All That Matters
Indigo
***
Sometimes JC couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't take hiding it, concealing it, keeping it from the public as if it was wrong. He couldn't think of anything less wrong and more perfect, more beautiful, more real, than the love he and Lance had for each other.
Sometimes he would lie awake at night, listening to Lance breathing evenly by his side, asking himself if hiding it was really necessary. He would suggest wild ideas to himself like, "Why don't we just come out? People have done it in this business before. Would it really be that bad?" But the following morning, when his mind wasn't so clouded with sleep, he would reprimand himself for even thinking it. They could never come out to the public, not while their careers were at stake. The fans would simply never accept it. Thus, the two of them were condemned to love each other secretly, instead of showing the entire world how much they cared like they'd always longed to.
They would slip sometimes. Even at the most dangerous times, when the slightest touch or glance could make all the fame, all the success, all the celebrity come crashing down over their heads. They would be walking down the red carpet, blinded by camera flashes, the noise of the crowd roaring in their ears, and Lance would hold out his hand behind him, begging JC to hold on to him. And JC, needing to feel Lance's touch, would oblige, intertwining their fingers and squeezing his hand in silent support. It could only last a second, though. Any longer and it was past dangerous. It was forbidden.
The others knew, of course. And they accepted it, as they would keep on doing no matter how famous or how washed-up the group became. As long as they kept it within the group, Chris, Joey and Justin were completely okay with it. Completely.
JC and Lance had their moments, however, when they would be lying in bed, asking each other if what they were doing was worth it. Sometimes one, or the other, or both, would break down and sob in frustration, angry at the world for punishing them simply because they loved. But those moments were few and far between. For the most part, they couldn't stand being away from each other for more than a few hours at a time. Even during photo shoots, the others knew that JC and Lance had to be next to each other, or the picture wouldn't be taken. They would sling their arms around each others' shoulders, in seemingly buddy-buddy fashion, a facade that would never be penetrated by their fans. In some ways their relationship was the most obvious thing in the world, but people only saw what they wanted to see, and they did not want to see this.
The most beautiful moment in their entire relationship had come during the shoot for the video of This I Promise You. There they were, the five of them, singing the song for the twelfth time, each of them trying not to scowl impatiently, and sitting at that table out near the harbor. JC had looked across the table, right when the camera was focused on him, and given Lance a look, His Look, sea-blue eyes looking deeply into light green ones, as if he could stare into Lance's soul. And Lance couldn't keep from smiling, a smile meant only for JC. This small exchange had meant something to both of them--even if it would most probably be looked over by those watching. It was proof of their love for each other, that was all. Something for the world to
see, if they would only look hard enough.
Yes, sometimes it was hard. But everything in life was hard. They had each other's trust, each other's faith, each other's love.
And that was really all that mattered.
***
fiction