Title:    A World Without You

Rating: R

Spoilers: Up to the end of season two, although nothing in any detail

A World Without You

Chapter One

Toby sits in the dark, the bottle of scotch on the coffee table by his side, CNN flickers in the background as the newscaster once more retells the day's events. He doesn't pay much attention, the TV on more out of habit than any particular need. 

The clock in the hallway strikes two, and a car can be heard pulling into the driveway. 

Toby holds his breath as the door creaks open and footsteps can be heard on the oak floorboards. 

She doesn't see him as she heads towards the stairs, leaving the lights out so not as to disturb him. 

As the first tread squeaks he makes his presence felt. "Hello CJ." He hears her breath catch at the sound. 

"Toby." As she reaches for the switch she realises she wants the lights off, she doesn't want him to see her face when they have this conversation. "I didn't expect you to still be awake."

"I didn't expect you to be out with him."

CJ sighs, "I told you I was out with the girls."

"And I thought you were a better liar than that. I know where you have been and I know who you have been with." He pours himself another drink and settles back to listen, weary of all that is going on between them, saddened that their marriage has come to this.

She lets out a breath, "So you're having me tailed. I thought marriage was about trust."

"And I thought marriage was for life, seems we were both wrong. Are you going to tell me when it started? Or should I just ask him?" Toby raises his voice, not in anger but in disappointment.

CJ walks to the window and looks out at the street, deathly quiet for once. 

Toby watches her move, her body lit by moonlight, her hands clenched at her sides as she bites on her bottom lip. He sips his drink and waits, fully expecting a lie followed by a half-truth.

Instead she answers with the truth. "It never really ended, I've always loved him."

Toby listens for the apology, for her to explain it away and make them alright, but it doesn't come.

"Toby, I want to be with him. I think what I'm trying to say is I'm leaving." She turns to look at him, so certain of what she has just said; yet only just being aware of it herself.

"Then you should go now."

CJ startled by his lack of emotion walks towards him, "Toby, I can't wake Alex in the middle of the night…"

"You aren't taking my daughter" he is firm, "she is staying with me."

"Toby, she's my daughter." CJ is almost pleading with him, "She needs her mother."

Toby stands and crosses the distance, "You should have thought about that before you cheated on me." In the darkness of the room he is intimidating and she steps back away from him. His voice is surprising calm as he speaks, "Get out, and let me know where to send your things."

CJ hovers, ready to argue him down, but he slumps into the chair in defeat, leaving her wondering just what she has done to him. 

In the seconds it takes her to cross the room he hides the unshed tears, when he hears the door close, he lets them fall, the glass discarded at his side.

Chapter Two

Toby wakes the next morning at the sound of tiny footsteps on the stairs. His back aches from his position on the couch, once upon a time a daily observance, but the intervening years have not been kind. Looking up he sees her, his beautiful little angel; big brown eyes gaze back at him, her red hair tied in a ponytail at her back. She is her mother. 

She jumps the last few steps and flies into his arms, Toby holds her to him, squeezing so hard she wriggles.

"Where's mom?" Alexandra Claudia Ziegler asks.

Toby holds her away and looks into her eyes, "Mom had to go away," he answers tenderly.

"Oh, so what's for breakfast?" Alex asked, her mother's absence explained to her satisfaction.

"I'm cooking," he replies, " pancakes al a Jed." 

She smiles at the memory of her godfather. 

"Then we have to get a move on, we're going away."

"Where?" She asks, eyes wide.

Toby runs through the possibilities in his head, Leo is in Boston, Josh and Donna are here in Washington and Sam is in San Francisco, none are really suitable for a six-year-old child. And all would be the logical places for CJ to look. Instead, "Aunt Abbey's."

"Really, you're kidding." She sounds so much like her mother that his voice falters for a second.

"Yeah, you go and get washed up and I'll make the arrangements."

She leaves his lap, a flurry of white cotton and furry slippers, running and skipping up the stairs.

Toby watches her go and with a deep intake of breath picks up the phone and dials the Bartlet farm. 

Abbey answers the phone on the second ring, from her place in bed. She knows she sounds weary but with the anticipation of Jed's decline the days have become longer. "Barlet residence."

"Abbey, it's Toby." She waits for a second, "Toby?" as if not really sure, "Our Toby?"

"Yes Ma'am," he grins.

"Well, well, what can we do for you?"

Toby knows there will be questions later but for now he just wants to be in the familiar, "How's the President?"

"He's fine Toby. Quit stalling." She knows him too well to be taken in by his games.

"Alex and I need a few days away, I remembered something about Manchester in the summer being quite pleasant, I thought she might like to see her godparents." He waited for her to ask.

"And CJ?"

He sighed, "No, just the two of us. Abbey, can we come?"

"Yes Toby," she made a note to question him later, and to find out where CJ was. "When are you coming?"

"If we leave in the next hour, allowing for traffic, about three."

He heard her whisper to someone, and cover the receiver, he knew there would be questions but he also knew his daughter would be cocooned in a loving environment while he figured what to do next.

"We'll be here, Jed's looking forward to seeing how his Kermit has grown."

The drive to Manchester was long, and the roads were busy with traffic. Toby didn't mind so much, Alex sat beside him in the front seat, listening to the radio and asking questions about the places they passed through. She was happy and looking forward to spending time with two of her extended family. 

They pulled up outside of the farm slightly after three, Toby moved to the other side of the car to help his daughter out and they both turned to see the former First Lady stood in the doorway. Alex ran across the stone porch and jumped into her arms. Abbey held her away and studied her; the infant they had all mollycoddled was growing up she mused. Toby made his way over and stood awkwardly beside them, he should have known better, as Abbey sidestepped his daughter and embraced him.

They made their way inside to the den, where the former president liked to relax, watch TV and play chess. 

He was reading the Washington Post as they entered and did not notice his guests. 

Alex waited patiently by the doorway, even she knows not to disturb this great man. 

After a few minutes he looked up and the corners of his mouth turned up at the sight of the redhead. "Alexandria," he called.

Her feet barely touched the floor as she ran across the room and into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Alex, be careful," Toby admonished.

"She's okay Toby, he wouldn't have it any other way. Come, leave them to it, I've made coffee in the kitchen." Abbey turned once more to look at her husband and the child he adores, and hoped she isn't the one to break the news to the child when the time comes.

In the kitchen Abbey poured coffee as she chatted about the family, her daughters and the extended family they adopted years before. 

Toby listened, waiting for Abbey to ask about CJ.

"So Toby, where's CJ?"

Toby took a deep breath, "In Washington."

Abbey took the chair opposite him, "And you're here. Which leads me to believe something's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. My wife has been having affair, probably since our marriage, and she wants our daughter."

Abbey stared at him for a second, taking in the bitterness in his voice, and the unshed tears in his eyes. Please don't let it be one of our boys she prayed before asking, "Who with?"

"Danny Concannan. Ironic isn't it. I was there the night she found out he turned down the editor's job. That's how we got together, I comforted her and we grew closer, I thought he was out of her system. Now it seems she never loved me."

"Toby, I don't believe that." Abbey's voice was soft. "She chose to marry you even when she was free to be with Danny. You have a child together."

"She wants Alex. She wants to take my daughter away from me. I don't want Danny raising my child."

Abbey sighed, "So CJ's left you?"

"I threw her out," Toby answered barely audible, aware that it sounded so final.

"Okay, and now you're here with Alex. You need to let CJ know where you are, she'll be out of her mind with worry. And work, you need to let them know you are taking family time." She knew she sounded cold and practical but that had always got through to him before.

"I don't want to speak to her. I just want to take care of my daughter."

Abbey replied, "Then I'll phone her, ease her mind but I won't let her come up here, okay." He nodded, "I know you don't want to talk to me Toby but you need to talk with someone."

Abbey left him at the kitchen table as she went off to make phone calls. 

He looked up moments later and stood rapidly, "Mr. President."

"Toby, I'm not in office anymore."

"And if you'd let me change the constitution I could have rectified that." He smiled. 

"And the Bill of Rights too, no doubt. Alexandria's hungry, so I'm going to make her a New Hampshire ham sandwich with maple syrup."

"Thanks to you and Ainsley that child has an iron constitution. Can I help?"

"No, we'll be fine. Why don't you go and unpack and I can beat your arse at chess after dinner?"

"Yes, sir," Toby answered, leaving the two making a mess in the kitchen.

After dinner Abbey put Alex to bed, telling her stories and holding her tight. Toby and the President played chess like old times, sharing inane trivia and avoiding the reason for Toby's visit.

Chapter Three

Toby woke up early the next morning, showering and dressing before he headed downstairs for breakfast. He met Abbey in the hallway, carrying a plate of food towards the dining room. 

She smiled at, him, pleased that he looked rested. "I wouldn't go in the kitchen if I was you, Jed and Alex are making pancakes, and redecorating at the same time."

Toby chuckled, the President' cooking skills were somewhat a joke in the West Wing, and followed Abbey into the dining room. He stopped at the sight of the two people sat at the table. 

The blonde woman looked up from her plate of food to grab the maple syrup and smiled, she whispered to her companion and he rose up, hand outstretched.

"Toby, how are you?" Leo asked crossing the room towards him.

Toby shook the outstretched hand and glanced at Abbey, hovering at the table.

"Abbey didn't mention she was expecting other visitors."

Leo grinned, "Toby, Abbey is the most devious person I know, she has this policy that she knows best.
So we get a phone call inviting us down for a few days. We had nothing on, and she mentioned something about family, so here we are."

Toby sidestepped Leo and walked over to his wife, kissing her on the cheek, "Ainsley, you look well, hungry?"

She stood up and for the first time he noticed the bump, "Leo, I take it congratulations are in order."

"If you would be so kind, as I am carrying it for nine months, to congratulate me, it would be much appreciated by me." She muttered.

"Yeah right," Toby answered.

At that moment the President appeared with a plate of pancakes and a sticky child. 

Alex crossed to her father and he picked her up swinging her round to her obvious delight, before sitting her at the table. 

As they ate they exchanged pleasantries, enjoying the visit after many months apart, and discussing the rest of the former staff.

Chapter Four

"Toby, come take a walk with me," Leo asked indicating the door.

This isn't going to be good, Toby thought, come take a walk was Leo's code phrase for I'm about to tell you something you won't like, and usually involved CJ screaming, Sam sulking and Josh slapping door frames. Toby usually pouted, he hated to admit it but that was his general reaction. 

They were in the rose garden, Abbey's pride and joy since returning to New Hampshire. Every year on CJ's Birthday he would phone Abbey and a bouquet of roses would arrive, personally picked and with names that meant something to his wife.

"So you screwed up."

Toby sighed, "She had the affair Leo, not me."

Leo carried on walking, "And you're just going to let her walk out of your life. The Toby I know >wouldn't give up on a fight."

Toby glared at him, "Really Leo, this is none of your business. CJ wants to be with him," he gestured wildly with his hands, "Explain to me, if you will, what I can offer her."

"Get your head outta your arse for starters. I was there for three years while you pussyfooted around her, I witnessed every little detail of you worshipping her; I was there for the dating and I was forced to witness that kiss. I saw your face when she accepted your proposal. I also saw her change, the confidence she gained, the way she shone whenever she caught you looking at her. She chose to get pregnant. You don't have a child with someone you don't love Toby." Leo grinned, "And I know the sex was good, why do you think I refused to have the room next to you on trips."

Toby blushed at the memories. In the early stages of their relationship they had made love most nights, loudly and passionately, and the following morning tired and spent they had sat in staff meetings, or on Air Force One, as everyone grinned.

"Did you talk about the problems? Or did you ignore the fact you were falling apart?"

"I thought everything was fine, happy marriage, good jobs, beautiful child. Until three months ago when she started going out more, working extra hours, all the usual indicators. I guessed there was someone, Ginger saw them together. CJ thinks I had her tailed, I just put two and two together."

Leo stopped to face him, "Nothing you have said makes me think you don't love her, you have Alex to think of, you have a life together. Don't throw it all away, we've both done that before. I know now that I would fight for Ains, I would sacrifice everything."

"I'm not sure what I want, except I can't be her second choice."

"For god's sake talk to her, if not for your sake than for Alexandria, she needs you both," Leo replied, almost inaudibly. Leo started walking, heading back towards the house and Toby followed, musing through Leo's comments.

Chapter Five

CJ knocked on the door and waited. 

Danny answered the door in denim cut-offs and a Notre dame sweatshirt looking surprised to see her.

Can I come in?" she asked and he moved to let her pass. Once safely inside the apartment she reached her arms around his neck and leaned in for a kiss. 

Danny kissed her back, hands sliding over her rear.

"Danny I need to talk."

He pulled away and steered her to the couch. His hand continued to rub her back as he planted kisses at her ear, "we can talk later, why don't we take this in the bedroom," he whispered, warm breath on her ear.

She shifted her position and locked eyes, "This is serious Danny, it's not a game."

Danny smiled, "Okay, okay, but if this is another list of reasons why you can't come to New York…"

"I've left him Danny," She interrupted. "He was awake when I got home last night and I told him everything. He'd already worked out there was someone. I had to leave Alex behind but I will go back for her when I am settled."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"We can be together now, no more sneaking around. And I want you to get to know Alex."

Danny stood up and moved across the room, "We are together, what we have is great."

"I'm talking about together permanently, we can get a place to live, Alex can stay with us."

"CJ, I travel all over the world. Travelling and reporting is what I live for. I don't want a child. You and I have fun, and that can go on but I'm not raising your child."

"Danny, we come as a family. All or nothing."

"Then CJ it's nothing. I've enjoyed the last few months but it's only been casual."

CJ stood, staring at him, understanding him for perhaps the first time. It that second it all became clear to her, how selfish he was, how the world revolved around his axis. It became clear why he didn't take the editor's job, because he wanted it all, the job at the White House and the status that came with dating the Press Secretary. She had been foolish in falling for him, for even thinking they had a future. The last few months had been a game, and she had been a willing pawn. 

A wave of nausea came over her as she realised what she had sacrificed and she turned to the door, running out of the apartment, into the sunlight. She stopped on the pavement, his voice calling her name in her ears, her heart slamming against her chest, and bent forward until the retching stopped. 

She headed to the only place she felt safe. The house was empty but full of memories. CJ made her way into the bathroom, undressing as she went and stepped under the shower, tears rolling down her cheeks. Later she would cry herself to sleep. 

Tomorrow she would head for New Hampshire and try to save her marriage.

Chapter Six

CJ sat on the plane revisiting her life and her mistakes. If anyone had asked her where she would be today she would have told them at home with her husband and child. Danny had been a reminder of all those years before, she had enjoyed the flirting and the attention he had given her then, and now to be honest, but she still couldn't believe the conversation the night before. She would never willing give up her child. 

The night she left Toby she had sat in a hotel room wondering what to do next, not really sure who she could turn to. To go to the family would have been asking them to take sides and she couldn't do that. And Danny, she hadn't wanted to talk to him until her mind was calmer. Going to the house and finding Toby and Alex gone had been terrifying, she wasn't sure what Toby would do but taking their daughter had never crossed her mind. Not knowing what to do she had gone to church and prayed. 

The call from Abbey had settled her mind and forced her to get her life in perspective. Now she was on her way to New Hampshire to talk to Toby, to see her daughter, and save her marriage. Okay there was little chance of the last one but she had to try.

The taxi to the farm had seemed like one of the longest of her life as she ran through what she would say. Abbey had answered the door, and stood silent for a second before hugging her to her. They had entered the living room together, and her eyes had been drawn to Toby but she had quickly turned away at the sight of him. 

At the sound of the door opening Alex had turned and eagerly greeted her.

Toby watched her with their daughter and the room suddenly became too warm, he was suffocating and needed to get out. He barely acknowledged the others around him as he stood, watching the two most important things in his life embrace. Abbey was speaking to him as he took the steps towards the door. He didn't slow down just threw a parting platitude over his shoulder, mumbling he was going for a walk. He didn't see Leo stand to follow and his wife pull him down and he missed the troubled glances between the Bartlets. His head only held thoughts of CJ as he strolled rapidly through the house, into the garden and to the fields beyond. He needed to be as far away from everyone as possible, he needed to clear his mind.

Chapter Seven

When Toby came back inside the others had gone, taking Alex with them. He contemplated going into Jed's den and raiding his bar but thought better of it, he didn't really want his daughter to see him in that state. Instead he walked through the dark mudroom and into the kitchen. He always thought better with coffee inside him, a few Advil wouldn't go a miss either but as it wasn't his house he didn't really know where to start looking. 

Toby lifted up the kettle, shaking it to make sure there was water and put it on the Aga. He sat down at the table and rubbed his hands across his face, he had the beginnings of a headache, and he couldn't seem to think straight. 

When CJ had walked into the living room she had looked tired and weary, her eyes red rimmed and her hair unnaturally messy. She had ignored him completely, focusing only on the small child, who on hearing her mother's voice had darted across the six foot gap and hugged her tight. In that second he had realised they could never be apart, CJ was her mother and Alex needed to be with her. The idea of Danny raising his little Muppet made him sick, he hated the man, for everything he had ever done to hurt CJ, for ruining his marriage. He also loved his daughter, more than words could ever express. The day she had been born he had cried openly, checking she had all her little toes and fingers, and ringing everyone they knew to announce her arrival. He had become a protective father, keeping her from harm, and much of that was down to his time in the White House, and the things they had experienced. He had left work early for every occasion that mattered to her and he always checked in on her at night, however late it was or how drained he felt. He really couldn't imagine not seeing her every day.

Toby finished making his coffee and stood gazing out of the window. He also couldn't imagine a world without CJ; the point where friendship had developed into love he wasn't sure of. He knew he was becoming too needy of her the night of the midterms all those years ago and by the time of the national address he was concerned only about how she would be affected. Her gentle hand on his arm had been soothing after the pain that came before. The night he proposed had been the third best day of his life, the second their wedding day, the first Alex. He liked to watch her sleep, to cook, and work. He never missed her show on a Sunday; as good as she had been as a Press Secretary, as a presenter on the political analyst show she was fantastic and totally in control. 

Now he didn't know what was going to happen, if he could ever bear to watch the show, knowing when it was all over she would go home to Danny. He sighed, deep and wistful, she had brought him out of his despair after Andi and now he was heading back there.

Her footsteps sounded too loud on the kitchen tiles, too composed, and she certainly didn't feel composed. They were alone, Toby and CJ, that sounded so unreal here in the farm in Manchester. Everybody treated them as a package, had done since they married. She had watched him from the doorway standing so stiffly, he looked so out of place in his jeans and shirt, in the rosewood kitchen. Trepidation was the only word that came to mind to a woman so used to words. It summed up everything about the last few days and the minutes to come. 

Toby heard the footsteps but did not turn, his voice was inaudible and he had to swallow, "I thought you had gone with the others."

"I stayed to talk to you."

"I could care less what you have to say, you really don't need to spell it out for me, I got it the first time." He sounded calm and defeated, "If you want Alex I won't stop you, I just want to be part of her life." Toby turned from the window to stare at her.

"You have every right to be angry."
"Damn straight," He snapped back, "Seven years of marriage, six years of raising a daughter together and I find out it's all a lie. Have you and he been laughing at my expense?" His eyes were dark and she could see all the hatred he felt. 

"No. No. No. Danny and I is a recent thing, we met at a dinner, we got talking and one thing led to another."

"I really don't want the details," he almost whispered turning back to the window.

CJ crossed the room to stand behind him, "Tough, you are going to hear this. I married you because you made me feel like the only person who ever mattered to you, because we were good together, because hell, it was just meant to be. I chose to get pregnant, I wanted you to be a father because I knew how good you would be. Danny wasn't even part of the equation. It was a no brainer, spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been with Danny or explore feelings I had for you, I chose to be with you. And I don't regret my decision."

"So if I am such a good father why did refuse to have another baby?" he snapped, full of resentment over a decision which had been made many years before.

"That was five years ago Toby. I thought we had gotten over that. I couldn't handle another pregnancy, another labour. Alex was all I ever needed, she was a part of us, she brought us closer. It didn't mean I didn't love you, or I wanted Danny then. I made a decision for us and I'm sorry you still feel angry about it."

Toby was angry, his voice was harsh but quiet, calm before a storm, "I don't want to hear it. And I don't want to hear his name, not ever. I thought it was bad the first time, but that is nothing compared to what this is doing to me. Everyone thought I was the one who screwed up me and Andi, the fact was she was having an affair."

CJ gasped, "I didn't know."

"There was no reason you should. He was a congressman, it finished before I found out but it wasn't the same anymore. When she asked for a divorce I wouldn't stand in her way. After that I never wanted to get involved again. Until you…" His voice trailed off.

"And I go and do this. God Toby I am sorry." She reached out to touch his arm, he flinched but she squeezed it anyway, holding on tight. "It wasn't because of the physical."

"I didn't think it was. We've always been good in that department. It's like you said you never stopped loving him. Unfinished business."

"It's finished business now" she whispered. 

Toby turned to face her. 

CJ tried not to blink under his intense scrutiny, his eyes bore into her, stripping her bare.

"He's hurt you again. The bastard dumped you." Toby chuckled, cold and cruel.

"He was happy to have me along for the ride but not Alex. She doesn't fit into his lifestyle." CJ's words were bitter. "Go on say it, all those sarcastic, noxious retorts you are thinking up. Don't hold back, I made a mistake, tell me so. You've never been one to hold back."

Toby pulled away from her and slumped into a chair, "I haven't got the energy for this. CJ, leave me alone." Toby closed his eyes, rubbing his hand across his naked scalp, trying to absorb everything. "I can't be your second choice anymore. Do what ever it is you've got to do, just go away."

CJ stood watching him, for a second wanting to put her arms around him, instead she opened the door and made her way out through the mudroom towards the garden. 

Toby looked up a moment later to find her gone.

Chapter Eight

He didn't know how long he had sat there, eyes closed, remembering happier times, waiting for CJ to come back but it was dark when he finally heard a car and voices. Toby took a deep breath and went out into the hallway to meet the others. 

They entered together as a group laughing and joking. 

Toby put on a smile and waited for his daughter to notice him. When she did the greeting was loud and sobering.

 Abbey spoke first, "Where's CJ?"

Toby looked over his daughter's head, "She went out walking a while ago."

"How long ago?" Leo asked.

"Two hours, maybe more." As he said the words he recognised the concern in Leo's eyes. "We had words, she left."

"Which way Toby? Towards the lake?" Jed asked, the same look in his eyes.

"You and Leo better go look for her, Alex can help me with dinner," Abbey directed, unspoken orders in her eyes.

Toby nodded and followed Leo into the mudroom to get torches.

They walked for an hour, barely speaking a word, both concerned, and neither really sure what they were going to find. They split up when they reached the lake, calling out for her. 

Leo found her first, sat on the grass, knees pulled to her chest, rocking back and forth. He leaned down to touch her and she flinched. "CJ, it's Leo. Talk to me."

CJ sobbed, "Leo, what have I done?"

Leo sat down beside her, and placed a protective arm around her back, "You made a mistake, we're all entitled to make one."

"He's never going to forgive me."

"You underestimate him, believe me we've all done that. He loves you very much. You're talking, which is more than Jenny and I ever did."

"You didn't have an affair. I always thought he would hurt me, hoped it would go that way. I'm stronger than you all give me credit for, I bounce back, he punishes himself. Leo, I love him, so why did I...?"

"Who knows kiddo?"

"Because it was Danny," came a gruff voice from behind a tree, "If we'd let you date him all those years ago this would never have happened."

Leo stood, "I'm going back to the house, if you aren't back in an hour I'll be back," he squeezed CJ's arm as he stood and glanced at Toby. 

Toby's face was lit only by the moonlight; casting white shadows across one side of his face, making him look more miserable than usual. "Why did you do it, CJ? Why with him? Was I a bad husband? Did I not give you everything you wanted?" His voice was quiet, composed but she could make out his hands fidgeting.

"I don't know why. We were at this dinner, he came up and started a conversation, one minute we were talking about Gail the next we were sat in a bar talking over old times. I'd like to say I was drunk but the minute he kissed me I was stone cold sober. In the middle of a bar in DC I was making out like a teenager. He called me two days later and we had lunch, when I woke up three hours later we were in his bed and the damage was done, I needed to see him again. It wasn't about you, I wasn't thinking of you when I was with him and I didn't think about him while I was making love to you. I swear Toby."

"You will never know what the thought of you two together does to me. Words are all I have and I can't tell you what I feel. My marriage is over and I can't express how that affects me." He sighed and fell to the ground next to her.

"Our marriage doesn't have to be over."

 He glanced over at her at the voice full of hope. "It does, it is, I can't go back. I remember a time sat in your office, trying desperately to apologise to you for keeping you out of the loop. You asked me if I trusted you. Trust has always been important to you, I've seen how guarded you are when you think people don't trust you, can't be honest. Right now I can't trust you, I'm not even sure if I ever can."

CJ pulled herself up to her full height, digging her nails into her palms as she tried to hold off on the tears, "is there honestly anything I can do to win back your trust?"

"CJ, I don't know, and even if you did, why stay with me when you love him?" His voice was strange, hoarse but defeated. Toby struggled hard with his own tears. He loved her and knew he would until his dying days, she had given him the happiest years of his life, a daughter, hope in a world where before there had only even been doubt but right now he was angry. He had to admit it was more at himself than at her, for having this conversation, for wanting her back and for not punching Danny's lights out while he was in DC.

"I love you, if words aren't enough take a look at Alex, she's part of both of us."

Toby shed a single tear, "Dear God what is this going to do to her."

"Whatever happens Toby she will be alright, she's our daughter and a fighter at that. We should get back before they send out a search party." CJ started walking back towards the house, Toby a few paces behind; both were lost in their own thoughts, too close to tears to want to talk any further. 

When they reached the house the kitchen was dark. They made their way quietly through the house, and found the lights on in the living room.

Abbey jumped to her feet as they entered and moved to hug CJ, "Sweetheart I was worried, you must be starving, come let's get some food." She looked over her shoulder at the retreating back of Toby, wearily dragging himself up the stairs. 

CJ turned with Abbey and whispered, "He's gone to check on Alex, send him up a sandwich." 

Abbey squeezed her back and guided her back to the kitchen.

Toby sat and watched his daughter sleep, curled up in a little ball, clutching at the stuffed toys given to her by the family. She was as precious to him as life itself and he dreaded what the news would do to her, to all of them. He heard the light tapping at the door and turned as someone entered the room. 

President Bartlet stood in the doorway, staring back at him, "Come back downstairs Toby, have some food; I've got some good cigars. I promise no harm will come to her in my house." 

Toby turned back to his daughter, bending slightly to kiss her. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and smiled, rising he followed the President out on to the landing. "I'm not hungry, I think I'll just go to bed."

"Toby, I may not be your President anymore but I am still your friend, I want to help. Please come and join Leo and I in the den. It may the last chance for some peace." He smiled at the look of oblivion on Toby's face."We have had three marriages, three children, one elected senator, one milestone civil rights case and too many celebrations to recall in this little family of ours. What strikes you most about them?"

Toby thought for a moment and cringed, "You're joking right?"

The President smiled back, "Abbey has the best of intentions, she thought it would easy on Alex while you sort things through, and it isn't often we get the chance."

"Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb."

"And Donna and the boys."

"Oh God, kill me now!"

The president grinned, "I recognise you and CJ need to work this out and we will give you space. In the meanwhile you will have all the support you need, and Alex will have company."

"Do they know?" Toby was angry at the invasion of his privacy and had it been anyone else standing before him he would have reared up but he had made that mistake before.

The President took his arm steering him towards the stairs, "Yes they know, and CJ is just as mad as you are, but she is as equally intimidated by Abbey as you are."

Toby sighed and entered the den nodding at Leo as he entered. The man settled down to an evening of cards, three elder statesmen enjoying each other's company, forgetting the world and it's problems for a fraction of a second.

Chapter Nine

It was after three when he fell into bed but he awoke at six, hurriedly getting dressed and making his way downstairs. The house was quiet and he headed to the kitchen to make coffee. Opening the door he was surprised by what he found. 

Ainsley was leaning into the fridge, handing back items now and then to CJ, who was organising them on the counter. 

CJ turned at the creak of the door and smiled automatically at him. "Coffee's on the table."

"Thanks, are you making breakfast?" Toby asked pouring himself a mug.

CJ grinned, "Are you kidding, I burn water remember. Ainsley fancied a snack."

A head appeared from the fridge, "Oh hi Toby, any suggestions what I can do with eggs, peppers and some sort of meat. I'm starving?"

Toby continued to watch as she placed more items on the counter, "Morning sickness not a problem?"

"Oh yes, I suffered badly during the first trimester, I brought up everything I ate." Toby groaned at the image. "But now as I am, you know, eating for two, and I, you understand, of course you do you have a child, need to keep my strength up, I eat more."

Toby glanced at CJ and back at Ainsley, "Okay, how about I make you an omelette?"

Ainsley smiled back, "Would you, for me?"

Toby nodded and began opening cupboards in search of pans. CJ out of habit began to assist him. "Does this mean you want one too?"

She nodded and he started cooking. 

Ainsley was talking from her position at the table; it started with pregnancy and quickly turned to Republican leadership. 

CJ joined her at the table and added her own comments, while they waited for the food. 

Carrying three plates of food over Toby sat down and the room fell into silence as they ate.

Abbey appeared a few minutes later to start on breakfast and found them already settled. She greeted them all with a kiss and helped herself to a coffee.

"Ma'am, what time does Donna get in, as Leo is picking them up, and I would like to go shopping and therefore need a vehicle?" Ainsley asked, helping herself to a Danish.

"The plane lands at one." She replied taking a quick glance at Toby and CJ. 

Toby rolled his eyes in response while CJ openly glared at her.

 "But you and I can go shopping this morning, as you are staying a few more days I need to stock up on groceries."

Toby chuckled at the emphasis on Ainsley's need for food, "Why don't you take Alex and CJ with you? I've got some calls I need to make."

CJ turned to him to pass comment and found him caught in a contemplative gaze from Abbey.

After everyone had eaten breakfast the women headed out leaving Jed and Leo studying the days papers and Toby in the office.

It took most of the morning for Toby to finish his business and he later joined the President for chess while Leo drove to the airport. 

The women returned from shopping shortly before the other guests arrived, and the greetings were enthusiastic and celebratory.

After everyone had settled in Abbey took the children off into the den and sat them to watch cartoons. 

In the living room Donna was chatting to Ainsley and laughing.

"Donna, are you going to tell them about dinner last night?" Josh asked, fixing her with a grin.

Donna glared at him.

"Donna, have you got something to share?" Leo asked, aware of an undercurrent. 

Donna groaned.

"She's Da woman. So here we are sat in Coppi's, with Congressman Andrews and his wife, enjoying a very pleasant meal, when who should walk in but a certain red-haired reporter," Josh said.

Toby and CJ both looked up, their faces blank of expression.

"He was on his own, you know minding his own business, which as you know has never stopped my wife before. So Donna goes to say hello, except she doesn't. I turn to find Danny covered in red wine and Donna standing over him in full rant mode. Needless to say we didn't stay long."

Toby chortled into his hand as CJ hung her head.

"Donna, is this true?" Abbey asked.

Donna nodded, "You don't screw with the sisterhood and you don't screw with this family."

Abbey found herself smiling.

"Shame you didn't flatten him," Toby added without a hint of emotion in his voice.

"And that would have solved what exactly?" CJ asked.

"Nothing but it would have wiped that stupid grin off his face."

"There are a few times I would have liked to have done the same to you," CJ muttered, pushing her glasses back up her nose.

"And what do you mean by that?" Toby voice was perfectly controlled but anger flashed in his eyes. A

bbey looked at her husband, Donna and Ainsley glanced at each other while the other men in the room looked at their feet, praying the storm wouldn't erupt.

"Nothing Toby." Her voice remained calm, she had spent too many years with his moods not to know how to soothe him.

"No, you meant something," Toby shouted, "Let's hear it."

CJ sighed, "This really isn't the place."

"Hell, they're all here to help so you might as well tell them what the problem is."

CJ stood to her full height and glared down at him, "Okay you're a sanctimonious, tight arsed, son of a
bitch. You think you're so superior to the rest of us, you always want to be right, and as for apologising for your weaknesses, god forbid, you know, because you don't have any. And that smug look really pisses me off." CJ stopped for breath as Sam headed to shut the den door, expecting a shouting match to follow.

Toby surprised them all, "You know what, you're really hot when you're so self righteous." He turned and walked out into the hallway. 

CJ slumped into a chair and felt Josh's arms around her, holding her tight while she struggled to hold back the tears.

Sam followed Toby, finding him in the office. "Toby."

"Go away," he growled.

Sam pulled a chair over and sat down, "nope, that may have worked in the past but not now. What the
hell happened in there?"

"Sam, it's none of your business."

"Yeah, it is. It's like watching my parents fall apart. You and CJ are like family. She made a mistake, Toby, she's cleaned up after dozens of ours, she's forgiven us for all of them. Now she's asking your forgiveness. And you're going to have to give it to her."

"Yeah and what makes you think that?" Toby growled in response.

"Because that's the person you are. The President did much worse and you found a way to forgive him, to build your friendship." He paused to watch Toby tap his fingers on his crown, he knew he was thinking. "And if you don't it will be worse. Abbey will set up cosy dinner parties for two, The President will lecture you on divorce in modern times, Donna will probably ring around the assistants and Danny will end up drowning in red wine and Josh, he'll probably end up finding religion. And worst of all you'll lose the best thing that ever happened to you."

"When did you become so wise?"

"I learnt from someone I respect and admire." Sam got up and left leaving Toby sat staring at his feet.

When he didn't arrive for dinner, the others grew worried, he had managed to maintain an air of normality for the last few days for Alex and now he was giving up.

Josh was about to go and drag him to the table when CJ got up and waved him down. The office door was ajar, and she pushed it open. 

Toby sat in the office chair, his eyes closed and silently sobbing. 

CJ continued to watch him, the full extent of what she had done to him apparent. The last time he had cried was the day Alex was born, and that had been in the nursery when he thought he was alone. CJ approached him as quietly as she could, sliding her arms around his neck and holding his head against her chest. 

Toby looked up at her, his eyes misted over, and tried to pull away but she held firm.

"Let go Toby, forget it's me and just let go."

Toby continued to cry until his eyes were dry, she released him then and squatted down beside him.

"I love you Toby, and I know what I have put you through. So I'm leaving tomorrow, I'll find somewhere to live and we can share custody of Alex. I'm not going to make it any harder on you." She moved to stand and his hand reached out to grab her.

"I don't want you to go. But there's not some easy fix, I can't pretend nothing's happen but I'm willing to try."

 Beside him CJ sighed. 

"I need to know you are coming back because you want us to work, not because it's over with him. I want a fresh start." Toby paused and looked deep into her eyes, "That means leaving Washington, our jobs, our home and starting somewhere new."

CJ held his gaze, "You don't trust me"

"No. But this isn't about you; it's about me. I don't want people looking at me, asking questions, casting aspersions about our marriage. And Alex, she needs to have her parents together. Maybe here in New Hampshire, Alex loves it here and you can work for the governor."

"Are we talking terms here Toby?"

Toby stroked her cheek with his hand, "No, I'm moving away, I've already quit my job, you choose to come or not."

CJ stood and held out her hand, "I choose to follow you anywhere Toby." 

Toby took the outstretched hand and walked back to the dining room to tell their friends they were going to try again. Toby knew in his heart he loved her, and a world without her was worth nothing. He was also realistic to know it would be a long time before he'd trust her again, before he wouldn't use her affair in anger but he also knew where it mattered that she was probably punishing herself enough for both of them. 

CJ squeezed his tightly; making the connection which she had been missing for days. Being with Toby she was sure she loved him, that for three months she had been trying to capture something lost long ago. The next few months would be painful and she would have to accept whatever test he set to make it work. 

They paused at the dining room door and entered to the collective sigh of their friends and endless questions.

The End

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