Between Now and Forever ch.10 {JB}

by Victoria L. on December 07, 1999 at 16:51:39:

Hello, all! Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted, and I've really missed hearing from you guys and sharing my stories with you. Finals are next week for me, so I am hitting the books. But I had an urge of my own to write, and since one of you asked, here's the latest chapter of Between Now and Forever. Please leave feedback.
Thanks,
Victoria L.

"Carly, I know you don't want to believe this, but there's really no other choice in this thing. If we don't consider it from every possible angle, then we're going to miss something that could save Julia's life, and that's the most important thing, right?" "Of course it is, darling, but how am I supposed to believe that Julia Barrett, one of the strongest people I know, my boss, and good friend, is involved in drugs?" Jason was at a loss for words. He didn't know how to prove to Carly that what he was thinking about Julia was probably very close to the truth. He knew he'd have to convince her in person. "All right," he sighed. "I'm coming home. Will you close the shop a little early, and meet me at home?"

"You know I will," Carly said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I just hope that none of this is true. And I hope that Julia's all right." "I don't want it to be true either sweetheart," Jason said, wishing he was there with Carly. "But right now, we can't afford to overlook anything. I'll be home soon, all right? And maybe it's best if we not say anything to Brenda right now. If I'm wrong, then I don't want her to get all up in arms over nothing." "You're right," Carly said, "that's probably for the best. But it doesn't matter, because you're wrong, there's another explanation, and we're going to figure out what it is." Carly said a last 'I love you' before hanging up the phone and burying her face in her hands. "Oh, Brenda," she said, shaking her head. "For your sake more than anyone, I really hope that none of this is true."

Brenda walked back to her hotel room, thinking about what Alexis had told her. Could Jax really still want to be with her? Could the effects of seeing her again after such a long time be clouding his judgement? She really did need him right now, and she quite frankly didn't want to think about the possibility of a reconciliation. Truth be told, if the possibility wasn't there, she didn't think she could face it, or live with herself. Brenda smiled as she reflected on Jax's life now. He was certainly surrounded by people who loved him and were concerned for his welfare. He was obviously close to Bryan, and had that father/son relationship that he had always longed to share. And if things didn't work out between Jax and herself, then Jax had Alexis. And no matter what Alexis said, she knew there was more than friendship there. With Lois, Jax had friendship. But with Alexis, there was a closeness that one only shared with a lover, or a potential lover. How she hoped that that wasn't true.

He has every reason though, Brenda thought to herself. As she walked down the street, allowing the wind to chill her to her bones, she thought of that case, of that night that had taken Jax away from her. She had been working for Terry Leon for three months, trying to find out what had happened to his son. Brenda didn't know what business Mr. Leon was in, however, and when she found out, instead of listening to Jax, she went to him, and confronted him. To say that she had come at the wrong time would be an understatement. When Leon had realized that Brenda had heard a few minor details of his buisness meeting, he'd shot at her on sight. Dodging bullet after bullet, Brenda made her way to an alleyway below, and jumped the last three flights from a window and broken fire escape. She'd twisted her ankle, but she ran on it anyway, trying to escape with her life. Terry Leon made it to the street just as Brenda rounded a corner, shooting her at point blank range just as she started to round a corner. She'd gone down on a public street, and if it hadn't been for a nearby cop patrolling the area at Jax's request, Brenda may very well have been killed.

Shortly thereafter, Brenda had turned Leon and his thugs in to the police, and testified against them all, sending them up the river for the rest of their natural lives. The end of one problem, but the beginning of another. When Jax saw her in the hospital, he was nothing but loving and caring, will her to live with all his might. Once she recovered, and came home from the hospital, he made sure she was settled in, and while waiting for him to join her in bed, she found the note that he had been planning to write and leave for her. "What is this?!" she'd asked when he came into the bedroom. His eyes focused on the piece of paper as his mind searched for an excuse, any excuse. He wasn't so sure he could leave her now. Not now that he saw the look of fear, pain, and abandonment in her eyes. Finally, his heart resigned itself to the pain he knew he would always feel. "What is it?" she asked again, the anger gone from her voice.
"We can't change the way we were,
But we can change the way we are.
All I really wanted from this crazy love,
Was a night so full of stars, that our
hearts could not pretend.
What I wouldn't give, to have that crazy love again.
I believe in second chances, and
I'm holding on for sure,
to your crazy love, to your crazy love.
Crazy love."

He came to sit beside her on the bed, taking her trembling hands in his own. She tried to pull away, but he held her fast. She looked into his eyes and saw nothing but pure love. Perhaps he wouldn't really leave her, no matter what the note said. Maybe there was still a chance. "Brenda," he said, not knowing where to begin or how to say the words he vowed he'd never say. "I can't do this anymore," is what finally came out. "Do what?" she asked, taking his face in her hands. She drew him closer to her, trying in vain to seduce him into a few more hours of bliss before he ended it all. She could feel the hurt in his heart and she would have done anything to stop the pain for him and prevent it entirely for herself. He took her wrists in his hands and stared at her, his eyes ice blue. "Brenda, listen to me sweetheart, we've been close to this for a long while, now. It's time, that's all." "Time? Time for what, Jax? It's not time for anything but you to get into this bed with me. We've been apart too long, and I need the kind of heeling that only you can provide."
"I lived my life for you,
ooh, and honey but now I'm left with me.
Hanging on to pieces of what used to be.
And no matter how I try,
when I feel another's touch,
It brings me back to why I miss our crazy love so much."

"And you know that I'd like nothing more than to give it to you," he said, his voice growing hoarse. "But what good is prolonging the inevitable? We can't do this anymore, and you know it. Making love to you right now would only make it hurt worse. And I'm not sure I could really let you go, but this way, I--" "I don't understand why you're doing this at all!" she said, climbing out of bed. He put up his hands to stop her, but she stubbornly got up anyway, grimacing at the stiches pulled with every move. She sat down in his lap, preventing him from leaving. She put her forehead to his and begged with the voice of a little girl. "Don't do this Jax," she whispered. "I need you too much." "You don't need me, Brenda. You need the rush. You need the mystery. I can't give that to you." "What are you saying?" she said, growing angry at him. "I'm saying that your life doesn't mean anything to you when it comes to risking your own life. You didn't have to go out and confront Leon about this whole mess. You could have stayed here the way I begged you to. You could have been killed, Brenda."

Brenda rolled her eyes and tried to get out of Jax's lap. His hand slipped towards her inner thigh and he held her close to him. She involuntarily put an arm around his shoulders. "Brenda," he said, "I'm not going to compete with you and this job of yours. I am not going to sit here praying that you don't get yourself killed. I mean Jason, Julia, Carly even, take cases that are dangerous, but not the foolhardy ones. What was this all about anyway? Trying to one up Julia? If you had solved this case, it would have been an unprecedented occurance. But instead, your recklessness turned it into a gun battle that nearly cost me the woman I love. And you're not anywhere near stopping. Are you?"

"I know you're not asking me to give up my career, Jax." "I'm not," he said, standing up. "I'm doing the only thing I can. I'm letting you go." Brenda didn't think she heard him right. No matter what ever happened between them, she never pictured her life without him. Not ever. He'd always been there, he always would be--wouldn't he? "No, Jax," she said, the tears ebbing on her voice. "Please," she said, reaching out a shaking hand to touch his face. Her heart broke when he pulled away from her. "Brenda, don't make this harder than it is, all right? Please, I have to go." "You have to go? Just like that, everything we mean to each other, everything we've been through, it's just all thrown away?" "You threw it away when you agreed to take that Leon case, Brenda. You threw it away when you left here for what could have been the very last time. I'm not willing to love you even more than I do at this moment, only to have you taken away from me. I won't do it, and I won't ask you to give up your dream, to give up your love--"

"I believe in second chances,
And I'm holding on, for sure,
To your crazy love.
To your crazy love.
Crazy love.
I can light the fire, alone in the dark,
But maybe if we look inside, there's still a spark."

"You're my love!" she protested. He put up a hand to stop her. "Sweetheart, it's just no good. I'm sorry luv, but this has to end now before it ends up costing either of us too much." "It's already costing me too much if it's costing me you," Brenda said point blank. Jax just looked at her with a smile so full of love she imagined that perhaps he really had reconsidered. "My things are already packed," he said finally. "I'll be totally out of her by tomorrow morning." Brenda's jaw dropped open when she heard this, and a single tear fell which she removed quickly. "How dare you," she whispered. "How dare you leave this way, just walk away?" "Brenda I've stayed too long as it is. Please sweetheart, just let it go. Don't hold on too long to this, because it's going to eat you up inside." He touched her cheek softly, and she slapped his hand away. "Don't touch me!" she screamed. "Fine, if that's the way you want it. Get the hell out and don't come back. I'll send your things to you, wherever you are. It doesn't matter, just get out."

"Said I believe in second chances,
And I'm holding on, for sure,
To our crazy love,
It was crazy love."

"Brenda, I don't want it to end like this--" "You're the one that decided to end it at all!" she spat. "NO, luv, you did that when you left--" "Please, enough with the instant replay, Jasper." She never called him that unless emotions were extremely high between them. He knew then just how hurt she must really be. "I was there, all right? I know what happened. Just leave." "Brenda--" "Go! Now! Leave!" It was all she could say. She was on the brink of madness just thinking of how she was going to make it through this night, let alone all the ones that were to follow. Part of her thought if she punished him enough for even considering leaving her, that he'd come back and take care of her as he always had, and everything would be okay. Not this time. He walked into the livingroom with her on his heels. She had to see him walk out with her own eyes or every part of her would believe he'd simply slept on the couch. She wanted to take back all that she'd said, but her mouth couldn't, wouldn't work. He picked up his suitcase, and opened the door quickly, turning back in an instant, catching the look of pure pain on her face before she could mask it.

"Brenda, I--" she didn't stop him, she only stared, but his own voice caught in his throat. "Please know that I'll always love you," he said, before turning and slamming the door as she took a tentative step towards him. She let out a tremendous wail and fell to the floor as soon as he had gone. He let his own tears fall as he silently stepped onto the elevator...

Brenda stopped in her tracks when she heard the loud car horn honking. She jumped back up on the curb, just before the car screamed past her. It was enough of a jolt to scare her into paying attention to her surroundings once again. The sky was growing darker by the minute as she made her way to the hotel where she was staying, and finally up to her room. She had a bit of a head ache, and she reasoned that Jax must still be in a small amount of pain. She remembered when they were children and he would miss almost a week of school when one of his episodes occurred. "This wasn't fair to you," she whispered to herself. "I'm sorry." She plopped down on the bed, and sighed. She hoped Jax would help her, but after seeing him after all this time, she knew she'd be okay if he didn't come back with her after all. But if there was any fairness in the world at all, if he ever loved her at all, he'd do this for her, no questions asked, no matter what his protests had been. She jumped up when she heard her cell phone rigning.

"Hello?" she said.

"Brenda, it's me. Jax."

"What is it?" she asked, urgently. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine luv, I just had a bit of news for you."

"What?" she asked, not having any idea what he could possibly have to say to her after having just seen her.

"I wanted to know if your offer still stood."

"Offer?"

"Yes, Brenda. The one to go back to Port Chares with you. If it's still on the table, I'd very much like to go back with you, and help in any way that I can."

Music Credits: "Crazy Love" by Luther Vandross from his "Your Secret Love" CD.