Funeral

Saying "Good-bye" to baby Jayden is something that I not only don't understand, but I also will never fully accept. He will always be with me, and though not in the same way anymore, he will live on...in our hearts, and through his twin brother. I gave the eulogy at his funeral, because I didn't feel like anyone else knew him well enough to talk about him, and also because I wanted to share with everyone how I felt and most importantly, because he deserved it. I am and always will be his Mommy. The pastor also spoke and did a wonderful job, but I would like to share with you what I said at the funeral:

"First of all, I would like to thank you all for your continued love, prayers and support. I just have some things that I would like to say in Baby Jayden's honor. While I was pregnant, I was so proud of our sons. People would laugh because I would show complete strangers the ultrasound pictures. I didn't think I could ever be more proud. I was wrong...

Baby Jayden didn't just touch the lives of family, he touched everyone that met him. As one of the many nurses he attracted put it, "He really got under your skin." So much so that the nurses that took care of him would call to check on him when they weren't working, and would leave their shift with tear-filled eyes. They said it was normal for ONE nurse to get attached to ONE baby, but in little Jayden's case, it was anyone that he met. He had a way of wrapping them around his tiny little finger.

When we were trying to think of names for our sons, Brett wanted a big strong name. We couldn't agree, and I argued that the boys wouldn't be all that big. I was only thinking of physical appearance. I couldn't have asked for a stronger son. His doctor described him as "tougher than nails" and "a real fighter." He was right. And now I will think of strength everytime I hear Baby Jayden's name.

I've heard over and over that everything happens for a reason. I will never understand that logic in this case, but I cannot do anything to change it. So now, I can only focus on the 4 weeks that we had together and keep him in my heart and hope that he knew how much I love him, and just how proud of him I am."

My husband and I carried Baby Jayden to his grave. It was his only day outside of the hospital, and we wanted him to carry him. It was a pretty day outside, and I was glad that the sun shone down on him on his one day outside...*sigh* The picture to the left was the day of the funeral. I knew I wouldn't want the pictures on this page for a while, but someday I would want to look back and know that I have them, so we took pictures, and though painful, I am glad to have them.