| The Beginning.... |
| Thursday January 9, 2003 Well there's no better place to start than right here, so let me give you some background information on me. I'm 30 years old, 5'3" and as of the present I weigh approx. 260 lbs. This is the highest I have ever been. I have never been any good at losing weight no matter how hard I tried. The most I ever lost was a total of 35lbs. And that came back with a vengence plus some more. Now don't get me wrong, I loved to work out (strange huh?). I got into it when I was trying to apply for the NYPD. I joined a gym and had a personal trainer. Now at the time I was overweight, but not obese. I busted my hump at that gym, starting at 5-5:30 am. And I would be there for at least an hour to an hour and a half. No breaks, just went from one machine to the next to weights, and around again. I was also eating right. Not only was my trainer purposely getting me ready for PD but he was also a nutrionist. I thought I was doing everything right, and according to my doctor I was. But after 19 months of working out 5 to 6 times a weeks for 60 to 90 minutes I lost a total of 15 lbs. Now yes I know muscle weighs more than fat, but come on. It was at this time I knew it was more to my weight lose problems than just diet and exercise. I'm not saying that I was a saint when it came to dieting, but when I did set my mind to it I was good. But nothing seemed to help. I did the whole thing, weight watchers, jenny craig, nutra system, diet pills (off the counter) slim fast, the grapefruit diet etc etc...... I even went as far as taking speed, industrial street strength. And even that did nothing for my metabolism. No matter what I did or didn't do I continued to gain. I stil looked good for what I was, and many people including my trainer never could believe what I actually weighed. I was blessed with having my weight proportioned evenly throughout my body. So I still felt and looked good for my size. I was able at one point to maintain my weight for quite some time. I went up and down, but nothing dramatic. At least not until I started to have a series of problems. It first started with a horseback riding fall I took. I didn't break anything, Thank God, but I ended up developing bursitis in my left thigh. That ended my training, at least I thought so. It was discovered through xrays that I had a benign bone tumor. And I began bone treatments that put me out of commision. To make matters worse just over a year later I would tear the ligaments and tendons in my left ankle playing street hockey on new years day (twisted of course). This would permanently remove me from working out for quite some time. What wasn't helping the situation was I had been hit with rocky spotted mountain fever (yeah I know only me), and it really devasted my immune system. My doctors think it was at this point my body and metabolism started to shut down. I was gaining weight and with both accidents I was unable to sustain my weight. Finally after joining another gym, a few years later, my leg started swelling around the area of my tumor. I went back to my oncologist to be told that I was no longer allowed to work out. I didn't have one yet but if I continued I would develop stress fractures in the bone. To put it bluntly I would lose my leg if it broke. You see my benign tumor was as wide as my thigh bone situated at the top of the bone itself, inside it. Surgery was already ruled out due to its size and it was at this point I began to believe I would never lose the weight. And for the time being I was right. I continued to gain. And it affected every aspect of my life and depression set in, making it worse. I still dated here and there but what realy broke my confidence was when I was dating this one guy, I had fallen head over heels. I really began to wonder could this be it? But as great as the relationship was I was never to be a part of his life. In other words he came to see me, hung out by me, and hung out with my freinds. But for me, I was a mystery to his friends and family. His brother used to bug me when I would come up and visit. But it was never to be, you see he was embarrassed because I wasn't this beautiful model. I was fat, cute but fat. He needed to uphold a standard. Needless to say stupid me stayed with him. I was convinced that his feelings for me would overcome his fears of what his friends would say. Well that relationship is well behind me now, but that doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt me to know that after all the time we spent together, I was a dirty secret. You see that is always how I felt. My brother used to never talk about me to his friends and when they would meet me they would be like, wow I didn't know he had 3 sisters. That hurt. And it always seemed like someone in my family would be advising me how to eat and diet. And this advice would always come at dinner time. It figures right. You would think with all the lost appetites at dinner I wuld have lost something. Nope. Well now here I am. But things are different this time. Because this time I have hope. I know that this procedure can change everything for me. I'll feel better, look better, live longer, be able to have kids, be able to enjoy riding on my boyfriend's harley. What is helping me is how supportive everyone has become. Especially my boyfriend. Who showed me that no matter what I look like I deserve to be loved. My immediate family knows, and his brother and sister-in-law know. But thats it. This is my choice and my business, I don't anyone telling me that without this I couldnt have done it. Now that is the truth but I don't want it said as a put down, like I couldn't do it otherwise. I'm scared and excited at the prospect of a whole new life. I've never been thin in my life. I've always been the chubby kid, the fat girl, the embarrassment, the one who was crying in the changing room at lane bryants because of what the store stood for. My boyfriend is nervous too. He's afraid he'll lose me to all the unwanted attention that will come. But that wont make a difference, because out of everyone, he was the only one who didn't want to change me. He loved me exactly the way I was. My sisters too. They have been such a great support to me. We can't wait until all three of us can swap clothes. I know I will always be me, but maybe know I will love me a little bit more, and I'll finally do the things I used to love to do. And share it with the one I love. So this is where my journey begins...... |
 |