Jed rolled over and squinted at the clock. He had only been asleep for a little over an hour, but it seemed par for the course in recent weeks that he’d have fitful nights. His waking up energized had ended somewhere at the beginning of his first term, and now he wasn’t sure if he slept at all.

Groaning, he climbed out of bed and tiptoed across the room.

Most of his staff would be on their way back from Cambridge. They’d elected to attend some event with loud music and young people - Rock The Vote, he thought that was it was called - almost definitely not his scene. He was actually quite relieved that they didn’t want him to attend, fully intending to get an early night and spend some quality time with Abigail.

His wife was sound asleep. Which was why he envied her. She knew so little about what was going on in his life and that was how he preferred it. If she had known, she would have wanted to sit up and listen, trying to help him find peace, peace which he knew wouldn’t be forthcoming. Instead, he pretended to sleep, and waited for her to drift off before he wandered the hallways and wrestled with his demons and his guilt alone. Sometimes the less you knew the better.

Which was pretty much the way he felt about Josh’s love life.

Donna had babbled something earlier about a band called Barenaked Ladies. Jed had briefly wondered if it was indicative of how they dressed. He had fleetingly hoped not. The idea of Josh with another crush, so close on the heels of Amy, was almost too much to bear. One day he hoped the boy would wake up and realize what love really was. Tomorrow morning his staff would be there bright and early, well most of them bright, telling him all about their evening. They, like Abbey, had no idea what was really going on, and for now he had to keep it like that. This time, if it blew up, they wouldn’t, couldn’t be held to account. It wouldn’t be like the MS announcement, and for that he was relieved.

Jed opened the door quietly, checking back over the shoulder to make sure Abbey hadn’t stirred. Satisfied, he walked down the corridor, nodding to the two agents on duty and going into his study. The door clicked shut behind him.

The side lamp lit the room as he settled himself in an armchair and closed his eyes.

He should be used to not sleeping, to having thoughts haunting his slumber. Stanley hadn’t been able to help him with his insomnia and on days like he’s had recently, it‘s almost more than he can bear. Things seem to get harder and the days longer until he isn’t sure where one problem ends and another begins.

Night after night, he sits in the same chair, and relives his best and worst moments. Often times he wishes he couldn’t remember anything then his thoughts return to his wife and how much that would hurt her, and he chides himself.

As the clock ticks on the mantle place he has to admit the last few weeks haven’t been all bad.

There had been a brief moment of humor in an otherwise difficult week and for that he was thankful. It had given the staff something to laugh about. Not that Jed thought the press would find it funny. Losing two of your staff on a campaign trip when you have MS isn’t quite what you need as a headline. He still hadn’t heard the full story, except it involved almost every conceivable form of transport possible and poor Donna found herself taking care of Josh and Toby. Nobody deserved that. There really wasn’t any chance of them living it down soon. Of course Leo had found an upside, something about a new education policy.

Then there had been the Convention.

“The Democratic Nominee for the 2002 Presidential election is Josiah Bartlet.“

Jed had kissed Abbey passionately on the lips and shaken hands with his staff before making his way to the stage. The surge of applause and cheers had brought a smile to his face and as he’d given his acceptance speech, his eyes had sought out and found his staff.

Leo had beamed and clapped his hands enthusiastically. A mouthed thank you had been all Jed could manage in the emotion of the moment, the words would follow later.

His eyes had drifted to Josh and Sam and Toby, their elation expressed in ways only they could. Finally, he had sought out CJ. Her smile and her dancing eyes were burned into his memory. He knew in that second that he could never thank them enough for the year they had given him. They had all celebrated that night on Air Force One and for once Abbey and he had joined them.

The thing about happiness, he had decided in the intervening weeks, was that it didn’t last long. There was always something lurking in the wings to turn it into a distance memory. As President it was never one thing, more like twenty.

“Jed?” Abbey called from the doorway, her robe pulled tightly around her.

Jed looked up and smiled weakly, “I didn’t want to wake you.” His eyes drifted over her body and he felt the familiar stirrings. His wife was stunning, even in her newly awakened state, with tousled hair and wide eyes.

Abbey crossed the room and leaned over the chair, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “I know you can’t talk about whatever’s bothering you, but do you want me to sit up with you?”

“Nah, you go back to bed,” he offered, covering her hands with his own. Sometimes he wished she didn‘t know him quite as well as she did. “I’ll be in shortly.”

Her light kiss against the back of his head was gentle before she released him and left him alone.

The whole problem about the last few weeks was that he couldn’t control any of it. Which is why he lay awake at night. Abbey always said he liked to fix everything and she was right. It infuriated him when he couldn’t. There was very little he could have done to improve the situation other than admit he’d murdered a foreign national with diplomatic immunity and he certainly wasn’t about to do that.

He lived in the daily knowledge that they could, the Qumar government, discover at any time his involvement in the disappearance of Shareef. It was becoming somewhat of a thorn in his side. The daily briefings from Leo, Fitz, and Nancy, only seemed to bring further bad news. The British and Americans went through the motions of looking for the plane, filing a comprehensive report and hoping that would be it. Of course it wouldn’t be. Nothing was ever that simple.

Leo, Fitz and Nancy offered to take responsibility for taking the plane down. The difference between them, Jed knew, is that they weren’t feeling guilty, he was. It was what was needed, and it was their job. They can rationalize that. He can’t. His sleep is interrupted nightly by his guilt in what he still feels is an unlawful killing, well at least a moral wrong. He was party to the murder of a man he had met a few hours earlier in the holiest of offices. It’s something he will never be able to discuss with anyone - not Abbey, his shrink, his priest, even CJ.

Instead he is forced to bear the guilt alone.

Guilt seems to be a permanent fixture in his life. Every day people suffer because of something he did, a decision his administration made. Firstly it was guilt over his relationship with CJ and for cheating on Abbey. So he broke up with CJ and tried to spend more time with his wife. Then he felt guilt for yelling at Josh, because it wasn‘t really Josh‘s fault things were a mess. But it‘s the guilt over Shareef that leads him to this study every night, and from his daily briefings, it‘s not going to change anytime soon.

Tomorrow he knows there will be something new to add to the list.

Some good, if there is such a thing, has come out of the whole Qumari incident. His relationship with Leo is back on track. They talk about the little things when they can no longer talk about the major things. When Leo closes the connecting door or says goodnight, Mr. President, Jed can see the friend he’s known for years.

As usual his thoughts are wandering. In a moment of candidacy Leo admitted he was dating again. At least that Jordan is back in his life. After being an idiot, and with Leo, Jed knows that’s fully possible, she walked out of his life and once again he became a workaholic. Needing a lawyer, Leo called her. He had dinner with probably the perfect woman then forgot, or rather was too distracted to call her again. It took an international incident and a need for advice to get them to meet again. What happens next is unfortunately is down to Leo, well with a gentle push from his friends.

Jed leaned forward in his chair and placed his folded hands between his knees. Tomorrow he will talk to Abbey and ask her to intervene. If anything it will distract her from what is plaguing him.

The hardest thing he has had to deal with in the last week is the one thing he really had no control over. The pipe bombings at Keningson State University.

He’d found out like so many others, watching CJ in her briefing. He liked to indulge in watching her when Charlie would allow, which he had to admit wasn’t often enough. CJ had suddenly become focused as she left the podium, he’d seen Carol approach her as the news obviously began to trickle in. Then CJ had made her way back onto the podium and in a calm collected voice she had began to fill in the media on what was happening.

Of course that was the reason he’d hired her, or rather Leo had, her composure in a crisis and the way people trusted what she said. A relative unknown four years ago she had certainly grown into the role. Her ability to cope in a crisis was another reason he hoped she and Abbey would remain friends. One day in the future his wife would need her by her side, when his condition took a turn for the worse. Leo and the others would be of no use.

Once again he was getting sidetracked.

Someone, or rather a group, had planted bombs inside a swimming arena in the middle of a swim meet. Jed couldn’t understand how anyone could do that, to want to bomb innocent people. But to attack kids seemed particularly heinous. So many had died, male and female, without warning. His first horror had been replaced with an overwhelming fear for his own daughters.

It was Jed’s natural instinct to want to talk to his little girls, not so little any more, but they would always be his babies. He’d had Charlie track down Zoey first. She was the same age as six of the dead girls and he could barely imagine the pain of the parents. It was only later that he spoke to them and tried to offer words of condolence which he knew would mean little.

Zoey had given the usual response. She thought he was fussing but for once he didn’t mind, and he suspected she didn’t either. Their conversation was brief but had left him feeling a modicum better.

Ellie had been surprised by his call, too caught up in her work to see the news. In a moment of tenderness she had whispered her words of love and he had wanted to drag her to DC if only to have her with him.

Liz was easier, not a daddy’s girl and therefore more practical like her mother. They had talked, he’d hung up and he’d felt so much better. More than anything he needed to hear their voices, and when he had, it was okay.

In the past few days he had spoken to each of them regularly, secure in the knowledge they were safe.

The night of the bombing he’d given a speech at a fundraising dinner and instead of campaigning, he had spoken from the heart. Sam’s words had been amazing, so lucid and perfect. It wasn’t just rhetoric or political maneouvering, he really did mean what he said.

Since then the situation had only gotten worse and the West Wing had been crazy. The bombers have taken refuge in Iowa and now he has a siege to deal with. He had to give a speech to the NEA and it wasn’t until he stepped up on stage, that he even knew what he wanted to say.

Then of course there was Ritchie. The more the man campaigned, the more Jed was determined he was never going to win. The guy was an opportunist and not a very bright one at that. There was a time and place for everything and a memorial service for the dead was not the place for scoring political points.

He couldn’t believe that the guy actually wanted to speak at the memorial service. The Chancellor had asked Jed, because of their history, not because he was President. But if he had to give it up speaking at the event, he would. Hell, he’d even ban the press. CJ liked that idea, he could tell. As they’d walked and talked, an all too rare occurrence these days, they’d actually bantered. It wasn’t the time maybe, but it helped. She had a unique smile that didn’t fail to make his day better.

It continued to amaze him that his thoughts drifted to CJ. Even when things were falling apart, she still made him smile and think the world was still a good place.

At least she did until his stupid mistake earlier in the day. Which is something he has in common with Leo. Both of them really need to learn how to handle women. All he had been trying to do was protect Abbey and all he had succeeded in doing was hurting someone who would never do him any harm.

A small article in the newspaper had caused him to reconsider his relationship with CJ and after a week of debate he had had Charlie call over and ask his Press Secretary to come over. What transpired had not been good.

*~*~*~*

“You wanted to see me, Mr. President?” CJ asked quietly.

Jed glanced up from signing papers and gave her a weak smile. This wasn’t what he wanted, but there was something nagging at him, something that needed to be resolved. He’d been trying to find the words for months to tell her how sorry he was about Simon and then the moment had been lost. “Walk with me?”

CJ glanced through the French doors and faltered. Their relationship it seemed was destined to be played out on the portico, except they didn’t have a relationship anymore, well not one beyond President and Press Secretary. He would never know how much she had needed him to walk into her office and hold her or just listen while she bared her soul. Work, and her spin boys, had been the only things to keep her afloat all summer.

“CJ?”

“Yes, Sir,” she replied quietly following him onto the portico.

There was silence as they stood in the balmy night air, each thinking about the last time they had been standing there.

It had been inevitable that he would end it, even predictable that she would try again with someone else and it would fail. Falling for Simon had been a rebound thing, all consuming yet slow burning. Ron’s voice telling her that he was dead still played in her ears at night, taunting her. The kiss had been full of a promise of what could never be. In the months she’d mourned him, things had become clearer. No one mentioned Simon anymore, no one really knew what to say.

“There was a thing,” Jed said slowly, looking around at the nearby agents.

CJ followed his gaze and took a step closer to him. “Which thing?”

“Seth Wineberger.”

She’d read about him. He’d embarked on a crazy affair with his assistant. Three months after he’d stepped down, she’d gone to the press. Her eyes lit up and she glared at him. “Mr. President, you’re surely not asking me. . .?” CJ trailed off. How could he even think such a thing? She would never betray their friendship, their relationship like that. Too many people would get hurt, his campaign would be destroyed and she didn’t even want to contemplate what effect it would have on him.

“I didn’t think. . .”

“No, you didn’t,” she interrupted in disbelief. Lowering her voice, she leaned in close to him. “I would never ever do that to you.” Her eyes said so much more than her words, a rare admittance of how she felt.

Jed sighed. He hadn’t really thought she would, he was just being selfish. If anything he wanted to spare Abbey, which sounded hypocritical even to his own ears. It was over, and their marriage was back on track. He couldn’t bare to lose her again. Besides, he’d already given up one thing he loved.

“I know, it’s just. . .” he wrung his hands. “I don’t want anyone else to get hurt because of me.”

Her long tapered fingers reached out and squeezed his arm.

His eyes lifted from his arm to lock with her own. For the first time in months he saw the dark bags and the slightly lost look. He couldn’t imagine what the last few months had been like for her. Then there hadn’t been the evenings in her office where they could just be themselves. Sometimes he wondered if they hadn’t made love in India, whether they would still be as close.

“I never after, after. . .you know, the thing. . .Simon. . . Asked how you were doing,” Jed stammered, watching her eyes close briefly and open again with her walls firmly in place.

“I’m fine.” She smiled but it failed to reach her eyes.

Jed didn’t believe her. When someone you knew, cared about, died, you needed to grieve. CJ hadn’t really had the chance. She had been working fourteen hour days, running the Press office and liaising with Bruno. Work had been her way of coping, except looking at her now, and he had for the first time, she hadn’t. There was nothing he could offer her, nothing that wouldn’t stir up old feelings and make things more complicated.

“If there’s nothing else,” CJ said, pulling her hand away and putting distance between them.

A pang of guilt shot through him. He had hurt her all over again. He opened his mouth to speak, to apologize, to say he was sorry, but closed it again. There was nothing he could say. “Thank you.”

It was cold and empty, but she smiled at him and disappeared through the door to the anteroom.

That would be the last time they discussed it, if he knew CJ. It was a year since he’d admitted he needed her. He still needed her, and if the last few days were anything to go on, much more than he realized. Of course after their meeting earlier, he doubted that they would return to their previous relationship. In a selfish moment he had jeopardized their friendship.

Jed rubbed his temples. It was no good, even in the light of day things wouldn’t be any easier. Why he would want to spend another four years like this, he wasn’t sure, but he had people who depended on him, people who would walk through fire for him. They were the reason he would win on election night, the reason he should try and get some sleep.

Sighing, he headed back to bed.

The End