Infinite Ocean-Blue
Indigo
***
Before JC, Lance had only liked girls. He'd dated a few, slept with a few, even been in love with a few (or so he thought). But when he got together with JC Chasez, he didn't think he could ever go back to liking girls again--not when being with another man felt so right.
He was wrong. After that relationship ended, he couldn't see himself with anyone of the same gender. It was like being with JC had ruined it for him. The entire male species was off-limits to Lance, simply because he didn't think he could find a replacement for JC--and a replacement was what he needed most.
He'd been the one to break it off. It had been so hard, from being the most important person in someone's life to being the one person they couldn't have in the same room. The only reason he did it, which now seemed so stupid to him yet so logical, was that he didn't see a future in the relationship. He couldn't see himself marrying JC or spending the rest of his life with him. And to someone like Lance, being with someone without seeing a future was a waste of time.
So he broke it off, he and JC went back to being just bandmates (because immediately afterwards, they couldn't even be friends) and now he was with Laura.
He honestly believed that he loved her. She made him happy, made him smile, and if he forced himself, he was able to picture marrying her. That was more than he could say for JC. He'd tried, really, to imagine him and JC exchanging vows, but the picture never seemed quite right to Lance. Their relationship had been fun, but Lance couldn't see forever in it.
Which wasn't to say that it hadn't been real. Oh yes, it had been real, more real than anything Lance had ever experienced. The love was most definitely there...sometimes, he was overwhelmed by it. But what was the point, if he couldn't stay with JC for the rest of his life?
Even now, he caught himself watching JC and wondering what would've happened if they'd stayed together. Sometimes he was just too beautiful to look at; like a perfect painting, or the night sky. It was hard not to fall in love with him all over again, but Lance kept reminding himself that there was no future, and usually, being with Laura drove all thoughts of JC out of his mind. But they still crept up on him occasionally, and that bothered Lance a lot.
JC didn't look like he was taking it well at all. In fact, Lance had the sneaking suspicion that he'd started taking drugs to ease the pain. He'd catch JC sometimes--listless, with unfocused eyes and speech that was even more slurred than usual. JC had gone back to his naturally curly hair, and the scruff that was steadily growing on his chin made him look grungy and irresistible to Lance.
He worried about him. After all, he'd been the one to break it off, so he was expected to take it better. But seeing JC this way was really bothering Lance--so much so that he planned to speak to him about it very soon.
"Jayce, can I have a word?" He stopped in the doorway of the hotel bathroom, feeling a peculiar jumpiness in his stomach when he caught sight of JC with a towel wrapped around his waist, shaving the hair above his perfect lips. "Oh, sorry." He felt himself going very red. As an ex-boyfriend, he didn't think he was entitled to see JC half-naked anymore.
JC glanced his way then went back to shaving. "S'okay. Sure you can have a word. You can have as many as you want, Lancey-poo." He washed the shaving cream off his face and wiggled his eyebrows at a still-blushing Lance.
"I, uhh...I'm kind of worried about you, Jayce." He seated himself on the edge of the bathtub and watched as JC splashed on aftershave. The familiar scent of flowers and honey filled the room; it had always seemed a little girly to Lance, but that was why he loved it so much. "I love the smell of that stuff..." he mumbled, closing his eyes.
When he opened them again, JC was kneeling right in front of him. "Worried? Why?"
Lance stared down at his hands. "You don't...seem to be taking this, uh, this whole thing too well." He looked up again, only to find that JC was the one who couldn't meet his eyes.
"No. No, I'm not, Lance." He stood up and went out into the bedroom. Lance followed him.
"I thought you said you understood," Lance said lamely, sitting down on the bed and fingering the comforter. "I thought you said we were okay."
JC gave him a piercing look. The hurt in his eyes was obvious. "What did you expect, Lance? I spent the best three years of my life with you, and...and suddenly, you 'don't see a future'?? How did you expect me to feel?" He was speaking quietly, but more coherently than Lance had ever heard him in the past few weeks.
For a minute, Lance had no answer to this. "I'm sorry, JC," was all he could say.
JC stopped in front of him. "I bet you are. So sorry that you had to go and find yourself a...a girlfriend two months later." He shook his head. "I don't understand it, Lance. I know you felt what I did...what I do. How could you throw that all away?" He was still standing in front of Lance, looking down at him.
Lance stood up. "I told you I couldn't see myself marrying you. I told you, JC."
JC sighed. "Yeah, and I heard." He fixed Lance with the piercing stare again. "Do you really believe that, Lance, or are you just scared?" He was speaking so softly, almost whispering. It was creepy.
Lance gulped. He stared at a point on JC's chest, at the carved-ivory lion he always wore, the pendant he refused to take off no matter how many times Lance had asked him to. And suddenly, in the white ivory he saw a picture of JC and him, wearing white and holding each other's hands. They looked happy, and they looked like they had just gotten married. Then he looked up, into infinite ocean-blue, and saw what he hadn't been able to see until now. Lance started to cry. "I was scared. But I'm not now."
He hugged JC and JC took him in, filling the air around them with the weird girly-scent of flowers and honey. This was where he had to be--in the arms of forever.
***
fiction