By Victoria L.
This is a very emotional chapter, let me warn you, and if you don't think you can take
some of the violent aspects that some MAY find offense, don't read. Tissue warning as
well.
Victoria L.
Chapter 24
“What are we going to do, Jax?” Blair asked.
“I don’t know,” Jax said. “But we have to think fast.”
“This is the b@st@rd that took my family away from me,” Blair said,
seething, “so if you think I’m going to stay out of this--”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Jax said. He took Blair by the shoulders,
knowing he couldn’t let his emotions get the better of him while she
needed him. While Brenda and Will needed him, too. “Okay,” he sighed.
“Sonny’s left the building, right?”
“Yeah,” Blair said, clearing her throat. “He left for the day, they’re
starting an investigation soon. You know he’s not going to give up without
a fight.”
“I know that,” Jax said, “but I can’t worry about the man right now,
as long as he’s out of my way. Okay, here’s what we’re going to do.
We’ll send Sarah in there--”
“No Jax, we can’t,” Blair said.
“If we don’t, then we KNOW that he’ll kill Brenda and Will. He said
so himself, right? We don’t have much time.”
“But we can’t take that kind of a chance,” Blair said.
“It’s the only chance we’ve got. “We’ll give her a bullet proof
vest
or something, I think he only wants to give her a message, though.”
“Then what?”
“If he wants to tell her something, then he’ll have to let her back
out, and we’ll take it from there.”
“Snipers,” Blair said. “On the roof of the building across the street.”
“Right,” Jax said, “but we have to be careful, because he’ll be
looking for them, you can be sure of that. I’m going to go set it up.”
“D@mn, him!” Blair said, slamming her fists down on the desk.
“I know, I know,” Jax said, putting a hand on her. “Hey, we’ve
found them though, that’s the most important thing, right?” Blair nodded.
“Yeah,” she said. “This is going to be over soon, no matter how it
turns out.”
“It’s going to turn out just fine,” Jax said. “Just fine.
Jax came back into his office, and Blair was there, her head down
on the desk, resting. She looked up when he came in.
“Well?” she asked, standing up. She didn’t like the look on his face.
“What?” she asked. “What’s happened, is there any news?”
“Yeah,” Jax said. “Uh, listen Blair, there have been a change of
plans.”
“What?” Blair asked.
“I don’t really have time to discuss it, you’re just going to have to
trust me.”
“Okay, well out with it.”
“You’re off the case.” Blair raised her eyebrows, and put a hand to
her chest.
“I’m what?” she asked, incredulously. “Why? I haven’t done
anything to jeopardize this case.” Jax put up a hand to stop her.
“We’ve got a half hour to get over to that motel, Blair.”
“You tell me why!” she said.
“Oversight has looked into the case now that Sonny’s gone. They
say you’re too close to this.”
“Me?” Blair asked. “What about you? It’s your wife and son in
there!”
“I know that, but they can count on me to keep a level head.”
“And they can’t count on me? I outrank you by miles, my friend.”
“I know that, but Blair, come on. Everyone knows how losing your
husband and kids affected you. It’s the one thing that gets to you. It’s
your one weakness.”
“There’s something you’re not telling me, aren’t you?” she asked,
squaring her shoulders. “Come on, what is it?”
“They want him alive,” Jax said sighing. Blair took a deep breath
and turned from Jax, to let it out.
“What?” she asked calmly.
“You heard me. They want him alive for psychiatric observation.”
“Well isn’t that rich?” Blair asked. “He’s going to have a nice
padded cell and get to play with crayons and play-dough for the rest of
his miserable life!”
“You see, that’s it, right there,” Jax said. “You’re too
volatile, Blair.”
“I didn’t get to where I am today by not keeping it together,” Blair
said, challengingly. “I can do this, Jax. I can.”
“Can I trust you not to shoot him on sight?” Jax asked. “Because I’m
telling you now, just so there’s no confusion, those are NOT the orders. We
are to take him alive.”
“So this is your decision?” Blair asked. “Whether or not I go?” Jax
nodded.
“Don’t make me sorry, Blair.”
“Don’t worry about me,” Blair said. “You need to worry about him.”
“All right,” Jax said. “I have one condition. I’m parking two blocks
away, you stay in the car.”
“Jax--”
“Those are my conditions, or you can stay here, Blair. I don’t know
what else I can tell you.”
“Done. Let’s go.”
The Motel
“There!” Brenda said, sighing quietly. She had finally gotten her
arms free. Her body froze when she heard the bed creaking near the
door. She hurriedly slid herself over to the bathtub, and pinned her arms
behind her back, so that he couldn’t see that she had loosened them.
“Please, please, don’t let him come in here,” Brenda said, her body
beginning to shake, violently with fear. She heard his hand on the door
knob, and she felt a wave of nausea come over her that she knew she
wouldn’t be able to fight for very long. Brenda held her breath until she
realized he wasn’t coming in. She breathed a sigh of relief, but didn’t feel
any better. She still had no idea where Will was. “Please be all right,” she
said softly. “Please, hang in there, Will.”
Two blocks away, the police and officers from the Marshall’s office
were lining up for blocks. Blair sat calmly in Jax’s truck, when he got out.
Sarah was sitting in the back. Blair turned around, and gave her a weak
smile.
“How are you doing?” she asked. Sarah nodded.
“I’m all right.”
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yeah, if it’ll save Brenda and William, I know it’s the right thing to
do.”
“But what about Kevin and your girls?” Blair asked. “And that little
one in there. Are you sure it’s worth it to you to do this? I’m not sure it’d
be worth it to me.”
“I know that if I don’t go, he’ll kill her,” Sarah said. “And
there’s no
way I can let that happen. And I don’t know how you all can stop it. So I
guess there’s no alternative, huh?” Blair nodded.
“You know, I’m sorry we couldn’t mike you. I know you’d feel safer
if everyone could hear what was going on.”
“I know it would be a little awkward,” Sarah said. “With the baby
and all, you wouldn’t be able to hide it easily. It’s okay though. I’ve
been having a few contractions--”
“Oh no,” Blair said.
“Oh, it’s fine, really. I’ve been in labor before, and this is nothing.
I’m sure that when this is all over though, it’ll be straight to the hospital
for
me.”
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Blair asked.
“Sure as I’ll ever be,” Sarah sighed. “Kevin’s on his way, I know
he’ll
be out there. His strength is all I need.”
“I’ll keep a good thought,” Blair said, patting her hand as she got
out of the car.
“Thank you so much for doing this,” Jax said, pulling Sarah into his
arms.
“Well, you were there for me, all those years ago,” Sarah said. “You
found me in that alley, raped, and beaten, and you took me in, you gave
me a job, and you changed my life. No, correction, you saved my life. So
now it’s my turn.”
“Are you sure you’re up to this?” Jax asked.
“Yes. We don’t have much time.”
“Okay, now you know what to do, right? You just walk slowly, and
in plain sight, up to the door, and knock. Move to the side immediately.
“We’re going to try and get a clear shot of him from the window or the
door, in case he doesn’t have Brenda or Will blocking him. If he does,
you’ll have to go inside. If you’re not out in five minutes--and it’s
important that you tell him this--if you’re not out within five minutes of the
time you go in there, then we’re coming in. Are you clear on this?”
“Yes,” Sarah said. “I’m ready. Let’s do it.”
The motel room
Inside the bathroom, Brenda was so weak, exhausted and tired, she
knew she was going to pass out again soon. She couldn’t cry anymore,
her tears were all gone. Her lips hurt, they were chapped, and bleeding.
When was she going to get out of this h#ll? Would she ever get out of it?
She was just starting to lose consciousness again, when the door sprang
open. She let out a shrill scream when Emery came rushing in, grabbing
her and pulling her to her feet. All she could do was turn her head to the
side and squeeze her eyes shut.
“Don’t do that now,” Emery said. “We have to have you nice and
wide awake when your friend gets here.”
“Who?” Brenda asked, coughing. “Friend?”
“That’s right, Sarah. The other broad that went with you to see my
brother in New York? Yeah, that’s right,” he said, when Brenda’s eyes got
wide. “You didn’t think I knew about her, huh? I’ve been watching you
for a long time, little girl. I know everything there is to know about you.
And guess what else,” he said, laughing hysterically. “She’s coming
alone. Yeah, that’s what I told her to do. No doubt she’s got 100 cops
out there, but not one of them’s coming through that door, or I’m going
to blow your head off.” Brenda burst into tears then. “Now, now,” he
said, wiping the tears delicately, and tasting them. “Don’t you worry. If
Miss Sarah comes in here like a good little girl, I’m not going to do
anything to her like I’ve done you. She’s already damaged goods, being
pregnant and all.” He saw Brenda sigh deeply, and then got closer to
her face. “I have a thing for pregnant women. Didn’t say I wouldn’t kill
her though!”
“No, please!” Brenda sobbed. “Please, please. Don’t hurt her!”
“Don’t tell me you’re not dying to get out of here yourself,” Emery
said. “And it’s you or her! I know I’m going down,” Emery said,
pulling, or
rather dragging her, out into the main room. “That husband of yours isn’t
going to let me make it to the parking lot. But at least I can have a little
fun before I go.” He tossed Brenda’s body onto the bed like it was a rag
doll. She couldn’t hide then that she was no longer tied up, but he only
laughed at her, moved to the dresser, and took out his gun, aiming and
pointing at her. “Now you stay right there,” he said, “and you’ll be
just
fine.” Sarah knocked on the door just then, and stepped to the side,
exactly as Jax had instructed.
Jax and Kevin watched from afar, as police cars and other vehicles
moved around in plain sight. Emery could see them easily.
“I told you to come alone,” he said through the door.
“You should be glad I came at all,” Sarah said. “You know I had to
protect myself, I couldn’t come in without their back up.”
“Are you armed?”
“No,” she said, her voice shaking.
“Well then,” he said, “the door’s unlocked, come on in. We’ll
find
out soon enough.”
“Sarah, wait!” Blair said softly, coming up to her, her shoes off, so as
not to make any noise, and her body down low below the window.
Sarah’s eyes grew wide, but she didn’t have time to ask questions. Blair
held up three fingers, and softly c*cked her gun. She nodded to Sarah,
who slowly began to open the door.
“What the h#ll is she doing?!” Jax asked, using his binoculars, and
seeing Blair kneeling next to Sarah.
“I don’t know,” Kevin said. “Do you think it’ll be all right?”
“I don’t know,” Jax said, taking up his walkie talkie, and walking
across the street, screaming orders as he went.
“You want to suffer, and show me you’re angry.
You fight with your fists up, or call for your mommy.
You want to suffer, and show me you’re angry.
Spend time alone.
Find a stick in the basement.
Drink water and gold dust.
Live on impatience.
Slaughtered for weakness.
Electric like static.
Slaughtered, you’re weak.
There’s no need to speak.”
The rest of it happened in slow motion, it seemed unreal to
everyone involved. Jax was running across the street and the parking lot
as fast as he could. The door to the motel room was flung open and
Sarah, not seeing Jax behind her, went inside. Brenda watched in horror,
and shook her head violently, unable to speak to warn Sarah that Emery
was standing just behind her. Sarah turned just in time to see Emery point
the gun at her, smile sadistically and pull the trigger. Blair was in, split
seconds after she heard the gun go off. Emery was stepping over Sarah’s
body, and heading for Brenda. Blair ran up behind him, drop kicking him
to the floor and kneeling over him, her knees pinning him to the floor, the
gun in her hand.
“Where’s Will?” Brenda asked, as she watched in horror as Blair
stood up, not hearing anything around her, except Emery’s laughter.
“This is for my husband,” she said bitterly, “and for my babies, Evelyn
and Peter!” She aimed at his head, and a slow smile came across her
lips, as she saw real terror in his eyes for the first time, as she squeezed the
trigger, killing him instantly.
“No!” Brenda screamed. “No, no, no!” Jax appeared then, and
stood in the door way shocked. Mere moments later, he regained
himself, and called for the ambulance for Sarah, whose eyes were
fluttering open and closed. Blair dropped her gun on the floor, reality
suddenly coming back to her.
“You change your shoelaces,
I light firecrackers, and step on the sparks.
You chance your shoelaces,
I light firecrackers.
I shouldn’t be any great inspiration.
I never got in your way.
I should never have to chase you.
You were the one who ran away.”
“Help me!” Brenda screamed, unable to move. “Somebody help
me!” Blair rushed to her on the bed, and put her arms around her. At first,
Brenda tried to pull away, and then eventually, she turned her face into
Blair’s shoulder, to somehow shield herself from all the violence. Jax
stepped over Emery, and put two fingers to the base of his neck.
“He’s gone,” Jax said, looking at Blair, whose expression was stoic as
she held tightly to Brenda. Jax stared at Brenda then, and then walked
into the bathroom, looking around frantically. “Where’s Will?” Jax asked.
“Where is he?” he asked again, coming back into the room. Just then,
the ambulance arrived, and took Sarah away.
“Is she alive?” Kevin asked, as he ran alongside the gurney.
“Yes sir, but we have to get her to the hospital as quickly as
possible. The wound was to the chest. Sarah reached out and grabbed
Kevin’s hand, squeezing tightly.
Inside the room, Jax grabbed Brenda by the shoulders, and was
slightly alarmed when he looked into her eyes and saw that they were
empty.
“Brenda,” Jax said, trying to be calm. “Tell me, where is William?
Where is he?”
“Not--here,” Brenda managed, coughing violently.
“Okay, okay,” Jax said, “where then? Did you leave him
somewhere? Did Emery say anything?” Brenda just shook her head, and
at Jax. He jumped off the bed, and ran for the ambulance, throwing
open the doors.
“Hey!” Kevin said, getting up, and pushing against Jax. Jax just
pushed past him.
“Sarah, please,” Jax said. “Did he say anything to you about Will?”
Sarah shook her head, as she passed out.
“I’m sorry, sir, you can’t be in here like this,” the EMT said,
pushing
Jax off the back step of the rig. Jax staggered backwards, and kneeled
down in the middle of the street, crying to himself. Suddenly he jumped
up again, and ran back into the room. Brenda and Blair had come out,
and were standing near the door, and Emery still lay on the floor. Jax
picked up his body and turned him over, shaking him violently, and then
starting CPR.
“If you could feel the pain
Your confusion has caused me,
You would have stopped, before you spoke.
Listening to lies, the pain doesn’t suit me.
The gift that you gave me,
I put it away.
I couldn’t look at it.
It made me think of you.
You get in the way.”
“Tell me, you sorry son of a---” Jax said, working hard to try and
bring him back to life. “You wake up and tell me where my son is!!!”
Fellow officers had to pull Jax off of the man’s body, and escort him
outside. Brenda stood a few feet away from it all, staring at the ground,
and clutching the blanket that had been put around her shoulders. “Why
did you do it?” Jax asked, staring at Blair and crying openly. “He didn’t
tell me where my son is! How could you kill him?! I told you we needed
him ALIVE!!!” Jax lunged at Blair, who did nothing to get out of his way.
She sank to her feet, and began rocking back and forth, oblivious to the
goings on around her. Jax regained his composure quickly, when he saw
Brenda. “Brenda?” he asked, his voice choking up. She looked up at
him, but when he stepped towards her, she backed away, putting a
hand up. “Brenda, love, it’s me,” he said, moving towards her once
again. She put her arm down, and just began to weep. Jax pulled her
into his arms. “We’ll find him,” he said, holding Brenda tightly. “We
will find
him.”
“You change your shoelaces,
I light firecrackers, and step on the sparks.
You change your shoelaces,
I light firecrackers.
Spend time alone,
Find a stick in the basement.
Drink water, and gold dust,
And die of impatience.”
At the hospital, Jax held Brenda as they brought her in. Brenda
clung to Jax’s side, staring down at the floor. A nurse rolled a wheel chair
to them, and Brenda sat down, clutching Jax’s hand.
“The ambulance radioed her in,” the nurse said gently. “We know
what to do, you can’t go back with her, I’m sorry.”
“I understand,” Jax said, clearing his throat, and kneeling down
beside Brenda. “I’m going to be right out here,” Jax said, watching
Brenda shiver. She vaguely nodded. “I’m not going to leave you, all
right? I’ll be right out here. Right out here, and I’m coming in as soon as
they let me, all right?”
“We’ll come and let you know as soon as possible,” the nurse said.
Jax stood up and watched as Brenda went down the hall. She didn’t
look back.
Jax looked around the room, and immediately saw some
detectives.
“Did you find anything on sight?” he asked. They shook their heads,
no. “I don’t believe this,” Jax said. “Well you people can’t just
quit
looking. I want search parties, dogs, I don’t care what it takes, or what it
costs, I want a full scale search launched, is that understood,
gentlemen?” They nodded. “Has the FBI been contacted?”
“Of course, sir.”
“All right, well I want a full report on my desk in the morning.”
“But sir--”
“In case no one has told you gentlemen, Mr. Corinthos was relieved
of his duties, as of,” Jax glanced at his watch, 4:30 this afternoon. I would
join you myself, but I have to stay here for my wife. Leave no stone
unturned, is that clear? We have to find my son.” The officers nodded,
and walked back out the doors, when they looked past Jax, and saw
Kevin.
“Electric, like static.
No need to speak.
It’s not right, it’s not wrong.
So I wrote this song.
I wrote this song,
Is that what you want?”
Kevin was staggering out of the ER, blood on his shirt. Jax ran to
him, and helped him sit down on a nearby chair. He looked completely
shocked. “Sarah?” Jax asked. Kevin just shook his head no, and sighed,
rocking back and forth. “Oh, my God--” Jax asked, his voice breaking.
“The baby?”
“They saved him,” Kevin said, nodding. “He’s in the nursery.”
“Thank God,” Jax said, putting his arms around Kevin, who began
weeping violently.
“Oh, dear God, no,” he said, “not Sarah. Not my beautiful wife.
No, no, no.” Jax held him, as Blair appeared in the room then. She didn’t
look like herself, Jax thought. She looked sick. She glanced at Jax, asking
with her eyes if Sarah was all right. Jax shook his head. She mouthed, the
baby? And Jax nodded. Blair closed her eyes, letting the tears sprinkle
down her face.
“You got what you want,
Does it make you feel better?
The smirk on your face,
The gun in my hand.
You come to my place, and ask to be fed.”
As the day wore on, eventually, Lois and Jerry showed up at the
hospital as well. Jax was pratically climbing the walls, waiting for them to
be finished with Brenda.
“I brought her a change of clothes,” Lois said, her voice trembling.
“Thank you,” Jax said, as the nurse came and tapped him on the
shoulder. He turned to face her.
“Maybe you should go in and talk to your wife,” she said softly.
“Is she all right?” Jax asked. “Was she raped?”
“I’m sorry, yes,” the nurse said softly. Jax felt just then, as though he
had been kicked in the gut, and he couldn’t get any air. Lois turned to
Jerry and began to cry. A single tear fell quickly down Jax’s face and she
hurriedly followed the nurse. She pointed to where Brenda was, and he
came in. Brenda glanced defensively over her shoulder, and relaxed
when she saw that it was Jax. He sat beside her, and put his arms around
her, and then shrugged out of his coat and draped it around her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, so faintly that he could barely hear her.
“What’s that, love?” he asked, trying to be strong.
“That I let him touch me,” she said, shaking and weeping. “I didn’t
know, Jax, I swear it, I didn’t know. Oh my God,” she said, looking around
her and realizing where she was, and that only a small curtain was
separating her from the rest of the room, and then the rest of the world.
“Shh, Jerry and Lois are here, they brought you some clothes. Can I
tell Lois to bring them in, Brenda?” he asked. Brenda shook her head, and
grabbed his hand.
“Please, no,” she said, “you go get them. Oh, no,” she said, shaking
and crying, “he’s all over me, Jax! Don’t let anybody see me! Oh please,
don’t let anybody see me!”
“I won’t, I won’t,” Jax said, cradling her in his arms, and fighting
back his own tears, holding her as she cried.
“You change your shoelaces,
I light firecrackers, you get in the way.
Get in the way.
You want to suffer, and show me you’re angry.
You fight with your fists up, call for your mommy.
You want to suffer, you show me you’re angry.”
Song credit: "Firecracker" sung and written by Lisa Loeb, from her album of the
same name.
Chapter 25
Six weeks later
Brenda woke up in a cold sweat. She sat up on the bed, ready to
jump at the slightest movement. She sighed, and laid back down when
she realized that it was the middle of the afternoon, and she was safe at
home. She glanced to her side, and saw that Jax wasn’t there. How
could she have let herself sleep this late? She asked. She got out of bed,
and went to take a shower. Brenda gathered all the things she’d need
for her shower, everything, even the clothes she would wear, put them in
the bathroom with her, and then locked the door, as she always did, and
propped a chair that was in the bathroom against the knob. No one
knew that she had did this, but it was the only time she felt completely
safe, and quite frankly, she was afraid to tell Jax. She knew it would take
his attention away from his on going search for Will, and she would never
do that, especially when it was all her fault.
When Brenda finished her shower, she got out, dressed, and then
moved the chair away from the door. As soon as she had, she realized
that she had forgotten to put her wedding band back on. She had lost
even more weight in the past few weeks, and she was afraid her rings
would slip off in the shower. As she moved to the end of the bathroom
counter to retrieve them, the door came open behind her. Brenda let
out a scream, as she turned around and saw Jax.
“Hey!” he said, “Calm down, it’s just me.” Brenda sighed deeply,
trying to catch her breath. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Brenda said “you scared me, that’s all.”
“Well I’m sorry,” Jax said, “I was just looking for you, that’s
all.”
Brenda gave him a fake smile, and stood on tip toes, giving him a quick
kiss on the cheek, to appease him. Before his arms could go around her,
she moved out of the bathroom, and into their bedroom.
“What are you doing home?” she asked, turning around to face
him when she got to the door.
“I thought I told you,” Jax said. “The baby sitter couldn’t come
today, and I thought I’d just work from home.”
“Oh, right,” Brenda said, nodding, and going downstairs. Jax didn’t
immediately follow her, he knew she didn’t like to have people walking
too closely behind her. He could understand why, so he hung back. He
watched as Brenda went past Jacob’s and then the twins’ room without
so much as looking in on them. She was sure they were all right, but how
could Jax be sure that she was sure? Brenda barely did anything for or
with her children, anymore. Jessica was at school most of the day, so
thankfully, she didn’t see it. But Jacob was here all day, as well as the
twins. Brenda didn’t want them out of the house and in day care
anymore, but she couldn’t be left alone with them during the day, she
was too depressed. Jax hired a baby sitter, for the children, but in some
ways, for Brenda as well.
The guilt over Sarah’s death, and Will’s disappearance had been
too much for Brenda. She had retreated into herself, and Jax, not
knowing what else to do for her, had just simply made things as easy as
possible for her. Brenda took her place on the couch, the same place
she sat, all day, every day, and stared out the window, into the hot
Georgia day.
Just then, Jax came down the stairs, and sat at the kitchen table,
with a direct view of Brenda. He took a sip of the juice he was drinking,
and then ventured to speak to Brenda.
“Why don’t you get out today, sweetheart?” he asked. “Go to the
zoo, walk around the park or something.” Brenda hadn’t left the house
for anything in the past month, other than her doctor’s appointments,
and the evaluations that she had to do at work. In the past four weeks,
she had been out a total of five times, and never more than three hours
at a time. Jax had gotten her to go to the park and the zoo a few times
with the children, but she never went by herself. She never went
anywhere by herself.
“No thanks,” she said, smiling weakly at Jax, and then propping her
chin on her fist, and staring back out the window.
“Brenda,--” Jax began. Brenda could hear the anger in his voice,
and she knew he was about to force her to go out, as he had done
before. She couldn’t take it this time.
“Jax, look. I don’t want to go out, okay? I’ve been over every inch
of that park, and I’ve been to the zoo so many times, the animals are
starting to look at me funny, okay? Please.” She said it with annoyance,
though Jax knew it had been a futile attempt at humor. He sighed
deeply. He didn’t want to force her, because he knew that he could.
She’d do it for him, if he asked her, but something told him, she couldn’t
take any more pushing on his part. They hadn’t been intimate since it all
happened, and he missed her so much. He wanted to talk to her about
it, and thought giving it a few weeks would be enough. Now that they
were alone in the house except for Jacob and the twins, he thought now
would be a good time to talk to her about things. He had to pull her out
of that shell, first, as he always did.
“Brenda,” he said, getting her attention. “If you don’t want to go
out, that’s fine. I didn’t mean to push.”
“That’s okay,” she said, not looking at him.
“Well listen, I’ve got a lot of work to do today, so why don’t you
come over and help me?” She looked at him then, first in annoyance,
thinking that he was trying to get her to do something, anything other
than sit on the couch. But then her face softened, when she realized
what exactly it was he was working on.
“What is that?” she asked.
“It’s for Will,” Jax said. “Flyers, notices on the Internet, just been
checking police reports to see if any kids have been brought into any
hospitals, any reported kidnapped or missing, or any new kids enrolled in
schools that fit his description.”
“Wow,” Brenda said, “you must be searching dozens of databases.”
“Try hundreds,” Jax said. “I’ve only just begun to put a dent in it. I
could really use your help. So how about it?” Brenda looked at Jax, and
then sighed. How could she deny him? She got up and moved to the
kitchen table, and sat down beside him. He put a grateful hand on top
of hers, and smiled. She smiled back, but he could feel the tension in her
hands. When he started to move his, she moved hers, very quickly. She
looked at him self consciously, and when he tried to lean over and give
her a kiss on the cheek, she got up quickly from her chair, and moved to
the refrigerator.
“Calling out your name,
Your face is everywhere.
I’m reaching out to you,
To find that you’re not there.
I wake up every night,
To see the state I’m in.
It’s like an endless fight, I never seem to win.”
“I’m thirsty,” she said. “Do you want something, honey?” Jax
cleared his throat, and turned around in his chair.
“Yes, I want to talk to you,” he said, coming over to stand behind
her. She closed the door after taking out a bottle of water, and then put
the table between them as she stared at him, moving back and forth on
her feet.
“What is it?” she asked, looking like a deer caught in headlights.
“I miss my wife,” he said, coming to take one hand in hers. “What’s
going on, Brenda? You flinch every time I touch you, you don’t go out,
you’re not here for the children--”
“Don’t bring the children into this, Jax,” Brenda said angrily, “you
know that I’m doing the best that I can.”
“Are you?” Jax asked, his hands on his hips. “I’m going crazy here,
Brenda, doing everything I can to find my son, it’s been weeks, I don’t
know where he is, if he’s even alive, and I could really use your support!”
“You have it!” Brenda said.
“Well excuse me for feeling like that’s not true at all. Brenda, you’re
here in body, but you’re not present with me. I don’t think you hear half of
the things I say to you, the kids don’t turn to you anymore, they turn to the
baby-sitter. Joseph and Joanne--they’re getting bigger everyday, you
don’t even hold them anymore. And as for me--I feel like I can’t even
touch you without making you--”
“Making me what?!”
“I don’t know,” Jax said, turning his back on her.
“I can’t go on,
As long as I believe.
Can’t let go, when I keep wondering,
Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart, when I’m not around?”
“No, go ahead and say it,” Brenda said, challengingly. “I want to
hear it. Making me what? Sick? Repulsed? Do you really want to hear
that you do that to me?”
“Brenda--”
“No, come on, let’s bring it out, since you’re so h#ll bent on having
this conversation, let’s do it. You want to know what’s wrong with me? I’ll
tell you. Yes, I’m scared to go out of the house, all right? Yes! I am. There,
now you know. And as for you, Jax,” Brenda said, lowering her voice, and
shaking her head, “I don’t know what you want me to say. I can’t touch
you. I can’t get comfortable with you touching me. I don’t want to hurt
you, and I don’t want to do this to you, when I know that you need me,
but I feel sick when you touch me, my skin crawls.”
“Stop it.”
“I’m telling you the truth,” Brenda said. “You think it makes me feel
good to have to say this to you? It doesn’t! I feel useless. I can’t work, I
can’t even get up at a decent hour, because I have nightmares all night.
And I don’t get to sleep until the early morning hours, because I wait for
you to fall asleep at night. I stay downstairs, or in the bathroom, until I’m
sure you’re asleep. And then I’m so careful, I’m so quiet, and I climb into
bed so slowly, so I don’t wake you up. And then I just lay there, motionless,
and holding my breath because I am so afraid that you’ll roll over, and
you’ll want to just hold me.”
“If making love is the problem, Brenda, I understand.”
“No, you don’t understand,” she said, shaking her head and
pointing a finger at him. “Because it’s not just intimacy, Jax. I can’t
stand it
when you or any man is close to me. I can’t stand it when they brush up
against me in public on accident. When they touch my arm, or touch my
hand, or even LOOK at me, if I don’t know them. I feel closed in. And I’m
not crazy, Jax. Don’t you think I know that this is all in my mind, that half
the people, half the men that see me on the street aren’t going to think
of me beyond the two seconds that their eyes are on me. But no matter
what I do, I can’t get used to that again, I can’t get used to being
touched.”
“Come here,” Jax said, opening his arms, to her. Brenda took a
tentative step forward, and then closed her eyes, putting a hand up.
“Please don’t do this to me right now,” Brenda said. “I know that
you need me. I know that everyone’s looking for Will, and that you need
me more than ever, and I’m sorry that I can’t be there for you, Jax, but I
just can’t. I’m afraid.”
“Where are you now?
You gotta let me know.
Oh baby, so I can let you go.
I can hear your voice.
Dream of yesterday.
It seems so close to me, but yet so far away.”
“Brenda, afraid of what?” Jax asked, the frustration clear on his
voice.
“Afraid of that look,” she said, her voice trembling. “That look that
you give me, that says, ‘it’s all in your head, Brenda. You’re body’s
healed. You didn’t get pregnant, and you didn’t get any diseases. Your
body’s healed, and the scars and bruises are all gone, so why can’t you
just get over it?’ Isn’t that what you’re thinking, Jax?” He sighed.
“When I talked to your counselor, she told me I should try to
reinforce being with you, reinforce holding you, and letting you know that
the male presence can be a comfort to you.”
“My therapist does not know what’s in my heart, and in my head,
Jax! I can still feel him on me.” Brenda paused, when Jax threw her an
exasperated look. “What?” she asked.
“Come on, Brenda, you were unconscious.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is a cruel thing to say. You know the memories
are coming back every day, I told you that!” She took a sip of her water,
and pushed past him, sitting down on the couch, and looking out, her
gaze going stoic again.
“I should let it out.
To save what’s left of me.
And close the doors of doubt,
Revive my dignity.
But I can’t go on, as long as I believe.
I can’t let go, when I keep wondering, where are you?”
“Brenda, look at yourself,” Jax said, following her into the living
room. “You live like a hostage. You sit here, day in and day out, doing the
same thing--nothing! Your children need you, I need you!”
“I can’t think!” she said, standing up. “Don’t you get that? Yes,
you’re right, I live like a hostage, I live like a prisoner. But you’re wrong
about one thing. I do not do NOTHING all day. You want to know what I
do?”
“Not really,” Jax said, sarcastically.
“Well I’m going to tell you anyway. I change my underwear 20
times a day, because I still feel like trash! You want to know what else I
do, Jax? I sit on this couch, and I count the little roses on it! I know that
there are 2,599 roses on that couch Jax, because it’s all I can wrap my
mind around these days!”
“Well snap out of it!” Jax said, holding his arms up to the side. “I
don’t know what else to do for you anymore. You don’t let me touch you,
you don’t let me be a husband to you. Your own daughter, your first born
child, can’t even get you to help her with her homework, because you
can’t even focus on things on a first grade level. What am I supposed to
do, Brenda? Just tell me, and I’ll do it.”
“Why don’t we talk about what this is really about,” Brenda said,
“because we both know it isn’t me. I mean yeah, I’ve been distant, I’ve
been closed off, but why would you notice? The first two weeks, you
didn’t even come home. Lois had to bring everything to you. You
haven’t thought about anything but Will, as rightly you should, but what
you’re really doing, is staying away from here, because you don’t want to
face the truth, and you don’t want to face me.”
“What truth is that?” Jax asked, moving closer to her.
“That you think it’s my fault,” Brenda said softly, her eyes on the
beige carpet. “You do, don’t you? H#ll, I blame myself. And why
shouldn’t I? It is my own fault.” When Jax didn’t respond, she went on.
“I
don’t really want to see that look on your face, saying to me that you
think your son’s de--disappearance, is because of me.” Her eyes rose to
meet his then. Jax started to put his hands on her shoulders, but when she
flinched, he put them down by his side.
“I love you,” he began. “And I have loved you from the moment I
laid eyes on you, and through everything,” Jax said, motioning with his
hand, “I have never stopped. And you can trust that I never will. I can’t
think of a thing that we haven’t been through now, and we’re still
together, we’re still here. It is no one’s fault but Emery’s that Will is
missing.
We knew how he worked, that’s why we were trying to put him behind
bars.”
“That’s why we should have known,” Brenda said, clinching her fists.
“Who ever knows, Brenda? Who ever knows? Blair, she’s better
than the both of us, and she didn’t see it coming. She lost her whole
family, and she knows more about this than anyone. Is it her fault her
children and husband were killed? Of course it wasn’t, Brenda, and it’s
not your fault, or my fault that Will is missing. But you know as well as I do,
that there’s a chance he’s alive. So far, we’ve found all of Emery’s
victims, and we haven’t found him. That should tell us something. And
Emery was mean and vindictive. If anything, he’d want to tell you in
detail how he hurt Will, and he didn’t do that, did he?”
“Oh, Jax, come on, you know better than me that all you just said
doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. Not really. Your son is gone! He’s not
here, he’s not out playing baseball, and riding his bike the way he should
be! Will’s not here in the morning, to be fight with Jessica, and to protect
Jacob, and teach him all the things a big brother should. You say I’ve
been an absent mother? Well I’ve watched my children. I’ve watched
him fade from their memory. Jacob stopped asking, ‘Where’s Will?
Jessica has retreated into herself as well. And the twins, I’m afraid they’re
going to lose the little bit of memories they did have of him. Don’t you
think I know how much that hurts you? And let’s face it! I was here when
Will was taken. I told him to go outside and bring the dogs in, right?
Simple enough. Well then why didn’t I do it myself? I could have done it, I
was standing right there, but no, I wanted a shower. I had to go and take
a shower. And now,” Brenda said, openly crying and putting her hand to
her heart, “that sweet little boy is gone! And I’ve lost my life, I’ve
become
so introverted that I can’t work, and I can’t be with my babies, and I
can’t be with you, and two sweet little girls and one little new baby boy
have lost their mother! Kevin’s lost his wife, Jax. My God, I can’t imagine
what he, their whole family must be going through, and every last bit of it
is because of me! And don’t try and tell me anymore that you don’t
agree--”
“All right, that’s enough!” Jax said, so loudly it made Brenda yelp
and jump. Just then, one of the twins began to cry. It took a few seconds
for Jax to get his bearings.
“Will you get him, please?” Brenda asked. “I know that’s Joseph.”
“How can you still tell?” Jax asked sarcastically, walking up the
stairs and slamming a door behind him. Brenda stood in the middle of the
living room floor until she heard the baby stop crying, and then she sat
back down on the couch, sighing, and wiping away the tears that were
continuously falling, despite her efforts.
“Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart, when I’m not around?
Tell me, where are you now?
You gotta let me know.
Oh baby, so I can let you go.”
An hour later, Jax came back downstairs. It was a hot day, so he
just wore a black tank top, and khaki cut offs. He sat down with a thump,
putting on the wire rim glasses he sometimes wore when he spent long
hours at the computer. Brenda glanced at him, and sighed to herself.
She knew he needed help, and she wanted so very much to be with him,
but she wanted more than that, to avoid another argument. She had
seen only the tip of the iceberg as far as his pain went, and she knew it.
Jax was too close to blowing up, and she knew it. And I had to go and
push him, she thought to herself. She wanted to tell Jax that she missed
Will as much as he did, and it was true, her heart was breaking every day.
But she knew if she said it right now, Jax would call her a liar, and she
wasn’t sure how far from the truth that would be. All of her children,
Jessica, Jacob, Joseph and Joanne were here, alive and well, safe inside
the confines of their home. William was Jax’s son with Alexis, Brenda had
never hated Alexis or Will, but the bond that the three of them shared was
something Brenda always felt was never achieved between Jax, herself,
and their children. It would seem selfish to tell him that now, or ever,
especially if they never found his son.
“I should let it out,
It’s time to let you go.
Oh baby, I just wanna know.
Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart when I’m not around?
Where are you now?
You gotta let me know.
Oh baby, so I can let you go.”
Without warning, a feeling of peace came over Brenda. Looking at
her husband now, holding one growing ten month old in his arms, and
rocking the other with his foot in the baby swing, all the while, surfing the
Internet, answering the phone every five minutes, and having to deal with
the knowledge that every precious second that passed was another mile
in-between his son and himself. That with every passing day, if Will was
injured, he came closer to death. He was only ten years old, his birthday
would be here in a few weeks, and he would turn 11. What if he wasn’t
found by then? She didn’t think Jax could live through it. Brenda sighed
to herself, and stood up, going into the kitchen and putting her water
back in the refrigerator. She silently picked up Joseph and carried him
upstairs. Then she came back down and took Joanne, who was sleeping
soundly, from her father’s arms. Jax whispered his thanks, and Brenda just
nodded. It took her a few minutes to get Joanne to settle back down,
and once Brenda came back downstairs, she found Jax crying openly,
weeping was more like it, over a picture of Will that he kept right beside
his lap top on the table.
“Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart when I’m not around?
Where are you now?
You gotta let me know.
Oh baby, so I can let you go.”
Brenda went to stand behind Jax, her fingers gripping the back of
the chair, and making her knuckles white. She tentatively put her hands
on Jax’s back, and felt his muscles go tense. Then, she stepped closer,
and began to massage his muscles, loosening them up. He relaxed into
her touch, and then she sighed, whispering, “I’m sorry,” as she leaned
down to kiss his cheek. He turned into her embrace and stood. Brenda
let out a small gasp when Jax took her in his arms, holding her tightly, and
crying. She fought the urge to back away, each passing second, her
body coming alive again with the familiarity of being in her husband’s
arms. Her hands moved up and down his back, soothingly, as she
whispered softly into his ear, trying to get him to calm down. She knew it
always calmed him when she played slightly with the thin hairs at the
base of his neck. When she finally felt him stop crying, she held his face in
her hands, and lightly brushed her lips against his. He smiled, moving a
strand of hair behind her ear.
“We’ll find him one day,” he said, sobering up.
“I know it, baby,” she said, hugging him again. “We will.”