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Full name: Panaro
Nicknames: "The Bruiser", "Panarno", "Panamaro", "Pecos Bill"
Born: October 10th, 1985, in the Philippines or something. Maybe in America. I don't know
Death: Probably around June 8th, 2053
Favorite Movies: Soul Food, The Sandlot, Forrest Gump, he loves all the classics.
Favorite TV Show: Seinfeld (as if there were any other)
Best Friends: Just me, pretty much.
Favorite Food: Brussels Sprouts
Favorite Drink: Dr. Pepper |
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When Brandon Panaro was born, his mother and father knew he was special, because he was all shriveled and yellow. Little did they know that his liver was failing, so the only option was to give him a liver from a giraffe. My did that have an effect on the boy! By age 3 he could read and write, and composed the first of his many Musicals (you may know it as "Grease"). By age 5, he decided to start pumping iron. When age 7 rolled around, he was 4 foot 1, and a staggering 205 pounds, due to the excess muscle mass. When he was told that he should refrain from physical activity for a year, he threw his doctor out the window and told his mom to make him a porterhouse steak. At age 8, he was discovered by a modeling agency, and posed for many GapKids ads. It was during this time that he realized he was not cut out to get by on his looks, and decided to lose some of the muscle mass. At age 11, he was a cool 155 pounds, and the ladies couldn't stay off of him. One time I saw him at Giant Eagle with like 400 girls following him, chanting "Panaro is cool" or something like that. During his preteen years he developed a lust for botany, and at age 13 spliced a redwood tree and a pumpkin plant together, producing a very dangerous redwood-pumpkin tree (11 people were killed by falling pumpkins). After his 13 month stay in prison, in which he learned how to tie his shoes and fight off horny old men at the same time, he returned home to find his family living on a farm. Stunned, but happy, he sailed on the Mississippi with his slave, Jim, and did a whole bunch of neat things. At age 15 he entered high school, and quickly made it his own. He automatically got A's from all his female teachers due to attractiveness, and sported a rather wicked-looking goatee. On his 16th birthday, his parents bought him a unicycle, and he rode it all the way to Berlin, and back. Fluent in German due to that trip, he decided enough was enough, and changed his name to "Hugh G. Rection". That change lasted about 15 minutes, when he realized that it meant something naughty. After his 17th birthday, he was hailed as the king of NHS, where he stands today. Currently he was 5 girlfriends, 3 Porsches, and an autographed picture of Lenny Dykstra in a see-thru thong. Panaro is truly a wonderous human being, and we should all learn from his trials, and tribulations. |
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