showmethemeaningofbeinglonelyff

It was 11 a.m. when I open my eyes. I looked around. The room I was in,
was a hotel room. Kian came in the door and said:
   "Hey girl. Good you op! Well almost."
   "Ha ha ha very funny" I said sleepy.
   "Yes, I'm really funny! Well, Mark said I go get you, and tell you: Get
dressed, we are going out in 10 minutes." Kian said
   "WHAT????????????? Ok, I'll make it. Where is Mark?" I asked as I got
out of bed and went out in the bathroom, with my dress in my hand.
   "He is outside together with some fans. So he sent me you get you. I
could get away from the fans."
   "Ok Kian, I'll be right out." I yelled from the bathroom.
   "Hey Mixi!"
   "Yeah, Kian?"
   "Is there something? You know! With you and Mar........?"
   "Kian!!! You know what I'm going to say! No, Mark and I are just mates.
He is my best mate but nothing more. Get it?"
   "Got it."
   "Good! And I'm ready to go...................................now!" I
came out of the bathroom, I my little blue summer dress.
   "Your are the only girl I know, how can get ready in 5 minutes or so,
and still look that good!" Kian came over to me and gave me a kiss on
the cheek. "And I LOVE that dress"
   "Thanks Kian! Well lets go!" We got out of the hotel, and right there
Mark was with some girls around him.
   "Lads, the bus is here." Shane said, and we all got in to the bus. The
lads was on the way to make a video, they had to be there at 12 p.m.
   I was always together with the lads. Mark and I had be best mates sins
I was 3 and he was 6 or 7. He was always been like a big brother to me,
but everybody said we where girlfriend and boyfriend, but we have never
been. He had really been like a brother to me, after
my big brother, Matt, died when I was 11. Now I'm 16 years old, I only
see my mom and dad when Westlife is in Ireland, and I almost live
together with Mark and have ever sins my big brother died. What so my
mom and dad say? Well, not much. They think I should do what I want to
do, �cuz I died (if you can say it like that) when Matt died. Mark
helped me to live again, and I just started to "live" again after
Westlife started, and I got out of Ireland. I haven't
told any one this, but I love Mark with all my heart, the way a girl
loves her friend, the way a sis loves her brother, and the way a girl
loves her boyfriend. But what does he think? He always says: "We are
one! When you go away from me, there is something of me there goes with
you, but when you come back to me, that thing comes back to." What does
that mean??????? I have to talk to someone about this.

When they where done filming that day, we took home to the hotel. Mark
was lying in he's bed, and I was lying beside him. He was REALLY tired,
I wasn't that tired.
   "Mixi?" Mark was lying with closed eyes
   "Yes Mark? Man you look tires." I looked at him
   "I am. I have something I'll like to tell you, but I don't know how to
tell you. The lads have tolled me that I should tell you it, but I can."
   "Mark! I have know you all my life if you don't tell me, I'll find out,
you know I'll will."
   "Yes, I know, but I don't want to tell you." Mark said, looking at me
with he's puppy dog eyes. I closed my eyes and said: "Mark tell me!!!!
And I won't open my eyes till you stop looking at my with you puppy dog
eyes."
   "Ok, I'll tell you, and you can open your eyes again, but PLEASE don't
get mad at me, ok?" Mark told me.
   "I'll try not to get mad at you, and you know I can't stay mad at you
more than a day or 2." I said as I open my eyes.
   "Ok, here it goes. The other lads thinks that you should go home to you
mom and dad, and stop touring with os. A 16 year old girl shouldn't tour
around like this, she should be home with her mom and dad, got to a real
school, hang out with her friends, get in trouble and
date."
   "Mark!!!" I got up from the bed. "Mark, I can't go home and live like I
did before Matt died. I just started to "live" again. You know that!!" I
looked out the window. "I don't want to live with mom and dad, I don't
want to go to school, I like the way school is on tour. I don't have
friend, I lost them when Matt died, I get in enough trouble togther with
you and they
others, and I don't want to date. The only guy I want to date and love
is you, ok I love my dad and the other guys form Westlife." Mark walked
over to me put his arms around me. I lay my head on his shoulder. "And
what about you? You always say: We are one! When you go away from me,
there is something of me there goes with you, but when you come back to
me, that thing comes back to. Yes, we are one, I'll only be half a
person when I'm gone, and so will you. You're my best friends." I
started to cry now. Mark hold me close and said: "I know, I know, I'll
tell the lads this and we will see if you can stay." Mark hold around me
all night.
   When Bryan came in the next morning, Mark told him that he had to tell
him and the rest of the lads about something. When Bryan left, Mark gave
my a kiss on the cheek and got out of bed to get dressed. I lied in bed
for some minutes, but then I got out and got dressed too.

It was a busy day for the guys. They where working and working on the
video, but it was on it's way to be done. Around 8 p.m. the video was
done. They guys and I was going out for dinner so we could find out what
to do about me.
   "Boys!" I started, but Mark stoped me, �cus he wanted to say this.
   "Lads! You guys said that you think that Michala shouldn't tour around
with os any more, but Michala and I think that she should, right Mixi?"
Mark asked. I just nodded.
   "Do You guys remember how she were when Westlife started to take of,
and tour around the world?" Mark went on.
   "Yes." Bryan said to me and continued: "You where always sad, you
didn't say much. You have change SO much."
   "What are you trying to say?" Nicky asked.
   "We are trying to make you see that Michala should stay on tour with
us." Mark explained.
   "Mark, I thought we went through this." Shane said.
   "No, we talked about it, but we only found out that I should talk with
Michala about it, and I did and she don't want to go." Mark pointed out.
   "Michala, don't you see that a 16 year old girl shouldn't tour around
like this, she should be home with her mom and dad, got to a real
school, hang out with her friends, get in trouble and date." Nicky tried
to convince us.
   "Michala tell them what you told me last night!" Mark said.
   "Mark don't you get it? They don't what me to hang around any more.
They have had me hanging around the last 3 years or so, and they are
getting tired of me, don't you see that?" I got up and ran out of the
restaurant, with tears running down my cheeks
   "Michala! Come back!" Bryan yelled, but I just kept running, I got a
cape and told the driver to drive me to the hotel. It was first later
Mark told me what had happen after I left:
   "What did she tell you last night?" Shane asked Mark.
   "Well she just said that......." Mark told them what I had told him.
   "She really said that?" Nicky asked. Mark nodded.
   "I had no idea that she still felt that way." Bryan said.
   "I don't think any of us did."
   "Well, if you didn't Mark, non of us did." Nicky said. They all left
the restaurant

   Back at the hotel.
   "Michala, can we come in?" Kian asked when he knocked on the door to me
and Mark's room.
   "Who's stopping you?" I asked, lying on my bed. The 5 guys came in.
   "Michala, the reason we wanted you to go home, was....." Shane started,
but Kian tolk over: "We thought you were over the whole Matt thing."
   "I don't believe this!" I said. "You guys really thought I was over the
death of not only my brother, but also my best friend? Maybe I should be
it has been 5 years, but I'm not, and........... I can't stay here!"
   "Michala!" Bryan said
   "Don't even bother." I stoped Bryan.. "I have already packed, and I
have talked
to my mom, and when you guys are going to.........where ever you are
going tomorrow, I'm going home."
   "Michala! You can't do that!" Mark yelled. "I can't tour with out you.
I can't be on the stage and know that you are not there when I get of
stage. As you said: I'll only be a half person."
   "You should have thought about that before." I said.
   "Do something!" Mark said to the others.
   "Mixi!" Shane said
   "What did you call me?" I asked
   "Mixi."
   "You have never called me that before."
   "I know, but Mixi you gotta believe that we don't want you to go. We
just want you to be happy."
   "I'm happy here, but I don't want to be together with people who are
tried of me."
   "We're not tried of you. We just want you to be happy. If you're happy
here then stay here, and PLEASE do. I love you, I don't want to be away
from you." Mark said and came over, gave me a kiss and repeated, but now
in a whisper while he had he's arms around
me: "I love you."
   "Ok, I'll stay!" I said in a whisper while I was crying, and I gave
Mark a kiss.

Some days later.

   We where sitting in the lads dressing room b4 a concert, when Shane's
mobilphone rang.
   "Mixi! Would you mind taking that?" Shane asked.
   "Ok. Hi! Shane's mobil, Michala speaking!" I said when I took the
phone.
   "WOW! She knows how to do that!" Bryan said.
   "Yeah! That's because she often takes my phone, well I think it is
starting to be her phone to." Mark said sending me a smile
   "One sek. I'll ask them." I said to the guy in the phone and looked at
the guys: "It is this guy from MTV, who is asking if you would mind if
to fans wins a contest and the pries is spending a weekend with you
guys? If you want to know what day it is, it is that day you are giving
a concert in Dublin."
   "It's ok with me. What do you guys say?" Kian asked. The rest agreed
with Kian, I
told the guy from MTV what whey said and that was that.

A week later.

   Mark and I was sitting on my hotel bed watching MTV select.
   "Now we are going to find out how won the day with Westlife" Trey said.
   "Guys! They are going to find out, who is going to spent a day with
us." Mark yelled and the guys stopped talking a looked at the TV.
   "The questions was." Trey said. "What foodball team did Nicky play for
b4 Westlife started. Here I have a letter from Sarah, and she thinks she
knows the answer. Sarah are
you there?"
   "Yes Trey! I'm here" You could hear that Sara had a grin from ear to
ear.
   "Good! Sarah, you have here in you letter writing that the answer is
the English teams, Leeds. Do you still think that is the answer?"
   "Yes, I do!" Sarah said happily.
   "That is good �cus that is right! You're going to meet Westlife. Well,
MTV will talk you later. So, are you happy?" Trey said stupidly.
   "Yes, I am!!!!!! Thanks you SOOOOOOO much!" Sarah yelled.
   "You are welcome! So who are you going to spend that day with, besides
Westlife?
   "My best friend Melody."
   "Well. I hope you'll have a great day."
   "Thanks Trey. I'm pretty sure that I will have a great day."
   "That great. Well, we're going to show Westlife's new video. Is there
anyone you'll like to say hi to?"
   "Yes! All my friends, Mtv, you and of course Westlife."
   "Ok. Have a great day."
   "You too Trey. Bye."
   "Bye."
   Well now we knew who it was, now we just had to find out if they where
nice, and we would first know that when they came.

I was sitting in the airport in Dublin waiting for Sarah and Melody. I
looked op at the screen, and found out that Sarah's and Melody's plan
had just arrived. I had too wait half an hour b4 they came out to me.
   "Hey Girls! I'm Michala Tondering, I'm going to take you to Sligo,
where you are going to stay this weekend."
   "Ok! GREAT!! Where are we staying?" Sarah asked.
   "Shane as a flat, were you can stay. Shane is staying at Kian's place.
Chris! Come here. Girls, this is Chris, he is going to make sure that
you don't do anything your not allowed to do."
   "Miss. Tondering? Where are Nicky and Bryan staying? We are going to
meet them to, right?" Melody asked.
   "1. Please call me Michala. 2. Bryan is staying at Kian's and Nicky at
Mark's." I explained. "Well let's go!"

   We had been driving thought Sligo, and had just stoped outside Shane's
flat.
   "When are the concert?" Sarah asked.
   "To night. Well here we are." I answered, oping the door into the flat.
   "Lads! We are back!" I yelled when we got inside the house. The lads
came and said hello, and Mark came over and put his arms around me.
   "I just need to know. Are you to boyfriend and girlfriend or not?"
Sarah asked us.
   "Or not." I said with a little Smiled. People often asked us that. I
looked at my watch. "Oh, I gotta go. Nicky, will you drive me?"
   "Yeah." Nicky said.
   "What is going on Mixi?" Mark asked. "You and Nicky have been a lot
together this last days. What is up? Are there something going on with
you 2?"
   "NO!!! I'll tell you guys what's up tonight after the concert." I said
and left with Nicky.

Later after the concert.

   "Ok, Mixi! Now you have to tell os." Bryan said.
   "Ok! Nicky would you please help me. I don't know if I can do this
along" I begged Nicky with a small voice. "Sorry, Sarah and Melody, but
I have to tell them this now. Where Nicky and I have been doing is
seeing a doctor. The doctor have found out that I have cancer."
   "What???????" Kian yelled.
   "Where?" Bryan asked.
   "How long time have Nicky known?" Shane asked.
   "Kian. I have cancer. Bryan, in my uterus, and Shane, Nicky have known
it since I went to the doctor for the first time about this. I'm going
to the hospital tomorrow."
   "I'm so sorry. Are you going to be ok?" Melody asked.
   "Thanks Melody. But I don't know, the doctor are going to remove it,
and then we just have to see what happens." I said. " Mark! You haven't
said anything." Mark still didn't say anything.
   "Mark, PLEASE say something. This is hard enough, you don't have to do
this to me" I said and tear started rolling down.
   "What do you want me to say?" Mark said with a cold voice.
   "Mark! PLEASE don't do that. That kind of s... is the last thing I need
right now." I started to get a bit mad, but you couldn't see it, �cuz I
the tears come more and more often.
   "Mark, This is not fair. She's sick, and afraid and all she wants is,
that her best friend to take her in he's arms and...." Nicky said, but
Mark interrupted: "And say everything is going to be ok? Nicky I can't
do that, �cuz I don't know if every thing is going to be ok."
   "Mark, just say you love her, and you'll always be there for her, �cuz
you will that right?" Kian had put his arms around me and let me cry
out.
   "Your right. Would you guy mind leaving us alone?" Mark asked.
   "No! Come on girls, let's go home." Shane said and put his arm around
Melody, and Bryan didn't want Sarah to fell left out, so he put he's arm
around her.
   "Sarah, Melody." Mark said.
   "Yes?" They turned around and looked at Mark.
   "Sorry about all this."
   "Don't think about it, Mark." Melody said.
   "Thanks." Mark said, and everybody left except me and him.
   "Girl I'm sorry! I just love you so much, and when you said you have
cancer, I just didn't know what to do. What if you die of it?"
   "I don't know Mark, but I love you too." Mark kissed me on the
forehead, whispered: "I love you, and I'll always be there for you."
and carried me out to the car. When we got home to Mark's house, we sat
in he's sofa, and didn't do anything but talk.

When I open my eyes the next morning, I were still lying in the sofa.
   "Hey Mixi! How are you?" Mark asked as he came in with my break feast.
   "As can be expected. Thanks!" I said when Mark gave me my break feast.
   "I'll drive you to the hospital in an hour. The others and Sarah and
Melody is going to meet us there in 2 hours." Mark told me.
   "So, and hour b4.....well you know what."
   "Yeah. Well eat, then pack and then we will be on our way."
   "You seem a lot more happy to day than yesterday."
   "Well I have be thinking and I have realized something."
   "What Mark?
   "I'll tell you later."

3 hours later.

   "You guys have to leave now. I have to get Michala ready." A nurse
said.
   "Ok. Bye Mixi, see ya." Bryan said.
   "Mark. I'm afraid." I said.
   "I know, so am I. I'll be right beside you when you wake up." Mark said
and they all left.

Later.

   When I woke up Mark was sitting beside me and he said: "Mixi, don't say
anything. The doctor said it went well, but you..."
   "But I can't get children, I know." I whispered to him. A doctor came
in and said: "Well, little miss. Tondering. How are you feeling?"
   "Like s.....I mean....really bad." I told him.
   "Well, you better get some sleep, and I'll come talk to you later" He
said and left.
   "I have to go now." Mark said. "We're having a concert to night and
there is something I have to do b4 the concert, but I'll be back."
   "Ok. But first tell me what you realized this morning." I said to
him.
   "Ok! I love you, that what I realized!"
   "Mark, I know............"
   "Not the way you know, I love you." Mark interrupted me
   "Oh. How long have you felt like that?" I asked.
   "I don't know! I think I have for a long time." Mark replied.
   "There is one good thing about it." I said
   "What?"
   "I feel the same way." I have never see Mark so happy as he did when I
said that.
   "Is this for real?" He asked.
   "Yes." Mark gave me a kiss on the mouth, and I went back to sleep.
   When I opened my eyes again a bit later Mark had left, but my mom and
dad were there.
   "Hey mom! Hey dad!" I said.
   "Hey hun. How are you feeling?" My mom asked.
   "Bad, but better." I told her, and I told my them about what had
happened when Mark was here.
   "I know this was going to happen." My dad said.
   "You did? Did you mom?"
   "Yes! I have known since I saw you and Mark told each other that you
always would be best friend."
   "What??? I was like 10 years old or something like that."
   "I'm a mom!" My mom said as the doctor came in.
   "What's up Doc?" I said, with a smile.
   "Hey! It seems like little miss Tondering is feeling better." The doc
said.
   "Yes, I am, but I still feel bad."
   "Everything went as I hoped, and you will probably be fine in 2-3
weeks" The doctor told me.
   "That is good. When can I get home?" I asked the doctor and he said:
"In 1-2 weeks time, if everything goes well. We have to remember that
it's cancer we're talking about. You just what you to take it easy and
stay in the country the next 2 to 3 months so we can keep a eye on you."
   "Ok." I said sadly, I just found out that my feelings for Mark was
returned, and I couldn't be together with him.
   "Mom? Dad? Is it ok, I stay at your house, �cuz Westlife is going tour
again tomorrow?" I asked them.
   "Of course you can! You don't have to ask." My mom and dad said.
   "You guy have to leave now." The doctor said.
   "Ok! Here is your diskman, and 3 of your CD's." My mom said and gave me
all of it.
   "That's mom. You're the best." I said and the doctor, mom and dad left.
I put a CD in the diskman and closed my eyes.

The next day Westlife went on tour, for the first time with out me.
They would be home 3 month later. Sarah and Melody left also Ireland
that day, they where just going home.
Sarah, Melody, the guys and me and a heard time say good bye, they got
to be good friend.

A month later

   I was working by Matt's room and I thought: "I have be here a month
now. It is time I saw what is behind that door. I haven't been in Matt's
room since I when on tour with the lads." So I did. In the room
everything was the same, as b4 Matt died. I looked at he's CDs, books,
pictures and everything. I looked at he's desk, there was lying 2 books,
one was he's favourite book (Matt read a lot), the other I had never
seen b4. I went over to the desk and looked in the book. I read the
first line allowed to my self: "My life. By Matt Tondering." It was he's
diary. I lay down on Matt's bed and read in the book. I had only read 2
pages when I started to cry. I had read half of the book when my mom
came in.
   "Everything's the same in here." I said
   "We didn't want to change it. If we did you would probably kill us." I
smiled and nodded at the same time.
   "What are you read?"
   "Matt's diary." I told her as the phone rang and my dad took it.
   "Michala! It's Mark." My dad yelled.
   "I'll take it up here." I yelled back as I took Matt's phone. "Hey
Mark!"
   "Hey Michala. How are you?"
   "I'm fine Mark. How are you? How's the others? How is the concerts
going? Tell me! Tell me."
   "Take it easy, Mixi!" Mark said. "Everything is going fine." We talked
of about an hour.
   "Mom? I'm going to bike down to the beach, ok?" I told her right after
I had hug up and I came down the stairs.
   "Ok Hun." She said. I grabbed my walkman and ran out to my bike, and
biked down to the beach.
   When I came down there, I lay down in the sand, listened to some music
and read in Matt's diary. I was just done reading with the diary, when
"Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely" by Backstreet Boys started to play
in my walkman. I got up and walked along the water singing along to the
song:

"Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely,
Is this the feeling I need to walk with,
Tell me why I can't be there where you are,
there's something missing in my heart."

   I looked around and I saw a face I knew. It
was...............MATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
   "Matt" It can't be true. You're died." I yelled
   "Yes, but I live in you heart." Matt said.
   "Matt! Why did it happen? Why did you die?" I ask starting to cry.
   "I don't know! I guess that's life." Matt said.
   "Matt. I love you soooooo much." I didn't touch him, I was afraid that
if I did he would disappear.
   "I know! I love you too. That's why you are talking to me now."
   "Why didn't you come b4 now?"
   "I couldn't. You had over come your fear of being at home and in my
room, and being at our beach. You also had to let the past be the past.
You did that by reading my diary. By the way, I'm glad that you and Mark
finally found out that you felt the same way."
   "How did you know about me and Mark?"
   "I know everything about you."
   "Everything? If that good?"
   "You have always been afraid for making me mad at you, but yes it's
good." We both smiled. "I have to go know!"
   "NO!!!!!!!! Stay!!!!!" I yelled.
   "Bye sis. See ya" Matt said disappearing.
   "MATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled. The next thing I knew was lying in my
bed, and my mom was beside me.
   "Mom? What happened?" I asked.
   "I don't know. You had been gone for a long time, so your dad went down
too see if you where ok. He found you sleeping and couldn't wake you, so
he got you in the car and drew you home and put you in bed. Then 3 hours
later this happened."
   "Mom! Something weird happened. I meet Matt."
   "What?"
   I nodded and continued "And he said "see ya" to me."
   "You just had a dream." My dad said as he came into the room.
   "No! It was real." I said.
   "I don't know what it was. Well, I think that you will meet him again."
   "When Mam?" I asked
   "When you die. Now come down and get something to eat." Mom said.
   "Mom. That wasn't what he meant." I said
   "Well, you just have to wait and see, wouldn't you?" Mom said as we
were walking down stairs.

That was it for now, but you probably want to know what happened with
Westlife and me. Well, you will:

Westlife: They are taking the year of, but they will be back with a new
CD next year.

Kian: He is made a solo-cd this year, and it is already out. Not any
luck in love yet, but he says that he wouldn't have time for a
girlfriend anyway.

Bryan: Married and have 2 children together Kerry.

Nicky: He married he's long-time-girlfriend, Georgina. I know they
first wanted to get married when Nicky was done with Westlife, but they
didn't want to wait anymore. Now they have a very sweet and cute son.

Shane: He's just started dating a girl he meet. Michelle from New York,
but it's nothing big yet.

Mark: Well, I'm still he's girlfriend, and he and the other lads are
soon starting on there new cd.

Me: Well I meet Matt again. I think I'm going mad, but I'm not. A year
ago, I almost died of cancer. That week the doc�s said I would probably
die in, Matt came to me and said:
   "What do you want? Die and be with me, or live and be with mom, dad,
Mark and all your friends?"
   "I want to be with you, but you are only one person, and the others a
lot os people." I told Matt.
   "So you want to live." Matt asked.
   "Yes!" I said.
   "So that you will!" Matt said and I woke up. From that day on, I got
better and better. Now I'm fine. I have a happy family, great friends
and a wonderful boyfriend. If you asked me if I was truly happy I
wouldn't say no, but I wouldn't say yes. I would say: "I'm as happy as I
can be."