light of some kind

***

He doesn't know how to tell him that he's cheated. He doesn't know how he's going to keep from sinking to the floor when he sees Lance cry, because he knows Lance will cry. Lance doesn't let himself cry often, but for something as hurtful as what JC's done, he will collapse into tears.

JC doesn't even know why he did it. It seems like he doesn't know much, these days. He feels guilty, but he hasn't even bothered to lie, not when Justin questioned him, or when Chris and Joey came so close to bashing his head in when they found out. He knows that he and Lance have something strong enough to survive this kind of thing...at least he hopes. He prays that it isn't the end of his world. Losing Lance's trust, losing Lance, would be exactly like having the world collapse around his ears. JC wouldn't live through that.

But why? he has been asking himself every day, ever since he came home four days ago having slept with her, having spent the day in her apartment and ignoring the ringing of his cellphone. JC doesn't think he's bisexual, because even though he had been with a woman, he doesn't really think of it that way. She could have been a man, it didn't matter to him. What really matters to JC is that he's been with someone other than Lance.

He needs to figure out why he did it very soon, because Lance will want to know when he confesses tonight. He hopes to have an answer other than "I was confused" to give to Lance, because he owes him that much. But the truth is, he was confused. She had come up to him, so sweet, so innocent, possessing all the physical qualities he cherished so much in his Lance--Lance, who had been working at the time, who came back to the hotel room only to find it empty and very lonely. JC hadn't even enjoyed it that much, and the whole time he was wondering when Lance would be back, if Lance would be too tired to go out to dinner with him. It had been so sad, he'd left her place feeling depressed and not altogether pleased with himself.

Now he felt like he would never get over being so depressed and disgusted with himself. He felt so incredibly FILTHY, shameful, guilty and wretched--and here was Lance, the purest of angels, he wouldn't be surprised if Lance recoiled in disgust at the sight of him. He felt like he was wearing the filth on the outside. It was hard to imagine ever feeling good again.

Sitting in front of Lance and trying to find the words, he's suddenly so embarassed with himself he can't even look at his heart gazing concernedly at him. "Tell me."

JC lifts his gaze, determined to face Lance with this, and feels the pain reach his eyes as he looks away, wipes the tears fiercely on the back of his hand and whispers, "I cheated."

He says nothing else because he can't, he's crying too hard. He feels selfish. He shouldn't be the one crying, but he can't help it. Lance lifts his chin and, instead of looking angry like he should be, has something close to pity in the look he's giving JC. "I know." He moves forward to cradle JC in his arms, JC who is now sobbing wretchedly. Lance kisses his head as he clings to Lance's shirt, his ear pressed close to Lance's heart. "Poor baby," Lance says softly, and JC wonders why Lance is being like this. He is confused at the moment and lifts his head to look at his soul gazing downwards at him.

He tries to say he's sorry but instead allows a fresh flood of tears to drench Lance's shirt. Lance is still quietly stroking his head and rocking him back and forth, soothing and slow.

"I know because your light's gone out." Lance says this carefully, in gentle tones. "I know because you haven't been this depressed since your dog died. I know," and at this he kisses JC's head again, smoothing his hair, "because your eyes are saying sorry every time I look at you." He is still holding on to the pitiful creature shuddering in his arms.

"What's going to happen, Lance?" JC manages to say, muffled and distant.

Lance sighs and looks thoughtful. "We're going to be together, JC. We're going to be really happy, and we're going to maybe get married and adopt a lot of kids, and when all this is done we're going to move to Connecticut and breed terriers." He chuckles to himself and looks down at JC again. "You're sorry."

"I'm so sorry that...it hurts when I think about it."

"Then we're okay." JC finally stops crying and sits up, leaning against Lance and still sniffling loudly. "You know we're okay?"

JC kisses Lance's mouth, desperate and suddenly not filthy anymore. "I know." Lance has given him his light back.

***

light of some kind

i wish i didn't have this nervous laugh
i wish i didn't say half the stuff i say
i wish i could just learn to cover my tracks
i guess i'm not concerned about getting away

'cause every time i try to hold my tongue
it slips like a fish from a line
they say if you want to play
you should learn how to play dumb
i guess i can't bring myself to waste your time

'cause we both know what i've been doing
i've been intentionally bad at lying
you're the only boy i ever let see through me
and i hope you believe me when i say i'm trying
and i hope i never improve my game
yeah i'd rather have these things weighing on my mind
and at the end of this tunnel of guilt and shame
there must be a light of some kind
there must be a light of some kind

i must have blown a fuse or something
cause it was so dark in my mind
she came up to me with the sweetest face
and she was holding a light of some kind
and i still think of you as my boyfriend
i don't think this is the end of the world
but i think maybe you should follow my example
and go meet yourself a really nice girl

'cause we both know. . .

in the end the world comes down to just a few people
but for you it comes down to one
but no one ever asked me if i thought i could be
everything to someone
there's a crowd of people harbored in every person
there are so many roles that we play
and you've decided to love me for eternity
i'm still deciding who i want to be today

cause we both know. . .

back-fiction

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