Jokes
Disclaimer: This is just a list of jokes that get sent to me from time-to-time. I do not make these jokes up, so don't tell me about the ones that aren't very funny. I also do not forward every joke I get via e-mail, but sometimes I like to "re-tell" the joke. This is why I made this page. If you get offended by any of these jokes, quit reading them. Heck, I might even setup categories one of these days. Enjoy...
Table of Contents
Two-Cow Explanation of What Makes....
Ever Wonder....
Stupid Consumer Labels
The Hitch Hiker
The Lecture
How Women Use Words
Irish Jokes
"TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES...
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you
to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then
take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel
righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and
build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the
milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops
dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what
a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You
charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership
with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American
corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them
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EVER WONDER...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing
liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for
the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
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In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed
because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods.
...On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (but that's the only
time I have to work on my hair).
...On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
...On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be how???....)
...On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
...On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn
upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh?)!
...On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)
...On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)
...On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)
...On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)
...On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (as opposed to...what?)
...On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
...On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)
...On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
...On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
...I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark
night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars
passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet
ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the
door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started
slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't
come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand
appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy,
paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time
before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the
nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked
for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped
everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina,
and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the character who
climbed into the car while we were pushing."
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
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Misogyny vs. Reality
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I'll bet you that after reading this, most women will label this little bit is pure misogyny, while most men will report it's a simple case of reality
What do you say?
Words That Women Use
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say, "You're welcome."
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
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I've Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
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"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here
that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic
Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
***************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!
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