The Small Things
Indigo
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Lance,
What is it about having someone? You know, before I even met you I had this fascination with destiny and "soulmates", as cheesy as it sounds. I used to think there was only one person, ONE, out of everyone on earth for me. I remember thinking that soulmates were supposed to find each other...you know, like a homing beacon or something...and that it would happen, all I had to do was wait.
Yea, well. That idea kicked me in the ass soon enough. I went through a string of break-ups, failed relationships with people who disappointed me countless times. I turned into one of those bitter souls, people who think they're fated to remain lonely forever. I went through a period of depression where I couldn't even force myself to meet anyone. I stopped believing in soulmates.
I still don't believe in them, you know. I don't believe there's only one person I could be happy with, the way I'm happy with you. But you know what? I don't care how many there are out there, because it doesn't matter now. Right NOW, at THIS moment, there's only ONE I give a shit about.
What is it about YOU? I used to wonder. I had the biggest crush on you forever and I just went for it, you know? I chased after you and for the longest time I thought I was just chasing clouds. But it happened, you and me, and now it's THERE, you know? It's so REAL.
I know. It's the small things. It's the way we find each other in a crowd. I'll be standing around, surrounded by people, trying to see over their heads, looking for a tuft of honey-colored hair, looking for YOU. Then you just look up suddenly and you KNOW I've been looking for you. Yeah. THAT scares me sometimes.
The way you call me Josh--shit, no one calls me that anymore. It's all special now. It makes me feel like we belong to each other, you know? Even if everyone calls you Lance...it's still special. Shit, I'm such an idiot. I don't even know why I'm saying this. Well, it's because I have to. I'm talking about the way we say each other's names and it's just making me grin like a bigger idiot than I already am. You know.
Oh, here's a good one--you know when you hold my hand, the way our fingers get all tangled and entwined or whatever it is you call it? THAT is one thing I love best. The way we hold each other, you can just tell by looking that there's a lot of love in that. It's crazy, Lance. Little things like this, you'd think I wouldn't notice. But I DO, Lance. I always do.
What else? Well, the physical contact is nice, but man, I don't even have to be in the same room with you to feel like this. This is going to sound stupid but, thinking about you makes me smile. It really does! Knowing you exist is enough to do that to me. I am an idiot.
And knowing you're with me, that even when we're in public you're WITH me, that's the best feeling in the world. Wanting to make YOU happy is so easy for me. Sometimes I wish the world would just stop, would just get stuck in a moment, so this would turn into forever. Cheesy again, I know. But you know I can't help it. You do that to me.
What I'm trying to say is, you don't have to do anything to keep me with you. It's the small things that make the best gifts. And you give me those every day, without even trying.
Happy Anniversary, baby. I forgive you. I forgave you before you even did anything wrong.
Josh
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fiction