SO-207
Professor Sarah "Doc" Coleman
Oral Presentation ("Hey Butthead he said ORAL hehheh")
By Jerry "The Clown Prince of Karma" Avissato, AKA "The Clapso"
I'd like to start this presentation by warning that I'll be touching on several of the "suggested topics" for this report. I will be avoiding mummies for the sake of Doc's sanity. I may throw in a Chia Pet� reference for Hoff though. I would like also to say that I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are mostly ceremonial.
The following touches on heresy. There was a time when people would be burnt at the stake for lesser crimes then reading this. I received it via a mass emailing which offered no reference to the author. It is meant to be a humorous rewrite of the Judeo/Christian creation myth. I personally find it very funny and hope you do too.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "Oh, There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize 'em." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally, low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight Watchers.
It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments.
And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement.
It didn't help her either.
Most of us would probably not find what I just read to be heresy. The fact that some would and some wouldn't points to the fact that personal belief is the primary determinant on this and all other religious meaning. By that, I mean that the meaning of whatever particular holy writ your religion is based on, the meaning of said writ is completely subjective. The ranting of religious leaders aside, YOU decide what your religion means to you. This is what leads to the holy war I mentioned in the title. People disagree what is correct under the teachings of their religion and then go about finding ways to kill the "non-believers" in large numbers. The difficulty in finding consensual meaning in holy writ is further complicated by, to steal a phrase from Eddie Brickel, the "Lie in the fog" aspect of religious teachings. As an example of this "Lie in the fog" style of religious writing I will read holy writ from the Dyscordians. For those of you that have never heard of the Dyscordian religion, said religion is described as "either a serious religion masquerading as a complicated joke, or a complicated joke masquerading as a religion.
Within the body of the text, there is a reference to The LAW OF NEGATIVE REVERSAL, which states that if something does not happen then the exact opposite will happen, only in exactly the opposite manner from that in which it did not happen.
There is also a reference to the holy cow, spelled c-h-a-o. Directly below this sentence is a graphic of the holy Chao.
I will now read from the book of Uterus, all hail Eris, goddess of chaos.
This is taken from the Honest Book of Truth revealed to Lord Omar
1. Before the beginning was the Nonexistent Chao, balanced in Oblivion by the Perfect Counterpushpull of the Hodge and the Podge.
2. Whereupon, by an Act of Happenstance, the Hodge began gradually to overpower the Podge -- and the Primal Chaos thereby came to be.
3. So in the beginning was the Primal Chaos, balanced on the Edge of Oblivion by the Perfect Counterpullpush of the Podge and the Hodge.
4. Whereupon, by the Law of Negative Reversal, the Podge swiftly underpowered the Hodge and everything broke loose.
5. And therein emerged the Active Force of Discord, the Subtle Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao, to guide Everything along the Path back to Oblivion - that it might not become lost among Precepts of Order in the Region of Thud.
6. Forasmuch as it was Active, the Force of Discord entered the State of Confusion, wherein It copulated with the Queen and begat ERIS, Our Lady of Discord and Gross Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao.
7. Moreover, under Eris Confusion became established, and was hence called Bureaucracy while over Bureaucracy Eris became established, and was hence called Discordia.
8. By the by it came to pass that the Establishment of Bureaucracy perished in a paper shortage.
9. Thus it was, in accord with the Law of Laws.
10. During and after the Fall of the Establishment of Bureaucracy was the Aftermath, an Age of Disorder in which calculation, computations, and reckonings were put away by the Children of Eris in Acceptance and Preparation for the Return to Oblivion to be followed by a Repetition of the Universal Absurdity. Moreover, of Itself the Coming of Aftermath waseth a Resurrection of the Freedom-flowing Chaos. HAIL ERIS!
11. Herein was set into motion the Eristic Pattern, which would Repeat Itself Five Times Over Seventy-three Times, after which nothing would happen.
At this point, I'll point out that this talk is meant as a short primer on my subjective thoughts regarding religion. The reason I tagged this as part one in the title is because there is a part two. Part two is in essay form and concerns itself with the real religion of the U.S. I speak here of the HIGH AND HOLY CHURCH OF WANT AND GREED. In this way I pull a sleazy trick and turn one assignment into two and hope Doc lavishes me with extra credit for the essay so I can eek out a "D" for this course.
Now a word from our sponsor. For those that wish to read part two, go to my website www.foodforjerry.com. You'll find some of my essays under the Food for Friends link (subheaded Our Community page) located on the upper left of the screen under the heading Cornucopia. Once you're at the Community page, just read the text to find the link to the essay index. Do feel free to partake of the most popular religious ritual in the United States, SHOPPING! At my site, you will be able to pray at the altars of about 35 merchants. If you have a valid credit card that is. End of shameless plug. In the words of Mr. Rogers, formally a professor at MVCC, "That's enough of this stuff!"
Read, Think, Speak, Write, Be!