make me stay

***

JC could be really stupid sometimes. Maybe the more accurate word was pigheaded, or stubborn. In any case, he was moody too, and Lance could never tell when he was going to stop being fun, girly, huggable Josh and start being cold, mean, distant JC. Lance put up with it mainly because he loved him. Why else? He loved him very much, he was more than a friend or a brother, he was JC, and that meant the world.

Still, it was really hard to put up with JC's moods. He was so hard to talk to sometimes, and for a social person like Lance, that was difficult to understand. But even though Lance couldn't embrace JC when he was like this, he couldn't turn his back on him either.

***

"JC?" Lance said, watching him huddled over his notebook on the desk. Lance was back after having gone down to the hotel bar to have a few drinks, unable to bear the silence in the room. That had been an hour ago. "What are you writing?"

No answer. Lance sighed. Why now? he thought at JC, hoping he would answer. But still, no sound came from him except the occasional scratching of his pen against paper. Lance tried again.

"JC? Honey?" He was standing over JC now, trying to see what was written in the notebook. In one quick, rough movement, JC had pushed his chair back (hitting Lance in the stomach), stood up and turned around.

"Don't look at my notebook!" he shouted. Lance's eyes widened, completely taken aback by this sudden outburst. Then his features softened.

"I'm sorry, JC," he said softly. JC didn't say anything, just went back to his writing. Lance stared at his back, then shook his head and left the room.

***

"Joey? Can I come in?" Lance didn't expect Joey to be awake, after all, it was four in the afternoon, so he was surprised when the door swung open to reveal his bandmate, fully dressed and eating an apple.

"Lance, hey!" he said cheerily, pulling Lance inside and shutting the door. "What brings you here? JC sleeping or somethin'?" he was rummaging through the mini-bar as he said this, finally grabbing a Mars Bar and tossing it to Lance, who caught it deftly in his palm.

Lance sat on the bed. "Let's not talk about JC right now, okay?" Immediately, Joey stopped messing around the fridge and turned, a concerned look on his face.

"He being an asshole again?" he said sympathetically. He sat down next to Lance and patted his shoulder. "It's okay man, in a couple of hours he'll turn back into cuddly JC." He grinned and took another bite out of his apple.

Lance stood, throwing up his hands exasperatedly. "That's just it, why does he have to be so moody? It's not like I DO anything to provoke him. He just, you know, shuts off or something. I'm getting sick and tired of it, to tell you the truth." He stopped pacing to stand in front of Joey. "Jo, what am I gonna do about him?"

Joey looked up at him and shrugged. "What CAN you do? He's JC and he's just LIKE that. It's a no-win situation, man."

Lance groaned and put his head in his hands. That wasn't the answer he wanted, or needed.

***

"Mornin', sunshine." Lance stepped out of the bathroom and into the arms of a waiting JC. He'd woken up early just so he could take a shower before JC woke up; after the conversation with Joey, he didn't feel much like talking to him. "Mmmm, you smell good." Lance felt the familiar tingling in his spine as JC buried his nose in his hair.

Not wanting to start a fight, Lance just hugged him back and mumbled, "Morning," in response. He pulled out of the hug a little too quickly and stepped past JC to get his clothes. JC followed him, putting his arms around Lance's waist even as he dug through his suitcase for a shirt to wear.

"I'm going to go take a shower," JC mumbled into his neck, and Lance felt him let go before stepping into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Lance sighed and let his shirt drop to the floor, wondering why he never had the guts to stand up to the person he loved most. He got dressed and sat in front of the TV, waiting for JC to finish showering.

***

It was close to 2 in the morning when Lance returned to the hotel, sticky with sweat and light-headed with a little too much beer. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and slipped the keycard into the door, pushing it open and stumbling on his own feet as he went in.

It was dark except for the tiny desk lamp glowing faintly, JC huddled once more at the desk and bent over something. Lance could barely walk straight as he went right up to JC and shook him. "Honey, I'm home!" he said loudly.

As expected, there was no response. Lance shook him harder, and harder until JC finally stood up. "Lance, stop it," he said coldly.

Lance didn't even feel hurt this time. "No," he slurred. "What the fuck's your problem, Jayceee?" He knew he was drunk, but he didn't care.

"What's YOURS?" was the angry reply.

"Me?? I don't got no problem. You're the one with the problem."

"Lance you're drunk."

"No I'm noott," but even as he said this he stumbled sideways. JC made no effort to help him. "I'm not."

JC gave him a disgusted look and turned to sit back down, but Lance reached for his shoulder and spun him around roughly.

"You..think you're...too...good for me, huh? You think everyone...everyone will just put up...with your SHIT?" he yelled incoherently. "Well you're NOT! You're NOT!"

For a moment, JC looked like he was about to hit him, but instead he clenched his fists, trembling with rage. "I don't know what you're talking about! But fuck, Lance, if you're going to be like this--"

Lance cut him off. "What, JC? Huh? You gonna break up with me? ARE YOU??" He was sure he was screaming loud enough to wake up the entire floor, but he didn't stop. "You shut yourself off and you expect me to forgive you! Well I have, so many times, but I can't anymore! I can't take your shit, JC! I can't! I can't..." He collapsed on to the floor, shaking, with tears flowing freely down his face.

JC was silent. Then he dropped to the floor, and when he lifted Lance's chin to look into his eyes, he looked...sorry. Lance was shocked to see that he was crying too. "You don't have to," Lance breathed in sharply, but he breathed out again when JC continued, "because I won't do it anymore." He sat down next to Lance and cradled him. "I'm sorry," he said, in between dropping kisses on Lance's head, "for being stupid. I'm sorry," and at this he hugged him tighter, "for everything. I'm an idiot because I can't control my moods sometimes, and I hurt you when I don't have to, and because I don't even realize you're the only good that's inside of me." His tears wet Lance's hair. "You save me, Lance," he whispered.

Lance didn't answer right away. He didn't have to, he just held on to JC and forgave him. "I was going to leave you, did you know? Maybe I would've regretted it later on, but for once I was going to stand up to you and do it." He fell silent. JC's heart was beating quickly; he could feel it through his shirt.

"Please don't."

Lance looked up at him. "I won't," he said quietly, "but if I ever try to, would you do something for me, love?"

"Anything," he murmured, kissing Lance's forehead.

"Don't let me. Do everything you can to make me stay."

***

make me stay

i'm gonna turn
and walk away
you can wait
till i am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if i were gone
i want to hear you
call my name
it's too easy
just to say it soft
i don't like my language
watered down
i don't like my edges
rounded off

i can't always wait
for your circumstance to improve
love is loose
it shifts each time you move
go ahead, put my back
against the wall
give it all up
or don't give it to me at all
you never know this could be
our last night
so step back
step back into the light
so i can see your silhouette
i'm not done looking yet

save the profile for the camera
give me your eye to eye
i know all your secrets
and you know all of mine
mostly i don't go
for the soft focus and the fantasy
i need something real
i can think
and say and see so

i'm going to turn
and walk away
you wait till i am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if i were gone
yes i'm going to turn
and walk away
you can watch me go
or you can make me stay

back-fiction

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