Something So Good
Indigo
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I don't have the right to say anything at all, Lance. Especially not about this. You were in the same position less than two months ago. I forced you to sit there and watch as I pretended she was my girlfriend. For three years, Lance, I made you act like it wasn't hurting you. But you never complained, and I love you for that.
But now...now that she's finally out of our lives forever, here you are, with someone else. I thought we could finally let us become something, you know? Without someone standing in the way. But no, not now, maybe not ever. Because just as I decided I didn't need to pretend anymore, you decided you had to.
Why? It would be better, so much better, if they'd made you. Made you find someone to hide behind just like they did to me. But they didn't make you, Lance. You went and found her all by yourself, and that's what makes it worse. Even if it's only been a few weeks. Even if I know it's not real. That it could never be real.
I've got NO right, Lance, none whatsoever. I'm so sorry for feeling this way, honey. I'm being so stupid, acting jealous like this. I know how you feel about me, and I know you know how I'd die without you, but it still bothers me, and I can't help that. We never got together, Lance. Why? Was it because of her? Because she was standing in our way? For a short time, TOO short a time, there was nothing in our way--absolutely nothing. But you changed that soon enough. Why?
And now we'll probably never become something. It's never going to happen for us, is it? Maybe...maybe that's exactly what you wanted. I see it now, finally, Lance, after all this time. I kept her around because I thought I was pretending. It never bothered you because it gave you an excuse not to be with me. You never wanted to be with me. You never will.
My chest hurts now. It's hard to choke down sobs when you're gasping for breath. You're scared of this, Lance. You never wanted it. I'm scared, too, but the only difference is I would never have let that stop me. I guess we're different then. I would have made you happy, Lance. Happier than she could ever make you...happier than she ever made me. We could have had something so good. If only you'd let us.
***
fiction