CJ opened the door to her apartment and kicked the door closed behind her. It had been a long night, well a long day actually, but that seemed par for the course these days.

She had watched the First Couple disappear up to the residence around eleven, hand in hand, their eyes firmly fixed on each other. And her heart had felt a little wrenched.

It was now one am and the Toby had bundled her home in a taxi, which was probably a good thing considering the headache and the start of a hangover that was raging inside her skull. The senior staff had all done their job, made sure the guests were enjoying themselves, before heading home themselves.

Opening the kitchen cabinet, CJ grabbed a glass and turned on the tap. Water in hand, she rummaged in her purse and located the Advil. As she flopped on the couch, she hit the remote control and CNN flickered across the screen.

There was no point going to bed. She didn’t sleep anymore. Instead she lay there, tossing and turning beneath the pale blue comforter, arguing the morals of her actions and coming to the same conclusions. For the last few nights CJ had taken to the couch, the TV on as a distraction as her conscience continued to plague her.

CJ took comfort in the fact that when she thought about that night in India she smiled and somehow the day didn't seem so bad. India was burnt into her brain. His hands stroking her smooth skin, his lips nipping and sucking their way across her breasts, and his facial expression as he’d made love to her. What she’d felt was love and it was special.

But now it’ was just a memory. And she’s another good Catholic girl gone bad. And Jed, in her mind she uses his first name since it’s so much easier than admitting she slept with the President, is just another wrong guy. Which pretty much sums up her life, as series of wrong guys, or right guys at the wrong time.

One night of being with him has left her wanting more. And however wrong it is, however much she tells herself it should never have happened, must never happen again, it doesn’t diminish her feelings. Nor does it change the fact she wants him, in bed, out of bed and in any way she can have him. And that is what feeds her insomnia.

It was only alone in bed at night she considered what she had done. The adultery, the
betrayal of her friend, the possibility of scandal, all weighed on her mind. But, it was her betrayal of Abbey, which cut the most.

Tonight, her memories are been tangled with her thoughts of Abbey and the party.

The first thing CJ remembers is how good Jed looked in his tux. She has seen him hundreds of times, dressed for dinners and parties but tonight there was something different about him. Maybe the fact she had explored every inch of his body, and could now map with her eyes the cut of his tuxedo.

The second thing is that it was Abbey’s Birthday.

CJ had taken comfort in the fact she looked good. The silver dress accentuated her back and hid her lack of cleavage. The spin boys had commented on the fact she looked foxy, which surprisingly didn't offend her in the least. Leo, she knew wouldn't pass comment, he never had and never would. His eyes merely followed her. As for the President, of course she liked to think he had noticed her but it was hardly the occasion for that. The party was in honor of her best friend and CJ was coveting her husband.

With the knowledge of what she had done, CJ could hardly bear to look Abbey in the eye, but she still wanted their friendship. It was selfish, unfair, and a little strange to want them to continue in the same vein, but all the same they had been friends since the campaign started and that was too much to allow to slip away.

The hardest thing about the whole evening had been the hearings, which loomed over them, large and beyond their control.

CJ's suggestion that Leo talk to Abbey hadn’t come as a surprise, for which she had been grateful. The idea of fighting over who had to do it was the last thing she wanted especially as Leo would become suspicious and Leo was nothing if not thorough.

And she didn't really want to see Abbey's reaction, to witness the hurt and tears. It would only serve as a reminder that another woman making love to the President would hurt her more. And of course there had been an afternoon in CJ’s office the year before, when both women had ended up in tears. Then it had been the President’s confession. Now it was Abbey’s turn to suffer.

She hadn’t wanted to think about how the hearings were affecting Abbey.

Avoiding the party and the President hadn’t worked. Professionally, she had never expected it would, just merely hoped for a stay, to not have to face the situation until her happy face was in tact.

Seeing Jed’s anger at the news of the recusal and hearing his concern for Abbey had affected her on so many levels. Reality had hit her in the face in a brief second and it had taken all her strength not to walk away, to maintain her professional facade. Then he had dumped it in her lap, forcing her to tell Abbey, maybe because he couldn‘t face seeing Abbey crumple either.

CJ had been tentative when she approached Abbey to tell her. As they had traded compliments, things had seemed normal, like they had always been, and there had been a fraction of comfort in that. But the look on Abbey’s face when she told her about Nolan, the shock and disappointment, tears welling in her eyes, had almost broken CJ. The instinct was to hug her, there and then, in the middle of the party, but even Abbey wouldn’t have allowed that.

And then there had come the invitation to get drunk. They had done it before, so many nights and so many bottles of wine, girl talk which always ended with CJ staying in the guest room of wherever they happened to be. But things were different now. CJ was nervous about being alone with her, getting drunk and saying too much, and then there was always the ever present guilt.

It had been hard, sitting with the others and hearing Abbey criticizing Jed, calling him a jackass. It was awkward for CJ because she loved him too. A part of the jackass belonged to her now.

Of course it had also been fun, hanging out with the girls, chatting, and drinking, until that moment when the hearings once more raised their ugly head. Then the wine had gotten the better of her and she had let her words run away with her.

CJ had meant it when she said she respected both Abbey and the First Lady. She really did, it was just respect had been ignored when she was wrapped around Jed. Of course the rant had been a little too close to the truth, taking her job away would leave her with nothing. If it got out about the President’s infidelity, she would lose her job and the man she loved would still be married to someone else. But that didn’t make it any fairer, that a group of anonymous people were going to rob Abbey of something she loved. Not that CJ had the right to rob her either.

Later she had stood side by side with Abbey, enjoying a moment of silliness. Her headache had been fierce but the look on Donna’s face at the gesture and Abbey’s obvious forgiveness had made her smile. Of course the chances of Abbey forgiving CJ were fairly slim.

CJ had watched as Jed led Abbey away. She watched, transfixed as they shared a moment. By the look on both their faces, the obvious raw emotion, it wasn’t good. That was when it became apparent she was on the outside.

It wasn’t easy watching them, not knowing what was going on, seeing her best friend suffering and her lover bouncing back and forth between two women. CJ also knew if Jed was cheating on Abbey with someone else, the Press Secretary and Abbey’s friend would be the one to intervene. No irony lost there.

CJ caught his eyes, the all too brief look he gave her as he prepared for the toast and she realized that it wasn’t easy for him either. That he truly loved them both.

Even as he gave his toast, his attention fixed solely on Abbey, CJ knew in her heart she couldn’t just walk away now, denial was long since passed.

Now, as she lay on her couch, watching the coverage of the party, she knew, she didn’t have anything, not a husband, not a child, not even a cat. But she’d had him once, all too briefly held him in her arms. Now, even though she spent her nights alone, he was her one thing that was real. She wouldn’t let him go that easily.

The End

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