Chapter 2 The Best Thing {JB}

by Victoria L. on January 09, 19100 at 15:00:50:

Hello, everyone! You guys really seemed to like this one, so I thought I'd give you guys another chapter of this before I post "All I Want." A lot of you are anxious to find out what Brenda's going to do in that one, so I thought I'd post it next. It's not written yet though, so I thought I'd give you guys this to tide you over. : ) Please leave a reply.
Victoria L.

Chapter 2

"I have a feeling this meeting will be enlightening for you," he said, putting a hand at the small of her back and gently leading her towards the room. "But of course, if you don't think you're up to it, you can go anytime." He was challenging her, was he?

"You don't have to give me permission to leave," she said through clinched teeth, "I know I can go anytime." Jax was all too familiar with her state of mind. He'd seen it enough in the people in Group. He guessed that this was the first time since her husband's death that she'd felt any kind of emotion, and now she was feeling so much anger, she was beginning to overreact.

Brenda closed her eyes as she walked into the room. She imagined the typical semi-circle of chairs, everyone looking at her, sharing their feelings, cutting her private emotions open for the world to see. She hated them before she saw any of them. But when she saw the room, she was surprised. There were about 15 people, all from different walks of life, all different races, all apparently in different situations. She couldn't believe her eyes when she saw the comfortable couches, pillow cushions thrown on the floor, and normal looking chairs lined against the back wall. She chose one of these 'normal' chairs closest to the door for the easiest escape should she regret her decision. Brenda immediately noticed when the man, whatever his name was, she'd forgotten it already, removed his hand from her. He took off his coat and reached for hers, but she shook her head. "I'm cold," she said quietly. He nodded softly, moving to the front of the room, giving a gentle hug here, a strong handshake there, smiling all the while. "Great," Brenda mumbled to herself. She doubted any of these people really understood her pain. How could they? They'd betrayed the memory of the ones they loved by sharing their secrets and emotions with a roomful of strangers. These people weren't unhappy like she was. There were no tears, no circles under the eyes, no mismatched socks, or messed up hair that betrayed their worn mental state. These people didn't look troubled at all. What could any of them, especially the blonde up front, know about the kind of grief she was going through?

She took a deep breath and looked around the room once more, trying to find a kindred spirit among them. There was an older woman, in her late 60s perhaps, sitting off to herself, clutching a Bible and a cup of coffee. She looked nice enough, but she was in a world of her own. A few feet away from her, was a strong looking black woman, dressed for success, a smile on her face, and a loud, merry laugh. She sat next to a Hispanic gentleman with a salt and pepper beard. The two appeared close, and shared a joke with a pale, sickly young woman with mouse-brown hair, and a worn green sweater. Brenda glanced across to the other side of the room. An Asian man in his 30s was quietly reading a newspaper, waiting for the meeting to begin. He'd shaken hands with the blonde man when he walked in, and was now again concentrating on worldly events. Brenda scanned the room for someone that 'looked' like her, and she found someone quickly. A woman with dark hair, bright lips, and long fingernails was carrying on a lively conversation with a young black man that had earrings in one ear, several piercings on his face, and one in his tongue. Brenda turned away, disgusted at first, but then she looked back at him with curiosity, longing to know what they could be discussing that was so funny.

The two of them, obviously from different worlds altogether, sitting here talking as though they'd been friends for life. Brenda was just gathering up the strength to move over to them and listen in on their conversation, underneath the guise of getting a cup of coffee, when the blonde man spoke, ushering them all to a couch or the floor or a chair. The young black man in leather pants with earrings sat two seats away from Brenda, and she felt bad for her initial reaction, which was to grab her purse, cross her legs, and turn away from him. She wanted to take it back, but when the man cleared his throat loudly, and moved to sit next to the woman with the nails, she decided to just get up and leave, but then she heard it.

She heard his voice, speaking so loudly and clearly, she was intrigued.

"Welcome everyone," he said looking at all of them with a personal closeness and warmth. "Well, it seems that it's a milestone for me." A few sighs could be heard around the room, but most were drowned out by clapping. Brenda wondered what milestone he was talking about. Jax cleared his throat and began to speak. "It's the six month anniversary of my coming here and sharing these meetings with you. To sort of commemmorate this day, and for some new visitors we have here tonight," he said, looking all around the room, and never once at Brenda, "I thought it would be good for me to share my story once again. After that, I thought we could go around, introduce ourselves, and tell a little bit about why we're all here." Everyone nodded except for a few people. The young black man with the earrings sat stoically, and the mousy young woman with the pale skin began to shake a bit. Brenda guessed that she really wasn't the only new one here tonight.

She focused back in on the blonde man with the strange accent she was just now noticing, as he began to speak. "Seven months ago," he began slowly, "my wife Marian, died, giving birth to our second child, Jasmine. She left me to raise my four year old daughter Victoria and my little one. At the time, I thought I'd lose my mind, trying to take care of two little girls in the absence of the only woman I'll ever love. I didn't know how to braid hair, or which dresses to pick out for them." He chuckled to himself. "Can you believe I didn't even know what size my eldest daughter was?" A somber look came across his face. "She was taken so suddenly, you know. Shoe shopping became a real experience, as did grocery shopping, and school, and life in general. I had to take a few weeks off from work so I could get myself together. It didn't help much though, because I couldn't even put a thought together in my head. I was just going through the motions. I wasn't there for my daughters. I didn't know how to take care of them. I let my sister do everything for me.

I didn't recognize my daughter's pain, I didn't think she was old enough to understand. I still don't know if she fully grasps the fact that her mother is gone. I'm not sure I do. It hasn't even been a year yet, and sometimes I feel like she's been gone for an eternity." A few people around the room were nodding in agreement with him. "I miss her so," he said sobbing. He cried for a few minutes, and Brenda had to fight back tears of her own. Part of her was angry at him for losing control of his emotions, the other part of her was angry at herself for being so awful and thinking he didn't understand. She didn't know how she'd make it if she had Jody, plus a newborn and try to deal with losing Daniel as well. She knew she could do it, as she was barely hanging on now. She instantly felt guilty as Jax went on. "I'm a little better at things now. My Victoria finally talks to me again. She stopped for a while." He looked at the woman with the fingernails and smiled. "I don't know what I'd do without her aunt to help me sometimes. I wish that Jasmine had the memories of her mother that Victoria does, but it breaks my heart that those memories are going to be gone for her too, someday, because they're both so very young. I wish there was something I could do for them, but I know that all I can do is love them and cherish them, and make sure they know there's nothing wrong with remembering their mother, and that no matter what happens, no one will replace them or their mother in my heart. I have to put them and myself first, because I'm no good to anyone if I'm not together, right?"

A few affirmative responses could be heard throughout the room. "It's not my fault she's gone," he said. "And there's nothing I could have done to bring her back." Brenda wasn't so sure she agreed with that. If she had gone out for the ice cream, instead of Daniel, he'd be the one sitting here right now. But then that might mean that she could also be the one dead. Did she want that? Oh, she didn't know what she wanted anymore.

"I'm going to have to move on in my life," Jax continued, "but that doesn't mean that I love her any less, or that she has any less of a place in my heart. I'll always love her. She is the mother of my children. I'm good," he said nodding, and smiling for the first time since he began talking. "I'm good and I'm only going to get better." There was a comfortable silence as the blonde man took a sip of water and spoke again. "All right," he said, "let's start with you, shall we?" He pointed to the young man sitting next to the woman with the fingernails. The black man looked as if he might cry for a moment, then spoke.

"My name's Andre," he said.

"Hi, Andre," was the collective response.

"I own my own recording studio," he said, giving Brenda a look, "and I have a son that's 2 years old. My lover died a few weeks ago, right here in General Hospital. He died of AIDS." The look on the man's face betrayed his feelings. He was expecting rejection from them, but he got none. He sighed, and then said, "I'm glad to be here. Real glad." As the conversation went on, Brenda learned that the strong looking black woman in the power suit had lost her husband and her oldest son to gang violence when they lived in Manhatten. She moved here with her youngest daughter and her other daughter was in college at Port Charles University. The Hispanic man had lost his wife to a car accident, similar to Brenda's Daniel. She couldn't help but feel an instant camaraderie with him. The little old woman had lost her husband over 20 years ago, and had been attending meetings longer than any of them. She didn't have a grandmotherly feel to her, though. She was feisty, and opinonated. Brenda liked her instantly. When it was the mousy woman's turn to speak, Brenda couldn't hear her at first.

"My name's April," she said. "I--I wasn't married when James died, but we were engaged. I had my wedding dress," she said, a hint of happiness on her lips. He died in a surfing accident. I didn't get a chance to tell him I was pregnant." She looked as if she wanted to say something else, but she didn't. "That--that's all," she said, waving her hand.

"Well," the woman with the nails said, "I guess it's my turn. My name is Lois Jacks-Ashton. My Ned killed himself a little over four years ago. We'd just found out that we couldn't have children because of some personal difficulties he and I had, he had a lot of pressure on him at work see, but he was really an artist, and the office was the last place on earth where he wanted to be. But he felt the need to please his family, and me, and he just got bumped to the end of a very long and demanding list. I guess it just all got to be too much for him, so he gave up. I--I was pregnant, but I miscarried."

There was another silence, but this time, it was anythig but comfortable. Jax took the opportunity then to clear his throat and point to Brenda.

"What about you? Do you have anything you'd like to share?" Brenda looked around as if he wasn't speaking to her. But she realized that she couldn't keep her feelings to herself when all of these people had shared such personal, private information. She'd just say it and get it over with. No big deal, right?

"Three weeks ago, my husband Daniel was killed in a car accident," she said in a rush. "We have a son, Jody, he's 2. He--he went out for icecream," Brenda said in disbelief. "Just stupid icecream." She had been looking down in her lap, but now she looked at the blonde man. "He's dead," she said. "I've never said that before, but he is. He's really and truly gone." Brenda thought for a moment that she might give in to her feelings, but she didn't. She put on a brave front and survived the rest of the meeting.

The blonde man, whose name she learned was "Jax," talked about guilt and blame. Survivor's guilt, and being angry at those who left us behind. Being angry with ourselves, and with those that didn't seem to be as effected by a loved one's passing as we were. Brenda identified with a little of what he was saying, but she didn't dare let herself feel completely.

By the end of the meeting, she was exhausted, and all she wanted was her own bed and her child in her arms. She got up from her seat, her shoulders slumping slightly, and sought out the blonde man to apologize. He was hugging Lois, his sister apparently, and shaking hands with the young black man, Andre. She was tempted to leave them to their conversation, but he suddenly broke away and headed for his coat. She heard him say something about being late for some dinner with someone.

Brenda took the opportunity to approach him then.

"Oh, hello," he said pleasantly. She knew then he'd act as though nothing happened.

"I'm so sorry," she said desperately. "I had no idea."

"Most don't," he said seriously. "I wear it well. It's all right, though. I understand."

"I have a feeling you do," she whispered, hoping he hadn't heard her. He had. She stared up at him a moment, just looking at those eyes and getting the first glimpse of comfort since Daniel passed. "I--I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted back there. I--I didn't mean what I said."

"Of course you did," he said. "Otherwise, you wouldn't have said them. But because I understand, and I am such a gentleman, I will forgive you." She laughed out loud at him, and shocked herself, putting a hand to her cheek.

"Wow, never though I'd do that again."

"I can sneak up on you," he said. "Look, I was just on my way out of here, but--"

"Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard you say you were having dinner with someone."

"Actually, no. That was just an excuse to get out of here. I don't do milestones really well. That was just a front that you saw."

"Really?" Brenda asked, surprised. "You really handled yourself in there. I'm surprised. How many milestones are there?"

"As many or as few as you'd like. There's no 12 steps to the grieving process, Mrs.--"

"Buchanan," Brenda said. "But please, call me Brenda."

"Brenda," he said easily, her name rolling off of his tongue. "As I was saying, you can never get over a person too quickly or too slowly. It's all up to that special organ in there." He lightly tapped her chest twice, his gaze never leaving hers. "Look, I was just about to go and get a cup of coffee, the kind in there isn't half decent--"

"Oh, is that because you didn't make it?" Brenda asked. He smiled.

"That's exactly why. Would you like to join me in the search for the perfect cup? I know a little Java House a few blocks away that's rumored to be the best in Port Charles."

"Really?" she said, raising her eyebrows. "That happens to be my little Java House, and we really are the best in Port Charles."

"Would you care to join me, then?" Brenda was two seconds from saying yes when her stomach did a flip flop, and her heart came up in her throat. What was she doing? What was he doing? Was he flirting with her as she suspected, or was he just being the nice guy she'd met earlier? Either way, she'd never find out, that's for sure.

"Actually, I'd just really like to get home to my son," she said. "I'm tired."

"Jody, right? Your son?" She nodded. "Well then, have a good evening. And I hope we'll see you again sometime." With that, he walked down the corridor, and got onto the elevator, her watching him all the while......