It was four o’ clock in the morning when Jed climbed out of bed and walked down the hallway to his private study. They had arrived back from New York a little under an hour ago, thanks to the swiftness of Air Force One, and he had sent the staff home to get some sleep, fully intending to follow his own orders.

Unfortunately tonight, sleep was proving elusive. Abbey was away again. She always seemed to be away these days, and he was suffering all the more for her absence.

The past few weeks, and especially the last twenty-four hours, had given him more than a little cause for concern. He wondered if there would ever be a day when he could concentrate on just one thing, and get that right, instead of failing miserably at everything.

It wasn’t so much he hated being President, it was just that today for a few minutes, all he seemed able to dwell on were the downsides to the job - his loss of privacy, the lack of time for hobbies and the elusiveness of sleep. There were plus sides, it was just, well in the face of everything, they didn’t seem that much of a plus most of the time.

Jed turned the page from the one he had been staring at for the last five minutes to stare blankly at another.

The play had been excellent. Despite the fact it was five and a half hours long and awful things were happening elsewhere, he had enjoyed it. It was then he remembered why Abbey had suddenly scheduled a trip. She hated “War of the Roses.” Granted she had never seen it, but she had declared that watching paint dry held more appeal. Of course Leo had pretty much indicated the same thing. Unfortunately for Leo, he didn’t have the credence, Abbey did to get out of it that easily. Still, the actors had presence, the Catholic Churches had made a considerable sum for charity, and Jed had been captivated.

He tried to look for other good things, in order not to dwell too much on what he couldn’t change.

His staff of course. Even with the primaries drawing to an end they were happy. Jed had spent a few minutes the previous night watching Sam and Toby, and for the first time in months he saw the brotherly love they so much depended on. It was the look in Sam’s eyes when Toby praised him or stuck up for him. It had been there during the whole “call girl” thing, and now in spite of Sam’s gaffe, it was back and stronger than ever.

Then there was Josh and Amy. Jed still couldn’t comprehend why Abbey had decided to match make those two, but it seemed, despite everything they both did to destroy it, to work. From what he had been told, Amy had lost her job, Josh had won the vote, but even so, had kept the girl. That boy certainly lived a charmed life.

At some point he knew he needed to apologize to Josh. Nothing was really Josh’s fault, well except maybe he needed to learn to keep secrets from his women, and that was something Jed wasn’t going to publicize, at least not within hearing range of CJ or Donna. Josh didn’t even know about Shareef, and it wasn’t his fault CJ had a stalker, or that Amy was stubborn. And they were things Josh couldn’t have changed anyway.

Jed had been thinking about it a lot since it happened, why exactly he took his frustrations out on Josh, and he still hadn’t come up with a satisfactory reason. He thought maybe it was because Josh needed a kick, but that had always been Leo’s job, not Jed‘s. Of course there was also the fact that Leo had been tied up elsewhere at the time. Not that yelling at Leo had ever done Jed any good. Leo, rarely if ever, yelled back and his calm rational tone was enough to drive anyone insane.

With Josh, Jed could yell, Josh would take it calmly and take his frustrations out on someone else. It also had a lot to do with the father-son relationship. Josh lacked a father, and needed someone to look up to. Of course, it was normally Leo who was the father and Josh the son, but even so Jed considered Josh as much his son as Zoey was his daughter.

And, then there was Charlie. Charlie, who gave money to charity despite his pittance of a wage and a sister to take care of. Charlie, who wanted to hire a woman because she was fired because of him, or at least to his mind. Jed still thinks of her as a fruitcake, but something in the way Charlie spoke to him suggested come next week, she’ll be back in his office, acting more reasonably. And Jed would probably give her a second chance, in deference to his father-son relationship with Charlie.

Of course that brought his mind back to Delores. It was a year ago that she died. And, as he was standing in the cemetery talking to her, he wondered what she would make of everything going on his life. There were moments he felt like she was watching over him, and times when he desperately wanted her to be. But deep down, he knew he made the decisions, and he would have to live with them. She would admire him for that, any other way and she wouldn‘t have wanted to know him.

Then there was CJ. The image of her naked in his bed was still burnt into his mind. As was her face that evening after the Press conference, when he tried to be honest with her.

*******

Charlie had knocked on the door to the Oval Office and entered. He had lightly pushed the door to, a habit he had acquired for those times he wasn’t sure if the President was up to seeing people, and announced CJ was there.

Jed looked up from his desk and towards Charlie, his face neutral, compared to Charlie’s expectant one. He had been wondering for a while whether Charlie thought there was something strange about his relationship with CJ. Actually, since the day CJ had asked if the President wore special underwear and Charlie‘s eyes had widened in disbelief. But that was something he wasn’t going to get into any time soon.

At first Jed debated sending her away, but he couldn’t delay things forever. It needed to be done. Finally, he nodded.

Charlie opened the door. “You may go in,” he mumbled.

CJ stepped into the room, the jacket of her grey suit, buttoned up as her hands brushed down her skirt. “Good evening, Mr. President.”

“CJ.”

She hovered by the door as Charlie closed it from outside.

“What do you need?” Jed asked, glancing down at the papers and avoiding her eyes.

“I came to say. . .,” she stumbled. “The speech went well. I think you did a good job at getting across the distinction between drilling and exploration.” She stopped and fidgeted with her hands.

“We have Toby and Sam to thank for that.” He looked up briefly and down again. “Let’s take a walk.” He rose to his feet and took long strides towards the French doors. “Charlie, I’ll be on the portico if Leo needs me.”

The agent on duty opened the door and Jed stepped outside into the warm April air, CJ following closely behind.

“It’s going to be a hot summer,” CJ commented nervously.

Jed nodded and turned to face the rose garden.

They stood in silence, Jed staring at the first rose blooms while CJ stood by his side watching him.

Finally, she couldn’t hold back any longer. “Mr. President?”

“Claudia Jean,” he interrupted, then immediately regretted his use of her full name. “CJ.”

“Sir?”

It was then he wished for an emergency that required his immediate attention. Or, that he could staff this out to Leo. Leo, who by the look on his face earlier was suspicious again, and would want to ask questions later. All in all, he didn’t want to do this.

Everything he had been trying to ignore had recently become so obvious; he was cheating on his wife, with his wife’s best friend of all people. And after that announcement, her giving up her licence, the decision had been taken out of his hands. The guilty feelings he had been trying to silence came rushing to the surface, and in a split second Jed had decided he couldn’t hurt Abbey anymore.

It had been so clear at Abbey’s party, yet he had continued to ignore it, feigning work commitments to avoid having to speak to CJ. He loved her, and he suspected she loved him. But, it was over; the door to his private world was closing for good, now all he had to do was tell her.

“We need to talk.”

CJ balled her hands into fists, fighting back the wave of emotion that threatened to engulf her. It was obvious what was coming, and the hollowness of his voice did nothing to disguise it. She didn’t trust her voice to speak, so stayed quiet, biting her bottom lip.

“I love my wife,” he continued, his eyes darting to the lights in the distance and back to the roses. It hung on the tip of his tongue to tell her he loved her too, instead he choked, “And I care about you.”

Seeing the Oval office out of the corner of her eye was too much and CJ turned away, her back to the holy office and to the man she loved.

“I’m not being fair to either of you.” He paused and stole a glance to his side. He found himself looking at her back, her posture straight and strong. “We knew this couldn’t go on forever. It can‘t be easy seeing me with her.” His eyes settled on her hands gripping and ungripping at her sides. “CJ, say something.”

She swallowed and closed her eyes. “I serve at the pleasure of the President,” she offered dryly.

“Damn it,” he shouted then lowered his voice, in the knowledge the agents were never far away. Any minute Ron would appear and ask if everything was alright. “This isn’t easy for me either.”

“Mr. President, I understand,” she said quietly, her voice betraying the slightest quiver. Except she didn’t understand. The Press Secretary in her knew that what they had done had the potential to destroy the administration, the good Catholic girl and friend, knew she was committing a sin and betraying a friend. But the woman in her didn’t understand. All she wanted was to be able to be with the man she loved. The man who had pursued her for fifteen months, even after she said no and walked away.

“You’re a great Press Secretary.” Jed was thankful that she hadn’t looked around, he didn’t need her to see his face and know how confused he was. His resolve was weak at best, and it would only take the slightest move by her to change his mind. “And you’re a good friend, to my whole family.”

CJ scoffed.

“Yeah, that’s sounds pathetic doesn’t it, but it doesn’t make it any less important. I want you here,” Jed acknowledged, hoping she would hear the sincerity in his voice. “The last thing I want you to do is leave because I’ve been a jackass.”

CJ’s shoulders dropped and she turned slightly to look at him.

“I wanted something of my own. A private world, where I was just a normal guy, spending time with a beautiful, energetic, loving woman. Where I didn’t need to worry about Press or nuclear disasters. And for a time I truly believed that was possible.” He sighed. “But it isn’t. And there are other people to think about. My wife made the ultimate sacrifice for me, because of a decision I made. And I realized I couldn’t do this to her anymore.”

A stab of pain shot through CJ as she thought about Abbey, and the guilt she too bore for that.

“And you, this was never fair to you. You deserve someone who can give you everything. And, more importantly, I don’t deserve you,“ his voice trailed off as he couldn’t continue.

“I have work that needs finishing up,” CJ said, her voice barely audible. “If there is nothing else…”

Jed wanted to hold her against him, tell her that he loved her and that he was sorry, but his resolve wasn’t quite that strong. He shook his head.

CJ nodded, subtly. “Thank you, Mr. President.“ She swallowed as she turned and walked away.

At the French doors to Charlie’s office she paused briefly and stole a quick glance over her shoulder.

Jed stood in the same position, his face ragged as his eyes focused on a point in the distance.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the doors and walked inside. Her eyes focused on the carpet, as she gripped her hands tightly. The happy go lucky smile from earlier had disappeared, and her professional facade had been firmly restored. She didn’t notice anyone or anything as she headed back to her office.

Jed waited a few seconds before slipping back into the Oval Office. He leaned against his desk and let out the breath he had been holding. After a few more seconds, Jed pulled himself together and sat back down at the desk.

******

Since that night CJ had been the consummate professional with her tone reflecting how much she still respected him. She was careful never to stay too long, or to look at him for longer than was necessary, and that made things easier for Jed.

Of course the last few weeks had been difficult. He had to watch her, feeling inadequate and being unable to give her the support she needed.

It had been Josh who had taken the death threats seriously. Josh, who had called in the Secret Service, and for that Jed would be eternally grateful. The idea that someone would want to hurt his CJ was unfathomable. Even harder to accept was that the man would stop at nothing to succeed. Of course after Rosslyn, it seemed naive to think this sort of thing couldn’t happen to someone he cared about.

Jed had been signing letters when Ron had come to see him. Ron’s professional demeanor betrayed little of how much Ron really new about India, about those evenings in CJ’s office. Of course he would never divulge the truth, but he knew, and Jed knew he knew. And in some ways that made the news he had to relay that little bit less unnerving.

Ron had stood in front of his desk and explained to Jed about death threats, and his suspicions. It was one man, who wanted to harm CJ and no one else. He had shown Jed photos, and Jed had wanted to touch her face, to outline those areas he had kissed, but he had looked back up at Ron and asked what they were going to do, as simply as if he was asking what was on the menu for dinner.

That was when he had called CJ to the Oval Office. The few minutes interlude giving him time to prepare for seeing her. Her face had briefly shown her surprise at Ron’s presence, but the surprise had disappeared just as quickly.

Jed had watched her enter the room and cross hesitantly towards the desk. She had probably realized in that second how serious the situation had become. The President wouldn’t become involved unless it was grave. He had told her in no uncertain terms that she was getting protection and needed to sign the papers. What he didn’t mention was that she was getting protection, full stop. Even if that meant an executive order or putting her under house arrest.

When CJ had asked “Why?” it had been on the tip of his tongue to tell her it was because he loved her and didn’t want to see her get hurt. Which was definitely not the way to handle it. Instead he had put it down to doing what Ron said. Of course that had launched them into an argument, which if he was to be honest, was the same argument he had had when the detail was first foisted onto him. He could understand why she was hostile and fighting it. The war of words had eventually descended into a war of stares, both concealing their feelings and trying to be defiant.

Jed knew he would win. And, of course CJ knew that it was merely formality. That she would get protection. But they still needed to play the scene out. In the end he had told her straight out that he didn’t care, she was part of his family and that he wouldn’t permit what was happening. He didn’t tell her he loved her, and he didn’t voice his idea about locking her in the residence, but he did let his feelings for her make him angry.

In the brief second before she asked for evidence, Jed had wondered if she was trying to get back at him by being so damned obstinate. Which was stupid as CJ would never resort to something like that, especially under the circumstances. In the end he had nodded at Ron, knowing that the pictures would convince her to sign. And he was right; she looked horrified at how close the man had gotten to her, and her niece. Her fingers had tried to button her jacket, a reflex mechanism to protect herself, but she had failed. Instead she had walked back to him and signed the form.

There was so much left unsaid by the brief look they shared, and the lack of words, even her thank you had seemed hollow to his ears.

The two weeks that had followed had seemed a little strange for everyone. In Helsinki, CJ had been followed everywhere by an agent. The agent had stood at the back of the room in every meeting and outside her door every night. She had done her job but the light hearted, carefree woman had disappeared, she was tense, and wary about being alone with Jed and having to be protected. And when they arrived back, her lead agent was driving her mad. According to Leo, when he had appeared unannounced in his office, CJ was cranky and best avoided. Which is pretty much what Jed had been doing since that night on the portico.

Jed hadn’t understood what her problem was with the guy. Simon Donovan had been on his detail, had even been at Rosslyn and he had found him polite and considerate. Of course he could only imagine that CJ was being less than accommodating. She wasn’t one for holding her tongue when she wasn’t happy.

It was only in light of what happened later, that Jed discovered she was falling for him. That, in itself, sent a wave of emotions through him. He was happy she was moving on with her life, but he was also jealous and confused. Not that she didn’t have any right to live or be happy. He just wished it could have been with him.

Then last night, the stalker had been caught and CJ was finally safe. No sooner had Jed relaxed, then Sam was blabbering on about CJ having a date with her agent. They had apparently shared a kiss and that had torn Jed in two. It had become glaring clear that it really was over between them, whatever it was they had.

But, he had been even more shocked later, when he discovered Simon had been killed. Normally emotionless, Ron had been cut up, and by the look of CJ on the plane, she was devastated. Toby hadn’t left her side the whole flight back and the other spin boys were hovering. For once she hadn’t slapped them about, instead settling into their concern. Jed had wanted to go to her, but Leo had kept him busy, which was probably just as well. His resolve would have easily shattered into a thousand pieces, and there would have been no way back.

CJ hadn’t been far from his thoughts all night. In fact she was never far from his thoughts, he just had to conceal how much he loved her. Which on nights like last night wasn’t so easy.

It always seemed to be that on important nights, things fell apart around him. An Agent dying, Shareef, the vote, and of course meeting Ritchie.

His first impressions of Ritchie, were that he was a jerk, and somewhere along the lines, Jed had gone for arrogant and patronizing. The guy was also stupid, and after his comment about crime, Jed was even more determined to win. And with the team Jed had, the guy didn’t stand a chance.

Then there was the vote, which they had won, and for which he imagined Josh was going to endure severe punishment, which in itself was something to smile about.

The main thing disturbing his sleep was the assassination. He had given the order, despite reservations. And even that had brought his thoughts back to CJ. She had been upset about the military base last year, wanting them to pull out and not renew, but they had anyway. She was, as it turned out, right. Now he had killed a guy that he met only a few hours before, a man who seemed no different than any other man he had ever met. But he was a cold blooded killer, an orchestrator, who left to live, would have killed thousands. Leo had been right and the evidence was overwhelming, but it didn‘t make the decision any easier to live with. Now he was left to wonder if they were about to go to war with Qumar, and of course the vicious cycle of thoughts began again.

He threw the papers to one side and closed his eyes. His thoughts merged as one, assassinations and CJ and Qumar, and the question that now threatened to keep him awake was “What’s next?”

The End

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