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| September 2006 |
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| Friday September 1, 2006: Can you just see the big cheese smile on my face? That's right I am finally back down to my lowest weight loss of 98 lbs!!! And that's a 3 week straight loss in a row. I'm not doing anything different except eating a real dinner and actually eating something other than granola bars for breakfast. Who would have thought that..huh? That doesn't mean ruling out exercise. I am finally almost recouped from the exhaustion of working nights in that heat |
| and this weather is killing me. My leg has been aching and the swelling around the tumor has been hurting pretty bad. This rain has been almost non-stop these past 2 weeks, and there's still more to come. Can someone say ouch!! I don't know but I can pretty much say that my headache problems are probably a mix of this weather and my blood pressure. I finally |
| made an appointment with the cardiologist, not soon enough. I have been having a lot of chest pains and my blood pressure is definitely running high. I don't know what is causing this. It's getting really scary, because my arm hearts and so does my shoulder. I don't know if it's stress or something else medically causing, like my heart. It does scare me because all my life up until my surgery I never took care of myself, I didn't care. And the fact that heart failure runs in my family. So yes I am worried. But I will find out what the hell is going on with my heart. Well I'm hungry and I want to curl up in bed with my book. I need to get my mind off of wedding stuff that has to get done. I have been really stressing and worrying myself about how everything is going to turn out. I'm afraid of everything falling short of what I have in my head, don't get me wrong I know it won't be perfect but I have to try.... Night!!!! |
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| Wednsday September 6, 2006: I am in a really bad place right now. I actually don't want to eat, I just feel like crying. I'm just not the person I used to be. Other than my sisters and my fiance I have no friends. I have aquaintances, and coworkers but I really don't have any real friends any more. The closet thing I have to a girlfriend is my gay friend in CT. That's it, just him. I kept my wedding list small because one I don't have that kind of money and two, other than family I don't have many people who I am not related to who would come out here. I guess I'm just feeling really alone because my mom is all upset that my coworkers are not coming to my bridal shower, which honestly I knew no one would. They are not going to drive all the way to Westchester County for someone they haven't known forever. I've been sitting here since she called and I have realized that since I was raped I have changed so much. I can't say that I keep people at a distance from me, I am always open and friendly. Maybe I try to hard, maybe I make myself too available. Like that girl I worked with at my last job. We went to lunch all the time, I drove out of my way to take her home and she couldn't even return my call when I was no longer there. I feel like I have this huge sign on me that says "LOSER". When I was in high school I knew so many people, I was always saying hi to someone and hanging with someone, getting invited somewhere. I feel like I am always putting myself out there for people and I get used and left behind. What is wrong with me? I know I am extremely loyal and I'm pretty good about keeping in touch. So what is it? Am I doing something that makes people think I am not worth being friends with? Are people already set with their friends that they can't be bothered with having another? This whole night makes me wish I could crawl in a hole and wish the whole wedding day away. I really do. Okay I'm sorry, I have carried on enough. I just don't have anyone else I can let this all out to. |
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| Friday September 8, 2006: Okay I'm sorry about the other day. I was really in a bad way and I have been letting things really get to me. It's hard not having the close friends I once had or having my family closer to me to really get involved in all the thinga everyone told me that I would have a blast doing. Like registering. It's been lonely cause I hear so many stories of brides having a great time with their girlfriends, and I know not everyone is like that but I still wish I had some of it. I'm still so worried about the whole "how I am going to look" on that day. No doubt I am a world away from what I used to look like 2 yrs ago, but I see that skinny girl inside of me in my mind and then I look in the mirror and it hurts that I'm not there yet. But I'm dealing. I'm recognizing my feelings and dealing with them. No one is perfect, nothing happens exactly the way you want it to, but I can try and just have fun. Easier said than done. i just need to vent it out once in a while. On to my weight. I'm still holding at 190, which is good. Not gaining the weight back is good, but I still want to be at 100 lbs lost by the wedding. I think I can do. I pray I can do it. Till next week... Ciao!!!! Thursday September 21, 2006: Sorry I didn't check in last week. Nothing much has changed, I haven't lost any more weight but at least I haven't gained so that is always a good thing. I had my bridal shower this weekend. I had a great time and got some amazing gifts. My family is truly amazing. I also went for my dress fitting last night. I still can't believe it, I'm getting married....lol. I'm still checking into my chest problems. My blood pressure seems under control, but the pain has been really bad. My caridologist wants me to be treated for my hypothyroidism, and I have to now see a rhuemetologist to rule out lupus. Which I highly doubt, I'm leaning towards an adrenal problem. We shall see, I have to call my endocrinologist and see him and have another breast examine to rule out another breast tumor to make sure that is not what is causing the pain. Well it's time to clean up and hit the hay. Nite everyone!!! |
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