Abbey and I went home last night. In the craziness of the last few months we’ve hardly been there, at least not together. For once we put the election behind us and had dinner, an uninterrupted dinner at that. I owed her that much at the very least. Election day meant that I had broken our deal, made her sacrifice her dreams for another four years so I could achieve my own.

As we sat in bed later, her glasses perched on the end of her nose as she read a biography and I pretended to read polling data, I realized that life was changing.

There have been moments today when I’ve wondered if it’s for the better or worse.

The day started bright enough. The sun was shining as we took the short drive from the farm to the polling station and Abbey held my hand as we posed on the steps for the photographs that will adorn tomorrow’s front pages. We both voted in New Hampshire and it wasn’t about appearances. That is my home and I haven’t missed an election there yet, I wasn‘t going to start with the last election I‘ll ever stand in. The press were out in force, not unexpected, but the mood was different. The usual baiting and criticism were replaced with teasing and predictable questioning. That won’t last very long.

I hadn’t realized until the MS crisis how much I lie, or at least retain deniability. I guess I’m still a little bit naïve. If I’m not asked how can it be lying? Concealing? Yes. Today I concealed something from my wife, at least I thought I had. The MS is back. At least today the shakes were back and the blind panic. I’ve had more stressful days but today of all days it decided to re-emerge. No-one could know. I owed today to everyone I care about - Abbey, Leo . . . and CJ. Why those three in particular? Because they are the ones I need to be proud of me.

Instead of getting help, I hid my hands and took pills when no one was looking. For a while it worked, for a while I almost pretended it hadn’t happened. I managed to sign the papers on the plane and make calls, all so Charlie wouldn’t guess and rat me out.

When I left Abbey behind I returned to what can only be described as the West Wing gone mad. And I mean mad. Josh and Toby had a thing going on. It goes back to the bet the day of the debate and the two of them are taking it way over the top. I’m all for my staff letting off a little steam but they need to learn when to stop. Except today I don’t have the heart to put my foot down. Life is too short and the problems too great, besides tomorrow Leo will reign them in.

When I reached the White House Debbie was changing the phone system. I thought maybe she knew that my condition was on the move. How she’d know I don’t know but it was the first thought that entered my head, and I accused her of all sorts. All she was doing was her job and despite my early reservations she’s actually very good at it. She probably thinks I’m mad after today, but she is crazy so we’re quits.

The rest of today has been crazy, people in and out of my office constantly. Sam and Toby brought in drafts of speeches and I shook my head, anything to keep them occupied. The last think I needed was my communications director pacing the halls and ranting in boredom. Josh was more than a little wired, too much caffeine I think, and every time I thought I was alone he would appear. It’s really no wonder my stress levels went through the roof. Then again I have a soft spot for Josh, he’s like the son I never had, and nothing like the young man who came here soon after his father’s death thinking his world was over. He’s grown up in so many ways and despite his occasional screw ups, and I won‘t mention his love life, he‘s someone I have a great deal of time for.

With so much going on, you’d think nothing would stand out in my mind but there was a moment tonight. My perfect moment, I guess you‘d call it.

CJ and Leo entered my office together and I thought maybe something terrible had happened. Neither was saying anything and CJ was pouring a glass of whiskey. She never does that, well except that one night in the residence when I scared her half to death. My thoughts moved to Abbey, the girls, war - election results were the least of my concerns. Then CJ’s face lit up with that smile that I love so much, her eyes danced and I knew it wasn‘t bad news. Even before they told me, I knew, I had won New Hampshire. My home state had regained their faith in me. I can’t even begin to describe the emotions that evoked in me.

As the three of us walked to the Mural Room to the cheers of my staff, I couldn’t help but smile. It was all coming together. We were going to win and win well.

For the next two hours there was an air of anticipation, or for some cautious optimism but then I didn‘t expect anything less from Toby. Then it came. Ritchie went on national television and gave his concession speech. The sad postscript to it all was that even that my staff could have written better. Finally the announcement came that I had won. After the MS thing they had put me in charge of the country for another four years. I won’t let them down.

Handshaking, cheers, Abbey’s smile, her hand in mine as we stepped up on the stage are the images I remember. That and the number of people crammed into the room and my staff, their faces in a sea of haze. I caught sight of the spin boys on the balcony just for a second then the image blurred. That was my first sign that it was happening. The second was the autocue - I couldn’t read the words. The MS was determined to mar what should have been a happy day. There was a second of blind panic then the haze drifted and I began to read. The second time I used whatever was memorized, there wasn‘t a chance I would be able to focus without raising suspicions and that was the last thing I wanted to do tonight.

I kissed Abbey and we left the stage. I wanted to spend a few minutes with my wife, my beautiful, observant wife.

She knew, but then she knows me too well. I tried to deny it, pretend my hands weren’t shaking and my eyes blurred but she knew. Which made it easier. Now we both know it will get harder, that the MS is on the move and we’re powerless to stop it. Things will inevitably get worse and I will have to rely on her and my staff to achieve my goals.

It was only then that I noticed her, standing there, trying to subtly interrupt. How anyone can miss CJ is a miracle but I put it down to tiredness and excitement and all the other emotions that were coursing through my mind. She looked so happy and full of pride, the excitement radiating across her face. And the hardest thing was that it was all for me, her love for me, and I couldn’t even pull her into my arms and kiss her. Instead I took her hand and kissed her cheek. It was gentle but I felt it, the connection, that I thought had been lost the day I questioned her loyalty, was still there. After everything we were going to be alright.

CJ wanted us to take another curtain call and Abbey was happy for once to stay in the limelight. Tonight was her night as much as mine and she was determined that we both enjoy it.

The noise was increasing in volume and I thought for a moment that the MS was going to destroy the moment but it dissipated as I headed towards the stage.

For a few seconds I had both of them with me, a beautiful woman on either side of me, and I knew then that we wouldn’t let my illness get the better of us. I was the luckiest man alive to have them both in my life. Abbey was holding my hand and CJ was standing in the wings and I felt so loved that it made everything else, all the problems of the last four years, disappear.

I wonder how long for?

There is one hell of a party going on in the West Wing. The staff, my staff, and my friends are celebrating a victory that they more than deserved. There are people milling in the halls that I’ve never seen before, a fact that would on any other day worry me but I’m sure they have clearance. Some of them might even work here. There are going to be hangovers in the morning and I can’t see a lot getting done before midday but for once I don’t care.

Today my expectations have been reached, exceeded even and nothing is going to spoil my mood. This feeling I have is better than last time.

After the speech and I had accepted the constant congratulations, I decided to spend some quality time with my wife. It wasn’t actually quality time I wanted, more that I wanted to take her to bed. She looked beautiful tonight and her love and support turned me on. The fact that we were constantly interrupted didn’t quash the yearnings, if anything they made the moment, when it came, even better.

I was telling Abbey the states I’d won as she did whatever it is women do when the feel in the mood when Charlie knocked. That should have been my first sign of what was to come.

I tried to put Sam off but let’s just say I owed these guys.

We talked for a minute or two and from the disjointed conversation, which I admit I should be used to, I gather he’s agreed to run for congress. He doesn’t think it will be a problem and neither do I. He’s going to be President one day, this will be his first step and I will support him all the way. Four years ago he was idealistic and naïve, he’s still both, but he’s also a great politician. He left pretty quickly after Abbey appeared in her pajama top, sensible boy.

Leo arrived shortly after. It’s strange that I can be in a room and my staff virtually ignore me. I slip away for a few hours and they all need to talk to me.

My wife was on the couch wearing very little and looking sexy as hell when Charlie announced his arrival. He came up to tell me about a coup, not he wanted to stay long. At least not while Jordan was downstairs somewhere waiting for him. I thought we were home and dry.

Then Toby arrived. You’d think the guys would want to be down stairs celebrating but not these guys. I tried to hurry him along to some avail. The news that he and Andi are having twins barely sunk in but then I had other things on my mind. I actually thought I‘d gotten rid of him when Abbey called him back. She‘s a sucker for babies and weddings.

When we arrived here Toby’s marriage was hanging by a thread, now it looks as though they will be getting back together. Abbey is going to love getting involved in that wedding, mind you he didn’t mention marriage, or maybe I missed it. That’s a conversation for another day. It seems Andi is due in May but he didn’t tell me sooner because of my Catholicism. I’m not really sure why that would intimidate him but I’m sure we’ll discuss that at a later date too. I was just relieved when he left.

We made love. Finally Abbey got undressed and I got to do all the things I‘d been dreaming about all night. It was a perfect end to a perfect day.

Abbey is asleep beside me now, or at least dozing. Finally after hours of madness and celebration we were rewarded with a few moments of peace. But now as I watch Abbey’s gentle breathing my thoughts turn to someone else and selfish thoughts that even today of all days won’t go away. There was a brief moment earlier when I had them both by my side, felt contained by love, then it was over. If I could only have both of them the trials that I know are ahead would be so much easier to deal with.

I made my choice, for the right reasons, and in my rational moments I know it was the right one. Although I have to admit I regress more into fantasizes and whatifs these days than before and CJ will always be one of my biggest whatifs. I think a part of me will always love her and I know that if she needed me I’d be the first one in there to protect her with everything I have. That is one thing that will never change, however wrong it might seem.

We came to the White House in 1999, a little naïve I guess. But so much as happened since that none of us are the same people we were back then. Life may have changed since we took office, sometimes for the better, oftentimes for the worse, and our lives may have had their ups and downs but for all the changes one thing has stayed the same. We’re good people who want to make a difference.

I never really thought about the future until tonight, the fact that things are changing, we are all changing. As I roll over and close my eyes, I wonder what the next four years will bring and whether it will be better or worse than the last. I can only hope it’s worth it.

The End