By Jerry "Clapso" Avissato
Essay 6 FD
EN-101 Fall 1999
Professor Cynthia Vallenti
Persuasive
I float gently
In a fractal universe
The colors of the cycling palette
Take me through spirals made of willow
As Lucy in the sky plays in fields of teal lightning
Picture yourself in a galaxy of repeating snowflake stars
As plastacine sea horse spinnerets eat purple flies
*DING DONG*
"Wha?"
*DING DONG*
I fall what seems like forever. I hit the ceiling, or is it the floor, very hard.
*DING DONG*
It takes me a half-century, or is it a half minute; to realize I'm sprawled spread eagle on my bedroom floor.
*DING DONG*
I glance at the clock, gees it's noon, who would be stupid enough to wake me in the middle of the night?
*DING DONG*
"DAMNIT! I'm coming for the love of Pete!"
I stand up too quickly and get a wave of light-headedness that's just enough to cause me to lose my balance. I over compensate, stumble, and bark my shin on the steel frame of the bed.
*DING DONG*
As I hop around on one foot trying to rub my skinned shin, I stub my big toe causing a rush of pain that brings me fully awake.
*DING DONG*
I half run, half slide down the stairs, stubbing my other big toe as I round the landing.
*DING DONG*
I arrive at the front door just in time for�
*DING DONG*
I take a deep breath and open the door very slowly, in order to avoid hitting my good shin with the door. Who do I see standing on my porch? Two representatives of the 700 club! Both are dressed in that conservative polyester look that could only come from K-Mart.
"Good afternoon." She says.
He just smiles brainlessly
"It's not the former and barely the latter." I answer
"Excuse me?" he says
"It is not good and barely afternoon." I explain.
"We've been talking to some of your neighbors about Jesus." She answers a question nobody asked.
"How nice, well I won't keep you, feel free to talk to the rest of my neighbors about Jesus." I say as I try to close the door.
He sticks his foot in the door. I'm sorely tempted to slam the door on his foot, but I'm always kind to animals and fools.
"Look�I realize you feel the bible tells you to spread the good word and all that, but I'm an atheist�"
"Have you read the bible?" she asks.
"Why yes, I read it cover to cover when I was fifteen. I felt it had a weak hook and frame and God should have used more linking words in the Ten Commandments."
They look at each other as if to communicate telepathically which bible verse would be appropriate in this situation.
"Did we come at a bad time?" he asks.
"Well as a matter of fact you woke me from the most interesting dream�"
"Dreams are the work of Satan." She insists.
"Yeah, everything is the work of Satan, if God would get off his duff and declare world peace or something, then maybe I would believe in him. Until then it looks as if Satan is the only one who's employed"
"Would you like to be saved?" he asks.
"No thanks." I say through clenched teeth.
"I would like to go back to sleep now if you don't mind." I say as I step on the foot he has in my door. He withdraws the offending appendage quickly.
I just hate it when someone tries to sell me something I have no interest in. I watch as they go to their car. I take down the plate number. I bribe a friend who works at the DMV to run a make on the plate. At two AM on the following Saturday I ring their doorbell.
*DING DONG*
Nothing happens
*DING DONG*
I hear a loud thump from somewhere inside the house.
*DING DONG*
Someone yells something I can't quite make out.
*DING DONG*
The hall light comes on and I watch through the little window in the door as he stubs his toe coming around the landing.
*DING DONG*
He arrives at his front door limping and rubbing his shin. I chuckle as he bangs his good shin as he opens the door.
"Good morning, I've been talking to some of your neighbors about atheism�"
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
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