The Problems of Goodbye
Etain was sitting up in bed, holding her knees. The time to leave New Byzantium and resume her life elsewhere had nearly arrived. And she still hadn�t sorted things out with Aemilius. He had been good for her these last few years. Ariane had been right that she needed to let her hair down occasionally, she needed experience with men and love in all it�s forms. A stable, supportive, understanding partner was a lot better than a sequence of one night stands. But getting involved had a price, and that price was due.
Aemilius stirred beside her. A few moments to wake himself up, and then he was holding her. She would miss that, so much. �Etain...�
She interrupted, hoping to forestall the coming argument. �I want me to promise me two things. First, that you won�t regret our time together�
�I know I won�t�
�And that you�ll let me go. Completely. You won�t try to find me. You�ll accept the situation, get on with your life. Find someone who�s right for you.�
�Etain, I can�t promise that. I won�t let you just walk out of my life...I want you to marry me�
�You ask that, now ?� she can�t believe it.
�I�ve tried everything else. I want to be with you. What more could I offer ? If I didn�t ask now would I get another chance ?�
�No, you wouldn�t. But it can�t be. I can�t accept�
�I love you, you love me, why can�t we marry, why do I have to lose you ?�
In truth, she loved him too much and not enough. Too much to just vanish. Not enough to subordinate her needs to his, become the wife he needed, hide what she was. Too much to take him into her world, where he would be reduced to a bemused onlooker at best, at worst more a pet than a full human being.
�I�ll sleep on it�, she answers, although her mind is already made up. �But first...� her lips find his. �No more talk...�.
Etain pulled herself out of bed and quickly dressed in the clothes she�d chosen. There was no risk of waking Aemilius. After the night�s activity he should be sleeping for hours, but just to make sure she�d gotten a sleep charm from her mother. Still her plan would take time to execute. It was unpleasant, some would call it a nasty trick, at best it was �being cruel to be kind�. And the requirements were very precise and difficult to fulfill. But she had to give him his freedom. It was all she could do.
Passing the dressing table she noticed the silver combs he�d given her two Saturnalias ago. She hadn�t planned on taking anything. But...she couldn�t bring herself to leave them. She picked them up, stuffing them into a pocket.
Many hours later Aemilius awoke. The bright sunlight told him that he�d overslept. There was nobody in the bed with him. Afraid that she�d already gone he looked around. No, the suitcase was still there, open on the floor. He walked around the apartment, looking. She was on the balcony. sitting facing the sunrise, not moving, not reacting to his presence.
The doctors said it was some disease he�d never heard of. A rare genetic defect, one that carried a risk of sudden death at a young age. One that couldn�t be cured by the medicine of the day. Better treatments were coming, but still in the experimental stage. Aemilius decided she must have known it was coming. That was what she had tried to hide from him. She�d made a will, leaving him more money than he�d known she had. She�d left a note with it.
Aemilius my love,
If you�re reading this, then I am gone. My time in this world is at an end. If you owe me anything it is this: To live your life well. I want you to be happy. Find yourself a wife. Have children with her. Grow old together. Be happy. I can�t be that woman, but she�s out there somewhere. Go find her.
Remember me with fondness
Etain
But he never found her silver combs.