Green Apples
Indigo
***
I miss your eyes.
Maybe that's what I miss most about you. They were the first thing I saw every damn day. You would always wake up before I did, and run your fingers through my hair until I finally opened my eyes, and I would wake up to yours looking at me like I was the only thing in the room. I miss that.
Because they reminded me of green apples. And now that I can't see them anymore, green apples are the only thing I have left. I have pictures, Lance, so many pictures, but it's not the same. No camera could capture what you have...had...in those eyes of yours. It was the stuff of dreams. I loved that.
Why did you have to go? No, it's not your fault. You would never leave me, never. Unless you had no choice. Why did you leave me, Lance? We had something so good together. I didn't want you to go, but at the very end, you told me you had to. You looked at me with those green apples of yours, and you said you had to leave me. And you did. I cried. I still cry. I hate that.
Looking at my own eyes, they're so different from when I knew you. They're bloodshot, and red, and swollen from the crying. There's no light anymore, Lance. Your eyes were the sun, and mine were the moon. Because the only light I had was reflected from yours. The sun has no light anymore in my world, so the moon doesn't either. I regret that.
I'm in the kitchen. I'm opening the refrigerator, and I'm taking a green apple out of the fruit drawer. One look and I start crying again. This is not my life, Lance. I'm not alive anymore. I might as well be dead. Dead, like...god, I can't. I can't do that.
I wish I'd known you'd be leaving. I never took you for granted, never. Maybe I just took for granted that you would always be in my life. Now you're not, and it hurts, but more than hurting me it makes me angry. You shouldn't have left. I feel selfish because I can only think about how much it hurt me to see you go. But I can't help that.
I remember everything--everything, Lance. Every touch, every smile, every moment. But what I remember most was the last moment we had. It hurts me more to think about it, but I think about it every day. The last look you gave me before you left. Especially your eyes. I remember that.
Somewhere in my head I can hear the beeping of the monitors, of the machines, the steady rhythm of the flatliner. And then, the beeping gets faster, and you're clutching on to my shirt, and even though you haven't spoken in weeks you manage to say one last thing. And I can see in your eyes a lot of fear, a lot of pain, but mostly love--love for me. And right before you leave you say, "Josh, I have to go." That's it. That's all you said. Not even "I love you" not even "Remember me." Just "I have to go." But you didn't have to go, you didn't! You could have stayed. But maybe you didn't want to. So you said those words, and closed your eyes. In my mind's eye, I can still see that.
I miss your eyes. I think...I think I'm going to go have a green apple.
***
fiction