swandive

***

Since when were you so beautiful? Since when have you been so hard not to touch? Since when could you make me feel like jumping into the ocean for the love of you?

And I know that to you, I'm just JC, the same guy who would hold you when you cried from being homesick. Just JC, who used to sing to make you feel better. JC, who you've known for what, seven years? JC...who right now can't think about anything else but you.

It's hard to think of anything else when I have a picture of you in my head. It's hard not to be with you when I'm with you every day. It's so damn hard, Lance, to keep myself from drowning in you every time you're there. So I won't, I won't keep myself from drowning...I'm just going to let myself get lost in you and maybe, just maybe you'll come find me and tell me you're drowning in me.

Call me crazy, honey, but there's no way out but in. If I can't stop wanting you I'm just going to have to want you more. That's the way things work, isn't it? Sooner or later you'll want the same things I do. Then we can be happier than either of us could ever be alone.

And I have the softest, prettiest memory of us sitting on your roof in Orlando, just you and me and the stars and the moon. I don't know why I did it just then but I ran my fingers through your hair, the softest, warmest part of you, and you didn't say anything...you just let me. But I know that it doesn't mean a thing, not to you at least. To me it meant everything.

Now I'm in a cold hotel room, sitting on the bed and gripping my knees as I try not to cry. It's been a lot of years, I think, since I stopped seeing you as Lance and started seeing you as the person I was supposed to be making happy. Do you know how frustrating it gets, seeing you, wanting you, breathing you and only you, every single day?

Lance, you do things to my mind that I never thought possible. You hurt me and you heal me, all at the same time, you kiss me and you kill me--you drown me in you.

I don't care if this is the last and only thing I do with my life, but I'm going to tell you now, because I've never been good at holding in my emotions. I'm tired--really, really tired--of this. So I'm getting up now, swinging the door open, knocking on the door of the room you share with Justin. And lucky for me it's just you in there right now, I wouldn't want to do this with anyone around.

"Lance." You turn, honey, you turn to me and you look kind of tired but still beautiful because you could never be...not beautiful when I look at you.

"JC." You smile at me and pat the comforter right near where you're sitting. I really don't care if I fail or succeed, though I think I'd enjoy success much more. "Something you wanted?"

This is no time to be careful, though part of me says it is. I don't care, I don't care...I do, actually, but I'm trying not to, because caring too much will just stop me again. "You, Lance."

You blink as if you didn't hear me right. "P-Pardon?"

I giggle because you saying that reminds me how you used to be...how you still are, underneath the worldly-wise Lance part of you. "You, Lance, I want YOU, so badly that against all my...inhibitions I'm telling you this. Before I can't anymore." I can't finish the sentence because I'm mumbling. The courage is completely gone and now I just feel stupid.

You, however, have the ability to make me feel not stupid, and that's what you're doing right now as you take my hand, and, without looking at me, say, "JC, be with me."

A kiss, your warm skin in my hands, and I'm weightless...I'm drowning.

***

swandive

cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed

i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in

'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown

and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
im wiped and im wired but i guess it's just as well
because i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell

and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
into shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around

'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better things to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hands
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land

i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is something i understand
i just need a couple vaccinations for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead and go boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering and stunned

and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown...

***

back-fiction

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