SMALL SACRIFICES

Title: Small Sacrifices, 3/5 
Author: Jaye (Copyright April 2002)
Codes: C/P NC-17

Disclaimer: Star Trek, Voyager and all related characters and
concepts  are the property of Paramount. No infringement is
intended or profit  made. This has m/m sex and implied violence.
If you aren't interested (or  aren't old enough), don't read it.

Archive: Drop me a note first so I know where it's going. Please
keep  the text (especially the disclaimer) intact.

Feedback: Sure but be kind, or at least constructive. E-mail to: 
Reader8901@fastmail.fm

Summary: The real reason Devore Inspector Kashyk didn't arrest 
Voyager's telepaths at the end of "Counterpoint."

Note: I'll admit I don't recall the episode too clearly, but I
wondered  how Voyager was able to leave Devore space without
being stopped for  hiding their *own* telepaths. Kashyk met
Tuvok, and probably the others,  while he was seeking asylum on
the ship. Even if he lost the shuttles  full of refugees,
wouldn't he have tried to save face by bringing in  Voyager? Why
was Voyager just able to go merrily on its way?

***************

PART THREE

PRIVATE LOG OF CAPT. KATHRYN JANEWAY, FEDERATION STARSHIP
VOYAGER

/Hindsight is supposed to bring clarity. My world is
transformed,  established patterns wiped away in a single turn
of life's kaleidoscope. I  can see the new arrangement, but I
have yet to understand when or why  things changed./

/B'Elanna and Tom have called it quits. The one acknowledged
couple  among my senior staff has parted company. Not with a
bang, or even a  whimper. It's as though one of them woke up one
morning and decided their  affair must end, and the other
agreed. No acrimony or accusations, no  shouts or tears. Nothing
but a brisk shake of hands and a promise to  remain friends./

/I can't decide now if they were ever really in love, or whether
I  simply wanted them to be. Those two gave me such hope for the
future. I had  dreams of presiding over their wedding, of being
godmother to their  firstborn. Now, these things will never come
to pass./

/There were the faintest hints of dissatisfaction, but I thought
they  were simply the restive movements of people settling down,
jostling  knees and elbows as two lives merged into one. I
didn't recognize they were  in truth the awkward disentangling
of lovers drawing apart to head in  different directions./

/Both Tom and B'Elanna seem strangely content. He was quiet,
almost  somber for a while before the breakup. Now his high
spirits have returned,  tempered by an even greater confidence
and sense of self. It's as  though he has confirmed an inner
strength that lets him stand alone./

/B'Elanna is...reflective. At first I thought she was simply
evincing  the resigned droop of dreams defeated, but no more.
She seems instead to  have turned inward, set off on a journey
of self-discovery. I wonder  where her wanderings will take her,
and what she will find./

/I asked Chakotay if he had seen the currents shifting, but he
claimed  he could not divulge confidences. I assume he meant
B'Elanna's. She has  always hurled her emotions like stones into
his pool of calm, knowing  that when the ripples faded only
truths would float back up to be  gathered into her cupped
hands./

/My First Officer's reaction to Tom and B'Elanna's relationship
has  never matched my expectations. Despite the turbulent
history between my  "reclamation project" and his former
captain, Chakotay never said one  word against the pilot when
the sister of his heart let Tom into hers. He  was supportive of
her, but left her free to make her own decisions./

/It's no different now. As the rest of the crew murmur their
analyses  of the end of the romance and whisper their
speculations---even  hopes---for future pairings, Chakotay
remains silent. His thoughts on this, as  everything else, a
mystery until he chooses to disclose them./

/He is less forthcoming these days. Not that anything
distinctive about  him has changed. Our rapport is as smooth as
ever, but I have noticed  he sometimes has a pensive air.
Perhaps the rumors were correct and his  world has altered as
well, into one that finally holds no hope of love  between us./

/I wonder if that is true, if he had kept that wish close to his
heart  until now. My reaction is...many things, both glad and
sorry. I must  admit that I built, piece by piece, the wall that
kept us apart. On New  Earth he'd begun to wear it down, patient
as water smoothing stone. But  he ran out of time./

/Back on Voyager, he watched me restore all the sharply defined 
protocols that made up the barrier. Respected my boundaries.
Honored his  promise to ease my burdens. And kept his opinions
to himself. Perhaps he did  see Kashyk as confirmation that the
wall would never be breached or  vaulted. Chakotay certainly
made no secret of his dislike of the handsome  Devore Inspector,
or his distrust./

/Kashyk was a dangerous man. And that intrigued me, the subtle
threat  delivered in the guise of urbane discourse. I wondered
what he was like  without the mask. We plotted together and
against each other. We  flirted and, I thought, began unspoken
negotiations for more. Yet we only  kissed once, when we knew
that single touch of lips would be all we ever  shared. He had
suddenly withdrawn from our personal bargaining table.  Why?
Another abrupt change for reasons I have never discerned,
despite  the perspective time and distance brings. I doubt I
ever will./

END LOG

************************************************************
************************************************************

Tom Paris walked the halls, alone in the stillness of Voyager's
night.  He moved along the lower decks, mapping the ship with
his measured  gait.

It had been four days since he broke up with B'Elanna. He'd
stayed in  Chakotay's office a long time after the older man
left, acknowledging  truths that had lain buried for five long
years. Then he'd headed  straight to his lover.

The two had talked until the next day's shift started. About the
past  and the future, about their hopes and dreams and feelings.
He'd been so  afraid, unwilling to hurt the tender, vulnerable
woman who lived within  the fierce warrior. B'Elanna meant so
much to him, but he knew that  their relationship was born of
honesty. She had to know of the lie he'd  been living, one so
well constructed that even he had been deceived.

She let him go. Without recriminations or regrets. B'Elanna,
too,  remembered his time in the Maquis. A part of her had
always wondered if Tom  could ever find lasting happiness in her
arms. And whether she would be  truly contented in his. She was
taking some time now for herself, to  decide what she wanted
from life, and love.

After some soul searching, Tom had his own answers. He knew what
he  needed, and wanted. That his goals would be difficult to
achieve didn't  faze him. Tom felt renewed, invigorated by the
world-altering  revelations. It was as though the long-hidden
part of himself had shaken loose,  unblocking some wellspring of
hope and determination to fill him to  bursting.

He turned the corner and was shocked to come face to face with 
Chakotay. "You shouldn't be here," he blurted.

The older man nodded, as if some unspoken suspicion had been
confirmed.  "You're right, I'm usually about six corridors ahead
of you. But I  thought, if you agreed, that we might walk
together for a while."

Tom stared at Chakotay, unsuccessfully trying to see beyond the
surface  calm. He was surprised they'd met up in their nocturnal
wanderings.  Their last charged encounter, and Chakotay's
emphatic demands, had led him  to believe the older man would
continue to avoid him. He never imagined  Chakotay would seek
him out. "All right."

The two men fell into step, then walked in silence. Chakotay
broke it  with, "I'm sorry about you and B'Elanna."

Tom sent a sideways glance. He should have known. Chakotay
probably  wanted to stay curled up in the shadows, licking his
wounds. But the  counselor, the honorable man and, he hoped, the
friend, would never leave  this to fester between them. "You
weren't to blame."

"I can't help thinking I am. As a catalyst, if not a cause." He
briefly  met Tom's eyes. "She was anxious that I not pound you
into the ground  for hurting her."

"Little did she know that you'd be beating up yourself instead."
Tom  sighed. "How is she?"

"Surprisingly well. We talked. She knows, thanks to you, that
she can  love and be loved. And that having the relationship end
doesn't mean she  wasn't worthy. Right now she just wants to be
by herself, until she  chooses otherwise." He looked away, then
back. "How are you?"

"Over the shock. I feel as though I've been looking in the
mirror for  years, but I hadn't really seen myself until that
night in your office."

Chakotay stopped. "I should never have said the things I did.
I'm truly  sorry, Tom."

"Don't be. You were right." Tom turned and began walking again,
the  other man keeping pace. "Not about everything, of course.
But you did tell  the truth about me."

He fell silent for a dozen steps, gathering his thoughts. "I
wasn't  even aware I was hiding from myself. When you said what
you did, something  clicked. I realized that all of my
relationships since prison, even  with B'Elanna, were just a
smokescreen. I *can't* be happy with a woman,  not long term.
That's probably why I never gave my heart to any of  them." He
shook his head. "I never even told B'Elanna I loved her."

"Maybe unconsciously, you were trying to be honest," Chakotay 
suggested.

"I'd like to think so. Because I do love B'Elanna, but not the
way she  deserves."

"I know what you mean," Chakotay said reflectively, then his
voice  turned brisk. "So, if all is right with your world, why
are you out walking  the decks at 0200?"

"You. I know you want me to stay out of your life, Chakotay, but
I  can't." Tom shrugged. "I'm trying not to be so obvious about
it but...I  need to know you're okay."

"Tom, you can't keep trailing after me until the small hours of
the  morning. If for no other reason than we can't have a zombie
at Voyager's  helm."

Tom gave a wry smile. "And it's not so bad for the First Officer
to be  sleep-deprived? I guess you can't do too much damage if
you doze off  over a report." He sobered. "It's been too long,
Chakotay. Your body  can't take much more of this. Pretty soon
the Doc is going to get  involved."

Chakotay didn't respond. When he left Tom four nights ago he had
spent  hours simply trying to keep his head above the black sea
of regrets and  shattered dreams the younger man's words had
plunged him into. Now his  calm had returned, and with it the
fog that insulated him from  memories, thoughts, feelings,
anything that would disturb the fragile peace.

He had been so determined to push Tom away. Why was he now even 
considering opening up to the younger man? It could cost him the
only  protection he had against the ugliness that fueled his
nightmares.

"I know, but...I dream," he finally admitted. "I'm so grateful
to wake  up, I walk to make myself tired so I *have* to go back
to sleep."  Chakotay sighed. "The Doctor's tried to help.
Sedatives don't stop the  images, they just make me feel trapped
in them."

"I don't suppose you'd let me crash on your couch, just to keep
an eye  on things." Tom's voice was resigned.

"No, I wouldn't. The point is for you to get back to sleep, in
your own  bed, and stay there." Chakotay stopped and faced the
blond. "Now  promise me, no more midnight strolls."

Tom surprised him with an easy victory. "I will, if you do
something  for me."

Chakotay's stance was wary, on edge. "What?"

"I need to go to my cabin first. Come with me, please." The
earnestness  of the blue eyes drew Chakotay forth, despite his
misgivings. He  followed in silence as they traveled to Deck
Four and Tom's quarters.

He keyed in the door code. As it opened, he said, "I'll just be
a  moment."

Curious and now slightly anxious, Chakotay entered and hovered
just out  of range of the door sensors. He watched Tom disappear
into the  bedroom, and return with a teddy bear the size of a
1-year-old. It was made in  an old-fashioned style, with a long
nose and floppy loose limbs. The  fur was chocolate-milk brown,
which set off the bright black eyes.

"This," Tom held the stuffed toy out to Chakotay, who
reluctantly  cradled it, "is Alfred. He's named after Batman's
butler."

Tom looked down to his shuffling feet, suddenly shy. "If you
don't  know, Batman was a fictional 20th-century superhero with
a pretty dark  past. Alfred would patch Batman up after a fight,
give him a pep talk when  he was down, listen to his fears---and
keep safe all his secrets."

He shrugged. "It sounds silly, but Alfred helped me with my
nightmares  after I came aboard." He suddenly grinned, "And he's
the soul of  discretion."

A pale hand lifted to stroke the bear, but Chakotay darted away, 
startled. The older man flushed in embarrassment and tried to
hand it back.  "I don't need---"

"I know, you don't need a toy to help you sleep. But...take
Alfred,  please, Chakotay. I need to know you're not alone."
Sincere blue eyes  stared into uncertain brown.

Chakotay rubbed one finger against the soft fur, and loosened 
ever-so-slightly his death grip on the grayness, letting rueful
amusement sneak  underneath the blanket's edge. "Is this the
only way I'm going to get  rid of you?"

"You're never going to get rid of me, but I will promise not to
follow  you around the ship anymore." Tom shrugged. "That's my
best offer."

Chakotay sighed. "Computer, how many crewmembers are between
this  location and my quarters?"

"There are no biosignatures registering in the indicated halls
or  turbolifts at this time."

Chakotay moved toward the door. "Remember your promise, Tom.
Stay put  from now on."

Tom's voice and eyes were serious. "I remember all my promises
to you,  Chakotay. Make sure you do the same."

Chakotay nodded silently, then left, carrying the toy. Tom
headed off  to bed, content for the moment.

*******************************************************
*******************************************************

Harry Kim stirred the current Delta Quadrant equivalent of
oatmeal and  waited for Tom to arrive. He was awash in
confusion. His anchors in  Voyager's uncertain journey were no
longer so secure.

Tom and B'Elanna were still his friends, but the two were no
longer  lovers. But they were still friends. And neither half of
the former couple  had really explained what happened.

Harry's reverie was interrupted by the plonk of his fellow
ensign's  tray on the table. "Hi Harry," Tom said, even
more...there was no other  word for it, happy...than the day
before.

"You're in a good mood," Harry responded, trying to decide if it
was  some kind of act.

"I slept like a baby, from the end of shift all night through."
Tom  grinned and surreptitiously scanned the room, a
now-established habit.

"I didn't know that was a cause for celebration."

"You'd be surprised, Har, how little it takes to brighten my
day." The  blond's voice was as soft as his expression.

"So tell me. Please, Tom," the younger man said earnestly, "I
really  need to understand all this. What's happened with you
and B'Elanna?"

Tom sobered and looked into the bewildered black eyes across
from him.  "All right, but you have to keep an open mind." He
leaned forward,  dropping his voice. "Harry, I broke up with
B'Elanna because...I'm gay."

"What!" was a shocked whisper. "How? You've never *been* with a
guy,  Tom. In five years, I've only seen you with women. You've
only talked  about women. How can you sit there and tell me
you're gay."

"You're right. Technically, I'm bi. I've been denying that part
of  myself for a long time. But the rock-bottom truth is, if
given a choice,  I'd always go with a man. For lust, for love."
Tom gestured. "For a quick  fuck or a lifelong bond. After I
recognized the whole of my sexuality,  women were second
choice."

Harry was stunned. "And you just figured this out a few days
ago? What  about B'Elanna?"

"No, I was just reminded, or allowed myself to remember...it's
too  complicated to explain. As for B'Elanna, she knew all about
it. That's  probably why she agreed to call it quits so easily."
Tom looked at Harry.  "I do love her, but just as a friend. We
probably shouldn't have taken  that next step at all."

Harry squinted at the pilot, judging his sincerity. His face
grew  worried. "This isn't because of me, right?"

Tom almost laughed at his friend's expression. "No, you're not
my type.  But," he laid a hand on Harry's arm, suddenly serious,
"are you going  to be okay with this?"

Harry looked at the anxious face in front of him and smiled. He
was  mistaken. His anchors were still firmly grounded, the links
intact. "We're  best friends, Tom. Nothing's going to change
that. Besides," he  shrugged, "if B'Elanna doesn't have a
problem with this, how could I? I'm  supposed to be the
reasonable one in this group."

Tom squeezed his friend's arm, then sat back and ate his
breakfast.  They would be just fine.

*****************

Chakotay quickly made the bed, pulling the sheets taut to hide
the  wrinkles. He settled the cover and pillows in place, then
turned to the  bedside cabinet.

Resting against the lamp base was Alfred. The dark-haired man
picked up  the toy and looked into the twinkling black eyes. "I
don't know how you  do it," he whispered and shook his head.
After giving the toy an quick  squeeze he hastily set it at the
head of the bed, still a little  embarrassed.

Alfred didn't keep away the nightmares, not by a long shot. But
he did,  in some inexplicable way, make it easier to cope.
Though the images and  memories were as horrific as ever, on
some level Chakotay could feel  the bear in his arms and it
reminded him that it was all just a dream.  He'd already
survived Kashyk, and would continue to do so. Or maybe it  was
just that Alfred was Tom's, and a tangible sign that Chakotay
wasn't  alone. Someone knew, and cared, and understood.

*****************

The EMH heaved a heartfelt sigh of relief as he checked his
latest  readings. He'd been surreptitiously monitoring the
Commander since Kashyk  left, and had found himself on the horns
of a dilemma. Biologically,  Chakotay had shown signs of
lingering exhaustion. But there had been no  lapses in the
performance of his duties, and outwardly there was little 
indication of his suffering.

The Doctor wanted to let someone else know of the First
Officer's  condition and what had disturbed his rest. On the
other hand, he didn't want  to betray his patient's
confidentiality, or trust, without a better  reason than his own
lingering guilt.

For weeks, he stood by silently as Chakotay continued as if
nothing had  happened. The only visible symptom was reduced
appetite, and that could  easily be explained away by Neelix's
cooking. Though the EMH was  certain subtler clues were there,
they were beyond his ken. His programming  was sophisticated,
but he'd had little experience with such deliberate  trauma, or
its aftermath.

He had finally decided enough was enough, he was going to the
Captain,  when Chakotay's vitals began to improve. The upswing
was gradual, but  it was a beginning. He would keep his eyes
open, and continue to keep  his mouth shut. He owed Chakotay no
less.

*******************************************************
*******************************************************

Tom stepped onto the holodeck and let the doors slide shut
behind him.  He was on a beach at the final edge of sunset, the
waves an endless  cascade against the sand, the slightest of
breezes stirring the long thin  grasses on the dunes. He waited
to be absorbed into the moment, then  headed for a lone figure
sitting in the distance.

As his sneakers crunched, marking his trail, Tom recalled that
it was  an anniversary of sorts. Five weeks A.K., After Kashyk.
He fervently  hoped that the damage done by that monster someday
faded enough that he  would no longer feel a need to measure
time by him.

Tom let the wind and water soothe his troubled spirit. He had
been  caught in a complex mix of emotions since his late-night
stroll with  Chakotay. Since then, the older man seemed to be
slowly struggling back to  his true self, as opposed to the
simulacrum he'd been all the days  before.

The First Officer was still doing his job, still presenting an
assured  front, but on a personal level there were differences.
Chakotay began  spending time with just one or two friends,
rather than hiding alone or  in crowds. He had stopped those
quick, jumpy spins when people came up  behind him. His body had
relaxed somewhat into its customary supple  glide. Not many
changes, but a start.

Unfortunately, those encouraging signs had been accompanied by a 
deliberate withdrawal from Tom himself. Chakotay seemed to be
even more  determined to avoid his company. His forays into the
Commander's files were  firmly blocked. The computer had even
stopped informing him when  Chakotay left his cabin. He was on
edge wondering if it was because that  program was also
disabled, or if Chakotay was finally sleeping through the 
night.

Three days of the pull between hope and anguish had stretched
Tom tight  as a bowstring. Before he snapped, he'd received an
odd message from  the computer. "Commander Chakotay is located
in Holodeck Two. Entry  authorization for Ensign Paris will
commence in one hour." Those sixty  minutes felt like the
longest of his life.

Tom reached Chakotay, who was sitting barefoot on the sand, the
breeze  rippling the linen of his off-duty clothes. The powerful
arms rested  lightly on his upraised knees. "Hello," Tom said
softly, obeying the hush  of twilight.

Dark eyes turned up to him. Tom didn't know whether to be
honored or  distressed when he realized the older man chose not
to hide their pain  from him.

"Hello, Tom. I wanted to thank you, for Alfred."

The blond head nodded. "I hoped he was helping when the computer
didn't  wake me the last few days to tell me you'd hit the
decks."

He shrugged at Chakotay's raised eyebrows. "Hey, I only promised
not to  roam the halls. I can worry about you all I like, as
long as I do it in  the confines of my cabin."

Chakotay shifted to look at the water. "That's the other thing I
need  to tell you. Now that you've done your share, you must
leave me be. I  have to heal on my own." He sighed. "When are
you going to understand  that you can't be a part of this?"

"When you give me a good enough reason." Tom agitatedly launched 
himself across the sand, striding back and forth in front of
Chakotay. "And I  have yet to hear one. Mind my own business
because I'm not a counselor?  Maybe I'm not, but I can still
listen. Don't get involved so I won't  lose B'Elanna? We are the
friends we always should have been, so that's  no longer an
issue. Back off because you're just fine? Yeah right."

He paused. "Stay out of your life because you say so? Never. If
for no  other reason, than because I owe you, Chakotay. You were
there for me  when I needed it."

Tom resumed his pacing, crossing his own footprints in the sand.
"Do  you know the moment you really helped me, when everything
fell into  place? It wasn't the night I showed up at your
quarters half-drunk on the  whisky it took to get my courage up.
The night I told you about Auckland  and you let me cry on your
shoulder. When you rocked me and talked to  me and watched over
me as I slept on your couch."

Tom slowed and smiled softly in reminiscence. "It was the next
morning,  on the bridge. When you treated me the same as you
always had. As a  fellow officer. A fellow man. You even dressed
me down for mouthing off.  But there was no contempt or pity
when you looked at me, just a greater  respect. You accepted me,
all of my past, without hesitation. It didn't  make me any less
in your eyes, or different."

He dropped to the ground beside the still figure. "I'm sorry,
but I  can't do the same for you, Chakotay. I can't treat you as
if nothing  happened, as if my feelings haven't changed. You
mean too much to me." His  fists clenched in frustration. "But
still you insist on pushing me away.  All I want to do is help.
I just wish you'd let me."

The older man's voice was quiet. "I won't, but not for the
reasons you  think. I know you're strong enough to handle
whatever I tell you. That  you've faced your own nightmares and
beaten them. But I don't want you  to get tangled up in mine."
He swallowed. "That night in my office you  weren't the only one
who realized he was hiding from the truth. I can't  let you help
me because I want you too much. It would be too easy to  get
lost in you, to use you as a distraction so I don't think about
him."

Chakotay turned to face Tom and opened his hands. "Please
understand,  Tom. You can't be my reward, or even my consolation
prize." Those  wounded eyes begged for acceptance. "It wouldn't
be fair to you. I have to be  able to stand on my own before I
reach out to someone else."

He dropped his gaze and turned away. "And I can't ask you to
wait for  me."

"You can't ask me, but I'll be waiting." Tom leaned forward to
peer  into dark pools still so full of shadows. "I love you."

"I know," Chakotay said sadly. "But I can't say how long it will
be  until I can love you, the way you deserve. Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe not for a  long time."

"I understand. But I don't care, Chakotay. I want you in my
life." The  older man had no response, so Tom shifted toward the
water, crossed his  arms over his raised knees and settled his
chin on them with a defeated  sigh. Silence fell between them,
broken only by the sound of the waves.

Then, Chakotay reached out a trembling hand to rest on Tom's
shoulder.  The younger man felt the warmth seep through cloth
and skin to spread  throughout his body. He slowly dropped his
head to the side, closing his  eyes and rubbing his cheek
against the strong fingers.

After a long moment Tom straightened and looked forward once
more. The  hand stayed.

As the stars came out and the moon rose, the two men sat and
watched  the sea.

TBC