Past Mistakes, Future Hopes Chapter 9

by Lissie on December 20, 1999 at 23:56:18:

Hi all!

This will be my last post until January. My family and I are leaving for the holidays tomorrow and won't be back till sometime in the first week of January. Happy Holidays everyone!

{{{hugs}}}
Lissie

Chapter 9

The next morning Brenda got up early. She hadn’t been able to sleep. She couldn’t help but remember things. Things from her past that she had hoped she had buried. Memories of her father making her feel worthless. Unwanted. Unloved. That’s all she ever was to him and now he was gone. And she was grieving him, a man who hadn’t given a damn about her when she needed help. Dammit, he was her father. All she had ever wanted was a show of affection or something so that she would know she was wanted. But nothing. Once her mother had left, he never uttered a word to her unless he had to.

When she wasn’t thinking about her father, she was thinking about Jax. She thought about how he used to make her feel. How she wished she could always be a part of his family. How she had hurt him. How things would never be right with them. How would he get along with Jeffrey? She couldn’t get the picture out of her mind of his eyes asking for the truth. Asking why.

And Jeffrey. What was she going to say to Jeffrey in the morning?

No, sleep never did come to her that night. Her mind was too busy trying to figure out her life. The life she had made for herself, but one by one it seemed to be hurting everyone around her.

***

Jeffrey straightened his tie one more time while gazing at himself in the bathroom mirror. He’d tightened it numerous times already that morning. He figured that if he got it just right, his mother wouldn’t feel obligated to fix it. He didn’t want to deal with her hovering at the moment. He still had some thinking to do that a night of sleep hadn’t done much for him. Neither, had the sleep, since he hadn’t gotten any.

He had pretended to be asleep when his mother had checked on him and left the room. He had been awake when she had returned hours later. From the way she tossed and turned all night long, he knew that she hadn’t gotten any sleep either. She had dark circles under her eyes when he saw her this morning. He hoped she was able to get some rest later, he didn’t like it when she looked worn out and tired, it worried him.

“Jeffrey, are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, mom.” His tie would have to do for now he thought as he looked at it once again in the bathroom mirror.

His mother met him on the other side of the bathroom door with his suit jacket. “Here put this on, we really need to get going now,” she said and handed it to him. He wordlessly took, slipped it on, and watched her scramble around the hotel room throwing last minute items into her purse. When she finally said it was time to go he followed her out the door and held the elevator door open while she turned off the lights and locked the door to the room. When she was safely on the elevator he pushed the button to take them to the lobby.

“We were going to talk this morning, weren’t we?” he asked his mother. He may not want to talk yet, but the silence between them was starting to bother him.

“I’m sorry honey. We’ll have to talk later, we’ve been running late all morning.”

No they hadn’t he thought, just neither one of them knew what to say to the other. He had to say something to break the ice a little.

“Mom, do you love him?” So it was probably the hardest thing he could ask her, but it was something he had to know. It was not the question she was expecting he realized when she gave him a wary look.

“Love who, honey?”

“Jax.”

“I did.” Her answer was strained, as if she wasn’t sure if she wasn’t sure, she was saying the right thing. But she smiled at him when she gave her answer.

“Did he love you?”

“He said he did, and I believed him.” Again, she smiled when she gave him her answer. Then she looked like she was somewhere else thinking of a time long ago, before he was around.

So they had loved each other. She had loved him, and he her. This gave him hope that both his parents could have loved him if things had turned out differently. He knew his mother loved him, but he had always wondered about his father. Had he loved his mother? And if so would he have loved him? Sometimes he had wondered that since his mother’s father hadn’t been keen on loving that was one of the reasons she had left. She was afraid that Jax wouldn’t be a good father and was protecting him from the fate she had had with her father. He really had no idea why things were the way they were, just that he had rationalized them a certain way. His mother had loved Jax. That was one thing he had always been sure of, but in his mind he had made Jax as someone who hadn’t completely loved his mother. But now that he had met him, he wasn’t so sure. For one thing he liked the guy, and he had been determined to hate him for letting his mother go and from keeping him from having a family with a mother and a father. Now that he knew his father he wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted, of even if he wanted a father at all. He’d gotten along without him fine so far.

Julia and Jerry almost immediately greeted them when the elevator arrived at the lobby.

“Hey Jeffrey, you’re looking good there,” Julia said.

“Thanks,” he answered as he watched his mother look around the lobby.

“Is Jax coming?” his mother asked when she was done glancing around the room.

“He’ll meet us there later,” Julia reassured her.

His mother nodded an answer.

“You holding up, Jules?” his mother asked her sister.

“As good as I ever will at this point. How about you?”

“About the same.”

He watched the two sisters embrace and glanced over at Jerry, who was doing the same.

“We should get going.” Jerry said after taking a quick glance at his wrist watch.

The left with Jerry guiding Julia by the shoulders and Jeffrey his mother by her shoulders.

“Thank you.” She said at his comforting gesture.

***

True to his word, Jax did meet them at the funeral home later. He was there right before it started. He took a seat a few rows back from them. The first few pews had been reserved for family, and he wasn’t family. The rest of his family, however, was family and was sitting in the front pew. He watched them from afar. He watched Jerry with his arm around Julia, Jeffrey with his arm around Brenda, and Brenda and Julia clutching each other’s hands. He couldn’t keep his eyes off the front pew even when the preacher was speaking, or when a couple of friends of Harlan’s were speaking, or even when Julia delivered a moving eulogy. His eyes never left Brenda and Jeffrey. There must be some injustice in the world when a daughter sat and grieved a father who hadn’t given a damn about her.

***

She knew Jax was there. She’d seen him when he came in and sat down behind them a few rows back. He should have been the one up here with Julia and Jerry, she realized. He was the one that had been in their lives, not her. He was the one who should have been there helping Jerry comfort Julia. He was more family to any of these people than she was. But Julia had insisted that Brenda be with her. The Barrett sisters were going to be there for each other. Julia, Brenda realized, was not going to let her out of her sight again. She was determined to keep her sister near her as much as possible. But Julia had also said that Jax was family, and he should be with them. But it was he that had declined. She didn’t blame him if he felt awkward being in her presence. She had, no matter how long ago, killed his heart once. Sitting at a funeral next to her was probably not something he wanted to do.

***

After the funeral, Brenda milled around the reception, which was held at the Grille. Most people welcomed her back into town and offered their condolences to her for her father. She found herself being reacquainted with old friends that she’d never thought she would see again. If the circumstances weren’t so depressing, she may have enjoyed herself. But since they weren’t she only wanted it to be over.

When the reception was over, she didn’t have anytime to relax or try to talk things out with Jeffrey. Daddy’s lawyer had arranged for the hearing of the will to be in Julia and Jerry’s suite when the reception was over. The reading was something was something that she was dreading. She knew there couldn’t be any good come of it. Daddy had made it clear to her that he was going to disinherit her, so there wasn’t even going to be an acknowledgement that she was his daughter and that he cared at all for her. She already knew Daddy’s estate would go to Julia, he just wanted it to be rubbed in her face that she wasn’t and never had been his favorite daughter.

Julia told her not get her hopes up. She felt that Daddy had changed over the years and hadn’t disinherited her. Why else would he want her present at the reading of his will?

So she sat with Julia, Jerry, and Jeffrey on the sofa of the Jacks’ penthouse. Daddy’s lawyer sat in one of the armchairs to the side of the sofa.

“Is everyone present?” the lawyer asked once everyone was seated.

“Yes sir.” Julia answered, since she was the older sister, she had told Brenda that she felt that she should be addressing the lawyer.

“Everyone ready to proceed?”

“Yes sir.” Julia answered again.

The lawyer started in on the legalities of the will and Brenda barely paid attention. She had been right; Daddy’s estate had been left to Julia, with instructions on how he wanted it to be ran and handled. She didn’t know why she was there at all until the last few lines of the will were read.

“And to Brenda Barrett, give her the appropriate marked letter. Let the letter reveal the truth to her and her son Jeffrey. It will do them more good than it ever did for me.”

He hadn’t acknowledged her as his daughter, but he gave her the truth. What did that mean? Once the lawyer was done, and the letter safely placed in her hands, did she open it. She had to read it twice to comprehend what it said. Suddenly she realized that the written word was full of secrets. This one shook the world away from her.

Harlan Barrett wasn’t her father. Edward Quartermaine was.

“Brenda? Brenda, hon, are you okay?” Julia asked her.

“I…I don’t know if I can believe this.”

“Mom? Are you okay?”

“Brenda, tell us what’s wrong,” Julia urged her.

“I don’t know if I can. It doesn’t make sense.”

“What doesn’t make sense?” Jeffrey asked her.

“Daddy says he’s not my father.”

“Let me see,” Julia said wide eyed, immediately grabbing the letter that she was about to drop to the floor.

Brenda handed over the letter to Julia. Julia skimmed over it, sighed and placed it on the coffee table. Brenda picked it up again. She couldn’t seem to get over it. Daddy wasn’t Daddy.

“Jules, can Jeffrey stay here for a little while. I need to go think things through.”

“He can stay if he wants to. But Bren, I don’t want you out there by yourself. Please stay so we discuss this together.”

“Julia, I need to do this on my own. You don’t need to worry about me, I’m able to take care of myself. We both know that I’m not your sister anymore. My mother may have raised you, but she wasn’t your mother.”

“Brenda, I worry about you because I care about you. I don’t care who your father is, you are still my sister,” Julia cried, her face ashen at the mention of their mothers.

“Julia, I don’t care what you think right now. I...I just have to get out of here for a little while. Jeffrey, will you be okay here for awhile?”

“Yes, but can’t I come with you?” he asked, the concern evident in his voice.

“I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I know, but be careful.” She understood his request, it was more of a plea than anything.

“I will. I’ll be back in a little while.”

As she left the penthouse, she heard Julia calling after her.

“Bren, please, can we talk about this here?” But she didn’t care. Julia couldn’t possibly understand what she was feeling. She barely knew herself.

***

“Reginald, is Edward here?” Brenda asked, once the door to the Quartermaine mansion was opened to her. She smiled at the butler, hoping she appeared cordial and friendly, when in side she was fuming. She wanted to know now if Edward knew about her paternity and how in the world he had ever gotten involved with her mother.

“I’m sorry Miss Barrett, but he left this afternoon for a business trip. He isn’t expected to be back till later this week. Is there anyone else you’d like to speak to?”

“Um, no. I’ll come back later. When Edward is back in town, please tell him that I’m looking for him.”

“Yes, Miss, I’ll do that.”

She stood on the doorsteps facing the huge gate to the driveway as she heard the door shut behind her. She’d been shut out. Shut out of her real family’s life.

***

She sat in an alcove on the shore of the Port Charles River. It was dark, so she couldn’t see the river passing by, but she could hear the current rushing by. It sounded like it was running away from something, probably her if it was smart. This place had been her special place growing up. She’d come here, sit, and think about things whenever she wanted to get away from home. Once Jax had come into her life, the place had become their special place. Now she doubted if it ever got used. It was still a quiet place to sit.

“Brenda?”

She looked up at the familiar voice calling her name. It was Jax. She couldn’t see him clearly, but she could tell it was he. A shiver wracked her body, partly from the sound of his voice, and partly from the chill in the air. She hadn’t thought to bring a jacket with her when she’d left Julia’s place.

“Julia sending in the reinforcements?” She called back to Jax before turning her back on him. She didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, not even Jax. She didn’t feel like being civil because she felt like screaming at the world.

“What are you talking about, Brenda?” He was barely fazed by the fact that she had turned because he still sat down next to her.

“Jax, you don’t have to pretend to me. Julia must have sent you to come after me. You can just go back and tell her I don’t want to talk right now.”

He didn’t go away. He sat closer and wrapped his jacket around her shoulders. “You’re freezing. Why are you out here?”

“Jax, please, stop acting concerned about me.”

“Brenda, I’m not leaving until you tell me what is bothering you. I’m not acting concerned, I am concerned.”

“Don’t tell me that. It’s a lie. Everything is a lie.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you see Jax? I left you. I lied to you. I hurt you. You’re not supposed to care what happens to me anymore. If I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself, then that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t care if you’re concerned, or if Julia is concerned about me. Concern is guilt and I don’t need that.”

“Brenda, yes, you hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care what happens to you. I care a great deal what happens to you. When you left, I was worried sick about you until Harlan assured your sister that you were doing fine. Even if you were okay, I still didn’t believe that you wanted to be away from me. I was convinced that he had sent you away somewhere and you needed to be rescued. You know I searched for you years, but finally figured that when I kept coming up empty you would find away to reach me if you needed me. That was when I finally let you go, but in the back of my mind I’ve always wondered where and how you were. It will take a long time for me to get rid of the habit of wondering if you’re okay. I know I can’t fix this tension between us, but I do know that I still consider you a friend, I care about my friends.”

“That’s all nice Jax, but excuse me if I’m a little cynical at the world right now. I consider you a friend too. I’ve told you that my reasons for leaving had nothing to do with you, but my father. My father…let him burn in hell.”

He gave her a surprised look. No matter how much she had been disappointed in her father, she’d never cursed him. “You really don’t know, do you?” she asked him.

“Know what?”

“What did Julia tell you?”

“I haven’t seen Julia since this afternoon.”

“Why are you here?”

“I came to think. This was always a good place to think, it’s not usually occupied.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”

“How could you? Now, tell me why you’re here.”

“To think.”

“About what?”

“I dumped a hell of a lot on you yesterday, you don’t need my problems on top of that.”

“Just tell me, what has your father done now? Does it have something to do with his will?”

“My father has done nothing to surprise me. I wasn’t expecting anything from his will. Why would I? He didn’t acknowledge me when he was alive, so why would he when he was dead? But I still had a little hope. He did leave me something, a note explaining that I’ve been a pawn for revenge my whole damn life. He’s not my father.” She hadn’t meant to say so much, but once she started, the whole story came tumbling out.

“Are you sure? Did he say who was?”

“There were blood tests to accompany the letter, that prove I’m not his. He named Edward Quartermaine as my father.”

“Have you talked to Edward?”

“He wasn’t home. God what is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want me? My mother left me, the man I called father couldn’t stand the sight of me, and my real father has never acknowledged me. Edward knew that I wasn’t happy with Harlan, why did he let me stay with him. He didn’t want me.”

“Maybe he didn’t know,” he said in a low voice full of emotion. When he looked away from her it was then that the reality of her actions hit her.