*~*~*~*

CJ replaced the receiver back on its cradle and leaned back in her chair. It shouldn’t have surprised her that Abbey would call and invite her to the farm, after all she’d invited her every February for the last five years, but it did. There was something in her friend’s voice that told her it would be more than a routine visit, a gentle desperation in the thought that CJ wouldn‘t be able to make it. Of course she’d go, it was tradition, more than that it was like going home.

The rain continued to fall on the pavement outside her office as CJ contemplated her friends. There had been a long time when she didn’t think she and Abbey could ever be friends again, but they were, due in no small part to the regular visits to the farm, occasional lunches while Abbey was in town filled with endless chatter, and numerous phone calls. If anything their friendship was stronger now than it had ever been. CJ had never been able to shake off the guilt over the affair, instead she had compartmalized it as she had with so many issues in the Bartlet administration, and moved on with her life. Then there was Jed. They had never discussed what had happened between them, the old adage of “letting sleeping dogs lie” seeming more appropriate. There were times it seemed as if he had forgotten all about it then he would look at her it that familiar way and she knew he hadn‘t. She hadn’t either.

“Carol?”

Her long suffering assistant appeared in the doorway, notepad in hand. “Yes, boss?”

“I need you to organize flights for me. Flying out Friday night and back early Monday morning,” CJ said, turning in her chair.

Carol nodded, “New Hampshire, Concord?” The same time every year CJ took a vacation, in fact it was the only vacation she ever took. Since her father’s death, and largely due to the guilt she harboured that she hadn’t been there in his final days, she seemed to be clinging to the Bartlets as though they were the only family she had.

“And I’ll need a car from the airport,” CJ added. A car that would sit in the drive way from Friday night to Sunday night while the three musketeers, as Abbey dubbed them, stayed on the farm.

“Yes, boss,” Carol said, disappearing back into her own office and leaving CJ to return to her reverie.

*~*~*~*

CJ steered the rental car to a halt in front of the house. It was just as she remembered. The porch where Abbey had refused her cider, the barn where Jed had told her he needed her, even the rolling hills where she had spent so many hours wandering as she contemplated her life.

“We were getting worried,” Abbey announced, her voice breaking into the silence as she opened the car door. “Jed was about to send out a search party.”

“I’m fine. The traffic was bad on the highway,” CJ lied, not willing to admit how long she had been sitting in the airport car park contemplating getting on the next plane back to D.C. She swung her legs out of the car and stood to accept Abbey’s warm embrace. “How is your husband?”

Abbey’s prolonged silence confirmed CJ’s worse fears. He was getting worse and the chances were this would be their last visit together.

CJ swallowed and tried to quell the surge of emotion. “I guess we shouldn’t keep him waiting.”

They walked into the house, CJ’s carryall swinging between them. At the door, Abbey headed towards the kitchen leaving CJ to make her way to the study alone.

Lightly she rapped on the door and took a deep breath as his voice beckoned her in. CJ pushed open the door and blinked. The room was bathed in bright light and Jed sat in his over stuffed leather chair, a book open on his lap, glasses perched precariously on his nose.

“Claudia,” he called, his eyes dancing as they roamed her body. He was after all old not blind.

“Jed.” She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing a kiss to his temples. His increasing frailty was impossible to miss, the lucidness of his skin, the shadow of a man she remembered.

“How have you been? How’s Carol? How long are you staying?” he asked, his hand reaching for hers and holding it as tightly as he could.

Her smile reached her eyes as she crouched beside him. “I’m good. Work is crazy. They want me to commentate on the mid terms come November. Carol is fine and her kids are great.”

His eyes never left her face as his hand rested lightly on her shoulder. He hoped she was as strong as he remembered. The day had come, the one where Abbey would need her, and she would in turn need Abbey. It wouldn’t be long before his condition took its fatal turn and he needed the people he loved to be together. In time he would tell Leo, but his friend would take it badly and Jed wasn’t sure he had the strength to help Leo through the pain. These women, he hoped would. It wasn’t as if the others would be of any use.

“How are you?”

Jed shrugged and avoided her eyes. It was late. The last thing he wanted to do was mar their visit with worries. “I’m a little tired.”

“Me too.” She wasn’t but there were files to read over and she sensed he needed to rest.

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” he promised, and they would, he needed to say things to her that he had bottled up for years. Awkwardly he rose to his feet and gripped the frame that he relied on so constantly. “Sleep well.” He moved to kiss her and CJ leaned down, accepting the light brush of his lips against her cheek.

“Goodnight, Jed.” She watched him cross the study to the door and only when the door closed behind him did she let the single tear fall on her cheek. It was fast approaching time to let go and nothing she could do could prevent it.

*~*~*~*

Saturday morning came bright and far too early for CJ’s liking. She rolled over in bed and pulled the pillow over her head. It was a pointless exercise she knew. Abbey would come pounding on the door in a few minutes, announcing breakfast and demanding CJ get up.

CJ counted to ten and climbed out of bed, rummaging through her suitcase for something practical to wear. She finally settled on a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt.

“CJ,” Abbey called, knocking loudly on the door. “Breakfast is ready.”

The day had started.

The weekend always played out the same. A huge farmhouse breakfast with coffee, these days decaffeinated because Abbey felt they should all take better care of their bodies. It didn’t bother her that they were eating to excess. Then Jed would insist they drove around the compound. Every year he would give her a history of the Bartlet farm and tell her in detail about the improvements they’d made. His eyes lit up as he talked and for a few hours CJ got to see the man she remembered. After lunch Jed would normally disappear into his study leaving the women to talk. This time he retired to take a nap, not reappearing until dinner time. The evening began with dinner followed by chess or cards and endless reminiscing. They stayed up late, not wanting to waste a minute of the time they had together. Saturday was never a day to dwell on what was bad in their lives only what was important and this year was no different.

The following day began in much the same way, only they spent the morning relaxing over the newspapers, commenting on Toby‘s latest editorial and Josh‘s antics. They were all that bit older and riding and tennis seemed far too energetic.

CJ glanced up from her papers and marvelled at how easy they were together. How easily she had become part of the family.

Abbey reached out and squeezed her hand. She had been fearful that CJ wouldn’t be able to come this year. Having her there gave Jed something to hold on to and Abbey needed him to hold on just a little longer. She wasn’t ready to let go yet.

The younger woman gave her a reassuring smile and returned to her reading.

*~*~*~*

Dinner at the Bartlets was devoid of any airs and graces. They ate in the small dining room off the kitchen on what Abbey called her every day china. It was relaxed and easy, the wine flowing as freely as the food.

“I remember the first time we met you,” Jed announced suddenly, laying his fork down on his plate, his meal half eaten.

CJ and Abbey shared a concerned look and waited.

“You were forty minutes late and Toby and you were bickering.”

There was nothing new there, they were always bickering in these early days, hell they had been bickering for years. “Toby managed to get us lost three times, not to mention we’d waited for Josh, except that was pre-Donna and he forgot he was supposed to be coming.”

Jed, if he heard her, chose not to comment, instead staring off into the distance, his thoughts wrapped up in that day. “We were out on the veranda, drinking cider. There were all these new people and Leo wanted me to meet you, get to know you. You still had frizzy hair and long legs.” That had been before he got to know her, before he and Leo started to swap fantasizes about her.

CJ remembered that day, well she could hardly forget. Within minutes she knew she and Abbey would be friends, the older woman taking her under her wing and chatting as though they had known each other for years. The Governor on the other hand she hadn’t been so fond of. He had been rude, obnoxious and boring, at least that was what she had thought. In those first weeks she had also thought him scatty and folksy, wondering what the hell had gotten into Toby. Of course time had changed that. He was focused and afraid and once she had gotten past that they had become friends. Respect and trust had eventually evolved into love.

Her lips quirked up into a smile as she thought how simply she had gone from love to being in love. In one night she had gone from kissing him to what ifs, from being his Press Secretary to knowing he was going to be a part of her life forever. The blue Armani gown had long since gone, too small for her now fuller frame, but her memories of that night, and the nights that followed, were still strong.

“CJ?” Abbey repeated, aware that her friend had suddenly become distant. She could hazard a guess where CJ’s mind was, her own thoughts often drifting back to the time Jed was strong, loving and coherent.

“I’m sorry.” She shook herself from her reverie and gave her hosts a quick smile.

“Would you like desert?”

She shook her head. These days everything went to her hips, and recently she’d been comfort eating more than usual as the pressures of work taking their toll.

“Then I’ll clear the table,” Abbey said, rising to her feet and watching hesitantly as Jed leaned on his frame and began to walk towards the door. “Care to help, CJ?”

CJ glanced back to Abbey and nodded. The older woman wanted to talk and the time had come to let her.

*~*~*~*

They had washed and dried the dishes in silence.

Abbey was preoccupied, wondering what, and how to say what she needed. She needed to be honest, no sugar coating the truth, but she needed CJ to be strong. Jed wanted to spend time with her, time that he could cherish, rather than watching her unravel before him.

“Abbey?“ CJ said finally, dropping the dish cloth on the drainer and turning to study her friend. “Please tell me.”

Taking a deep breath, Abbey walked into the living room and began to pace the wooden floorboards.

CJ dropped onto the couch and waited, hands clasped in her lap.

It was hard to hear it out loud, for both of them - Jed was sick, dying, there was his MS and now a recent minor stroke to contend with. There was more - what was to come spelled out in terms even CJ could understand. Abbey finished speaking and lowered herself onto the couch beside her friend. “He wanted to see you, to tell you himself.”

“How long?” CJ fought the tears and the images of him suffering, needing to know everything.

The magic question, the one that no one could answer. “Not long.”

“Does Leo know? The others?” She already knew the answer. They didn’t, and probably wouldn’t, not until it was too late.

Abbey shook her head. “He asked for you. You’ve always been his favorite and he felt bad about not telling you himself about the MS. Josh and Toby wouldn’t know how to act. . .” Her voice trailed off as she choked back tears.

CJ wondered if maybe Abbey knew, or suspected, about what had happened all those years ago. She shook the thought away in the knowledge that Abbey would have asked her about it, never one to hold back.

Her eyes were misty and she gazed at CJ expectantly. “He loves you like one of his own daughters, CJ. And I know you love him.”

More than Abbey would know, she loved him. “Is he alright out there?”

“Yeah, he likes time alone to think. Why don’t you go check on him and I’ll take a bath?” Abbey offered reassuringly. The two of them needed time to talk and she needed time to regain her control.

CJ smiled and rose to her feet, wrapping her arms around Abbey tightly before releasing her and heading for the porch.

“Abbey sent me to ask if you needed anything,” CJ announced loudly.

Jed turned from staring off into the distance and gave her a weak smile. “I’m good.”

She nodded and moved to leave, not wanting to interrupt his moment of solitude for longer than necessary. There had been a time when she would stay, desperate to watch him a moment longer, but he was now a man with so little time she had no right to intrude.

“Stay.” His voice came hoarse and barely audibly as his eyes bored into her. His hand patted the swing beside him.

“I . . .” She glanced back through the screen door to the house and made a decision. “Okay.” Her heels drummed on the wood as she walked towards the swing and sat down.

“You’re still beautiful,” he whispered, his fingers closing over hers. “I’d almost forgotten.”

It had been five years since the Administration had ended and each time she travelled to New Hampshire she found him weaker than the last. The long conversations they had shared in office tired him now and he could no longer write. Even reading was almost too much for his brain to handle. She missed it, she missed the man she loved but there were moments when he was still there, when she could see the Jed she remembered in his eyes.

“Conservatively elegant I think they call it,” she said, staring off into the distance. It pained her to see him like that, his skin almost transparent, his forehead scrunched as he tried to recall things long forgotten.

The slight flush to her skin made him smile. Compliments still embarrassed her and that satisfied him. “How are the twins?”

She wanted to tell him to talk to Toby, but that was useless. Considering she was the person he wanted to hurt the least, the one he told Leo to deal with, it was only her that came to the farm. Josh, Toby, even Sam, communicated through Leo. It seemed she took bad news better than the others and didn’t need more than the truth and reassurance. Something told her that when the time came she would be the one to tell the others the bad news.

“They’re nine and growing up fast. Toby is learning that parenthood isn’t all about baseball games and ballet classes.”

“I still dream about you,“ he whispered, bringing her palm to his lips and brushing it lightly with his lips. “Of course at my age that makes me a dirty old man.“

“That depends what the dreams are about,“ she teased. Her eyebrows rose in mirth as she remembered a conversation long ago when he had first admitted that he fantasized about her.

He gave her a grin, his eyebrows waggling in mock irritation. “Claudia Jean.”

She shrugged innocently before kicking off her pumps.

Jed’s grin widened as he watched her place her shoes carefully on one side and tuck her feet up under her. The swing rocked gently as she leaned into his touch.

It was like old times, the night in the movie room, when he had wrapped his arm around her and held her tightly. She knew without looking up that he was starring at her, his eyes memorizing her face, holding onto the images.

“Do you have any regrets?” he asked quietly, his breath catching as he waited for her to answer.

CJ stiffened but didn’t look up. “No.”

“I do. I regret that I hurt you so much. That I wasn’t there when the agent died to help you grieve. I . . .” he swallowed. “I wish that I could have found a way.”

“Jed,” she started, sitting up and turning to look at him. “It was a long time ago.”

“I loved you.”

She nodded, closing her eyes briefly before opening them again. “I know. I loved you too.”

I love you, he wanted to say but it was too late for that. He was dying and he couldn’t offer CJ anything now. He’d spent best part of the last fifteen years in love with two women and it was awful watching Abbey struggle to deal with the inevitable, he couldn’t put CJ through that too. Tomorrow she would leave and that would be their goodbye. Telling her he still loved her would only make the pain worse.

“I brought a video I thought you might like to watch,” CJ said, her voice barely concealing her amusement.

“Oh?”

“From Here To Eternity.” She didn’t know why she packed it, why she had searched the apartment for the videotape, only that it seemed important that she bring it this time. Her conversation with Abbey only confirmed that it was the right thing to do.

“I haven’t been able to watch that movie for. . .” he trailed off. That night at the White House had been the last time.

“Then tonight is as good a time as any,” she said, biting back the feeling of dread. “Abbey’s making us pop corn before she goes for a bath.”

“She told you,” he stated matter-of-factly. “I wanted to be the one. . .It’s not as bad as it seems.”

Which CJ concluded, was why Abbey had chosen to tell her.

“I’m seventy, CJ. Things are bound to start going wrong. “

Her arms tightened around his waist, holding him as near as she dare. “Well Toby is in his fifties and he hasn’t been right for years.“

She meant it to come out as funny but he knew as she tightened her grip that she was worried about what was coming. He knew he had made the right decision.

“So shall we go into the house?“

CJ gazed up at him and smiled. “Sure.” she waited as he struggled to his feet, unwilling to annoy him, but fussing anyway.

Once upright he let out a deep breath and nodded.

They made their way to the door and CJ opened the door for him enter, waiting for him to enter before following him in.

*~*~*~*

CJ inserted the tape into the machine and made her way to the rosewood side table. Silently she poured two glasses of brandy before making her way to the couch.

Jed shifted up and patted the cushions beside him.

She handed him a glass and her fingers grazed her own. Her heart beat a little faster at the all too familiar stirrings. They were older, jaded, but that didn’t mean she didn’t still have feelings. The lust had long since disappeared to be replaced with a love that she would have until the day she died. A love that was stronger than anything she had for her lover back in DC.

“I wish you didn’t have to leave tomorrow,” Jed said, pressing play on the remote.

“I know. I don’t really want to leave.” This time, more than ever she wanted to stay, but work and a fear of what she would witness meant she had to. “But we have tonight.”

The kiss was soft, gentle and reverent, his lips barely brushing against hers. There wasn’t the passion there had been during the months of their affair, their relationship, but there remained a love she had never been able to replace.

CJ kissed him back, her arms wrapping around his neck as she closed her eyes. She wanted to tell him she loved him, but it seemed inappropriate in the setting, instead she would have to settle for hoping he knew.

“The film,” she said when they finally broke apart.

Jed squeezed her hand and they settled down to watch the film, his arm wrapped firmly around her shoulder.

*~*~*~*

CJ shifted the car into drive but not before she glanced back at the study window. She couldn’t see his face behind the glass but she knew he was there, watching her leave.

They had said goodbye over the breakfast table, his arms holding her longer and tighter than she thought possible. The tears in his eyes hadn’t gone a miss either.

Tears pricked in her own eyes as realization hit. She would never again gaze into his deep blue eyes or hear his gentle voice whisper her name. Silently she said the words she had been unable to say to his face, the words she had held in her heart for years. With one more look over her shoulder she headed down the driveway and onto the main road, knowing that the next time she came he wouldn’t be there.