The Night
Indigo
***
I love the night. It's so different from the daytime. During the daytime, we're not allowed to stand next to each other. During the daytime, we're constantly surrounded by press, fans, management, the other bandmembers; it just gets a little crazy sometimes. During the daytime, I'm forced to pretend he's JC, just JC, my bandmate, and not JC, my heart.
But the night is so unlike that. When nighttime comes, all we have to do is be with each other. Just us, if we want to. I don't really need to go out at night if JC doesn't feel like it. Contrary to what people think, he doesn't really sleep early, it's just that he doesn't LIKE going out at night. I think it has something to do with the fact that it's the only time we have together. And he'd rather not spend it straining to hear each other over the loud noise of a club.
2:52 am. JC's asleep. I'm watching his chest rise and fall. He's getting too skinny; I worry about that. He does eat, though I suspect it's just to please me. But he burns it all off in the span of five minutes, and he's just getting too skinny, and it's worrying me because I don't want him to get sick. I've heard that skinny people are more vulnerable to illness. I wonder if that's true.
I wonder what JC's dreaming about. It would be too corny to think that he's dreaming of me. I do dream of him sometimes, but just sometimes. Maybe I dream of him all the time, but usually I can't remember. Anyway. He looks so...pretty with his eyes closed. Well he looks pretty with them open too, but usually when he's awake his facial expression changes every few seconds, and it doesn't give me the chance to really appreciate his prettiness. But right now, he looks like he's carved out of marble. Or made out of porcelain, or something. He's just too...beautiful, it hurts my eyes, it hurts my heart because thinking about him and how he loves me back makes me cry. Does that make sense? I can't explain it. You know how ice--dry ice--is so cold that it burns your hand when you touch it? It's like that. I love JC so much, and he makes me so happy that it makes me cry. Like I'm sad or something. I don't know.
He doesn't move when he sleeps, he just lies flat on his back with his hands folded over his chest, like he's dead or something. That sends a shudder through me, but then I just kiss his forehead and it's warm...soft. He smells like the rain. He smells like freshly cut grass, and sunshine, and cyprus. He has a little bit of me in him, too, I guess because we're together so much. I love that.
3:30 am. I don't feel like sleeping. We have to get up at 7, and I haven't slept at all. I move a little closer to JC and he stirs slightly, and I take his hand. He's holding on in his sleep. That helps me relax. I can just barely make out his eyelids fluttering in the darkness. It's so cold in this room. I don't think the damn heat's working. Anyway. We're leaving tomorrow, so I guess I'll just have to put up with it for this one night.
JC said something today. I'm not sure if it made me feel good or bad. He said, "Lance, when all this is over, we can finally get married." I'm not sure what bothered me more: the idea of the band breaking up, or the fact that I'm kind of not sure I'm ready to marry him. Well. I won't have to think about that for a long time, but it's just, I want to be so sure. I don't even know how I can doubt that we'd be happy. Maybe I've just never thought about it before. I think it's time I started. I guess...the only reassurance I need is how right it feels lying next to him in the dark.
Lids getting heavy. I haven't been able to sleep the whole week, but with the feeling of his soft skin between my fingers, suddenly I'm yawning. Just a few more seconds, and I'm going to fall asleep, and abandon myself to the night.
***
fiction