gravel

***

So JC gives me this look that just breaks my heart, and all over again I'm so in love with him that I can't breathe right. I feel so stupid every time I let him do this to me, but you know what, everyone should get to feel like that at least once in a lifetime.

He has this new obsession with motorcycles...Harleys, of course. When he gets an idea into his head, he'll spend for it. Even though he calls himself stingy. Well. He CAN be, with things other than money. Anyway. So the Harley thing...yeah, he got into that because of Chris and Justin and their pseudo-dangerous lifestyles. They've been riding since we got our first paychecks. Now all of a sudden, JC's gotten into it and it scares me to death. I don't need another reason to be afraid of losing him, to death or otherwise.

It kills me every time he tells me that he's going riding, but he took me on his bike once and sitting behind him, hugging him around the middle, with the wind in my hair and the smell of his cologne on my skin? Amazing. JC was...amazing.

But it doesn't change the fact that he's been cheating on me since the day we got together. Men, women, it's all the same to him...they're just conquests, and after scaling Mount Everest he goes on home, back to his sick puppy dog who'll be wagging his tail every time JC walks in the door. But I'd rather be at his feet than out of his life. I really am sick.

The newest twinky is a girl he met in Fort Lauderdale. I don't know how he picked this one up, but she's been hanging around ever since we wrapped up the tour there. "She's going to help us with the next album, Lance" "She knows a lot about sound engineering, Lance" "I'm screwing her behind your back, Lance." Yeah, he didn't really say that last thing, but he's always thinking it, I just know it.

So he's supposed to be coming over in a few minutes. It's good to be home, but the house always has this weird smell for a couple of days after I arrive, like it's been lonely. Been here for almost two weeks now though, so all I can smell is the fiddly girly potpourri that JC bought for me recently. He's such a doof when it comes to choosing gifts. But I use it anyway.

This is the day I'm going to break it off for good. Somehow, I've scraped up enough of my dignity off the floor to realize what a moron I've been. This is better for both of us. This time it's real.

He pulls up on his Harley, cuts the engine and knocks on my screen door, motorcycle helmet under one arm. God this is hard. "Come in, JC."

For a minute we just stand there looking at each other. He knows something's up becaue I've been avoiding him for the past few weeks. Come to think of it, this is the first time I've been alone with him since the second leg of the tour. So he does the cute little shuffle-shuffle with his feet and sits on my couch, helmet sitting on his lap like a baby. "Are you breaking up with me?"

I'm so stunned for a second that I've forgotten how to answer that, and I'm about to say yes when he gives me The Look, and it happens all over again and I say, "No, of course not." Then I sit down on the floor, at his feet, and I stare up at him as he strokes my head. And, well...I guess this is where I want to be right now.

***

gravel

i heard the sound of your bike,
as your wheels hit the gravel,
then your engine in the driveway
cutting off
and i pushed through the screen door
and i stood out on the porch
thinking fight, fight, fight
at all costs,
but instead i let you in,
just like i've always done
and i sat you down and offered you a beer
and across the kitchen table
i fired several rounds,
but you were still sitting there
when the smoke cleared.
and you came crawling back
to say that you wanna
make good in the end

and oh, oh,
let me count the ways
that i abhor you,
and you were never a good lay
and you were never a good friend
but, oh, oh, what else can i say...
i adore you

all i need is my leather,
one t-shirt and two socks,
i'll keep my hands warm
in your pockets
and you can use the engine block,
and we'll ride out to california
with my arms around your chest,
and i'll pretend that this is real
'cuz this is what i like best,
and you've been juggling two women
like a stupid circus clown
telling us both we are the one
and maybe you can keep me from ever being happy,
but you're not gonna stop me from having fun.
so let's go before i change my mind
i'll leave the luggage of all your lies behind
'cuz i am bigger than everything that came before

and you were never very kind,
and you let me way down every time
but oh, oh, oh what can i say...
i adore you

i heard the sound of your bike,
as your wheels hit the gravel,
then your engine in the driveway
cutting off

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