I'm getting rather frazzled at the moment what with moving, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, if I want to go back to college, and if I do what I want to take there, and trying to save up to move *again* in a couple of months. Not to mention the search for a new job is about to begin as well. I also had my doctor's appointment yesterday.

After a dr. apt. I always leave with a feeling of depression - as it is a reality check for me. I come to see exactly how screwed I really am. We started out all right. But after the question of when I take my insulin it started to go down hill from there. By the time we got to discuss my diet she was openly amazed that I was still alive. Which is never a good sign. I even caught her flipping through my blood work results twice to make sure I wasn't suffering from any major side effects of the diabetes.

I've had this disease for 20 years now. I don't remember ever not having to have needles, or think of how many carbohydrates what I was eating was worth. Right now I'm supposed to be taking four insulin injections a day. But because of my odd sleep schedule this turns into two or sometimes three. If I miss my NPH dose I become fevered and dehydrated and am useless for about 12 hours. If I take too much insulin I go into a coma.

My blood sugar levels are completely out of control right now. It was due to my high blood sugar that I was forced to withdraw from my program at school. The stress of it combined with trying to keep my job was literally killing me. I missed practically every third day of class because I couldn't move. I was only forced to the emergency room three times over the semester because my roommies thought I'd had it, and each time I was simply given an IV and put in the corner for about six hours. So now I just drink water, take a shot of insulin, lie down and hope that I'll wake up again.

Not very reliable perhaps...but it's worked so far.

Now there is a little internal bleeding in my eyes. It's not bad enough that I have to worry. But if I don't control my blood sugar it could get there.

Naturally, I'm a little scared. And also very hateful of this disease. But I'm stuck with it until I die so there's not much I can really do but work with it.

My dr. gave me two options. One involves a lot of therapy and consultations, a new insulin, and to completely change who I am through a behavior specialist.

The other involves a $6 000 machine that will be attached to me 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. It will pump 400+ injections of insulin into me everyday, and I can increase the amount for when I eat, and decrease when I exercise or sleep. So it would be like having a pancreas again.

But I could never take it off, and I would have a wire hanging out of my stomach forever. The thought of getting it caught on something and then being ripped out is rather unappealing.

Though it does come with a vibrating option and handy key chain remote for discrete adjustments. Which would really suck if I lost it and the cat rolled on the control buttons.

So, I've got a lot occupying my brain cell right now. Maybe after I've solved one of my problems I can sit down and write some more. Until then I'll be screaming.

-Jules