ASHES

Title: Ashes, 1/1
Author: Jaye (Copyright December 2003)
Codes: VOY C,P R Major Angst

Disclaimer: Star Trek and all related characters and 
concepts are the property of Paramount. No infringement 
is intended or profit made. This is rated R for language, 
angst and frank discussion of the aftermath of rape. 
If you aren't interested (or aren't old enough), don't read 
it.

Archive: Drop me a note first so I know where it's going. 
Please keep the text (especially the disclaimer) intact.

Feedback: Sure but be kind, or at least constructive. E-mail 
is reader8901@fastmail.fm

Summary: An alien invasion has devastating personal 
consequences.

Note: There will be no sequel for this.

***************

It was two years ago today my world changed forever.

How frantic I was that morning. Waking up in the brig, naked, 
covered in blood, with no memory of how I got there.

But somehow knowing that Chakotay was in danger. Shouting, 
yelling, practically clawing at the force field I tried to 
reach my lover. To protect him.

But I had already failed.

The lines on Tuvok's face as he watched me told me that. So 
did the five other blood-covered bodies stirring in the brig.

We were granted showers, fresh clothes, food and drink---but 
not a word of explanation for days. The guards wouldn't look 
at us, or speak to us. And none of my fellow prisoners---
Ayala, Vorik, Billy Telfer, B'Elanna and Rollins---had any 
idea why we were here, either.

Eventually the Captain visited, the too-stiff set of her 
shoulders making me think she was brittle enough to shatter 
at a breath. She wouldn't meet our anxious eyes.

"Eight days ago..." she said, then cleared her throat, 
swallowing. My gut clenched in dread as she began again. 
"Eight days ago noncorporeal aliens invaded Voyager without 
setting off a single alarm. They observed our actions for two 
days, learning the codes to disable the computer and perform 
various other commands. They chose six targets for..." her 
voice roughened as the shadows bracketing her mouth deepened 
"...experimentation."

The hairs on the back of my neck rose as my skin tightened. 
Janeway glanced up briefly, taking our measure. The marrow of 
my bones froze at the horror I could see shivering beneath 
her command mask. I suddenly wanted to cover my ears, to stay 
in this not-so-blissful state of ignorance.

In so many ways, I wish I had.

But I heard her, the words that sounded a death-knell to the 
life I had made for myself aboard Voyager, the joy I had 
found in the last six months. With Chakotay.

"The aliens waited until their targets were alone in a 
private area with one other person. Then they...commandeered 
the bodies of the companions, locked down the cabins or 
offices and for the next several days...'conducted 
experiments'. We finally figured out a way to drive them from 
the ship, and our shields have been modified to prevent any 
more attacks from this or similar species."

"Captain," Vorik interrupted, the paleness of his face 
belying his Vulcan calm, "may I deduce we are not the 
victims?"

"That's correct. You've been in here for your own protection 
until we could be sure the crew accepted you were not 
responsible for your actions." Janeway seemed almost 
relieved. I bet she was expecting a different question.

But then she sobered. "The victims are all still in Sickbay 
under the Doctor's care, but their conditions have finally 
stabilized and all are expected to recover eventually." She 
put a brightness into her voice that I doubt fooled any of 
us.

"Who are they?" My voice cracked on the question, because on 
some level I already knew at least one name.

All of us cringed before the mix of sorrow and compassion as 
Janeway answered, "Ken Dalby, Celes Tal, Megan Delaney, 
George Larson, Tem Gerron---" she paused and her eyes flicked 
over me--- "and Chakotay."

I didn't see the horror washing over the others' faces. My 
vision narrowed until my mind's eye saw only Janeway's lips 
forming my lover's name, over and over and over...

A shake of my head brought me back to reality. Chakotay was 
in pain and needed me. "When can I see him?"

The captain seemed to wince at my desperate question. "You 
can't, Tom." Her sweeping gaze took us all in. "The Doctor 
believes that it would be detrimental to his patients' 
recovery to have visitors at this time."

"No!" I rushed the field. Only Tuvok's swift jab of the Off 
button prevented me from hitting it. I dashed into the main 
area of the brig, skidding to a stop, frantic to make the 
captain understand. "I have to see him!"

The others were suddenly by my side. Telfer's and Ayala's 
shouts mingled. "Tal needs me!" "Gerry will want me with 
him!"

"Enough!" The captain transformed before our eyes from a 
hesitant figure to one of steel. "*If* and when they ask for 
you, you will be allowed to speak to them. Otherwise, you are 
barred from initiating any contact and are banned from Deck 
5---especially the area near Sickbay---until further notice."

My shoulders slumped. I knew that tone; on this, the captain 
would be implacable. My brow furrowed as I pondered how to 
sneak past security.

My musings were interrupted when Tuvok was waved over to 
stand beside Janeway. She spoke once more, and I shivered 
again at the sorrow in her voice. "I know that these people 
are your friends, and in some cases lovers. But you need to 
come to terms with the fact that they may not want to have 
anything to do with you after this."

She kept speaking, ignoring our shock. "You'll be meeting 
with Tuvok once a week for group counseling. I know you don't 
remember what happened, but unfortunately you'll be dealing 
with the aftermath." She sighed. "You're off-duty for the 
next few days."

***************

I was glad to get back to work. I spent the time off pacing 
my cabin, not eating or sleeping much. Trying to will 
Chakotay into asking for me.

But he never did.

I spent the next three weeks collecting rumors. It wasn't 
hard; after all, it's a small ship.

B'Elanna attacked Dalby in her office; Billy cornered Tal in 
the Hydroponics Bay. Vorik was delivering a report to 
Astrometrics when he went after Megan. Rollins assaulted 
Larson in the Secondary Security Station, and Ayala penned 
Gerron in their cabin.

Chakotay and I were baby-sitting Naomi in his quarters when 
the alien took me over. She's a little afraid of me now---
poor kid can't really say much about what happened and I 
think my frantic questions scared her---but I'm grateful that 
somehow Chakotay managed to get her out before she saw 
anything.

At least there was one innocent spared.

Ship morale was in the toilet. Details hadn't been leaked, 
but the fact that the victims hadn't left Sickbay yet was 
telling enough.

I was surprised how much Tuvok's support group helped me keep 
it together, helped all of us. We were dealing with looks and 
whispers from the crew. B'Elanna was pretty spooked; her 
Engineering crew scattered when she showed the slightest sign 
of temper. They were also giving Vorik a wide berth. Rollins 
had his security team scared stiff.

Telfer was anxious to talk to Celes---apparently they were 
best friends and she used to call him all the time.

Ayala was devastated. Gerron had asked for a separate cabin 
without giving his lover a word of warning.

I felt like I was in limbo, floating, directionless. Unable 
to think or act until I could see Chakotay was safe and well, 
until I could hold him and soothe away whatever pain the 
alien caused.

But I never got to touch him, or even get close to him. 
Eventually I did see him. On duty. But only on duty. He sent 
my messages back unread, wouldn't respond to my comms, 
changed cabins and changed the locks on his doors.

I couldn't even schedule a counseling session with him.

It was pretty much the same with the others. Dalby and Larson 
transferred to Environmental to get away from their old 
bosses. Megan Delaney switched shifts, and Jenny went with 
her. Celes and Gerron---like Chakotay---ignored their former 
relationships as if they never existed.

I still didn't know what really happened. The logs and files 
were locked and encrypted in a way that I'd never be able to 
crack without detection.

And none of the victims talked about it outside their own 
support group, led by the Doc.

I sometimes cringe a little as I recall my reaction. But more 
than a month of knowing nothing and being ignored sharpened 
my concern to indignation.

Love me or hate me, but nobody ever ignores Tom Paris. At 
least, that's what I told myself at the time.

Now I know it was a last desperate grasp for the greatest 
happiness I'd ever known. One that I'd lost without 
understanding why.

I suspected that Tuvok was keeping tabs on me, so one day 
when I knew Harry was spending the evening with B'Elanna I 
managed to switch comm badges with him.

Yeah, I was taking advantage of a friend, one who had stood 
by both B'Elanna and me after The Incident. But on the other 
hand, I kind of resented the fact he wouldn't tell us what he 
knew.

And I sometimes startled a haunted look off his face that 
made me sure he had something to spill. And that the tale 
wouldn't be pretty.

My theory was confirmed when a half-hour after "Tom" was 
ensconced in B'Elanna's quarters, Chakotay headed out for 
Holodeck 1 with Tuvok and the captain.

When I got there I was surprised to see Sandrine's running. 
Not *my* version, mind you, but the spiffed-up "civilized" 
place the Doc had turned it into.

When I saw Chakotay, my heart skipped and my breath caught 
the way they always did in his presence. He was looking too 
thin and too wan, but he was still the focus of my attention, 
absolutely compelling.

Not just because he was the love of my life.

I know I startled all three of my COs when I appeared at 
their table, but I only had eyes for the commander of my 
heart. "Hello, Chakotay," I said, proud my voice didn't 
quaver. With anxiety *or* anger.

Chakotay's eyes widened and his nostrils flared; sweat broke 
out on his forehead, making the tattoo shine. "He-Hello, 
Tom."

Tuvok rose smoothly, one eyebrow arching. He knew I was onto 
him, but he was also onto me. "Is Mr. Kim aware of your 
duplicity?" he asked coolly.

I tilted my chin, righteousness adding weight to my defiance. 
"Of course not."

The captain rose as well. The pair bristled like guard dogs--
-or bodyguards. "Lieutenant, I thought II had made it clear 
that you were *not* to initiate contact with any of the---"

I cut her off. "Chakotay is *my* lover, captain, not yours." 
I took them both off-guard as I shoved between them, my hands 
gripping the back of a chair so hard I could feel the wood 
digging into my palms. "Chakotay, please, we have to talk."

Chakotay stared at me, silent. Tuvok grabbed my arm, 
intending to drag me away. I threw a desperate glance back at 
my frozen lover. Who quickly dropped his gaze to his folded 
hands.

But Chakotay surprised me---surprised all of us, I think---by 
saying quietly, "Let him go, Tuvok." His eyes stumbled across 
my face, slid away again. "He's right."

"Are you sure, Chakotay?" I hadn't heard Janeway's voice that 
tender in a long time. My hackles lowered at the hushed and 
fragile atmosphere around the table.

"Yes---" Chakotay's eyes flicked from one friend to the 
other, ignoring me completely "---but stick close."

"Of course, Commander." Tuvok dropped my arm and moved to 
another table. Captain Janeway startled me by giving my 
shoulder a quick squeeze before she joined him.

I saw Chakotay's body tense as I pulled out the seat next to 
him. I hurriedly shifted over and sat down across from 
Chakotay, putting the width of the table between us. He 
relaxed slightly but said nothing.

Silence stretched out between us, muffling the sounds of the 
other patrons. To this day I can't tell you who else was in 
the room that night. "How've you been, Chak?" My question 
seemed choked to my own ears.

He looked up at me, with a shrug and a rueful air. "Getting 
by." Brown eyes unfocused as he seemed to hold an internal 
debate, but finally he met my gaze. "How about you?"

I'd been waiting so long to talk to Chakotay, but at that 
moment I couldn't seem to get anything past the logjam of 
emotions blocking my throat---angry, anxious, wishing to 
comfort and be comforted. And desperately afraid.

"I don't know," I finally admitted, my eyes dropping to my 
own hands, clenched together on the wooden table. I suddenly 
wanted a drink, with the clawing need for alcohol I hadn't 
felt since Caldik Prime. I looked up, into dark eyes I 
couldn't read. "Why haven't you commed me, Chakotay?"

"I...I," Chakotay bit his lip, then the words seemed to burst 
from him in a rush. "I'm sorry, Tom. I should have told you 
from the start. I know it's not your fault, but I---I don't 
want to talk to you." He looked down, then back at me, grave 
and anxious. "It's over between us."

"No." It sounded more like a declaration than a denial, but 
inside I was wailing in despair. The captain warned me. So 
did Tuvok, in group, in his own subdued fashion. No doubt 
Harry would have as well, if I'd let him in on my plans. So I 
should have been prepared.

Except I wasn't. Sure, I knew Chakotay had been avoiding me, 
and that the road back wouldn't be easy, but somehow I always 
pictured us together.

How could we not be? I loved him, he loved me. We were 
inevitable.

"Look, I know I should have talked to you sooner, but I 
wasn't ready." Chakotay shook his head slightly. "I'm still 
not, I think." He took a deep breath. "But one thing you have 
to understand...we're *not* getting back together."

I felt my soul fracture. "What did that alien do to you?" I 
growled as I grabbed his wrist. Some vague notion of dragging 
him with me somewhere. Shock ran through me at the fearful 
way Chakotay snatched it back. Clutching his arm to his chest 
and rubbing it absently as if I'd hurt him.

As if he expected me to hurt him.

He gave a few frantic gasps, but waved Tuvok and Janeway back 
to their seats. Then he leaned his elbows on the table and 
put his face in his hands, obviously struggling to figure out 
what to say.

I didn't know what to do. So I waited.

When he looked up at me again I saw just a hint of the love 
that used to be between us. But it was flickering, gutted, 
overwhelmed by despair.

Chakotay rested his hands back on the table, palms up. "Don't 
you see, Tom? It doesn't matter what *it* did. Because the 
alien is not the one I'm afraid of."

He shrugged, helplessly, and his fingers lifted and lowered 
as if the explanation were beyond him. "Tom, I *know* that it 
wasn't you. That the alien took over your body and threatened 
Naomi if I didn't comply. But it just doesn't make any 
difference."

His eyes were moist, and I felt tears sting my own as he 
struggled to speak. "It's not some alien who hurt me, Tom. It 
was you. Your hands, your body." His throat clicked as he 
swallowed. "I just...I can't be near you. I arrive after you 
and leave before you because the thought of you standing 
behind me, ready to pounce again at any second, makes my 
heart pound so hard and fast I think I'm going to die. Every 
time I hear your voice, I remember how it sounded when you 
laughed during...when I try to think about how it felt to 
make love with you, all I see is you slicing into me, all I 
remember is my flesh tearing under your touch, under your 
body. All I can feel is the violation...the humiliation."

Agony twisted his features, hunched his shoulders as if 
making some vain attempt at self-protection. And his voice 
was as tight as my throat felt. "I hold my breath when we get 
too close, because the smell of you makes me sick to my 
stomach...sometimes I can't eat, because I smell you and 
taste you and there's no escaping what happened and I want to 
just...stop."

Chakotay looked at me, more weary than I've ever seen him. "I 
just want it to stop. I want to feel clean and safe and sure 
of myself again. I don't want to be afraid." He shook his 
head, looked away. "I know you love me, Tom, and you just 
want to help. But you can only help me by staying away."

"But it wasn't *me*!" I was almost crying now myself. I 
wanted to howl at the unfairness of it all, and wanted to 
shake that essential truth into Chakotay.

"I know." Chakotay sighed. "But that doesn't change 
anything."

"Of course it does. *I love you*, Chakotay." I wanted to 
reach out, but I could already sense him moving away from me. 
"You love me," I said, but there was no longer any conviction 
in me. I slumped to the table, the only thing keeping me from 
sliding to the floor and curling up in despair.

"I loved you, Tom, very much." Chakotay's voice was soft, and 
I felt a hesitant touch on my shoulder. "But I don't believe 
I'll ever feel safe with you again."

"But maybe someday you could," I insisted, my heart twisting. 
"And I can wait for you."

The fingers tightened. "No, Tom. I'm sorry. Think less of me 
if you must, but...but I don't even want to try."

I knew then that in Chakotay's mind we were already walking 
different paths. Away from each other. Defeat was sour in my 
mouth as I muttered, "So I'm going to be punished for 
something I didn't do."

"Yes." Chakotay's hand loosened on my shoulder, lifted away. 
I shivered at the sudden cold. "But at least you got off 
easy. You don't have to live with the memories."

"I'm not going to give up, Chakotay." I winced. It sounded 
like a threat. I lifted up and turned to face him.

Chakotay had backed away a few steps. "Sure you will, Tom. 
Not because you're weak; just the opposite. We're survivors, 
all of us on Voyager, and we do what we have to." He gave me 
a small smile. "And I promise you, the day you find happiness 
again, I will too."

He left quickly, the captain and Tuvok waiting only a moment 
before following Chakotay out the door.

I think I went a little insane then, because the next thing I 
knew I was in the Doc's office trying to crack the 
uncrackable seals on Chakotay's files. I didn't even care if 
I ended up back in the brig. I had some crazy notion of 
proving that Chakotay's experience hadn't been *that* bad, of 
throwing the report in his face and yelling how could he not 
love me anymore, how could this be enough to destroy the best 
thing that had ever happened to me.

How could he expect me to just give up?

"Mr. Paris."

The voice startled me into whirling. The EMH stared at me. I 
thought he was sizing me up for a sedative.

But I was wrong.

He simply leaned over and typed in some codes. Data flashed 
onto the screen, resolving itself into readable type. 
"Commander Chakotay has given you permission to read his 
files," he said simply. Then he walked around the desk and 
sank into one of the visitor's chairs. Obviously preparing to 
wait.

It took me a long time to get through the report. A few times 
the letters blurred, but I wasn't sure if I was grieving for 
Chakotay or myself.

Now I understood the hell he was going through, and why he 
didn't want me to be a part of his recovery.

I leaned back, drained. My unfocused gaze drifted to the Doc. 
"There's no hope for Chakotay and me getting back together, 
is there?"

"Honestly, Mr. Paris?" It struck me how...human...the Doc 
looked, his face creasing in sympathy as he continued, "I 
don't think there should be. Who in their right mind would 
deliberately put themselves in a situation that is so painful 
to them?"

"I would never want Chakotay to---" I protested.

"But you do, if you insist on pursuing the relationship," the 
Doc overrode me. "This kind of trauma...the fear it leaves is 
instinctual, automatic, not something that you just wave 
away, even if you want to. People heal in their own time, in 
their own way. You can't force it. That would be like locking 
a claustrophobic in a coffin and telling them to 'just get 
over it'." He paused. "And what loving person would do that?"

I had no answer. I didn't notice when he left.

***************

I never chased Chakotay again. It was the hardest thing I've 
ever done, but I taught myself to live without him. Without 
yearning for what I'd never have again.

Time passed, wounds healed, scars faded, almost without my 
noticing.

I sighed and sipped my beer, returning to the present, 
wondering if Chakotay and the other victims had noted the 
second anniversary of the aliens' "experiments" a few days 
ago.

Today---two years after I woke up in the brig---was my day 
for mourning. And remembering. And, surprisingly, for making 
a new start.

Chakotay was right. Time changes everyone, and I was never 
built for unrequited love. It took me a long time to get over 
him, but eventually I did.

This morning, my new lover and I got engaged. Chakotay sent 
us champagne and his best wishes. Rumor has it I'll be 
needing to return the gesture someday soon when he proposes 
to Marla Gilmore.

In the dark of night, I sometimes think about Chakotay, his 
dark eyes and special smile. Of the way we were together, and 
the way we ended.

I remember the heartache those aliens caused. To all their 
victims.

Then I recall hearing Chakotay and Marla laughing in the Mess 
Hall, seeing Gerron dancing in Noah Lessing's embrace, 
kissing my lover as we settle down to sleep.

Maybe we're still finding our way back to joy, all of us, but 
after the pain and anger and regret, we've found a kind of 
peace. And hope for the future.

Sometimes you don't get a happy ending, just the embers you 
can stir from the ashes to begin anew.

And sometimes love is letting go.

THE END