Title: Take My Breath Away

Pairings:: CJ/Toby, Toby/Andi

Rating: PG

Summary: There's a song due out by Emma Bunton called "Take my Breath Away" With the following lyrics.

"Every waking day you take my breath away. With every word you say you take my breath away. You look at me that way and come what may. I hope you always know how you take my breath away."

Which when I heard them I thought of Toby and CJ, and came up with a little history.

*****

If anyone asked him Toby would always say he had known her a long time. Secretly he knew it was 11 years and a Summer he would always remember.

She had finished her masters that Summer and full of optimism she had signed up for a congressional campaign.

Toby had been in a highly animated debate with the candidate when he had spotted her entering headquarters.

She was wearing a long cotton skirt, see-through in the light of the door, and a vest top, her long red hair pulled into a ponytail over her shoulder. Then she had been shy and tentative, hovering by the door.

In those few seconds he had lost the power of speech and the room had stopped. Their eyes met, she smiled and he forgot how to breathe.

Later that day he had gone in search of coffee and found her in the kitchen, relegated to making coffee. She had turned to him and offered him a ready-made cup; he declined opting to spend a few minutes in her company.

"I'm Toby Ziegler"

"I know, you're the campaign manager. I'm Claudia Jean Cregg, I'm here for the Summer"

"So CJ, why do you want to work in politics?"

"CJ? I like it. I've just got my masters from Berkeley, I wanted something constructive for my resume."

"With that sort of honesty you will never succeed in politics. So what do you know?"

"I've studied communication for six years, I can type and I'm told I'm argumentative." She stated matter of factly.

He observed her a second then said, "Great, you can be my assistant"

He had fallen in love that Summer. Hiring her as his assistant was probably the best decision he ever made. More than once he had fought with the Press Officer and she had been forced to step in and diffuse the situation. He watched her breathless as she gestured and emphasized his points with ease. When she said his name in that husky tone he had wanted to drop to his knees and beg her to stay forever.

In a bar somewhere late one night they had found themselves alone, arguing about the candidates stand on a topic neither one would remember what. She matched him scotch for scotch and point for point until his head span and then she had taken him by surprise.

"So Toby, do you want to take me to bed?" she had whispered in his ear.

Rather taken by the drink he had found himself replying "Yes".

She had taken his hand and dragged him from the bar and back to her apartment. He had sat on her bed in silence as she slipped out of her clothes and stood before him. It had been her who had reached over to him and coaxed him out of his clothes all the while talking to him quietly. It was only as they lay on the bed later that he remembers breathing again, watching her breasts rise and fall as she slept.

She had stayed much longer than the Summer, and on election night she had held him when they had lost.

*****

Eleven years on they sit in a bar, surrounded by senior staffers and assistants, strategizing, or so they plan on telling Leo tomorrow. The now empty glasses are already lined up on the table.

CJ sits on his right, animated as she relives the president's earlier announcement.

He can see the excitement in her eyes, memories of the election eleven years before flooding back, and then she turns and smiles at him, and he forgets to breathe. He knows he fell in love with her back then, knows that she is the strongest relationship he has ever had because he chose to walk away, he chose friendship over love. It had been the hardest decision of his life, letting her go, and the one and only time he had cried.

*****

It had been early January, they had spent Hanukkah and Christmas together and CJ had been offered a job in California with Emily's List. Eleven years on she still didn't know the strings he pulled to get her an interview, the rest she had done on merit. She wanted him to go with her, there were campaigns in California she had told him, things she wanted to share with him, and for a week he had let her believe he would follow.

Then he had been offered a gubernational campaign in Massachusetts, and for him that had sealed their fate. He could never hold her back; she was destined for higher things so he had taken her to dinner at her favourite restaurant.

As they walked back to their apartment he had dropped her hand and turned away from her. In a snow lined street in Brooklyn he had told her it was all over, and the outdoors had lost any appeal to him. She held her breathe while he spoke barely audible of all the great things she would do, how they would follow separate paths but that they would always be friends. He had watched as she cried and he had shed tears for her.

She had left the following day, taking with her his optimism.

The first few months had been hard, as they struggled to find the balance between lovers and friendship but they had kept in touch. Toby found the distance helped, there was so much he could hide from her, that she couldn't get from his voice that she could read in his eyes.

As time passed he met Andi and fell in love, at least he fell in love with the idea of being in love. She was uncomplicated, firmly established in law and satisfying in bed but more importantly he could live day to day in his own existence. Almost a year to the day CJ left, he and Andi stood before the Justice of the Peace and promised forever.

Toby wrote to her once a month after that, saving phone calls for the important news and avoiding visits at all costs. It was only by chance that he and CJ came face to face again. A congressional seat was opening up in November and Andi wanted to run. When he told her that the logical thing was to contact Emily's List and ask for finance, he had never expected her to come to New York. Toby had stood in silence when Andi had announced they were meeting with a representative over lunch, and had gone dizzy when he heard her name, CJ Cregg.

Andi had arranged to meet her in a bar and requested that Toby tag along. When they arrived CJ was already waiting, Toby's stomach lurched as he saw her standing there, her back to them. Her long red hair had been cut to lapel length, her skirt stopped mid thigh to reveal the long legs he had so tenderly loved every inch of and he was mesmerised by the sight of her camisole through her blouse.

Andi was watching him and nudged him back to reality hissing that he was leering.

They approached her then and he spoke first. "CJ" he whispered.

She turned and smiled at him, throwing her arms around him. "What a surprise, of all the bars?" As she let go she noticed the petite woman with him and the smile became more forced.

"CJ. This is my wife, Andrea Wyatt. Andi this is CJ Cregg"

The two women appraised each other as Toby held his breath, and finally Andi spoke. "Pleased to meet you CJ. Shall we grab a table?" she shot Toby a glance as she led CJ to the table.

Toby sat next to his wife, as far from CJ as possible, and made a pretence of reading the menu. He listened in as the two women chatted, glancing up and smiling as CJ animated her point. Andi shot him a warning glance and he concentrated on his drink. The lunch went well as the two women came up with a structured plan for the campaign and as they exited the bar Andi left them for a minute to go to the ladies room leaving them once again on a pavement in Brooklyn.

"I didn't realise she was your Andi. " she hissed, while in the next breath she whispered "So how are you? Is the campaign going well?"

Toby stared down at his feet, ignoring the heat rising through his body "fine" he grumbled. "How's Whatshisname?"

CJ smiled "We're getting married October 15th, the big white wedding my mother wants. I didn't invite you, I thought you would be tied up with a campaign and all."

"Yeah" was all he could mutter as his chest constricted, he was married to another woman and yet here he was falling apart because CJ was getting married. He noticed Andi coming to join them and managed to growl, "Well CJ I hope you will be happy. Goodbye," extending his hand and leading his wife away.

That night he and Andi had fought for the first time. When she had accused him of still obsessing over CJ he had walked out and hit the nearest bar. Later the worse for drink they had made up in bed. Toby had become more secretive about keeping in touch with CJ after that.

When the phone rang at three am, Andi answered it and hit him hard across the shoulder with the receiver.

Toby knew who it was before he even heard the sobbing."CJ. It's Toby. It's alright. I'm gonna take the phone into the next room and you can tell me what's wrong." Toby settled himself on the sofa and waited as the tears subsided.

"Toby. I've called the wedding off." She gasped as fresh tears began to fall. "Steve and I got into a fight, it got ugly and we both said things, things that can't be taken back."

"It's ok CJ, remember to breathe. Things will seem better in the morning. He'll realise what he's about to lose and come back, it's probably pre wedding jitters."

He heard her exhale, trying to stop the fresh tears. "No Toby, he won't. The things he said, well some Of it was about you, the rest made it sound like I'm some sort of female gigolo."

"Put the phone down CJ. I'm going to phone you back and you can tell me everything, okay." He heard the receiver go down and dialled the now memorised number, she picked it up after the first ring and for the next hour he listened without interruptions as she recounted the evening.

He didn't see Andi stood in the doorway as he whispered encouragement nor when he asked, "Do you want me to come down?" but he heard her slam the bedroom door as told her he would get the next plane down. When he finally got her to stop crying and try to sleep he made his way back to bed and found Andi sat waiting for him.

"You're going to LA? What about Bradley's campaign?" she asked pulling the sheets tighter around her.

"He's going to lose anyway. I'll be gone a few days just till CJ's better."

Andi glared at him "And what about me, what about my campaign, what about me needing you? Sometimes I think you forget you married me."

Toby sighed "I married you because I love you Andi, you'll have me for the rest of your life. CJ needs me for a few days. She's a good friend. I would invite her here but I know you would like that even less." He took her hands and kissed her palms, knowing as he did so that their second fight was going to end the same way as their first.

Later that day he flew to California, and slept on a well-worn couch in CJ's apartment for three days. He nursed her through her tears, held her head when she threw up after the second night's bingeing in a row and cancelled the wedding arrangements.

On the third morning she came out of the bedroom smiling for the first time, holding her robe around her. "So Toby" she whispered, "What do I do with this?" as she dropped the robe to the ground and stood before him in her wedding gown.

He looked her up and down, at the silk that clung to her breasts and flowed from her hips, and tried to even his breathing. "I don't know CJ, but if I wasn't already married we'd fly to Vegas."

CJ let out a laugh, full-throated and shook her head at him, as he shivered at the sound. He knew then in his heart it was time to return to New York.

Five weeks later Andrea Wyatt was elected Congresswoman and Mike Bradley lost to a republican. He phoned CJ at two in the morning from a bar and she commiserated with him once again.

Over the next five years Andi was elected twice more to Congress, spending more and more time in Washington.

Toby found himself working on campaigns with little hope of winning but immersing himself more and more into work.

CJ stayed in California, leaving Emily's List to work on local elections, and eventually leaving politics to return to Public Relations. By mutual agreement every Spring Toby would fly to California and every Winter CJ would fly to New York, Andi was always absent on these trips.

It was fall when after a particularly bad fight Toby took the shuttle to Washington to surprise Andi. Turning up at her apartment in the middle of the day he had expected to find it empty. Instead he had walked in and found her curled up in bed crying. She had been startled when he had taken her in his arms and held her to him, looking up at him with a vacant expression. She had stopped him as he bent to kiss her tears away, knowing where it would lead, and hushed him as he began to speak.

"Toby" she whispered "We need to talk. I need you to listen to me." She pushed herself up in bed, "I can't do this anymore. My heart isn't in it anymore. As much as I love you, and you love me, part of you will never be enough for me; it's always been all or nothing. The fights are getting worse and one of these days we are both going to say too much and sex won't solve it."

She squeezed his hands "I know Toby, I had a long chat with CJ last weekend, she is as worried about you as I am. You are on self-destruct, it's as if you want to fail at everything, you deliberately pick campaigns you don't believe in and work yourself into the ground, your emails to CJ are deliberately distant and our marriage is little more than a sham. It's time to sort yourself out. I want us to take a break; I want you to mend your friendship with CJ, because as much as I want to be the one you turn to it's always going to be her. As much as I want to resent her I can't because I know we have only lasted this long because you have her. There's a rumour of a dark horse candidate running for President, they need good men, Toby I think you should give it a try. I'm not saying it's over I just don't like where we are going." She squeezed his hands as he stood up.

Looking back on that day he realises it was the end, he knows Andi did to. He hadn't phoned CJ nor had he returned to New York, instead he had found a bar and drank until he hated the taste.

The next morning from the hotel he had phoned all the contacts he knew and gotten the number of Leo McGarry, two days later he was on the road.

When Leo had wanted to hire a press officer for Governor Bartlet's campaign his thoughts had turned immediately to CJ. He remembered the way she had articulated his words seven years before and the way the world stopped when she spoke. Leo had been sceptical at first about an unknown entity but her resume spoke for itself and Toby didn't need to pull strings to get her the job. He had flown to California and offered her the job and the only thing that stuck in his mind was her asking if he thought she could do it.

The campaign trail had been an interesting experience for him. From the first few days after Leo assembled his team there had been optimism and a sense of right. The candidate was a monumental pain, but that was something Toby was used to. Having CJ around lightened the mood. She stepped easily into the role as mediator between him and the others. He tried not to notice the way Josh and Sam watched her move, nor the way they all gravitated towards her when she spoke. The nights were easier too as they ended up in bars or crashed in each other's rooms. Their arguments were as passionate as ever and at times she was so animated in her beliefs that he found himself changing tact.

As they started to gain ground in the Primaries he began to forget about his failures and even wondered if much of that was down to her, perhaps if he had held on to her things would have been different. The others were fascinated by them, these two friends, who could speak by looks alone, so attune that one was struggling the other would immediately appear.

The night they won the Democratic nomination he had watched her dance with each of them and inwardly prayed that he would get to spend the next four years spending each waking hour with her.

She had found him later at the bar, nursing what was probably not his first scotch, and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Toby, thank you. For coming to California, for making all this possible. Meeting you all those years ago was the most fortunate moment of my life."

As she kissed him on the cheek he sighed, "It works both ways, you are incredible, and I said You would never make it in politics." He took her by the hand then and they danced until dawn.

Inauguration night had come and gone and they found themselves in the White House.

The next two years had been a roller coaster ride. They had successes, made mistakes but most of all they had both found their place in the world. The others watched as he and CJ built on their relationship. Everyone knew not to approach Toby when CJ was doing the Jackal, that she would hold his gaze that little bit longer than anyone else's. No one intervened when they had fought for twelve weeks solid after the shooting nor after the Ann Stark debacle and no one commented on the nights she curled up in his office while he worked. H

e watched as she and Danny flirted, knowing that she needed to feel something, and she stood in the background as he tried to find a compromise with Andi.

When Leo had finally told her about the MS she had kept her distance, knowing that this was one time she needed to deal with her demons by herself. She would never know how close he came to self destructing, how Leo's lifeboat had pulled him back from the brink. As with every friendship the strength came from knowing if they needed to reach out the other was there.

They had just spent probably the worst day of the Administration. Mrs Landingham's funeral had been heart wrenching for everyone and simultaneously they had pulled away from each other, their grief intermingled with their anticipation as to what the president was going to say.

Toby and CJ had stood on opposite sides of the room as the president had stood on the podium, put his hands in his pockets and announced his intention to run for re-election. She had positively beamed and his concern for her had been etched on his face. He knew it could be a losing battle, and with his experience at loss could better comprehend what it would be like for all of them.

Later they had all decided to hit a bar, eight people overcome with excitement and trepidation.

It was late when they decided to head home. Toby handed the cab driver a handful of money and sent the assistants home. Considering himself capable of driving he herded the others into his car.

After dropping the two friends home he headed for CJ's apartment.

She stayed in the car long after he turned the engine off, and he sensed she wanted to talk.

"Have you got coffee in there?" He asked motioning to the building.

"Yeah, Toby. But I've also got scotch, so you want to come in?"

He undid his seat belt and followed up the steps to her apartment. Shrugging out of his jacket he slumped on to her couch, as she appeared a few minutes later with coffee and scotch. Toby poured himself a cup of coffee as she raised one eyebrow at him. "What?" he growled. "I'm driving, I don't think you would thank me tomorrow when you have to stand before the press and explain how I got pulled over for drunk driving."

"I thought you could stay" she whispered her gaze never wavering.

"I need to go home, I need fresh clothes and who knows when we will get the chance again. And you need to sleep, but I will stay for a little while if you want to talk." He added as the smile on her face faded. "So CJ spill, you've been annoyingly chirpy all evening and now you've gone all melancholy."

She looked at him for a second before turning her body to face him. "I'm not sure where to start or If you really want to hear this" she started.

Toby shrugged "You've never had a problem telling me things I don't want to hear before."

CJ sighed "Okay. Here's the thing. We've been friends for a long time, and we were lovers before that, I've been wondering for a while now what's next for us. With everything over the last few days life seems less permanent, I've seen how easily the world can fall apart. I don't want to wake up one day and find everything has disappeared. Can you understand what I am getting at?"

Toby put his cup down "Not really no, but that's nothing new." He chuckled trying to lighten the mood, feeling the breath catch in his throat.

"Toby" she whispered, "I think you do. We gave up eleven years ago because we both thought it was the right thing to do, I'm not sure it was. We've both failed at every relationship we have ever had, you are my constant. Working with you day in for the last three years has not always been easy but I didn't want to be anywhere else. What I'm trying to say is my feelings for you are only getting stronger. I want us to try again."

Toby let out the breath he was holding and tried not to notice the pain in his chest. He got up abruptly and began to pace the room, his arms gesticulating. "CJ" he warned.

"Toby" she replied.

"You are my best friend. I'm closer to you than anyone. I hope that will always be the case but I don't want anything more. How could you think such a thing? Your feelings aren't reciprocated, CJ, I can only offer you my friendship." He stopped as abruptly as he started and began to put his jacket on. "I should go now, we're going to be alright aren't we?" he asked turning to look at her.

The tears were streaming down her face as she turned away. "No Toby, we are not alright. I give you honesty and all you can give me is crap. I let you push me away last time; it's not enough now. You can take your friendship and shove it. Now get out." She spat.

Toby reeled in shock and turned to the door, looking back once to whisper, "I'm sorry CJ" as he closed the door behind him.

CJ pulled her knees to her chest and let the tears flow freely.

Toby drove home, his head pounding from the alcohol and her words. Entering his apartment he left the lights off and climbed into bed fully dressed. Hours later as sleep evaded him he switched to work mode and found rest in his decision.

Toby arrived at work early the next morning and went straight to Leo's office.

Leo looked up as he entered and raised an eyebrow as he positioned himself on the couch. "Good morning Toby. Is there something I can help you with?" he asked rising from his desk.

"I turned the lifeboat down. I haven't taken leave since the midterms. The next eighteen months are going to be horrendous but I don't think I can be of use to you unless I get out of here for while" he raised his hand to stop Leo as he looked set to interrupt. "After yesterday there are a lot of confused, angry people out there, a lot of them in our own party and someone needs to speak to them. Let me, is all I ask. Sam is here to write speaks, you and Josh can handle congress and I would be only a phone call a way."

Leo spoke for the first time "What are you proposing? You want to quit to run the campaign?"

"No Leo, there's not much going on right now, it will take a while to hire a campaign team so I suggest" he paused as Leo continued to watch him with interest. "I take three weeks and travel around the country meeting party members, talking to them, trying to gage where we can get support."

"There's more to you wanting this trip isn't there, but you're not going to tell me, are you?" Toby shrugged as Leo continued, "It's not without it's merits. I need to run it by the President and speak to CJ about how to tell the press. We don't want them thinking you're jumping ship. Give me till staff." Leo announced, getting up, signalling the meeting was over.

When Toby arrived at staff the others were already waiting, Josh and Sam were both slumped back in their seats staring at the ground while CJ was concentrating a little too hard on the papers in front of her.

After a grumbling of greetings Leo took charge of the meeting. "Right before we get down to Administration business I want to discuss a few things from Yesterday. Firstly Josh, I want you to work with Joey and start polling, specifically how we can win back trust. This is the first poll so get it right." Josh nodded and Leo turned towards Toby. "Secondly Toby is going to be away for a month." Three pairs of eyes jolted up to look at Leo and then at Toby. He avoided all of them and focused on the Leo. "You've got today to get things in order and you fly out tomorrow."

Sam queried "Toby, what's going on. I thought we agreed we were doing this together?"

Leo answered for him. "Toby is going to meet the party unfaithful, get them on board while I find us a campaign manager. CJ you need to tell the press."

CJ nodded and looked at Toby before returning to her papers, which did not go unnoticed by the Leo.

Thirty minutes later after the rest of the business was concluded the staffers filed back to their offices.

Toby spent the day in his office with Ginger, going through his desk, staffing out ongoing projects and preparing Sam for upcoming meetings. His office became a thoroughfare as first Josh, then Leo and finally the President stopped by. Everytime the door went he held his breath hoping it was someone, anyone other than CJ. He prayed he could get away without having to face her.

It was getting on for nine when Toby finished up and let Ginger head home.

A few minutes later there was a knock at the door and CJ appeared. She hovered in the doorway as he continued to clear his desk, finally she spoke, her voice loud and angry, "Toby, you're just going to run away. No Goodbye."

"CJ, you made yourself very clear last night, you don't want my friendship, and I can't give you anything else. It's better if we put some distance between us. With some time we can make this work, we work well together. I don't want to see that fall apart because of a stupid fight."

"Stupid fight" she shouted as she slammed the door.

He rubbed his hand over his face and jumped at the noise.

"I lay myself open to you and you tell me you don't want me. After everything we have been through you lie to me. I know you love me, I've always known."

"You're mistaking friendship for something more CJ. We are a strong team, nobody is as important to me as you are. I know you don't see it now but we are better this way, find someone who can love you like you need. I will be back in a month." He added as he gathered his belongings and moved towards the door.

Toby stood for a second watching her as emotions flickered across her face. He knew how easy it would be to hold her, give her anything she wanted just to see her smile but she had been adamant it was all or nothing and he wasn't ready. He knew he had all these feelings but where they would lead he wasn't sure and he didn't want her to suffer. He opened the door and made his way down the corridor.

"I hate you," she shouted after him.

As he disappeared through the double doors she whispered through the tears "but I'll always love you."

Toby stepped into the fresh air, and felt the stinging on his cheek as the air hit the tears. They would both hurt for a while he knew but he hoped she would always know how she took his breath away.

The End.

Continue to There Will Come A Day

Back to The Communications Bullpen