Monica took a dress to the cleaners
She asked the cleaner, who was hard of hearing, "Could you get this spot out"?
"Come again"; said the near deaf man
"No, mustard"; said Monica
What do you get if you cross Loreena Bobbit and Monica Lewinsky?
A cigar cutter.
How did Bill describe sex with his wife?
"Close, but no cigar."
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer??
(Chelsea Clinton)
Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton?
It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter.
The difference between Fidel Castro and Bill Clinton?
Fidel Castro only smokes his cigars.
Did you here that Monica is now a Republican?
She switched because the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Titanic Vs. Clinton
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary
Presidents on the Titanic
Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg.
Ford screamed, "what should we do?",
Reagan said, "man the lifeboats,"
Carter said, "women and children first,"
Nixon said, "screw the women and children,"
Clinton said, "do you think we have time?"
Similarities between Nixon and Clinton
Nixon: Came after LBJ
Clinton: Came after A BJ
Nixon: Frequently heard "Nixon's The One!"
Clinton: Frequently heard "He's The One!"
Nixon: "Tricky Dick"
Clinton: "Licky Dick"Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Brought down by Deep Throat.
Clinton: Brought down by Deep Throat.
Nixon: Deep Throat leaked to the press.
Clinton: Deep Throat leaked on her dress.
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: He was anti-Russia
Clinton: He had to rush her
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-PresidentAlternate:
Clinton: X-rated President
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
Q:What did Bill Clinton say Monica when she Smiled?
A:These are whitest teeth I have ever come across!
Q. What does Bill Clinton And Bobby Bowden of Florida State University
Football have in common?
A. They both got problems with their Weinke (Wienke is FSU's starting QB that
got hurt)
Q. Why is Monica so much like a stamp?
A. cause Bill likes to lick it than stick it.
Q. Why is the White house painted white?
A. Because (dress stains) ain't purple.
Q. What do Sonny Bono, Michael Kennedy and Bill Clinton all have in common?
A. They all went down on a ski.
Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and A Soda machine have in Common
A. They both have a slot that says "Insert Bill Here"
Q. How did we know that Monica would testify?
A. Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.
THE PRESIDENT HAS DESIDED TO CHANGE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. THE NEW NAME IS "YANK MY DOODEL IT IS A DANNDY".
Did you hear Clinton and OJ are campaigning ads for soft drinks? OJ is supporting SLICE and Clinton is supporting SQUIRT.
Clinton and Monica were talking one day and Monica goes Bill I know I am no Wilma Flinstone but I can still make your bedrock!
What do Lucille Ball and Monica Lewinsky have in common? Something about them both liking Cubans.
Clinton Stew: One small weenie in a lot of hot water.
Monica goes into a bar on Sunday morning. Irate, she says to the bartender, "What kind of cheap beer do you sell here? Last night I drank 20 beers, went home and blew chunks." Bartender: "What do you expect, anyone who drinks 20 beers is bound to get sick." Monica: "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
It waz a snowy day at the white house. And Hillary saw that someone had peed in the snow and wrote, Hillary is a old bag. So she said to the secrete service men to get it tested and tell her whose pee it is.A day later the man came back and said to the first lady that there waz.... bad news and good news. She said good news first. The man said we have the results of the DNA check. Oh good then what is the bad news? It is bill's pee and monicas hand writing....
Bob Dole walks from the store, he caught up with Bill Clinton.
Bob: Hello Bill.
Bill: Why, hello Bob.
Bob: Bill, I wanna know, what's you secret with women. How do you make 'em hot?
Bill: Well that's easy, you just sneak up on them and softly blow them on the ear.
Bob: OK, thanks Bill.
Bob sees Martha and sneaks up on them and blows her on the ear.
Martha: Not now Bill, my husband is coming soon.
A radio station has a poll to see how many women would ever consider having an affair with Clinton, 99 % of those who called in said never again.
Bill and Hillary were walking down the street when they came across a dog licking himself. Bill commented to Hillary, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." Hillary replied, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"
George Stephanopolous decided to take a day off at the shore and drove to the Hamptons in his new BMW. He figured he would enjoy a day behind the wheel and hook up with President Clinton at yet another New York fundraiser that evening at the Speilberg house. He saw a well-dressed young man hitchhiking near the beach road and pulled over to pick him up. No sooner had he started driving again when the man pulled out a pistol and said that he was going to take his car. He directed George to drive to a remote section of the beach and stop the car. He then ordered George out and, in order to buy time for his escape, told to George to disrobe. He then instructed George to bend over, whereupon the man proceeded to tie George's hands to his ankles. The man was struck by George's inviting behind, and proceeded to avail himself of George's hindquarters. When he finished, he got in the car and drove off. Here was poor George, in a remote part of Long Island, hands tied to his ankles, sufficiently assaulted and, alas, BMW-less. George struggled to untie himself and, when unable to do so, began to walk tward the main road to get assistance, his hands still tied to his ankles. He made his way to the main road and, as it turns out, he recognized that he was very near to where he was to meet the President later that day. He made his way to the estate naked and embarrassed, then hid in the bushes until nightfall, when he would seek the president's assistance.As expected, the President arrived for the event and, on his way in, George called to him from the bushes. The president walked over to George and listened quietly as George, still naked, tied up and bent over, related the story of the carjacking, humiliation, and sexual assault.When George had finished his story, in utter disbelief, he said to the President, "Bill what do you think of that?" The President, walking behind George while unzipping his fly, replied, "Sorry, George... I guess this just ain't your day."
Bill and Hillary went to the first baseball game of the year in Baltimore's new Camden Yards stadium. The umpire went to the Presidential box seat next to the home dugout, whispered something to Bill, then walked back to home plate. Bill shrugged his shoulders, and then threw Hillary onto the playing field. The umpire shook his head, walked back to where Bill was sitting and said, "No, sir, I asked you to throw out the first PITCH."
WHAT CLINTON SAYS� VS. WHAT HE REALLY MEANS
"My fellow citizens"...................."Suckers"
"I didn't inhale"......................."I think you're all idiots"
"goals"................................."lies"
"broad-based contributions"............."taxes"
"jobs program".........................."military base lay-offs"
"Vietnam"..............................."where?"
"Attorney General"..................."the first semi-qualified woman I
could find without a criminal record"
"God bless America"....................."God help us, 'cause I don't have a
clue"
"Fairness".............................."screw all of you"
"I feel your pain"......................"and I like it"
"diversity"............................."millionaires"
"opportunity"..........................."federal handout"
"compassion"............................see "opportunity"
What's the difference between Monica's blue dress and Bill Clinton? The blue dress will eventually come clean.
First (discarded) draft of the President's August 18, 1998 speech to the nation:"Members of Congress, People of America... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl would envy.
"Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary, I do. If not for the ice water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
"Twice now in six years, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Dole, who thought the Dodgers were still in Brooklyn but could still do a mean swan dive off of a campaign platform; Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport," who thought he could bomb his way into the White House while lying himself about "no new taxes." Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him, who brought you 24% mortgage rates, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot his curious tic for beaver wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
"Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell "internet" has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing, which is tougher than merely one hand tied behind my back, so to speak.
"What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine."
Did you ever think that Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole would actually have something in common? They were both upset when Bill Clinton finished first.
What was Monica's last gift to Bill? An autographed picture of the top of her head.
Bill Clinton meets Ken Starr sitting on a park bench in Washington. Clinton sits down and, after a while, asks Starr, "Have you been getting any on the side lately?" A surprised Starr responds, "You know, Bill... it's been so long since I've had any, I didn't know they moved it."
Monica allegedly told Kenneth Starr that she merely wanted someone she could look up to.
Al Gore and Bill Clinton are fishing in a boat. Al announces, "When I get back to Washington, I'm going to eat a huge cheeseburger. How about you, Mr President?" Clinton responds, "Well, Al, when I get home, I'm going to rip off Hillary's panties." Mr. Gore chokes. "Uh, Mr. President, are you sure that is wise?" "Sure is," retorts the President, "because they're cutting off the circulation to my legs."
The Secret Service code word for the stain on the blue dress is "Presidue."