Bloodsucking Freaks
Bloodsucking Freaks

 


By Joe Bob Briggs - Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas            2/18/83

I've been wondering about one of the mysteries of modern civilization, and I'd 
like to share it with you this week because, what the hey, we could use a little
intellectual material on this page and, besides, it's bugging the royal bejabbers 
out of me. 

What I'm talking about is the ultimate riddle: Why do the people on "Family Feud" 
always play instead of pass? 

I know this bothers you as much as it does me. Because, let's face it, we've all 
been there. Richard Dawson comes out and does a bad joke. Then two wimps (or 
wimpettes) walk up to that table in the middle and say, "Hi, Richard, I'm from 
Saginaw, Michigan, and I don't know a shin from Shinola, but I bounce on my toes
like this because I've been a nerd ever since the third grad, and this is my 
moon-faced family, and they have a collective IQ of 37."

OK, then the game starts, and Richard tries to focus on the big board, and he 
says, "Name something that a dog does in the street." And one of the wimps slaps
that buzzer and says, "Hitch-hikes." 

Richard looks up at the big board and he screams "Hitch-hikes!" 

And the bell rings and "Hitch-hikes" shows up there as No.4. 

Then the other wimp says, "Rubs his leg up against mailboxes." 

Richard looks up at the big board and screams, "Rubs mailboxes!" 

And the bell rings and "Rubs objects" shows up as No. 5.

OK, so wimp No. 4, the Nerd Family from Saginaw, Michigan, now has a choice. They
can play. If they play they have to get six more right answers to win, including 
the last one on the list, which got two votes from the studio audience. Or they 
can pass. If they pass, then the other turkeys have to get six answers, and if 
the others miss three times, even if they get five of them right, then the Nerd 
Family only has to get one answer to win the game. Besides that, they get to 
discus it before they answer.

There's only about $10,000 at stake, so what do they do? They play. Every time 
they play. And what happens when they play? They get all but one or two answers, 
and then they miss three times, and then the other family gets one answer and 
wins all the money.

Have any of you turkeys ever seen, even one time, somebody say, "Dawson, I've 
watched this game on TV and I want those other jerks to go first?" Has this ever 
happened in the entire history of "Family Feud?"

Nosuree, Joe Bob. And why hasn't it happened? I can only think of one reason.

Game's rigged. The only families they put on that show are dropouts from the 
Industrial Trades Institute. We're talking Rock City U.S.A.

That's why I'm not joining the "Family Feud" team that Lute Fenwick is getting 
together over in Cleburne. I stopped by Le Bodine last week, talked to Thedadean 
Griffin the shampoo lady, and she told me that Vida Stegall was back with Lute 
abecause he told her she could be on the team. Theadadean said he wanted me to 
join up, too, but I told Thedadean that the only way I'd be in a "family" with 
Lute Fenwick would be if he married my ... Well, actually I can't tell you what I
told Thedadean. But anyway, I don't care for small-screen video bullstuff anyway.  
Drive-ins are my life.

I got so bored going through my mail from Temple that I decided to go out to the 
VFW Lodge Hall and play some horseshoes, but on the way out there I passed by the
Gemini and couldn't resist this golden oldie called "Bloodsucking Freaks" I know,
I know, it's a revival. It's "the Incredible Torture Show" being brought out 
again. We all saw it in '76 at the Highway 67 when it was called, "The House of 
the Screaming Virgins," but no sweat, because true art lasts forever.

I got all nostalgic seeing it again. We're talking women in cages, we're talking 
torture, we're talking bodily mutilations, we're talking large breast quantities,
large breast qualities and large breasts, we're talking midget rape, we're talking
bondage, we're talking mad doctors, we're talking no-stop death. This is the kind 
of picture that really makes you miss the '70s.

It starts out with this stage-show at the Theatre of the Macabre, where Master
Sardu amuses his audience by having a midget named Ralphus take this woman's 
blouse off, strap her to a chair, and tighten an iron tourniquet around her head 
until blood drips down her face. Then he sticks this nekkid girl's hand in a vise
and hacks it off. Then the midge rips her eye out and eats it. Pretty routine 
stuff. But after the show's over, the wimp critic from the New York Times refuses
to review the show. Sardu is a little p.o.ed.

So Sardu, the mc.c played by the late great Seamus O'Brien, who has a voice like 
Vincent Price, tells Ralphus the Midget to kidnap the Times critic, which he does
by shooting him with a blow dart at an art gallery opening after this bimbo pops
open a raincoast and flashers her groceries. While he's waiting for Ralphus to
bag the critic and bring him  home, Sardu asks these two leather bunnies to paste
him across the backside with a bullwhip. Every once in a while he sends Ralphus 
down into a dungeon to feed some raw meat to these moaning nekkid porkchops in a 
cage. He's just keeping them there until he can send his next shipment to the 
Middle East. The Arabs pay big bucks for Off-Off-Broadway actress meat.

OK, back to the main action. Sardu tells Ralphus to electrocute this bimbo by 
pouring 500 volts through her breasts. This is so the Times critic will be 
impressed. It doesn't work, so Sardu decided to have another show, but first he 
tells Ralphus to go blow-dart this blond ballerina named Natasha so he can have 
some choreography. He wants to brainwash her so she can kick the critic's brains 
out in his next show. Ralphus hides out in her locker in Lincoln Center, knocks 
out her lights, drags her back to the theater, puts chains around her neck, hangs
her up by her wrists, and starts playing the cymbals until she agrees to dance on
opening night. They almost over do it, though, and they have call the doctor so
she won't die. When he gets finished, Sardu says, "How much do I owe you?" and 
the doctor says, "How 'bout letting me take it out in trade?"

"Another operation?" says Sardu.

Doc goes tot work. First he straps a bimbo in a chair and bulls out all her teeth
"so you won't bite." Then he decides to do "a little elective neurosurgery" -- 
powerdrill through the head while he's humming "Marriage of Figaro." Once he gets
in there pretty deep, he wiggles it around, sticks in a straw and...well, you get
the title now. Sardu gets grossed out, though, so he tells Ralphus to feed the 
doctor to the nekkid women in the dungeon. Pretty amazing scene, espeically when 
they rip out his heart and rub it over their flesh. Sardu and Ralphus stay 
upstairs playing darts on a slave girl's backside.

There are just too many highlights to go into. The rest of the flick includes: A 
blonde who gets stretched on the rack, a guillotine demonstration where a girls 
has to hold the rope in her mouth and if she opens it the blade falls. Ralphus 
making love to a head. Sardu and Ralphus using human fingers as backgammon chips,
another ballerina that gets her feet cut off by Ralphus, and a copy who goes down
to Off-Off Broadway to investigate the ballerina's disappearance but gets fed to 
the starving nekkid women, and a pretty good fried-eyeball scene.

There's also some sick stuff that I can't mention in the newspaper.

We're talking Top Ten list. We're talking Best Re-release of 1983. We're talking 
Best Director nomination for Joel Reed. We're also talking all-time exposure
champion: 76 breasts.

Heads roll (four times). Hands roll. Fingers roll. Feet roll. Excellent midget 
sadism and dubbed moaning.

Three and a half stars.  
Joe Bob says check it out.
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1