QFJMP0200
%
"Such senseless violence! I don't understand it."
"We don't expect you to. If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd be on in
prime time."

	-- Marge and Lisa in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"Beer! Now there's a temporary solution."

	-- Homer in Homer's Odyssey
%
Bart: "I think this guy's a little crazy."
Grandpa: "General Patton was a little crazy. This guy's totally out of his
mind! We can't fail!"

	-- Bart the General
%
"Three. Family Jewels."

	-- letter begin written by Grandpa Simpson
%
"But now it's time to say good-bye. Please get off my property until next
year. I suggest you don't dawdle - the hounds will be released in ten
minutes."

	-- Mr. Burns in There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
"Was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of heavily salted
snack treats?"

	-- lawyer from Krusty Gets Busted
%
"Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of"
heavily salted snack treats?"
%
"Don't have a cow, Homer!"

	-- Bart
%
"Later grizzly dudes!"

	-- Bart in Call of the Simpsons
%
"*SLURP* *SLURP* *SLURP* *THUD*"
"*SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK*"
"*SQUINK* *SQUINK*"

	-- Maggie
%
"Not the crappy little elves!"

	-- Bart in the babysitter episode ( Some Enchanted Evening ?)
%
"Look lady, we've seen the crappy little elves!"

	-- Bart in the babysitter episode ( Some Enchanted Evening ?)
%
"If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're mistaken!"

	-- Homer in Homer's Odyssey
%
"When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a
bottle. THEY'RE ON TV!"

	-- Homer in There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
literates. Why, just look at these humorous caricatures of Gore Vidal."

	-- Sideshow Bob in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the"
Springfield Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of
Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag."

	-- Sideshow Bob in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"Don't blame me. I didn't do it!"

	-- Krusty Gets Busted
%
Krusty:	"Hey kids, who do you love?"
kids:		"Krusty!!"
Krusty:	"How much do you love me?"
kids:		"With all our hearts!"
Krusty:	"What would you do if I went off the air?"
kids:		"WE'D KILL OURSELVES!"

	-- Krusty Gets Busted
%
"Stay away from that jazz man, Lisa. Nothing personal ... I just fear the
unfamiliar."

	-- Marge in Moaning Lisa
%
"Chocolate ... double chocolate ... *gasp!* New flavor! Triple chocolate!"

	-- Homer in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"Krusty has small feet. Like all good-hearted people."

	-- Bart in Krusty Gets Busted
%
Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all
good-hearted people.

	-- Bart in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"That's a good question, son. Being popular is the most important thing in
the world."
"I'm glad you asked that son. Being popular is the most important thing in
the world."

	-- Homer in Tell Tale Head
%
"Ah, the life of a frog; that's the life for me."

	-- Bart in Crepes of Wrath
%
Bart: "You gotta help me! These two guys work me night and day. They don't
feed me. They make me sleep on the floor. They put anti-freeze in the wine
and they gave my red hat to the donkey!"
French policeman: "Anti-freeze in the wine?! That is a very serious crime!"

	-- English subtitles in Crepes of Wrath
%
"JUST a statue! Is the Statue of Liberty JUST a statue? Is the Leaning Tower
of 'pizza' JUST a statue?"

	-- Homer to Bart in Tell-Tale Head (Homer pronounced it as
	 'pizza' not 'Pisa')
%
"A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center."

	-- Homer in Tell-Tale Head
%
"Can I have some applesauce?"

	-- Homer in Call of the Simpsons while being kept for observation.
%
"Gee, Dad. You must really love us to sink *THIS* low."

	-- Bart to Homer in Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
%
"Say it isn't so, Krusty."

	-- Bart in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American
Revolution, World War II and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn
more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with
cool, gory pictures."

	-- Bart in Bart the General
%
"Toreador, don't spit on the floor, use the cuspidor, that's what it's for."

	-- Bart
%
"Oooooh Homer, my brilliant beast."

	-- Marge in Call of the Simpsons
%
"In times of trouble, go with what you know."

	-- Homer in Call of the Simpsons (?)
%
"Hasta Lambada, Dudes"

	-- Bart
%
"Don't rock the boat, man."

	-- Bart
%
Principal Skinner: "You'll be getting an Albanian [student]."
Homer: "You mean all white with pink eyes?"

	-- Homer in Crepes of Wrath
%
"Hey, this is not a lending library. Put the magazine back or I'll blow your
heads off."

	-- Apu, the Kwik-E-Mart clerk, in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"Yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I work in a convenience
store, you know."

	-- Apu, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"Don't blame me. I didn't do it."

	-- Krusty in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"I've got a hankerin' for some pork products."

	-- Krusty in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"The cannon! The cannon!"

	-- kids on Krusty's show in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"The blues isn't about feelin' better ... it's about makin' other
people feel worse (and makin' a few bucks while you're at it)."

	-- Bleedin' Gums Murphy, the Jazz Man in Moaning Lisa
%
??:  "It IS stealing!"
Bart: "I didn't want to think we were deluding ourselves."

	-- Bart in the Tell-Tale Head (?)
%
"You're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates."

	-- Mr. Burns (Homer's boss) in Homer's Odyssey
%
"Give me a break, man!"
"Oh, man!"
"Hey, dude!"
"Hey, Homer!"

	-- Bart
%
Marge: "You don't even know why you're sorry!"
Homer: "Yes I do. Because I'm hungry, my shirt is smelly, and I'm tired!"

	-- Homer's Night Out
%
"Now we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze. But remember, because
these are children's toys, the fire will spread quite rapidly. So, please
stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes."

	-- Minister in Krusty Gets Busted
%
Homer: "And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear and they
don't like it. Besides there's nothing to be afraid of."
[sound of Maggie *SLURP* *SLURP* *SLURP*]
Homer: "A rattler!!"
Bart:  "I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid"
Homer: "RUN you fool"

	-- Call of the Simpsons
%
"I have 10 bowling pins in my heart. You have knocked over 8. Would you
please pick up zat spare?"

	-- Jacques to Marge in Jacques to be Wild
%
"Ya' know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She
said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment' and God bless her soul, she was
really onto something."

	-- Homer in There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
"The boy. Bring me the boy."

	-- Homer in The Crepes of Wrath
%
"You can march them off a cliff, you can send them to certain death in some
god-forsaken land, but for some reason you can't slap them."

	-- Grandpa in Bart the General
%
Lisa: "Mom, I'm scared."
Marge: "We all are, dear, but your father says everything is all right."

	-- Call of the Simpsons
%
"Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore."

	-- Krusty in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"Oh, so that's it. This is some sort of underwear thing."

	-- Homer about Lisa in Moaning Lisa
%
"Where's my spy camera! (etc)"

	-- Bart to the MailWoman in Homer's Night Out
%
"Cross you heart, hope to die,
Stick a needle in your eye,
Jam a dagger in your thigh,
Eat a horse manure pie!"

	-- Bart in Homer's Night Out
%
"This place bites!"

	-- Bart at the Rusty Barnacle restaurant in Homer's
	 Night Out
%
Homer: "Sometimes I think we must be the worst family in Springfield."
Marge: "Well, maybe we should move to a larger community."

	-- There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Bart:  "You're giving in to mob mentality, Dad."
Homer: "No, I'm not, son. I'm hopping on the band wagon. Get with the
winning team."

	-- Krusty Gets Busted
%
Apu (Kwik-E-Mart clerk): "Haven't I seen you on TV somewhere before?"
Homer: "Nah, you have me confused with Fred Flintstone."

	-- Homer's Night Out
%
"Cowardly little runt. When I get a hold of you I'm going to gut you
like a fish and drink your blood."
"I'm gonna rip out your heart and drink your blood!"

	-- Moe, the Bartender, in Moaning Lisa
%
"Please turn off the television."

	-- Miss Botts, the babysitter, in Some Enchanted Evening
%
"I hope those horrible stories I heard about prison aren't true."
"I only hope those rumors I hear about what goes on in prison are greatly
exaggerated."

	-- Homer
%
"Krusty, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong and I'm sorry I fingered you
in court. I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what
goes on in prison are exaggerated."

	-- Homer in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"Some wise guy put a cork in this bottle."

	-- Homer in Crepes of Wrath
%
"Remember son ... the family jewels."

	-- Homer in Call of the Simpsons
%
"Try not to beat me so hard this time, son."
"Bart go easy on me. I'm your Dad."

	-- Homer about Video Boxing in Moaning Lisa
%
"Bart, you say butt kisser like it's a bad thing!"

	-- Homer in Bart the General
%
Bart: "Sir, did you lose your arm in the war?"
Herman: "Well, let's just say that the next time your teacher tells you
not to stick your arm out the bus window, you DO IT!"

	-- Bart the General
%
Marge: "Bart, you love your sister, don't you?"
Bart: "Don't make me say it. I know the answer. You know the answer.
He knows the answer. Let's just drop it, okay?"

	-- Moaning Lisa
%
"I will not instigate revolution."

	-- Bart's writing on the blackboard in Moaning Lisa
%
"Send in the clowns."

	-- ?? Krusty Gets Busted
%
"BART!"	 -- Homer in almost every episode
%
"Hmmmmm!"	-- Marge, when she thinks Homer has screwed up
%
Mr. Burns: "What a pathetic attempt to curry my favor."
Smithers: "Fabulous observation, sir. Just fabulous."

	-- There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
"Thank you, God!"

	-- Bob, the RV salesman, in Call of the Simpsons
%
"Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy."

	-- Homer in Moaning Lisa
%
"Aye, aye, mamba-man."

	-- Bart
%
"Oh, let's face it. I'm just not that bright."

	-- Homer
%
"Throw ze ball, Marge. Throw, damn you!"

	-- Jacques in Jacques to be Wild
%
"Lord help me, I'm just not that bright."

	-- Home in Some Enchanted Evening (babysitter ep?)
%
"First of all, I want you to know I like your face ... Yeah, I really do.
I'm not saying that ... I mean it. You've got color in there. You're not
Roman are you? ... Look like a god, sort of. Why don't we step into the
credit office, 'ZEUS'."

	-- Bob, the RV salesman, in Call of the Simpsons
%
"You have a lovely friend there, Marge. Let's hope something runs over her."

	-- Jacques in Jacques to be Wild
%
Unlike most of you, I am not a nut."

	-- Homer in Homer's Odyssey
%
teacher: "Bart, give us an example of a modern-day paradox."
Bart: "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."

	-- Bart the Genius
%
"I now take this opportunity to announce my retirement - undefeated - from
the world of video boxing."

	-- Bart in Moaning Lisa
%
"It's a classic Pinzer maneuver; it can't fail against a bunch of
ten-year-olds!"

	-- Herman in Bart the General
%
"Dear Advertisers: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on
television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Some of us
are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when
entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of
words I never want to hear on television again ..."

	-- Grandpa Simpson in Bart the General
%
"We *know* how it ends! They rescue (insert elf's name), jump around like
little green idiots, I puke, the end!"

	-- Bart to Lisa in Some Enchanted Evening
%
"You *know* what happens! They find Captain Kook's treasure, all the elves
dance around like little green idiots, I puke, the end!"

	-- Bart to Lisa in Some Enchanted Evening
%
"What the hell are you talking about, homeboy?"

	-- Bart to Homer
%
"*BOING!!*"   -- the rabbit entering a geosynchronous orbit in
	 Call of the Simpsons
%
"And if he runs away, he won't be hard to catch."

	-- Bart about the greyhound, Santa's Little Helper, Homer
	 brought home in Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
%
"Bart, meet the new champ."

	-- Lisa in Burp Contest (Tracy Ullman Show)
%
"Good drink, good meat; Good God, let's eat!"

	-- Homer in Eating Dinner (Tracy Ullman Show)
%
"Pagan rain dance - works every time."

	-- Bart in Pagans when it starts raining on Homer while
	 he is changing the tire on the car (Tracy Ullman Show)
%
"I knew it - not enough hot sauce."

	-- Lisa in Bart's Hiccups after pouring their secret
	 elixir of milk, ice cream, maple syrup, cream of broccoli
	 soup and hot sauce down Bart's throat
%
"I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?"

	-- Bart in Krusty the Clown (Tracy Ullman Show)
%
"It's almost like having a fifth sense or something!"

	-- Homer in Call of the Simpsons
%
Mr. Burns: "How does he do it?"
Smithers: "He's a love machine, sir."

	-- Homer's Night Out
%
"This is Patti [Marge's sister] holding a Mexican Delicacy called, a
'Taco Platter'."

	-- Marge's sisters showing slides
%
"Make it make it make it make it. It's good!! IT'S GOOD!!"

	-- Homer in Tell-Tale Head
%
"Give a hoot. Read a book."

	-- Krusty in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"The key to Springfield is Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians
knew it, and now you know it ..."

	-- Herman (?) in Bart the General
%
"You may emerge from the chips now sir -- you're chance to be a hero has long
since passed."

	-- Apu, the Kwikee Mart clerk, in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"I didn't kill Grandpa! Society killed Grandpa!!"

	-- Bart
%
Aunt Patty: "Nothing dear, I'm just trashing your father."
Lisa: "Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has the
same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have therefore he
is my model of manhood and my estimation of him will govern my prospects of my
adult relationships. So, I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a
knock at me and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts."
Aunt Patty: "Uh, huh. Go watch your cartoon show, dear."

	-- Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
%
"Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things such as this
'Homer' of yours."

	-- Jacques in Jacques to be Wild
%
"You know, Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the saddest day
of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things. Bart
experienced that at the age of 4."

	-- Homer in Moaning Lisa
%
"Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's outburst of
unbridled creativity."

	-- Principal Skinner in Moaning Lisa
%
"This is the way I've always thought it should be. We've always blamed
ourselves, but I guess we know what cylinder wasn't firing!"

	-- Homer in Crepes of Wrath
%
"I will not waste chalk"

	-- Chalkboard in Bart the Genius
%
"I will not skateboard down the halls"

	-- Chalkboard in Homer's Odyssey
%
"I will not burp in class"

	-- Chalkboard in There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
"I will not draw naked ladies in class"

	-- Chalkboard in Call of the Simpsons
%
"I did not see Elvis"

	-- Chalkboard in The Tell-Tale Head
%
"I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'"

	-- Chalkboard in Homer's Night Out
%
"Garlic Gum is not funny"

	-- Chalkboard in The Crepes of Wrath
%
"They are laughing at me, not with me"

	-- Chalkboard in Krusty Gets Busted
%
"I will not encourage others to fly"

	-- Chalkboard in Bart Gets An 'F'
%
"I will not fake my way through life"

	-- Bart on chalkboard in Bart Gets An 'F'
%
"Tar is not a Plaything"

	-- Chalkboard in Simpson And Delilah
%
Bart is an underachiever and is... um... how should I put this...
"proud of it."

	-- School psychiatrist Dr. J. Loren Pryor in Bart Gets
	An 'F'
%
As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade
	-- Bart in Bart Gets An 'F'
%
And if you don't (pass the fourth grade) at least you'll be bigger than
the other kids
	-- Homer to Bart in Bart Gets An 'F'
%
That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing
that ever happened to ya'. I got held back in the fourth grade myself -
twice! Look at me, man! Now I DRIVE the school bus!

	-- Otto to Bart on learning Bart could fail 4th Grade
%
Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, you sit in the
back row. And that's NOT just on the bus, it goes for school and
church, too.

	-- Bart to Martin in Bart Gets An 'F'
%
Prayer. The last refuge of a scoundrel.

	-- Lisa in Bart Gets An 'F'
%
"Doohhhh, outta tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Hey Lenny, are
you gonna use all your tartar sauce? (Lenny pulls his lunch out of
Homer's reach). Dry fishsticks, this sucks!"

	-- "bald" Homer in Simpson and Delilah
%
"For your free brochure send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza,
Hair City, Utah"

	-- Announcer in Simpson and Delilah
	"Dried fish sticks. This sucks!"
%
Homer's Boss: "How old do you think I am?"
Homer: "I dunno....a hundred and two?"

	-- Conversation with Mr. Burns in Simpson and Delilah
%
Alien:  "We get over a million channels"
Bart(?): "Do you have HBO?"
Alien:  "No, that costs extra"

	-- About the alien TV in Treehouse of Horror
%
Bart: "Wow, you speak English!!??"
Alien: "No, we are speaking Rigelian, but by some remarkable coincidence,
	they are exactly the same."

	-- Bart to alien in Treehouse of Horror
%
Alien: "Will everyone here from a species intelligent enough to master
	intergalactic space travel raise their hand!"

	-- Space monster after being razzed about his archaic
	Pong game
%
NARRATOR (James Earl Jones): Quoth the raven,
RAVEN-BART: "Eat my shorts!"

	-- Simpsons Treehouse of Horror in THE RAVEN
%
"It chose to destroy it self rather than live with us, you can't help
but feel a LITTLE rejected."

	-- Lisa as house destructed in Treehouse of Horror
%
"Radish rosettes! Those are very hard to make! This must be a
very advanced race!"

	-- Marge about the food in Treehouse of Horror
%
"Hello everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday.
Personally, I don't understand it. hmm hmm Kids worshiping ghosts,
pretending to be devils. oooh, things on TV that are COMPLETELY
inappropriate for younger viewers. Things like the following half
hour."

	-- Marge in the opening of Simpsons special
%
"This family's had it's differences and we've squabbled, but we never
had knife fights before..."

	-- Marge in Simpsons special
%
"Quit throwing garbage into our Dimension!!!"

	-- After Tomato is thrown into the vortex, Treehouse of Horror
%
"See? You're a pig! Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs.
Except for one difference - once in a while we can crawl out of the slop,
hose ourselves off and act like human beings."

	-- Moe in Some Enchanted Evening
%
"I said you're going to watch this tape, and you're going to do what I
say or I'm going to do something to you and I don't know what that is
because everybody has always done what I say!"

	-- Miss Botts in Some Enchanted Evening
%
"Ooooh! You mean the blue thing with the things?"

	-- Homer to Marge in Some Enchanted Evening
%
"Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the do-do."

	-- Mr. Burns in There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
"You know, I've been thinking. Everybody makes peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips over the side and the guys hands get
all sticky, but your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to.
I don't know how you do it, you've just got a gift, I guess. I've always
thought so. I just never mentioned it, but it's time you know how I feel -
I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. Good bye, my wife."

	-- Homer to Marge in Jacques to be Wild
%
"Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity and may Adil
has a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of
the workers."

	-- Homer in Crepes of Wrath
%
"No, no, Mrs. Simpson. You have been oppressed enough for today. I will
clean the dishes."

	-- Adil Hoxha in Crepes of Wrath
%
Lisa/Bart: "We were fighting over who loves you more."
Homer: "You were? Oh, go ahead."
Lisa:  "You love him more."
Bart:  "No, you do."
Lisa:  "No, you do."
Bart:  "No, you do."
< etc. ad nauseum >
	-- Kids arguing in There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Bart:  "Turkey farm."
Lisa:  "Nope."
Bart:  "Skunks."
Lisa:  "Nope."
Bart:  "Slaughter house.."
Lisa:  "Nope."
Marge: "What are you doing back there?"
Lisa:  "We're playing 'What's That Odor'?"
Maggie: "*SUCK* *SUCK*"
Bart:  <sniff> <sniff> "Dad's feet?"
Homer: "BART!"
Lisa:  "You win, Bart!"
Homer: "LISA!"

	-- Call of the Simpsons
%
Homer: <crying about his beautiful baby boy>
Bart:  "Don't have a cow, dad!"
Homer: "What the ... Du-oooohhhh! You're alive! And [heh ... heh] buck
naked!"
Bart:  "I'm not the only one, Home Boy!"
Homer: "What? ... Ooooh [heh ... heh ... heh] Jungle man!
[ohohohohohoooooaahh ... heh ... heh].

	-- Call of the Simpsons
%
Herman (army dude): "How many men do you have?"
Bart:  "None."
Herman: "You'll need more men."

	-- Bart the General
%
Bart:  "Is it okay if the balloons say 'Happy Birthday' on them?"
Herman: "Err, I'd rather they say 'Death From Above', but I guess that'll do."

	-- Bart the General
%
Homer: "Some people would give everything they have for an opportunity like
this." [after the RV, loaded with everything they own, goes over the cliff
	 and they are stranded in the woods]
Bart:  "You mean like we just did?"

	-- Call of the Simpsons
%
after Bart has been beat up by the bully, his family walks by and Lisa puts a
cupcake on his forehead ...
Bully: "Hey! They even have food at this thing! Here's one for the
	 road ..."

	-- Bart the General
%
"Okay, nobody move, nobody panic. At the count of three, everyone open your
doors and ever so quietly, slowly slide out. At the count of three. One ...

	-- Homer in Call of the Simpsons
%
Lisa: "Wait! Members of the creative community, this could be a blessing in
disguise, a chance to do away with winning and losing. If you agree with me,
that competition should be a thing of the past, that we should stand together
as peers then we should rip up every winning envelope. If you agree with me
then stand up and applaud!"
Homer: "See Lisa, they want to beat each other."

	-- Emmy Awards
%
"I will not xerox my butt."

	-- Chalkboard on 2 Cars in Every Garage,
	 3 Eyes on Every Fish
%
"Oh, no, an election...that's when they close the bars, isn't it?"

	-- Patron of Moes Tavern in 2 Cars in Every Garage,
	 3 Eyes on Every Fish
%
Pollster: "The voters now see you as Imperial and Godlike."
Burns: "Hot dog."
Pollster: "But there is a downside to it. The latest polls indicate you're
	  in danger of losing touch with the common man."
Burns (sarcastically): "Oh, dear, heaven forfend!"

	-- Election strategy in 2 Cars in Every Garage,
	 3 Eyes on Every Fish
%
Homer: "Well, he's got my vote!"
Marge: "Homer! We're a Mary Bailey family!"
Homer:"Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her. I'm
	for Monty Burns!"
Lisa:"Ooh, a political discussion at our table! I feel like a Kennedy."

	-- The Simpsons in 2 Cars in Every Garage,
	 3 Eyes on Every Fish
%
Homer: Oh, by the way, Mr. Burns is eating dinner over here tomorrow night.
Marge: No, he's not. I'm ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.
Homer: Kids, leave the room. I don't want you to see this.
Bart: Uh-oh
Homer: [on his knees] Oh, please please please please please please...

	-- Political discussion on 2 Cars in Every Garage,
	 3 Eyes on Every Fish
%
Burns: "Running for public office is too expensive for an honest man"
Homer: "Well, you could afford it"

	-- Helpful Homer in 2 Cars in Every Garage,
	 3 Eyes on Every Fish
%
"You can get mad at me all you want, but don't get mad at little Blinky!"

	-- Burns about the 3-eyed fish in 2 Cars in Every Garage,
	 3 Eyes on Every Fish
%
"Not just another state"

	-- Springfield State motto
%
Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? I don't like
	the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing
	to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't
	you make it better, huh?
Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on
	desert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in till noon on
	weekends, no one man can destroy them.
Homer: Hey, you did it!
	<BIG smooch>
	Snuggling occurs and credits go up...

	-- Homer and Marge in the conclusion of
	 2 Cars in Every Garage, 3 Eyes on Every Fish
%
"This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the
election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to
go to jail. That's democracy for you."

	-- Burns on defeat in 2 Cars in Every Garage,
	 3 Eyes on Every Fish
%
"I will not trade pants with others."

	-- Chalkboard in Dancin' Homer
%
BART: How are we going to pay for all these books?
LISA: We're not going to buy them, we're going to borrow them.
BART: (winking) Got it.

	-- At the library in Dead Putting Society
%
"I am not a 32 year old woman."

	-- Chalkboard in Dead Putting Society
%
"I have the feeling that years from now I will be describing this
moment to a psychiatrist."
	 -- Lisa in Dead Putting Society
%
"One o'clock... Still just a potato."

	-- Bart, about his Science Project in Dead Putting Society
%
"There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name, that's all.
Everyone would love it if it had a cute name like, eh, 'elfgrass'."

	-- Homer in Dead Putting Society
%
Homer: "Marge, Where's the Duff!?!"
Marge: "Ohh, we're all out, Homer."
Homer: "Doughhh!"
Marge: "Would you like some fruit juice?"
Homer: "Don't toy with me, woman!!"

	-- Homer & Marge in Dead Putting Society
%
Homer: "All right, knock it off!"
Ned (Flanders): "Knock what off, Simpson?"
Homer: "You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got hear! Your
family is better than my family, your beer comes from FARTHER away,
than my beer, you and your son like each other, and your wife's BUTT
<gasp> is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!"
Ned: "Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask to leave. I hope you
understand."
Homer: "I wouldn't stay on a bet!"

	-- Neighbors in Dead Putting Society
%
"Bosom."

	-- Bart in Dead Putting Society
%
Lisa: "And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home
	a brand new protractor."
Homer: "Too bad we don't live on a farm. Let's go boy!"

	-- On math fair in Dead Putting Society
%
"Give up homeboy, there's a six stroke limit."

	-- Bart in Dead Putting Society
%
Ned: "Oh say, you look like you were having a little trouble there."
Homer: "That shot's impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!"

	-- In Dead Putting Society
%
Todd: "Wow! First prize fifty dollars!"
Bart: "Wow! Free balloons for everyone who enters!"

	-- On golf contest in Dead Putting Society
%
Bart: "But dad! I've never won anything in my life!"
Homer: "Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is _not_
	OK to lose!"

	-- Homer on winning in Dead Putting Society
%
Homer: "What are you doing! That putter is to you what a baseball bat is
to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that... the
violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name."
Bart: "What?"
Homer: "C'mon, give it a name."
Bart: "Mister Putter."
Homer: "Dough.. you wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a
	girl's name."
Bart: "Mom."
Homer: "Your putters name is Charlene!"
Bart: "Why?"
Homer: "It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy,
Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes
staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how
glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!"
Bart: "Who's Charlene?"
Homer: "I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!"
Bart: "Grrrrrrrr...rrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!"

	-- Homer's strategy in Dead Putting Society
%
Bart: "Hey Lis, whatdya call those guys in chess that don't matter."
Lisa: "Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're
referring to a pawn."
Bart: "Right. I am a pawn."
Lisa: "Hmm... I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful dad has little
to no interest in everything I do. Bart, I think I can help you."

	-- Lisa's thoughts in Dead Putting Society
%
Lisa: "But Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it."
Bart: "Woooooooh..."
Lisa: "It is time."

	-- Dead Putting Society
%
Lisa: "The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry. All you have
to do is hit the ball - here."
<Tap> <Clunk-clunk> <Clunk-clunk> <Duh-dunk>
Bart: "I can't believe it. You actually found a practical use for geometry!"

	-- Golfing in Dead Putting Society
%
"Operator; give me the number for NINE NINE ONE."

	-- Homer in Bart vs Thanksgiving
%
"If I'm not back in the home by nine they declare me legally dead and
collect my insurance."

	-- Grandpa in Bart vs Thanksgiving
%
"I will not do that thing with my tongue"

	-- Chalkboard in Bart vs Thanksgiving
%
"If they made a balloon for every flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, it
would turn the parade into a FARCE."
It was RIGHT on the word FARCE which Homer bellows out in classic Homer
style, that the Bart balloon comes on screen.

	-- Homer in Bart vs Thanksgiving
%
"I won't expose you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward."

	-- Doctor in Bart the Daredevil
%
Part of this D- belongs to God!

	-- Bart in Bart Gets an F
%
"You think you have guts, try raising my kids."

	-- Homer to Captain Murdoch in Bart the Daredevil
%
"When he's not in class, he's risking his ass"

	-- Bart's slogan in Bart the Daredevil
%
"Oh no, he's hurt. Bad. Let's get out of here!"

	-- Bart's friends when he gets hurt in Bart the Daredevil
%
I will not pledge allegience to Bart.
Chalkboard in Bart the Daredevil
%
"No, it's NOT the worst excuse I ever thought of!"

	-- Homer's on mising work because Maggie beat him up in
	  Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
%
"Save the Cartoon Animals"

	-- Flanders sign in Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
%
Destroy All Violent People
Death Isn't Funny Anymore
No Nudes is Good Nudes
Kancel Krusty
	-- Protest signs in Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
%
Gophers burried alive
Car doors slammed on brains
	-- part of Marges violence checklist in Itchy &
	  Scratchy & Marge
%
"You see, girls? I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity!"

	-- protesters on Marges reluctance to join protest in
	  Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
%
" A superfish! ... and with a taste that can't be beat!"

	-- Monty Burns in 2 Car in Every Garage
%
"I will not sell school property."

	-- Chalkboard in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"Defenseless child at 3 o'clock"

	-- Smithers in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing?"

	-- Marge in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"Remember, lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal"

	-- Devil to Bart on how to return to hell in Bart Gets Hit
	  By A Car
%
"Excuse me, sir, are you a shyster?"

	-- Lisa to lawyer Lionel Hutz in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"Cool man, I'm dead"

	-- Bart in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!"

	-- Mr. Burns in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
the DA: "Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and
	 nothing but the truth?"
Marge : "Mmm... Yes, I do."
Lawyer Hutz: "She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously."

	-- In court in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
Satan: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn't like it.
Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then.

	-- In Hell in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"If you can do the `Bart,' you're Bad like Michael Jackson..."

	-- Bart in DO THE BARTMAN
%
"Clogging the courts since 1984"

	-- Lawyer Hutz sponge calling card in Bart Gets Hit By
	  A Car
%
"I want to med. school for four years and all I got was this lousy diploma".

	-- Diploma on Dr Riviera's wall in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"According to this, you're not due to arrive until the Yankees win
the pennant. That's nearly a century from now."

	-- Devil to Bart in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. I was driving to
the orphanage to pass out toys..."

	-- Burns story in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll
also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace a $99 value, as
out gift to you."
	-- Lawyer Hutz to Homer in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
"But don't worry, I'll never let on...I'll still do the bed stuff...Maybe
it won't be so bad."

	-- Homer to Marge when he thinks he doesn't love her
	  anymore in Bart Gets Hit By A Car
%
Apprentice: But master, we need your skilled hands.
Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy
	-- Master in One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue fish
%
Moe: "Moe's tavern, Moe speaking. Who do you want?"
Bart: "Seymour. Last name Butts."
Moe: "Is there a Seymour Butts here? Hey everyone! I wanna Seymour
Butts!!!!... wait a minute... listen to me, you little scum-sucking
pus-bucket. When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish,
and take out your eyeballs with a corkscrew..."
Bart: "HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! HAAAAAAA!"
	-- Moe & Bart in One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue fish
%
I want to shar something with you:
The Three little setences that will get you through life
Number 1: [whispers] Cover for me.
Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss!
Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

	-- Homer tell Bart the secret in One Fish, Two Fish,
	  Blowfish, Blue Fish
%
"I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave. BooO! (and a funny face)"

	-- Homer to Maggie on videotape in One Fish, Two Fish,
	  Blowfish, Blue Fish
%
I will not cut corners
I will not cut corners
I will not cut corners
I will not cut corners
I will not cut corners
I will not cut corners
" "  "  "  "
" "  "  "  "

	-- Chalkboard in One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue fish
%
Homer: "three...two...one..."
Microwave: "Bing!"
Homer: "We have *meatloaf*!"

	-- Homer on dinner in One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue fish
%
Marge: Please, Homwer, can't we try it? [going to a sushi bar]
Homer: No
Lisa: Please Dad, this argument humiliates us both.
Homer: If I said 'no' the first time, what makes you think I'm going to
	say 'yes' the second time?
Lisa: Nothing, but you might say 'yes' the ninety-ninth time.
Homer: Oh? Try me.
Lisa: Please?
Homer: No.
Lisa: Please?
Homer: No.
Lisa: Please?
Homer: No.
Lisa: Please?
Homer: No.
Lisa: Please?
Homer: Oh, okay.

	-- If at first you don't succeed, One Fish, Two Fish,
	  Blowfish, Blue Fish"
%
"A big bag of pork rinds, gonna carry me to my grave..."

	-- Homer singing "Born under a Bad Sign"
%
Burns: "Who the Sam Hill was that?"
Smithers: Why It's Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmos from sector 7-G
	-- When Homer makes fun of the boss in One Fish, Two Fish,
	  Blowfish, Blue fish
%
Burns: "Who's that idiot, drinking water as if it's free?"
Smithers: "That's Homer Simpson, sir; a drone from sector 7G."

	-- Burns and Smithers in "Look at All Those Idiots"
%
Homer: "What are you in for?"
Prisoner with harmonica: "Atmosphere"

	-- In jail in One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Bluefish
%
"I will not get very far with this attitude."

	-- Chalkboard in The Way We Was
%
"When that Simpson boy showed up at the door, it took years off my life!"

	-- Marges father in The Way We Was
%
"Stupid Chinese TV..."

	-- Homer in The Way We Was
%
Limo Driver: 'Where to now kid?'
Homer: 'Inspiration Point' (from Happy Days!!)
LD: 'Ok Kid, but I'm only paid to drive'
	-- Depressed Homer in The Way We Was
%
	 Dumb Things I Gotta Do Today
1. Make list
2. Eat a hearty breakfast
3. Make videotape for Maggie
4. Have man-to-man with Bart
5. Listen to Lisa play her sax
6. Make funeral arrangement
7. Make peace with Dad
8. Beer with the boys at the bar
9. Tell off boss
10. Go hang gliding
11. Plant a tree
12. A final dinner with by beloved family
13. Be intamit with Marge
14. Watch the sunrise
	-- Homers list of dumb things I gotta do today in One Fish,
	  Two fish, Blowfish, Blue fish
%
Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery!
	[bangs on the TV; the picture gets worse]
Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, doc.

	-- On broken TV in The Way We Was
%
Homer:   [fiddling with the TV] Is that better?
Lisa+Bart: NOOOO!
Homer:   How's this? [it gets worse]
Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Homer:   Okay, everybody remain calm. [picture vanishes entirely]
Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

	-- Fixing the TV in The Way We Was
%
"Dear God, just give me one channel!" [dramatic camera angle]
	-- Homer in disbelief in The Way We Was
%
Lisa: How did Dad propose to you?
Marge: Oh, well... [ flashback ]
Doctor: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier,
	I think we've found the reason why you've been
	throwing up in the morning.
	Congratulations.
Homer: Doh!

	-- In doctors office The Way We Was
%
Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
Homer:  Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.

	-- In school in The Way We Was
%
Friend: Don't you think you deserve to earn just as
	much as a man who does the same job?
Marge: Well, not if I have to do heavy lifting or math.

	-- On equal pay in The Way We Was
%
"I reached Step One: She knew I existed. The only problem was, she didn't
care."

	-- Homer on attracting Marge in The Way We Was
%
"Aw come on, Son, don't overreach!
Go for the dented car,
the dead-end job,
the less attractive girl.
Oh, I blame myself. I should've had this talk a long time ago."

	-- Grampa Simpson to Homer in The Way We Was
%
Homer: I just met this girl Marge Bouvier and I want to force her to
	like me.
Counselor: The only advice I can give you is, uh,
	  try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend.

	-- Helpful advice in The Way We Was
%
Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?
Homer:   Me? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out ALL NIGHT.

	-- Homer's plans after graduation in The Way We Was
%
Mrs. B: We have an opening on the debate team.
Homer: Debate, like, arguing?
Mrs. B: Yes.
Homer: I'll take THAT, you DINGPOT!
	Just warming up, Mrs. Blumenstein.
Mrs. B: This year's topic is
	`Resolved: The national speed limit should be lowered to 55 mph.'
Homer: 55? That's ridiculous!
	Sure, it'll save a few lives,
	but millions will be late!

	-- Joining the debate team in The Way We Was
%
"Look, I'm not asking you to like me, I'm not asking you to put yourself
in a position where I can touch your goodies, I'm just asking you to be
fair."

	-- Homer to Marge in The Way We Was
%
Homer: Marge, when I see you forming the vowels and continents
Marge: Consonants.
Homer: consonants, with your beautiful mouth,
	your beautiful breath pushing past
	your beautiful teeth...

	-- Romantic Homer in The Way We Was
%
Homer: My tux is going to have the widest lapels, the most
	ruffles, and the highest platform shoes you ever saw!
Marge: And maybe I'll wear my hair ... up.

	-- On the prom in The Way We Was
%
"Heh, heh, Imagine me in a nuclear power plant. KaBOOM!"

	-- Homer on nuclear power brochure in The Way We Was
%
Marge: The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from
	these male-imposed shackles! [lights bra, which burns to a crisp]
Friend: I didn't think it would burn so fast.
Marge: Mm, I guess it's the tissue paper inside.

	-- Marge speaks out in The Way We Was
%
Homer:  So, uh, what are you in for?
Marge:  I'm a political prisoner. Last time <I> ever take a stand...
Homer:  Well, I'm here for being me.
	 Every day, I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.

	-- Homer meets Marge in The Way We Was
%
Teacher: Simpson, be quiet!
Homer:  I haven't seen you in school before.
Teacher: Okay, Simpson,
Homer:	What?
Teacher:	  You just bought yourself
	  another day of detention.
Homer:  Maybe we should get together sometime.
Teacher:	  Two days!
Marge:  I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.
Homer:  I'm Homer
Teacher:	  Three days!
Homer:	J.
Teacher:	 Four days!
Homer:	  Simpson.
Teacher:		  Five days!
Homer:  It was worth it!
Teacher:	Six days!
	 Okay, Simpson, to the back of the room!

	-- Homer's painful introduction The Way We Was
%
Bart:  Great story. [bangs TV]
	Positively spellbinding. [bangs TV]
	[to TV] Damn you.
Homer: Bart! Pay attention,
	you may be telling this to your own son if something breaks.

	-- Homer & Bart on broken TV in The Way We Was
%
Artie: Would you go to the prom with me?
Marge: Oh,
Artie: I can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments,
	now the first is from Time Magazine, dated January 8th, 1974 ...

	-- Artie asking Marge out in The Way We Was
%
Mrs.B: If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow.
	A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.
Marge: Couldn't we use just rouge for this?
Mrs.B: Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.

	-- Motherly advice in The Way We Was
%
Selma: Marge's dates get homelier all the time.
Patty: That's what you get when you don't put out.

	-- Sisters talking in The Way We Was
%
Homer: You said you'd go the prom with me.
Marge: I also said I hated you, and we haven't even talked since then.
Homer: I was afraid you'd cancel our date, so I stayed away from
	you completely, even though it meant skipping school
	for three weeks and graduating this summer. I hope.

	-- Homer trying to keep Prom date in The Way We Was
%
"Hello, classmates.
Instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy,
you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king.
Good for you."

	-- Artie on being King in the Prom in The Way We Was
%
Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it
	if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands.
	Not so much for myself,
	but I am so respected,
	it would damage the TOWN to hear it.
	Good night.
Marge: Yea, right.

	-- After the prom date in The Way We Was
%
I will not make flatulent noises in class
	-- Chalkboard in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
"Greetings Zonar-the-Adulterer! My wife sends her regards! [picks pocket] "

	-- Homer-the-Thief, 1200 B.C. in Homer vs Lisa and
	  the 8th Commandment
%
Moses: "Thou shalt not make graven images!"
Homer-the-Thief: "Keep it up, Moses! Heh, heh, heh!"
Moses: "Thou shalt not steal!"
Homer-the-Thief: "Doough!!!"

	-- 1200 B.C. in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
"The Lord has handed down to us ten commandments by which to live. I will
now read them in no particular order."

	-- Moses in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Homer: [reading]
	So you've decided to steal cable.
	Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.
	Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations,
	   which makes it okay.

	-- Homer in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
"I have an announcement to make: The Simpsons have cable!"

	-- Homer proudly announcing cable in Homer vs Lisa and
	  the 8th Commandment
%
Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before.
	You really think we can afford it?
Homer: Nothing a month? Yea, I think we can swing that.

	-- On free cable in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Marge: [reading]
	Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies.
	Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less
	and are repeated ad nauseum.
	Hmm I don't know.
TV:  Hear Me Roar, the Network for Women.
	In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid
	bill in half by making your own band-aids.
Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
TV:  Now before we begin, you need five yards of sterilized cotton...

	-- The joys of cable in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th
	  Commandment
%
Homer: Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico.
	You know, down there, it's a <real> sport.
Bart: Ooh, this is where Jaws eats the boat.
	Ooh, this is where Die Hard jumps through the window.
	Ho ho, this is where Wall Street gets arrested, ha ha.
TV:  "Mr Speaker, if I could call your attention to the
	retroactive subsidy appropriations override bill,
	I refer you to page four thousand five hundred and..."
Homer: They must think people will watch anything...
TV:  Live, from New Orleans, this is the World Series of cock-fighting!
	Oh, son-of-a-gun, we'll have big fun on the Bayou tonight.
	[time passes]
	"We could get there quicker if I borrowed Dad's car."
	"I don't know, Davey..."

	-- Flipping channels in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th
	  Commandment
%
Miss Allbright: Today's topic will be Hell.
Kids:   Ooh.
Bart:   All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness.
	 <Finally> we get to the good stuff.

	-- Sunday school in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
Bart:  Hell.
Homer: Bart!
Bart:  But that's what we learned about.
	I sure as HELL can't tell you we learned about HELL
	unless I say HELL, can't I?
Homer: Well, that has a point.
Bart:  Hell, yes!
Marge: Bart!
Bart:  [singing] Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, ...
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

	-- In the car in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Satan: Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Heh heh.
	It won't cost you a thing ... EXCEPT YOUR SOUL!
Lisa:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Marge: What's gotten into Lisa?
Bart:  Beats the Hell out of me!
Homer: Bart!

	-- Lisa's conscience in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th
	  Commandment
%
Lisa:  Mom, what are you doing?
Marge: What, what do you mean?
Lisa:  Don't you remember the 8th commandment?
Marge: Oh, of course. It's thou shalt not um not covet, um,
	graven images, something about covet...
Lisa:  THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!

	-- As Marge eats 2 grapes in the supermarket in Homer
	  vs Lisa 8th Commandment
%
How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness!

	-- Homer on the joys of cable TV in Homer vs Lisa and the
	   8th Commandment
%
Worker1: Hey, big fight coming up.
Worker2: Yea, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round
	 updates on the radio?
Worker1: Oh, yea, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the
	 still photos on the 11-o'clock news.

	-- In the showers at work in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Lisa: So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family,
	that would be stealing?
Rev.: No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.

	-- What is stealing in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Hi, Dad.
I think stealing cable is wrong,
so I am choosing not to watch it
in the hopes that others will follow my example.
That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter.
Thank you for your time.

	-- Lisa's announcement in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Cop:  Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hookup.
Homer: No! No, I... It wasn't me. It was my wife. My wife's idea.
	Yeah, yeah, ...

	-- Homer defends himself in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I want you to know that
I've made a couple of really important decisions.
(1) I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over, and
(2) I'm not very fond of any of you.

	-- Homer in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
"Son, you shouldn't be watching that...That's only for mommies
and daddies who love each other very much."

	-- Homer to Bart after catching him watching x-rated
	  movies in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
If you didn't catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it
someplace else ... We've got it! On the Blockbuster Channel!

	-- TV ad in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
TV:  	You're watching `Top Hat Entertainment'. Adult programming
	all day, every day. (Except in Florida and Utah.)
	Coming up next, `Stardust Mammaries'...

Bart: 	Aye, Carumba!
Homer: 	Bart!

Bart: 	Dad!  [He didn't yell `Homer!']

	-- Porn movies in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Homer: Hey, Lisa... `Racing From Belmont'? Horsies!
Lisa: Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.

	-- Sin in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th Commandment
%
Homer: Quick, Bart! Hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
Bart: Borrowed?
Homer: All, right, that stuff I stole from work.

	-- When Burns visits in Homer vs Lisa and the 8th
	  Commandment
%
"Uh oh, that smells like sodium tetrasulfate bonding with chlorophyll."

	-- Principal Skinner from his office in Principal
	  Charming
%
"Here you go. Smoke them in good health."

	-- Apu on selling cigarettes in Principal Charming
%
Doctor: Now, it's to be expected that you will feel some death
	 anxiety. There are five stages... the first is denial,
Homer: That's right, 'cause I'm not dying! <hugging Marge>
D:   anger,
H:   Why, you, GRR!!! <stepping towards doctor>
D:   fear,
H:   Fear? What comes after fear? Huh?? <cringing>
D:   bargaining,
H:   Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth
	your while!
D:   and acceptance.
H:   Well, we all gotta go sometime.
D:   Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me! Here's are
	helpful pamphlet...
H:   <reading> "So You're Going To Die".

	-- Homer on dying in One Fish Two Fish, Blowfish
	  Blue flish
%
Principal Skinner: "Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew that you
	  were writing your own name in forty-foot-high letter on the
	  field, and that you would be caught."
Bart: "Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir"
Principal Skinner: "There are no other Barts!"
Bart: "Uh oh."

	-- Another visit to the principal's office, Principal
	  Charming
%
I will not belch the National Anthem
	-- Blackboard in Principal Charming
%
Bart: "Hello, is Homer there?"
Moe: "Homer who?"
Bart: "Homer.....sexual
Moe: "Wait one second, let me check. [calls] Uh, Homer Sexual? Hey,
 come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual! [guffaws,
 from the gang] You rotten live pot! If I ever get a hold of
 you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off."

	-- Bart's phone prank in Principal Charming
%
Homer: All right you kids, if I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to
	watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college!
Bart and Lisa: But, DAD!!
Homer: NOT  ONE  WORD!

	-- Homer and Bart in Oh Brother, Where Are Thou?
%
Homer:  And our three children: Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
Bart:   Hello, sir.
Lisa:   Hello, Mr. Powell.
Herbert: All born in wedlock?
Homer:  Yea, though the boy was a close call.

	-- introducing his family, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
I'm the little hellraiser, sir!

	-- Bart in Oh Brother, Where Are Thou?
%
Bart: Unky Herb, can I spit over the side?
Herb: Ha ha, I love this kid. Hock your brains out.
Bart: <hhccchhhh!> <ptooo>
Herb: <hcch!> <ptoo>
Bart: Ha ha... got him!

	-- On the Balloon in Oh Brother, Where Are Thou?
%
Hello, Cook? Sorry to bother so late, but I've got a hankering for...
that's right! Don't forget the applesauce!

	-- Homer in the Herb mansion in Oh Brother, Where Are Thou?
%
Grampa: The screen was too small.
Friend: The floor was sticky.
Grampa: The romantic subplot felt tacked-on.
Friend: In short, we demand a refund.

	-- Complaining at the movie theater, "Oh Brother, Where
	  Art Thou?"
%
... and thank you most of all for nuclear power,
which has yet to cause a single proven fatality.
At least in this country. Amen.

	-- Homer, saying grace, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grampa: Peeyoo! Not that close! Sheesh.
	Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die
	someday.
Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.
	 -- hospital visit, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.

	-- Grampa, remembering an affair, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Granma: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father.
	He must never know about that, that carnival incident.
Grampa: Okay.
Granma: Promise you won't tell him.
Grampa: I promise.
	[end of flashback]
Grampa: Oops! Forget what I just told you.

	-- hospital visit, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Homer: This makes me special, Dad. Since I'm the one you kept, that
	must mean you really loved me.
Grampa: Mm. Interesting theory.

	-- hospital visit, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Lisa:  A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!
Bart:  So, any idea where this bastard lives?
Homer: Bart!
Bart:  His parents aren't married are they?
	It's the correct word, isn't it?
Homer: I guess he's got us there.
Marge: Mmm...
Bart:  [singing] Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard ...

	-- car ride, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Homer:   Oh brother, where art thou!
Attendant: Take it easy, buddy, they moved across the street.
Homer:   Oh, hee. Sorry.

	-- looking for the orphanage, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Director: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson.
	  I myself have spent years searching for <my> long-lost twin
	  brother.
Homer:   Yea yea yea. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking
	  for <my> brother today.

	-- visit to the orphanage, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Director: Your brother could be anywhere. Even ... Detroit.
Homer: I know he could be <anywhere>,
	  that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of <brotherly> love
	  isn't Philadelphia, it's ... Detroit.
Homer:   Well, if you asked me, changing the subject makes you the
	  most worthess, heartless excuse for a human being I ever...
Director: Read between the lines, Mr. Simpson!
Homer:   Oh, I get it. Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you
	  tell me where my brother lives?
	  	-- visit to the orphanage, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Let's see. Powell, Powell, Powell...
Pomerantz, Poole, Popkins, Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randal, oops, too far.

	-- Homer, looking through the phone book, "Oh Brother,
	 Where Art Thou?"
%
Homer:  Hello? Hello? Stupid phone!
Herbert: Hey, knock it off. I'm here!
	 I'm just silent because of the emotion involved.
Homer:  Oh. Sorry.

	-- first contact with his brother, "Oh Brother, Where Art
	 Thou?"
%
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further!
Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car
	right around and go home.
Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother.
Marge: For God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.

	-- car ride, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Herbert: Every day we're losing ground to the Japanese and I want to know
	 why.
Advisor: Oh, unfair trade practices?
Advisor: Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington?
Advisor: Some sort of gypsy curse?

	-- board meeting, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads!

	-- Herbert Powell, board meeting, "Oh Brother, Where Art
	 Thou?"
%
Herbert: You, what are your roots?
Advisor: Well, I guess you could say they extend to
	 when the Angles met the Saxons...
	 	-- board meeting, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Holey moley, the bastard's rich!

	-- Homer, seeing his brother's mansion, "Oh Brother, Where
	 Art Thou?"
%
Herbert: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home.
	 Any time you're hungry, any time day or night,
	 Cook will make you anything you want.
Homer:  Even pork chops?
Herbert: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool,
	 a screening room...
Homer:  If I want pork chops any time in the middle of the night,
	 your guy will fry them up?
Herbert: Sure, that's what he's paid for.
	 Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids...
Homer:  Wait, wait, wait. Lemme see if I got this straight.
	 It's Christmas Day, 4am, there's a rumble in my stomach...
Marge:  Homer, please.

	-- touring the estate, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Herbert: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
Marge:  Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three
	 beautiful children.
Herbert: Wow. We have so much catching up to do.
Marge:  Mm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.

	-- poolside, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Bart:  Watch me dive!
Lisa:  Watch me dive!
Homer: OKAY, we're watching!
Marge: I hope we're not spoiling them...
	[they dive]
Bart:  Man, you weren't watching, I did a double gainer with a half...
Lisa:  Hey, you didn't see what I did, you didn't watch me dive...

	-- poolside, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
A millionaire!? Ooh, I kept the wrong one.

	-- Grampa, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Herbert: And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
Homer:  And I want to let you!

	-- hiring Homer as a consultant, "Oh Brother, Where Art
	 Thou?"
%
Herbert: Hey Homer, how's your car coming?
Homer:  Oh, fine. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other
	 and rack-and-peanut steering.
	 	-- first day on the job, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Herbert: Do you understand?
Homer:  Sort of.
Herbert: Homer?
Homer:  What.
Herbert: Answer me again with self-confidence!
Homer:  SORT OF!

	-- pep talk, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Some things are so snazzy they never go out of style!
Like tail fins... And bubble domes... And shag carpeting...

	-- Homer, designing a car, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of what you just said.

	-- Herbert, to his advisor, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
I want a horn here, here, and here.
You can never find a horn when you're mad.
And they should all play `La Cucaracha'.

	-- Homer, designing a car, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Advisor: What about a separate soundproof bubble-dome for the kids
	 with optional restraints and muzzles?
Homer:  Bullseye!

	-- designing a car, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
To think I wasted my life in boardrooms, and stockholders meetings,
when I could've been watching cartoons!

	-- Herbert Powell, watching `Itchy and Scratchy'
	 "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic?

	-- Lisa, talking to a penguin, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed stockholders,
Members of the press, Your Holiness...

	-- Herbert Powell, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball.
Now, at last, I have found it.

	-- Homer, describing his car, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Homer:  Gee Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home, and all
	 your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been
	 better off if I'd never come into your life.
Herbert: Maybe I would have been better off?
	 MAYBE!
	 Why you sponge-head. Of COURSE I'd have been better off.
	 As far as im concerned, I have no brother!
Marge:  Mm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

	-- Herbert leaving forever, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
His life was an unbridled success until he found out... he was a Simpson.

	-- Lisa, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
Bart: Dad?
Homer: What is it, boy?
Bart: I thought your car was really cool.
Homer: Thanks boy! I was waiting for someone to say that.

	-- driving home, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
%
I will not sell land in Florida
	-- Blackboard in, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
I have stuff from all four food groups.
(Holding up a sandwich) Sandwich group...(Holding
up a carton of milk) Moo group... (Holding up a
bannana) Jungle group... (Holding up a Butterfinger)
and Butterfinger group.

	-- Bart in the Butterfinger commercial
%
Milhouse: There's no Butterfinger group.
Bart: Au contraire, mon frere.
Milhouse: (looking into his lunch bag) I don't
have anything from the Butterfinger group.
Bart: Looks like you could die of malnutrition, dude!

	-- Bart and Milhouse in Butterfinger commercial
%
Marge: Mmm, Lisa, you don't look well.
Lisa:  I'll make it Mom. Just tape my lunchbox to my hand.

	-- Lisa wakes up ill, "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Homer: Maaarge, the dog is hungry.
Marge: Well, then, feed him.
Homer: Yeees, Master.

	-- Do I have to do everything around here? "Bart's Dog
	 Gets an F"
%
Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa[?] stays home, <I> stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute...
	If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa
	stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

	-- There, I've run rings around you logically.
	 "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps!

	-- Bart telling Lisa how to enjoy being ill.
	  "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation.

	-- Apu shooing Santa's Little Helper away, "Bart's Dog
	 Gets an F"
%
You know, they've got the velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue,
built-in odometer, reflective sidewalls, and little vanity licence plates!

	-- Ned Flanders showing off his `Assasins' sneakers,
	 "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Dr. Hibbert: I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.
Lisa:	Oh no. I don't want to fall behind my class.
Dr. Hibbert: Ho ho ho. Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl.
	   Take a rest, have yourself a wowwipop.
	   	-- Lisa is diagnosed with the mumps, "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Yello? ... Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? ... The mumps? Ooh, the kissing disease.

	-- Homer learns on the phone that Lisa has the mumps,
	 "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins.

	-- Marge telling Lisa she is genetically programmed to know
	 how to sew. "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
You just need to develop a callous. [pricks her finger and lights a lighter
under it] You see? Now <that's> a sewing finger, honey.

	-- Marge showing Lisa how to sew, "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Homer:  Oh, 125 bucks...
	 [Flanders appears in a `thought' balloon over Homer's head]
Flanders: Sometimes, you got to spoil yourself... spoil yourself...
	 spoil yourself...
Homer:  Buty I can't afford to...
Flanders: Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes!
Homer:  Okay, Flanders, you're the boss! Heh heh heh.

	-- Homer and his conscience? "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
Lisa: Ooh. Phonics, functions, vocabulary, ... remedial reading?
 Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
Bart: Doh!

	-- Bart delivers Lisa's homework, "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had
	a single fire.
Marge: Mmm...

	-- Homer buys expensive sneakers, "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!

	-- pitchman on `I Can't Believe They Invented It!'
	  "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
Bart: Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your answer to everything...

	-- finding a school for Santa's Little Helper,
	  "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Bart:	Is my dog dead, Ma'am?
Instructor: Ah ha ha, you don't know how often I'm asked that.
	  `Choke chain' is a misnomer.
	  Trust me. They are always breathing.
	  	-- demonstrating the use of the choke chain, "Bart's Dog
	 Gets an F"
%
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out.
	I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma,
	and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.

	-- watching a love scene on a TV soap opera, "Bart's Dog
	 Gets an F"
%
Woman:	Father McGrath... I thought you were dead.
Fr. McGrath: I was!

	-- soap opera on television, "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
I'm sorry, sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.

	-- shoe store clerk, "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Girl: Aloha! Would you like a free sample?
Homer: The price is right! [stuffs them furiously into his mouth]
	Mmm.. Ooh.. Macamadamia nuts.
Girl: If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each.
Homer: Oh, so <that's> your little plan. Get us addicted, then jack
	up the price! ... [meekly] Well, you win.

	-- at the Big Cookie store, "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Look Mom, I've finished my patch.
It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life.
On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school?
He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of
its beauty and soul.
And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy.
He tought me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out
of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.

	-- Lisa describes her contribution to the Bouvier Memory
	 Quilt. "Bart's Dog Gets an F"
%
Marge: [weeping] My quilt! Six generations, ruined!
Homer: Now Marge, honey honey honey. Come on, come on, don't get upset.
	It's not the end of the world. We all love that quit,
	but we can't get too attached to... OHH!!! MY COOKIE!!!

	-- Homer tries to console Marge after Santa's Little Helper
	  chews up the quilt (and Homer's cookie) "Bart's Dog Gets
	 an F"
%
Homer: Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting.
Bart: We never had a family meeting before...
Homer: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.

	-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? "Bart's Dog Gets
	 a F"
%
Lisa: I'm sure Mom agrees with me.
Marge: Mmm. No, I'm afraid I agree with your father.
Homer: You do? [taunting and dancing] Ha ha ha ha ha.

	-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? "Bart's Dog
	 Gets a F"
%
Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition,
	but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the
	way to solve a problem with something we love is to throw it away?
Homer: [weeping] Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me,
	I want you in my corner, honey.

	-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? "Bart's Dog
	 Gets a F"
%
"Free to loving home. World's most brilliant dog. Says `I Love You'
on command."

	-- advertisement for selling Santa's Little Helper "Bart's
	 Dog Gets an F"
%
Now... Sit!
I said, Sit! [Santa's Little Helper walks away]
Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt.
See? He does exactly what I tell him.

	-- Bart trying to demonstrate his control over the dog,
	  "Bart's Dog Get an F"
%
You son of a bitch. Good show!

	-- Dog obedience instructor to Santa's Little Helper,
	  "Bart's Dog Get an F"
%
They fight, they fight, they fight and fight and fight.
Fight fight fight, fight fight fight,
The Itchy and Scratchy show.

	-- The Itchy and Scratchy Show them song
%
They love, they share, they love and share and love.
Love, love, love! Share, share, share!
The Itchy and Scratchy show.

	-- Itchy and Scratchy revised theme on Marge v. Itchy and
	 Scratchy
%
I will not grease the monkey bars
	-- Blackboard in Old Money
%
"this place isn't copless so don't go topless"
(quote may not be exact, but this is pretty close)
	-- Sign on the way into park in Brush with Greatness
%
Water changed hourly"

	-- Sign by the "baby pool" with the diapered kids in it in
	 Brush With Greatness
%
Homer: Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had with all
	the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything?
Marge: That was our wedding!

	-- "War of the Simpsons"
%
Marge: Oh, they're here. How does everything look?
Homer: Yeah, how do I look?
Marge: Do we have enough glasses?
Homer: Do we have enough gag ice cubes?
Marge: Homer, Homer, put a record on.
Homer: What are all our friends' names again?

	-- pre-party panic, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Marge: Homer, go easy on the alkyhol. Remember last year at the Winfields'
	party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
Homer: No.
Marge: Mm.

	-- Homer starts getting tipsy, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Hey! You're Homer's sister-in-law, right?
I remember you. But I don't remember you being so beau[burp]tiful.
Is that a new kind of mace? It's really painful.

	-- Barney talks to Patty (or is it Selma?), "War of the
	 Simpsons"
%
Dr. Hibert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you
roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibert. Thanks for coming.
Dr. Hibert: Remember, I said `if'.

	-- The party's over, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine.

	-- The kids watch Marge and Homer talk in the car, "War of
	 the Simpsons"
%
I like to think that I am a patient, tolerant woman, and that there
was no line you could cross that would make me stop loving you.
But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!

	-- Marge, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little
	strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: Oh, I understand. You were wasted.

	-- Damage control, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect
	for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

	-- Damage control, "War of the Simpsons"
%
We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack, including
`Bible Bafflers', `Satan's Boners', `Good Grief: More Satan's Boners'
and for the teens, `It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell'.

	-- Rev. Lovejoy, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Marge: Grampa, could you do something?
Grampa: I can dress myself.

	-- Asking Grampa to babysit the kids, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Bart: After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty
 Burger, and head for the arcade.
Lisa: Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man. He trusts us. Are you sure it's
 right to take advantage of him?
Bart: Lis, in these crazy topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or
 wrong? But right now, my gut's telling me, "Bleed Gramps dry."
 	-- Grampa babysits the kids, "War of the Simpsons"
%
A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer.
It takes a whole weekend to do that!

	-- Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, "War of the
	 Simpsons"
%
Rev.: We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way, a happy marriage,
	heh heh, won't be the one that got away.
Homer: I see. [sotto voce] He also understands bowling expressions.

	-- Rev. Lovejoy welcomes Homer to his marriage encounter
	 retreat, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Ned:  Sometimes Maude (God bless her), she underlines passages in <my> Bible
	because she can't find hers.
Homer: [mutters] Oh. Lucky they don't keep guns in the house.

	-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, "War of
	 the Simpsons"
%
Marge: He chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy
	bar with bums and lowlifes.
Homer: Oh, it's all true!
Rev.: Homer, don't interrupt.
Homer: Sorry.

	-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, "War of
	 the Simpsons"
%
It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis.

	-- Lisa is concerned about how she and Bart are taking
	 advantage of Grampa,"War of the Simpsons"
%
Grampa: Sugar?
Lisa:  Yes, ten please.
Bart:  [shaking] Hey Grampa, top me off.
Grampa: Are you sure your Ma let you kids drink coffee?
Bart:  [snaps] For the last time, yes!

	-- My breakfast with Grampa, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Mrs.Rev: Now, this is a trust exercise.
	You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you.
Marge: Do I have to do this?
Rev.: No. Even if your husband <were> here, I wouldn't recommend it.

	-- Marriage counseling retreat, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where
I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right. It's all his fault.
I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.

	-- Rev. Lovejoy, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is.
Right up there with, the... uh... that bald guy on the cable fishing show.

	-- Homer plans to catch `General Sherman', "War of the
	 Simpsons"
%
Bart: Lisa, what's wrong?
Lisa: Isn't it obvious? We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's
 rights movement for decades to come.
Bart: You're great at a party, Lis. Really great.

	-- Lisa observes the wild party Bart is throwing, "War of
	 the Simpsons"
%
Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
Lisa: It's called remorse, you vile malescent[?] irrepresible youth.

	-- Is it contagious? "War of the Simpsons"
%
I gave up fame and breakfast for our marriage.

	-- Homer, after tossing `General Sherman' back into the lake,
	  "War of the Simpsons"
%
Clerk: Yep, `General Sherman'. They say he's five hundred pounds of
	bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but
	if you ask me (and most people do), he's hundred years if he's a day.
Customer: And uh no one's ever caught him?
Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet
	tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel,
	cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell.

	-- The making of a legend, "War of the Simpsons"
%
Krusty: Okay kids, it's time to...
Kids:  Kroon Along With Krusty! Yeah!
	[singing]
	I want to go to Mt. Splashmore,
	Take me, take me, take me, take me now!
	Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
	Mt. Splashmore, take me there right now! Yay!

	-- "A rather shameless promotion", "Brush with Greatness"
%
Everybody stick together. We don't want to get separ...

	-- Homer's instructions to the family at Mt. Splashmore,
	  "Brush with Greatness"
%
Bart: Okay, Lis. Turn on the water works, babe.
Lisa: [crying] Mommy! I want my mommy! [sob sob]
	-- How to get to the front of the line for a ride at Mt.
	 Splashmore, "Brush with Greatness"
%
Homer: All right, family. I want the truth. Don't pull any punches.
	[sweetly] Am I just a little bit overweight?
	[silence]
	Well, am I?
Lisa:  Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugar-coat a response.

	-- Ooh, and a split infinitive, too, "Brush with Greatness"
%
Oh! Four hundred and thirty-seven... Fifty pounds?
Oh my God! Three hundred and... A hundred and fifty pounds?
OH! Ooh. OH! Ooh.
Oh my God! It's two hundred and sixty pounds!
I'm a big fat pig!

	-- The ups and downs of dieting with a shaky scale, "Brush
	 with Greatness"
%
I am going on a diet.
From this day forward, I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent!
No donut too tasty!
No pizza too laden with delicious toppings
to prevent me from reaching my scientifically-determined ideal weight!
As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!!

	-- Homer, upon realizing he needs to lose weight, "Brush
	 with Greatness"
%
Bart: Hey, Homer, I found your weights.
Homer: [admiring] Oh, the Glutemus Maximizer...

	-- Up in the attic, "Brush with Greatness"
%
Oh Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl.
Libidos were very popular, and I had a crush on him.

	-- Marge explains her collection of Ringo Starr paintings,
	 "Brush with Greatness"
%
Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night?

	-- Homer, setting out on his diet, "Brush with Greatness"
%
Hey Mom, these paintings are good.
While I know first-hand how fragile young talent is,
I'd love to hear the particulars of how <your> gift was squashed.

	-- Lisa asking Marge to explain her schoolgirl painting
	 talent, "Brush with Greatness"
%
I've just enrolled in the screenwriting class.
I yearn to tell the story of an idealist young Hindu,
pushed too far by convenience store bandits.
I call it `Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey'.

	-- Apu, at Springfield Community College, "Brush with
	 Greatness"
%
Damnation, Smithers. This idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait
was as half-baked as your idea about me having children!

	-- Burns chews out Smithers, "Brush with Greatness"
%
Smithers: Mrs. Homer Simpson.
Burns:  Who?
Smithers: She won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair,
	 and she's the wife of an employee, she'll be easily
	 intimidated.
Burns:  Excellent.

	-- Searching for an artist to do Burns' portrait, "Brush
	 with Greatness"
%
Burns:  Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
Smithers: Somebody down here likes you, too, sir.
Burns:  Shut up.

	-- Too much of a good thing? "Brush with Greatness"
%
Marge: That's wonderful, isn't it kids?
Lisa:  [to Bart] Pass the moo juice.
Marge: Kids, remember what I told you about showing a little support?
Lisa:  Way to go, Dad!
Bart:  You look mahvelous!
Maggie: [toasts Homer with her bottle of formula]
	-- Homer reaches his weight goal, "Brush with Greatness"
%
Donut man: Hey, what gives? These donuts are piling up.
Worker: Heh. Yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet.
Donut man: Oh my God. And I just bought a boat! [slaps forehead]
	-- Homer's diet depresses the local economy, "Brush with
	 Greatness"
%
Smithers: Have you ever painted the rich and powerful?
Marge:   I don't know. Just Ringo Starr.
Burns:   Ring-Go?
Smithers: He was the drummer for a rock-and-roll combo called
	  the Beatles, sir.
Burns:   Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key
	  caterwaul on the old Sullivan show. What was Ed thinking
	  	-- Burns commissions Marge to paint his portrait, "Brush
	 with Greatness"
%
Smithers: Ah, sir. At least the world will see you as I always have.
Burns: [trying to get him to shut up] Yes, yes, yes.

	-- Preparing for a portrait, "Brush with Greatness"
%
Marge: What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns?
	Did you have a dog that you loved?
Burns: Well... Daah! There's something on my leg. Get it off!
	Get it off! [Maggie is on his leg]
Marge: Mr. Burns, she's just a baby.

	-- Trying to find Mr. Burns' `inner beauty', "Brush with
	 Greatness"
%
Homer: All right, all right. Who took the funny pages?
Smithers: [reading to Burns] So Ziggy goes to the repair shop,
	there's a sign on the doorbell reading `out of order'.
Burns: Heh heh. Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win?

	-- "Brush with Greatness"
%
Smithers: Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir?
Burns:  Of course not, Smithers. You're. You're like a doctor.

	-- Marge catches Burns naked in the bathroom, "Brush with
	 Greatness"
%
Burns:  [off camera] Smithers! I want my tea!
Marge:  Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
Smithers: Oh ho ho. Actually, I value every second that we're together.
	 From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning,
	 til I tuck him in at night.
	 He's not just my boss. He's my best friend, too.
Burns:  [sipping the tea] Bah! Too hot! [spills it on Smithers]
Smithers: Right, sir. It's scalding me as we speak.

	-- "Brush with Greatness"
%
Dear Sally. In response to you letter of December the 12th 1966,
me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard.
Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo.
PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.

	-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, "Brush
	 with Greatness"
%
Look! I'm using the original notches that came with my belt!

	-- Homer is proud of his weight loss, "Brush with Greatness"
%
Dear Marge. Thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly. I hung
it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question,
yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French
fries `chips'. Love, Ringo. PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.

	-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, "Brush
	 with Greatness"
%
Friends, art lovers, security personnel...

	-- Burns begins his speech on the opening of the Burns wing
	of the art museum, "Brush with Greatness"
%
He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it.

	-- Art critic, on Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, "Brush
	 with Greatness"
%
You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate.

	-- Burns to Marge on her portrait of him, "Brush with
	 Greatness"
%
Burns: Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
Marge: [sotto voce] I thought I did.

	-- On Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, "Brush with Greatness"
%
1: Did you hear about Miss Hoover?
She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake.
2: Oh, I heard she fell down a well.
[Principal Skinner comes in with Miss Hoover, who is crying]
Lisa: My God, she's been dumped again...

	-- "Lisa's Substitute"
%
[a scream is heard from the room above]
Skinner: Bart Simpson! I know it's you!

	-- Principal Skinner fills in for Miss Hoover, "Lisa's
	 Substitute"
%
Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat.
 How can I put this? Does your father help you with it.
Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.

	-- "Lisa's Substitute"
%
Martin: [campaign speech] In a sample taken from this very classroom,
	a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos!
Bart:  That's not enough! We demand MORE asbestos!
	[leads the class in a chant of `MORE ASBESTOS']
	-- Martin and Bart run for class president, "Lisa's
	 Substitute"
%
Homer: Wow! You made the front page!
Bart: Aw, Dad, it's just a popularity contest?
Homer: JUST a popularity contest?
	Excuse me. What's more important that popularity?

	-- "Lisa's Substitute"
%
I always knew you had personality.
The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.

	-- Homer is pleased that Bart's running for class president,
	  "Lisa's Substitute"
%
He says there aren't any easy answers.
I say, he's not looking hard enough!

	-- Bart's campaign speech against Martin, "Lisa's
	 Substitute"
%
Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow,
	and I think you should take her.
Homer: Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning
	on... [thinks to himself] Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching
	TV? Spending time with the boy! [speaks up] Spending time with the
	boy! The boy needs attention, Marge.
Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your
	relationship with her.
Bart: Me too, Mom. I think you're drifting apart.
Homer: Shut up, boy.
Homer: Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because...
	[thinking to himself] You're trapped. If you were smarter, you
	might think of something. But you're not, so you just might as
	well... [speaks up] All right, all right, I'll take her.
	[sotto voce] Lousy brain.

	-- "Lisa's Substitute"
%
Homer: Eh, what do you mean by `suggested donation'?
Clerk: Pay any amount you wish, sir.
Homer: And uh, what if I wish to pay ... zero?
Clerk: That is up to you.
Homer: Ooh, so it's up to me, is it?
Clerk: Yes.
Homer: I see. And you think that people are going to pay
	you $4.50 even though they don't have to?
	Just out of the goodness of their... [laughs]
	Well, anything you say! Good luck, lady, you're gonna need it!

	-- Homer sees the sign `Suggested donation: $4.50' at the museum
	  entrance, "Lisa's Substitute"
%
Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.

	-- Homer admires the mummy at the museum, "Lisa's Substitute"
%
Marge: Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner?
Lisa: Oh, Mom! That's wonderful!
	Can I find out his favorite dish and help you make it?
Marge: Sure.
Lisa: Can I wear your jewelry?
Marge: Sure.
Lisa: Can I get my ears pierced?
Marge: No.
Lisa: Can I dye my shoes pink?
Marge: Yes.
Lisa: Can I paint my nails?
Marge: No.
Lisa: Can we have wine?
Marge: Yes.
Lisa: Can I have wine?
Marge: No.
Lisa: Does Bart have to be there?
Marge: Yes.

	-- Setting the ground rules, "Lisa's Substitute"
%
Miss Hoover: You see, class, my lyme disease turned out to be
	[spells it on the board] psychosomatic.
Student 1:  Does that mean you're crazy?
Student 2:  No, that means she was faking it.
Miss Hoover: Well, actually, it was a little of both.

	-- Miss Hoover returns to teaching, "Lisa's Substitute"
%
Bart:	  I demand a recount!
Miss Krabappel: [counts the votes] One for Martin. Two for Martin.
	Would you like another recount?

	-- The Apathy Party loses again, "Lisa's Substitute"
%
That's the problem with being middle-class.
Anyone who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.

	-- Mr. Bergstrom's parting remarks, "Lisa's Substitute"
%
Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

	-- Homer tries to understand Lisa, "Lisa's Substitute"
%
I will not do anything bad ever again
	-- Blackboard in War of the Simpsons
%
"I will not sleep through my education"

	-- Blackboard in Blood Feud
%
Hee hee. Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to
light that sign!

	-- Homer jokes with his coworkers about the Nuclear Disaster
	 Warning Sign when the message `Core Explosion. Repent
	 Sins' is flashed, "Blood Feud"
%
No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me. As long as there's
an ounce of strength left in me, I... [passes out]
	-- Monty Burns collapses from hypohemia, "Blood Feud"
%
Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me
really hit the spot.

	-- Burns, consoling Smithers, who is unable to give the
	 blood necessary to save his life, "Blood Feud"
%
I can't believe you guys. There's a human being out there with millions
of dollars who needs our help. And you don't want to cash in?

	-- Homer tries to take the moral high ground when none of
	 his coworkers wants to donate blood to save Mr. Burns,
	 "Blood Feud"
%
"But the computer said it was fixed"

	-- David Robinson
%
Marge: [watching Lisa show Maggie flashcards] What's a zebu?
Lisa: It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap.
	[indicating to Maggie] [sweetly] Hump, and a dewlap! Hump and dewlap!

	-- Lisa shows Maggie animal flashcards, "Blood Feud"
%
Homer: Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion
	who got a thorn in his paw. All the village people tried to pull it
	out, but nobody was strong enough! So, they got Hercules. And
	Hercules used his mighty strength, and Bingo! Anyway, the moral is,
	the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
Bart: How did a lion get rich?
Homer: It was the olden days!
Bart: Oh.

	-- "Blood Feud"
%
Burns:  [weakly] Smithers, I'm not going to make it. I want to
	 dictate my epitaph.
Smithers: [choked with tears] Go ahead.
Burns:  Charles Montgomery Burns. ... American... Patriot... American...
	 Patriot... [gaining energy] Master of the atom. ... Scourge
	 of the despot! [really on a roll] Oh, tyrant! Hear his
	 mighty name, and quake! [gets up] Smithers, I'm back!
	 	-- Burns receives a badly-needed transfusion, "Blood Feud"
%
Burns: Oh, top of the morning to ye! Why, look who's here!
	It's ... good old... You!
Man:  Hi, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Oh, hey there, Mr. uh... Brown-Shoes! How about that ..
	local sports team!

	-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion,
	 "Blood Feud"
%
Smithers, I'm back in the pink! Full of pep and vinegar!

	-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion,
	 "Blood Feud"
%
Burns:  By the way, what was the lad's name?
Smithers: Uh, Bart Simpson, sir.
Burns:  Who?
Smithers: He's the son of Homer Simpson, sir. One of your stiffs
	 in sector 7-G.
	 	-- Burns leans who donated the blood to save his life,
	 "Blood Feud"
%
Bill.   [tosses into wastebasket]
Bill.   [tosses into wastebasket]
Summons. [tosses into wastebasket]
Bill.   [tosses into wastebasket]
	-- Homer goes through the daily mail, "Blood Feud"
%
Homer: Marge, Lisa, Maggie, let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors
	can see. Lisa, dim the lights. No, turn on more lights. Oh, do
	something!
Lisa: Yes, Dad. [turns on the sprinkler]
	-- Homer prepares to open the letter from Mr. Burns, "Blood
	 Feud"
%
Some way to show your gratitude! No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even
a lousy card! Wait a minute... there <was> a card...

	-- Homer is mad at Mr. Burns, whose only expression of
	 gratitude was a thank-you card, "Blood Feud"
%
Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do
	them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand.
Homer: Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but [condescendingly]
	you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells
	and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
Bart: Yeah, Mom, we got hosed.

	-- When Bart saves Mr. Burns' life with his donated blood,
	 "Blood Feud"
%
Homer: Bart! Take a letter!
	Dear Mr. Burns... [heavy sarcasm] I'm so `glad' you enjoyed my
	son's blood. And you `card' was `just great'. In case you can't
	tell, I'm being sarcastic. You.. Stink! Could you read that last
	part back to me?
Bart: `You stink!'
Homer: Heh heh heh. Good. `You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy,
	with bony girl-arms, and you smell like...'
Bart: An elephant's butt?
Homer: Hee hee. `An elephant's butt.'
	-- Homer writes a nasty letter to his boss, "Blood Feud"
%
Fight the Power!

	-- Barney provides encouragement, "Blood Feud"
%
Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run 'cause you're a mail-lady and
	you know my name and address and everything, huh?
Postal Worker: That's right.
Homer: Well.. I'm still going to run. [runs away]
	-- Homer is caught tampering with a mailbox, "Blood Feud"
%
Mr. Roman: First question. Have you slept with anyone famous?
Burns: Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I... [catches himself] What in blazes!

	-- Burns hires a ghost writer, "Blood Feud"
%
Lisa: Ooh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron!
Homer: Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and
	your father is trying to worry.

	-- Lisa shows Maggie some very peculiar flashcards, "Blood
	 Feud"
%
Burns: Who are you?
Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him. Give him a fake name.
	[aloud] Homer Simpson.
	[thinks] D'oh!

	-- Thinking fast on your feet, "Blood Feud"
%
I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is
a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell.
I'll just crush him like an ant.

	-- Burns plans his next move after opening Homers letter,
	 "Blood Feud"
%
Bart: You always told me I was going to destroy the family. But I never
 believed it.
Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it.
 We were just trying to scare you.
 	-- Bart destroys the family, "Blood Feud"
%
In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you.
`What's that?' you say? Me thanking you?
No, it's not a misprint, for you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much
as you enjoyed reading it. The End.

	-- Burns finishes his book, "Blood Feud"
%
Moe: [answers the phone] Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has
 anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? [snickers from the patrons]
 [to phone] Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going
 to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with
 an ice pick.
 	-- Another phone prank, "Blood Feud"
%
Moe:  What's the matter, Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self.
Homer: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one.
Moe:  Homer, hey. You should not drink to forget your problems.
Barney: Yeah. You should only drink to enhance your social skills. [belch]
	-- But does it work? "Blood Feud"
%
"We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad,
unthinkable, utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-
zoop-zabulous present!"
	-- Monty Burns meets Dr. Seuss? "Blood Feud"
%
Burns: Hello, young fellow. I haven't forgotten you. Here.
Bart: Wow, a crowbar!
Lisa: It's to open the crate, stupid.

	-- Burns gives the Simpsons a gift, "Blood Feud"
%
Maggie: [holds up an `Aztec' flashcard]
Lisa:  No, Maggie. Not Aztec, Olmec. [slowly] Ol-mec.
Maggie: [falls down]
	-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, "Blood Feud"
%
Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing!
	Just a big scary rock.
Bart: Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head.
Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of the story is a
	good deed is its own reward.
Bart: Hey, we <got> a reward. The head is cool.
Marge: Then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've
	gotten anything.
Marge: Well... Then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly! Just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that!
	[laughter all around]
	-- We don't need no steenkin' morals, "Blood Feud"
%
Nice computers don't go down
%
ROM wasn't built in a day
%
We'll run no program before its time
%
Don't Comment Programs! Why? If it was hard to write, it should be
hard to read!
%
The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us will move to the stars.

	-- Omni (Button)
%
Programming, v.:
	A past time similar to banging one head against the wall, only
	with fewer opportunities for reward.
%
BOGO-SORT: n.:
	(var. `stupid-sort') The archetypical perversely awful
	algorithm (as opposed to {bubble sort}, which is merely the
	generic *bad* algorithm). Bogo-sort is equivalent to throwing
	a deck of cards in the air, picking them up, then testing
	whether they are in order. If not, repeat. Used as a sort of
	canonical example of awfulness. Usage: when one is looking at
	a program and sees a dumb algorithm, one might say, "Oh, I
	see, this program uses bogo-sort." Compare {bogus}.
%
"I think I am! I think I am!"

	-- The Little Engine that Philosophized
%
Anyone who says that air is free is not a diver.
%
Ain't no place like ${HOME}; especially C:\
%
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

	-- Joe Walsh
%
Common sense can't be all that common since so many people claim
to not have any.

	-- K. Grover
%
An ambassador is a man of virtue sent to lie abroad for his country; a
newswriter is a man without virtue who lies at home for himself.

	-- Sir Henry Wotton, Reliquae Wottonianae
%
I type faster to delete helpless FORTRAN programs.

	-- Dion Hinchcliff
%
The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us will move to the stars!

	-- Message on button from OMNI magazine
%
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
%
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

	-- Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
%
(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight
	-- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
%
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
%
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus

	-- ad infinitum...
%
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.

	-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
	(1) Scarecrow for centipedes
	(2) Dead cat brush
	(3) Hair barrettes
	(4) Cleats
	(5) Self-piercing earrings
	(6) Fungus trellis
	(7) False eyelashes
	(8) Prosthetic dog claws
	.
	.
	.
	(99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
	(100) Killer velcro
	(101) Currency
%
186,282 miles per second:

	-- It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
%
2180, U.S. History question:
	What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
	office did he later hold?
%
$3,000,000
%
"355/113
	-- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!"
%
43rd Law of Computing:
	Anything that can go wr

fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
%
77. HO HUM -- The Redundant

-- ---- (7)	This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8)	boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
------- (7)	smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
---O--- (6)	on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
---X--- (9)	GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to
--- --- (8)	nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.

Nine in the second place means:
	The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.

Six in the third place means:
	In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
	Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
%
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
	Redwood Forest.
%
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
%
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!

	-- 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
%
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

	-- Mahatma Ghandi
%
A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

	-- Donald A. Metz
%
A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
phenomena.

	-- Donald A. Metz
%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.

	-- Carl Sandburg
%
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce.

	-- Don Quinn
%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

	-- Mark Twain
%
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
adds up to be real money.

	-- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
%
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
%
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
%
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
%
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
%
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

	-- Dave Barry
%
A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
%
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him. He's a Commie.
%
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

	-- Bill Vaughan
%
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
	-- Herbert Prochnow
%
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.

	-- Mark Twain
%
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
	But this output can be
	No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.

	-- Gigo
%
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
%
A CONS is an object which cares.

	-- Bernie Greenberg.
%
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
%
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

	-- Dyer
%
A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
damned things is ample.

	-- Rebecca West
%
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

	-- Ben Franklin
%
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
	She was not oversexed,
	Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
%
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
lantern.

	-- Edgar A. Shoaff
%
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
%
A day without sunshine is like night.
%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
coat.
%
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
%
	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
%
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
%
	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
	The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
architect."
	The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
	Divided by seven,
	Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
%
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly
pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

	-- G. B. Shaw
%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
elephant.
%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.

	-- D. Gries
%
"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."

	-- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
%
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

	-- Adlai Stevenson
%
A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
ducks.

	-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%
A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid
*____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.

	-- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
%
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
of).
%
A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea.

	-- John Ciardi
%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.

	-- William James
%
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
man a century.
%
A hypothetical paradox:
	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
	team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
	Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?

	-- Tom Galloway
%
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.

	-- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
%
A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide
who has the better lawyer.

	-- Robert Frost
%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"

	-- Gopete Sherany
%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
%
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
in than some that do.

	-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%
A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
by being declared to work.

	-- Anatol Holt
%
A Law of Computer Programming:
	Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
	will find the programmers cannot write in English.
%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
	But the good ones I've seen
	So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
nothing.
%
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

	-- H. H. Munroe
%
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any
price.
%
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
exceptional ability in that particular field."
%
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

	-- Steve Wright
%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
believe everything positively stinks.

	-- Lew Col
%
	A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
	first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
	"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
	and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
	"But the collar is up around my ears!"
	"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
	little more ... that's it."
	"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
	"Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you
	go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
	So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
	street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
	"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
	"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."

	-- - Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

	However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
	sense of obligation."

	-- Stephen Crane
%
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
%
A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
insignificant," said the master.

	- 	"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.

	- 	"It is," came the reply.

	- 	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.

	- 	"It is even in a video game," said the master.

	- 	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"

	- 	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
		lesson is over for today," he said.

	-- "The Tao of Programming"
%
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.

	-- Audobon Society Magazine
%
	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
	"If what?" asked the composer.
	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
%
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom
do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
%
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
	I learn from my spies
	He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
%
A new koan:

	-- 	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.

	-- 	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.

	-- It is an ice cream koan.
%
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
has no excuse for further procrastination.
%
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
%
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
%
	A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
power-down sequence.
	An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
cool.
%
A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off
and on. The machine worked.
%
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
%
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.

	-- Gloria Steinem
%
A penny saved is ridiculous.
%
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
%
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

	-- George Wald
%
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!

	-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
	 by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
%
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"

	-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
%
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?

	-- And he answered:

	-- It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.

	-- It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.

	-- It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
	   upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
	   to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.

	-- And that is Fate? said the priest.

	-- Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.

	-- That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
	   too.

	-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.

	"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
	man".

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."

	-- IEEE Grid news magazine
%
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
%
A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
was intended for her preservation.

	-- Colton
%
A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
to make a travesty of the game.

	-- Donald A. Metz
%
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."

	-- Steel City News
%
"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
%
A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:

Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
shall snuff it."

	-- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
%
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
the real reason.
%
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects ...
%
A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
rosewater.
%
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.

	-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing.

	-- Samuel Butler
%
A Severe Strain on the Credulity

As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.

	-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
%
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
	-- Prof. Steiner
%
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

	-- Mark Twain
%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.

	-- O'Henry
%
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.

	-- Daniel Webster
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam.
%
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it
true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
%
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.

	-- S. C. Johnson
%
A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
%
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
triangle.
%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
%
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.

	-- John Ciardi
%
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."

	-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
%
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
	She found a good way
	To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with.

	-- Tennessee Williams
%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
	The system, you see,
	Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
%
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention.
%
"A witty saying proves nothing."

	-- Voltaire
%
"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It
is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."

	-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
%
A.A.A.A.A.:
	An organization for drunks who drive
%
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
%
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
%
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends."

	-- Herbert Hoover
%
Absence makes the heart go wander.
%
Absent, adj.:
	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
	slandered.
%
Absentee, n.:
	A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
	himself from the sphere of exaction.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Abstainer, n.:
	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
	pleasure.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Absurdity, n.:
	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
	opinion.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
because the stakes are so low.

	-- Wallace Sayre
%
Accident, n.:
	A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
	body is better.
%
Accidents cause History.

If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
the returns."
%
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
once a year.
%
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

	-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
%
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
dies.
%
"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."

	-- David Letterman
%
Accordion, n.:
	A bagpipe with pleats.
%
Accuracy, n.:
	The vice of being right
%
	ACHTUNG!!!

	-- Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
vatch das blinkenlights!!!
%
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
%
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
%
Acquaintance, n.:
	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
	enough to lend to.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."
%
Actor:	"I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
	everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford:	"Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
	it!"
%
Actor:	So what do you do for a living?
Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
	dishes for Chinese restaurants.

	-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
%
ADA, n.:
	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
	Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
	awareness."
%
Admiration, n.:
	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Adolescence, n.:
	The stage between puberty and adultery.
%
"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
like you ..."

	-- Gilda Radner
%
Adore, v.:
	To venerate expectantly.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Adult, n.:
	One old enough to know better.
%
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

	-- Sinclair Lewis
%
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
then at least be asceptic.
%
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
that it sinks like a stone.

	-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
more advanced than the lichen family.

	-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
	  Do"
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
quotations."

	-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

	-- P. J. O'Rourke
%
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
%
	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
	"This is true," He replied.
	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
	"What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
	"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
make his own."
	It was so granted.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
cost to others, to win advancement."

	-- Norman Thomas
%
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
%
After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
everything. Just in case.
%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
%
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
change.
%
Afternoon, n.:
	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
	morning.
%
Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
Age, n.:
	That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
	still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
	to commit.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
%
Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
there's the rub.

	-- For all dreams are not equal,
some exit to nightmare
most end with the dreamer

	-- But at least one must be lived ... and died.
%
"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."

	-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
%
Air is water with holes in it
%
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

	-- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
%
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
%
Alden's Laws:
	(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
	    of pregnancy.
	(2) Always be backlit.
	(3) Sit down whenever possible.
%
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
	You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
%
Alex Haley was adopted!
%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
%
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.

	-- Peggy Joyce
%
All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
informing, stimulating and ennobling.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others.

	-- Alan Truscott
%
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
%
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
without thinking.
%
"All flesh is grass"

	-- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
%
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
%
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
importance.
%
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
%
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
	-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
Socrates.

	-- Woody Allen
%
"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
%
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
specific."

	-- Jane Wagner
%
All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

	-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
%
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.

	-- Vic Gold
%
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
every organism to live beyond its income.

	-- Samuel Butler
%
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

	-- E. Rutherford
%
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
hands."

	-- Saint Patrick
%
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
%
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
if it rains?"

	-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

	-- Mark Twain
%
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
ridiculous ones.

	-- La Rochefoucauld
%
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.

	-- Jim Fiebig
%
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

	-- Sean O'Casey
%
All the world's a VAX,
And all the coders merely butchers;
They have their exits and their entrails;
And one int in his time plays many widths,
His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
And shining morning face, creeping like slug
Unwillingly to school.

	-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
%
All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
and all theoretical chemists know it.

	-- Richard P. Feynman
%
All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
%
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
%
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
%
All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
which he was born.

	-- Francois Fenelon
%
Alliance, n.:
	In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
	their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
	separately plunder a third.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Alone, adj.:
	In bad company.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

	-- Dave Barry
%
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
%
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
running the post office.

	-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
Gamekeeping."

	-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
%
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
%
"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
that way."
%
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
%
	AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

	-- If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
%
	AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

	-- There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
%
Ambidextrous, adj.:
	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

	-- Charlie McCarthy
%
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.

	-- John O'Hara
%
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
changed its name to "America".

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
between the men's room and the women's room without having little
pictures on the doors.

	-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
%
"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
%
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.

	-- James Michener, "Space"
%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.
%
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."

	-- David Letterman
%
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
%
	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
great restraint.
	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
are particular and not generalizable.
	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".

	-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
%
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
%
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.
%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
%
An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
%
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

	-- A. P. Herbert
%
An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He
wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
excellence:

"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."

	-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
%
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."

	-- Mark Twain
%
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
possible.

	-- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%
	An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
%
And as we stand on the edge of darkness
Let our chant fill the void
That others may know

	-- 	In the land of the night
	The ship of the sun
	Is drawn by
	The grateful dead.

	-- 	-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
%
... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
%
And I heard Jeff exclaim,
As they strolled out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all --
You take credit cards, right?"

	-- "Outsiders" comic
%
... And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man
	-- A. E. Housman
%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%
"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
your own."

	-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
	  Preposterous Words
%
And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
Orson Welles.

	-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%
"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
courtesy detail."
%
And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a
horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory,
ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
world.

	-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
%
	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."
%
And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
tragedy face to face, we have politics.

	-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
	  Ground Cover"
%
Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.

	-- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
%
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.

	-- Tom Lehrer
%
Ankh if you love Isis.
%
Anoint, v.:
	To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
	slippery.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Another Glitch in the Call
------- ------ -- --- ----
(Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)

We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?

Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!

-- Chorus:
All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.

	-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
%
	Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:

	-- (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
(3) I don't know.
(4) Who cares?
(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
Papyrus Books).
%
Anthony's Law of Force:
	Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
%
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
	corner of the workshop.

	Corollary:
		On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
		your toes.
%
Antonym, n.:
	The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%
Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.

	-- Charles McCabe
%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.

	-- Charles McCabe
%
Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.

	-- Richard Schickel
%
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.

	-- Aesop
%
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
whole week.
%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
sell it.
%
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance,
my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
undoubtedly true.

	-- Solomon Short
%
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.

	-- Sydney J. Harris
%
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
object.
%
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
exactly the point of most pressure.

	-- Milt Barber
%
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.

	-- Rich Kulawiec
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

	-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
%
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

	-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
%
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
%
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing at the moment.

	-- Robert Benchley
%
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

	-- Publilius Syrus
%
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
none.
%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.

	-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.

	-- W. C. Fields
%
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.

	-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
tried taking candy from a baby.

	-- Robin Hood
%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
%
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
%
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
%
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
%
"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
%
Aphorism, n.:
	A concise, clever statement.

Afterism, n.:
	A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

	-- James Alexander Thom
%
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of
the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
coding bums.
%
"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I
can't read any of them."

	-- Roy Keir
%
Aquadextrous, adj.:
	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
	with your toes.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
	You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to
	be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
	mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
%
Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
	Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
	general can be said."
%
ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
%
Are you a turtle?
%
Are you a turtle?
%
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."

	-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
	not very nice.
%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.

	-- Mickey Mouse
%
Armadillo:
	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
%
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
	(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
	(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
	(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
	    first two laws.
%
Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?

	-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
Art is anything you can get away with.

	-- Marshall McLuhan.
%
Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

	-- Paul Gauguin
%
Arthur's Laws of Love:
	(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
	    remind them of someone else.
	(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
	    delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
	    yourself in person.
%
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
%
As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...

	-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
meet girls."

	-- Matt Cartmill
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

	-- Weisert
%
As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
	Feeling worse and worser,
There I met a C.R.T.
	And it drop't me a cursor.

	-- C.R.T., C.R.T.,
	Phosphors light on you!
If I had fifty hours a day
	I'd spend them all at you.

	-- 	-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
%
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
%
As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free
speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to
myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a
real American talk like that.

	-- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
%
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
%
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
popular.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
%
"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging."

	-- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
	  computer system.
%
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
finding mistakes in my own programs.

	-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
%
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

	-- Woody Allen
%
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.

	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
%
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.

	-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.

	-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
	  Teen Should Know"
%
As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
spider is suing you for damages.
%
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
%
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
%
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).

	-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
%
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
bathtub, it tolls for thee.
%
Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
for an answer.
%
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"

	-- David Letterman
%
Ass, n.:
	The masculine of "lass".
%
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
and dying broke.

	-- Stanley Walker
%
"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
%
At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.

	-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.

	-- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.

	-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
%
... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.

	-- J. B. White
%
"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
thumb with a hammer.

	-- Marshall Lumsden
%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
%
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp.
%
Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
depths they were once able to plumb.

	-- Stanley Kaufman
%
Automobile, n.:
	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
	pedestrians.
%
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.

	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Avoid reality at all costs.
%
"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."

	-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
%
Bacchus, n.:
	A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
	getting drunk.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Bagbiter:
	1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently.

	2. adj.; Failing hardware or software. "This bagbiting system
	won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on obscenity.
	Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the bag".

	Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
	CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
%
Bagdikian's Observation:
	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
	newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
	ukelele.
%
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
	A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
	by governors.
%
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
%
Banectomy, n.:
	The removal of bruises on a banana.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
%
Barach's Rule:
	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
	physician.
%
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
floor -- especially in the dark.
%
Barometer, n.:
	An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
	are having.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Barth's Distinction:
	There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
	types, and those who don't.
%
Baruch's Observation:
	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
%
Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high
taxes.

	-- Will Rogers
%
Basic is a high level languish.
APL is a high level anguish.
%
"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
%
Basic, n.:
	A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
	that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
%
Bathquake, n.:
	The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
	faucet is turned on to a certain point.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
door.
%
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
%
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
face.

	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
%
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Be different: conform.
%
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
%
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
%
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.

	-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Bees are very busy souls
They have no time for birth controls
And that is why in times like these
There are so many Sons of Bees.
%
Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
followers.

One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.

"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"

Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)

	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.

	-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
%
Begathon, n.:
	A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
	you won't have to watch commercials.
%
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.
%
Beifeld's Principle:
	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
	receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he
	is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
	looking and richer male friend.
%
"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
%
No fortune today!
%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
	(1) Houses are for people to live in.
	(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
	(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
%
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"

	-- Time Bandits
%
Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
  club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

	-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%
Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
%
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
	be good
}
%
Better dead than mellow.
%
Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
great effort pushing boulders into a single word.

It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
both Parliament and Party.

It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
planets, this may be the first message received from us.

	-- The Realist, November, 1964.
%
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it."

	-- Donald Knuth
%
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
%
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
%
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.

	-- Leonard Brandwein
%
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
drip under pressure.
%
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
their ignorance the hard way."

	-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
%
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
nothing of interest is easy.
%
Binary, adj.:
	Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
%
"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
thing as division."
%
Bipolar, adj.:
	Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York
%
Birth, n.:
	The first and direst of all disasters.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
%
Bizoos, n.:
	The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
%
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
%
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
Wheels.
%
BLISS is ignorance
%
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
%
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
%
Blore's Razor:
	Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
	funnier.
%
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
throwing up on them.
%
Boling's postulate:
	If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
%
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
	vividly manifests their lack of progress.
%
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
%
BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
%
Boob's Law:
	You always find something in the last place you look.
%
Bore, n.:
	A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.

	-- Walter Winchell
%
Bore, n.:
	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Boren's Laws:
	(1) When in charge, ponder.
	(2) When in trouble, delegate.
	(3) When in doubt, mumble.
%
Boss, n.:
	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
	the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
	in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
	ornamental stud."
%
Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
straightened out for a crowbar.

	-- O. W. Holmes
%
Boston, n.:
	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
	finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
%
"Boy, life takes a long time to live

	-- Steven Wright
%
Boy, n.:
	A noise with dirt on it.
%
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.

	-- James Thurber
%
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

	-- Kin Hubbard
%
Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'

	-- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style"
%
Bradley's Bromide:
	If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
	committee -- that will do them in.
%
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
	have handled this?"
%
Brain fried -- Core dumped
%
Brain, n.:
	The apparatus with which we think that we think.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
	error in an opponent.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Bride, n.:
	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
%
British Israelites:
	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
	Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
	Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
	believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
	Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
	the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your
	head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Broad-mindedness, n.:
	The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
%
Brontosaurus Principle:
	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
	in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
	this occurs, they are an endangered species.

	-- Thomas K. Connellan
%
Brook's Law:
	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
%
Brooke's Law:
	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
	discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
	beyond recognition.
%
Bubble Memory, n.:
	A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
	intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
%
Bucy's Law:
	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
%
Bug, n.:
	An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
	programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options
	when s/he wrote the program.

	Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.

	-- Ray Simard
%
Bugs, pl. n.:
	Small living things that small living boys throw on small
	living girls.
%
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
	  		outfit."

GENERAL:  "What does that make YOU?"

BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."

	-- Jay Ward
%
Bumper sticker:

	"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
	manufacture"
%
Bureaucrat, n.:
	A person who cuts red tape sideways.

	-- J. McCabe
%
Bureaucrat, n.:
	A politician who has tenure.
%
Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
%
Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
	    sawhorse.
	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
	    perfectly balanced.
	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.

	-- Robert Burns
%
	... But among the children of the Great Society there were
those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
people go to the front of the bus."
	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."

	-- "The Begatting of a President"
%
... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
paws."
%
"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
%
... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.

	-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
%
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.

	-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
	  Compilers"
%
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station."
%
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.

	-- Hilaire Belloc
%
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!

	-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
%
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
increases.

	-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a
kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
explained yet about the bytes?"
%
... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.

	-- Virginia Masters
%
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
computers?"
%
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
%
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
%
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact,
it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
invent. (R. Emerson)"

	-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
	  (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
	  [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
	  misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
%
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect 'Hungry' ..."

	-- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
%
By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
mean.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.

	-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
C, n.:
	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
today, or it isn't.

	-- Ray Simard
%
Cabbage, n.:
	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."

	-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
%
Cahn's Axiom:
	When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.

	-- Fred Allen
%
California, n.:
	From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."

	-- Ed Moran
%
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

	-- Indian proverb
%
"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
%
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."

	-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."

	-- Clarence Darrow
%
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
points.

	-- M. M. Johnston
%
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

	-- Supplement:
	A .44 magnum beats four aces.
%
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.

	-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
	  Post
%
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
recipients are Cancer people.
%
Canonical, adj.:
	The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true
story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a
point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used
the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
	Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
	Stallman: "What did he say?"
	Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
%
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
%
Captain Penny's Law:
	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
%
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
planning to reduce the time it takes.
%
Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
trousers that don't match.
%
Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Cat, n.:
	Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
%
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
%
Cecil, you're my final hope
Of finding out the true Straight Dope
For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously alive and dead!
What I don't understand is just why he
Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.

	-- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
	  of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
%
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
%
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation
works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool.

	-- Kelvin Throop III
%
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
%
Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
Jaka:	Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
	out of it?
Jaka:	Ugh!
Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?

	-- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
%
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
	Did you ever try buying them without money?

	-- Ogden Nash
%
	Chapter 1

	-- The story so far:

	-- 	In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
%
Character Density, n.:
	The number of very weird people in the office.
%
Checkuary, n.:
	The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and
ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
checks.
%
Chef, n.:
	Any cook who swears in French.
%
Chemicals, n.:
	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
%
Chemistry is applied theology.

	-- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
%
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
%
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".

	-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
%
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
cheerfully baste you.

	-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
%
Chicago, n.:
	Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
%
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
%
Chicken Little was right.
%
Chicken Soup, n.:
	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
is neurotic dependence on one's mother.

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
%
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.

	-- Franklin P. Jones
%
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
%
Chism's Law of Completion:
	The amount of time required to complete a government project is
precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
%
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
	When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
%
Chivalry, Schmivalry!
	Roger the thief has a
	method he uses for
	sneaky attacks:
Folks who are reading are
	Characteristically
	Always Forgetting to
	Guard their own bac ...
%
Christ:
	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
%
Cigarette, n.:
	A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
between.
%
Cinemuck, n.:
	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
covers the floors of movie theaters.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Clairvoyant, n.:
	A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

	-- Phyllis Diller
%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
%
Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
%
"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.

	-- Mark Twain
%
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
%
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

	-- Blair Houghton
%
Coincidence, n.:
	You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
going on.
%
Coincidences are spiritual puns.

	-- G. K. Chesterton
%
Cold, adj.:
	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
%
Cold, adj.:
	When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
pockets.
%
Collaboration, n.:
	A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
other fellow can spell.
%
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Colvard's Logical Premises:
	All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
	won't.

	-- Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
	This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
	attracted to.

	-- Grelb's Commentary
	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Command, n.:
	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
%
	COMMENT

	-- Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
Commitment, n.:
	Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
%
Committee Rules:
	(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
	(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
	  stamps you as being wise.
	(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
	  others.
	(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
	(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
	  popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
%
Committee, n.:
	A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
decide that nothing can be done.

	-- Fred Allen
%
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.
%
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

	-- Clive James
%
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.

	-- Josh Billings
%
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

	-- David Guaspari
%
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
theory.
%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

	-- Pablo Picasso
%
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
the world that just don't add up.
%
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
than the estimate the job will cost.
%
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.

	-- LaRouchefoucauld
%
Concept, n.:
	Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
$25,000.
%
... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
business, it probably would be gibberish.

	-- Thom McLeod
%
Condense soup, not books!
%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.

	-- Peter de Vries
%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
situation.
%
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

	-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%
Connector Conspiracy, n:
	[probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
interface devices.
%
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
%
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.
%
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

	-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
%
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"

	-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
%
Conversation, n.:
	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
is called the listener.
%
Conway's Law:
	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
	what is going on.

	-- 	This person must be fired.
%
Coronation, n.:
	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Corrupt, adj.:
	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
%
Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
make of capitalism.

	-- Walter Lippmann
%
Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job
is to enforce the law and fight crime.

	-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
%
Court, n.:
	A place where they dispense with justice.

	-- Arthur Train
%
Coward, n.:
	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.

	-- Wernher von Braun
%
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

	-- A. E. Newman
%
Critic, n.:
	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Croll's Query:
	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
%
cursor address, n:
	"Hello, cursor!"

	-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

	-- Johnny Hart
%
"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

	-- Johnny Hart
%
Cynic, n.:
	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Cynic, n.:
	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
eye.
%
Dare to be naive.

	-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
%
Dave Mack:	"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
Allen Gwinn:	"Yours is."
%
Dawn, n.:
	The time when men of reason go to bed.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
%
%
VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
%
Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
improve.
%
Dear Lord:
	I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
the other hand", again.
%
Dear Miss Manners:
	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
courses, is all right. Which is correct?

	-- Gentle Reader:
	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this
principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
believes that is.
%
Dear Miss Manners:
	Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
your face.

	-- Gentle Reader:
	Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
your face ...
%
Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
dead bat?

	-- Answer: Yes.

	-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

	-- Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.

	-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

	-- R. Geis
%
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
%
"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
%
Death is only a state of mind.

	-- Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
%
Death to all fanatics!
%
Decision maker, n.:
	The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
before the music stopped.
%
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).

	-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
	  Assoc.
%
	Deck Us All With Boston Charlie

	-- Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!

	-- Don't we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

	-- Walt Kelly
%
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
blessed.

	-- Randy Davis
%
default, n.:
	[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.

	-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
#define BX_(x)	((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)	\
	   - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)	\
	   - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))

	-- 	-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%
	DELETE A FORTUNE!

	-- Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
gets expunged.
%
Deliberation, n.:
	The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
buttered on.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
%
Demand the establishment of the government
in its rightful home at Disneyland.
%
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

	-- Senator Soaper
%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

	-- G. B. Shaw
%
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
don't think.
%
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.

	-- Jawaharlal Nehru
%
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
are right more than half of the time.

	-- E. B. White
%
Democracy, n.:
	A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass
meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy.
Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.

	-- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
	  since withdrawn.
%
Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
%
Dentist, n.:
	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Despising machines to a man,
The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
	And ride out by night
	In a sheeting of white
To lynch all the robots they can.

	-- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
%
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
the table.

	-- The Anarchist Cookbook
%
	DETERIORATA

	-- Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss -- and when.
Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

	-- 	You are a fluke of the universe ...
	You have no right to be here.
	Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
	Is laughing behind your back.

	-- National Lampoon
%
DeVries's Dilemma:
	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
%
Did I say 2? I lied.
%
Did you know ...

	-- That no-one ever reads these things?
%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
%
Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:

	-- 	"Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
	squirrel."

	-- 	-- ihuxw!tommyo
%
Die, v.:
	To stop sinning suddenly.

	-- Elbert Hubbard
%
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him."

	-- John Barrymore's dying words
%
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%
Disc space -- the final frontier!
%
Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
yours too."

	-- Dave Haynie
%
Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
Distinctive, adj.:
	A different color or shape than our competitors.
%
Distress, n.:
	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
damage inflicted on the vehicle.
%
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
%
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
%
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%
Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
anger.
%
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup."
%
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
%
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
%
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.

	-- Donald Kaul
%
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
%
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%
Do you have lysdexia?
%
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
the time to take the dirt out of them?
%
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

	-- Dick Brandon
%
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
%
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%
Don't be humble ... you're not that great.

	-- Golda Meir
%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%
Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!

	-- Joe Cointment
%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.

	-- They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They
used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used
finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used
fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints.
They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile.
They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And
what the hell, they caught him.

	-- 	-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
	  Tick-Tock Man"
%
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
%
Don't feed the bats tonight.
%
Don't get even -- get odd!
%
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
misleading. Debug only code.

	-- Dave Storer
%
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
you nothing. It was here first."

	-- Mark Twain
%
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
%
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
%
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
%
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
%
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
%
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
distance.
%
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
%
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
%
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
%
"Don't say yes until I finish talking."

	-- Darryl F. Zanuck
%
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
Cheat.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!

	-- "Brazil"
%
Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.

	-- Walt Kelly
%
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
%
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
%
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!"
%
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you.

	-- The Old Farmer's Almanac
%
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."

	-- Howard Aiken
%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia.

	-- Charles Schultz
%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
%
Don:  I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
	pretty?
W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
	bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
	sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
Don:	Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
W. C.:	It's almost impossible.

	-- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
	  E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
%
	Double Bucky
	(Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")

	-- Double bucky, you're the one!
You make my keyboard lots of fun
	Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
(Vo-vo-de-o!)
Control and Meta side by side,
Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
	Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!

	-- Double bucky, left and right
OR'd together, outta sight!
	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
	Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!

	-- 	-- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
%
Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
belief in the tooth fairy.
%
Down with categorical imperative!
%
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
%
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.
%
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
%
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
%
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
route!
%
Ducharme's Axiom:
	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
%
Ducharme's Precept:
	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
%
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together ...

	-- Carl Zwanzig
%
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
%
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.
%
Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
discontinued.
%
	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
	"Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
shot at mine, over there."
%
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it."

	-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
E Pluribus Unix
%
Eagleson's Law:
	Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
%
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
%
Earth is a beta site.
%
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

	-- Jeff Berner
%
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
	Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
means the puzzle is solved.

	-- Steve Rubenstein
%
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
%
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
%
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

	-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Economics, n.:
	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
Galbraith ...

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy
would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it
hasn't.

	-- Robert Orben
%
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.

	-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

	-- Fred Allen
%
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

	-- Irsin Edman
%
Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

	-- Bullwinkle Moose
%
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

	-- Adlai Stevenson
%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

	-- To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and,
	   if they are in season, eggs...
%
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.

	-- Bellamy Brooks
%
Egotist, n.:
	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ehrman's Commentary:
	(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
	(2) Who said things would get better?
%
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.

	-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
%
Eleanor Rigby
	Sits at the keyboard
	And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
	Finding some code
	That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

	-- All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
	   All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
%
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
%
	Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
although God alone knows why it would want to.
	The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
harmful electron buildup in the wires.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Electrocution, n.:
	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%
Elevators smell different to midgets
%
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
	can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
%
Encyclopedia Salesmen:
	Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
and tell them your house is being burgled.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

	-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.

	-- Jerome Lettvin
%
Epperson's law:
	When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
something his wife can beat him at.
%
Equal bytes for women.
%
Error in operator: add beer
%
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
	Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.

	-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

	-- Woody Allen
%
Etymology, n.:
	Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed
from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."

	-- Mike Kellen
%
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
speak it to?

	-- Clarence Darrow
%
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there."

	-- Will Rogers
%
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."

	-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
day.
%
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
%
Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something?
My wife is available. No. How about ..."

	-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
%
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
%
Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
woman and stop her.
%
"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
highly-motivated, caustic twits."

	-- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
humanity hanging on a cross of iron.

	-- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
%
Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):

	-- Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
color"], that does not exist.
%
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.

	-- Frank Moore Colby
%
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.

	-- Don Vonada
%
"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
%
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.

	-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

	-- Robert Orben
%
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.

	-- It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
%
Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
another for which it wasn't.
%
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
%
"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
%
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

	-- Beckett
%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

	-- Dykstra
%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers.
%
Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
realize it.
%
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way ...

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
%
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
%
Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.

	-- Ingmar Bergman
%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%
Everything you know is wrong!
%
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
straight lines.

	-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.

	-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
%
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
%
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
%
Excellent time to become a missing person.
%
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.

	-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
%
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
the work.

	-- John G. Pollard
%
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
%
Expense Accounts, n.:
	Corporate food stamps.
%
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

	-- Olivier
%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

	-- F. P. Jones
%
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.
%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
ones.
%
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
%
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%
Expert, n.:
	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
%
Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:

	-- 	NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE

	-- To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
%
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
%
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
%
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
%
F:	When into a room I plunge, I
	Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
	Then I linger, darkly brooding
	On the poison they're exuding.

	-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
%
Fairy Tale, n.:
	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%
Faith, n:
	That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
untrue.
%
Fakir, n:
	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
%
Familiarity breeds attempt
%
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
	-- Su Tung-p'o
%
Famous last words:
%
Famous last words:
	(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
	(2) "You and what army?"
	(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
	   a cop."
%
Famous last words:
	(1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
	(2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
	(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
	(4) We won't need reservations.
	(5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
	(6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
	(7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
%
Famous, adj.:
	Conspicuously miserable.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...

	-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Fats Loves Madelyn
%
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
%
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
%
	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
d'oeuvres.
	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.
	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

	-- 	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
%
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

	-- Corollary:
	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
live.
%
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
%
Fifty flippant frogs
Walked by on flippered feet
And with their slime they made the time
Unnaturally fleet.
%
	FIGHTING WORDS

	-- Say my love is easy had,
	Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
	Still behold me at your side.

	-- Say I'm neither brave nor young,
	Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
	Still you have my heart to wear.

	-- But say my verses do not scan,
	And I get me another man!

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
%
Finagle's Creed:
	Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
%
Finagle's First Law:
	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%
Finagle's fourth Law:
	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
it worse.
%
Finagle's Second Law:
	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
happened according to his own pet theory.
%
Finagle's Third Law:
	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

	-- Corollaries:
	(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
	(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
	  don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
%
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.

	-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
%
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
%
Fine's Corollary:
	Functionality breeds Contempt.
%
Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:

	-- 	"Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."

	-- Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:

	-- 	P.O. Box 35
	Baffled Greek, Michigan
%
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
	Machines that piss people off get murdered.

	-- Pat Taber
%
First Law of Bicycling:
	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
wind.
%
First Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
the deadline).
%
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
	Celibacy is not hereditary.
%
First Rule of History:
	History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
other.
%
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"

	-- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
%
First, a few words about tools.

	-- Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.

	-- Robert Firth
%
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the m"obius strip;
	The strip revolved,
	The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
%
Flon's Law:
	There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
%
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
joules!"

	-- "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."

	-- "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."

	-- Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.

	-- "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...

	-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
%
flowchart, n. & v.:
	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.

	-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Flugg's Law:
	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
	world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
%
Flying saucers on occasion
	Show themselves to human eyes.
Aliens fume, put off invasion
	While they brand these tales as lies.
%
Fog Lamps, n.:
	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
	fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
	driver's brain is in a fog.

	-- See also "Idiot Lights".
%
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.

	-- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
%
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
%
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
%
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
cat.
%
"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
%
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
always old-fashioned.
%
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.

	-- R. Clopton
%
"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."

"Whose?"

"MINE! HA-HA!"
%
For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
%
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
("part of this complete breakfast").

	-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
%
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
	(1) Be content with what you've got.
	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
%
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

	-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
%
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
%
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
computers altogether?"

	-- Jehan Shuman
%
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off."

	-- Johnny Carson
%
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.

	-- Justin Richardson.
%
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
%
Forgetfulness, n.:
	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
	destitution of conscience.
%
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS!	#6

RAZORBACK:	Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
		One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
		arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
		hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
%
fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:

I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
"Hey you, get off my plate"

	-- Roger Midnight
%
Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
	"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
%
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):

Don't Write On Walls!

(and underneath)

You want I should type?
%
Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
	No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
	State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
	with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
	weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
	apply to female horses.
%
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.

DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
	  having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
	  is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
	  large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
	  amounts of fertilization ...
HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
	  teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
%
Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:

	-- Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
%
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS	#14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:

THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
	    information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
 him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
%
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
%
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!

	-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
%
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
	instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Corollary:
	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
	except study for that instructor's course.
%
Fourth Law of Revision:
	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
	interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
%
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
almost one, it is damn near zero.

	-- David Ellis
%
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
policeman's tie.
%
Fresco's Discovery:
	If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
%
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar.
The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, - for Brutus is
a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, - Come I
to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
%
Frisbeetarianism, n.:
	The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
	gets stuck.
%
Frobnicate, v.:
	To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
	Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
	frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
	sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
	manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
	search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
	turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
	he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
	screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
	turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
%
Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
	An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
	electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
	FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
	FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
	FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
	via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
	applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
%
[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
Association, in Rome]:

The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
schizophrenia in mass genocide.
%
From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
being nuts (unground)."
%
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

	-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
%
[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
in Japan]:

	The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.

	And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
%
From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
experience in sound:

	5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
	   sound is normal for this type of connector.
%
From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.

	-- Swinburne
%
Fuch's Warning:
	If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
	enough to travel.
%
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
%
Furbling, v.:
	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
	even when you are the only person in line.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

	-- H. H. Williams
%
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
%
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
that's your chance, my boy."
%
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
%
Garter, n.:
	An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
	stockings and desolating the country.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

	-- Adventures of Asterix.
%
	Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".

	Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:

	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?

	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow ...

	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
think not, my friend, I think not.

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you."
"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
"Only to ten, Mudhead."

	-- Firesign Theater
%
"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
	You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
	because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
	for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
	committing incest.
%
GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
	Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
	you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
	and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
	trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
%
Genderplex, n.:
	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
	determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
	tortoises).

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
%
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

	-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Genius, n.:
	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
%
George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.

	-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.

	-- Ashley Cooper
%
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
	(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
	(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
	(3) The energy required to change either one of these states
	    will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
	    much as to make the task totally impossible.
%
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
%
	Get GUMMed
	-- ------

The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
could tell them.

	-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
%
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%
-- Gifts for Children --

This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.

	-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
-- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
of tires.

	-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Gimmie That Old Time Religion
We will follow Zarathustra,	We will worship like the Druids,
Zarathustra like we use to,	Dancing naked in the woods,
I'm a Zarathustra booster,	Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
(chorus)
(chorus)

In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!

(chorus)

CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
	 Give me that old time religion,
	 Give me that old time religion,
	 'Cause it's good enough for me!
%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
	(1) You can't win.
	(2) You can't break even.
	(3) You can't even quit the game.

	Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
	Theorem. To wit:

	(1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
	(2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
	(3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
%
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
%
"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."

	-- Napolean
%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

	-- Eric Clapton
%
Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP
machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.

	-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
	probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some
	useful work done.
%
Gnagloot, n.:
	A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
	impress people.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
%
Go climb a gravity well!
%
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.

	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%
God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
days and then pulled an all-nighter.
%
God doesn't play dice.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"

	Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
	end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
	can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
	would he lie about a thing like that?

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
night!

	-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
%
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
%
God is a polythiest
%
God is Dead
	-- Nietzsche

Nietzsche is Dead
	-- God

Nietzsche is God
	-- The Dead
%
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
%
God is real, unless declared integer.
%
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
other things.

	-- Pablo Picasso
%
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

	-- Alfred Jarry
%
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
%
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board

	-- Mark Twain
%
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.

	-- Kronecker
%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
%
God rest ye CS students now,
Let nothing you dismay.
The VAX is down and won't be up,
Until the first of May.
The program that was due this morn,
Won't be postponed, they say.

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

The bearings on the drum are gone,
The disk is wobbling, too.
We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Can't tell false from true.
And now we find that we can't get
At Berkeley's 4.2.

	-- (chorus)
%
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car.
%
Gold, n.:
	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
	is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men
	who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although
	gold hasn't done anything to them.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Goldenstern's Rules:
	(1) Always hire a rich attorney
	(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
%
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.

	-- La Rouchefoucauld
%
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
%
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
%
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
%
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
%
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
%
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
%
"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."

	-- George Saunders' dying words
%
Gordon's first law:
	If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
%
"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time
travel, you never can tell."

	-- Dr. Who
%
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
time travel, you never can tell."

	-- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
%
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
%
Goto, n.:
	A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
	to complain about unstructured programmers.

	-- Ray Simard
%
Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.

	-- John Updike, "Couples"
%
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
different lies.
%
Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
doesn't know much.

	-- Will Rogers
%
Grabel's Law:
	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
%
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
%
Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.
%
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%
Gray's Law of Programming:
	`_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
	time as `_n' tasks.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
	`_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
%
Great minds run in great circles.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917

On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
stood lookout.
%
Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
tickets.
%
Greener's Law:
	Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
%
Grelb's Reminder:
	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
	average drivers.
%
"Grub first, then ethics."

	-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Gurmlish, n.:
	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the
	person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.

	-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
%
Gyroscope, n.:
	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.

	-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
%
H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.

	-- Maxwell Bodenheim
%
H. L. Mencken's Law:
	Those who can - do.
	Those who can't - teach.

Martin's Extension:
	Those who cannot teach - administrate.
%
H:	If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
	Slice him up before he slays you.
	Nothing makes you look a slob
	Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).

	-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
Hacker's Law:
	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
	nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed.
%
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
%
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?

	-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
%
Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
%
Half-done:
	This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
	crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
	between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
	the difference between life and death.

	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
	there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
	airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
	Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
	Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
	about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
	man, "Let me have a nice half-done."

	Worth the trouble, wasn't it?

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Hall's Laws of Politics:
	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
	    fixed.
	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in
	    their own districts).
%
Hand, n.:
	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
	commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Hanlon's Razor:
	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
	stupidity.
%
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
	There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
	before Saturday.
%
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

	-- Oscar Levant
%
Happiness, n.:
	An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
%
Hardware, n.:
	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%
Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.

	-- Tobias Smollet
%
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens

	-- From "The Thirteen Clocks"
%
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.

	-- Tom Lehrer
%
Harris's Lament:
	All the good ones are taken.
%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
%
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
just like Richard Nixon."

	-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
%
Hartley's First Law:
	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
	on his back, you've got something.
%
Hartley's Second Law:
	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%
Harvard Law:
	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
	temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
	do as it damn well pleases.
%
"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
"Yes, I don't have one."
"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."

	-- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
%
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
%
Has your family tried 'em?

POWDERMILK BISCUITS

Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!

They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

POWDERMILK BISCUITS

Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
that indicate freshness.
%
Hatred, n.:
	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Have an adequate day.
%
Have an adequate day.
%
Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?

Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
only serves to blunt the warning signs.

	-- 	Long live the revolution!
		Have a nice day.
%
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
for play?
%
Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
"Have you lived here all your life?"
"Oh, twice that long."
%
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
%
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
sharply the minute they start waving guns around?

	-- Dr. Who
%
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
%
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
perversion."

	-- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
%
"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
%
He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
perfectly delightful.

	-- Sydney Smith
%
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
of ever behaving "normally."

	-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."

	-- Mark Twain
%
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
%
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

	-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%
He thought he saw an albatross
That fluttered 'round the lamp.
He looked again and saw it was
A penny postage stamp.
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
"The nights are rather damp."
%
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

	-- Jonathon Swift
%
"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable."
%
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes ..."
%
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.

	-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
%
He who Laughs, Lasts.
%
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
%
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
%
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
%
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.

	-- Walt Kelley
%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

	-- Redd Foxx
%
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

	-- Redd Foxx
%
Heaven, n.:
	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
	their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
	expound your own.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Heavy, adj.:
	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
%
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
%
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.

	-- Milton Friedman
%
Heller's Law:
	The first myth of management is that it exists.

Johnson's Corollary:
	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
%
"Hello," he lied.

	-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
%
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
%
Help fight continental drift.
%
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
%
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
%
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
%
HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!

	-- E. E. CUMMINGS
%
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men they honored so the dame
Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
%
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
%
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
All logged in, but work unstarted.
First net.this and net.that,
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.

The boss comes by, and I play the game,
Then I turn back to net.flame.
Is there a cure (I need your views),
For someone trapped in net.news?

I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
%
Here in my heart, I am Helen;
I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;
Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.

I'm all of the glamorous ladies
At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
So I stay at home with a book.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
important electrical lesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit.

Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
have carpeting.

	-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".

	Bite the wax tadpole.

There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
but broad satiric vistas do not open up.

	-- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
%
"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"

	-- Jay Leno
%
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
%
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"

	-- W. C. Fields
%
Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
%
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.

"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet,
our motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"

	-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
%
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;	Here lies a man with sundry flaws
Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.		And numerous Sins upon his head;
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,	We buried him today because
Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.		As far as we can tell, he's dead.

	-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
	   Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;

	  "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
%
Higgeldy Piggeldy,
Hamlet of Elsinore
Ruffled the critics by
Dropping this bomb:		"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis
				Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just love Mom."
%
Hindsight is an exact science.
%
Hippogriff, n.:
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
of surprises.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Hire the morally handicapped.
%
"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
money, he went to Southern California."
%
"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"

	-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
%
History is curious stuff
You'd think by now we had enough
Yet the fact remains I fear
They make more of it every year.
%
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
%
History, n.:
Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long
view.

	-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.
%
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
	Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
%
Hofstadter's Law:
	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
	Hofstadter's Law into account.
%
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.

	-- Rex Reed
%
	Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
	Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
these sometime around the middle of next week".

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.

	-- Chris Shaw
%
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
%
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

	-- F. M. Hubbard
%
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
%
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
%
Honorable, adj.:
	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
	bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
	honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Horngren's Observation:
	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

	-- W. C. Fields
%
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
%
"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed."

	-- Neil Armstrong
%
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
%
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%
"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
%
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

	-- Elliot, "E.T."
%
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

	-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
How doth the VAX's C compiler
Improve its object code.
And even as we speak does it
Increase the system load.

How patiently it seems to run
And spit out error flags,
While users, with frustration, all
Tear their clothes to rags.
%
How doth the VAX's C-compiler
Improve its object code.
And even as we speak does it
Increase the system load.

How patiently it seems to run
And spit out error flags,
While users, with frustration, all
Tear all their clothes to rags.
%
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
%
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."

How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
%
"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
carried by a waiter at a nice party?"

Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
cheese!" and so on.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
nanocentury.

	-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
%
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?

	-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
	#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
%
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
	#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
%
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
	#32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
%
Howe's Law:
	Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
%
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner ... sulking and nausea.

	-- Tom K. Ryan
%
HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill.,
motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
the bill. Agreed to.

	-- Albuquerque Journal
%
Hug O' War

I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.

	-- Shel Silverstein
%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
Nobel Prize.
%
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
%
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."

	-- William Gilbert
%
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
	to ..... to ........ uh ..............
%
I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.

	-- Richard M. Nixon

What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?

	-- Richard M. Nixon
%
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
by some more."

	-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
%
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
%
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"

	-- Paul McCracken
%
"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."

	-- Gloria Steinem
%
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.

	-- Dennis Ritchie
%
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

	-- English Professor
%
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

	-- Winston Churchill
%
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."

	-- English Professor, Ohio University
%
I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
with an option to buy.
%
"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
%
"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."

	-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
%
"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."

	-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
	University of Tennessee at Knoxville
%
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
they don't even invite me."

	-- Dave Barry
%
'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."

	-- G. K. Chesterton
%
"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."

	-- Will Rogers
%
"I bet the human brain is a kludge."

	-- Marvin Minsky
%
I brake for chezlogs!
%
I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.

	-- Biff Barf
%
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
relentless day.

	-- Betty MacDonald
%
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
%
"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
true."

	-- Harry Truman
%
"I can resist anything but temptation."
%
"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."

	-- Joe Walsh
%
"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."

	-- Florence Henderson
%
I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
understand it.

	-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
%
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

	-- Fred Allen
%
"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."

	-- Lillian Hellman
%
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...

	-- F. H. Wales (1936)
%
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."

	-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
%
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
voice.

"No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:

"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
%
" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
standing still ..."

	-- Steven Wright
%
I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps
the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."

	-- Peter Oakley
%
"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
%
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
curtain was up.
%
I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
library, we could call each other up:

	You: 	Hello? Bob?

	Bob: 	Yes?

	You: 	This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
		took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?

	Bob: 	Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?

	You: 	Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
		"Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
		I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
		and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
		the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
		have to get back to you.

	Bob: Fine.

	-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
different.

	-- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
%
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."

	-- Isaac Asimov
%
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."

	-- Galileo Galilei
%
"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."

	-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
don't believe in astrology."

	-- James R. F. Quirk
%
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!!
%
I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
a frog jumping on my Breakfast.

	-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%
"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating"

	-- Boss Tweed
%
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."

	-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people
waiting to abuse me."

	-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
%
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

	-- Elvis Presley
%
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."

	-- Elvis Presley
%
"I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said

Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- till I tell you.
I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"

"But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected.

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."

"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many
different things."

"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- that's all."

	-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it,
and I just hate it."

	-- Clarence Darrow
%
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

	-- Ronald Mabbitt
%
I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
streets and frighten the horses.

	-- Victor Hugo
%
"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
%
"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
%
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other
hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
%
I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...

	-- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!"
%
I doubt, therefore I might be.
%
"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"I drink to make other people interesting."

	-- George Jean Nathan
%
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.
%
I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.

Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
%
"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
%
"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

	-- Gotama Buddha
%
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________
horrifying* 20 minutes of my life!
%
'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

	-- Mae West
%
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
	Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
	So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
%
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.

	-- Pete Seeger
%
"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"

	-- Mary Lou Bax
%
"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
%
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
it's going to be up all night."

	-- Steven Wright
%
"I hate quotations."

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
I have a simple philosophy:

	Fill what's empty.
	Empty what's full.
	Scratch where it itches.

	-- A. R. Longworth
%
"I have a very firm grasp on reality!
I can reach out and strangle it any time!"
%
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."

	-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
and they never believe me.

	-- Camillo Di Cavour
%
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.

	-- Edgar Allan Poe
%
"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."

	-- President Harry S Truman
%
I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres
Which still grates on
Some people's n'oeuvres.

	-- Warren Knox
%
"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
that I have never made one."

	-- James Gordon Bennett
%
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter."

	-- Blaise Pascal
%
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
____BODY!

	-- from "Cerebus" #82
%
"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."

	-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.

	-- Steven Wright
%
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

	-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
%
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child."

	-- Steven Wright
%
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

	-- Poul Anderson
%
"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
%
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
%
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
%
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."

	-- Bill Hoest
%
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
%
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

	-- Albert Einstein
%
"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."

	-- Charles Schulz
%
"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."

	-- Art Leo
%
I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
the way and let them have it.

	-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
%
"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
%
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."

	-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
%
"I love to eat them Smurfies
Smurfies what I love to eat
Bite they ugly heads off,
Nibble on they bluish feet."
%
"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
speed of light."

	-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
%
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."

	-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up."

	-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
%
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
%
"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away."
%
"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
%
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

	-- G. B. Shaw
%
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

	-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
%
"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
nerve disease."

	-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
%
"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob."

	-- William F. Buckley
%
"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"

	-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
plumber.

But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
write about, such as nose-picking.

	-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
	   Political Fallout"
%
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
%
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
%
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.

	-- Will Rogers
%
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
I sent a letter to the fish,
I told them, "This is what I wish."
The little fishes of the sea,
They sent an answer back to me.
The little fishes' answer was
"We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
I sent a letter back to say
It would be better to obey.
But someone came to me and said
"The little fishes are in bed."
I said to him, and I said it plain
"Then you must wake them up again."
I said it very loud and clear,
I went and shouted in his ear.
But he was very stiff and proud,
He said "You needn't shout so loud."
And he was very proud and stiff,
He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
I took a kettle from the shelf,
I went to wake them up myself.
But when I found the door was locked
I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
And when I found the door was shut,
I tried to turn the handle, But ...

	"Is that all?" asked Alice.
	"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."

	-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."

	-- Graffito in Los Angeles
%
"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."

	-- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning Points in l'Amour"
%
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died."

	-- Steven Wright
%
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

	-- Shirley Temple
%
I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
tub to face is up.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
because I couldn't remember the proof."

	-- Baker, Pure Math 351a
%
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
%
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.

	-- Monty Python
%
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
I think that I shall never see
A thing as lovely as a tree.
But as you see the trees have gone
They went this morning with the dawn.
A logging firm from out of town
Came and chopped the trees all down.
But I will trick those dirty skunks
And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
%
"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."

	-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
%
I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
conversation ...

	-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
%
" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"

	-- Winston Churchill
%
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

	-- Woody Allen
%
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
%
"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
%
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
%
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
body. Then I realized who was telling me this."

	-- Emo Phillips
%
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.

	-- Steven Wright
%
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.

	-- Brendan Behan
%
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
HAW"!!'"

	-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
%
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.

	-- Will Rogers
%
"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway."

	-- Steven Wright
%
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
didn't know."

	-- Mark Twain
%
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

	-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
%
"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died."

	-- Steven Wright
%
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
specific".

	-- Steven Wright
%
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
the point where it would not run at all.

	-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
	   Holes and the Fate of Stars"
%
"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
for him then.

	-- Steven Wright
%
"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included."

	-- Steven Wright
%
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums."

	-- Steven Wright
%
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!
%
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."

	-- Gallagher
%
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me."

	-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
to undo it."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
blender."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
garage door."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
Julian to Gregorian."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
static cling."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
cottage cheese sculpture."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
transplant."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
came back."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
tuned."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
need worrying about."
%
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
%
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

	-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
%
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
listen to it!

	-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
%
I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."

	-- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
%
"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man."
%
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
%
"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister."
%
I'm changing my name to Chrysler
I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
I'll tell some power broker
	What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
I'm heading for that great receiving line.
When they hand a million grand out,
	I'll be standing with my hand out,
Yessir, I'll get mine!

	-- Tom Paxton
%
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
%
"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
%
"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
die in."

	-- George McGovern
%
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.

	-- Fred Allen
%
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!

	-- Spider Robinson
%
... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
KOSHER DELI!!
%
"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

	-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
%
i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
living apart.

	-- e. e. cummings
%
I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
She's traversed me seven times before.
And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
N-ary the tree I am, I am,
N-ary the tree I am.
%
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
%
"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life."
%
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
I could be just as proud for half the money.

	-- Arthur Godfrey
%
I'm rated PG-34!!
%
"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again
____REAL soon ..."
%
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."

	-- English Professor, Providence College
%
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

	-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
%
"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives"
%
I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.

I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

	-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
	   "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
	   by Gilbert & Sullivan)
%
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
%
I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
this little hole in the bottom ...

	-- John Croll
%
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
%
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
on the same day.
%
"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
%
"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"

	-- Senator Claghorn
%
I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.

	-- Shakespeare
%
IBM had a PL/I,
	Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
	It was a total loss.
%
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
%
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
solitary confinement.
%
Idiot Box, n.:
	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
	stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Idiot, n.:
	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
	affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.

	-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
%
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.

	-- Roy Santoro
%
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

	-- Paul White
%
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
forecast is a camel's behind.

	-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work.
_Y is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.

	-- T. Cheatham
%
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
it votes guilty.

	-- Joseph C. Goulden
%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
him up.
%
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
%
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.

	-- Donald A. Metz
%
"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win --
unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"

	-- Sparky Anderson
%
If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
%
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

	-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
%
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

	-- Paul Beatty
%
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
conclusion.

	-- William Baumol
%
If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.

	-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
%
If anything can go wrong, it will.
%
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
%
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
%
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
%
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
%
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
%
If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal
faster.

	-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
%
... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
to a can.
%
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
%
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
%
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
%
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
%
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
green, baggy skin.
%
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
%
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
invent it.
%
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
%
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
%
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."

	-- Yiddish saying
%
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?

	-- Marvin Kitman
%
"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
%
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
%
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
plantation and go home.

	-- Eugene P. Gallagher
%
If I had any humility I would be perfect.

	-- Ted Turner
%
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."

	-- Albert Einstein
%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.

	-- Isaac Newton

In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.

	-- Gerald Holton

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
on my shoulders.

	-- Hal Abelson

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.

	-- Brian K. Reid
%
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.

On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.

The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
friendly.

The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.

	-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.

	-- Bert Whitney
%
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
%
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
%
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
of it.

	-- Thomas Carlyle
%
"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
receive Net Mail ..."

	-- Leith (Casey) Leedom
%
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
%
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

	-- Tom Robbins
%
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
you've got in the house.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
%
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
%
"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

	-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
%
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.

	-- A. Einstein.
%
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.

	-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
%
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
%
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
he should see how bad it is with representation.
%
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.

	-- Vannevar Bush
%
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.

	-- Pope John Paul I
%
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."

	-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
%
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.

	-- Stanley Garn
%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

	-- Norm Schryer
%
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"

	-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
%
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
%
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.

	-- Reverend Chichester
%
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
%
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
%
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

	-- Art Hoppe
%
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
something out of you.

	-- Muhammad Ali
%
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
%
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
%
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
%
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
yesterday?
%
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
doing the thinking.

	-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

	-- Laurence J. Peter
%
"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
%
"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
%
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.

	-- Marguerite Emmons
%
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?

	-- Ann Edwards-Duff
%
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."

	-- J. Paul Getty
%
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
%
If you can read this, you're too close.
%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

	-- Harry S Truman
%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.

	-- Clarence Day
%
If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.

	-- Freeman Dyson
%
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet."

	-- Jay Leno
%
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
either of you for the rest of the day.
%
"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
have to get a toehold in the public eye."
%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
%
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
will always do it.

	-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
%
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce"

	-- Winston Churchill
%
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
%
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
%
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
%
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
boot yourself in the posterior.

	-- A. J. Liebling
%
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
%
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

	-- Graham Summer
%
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.

	-- George Burns
%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
%
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

	-- Maslow
%
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
%
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

	-- Mark Twain
%
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
%
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
%
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
the sucker.
%
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
%
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
	Or some joker who is slicker,
	Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
%
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

	-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
%
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

	-- Earl Wilson
%
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

	-- Arthur Kasspe
%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?

	-- Richard M. Nixon
%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?

	-- Richard Nixon
%
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
another party next year.

	-- What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
having another one ...

	-- If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
%
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.

	-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
%
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."

	-- A. L.
%
If you want divine justice, die.

	-- Nick Seldon
%
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.

	-- Dorthy Parker
%
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
titles beginning with the word "National".

	-- George Will
%
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
%
"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
even if they don't know what it means."

	-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
%
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
%
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
tomorrow morning, sleep late.

	-- Henny Youngman
%
If you're happy, you're successful.
%
	If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
	And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
difficult can it be?"
	Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
yourself for far less money. This article can help you.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
%
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.

	-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
%
"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
universe?"
%
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.

	-- Ronald Reagan
%
Ignisecond, n.:
	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
	Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
	Et le m^omerade horgrave.

	-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
Iles's Law:
	There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.
%
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

	-- Jules de Gaultier
%
"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining."

	-- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
%
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?

	-- "Is it PC compatible?"
%
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

	-- Jack Paar
%
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.

	-- Edgar A. Shoaff
%
Impartial, adj.:
	Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
%
Impossible, adj.:
	(1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.

	-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.
%
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
waffles.
%
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
get parts.
%
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
%
In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
syrup.
%
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
%
	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
junior, what are you up to?"
	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
rabbit.
	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
	"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
expression on his face.
	Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
	"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
devour wolves."
	"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
	"Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.

	-- The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
%
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.

	-- Frank Mankiewicz
%
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."

	-- Mark Twain
%
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
%
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.

	-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
of the risks he takes.

	-- Adlai Stevenson
%
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
	-- The Peter Principle
%
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
%
"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."

	-- Stuart Keate
%
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
%
In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
%
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
%
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
make it better.
%
In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
to get her attention.
%
In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
in any motor vehicle.
%
"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."

	-- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
%
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
neighbor.
%
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
%
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
%
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
%
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
will only make it mushy.

	-- Mark Twain
%
In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
pocket.
%
In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
either flying or waiting to board a plane.
%
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
%
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
%
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe."

	-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
%
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
the cares of office.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
%
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
view."
%
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
%
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.

	-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
%
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
%
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.
%
[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...

	-- And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....

	-- So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
rolled back.

	-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
In the beginning was the word.
But by the time the second word was added to it,
there was trouble.
For with it came syntax ...

	-- John Simon
%
In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat
hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am
training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the
net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any
preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you
close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be
empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
%
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
%
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
Dead.

	-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
%
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.

	-- Alan Perlis
%
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
enough to punch you.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the
Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
fact.

	-- Mark Twain
%
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
discotheques.

	-- Art Linkletter
%
In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
my advice.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
%
In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
%
Incumbent, n.:
	Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

	-- Stephen Crane
%
Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
%
Individualists unite!
%
Infancy, n.:
	The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
afterward.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Information Center, n.:
	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
%
Ingrate, n.:
	A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
%
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

	-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
Ink, n.:
	A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Innovation is hard to schedule.

	-- Dan Fylstra
%
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
%
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
%
Interpreter, n.:
	One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
%
	INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

	-- Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

	-- Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

	-- Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
%
Iron Law of Distribution:
	Them that has, gets.
%
"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"

	-- Douglas Hofstadter
%
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
soap bubble?
%
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?

	-- Ralph Emerson
%
Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
%
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?

	-- Kelvin Throop III
%
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
%
Issawi's Laws of Progress:

	-- 	The Course of Progress:
	Most things get steadily worse.

	-- 	The Path of Progress:
	A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
%
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
%
It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
wits, who believe that it is a joke.
%
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
one can learn."

	-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
%
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.

	-- Bertrand Russell
%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?

	-- Alan Perlis
%
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
%
It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
mature human beings ...

	-- Playboy, January 1983
%
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.

	-- Voltaire
%
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

	-- Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...

	-- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The
	  Galaxy"
%
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
coming up it.

	-- Henry Allen
%
It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
One in a million, perhaps.
%
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
%
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
to use either.

	-- Mark Twain
%
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

	-- Rod Serling
%
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."

	-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
focus of attention, the harder the task.

	-- Sydney J. Harris
%
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
%
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
%
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one.
%
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.

	-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
%
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
%
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
a tune.

	-- Woody Allen
%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.
%
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

	-- Woody Allen
%
It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
offense consists in doubting it.

	-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
%
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
%
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

	-- Gore Vidal
%
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
damn thing over and over.

	-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

	-- Elizabeth Carpenter
%
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
pit.
%
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.

	-- Voltaire
%
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
dignity.
%
It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.

	-- Havelock Ellis
%
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
regeneration.

	-- Dijkstra
%
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
%
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the
day, that is the highest of arts.

	-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
%
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
until the other has gone.
%
It is the business of little minds to shrink.

	-- Carl Sandburg
%
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

	-- Hawkwind
%
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
%
It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
future.
%
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
%
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.
%
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
%
"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"

	-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
%
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
flag.
%
It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
municipality.

	-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
%
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."

	-- Robert Benchly
%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
%
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
foot."
%
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
broken ...

	-- James Dent
%
"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime."

	-- Thomas Aldrich
%
	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
icepacks.

	-- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like
the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
%
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
%
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
examples.

	-- Charles Dickens
%
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
two things still safe to eat.

	-- Robert Fuoss
%
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.

	-- Andrew Jackson
%
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
underwear."
%
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
%
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

	-- Steven Wright
%
"It's a summons."
"What's a summons?"
"It means summon's in trouble."

	-- Rocky and Bullwinkle
%
It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.

	-- Churchy La Femme
%
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
%
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."

	-- Andrew W. Mathis
%
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.

	-- Marty Winch
%
"It's easier said than done."

	-- ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".
%
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
%
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
being right.
%
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"

	-- Macy's
%
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
%
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

	-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
%
It's just a jump to the left
	And then a step to the right.
Put your hands on your hips
	And pull your knees in tight.
It's the pelvic thrust
	That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane

	-- 	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

	-- 	-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

	-- Walt Disney
%
"It's Like This"

	-- Even the samurai
have teddy bears,
and even the teddy bears
get drunk.
%
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
direction.
%
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%
It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.

	-- Sam Goldwyn
%
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

	-- George Burns
%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

	-- Phil White
%
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."

	-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
%
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

	-- Alexander Korda
%
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."

	-- Cal Keegan
%
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...
%
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
the ground.

	-- Daniel B. Luten
%
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
happens.

	-- Woody Allen
%
It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.

	-- Garfield
%
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.

	-- Sydney J. Harris
%
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
%
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
%
It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
%
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which
raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
not to.

	-- Franklin P. Jones
%
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
%
	   JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
	 by Mark Isaak

	-- 	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
	So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
	"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
	"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window ...
%
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
%
James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.

	-- Tom Stoppard
%
Jenkinson's Law:
	It won't work.
%
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
%
Job Placement, n.:
	Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
%
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
%
Johnson's First Law:
	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
most inconvenient possible time.
%
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called
"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do
anything loses.
%
Join the march to save individuality!
%
Jone's Law:
	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on.
%
Jone's Motto:
	Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%
Jones's First Law:
	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
original contribution.
%
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
(and nobody cares about it).

	-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
%
Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires
one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise
mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
whole truth.

	-- Stephen R. Schwambach
%
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
changed.

	-- Irene Peter
%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
get a prompt, type like hell.
%
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets"

	-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
%
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"

	-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
%
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
%
`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
	As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
	By a finger entwined in his hair.

	-- 'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
	That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
	What I tell you three times is true.'
%
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat!!!
%
Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!

	-- Michael J. Wagner
%
Justice is incidental to law and order.

	-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
Justice, n.:
	A decision in your favor.
%
K:	Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
	Cobol's wordy and confining;
	KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
	Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.

	-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.
%
Katz' Law:
	Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
%
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
%
Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
	-- Hellman's Mayonnaise
%
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
%
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
%
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
	  straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
	  force is technically termed "car suck").
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
	  than "Watch this!"
%
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now ... try to get something DONE!
%
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
%
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
and parking for the faculty.
%
Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.

	-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
	  Do"
%
Kin, n.:
	An affliction of the blood
%
Kinkler's First Law:
	Responsibility always exceeds authority.

	-- Kinkler's Second Law:
	All the easy problems have been solved.
%
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
%
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.
%
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
%
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
%
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
%
Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
%
Kleptomaniac, n.:
	A rich thief.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
%
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

	-- Henry N. Camp
%
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
	The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Labor, n.:
	One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Lackland's Laws:
	(1) Never be first.
	(2) Never be last.
	(3) Never volunteer for anything
%
Lactomangulation, n.:
	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Ladybug, ladybug,
Look to your stern!
Your house is on fire,
Your children will burn!
So jump ye and sing, for
The very first time
The four lines above
Have been put into rhyme.

	-- Walt Kelly
%
Laetrile is the pits
%
Langsam's Laws:
	(1) Everything depends.
	(2) Nothing is always.
	(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
Larkinson's Law:
	All laws are basically false.
%
Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting
pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
Lassie filed the applications for.

	-- Dave Barry
%
"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"

	-- Steven Wright
%
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
of humor."
%
Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
%
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
%
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
	-- Victor Borge
%
Law of Communications:
	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
misunderstanding.
%
Law of Probable Dispersal:
	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
%
Law of Selective Gravity:
	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

	-- Jenning's Corollary:
	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
%
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
	You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter.
%
Laws of Serendipity:

	-- 	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
	  something.
	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
	  be engaged in making an inferior one.
%
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
%
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
%
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
everything else follows in the same way.

	-- Alan J. Perlis
%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%
Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
fun?
%
Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
	"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
can."
%
Leibowitz's Rule:
	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
%
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
	You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
	pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
	honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
	are thieves.
%
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
	Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
	you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
	fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
	a sick sense of humor.
%
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
%
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
and another number."

	-- James Estes
%
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

	-- You first.
%
Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and
bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
his back."

	-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
%
Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish. You would sue:

	-- * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
in there".

	-- * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
cretin like yourself.

	-- * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
a large cash settlement anyway.

	-- Dave Barry
%
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
It's not his money.

	-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)

	-- Dear Sir,

	-- I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry.

	-- Yours faithfully,
	Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
	Sevenoaks
%
Lewis's Law of Travel:
	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.
%
Liar, n.:
	A lawyer with a roving commission.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

	-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
%
LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
	desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
	polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
%
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
	reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
	Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
	Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
	disease.
%
Lie, n.:
	A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.
%
Lieberman's Law:
	Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
%
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
%
"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
eat it nevertheless."

	-- Flaubert
%
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
%
Life is like a simile.
%
Life is like an analogy
%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
%
"Life is too important to take seriously."

	-- Corky Siegel
%
"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove."
%
"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"

	-- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
%
"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
weren't for other people"

	-- Blore
%
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
%
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."

	-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.

	-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.

	-- Alan McKay
%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
	They usually have virgins,
	And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%
Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
	we should think only about today.
Charlie Brown:
	No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
	better.
%
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

	-- Candice Bergen
%
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
%
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
before.
%
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
%
Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
interest rates, we don't need it."
%
Lobster:
	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to
eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most
ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe
at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot.
Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
too.

	-- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils
	  into Excuses and Apologies"
%
Lockwood's Long Shot:
	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
one in a million, but once would be enough.
%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
%
... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
legally ... impeccable!
%
Logicians have but ill defined
As rational the human kind.
Logic, they say, belongs to man,
But let them prove it if they can.

	-- Oliver Goldsmith
%
Look out! Behind you!
%
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
to pay income taxes, too?

	-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
%
Loose bits sink chips.
%
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
BOOGA!"
%
Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
%
Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
Halstead, Kansas.
%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
%
Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.

	-- Sigmund Freud
%
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

	-- Matt Groening
%
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
the ideal never goes unpunished."

	-- Goethe
%
Love is sentimental measles.
%
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
%
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.

	-- Louise Beal
%
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
to.
%
	Love's Drug

	-- My love is like an iron wand
	That conks me on the head,
My love is like the valium
	That I take before my bed,
My love is like the pint of scotch
	That I drink when I be dry;
And I shall love thee still, my dear,
	Until my wife is wise.
%
Lowery's Law:
	If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
%
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
%
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
	There's always one more bug.
%
Lunatic Asylum, n.:
	The place where optimism most flourishes.
%
Lysistrata had a good idea.
%
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."

	-- Winston Churchill
%
Machine-Independent, adj.:
	Does not run on any existing machine.
%
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
and play games -- but not with pleasure.

	-- Leo Rosten
%
Mad, adj.:
	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

	-- W. C. Fields
%
MAFIA, n:
	[Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
entire nodal aggravations.

	-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism

Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
knowledge.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Magnocartic, adj.:
	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
carts.

	-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
Magpie, n.:
	A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Maier's Law:
	If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
	of.

	-- Corollaries:
	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
	  50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
	  obtain a correspondence with the theory.
%
Main's Law:
	For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
%
Maintainer's Motto:
	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
%
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
	as one man.

	-- Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.

	-- Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Majority, n.:
	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
%
Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
%
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.

	-- System V.2 administrator's guide
%
Malek's Law:
	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%
Man 1:	Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
	joke is.

	-- Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo --

	-- Man 1:	______TIMING!
%
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

	-- Wernher von Braun
%
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

	-- Samuel Butler
%
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

	-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
is an enemy.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Man, n.:
	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,
however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole
habitable earth and Canada.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
Doctor:  "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
	 don't think, right?"

	-- Dr. Who
%
Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
primitive umpire.

	-- What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.

	-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
Manual, n.:
	A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
information you need in in the others.

	-- Ray Simard
%
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...

	-- Walt Kelly
%
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
simple yes or no answer.
%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

	-- Voltaire
%
Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
dancing.

	-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
%
Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

	-- Malcolm Smith
%
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.

	-- R. Drabek
%
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
entirely different.

	-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
play.

	-- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
	  James Blish
%
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
%
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
receipt.
%
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.

	-- Jules Feiffer
%
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
%
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
%
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
%
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
%
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.

	-- R. S. Barton
%
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
it.
%
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
	If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
$19.95.
%
Meader's Law:
	Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
%
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
%
Meeting, n.:
	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
%
Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.

	-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
%
Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
	[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
	 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
	 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
hotshot cells moving up from below.

	-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
	The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
	The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
never hope to acquire it.
%
Menu, n.:
	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
%
Meskimen's Law:
	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
%
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
%
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
%
methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
	The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
	1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.

	-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
%
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
%
Micro Credo:
	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
%
"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
%
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
%
Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
	inconsiderate."

	-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
%
Miksch's Law:
	If a string has one end, then it has another end.
%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
Millihelen, adj:
	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
%
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

	-- Susan Ertz
%
Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
black.

	-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
%
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
dead as a door-nail.
%
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
%
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
%
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
%
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

	-- Russell Baker
%
Misfortune, n.:
	The kind of fortune that never misses.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Miss, n.:
	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
%
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
%
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)

	-- Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water	 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar	 2 tablespoons lemon juice
Grated rind of one lemon	  Butter or margarine
Cinnamon

	-- Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.

	-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
%
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
%
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked
him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
better.
%
Molecule, n.:
	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
atom in that it is an ion ...

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
%
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
%
Monday, n.:
	In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
%
Money is the root of all wealth.
%
Moon, n.:
	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
%
Mophobia, n.:
	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
%
	MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
fight and the match was called by officials.
%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

	-- Woody Allen
%
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
	Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
%
Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
them that it doesn't make any difference.

	-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
	  Teen Should Know"
%
Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
than they do.

	-- Turgenev
%
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

	-- Frank Zappa
%
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

	-- Arnold Bennett
%
Mother is the invention of necessity.
%
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
%
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
%
"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old
Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic
computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
fun to watch.

	-- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
%
Murphy's Discovery:
	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
trouble!
%
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
%
Murphy's Law of Research:
	Enough research will tend to support your theory.
%
"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."

	-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
Esther and hustle them off to prison.
	They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
possible, and turns to Murray.
	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
spits in the sergeants face.
	"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Mustgo, n.:
	Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
long it has become a science project.

	-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on
it."

	-- "Grendel", by John Gardner
%
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
OK.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless
there are three other people."

	-- Orson Welles
%
My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.
%
"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"

	-- MadameX
%
My love runs by like a day in June,
	And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
	In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
	Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
	And I wish somebody'd shoot him.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
	And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
	And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
	As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
	And I wish he were in Asia.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
one.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
%
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
	And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
	And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
	Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
	And I wish I'd never met him.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!
%
"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!"

	-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
My pen is at the bottom of a page,
Which, being finished, here the story ends;
'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
But stories somehow lengthen when begun.

	-- Byron
%
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
signed.

	-- Christopher Morley
%
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
%
Mythology, n.:
	The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

	-- 	-- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
%
Naeser's Law:
	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
%
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
	 says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
	 will be right.

	-- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
%
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone
might steal it."
%
Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time,"
said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the
villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The
remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he
said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of
my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
%
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk
into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"
"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
%
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
light more."
%
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
the recipe?"
%
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
is most likely to be creamed?

	-- Solomon Short
%
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

	-- It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
%
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

	-- Fran Leibowitz
%
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Necessity is a mother.
%
Neckties strangle clear thinking.

	-- Lin Yutang
%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
%
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
%
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
%
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
%
Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
have windows.
%
Never eat more than you can lift.

	-- Miss Piggy
%
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
%
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
%
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

	-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
%
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
%
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
substance.

	-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
%
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
law against it by that time.
%
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
%
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
%
Never try to outstubborn a cat.

	-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.

	-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
%
"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
%
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
supposed to do.

	-- R. A. Heinlein
%
New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
%
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
%
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
%
New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.

	-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
%
New systems generate new problems.
%
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
his wife most often reminds him to act it.

	-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
%
New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
%
New York's got the ways and means;
Just won't let you be.

	-- The Grateful Dead
%
Newlan's Truism:
	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
%
NEWS FLASH!!
	Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
	German pole-vault champion.
%
	*** NEWSFLASH ***
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
%
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
%
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
%
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
%
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
as an income tax refund.

	-- F. J. Raymond
%
"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."

	-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
%
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
%
Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;

	-- One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.
%
Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
	And tapes without any tracks;
Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
	And tapes mixed up on the racks --
	Take hold of the tape
	And pull off the strip,
	And then you'll be sure
	Your tape drive will skip.

	-- 	-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
%
"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
that much."

	-- Augustine
%
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
%
"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends
hang out.

	-- Zonker Harris
%
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.

	-- Fran Lebowitz
%
No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
effectively under such difficult conditions.

	-- Laurence J. Peter
%
No good deed goes unpunished.

	-- Clare Boothe Luce
%
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
eating one peanut.

	-- Channing Pollock
%
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
%
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
seriously cramp his style.
%
No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
%
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

	-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
%
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
the author.

	-- Chris Shaw
%
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
CHORUS:
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
	(chorus)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
	(chorus)
%
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
%
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
%
"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
an indication-applied occurrence."

	-- ALGOL 68 Report
%
"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
paper."

	-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
	  taken over by Rupert Murdoch
%
	No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
the furniture!

	-- Sherlock Holmes
%
"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"

	-- Dr. Who
%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
it.

	-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
%
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
%
Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
and rob the old.

	-- Lewis Lapham
%
Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
%
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
	Negative expectations yield negative results.
	Positive expectations yield negative results.
%
Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
%
Noncombatant, n.:
	A dead Quaker.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
%
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."

	-- Shakespeare
%
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
is from the wrong kind of tree."

	-- Professor W.
%
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
careful not to make any poultry jokes ...

	-- Woody Allen
%
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
%
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
%
Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...

	-- To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
light comes on.
%
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

	-- Andrew Young
%
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

	-- Nero Wolfe
%
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
Conscience makes egotists of us all.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Nothing recedes like success.

	-- Walter Winchell
%
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
love.

	-- Charlie Brown
%
November, n.:
	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
%
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
%
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."

	-- Walt Kelly
%
Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
the following questions:

	-- (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
food?
(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living
right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
longer.)

	-- That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
%
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."

	-- "The Begatting of a President"
%
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
smurfette."

	-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
%
... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
quickly.

	-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
	Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
	Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
	This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
direct sunlight.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."

	-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
normal routines, for children and adults alike."

	-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
%
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."

	-- Ted Turner
%
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.

	-- Edwin Meese III
%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
%
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
guessing.
%
O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
%
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
	Murphy was an optimist.
%
"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
fake?"
%
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
amount of hot air.

	-- Thomas L. Martin
%
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

	-- Plato
%
Of all the words of witch's doom
There's none so bad as which and whom.
The man who kills both which and whom
Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.

	-- Fletcher Knebel
%
"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."

	-- Crazy Nigel
%
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
%
Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
blazer.
%
Office Automation, n.:
	The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
you would want to talk with over coffee.
%
Ogden's Law:
	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
up.
%
Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
%
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
	When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
	With nothing whatever to grumble at!
%
Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
	I muck with indices and structs all day
And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
	Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
%
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.

	-- Lichty & Wagner
%
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of --
Wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence.
Hovering there
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up along delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

	-- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
%
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
%
Oh, when I was in love with you,
	Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
	How well did I behave.

	-- And now the fancy passes by,
	And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
	Am quite myself again.

	-- A. E. Housman
%
Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
%
"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."

	-- Dr. Joy
%
OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
%
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.

	-- Trotsky
%
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
%
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
%
Oliver's Law:
	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
%
Omnibiblious, adj.:
	Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything.
I'm omnibiblious."
%
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
%
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:

	-- "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."

	-- Wolfgang Pauli
%
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
what it does.

	-- Will Rogers
%
	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
	"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
%
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.

	-- Avery
%
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.

	-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
POINT ...
%
On the subject of C program indentation:

	-- 	"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
	indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."

	-- Blair P. Houghton
%
"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."

	-- Charles Babbage
%
On-line, adj.:
	The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
%
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

	-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
%
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
choice.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

	-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
principals or your mistress".
%
Once Law was sitting on the bench
	And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
	Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."

	-- Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
	"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
	"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
sky.

	-- Rainer Rilke
%
	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
shall die of boredom."
	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
adventure.
	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
%
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
the smaller prime numbers.

	-- 2: The Odd Prime --
	It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
3: The True Prime --
	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
	Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
	in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
	received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
	next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
	at all.

Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
%
... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.

	-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Once, adv.:
	Enough.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
somebody's listening.

	-- Franklin P. Jones
%
"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."

	-- Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.

	-- Chuq Von Rospach
%
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
%
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.

	-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The
captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth
-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin,
"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if
I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
%
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
%
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
%
One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.

	-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
%
One learns to itch where one can scratch.

	-- Ernest Bramah
%
One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
many ...

	-- Anthony Chevins
%
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
%
One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
I'll tell you."
%
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
%
One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at
least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts
are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but
when He's good, nobody can touch Him.

	-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
%
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.

	-- Will Durant
%
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs."

	-- Robert Firth
%
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
retail."

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
	With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
is that it's all there.

	-- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
%
One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
%
The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
	Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
other ways.
%
The First Commandment for Technicians:
	Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
untechnician-like manner.
%
One Page Principle:
	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.

	-- Mark Ardis
%
"One planet is all you get."
%
One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
already too large to fit on normal aircraft.

	-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
%
One reason why George Washington
Is held in such veneration:
He never blamed his problems
On the former Administration.

	-- George O. Ludcke
%
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
%
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.
%
"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
sheer terror."

	-- W. K. Hartmann
%
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
new model.
%
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
%
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
at the stake while the votes were being counted.

	-- Thomas B. Reed
%
One-Shot Case Study, n.:
	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
green.
%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%
Only God can make random selections.
%
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
use the editorial "we."
%
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Oregano, n.:
	The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
%
Oregon, n.:
	Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
night.
%
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.

	-- Mike Adams
%
Osborn's Law:
	Variables won't; constants aren't.
%
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.
%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
%
Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop.

He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"

Her reply:

	"He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it means
	to be a programmer."
%
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
	Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
	In kernel as it is in user!
%
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

	-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
%
... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.

	-- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
%
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."

	-- Alex Schure
%
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."

	-- Alex Schure
%
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.

	-- General Omar N. Bradley
%
	OUTCONERR
Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
	Did logzerneg the ifthen block
All kludgy were the function flows
	And subroutines adhoc.

	-- Beware the runtime-bug my friend
	squrooneg, the false goto
Beware the infiniteloop
	And shun the inprectoo.
%
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
it's too dark to read."

	-- Groucho Marx
%
Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
%
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
%
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
%
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
%
Ozman's Laws:
	(1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
	  won't.
	(2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
	  make.
	(3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
	(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
%
Painting, n.:
	The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
exposing them to the critic.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
panic: can't find /
%
panic: kernel trap (ignored)
%
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
better.

	-- Laurie Anderson
%
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
%
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
%
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
%
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

	-- D. J. Hicks
%
Pardo's First Postulate:
	Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
fattening.

	-- Arnold's Addendum:
	Everything else causes cancer in rats.
%
Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
%
Parker's Law:
	Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
%
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
	If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
%
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
	The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
%
Parsley
	 is gharsley.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
%
"Pascal is not a high-level language."

	-- Steven Feiner
%
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."

	-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
%
Pascal Users:
	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
%
Pascal, n.:
	A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
%
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.

	-- Eric Hoffer
%
Patageometry, n.:
	The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
under brain transplants.
%
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
%
Paul's Law:
	In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
save.
%
Paul's Law:
	You can't fall off the floor.
%
Peace, n.:
	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Peanut Blossoms

	-- 4 cups sugar	  16 tbsp. milk
4 cups brown sugar   4 tsp. vanilla
4 cups shortening   14 cups flour
8 eggs	4 tsp. soda
4 cups peanut butter  4 tsp. salt

	-- Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
hell of a lot.
%
Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
	Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
it.
%
Pedaeration, n.:
	The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Penguin Trivia #46:
	Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.

	-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%
People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.

	-- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
the future.
%
"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."

	-- Ken Kesey
%
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
%
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
press than people who are just funny and smart.

	-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
%
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
slept in a room with a single mosquito.
%
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%
People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.
%
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."

	-- Aelius Donatus
%
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
%
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
when there is no longer anything to take away.

	-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
%
Peter's Law of Substitution:
	Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
%
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersey.
%
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
%
Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

	-- John Keats
%
Pick another fortune cookie.
%
"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
%
Pig, n.:
	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack
confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
things to small animals.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
probably get run over by a bus.
%
	Pittsburgh Driver's Test

	-- (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
but a steady left tail light. This means

	-- 	(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
	  to call the problem to the driver's attention.
	(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
	(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
	(d) the driver is from out of town.

	-- The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.
%
	Pittsburgh Driver's Test

	-- (8) Pedestrians are

	-- 	(a) irrelevant.
	(b) communists.
	(c) a nuisance.
	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

	-- The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
%
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

	-- Don Marquis
%
PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
solution set.

	-- E. W. Dijkstra
%
"Plaese porrf raed."

	-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
%
Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
couldn't compete successfully with poets.

	-- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
	  Shell"
%
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
them.
%
Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
table.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
Please ignore previous fortune.
%
Please take note:
%
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched
out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
and such.

	-- N. Meyrowitz
%
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
%
	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
plumbing works.
	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
kill you.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)

	-- Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
%
Pohl's law:
	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
%
Police:	Good evening, are you the host?
Host:	No.
Police:	We've been getting complaints about this party.
Host:	About the drugs?
Police:	No.
Host:	About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
Police:	No, the noise.
Host:	Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
	or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
	background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
	The neighbors?
Police:	No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
	complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
	ask the host to quiet things down?
Host:	No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
	religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
	room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
	lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
	onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
	down.
%
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
%
Politician, n.:
	An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Politician, n.:
	From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
"polytetien", a person of two or more faces.

	-- Martin Pitt
%
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.

	-- Nikita Khrushchev
%
Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
%
Polymer physicists are into chains.
%
Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
laughter, singing
	Half a pound of tuppenny rice
	Half a pound of treacle
	That's the way the chimney smokes
	Pope Goestheveezl
The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Portable, adj.:
	Survives system reboot.
%
Positive, adj.:
	Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat"

	-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
%
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%
Power, n:
	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
%
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
more time for dreaming.

	-- J. P. McEvoy
%
Predestination was doomed from the start.
%
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
%
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.

	-- The Washington Post
%
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
%
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
	It's on the other side.
%
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
to see him work.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
%
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.

	-- Frederick Winsor
%
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.

	-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
	  Teen Should Know"
%
Prof:  So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
	 encryption standard and they came up with ...
Student: EBCDIC!"
%
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on
his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
%
Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.

	-- This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction
techniques are very popular, even the military used them.

	-- SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.

	-- 	We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We
can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
about _n.
	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
%
Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
	SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
legs for a horse.
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.

	-- Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
	Intimidation
	Gesticulation (handwaving)
	"Try it; it works"
	Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
	Blatant assertion
	Changing all the 2's to _n's
	Mutual consent
	Lack of a counterexample, and
	"It stands to reason"
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

	-- BBW	Branch Both Ways
BEW	Branch Either Way
BBBF	Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BH	Branch and Hang
BMR	Branch Multiple Registers
BOB	Branch On Bug
BPO	Branch on Power Off
BST	Backspace and Stretch Tape
CDS	Condense and Destroy System
CLBR	Clobber Register
CLBRI	Clobber Register Immediately
CM	Circulate Memory
CMFRM	Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
CPPR	Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRN	Convert to Roman Numerals
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

	-- DC	Divide and Conquer
DMPK	Destroy Memory Protect Key
DO	Divide and Overflow
EMPC	Emulate Pocket Calculator
EPI	Execute Programmer Immediately
EROS	Erase Read Only Storage
EXCE	Execute Customer Engineer
HCF	Halt and Catch Fire
IBP	Insert Bug and Proceed
INSQSW	Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
PBC	Print and Break Chain
PDSK	Punch Disk
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

	-- PI	Punch Invalid
POPI	Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card
RASC	Read And Shred Card
RPM	Read Programmers Mind
RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
RTAB	Rewind tape and break
RWDSK	rewind disk
RWOC	Read Writing On Card
SCRBL	scribble to disk - faster than a write
SLC	Search for Lost Chord
SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM	Store in Read Only Memory
TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT	Water Binary Tree
%
"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together."
%
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
%
Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

	-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
%
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
%
Put no trust in cryptic comments.
%
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!

	-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
%
Putt's Law:
	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
	Those who understand what they do not manage.
	Those who manage what they do not understand.
%
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.
%
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
%
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
%
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

	-- Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
brought with them.

	-- Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
%
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
%
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
%
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
%
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
%
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
%
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
%
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
to the earlier joke.
%
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
%
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
of the way.
%
Q: What's a light-year?
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
%
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
%
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.

	-- Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
%
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
%
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
should I do?

	-- A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
somebody else has made the correction.

	-- And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
to inform the whole net right away!

	-- 	-- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
	  on Netiquette"
%
Quality Control, n.:
	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
%
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
%
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
%
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
%
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.

	-- (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
%
Quigley's Law:
	Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
atttempt to use it.
%
QUOTE OF THE DAY:

	-- 	 `

	--
%
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
%
QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
	1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.

	-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%
Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all
the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are
they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current
rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be
impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying
goes, giving away the store?

	-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
%
Ray's Rule of Precision:
	Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
%
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
with pictures.
%
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
%
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
machines are so poor at I/O.
%
Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.
%
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
%
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker
with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
applications.)
%
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
%
Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
clear desks.
%
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
quiche.
%
Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
%
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
much good it did them.
%
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
%
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC after reaching puberty.
%
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
wear white socks.
%
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
%
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
%
Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
%
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
%
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal
computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
Correctness Verification Aid packages.
%
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
using an undocumented external procedure.
%
Real Time, adj.:
	Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
and then.
%
Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
afraid to break your face.
%
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
down the system for days.
%
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
%
Real Users know your home telephone number.
%
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
program doesn't deliver it.
%
Real Users never use the Help key.
%
Real World, The n.:
	1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
deceased person.
%
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
%
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
%
Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?

	-- Patrick Sky
%
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
%
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
%
Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

	-- Alvy Ray Smith
%
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
away".

	-- Philip K. Dick
%
"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
%
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

	-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
recessions.
%
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
%
	"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
starfield surrounding the ship.

"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they
are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been
intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."

	-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
%
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
	If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
%
Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

	-- Anatole France
%
"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
it."

	-- Dave Barry
%
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.

	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
offense!
%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.

	-- Dave Butler
%
Renning's Maxim:
	Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
%
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
	Civilization?
Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.
%
Reporter, n.:
	A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
tempest of words.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?

SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
can't help it.

	-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

	-- Wernher von Braun
%
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
%
Review Questions

	-- (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?

	-- (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?

	-- (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
%
Rhode's Law:
	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
%
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

	-- Steven Wright
%
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
	reject the proposal.
%
Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.

	-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
	  Pogo"
%
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
	door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
%
Rudin's Law:
	If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
every time.
%
Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
	Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
shall be deemed to be a cat.
%
Rule of Creative Research:
	(1) Never draw what you can copy.
	(2) Never copy what you can trace.
	(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
%
Rule of Defactualization:
	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
%
Rule of Feline Frustration:
	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
%
Rule of the Great:
	When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
%
Rules for Academic Deans:
	(1) HIDE!!!!
	(2) If they find you, LIE!!!!

	-- Father Damian C. Fandal
%
Rules for driving in New York:
	(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
	(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
	  on.
	(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
	  intersection.
%
RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
	(1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
	(2) Never leave the table hungry.
	(3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
	(4) Enjoy your food.
	(5) Enjoy your companion's food.
	(6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
	   accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
	(7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
	   for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
	   brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
	(8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
	(9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
	   can always eat it later.
	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
	(11) Avoid blue food.

	-- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
%
Rules:
	(1) The boss is always right.
	(2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
%
	Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
	 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.

	-- (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
ants.
(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
(6) People ignore you at parties.
(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
%
	Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
 bomb; use the stairs.
(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
 the ground.
(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
 psychological problems.
(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
 staggering illegally.
(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
 sanitary due to limited circulation.
(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
 D-Day.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
	You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
	of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
	laugh at you a great deal.
%
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

	-- Herb Caen
%
San Francisco, n.:
	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
%
Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.

	-- Mark Harrold
%
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
	He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
	Must be a pacifist.

	-- 	What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

	-- Arlo Guthrie
%
Satellite Safety Tip #14:
	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
%
Sattinger's Law:
	It works better if you plug it in.
%
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
	Is like being nowhere at all,
All through the day how the hours rush by,
	You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.

	-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
%
Sauron is alive in Argentina!
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
%
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
%
"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.

	-- Steven Wright
%
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!

	-- Ken Thompson
%
Schapiro's Explanation:
	The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
because they use more manure.
%
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%
Schlattwhapper, n.:
	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Schnuffel, n.:
	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
mixed company.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Schwiggle, n.:
	The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
pencil.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
is not necessarily science.

	-- Henri Poincair'e
%
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
%
Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.

	-- William Buckley

%
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
	achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
	ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
%
Scott's first Law:
	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
%
Scott's second Law:
	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
to have been wrong in the first place.

	-- Corollary:
	After the correction has been found in error, it will be
impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
%
Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it!
Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock?
Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
Kirk:	Then it's of external origin?
Spock:	Affirmative.
Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
%
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
%
Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
Presidency.

	-- Richard Nixon
%
Second Law of Business Meetings:
	If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
will pick the wrong one.

	-- Corollary:
	If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
wrong, anyway.
%
"Section 2.4.3.5  AWNS  (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
	In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
multiline message byte.
	In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
must be sent passive true.
	The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
	(1) The ANRS if DAV is false
	(2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
	(a) The LADS is active
	(b) Nor LACS is active"

	-- 	-- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
	  Programmable Instrumentation
%
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
%
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
%
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
	Ice Cream cures all ills.
%
Self Test for Paranoia:
	You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
your own fault.
%
Seminars, n.:
	From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
Sen. Danforth:	"There is nothing on the face of the album which would
				notify you if the record has pornographics material or
				material glorifying violence?"

Tipper Gore:	"No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."

Frank Zappa:	"I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
				legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
				not for little Johnny."

	-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
	  lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
%
Senate, n.:
	A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
misdemeanors.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Serenity through viciousness.
%
Serocki's Stricture:
	Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%
	"Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
	"I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
	"Too proud?" the other enquired.
	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
she said, "that one can't help growing older."
	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."

	-- Lewis Carroll
%
Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
like crabgrass all over the United States.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
%
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

	-- Swami X
%
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.

	-- M. C. Reed.
%
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.

	-- Woody Allen
%
Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
	A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
	A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
	A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
	The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
he's nobody!"

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

	-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
	  Teen Should Know"
%
Shaw's Principle:
	Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
%
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."

	-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

	-- Mark Twain
%
She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
were bad.
%
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle ...
%
"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
you should hear me play piano.'"

	-- Morrisey
%
She's genuinely bogus.
%
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."

	-- Samuel Johnson
%
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
%
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
%
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
%
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.

	-- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
%
Silverman's Law:
	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
%
Simon's Law:
	Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
%
Since I hurt my pendulum
My life is all erratic.
My parrot, who was cordial,
Is now transmitting static.
The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
The cat keeps doing poo.
The only thing that keeps me sane
Is talking to my shoe.

	-- My Shoe
%
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
alive.

	-- John Sloan
%
Since we're all here, we must not be all there.

	-- Bob "Mountain" Beck
%
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
vices I admire.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally
examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published
Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry
comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
%
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
have gotten.
%
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
%
Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I
neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a
tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they
were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a
testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
chains.

	-- Frederick Douglass
%
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
	(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
	  check.
	(2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
	(3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
	  attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
	  attracted to dark objects.
%
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
%
Slurm, n.:
	The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
it sits in the dish too long.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

	-- Fletcher Knebel
%
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

	-- Fletcher Knebel
%
Snacktrek, n.:
	The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
materialized.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
array of 8-millimeter video equipment.

	-- ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.

	-- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
	  Revolution"
%
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
praise of intelligence.

	-- Bertrand Russell
%
... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.

	-- Voltarine de Cleyre
%
	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
	Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."

	-- Samuel Foote
%
... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
along.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
remember his Bible?
%
Sodd's Second Law:
	Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
bound to occur.
%
Software, n.:
	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
%
Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
%
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.

	-- Ed Howe
%
Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
and go to a mall.

	-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

	-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
%
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
them on the head.
%
Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
%
Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
worse.

	-- Avery
%
Some points to remember [about animals]:

	-- (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
hippopotamuses;
(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
front of your clothes;
(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
you have just kicked.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
progress.
%
Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
progress.

	-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
%
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
%
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
%
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
we not God's Machineries of Joy?"

	-- "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."

	-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
%
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
%
Song Title of the Week:
	"They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
in me."
%
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
paid may disregard this fortune).
%
Sorry, no fortune this time.
%
Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
%
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.

	-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
	If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
back at him.
%
Speak roughly to your little boy,
	And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
	Because he knows it teases.

	-- 	Wow! wow! wow!

	-- I speak severely to my boy,
	And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
	The pepper when he pleases!

	-- 	Wow! wow! wow!

	-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
	And boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
	Because the paging thrashes!

	-- 	Wow! Wow! Wow!

	-- I speak severely to my VAX,
	And boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
	My jobs it always thrashes!

	-- 	Wow! Wow! Wow!
%
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
%
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.

	-- Dave Millman
%
Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
%
Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:

	-- 	With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
	He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
	And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
	As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
	Helpless users with projects due
	Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!

	-- 	Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
	Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"

	-- * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.

	-- Curtis Jackson
%
Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
he can do is to Shut Up!

	-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
%
"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
%
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
	The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
number of times you have looked at it.
%
Spelling is a lossed art.
%
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
%
Spirtle, n.:
	The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
your eye.

	-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
Spouse, n.:
	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
%
"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the
greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll
take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"

	-- Harlan Ellison
%
Stay away from flying saucers today.
%
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
%
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
%
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
	Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
%
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
	Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
%
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
%
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
take a bath ...
%
Stult's Report:
	Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
fight the solutions.
%
Stupid, n.:
	Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
%
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
%
Sturgeon's Law:
	90% of everything is crud.
%
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
before it is understood.
%
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
%
Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
without his duck ...
%
(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)

	-- 	To code the impossible code,
	To bring up a virgin machine,
	To pop out of endless recursion,
	To grok what appears on the screen,

	-- 	To right the unrightable bug,
	To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
	To mount the unmountable magtape,
	To stop the unstoppable crash!
%
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
%
Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
%
Support your local police force -- steal!!
%
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
%
Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
%
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
%
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
%
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:

	-- Name	#
%
Swahili, n.:
	The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
retractions.

	-- Johnny Hart
%
Sweater, n.:
	A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
%
Swipple's Rule of Order:
	He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
%
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.

	-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
System/3! System/3!
See how it runs! See how it runs!
	Its monitor loses so totally!
	It runs all its programs in RPG!
	It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
%
Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.

	-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
 _
_ / \	  o
/ \ | |	o	  o	 o
| | | |  _	o  o	o	o
| \_| | / \	   o	  o	 o
\__ | | |	 o	   o
 | | | |	 ______	 ~~~~	  _____
 | |__/ |	/ ___--\\ ~~~	 __/_____\__
 |	___/	   / \--\\ \\  \ ___	<__ x x __\
 | |	   / /\\ \\	   ))	 \	  ( "	 )
 | |   -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
 | |  //	  | | //__________ /	  \	____)	(___	 \\
 | | //	 __|_|	 ( --------- )	  //// ______ /////\	  \\
	 //	 |  ( \ ______ /	  <<<< <>-----<<<<< /	  \\
	//	 (   )	   / /	 \` \__   \\
	//-------------------------------------------------------------\\

	-- Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.

	-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
T:	One big monster, he called TROLL.
	He don't rock, and he don't roll;
	Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
	He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.

	-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
hole in his head.
%
Tact, n.:
	The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
%
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
%
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese
	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
%
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.

	-- Kipling
%
Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit
back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
no need to improve ...

	-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
and they'll call you crazy.

	-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
%
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

	-- Euripides
%
Talkers are no good doers.

	-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

	-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
	You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
	determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
	stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
%
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."

	-- Russell Long
%
Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
out of the market.
%
Taxes, n.:
	Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
an extension.
%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
%
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
%
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
for going backwards.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
Telephone, n.:
	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
Is those things arms, or is they legs?
I marvel at thee, Octopus;
If I were thou, I'd call me us.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.

	-- R. Geis
%
"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."

	-- A. E. Housman
%
"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."

	-- Len Cool, "American Pie"
%
Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
fact, for he merely said:

	-- 	"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
	it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
	because it is impossible."

	-- Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.

	-- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types

	-- (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%
Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
%
"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."

	-- J. Finnegan, USC.
%
Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.

	-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
%
"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"

	-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
%
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
%
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
%
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
people who want some.

	-- Dwight MacDonald
%
The Abrams' Principle:
	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
%
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
	-- Thomas Jefferson
%
The Advertising Agency Song:

	When your client's hopping mad,
	Put his picture in the ad.
	If he still should prove refractory,
	Add a picture of his factory.
%
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
someone with it."

	-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
%
... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
Rock.
%
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.

	-- T. Lehrer
%
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

	-- Bill Murray
%
The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
Declaration not for that, but for future use.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
%
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
anything."

	-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
%
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
lots.

	-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."

	-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
%
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
%
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

	-- W. C. Fields
%
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
%
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
%
"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only
one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what
wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a
lot of things there are to learn."

	-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
%
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
is a match.

	-- Will Rogers
%
The bigger the theory the better.
%
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
time.

	-- Merrick Furst
%
The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.

	-- It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been
known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
%
"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
%
The bogosity meter just pegged.
%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
%
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
convert to the next higher units.
%
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

	-- Art Buchwald
%
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
bureaucracy.
%
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
%
The camel has a single hump;
The dromedary two;
Or else the other way around.
I'm never sure. Are you?

	-- Ogden Nash
%
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

	-- G. Fitch
%
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
%
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
%
The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.

	-- Alfred Adler
%
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
walk carefully.

	-- Russian Proverb
%
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
%
"The Computer made me do it."
%
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.

	-- Alan Perlis
%
The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
memos.

	-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%
The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
every bird watcher in the country.

	-- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
%
The Consultant's Curse:
	When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
medicine, and is normally only required once.
%
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.

	-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
%
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
down.
%
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.

	-- John McNulty
%
The Crown is full of it!

	-- Nate Harris, 1775
%
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war,
then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.

	-- William Ellery Channing
%
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
%
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
%
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
%
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
%
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity."

	-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
scholarship.

	-- Robert Heinlein
%
The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:

	-- 	"I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
	"Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
Jews won't go near them ..."

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
%
The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
really clever who has not found that he is stupid.

	-- Gilbert K. Chesterson
%
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show
off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
duck and returned it to his master.
	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
swim."
%
The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
and owns the worm farm.

	-- Travis McGee
%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
%
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
add ten percent.
%
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
weather forecasters.

	-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
%
"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
Compute' -- I forget which."

	-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
civilization.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
symposium to follow.
%
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
their children to speak it.

	-- G. B. Shaw
%
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
remarkable Christian forbearance among men.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
The fact that it works is immaterial.

	-- L. Ogborn
%
The faster we go, the rounder we get.

	-- The Grateful Dead
%
The Fifth Rule:
	You have taken yourself too seriously.
%
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

	-- Abbie Hoffman
%
The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.

	-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
management is that success equals skill.

	-- Robert Heller
%
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
child, was propounded to me by my father:
	"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
whistles?"
	I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
	"A herring," said my father.
	"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
	"So hang it there."
	"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
	"Paint it."
	"But a herring isn't wet."
	"If its just painted its still wet."
	"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
	"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
hard."

	-- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
%
"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."

	-- McCloctnik the Lucid
%
The First Rule of Program Optimization:
	Don't do it.

	-- The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
	Don't do it yet.

	-- Michael Jackson
%
The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
The second, a trick.
Later, it's a well-established technique!

	-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
%
The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:

	-- As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
	. . .
Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
of the hyper-cube.
%
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
%
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
vinyl."

	-- Dave Barry
%
The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
number of your kids by 32 teeth.
%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
chance.
%
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
%
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
%
The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
today.
%
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
%
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature
is to build better mice.
%
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
love and he invented marriage.
%
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
	The one who has the gold makes the rules.
%
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
man in the bonds of Hell."

	-- St. Augustine
%
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
%
	"The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")

	-- On the good ship Enterprise
Every week there's a new surprise
Where the Romulans lurk
And the Klingons often go berserk.

	-- Yes, the good ship Enterprise
There's excitement anywhere it flies
Where Tribbles play
And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.

	-- 	See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
	Mr. Spock is at his side.
	The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
	It gets fried, scattered far and wide.

	-- It's the good ship Enterprise
Heading out where danger lies
And you live in dread
If you're wearing a shirt that's red.

	-- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
%
The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
down anything he damn well pleases.

	-- Sir Josiah Stamp
%
The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.

	-- Benjamin Franklin.
%
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
	The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
Hedgehog Eater.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

	-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
%
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary,
nohow.
%
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
%
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
thinkers.
%
The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
least 5000 years old."
%
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".

	-- H. Allen Smith
%
"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
has gills through which it can see."

	-- Monty Python
%
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
%
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein -- it rejects it.

	-- P. Medawar
%
The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

	-- Mark Twain
%
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.

	-- Mark Twain
%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.

	-- Ashley Montagu
%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.

	-- Ashley Montague
%
The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"

	-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
%
"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."

	-- Franco Spisani
%
"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
longer."

	-- Henry Kissinger
%
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

	-- Will Rogers
%
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.

	-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
%
The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
number of participants.

	-- Adam Walinsky
%
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
%
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...

	-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
The Kennedy Constant:
	Don't get mad -- get even.
%
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
%
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints ...
So far, I've had no complaints.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a
word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about
drugs.'
	-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%
The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
law free.

	-- Henry David Thoreau
%
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.

	-- Anatole France
%
"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all
men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the
universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
presently imagine we own."

	-- H.G. Wells
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE

Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they
just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
parties.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH

FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE

Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
ours."

The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
exist.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.

Here is a sample program:
	LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
	IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
	  VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
	FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
	DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
	BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
	SURE
	LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
	REALLY
	LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
	IM*SURE
	GOTO THE MALL

When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:

GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
message:
	"i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
	you find the time to try it again?"
%
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
%
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
%
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep.

	-- Woody Allen
%
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

	-- Henry Kissinger
%
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."

	-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
The makers may make
and the users may use,
but the fixers must fix
with but minimal clues
%
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
one has ever been.

	-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
%
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

	-- Mark Twain.
%
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
%
"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."

	-- Dave Barry
%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%
	The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."

	-- 	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"

	-- 	"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
%
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.

	-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
%
The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples
Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality
of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
power.

	-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
	  Thinking."
%
The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.

	-- Laurence J. Peter
%
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

	-- Nicol Williamson
%
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
%
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
%
"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
lower the mailing cost."

	-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
robbers there will be.

	-- Lao Tsu
%
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
%
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
is right.
%
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

	-- Andy Warhol
%
"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."

	-- Theodore H. White
%
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."

	-- Isaac Asimov
%
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
%
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
%
	"... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
feel interested.
	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
Aged Man.'"
	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
Alice corrected herself.
	"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
completely bewildered.
	"I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."

	-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."

	-- D. Letterman
%
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
	Support your right to bare arms!
%
The net of law is spread so wide,
No sinner from its sweep may hide.
Its meshes are so fine and strong,
They take in every child of wrong.
O wondrous web of mystery!
Big fish alone escape from thee!

	-- James Jeffrey Roche
%
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
hope I don't get run over again.
%
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.

	-- 	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
	whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.

	-- Matthew 5:37
%
"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
and running the country ..."

	-- Robert J Woodhead
%
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
choose from.

	-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
%
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
80-column card.

	-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%
The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
function is to serve as checks upon the state.

	-- Alan Barth
%
The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
correct.

	-- Ralph Hartley
%
The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
these problems when called upon.

	-- However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
%
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
Planning."
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
catch his own breath.

	-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
%
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
to cringe.
%
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
`social sciences' is: some do, some don't.

	-- Ernest Rutherford
%
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
and take a rest.
%
"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."

	-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
	  Over and Over"
%
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
%
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
finished, and put inside boxes.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
use to oneself.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
history."

	-- Hegel

	-- "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
long view."

	-- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
%
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
until 5 or 6 p.m.
%
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

	-- Bohr
%
The optimum committee has no members.

	-- Norman Augustine
%
The optimum committee has no members.

	-- Norman Augustine
%
"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
went back in time."

	-- Steven Wright
%
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.

	-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
%
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
	The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
apparatus for a spectator sport.

	-- 	The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
castrating pigs during Sunday service.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.

	-- Dizzy Dean
%
The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

	-- David Lardner
%
The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it
is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
social function of expressing true distaste.

	-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
	  Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
%
"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
often."
%
The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
	Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
	Do I want one? God Forbiddie!

	-- Ogden Nash
%
The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.

	-- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
%
The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
they might force their beliefs on us.

	-- Mario Cuomo
%
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
marker.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

	-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
%
The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
voters to win the next election.
%
The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
represents the secondary theme:

	-- 	Law Enforcement Officials

	-- The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:

	-- 	Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
%
... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
charity we can only call "inhuman."

	-- R. A. Lafferty
%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
%
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
developed cancer.

	-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
to erase it.

	-- Glaser and Way
%
The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
results.

	-- The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get results.

	-- The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
problems in order to get results.
%
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

	-- Elizabeth Taylor
%
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
%
The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once
tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
"The pyramid is opening!"
"Which one?"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"

	-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
	  Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
%
The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
	"My brain is paged out to my liver"
%
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
industrial waste?

	-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
The rain it raineth on the just
	And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
	The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
%
The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
cursed.
%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
%
The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.

	-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The revolution will not be televised.
%
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

	-- Emerson
%
The rhino is a homely beast,
For human eyes he's not a feast.
Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
I'll stare at something less prepoceros.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This
means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
%
"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
and to his imagination for his facts."

	-- Sheridan
%
The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.

	-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%
"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
you have and what rights you have not got."

	-- J. Parnell Thomas
%
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
sloppy analysis!
%
The Roman Rule
	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
	one who is doing it.
%
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
take it too seriously.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.

	-- Jane Bryant Quinn
%
"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
%
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:

	-- 	(1) They all had moderate appetites.
	(2) They all came from middle class homes
	(3) All but two of them were dead.
%
The scum also rises.

	-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
%
The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
milestones are lifted.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.

	-- 	"Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."

	-- 	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.

	-- 	Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."

	-- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
%
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

	-- Noelie Alito
%
The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
	The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
in a direction you did not want.  (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
way.)
	-- Dan Roddick
%
"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
%
"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
money."

	-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
%
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
%
The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
able to correct them.

	-- Nicolaides
%
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
%
The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
the Russians.

	-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
%
	The STAR WARS Song
	Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:

	-- I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
	S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

	-- Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
%
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
%
The steady state of disks is full.

	-- Ken Thompson
%
	   THE STORY OF CREATION
	or
	 THE MYTH OF URK

	-- In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
and there was morning, one interrupt ...

	-- Rico Tudor
%
The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
them unsafe.

	-- Mayor Frank Rizzo
%
"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
is an emerging underachiever."
%
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
biology.
%
"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
even any property taxes."

	-- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
%
The sum of the Universe is zero.
%
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

	-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
The superfluous is very necessary.

	-- Voltaire
%
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

	-- Mark Twain
%
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

	-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
%
The Third Law of Photography:
	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
leaks out.
%
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:

	-- The First Law:	You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:	The most you can accomplish by working is to break
	even.
The Third Law:	You can only break even at absolute zero.
%
	The Three Major Kind of Tools

	-- * Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
bludgeons, and truncheons.)

	-- * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)

	-- * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
(Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
The trouble with a kitten is that
When it grows up, it's always a cat
	-- Ogden Nash.
%
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
%
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it.

	-- Franklin P. Jones
%
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
%
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
%
The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

	-- Ken Kesey
%
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

	-- Lenny Bruce
%
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
vice versa.
%
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity."
%
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
"100 percent American"...

	-- U. S. Army (1945)
%
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.

	-- Jim Samuels
%
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
broken.
%
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
combination is locked up in the safe.

	-- Peter DeVries
%
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
%
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
world put together.

	-- Sir Peter Medawar
%
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offense.

	-- E. W. Dijkstra
%
The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
the worst cigars.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
prejudice.

	-- Mark Twain
%
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
be one of the facts that needs altering.

	-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
%
"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
it's just a tired feeling:"
%
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
%
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood."

	-- Alexander Haig
%
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
%
The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
	Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
It must have blown through someone's feet,
	Like those of Caspar Weinberger.

	-- P. Opus
%
	THE WOMBAT

	-- The wombat lives across the seas,
Among the far Antipodes.
He may exist on nuts and berries,
Or then again, on missionaries;
His distant habitat precludes
Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
But I would not engage the wombat
In any form of mortal combat.
%
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
%
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
%
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
%
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
	-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
%
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
the answers.
%
Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.

	-- He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
market.

	-- If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.

	-- Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.

	-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
Then here's to the City of Boston,
The town of the cries and the groans.
Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.

	-- Franklin Pierce Adams
%
	THEORY
Into love and out again,
	Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
	Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
	All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
	Someone dropped me on my head?

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
%
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy ...

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
cats.
%
There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
are chosen correctly.
%
There are no games on this system.
%
There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is
obviously impossible.

	-- - Richard Davisson
%
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
truth without lying.
%
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.

	-- Gloria Steinem
%
	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
this?
	Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
don't we all?"
%
"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you
stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
intelligence."

	-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
%
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

	-- Disraeli
%
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
%
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

	-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
%
"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
the more certain."

	-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
%
There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many
facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next
fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent
Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
Factor; that's engineering.
%
There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
can't remember.

	-- Italo Svevo
%
There are three ways to get something done:
	(1) Do it yourself.
	(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
	(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
%
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
%
There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
one of them.
%
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.

	-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

	-- Woody Allen
%
"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
deficiencies."

	-- C. A. R. Hoare
%
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope."

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
works.
%
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
%
There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.

	-- R. W. Gerard
%
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

	-- Henry Kissinger
%
There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
than 100.

	-- Steele's Law
%
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
%
There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
opinion.

	-- Anatole France
%
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
%
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
%
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
tied during the month of April.
%
There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

	-- Walt Disney
%
"There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
love of the Fatherland."

	-- Adolf Hitler
%
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."

	-- There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."

	-- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.

	-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
vacuum."

	-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

	-- Mark Twain
%
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
of course.

	-- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
%
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
home."

	-- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
	  Convention, 1977
%
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
	-- G. B. Shaw
%
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
reflexes.
%
There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
%
There is no time like the pleasant.
%
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
%
There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS  I'm very probably wrong.
%
"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just
a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been
there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
the middle of the night?'"
%
There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
ocean level wouldn't cure.

	-- Ross MacDonald
%
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

	-- Mark Twain
%
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
	But she started absorbin'
	A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
%
There once was a member of Mensa
Who was a most excellent fencer.
	The sword that he used
	Was his -- (line is refused,
And has now been removed by the censor).
%
There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
	It at last grew so small,
	He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.
%
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
it."

	-- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
%
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
started debating who should be allowed to stay.

	-- The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
votes.
%
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
	While her lover lamented
	The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
%
There was a young man who said "God,
I find it exceedingly odd,
	That the willow oak tree
	Continues to be,
When there's no one about in the Quad."

	-- "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
For I'm always about in the Quad;
	And that's why the tree,
	Continues to be,"
Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
%
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
	When told this was so,
	He said, "Yes, I know.
%
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
	When told this was so,
	He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
%
"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
during the trial."

	-- David Letterman
%
There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
telephone business?
%
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
a fence.
%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
There's little in taking or giving,
	There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
	Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
	The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
	And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
	And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
	Would you kindly direct me to hell?

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
whole lives, win, lose, or draw.

	-- Walt Kelly
%
There's no future in time travel
%
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.

	-- Dr. Who
%
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
any worse.
%
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
%
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.

	-- Will Rodgers
%
"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead
armadillos."

	-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
%
"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
aggravate."
%
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.

	-- Clint Eastwood
%
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
becoming an endangered synthetic.

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
out of MEGATON MAN!"
%
These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
%
They also surf who only stand on waves.
%
"They make a desert and call it peace."

	-- Tacitus (55?-120?)
%
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
always spell better than they pronounce.

	-- Mark Twain
%
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

	-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
%
"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
%
They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
About a month before.	Their hair began to curl The proof was valid,
more or less Instead of understanding it But rather less than more.
We'd run the thing through PRL.

He sent them word that we would try	Don't tell a soul about all this
To pass where they had failed	For it must ever be And after we were done,
to them A secret, kept from all the rest The new proof would be mailed.

Between yourself and me.
My notion was to start again
Ignoring all they'd done
We quickly turned it into code
To see if it would run.
%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
%
"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
to like."

	-- Avon
%
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
%
Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
%
Think honk if you're a telepath.
%
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
%
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer
crashes.
%
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
%
"Thirty days hath Septober,
April, June, and no wonder.
all the rest have peanut butter
except my father who wears red suspenders."
%
This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
%
This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
%
This fortune intentionally not included.
%
This fortune is false.
%
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
%
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys ..."
%
"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
DOG."

	-- Bob Violence
%
"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
%
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.

	-- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
%
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
%
This is for all ill-treated fellows
	Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
	And I am not.

	-- A. E. Housman
%
"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
to one."

	-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
%
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
%
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM

	-- If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
%
This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
%
This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
power of computers:

	-- Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct
the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The
results are that one should eat each day:

	-- 	1/2 chicken
	1 egg
	1 glass of skim milk
	27 heads of lettuce.

	-- Rev. Adrian Melott
%
This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see

	-- You cannot tell the he from the she
But she can tell, and so can he

	-- The little bee is never still
She has no time to take the pill

	-- And that is why, in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.
%
This is your fortune.
%
This land is full of trousers!
this land is full of mausers!
	And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!

	-- Firesign Theater
%
This land is made of mountains,
This land is made of mud,
This land has lots of everything,
For me and Elmer Fudd.

	-- This land has lots of trousers,
This land has lots of mousers,
And pussycats to eat them
When the sun goes down.
%
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
%
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
%
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
great force.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.

	-- Douglas Adams
%
"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like."

	-- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
%
This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.

	-- 	One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
	Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
	computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
	which identifies errors in the original program.
%
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.

	-- Hofstadter
%
... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.

	-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
it.
%
	Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
than he does.
	As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
	The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.

	-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
	  from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
	  and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
%
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
of us who do.
%
Those who can't write, write manuals.
%
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
%
"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."

	-- French Proverb
%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.

	-- Henry Spencer
%
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
for these only gave life, those the art of living well.

	-- Aristotle
%
Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.

	-- Mark B. Cohen
%
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
%
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable.

	-- John F. Kennedy
%
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
without the roar of its many waters.

	-- Frederick Douglass
%
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
%
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
%
Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.

	-- Ford Prefect
%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
%
'Tis the dream of each programmer,
Before his life is done,
To write three lines of APL,
And make the damn things run.
%
(to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")

	Scratch the disks, dump the core,
	Shut it down, pull the plug
	Roll the tapes across the floor,
	Give the core an extra tug
		And the system is going to crash.
		And the system is going to crash.
	Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
	Give the scopes some nasty hits
	Toss out halfway down the hall
		And the system is going to crash.
		And the system is going to crash.
	And we've also found Just flip one switch
	When you turn the power down,
	And the lights will cease to twitch
	You turn the disk readers into trash.
	And the tape drives will crumble in a flash.
	Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
	Now the CPU won't run
	Can print nothing out but "foo,"
		And the system is going to crash.
		The system is going to crash.
%
	To A Quick Young Fox:
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.

	-- Lazy Dog
%
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
%
To be is to do.
	-- I. Kant

To do is to be.
	-- A. Sartre

Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
	-- F. Flinstone
%
"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
offer in response is based on information available to make no such
statement."
%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
%
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
%
"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

	-- B. Duggan
%
To generalize is to be an idiot.

	-- William Blake
%
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
men, two of them absent.
%
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

	-- Thomas Edison
%
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
%
To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
%
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
a test load.
%
To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
secure ecological niche.

	-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
%
To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.

Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.

	-- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
	  Phones?"
%
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
%
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

	-- Woody Allen
%
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
%
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
%
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?

	-- And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

	-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."

	-- Bob & Ray
%
"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
except in major motion pictures."

	-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
Toilet Toup'ee, n.:
	Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
creating endless annoyance to male users.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
%
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Too clever is dumb.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.

	-- Mae West
%
Too much of everything is just enough.

	-- Bob Wier
%
Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
briefcases.

	-- Governor Jerry Brown
%
Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
Please...

			CONSERVE GRAVITY

		Follow these simple suggestions:

(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big pile.
(6) Stop flipping pancakes

%
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
%
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
%
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
intelligence.

	-- Henrik Tikkanen
%
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
%
Truthful, adj.:
	Dumb and illiterate.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.

	-- Charles Schulz
%
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
good.
%
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
absolutely perfect future.

	-- Amrom Katz
%
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
%
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
specification is that it should run noiselessly.
%
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

	-- Alan Watts
%
Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
%
Turnaucka's Law:
	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
%
Tussman's Law:
	Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
%
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

	-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrabe.

"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
%
	'Twas the Night before Crisis

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
	Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
	Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
	While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
	I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
	But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
	And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
	On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
	From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
	Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
%
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
throughout our place of residence,
Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
possessors of this potential, including that
species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
%
Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.

	-- Walt Kelly
%
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

	-- Howard Kandel
%
Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man
said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The
second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his
chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded
only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the
courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
must pay three silver pieces."
%
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
%
"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
I forget the second."
%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
%
U:	There's a U -- a Unicorn!
	Run right up and rub its horn.
	Look at all those points you're losing!
	UMBER HULKS are so confusing.

	-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)

	-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
%
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
%
"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"

"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?"

	-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
%
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:

	Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
	hammer or get a splinter in it.
%
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:

	Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
	hammmer or get a splinter in it.
%
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
just man is also a prison.

	-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
just man is also in prison.

	-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it
can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
%
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
	Superiority is recessive.
%
Unfair animal names:

	tsetse fly
	bullhead
	booby
	duck-billed platypus
	sapsucker
	Clarence
	Gary Larson
%
United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.

	-- Isaac Asimov
%
Universe, n.:
	The problem.
%
University, n.:
	Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
	usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
	you how to fix it, and ...
%
unix soit qui mal y pense
%
UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).

	-- Andy Tannenbaum
%
Unnamed Law:
	If it happens, it must be possible.
%
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
%
User n.:
	A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
%
USER, n.:
	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."

	-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
%
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.

	-- S. C. Johnson
%
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.

	-- Doug Larson
%
Vail's Second Axiom:
	The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
amount of work already completed.
%
Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
Tom:	 I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...

	-- Tom Chapin
%
Van Roy's Law:
	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%
Vanilla, adj.:
	Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
and sour won ton soup.
%
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
	(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
	  once.
	(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
	  points.
%
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
%
"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."

"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.

"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy."

	-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
%
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
%
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

	-- Salvor Hardin
%
Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
yard.
%
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
	ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
	morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
	that old underwear you own.
%
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
	You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
	sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
	sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
	drivers.
%
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
%
Virtue is its own punishment.
%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
%
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
%
Vote anarchist
%
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
TAX-DEFERRED!
%
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
%
	 *** System shutdown message from root ***

		  System going down in 60 seconds
%
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

	-- Mark Twain
%
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
	(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
%
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
%
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

	-- Charles Edward Montague
%
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
%
	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:

Firings will continue until morale improves.
%
	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:

Firings will continue until morale improves.
%
WARNING:
	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
	mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
	of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
	of your favorite war.
%
Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
up.

	-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
%
Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
%
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.

	-- John F. Kennedy
%
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
%
Wasting time is an important part of living.
%
Watson's Law:
	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
	number and significance of any persons watching it.
%
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which
divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.

	-- Niels Bohr
%
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.

	-- Whole Earth Catalog
%
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

	-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
%
We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
socialism?

	-- Fidel Castro
%
"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
theorem."

	-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
"We are upping our standards ... so up yours."

	-- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
%
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
%
We can predict everything, except the future.
%
We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.

	-- James E. Day, Postmaster General
%
"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

	-- Vroomfondel
%
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
%
We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
fish.
%
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
%
We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?

	-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
%
"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
our grave singing Haleleuia ..."

	-- Monty Python
%
We have met the enemy, and he is us.

	-- Walt Kelly
%
We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
back to normal, and that they already have.
%
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
hands for masturbation."

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
said "ELECTROCUTION".

Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
floor, which is how the police would find you.

You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.

	-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
%
We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start
with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is
best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.

	-- Alan M. Turing
%
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
%
We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
no matter how self-seeking.

	-- F. G. Withington
%
We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
ugly paneling is to begin with.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
%
	We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
what men must do. ...
	"Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
tollway belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.

	-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
	  Competition
%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
%
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
%
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!

	-- Maxwell Smart
%
"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
%
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
in his bowl full of jelly.

	-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
We're only in it for the volume.

	-- Black Sabbath
%
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
but for some reason nobody's ever done it.

	-- Andy Rooney
%
Weiler's Law:
	Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
himself.
%
Weinberg's First Law:
	Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
%
Weinberg's Principle:
	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
%
Weinberg's Second Law:
	If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
	then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
	There are no answers, only cross references.
%
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
you run out of food.

	-- Dean McLaughlin.
%
Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
the entire show without answering a single question ...

	-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.

	-- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
%
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
you believe?!"

	-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
%
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

	-- Core Dumped Blues
%
"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"

"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."

	-- Dr. Who
%
"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
hundred."

	-- The Mahabharata.
%
Westheimer's Discovery:
	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
	couple of hours in the library.
%
Wethern's Law:
	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%
"What are we going to do?"

"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
short initiation period."
%
"What are you doing?"

"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
initiation period."
%
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
%
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
teenager asked her mother.
	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
%
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
%
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
%
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
%
"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
country. Nice try anyway, George."

	-- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
%
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
entrance?
%
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
in his footsteps?
%
What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.

	-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%
What I tell you three times is true.
%
"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
parties.

	-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
%
"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."

	-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
%
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.

	-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

	-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
What is a magician but a practising theorist?

	-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%
What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind.

	-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
%
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
%
"What is the Nature of God?"

CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
1 QT. SOUR CREAM
1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
1/2 CUT CHIVES.
STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.

"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."

	-- Bloom County
%
"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"

	-- Bertold Brecht
%
"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite."

	-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
%
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
%
What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."

	-- Susan Gordon
%
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

	-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
bagel.
%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
%
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
%
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
%
What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
%
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?

	-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.

	-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
%
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

	-- Steven Wright
%
	"What's that thing?"
	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does. We call it a two-by-four."

	-- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
%
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

	-- Dr. Who
%
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

	-- The Doctor
%
Whatever became of eternal truth?
%
Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
hundred dollar bills."

	-- Herb Caen
%
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
nailed down.

	-- Collis P. Huntingdon
%
"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
cockroaches!"

	-- Mom
%
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
money is.

	-- Robespierre
%
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
thing," it's the money.

	-- Kim Hubbard
%
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
loop?
%
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

	-- Robert Heinlein
%
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

	-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
	  Maintenance"
%
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
%
"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"

	-- Reuben Flagg
%
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."

	-- Vine Deloria, Jr.
%
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
think it was a Tuesday.
%
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
guarantee them.
%
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving."

	-- Steven Wright
%
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

	-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
%
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
I'm beginning to believe it.

	-- Clarence Darrow
%
When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
and get you."

	-- Jerry Lewis
%
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'"

	-- Steven Wright
%
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

	-- Woody Allen
%
When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A
group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things
together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ...
Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military
establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.

	-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
%
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.

	-- Mark Twain
%
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
%
"When in doubt, tell the truth."

	-- Mark Twain
%
When in doubt, use brute force.

	-- Ken Thompson
%
When in panic, fear and doubt,
Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
%
When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!

	-- Laurie Anderson
%
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
%
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
results.

	-- Calvin Coolidge
%
When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
and I find I mind it less and less."

	-- Louise Andrews Kent
%
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

	-- Daniel B. Luten
%
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
%
"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"

	-- Jon Carroll
%
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
%
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.

	-- Voltaire
%
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade ...

	-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
plane will fly.

	-- Donald Douglas
%
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
not hereditary.

	-- Thomas Paine
%
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
except our fingertips will have been singed.

	-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
swayed, directly to the goal.

	-- Amrom Katz
%
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
%
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

	-- Harry Truman
%
	When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
	In a way, the next move is up to him.

	-- R. A. Lafferty
%
"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
	-- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
%
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.

	-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

	-- The Wall Street Journal
%
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.
%
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.

	-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
%
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
%
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".

	-- Dave Parnas
%
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.

	-- A. Lincoln
%
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

	-- Mark Twain
	  "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
%
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.

	-- Mark Twain
%
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE

	Oh, dear, where can the matter be
	When it's converted to energy?
	There is a slight loss of parity.
	Johnny's so long at the fair.
%
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

	-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
%
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
admission to someone else.
%
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

	-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
	  November 26, 1792
%
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
%
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.

	-- Edward Stevenson
%
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.
%
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
position.
%
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.
%
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
reassuring to know that it's still there.
%
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Whistler's Law:
	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.
%
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
%
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.

	-- A. E. Housman
%
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
%
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%
Who's on first?
%
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

	-- George Ade
%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
%
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

	-- Ian Shoales
%
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"

	-- Bertold Brecht
%
Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
have?
%
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
%
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
%
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
automation?
%
Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
%
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
there must be a beverage.

	-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
more lawyers?

	-- New Jersey had first choice.
%
Why don't elephants eat penguins ?

	-- Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

	-- I'd LOVE to, but ...

	-- I have to floss my cat.

	-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.

	-- I need to spend more time with my blender.

	-- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

	-- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.

	-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.

	-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

	-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

	-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

	-- I have some really hard words to look up.

	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.

	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
%
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
because we are not the person involved"

	-- Mark Twain
%
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
%
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
you knowing nothing?"

	-- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
%
Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
children open their old-fashioned presents.

Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"

You:	"A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
		falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"

Son:	"Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
	with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
	and I get this cretin TOP?"

Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."

You:	"It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"

Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."

	-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
	No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.

	-- John L. Shelton
%
Wiker's Law:
	Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
%
	William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.
%
Williams and Holland's Law:
	If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
	statistical methods.
%
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
%
Wit, n.:
	The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
... by leaving it out.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
try to be a fraud and a half.

	-- Otto von Bismark
%
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.

	-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
build a nuclear balm?
%
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
such thing as progress.

	-- Ransom K. Ferm
%
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
%
Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
	(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
	(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
	(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
	(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
	  VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
	(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.

	-- Rich Kulawiec
%
Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
come back.

Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
although their insurance rates went way up.

	-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
	We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
bargained for.
%
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
chairs.
%
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
dress code!
%
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
	August. The lines are the shortest, though.

	-- Steve Rubenstein
%
Worst Month of the Year:
	February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.

	-- Steve Rubenstein
%
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
	From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
damage my videotapes?"
%
Worst Vegetable of the Year:
	The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

	-- Steve Rubenstein
%
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat

	-- Lewis Carrol
%
"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"
%
Write-Protect Tab, n.:
	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
	left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
	message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
	momentary inconvenience.

	-- Robb Russon
%
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

	-- Frank Zappa
%
"Wrong," said Renner.

"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
%
X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%
XIIdigitation, n.:
	The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
	by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.

	-- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
%
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
operators together.

	-- Steve Higgins
%
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
%
Year, n.:
	A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
%
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
%
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

	-- Snoopy
%
Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.
%
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.

	-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Yinkel, n.:
	A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
	will notice.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
%
You are here:
	***
	***
	   *********
	   *******
	*****
	***
	 *

	-- 	 But you're not all there.
%
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"All your papers these days look the same;

Those William's would be better unread --
Do these facts never fill you with shame?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I wrote wonderful papers galore;
But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
Made it pointless to think any more."
%
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

	-- Lewis Carrol
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
That your lectures bore people to death.
Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
Don't you think that you should save your breath?"

"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

	-- Lewis Carrol
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
And there isn't one language you like;
Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
Have you thought about taking a hike?"

"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
"Every language looks equally bad;
Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
And don't realize that they've been had."
%
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
Pray what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

	-- Lewis Carrol
%
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And make errors few people could bear;
You complain about everyone's English but yours --
Do you really think this is quite fair?"

"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
"But my stature these days is so great
That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
And to stop me it's now far too late."
%
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"

	-- Lewis Carrol
%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
%
You are the only person to ever get this message.
%
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
%
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
%
You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
safety glasses.

	-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."

	-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
%
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
executive.
%
"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?"

	-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
%
You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
can with just a kind word.

	-- Bumper Sticker
%
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
for instance.

	-- Franklin P. Jones
%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of FORTRAN.

	-- Alan Perlis
%
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
%
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.

	-- F. Allen
%
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
supercomputers.

	-- Steven Feiner
%
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
%
"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."

	-- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

	-- Steven Wright
%
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.

	-- Booker T. Washington
%
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
%
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
%
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
enough worrying about what's happening now.

	-- Lauren Bacall
%
"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

	-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
	  Over and Over"
%
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
don't."

	-- Dagwood Bumstead
%
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
%
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt.

	-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
%
You do not have mail.
%
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

	-- J. D. Salinger
%
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
needles.

	-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
%
You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
names. Here's the complete text:

	"(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
	"(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
	"(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
	     send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
	     THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
	     household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
	     you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
	     NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
form.

	-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
%
You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).

			--More--

	This is an IBM Manual scroll.

			--More--

	You are permanently confused.

	-- Dave Decot
%
You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
%
You have junk mail.
%
You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
wrinkled.
%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
today.
%
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
%
You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
you can always change the channel.

	-- Jim Ignatowski
%
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.

	-- S. Rickly Christian
%
You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.

	-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
%
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%
	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
	"Why, what did she tell you?"
	"I don't know, I didn't listen!"

	-- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
%
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
%
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.

	-- Sydney Harris
%
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
him.

	-- Ed Howe
%
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

	-- Alfred Kahn
%
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.

	-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
%
You might have mail
%
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
%
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
be dead.
%
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
independence.

	-- Charles A. Beard
%
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
beach.
%
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
company.

	-- J. Wellington Wells
%
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
%
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
know how seldom they do.

	-- Olin Miller.
%
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
if they are dead.
%
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
about 10^12 to 1.

	-- Ernest Rutherford
%
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.

	-- Henrik Ibson
%
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.

	-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.

	-- In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
hemorrhoids.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"

	-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%
	YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
	   PAPER SHUFFLING!

Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."

Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."

MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.

		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
%
You too can wear a nose mitten.
%
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
%
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
%
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
%
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
mayonnaise salesman.
%
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

	-- Sherlock Holmes
%
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
%
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
worry.
%
You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
minute and a huff.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
%
You're at the end of the road again.
%
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
%
You're never too old to become younger.

	-- Mae West
%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

	-- Dean Martin
%
You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
%
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
%
"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

	-- Gary Giddens
%
"You've got to think about tomorrow!"

"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
%
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
%
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
from enjoying it.
%
Your fault: core dumped
%
	Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
your fuses regularly.
	Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
table, etc.

	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%
Your lucky color has faded.
%
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
%
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
%
"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"

	-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
%
Zero Defects, n.:
	The result of shutting down a production line.
%
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.

	-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
%
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
	People are always available for work in the past tense.
A father doesn't destroy his children.

	-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
	  stardate 3468.1.
%
A little suffering is good for the soul.

	-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
%
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and
licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.

	-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
%
A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect
her.

	-- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3
%
A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even
his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.

	-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without
breathing.

	-- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
%
A woman should have compassion.

	-- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
%
Actual war is a very messy business. Very, very messy business.

	-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,
after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true.

	-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.

	-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
%
Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be
located on a natural invasion route.

	-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4
%
Another dream that failed. There's nothing sadder.

	-- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
%
Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost
in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ...

	-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
enough to play around with that.

	-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
"Beauty is transitory."
"Beauty survives."

	-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.

	-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
Blast medicine anyway! We've learned to tie into every organ in the
human body but one. The brain! The brain is what life is all about.

	-- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
%
But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected ... we may not be
able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a
dent in it.

	-- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
%
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with
jealousy, greed, hate ..."

"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --
the other side of the coin"

	-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?",
	  stardate 2712.4
%
Change is the essential process of all existence.

	-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
%
Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had. Maybe it's
the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.

	-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to
serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one
man. And nothing can replace it or him.

	-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
Conquest is easy. Control is not.

	-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
%
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.

	-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about.
That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.

	-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the
whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel
like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels?

	-- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
%
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
her by ..." You could feel the wind at your back, about you ... the
sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and
the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours ... you can feel her
... and the stars are still there.

	-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers
-- the living and the dying.

	-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
%
Each kiss is as the first.

	-- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome",
	  stardate 4842.6
%
Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.

	-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
%
Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not.

	-- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
%
Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist.

	-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
%
Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same
mistakes.

	-- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
%
Every living thing wants to survive.

	-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
"Or by misleading the innocent."

	-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
	  stardate 5029.5.
%
Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.

	-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
%
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.

	-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.

	-- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
First study the enemy. Seek weakness.

	-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.

	-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
"It is our worship word too."

	-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say,
"Today I will be brilliant."

	-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
"Get back to your stations!"
"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."

	-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
	  stardate 3417.3
%
He's dead, Jim
	-- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
%
History tends to exaggerate.

	-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).

	-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6
%
I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become
greater than the sum of both of us.

	-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to
any question.

	-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
%
I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without
constructive purpose.

	-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever
logically needs to be done.

	-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
%
"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
and death --"
"And make them spend it on life."

	-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
	  stardate unknown.
%
I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right,
they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel
it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.

	-- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth.

	-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
%
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.

	-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise.

	-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
%
If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
tend to protect that child.

	-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.

	-- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.

	-- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
%
If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.

	-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
%
Immortality consists largely of boredom.

	-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even
vegetarians.

	-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
%
Insufficient facts always invite danger.

	-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
Insults are effective only where emotion is present.

	-- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
%
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.

	-- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
%
Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the
learning of each other?

	-- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
	  Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3.
%
Is truth not truth for all?

	-- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
	  the Sky", stardate 5476.4.
%
It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is
logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for
personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.

	-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if
they're attractive in some way.

	-- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
%
It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.

	-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
It is necessary to have purpose.

	-- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not
hers.

	-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable
	-- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3
%
It would be illogical to kill without reason
	-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted
	-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can
do so much harm."

"That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's what kept
the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."

	-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
%
Killing is stupid; useless!

	-- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
Killing is wrong.

	-- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!

	-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
Landru! Guide us!

	-- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
%
Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.

	-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
"Life and death are seldom logical."
"But attaining a desired goal always is."

	-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
%
Live long and prosper.

	-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
"You admit that?"
"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"

	-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
%
Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.

	-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
	  stardate unknown
%
Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.

	-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3
%
Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.

	-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
%
Many Myths are based on truth
	-- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3
%
Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.

	-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
Men of peace usually are [brave].

	-- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.

	-- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8
%
Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.

	-- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4
%
Most legends have their basis in facts.

	-- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
%
Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.

	-- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
No more blah, blah, blah!

	-- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6
%
No one can guarantee the actions of another.

	-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.

	-- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
%
"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."

	-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
	  stardate 5906.5.
%
No one wants war.

	-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
%
No problem is insoluble.

	-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
%
Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.

	-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.

	-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow",
	  stardate 4770.3.
%
Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and
it's still the same song.

	-- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
%
On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy. To me, it
is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
instead of saving it.

	-- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2
%
One does not thank logic.

	-- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for
advice without necessarily having to take it.

	-- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2
%
Only a fool fights in a burning house.

	-- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, it
is only because we have no choice.

	-- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
Our way is peace.

	-- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses",
	  stardate 4040.7.
%
Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.

	-- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
%
Peace was the way.

	-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
%
Power is danger.

	-- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.

	-- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever",
	  stardate unknown
%
Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become
insensitive.

	-- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
%
Respect is a rational process
	-- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated to
pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.

	-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident",
	  stardate 5027.3
%
Schshschshchsch.

	-- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2
%
Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.

	-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
%
Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.

	-- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
	  stardate unknown.
%
Star Trek Lives!
%
Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.

	-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8
%
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.

	-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
"That unit is a woman."
"A mass of conflicting impulses."

	-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
%
"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"

	-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal
than to kill.

	-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiar
pattern. We don't fear it as you do.

	-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
	  stardate 4041.2
%
"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty."

	-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?",
	  stardate 5630.8
%
The heart is not a logical organ.

	-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
%
The idea of male and female are universal constants.

	-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.

	-- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8
%
The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often
a noose.
%
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of
play.

	-- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8
%
The only solution is ... a balance of power. We arm our side with
exactly that much more. A balance of power -- the trickiest, most
difficult, dirtiest game of them all. But the only one that preserves
both sides.

	-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. That
the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of
destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.

	-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
%
... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get
to know each other.

	-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
%
"The release of emotion is what keeps us health. Emotionally healthy."

	-- "That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy release
of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."

	-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
%
The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].

	-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
%
The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.

	-- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
%
... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
failures and the glorious victories.

	-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
There are always alternatives.

	-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
There are certain things men must do to remain men.

	-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4
%
There are some things worth dying for.

	-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
%
There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face
.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves
as gods.

	-- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
%
There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.

	-- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
%
There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's
life, he is grateful.

	-- Nona, the Kanuto which woman, "A Private Little War",
	  stardate 4211.8.
%
There is an order of things in this universe.

	-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
%
There's a way out of any cage.

	-- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
	  stardate unknown.
%
There's another way to survive. Mutual trust -- and help.

	-- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is
nothing good in war. Except its ending.

	-- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another
life form, that's all. You get used to those things.

	-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
"There's only one kind of woman ..."
"Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or you don't."

	-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
%
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.

	-- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
%
Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not
stopped.

	-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.

	-- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
%
To live is always desirable.

	-- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9
%
Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.

	-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
%
Totally illogical, there was no chance.

	-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages. And we can all
be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.

	-- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
%
Violence in reality is quite different from theory.

	-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
%
Virtue is a relative term.

	-- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1
%
Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.

	-- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
%
Vulcans do not approve of violence.

	-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
Vulcans never bluff.

	-- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1
%
Vulcans worship peace above all.

	-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
%
Wait! You have not been prepared!

	-- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
%
War is never imperative.

	-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
War isn't a good life, but it's life.

	-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
[War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human
beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we
can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to
kill today!

	-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for
us.

	-- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
%
We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of
peaceful contact.

	-- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3
%
We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior
development.

	-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7
%
We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!

	-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
%
"We have the right to survive!"
"Not be killing others."

	-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
%
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong
should live.

	-- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
%
We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
But when it comes to your job -- that's different. And it always will
be different.

	-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
"What happened to the crewman?"

	-- "The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely
got in the way."

	-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
	  stardate 4731.3.
%
What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love.

	-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
	  stardate 3219.8
%
"What terrible way to die."
"There are no good ways."

	-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --
and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
what it was taught, thinks independently.

	-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
	  stardate 4731.3.
%
When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,
building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left
behind by your ancestors. You just sit living and reliving other lives
left behind in the thought records.

	-- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
%
Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.

	-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
%
Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya!

	-- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
%
Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely on
your human intuition.

	-- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
%
Without followers, evil cannot spread.

	-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
%
Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.

	-- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
%
Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more
sheer horror than the male of the species.

	-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
%
Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.

	-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before",
	  stardate 1312.9.
%
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a
woman.

	-- Kirk, "Conscience of the King", stardate unknown
%
Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a
woman.

	-- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
%
Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil.

	-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in
command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.

	-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.

	-- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries. But
you imprison those who employ it privately.

	-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
%
You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you
feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If
the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.

	-- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
%
You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're
welcome," I believe, is the correct response.

	-- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
%
You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you
are telling the truth. You cannot tell the truth because everything
you say is a lie. You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for
you lie.

	-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference between
courage and foolhardiness. Always it is the brave ones who die, the
soldiers.

	-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
	  stardate 3201.7
%
You! What PLANET is this!

	-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
%
You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot.

	-- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
%
You're dead, Jim.

	-- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
You're dead, Jim.

	-- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
%
You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman.

	-- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
%
Youth doesn't excuse everything.

	-- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder",
	  stardate 5928.5.
%
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

	-- Fred Allen
%
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

	-- Dylan Thomas
%
Awards are like hemorrhoids; in the end, every asshole gets one.

	-- Frederick Raphael
%
Cynic, n. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Habit, n. a shackle for the free.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
I can resist everything except temptation.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the
politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one
wants, and the other is getting it.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Lawsuit, n. a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%
A thing worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody else to do it.
%
A true victory requirest at the very least an antagonist and a battle;
anything less is but a takeover.
%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
%
Burp.
%
Chance favours the trained mind.

	-- Pastuer
%
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
%
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are
right more than half of the time.
%
Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
%
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
%
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel anyway.
%
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
%
Unquestionably, there is progress.
The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly
got in wages.
%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
%
When choosing between two evils, always try
the one you have never tried before.
%
When your only tool is a hammer, you tend to treat everything you find like
a nail.
%
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.

	-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
You are growing sleepy, very sleepy. At midnite tonite, you will write a
blank check in the amount of the balance of your check book and mail it
to me at...
%
You have been targeted for termination.
%
" If All Fails, READ THE DOCS ! "
%
Vuja De -- The Feeling You've Never Been Here
%
Marriage, n. a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves,
making in all, two.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
%
Abstract art is a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the
utterly bewildered.

	-- Al Capp
%
Achievement, n. the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Saint, n. a dead sinner, revised and edited.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Samson had the right idea about advertising. He took two columns and
brought down the house.
%
A woman never forgets her sex. She would rather talk with a man than an
angel, any day.

	-- O.W. Holmes
%
That which needs to be proved cannot be worth much.

	-- Nietzsche
%
The most inconvenient feature about poverty is that one is apt to get used
to it.
%
2.998e10 cm/sec; It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
%
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
%
A country that put men on the moon can't keep cold cereal from getting soggy.
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
%
A thing not worth doing is worth not doing well.
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
%
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
After three days men grow weary of a wench, a guest, and rainy weather.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
%
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
%
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
%
An optimist believes this to be the best of all possible worlds.
A pessimist fears this to be true.
%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
%
Any person, when confronted by enough stress, will sooner or later turn out
a product which is utterly beyond their ability.
%
Any phenomenon, once observed and noted, will cease to exist. In theory,
a particularly astute observer could destroy everything as we know it...
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%
Assumed Decimal Point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer's
current salary in estimating his own worth.
%
Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.
%
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
%
Don't hate yourself in the morning
	-- sleep till noon.
%
Don't marry for money...You can borrow it cheaper.
%
Don't worry about being in a dangerous situation. You have the rest of your
life to straighten it out.
%
Donsen's Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until,
finally, he knows everything about nothing; while the generalist learns less
and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about
everything.
%
Education is what you have left over after you have forgotten everything you
have learned.
%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it.
%
Every creature has within itself the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
%
Everyone needs to believe in something; I believe I'll have another beer.
%
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
%
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh,
when the little hand is on the ....
%
Groebe's Law: The more complex the problem, the sooner the deadline.
%
Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away.
Shavelson's Extension: ...after having done its damage.
Grelb's Addition: If it was bad, it will be back.
%
I am not a Merry Man!

	-- Worf
%
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

	-- Earl Wilson
%
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3 percent?
%
Is it Friday yet?
%
Last guys don't finish nice.
%
Law of Inertia: Given enough time, what you put off doing today will
eventually get done by itself.
%
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.
%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
%
Marriage
	a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
%
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half
	-breed interference.
%
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
%
Money is the root of all evil
	-- and a man needs roots.
%
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
%
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

	-- Steve Wozniak
%
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
%
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use
the editorial "we."
%
Only those who attempt the absurd achieve the impossible.
%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
%
A god in hand is worth two in the bush.

	-- Aaron
%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%
A programming language is low
	-level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
%
Pardon me, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.

	-- Spock
%
Pareto Phenomenon: Very few things seem to contribute to a majority of
problems.
%
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
%
Smile, it makes the world wonder what you are up to.
%
Smith's Fourth Law of Inertia: A body at rest tends to watch television.
%
SNAFU (Situation Normal All Fouled Up).
%
The early worm gets the bird.
%
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
%
The purpose of the propeller is as a fan to keep the pilot cool. Turn it
off and watch him sweat.
%
The true pleasures in life are almost always overshadowed by the blatently
obvious ones.
%
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
%
Bell's Rule: The average time between throwing something away and needing
it badly is two weeks. This time can be reduced to one week by retaining
the thing for a long time first.
%
Better late than really late.
%
If you can kill a snake with it, it ain't art.

	-- Orcenith Lyle Bonge
%
Walk softly and carry a fully charged PHASER!
%
Nutritional tip: Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alchohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

%
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
%
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

	-- Lao-Tsze
%
Hindsight is an exact science.
%
Be wary of strong drink.
It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
%
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
%
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
%
If at first you don't succeed you're running about average.

	-- M.H. Alderson
%
Even rats learn from experience.

	-- George Skarbek
%
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the
human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
%
We are all special cases.

	-- Albert Camus
%
Man is a social animal who dislikes his fellow beings.
%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
%
Clothes make the man.

Naked people have little or no influence on society.

	-- Mark Twain
%
All animals are created equal,
but some are more equal than others.

	-- George Orwell
%
What attracts us in a woman rarely binds us to her.

	-- J.C. Collins
%
Luxury is a necessity that begins where necessity ends.

	-- Coco Channel
%
It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how
powerful they are.

	-- Clive James
%
Prophecy is the wit of a fool.

	-- Vladimir Nabokov
%
An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.

	-- John Junor
%
There is no force so powerful as an idea whose time has
come.

	-- Everett Dirkson
%
The more times you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
%
When I am sad, I sing,
and then the world is sad with me.

	-- Anon.
%
A child of five would understand this.
Send someone to fetch a child of five.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
A component selected at random from a group having 99%
reliability, will be a member of the 1% group.
%
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum
difficulty of assembly.
%
A circuit protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.
%
A little help at the right time is better than
a lot of help at the wrong time.

	-- Teyve
%
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as
taking candy from a baby' has never tried
taking candy from a baby."
%
"Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned."

	-- D. Graeme
%
"A woman, like a good piece of music,
should have a solid end."

	-- F. Schubert
%
A Woman is like a teabag -- you can't tell how strong she is
until you put her in hot water.

	-- Nancy Reagan
%
I'll worry about it tomorrow.

	-- S. O'Hara
%
If John F Kennedy was reading this sentence,
Lee Harvey Oswald would have missed.
%
Although this sentence begins with the word "because", it is
false.

	-- Douglas R Hofstadter
%
This line from Shakespeare has delusions of grandeur.

	-- Douglas R Hofstadter
%
If writers were bakers, this sentence would be exactly a
dozen words long.

	-- Douglas R Hofstadter
%
The whole point of this sentence is to make clear
what the whole point of this sentence is.

	-- Douglas R Hofstadter
%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, obviously you have no conception of the magnitude of
the problem.
%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, you must be at least a foot shorter than them.
%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, you'll be the tallest person in the room.
%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, obviously you must be the headsman.
%
"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of
Thursdays."

	-- Arthur Dent
%
I'm sorry, sir, that line is busy till Monday.
Would you hold please?
%
How can they say my life isn't a success?

	-- Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat
and escaped being eaten?

	-- Cindy Adams
%
I find that a great part of the information I have was
acquired by looking up something and finding something else
on the way.

	-- Franklin P. Adams
%
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive
questions your wife asks for nothing.

	-- Joey Adams
%
Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything.

	-- Aesop
%
The paper burns, but the words fly away.

	-- Ben Joseph Akiba
%
Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.

	-- Robert Altman
%
How can I prove that I'm not crazy to people who are?
%
ARE WE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP -- Or just doing research on each other?
%
WONDERFUL! -- You have some of my favourite problems.
%
Our meetings are held
to discuss many problems
which would never arise
if we held fewer meetings.
%
I'm not getting paid much for staying alive
but it's good experience.
%
Use your own judgement then do as I say
%
Just when I was getting used to yesterday...
Along came today.
%
There's nothing wrong with growing older, but where does it
lead?
%
No wonder I feel so tired -
I'm older now than I've ever been before.
%
It's hard to face tomorrow,
but it's easier than facing no tomorrow.
%
Let's put the blame where it belongs:
On somebody else.
%
If only our great thinkers could learn to talk,
and our great talkers could learn to think!
%
I ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY,
after the right time to say it has passed.
%
HOW CAN I FAIL WHEN I HAVE NO PURPOSE?
%
It's hard to remain true to a changing self.
%
When I find true wisdom, I'll let you know,
(if letting you know still seems important.)
%
I've learned to accept birth and death...
but sometimes I still worry about what lies between.
%
My life has a superb cast,
but I can't figure out the plot.
%
CAN THIS REALLY BE MY LIFE?
or has there been some mistake?
%
It's easier to see how funny life is
when somebody else is living it.
%
It's easy to come and go...
The hard thing is to remain.
%
History records no more gallant struggle
than that of humanity against the truth.
%
I'm looking for freedom
- can you direct me?
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can
find a rock.
%
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital,
had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better.

	-- KARL MARX'S MOTHER
%
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.

	-- BUCKMINSTER FULLER
%
Politicians should read science fiction,
not westerns and detective stories.

	-- ARTHUR C CLARKE
%
Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday,
Wednesday,and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum
theory on Tuesday,Thursday, and Saturday.

	-- William Bragg
%
Not only is there no God,
but try getting a plumber on the weekend.

	-- Woody Allan
%
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke
about them.

	-- - Heisenberg -
%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the
intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it
doesn't work.

	-- Gallagher
%
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
take the longest and cost the most.

	-- Warren's Rule
%
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win
you'r still a rat.

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
Experience - a comb life gives you after you loose your
hair.

	-- Judith Stern
%
A liberal is a person whose inerests aren't at stake,
at the moment.

	-- Willis Player
%
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing
our parents' shortcomings.

	-- Laurence J Peter
%
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of
prejudices.

	-- Laurence J Peter
%
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose
the man who will get the blame.

	-- Laurence J Peter
%
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

	-- G J Nathan
%
Enough research will tend to support your theory

	-- Murphy's Law of Research
%
No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best
friend.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
Every society honours its live conformists and its dead
troublemakers.

	-- Mignon Mclaughlin
%
God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to
take his place.

	-- Dr J D McCoughey
%
When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -
they always come in handy.

	-- Stanislaw Lec
%
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground
from beneath your feet.

	-- Stanislaw Lec
%
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having
to offer them a drink.

	-- Fran Lebowitz
%
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of
someone he can blame it on.

	-- Jones' Law
%
Experience enables you to recognise a mistake when you make
it again.

	-- F P Jones
%
It is always good policy to tell the truth unless of course
you are an exceptionally good liar.

	-- Jerome K Jerome
%
Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men.

	-- Kin Hubbard
%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

	-- Graffiti
%
God is not dead.
He is alive and working on a much less ambitious project.

	-- Graffiti
%
The secret of success is sincerity.
Once you can fake that you've got it made.

	-- Jean Giraudoux
%
Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times,
definitely will.

	-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
For most men life is a search for the proper manilla
envelope in which to get themselves filed.

	-- Clifton Fadiman
%
Rowe's Rule: the odds are five to six that the light at the
end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

	-- Paul Dickson
%
The only thing that stops God sending a second Flood is that
the first one was useless.

	-- Nicolas Chamfort
%
If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the
country.

	-- Mel Brooks
%
If its good, they'll stop making it.

	-- Herbert Block
%
Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old
mistresses.

	-- Lord Beaverbrook
%
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of
other people have been left out of the pleasure.

	-- Russell Baker
%
When the lay public rallies round to an idea that is
denounced by distinguised but elderly scientists and supports
the idea with great fervour and emotion, the distinguised but
elderly scientists are then, after all, right.

	-- Isaac Asimov
%
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of
intellectual error.

	-- Raymond Aron
%
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific
bills.

	-- Minna Antrim
%
A good family is one that used to better.

	-- Cleveland Amory
%
Don't knock masturbation - its sex with someone I love.

	-- Woody Allen
%
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly
can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be
done.

	-- Fred Allen
%
The most popular labour saving device today is still
a husband with money.

	-- Joey Adams
%
Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has
always been the systematic organization of hatreds.

	-- Henry Brooks Adams
%
Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind
what you should have in mind.
%
WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not
have to do it himself.
%
FINAGLE'S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to
improve it makes it worse.
%
RUDIN'S LAW: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made
among alternative courses of action, most people will choose
the worst one possible.
%
UNNAMED LAW: If it happens, it must be possible.
%
THE ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE: By definition, when you are
investigating the unknown - you do not know what you will
find.
%
"One Galileo in two thousand years is enough."

	-- Pope Pius XII
%
"QUIT is a four letter word!"
- PC-Hack v. 3.05
%
It figures. If there is Artificial Intelligence,
then there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.
%
"Just because something doesn't do what
you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless."

	-- T. Edison
%
Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs.
%
Reality is for people who can't cope with fantasy.
%
Reality is for people who can't cope with science fiction.
%
The way to a man's heart is through his veins.
%
Katz' Law:
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
%
Rule 1: The boss is always right.
Rule 2: When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
%
Cynicism -- the intellectual cripple's substitute for
intelligence.

	-- Russell Lynes
%
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd
all be millionaires.

	-- Abigail Van Buren
%
After all is said and done, sit down.

	-- Bill Copeland
%
Egotism is the drug that soothes the pain of stupidity.
%
A best-seller was a book which somehow sold well simpliy
because it was selling well.

	-- Daniel Boorstin
%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

	-- TALLULAH BANKHEAD
%
It takes a long time to understand nothing.

	-- EDWARD DAHLBERG
%
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.

	-- M C ESCHER
%
I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.

	-- - W. C. Fields -
%
The Swartzberg Test:
The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
%
How often I found where I should be going only by
setting out for somewhere else.

	-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
PARKINSON'S LAW:
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
%
The world is full of willing people.
Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

	-- Robert Frost
%
Idealism is fine,
but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive.

	-- William Buckley.
%
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

	-- Tom Stoppard
%
The first step towards knowledge is to know
that we are ignorant.

	-- Richard Cecil
%
You cannot dream yourself into a character;
you must forge one for yourself.

	-- James Froude.
%
Diplomacy ... the art of restraining power.

	-- Henry Kissinger
%
The buck stops with the guy who signs the cheques.

	-- Rupert Murdoch
%
Strong reasons make strong actions.

	-- Shakespeare
%
It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

	-- Errol Flynn
%
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

	-- Gary Willis
%
Genius not only diagnoses the situation but supplies the
answers.

	-- Robert Graves
%
To reform a man, you must begin with his grandmother.

	-- Victor Hugo
%
Distance lends enhancement to the view.

	-- Thomas Campbell
%
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

	-- Don Marquis
%
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

	-- Proverb
%
Nostalgia is a seductive liar.

	-- George Ball
%
It often shows a fine command of a language to say nothing.
%
An intelligence test often shows how smart one would have
been not to take it.
%
Wealth buys leisure, but not wisdom.
%
A short saying contains much wisdom.

	-- Sophocles.
%
Amid a multitude of projects, no plan is devised.

	-- Syrus
%
I was young and foolish then;
now I am old and foolisher.
%
Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

	-- Marcel Archard
%
There is no time like the pleasant.

	-- George Bergman
%
Willpower is the ability to eat one salted peanut.

	-- Anon
%
The Atomic Age is here to stay - but are we?

	-- Bennet Cerf
%
Examine what is said, not who speaks.

	-- Arabian Proverb
%
We have too many high sounding words,
and too few actions that correspond with them.

	-- Abigail Adams
%
Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.

	-- Henry B. Adams
%
Marriage is give and take.
You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

	-- Joey Adams
%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

	-- George Ade
%
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be
preferable.

	-- George Ade
%
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
is to allow oneself to be devoured.

	-- Konrad Adenauer
%
A house is not a home.

	-- Polly Adler. American madam.
%
I don't think my parents liked me.
They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

	-- Woody Allen
%
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard -
let him worry about cutting it.

	-- Fred Allen
%
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a
bridge even when there are no rivers.

	-- Nikita Khruschev
%
Only God can make random selections.
%
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end
of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small
unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly
ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little
blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so
amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are
a pretty neat idea...

	-- Douglas Adams

	-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Don't panic!

	-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Justice: A decision in your favour.
%
The decision is maybe
and that's final.
%
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate
greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it
could confuse a lot of people.

	-- Dolph Sharp
%
Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal
advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or
adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
%
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an
excuse for getting drunk.
%
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
%
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
percent.
%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labour-saving
devices the world has ever seen.
%
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
"Murphy was an optimist."
%
The three laws of thermodynamics:
The First Law:
You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:
The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
The Third Law:
You can only break even at absolute zero.
%
Some do, some don't.
Some will, some won't.
I might.
%
Flappity, floppity, flip, The mouse on the mobius strip; The
strip revolved, The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about
them.
%
According to the latest official figures,
43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
%
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated
but not be able to say it.
%
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety
if it hit them on the head.
%
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
%
I would rather suffer defeat than have cause to be ashamed
of victory.

	-- Quintus Curtius
%
Dignity is like a top hat.
Neither is very much use when you are standing on it.

	-- Chistopher Hollis
%
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.

	-- Jonathan Kozol
%
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

	-- James Goldsmith
%
Silence is better than unmeaning words.

	-- Pythagoras
%
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left
unsaid and for deeds left undone.

	-- Harriet Beecher Stowe
%
Swipple's Rule of Order:

	-- He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
%
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
There are those that say, and those that do.

	-- Andrew Campbell
%
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from
here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get
to," said the Cat.

	-- Lewis Carrol
%
A student who changes the course of history
is probably taking an exam.
%
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of
denying himself a pleasure.
%
Goldenstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
%
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat
each other.
%
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
The Course of Progress:
Most things get steadily worse.
The Path of Progress:
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
%
The world is coming to an end!
Repent and return those library books!
%
Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
you.
%
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you
don't, why you should.
%
"Humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."

	-- William Gilbert
%
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody,
somewhere, will not hate it.
%
Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

	-- Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you
really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
%
Chicken Little was right.
%
Air is water with holes in it
%
POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French
'tete' ("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head
or face to face).

Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.

	-- Martin Pitt
%
I like work...
I can sit and watch it for hours.
%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well
as the poor, to sleep under the bridges,
to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

	-- Anatole France
%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.
%
Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success
is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work
hard to improve.
%
After the first death, there is no other.

	-- Dylan Thomas
%
Death is all in the mind.
Once you're dead you forget all about it.
Jack Storey
%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%
It's not that I'm afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens.

	-- Woody Allen.
%
Suicide stunts your growth.

	-- Vila Restal
%
Old chemists never die - they just fail to react.
%
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul
goes up the on roof and gets stuck.
%
A cynic is a man who, when he smells
flowers, looks around for a coffin.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
GOD IS DEAD - Nietzsche
NIETZSCHE IS DEAD - God
%
Dying is a wild night and a new road.

	-- Emily Dickinsom
%
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

	-- Mark Twain
%
We die only once, and for such a long time.

	-- Moliere
%
Life is a great sunrise.
I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.

	-- Vladimir Nobokov
%
If life must not be taken too seriously--
then so neither must death.

	-- Samuel Butler
%
If we don't know life, how can we know death?

	-- Confucius
%
Everything comes to him who waits,
among other things, death.

	-- Francis Bradley
%
If I must go into eternity,
I'd prefer to go by the scenic route.
%
Eventually, I hope I'll learn to face death
- if I live long enough.
%
The crash of the whole solar and stellar
systems could only kill you once.

	-- Thomas Carlyle
%
Life is hard and then you die.

	-- Record Title
%
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if
it alive.
%
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."

	-- Bill Hoest
%
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of
the bread to butter.
%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look
stout in a fur coat.
%
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
%
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a
reasonable doubt.

	-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
%
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that
there's nothing to compare it with.
%
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
%
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
%
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened
to."

	-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.
It will keep you awake until noon.
%
Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right,
but there's always time to do it over.
%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%
"All my friends and I are crazy.
That's the only thing that keeps us sane."
%
Necessity is a mother.
%
Life was not meant to be easy.

	-- Malcom Fraser
%
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings
are held to discuss it.
%
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a
long time.
%
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...
a good reason and the real reason.
%
The cost of living is going up,
and the chance of living is going down.
%
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two
data points.
%
"One planet is all you get."
%
Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-
arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection
of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
%
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
%
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as
effective.
%
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
%
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?
Everything he says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything
he says will be right.

	-- G. B. Shaw
%
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with
both eyes..."
%
A penny saved is ridiculous.
%
Harvard Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other
variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game....

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
	Theorem. To wit:
		1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
		2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
		   even.
		3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit
		   the game.
%
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
%
Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
%
Don't order a drink for the road,
because the road is already laid out.

	-- Flip Wilson
%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't
cash.

	-- BO DIDDLEY
%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.
But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another
profound truth.

	-- NIELS BOHR
%
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything
has changed.

	-- SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE
%
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of
physics.
%
Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
thinking what no one else has thought.

	-- - Albert Szent-Gyorgi -
%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools
are so ingenious.

	-- Edsel Murphy, dec.
%
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin
of marvels.

	-- Goya
%
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
the wall instead of using it.

	-- Gordon R. Dickson
%
Civilization is a movement, not a condition;
it is a voyage, not a harbor.

	-- Toynbee
%
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

	-- KEN KESEY
%
The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start
thinking your work is terribly important.

	-- Milo Bloom
%
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the
one I've never tried before.

	-- MAE WEST
%
It's not whether you win or lose,
it's how good you look playing!

	-- David Lee Roth
%
College isn't the place to go for ideas.

	-- HELLEN KELLER
%
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image.
Therefore, I have to beat somebody.

	-- RICHARD M NIXON
%
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity
has its own reason for existing.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance
of magic.

	-- ARTHUR C CLARKE
%
You can't underestimate the power of fear.

	-- TRICIA NIXON
%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

	-- GROUCHO MARX
%
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want
to be when I grow up.

	-- PETER DRUCKER
%
I could prove God statistically.

	-- GEORGE GALLUP
%
Anyone can hate. It costs to love.

	-- JOHN WILLIAMSON
%
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
sweeps on to the grand fallacy.

	-- Anonymous
%
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his
ability.

	-- OSCAR WILDE
%
We are what we pretend to be.

	-- KURT VONNEGUT, JR
%
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the
stars.

	-- OSCAR WILDE
%
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the
strong -but thats the way to bet.

	-- DAMON RUNYON
%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of
space.

	-- GRAFFITI
%
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is
that it is comprehensible.

	-- ALBERT EINSTEIN
%
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate
in it.
%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it
badly.
%
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the
problem.
%
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly,
because I may be going in the wrong direction.
%
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the
task completely overwhelm me.
%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first,
and call whatever you hit the target.
%
America is the only country that went from barbarism to
decadence without civilization in between.

	-- OSCAR WILDE
%
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.

	-- John O'Hara
%
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is
no good.
%
A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.

	-- Dutch proverb
%
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western
civilization would presumably flunk it.

	-- STANLEY GARN
%
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

	-- DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
%
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

	-- PAUL ERLICH
%
Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.

	-- JOSEPH FISCHER
%
Frouds Law:
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.
%
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing,
there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

	-- ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)
%
Thoreau's Law:
	If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
	doing you good, you should run for your life.
%
Vique's Law:
	A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
%
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
	Nobody notices when things go right.
%
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

	-- CONFUCIUS
%
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.

	-- MARK TWAIN
%
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

	-- GRAFFITI
%
'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous
without ability.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you
come to brass tacks.

	-- T. S. Elliot
%
In every country and every age,
the priest has been hostile to Liberty.

	-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized
nations.

	-- Thomas Jefferson
%
You don't have to explain something you never said.

	-- Calvin Coolidge
%
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
%
I hear and I forget.
I see and I remember.
I do and I understand.

	-- Confucius
%
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
%
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to
the imagination is the plot.
%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you
have nothing more important to do.
%
Horngren's Observation:
	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
%
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times
as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end
and no responsibility at the other.
%
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think
of Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
%
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
%
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as
the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an
enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that
it is the first.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of
great leaders has been discontinued.
%
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two
thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each
other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
%
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is
catching his breath is called the listener.
%
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
%
Hatred:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
%
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something,
most people will do it every time.
%
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%
Murphy's Law is recursive.

	-- Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
%
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the
forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
%
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another.
%
Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
%
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have
imagined that virginity could be a virtue.

	-- Voltaire
%
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
%
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
wind.
%
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the
answer.
%
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but
it's very funny -- Did you ever try buying then without
money?

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School
Board.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted
to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class
management.

	-- Senator Soaper
%
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.
%
If you wants to get elected president, you've got to think
up some memorable homily so's school kids can be pestered
into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.

	-- Walt Kelly
%
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish
sometimes.

	-- Dr. Who
%
Bumper sticker: "All the parts falling off this car are of
the very finest British manufacture"
%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain
things which otherwise require harder thinking.

	-- Jerome Lettvin
%
The Kennedy Constant:

	-- Don't get mad -- get even.
%
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such
a way that you will look forward to the trip.
%
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
lobotomy.
%
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

	-- Hawkwind
%
Lysistrata had a good idea.
%
Parker's Law:

	-- Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
%
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember
that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
%
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the
newspapers.
%
Down with categorical imperative!
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are
not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not
refer to reality.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can
certainly charge it.
%
DeVries' Dilemma:
	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
	hits the paper.
%
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become
$100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police
car is probably parked.
%
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and
Statistics.

	-- Disraeli
%
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a
law.
%
H. L. Mencken's Law:
	Those who can -- do.
	Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:
	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
%
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
will want to use it.
%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake
twice without getting nervous.
%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and
rejoices that the system works.
%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more
bizarre and inexplicable.

	-- There is another theory which states that this has already
happened.

	-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left
to chance.

	-- Robert R. Coveyou
Oak Ridge National Laboratory
%
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
Too bad its not a fence.
%
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated
ambiguity that would be clearly understood."

	-- Alexander Haig
%
Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything
%
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his
legs.
%
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%
SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed
discussion.
%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

	-- Voltaire
%
You worry too much about your job. Stop it.
You are not paid enough to worry.
%
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
%
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal
means.
%
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
will not bite you. This is the principal difference between
a dog and a man.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to
be paid back.
%
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things
you know nothing about.
%
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his
passion for lists of "Ten Best".

	-- H. Allen Smith
%
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how
we wasted the morning.
%
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine
is quiet when well oiled.
%
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.

	-- Jules Feiffer
%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's
better than no government at all.
%
Adult: One old enough to know better.
%
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
%
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice
that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
%
The Roman Rule
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt
the one who is doing it.
%
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

	-- Pogo
%
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
%
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball
machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate
licorice.
%
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
%
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large
and wise as a man's head.
%
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain
dealing.
%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of
reason.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without
taking off your shoes.

	-- Mickey Mouse
%
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty
life.

	-- Eric Hoffer
%
Quia Costodiet Ipsos Custodes.
(Who will watch the Guardians)
%
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns...
He should be drawn and quoted!
%
When one does not know what to say, it is a time to be
silent.
%
When I am right nobody remembers...
When I am wrong nobody forgets!
%
If you can't tie good knots... tie many.
%
A lack of planning on your part
does not constitute an emergency on my part.
%
Your not knowing a mans purpose
does not mean he is confused.
%
What you can not avoid, Welcome.
%
Think much, Speak little, Write less.
%
Listening gives wisdom, Speaking gives repentance.
%
Yesterday is a dream,
Tomorrow is a vision,
Today is a bitch.
%
Failure teaches success.
%
It is better to keep your mouth closed
and let people think you are a fool
Than to open it an remove all doubt.

	-- Samual Clemmens
%
Give him a fish, he eats today
teach him to fish, he eats for the rest of his life.
%
Money wouldn't be so important if everybody didn't want some
%
Murphys Law: If something can go wrong...
It will, and at the worst possible time.
%
TO DO IS TO BE
Socrates
TO BE IS TO DO
Sartre
DO BE DO BE DO
Sinatra
%
Walk softly but carry a big stick.
%
God may give you seeds but he won't plant them for you.
%
When I rest, I rust.
%
A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well
than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain.
%
If they throw lemons, Make lemonade.
%
Money is round and rolls away.
%
Revenge is a dish best served cold - Klingon
%
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me!
%
Moderate riches will carry you..
if you have more, you must carry them.
%
Don't insult the alligator until after you have crossed
the river.
%
Remember when you point a finger
Three fingers are pointing at you.
%
If you do not wish a thing heard, do not say it.

	-- Klingon
%
Too many cookies will make you fat!!!
%
... The beginning of knowledge is the discovery
of something we do not understand ...

	-- Frank Herbert
%
Invention is the mother of necessity.
%
In nature there are neither rewards.
nor punishments -- there are consequences.

	-- Robert G.Ingersoll
%
We have met the enemy, and he is us.

	-- Walt Kelly
%
Sloppy, raggedy-assed old life.
I love it. I never want to die.

	-- Dennis Trudell
%
The wind and waves are always on the side of the ablest
navigators.

	-- Edward Gibbon
%
The biggest things are always the easiest
to do because there is no competition.

	-- William Van Horne
%
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve
greatly.

	-- Robert F. Kennedy
%
Back of every achievement is a proud wife,
and a surprised mother-in-law.

	-- Brooks Hays
%
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

	-- Mark Twain
%
We judge ourselves by what we feel capable
of doing, while others judge us by what we have done.

	-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

	-- Theodore Roosevelt
%
He has half the deed done who has made a beginning.

	-- Horace
%
The only way round is through.

	-- Robert Frost
%
Is there anything in life so disenchanting as attainment?

	-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
We promise according to our hopes and perform according to
our fears.

	-- La Rochefoucald
%
For a man to achieve all that is demanded
of him he must regard himself as greater than he is.

	-- Johann von Goethe
%
He that leaveth nothing to Chance will do
few things ill, but he will do very few things.

	-- George, Lord Halifax
%
When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion.

	-- Ethiopian proverb
%
Everyone must row with the oars he has.

	-- English proverb
%
God gives the nuts, but he does not crack them.

	-- German proverb
%
The world is all gates, all opportunities,
strings of tension waiting to be struck.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You
can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.

	-- David Lloyd George
%
There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that
which should not be done at all.

	-- Peter F. Drucker
%
The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence.

	-- William Blake
%
Do not show your wounded finger, for
everything will knock up against it.

	-- Baltasar Gracian
%
Trouble is only an opportunity in work clothes.

	-- Henry J. Kaiser
%
The man who is swimming against the
stream knows the strength of it.

	-- Woodrow Wilson
%
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in
moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at
times of challenge and controversy.

	-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
What does not destroy me,
makes me strong.

	-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
From a fallen tree, all make kindling.

	-- Spanish proverb
%
They say a reasonable amount o' fleas is good for a dog --
keeps him from broodin' over bein' a dog mebbe.

	-- Edward Noyes Westcott
%
The burden is equal to the horses strength.

	-- The Talmud
%
Nothing befalls a man except what is in his nature to
endure.

	-- Marcus Aurelius
%
Prosperity tries the fortunate: adversity the great.

	-- Pliny the Younger
%
When men grow virtuous in their old age,
they only make a sacrifice to God of the devil's leavings.

	-- Jonathan Swift
%
Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old
age.

	-- Victor Hugo
%
Middle age is youth without it's levity. And old age without
decay.

	-- Daniel Defoe
%
First you forget names, then you forget
faces, then you forget to pull your
zipper up, then you forget to pull your
zipper down.

	-- Leo Rosenberg
%
What makes old age so sad is not that
our joys but our hopes cease.

	-- Jean Paul Richter
%
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.

	-- Maurice Chevalier
%
Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.

	-- Soren Kierkegaard
%
Anxiety is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

	-- Dean Inge
%
Anxiety is fear of one's self.

	-- Wilhelm Stekel
%
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling
through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts
a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.

	-- Arthur Somers Roche
%
I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a
pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Grace is the absence of everything that
indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation
or incongruity.

	-- William Hazlitt
%
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we
must carry it with us or we find it not.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Beauty is everlasting, And dust is for a time.

	-- Marianne Moore
%
There is no excellent beauty that hath not
some strangeness in the proportion.

	-- Francis Bacon
%
A book is a mirror: if an ass peers into it,
you can't expect an apostle to look out.

	-- G. C. Lichtenberg
%
Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a
week.

	-- William Dean Howells
%
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.

	-- Bert Leston Taylor
%
A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude
without providing you with company.

	-- Gian Vincenzo Gravina
%
Uncertainty and mystery are energies of
life. Don't let them scare you unduly,
for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity.

	-- R. I. Fitzhenry
%
A holding company is the people you give
your money to while you're being searched.

	-- Will Rogers
%
A company is judged by the president it keeps.

	-- James Hulbert
%
The harder you work, the luckier you get.

	-- Gary Player
%
Chance is always powerful. Let your hook
be always cast. In the pool where you
least expect it, will be a fish.

	-- Ovid
%
I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day,
but no change at all ivry fifty years.

	-- Finley Peter Dunne
%
'Change' is scientific, 'progress' is ethical;
change is indubitable, whereas progress is a
matter of controversy.

	-- Bertrand Russell
%
Character is what God and the angels know of
us; reputation is what men and women think of us.

	-- Horace Mann
%
There are only two things a child will share
willingly--communicable diseases and his mother's age.

	-- Benjamin Spock
%
If Columbus had an advisory committee he
would probably still be at the dock.

	-- Justice Arthur Goldberg
%
She had lost the art of conversation, but
not, unfortunately, the power of speech.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

	-- George Benard Shaw
%
Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.

	-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
%
Watch what people are cynical about,
and one can often discover what they lack.

	-- George S. Patton
%
One man with courage makes a majority.

	-- Andrew Jackson
%
He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay.

	-- Charles Edwin Carruthers
%
To escape criticism -- do nothing,
say nothing, be nothing.

	-- Elbert Hubbard
%
When a hundred men stand together, each
of them loses his mind and gets another one.

	-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.

	-- Johann von Goethe
%
Half the work that is done in the world is
to make things appear what they are not.

	-- E. R. Beadle
%
I give you bitter pills in sugar coating.
The pills are harmless: the poison is in the sugar.

	-- Stanislaw Lec
%
To lose
Is to learn.

	-- Anon.
%
What is defeat? Nothing but education,
nothing but the first step toward something better.

	-- Wendell Phillips
%
Intelligence appears to be the thing that
enables a man to get along without an
education. Education appears to be the
thing that enables a man to get along
without the use of his intelligence.

	-- A. E. Wiggan
%
A university is what a college becomes when
the faculty loses interest in students.

	-- John Ciardi
%
Education with inert ideas is not only
useless; it is above all things harmful.

	-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.

	-- George Santayana
%
Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting
of a fire.

	-- William Butler Yeats
%
The ultimate goal of the educational system
is to shift to the individual the burden of
pursuing his education.

	-- John W. Gardner
%
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from
his friends.

	-- Baltasar Gracian
%
You can discover what your enemy fears most
by observing the means he uses to frighten you.

	-- Eric Hoffer
%
There is nothing I'm afraid of like scared people.

	-- Robert Frost
%
The scalded cat fears even cold water.

	-- Thomas Fuller
%
An adult is a deteriorated child.

	-- Anon.
%
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

	-- Mae West
%
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

	-- Lord Acton
%
A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

	-- Joey Adams
%
Success has made failures of many men.

	-- Cindy Adams
%
It is easier to fight for one's principles than live up to
them.

	-- Alfred Adler
%
I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of
humour.

	-- Edward Albee
%
Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.

	-- Conte Vittorio Alfieri
%
A conference is
a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done.

	-- Fred Allen
%
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to
buy anything is last year.

	-- Marty Allen
%
When policy fails try thinking.

	-- American Business Maxim
%
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

	-- American Proverb
%
Every nation sincerely desires peace;
and all nations pursue courses which if persisted in,
must make peace impossible.

	-- Sir Norman Angell
%
A synonym is the word you use when you can't spell the right
one and therefore can't find it in the dictionary.

	-- Anon
%
Among civilized nations reason has always been an
occupational hazard.

	-- Anon
%
Wisdom is knowing when you cannot be wise.

	-- Anon
%
Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

	-- Anon
%
Wit is cultured insolence.

	-- Aristotle
%
The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness,
and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere
survival.

	-- Aristotle
%
That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.

	-- Neil Armstrong
%
Lord give me chastity - but not yet.

	-- Saint Augustine
%
Rebellions of the belly are the worst.

	-- Francis Bacon
%
Virtue, perhaps, is nothing more than politeness of soul.

	-- Honore de Balzac
%
Every man has a right to be wrong in his opinions.
But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts.

	-- Bernard Baruch
%
To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.

	-- Simone de Beauvoir
%
For those who like this sort of thing,
this is the sort of thing they like.

	-- Max Beerbohm
%
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

	-- Robert Benchley
%
Defining and analyzing humour is a pastime of humorless
people.

	-- Robert Benchley
%
Religion: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to
Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they
are, not as they ought to be.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Prophecy: The art and practice of selling one's credibility
for future delivery.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of
another.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Don't put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today.

	-- Josh Billings
%
Remember the poor - it costs nothing.

	-- Josh Billings
%
Solitude: A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay.

	-- Josh Billings. (Henry Wheeler Shaw)
%
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

	-- Arthur Bloch
%
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

	-- Neils Bohr
%
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can
be made, in a narrow field.

	-- Niels Bohr. Danish physicist
%
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

	-- John Buchan
%
Never do today what you can do tomorrow. Something may occur
to make you regret your premature action.

	-- Aaron Burr
%
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

	-- Samuel Butler
%
Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from
insufficient premises.

	-- Samuel Butler
%
In time of war the first casualty is truth.

	-- Boake Carter
%
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

	-- M. de Cervantes
%
Chess is about as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as
you could find anywhere outside an advertising agency.

	-- Raymond Chandler
%
I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and
German to my horse.

	-- Charles V
%
A puritan is a person who pours righteous indignation into
the wrong things.

	-- G.K. Chesterton
%
I prefer old age to the alternative.

	-- Maurice Chevalier
%
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I
understand.

	-- Chinese Proverb
%
How pleasant it is to have money.

	-- Arthur Hugh Clough
%
Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls
wisdom.

	-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.

	-- Charles Caleb Colton
%
What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.

	-- Confucius
%
Co-existence - what the farmer does with the turkey
until Thanksgiving.

	-- Mike Connolly
%
A good memory is needed after one has lied.

	-- Pierre Corneille
%
We triumph without glory when we conquer without danger.

	-- Pierre Corneille
%
No man is a hero to his valet.

	-- Anne-Marie Bigot de Cornuel
%
Life is an incurable disease.

	-- Abraham Cowley
%
I love you, not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you.

	-- Roy Croft
%
Cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am.

	-- Rene Descartes
%
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk
and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

	-- Phyllis Diller
%
Everything that can be invented has been invented.

	-- Director of the US Patent Office 1899
%
My idea of an agreeable person, is a person who agrees with
me.

	-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
A poet in history is divine, but a poet in the next room is
a joke.

	-- Max Eastman
%
Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent
perspiration.

	-- Thomas A. Edison
%
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the
signal.

	-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
Humankind cannot bear very much reality.

	-- T.S. Eliot
%
All mankind love a lover.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
A great part of courage is the courage
of having done the thing before.

	-- R.W. Emerson
%
Commit a crime, and the earth is made of glass.
There is no such thing as concealment.

	-- R.W. Emerson
%
In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.

	-- R.W. Emerson
%
When it is dark enough you can see the stars.

	-- R.W. Emerson
%
Love of beauty is Taste...The creation of beauty is Art.

	-- R.W. Emerson
%
The end of the human race is that it will die of
civilization.

	-- R.W. Emerson
%
Weed - a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.

	-- R.W. Emerson
%
There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to
get him asleep.

	-- R.W. Emerson
%
He that would the daughter win, Must with the mother first
begin.

	-- English Proverb
%
In the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king.

	-- Desiderius Erasmus
%
There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful
woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices
me.

	-- John Erskine
%
He talked with more claret than clarity.

	-- Susan Ertz
%
Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

	-- E. Esar
%
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a
wealthy widow.

	-- E. Esar
%
Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad.

	-- Euripides
%
When a woman behaves like a man why doesn't she behave like
a nice man.

	-- Dame Edith Evans
%
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.

	-- David Everett
%
Passions are fashions.

	-- Clifton Fadiman
%
...the difference between town and country is mostly the
view.

	-- Nan Fairbrother
%
The people came to realize that wealth is not the fruit of
labour but the result of organized protected robbery.

	-- Frantz Fanon
%
The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift - is taxes.

	-- W. Feather
%
Men just don't seem to jump off the bridge for big reasons;
they usually do so for little ones.

	-- W.H. Ferry
%
I used to worry about what life was for - now being alive
seems sufficient reason.

	-- Joanna Field
%
Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

	-- W.C. Fields
%
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

	-- W.C. Fields
%
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

	-- W.C. Fields
%
Stop the world...Nixon wants to get back on!

	-- David Fisher
%
An author ought to write for the youth of his own
generation, the critics of the next, and the schoolmaster of
ever afterwards.

	-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%
A big man has no time really to do anything but just sit and
be big.

	-- Francis Scott Fitzgerald
%
The victor belongs to the spoils.

	-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%
Fitzgerald: The rich are different from us.
Hemingway: Yes, they have more money.

	-- F.Scott Fitzgerald
%
The bigger they come the harder they fall.

	-- Robert Prometheus Fitzsimmons
%
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small
jobs.

	-- Henry Ford
%
One of the greatest labour-saving inventions of today is
tomorrow.

	-- Vincent T. Foss
%
In every well-governed state wealth is a sacred thing; in
democracies it is the ONLY sacred thing.

	-- Anatole France
%
In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of
profile that looks good on a postage stamp.

	-- B.B. Franklin
%
If a lie is repeated often enough all the dumb jackasses in
the world not only get to believe it, they even swear by it.

	-- B.B. Franklin
%
Clothe an idea in words and it loses its freedom of
movement.

	-- Egon Friedell
%
As we ascend the social ladder, viciousness wears a thicker
mask.

	-- Erich Fromm
%
The successful revolutionary is a statesman,
the unsuccessful one a criminal.

	-- Erich Fromm
%
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday
but never remembers her age.

	-- Robert Frost
%
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has
the better lawyer.

	-- Robert Frost
%
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that
more people worry than work.

	-- Robert Frost
%
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work,
the rest willing to let them.

	-- Robert Frost
%
Faith is much better than belief.
Belief is when someone ELSE does the thinking.

	-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is
almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%
Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.

	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%
I am a marvellous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%
Talk of revolution is one of avoiding reality.

	-- J.K. Galbraith
%
There is nothing so fatal to character as half-finished
tasks.

	-- David Lloyd George
%
A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.

	-- German Proverb
%
If you can actually count your money
then you are not really a rich man.

	-- Paul Getty
%
Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of
hope.

	-- Arnold Glasow
%
All things are only transitory.

	-- Goethe
%
When an idea is wanting a word can always be found to take
its place.

	-- J.W. von Goethe
%
Everything in the world may be endured except continual
prosperity.

	-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
If you steal something small you are a petty thief,
but if you steal millions you are a gentleman of society.

	-- Greek Proverb
%
By the act of marriage you endorse all the ancient and dead
values. You endorse things like monogamy. Lifelong monogamy
is a maniacal idea.

	-- Germaine Greer
%
Nature didn't make us perfect so she did the next best
thing. She made us blind to our faults.

	-- Grit
%
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.

	-- Charles H. Grosvenor
%
There are some who start their retirement long before they
stop working.

	-- Robert Half
%
Actually, I'm an overnight success. But it took twenty
years.

	-- Monty Hall
%
Nobody can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has
just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own.

	-- Sydney Harris
%
Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.

	-- William Hazlitt
%
Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity a greater.

	-- William Hazlitt
%
What's not worth doing is not worth doing well.

	-- Don Hebb
%
Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the
greatest violence.

	-- Hebrew Proverb
%
They told me it would disrupt my life less if I got killed
sooner.

	-- Joseph Heller
%
Courage is grace under pressure.

	-- Ernest Hemingway
%
But in modern war...you will die like a dog for no good
reason.

	-- Ernest Hemingway
%
All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they
had really happened.

	-- Ernest Hemingway
%
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But
beautiful women don't need to know about men.
It's the men who have to know about beautiful women.

	-- Katherine Hepburn
%
Only the young die good.

	-- Oliver Herford
%
Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned at
leisure.

	-- Oliver Herford
%
Racism is man's gravest threat to man -
the maximum of hatred for a minimum of reason.

	-- Abraham Joshua Heschel
%
Many people have played themselves to death.
Many people have eaten and drunk themselves to death.
Nobody ever thought himself to death.

	-- Gilbert Highet
%
There is nothing women hate so much as to see men
selfishly enjoying themselves without the solace of feminine
society.

	-- Katharine Tynan Hinkson
%
To do nothing is also a good remedy.

	-- Hippocrates
%
A good film is when the price of the dinner,
the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.

	-- Alfred Hitchcock
%
We stand for the maintenance of private property.

	-- Adolf Hitler
%
The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.

	-- Adolf Hitler
%
The day of individual happiness has passed.

	-- Adolf Hitler
%
The great masses of the people will more easily fall victims
to a big lie than to a small one.

	-- Adolf Hitler
%
Truth is with the victor -
who, as you know, also controls the historians.

	-- Rolf Hochhuth
%
The best way I know of to win an argument is
to start by being in the right.

	-- Quentin Hogg
%
Every calling is great when greatly pursued.

	-- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
%
I think I am better than the people who are trying to reform
me.

	-- E.W. Howe
%
If you suffer, thank God! - it is a sure sign that you are
alive.

	-- Elbert Hubbard
%
An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will
be postponed.

	-- Kin Hubbard
%
A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman as bad as she
dares.

	-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Polygamy: An endeavour to get more out of life than there is
in it.

	-- Elbert Hubbard
%
If there is anything a public servant hates to do
it's something for the public.

	-- Kin Hubbard
%
When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of
the thing, it's the money.

	-- Kin Hubbard
%
Humour is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to
have it.

	-- Langston Hughes
%
Habit is the nursery of errors.

	-- Victor Hugo
%
A woman has to be twice as good as a man to go half as far.

	-- Fannie Hurst
%
The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon,
but only to hold a man's foot long enough to put the other
somewhat higher.

	-- Thomas Huxley
%
I am ignorant and impotent and yet, somehow or other,
here I am unhappy, no doubt, profoundly dissatisfied... In
spite of everything I survive.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
Science commits suicide when it adopts a creed.

	-- Thomas Henry Huxley
%
Several excuses are always less convincing than one.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
In practical life, the woman is judged by man's law,
as if she were a man, not a woman.

	-- Henrik Ibsen
%
Originality is undetected plagiarism.

	-- Dean W.R. Inge
%
Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them.

	-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
The nation that is richest in proverbs (Spain) is the one
that has proved itself the least wise in action.

	-- Joseph Jacobs
%
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to
overlook.

	-- William James
%
For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners; for
him really to understand them is bad morals.

	-- Henry James
%
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be
appreciated.

	-- William James
%
To teach is to learn.

	-- Japanese Proverb
%
If you understand everything, you must be misinformed.

	-- Japanese Proverb
%
Put three grains of sand inside a vast cathedral,
and the cathedral will be more closely packed with sand than
space is with stars.

	-- Sir James Jeans
%
Your manuscript is both good and original;
but the part that is good is not original,
and the part that is original is not good.

	-- Samuel Johnson
%
What is written without effort is in general read without
pleasure.

	-- Samuel Johnson
%
Classical quotation is the parole of literary men all over
the world.

	-- Samuel Johnson
%
The applause of a single human being is of great
consequence.

	-- Samuel Johnson
%
He knows not his own strength that hath not met adversity.
Ben Jonson
%
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

	-- Franz Kafka
%
You do not destroy an idea by killing people;
you replace it with a better one.

	-- Edward Keating
%
Beauty is truth, truth beauty.

	-- John Keats
%
It is much safer to obey than to rule.

	-- Thomas A. Kempis
%
Verily, when the day of judgment comes,
we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have
done.

	-- Thomas A. Kempis
%
We have the power to make this the best generation of
mankind in the history of the world - or to make it the last.

	-- John F. Kennedy
%
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make
violent revolution inevitable.

	-- John F. Kennedy
%
There are three sides to every story -
yours, mine, and all that lie between.

	-- Jody Kern
%
Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by
mankind.

	-- Rudyard Kipling
%
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

	-- Rudyard Kipling
%
He travels the fastest who travels alone.

	-- Rudyard Kipling
%
The silliest woman can manage a clever man;
but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.

	-- Rudyard Kipling
%
We cannot unthink unless we are insane.

	-- Arthur Koestler
%
Scientists are Peeping Toms at the keyhole of eternity.

	-- Arthur Koestler
%
Television:
A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

	-- Ernie Kovacs
%
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.

	-- Joseph Wood Krutch
%
Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength.
Charles Lamb
%
Nothing puzzles me more than time and space,
and yet nothing puzzles me less, for I never think about
them.

	-- Charles Lamb
%
Levity is the soul of wit.

	-- Melville D. Landon. (Eli Perkins)
%
By 1960 work will be limited to three hours a day.

	-- John Langdon-Davies. A Short History of the Future 1936
%
People don't ask for facts in making up their minds.
They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than
a dozen facts.

	-- Robert Keith Leavitt
%
At the beginning there was the Word - at the end just the
Cliche.

	-- Stanislaw J. Lec
%
Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the
problem of pleasing men. Some are married.

	-- Emma Lee
%
It's easier to be original and foolish than original and
wise.

	-- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
%
A pun is the lowest form of humour -
when you don't think of it first.

	-- Oscar Levant
%
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is
suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

	-- Aaron Levenstein
%
Statistics - figures used as arguments.

	-- Leonard Louis Levinson
%
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly
as the joke he resents.

	-- G.C. Lichtenberg
%
Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one.

	-- A.J. Liebling
%
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see
themselves.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
The ballot is stronger than the bullet.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
You can fool all the people some of the time,
and some of the people all the time,
but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Where all men think alike, no one thinks very much.

	-- Walter Lippmann
%
I have always thought the actions of men the best
interpreters of their thoughts.

	-- John Locke
%
This organization (the United Nations) is created to prevent
you from going to hell.
It isn't created to take you to heaven.

	-- Henry Cabot Lodge
%
The ignorant man always adores what he cannot understand.

	-- Cesare Lombroso
%
Truth in science can be defined as the working hypothesis
best suited to open the way to the next better one.

	-- Konrad Lorenz
%
While doubt stands still, confidence can erect a skyscraper.
George Lorimer
%
By virtue we merely mean the avoidance of the vices that do
not attract us.

	-- Robert Lynd
%
In war there is no substitute for victory.

	-- Douglas MacArthur
%
It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.

	-- Niccolo Machiavelli
%
An optimist is a guy who has never had much experience.

	-- Don Marquis
%
From each according to his abilities,
to each according to his needs.

	-- Karl Marx
%
Religion is the opiate of the masses.

	-- Karl Marx
%
Impropriety is the soul of wit.

	-- Somerset Maugham
%
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

	-- William G. McAdoo
%
A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about
himself and then says them about other people.

	-- Peter McArthur
%
Many are saved from sin by being so inept at it.

	-- Mignon McLaughlin
%
If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so
anxious.

	-- Mignon McLaughlin
%
Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.

	-- Margaret Mead. American anthropologist
%
I try all things; I achieve what I can.

	-- Herman Melville
%
In adversity a man is saved by hope.

	-- Menander
%
Conscience
is the inner voice which warns us that someone might be
looking.

	-- H.L. Mencken
%
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters
shaking hands.

	-- H.L. Mencken
%
No one ever went broke
underestimating the taste of the American public.

	-- H.L. Mencken
%
Men have a much better time of it than women: for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

	-- H.L. Mencken
%
Don't overestimate the decency of the human race.

	-- H.L. Mencken
%
On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both
distrust women.

	-- H.L. Mencken
%
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may
be happy.

	-- H.L. Mencken
%
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence
and yet keep both ears to the ground.

	-- H.L. Mencken
%
Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can
accomplish.

	-- Michelangelo
%
He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of
that.

	-- J.S. Mill
%
We do not talk - we bludgeon one another with facts
and theories gleaned from cursory readings of newspapers,
magazines and digests.

	-- Henry Miller
%
Better to reign in hell than serve in heav'n.

	-- John Milton
%
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

	-- Wilson Mizner
%
When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism;
but when you take it from many writers, it's research.

	-- Wilson Mizner
%
Having a daughter is like riding a young horse
over an unknown steeplechase course.
You don't know when to pull up the reins,
when to let the horse have the head ... or what.

	-- Princess Grace of Monaco
%
I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a
woman in it.

	-- Marilyn Monroe
%
A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.

	-- Marilyn Monroe
%
I give myself sometimes admirable advice,
but I am incapable of taking it.

	-- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
%
Civility costs nothing, and buys everything.

	-- Mary Wortley Montagu
%
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

	-- C.E. Montague
%
We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge,
but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom.

	-- Michel de Montaigne
%
Marriage is like a cage;
one sees the birds outside desperate to get in,
and those inside equally desperate to get out.

	-- Michel de Montaigne. French writer
%
Every man who possesses power is impelled to abuse it.

	-- Baron de La Brede et de Montesquieu
%
After all there is but one race - humanity.

	-- George Moore
%
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when
you take your eyes off the goal.

	-- Hannah More
%
There is only one success,
to be able to spend your life in your own way.

	-- Christopher Morley
%
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.

	-- John Viscount Morley
%
Economy: Cutting down other people's wages.

	-- J.B. Morton
%
If the nation's economists were laid end to end,
they would point in all directions.

	-- Arthur H. Motley
%
Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for
solutions.

	-- Edward R. Murrow
%
When you win, nothing hurts.

	-- Joe Namath
%
If you wish to be a success in the world,
promise everything, deliver nothing.

	-- Napoleon
%
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.

	-- Napoleon
%
Lack of will power has caused more failure than lack of
intelligence or ability.

	-- Flower A. Newhouse
%
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

	-- Howard W. Newton
%
The thoughtless are rarely wordless.

	-- Howard W. Newton
%
If I have been able to see farther than others,
it was because I stood on the shoulders of giants.

	-- Sir Isaac Newton
%
One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live
proudly.

	-- F. Nietzsche
%
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.

	-- F. Nietzsche
%
Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth -
to see it like it is, and tell it like it is -
to find the truth, to speak the truth, and live the truth.

	-- Richard M. Nixon. Accepting the presidential nomination in
1968
%
The right man, in the right place, at the right time -
can steal millions.

	-- Gregory Nunn
%
The man who has not anything to boast of but
his illustrious ancestors is like a potato -
the only good belonging to him is underground.

	-- Sir Thomas Overbury
%
The two most beautiful words in the English language are:
'Cheque enclosed.'

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for
curiosity.

	-- Ellen Parr
%
Justice without force is powerless;
force without justice is tyrannical.

	-- Blaise Pascal
%
Never tell people 'how' to do things.
Tell them 'what' to do
and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

	-- General George S. Patton
%
Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.

	-- Irene Peter
%
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow
why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

	-- Laurence J. Peter
%
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but
forgetting where you heard it.

	-- Laurence Peter. Canadian writer
%
Exigencies create the necessary ability to meet and conquer
them.

	-- Wendell Phillips
%
Necessity is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of
slaves.

	-- William Pitt the Younger
%
I don't need a friend who changes when I change
and who nods when I nod;
my shadow does that much better.

	-- Plutarch
%
Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.

	-- Alexander Pope
%
To attack a man for talking nonsense
is like finding your mortal enemy drowning in a swamp
and jumping in after him with a knife.

	-- Karl Popper
%
There is a remedy for everything; it is called death.

	-- Portuguese Proverb
%
They talk most who have the least to say.

	-- Matthew Prior
%
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.

	-- Scottish Proverb
%
Actions speak louder than words.

	-- Proverb
%
Advice is least heeded when most needed.

	-- Proverb
%
He who would leap high must take a long run.

	-- Proverb
%
Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.

	-- Proverb
%
Take off your hat to your yesterdays;
take off your coat for your tomorrows.

	-- Proverb
%
The world is divided into men who accomplish things and
those who get all the credit.

	-- Proverb
%
What worth has beauty if it be not seen?

	-- Proverb
%
When saving for old age, be sure to put away a few pleasant
thoughts.

	-- Proverb
%
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.

	-- Dan Rather
%
Politics is not a bad profession.
If you succeed there are many rewards,
if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

	-- Ronald Reagan
%
Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express
emotion.

	-- Kate Reid
%
My father, a good man, told me, 'Never lose your ignorance;
you cannot replace it.'

	-- Erich Maria Remarque
%
I am not sincere, not even when I say I am not.

	-- Jules Renard
%
Writing is the only profession
where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

	-- Jules Renard
%
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was
when he was small,
and only half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

	-- Rebecca Richards
%
The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing.

	-- Sir Ralph Richardson
%
Men, like bullets, go farthest when they are smoothest.

	-- Jean Paul Richter
%
If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind,
give it more thought.

	-- Dennis Roch
%
It's easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.

	-- Francois Duc de La Rochefoucauld
%
We wish to attract praise to ourselves even as we seem to be
praising others.

	-- Duc de La Rochefoucauld
%
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by
it.

	-- Duc de La Rochefoucauld
%
It is easier to appear worthy of a position one does not
hold, than of the office which one fills.

	-- Duc de La Rochefoucauld
%
Wit sometimes enables us to act rudely with impunity.

	-- Duc de La Rochefoucauld
%
We always love those who admire us,
but we do not always love those whom we admire.

	-- Duc de La Rochefoucauld
%
There's no trick to being a humorist when
you have the whole government working for you.

	-- Will Rogers
%
Politics ain't worrying this country one-tenth as much as
where to find a parking space.

	-- Will Rogers
%
The most successful politician is he who says what everybody
is thinking most often and in the loudest voice.

	-- Theodore Roosevelt
%
Foreign Aid - taxing poor people in rich countries
for the benefit of rich people in poor countries.

	-- Bernard Rosenberg
%
A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women
and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.

	-- Helen Rowland. American journalist
%
The saying that beauty is but skin deep is but a skin deep
saying.

	-- John Ruskin
%
A dress makes no sense
unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.

	-- Francoise Sagan
%
Skepticism, like chastity should not be relinquished too
readily.

	-- George Santayana
%
There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper
sticker.

	-- Charles M. Schulz
%
The true worth of a man is not to be found in man himself,
but in the colours and textures that come alive in others.

	-- Albert Schweitzer
%
Life without the courage for death is slavery.

	-- Seneca
%
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

	-- Seneca
%
When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm even
better.

	-- Mae West
%
Brevity is the soul of wit.

	-- William Shakespeare
%
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars
but in ourselves.

	-- William Shakespeare
%
My method is to take the utmost trouble
to find the right thing to say,
and then to say it with the utmost levity.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Peace is not only better than war, but infinitely more
arduous.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend upon the support of Paul.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Every person who has mastered a profession is a skeptic
concerning it.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto
you. Their tastes may not be the same.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Men have to do some awfully mean things
to keep up their respectability.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior
to all others because you were born in it.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic
is no more to the point than the fact than
a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Any event, once it has occurred,
can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.

	-- Lee Simonson
%
Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention.

	-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
%
It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing
because you can do only a little. Do what you can.

	-- Sydney Smith
%
The ability to accept responsibility is the measure of the
man.

	-- Roy L. Smith
%
Remember when we all wanted to look like Elizabeth Taylor?
Well, now I do.

	-- Carrie Snow
%
Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope.

	-- C.P. Snow
%
Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.

	-- Socrates
%
Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
and philosophy begins in wonder.

	-- Socrates
%
Time: That which man is always trying to kill,
but which ends in killing him.

	-- Herbert Spencer
%
Rest: Death after life.

	-- Edmund Spenser
%
If you want a thing well done, do it yourself.
Charles Haddon Spurgeon
%
Power, after love, is the first source of happiness.

	-- Stendhal
%
Man does not live by words alone,
despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

	-- Adlai Stevenson
%
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff
and prints the chaff.

	-- Adlai Stevenson
%
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
%
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
-- Carl Sandburg
%
(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y"
in it.
%
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of
man he is ..."
%
The optimum committee has no members.
-- Norman Augustine
%
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal
disease.
%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
%
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to
live elsewhere.
%
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
hammer or get a splinter in it.
%
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able
to say it.
%
Aquadextrous, adj.:
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
with your toes.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Impartial, adj.:
Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of
two conflicting opinions.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Critic, n.:
A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody
tries to please him.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:

	-- Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
equipment ruined.
%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the
negatives at any price.
%
Miksch's Law:
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
%
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

	-- Jeff Berner
%
Don't be humble, you're not that great.

	-- Golda Meir
%
Etymology, n.:
Some early etymological scholars come up with
derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The
term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"),
the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant
"the study of things that are hard to swallow."

	-- Mike Kellen
%
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as
much as a week sometimes to make it up."

	-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
%
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would
just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
%
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach
you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
%
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant
from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to
hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
%
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
%
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."

	-- Andrew W. Mathis
%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need
the first and last month in advance.
%
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good
enough for me!"
-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
%
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
%
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
%
When two people are under the influence of the most violent,
most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions,
they are required to swear that they will remain in that
excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously
until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw
%
If anything can go wrong, it will.
%
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You
get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.

	-- Lauren Bacall
%
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to
marry my sister.
%
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a
bad check.
2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which
is attracted to dark objects.
%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a
managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.--
The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
%
If you're happy, you're successful.
%
Actor:"I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act,
I had everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think
of it!"
%
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
satisfying as an income tax refund.
-- F. J. Raymond
%
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
%
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income
tax.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
%
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
%
A CONS is an object which cares.

	-- Bernie Greenberg.
%
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
%
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy
actors.
%
The English have no respect for their language, and will not
teach their children to speak it.

	-- G. B. Shaw
%
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
%
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two
cats. -- Ben Franklin
%
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
%
It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your
parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want
you all to themselves and because in the presence of your
friend, they will have to act like mature human beings ...

	-- Playboy, January 1983
%
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
%
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
%
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
%
Idiot, n.:
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in
human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.--
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
%
Nothing recedes like success.

	-- Walter Winchell
%
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the
responsibility for its termination on someone else
(i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).
%
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he
loves the flag.
%
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out
what you're up to.
%
I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and
Aquarians don't believe in astrology.

	-- James R. F. Quirk
%
The marvels of today's modern technology include the
development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever
... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust
out in two or three years.
%
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately
unrehearsed.

	-- Sean O'Casey
%
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel
better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.--

	-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine
print taketh away.
%
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for
economists.

	-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would
destroy civilization.
%
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I
said I didn't know.

	-- Mark Twain
%
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
%
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time
to get up.
%
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
%
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

	-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

	-- Joe Walsh
%
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
%
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".
Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

	-- Mark Twain
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar
watch from Julian to Gregorian."
%
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
%
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer
in schools will be temporarily canceled.
%
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of
accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
%
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
%
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. --
Herb Caen
%
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
%
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the
true test is admission to someone else.
%
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what
we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
%
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on
Fire.
%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election
by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

	-- G.B. Shaw
%
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
%
Garter, n.:
An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
her stockings and desolating the country.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful,
give me a call.
%
Think honk if you're a telepath.
%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
%
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
You're at the end of the road again.
%
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling
investment of fact.

	-- Mark Twain
%
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
%
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if
you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
%
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT
write.
%
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a
strange protein -- it rejects it.

	-- P. Medawar
%
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.

	-- M.C. Reed.
%
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
%
Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
%
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd
sell the plantation and go home.
-- Eugene P. Gallagher
%
Chicago, n.:
Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
%
Character Density: the number of very weird people in the
office.
%
A person is just about as big as the things that make them
angry.
%
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
%
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. --
G. K. Chesterton
%
Truthful, adj.:
Dumb and illiterate.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.

	-- Kronecker
%
"A witty saying proves nothing."

	-- Voltaire
%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't
eat much.
%
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than
forgiveness for being right.
%
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a
while.
%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
%
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
-- Edgar A. Shoaff
%
Pig, n.:
An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human
race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which,
however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Genius, n.:
A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
"bright".
%
Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be
smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to
lose interest.
%
Gold, n.:
A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.
It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it
to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in
great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
%
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of
them to choose from.

	-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
%
"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"

	-- "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do
to food, right?"

	-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
%
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"
%
What I want is all of the power and none of the
responsibility.
%
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise
that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had
thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the
exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life
from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my
own programs.

	-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
%
Important letters which contain no errors will develop
errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the
duplicate while the Boss is reading it.
%
No good deed goes unpunished.
-- Clare Boothe Luce
%
You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun
than you can with just a kind word.

	-- Bumper Sticker
%
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in
front of your eyes.
%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80
characters.
%
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
%
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal
oneself.

	-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few
days.
%
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his
attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN.

	-- Alan Perlis
%
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
%
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.

	-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
Benjamin Disraeli
%
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.

	-- R. A. Lafferty
%
He who Laughs, Lasts.
%
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

	-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
Never eat more than you can lift.

	-- Miss Piggy
%
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when
you're guessing.
%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to
fight for freedom and liberty.

	-- Henrick Ibson
%
Manual, n.:
A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
information you need in in the others.
Ray Simard
%
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to
rent it.
%
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
%
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like
unrequited love.

	-- Charlie Brown
%
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that
fellow behind the tree."
Russell Long
%
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have
its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will
cease to be popular.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with
your mate's new lover.
%
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time,
fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the
naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic
cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the
wife who wants him home by five, of course.

	-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
%
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with
an aardvark
%
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:

	-- Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better
dead.
%
The fact that it works is immaterial.

	-- L. Ogborn
%
ADA, n.:
Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better
develop an ADA awareness."
%
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did,
you'd be out of a job.
%
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone,
but they've always worked for me.

	-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
situation.
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
%
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a
psychopath to your door.
%
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
%
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would
allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

	-- John Barrymore's dying words
%
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or
Rogue.
%
What I tell you three times is true.
%
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you
to stop writing.

	-- R. Geis
%
Everything you know is wrong!
%
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
Walt Kelly
%
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
%
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't
a horse.
%
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to
get out.
%
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier
to program in than some that do.
Dennis M. Ritchie
%
The Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
%
... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international
anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick
succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to
stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even
better, nobody has to play it.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like
independent thinkers.
%
Kin, n.:
An affliction of the blood
%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
%
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what
value there may be in owning a piece thereof.

	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
%
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one,
but may revitalize the corner saloon.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Some points to remember [about animals]:

	-- 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants,
rhinoceri, hippopotamuses;
2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down
the front of your clothes;
3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and
scorpions ordogs you have just kicked.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into
a committee -- that will do them in.
%
Egotist, n.:
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social
collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The
best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to
go elsewhere.
Robert Heinlein
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours
today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be
foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus.
%
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it
doesn't get any worse.
%
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
%
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man
who is playing golf with his boss.
%
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
%
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have
studied harder.

	-- Pope John Paul I
%
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
%
Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to
the number and significance of any persons watching it.
%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Dykstra
%
O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
%
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.
%
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
%
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
%
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of
course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a
period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in
supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is
only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked
about.
Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
%
Actor: So what do you do for a living?
Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow
serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.
Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
Alan Perlis
%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%
Commitment, n.:
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
%
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
%
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally
you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty
annoying virtues.

	-- Elizabeth Taylor
%
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"

	-- Time Bandits
%
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from
betting on people.

	-- W. C. Fields
%
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I
looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

	-- Woody Allen
%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of
others.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an
important point to the consumer in this day when
individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.
Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
%
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to
complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four
times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the
planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
%
SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer
analysts.
%
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
%
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a
parrot.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
%
Grelb's Reminder:

	-- Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
%
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.
The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could
drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done
it.

	-- Andy Rooney
%
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting
things.
%
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a
tantrum.
%
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

	-- Abbie Hoffman
%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable
term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs
per fortnight.
%
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around
for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
%
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any
of them.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle
sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings
about city and intercept."
%
I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's
business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the
female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like
a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not
behind.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with
knitting needles.

	-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
%
Collaboration, n.:
A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
other fellow can spell.
%
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system
guru to Dayton?
Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
%
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong
impulse to see it tried on him personally.
A. Lincoln
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are
not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not
refer to reality.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is
that science requires reasoning while those other subjects
merely require scholarship.

	-- Robert Heinlein
%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
%
Harris's Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting
things off. That's why you'll never make anything of
yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
%
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. --
Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
%
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him
Feet.
%
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In
that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

	-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or
FORTRAN.
%
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Euripides
%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the
President but is always polite to traffic cops.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The
quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
%
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
%
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates
philogyny.
%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a
huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that
doesn't look like an elephant.
%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.-

	-- Charles McCabe
%
Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
they will find an easier way to do it.
%
If only I could be respected without having to be
respectable.
%
Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
use functions for scratch space after they are finished
calling them?
%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
%
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
%
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.

	-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
There is no time like the present for postponing what you
ought to be doing.
%
Law of Communications:
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged
communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a
vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
%
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his
feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston
Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying
out because the female padanga doesn't take it too
seriously.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Taxes, n.:
Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
an extension.
%
Paul's Law:
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much
you save.
%
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a
large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

	-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Birth, n.:
The first and direst of all disasters.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in
Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on
anything for the layman.
%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer
you will find at least two human errors, including the error
of blaming it on the computer.
%
Goto, n.:
A programming tool that exists to allow structured
programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.

	-- Ray Simard
%
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so
in our programming languages.
%
There are three ways to get something done:
1. Do it yourself.
2. Hire someone to do it for you.
3. Forbid your kids to do it.
%
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone
else.
%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend
money, as well as afterward.
%
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he
almost deserved it."
C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.

	-- Gigo
%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the
English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes
from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg",
meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from.

	-- To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if
they are in season, eggs...
%
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to
free his hands for masturbation."

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
%
Schapiro's Explanation:
The grass is always greener on the other side -- but
that's because they use more manure.
%
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
%
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

	-- Art Leo
%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes
instead of old ones.
%
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf
won't get much sleep.

	-- Woody Allen
%
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
%
There's no future in time travel.
%
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
%
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in
the wrong direction.
%
GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy
praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves
a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the
men's room.
%
Hardware, n.:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must
afterwards be always old-fashioned.
%
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be
educational.

	-- Charles Schulz
%
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
actual life, you would have received further instructions as
to what to do and where to go.
%
Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
%
... And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man

	-- A. E. Housman
%
... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the
cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and
nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains
looming up ahead ...

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult
off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes
eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the
phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make
sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects ...
%
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto
a freeway.
%
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Stult's Report:
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now
is fight the solutions.
%
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or
a half loop?
%
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates
can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30
seconds.
%
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
%
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:

	-- Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or
"Director of Corporate Planning."
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from a rigged demo.
%
People who claim they don't let little things bother them
have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
%
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
%
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write
"very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be
just as it should be.

	-- Mark Twain
%
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by
spectacular error.

	-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly
proportional to ..... to ........ uh ..............
%
Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion
coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.
People tend to change into lizards and attack without
warning, and large bats usually fly in the window.
Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have
windows.
%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to
the stupidity of your action.
%
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
%
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play,"
never find the time for play?
%
Bug:
Small living things that small living boys throw on small
living girls.
%
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks
while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of
the ant soar as high as the eagle?
%
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him
as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase
the question back at him.
%
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
%
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund
when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the
moon.
%
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are
is no good.
%
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"

	-- Bertold Brecht
%
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your
program, wake him up.
%
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that
all men are created jerks.

	-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.

	-- Elbert Hubbard
%
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between
the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the
questions, at eighteen all the answers.
%
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average
American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St.
Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about
programming is not worth knowing.
%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much
heavier.
%
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
%
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.

	-- Mike Adams
%
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your
problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
%
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

	-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
%
A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is,
they work by being declared to work.

	-- Anatol Holt
%
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble
purpose.

	-- A. P. Herbert
%
Bubble Memory, n.:
A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
%
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.
You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.
You are not very nice.
%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then
you find there is nothing in it.
%
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
%
A successful tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
-- S. C. Johnson
%
Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on
the way to your execution is not generally understood by less
advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy.

	-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
%
Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
error in an opponent.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about
the heat.
%
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
%
"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a
Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of
asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to
what my mother told me when I was young!"
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen!"
Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.

	-- Tom Leher
%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.

	-- O'Henry
%
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
that old underwear you own.
%
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics
of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they
undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn
into animals. But then again, don't we all?
%
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of
your fate and captain of your soul.
%
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think
click click".
%
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this
personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to
be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and
put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy
too".
%
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as
a nail.-- Maslow
%
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes
less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For
example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not
even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute
continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight
lines.

	-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant
because it isn't here.

	-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
%
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age
of 100 showed that all had these things in common:

	-- 1. They all had moderate appetites.
2. They all came from middle class homes
3. All but two of them were dead.
%
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
%
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have
overlooked something.
%
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
%
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a
misprint.

	-- Mark Twain
%
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with
words in the proper order then why can't he?
%
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added
to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the
answer you should have gotten.
%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you
don't follow in his footsteps?
%
Worst Vegetable of the Year:
The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
year.
Steve Rubenstein
%
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in
terror, and you would not have been informed.
%
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
%
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
substance.
Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
%
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
%
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
%
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it
is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
%
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to
refuse.
%
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except
Congress.

	-- Mark Twain
%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
%
Love is sentimental measles.
%
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!

	-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
%
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.

	-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least
one of us is right.
%
"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
%
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the
Force of a Thousand Caramels.
%
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
%
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our
best friends are trying to kill us.
%
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry
for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

	-- Henny Youngman
%
Interpreter, n.:
One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have
been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have
said.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess
things up.)
%
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one
can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that
everyone will.

	-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Absurdity, n.:
A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Justice is incidental to law and order.

	-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
What is a magician but a practising theorist?

	-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have
already paid may disregard this fortune).
%
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in
walking distance.
%
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
%
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

	-- "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in
me a sense of obligation."

	-- Stephen Crane
%
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built
the largest shopping center in the world?

	-- Richard Nixon
%
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human
beings.
%
Laws of Serendipity:

	-- 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking
for something.
2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
be engaged in making an inferior one.
%
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement
unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
%
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try
multiplying by the page number.
%
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
%
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
%
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
%
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll
kiss it and make it better.
%
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't
believe a thing he tells you.
%
"It's easier said than done."

	-- ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier
done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that
`it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really
proves that "it's easier said than done".
%
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!
%
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
%
Famous last words:
1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog
4. We won't need reservations.
5. It's always sunny there this time of the year.
6. Don't worry, it's not loaded.
7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
%
The trouble with a kitten is that
When it grows up, it's always a cat

	-- Ogden Nash.
%
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
%
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any
better so get used to it.
%
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when
he has a hole in his head.
%
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
%
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only
longer.-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly
language."
%
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than
50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.-

	-- The Washington Post
%
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
%
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
%
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that
it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to
always see it as a soap bubble?
%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have
had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great
programmers.
%
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an
approaching train.
%
College football is a game which would be much more
interesting if the faculty played instead of the students,
and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would
be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and
simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to
humanity.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it
might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it
ain't. That's logic!"

	-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."

	-- William Gilbert
%
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
%
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.
As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you
today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
%
Anoint, v.:
To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
The revolution will not be televised.
%
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
%
Elevators smell different to midgets
%
Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
%
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
which the only specification is that it should run
noiselessly.
%
Basic, n.:
A programming language. Related to certain social
diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in
polite company.
%
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.

	-- On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
that is also a psychological interaction.

	-- The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
so friendly.

	-- The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.

	-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Did you know ...

	-- That no-one ever reads these things?
%
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
%
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your
time.
%
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If
Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But
if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity."

	-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.

	-- A. E. Housman
%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
%
"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
%
"One planet is all you get."
%
Jones's First Law:
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field
ofendeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes
an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
importance of their original contribution.
%
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the
body. This means that only left handed people are in their
right mind.
%
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some
people.

	-- F. M. Hubbard
%
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
%
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

	-- Salvor Hardin
%
Laetrile is the pits
%
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually
sprained.
%
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

	-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
%
User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell
him.
%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
%
The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
%
"The pyramid is opening!"
"Which one?"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once
When You're Not Anywhere At All"
%
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and
Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy
%
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in
your face.
%
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
%
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap
door.

	-- Paul Beatty
%
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
%
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do
it.

	-- Andrew Young
%
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
%
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy
fortune tellers take economists seriously?
%
Adore, v.:
To venerate expectantly.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much
time reading this sort of trash.
%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys
with erasers.

	-- The Wall Street Journal
%
Scott's first Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
%
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
%
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the
feeling thatthere is nothing important to do.
%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a
tweed coat is good for dandruff.

	-- Peter de Vries
%
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you
going to speak it to?

	-- Clarence Darrow
%
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
happy.
%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%
On-line, adj.:
The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
computer.
%
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
%
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of
the people are right more than half of the time.

	-- E. B. White
%
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I
liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

	-- Clarence Darrow
%
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Greener's Law:
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
%
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that
extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a
person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving
"normally."

	-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
%
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been
necessary to invent it.
%
Snacktrek, n.:
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new
will have materialized.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
I have a simple philosophy:

	-- Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
Scratch where it itches.

	-- A. R. Longworth
%
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and
still waiting for a dial tone.
%
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
C. Degen
%
You're never too old to become younger.
Mae West
%
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

	-- Woody Allen
%
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do
with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

	-- Susan Ertz
%
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

	-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves
and robbers there will be.

	-- Lao Tsu
%
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas
gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the
modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a
giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The
experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's
wrong."
%
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
%
"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
%
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
%
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
%
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another --
it's one damn thing over and over.

	-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

	-- Supplement:
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
%
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun
is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.--

	-- Mark Twain
%
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
%
Adolescence, n.:
The stage between puberty and adultery.
%
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-- George Jean Nathan
%
Distress, n.:
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a
friend.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
%
People who have what they want are very fond of telling
people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
%
Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents
despite every effort to teach them good manners.
%
Accident, n.:
A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
%
When in doubt, use brute force.

	-- Ken Thompson
%
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you
remember.

	-- Oscar Levant
%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.

	-- Ronald Reagan
%
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent
for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I
was too famous."
%
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into
theorems.
%
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

	-- W. C. Fields
%
Office Automation, n.:
The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
you would want to talk with over coffee.
%
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.
%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...
and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled
labor.

	-- Wernher von Braun
%
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation
from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.

	-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
%
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you
know it adds up to be real money.

	-- Everett McKinley Dirksen
%
Binary, adj.:
Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
%
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears
the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across
the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is
part swan and part woman --unfortunately, divided lengthwise.
She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry
jokes ...

	-- Woody Allen
%
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them
on the ass. -- Frank Zappa
%
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked
like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

	-- Mark Twain
%
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find
the entrance?
%
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
%
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
%
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and
has come into use through the necessity of having some way to
distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob
and weather which will only make it mushy.

	-- Mark Twain
%
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your
Erogenous Zones.
%
Boy, n.:
A noise with dirt on it.
%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from
an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access
cover has been removed.
%
Pascal, n.:
A programming language named after a man who would turn over
in his grave if he knew about it.
%
Wit, n.:
The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
... by leaving it out.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty
life.

	-- Eric Hoffer
%
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
%
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more
like the land He's trying to ignore.
%
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing
they could do was to go away.
%
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.
%
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little
green women you've got in the house.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents;
maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of
the younger generation.
%
"Grub first, then ethics."

	-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass".
%
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."

	-- Albert Einstein
%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as
a free variable."
%
Osborn's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.
%
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and
moving to a new town.
%
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

	-- Hawkwind
%
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will
last at least until we've finished building it.
%
Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
%
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped
on my hand.

	-- J. B. White
%
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of
them is doing the thinking.

	-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the
ace.

	-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle
to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed
miracles."
%
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market
is to start with a large fortune."
%
Justice, n.:
A decision in your favor.
%
Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have
a city nativity scene removed:
"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
and a virgin in the whole organization."
%
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
%
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
fattening.

	-- Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer
in rats.
%
Lactomangulation, n.:
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."

	-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a
sweater.
%
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody
nose.
%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to
alter it every six months.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
%
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the
four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
%
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
%
Stupid, n.:
Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for
it.

	-- Woody Allen
%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

	-- Phil White
%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

	-- R. Geis
%
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

	-- Bill Murray
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
laugh at you a great deal.
%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste
terrible.
%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%
"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
%
San Francisco, n.:
Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
%
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find
this woman and stop her.
%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are
merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James
%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left
to chance.
%
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your
hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back, you've got something.
%
Vail's Second Axiom:
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
amount of work already completed.
%
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact,
you don't have a lucky day this year.
%
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify
it."

	-- English Professor
%
Slurm, n.:
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar
when it sits in the dish too long.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.
%
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for
everyday life.
%
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your
shoulder.
%
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle
peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
%
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a
headache.
%
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.
%
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely,
mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long
way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts
to space.

	-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that
heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but
"That's funny ..."

	-- Isaac Asimov
%
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be
down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance
will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply,
however, church attendance will exceed all expectations.

	-- Reverend Chichester
%
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical
overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses
have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new
weaknesses.
Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
%
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
%
Genderplex, n.:
The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
tortoises).
Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?-

	-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%
Jone's Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

	-- Plato
%
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles,
and, if so, how many?
%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding
on.

	-- Dean Martin
%
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer
coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary
number system.

	-- But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.

	-- Matthew 5:37
%
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding
agencies will reject the proposal.
%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to
school.
%
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the
best.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
If the odds are a million to one against something
occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
%
These days the necessities of life cost you about three
times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even
fit to drink.
%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a
number and then give it back to them.
%
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
%
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its
credibility. And vice versa.
%
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
%
Furbling, v.:
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or
bank even when you are the only person in line.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Forgetfulness, n.:
A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
destitution of conscience.
%
Corruption is not the No.1 priority of the Police
Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.-
P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
%
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an
issue, it will always do it.

	-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
%
Reporter, n.:

	-- A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes
a bit longer."

	-- Henry Kissinger
%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous
functions?
%
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.

	-- Edwin Meese III
%
Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which
you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one
ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has
a candle stuck in its neck.
%
Dentist, n.:
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is:
"Why did God create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is
"SOMEBODY somebody has to buy retail."

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember
that virtue is not hereditary.

	-- Thomas Paine
%
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life
that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

	-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

	-- None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays
out of the way.
%
"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
%
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my
traditional manner ... sulking and nausea.

	-- Tom K. Ryan
%
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-- Walt Kelly
%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.
%
Idiot Box, n.:
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper--
Thomas Jefferson
%
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
and parking for the faculty.
%
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets
tax.
%
Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
Winston Churchill
%
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last
year, I think it was a Tuesday.
%
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

	-- There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were
spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
%
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a
mistake, one of them keeps paying for it.

	-- Peggy Joyce
%
"This is a country where people are free to practice their
religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or
number of dangling keys ..."
%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change
the subject.
Winston Churchill
%
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The
irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does
what you tell it to do."
%
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab
as much as we could with both of them."

	-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born
that way.
%
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
%
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does
going to school make a person educated, any more than going
to a garage makes a person a car.
%
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better
defense"
%
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the
absurd.
%
Boren's Laws:
(1) When in charge, ponder.
(2) When in trouble, delegate.
(3) When in doubt, mumble.
%
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%
Cold, adj.:
When the politicians walk around with their hands in their
own pockets.
%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn
a lot today.
%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%
Lunatic Asylum, n.:
The place where optimism most flourishes.
%
Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have
happened toevery one you know, only more so.
%
Rule of Creative Research:
1) Never draw what you can copy.
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
%
Magpie, n.:
A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that
it might be taught to talk.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
disposed of.

	-- Corollaries:
1. The bigger the theory, the better.
2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more
than 50% of the observed measurements must be
discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.
%
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names
to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793
at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value
with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of
the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program,
should the value of pi change.

	-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
%
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of
Jackals by Jackasses.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:

	-- If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your
book. Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
live.
%
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still
very reassuring to know that it's still there.
%
Majority, n.:
That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
%
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his
own incompetency

	-- The Peter Principle
%
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
%
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.

	-- "Diet."
%
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite
your nails.
%
Accuracy, n.:
The vice of being right
%
How can you be in two places at once when you're not
anywhere at all?
%
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
%
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature
indefinitely.
%
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
%
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll
probably get another chance later on.
%
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

	-- Mark Twain
%
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."

	-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
%
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm
doing.

	-- Wernher von Braun
%
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by
the Grateful Dead.

	-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
%
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking
is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional
and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good
bus drivers.
%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.
%
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great
bargaining position.
%
God is real, unless declared integer.
%
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely
fits.
%
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating
system.
%
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

	-- Indian proverb
%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum

	-- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Admiration, n.:
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A:To stamp out forest fires.

	-- Q:Why do elephants have flat feet?
A:To stamp out flaming ducks.
%
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom
door you're on.
%
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
teenager asked her mother.

	-- "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
%
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.

	-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
%
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
%
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
%
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
%
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man --
he loves to see him work.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
Satellite Safety Tip No.14:

	-- If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
%
Chemicals, n.:

	-- Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
%
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His
windows."

	-- Yiddish saying
%
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers
know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%
Virtue is its own punishment.
%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal
systems theory.
%
Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
%
Cinemuck, n.:
The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
covers the floors of movie theaters.

	-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always
besomeone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
%
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days
of the 80-column card.

	-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
%
Spirtle, n.:
The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
your eye.

	-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
Concept, n.:
Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more
than $25,000.
%
Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances
is bound to occur.
%
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program
than vice versa.
%
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you
because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put
your name at the top."

	-- English Professor, Ohio University
%
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory
that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.--
Wernher von Braun
%
Heavy, adj.:
Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
%
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be
found to make it complex and wonderful.
%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%
186,282 miles per second:

	-- It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
%
Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
%
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

	-- Johnson's Corollary:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
%
Spouse, n.:
Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
%
Die, v.:
To stop sinning suddenly.

	-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living
well. -- Aristotle
%
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a
crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness,
the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the
wisdom to choose correctly.

	-- Woody Allen
%
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
%
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
%
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
%
Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if
we led them back to that stalemate only because our
retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our
first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't
afford it, that would hold them off.

	-- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
%
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
%
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else,
unless it is an enemy.

	-- A. Einstein
%
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and
only four tellers?
%
"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble
activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is
an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good
philosophy ... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold
water."
%
Maintainer's Motto:
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
%
"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
%
Ehrman's Commentary:
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2. Who said things would get better?
%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you
can't find them.
%
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks
utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to
the bathroom.
%
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical
processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our
understanding of the physical world. One might as well
attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the
mathematics of probability.

	-- Vannevar Bush
%
Once the realization is accepted that even between the
closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a
wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in
loving the distance between them which makes it possible for
each to see each other whole against the sky.

	-- Rainer Rilke
%
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him,
that's where the money is.

	-- Robespierre
%
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is
never any use to oneself.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up
where we are headed.
%
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is
laughter.

	-- Mark Twain
%
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can
never stop and take a rest.
%
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
physician.
%
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
%
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
%
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just
stops you from enjoying it.
%
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or
they don't."
Dagwood Bumstead
%
Science is what happens when preconception meets
verification.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All
the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
%
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and
votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
%
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a
moral slob.

	-- William F. Buckley
%
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather
it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my
own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it
would not be fair on the company.

	-- J. Wellington Wells
%
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
-- H. H. Williams
%
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?
%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
%
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive
tomorrow.
%
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to
a man.

	-- Trotsky
%
"All flesh is grass"

	-- Isaiah

	-- Smoke a friend today.
%
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is
to a dog.

	-- Alfred Kahn
%
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

	-- Henry N. Camp
%
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or
what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row
exists?

	-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated
some woman out of a divorce.

	-- Don Quinn
%
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally
getting enough cheese.

	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.

	-- R. Clopton
%
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given
you bigger hands.
%
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together ...

	-- Carl Zwanzig
%
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-
old.
%
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is
to have nothing whatever to do with it.

	-- W. Somerset Maughm
%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody
to do.
%
Antonym, n.:

	-- The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

	-- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
%
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

	-- E. Rutherford (who later won a Nobel prize in Chemistry)
%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%
Boss, n.:
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle
Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely
synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a
supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud."
%
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your
way.
%
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority,
it is time to reform.

	-- Mark Twain
%
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

	-- Albert Einstein
%
When more and more people are thrown out of work,
unemployment results.

	-- Calvin Coolidge
%
Hand, n.:
A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
Encyclopedia Salesmen:
Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
and tell them your house is being burgled.
Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Avoid reality at all costs.
%
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
%
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
%
"When in doubt, tell the truth."

	-- Mark Twain
%
Famous last words:
1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
2) "You and what army?"
3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
be a cop."
%
During the next two hours, the network will be going up and
down several times, often with lin~po_~{po~poz~ppo\~{ o
n~po_~{o[po~y
oodsou>No.w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
%
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
are thieves.
%
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Absence makes the heart go wander.
%
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person
for a change.
%
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
%
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:One per person.
%
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"

	-- Paul McCracken
%
The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday,
with symposium to follow.
%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner
Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying
his assistant to an operating table to prevent his
interference, he placed a uretheral catheter into a vein in
his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the
confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded
the Nobel Prize.
%
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

	-- If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end
to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be
absolutely awful.
%
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Chicken Soup, n.:
An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment
chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's
mother.
Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
receptive young female increases by pyramidal
progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date,
(2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
%
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which,
unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%
Barometer, n.:
An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
we are having.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and
nothingness.

	-- Beckett
%
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
computer crashes.
%
Tact, n.:
The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
%
It is against the grain of modern education to teach
children to program. What fun is there in making plans,
acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting
attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?

	-- Alan Perlis
%
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky
may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow
never comes!!

	-- Adventures of Asterix.
%
Serocki's Stricture:
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
%
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a
lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software."

	-- How many software engineers does it take to change a
lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual."

	-- How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
%
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
%
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is
both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is
interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet
paper.

	-- R. Serling
%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared
with.
%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
doesn't mean he knows what it is.
%
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty
experiences go, it's one of the best.

	-- Woody Allen
%
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical
conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the
grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

	-- T. Lehrer
%
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is
fresh paint.
%
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was
this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty
much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this
problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the
movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd
because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.

	-- Douglas Adams
%
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that
requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and
real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a
mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the
machine room.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's
wife.
%
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
%
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
%
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

	-- Andy Warhol
%
Practical people would be more practical if they would take
a little more time for dreaming.

	-- J. P. McEvoy
%
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
%
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the
unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to
himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable
man.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be
returned without a receipt.
%
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and
drink?
%
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
%
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell
me where to get more wax!!"
%
Accordion, n.:
A bagpipe with pleats.
%
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

	-- George Saunders' dying words
%
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we
always respect their good judgement.
%
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff
that nature replaces it with.

	-- Tenessee Williams
%
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
%
Honorable, adj.:
Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In
legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as
honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."--
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
%
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
-- George Wald
%
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend
to guarantee them.
%
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
%
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to
dislike it, the other is to read Pope."

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be
ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and
all of the dark leaks out.
%
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even
crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he
had to say, and make fun of it.

	-- Thomas Carlyle
%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies
solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through
a meter.
%
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket
fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who
hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not
clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It
is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its
scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of
life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
humanity hanging on a cross of iron.

	-- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
%
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

	-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
%
Alliance, n.:
In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
they cannot separately plunder a third.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does
anything about it.
%
"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a
meaning of which I disapprove."
%
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall
into a pit.
%
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
%
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual
free trip around the Sun.
%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear
shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house.

	-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Heaven, n.:
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk
of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
while you expound your own.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Information Center, n.:
A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it
is to tell you why you cannot have the information you
require.
%
Shamus, n.:
A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of
synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that:

A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not
to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The
shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am
nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Now look
who thinks he's nobody!"

	-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Sweater, n.:
A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
%
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for
days.

	-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard
skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
%
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose
that's just one of the risks he takes.

	-- Adlai Stevenson
%
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.

	-- Milton Friedman
%
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to
set a bad example.

	-- La Rouchefoucauld
%
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no
more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near
relation.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Technological progress has merely provided us with more
efficient means for going backwards.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
%
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what
it's supposed to do.

	-- R. A. Heinlein
%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
I hate quotations.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in
two hours.

	-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after
you.
%
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
%
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is
a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it
is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month
whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time
for chocolate.

	-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%
Acquaintance, n.:
A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
well enough to lend to.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your
children!
%
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
%
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve
mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon
them.

	-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
%
Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for
traffic tickets.
%
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%
Liar, n.:
A lawyer with a roving commission.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Real Time, adj.:
Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs
there and then.
%
Magnocartic, adj.:
Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
carts.

	-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views
after we have enlightened him with ours.
%
Condense soup, not books!
%
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's
been mailed.
%
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
%
Command, n.:
Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer
in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in
control.
%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?
Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole
purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to
your place by taxi.

	-- P. J. O'Rourke
%
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school
as a boy.
%
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
%
Whistler's Law:
You never know who is right, but you always know who is
in charge.
%
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los
Angeles.
%
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
%
Linus:I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about
tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today.
Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that
yesterday will get better.
%
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now ... try to get something DONE!
%
Absent, adj.:
Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
%
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
intelligence.

	-- Henrik Tikkanen
%
Simon's Law:
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
%
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word
"database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of
the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other
things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows,
therefore, that writing about databases is not only
unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
%
Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.
%
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the
language of supercomputers.

	-- Steven Feiner
%
Whatever became of eternal truth?
%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so
do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

	-- Lew Col
%
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going
to do is make the rubble bounce"

	-- Winston Churchill
%
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is
when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very
difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling
houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have
successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
%
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe,
the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes
on trying other things.

	-- Pablo Picasso
%
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for
television?"
%
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."

	-- Aelius Donatus
%
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not
object to it

	-- G. B. Shaw
%
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
%
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
%
"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of
a bank?"

	-- Bertold Brecht
%
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further
than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find
himself in places no one has ever been.

	-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
%
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a
resistance.
%
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do
it every time.
%
Dawn, n.:
The time when men of reason go to bed.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age
eighteen.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Peace, n.:
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ...
or is it?"
%
Only God can make random selections.
%
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?

	-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
%
Automobile, n.:
A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
%
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last
step of doing away with computers altogether?"

	-- Jehan Shuman
%
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been
attempted before.
%
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already
full.

	-- Henry Kissinger
%
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.

	-- Aesop
%
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-
pack."
%
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"

	-- W. C. Fields
%
She's genuinely bogus.
%
"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large
city can never hope to acquire it.
%
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean,
"not really".

	-- Dave Parnas
%
Be different: conform.
%
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare
Thyself.
%
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
%
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody
moves the ends.

	-- Herbert Hoover
%
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as
when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which
some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is
devoid of the sense of smell.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's
not $19.95.
%
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you
choose your own form of misery.
%
Fakir, n:
A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's
already tomorrow in Australia.

	-- Charles Schultz
%
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over
your associates and people resent your flaunting of your
power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward.
Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
%
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
%
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

	-- Art Hoppe
%
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and
trees.

	-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
%
Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises
shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal
leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
%
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of
the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
%
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
%
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You
see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You
pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly
the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.
The only difference is that there is no cat."
%
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
%
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends
the first two laws.
%
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork
involved.
%
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even
get up until 5 or 6 pm.
%
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who
manage what they do not understand.
%
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
%
Labor, n.:
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.--
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing
still for too long as they take root and become trees.
%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the
part of every organism to live beyond its income.

	-- Samuel Butler
%
Micro Credo:
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
%
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.

	-- LaRouchefoucauld
%
BLISS is ignorance
%
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be
implementedit wasn't worth doing.
%
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.-

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Ducharm's Axiom:

If you view your problem closely enough you will
recognize yourself as part of the problem.
%
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand
a correct one.
%
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Gore Vidal
%
Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...

To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door
before the light comes on.
%
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to
dread each day as it comes.

	-- Donald Kaul
%
Vote anarchist
%
Tussman's Law:
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
%
The trouble with doing something right the first time is
that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
%
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you
parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out
tender.

	-- W. C. Fields
%
Sturgeon's Law:
90% of everything is crud.
%
Polymer physicists are into chains.
%
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
%
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
%
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal
means.
%
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and
husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as
symmetrical as it might seem.

	-- Alan McKay
%
Larkinson's Law:
All laws are basically false.
%
"Don't say yes until I finish talking."

	-- Darryl F. Zanuck
%
A city is a large community where people are lonesome
together

	-- Herbert Prochnow
%
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none
of the vices I admire.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

	-- You first.
%
One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.

	-- Mark Ardis
%
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated
ambiguity that would be clearly understood."

	-- Alexander Haig
%
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which
a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth
way will promptly develop.
%
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to
complain."

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my
own importance.
%
Bore, n.:
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
%
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know
where to go to erase it.

	-- Glaser and Way
%
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

	-- Isaac Asimov
%
Jenkinson's Law:
It won't work.
%
Every successful person has had failures but repeated
failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
%
Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry
creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry
creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly
split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the
Empire forged.
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
%
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that
wasn't immune to bullets"

	-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you
want it to.
%
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The
world owes you nothing. It was here first.

	-- Mark Twain
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am
right.
%
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
%
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up!"
%
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is
simple, neat, and wrong.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected
error.

	-- Weisert
%
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
%
Mad, adj.:
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.

	-- This person must be fired.
%
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

	-- Thomas Edison
%
Predestination was doomed from the start.
%
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the
United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only
2 cents a day.
%
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?

	-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

	-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make
one believe in God.
%
"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick
the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!"
%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are
probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer
%
Mythology, n.:
The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as
distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
The shortest distance between two points is under
construction.

	-- Noelie Altito
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
%
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
%
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along
to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The
dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may
have forgotten. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of
Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by
at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can
deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction
which doesn't work.
%
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
%
Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
%
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as
I learn what it is I'll get married again.

	-- Clint Eastwood
%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label
means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY
NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.
%
Miss, n.:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
%
Self Test for Paranoia:
You know you have it when you can't think of anything
that's your own fault.
%
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and
the paper is from the wrong kind of tree."

	-- Profesoor W.
%
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the
original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According
to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.

	-- Steve Rubenstein
%
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
%
In our civilization, and under our republican form of
government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is
rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Menu, n.:
A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
%
Ingrate, n.:
A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then
complains of indigestion.
%
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
%
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to
spell a word.

	-- Andrew Jackson
%
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a
house on the beach.
%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever
you hit, call it the target.
%
United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of
the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a
general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic
reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
low over the world.

	-- Isaac Asimov
%
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
%
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us
people to eat.

	-- John McNulty
%
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something
else.
%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in
the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
%
Broad-mindedness, n.:
The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
%
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains
of the outfit."
GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."

	-- Jay Ward
%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

	-- Jules de Gaultier
%
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is
electricity?

And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

	-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on
gettingsome useful work done.
%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%
Electrocution, n.:
Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by
Tuesday.
%
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require
a simple yes or no answer.
%
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a
funeral? It is because we are not the person involved"

	-- Mark Twain
%
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

	-- Harry S Truman
%
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you
know when to cringe.
%
California, n.:
From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English
"calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California,
"the land of hot sex."

	-- Ed Moran
%
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but
garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very
expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize
it.
%
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing
about the problem.
%
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
%
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
%
If I had any humility I would be perfect.

	-- Ted Turner
%
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam
he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky
peanut butter.
%
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
%
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the
modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's
ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its
peak.
%
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally
ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
%
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear
to myself.

	-- Henry Kissinger
%
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
%
Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project
is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
%
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your
fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of
jury duty!
%
The biggest difference between time and space is that you
can't reuse time.

	-- Merrick Furst
%
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those
lifetimes.
%
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are
inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make
the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are
stupid.
%
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked
about, and that is not being talked about.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Newlan's Truism:
An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a
job.
%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's
better than no government at all.
%
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
%
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
%
Leibowitz's Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
%
Bureaucrat, n.:
A politician who has tenure.
%
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
%
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:

	-- "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."

	-- Wolfgang Pauli
%
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many
days before Saturday.
%
LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by
your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious
and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like
that.
%
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong
lane.
%
Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
%
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the
committee.

	-- Graham Summer
%
Rule of Defactualization:
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
%
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
%
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from
handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
%
Boling's postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%
Quality Control, n.:
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming
off a production line to make sure that at least one out of
100 works.
%
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's
fashions.

	-- Lillian Hellman
%
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

	-- A. E. Newman
%
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than
a cause of the future.
%
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
%
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be
wrong.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Mustgo, n.:
Any item of food that has been sitting in the
refrigerator so long it has become a science project.

	-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what
is right.

	-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
%
Cigarette, n.:
A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco
in between.
%
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend
the fire.
%
They also surf who only stand on waves.
%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it
everywhere.
%
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's
funeral."
Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for
young men to die in.

	-- George McGovern
%
You can take all the impact that science considerations have
on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a
flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony
Calio's heart.

	-- F. Allen
%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very
good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

	-- Dick Brandon
%
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
%
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge
to punt.
%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools
are so ingenious.
%
Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to
put up with constructive praise.
%
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's
2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83, Financial Post
%
Flugg's Law:
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
%
Never try to outstubborn a cat.

	-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

	-- Elliot, "E.T."
%
Westheimer's Discovery:
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save
a couple of hours in the library.
%
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has
endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us
to forgo their use.

	-- Galileo Galilei
%
Barth's Distinction:
There are two types of people: those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
%
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so
that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
%
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying
"BOOGA, BOOGA!"
%
Accidents cause History.

	-- If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat
Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the
motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which
would have meant that all the oil could have been used for
lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and
nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.

	-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
%
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

	-- Ogden Nash
%
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
should on no account be allowed to do the job.

	-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
%
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
%
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of
words into the smallest amount of thoughts."

	-- Winston Churchill
%
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll
probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for
advancement.

	-- Snoopy
%
Monday, n.:
In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps,
fast reflexes.
%
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the
group divided by the number of people in the group.
%
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns
it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells
us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are
ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard
way."

	-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
%
I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.

	-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
The steady state of disks is full.

	-- Ken Thompson
%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%
Once, adv.: Enough.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but
your chairs.
%
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
%
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
%
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
%
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above
your principles.
%
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
%
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
%
Quality assurance dosen't.
%
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that
users don't really know what they want, but they know for
certain what they don't want.
%
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
%
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research
%
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
%
He who hesitates is probably right.
%
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is
filled.
%
If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier
machine.
%
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
%
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
%
The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the
softness of the bread.
%
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
%
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account,
checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient
funds, checks clear overnight.
%
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in
paperback tomorrow.
%
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for
repairs.
%
You never want the one you can afford.
%
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if
his is a good price.
%
If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
%
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
%
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
required on it.
%
Love letters, business contracts and money due you always
arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it
was sent.
%
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will
fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
%
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
reach.
%
Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you
need it.
%
Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived
forwards.
%
Interchangable parts won't.
%
No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the
wind.
%
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
%
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached
their level of incompetence.
%
Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
%
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
%
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
%
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%
People who love sausage and respect the law should never
watch either of them being made.
%
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
%
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important
ones will be illegible.
%
A free agent is anything but.
%
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest
fish.
%
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
%
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
%
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door,
fumbling for your keys.
%
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price
will be unreasonable.
%
Peace is not the absence of war. Peace is the presence of a system for
resolving conflicts before war becomes necessary. War never creates peace.
[6510]
I will not carve gods.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
    I will not spank others.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not aim for the head.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not barf unless I'm sick.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not conduct my own fire drills.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
Funny noises are not funny.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not snap bras.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not fake seizures.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
This punishment is not boring and pointless.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
My name is not Dr. Death.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not defame New Orleans.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not prescribe medication.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not bury the new kid.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not teach others to fly.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not bring sheep to class.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
A burp is not an answer.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
Teacher is not a leper.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
Coffee is not for kids.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not eat things for money.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not call the principal "spud head".

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
Goldfish don't bounce.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
No one is interested in my underpants.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not sell miracle cures.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will return the seeing-eye dog.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I do not have diplomatic immunity.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will never win an emmy.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I am not deliciously saucy.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
There are plenty of businesses like show business.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not waste chalk.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not skateboard in the halls.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
Underwear should be worn on the inside.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

	-- Bart Simpson - on the blackboard
%
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
                          --A. Whitney Brown
%
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

	-- Fred Allen
%
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

	-- Dylan Thomas
%
Awards are like hemorrhoids; in the end, every asshole gets one.

	-- Frederick Raphael
%
Cynic, n. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Habit, n. a shackle for the free.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
I can resist everything except temptation.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians
can go on the air and kid the people.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one wants,
and the other is getting it.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Lawsuit, n. a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%
A thing worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody else to do it.
%
A true victory requirest at the very least an antagonist and a battle;
anything less is but a takeover.
%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
%
Burp.
%
Chance favours the trained mind.

	-- Pastuer
%
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
%
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are
right more than half of the time.
%
Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
%
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
%
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel anyway.
%
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
%
Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out twice
as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
%
When choosing between two evils, always try the one you have never tried before.
%
When your only tool is a hammer, you tend to treat everything you find like a
nail.
%
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.

	-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
You are growing sleepy, very sleepy.  At midnite tonite, you will write a blank
check in the amount of the balance of your check book and mail it to me at...
%
You have been targeted for termination.
%
" If All Fails, READ THE DOCS ! "
%
Vuja De
	-- The Feeling You've Never Been Here
%
Marriage, n. a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves,
making in all, two.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
%
Abstract art is a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the
utterly bewildered.

	-- Al Capp
%
Achievement, n. the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Saint, n. a dead sinner, revised and edited.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Samson had the right idea about advertising.  He took two columns and brought
down the house.
%
A woman never forgets her sex.  She would rather talk with a man than an angel,
any day.

	-- O.W. Holmes
%
That which needs to be proved cannot be worth much.

	-- Nietzsche
%
The most inconvenient feature about poverty is that one is apt to get used
to it.
%
2.998e10 cm/sec;  It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
%
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
%
A country that put men on the moon can't keep cold cereal from getting soggy.
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
%
A thing not worth doing is worth not doing well.
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
%
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
After three days men grow weary of a wench, a guest, and rainy weather.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
%
Always do right.  This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
%
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
%
An optimist believes this to be the best of all possible worlds.
A pessimist fears this to be true.
%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
%
Any person, when confronted by enough stress, will sooner or later turn out
a product which is utterly beyond their ability.
%
Any phenomenon, once observed and noted, will cease to exist.  In theory,
a particularly astute observer could destroy everything as we know it...
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%
Assumed Decimal Point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer's
current salary in estimating his own worth.
%
Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.
%
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
%
Don't hate yourself in the morning
	-- sleep till noon.
%
Don't marry for money...You can borrow it cheaper.
%
Don't worry about being in a dangerous situation.  You have the rest of your
life to straighten it out.
%
Donsen's Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until,
finally, he knows everything about nothing; while the generalist learns less
and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.
%
Education is what you have left over after you have forgotten everything you
have learned.
%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it.
%
Every creature has within itself the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
%
Everyone needs to believe in something; I believe I'll have another beer.
%
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
%
FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when the
little hand is on the ....
%
Groebe's Law: The more complex the problem, the sooner the deadline.
%
     Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away.
Shavelson's Extension: ...after having done its damage.
   Grelb's Addition: If it was bad, it will be back.
%
I am not a Merry Man!

	-- Worf
%
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

	-- Earl Wilson
%
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3 percent?
%
Is it Friday yet?
%
Last guys don't finish nice.
%
Law of Inertia: Given enough time, what you put off doing today will eventually
get done by itself.
%
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
%
Marriage
	-- a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
%
Mind your own business, Spock.  I'm sick of your half-breed interference.
%
Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.
%
Money is the root of all evil
	-- and a man needs roots.
%
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
%
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

	-- Steve Wozniak
%
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
%
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
use the editorial "we."
%
Only those who attempt the absurd achieve the impossible.
%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
%
A god in hand is worth two in the bush.

	-- Aaron
%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%
A programming language is low-level when its programs require attention to the
irrelevant.
%
Pardon me, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.

	-- Spock
%
Pareto Phenomenon:  Very few things seem to contribute to a majority of
problems.
%
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
%
Smile, it makes the world wonder what you are up to.
%
Smith's Fourth Law of Inertia: A body at rest tends to watch television.
%
SNAFU (Situation Normal All Fouled Up).
%
The early worm gets the bird.
%
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
%
The purpose of the propeller is as a fan to keep the pilot cool.  Turn
it off and watch him sweat.
%
The true pleasures in life are almost always overshadowed by the blatently
obvious ones.
%
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
%
Bell's Rule: The average time between throwing something away and needing it
badly is two weeks.  This time can be reduced to one week by retaining the
thing for a long time first.
%
Better late than really late.
%
If you can kill a snake with it, it ain't art.

	-- Orcenith Lyle Bonge
%
Walk softly and carry a fully charged PHASER!
%
Nutritional tip:  Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alchohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
%
80 % of success is just showing up.

	-- Woody Allen
%
80% of all deaths may actually be succeed. Persons who lack curiosity about
life, who are guilt-ridden and depressed and conditioned by parental example,
are all to willing, subconsciously, to co-operate with and attract disease,
accident and violence.

	-- Tom Robbins
%
At bottom,
Every man knows well enough that he is a unique human being, only once on this
earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvellously picturesque
piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.

	-- Neitzche
%
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.

	-- Mary H. Waldrip
%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but
wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

	-- Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
%
A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and the
paradise of the eyes.
		 - Fontenelle
%
A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.

	-- Robert Burton, English author and clergyman (1577-1640)
%
A book may be compared to the life of your neighbour.  If it be good, it cannot
last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too early.

	-- H. Brooke
%
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has read.

	-- Mark Twain
%
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

	-- Arthur Block
%
A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your
troubles
	-- Will Rogers
%
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.

	-- Hermione Gingold, Actress-comedienne (1897-1987)
%
A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

	-- Wilson Mizner
%
A friend is one who warns you.

	-- Near East proverb
%
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the
truth about its author.

	-- G. K. Chesterton
%
A great teacher never strives to explain his vision.  He simply invites you to
stand beside him and see for yourself.

	-- Reverend R. Inman
%
A hospital is no place to be sick.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
		Immigrant turned famous movie producer
%
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.

	-- Frank Capra
%
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

	-- Robert Frost
%
A large brain, like large government, may not be able to do simple things in a
simple way.

	-- Donald O. Hebb
%
A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.

	-- Jane Austin
%
A lifetime of happiness!  No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on
earth.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D.  Unfortunately, they
don't have a J.O.B.

	-- Fats  Domino
%
A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.

	-- Arthur Schoperhauer
%
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

	-- Mark Twain
%
A man is a critic when he cannot be an artist, in the same way that a man
becomes an informer when he cannot be a soldier.

	-- Gustave Flaubert
%
A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares.

	-- Elbert Hubbard
%
A man lives by believing in something, not by debating and arguing about many
things.

	-- Thomas Carlyle
%
A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would
heal and do well.

	-- Francis Bacon
%
A man who seeks truth and loves it must be reckoned precious to any human
society.

	-- Frederick the Great.
%
A nation . . . is just a society for hating foreigners.

	-- Olaf Stapledon
%
A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish remarks than anything else
in the world.

	-- Edmond & Jules Goncourt
%
A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.

	-- John Tudor
%
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

	-- Joseph Stalin
%
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

	-- Anonymous
%
A truth that's told with bad intent Beats all the Lies you can invent
	-- William Blake, English poet
%
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

	-- Rudyard Kipling
%
A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should
conceal it as well as she can.
	-- Jane Austin
%
A young man with good health and a poor appetite can save up money.

	-- James Montgomery Bailey
%
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

	-- Fred Allen
		  American humorist (1894-1956)
%
Advice is like kissing.  It costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do.

	-- H. W. Shaw
%
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the
least.

	-- Earl of Chesterfield
%
All men are equal; it is not birth, but virtue alone, that makes the
difference.

	-- Voltaire
%
All men naturally desire knowledge.

	-- Aristotle
		  Greek philosopher (384-322)
%
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to
criticism.

	-- Anonymous
%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism to live
beyond its means.

	-- Samuel Butler
%
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is
sure.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

	-- Mark Twain
%
America did not invent human rights.  In a very real sense, it is the other way
around.  Human rights invented America.

	-- Jimmy Carter
%
America is a fortunate country.  She grows by the follies of our European
nations.

	-- Napoleon
%
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilisation in between.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it.

	-- Paul Val‚ry
%
An expert is someone who knows some of the worst mistakes that can be made in
his subject and how to avoid them.

	-- Werner Heisenberg
%
Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.

	-- Soren Kierkegaard, Dansish Philosopher (1813-1855)
%
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to
lie well.

	-- Samuel Butler, English poet and satirist (1612-1680)
%
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic.

	-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
Any time you have influence, try ordering around someone else`s dog.

	-- The Cockle Bur
%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones.

	-- C. C. Colton
%
Art is the lie that makes us realise the truth.

	-- Pablo Picasso
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and
as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will.  He will be sure
to repent.

	-- Socrates
%
As you ramble on through life, brother, whatever be your goal: keep you eyes
upon the donut, and not upon the hole!

	-- Quote from Dr. Murray Banks
%
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.

	-- Fran Lebowitz
%
Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you will cease to be so.

	-- John Stewart Mill
%
Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation
for   tis better to be alone than in bad company.

	-- George Washington
%
Astronomy compels the soul to look upward and leads us from this world to
another.

	-- Plato
%
A person's character is but half formed till after wedlock.
%
All sunshine makes the desert.
%
A Scottish gift: "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it."
%
A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.
%
An election year is the time politicians want to help us out of all the trouble
they
got us into in the first place.
%
A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist.
%
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very
narrow field.
%
As knowledge increases, wonder deepens.
%
An elephant is only a mouse built to council specifications.
%
A good lawyer is a bad neighbour.
%
A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
%
Any fool can criticise, and many of them do.
%
An adult is one who has ceased to grow vertically but not horizontally.
%
A man's mother is his misfortune, his wife is his fault.
%
A long dispute means that both parties are wrong.
%
Any given program will expand to fit all available memory.
%
A poor excuse is better than no excuse at all.
%
A yawn is a silent shout.
%
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
%
An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he
knows everything about nothing.
%
Apathy: never mind over don't matter.
%
A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people
who were made redundant by the computer.
%
A lost property office is for people to return things they find and don't want.
%
A teacher is someone who, in their youth, admired teachers.
%
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
%
All human acts involve more chance than decision.
%
All good things come to those who DON'T wait.
%
A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
%
A politician has to be able to see both sides of an issue, so he can get around
it.
%
A taxpayer is someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for
the government.
%
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.

	-- Mary H. Waldrip
%
Allow life to be the theatre of God, in which what seems appropriate and
necessary in your case be accomplished spontaneously. You must trust the
process of your own life
	-- Heart-master Da Love-Anada
%
A rockpile cease to be a rockpile the moment a single man contemplates it,
bearing within him the image of a cathedral.

	-- Antoine de SaintExupery
%
A relationship should not suppress our adventure or suppress the speed with
which we learn the lessons that are there for us to learn.

	-- Stewart Emery
%
Any path is only a path. There is no effort to oneself or others in dropping it
if  that is what your heart tells you.

	-- Carlos Castaneda
%
A crisis even often explodes the illusions that anchor our lives.

	-- Robert Veninga
%
All of me want to cover the whole of you and surround you in my arms.
%
At last a moment to ponder the next.
%
Am I my brothers' keeper?
There are no strangers here, only friends that we haven't met.
%
And on her lover's her lovers arm she learnt,
	And around her waist she felt it fold,
And far across the hills they went
	In that new world which is the old....

	-- Alfered, Lord Tennyson, The Daydreams (1842)
%
A smile is a curve that straightens out many a tangle.
%
A wise man will hear and increase learning, and a man of understanding will
attain wise counsel, and a man of understanding will attain counsel. To
understand a proverb and an engine, the words of the wise and their riddles.
%
Ah well,
this is the blind world  serving to its end, all balance gone, dear starving in
the trees cougars in distant hills, small puppies, brought for boy's vacations,
left by loving parents on New England's shores at summer's end to starve or
grow up wild
I hope they live to stalk us one again.

	-- Lorean Esiley, Watch the uneasy landlords (1972)
%
And yet, hope purpose me; encircle me, bites me; like a dying wolf tightening
his grip for the last time.

	-- Federoic Garcia Lorca, Dona Rosita (1935)
%
Any  person who is always sorry for himself, should be.
%
And he opened his mouth, and taught them saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn; for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for the shall
be filled.
Blessed are the merciful; for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure at heart; for they  shall see God.
Blessed are  the peacemakers; for the should be calls the kingdom of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake;   for theirs is
the kingdom of heaven.

	-- Jesus ?

A vessel, fresh launched, knows nothing
Of how the sea behaves.
All that it has, all that it learns
Comes from the wind and the reef and the wave.
Fresh - launched, the vessel does not know
How even a harbour harbours graves
%
A voyage that never leaves shelter
Is one for the weak and the small.
The strength a ship has, comes from it flight
To weather the rips and the rocks and the squalls.
Such as vessel, straining onwards,
Need not fear the deep pitfalls.
%
Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one.
%
A statesman is a politician ten or fifteen years after he's dead.
%
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
%
A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence.
%
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his doctor does.
%
Always look for the calculations that go with a calculated risk.
%
As God as my witness, I am innocent - But he won't be there at the committal
proceedings.
%
A commuter is one who never knows how a show comes out because he has to
leave early to catch a train to get him back to the country in time to catch a
train
to bring him back to the city.
%
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
%
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
%
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
%
A committee. When all is said and done, 90% is said, and 10% is done.
%
An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.
%
Abstinence is the thin end of the pledge.
%
A promise made is a dept unpaid.
%
A stitch in time saves embarrassment.
%
A political leader must keep looking over his shoulder all the time to see if
the boys are still there. If they aren't still there, he's no longer a
political leader.
%
A statesman is what politicians call themselves.
%
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
%
An independent is the guy who wants to take the politics out of politics.
%
A dirty book is seldom dusty.
%
And in the end the love you take, is equal to the love you make.
%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
%
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
%
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never
remembers her age.
%
A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse
when
he feels better.
%
All's well that ends.
%
As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.
%
Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long time.
%
A politician is an acrobat - he keeps his balance by saying the opposite of
what he
does.
%
An oak tree is just a nut that held its ground.
%
Analysing humour is like analysing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to
die
in the process.
%
Absolute zero is cool.
%
A piece of wire cut to length will be too short.
%
Amnesia rules, O...
%
All this beer drinking will be the urination of me.
%
A Black Belt is a person who holds life and death in their hands -
and can choose either.
%
Anyone that goes to a psychiatrist needs their head examined.
%
Awkward Age: The period lasting from birth until death.
%
A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him.
%
Among the runners finishing last was an older man wearing a T-shirt that
proclaimed 'Abominably Slow Man.'
%
Anybody who has any doubt about the ingenuity or the resourcefulness
of a plumber never got a bill from one.
%
A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.
%
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
%
Anybody that hates children and dogs can't be all that bad.
%
All you need is love.
%
All men are equal, but some are more equal than others.
%
Adults are obsolete children.

	-- Dr Seuss
%
All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
%
A committee is a group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the
unnecessary.
%
As long as you can still be disappointed you are still young.
%
Absurdity: A statement of belief inconsistent with one's own opinion.
%
A pessimist is somebody who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
%
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
%
A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.
%
Australian Rules Football may best be described as a game devised for padded
cells, played in the open air.
%
A formal briefing is like an avalanche. A high level snow job of massive and
overwhelming proportions.
%
Anarchy, no rules, OK?
%
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
%
Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%
All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
%
A friend is a person that knows everything about you and still likes you.
%
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
%
Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses.
%
Blessed he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
%
Bigamist: A man that leads a double wife.
%
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
%
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
%
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
%
Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
%
Be willing to do what your soul directs you to do if you want to create what
you are asking for.

	-- Sanyana Roman
%
But touch a solemn truth is collision with a dogma.. and you will soon find you
have disturbed a nest, and the hornets will swarm about your eyes and hands,
and fly into you face and eyes.

	-- John Adams, The life and works of John Adams (1851)
%
Before the beginning of the years
	There became the making of the man
Time, with a gift of tears;
	Grief, with a glass that ran;
Pleasure, with pain for leaven;
	Summer, with flowers that fell;
Remembrance, fallen from heaven,
	And madness risen from hell.......

	-- Agrenon Charles Swinbourne Atlanta in Calydon (1865)
%
Be gentle with yourself. If you will not be your own unconditional friend, who
will be? If you are playing an opponent and you are also opposing yourself -
you are going to be out numbered.

	-- Dan Millman
%
Be alert. Your country needs lerts.
%
Ben Lexcen only went to school for three years, so he never learnt that some
things are impossible.
%
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
%
Babies speak in many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.
%
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
%
Be nice to people on the way up, because you may need their help on the way
down.
%
Before honour is humility.
%
Bureaucracy rules. If its OK with the boss.
%
Boys will be boisterous.
%
Beware the man who slaps you on the back - he is probably trying to make you
cough up something.
%
Beware of half-truths - you may have the wrong half.
%
Before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.
%
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
%
Baloney is flattery so thick that it can not be true and blarney is flattery so
thin that we like it.

	-- Bishop Fulton J. Sheen
%
Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

	-- Wernher Von Braun.
%
Be an optimist--at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape
Kennedy
	-- Current Comedy
%
Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.

	-- Iara Gassen
%
Be happy.  It is a way of being wise.

	-- Colette
%
Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your way down.

	-- Wilson Mizner
%
Be not so bigoted to any custom as to worship it at the expense of Truth.

	-- Johann Georg Von Zimmermann
%
Beauty is also to be found in a day's work
	-- Mamie Sypert Burns
%
Being kissed by a man who didn't wax his moustache was like eating an egg
without salt.

	-- Rudyard Kipling
%
Believe nothing, O monks, merely because you have been told it...or because it
is traditional, or because you yourselves have imagined it.  Do not believe
what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher.  But
whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be conducive to the
good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings--that doctrine believe and cling
to, and take it as your guide.

	-- Gautama Buddha, Indian philosopher (536?-483? B.C.)
%
Between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.

	-- Mae West
%
Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Beware of the man who won't be bothered with details.

	-- William Feather, Sr.
%
Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait.

	-- Stanislaw Lec
%
Books are good enough in their own way, but they are a mighty bloodless
substitute for life.

	-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.

	-- Honor‚ de Balzac
%
Celibacy is not hereditary.
%
Cheer up, you'll soon be dead.
%
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
%
Credit Card: What you use to buy today what you can't afford tomorrow while
your still paying for yesterday.
%
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
%
Castles in the air cost a great deal to keep up.
%
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Communism is the reverse.
%
Common sense is that collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

	-- Einstein.
%
Courage combined with energy and perseverance, will overcome difficulties
apparently insurmountable.
%
Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself, and dares to
become involved in experimenting  with his own life.

	-- Herbet Otto
%
Carpe diem lads, Seize the day! Make your lives extraordinary!

	-- Robin Williams (in Dead Poets Society)
%
Counting time in not as important as making time count.
%
Conquer yourself  and the world lies at your feet.
%
Cogito ergo sum (I think therefore I am.)
	-- Descarte

Conformity leads to mediocrity. If the individual is to grapple with life, its
intricacies, its miseries and sudden demands, he must be infinitely pliable,
and therefore free of theories and particular patterns of thought.

	-- Krishnamurti
%
Chaos demands to be recognised and experienced before letting itself be
converted into a new order.

	-- Herman Hesse
%
Clutters closets mean a cluttered mind.
As you clean the closet, say to yourself,
I am cleaning the closets of my mind.
The universe loves symbolic gestures.

	-- Louise L.Hay
%
Christianity: All things whatsoever ye would that men do to you do ye even so
to them.
Judaism: What is hateful to you do not to your fellowmen.
Brahmanism: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you
Buddhism: Hurt not others in ways that you would find hurtful.
Confucianism: Surely it is the maxi
%
Celebrity: A person that works hard to become famous, then wears dark glasses to
avoid being recognised.
%
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
%
Computers have made it possible to make a thousand mistakes every second.
%
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world
that
just don't add up.
%
Classical music is the kind that you keep thinking will turn into a tune.
%
Collision: What happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.
%
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore and that's what parents were
created
for.
%
Consensus rules - if that's OK with you.
%
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have just before you fall
flat on
your face.
%
Conscience: The thing that makes you tell your wife before somebody else does.
%
Contrariwise, continued Tweedledee, `If it was so, it might be; and if it were
so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.'
	-- Lewis Carroll
%
Character is what you know you are, not what others think you have.

	-- Marva Collins
%
Clear writers assume, with a pessimism born of experience, that whatever isn't
plainly stated the reader will invariably misconstrue.

	-- John R. Trimble
%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.

	-- Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum:  I think that I think, therefore I think that I
am
	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
College isn't the place to go for ideas.

	-- Hellen Keller
%
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

	-- Peter Ustinov
%
Common sense is instinct.  Enough of it is Genius.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Common-looking people are the best in the world:  that is the reason the lord
makes so many of them.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof; it is a temporary expedient.

	-- James Russel Lowell, American editor (1819-1891)
%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Conservative: A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished
from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, American author (1842-1914)
%
Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training.

	-- Anna Freud
%
Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.

	-- Lillian Hellman
%
Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the
beholder.
%
Donald Duck isn't all he's quacked up to be.
%
Don't be the first to use it: pioneers live in mud huts.
%
Diplomat: an unwise thing to call "Knuckles" Lomat.
%
Don't surrender your individuality, which is your greatest agent of power, to
the customs and conventionalities that have got their life from the great
mass... Do you want power in the world? Then be yourself.

	-- Ralf WaldoTrine
%
Deep peace of the Running Wave to you.
Deep peace to the Flowing Air to you.
Deep peace to the Quiet Earth to you.
Deep peace to the Shining Stars to you.
Deep peace to the Son of peace to you.

	-- Celtic benediction
%
Do all the good that you can and make as little fuss about it as possible.
%
Dreamer, Healer, Catalyst.
You  loved not all the wisely.
A knight without armour -
Not even a scrap of steel
To shield your heart
Or hide the scars.
You left behind the enigma
Of your absence
And the sure knowledge
That I shall never meet you like.
If I could, for you,
I believe
In heaven.
%
Don't believe in superstition - it brings bad luck.
%
Democracy is the least satisfactory form of government, except for all the
others.
%
Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality.
%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
%
Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.
%
Diamond: A chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
%
Down with gravity.
%
Don't ever stand up to be counted or someone will take your seat.
%
Don't confuse me with the facts - my mind is made up.
%
Democracy rules 40% OK, 45% NO, 15% Don't know.
%
Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.
%
Death is hereditary.
%
Dogmatism is puppyism come to its full growth.
%
Dad: A bank provided by nature.
%
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes and no.
%
Desk: A waste paper basket with drawers.
%
Dieting is when the days seem longer and the meals shorter.
%
Democracy is too good to share with just anybody.
%
Don't mark the spot where you bury the hatchet.
%
Death and taxes may always be with us, but death at least doesn't get any worse.

	-- Los Angeles Times Syndicate
%
Death meant little to me.  It was the last joke in a series of bad jokes.

	-- Charles Bukowski
%
Decay is inherent in all compounded things.  Strive on with diligence.

	-- Buddha's last words
%
Drink wet cement and get really stoned.
%
Discretion is the salt, and fancy the sugar of life; the one preserves, the
other sweetens it.

	-- Bovee
%
Doctrine is nothing but the skin of truth set up and stuffed.

	-- Beecher
%
Don't be afraid to take a big step.  You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.

	-- David Lloyd George.
%
Don't be so humble.  You're not that great.

	-- Golda Meir
%
Dost thou love life?  Then do not squander time, for that's the stuff life is
made of.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Doctor: The only person that enjoys poor health.
%
Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.
%
Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern,
but impossible to enslave.

	-- Henry Peter Brougham, Scottish statesman and historian
(1778-1868)
%
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

	-- Will Rogers
%
Everything human is pathetic.  The secret source of humour itself is not joy
but sorrow.

	-- Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
%
Every age is fed on illusions, lest men should renounce life early and the
human race come to an end.

	-- Joseph Conrad
%
Every child is an artist.  The problem is how to remain an artist after he
grows up.

	-- Pablo Picasso
%
Every heart that has beat strong and cheerfully has left a hopeful impulse
behind it in the world, and bettered the tradition of mankind.

	-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
Every sentence that I utter must be understood not as an affirmation, but as a
question.

	-- Niels Bohr, Danish physicist (1885-1962)
%
Every successful person has had failures, but repeated failure is no guarantee
of eventual success
	-- Anonymous
%
Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

	-- Edgard Varese
%
Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.

	-- Albert Schweitzer
%
Experience is the hardest kind of teacher.  It gives you the test first, and
the lesson afterward.

	-- Anonymous
%
Exclusiveness is a characteristic of recent riches, high society, and the skunk.

	-- O'Malley
%
Examine what is said, not him who speaks.
%
Estate agents have two types of house. The ones you don't want and the ones you
can't afford.
%
Existentialism has no future.
%
Even bargains cost money.
%
Experience is what enables you to make the same mistake again without getting
caught.
%
Every time I start thinking that the world is moving too fast, I go to the Post
Office.
%
Envy is an admission of inferiority.
%
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
%
Eunuchs unite - you have nothing to lose.
%
Economist: One who tells you what to do with your money after you've spent it.
%
Education: What is left after you have forgotten everything you've been taught.
%
Expert: Someone that takes a subject you understand and makes it sound
confusing.
%
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to someone else.
%
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the world
happiness would lose its meaning If it were not balanced by sadness.

	-- Carl Jung
%
Eliminate something superfluous from your life. Break a habit. Do something
that makes you feel insecure. Carry out an action with complete attention and
intensity as if it were your last.

	-- Pierro Ferrucci
%
Everyone finds their own doorway to walk through. Each doorway you walk through
will bring you into a new space of being. As you create new spaces to walk
into, stand a moment in the doorway and review thee scene behind you then turn
and for a moment and be awe inspired with the wonder of the new space you have
created to step into. At least give yourself that moment.

	-- Gita Bellin
%
Every man takes the limits of his own field  of vision, for the limits if the
world.

	-- Arthur Schopenhauer
%
Everything  is out there waiting for you. All you have to do is walk up and
declare yourself in. No need for permission. You just need courage to say ,
Include me. Providing you have the energy to pull it off you can do what you
like. And the universal law, being impartial, Will only be delighted to deliver.

	-- Stuart Wilde
%
Every  journey of a thousand miles, begins with one step .
%
Earth knows no desolation.
She smells regeneration
In the moist breath of decay.

	-- George Meredith, The spirit of Earth in Autumn (1862)
%
Every good and excellent thing in the world stands moment by moment on the
razor edge of danger and must be fought for.

	-- Thorton Wilder, The skin of our teeth (1942)
%
Every one of those millions of human beings is in some form seeking
happiness...  Not one is altogether noble nor altogether  trustworthy no
altogether consistent, and not one is altogether vile.  Not a single one but
has at sometime wept.

	-- Herbert George Wells, The outline of history (1920)
%
Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you
get
from not reading it.
%
Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
%
Everyone wants a bus service to their door, but no one wants a bus service in
their
street.
%
Everybody thinks himself well-bred.
%
Ejukashun never done me no good.
%
Fortune is like the market, where many times, if you can stay a little, the
price will
fall.
%
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
%
Friends may come and friends may go but enemies accumulate.
%
Fortress: A female fort.
%
Foot: A politician's pacifier.
%
Free Speech: Using someone else's telephone.
%
Flower Power rules, bouquet.
%
Fighting for peace is a contradiction in terms.
%
Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.
%
Fear is an illusion.
%
Falling in love is actually a powerful experience of feeling the Universe move
through you. The other person has become a channel in you, a catalyst that
triggers you to open up to love, beauty and compassion within.

	-- Shakti Gawain
%
Friendship is tested in the thick years of success rather than in the thin
years of struggle.

	-- Barry Humphries
%
Famine may seem to be the last, the most dreadful resource of nature. The power
of population is so superior to the power of the earth to provide
subsistence's.  that premature death must in some  shape or other visit the
human race.

	-- Thomas Robert Malthus, Essay on the principles of population
(1798)
%
For as there are misanthropists, or hates, there are also misologists, or
haters of ideas, and both springs from the same cause, which is ignorance of
the world.

	-- Plato (428 - 348 BC), Phaedo
%
Fear is not of the present, but only of the past and future, which does not
exist.

	-- A course in miracles
%
Fight for the right to pretend to work.
%
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without
knowledge, of things without parallel.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, American author (1842-1914)
%
Fuelled by a million man made wings of fire
The rocket tore a tunnel through the sky
And everyone cheered.
Fuelled only by a thought of God the seedling,
urged its way through the thickness of black
as it pierced The heavy ceiling of the soil
and launched itself up into the outer space
No one even clapped.
%
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.

	-- George Santayana
%
Farming looks easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from
a cornfield.

	-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six
months.

	-- Oscar Wilde, British playwright, poet, and novelist
(1854-1900)
%
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of
their own.

	-- Doug Larson
%
Figure it out.  Work a lifetime to pay off a house.  You finally own it and
there's no one to live in it.

	-- Arthur Miller, "Death of a Salesman"
%
For my part, the longer I live the less I feel the need of any sort of
theological belief, and the more I am content to let unseen powers go on their
way with me and mine without question or distrust.

	-- John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
%
Frequent punishments are always a sign of weakness or laziness on the part of a
government.

	-- Jean Jacques Rousseau
%
For successful propaganda you need proper geese.
%
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
%
Greater than the tread of mighty armies is an idea whose time has come.
%
Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains.

	-- Jane Hopkins
%
Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration.

	-- Thomas Alva Edison
%
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

	-- Mark Twain
%
God may be in my head; and in my understanding;
God may be in my eyes; and in my looking;
God may be in my mouth; and in my speaking;
God may be in my heart; and in my thinking;
God may be at  my end; and at my departing.
%
Go and learn from your teachers and your religions until you are bored. Then
seek the answer that feels right within your soul. When the truth feels right,
that is you soul rejoicing, because the grandest truth is unlimited freedom  -
whatever allows you to experience any truth you desire.

	-- Ramtha
%
Girls are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand.

	-- Benny Hill
%
Give sadists a fair crack of the whip.
%
God bless atheism.
%
Guy Fawkes where are you now that we need you?
%
General notions are generally wrong.
%
Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
%
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs
pounding.

	-- Abraham Kaplan
%
Give me a lever long enough, and a prop strong enough.  I can single handedly
move the world.

	-- Archimedes, Greek mathematician (287?-212 B.C)
%
Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities.

	-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor
kick ourselves too easily.

	-- Anonymous
%
Good judgement comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad
judgement.

	-- Anonymous
%
Goodness is the only investment that never fails.

	-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his
moccasins for two weeks.

	-- Sioux Indian Prayer
%
Gossip: Something that runs down more people than cars.
%
Guy Fawkes was the sanest man who ever went into the Houses of Parliament and
look what happened to him.
%
Good-nature and good sense are usually companions.
%
Genius is born, not paid.
%
Geography is everywhere.
%
Genius is patience.
%
Guarantee: A legal vehicle which expires on the same day as your mechanical one.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

	-- Steven Wright
%
Hollywood: The place where the inmates run the asylum.
%
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
%
Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got.
%
He that has many friends, has no friends.
%
He that has no children brings them up well.
%
Home: A place where a man can say what he likes, because no-one listens to him
anyway.
%
Happiness is no laughing matter.
%
Happy is the man who can make a living from his hobby.
%
Happiness is contagious
%
Hitch your wagon to a star.
%
He who is over-cautious will accomplish little.
%
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.
%
He that is afraid to shake the dice will never throw a six.
%
How will I know if I'm enlightened?
%
How can I know what I say  'Til I see What I think?
%
How soon will you realise that the only thing you don't have is the direct
experience that there's nothing you need that you don't have?

	-- Ken Keyes
%
He walked with his feet on the roadway,
A path that was clearly defined.
But the journey that really had measuring
Was the one  that took place in his mind.
%
Whenever he came to a crossroad
He had his choices to make,
but his legs played no part in the choosing
Which roads he must take
%
Wisdom lay not in his  muscles
Nor in the soles of his feet.
I came from the light of achievement,
It came form the mud of defeat.
The further one walks, the more crossroads.
And the harder the choices become.
In a country that's strange or unfriendly
The ignorant soon succeed.
%
And there's four different  path's to be taken
None that can be safety ignored.
Even the one that's been travelled
Need to be further explored.
%
For there's always a road to friendship
And there's always a road to fame
And there's always a road to danger
	- And a road that's wants walking again.
%
He who isn't busy being is busy dying.

	-- Bod Dylan
%
He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will find
good.
%
Hari-kiri takes some guts.
%
How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?
%
He does not believe that does not live according to his belief.
%
Happiness is not what you experience but what you remember.
%
He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight
whisky.
%
Have a lovely day, dear friend.
%
He who throws dirt loses ground.
%
Home is where, if you have no place to go, they gotta take you in.
%
He who possesses most must be most afraid of loss.
%
He that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent.
%
He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.
%
Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle.
%
He who hesitates is bossed.
%
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
%
He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
%
Hope: Enjoyment of the future in advance.
%
Have you ever noticed that wrong numbers are never busy?
%
He made no friend who never made a foe.
%
"Hamlet" is just a bunch of quotations strung together.
%
Half a man's life is devoted to what he calls improvements, yet the original
had some quality which is lost in the process.

	-- E. B. White, American author (1899-1985)
%
Harmony seldom makes a headline.

	-- Silas Bent, American writer (1882-1945)
%
He is happiest who hath power to gather wisdom from a flower.

	-- Mary Howitt
%
He is not an honest man who has burned his tongue and does not tell the company
that the soup is hot.

	-- Yugoslav proverb
%
He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

	-- William Shakespeare
%
He that is proud eats up himself; pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his
own chronicle.

	-- William Shakespeare
%
He that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools.

	-- Confucius
%
He who hurries cannot walk with dignity.

	-- Fortune cookie
%
He who is sorry for having sinned is almost  innocent.

	-- Seneca
%
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.

	-- M. C. Escher
%
He whose face gives no light shall never become a star.

	-- William Blake, English poet and artist (1757-1827)
%
Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.

	-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never
learn anything from history.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Here's to your love, health, and wealth--and time to enjoy each.

	-- Spanish Proverb
%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

	-- W.C. Fields
%
How can you expect to govern a country that has two hundred and forty-six kinds
of cheese?

	-- Charles de Gaulle
%
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

	-- H. G. Wells
%
I always say that, next to a battle lost, the greatest misery is a battle
gained.

	-- The Duke of Wellington
%
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

	-- William Allen White, American journalist (1868-1944)
%
I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.

	-- Jules Renard
%
I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep going forward.

	-- Charlotte Bronte, English author (1816-1855)
%
I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an
obligation; every possession, a duty.

	-- John D. Rockefeller
%
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.

	-- Isaac Asamov.
%
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

	-- Mark Twain
%
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem
	-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.

	-- Marshall McLuhan
%
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
I got a simple rule about everybody.  If you don't treat me right, shame on you.

	-- Louis Armstrong, American jazz musician (1900-1971)
%
If you don't ever take a chances
you won't reach the rainbows.
If you don't ever search
you'll never be able to find.
If you don't attempt to get over
your douts and fears
You'll never discover  how  wonderful
it is to live without them.
If you don't keep your dreams alive
you won't have your dreams any longer
%
But ...
If you take a chance now and then
seek and search, discover and dream
grow and go through each day
with the knowledge that you can only take as much as you can give
and you can only get as much out of life
as you allow yourself to live ...
%
Then ...
you can be truly happy.
You can realise  dream or two along the way,
you can make s habit of reaching out for rainbows
and colouring your life with wonderful days.
%
`It can't happen here'   is Number 1 on the list of famous last words.

	-- David Crosby
		  Rock singer and musician
%
In alchemy it is stated that whenever we define the space from which we are
responsible, everything is given within that space. It is as if the whole
Universe comes down and sits at our feet... ready to be used for God's plan on
Earth.

	-- Reshad Feild
%
In all activities of life from trivial to important the secret of efficiently
lies in an ability to combine two seemingly incompatible states - a state of
maximum activity and a state of maximum relaxation.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
It is an orderly universe, and the suffering that comes to us has a purpose in
our lives - it is trying to teach us something. We should look for its lesson.

	-- Peace Pilgram
%
I am me.
In all the world there in no one else exactly like me, but no one who adds up
exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically
mine because I alone chose it.

	-- Virginia Satir
%
I'm not sure I can find the words,
to tell you how I feel,
but I'll give it a shot,
%
Have you every seen a sunset,
from a clifftop, when the sun's just,
a silver of molten gold on the horizon,
and the sky changes from a midnight blue,
with all the beautiful colours in between?
That's the beauty I see when you smile at me,
%
Have you ever heard a sound,
that made you feel confused,
lovestruck, dazed, joyful and,
ecstatic all in one moment?
That's what happens to me when I hear ,
the sound of your name
%
Have you ever met someone,
Who made you look at yourself and think
that you  were useless compared to them?
That you were nothing  and they were everything
and yet they were still your friend?
that's what you do to me
%
Have you ever needed,
someone to trust, to talk to,
someone who would look after you the best they could?
that's what I'll do for you, If you'll let me.
%
I never give out my zodiac sign. Do you honestly think I can be pushed around
by a planet? Good heavens, your divine nature is always free.

	-- Peace Pilgrim
%
I never came upon any of my discoveries through the process of rational
thinking.

	-- Albert Einstein.
%
If I had my  life to live over
I'd like to,  make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax, I  would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.
I would climb more mountains and swimmer rivers.
I would eat more ice-cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
But I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
You see. I'm one of those people
Who live sensibly and sanely
hour after hour, day after day
Oh, I've had my moments, and if
I had to do it again, I'd have
more of them. In fact, I'd try to
have nothing else.  Just moments.
one after another, instead of
living so many years ahead of each day.
I've been one of those persons
who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer , a hot water bottle, a raincoat,
and a parachute.
If I had to do it again. I would
travel lighter than I have .
I would start barefoot earlier
in the spring and stay that way
later in the fall.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-arounds.
I would pick more daisies.

	-- Nadine Stair
%
In the beginners mind there are many possibilities. But in the expert's there
are few.

	-- Shuryu Suzuki
%
If you are seeking creative ideas, go out walking. Angles whisper to a man when
he comes for a walk.

	-- Raymond Inmon
%
In a world where death is the hunter, my friend, there is no time for regrets
or doubt. There is only time for decisions.

	-- Carlos Castandea
%
If you are never scared, or embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take
chances.

	-- Julia Soul
%
I learned that nothing is impossible when we follow our inner guidance, even
when its direction may threaten us by reversing our usual logic.

	-- Gerald Jamolsky
%
It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do
little. Do what you can
	-- Sydney Smith
%
If you must begin then go all the way, because if you begin and quit the
unfinished business you have left behind will haunt you for  all time. The path
is like getting onto a train that you cannot get off.
You ride on and on
	-- Trungpa Rinpoche
%
It is not because things are difficult that we don not dare; It is because we
do no dare that the are difficult.

	-- Seneca
%
I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live
deep and suck out the marrow of life, to put to rest all that was not life when
I had some to death discover I had not lived.
%
If I could turn you on , if I could drive you out of your wretched mind, If I
could tell you I would let you know.
%
I don't know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been
only a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself in now and then
finding a smother pebble of a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great
oceans of truth lay all undiscovered before me.

	-- Sir Isaac Newton (1642 - 1727)
%
I stood
Among them, but not one of them; in a shroud
Of thoughts which  were not their thoughts.

	-- George Noel Gordon, Lord Byron, Childe Harlod's pilgrimage
(1812)
%
It's not enough to help the feeble up, but to support him after.
%
I want to know what it says.... The sea, Floy, what it is that it keeps on
saying
	-- Charles Dickens, Dombey and son (1848)
%
In its essence, the delight of sexual love, the gentle spasms, is a sensation
of resurrections, of renewing our life in one and other, for only in others can
we renew our life and so be perpetuate ourselves.

	-- Niguel De Unamuno, the tragic sense of life (1913)
%
It  is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we can not dodge the
consequences of dogging our responsibilities.
%
It is astonishing that anyone  can squander away in absolute idleness one
single moment of that small portion of time which is allotted to us in the
world.
%
I see them stark mute, but inwardly I prate
	I am, and am mot, I freeze and yet am burned,
Since from myself my other self I turned.

	-- Elizabeth 1 (1553 - 1603), Finis, Eliza regima, Ashmoles
	   Museum Manuscript
%
I acknowledge the Furies.
	I believe in them, I have heard the disastrous beating of their wings.

	-- Theodore Dreiser, Letter to Grant Richards (1911)
%
I saw eternity the other night,
Like a great ring of pure and endless light,
	all calm as it was bright;
And around the hours, days,  years,
	Driv'n by the spheres,
Like a vast shadow mov'd in which the world
All her train were hurled.

	-- Henery Vaughn,  The World (1678)
%
If I am not extreme I am not in the same way as you
Against natures silence I use action
In the vast indifference I invent a meaning
I don' watch unmoved I intervene and say that this are wrong and I
work to alter them and improve them
The important thing
is to pull yourself up by you own hair
to turn yourself inside out
as to see the whole world with fresh eyes
%
I have seen the bird of paradise,
she has spread herself before me,
and I shall never be the same again.
There is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing. Exactly.
The life I am trying to grasp is that is  trying to grasp it.
%
If nobody smiled and nobody cheered, and nobody helped us along, If each every
minute looked after himself, And the good things all went too strong. If nobody
cared just a little for you, and nobody thought about me, And we all stood in
the battle of life, What a dreary old place this would be!
%
Imagination.....
is one of the motivating agencies that helps transform your beliefs into
physical experience. To dislodge unsuitable beliefs and establish new ones, the
proper use of imagination can then propel ideas in any direction you desire.

	-- Seth
%
If you built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they
should be. Now put the foundations under them!

	-- Henery David Thoreau
%
Instead of seeing the rug pulled from under us, we can learn to dance on a
shifting carpet.

	-- Thomas Crum
%
Its wondrous what a hug can do
A hug can cheer you when you' re blue.
A hug can say, ` I love you so,'
or, ` Gee I have to see you again,'
%
A hug is, `Welcome back again !'
and, ` Great to see you !' or
`Where've you been?'
%
A hug can soothe a child's pain
And bring a rainbow after rain
%
The hug! There's just no dout about it
We scarcely could survive without it.
A hug delights and warms and charms,
It must be why God gave us arms.
%
Hugs are great for fathers and mothers,
Sweet for sisters, swell for brothers,
and chances are some favourites aunts
love them more than plotted plants
%
Kittens crave them, Puppies love them
Heads of state are not above them
a hug can break the language barrier
And make the dullest day seem merrier
%
No need to fret about the store of `em
The more you give, the more there
are of  `em
%
So stretch out your arms without delay
and give someone a hug today.
%
I have long considered it one of god's greatest mercies that the future is
hidden from us.  If it were not, life would surely be unbearable.

	-- Eugene Forsey
%
I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made
one.

	-- James G. Bennet
%
I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.

	-- Winston Churchill
%
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate
people like that!

	-- Tom Lehrer, Satirist and Professor
%
I look forward to an America which will not be afraid of grace and beauty.

	-- John F. Kennedy
%
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death,
your right to say it.

	-- Voltaire, French writer and philosopher (1694-1778)
%
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
I once played a sheriff who thought he could do the job without a gun.  I was
dead in twenty-seven minutes of a thirty minute show.

	-- Ronald Reagan
%
I predict that exact reproduction through cloning will not become popular.  Too
many people already find it difficult to live with themselves.

	-- Jeanne Dixon
%
I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom.

	-- Anatole France
%
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.

	-- Woodrow Wilson
%
I will answer anything I can with honour, but not about others.

	-- John Brown, American abolitionist (1800-1859)
%
I would rather be attacked than unnoticed.  For the worst thing you can do to
an author is to be silent as to his works.

	-- Samuel Johnson
%
I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
I'm always fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact.

	-- Diane Sawyer
%
I'm an idealist.  I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my  way.

	-- Carl Sandburg
%
I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.

	-- Mark Twain
%
I'm very critical of the U.S., but get me outside the country and all of a
sudden I can't bring myself to say one nasty thing about the U.S.

	-- Saul Alinsky, American political activist (1902-1972)
%
I've been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn't require my
presence.

	-- Gary Trudeau
%
I've gone into hundreds of (fortune-tellers' parlours), and have been told
thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready
to arrest her.

	-- N. Y. C. detective
%
I've never met a healthy person who worried much about his health or a good
person who worried much about his soul.

	-- Haldane
%
I've often said that my rats have taught me much more than I've taught them.

	-- B. F. Skinner
%
If, while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a
particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment is glutted.

	-- Marguerite Emmons
%
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

	-- Dorothy Law Nolte.
%
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably
be Labor Day weekend.

	-- Doug Larson
%
If death did not exist today it would be necessary to invent it.

	-- Count Jean Baptiste Milhoud
%
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the
airport.

	-- George Winters
%
If God lived on earth, people would knock out all his windows.

	-- Yiddish saying
%
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders
of giants.
	 	- Sir Isaac Newton
%
If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who
considered his work important.

	-- Bertrand Russell
%
If poetry comes not as naturally as the leaves to a tree, it better not come at
all.

	-- John Keats
%
If the aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.

	-- Stanley Garn
%
If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

	-- Abraham Maslow
%
If there is a gun hanging on the wall in the first act, it must fire in the
last.

	-- Anton Chehkov, advice to a novice playwright.
%
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

	-- Art Hoppe
%
If time be of all things most precious, wasting time must be the greatest
prodigality, since lost time is never found again; and what we call time enough
always proves little enough.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitable.

	-- John F. Kennedy
%
If we take science as our sole guide, if we accept and hold fast that alone
which is verifiable, the old theology must go.

	-- John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them
	-- Harry S. Truman, U.S. President  (1884-1972)
%
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well dance with it.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something
in them to hang him.

	-- Cardinal Richelieu
%
If you hear a wise sentence or an apt phrase, commit it to your memory.

	-- Sir Henry Sidney
%
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principle difference between a dog and a man.

	-- Mark Twain
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

	-- Earl Wilson
%
If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on
his first date.

	-- Olin Miller
%
If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a few blisters.

	-- Dear Abby
%
If you want to make enemies, try to change something.

	-- President Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)
%
If you're strong enough, there are no precedents.

	-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%
Imagination, not invention, is the supreme master of art as of life.

	-- Joseph Conrad, Polish-born author (1857-1924)
%
Imagination is more important than knowledge.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
In a painting I want to say something comforting.

	-- Vincent van Gogh
%
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

	-- Robert Benchley
%
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary, 'patriotism' is defined as the last resort
of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior
lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first.

	-- Ambrose Bierce, American writer
%
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed
in making those idiots understand their language.

	-- Mark Twain
%
In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.

	-- Anne Frank
%
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or
becomes true.

	-- John Lilly
%
In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.

	-- Pliny the Elder
%
In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.

	-- Orben's Current Commedy
%
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.

	-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

	-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water loses its purity, and in cold weather
becomes frozen, even so does inaction sap the vigors of the mind.

	-- Leonardo Da Vinci
%
Is there life before death?

	-- Belfast Graffito
%
Isn't it strange?  The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take
economists seriously.

	-- Anonymous
%
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust
into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the
inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell
	-- Ambrose Bierce, American writer
%
It is always brave to say what everyone thinks.

	-- Georges Duhamel, French author (1884-1966)
%
It is always easier to believe than to deny.  Our minds are naturally
affirmative.

	-- John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
%
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
			- Andrew W. Mathis
%
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and
remove all doubt.

	-- Anonymous
%
It can't happen here is Number 1 on the list of famous last words
	-- David Crosby, rock singer and musician
%
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man
to enter into the kingdom of god.

	-- Matthew 19:24
%
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

	-- Alfred Adler, Father of Individual Psychology (1870-1937)
%
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

	-- Woody Allen
%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious
	-- Anonymous
%
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not
desirable,  as one's hat keeps blowing off.

	-- Woody Allen
%
It is neither wealth nor splendour, but tranquillity and occupation, that gives
happiness.

	-- Thomas Jefferson
%
It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am
serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself.

	-- Salvador Dali
%
It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.

	-- Pierre Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais, French
author-dramatist 			(1732-1799)
%
It is not what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable.

	-- Moliere
%
It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of leading causes of
statistics.

	-- Fletcher Knebel
%
It is odd, is it not, that a person's worth to society by is measured by their
wealth, when instead their wealth should be measured by their worth to society.

	-- A. Cygni
%
It is people who live by the rules that are always hoping to get them changed.

	-- Robert Harbison
%
It is perfectly true that the government is best which govern least.  It is
equally true that the government is best which provides most.

	-- Walter Lippmann
%
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception,
is composed of others.

	-- John Andrew Holmes
%
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship god but to create him.

	-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

	-- Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
%
It was a blonde.  A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass
window.

	-- Raymond Chandler, "Farewell, my lovely."
%
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been always
thus.

	-- Dean Lattimer
%
It would be as useless to perceive how things 'actually look' as it would be to
watch the random dots on untuned television screens.

	-- Marvin Minsky
%
If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.
%
It is true that liberty is precious - so precious it must be rationed.
%
I'd be a pessimist, but it wouldn't work anyway.
%
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
%
I can resist everything except temptation.
%
If at first you don't succeed, have you considered becoming a personnel officer?
%
I base everything on the idea that all men are basically just seven years old.
%
Inflation rates testify to the worldwide popularity of wishful thinking.
%
It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frog's legs are edible.
%
If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it
ain't.
%
If there were no clouds, we wouldn't enjoy the sun.
%
If they give you lined paper, write across 'em.
%
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of absolute poverty.
%
I don't mind going to work. I don't mind coming home. It's the bit in between
that I
don't like.
%
I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I.
%
I used to use cliches all the time but now I avoid them like the plague.
%
I don't make jokes - I just watch the government and report the facts.
%
It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.

	-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
It's not the things we don't know that get us into trouble; it's the things we
do know that aint so.

	-- Will Rogers
%
It's not true that nice guys finish last.  Nice guys are winners before the
game even starts.

	-- Addison Walker
%
It's said that pigeons are the smartest people around; they're always getting
the drop on the rest of us.

	-- Anonymous
%
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time either.
%
If you laid all the economists in the world end to end they'd never reach a
conclusion.
%
If you never lie, you don't have to remember anything.
%
I used to be conceited but now I'm absolutely perfect.
%
If people looked like their passport photos, very few nations would let them in.
%
If you don't take care of your customer, someone else will.
%
If you keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand
the problem.
%
If you want the last word in an argument, say 'Yes your right'.
%
It was as colourful as a black hole...
%
If whales are so damned clever why do they keep swimming near Japan?
%
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it
through
not dying.
%
I hate to spread rumours, but what else can you do with them.
%
If you can't beat them with brains, baffle them with bull.
%
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
%
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people that annoy me.
%
I wouldn't be paranoid if people didn't pick on me.
%
If your feeling down, just remember that the sun sinks every night - but it
raises
again in the morning.
%
In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark".
%
If you can actually count your money, you are not really a rich man.
%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
%
It was as dark as the inside of a cabinet minister....
%
Impossible: Something that nobody can do until somebody does it.
%
I think sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
%
It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees
%
Increased profits mean more work for everyone.
%
If a job's worth doing, the Japanese have probably already done it.
%
In the long run we are all dead.
%
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you
don't have to work.
%
If you keep your mouth shut you'll never put your foot in it.
%
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
%
It is better to live rich than to die rich.
%
If the first person who answers the phone can't answer your question, it's a
bureaucracy.
%
In defeat he was indomitable, in victory insufferable.
%
If you want to walk the streets safely at night, carry a projector and the
slides from your last holiday.
%
In good software, the simple things should be easy, and the complicated things
should be possible.
%
I am not aware that any community has the right to force another to be
civilised.
%
If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky-diving.
%
In a world of individuals, how can there be comparisons?
%
I thought I'd taught my son right from wrong, until he became a parking
inspector.
%
If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
%
It is difficult to win an argument when your opponent is unencumbered with a
knowledge of the facts.
%
If at first you don't succeed, try again - then give up, no sense in being a
damn fool about it.
%
In six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea and all that is in them - he
was self-employed.
%
I think, therefore I am. I think.
%
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
%
It's okay to miss your first wife as long as your aim is improving
%
I couldn't care less about apathy.
%
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
%
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
%
If you drop a jam sandwich onto the floor, the probability of it landing jammy
side down is directly proportional to the cost of the floor covering.
%
I never met a carbohydrate I didn't like.
%
It takes two to make a marriage succeed and only one to make it fail.
%
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
%
If you wish to please people, you must begin by understanding them.
%
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what is going on.
%
If you're not confused, you're misinformed.
%
If you think your wife's jewellery is an investment, try selling a few pieces.
%
If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
%
If somebody tries to explain something to you and you still don't understand,
that
is not your fault. It is his.
%
It takes two to make a marriage: A girl and her mother.
%
Irish cocktail: A pint of Guiness with a potato in it.
%
If you have always done it that way, it's probably wrong.
%
If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women.
%
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
%
I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.
%
Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers.
%
If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles.
%
I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
%
It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
%
In chaos lies opportunity.
%
If you have to ask yourself whether your happy, your not.
%
It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
%
I wish I were what I was when I wished I were what I am now.
%
I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
%
I bet you I could stop gambling.
%
Imagination is more important than knowledge.

	-- Einstein
%
If you give a woman an inch she'll park a car in it.
%
It is better to forget, than remember and regret.
%
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
%
In any organisation, everyone rises to the level of his own incompetence.
%
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need one.
%
I am not young enough to know everything.
%
If you explain something so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
%
If I hurry I'll be late.
%
I think, therefore I'm not a politician.
%
It had only one fault. It was useless.
%
It is impossible to make things foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
%
If all the year were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to
work.
%
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we
couldn't.
%
It is now proved beyond all doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of
statistics.
%
Join the Hernia Society. It needs your support.
%
Justice is truth in action.
%
Jury: Twelve people who determine which side has the best Lawyer.
%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not all out to get you.
%
Just think - maybe the Joneses are trying to keep up with you.
%
Journalists are like whores; as high as their ideals may be, they still have to
resort to tricks to make money.

	-- A. Cygni
%
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library
out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Justice is incidental to law and order.

	-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
Journalists are born. Why, nobody knows.
%
Jesus Saves - but Maradona scores on the rebound.
%
Keep things as they are. Vote for the Sado-Masochist Party.
%
Killing the dog will not cure the bite.
%
Kind words are the music of the world.
%
Keep true, never be ashamed of doing right; decide on what you think is right
and stick to it.
%
Knowledge is power.
%
Knowing your destination is half the journey.
%
Keep death off the roads. Drive on the pavement.
%
Keep a stiff upper chin.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Life is just one damned thing after another.
%
Living in the past has one thing in its favour - it's cheap.
%
Little strokes fell great oaks.
%
Letter to a friend from a man in a diet clinic: Help! Send me a file with a cake in it.
%
Living in the lap of luxury isn't bad, except you never know when luxury is
going to stand up.
%
Logical thinking cannot yield us any knowledge of the empirical world; All
knowledge of reality starts from experience and ends in it, propositions
arrived at by purely logical means are completely empty of reality.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Lao Tzu fell asleep and dreamt he was a butterfly. Upon wakening he asked  Am I
a man who has just been dreaming that he was a butterfly? Or a sleeping
butterfly now dreaming he is a man?

	-- Lao Tzu
%
Love it  the way it is! The way you see the world depends entirely on your own
vibration. When your vibration changes, the whole world will look different.
It's like those days when everyone seems smiling at you because you feel happy.

	-- Thaddeus Golas
%
Live as you will have
wished to have lived
when you are dying.

	-- Gellert
%
Life's a pretty precious and wonderful thing. You can't sit down and let it lap
around you.... you have to plunge into it, you have to dive through it.

	-- Kyle Crichton
%
Love who you are, what you are and what you do. Laugh at yourself and at life,
and nothing can touch you. It's all temporary anyway. Next lifetime you will do
it differently anyway, so why not do it differently now?

	-- Louise L.Hay
%
Life was never meant to be a struggle, just a gentle progression from one point
to another, much like walking through a valley on a sunny day.

	-- Stuart Wilde
%
Love is blind. Friendship closes its eyes.
%
Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.
%
Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to be a secret.
%
Love is a many-gendered thing.
%
Little white lies are for golfers.
%
Life can be tragic - here today, here tomorrow.
%
Life is just a bowl of toenails.
%
Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away.
%
Legalise telepathy. - I knew you were going to say that.
%
Life is a hereditary disease.
%
Laziness is no good unless it is well carried out.
%
Love is a mirror.
%
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
%
Law may not change the heart, but it can restrain the heartless.
%
Laughter is a tranquilliser with no side effects.

	-- Anonymous
%
Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail.

	-- Luciano Pavarotti
%
Less than fifteen per cent of the people do any original thinking on any
subject.... The greatest torture in the world for most people is to think.

	-- Luther Burbank, American horticulturist (1849-1926)
%
Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.

	-- G”the
%
Let us so endeavour to live, that when we come to die, even the undertaker will
be sorry.

	-- Mark Twain.
%
Let's have some new cliches.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Life is an unbroken succession of false situations.

	-- Thornton Wilder, American playwright (1897-1975)
%
Logic is a system whereby one may go wrong with confidence.

	-- Charles Kettering
%
Love cures people; both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it.

	-- Dr. Karl Menninger
%
Love your neighbours, but don't pull down the fence.

	-- Chinese proverb.
%
Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.

	-- Russell Banks
%
Love built on beauty, soon as beauty dies.
%
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; snore, and you snore alone.
%
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
%
Murphy's best friend was a computer.
%
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
%
Mrs. Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong it will, while HE'S out of town.
%
Many a man has caught his death of a cold getting up in the middle of the night
to go home to his wife.
%
Macho does not prove mucho.
%
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.
%
My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead.
%
Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler.
%
Most decisions, possibly all, have already been made on some deeper level and
my going through a reasoning process to arrive at them seems at least
redundant. The question,  What do I want to do ? may be a fearful reaction to
the subconscious decision I have already made.

	-- Hugh Parther
%
Man's greatest inheritance is the gift of speech. The gift of words is the gift
of imagination.
%
Music is the poetry of sound.
%
Many people don't plan to fail, they just fail to plan
%
Man is the remarkable being that can scale a mountain and be defeated by a
molehill
%
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
%
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
%
My Uncle Fred died of asbestosis - it took six months to cremate the poor
bugger.
%
Make your M.P. work - don't re-elect him.
%
Money is not everything, usually that isn't even enough.
%
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
%
Mediocrity is excellence to the mediocre.
%
Money never made a fool of anybody; it only shows 'em up.
%
Middle age is when wherever you go you take a jumper.
%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
%
Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Man is a credulous animal and must believe something.  In the absence of good
grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones.

	-- Bertrand Russel, British philosopher (1872-1970)
%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to
act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

	-- Oscar Wilde, British playwright, poet, and novelist (1854-1900)
%
Man is an infant, with the toys of a child, and delusions of adulthood.

	-- A. Cygni, Philosopher
%
Man is only happy as he finds a work worth doing, and does it well.

	-- E. Merrill Root
%
Man is the only animal that blushes... or needs to.

	-- Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
%
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick
himself up and continue on.

	-- Winston Churchill, British statesman and writer (1874-1965)
%
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.

	-- Mae West.
%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

	-- Voltaire, French writer and philosopher (1694-1778)
%
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
Men don't change.  The only thing new in the world is the history you don't
know.

	-- President Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
%
Men like to pursue an elusive woman like a cake of wet soap - even men who hate
baths.

	-- Gelett Burgess
%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
Miracles happen to those who believe in them.  Otherwise why does not the
Virgin Mary appear to Lamaists, Mohammedans, or Hindus who have never heard of
her.

	-- Bernard Berenson, American art authority (1865-1959)
%
Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
Money is like an arm or leg: use it or lose it.

	-- Henry Ford
%
Money may be the husk of many things, but not the kernel.  It buys you food,
but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends;
servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness.

	-- Henrik Ibsen
%
Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a room.

	-- Blaise Pascal
%
My husband gave me a permanent wave, and now he's gone.

	-- Dawn Messer
%
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

	-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a
bank note, for two twenties.

	-- Douglas Jerrold
%
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit
who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our
frail and feeble mind.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Many men fancy that what they experience they also understand.
%
Man is planned obsolescence.
%
My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.
%
Never could any increase of comfort or security be a sufficient good to be
bought at the price of liberty.

	-- Hilaire Belloc
%
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

	-- Cordel Hull
%
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.

	-- Billy Rose
%
Never mistake knowledge for wisdom.  One helps you make a living; the other
helps you make a life.

	-- Sandra Carey
%
Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them what to do, and they will
suprise you with their ingenuity.

	-- General George S Patton, Jr.
%
No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough,
'twill serve....

	-- Mercutio, Romeo & Juliet, Act III, scene I, William
Shakespeare
%
No affectation of peculiarity can conceal a commonplace mind.

	-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
Notice the difference between what happens when a man says to himself  I have
failed three times, and what happens when he says,  I am a failure.

	-- S.I. Hayakawa
%
Nothing can hurt you unless you give it the power to do so
	-- A course in miracles.
%
Not one man in a thousands has the strength or mind or the goodness of heart to
be an atheist
	-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Letter to Thomas Allsop ( CA 1820 )
%
Not what has happened to myself today but what has happened to others through
me - that should be my thought.
%
No one can safety rule but he that has learnt gladly to obey.
%
Nothing on earth can overcome an absolutely non-resistant person
	-- Florence Scovel Shinn
%
No sprit, quide, teacher or philosopher is higher than you! there in nothing
higher than you!

	-- Marhell N. Lever
%
No great advance has ever been made in science, politics, or religion, without
controversy.

	-- Lyman Beecher, American clergyman (1775-1863)
%
No great scoundrel is ever uninteresting.

	-- Murray Kempton
%
No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach.

	-- William Cowper, English poet (1731-1800)
%
No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself.

	-- Thomas Mann, German author (1875-1955)
%
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
		Eleanor Roosevelt
%
No one has ever bet enough on a winning horse.

	-- Richard Sasuly
%
No one really knows enough to be a pessimist.

	-- Norman Cousins
%
Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when everything else is up
in the air.

	-- Earl Wilson
%
Nostalgia is the realization that things weren't as unbearable as they seemed
at the time.

	-- Anonymous.
%
Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not to know how to
chase it away by work is a more shameful thing yet.

	-- Pericles
%
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Nothing is more intolerable than to have to admit to yourself your own errors.

	-- Beethoven
%
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
%
No one gets into trouble without his own help.
%
None as so old as those that have outlived enthusiasm.
%
No good deed goes unpunished.
%
Never hit a man when he's down. You may find he's bigger than you when he gets
up.
%
Not enough is being done for the apathetic.
%
Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.
%
No family should ever attempt a car trip if the children outnumber the windows.
%
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
%
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
%
No one ever hurt their eyes by looking at the bright side of life.
%
Necessity: A luxury you bought on credit.
%
Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious.
%
No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
%
No two persons ever read the same book.
%
No nation is so poor that it cannot afford free speech.
%
Never let your studies interfere with your education.
%
Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists
charge the
rent.
%
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
%
Nihilism means nothing to me.
%
Northern Ireland has a problem for every solution.
%
No man goes before his time. Unless, of course, the boss leaves early.
%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%
No one ever sat their way to success
%
Nothing you put in a banana split is as fattening as a spoon.
%
Nothing so needs reforming as other peoples habits.
%
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
%
Nothing is so firmly believed as that of which we know least.
%
Nothing is so easy as to deceive one's self; for what we wish, that we readily
believe.

	-- Demosthenes, Athenian orator and statesman (385?-322 B.C.)
%
Nothing so needs reforming as other peoples' habits.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Often it is fatal to live too long.

	-- Racine
%
Often you must turn your stylus to erase, if you hope to write anything worth a
second reading.

	-- Horace
%
One disadvantage of having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.

	-- Franklin P. Jones
%
One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.

	-- James Thurber, American humorist (1894-1961)
%
One man with courage is a majority.
%
One of the greatest lessons in life is to learn not to do what one likes but to
like what one does.
%
O cease! must hate and death return?
	Cease ! must men kill and die?
Cease ?  drain not its dregs the urn
	Of bitter prophecy.

	-- Percy Bysshe Shelley, Hellas (1821)
%
One oral utterance, which bodily states how you want your life to be, is worth
more than a dozen books read or lectures attend.
%
Old lawyers never die. They just lose their appeal.
%
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that you're always making exciting
discoveries.
%
Old professors never die. They just lose their faculties.
%
Old doctors never die. They just lose their patients.
%
Our computer doesn't actually do anything, its just there to blame for our
mistakes.
%
Old plumbers never die. They just go down the drain.
%
Old men are dangerous. It doesn't matter to them what is going to happen to the
world.
%
Objectivity is in the eyes of the beholder.
%
One of the times when silence annoys is when the car engine won't start.
%
Old teachers never die. They just lose their class.
%
On the day of victory no fatigue is felt.
%
One thing men can't understand about women is how well women understand
men.
%
OK, so I'm cured of schizophrenia, but where am I now when I need me?
%
Old fishermen never die. They just smell that way.
%
Our customer's paper work is profit. Our own paper work is loss.
%
Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.
%
Owing to lack of interest tomorrow has been cancelled.
%
One of these days is none of these days.
%
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
%
Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat.
%
Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet first.
%
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognise
them.
%
Only the young die good.
%
Our characters are the result of our conduct.

	-- Aristotle
%
One of the few rules of Evolution is that extreme specialization results in
eventual extinction.

	-- Hardin
%
One should never make one's debut in a scandal.  One should reserve that to
give interest to one's old age.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
One thing the world needs is popular government at popular prices.

	-- George Barker
%
One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong thing.

	-- Frank Sheed
%
Opinion says hot and cold, but the reality is atoms and empty space.

	-- Democritus, Greek philosopher (460?-370? B.C.)
%
Our bodies are our gardens, to which our wills are gardeners.

	-- William Shakespeare
%
Our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness.

	-- Vladimir Nabokov
%
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power.  We have guided missiles
and misguided men.

	-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
Over and over again mediocrity is promoted because real worth isn't to be found.

	-- Kathleen Norris, American author (1880-1960)
%
Patriotism is a lively sense of collective responsibility.  Nationalism is a
silly cock crowing on his own dunghill.

	-- Richard Aldington, English poet, novelist, critic (1892-1962)
%
Peace cannot be kept by force.  It can only be achieved by understanding.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Peace may cost as much as war, but it is a better buy.

	-- Anonymous
%
Pedestrians never seem to realise that they are a threat to the safety of cars.

	-- Thomas Sowell
%
People who feel well are sick people neglecting themselves.

	-- Jules Romains
%
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
%
Pseudo-intellectual: One who knows what "pseudo" means.
%
Progress is like a wheelbarrow - if you don't keep pushing it stops.
%
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
%
Physical reality is the biggest horror movie of all, and you know how we love
horror movies.  If the Universe as we see it from our vibration level is
illusory, than  that's all the more reason for enjoying it, and loving it,
instead of getting freaked out about it.

	-- Thaddeus Golas
%
Perception is a mirror not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind,
reflected outward.

	-- A  course in miracles.
%
People who deliberate full before they take a step will spend  their lives on
one leg.

	-- Anthony de Mello
%
Perhaps my dynamite plants will put an end to war sooner than your congress. On
the day two army corps can annihilate each other in one second, all civilised
nations will recoil on horror.

	-- Alfered Nobel to Bertha von Sutter, Peace congress in Switzerland, (1892)
%
Procrastination will rule one day, O.K.?
%
Psychologists say people with hobbies are not likely to go crazy - but this
doesn't apply to the people they live with.
%
Paradox: A truth standing on its head to attract attention.
%
Predestination was doomed to failure from the start.
%
Politics is the art of making it sound as if Father Christmas comes earlier in
the
year.
%
Please don't throw your cigarette butts on the floor - the cockroaches are
getting
cancer.
%
Power corrupts - absolute power is even more fun.
%
Persuasion rules OK - just this once?
%
Psychology: Getting habits out of a rat.
%
Plan for the future, because that is where your going to spend the rest of your
life.
%
Politics is the art of the possible.
%
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
%
Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.
%
Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be kept by understanding. Einstein
%
Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in
honour of a critic.
%
Prepare to meet thy God. (Evening dress optional)
%
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they
want that they really don't want it.

	-- Ogden Nash, American humorist and poet (1902-1971)
%
People who never get carried away should be.

	-- Malcolm S. Forbes, American publisher.
%
People will sleep better not knowing how their sausage and politics are made.

	-- Bismarck
%
Perfection, then, is finally achieved, not when there is nothing left to add,
but when there is nothing left to take away.

	-- Antoine de St. Exup‚ry
%
Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace
automation.

	-- John Tudor
%
Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build bridges even where
there are no rivers.

	-- Nikita Khrushchev
%
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.

	-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists of choosing between the
disastrous and the unpalatable.

	-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Poverty in a democracy is as much to be preferred to what is called prosperity
under despots, as freedom is to slavery.

	-- Democritus, Greek philosopher (460?-370? B.C.)
%
Poverty often deprives a man of all spirit and virtue.  It is hard for an empty
bag to stand upright.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Prejudice is the reason of fools.

	-- Voltaire
%
Probably all laws are useless; for good men do not want laws at all, and bad
men are made no better by them.

	-- Demonax (c 150 A.D.)
%
Proverbs are mental gems gathered in the diamond districts of the mind.

	-- W. R. Alger
%
Put more trust in nobility of character than in an oath.

	-- Solon
%
Que sera, sera is a lovely song, but a lously philosophy. Nothing worthwhile
was ever accomplished by anybody who met  life with a shrug. Instead your motto
should be : Que quiero sera  what ever I will, I will be.

	-- Edin C. Bliss
%
Quasimodo - that name rings a bell.
%
Rainbows apologize for angry skies.

	-- Sylvia A. Viorol
%
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

	-- Confucius
%
Real love stories never have endings.

	-- Richard Bach
%
Racial prejudice: A pigment of the imagination.
%
Religion is man's attempt to communicate with the weather.
%
Research is an organised method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with
what
you have.
%
Remember, it's as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.
%
Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right, adequately.
Waterbeds are cutting down the incidence of adultery - ever tried to crawl under
one?
%
Remember that opportunity is a dare - not a door.
%
Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
%
Remorse is the period between one hangover and another.
%
Recursion: see Recursion.
%
Rush hour: The hour when the traffic is almost at a standstill.
%
Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of.
%
Remember that failure is when you give up.
%
Really, we create nothing.  We merely plagiarize nature.

	-- Jean Baitaillon
%
Remember: the average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top.

	-- Anonymous
%
Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and to think what nobody else
has thought.

	-- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
%
Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a
summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float
across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.

	-- Sir J. Lubbock
%
Resting on one's laurels makes for an uncomfortable bed, and only crushes the
laurels.

	-- A. Cygni, Philosopher
%
Rich men without convictions are more dangerous in modern society than poor
women without chastity.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid rain makes them cleaner.

	-- Andrew Malcolm
%
Say what you will about the ten commandments; you must always come back to the
pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
Standing on your dignity is a very insecure footing.
%
Stamp out quicksand.
%
Suppose they held a war and nobody came?
%
Save energy - be apathetic.
%
Solicitor: A person that makes sure they get what's coming to you.
%
Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position.
%
Stop free-wheeling, get into gear, and do something with your life.  There are
many avenues to explore, so why not explore them? Never be afraid to step out
into the unknown. Do it fearlessly, always expecting the very best as you do so.

	-- Eileen Caddy
%
Speaking without thinking is like shooting without aim.
%
Spoken words describing the good you want, help you  to claim it and release it
into your own life quickly.

	-- Catherine Ponder
%
She who laughs -  lasts
%
See, winter comes to rule the varied year,
Sullen said......
Welcome, kindred gloom!
Congenial horrors, hail!....
Cruel as death, and hungry as the grave.

	-- James Thompson, The Seasons. Winter (1726)
%
Simplicity is the highest quality of expression. It is  that quality to which
art comes in its supreme moments. It makes the final stage of growth. It is the
rarest, as it is the most precious, which means secure in their self - training.

	-- Lao Tzu
%
See winter comes to rule the varied year,
Sullen and sad.....
	Welcome, kindred gloom
Congenial horrors, hail!...
Cruel as death, and hunger as the grave.

	-- James Thompas,  The Seasons. Winter (1726)
%
Suppose you never heard anything by accident? suppose there was a reason behind
everything everyone is saying to you? Suppose there was only on Mind, the
Universal Mind, and it is doing nothing all day but speaking to you. Would this
affect the way you heard criticism
	-- Terry Cole-Whittaker
%
Several excuses are always less convincing than one.
%
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
%
Some days the only good things on TV are the vase and clock.
%
Schizophrenia rules, OK, OK.
%
Safecracker: One without tuna on it.
%
Sceptics, may or may not rule, O.K.
%
Some folks are wise, and some are otherwise.
%
Silence is not always golden; sometimes it is yellow.
%
Some think football is a matter of life and death. I can assure you it is much
more serious than that.
%
Silence is better than unmeaning words.
%
Success has ruined many a good man.
%
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust
upon them. Some people are like blisters. They never appear until the work is
done.
%
Sometimes the message has to be blunt so you will see the point.
%
Stop the world, I want to get off.
%
Self-made men can be glaring examples of unskilled labour.
%
Small is beautiful.
%
Sign on Antique Shop: Come in and buy what your grandmother threw away.
%
Sudden prayers make God jump.
%
Some day my ship will come in, and with my luck I'll be at the airport.
%
Some goals are so worthy, it's glorious even to fail.
%
Streakers beware - your end is in sight.
%
Support your local taxidermist. Get stuffed.
%
Smart people speak from experience. Smarter people, from experience, don't
speak.
%
Scripture teaches us to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves.  All
too often, [we] are as wise as doves and as harmless as serpents.

	-- Moishe Rosen
%
Seeing consists of the grasping of structural features rather than the
indiscriminate recording of detail.

	-- Rudolf Arnheim
%
Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the Farmer's
Daughter.

	-- Julius H. Comroe.
%
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others
believe him.

	-- Charles de Gaulle
%
Sleep is conducive to beauty.  Even velvet looks worn when it loses its nap.

	-- Joan L. Zielin
%
Smart is when you believe only half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you
know which half to believe.

	-- Orben's Current Comedy
%
So far, I haven't heard of anybody who wants to stop living on account of the
cost.

	-- Kin Hubbard
%
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in
the long run.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot; others transform a yellow
spot into the sun.

	-- Pablo Picasso
%
Some people regard discipline as a chore.  For me, it is a kind of order that
sets me free to fly.

	-- Julie Andrews
%
Some people strengthen the society just by being the kind of people they are.

	-- John W. Gardner
%
Some people want to achieve immortality through their works or their
descendants.  I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

	-- Woody Allen.
%
Space isn't remote at all.  It's only an hour's drive away if your car
could go straight upwards.

	-- Fred Hoyle
%
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever
regret.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Suicide is cheating the doctors out of a job.

	-- Billings
%
Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Take from me the hope that I can change the future and you will send me mad.

	-- Israel Zangwill
%
Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking
and go in. 			- Andrew Jackson.
%
The future belongs to those who believe in the Beauty of their dreams.
%
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi
cabs and cutting hair.
%
The most difficult thing is to know how to do a thing and to watch
someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
%
The big thing today is computer dating.
If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you.
%
There is no education like adversity.
%
The only people who never fail are those who never try.
%
The only way to make something completely foolproof is to keep it away from
fools.
%
To do anything worthwhile you have to push limits.
%
These pills can't be habit-forming; I've been taking them for years.
%
The best-laid plans of mice and men are in the files SOMEWHERE.
%
The fundamental problem of representative government is that the people who
would be best for the job least want it, and vice versa.
%
Those who aspire to a place in the sun must expect blisters.
%
The only thing I ever learned from experience was that I'd just made another
mistake.
%
To be rich is not the end, but only a change of worries.
%
The best things in life are duty free.
%
To entertain some people all you have to do is listen to them.
%
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is you never know when you're finished.
%
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
%
Three matches one by one lit in the night
The first for the whole of your face
The second to see your eyes
The last to see your mouth
When the matches go out .......
%
Together since the beginning of time, the madman and the lover.
%
There was once a field containing many flowers, all of a small blue type.
These flowers were unusual, in that they could come into bloom in any season
of the year. At any given time there would be flowers in the field that were
very old - almost withered away - and some that would be in full flower, and
others that were still folded buds, and,  there were butterflies in the field
that were always in motion,  they would land first on one flower , then on
another.  It didn't matter what stage the flower was at; the butter fly didn't
care.  They didn't understand forward or  backwards, or even straight lines.
They just keep going from flower to flower.

The field is called time. And the butterflies, the butterflies are us.
%
The sky, a tree and man will survive, if man understands the tree.
%
The gods can either take away the evil from the world and will not, or, being
willing to do so and cannot; or they neither can nor will, or lastly, they
are able and willing.

If they have the will to remove evil and cannot, then they are not omnipotents.

If they can but will not, then they are not benevolent. If they are neither
able nor willing, they are neither omnipotents nor benevolent.

Lastly, if they are both able and willing to annihilate evil, why does it
exist?

	-- Epicurus (341 - 270 ), Aphorisms
%
To love and bear; to hope till Hope creates
From its own wreck the thing it contemplates

		- Percy Bysee Shelly, Prometheus Unbound (1818 - 1819)
%
The wear and tear of rust is faster than the wear and tear of work.
%
There is a wonderful, mystical law of nature that the three things we crave
the most in life - happiness, freedom, and peace of mind - are always attained
by giving them to someone else.
%
The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself
	-- Thales
%
There was no split second to mark the end or the beginning
No single fragment in time to split the darkness into tiny splinters of light
Slowly they divide into private rainbows
I feel my heart open again as the colours stream in
I stand awash with light
The sweet nectar of life rang joyfully over my upturned face
A single droplet runs gently into the corner of my mouth
It tastes of love
My hunger is no more
	-- This poem was written by an anorexia sufferer.
%
The only way you can live forever is to love somebody - then you real leave a
gift behind, when you live that was, as I've seen with people with physical
illness, you literally have the choice of when you die.

	-- Dr Bernard Siegel. MD
%
The more you talk about it, and the more you think about it, the further from
it you will go. Stop talking, stop thinking, and there's is nothing you will
not understand.

	-- Seng-Ts'an
%
The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleep in
the acorn. The bird waits in the egg. and in the highest vision of a soul, a
waking angle stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities.

	-- James Allen
%
The union of feminine and masculine energies within the individuals is the
basis of creation. Female intuition plus male action is creativity. Put the
female in the guiding position - this is her natural function. She is your
intuition, the door to your higher intelligence.  The true function of the
male energy is absolute clarity, directness and a passionate strength based
on what the universe, coming through your female, tells you.

	-- Shakti Gawain
%
The meeting of two personalities in like the contact of to chemical substances
: if there is any reaction both are transformed.

	-- Carl Jung
%
There is no point in work unless it absorbs you like an absorbing game. If it
doesn't absorb you, if it never any fun, Don't do it.

	-- D.H. Lawarence
%
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loomed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned.....

	-- William Butler Yeats,  The second coming (1912)
%
That's all the more reason for enjoying it, and loving it, instead of getting
freaked out about it.

	-- Thaddeus Golas
%
The Universal Law is important. It will give you anything you believe. It will
throw you garbage or roses depending on the energy you put in. You are the one
in charge, and you must accept that and stand alone. If you own progress,
because judgement holds you back to lesser physical levels.

	-- Stuart Wilde
%
To be happy one must risk unhappiness. To live fully one must risk death and
accept its ultimate decision.

	-- Judd Marmor
%
The great essentials to happiness in this life are
something to do
	and something to love
	           and something to hope for.

	-- Josephe Addison
%
The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears.

	-- John Vance Cheney
%
The things you believe in are the baggage you carry with you in life. The true
sage believes in nothing, other than the sacredness of all things. He lives in
spontaneity of energy. He defends nothing nor judges anything. His world is
eternal and infinite, he sees beauty in all things and he accepts the ways of
man, including restriction and strife. He knows that without constraints
there would be no challenges.

	-- Sturt Wilde
%
To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard
of life is not to risk  nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing,
has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply
cannot learn, feel, change, grow, live, and love.

	-- Leo Buscagila
%
The only thing that makes life possible is permanent intolerable uncertainty:
the joy of not knowing what comes next.

	-- Ursula Lequin
%
This is your life and nobody is going to teach you, no book, no guru. Learn
from yourself, not from books. Its an endless thing, a fascinating thing and
when you learn about yourself, out of that learning wisdom comes. The you can
live a most extraordinary , happy, beautiful life.

	-- Krishnamurti
%
Those who know
	do not say
Those who say
	do not know.

	-- Lao Tzu
%
Think God is coming down to fix things for you, forget it. Gods is out playing
golf.

	-- Stuart Wilde
%
The major way to conquer fear is to make a decision.

	-- Reshad Feild
%
To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will
receive untold peace and happiness.

	-- Robert Muller
%
The purpose of life is to matter
	to count
	to stand for something
	to have it make some
	difference that we lived at all.

	-- Leo Rosten
%
The more you are willing to trust yourself, and take risks to follow your
inner guidance, the more money you will have. The Universe will pay you to
be yourself and do what you really love.

	-- Shakti Gawain
%
The miracle comes quietly into the mind that stops an instant and is still.
	-- A course in miracles.
%
The worst thing that you can possibly do is worry about what you could have
done.

	-- Lightenburg
%
The rich substances of the Universe is yours to do with as you wish.
Why settle for so little in life when you can have so much, just by daring
to be different in your thinking.

	-- Catherine Ponder
%
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood- dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned.

	-- William Butler Yeats, The second coming (1921)
%
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
It is the source of all art and science.

	-- Albert Einstein, Contribution, Living Philosophies (1949)
%
The great question  which, in all ages, has disturbed mankind, and brought
on them the greatest part of their mischief. Has been, not whether to be
power in the world, nor whence it came, but whom should have it.

	-- John Locke, An Essay Concerning Human Understanding (1690)
%
The tree does not hold its shade, even from the woodcutter
%
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.
%
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
%
The other queue always moves faster.
%
To error is human. To really foul things up requires a computer.
%
The money saved for a rainy day now buys a smaller umbrella.
%
Those who think money will do everything may well be suspected of doing
everything for money.
%
To be a good gardener you need a sense of humus.
%
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
%
There is no good time.
%
The difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman
is that the used car salesman knows when he's telling lies.
%
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
%
The best way to win an argument is to start by being right.
%
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
%
There is just one thing I can promise you about the space program; your taxes
will go further.
%
The fundamental solvency of a company is inversely proportional to the
opulence of its head office.
%
The history of the world is a record of man in quest for his daily bread and
butter.
%
The rising tide lifts all the boats.
%
The highest reward for a person's effort is not what they get from it,
but what they become by it.
%
Thank God I'm an atheist.
%
To his dog, every man is Napoleon. Hence the popularity of Dogs.
%
To know where you can find a thing is the chief part of learning.
%
The government claims it's following the will of the people.
I didn't even know we'd died!
%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good cover up.
%
They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.
%
The way to get things done is by not worrying about who gets the credit for
doing it.
%
The closest I came to perfection was when I wrote my Resume.
%
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people they
think it's their fault.
%
There is a theory which states that if anyone ever gets to understand the
universe and how it works it will immediately be replaced by something
even more bizarre and mysterious. There is another theory which states that
this has already happened.
%
The right to be left alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
%
The long weekend was created because it's impossible to cram all the bad
weather into two days.
%
Thanks to the rising cost of living, I'm now starving on the income I once
dreamed
about.
%
There are no uninteresting things, only uninterested people.
%
The city is not a concrete jungle, its a human zoo.
%
The shortest distance between two points is under repair.
%
The Basic Law of Budgets: You can only spend it once.
%
There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the
morning.
%
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
%
The camel is a horse designed by a committee.
%
There is a sufficiency in the world for man's need, but not his greed.
%
The cops are ALWAYS around when you DON'T want them.
%
There is always one more bug.
%
They can conquer who believe they can.
%
The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are
children more awful than your own.
%
The kids who believe in Santa Claus are the ones who grow up and play the
horses.
%
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
%
The welfare of the people is the ultimate law.
%
Tomorrow is cancelled due to lack of interest.
%
The decision is maybe and that's final.
%
There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right
side.
%
The only thing most people do better than anyone else is read their own
handwriting.
%
The golden age never was the present age.
%
The only things to regret are the things you never did.
%
To get a loan from a bank you have to first prove that you don't need one.
%
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
%
The urgent always crowds out the important.
%
Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves.
%
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
%
The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.
%
The public servant's motto: It's slower to do it quickly, It's more expensive
to do it cheaply,  And it's more democratic to do it in secret.
%
The absent are never without fault, nor the present without excuse.
%
The future is now.
%
The price of justice is eternal publicity.
%
The writing on the wall usually means there's at least one small child in the
family.
%
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
%
The average woman talks 50 per cent more than her husband listens.
%
The longest day soon comes to an end.
%
There is a better way to do it. Find it.
%
The secret of being a bore is to tell everybody.
%
The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more.
%
Take as much as you want, put back more than you take.
%
That's logic.
%
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the oil. Sometimes it gets replaced.
%
The existence of a market does not guarantee the existence of a customer.
%
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.
%
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
%
They think I'm paranoid. They all talk about it behind my back.
%
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.
%
The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' - and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.
%
The easiest way to stay awake during an after-dinner speech is to deliver it.
%
The man who lives in the past, robs the present.
%
The believability of the printed word is directly proportional to the
thickness of the covers in which it is bound.
%
The hangman let me down.
%
The postman bringeth and the garbo taketh away.
%
Think!
%
There are two classes of people: Those who divide people into two classes,
and those who don't.
%
To be wise and love exceeds Man's might.

	-- Shakespeare
%
To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
%
The only time you realise you have a reputation is
when you fail to live up to it.
%
The amateur is the one with all the answers.
%
They say garbage can be made into fuel. Why not? It's already being made into
movies, books and TV shows.
%
To do nothing is the way to be nothing.
%
The day will happen whether or not you get up.
%
The grass is always greener on the other fellow's grave.
%
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
%
Tell the truth, and so puzzle and confound your adversaries.
%
Two people in every one are schizophrenic.
%
The upper crust are just a bunch of crumbs sticking together.
%
The shortest perceivable length of time is the period between the light
turning green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
%
There's one good thing about baldness. It's neat.
%
There will be no judges, only witness's to your glory.
%
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
%
The days of good English has went.
%
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
%
The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.
%
The most gratifying feature about death is that you won't have to get up in
the morning.
%
The only job where you start at the top is digging a hole.
%
Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
%
The trouble with learning from experience is that the test comes first and
the lesson afterwards.
%
The first lesson in self defence is to keep your glasses on.
%
There are three sorts of people: Those who make things happen, those who watch
things happen, and those who never knew what hit them.
%
The Liberal Party is the cream of society. Thick, rich and full of clots.
%
Truth is a rare and precious commodity. We must be sparing in its use.
%
The shortest distance between two points depends on who is giving the
directions.
%
To have a friend, be a friend.
%
Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Tell the truth and run.

	-- Yugoslav proverb
%
The alphabet will create forgetfulness in the learners' souls.
They will trust the written characters and not remember themselves.

	-- Socrates
%
The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not.  We have plenty of
messenger boys.

	-- Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post
Office, 1876
%
The art of acting consists of keeping people from coughing.

	-- Sir Ralph Richardson
%
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the
disease.

	-- Voltaire
%
The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not Homer, somebody else of
the same name.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average
man can see better than he can think
	-- Anonymous
%
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.  It's the
zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

	-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it.
		 - Benjamin Disraeli
%
The bible shows the way to go to heaven, not the way the heavens go.

	-- Galileo
%
The brain is a wonderful organ.  It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

	-- Robert Frost
%
The budget should be balanced, the treasury refilled, public debt reduced,
the arrogance of officialdom tempered and controlled, and the assistance to
foreign lands curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt.

	-- Cicero, Roman statesman (106 B.C.-43 B.C.)
%
The coward regards himself as cautious; the miser, as thrifty.

	-- Publilius Syrus
%
The crowd will follow a leader who marches twenty steps in advance; but if he
is a thousand steps in front of them, they do not see and do not follow him,
and any literary freebooter who chooses may shoot him with impunity.

	-- Georg Brandes, Danish literary critic (1842-1927)
%
The despot, be assured, lives night and day like one condemned to death by the
whole of mankind for his wickedness.

	-- Xenophon
%
The difference between a rich man and a poor man is this: the former eats when
he pleases, the latter when he can get it.

	-- Sir Walter Raleigh
%
The dogs bark, but the caravan passes.

	-- Near East proverb
%
The English certainly and fiercely pride themselves in never praising
themselves.

	-- Wyndham Lewis
%
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.

	-- Roger Levian
%
The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.

	-- Arnold H. Glascow
%
The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy
of women who love me.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The first condition of immortality is death.

	-- Stanislaw Lec
%
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

	-- Shakespeare: Henry VI, Part 2, act ii
%
The fixity of a habit is generally in direct proportion to it's absurdity.

	-- Proust
%
The flush toilet is the basis of western civilization.

	-- Alan Coult
%
The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only
more expensive.

	-- John Sladek
%
The genius, wit, and spirit of a nation are discovered by their proverbs.

	-- Francis Bacon
%
The gods are dead, but in their name Humanity is sold to shame, While (then
as now!) the tinsel'd Priest Sitteth with robbers at the feast, Blesses the
laden blood-stain'd board, Weaves garlands round the buther's sword, And
poureth freely (now as then) The sacramental blood of Men!

	-- Robert Buchanan, Scottish poet, novelist, and playwright
		(1841-1901)
%
The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on his
stupidity--and that's just not fair!

	-- Konrad Adenauer, Chancellor of Germany
%
The great artist is the simplifier.

	-- Henri Fr‚d‚ric Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
%
The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.

	-- William James
%
The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured by his willingness to be
kind.

	-- G. Young
%
The highest happiness of man is to have probed what is knowable and quietly to
revere what is unknowable.

	-- Anonymous
%
The Kingdom of Heaven is not a place, but a state of mind.

	-- John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
%
The ladder of life is full of splinters, but they always prick hardest when
you're sliding down.

	-- William Brownell
%
The law is not an end in itself, nor does it provide ends.  It is preeminently
a means to serve what we think is right.

	-- William J. Brennan, Jr., U.S. Supreme Court justice (1906-)
%
The man who, in a fit of melancholy, kills himself today, would have wished to
live had he waited a week.

	-- Voltaire
%
The man who has nothing to boast of but his ancestry is like a potato.  The
only good belonging to him is underground.

	-- Sir Thomas Overbury
%
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.

	-- J. Paul Getty
%
The middle class is always a firm champion of equality when it concerns a
class above it; but it is its inveterate foe when it concerns elevating a
class below it.

	-- Orestes A. Brownson
%
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.

	-- Tennessee Williams
%
The more the pleasures of the body fade away, the greater to me is the
pleasure and charm of conversation.

	-- Plato
%
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their
mother.

	-- Reverend Hesburgh
%
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

	-- Albert Einstein.
%
The most merciful thing in the world is the inability of the human mind to
correlate all its contents.

	-- H. P. Lovecraft
%
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings
wisdom.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a
profound truth may well be another profound truth.

	-- Niels Bohr
%
The polar ice cap is melting and all you can do is look at reruns of Barney
Miller?

	-- 'What A Guy', by Bill Hoest
%
The pyramids will not last a moment compared with the daisy.

	-- D. H. Laurence
%
The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there is only
one other choice.

	-- Doug Larson
%
The religion of one seems madness unto another.

	-- Thomas Browne, English physician, writer (1605-1682)
%
The scientist is a lover of truth for the very love of truth itself, wherever
it may lead.

	-- Luther Burbank, American horticulturist (1849-1926)
%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

	-- Noelie Altito
%
The Show-off is always shown up in a showdown.

	-- Fortune Cookie.
%
The smallest fact is a window through which the infinite may be seen.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

	-- Paul Val‚ry
%
The trouble with the profit system has always been that it was highly
unprofitable to most people.

	-- E. B. White
%
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
The true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything by his art.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The two most important tools an architect has are the eraser in the drawing
room and the sledge hammer on the construction site.

	-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
The universe is looking less and less like a great machine and more and more
like a great thought.

	-- Ortega y Gasset
%
The unnatural, that too is natural.

	-- G”the
%
The wisdom of man never yet contrived a system of taxation that operates with
perfect equality.

	-- Andrew Jackson
%
The world has achieved brilliance without conscience.  Ours is a world of
nuclear giants and ethical infants.

	-- Omar N. Bradley, American general (1893-1981)
%
The world holds two classes of men--intelligent men without religion, and
religious men without intelligence.

	-- Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri, Syrian Poet (973-1057)
%
The world stands aside to let anyone pass who know where he is going.

	-- David Starr Jordan
%
The worst of madmen is a saint run mad.

	-- Alexander Pope
%
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
There are no friends at cards or world politics.

	-- F. P. Dunne
%
There are no second acts in American lives.

	-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, American Author (1896-1940)
%
There are thousands hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at
the root.
		 - Thoreau
%
There are trivial truths and the great truths.  The opposite of a trivial
truth is plainly false.  The opposite of a great truth is also true.

	-- Niels Bohr, Danish physicist (1885-1962)
%
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to
doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

	-- Alfred Korzybski
%
There is a capacity of virtue in us, and there is a capacity of vice to make
your blood creep.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
There is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem.

	-- Booker T. Washington
%
There is no country and no people who can look forward to the age of leisure
and abundance without dread.

	-- John Maynard Keynes, English economist (1883-1946)
%
There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't
know.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
There is nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a
vein.

	-- Red Smith
%
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.

	-- Salvador Dali
%
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale returns
of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

	-- Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
%
There was never a good war or a bad peace.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
There's a fine line between genius and insanity.  I have erased this line
	-- Oscar Levant
%
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job
to be done around the house.

	-- Joe Ryan
%
They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them
yourself.

	-- Andy Warhol, American pop artist (1928-1987)
%
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

	-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
Thirty-five is a very attractive age.  London's society is full of women who
have of their free choice remained thirty-five for years.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
This world is comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.

	-- Horace Walpole
%
Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who
dream only by night.

	-- Edgar Allan Poe
%
Those who voluntarily put power into the hands of a tyrant or an enemy, must
not wonder if it be at last turned against themselves.

	-- Aesop, Greek fabulist (620-560 B.C.)
%
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

	-- Wilson Mizner
%
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we mpend it once.
%
There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the
morning.
%
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
%
The camel is a horse designed by a committee.
%
There is a sufficiency in the world for man's need, but not his greed.
%
The cops are ALWAYS around when you DON'T want them.
%
There is always one more bug.
%
They can conquer who believe they can.
%
The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are
children more awful than your own.
%
The kids who believe in Santa Claus are the ones who grow up and play the
horses.
%
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
%
The welfare of the people is the ultimate law.
%
Tomorrow is cancelled due to lack of interest.
%
The decision is maybe and that's final.
%
There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
%
The only thing most people do better than anyone else is read their own
handwriting.
%
The golden age never was the present age.
%
The only things to regret are the things you never did.
%
To get a loan from a bank you have to first prove that you don't need one.
%
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
%
The urgent always crowds out the important.
%
Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves.
%
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
%
The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.
%
The public servant's motto: It's slower to do it quickly, It's more expensive
to do it cheaply,  And it's more democratic to do it in secret.
%
The absent are never without fault, nor the present without excuse.
%
The future is now.
%
The price of justice is eternal publicity.
%
The writing on the wall usually means there's at least one small child in the
family.
%
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him
a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
%
The average woman talks 50 per cent more than her husband listens.
%
The longest day soon comes to an end.
%
There is a better way to do it. Find it.
%
The secret of being a bore is to tell everybody.
%
The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more.
%
Take as much as you want, put back more than you take.
%
That's logic.
%
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the oil. Sometimes it gets replaced.
%
The existence of a market does not guarantee the existence of a customer.
%
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.
%
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
%
They think I'm paranoid. They all talk about it behind my back.
%
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.
%
The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' - and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
%
The easiest way to stay awake during an after-dinner speech is to deliver it.
%
The man who lives in the past, robs the present.
%
The believability of the printed word is directly proportional to the
thickness of the covers in which it is bound.
%
The hangman let me down.
%
The postman bringeth and the garbo taketh away.
%
Think!
%
There are two classes of people: Those who divide people into two classes,
and those who don't.
%
To be wise and love exceeds Man's might.

	-- Shakespeare
%
To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
%
The only time you realise you have a reputation is when you
fail to live up to it.
%
The amateur is the one with all the answers.
%
They say garbage can be made into fuel. Why not? It's already being made into
movies, books and TV shows.
%
To do nothing is the way to be nothing.
%
The day will happen whether or not you get up.
%
The grass is always greener on the other fellow's grave.
%
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
%
Tell the truth, and so puzzle and confound your adversaries.
%
Two people in every one are schizophrenic.
%
The upper crust are just a bunch of crumbs sticking together.
%
The shortest perceivable length of time is the period between the light
turning green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
%
There's one good thing about baldness. It's neat.
%
There will be no judges, only witness's to your glory.
%
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
%
The days of good English has went.
%
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
%
The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.
%
The most gratifying feature about death is that you won't
have to get up in the morning.
%
The only job where you start at the top is digging a hole.
%
Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
%
The trouble with learning from experience is that the test comes first
and the lesson afterwards.
%
The first lesson in self defence is to keep your glasses on.
%
There are three sorts of people: Those who make things happen, those who watch
things happen, and those who never knew what hit them.
%
The Liberal Party is the cream of society. Thick, rich and full of clots.
%
Truth is a rare and precious commodity. We must be sparing in its use.
%
The shortest distance between two points depends on who is giving the
directions.
%
To have a friend, be a friend.
%
Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Tell the truth and run.

	-- Yugoslav proverb
%
The alphabet will create forgetfulness in the learners' souls.
They will trust the written characters and not remember themselves.

	-- Socrates
%
The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not.  We have plenty of
messenger boys.

	-- Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post
Office, 1876
%
The art of acting consists of keeping people from coughing.

	-- Sir Ralph Richardson
%
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the
disease.

	-- Voltaire
%
The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not Homer, somebody else of
the same name.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average
man can see better than he can think.
	-- Anonymous
%
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.  It's the
zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

	-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it.
		 - Benjamin Disraeli
%
The bible shows the way to go to heaven, not the way the heavens go.

	-- Galileo
%
The brain is a wonderful organ.  It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

	-- Robert Frost
%
The budget should be balanced, the treasury refilled, public debt reduced,
the arrogance of officialdom tempered and controlled, and the assistance to
foreign lands curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt.

	-- Cicero, Roman statesman (106 B.C.-43 B.C.)
%
The coward regards himself as cautious; the miser, as thrifty.

	-- Publilius Syrus
%
The crowd will follow a leader who marches twenty steps in advance; but if he
is a thousand steps in front of them, they do not see and do not follow him,
and any literary freebooter who chooses may shoot him with impunity.

	-- Georg Brandes, Danish literary critic (1842-1927)
%
The despot, be assured, lives night and day like one condemned to death by the
whole of mankind for his wickedness.

	-- Xenophon
%
The difference between a rich man and a poor man is this: the former eats when
he pleases, the latter when he can get it.

	-- Sir Walter Raleigh
%
The dogs bark, but the caravan passes.

	-- Near East proverb
%
The English certainly and fiercely pride themselves in never praising
themselves.

	-- Wyndham Lewis
%
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.

	-- Roger Levian
%
The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.

	-- Arnold H. Glascow
%
The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy
of women who love me.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The first condition of immortality is death.

	-- Stanislaw Lec
%
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

	-- Shakespeare: Henry VI, Part 2, act ii
%
The fixity of a habit is generally in direct proportion to it's absurdity.

	-- Proust
%
The flush toilet is the basis of western civilization.

	-- Alan Coult
%
The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only
more expensive.

	-- John Sladek
%
The genius, wit, and spirit of a nation are discovered by their proverbs.

	-- Francis Bacon
%
The gods are dead, but in their name Humanity is sold to shame, While (then
as now!) the tinsel'd Priest Sitteth with robbers at the feast, Blesses the
laden blood-stain'd board, Weaves garlands round the buther's sword, And
poureth freely (now as then) The sacramental blood of Men!

	-- Robert Buchanan, Scottish poet, novelist, and playwright
		(1841-1901)
%
The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on his
stupidity--and that's just not fair!

	-- Konrad Adenauer, Chancellor of Germany
%
The great artist is the simplifier.

	-- Henri Frederic Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
%
The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.

	-- William James
%
The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured by his willingness to be
kind.

	-- G. Young
%
The highest happiness of man is to have probed what is knowable and quietly to
revere what is unknowable.

	-- Anonymous
%
The Kingdom of Heaven is not a place, but a state of mind.

	-- John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
%
The ladder of life is full of splinters, but they always prick hardest when
you're sliding down.

	-- William Brownell
%
The law is not an end in itself, nor does it provide ends.  It is preeminently
a means to serve what we think is right.

	-- William J. Brennan, Jr., U.S. Supreme Court justice (1906-)
%
The man who, in a fit of melancholy, kills himself today, would have wished to
live had he waited a week.

	-- Voltaire
%
The man who has nothing to boast of but his ancestry is like a potato.  The
only good belonging to him is underground.

	-- Sir Thomas Overbury
%
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.

	-- J. Paul Getty
%
The middle class is always a firm champion of equality when it concerns a class
above it; but it is its inveterate foe when it concerns elevating a class below
it.

	-- Orestes A. Brownson
%
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.

	-- Tennessee Williams
%
The more the pleasures of the body fade away, the greater to me is the pleasure
and charm of conversation.

	-- Plato
%
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their
mother.

	-- Reverend Hesburgh
%
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

	-- Albert Einstein.
%
The most merciful thing in the world is the inability of the human mind to
correlate all its contents.

	-- H. P. Lovecraft
%
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings
wisdom.

	-- H. L. Mencken
%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a
profound truth may well be another profound truth.

	-- Niels Bohr
%
The polar ice cap is melting and all you can do is look at reruns of Barney
Miller?

	-- 'What A Guy', by Bill Hoest
%
The pyramids will not last a moment compared with the daisy.

	-- D. H. Laurence
%
The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there is only
one other choice.

	-- Doug Larson
%
The religion of one seems madness unto another.

	-- Thomas Browne, English physician, writer (1605-1682)
%
The scientist is a lover of truth for the very love of truth itself, wherever
it may lead.

	-- Luther Burbank, American horticulturist (1849-1926)
%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

	-- Noelie Altito
%
The Show-off is always shown up in a showdown.

	-- Fortune Cookie.
%
The smallest fact is a window through which the infinite may be seen.

	-- Aldous Huxley
%
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

	-- Paul Val‚ry
%
The trouble with the profit system has always been that it was highly
unprofitable to most people.

	-- E. B. White
%
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

	-- Lily Tomlin
%
The true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything by his art.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The two most important tools an architect has are the eraser in the drawing
room and the sledge hammer on the construction site.

	-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
The universe is looking less and less like a great machine and more and more
like a great thought.

	-- Ortega y Gasset
%
The unnatural, that too is natural.

	-- G”the
%
The wisdom of man never yet contrived a system of taxation that operates with
perfect equality.

	-- Andrew Jackson
%
The world has achieved brilliance without conscience.  Ours is a world of
nuclear giants and ethical infants.

	-- Omar N. Bradley, American general (1893-1981)
%
The world holds two classes of men--intelligent men without religion, and
religious men without intelligence.

	-- Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri, Syrian Poet (973-1057)
%
The world stands aside to let anyone pass who know where he is going.

	-- David Starr Jordan
%
The worst of madmen is a saint run mad.

	-- Alexander Pope
%
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
There are no friends at cards or world politics.

	-- F. P. Dunne
%
There are no second acts in American lives.

	-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, American Author (1896-1940)
%
There are thousands hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at
the root.
		 - Thoreau
%
There are trivial truths and the great truths.  The opposite of a trivial truth
is plainly false.  The opposite of a great truth is also true.

	-- Niels Bohr, Danish physicist (1885-1962)
%
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to
doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

	-- Alfred Korzybski
%
There is a capacity of virtue in us, and there is a capacity of vice to make
your blood creep.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
There is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem.

	-- Booker T. Washington
%
There is no country and no people who can look forward to the age of leisure
and abundance without dread.

	-- John Maynard Keynes, English economist (1883-1946)
%
There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't
know.

	-- Ambrose Bierce
%
There is nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a
vein.

	-- Red Smith
%
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.

	-- Salvador Dali
%
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale returns
of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

	-- Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
%
There was never a good war or a bad peace.

	-- Benjamin Franklin
%
There's a fine line between genius and insanity.  I have erased this line
	-- Oscar Levant
%
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job
to be done around the house.

	-- Joe Ryan
%
They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them
yourself.

	-- Andy Warhol, American pop artist (1928-1987)
%
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

	-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
Thirty-five is a very attractive age.  London's society is full of women who
have of their free choice remained thirty-five for years.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
This world is comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.

	-- Horace Walpole
%
Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who
dream only by night.

	-- Edgar Allan Poe
%
Those who voluntarily put power into the hands of a tyrant or an enemy, must
not wonder if it be at last turned against themselves.

	-- Aesop, Greek fabulist (620-560 B.C.)
%
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

	-- Wilson Mizner
%
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we m st carry it within
us or we will find it not.

	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Three things are necessary for the salvation of man: to know what he ought to
believe; to know what he ought to desire; and to know what he ought to do.

	-- Thomas Aquinas, Italian theologian (1255-1274)
%
Throw a lucky man in the sea, and he will come up with a fish in his mouth.

	-- Arab proverb
%
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

	-- Hector Berlioz
%
Time is what we want most, but alas, what we use worst.

	-- William Penn
%
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

	-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
To be seen is the ambition of ghosts, and to be remembered is the ambition of
the dead.

	-- Norman O. Brown
%
To define a thing is to substitute the definition for the thing itself.

	-- Georges Braque, French artist (1882-1963)
%
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

	-- Anonymous
%
To generalize is to be an idiot.

	-- William Blake, English poet, artist (1757-1827)
%
To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards out of men.

	-- Abraham Lincoln
%
To tyrants, indeed, and bad rulers, the progress of knowledge among the mass of
mankind is a just object of terror; it is fatal to them and their designs.

	-- Henry Peter Brougham, Scottish statesman and historian
(1778-1868)
%
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

	-- Mae West.
%
Trapped, like a trap in a trap.

	-- Dorothy Parker
%
Truth above all, even when it upsets and overwhelms us.

	-- Henri Fr‚d‚ric Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
%
Truth as a way of shifting under pressure.

	-- Curtis Bok, U. S. federal judge (1897-1962)
%
Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to become a man of value.

	-- Albert Einstein.
%
Two and two continue to make four, in spite of the whine of the amateur for
three, or the cry of the critic for five.

	-- Jame McNeil Whistler
%
Universities are designed for the convenience of the faculty, not for the
convenience of the students.

	-- Adam Smith
%
Unless a man feels he has a good memory, he should never venture to lie.

	-- Montaigne
%
Up is, by definition, the direction which broadens horizons.

	-- A. Cygni
%
Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.
%
Utopia: 1987 wages, 1932 prices, 1910 taxes.
%
Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out.  That is what it is for.
Spend all you have before you die; and do not outlive yourself.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

	-- Tom Robbins
%
Until thought is linked with purpose, there is an intelligent accomplishment.
With the majority, the bark of thought is allowed to drift upon the ocean of
life. A man should conceive of a legitimate purpose in his heart, and set out
to accomplish it.

	-- James Allen
%
Unless you get your watercans out when it rains, you will catch no water.
%
Virtue is like a rich stone, best plain set.

	-- Francis Bacon
%
Violence is the language of the illiterate.
%
When I'm good I'm very good, and when I'm bad I'm better.
%
Why does a dentist ask you if it hurts only when you can't answer?
%
When you see the world as part of yourself, you will take care of it.
When you see yourself as part of the world, you will be taken care of.
%
We  may insist as often as we like that man's  intellect in powerless is
comparisons with instinctual life and we may be right in this
	-- Sigmund Freud, The future of an Illusion (1927)
%
What is  desired  in a man is kindness, and a poor man is better than a liar
%
We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will
think us so.

	-- Pope
%
Why is the King of Hearts the only one without a moustache?
%
What this country needs is someone who knows what this country needs.
%
Women who seek equality with men lack ambition.
%
When you are pushed
pull.
When you and pulled
push.
Find the natural course and bend with it, then join with natures power.

	-- Dan Millman
%
What is right for one soul may not be right for another.  It may mean having to
stand on your own and do something strange in the eyes of others. But do not be
daunted. Do whatever it is because you know within it is right for you.

	-- Eileen Caddy
%
We are each of us angles only one with no wings. And we can fly only by
embracing each other.

	-- Luciano de Crescenzo
%
We are all on a spiral path. No growth takes place in a straight line. There
will be set-backs along the way There will be shadows, but they will be
balanced by patches of light and fountains of joy as we grow and progress.
Awareness of the pattern is all you need to sustain you along the way....

	-- Kirstin Zumbucker
%
When you die and go to heaven our Maker is not going to ask,  Why didn't you
find the cure for  such and such?  Why didn't you become the Messiah?  The only
question we will be asked in that precious moment is  Why didn't you  become
you?

	-- Elise Wiesel
%
What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do.

	-- Sanyana Roman
%
What would it be like if you lived each day, each breath, as a work of art in
progress? Imagine that you are a master piece unfolding, every second of every
day a work of art taking form with every breath.

	-- Thomas Crum
%
Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't - you are  right.

	-- Henery Ford
%
Whatever you are doing
Love yourself for doing it
	-- Thaddeus Golas
%
When the last match goes out shall we
Ever remember the proper flint and stone
To create bright and warming  flame once more?
When the last match goes out, shall we see
If we are a multitude or alone?....

	-- Dana E. Scott Right song (1986)
%
When the fight within himself begins, a man is worth something.
%
When you were born,
Everyone smiled,
But you cried.
Try to live your life so that
When you die,
Everyone around your grave cries
But you smile
%
We are the dreamers of dreams,
Yet we fail to make them reality.
We are the sculptures of the future,
But we don't want to soil our hands.
We are the moulders of society,
Yet we dodge responsibility daily.
We know what has to be said ,
Yet we shy away from the stand.
We are the artist,
Yet we question our creative ability.
We are the music makers,
But we are reluctant to be heard.
We are  the courageous soldiers
Yet we are running from the battle.
It is hard to believe someone so insignificant,
Can change the course of the world.
%

We have rules, my opposite and I. We're very carefully balanced and we have to
stay that way. We agreed only to act through our instruments, and if I
intervene in person - with such things as telling you directly what you must do
- then my opposite will also be free to step over the line. That's why we both
work through what we are called prophecies.

	-- Guardians of the West. David Eddings
%
Without the force of words it is impossible to know man.
%
When did a lawyer ever file a brief that was?
%
Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind.
%
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. Edison
%
When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them.
%
What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.
%
When the rich wage war, its the poor who die.
%
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
%
What's the difference between parliament and a kindergarten? A kindergarten has
adult supervision.
%
We live behind our faces, while they front for us.
%
We're overpaying him, but he's worth ever cent.
%
Women over thirty are at their best, but men over thirty are too old to
recognise it.
%
Well done is better than well said.
%
When I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
%
Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible?
%
We call our baby 'Coffee' because he keeps us awake all night.
%
We all are born mad. Some remain so.....
%
What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare?.
%
Whether you believe you can, or believe you can't, you are right.
%
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility - there are so few of us
left.
%
Why is it that political leaders don't seem to have all the answers until they
write their memoirs?
%
Within every problem hides the solution.
%
We are cold to others only when we are dull in ourselves.
%
When all else fails, read the documentation.
%
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a chicken? I don't know, but you have
to saw the eggs open.
%
We must believe in luck, for how else can we explain the success of those we
don't like?
%
What's apathy?  I don't know, and I don't care.
%
When you go to buy, never show your silver.
%
Women's libbers should be put behind bras.
%
We can't do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
%
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
%
Where there's a swill there's a sway.
%
What is moral is what you feel good about after.
%
When I did well, I heard it never. When I did ill, I heard it ever.
%
Work expands to fit the time available for its completion.
%
Wisdom is not knowing what to do now, but what to do next.
%
Work hard for eight hours a day, and eventually you may become a boss and be
able to work twelve.
%
Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.
%
Willpower is the ability to eat ONE salted peanut.
%
War is just when it is necessary; arms are permissible when there is no hope
except in arms.

	-- Machiavelli
%
Washington is a city of southern efficiency and northern charm.

	-- John F. Kennedy
%
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly
disguised as insoluble problems.

	-- John W. Gardner
%
We are what we pretend to be.

	-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
We didn't inherit the land from our fathers.  We are borrowing it from our
children.

	-- Amish belief
%
We don't look for truths, just excuses.

	-- A. Cygni
%
We forgive once we give up attachment to our wounds.

	-- Lewis Hyde
%
We have all passed a lot of water since then.

	-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the Sermon on the Mount.

	-- Omar N. Bradley, American general (1893-1981)
%
We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it that to consume
wealth without producing it.

	-- George Bernard Shaw.
%
We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course,
language.

	-- Oscar Wilde
%
We hold these truths to be self-evident: all men could be cremated equal.

	-- Vern Parlow
%
We must interpret a bad temper as a sign of inferiority.

	-- Alfred Adler, Father of individual psychology (1870-1937)
%
We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good
grooming.

	-- Don Delillo
%
We should distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

	-- Henry David Thoreau
%
We think in generalities, but we live in detail.

	-- Alfred North Whitehead, British philosopher (1861-1947)
%
Weep not that the world changes--did it keep a stable, changeless state, it
were cause indeed to weep.

	-- William Cullen Bryant, American poet and editor (1794-1878)
%
What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size
of the fight in the dog.

	-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
What governs men is fear of truth.

	-- Henri Fr‚d‚ric Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
%
What time hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit.

	-- William Shakespeare
%
What you get is a living; what you give is a life.

	-- Lilian Gish, American actress
%
What's a thousand dollars?  mere chicken feed.  A `poultry' matter.

	-- Groucho Marx
%
When a dog bites a man, that's not news because it happens so often.  But if a
man bites a dog, that is news.

	-- John Bogart, American journalist (1845-1921)
%
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: `whose?'
	-- Don Marquis
%
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.

	-- George Bernard Shaw
%
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign; that
the dunces are all in confederacy against him.

	-- Jonathan Swift
%
When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.

	-- Thomas Jefferson
%
When I was a kid, my parents told me what to do.  When I went to school, my
teachers told me what to do.  Now I'm married, and my husband tells me what to
do.  I'm not going to use a computer and let it tell me what to do.

	-- Anonymous
%
When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm better.

	-- Mae West
%
When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results.

	-- Calvin Coolidge
%
When one has good health it is not serious to be ill.

	-- Francis Blanche
%
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

	-- Hunter S. Thompson, American journalist.
%
When the man who knows all about the fruit fly chromosomes finds himself
sitting next to an authority on Beowulf, there may be an uneasy silence.

	-- Brand Blanshard
%
When things go wrong, don't go with them.

	-- Anonymous
%
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut
	-- Anonymous
%
When you return to your boyhood town, you find it wasn't the town you longed
for.  It was your boyhood.

	-- Earl Wilson
%
When you're through changing, you're through.

	-- Bruce Barton
%
Whenever I hear the word culture, I reach for my revolver.

	-- Hermann Goring
%
While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils faster.

	-- Abigail van Buren
%
White hair is not a sign of wisdom, only age
	-- Greek proverb
%
Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine villages.

	-- Turkish proverb
%
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.

	-- Paraphrasing the Book of Proverbs
%
Why doesn't the fellow who says, 'I'm no speech maker', let it go at that
instead of giving a demonstration?

	-- Kin Hubbard
%
Why is it that we rejoice at a wedding and cry at a funeral? It is because we
are not the person involved.

	-- Mark Twain
%
Why is this thus?  What is the reason for this thusness?

	-- Artemus Ward
%
Why not go out on a limb?  Isn't that where the fruit is?

	-- Frank Scully
%
Wickedness is always easier than virtue; for it takes the short cut to
everything.

	-- Samuel Johnson
%
Wir sind gew”hnt daá Leute verh”hnen was sie nicht versthehen." (We are aware
that people will scoff what they do not understand)

	-- Anonymous
%
With the monstrous weapons man already has, humanity is in danger of being
trapped in this world by it's moral adolescents.

	-- Omar N. Bradley, American general (1893-1981)
%
Woman is like a teabag; you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in
hot water.

	-- First Lady Nancy Reagan
%
Wonder rather than doubt is the root of knowledge.

	-- Abraham Joshua Heschel
%
Words can sometimes, in moments of grace, attain the quality of deeds.

	-- Elie Wiesel
%
Words wound.  But as a veteran of twelve years in the United States Senate, I
happily attest that they do not kill.

	-- Lyndon Johnson.
%
Work to become, not to acquire.

	-- Confucius
%
Working as a journalist is exactly like being a wallflower at an orgy.

	-- Nora Ephron
%
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.

	-- Robert Frost
%
You can observe a lot just by watching.

	-- Yogi Berra
%
You can tell the size of a man by the size of the thing that makes him mad.

	-- Adali Stevenson
%
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

	-- Steven Wright
%
You can't say civilizations don't advance . . . in every war they kill you in a
new way.

	-- Will Rogers
%
You simply cannot understand psychedelic drugs, which activate the brain,
unless you understand something about computers.

	-- Timothy Leary
%
You have no idea of the tremendous release and deep peace that comes from
meeting yourself and your brothers totally without judgement.

	-- A course in miracles.
%
"Problems worthy of attack
prove their worth by hitting back"

	-- Unknown
%
You are in physical existence to learn and understand that your energy,
translated into feelings, thoughts and emotions, causes all experience. There
are no exceptions.

	-- Seth
%
You become what you pretend you are
%
You have got to know what it is that you want! Or someone is going to sell you
a bill of goods some where along the line that will do irreparable damage to
your self-esteem, your sense of worth, and your reward of talents that God gave
you.

	-- Richard Nelson Bolles
%
You are in the physical existence to learn and understand that your energy,
translated into feelings, thoughts and emotions, causes all experience. There
are no exceptions.

	-- Seth
%
Your goal is to find out Who You Are.

	-- A course in miracles
%
You are a child of the Universe no less than the trees and the stars, you have
the right to be here, and weather or not it is clear to you no doubt the
Universe is unfolding as it should.

	-- Max Ehrmann
%
You have no idea of the tremendous release and deep peace that comes from
meeting yourself and your brothers totally without judgement.

	-- A course in miracles
%
Your health is bound to be affected if day after day you say the opposite of
what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike and rejoice at what brings
you nothing but misfortune.

	-- Dr Zhivaga
%
Yorick is a numb skull.
%
You know, she speaks ten languages, and she can't say 'NO' in any of them.
%
Youth is a wonderful thing. It's such a shame its wasted on the young.
%
You can't buy happiness - but at least if you have money you can be miserable in
comfort.
%
You know you're in a recession when your neighbour's out of work. You know
you're in a depression when you're out of work. You know you're out of the
depression when Bob Hawke's out of work.
%
Yesterday an egg, tomorrow a feather duster!
%
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you
have something.
%
You are only what you are when no one is looking.
%
You can't tell a book by its movie.
%
You can't think rationally on an empty stomach, and a lot of people can't do it
on a full one either.
%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
%
You cannot fight against the future. Time is on our side.
%
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
%
You can fool some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the
time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.
%
You know you've reached middle age when your exercise program consists merely
of standing up.
%
You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I
deserve it.

	-- W.S. Gilbert
%
Young men are apt to think themselves wise enough, as drunken men are to think
themselves sober enough.

	-- Earl of Chesterfield
%
Young men are fitter to invent than to judge, fitter for execution than for
counsel, fitter for new projects than settled business.

	-- Francis Bacon
%
Christianity:   All things whatsoever ye would that men do to you, do ye even
              so to them.
Judaism:        What is hateful to you do not to your fellowmen.
Brahmanism:     Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you
Buddhism:       Hurt not others in ways that you would find hurtful.
Confucianism:   Surely it is the maxim of loving-kindness: Do not unto others
              that you would not have them do unto you.
Taoism:         Regard your neighbour's gain as your own gain, and your
              neighbour's loss as your own loss.
Zoroastrianism: That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto
              another whatsoever is not good for itself.
Islam:          No one of you is a believer until he desires for his
              brother that which he desires for himself.
%
The Golden Rule Glendower: "I can call the spirits from the vasty deep.
Hotspur: "Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do
call for them?"

	-- William Shakespeare: Henry IV, Part I, act iii, scene i
%
"I want to be alone with my thought."

	-- Homer in There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Live today like there was no tomorrow to be had.
[8331]
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
	Redwood Forest.

7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
%
A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge
the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased -- he hates
all creative people equally.
%
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
%
	A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him.  "Are you the
foreman around here?" he asked timidly.  "I'd like to join your circus; I
have what I think is a pretty good act."
	The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
his arms furiously.  Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
	"Well," puffed the little man.  "What do you think?"
	"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully.  "Bird
imitations?"
%
A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned
things is ample.
		-- Rebecca West
%
A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
		-- Whitney Balliett
%
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
%
A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
what he meant.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
%
	A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact.  Someone pointed out that it's
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
%
A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
	"Hello?" his friend answers.
	"Hi!" says the man.  "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
	"Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great!  I just sold a screenplay
for two hundred thousand dollars.  I've started a novel adaptation and the
studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it.  I also have a television
series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
I'm doing *great*!  How are you?"
	"Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
%
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
%
	A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
new theatrical season.  "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
%
	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
	"If what?" asked the composer.
	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
%
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
%
A rose is a rose is a rose.  Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
Downstairs."  Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
with Rose she's forever identified.  So much so that she even likes to
joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
drawbacks.  "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
good in beds; better up against a wall.'  I want to tell you that's not
true.  I'm very good in beds as well."
%
A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
		-- Don Marquis
%
	A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
Madonna, a young puppy.  It hitched its waggin' to a star.
%
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
		-- Michael Winner, British film director
%
A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
		-- Shaw
%
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
what he writes fiction.
		-- William Faulkner
%
A yawn is a silent shout.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
A young man wrote to Mozart and said:

Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
   suggestions as to how to get started?"
A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
   some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
A: "But I never asked anybody how."
%
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
%
Acting is not very hard.  The most important things are to be able to laugh
and cry.  If I have to cry, I think of my sex life.  And if I have to laugh,
well, I think of my sex life.
		-- Glenda Jackson
%
Actor			Real Name

Boris Karloff		William Henry Pratt
Cary Grant		Archibald Leach
Edward G. Robinson	Emmanual Goldenburg
Gene Wilder		Gerald Silberman
John Wayne		Marion Morrison
Kirk Douglas		Issur Danielovitch
Richard Burton		Richard Jenkins Jr.
Roy Rogers		Leonard Slye
Woody Allen		Allen Stewart Konigsberg
%
Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
%
Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
		-- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
		New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
%
Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
		-- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
%
Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something
strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. It was
replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life more
advanced than the lichen family.
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
%
Alex Haley was adopted!
%
All art is but imitation of nature.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
		-- Marlon Brando
%
An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
%
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and
world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers
whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
%
Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation
of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of
anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright
in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
		-- Richard Schickel
%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
%
	"Are you police officers?"
	"No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
		-- The Blues Brothers
%
Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux."  Aside from
one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
(He died in 1921.)
	Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
fantasy...
	What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw?  (This
instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!)  Then the
piece would be better known as:
	SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
%
Art is a jealous mistress.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
		-- Picasso
%
Art is anything you can get away with.
		-- Marshall McLuhan.
%
Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
		-- Paul Gauguin
%
Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
		-- Chazal
%
Art is the tree of life.  Science is the tree of death.
%
As a goatherd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote.
%
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
		-- Christopher Hampton
%
Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
depths they were once able to plumb.
		-- Stanley Kaufman
%
Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
		-- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
%
Bahdges?  We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
		-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
%
Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
and original in your work.
		-- Flaubert
%
Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
%
"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
%
Ben, why didn't you tell me?
		-- Luke Skywalker
%
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
		-- Time Bandits
%
Best Mistakes In Films
	In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
possible.
	In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
	In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
with television aerials.
	In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
in the background.
	In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
BS:	You remind me of a man.
B:	What man?
BS:	The man with the power.
B:	What power?
BS:	The power of voodoo.
B:	Voodoo?
BS:	You do.
B:	Do what?
BS:	Remind me of a man.
B:	What man?
BS:	The man with the power...
		-- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
%
Burnt Sienna.  That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
		-- Ken Weaver
%
But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
		-- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
%
But you shall not escape my iambics.
		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%
Can't act.  Slightly bald.  Also dances.
		-- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
		-- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
%
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
%
Darth Vader!  Only you would be so bold!
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:

	"Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and squirrel."

		-- ihuxw!tommyo
%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
Don't everyone thank me at once!
		-- Han Solo
%
Dustin Farnum:	Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
Oliver Herford:	Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!
		-- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
%
Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.
		-- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
%
E.T. GO HOME!!!  (And take your Smurfs with you.)
%
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
		-- Fred Allen
%
Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
		-- Bullwinkle Moose
%
Elwood:  What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
%
Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?
		-- Rich Little
%
Everyone is in the best seat.
		-- John Cage
%
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
		-- Marlo Thomas
%
Fast ship?  You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
		-- Han Solo
%
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
		-- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
%
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
%
For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
the results of this evening's experiments.  Astonished at the wonderful
power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
and bad music may be put on record forever.
		-- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
%
For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
%
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12

O.E.D.:				David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.

	Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
	shallowness in its treatment of a complete work.  Omar Sharif
	tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
	the role of abbacy.  As usual, the photography is stunning.
	With Julie Christie.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3

MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
	Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
	tries to make it big on Broadway.  Santa sings and dances his way
	into your heart.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5

THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
	This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
	forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
	make ends meet.  At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
	of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
	and to power small electrical appliances.  Maureen Stapleton gives
	a glowing performance.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9

THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS:	Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.

	Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
	everything from "timeless" to "endless."  (Remade by Gene
	Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#37
	Can you name the seven seas?
		Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
		North Pacific, South Pacific.
	Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
		Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
%
Fremen add life to spice!
%
				FROM THE DESK OF
				Dorothy Gale

	Auntie Em:
		Hate you.
		Hate Kansas.
		Taking the dog.
			Dorothy
%
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
that's your chance, my boy."
%
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
		-- Adventures of Asterix
%
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
	"Bring a friend, if you have one."

Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
had a previous engagement.  He also attached the following:
	"Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
%
Go ahead... make my day.
		-- Dirty Harry
%
God help the troubadour who tries to be a star.  The more that you try
to find success, the more that you will fail.
		-- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
%
God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the elephant
and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.
		-- Pablo Picasso
%
God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
%
Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
%
Governor Tarkin.  I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
leash.  I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place
of residence.
%
Grig (the navigator):
	... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
	armada.
Alex (the gunner):
	What?!?
Grig:	I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
	overwhelming odds.
Alex:	It'll be a slaughter!
Grig:	That's the spirit!
		-- The Last Starfighter
%
H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. Mencken --
there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
		-- Maxwell Bodenheim
%
	"Hawk, we're going to die."
	"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
		-- M*A*S*H
%
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
		-- Jonathon Swift
%
"Hello," he lied.
		-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
%
Hello.  Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine.  Will you
please have your master call my master at his convenience?  Thank you.
Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Hi Jimbo.  Dennis.  Really appreciate the help on the income tax.  You wanna
help on the audit now?
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.

The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways.  The artist explores
our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
structures in a post-industrial world.  She/he (the artist prefers to
remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
class-based stress.  The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
exist in a more fundamental sense.
%
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
		-- Rex Reed
%
Holy Dilemma!  Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?

	Tune in again tomorrow:
	same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
%
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
%
I accept chaos.  I am not sure whether it accepts me.  I know some people
are terrified of the bomb.  But then some people are terrified to be seen
carrying a modern screen magazine.  Experience teaches us that silence
terrifies people the most.
		-- Bob Dylan
%
I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
		-- David Bowie
%
I am a deeply superficial person.
		-- Andy Warhol
%
I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
total discrediting of the world of reality.
		-- Salvador Dali
%
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
		-- Fred Allen
%
I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
                -- Bart Simpson
%
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The curtain
was up.
%
I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk
and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.  I'll tell
you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
		-- Elvis Presley
%
I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a
goal in front and not behind.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
I had another dream the other day about music critics.  They were small
and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
painting by Goya.
		-- Stravinsky
%
I have a very strange feeling about this...
		-- Luke Skywalker
%
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
I have had my television aerials removed.  It's the moral equivalent
of a prostate operation.
		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
%
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole ____BODY!
		-- from "Cerebus" #82
%
I knew her before she was a virgin.
		-- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
%
I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
could do was to go away.
%
I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
		-- Lucy Van Pelt
%
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%
I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
reader.  But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
		-- Stephen King
%
I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
morning.  A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine.  Who composed
the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'?  My friend said Virgil Thomson."  I
asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
"You're right."  The porter said,  "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
that way."  I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
		-- Alistair Cooke
%
I remember Ulysses well...  Left one day for the post office to mail a letter,
met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, and didn't come back for 20 years.
%
I saw Lassie.  It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never
spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?
%
I stick my neck out for nobody.
		-- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
%
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
		-- Shirley Temple
%
I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookie win.
		-- C3P0
%
	"I suppose you expect me to talk."
	"No, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die."
		-- Goldfinger
%
I think we're in trouble.
		-- Han Solo
%
I think...  I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
		-- Escher
%
I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
and drown myself in the noise.
		-- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
%
I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
		-- Elvis Costello
%
I was working on a case.  It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
desk.  Then I saw her.  This tall blond lady.  She must have been tall
because I was on the third floor.  She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
me.  I picked them up and rolled them back.  We kissed.  She screamed.  I
took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
%
I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
in the room alone.
%
I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.  If
people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.  It's the truth.
		-- Charlie Chaplin
%
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.  Great song.
		-- Fred Reuss
%
I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
and Superman away.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There's a
knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
		-- Gallagher
%
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
%
I'll never get off this planet.
		-- Luke Skywalker
%
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
%
I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
with twenty-eight years ago.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I've got a very bad feeling about this.
		-- Han Solo
%
  I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
     its situation.
	Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He
	loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
	look down.  At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
	second per second takes over.
 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
     intervenes suddenly.
	Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
	characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
	pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
	Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
	stooge's surcease.
III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
     conforming to its perimeter.
	Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
	speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
	cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
	the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The
	threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
%
If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
%
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
		-- Paul Beatty
%
If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
not just because you fear she might be crazy.  If she tells her tale on
camera, you might listen.  Watching strangers on television , even
responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged -- voyeurs
collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community.  Never
have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
		-- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
		   in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
%
If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon
fall into disuse.
		-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
%
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
%
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.
%
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
%
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
		-- Ted Turner
%
If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
a laboratory jar at Harvard.
		-- Frank Sinatra

AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
		-- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
%
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
		-- Bob Hope
%
If it ain't baroque, don't phiques it.
%
If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes.  A more sententious, holding-
forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
		-- James Dickey
%
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
%
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
		-- Louis Armstrong
%
If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one
Maltese Falcon.
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time someone pulls
out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with your Bic.
%
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
		-- Don Marquis
%
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
		-- Fred Allen
%
Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
		-- Lionel Trilling
%
Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
		-- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
%
In Hollywood, all marriages are happy.  It's trying to live together
afterwards that causes the problems.
		-- Shelley Winters
%
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
		-- Rex Reed
%
In just seven days, I can make you a man!
		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
your left leg, it's modern architecture.
		-- Nancy Banks Smith
%
In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
%
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
%
In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains.  As night falls the
wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle.  After
everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
camp.
	After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day.  The drums get
louder and louder.
	Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
the sound of those drums."
	Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp:  "IT'S
NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
%
It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown came
out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I think the world
will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
that it is a joke.
%
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been
dead for two years.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
		-- Rod Serling
%
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 
to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 
which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the day, that is the
highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
%
It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
	-- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
%
It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
to Grandmother's condo.
%
It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.  Get into that garbage chute,
flyboy!
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
they'll come out for it.
		-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
		   Harry Cohn
%
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
%
It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.
		-- Luke Skywalker
%
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
		-- Mick Jagger
%
It's clever, but is it art?
%
It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
%
It's from Casablanca.  I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
		-- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
%
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
		-- Walt Disney
%
It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
		-- Sam Goldwyn
%
It's not easy, being green.
		-- Kermit the Frog
%
It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
		-- Garfield
%
IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
    equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
    spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
	Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
	inevitably unsuccessful.
 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
	Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
	them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an
	adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
	the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
	The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
	auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
	This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
	character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
	altercation at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common
	as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A "wacky"
	character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
	speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
%
James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
		-- Tom Stoppard
%
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
major general."
%
Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
television?" and "Good night".
		-- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
		   Letters, 1967
%
Jim, it's Grace at the bank.  I checked your Christmas Club account.
You don't have five-hundred dollars.  You have fifty.  Sorry, computer foul-up!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Jim, it's Jack.  I'm at the airport.  I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
you the five-hundred I owe you.  Catch you next year when I get back!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Jim, this is Janelle.  I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
I gotta find a safe place for Daffy.  He loves you, Jim!  It's only two
days, and you'll see.  Great Danes are no problem!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's.  Some guy named Angel
Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab.  And now he wants to charge it
to you.  You gonna pay it?
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!

(George and Ringo miffed.)
%
Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
		-- Bob Dylan
%
Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to
yourself, `There's no place like home.'
		-- Glynda the Good
%
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don't enjoy the sky
or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.  If Jesus Christ
came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.  Then we'd get
crucified in the morning.
		-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
%
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets.
		-- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who"
%
Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant.  While describing his
duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
table and warned him that he was not to take any.  Some days later, the new
manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
of the candy.  Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
candy, and said:
	"Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
%
	Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
lived with was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
the farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
applications for.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
		-- S.J. Perelman
%
Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
%
	Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
tries to hide behind a beard.  No good.  There are still too many people
and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking.  He moves to the
outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
caretaker included.  He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
	Nobody's cut the grass in months.  What's happened to that caretaker?
What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
start to get curious.  A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared.  The senior
class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
movie one night and stays out.  The town's up in arms, but just before the
police take action, the kids turn up.  They've found a purpose.  They go
home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
now.  They're in a band.
		-- Ira Kaplan
%
Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
%
Like ya know?  Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
		-- Senior Year Quote
%
Linus:	Hi!  I thought it was you.
	I've been watching you from way off...  You're looking great!
Snoopy:	That's nice to know.
	The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
%
Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe
	we should think only about today.
Charlie Brown:
	No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
	better.
%
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
		-- James Dean
%
Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
%
Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
%
Lucy:	Dance, dance, dance.  That is all you ever do.
	Can't you be serious for once?
Snoopy: She is right!  I think I had better think
	of the more important things in life!
	(pause)
	Tomorrow!!
%
Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
		-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
%
Maj. Bloodnok:	Seagoon, you're a coward!
Seagoon:	Only in the holiday season.
Maj. Bloodnok:	Ah, another Noel Coward!
%
Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
Doctor:   "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
	  don't think, right?"
		-- Dr. Who
%
Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
tricks on me and treating me badly.
		-- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
%
Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam dancing.
		-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
%
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
		-- Monty Python
%
"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been watching
Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
%
Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you out
of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
		-- Casablanca
%
Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO inconsiderate."
		-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
%
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
%
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
themselves that they have a better idea.
		-- John Ciardi
%
Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more wretched collection of
villainy and disreputable types...
		-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
%
Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
Etiquette.  We aren't going to call again!  Now you want these free
lessons or what?
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Mr. Rockford?  Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses.  We got your
renewal before the extended deadline but not your check.  I'm sorry but
at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Mr. Rockford?  This is Betty Joe Withers.  I got four shirts of yours from
the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake.  I don't know why they gave me men's
shirts but they're going back.
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Mr. Rockford?  You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you.  Could
you call me at...  My name is... uh...  Never mind, forget it!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
		-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
%
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my
amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste. First we
checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the
belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up the amplifier and backed
up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed forward, shouting "The WHO!  The
WHO!" and we launched my amplifier perfectly, as though we had been doing it
all our lives, clean through the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a
small but appreciative crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say
that this was a symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away
from one state in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper
and I really just wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded
OK.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
	-- MadameX
%
My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
		-- Peter Stack, movie review

His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
		-- John Stark, movie review
%
No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
		-- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
		   film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.  It should be of the hill,
belonging to it.
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
their wish has been granted.
		-- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
%
No two persons ever read the same book.
		-- Edmund Wilson
%
"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
		-- Dr. Who
%
Nobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
%
Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
%
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
		-- Marcus Terentius Varro
%
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
not to make any poultry jokes.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Oh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!
%
	"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
urban crime.  Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
put you through to our central base in Atlanta.  Go ahead, call -- they'll
confirm who I am.
	"Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
		-- Captain Freedom
%
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
%
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
%
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
%
Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how
weak he is.
		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
%
One big pile is better than two little piles.
		-- Arlo Guthrie
%
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic minority,
crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
%
	Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices.  No one else in
town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
%
People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to
amuse them.
		-- S. Johnson
%
Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain
unsoundness of mind.
		-- Thomas Macaulay
%
Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
couldn't compete successfully with poets.
		-- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer), "Venus on the Half Shell"
%
Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
%
Plots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
an uncontainable experience.
		-- R.S. Knapp
%
Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:

	SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater.  Thanks to
him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at.  Memorable
line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"

	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks.  Scenes include a girl being stuffed
with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
with beets and dressing.  Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
diets that are driving them crazy.

	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
Except with sour cream.
%
Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:

	THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
behind this).  Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."

	A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers.  Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
general butter-melting by all.

	FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off!  Cameo by Walter
Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
%
Prizes are for children.
		-- Charles Ives, upon being given, but refusing, the
		   Pulitzer prize
%
Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
And there's no reason for it.  So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
for twelve years?  I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
I can.  Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
		-- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
%
Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator
of sociopathic tendencies.
		-- Zoso
%
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the
Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
%
Rascal, am I?  Take THAT!
		-- Errol Flynn
%
Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
his death.  He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol."  Over at the
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers.  So Stevie
Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow!  I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
"'Close to You'.  Hit it, boys!"
		-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
%
Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
		-- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."
		-- Dave Barry
%
Satire is tragedy plus time.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
%
Satire is what closes Saturday night.
		-- George Kaufman
%
'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
		-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
%
She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
		-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
%
"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing,
you should hear me play piano.'"
		-- Morrisey
%
She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
good at being short.
		-- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
%
Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet!  I'm hunting wabbits...
%
Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
		-- Martin Mull
%
Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
		-- C3P0
%
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects
such as wickerwork picnic baskets.  Imagination without skill gives us modern
art.
		-- Tom Stoppard
%
Smile!  You're on Candid Camera.
%
Snakes.  Why did it have to be snakes?
		-- Indiana Jones, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
%
Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
%
Snow White has become a camera buff.  She spends hours and hours
shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics.  Then she
mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service.  It takes weeks
for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
with Snow White.  She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
%
So do the noble fall.  For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality.  Against the greater force
they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
of obligations.  And when the noble fall, the base remain.  The base -- whose
only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect.  Whose only
purpose is to destroy.  The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
strength.  For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
		-- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
%
	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward
it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and
I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our
heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
Some men who fear that they are playing second fiddle aren't in the
band at all.
%
Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.
		-- Avery
%
"Spare no expense to save money on this one."
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll take you all
on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
		-- Harlan Ellison
%
	"Surely you can't be serious."
	"I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley."
		-- "Airplane"
%
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
		-- Laurie Anderson
%
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%
Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
		-- Robert Carson
%
Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
	-- Alfred Hitchcock
%
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
		-- Ann Landers
%
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
		-- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
%
Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping
the top of the barrel.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
		-- R. Geis
%
That's no moon...
		-- Obi-wan Kenobi
%
The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
		-- E. Costello
%
The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
but doesn't.
		-- Tom Crichton
%
	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
people, and don't come in clearly enough.
		-- Bill Maher
%
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
greater than that of any other animals.  Some of their most esteemed
inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party
of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
		-- Picasso
%
The covers of this book are too far apart.
		-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
%
The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
		-- T.K.
%
The faster we go, the rounder we get.
		-- The Grateful Dead
%
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
The Great Movie Posters:

*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
		-- Tea with a Kick (1924)

Whoopie!  Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
		-- The Wild Party (1929)

YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
DIX -- the dashing soldier!
	DIX -- the bold adventurer!
		DIX -- the throbbing lover!
		-- The Wheel of Life (1929)

SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
		-- The Night is Young (1934)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
unimaginable hell.
		-- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)

NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
		-- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)

LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF SLAUGHTER!
		-- Five Bloody Graves (1969)

The family that slays together stays together.
		-- Bloody Mama (1970)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
		-- Squirm (1976)

Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
		-- The New House on the Left (1977)

WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
		-- Zombie (1980)

It's not human and it's got an axe.
		-- The Prey (1981)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
		-- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)

An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
		-- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)

WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Alone, only a harmless pet...
	One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
		-- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)

They're Over-Exposed
But Not Under-Developed!
		-- Cover Girl Models (1976)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
		-- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)

Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
		-- Untamed Mistress (1960)

NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
FIRST TIME...  HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
		-- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
		-- The Cycle Savages (1969)

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle...   Has no Flesh on It!
		-- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)

TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
		-- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)

They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
		-- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"?  Maybe so -- but let her hear
you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
		-- Spitfire (1934)

Do Native Women Live With Apes?
		-- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)

JUNGLE KISS!!
	When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
was a girl in love!
	SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
		-- Her Jungle Love (1938)

LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
		-- Intermezzo (1939)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
		-- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)

She Sins in Mobile --
Marries in Houston --
Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
FIRST -- HARLOW!
THEN -- MONROE!
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
		-- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan

*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 
A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!!  MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
		-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964)  (Alternate Title:
		   The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
		   Became Mixed Up Zombies)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
	SEE the burning of a virgin!
	SEE power of witch doctor over women!
	SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
		-- Kwaheri (1965)

The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
		-- Boeing-Boeing (1965)

AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
	The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
give you the wim-wams!
		-- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
		-- Sweet and Savage (1983)

What a Guy!  What a Gal!  What a Pair!
		-- Stroker Ace (1983)

It's always better when you come again!
		-- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)

You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
		-- Pieces (1983)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
on a roaring rampage of revenge!
		-- Bury Me an Angel (1972)

WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB SAUSAGES?
		-- Meat is Meat (1972)

TODAY the Pond!
TOMORROW the World!
		-- Frogs (1972)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
		-- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)

CAST OF 3,000!
4 WRITERS,
2 DIRECTORS,
3 CAMERAMEN,
3 PRODUCERS!
1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
	BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
	AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
Be Brave--bring your troubles and your family to:
	HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
		-- The Prince of Peace (1948).  Starring members of the
		   Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
%
The Great Movie Posters:

The Miracle of the Age!!!  A LION in your lap!  A LOVER in your arms!
		-- Bwana Devil (1952)

OVERWHELMING!  ELECTRIFYING!  BAFFLING!
Fire Can't Burn Them!  Bullets Can't Kill Them!  See the Unfolding of
the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
Earth!  You've Never Seen Anything Like It!  Neither Has the World!
	SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
		-- Robot Monster (1953)

1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
802 scared bulls!
		-- The Egyptian (1954)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
horror on a screaming world!
		-- The Crawling Eye (1958)

SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
giant desires!
		-- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)

Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
What Should a Movie Do?  Hide Its Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
		-- The Desperate Women (1958)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

They hungered for her treasure!  And died for her pleasure!
SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
		-- The Golden Mistress (1954)

See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
		-- The French Line (1954)

See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
		-- Hot Blood (1956)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make Friends...
		-- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)

Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
		-- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)

A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
		-- A Taste of Blood (1967)
%
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
		-- Johnny Carson
%
The horror... the horror!
%
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
		-- H. Allen Smith
%
The human brain is a wonderful thing.  It starts working the moment
you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
		-- Sir George Jessel
%
"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
has gills through which it can see."
		-- Monty Python
%
The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut.  To reveal
an artist to the people can be to destroy him.  It isn't to anyone's
advantage to see the truth.
		-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
%
The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
		-- Governor Tarkin
%
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
		-- Nicol Williamson
%
The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
is of course a shameful canard.  The key age has traditionally been
more like fourteen.
		-- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
%
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader
catch his own breath.
		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
%
The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
%
The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
		-- David Lardner
%
The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
stable business.
		-- John Steinbeck
	[Horse racing *is* a stable business ...]
%
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
%
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
%
The story you are about to hear is true.  Only the names have been
changed to protect the innocent.
%
The streets were dark with something more than night.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
		-- RKO
%
The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
		-- Ken Kesey
%
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.
		-- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
%
The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
designed for people who walk on their hands.
		-- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
%
The Worst Musical Trio
	There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
instrument.  This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
violinist.  Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
unhampered by great musical talent.
	Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
concert.  "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm."  Although
Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
in Paris.  However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
	"Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
"and it will be a sell out."
	Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was.  On the night an excited
audience gathered.  Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
asked for someone to turn his pages.
	In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
volunteered and made his way to the stage.
	The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
Gaveau last night.  The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
the piano.  Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
long winter evenings.
		-- Quentin Crisp
%
There are three rules for writing a novel.  Unfortunately, no one knows
what they are.
		-- Somerset Maugham
%
There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies.  They hang out and play
together for years, virtually inseparable.  Unfortunately, one of them is
struck by a truck and killed.  About a week later his friend wakes up in
the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
room.  He calls out, "Who's there?  Who's there?  What's going on?"
	"It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
	Excitedly he sits up in bed.  "Bob!  Bob!  Is that you?  Where are
you?"
	"Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
	"Heaven!  You're in heaven!  That's wonderful!  What's it like?"
	"It's great, man.  I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
Man it is smokin'!"
	"Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
tell me more!"
	"Let me put it this way," continues the voice.  "There's good news
and bad news.  The good news is that these guys are in top form.  I mean
I have *never* heard them sound better.  They are *wailing* up here."
	"The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
%
There are two ways of disliking art.   One is to dislike it.  The other is
to like it rationally.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
		-- Darth Vader
%
There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it is done in private
and you wash your hands afterward.
%
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
There's a trick to the Graceful Exit.  It begins with the vision to
recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to let
go.  It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its
past importance in our lives.  It involves a sense of future, a belief
that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, rather than out.
The trick of retiring well may be the trick of living well.  It's hard to
recognize that life isn't a holding action, but a process.  It's hard to
learn that we don't leave the best parts of ourselves behind, back in the
dugout or the office. We own what we learned back there.  The experiences
and the growth are grafted onto our lives.  And when we exit, we can take
ourselves along -- quite gracefully.
		-- Ellen Goodman
%
There's nothing remarkable about it.  All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
		-- J.S. Bach
%
There's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.
		-- Red Smith
%
There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
%
There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
		-- The Blues Brothers
%
... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...

	I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
%
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
		-- Found on a door in the MSU music building
%
This is Jim Rockford.
At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.

This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds.  Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
his bail is forfeit.  That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.

This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you...  Is this a machine?  I don't
talk to machines!  [Click]
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
%
This is the Baron.  Angel Martin tells me you buy information.  Ok,
meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
and come alone.  I'm serious!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
This unit... must... survive.
%
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.  This was terrible
with raisins in it.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
	Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
from Don Quixote for a local TV show.  "I'll play the title role," proposed
Tom.  "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
%
Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
		-- Trollope
%
To be is to do.
		-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
		-- A. Sartre
Do be a Do Bee!
		-- Miss Connie, Romper Room
Do be do be do!
		-- F. Sinatra
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
		-- F. Flintstone
%
Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
%
Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more 
spectacular adventure starring...  Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
		-- Bob & Ray
%
"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
except in major motion pictures."
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
		-- Han Solo
%
Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
		-- Michelangelo
%
"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
%
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
		-- Edward Gibbon
%
Use an accordion.  Go to jail.
		-- KFOG, San Francisco
%
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds
sang there except those that sang best.
		-- Henry Van Dyke
%
Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five.  The
reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
thirty-five.
		-- Joel Hildebrand
%
 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
      entrances; others cannot.
	This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
	it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
	trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
	space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
	follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not
	of science.
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
	Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
	might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
	accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
	destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
	elongate, snap back, or solidify.
  IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
	This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
	the physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of
	watching it happen to a duck instead.
   X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
	Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
%
Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
%
Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
		-- Han Solo
%
We don't like their sound.  Groups of guitars are on the way out.
		-- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
%
We have art that we do not die of the truth.
		-- Nietzsche
%
We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night.  Live, on the Death label.
		-- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
%
We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
%
We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
and emotional feelings.  It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
it's not going to do anything for you.
		-- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
%
We're only in it for the volume.
		-- Black Sabbath
%
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
you believe?!"
		-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
%
	"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
maim or kill innocent little children."
	"Oh, so you don't like it?"
	"Don't like it?  I'm CRAZY for it."
		-- The Killing Joke
%
"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"

"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ... coefficient of
relevance to Key of Time: zero."
		-- Dr. Who
%
Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
%
What a bonanza!  An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
		-- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
%
What an artist dies with me!
		-- Nero
%
What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.
		-- Brendan Francis
%
	"What are you watching?"
	"I don't know."
	"Well, what's happening?"
	"I'm not sure...  I think the guy in the hat did something terrible."
	"Why are you watching it?"
	"You're so analytical.  Sometimes you just have to let art flow
over you."
		-- The Big Chill
%
What did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of about
Down Under up for?
%
	"What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest fantasies?"
	"You keep it to yourself."
		-- Broadcast News
%
What ever happened to happily ever after?
%
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
%
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.
%
	"What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
	"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
		-- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
%
When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
%
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
%
When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
it less and less."
		-- Louise Andrews Kent
%
Where is John Carson now that we need him?
		-- RLG
%
While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
Eastwood agreed to a television interview.  His host, somewhat hostile,
began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
define a Clint Eastwood picture.  "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
		-- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
%
Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
%
Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
%
Who is John Galt?
%
Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
%
Who was that masked man?
%
Who's on first?
%
Who's scruffy-looking?
		-- Han Solo
%
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
		-- Paul Simon
%
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?  I could
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
		-- Ian Shoales
%
	Why are you doing this to me?
	Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
there is change.
		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
%
Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
%
Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I don't know why I shouldn't --
Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
do it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I shall do the same for you, when you want
me to.  Why not?  Why should I not do it for you?  Strange!  Why not? --
I can't think why not.
		-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
%
Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 
		-- The Tasmanian Devil
%
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
		-- Christopher Plummer
%
Worth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see.
%
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
%
X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
%
Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet.  I've got eight slugs in me.  One's lead,
the rest bourbon.  The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver.  I'm
a private eye.
		-- "Calvin & Hobbes"
%
Year  Name				James Bond	Book
----  --------------------------------	--------------	----
50's  James Bond TV Series		Barry Nelson
1962  Dr. No				Sean Connery	1958
1963  From Russia With Love		Sean Connery	1957
1964  Goldfinger			Sean Connery	1959
1965  Thunderball			Sean Connery	1961
1967* Casino Royale			David Niven	1954
1967  You Only Live Twice		Sean Connery	1964
1969  On Her Majesty's Secret Service	George Lazenby	1963
1971  Diamonds Are Forever		Sean Connery	1956
1973  Live And Let Die			Roger Moore	1955
1974  The Man With The Golden Gun	Roger Moore	1965
1977  The Spy Who Loved Me		Roger Moore	1962 (novelette)
1979  Moonraker				Roger Moore	1955
1981  For Your Eyes Only		Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
1983  Octopussy				Roger Moore	1965
1983* Never Say Never Again		Sean Connery
1985  A View To A Kill			Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
1987  The Living Daylights		Timothy Dalton	1965 (novelette)
	* -- Not a Broccoli production.
%
Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.
		-- John Cheever
%
	"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
	"Sure.  Whaddya got?"
		-- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
%
You're all clear now, kid.  Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
		-- Han Solo
%
"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
		-- Gary Giddens
%
Zero Mostel: That's it baby!  When you got it, flaunt it!  Flaunt it!
		-- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
%
		 (  /\__________/\  )
		  \(^ @___..___@ ^)/
		   /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\
		  /  \(/\/\/\/\)/  \
		-(    """"""""""    )
		  \      _____      /
		  (     /(   )\     )
		  _)   (_V) (V_)   (_
		 (V)(V)(V)   (V)(V)(V)
%
		 ___          ______	       Frobtech, Inc.
                /__/\     ___/_____/\          
                \  \ \   /         /\\
                 \  \ \_/__       /  \         "If you've got the job,
                 _\  \ \  /\_____/___ \         we've got the frob."
                // \__\/ /  \       /\ \
        _______//_______/    \     / _\/______
       /      / \       \    /    / /        /\
    __/      /   \       \  /    / /        / _\__
   / /      /     \_______\/    / /        / /   /\
  /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/  \
  \ \      \    ___________    \ \        \ \   \  /
   \_\      \  /          /\    \ \        \ \___\/
      \      \/          /  \    \ \        \  /
       \_____/          /    \    \ \________\/
            /__________/      \    \  /
            \   _____  \      /_____\/
             \ /    /\  \    / \  \ \
              /____/  \  \  /   \  \ \
              \    \  /___\/     \  \ \
               \____\/            \__\/
%
_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\     l  * /    /_/ *   __  '     .* l
I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\   l      *//      _l__l_   . *.  l
 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l  l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l   l  \\ // ____ >-(    )-<    /  l
 [__][__][_l    l[__][__][l    l][__][] l   l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
 [][__][__]l   .l_][__][__]   .l__][__] l   l   ll  _(o_o)_        (@*_*@  l
 [__][__][/   <_)[__][__]/   <_)][__][] l   l   ll (  / \  )     /   / / ) l
 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l   l  / \\  _\  \_   /     _\_\   l
 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l   l______________________________l
 [__][__]] l     ,  , .      [__][__][] l
 [][__][_] l   . i. '/ ,     [][__][__] l        /\**/\       season's
 [__][__]] l  O .\ / /, O    [__][__][] l       ( o_o  )_)       greetings
_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u  u  ,),__________________
 [__][__]]/  /l\-------/l\   [__][__][]/       {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>

In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.

%
    ***
  *******
 *********
 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
  *******
    ***
%
SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
MICRO ARTISTS GANG!  MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!


					     \__\_ :. ___/
						..\  /--
 :.______ :  .:*  :  . _ .:  :..  .  :   . .  :    ()_ .:
  ((     \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/  *\_o
====((    \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. .  ()_______/\\ __-'
 \____((   \ ()oo()_/ /.:  :  ..________/_____ll   -/.: ..
 (      ((  \(())))__/   .  ..  \\.: ..(   )  ll (  l_.:
(       / (( \__*__)___:___ :  : ))   .) /--------\ \ \
(      /    ((_____________) .. //  . / / /..:: .  )_)_\
 (____/_____________________\__// :  /_/_/  :..  :/_/ \_\
 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/    /_/_/


%
			 ___====-_  _-====___
		  _--~~~#####// '  ` \\#####~~~--_
		-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_
	       -############//  |\^^/|  \\############-
	     _~############//   (O||O)   \\############~_ 
	    ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~  
	   -###############\\    (oo)    //###############-
	  -#################\\  / `' \  //#################- 
	 -###################\\/  ()  \//###################-
	_#/|##########/\######(  (())  )######/\##########|\#_
	|/ |#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##|  \()/  |##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#| \|
	`  |/  V  V  `   V  )||  |()|  ||(  V   '  V /\  \|  '
	   `   `  `      `  / |  |()|  | \  '      '<||>  '
			   (  |  |()|  |  )\        /|/
			  __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
			 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
%
		    ___====-_  _-====___
	      _--~~~#####//      \\#####~~~--_
	   _-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_
	  -############//  :\^^/:  \\############-
	_~############//   (@::@)   \\############~_
       ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~
      -###############\\    (^^)    //###############-
     -#################\\  / "" \  //#################-
    -###################\\/      \//###################-
   _#/:##########/\######(   /\   )######/\##########:\#_
   :/ :#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##\  :  :  /##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#: \:
   "  :/  V  V  "   V  \#\: :  : :/#/  V   "  V  V  \:  "
      "   "  "      "   \ : :  : : /   "      "  "   "
%
			_-^--^=-_
		   _.-^^          -~_
		_--                  --_
	       <                        >)
	       |                         |
		\._                   _./
		   ```--. . , ; .--'''
			 | |   |
		      .-=||  | |=-.
		      `-=#$%&%$#=-'
			 | ;  :|
		_____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
%
      _
  _  / \			   o
 / \ | |		       o	   o		 o
 | | | |   _			o    o		       o       o
 | \_| |  / \		      o			    o	 o
  \__  |  | |		  o			      o
     | |  | |		 ______	  ~~~~		    _____
     | |__/ |	       / ___--\\ ~~~		 __/_____\__
     |	___/	      / \--\\  \\   \ ___	<__  x x  __\
     | |	     / /\\  \\	     ))	 \	   (  "	 )
     | |     -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
     | |   //	    | | //__________  /	   \	____)	(___	  \\
     | |  //	  __|_|	 ( --------- )	    //// ______ /////\	   \\
	 //	  |    (  \ ______  /	   <<<< <>-----<<<<< /	    \\
	//	 (     )		      / /	  \` \__     \\
       //-------------------------------------------------------------\\

Every now and then, when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at
top volume and at least a pint of ether.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
You are here:   
		***
		***
	     *********
	      *******
	       *****
		***
		 *

		 But you're not all there.
%
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
%
101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
	(1)  Scarecrow for centipedes
	(2)  Dead cat brush
	(3)  Hair barrettes
	(4)  Cleats
	(5)  Self-piercing earrings
	(6)  Fungus trellis
	(7)  False eyelashes
	(8)  Prosthetic dog claws
        .
        .
        .
	(99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
	(100) Killer velcro
	(101) Currency
%
1: No code table for op: ++post
%
4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986

You swing at the Sun.  You miss.  The Sun swings.  He hits you with a
575MB disk!  You read the 575MB disk.  It is written in an alien
tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes.  You throw the
575MB disk at the Sun.  You hit!  The Sun must repair your eyes.  The
Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your 130MB disk!  He has defeated the
130MB disk!  The Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your Ethernet board!  He
has defeated your Ethernet board!  You read a scroll of "postpone until
Monday at 9 AM".  Everything goes dark...
		-- /etc/motd, cbosgd
%
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
a photo-safari in Africa.  As they're driving along the savannah in their
jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look!  A herd of zebras!  And there's a white zebra!
	Fantastic!  We'll be famous!"
The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant.  We only know
	there's one white zebra."
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
	white on one side."
The computer scientist : "Oh, no!  A special case!"
%
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
%
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
%
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
%
A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 
had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 
various objects had Buddha-nature or not.  To such a question Tortue 
invariably sat silent.  The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 
and a moonlit night.  One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 
asked the same question.  In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 
between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 
string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk.  At that moment, the monk 
was enlightened. 

From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue.  Instead, he made string after 
string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 
who passed it on to theirs.
%
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that works.
%
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
		-- Joseph Campbell
%
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
	-- Mitch Ratcliffe
%
A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
the president one of the latest talking computers.
Salesman:	"This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion
		and it'll give the correct answer.  Computer, what is the
		speed of light?"
Computer:	186,282 miles per second.
Salesman:	"Who was the first president of the United States?"
Computer:	George Washington.
President:	"I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
		Where is my father?"
Computer:	Your father is fishing in Georgia.
President:	"Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
		years ago!"
Computer:	Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
		landed a twelve pound bass.
%
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
%
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake
without ketchup and mustard.
%
A CONS is an object which cares.
		-- Bernie Greenberg.
%
A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions
that make it fail.
		-- Jerry Ogdin
%
	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
%
	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 
whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments, they
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the Garden 
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 
and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect."
	The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to
help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse,
and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I
see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back
of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
with a thick Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
		-- D. Gries
%
A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
%
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
%
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
in than some that do.
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work
by being declared to work.
		-- Anatol Holt
%
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
		-- Alan Perlis
%
A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
		-- Don Knuth
%
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix,
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
	A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
Knuth.  When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found.  "Where is the
wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
	"Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
disciples."
	Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
%
	A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
program on which he was working.  "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
promptly replied.
	"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
how long will it take?"
	The programmer thought for a moment.  "I have some features that I wish
to add.  This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
	"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
	The programmer agreed to this.
	Several years later, the manager retired.  On the way to his
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
He had been programming all night.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
invented a new program that became popular and sold well.  As a result, the
manager retained his job.
	The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
concept, and thus I expect no reward."
	The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
employee.  Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
	But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
so that I can program.  If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
everyone's time.  Can I go now?  I have a program that I'm working on."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
at five in the afternoon."  At this, all of them became angry and several
resigned on the spot.
	So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule."  The
programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
hours of the morning.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
document for a new application.  The manager asked the master: "How long will
it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
	"It will take one year," said the master promptly.
	"But we need this system immediately or even sooner!  How long will it
take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
	The master programmer frowned.  "In that case, it will take two years."
	"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
	The master programmer shrugged.  "Then the design will never be
completed," he said.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day.  The master
noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game.  "Excuse me",
he said, "may I examine it?"
	The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
and Hard", said the master.  "Yet every such device has another level of play,
where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
human."
	"Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
mysterious setting?"
	The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
said the master.
	"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
	"It is," came the reply.
	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
	"It is even in a video game," said the master.
	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The lesson
is over for today," he said.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A modem is a baudy house.
%
A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
%
	*** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***

Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
and lots more besides.  Our training course covers every programming language
in existence, and some that aren't.  You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
you should blame when you make a mistake.

	Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
	I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
	postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)

*** Our Slogan:  Top down programming for the masses. ***
%
	A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
documents, or tests his programs.  Yet all who know him consider him one of
the best programmers in the world.  Why is this?"
	The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao.  He has
gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern.  He has gone beyond the
need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.  He
has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident.  Truly, he has
entered the mystery of the Tao."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
sometimes aborts.  I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
baffled. What is the reason for this?"
	The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
the Tao.  Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans.  Why
do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed?  Computers
simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
	The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
	"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
novice.
	"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
much larger than all others.  It towers above its competition like a giant
among dwarfs.  Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
Why is this so?"
	The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions?  That
company is large because it is so large.  If it only made hardware, nobody
would buy it.  If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
servant.  But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
of the gods!  By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'.  It is bloated out of shape with
vice-presidents and accountants.  It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant.  Every year new
names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail.  How can such an
unnatural entity exist?"
	The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
disturbed that it has no rational purpose.  Can you not take amusement from
its endless gyrations?  Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
beneath its sheltering branches?  Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a
question.
	"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
	The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
relied upon to know these things.  He thought for several minutes before
replying.
	"I don't see why not.  It's got bloody well everything else."
	With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch.  The novice suddenly
achieved enlightenment, several years later.

Commentary:

His Master is kind,
Answering his FAQ quickly,
With thought and sarcasm.
%
	A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
package.
	The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
	When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off and on.  The
machine worked.
%
A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
		-- Donald Knuth
%
	A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
strings of pearls.  The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
throughout.  There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
rigidity.
	A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'.  What is this
law?  It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
way that astonishes him least.
	A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit.  The
program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
appearances.
	If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
disorder and confusion.  The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
program.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
of programmers work for other companies?  They behaved badly and were
unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
made rude noises during my presentation."
	The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
Those programmers live beyond the physical world.  They consider life absurd,
an accidental coincidence.  They come and go without knowing limitations.
Without a care, they live only for their programs.  Why should they bother
with social conventions?"
	"They are alive within the Tao."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 
assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 
and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 
dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
		-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
%
A programming language is low level when its programs require attention
to the irrelevant.
%
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
%
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
%
	A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
realization of a basic truth came over me.  So simple!  So obvious we couldn't
see it.  John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
group, had discovered how IC circuits work.  He says that smoke is the thing
that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
it stops working.  He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
	I was flabbergasted!  Of course!  Smoke makes all things electrical
work.  Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
Didn't it quit working?  I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
dawned.  It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
another in your Mini, MG or Jag.  And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works.  The starter motor
requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
going to it is so large.
	Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis.  Why are Lucas
electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch?  Hmmm...  Aha!!!  Lucas is
British, and all things British leak!  British convertible tops leak water,
British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
		-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School

	[Ummm ... IC circuits?  Integrated circuit circuits?]
%
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it true", asked the
student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?"  Almost before
the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
the student with a stick.
%
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
		-- S. C. Johnson
%
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
A swift-flowing steam does not grow stagnant.
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
Software rots if not used.

These are great mysteries.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
%
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
ax.  It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
		-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just
makes the manuals thicker.
%
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
		-- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"

Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
		-- George Washington, 1732-1799
%
	After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head.  PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
	"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1.  "You will never find a more
wretched hive of bugs and flamers.  We must be cautious."
		-- DECWARS
%
Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
		-- Dijkstra
%
Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most important programming language
yet developed.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
All constants are variables.
%
===  ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers.  This
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
updated in their .login file.  Should you attempt to execute a job on a 
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
cold boot process.
%
All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the parts
you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you can't get
them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do not use a hammer.
		-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
%
All programmers are optimists.  Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers.  Perhaps the hundreds
of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
goal.  Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
and the young are always optimists.  But however the selection process works,
the result is indisputable:  "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
the last bug."
		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
%
"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
		-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
		   MIT Press, 1987
%
All the simple programs have been written.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.

The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users.  The
Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid.  When the 
switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
back of VMI monitors.  Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
performance.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day.  Unfortunately,
this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive.  In
order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
please communicate them by one of the following paths:

	ARPA:  WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
	UUCP:  [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
 	Non-network sites:  Federal Express to:
		Wastebasket
		Room NE43-926
		Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
	For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
	operators are on call 24 hours a day.  VISA/MC accepted.*

* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 
  responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

CAR and CDR now return extra values.

The function CAR now returns two values.  Since it has to go to the trouble 
to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 
well get both halves at once.  For example, the following code shows how to 
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):

	(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)

For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
object.  In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 
fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack.  This should
hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
it cold boots the machine so often.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
done.  Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
Note that LET *could* have been defined by:

	(LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
			,LET)))
	`(LET ((LET ',LET))
		,LET))

This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

JCL support as alternative to system menu.

In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL.  This can be used as an
alternative to the standard system menu.  Type System J to get to a JCL
interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window.  [Note that for 360
compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.]  This
window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc.  When a JCL
syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
debugger is entered.  The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

The garbage collector now works.  In addition a new, experimental garbage 
collection algorithm has been installed.  With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 
virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself.  With SI:%DSK-GC-
QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled.  Unlike most garbage
collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 
than from the obarray.  This allows the garbage collection of significantly 
more Qs.  As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing.  The variable 
SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
	(DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
		(PROG (V P LP)
		(SETQ P (LOCF V))
	L	(SETQ LP LISTS)
		(%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
	L1	(OR LP (GO L2))
		(AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
		(%PUSH (CAAR LP))
		(RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
		(SETQ LP (CDR LP))
		(GO L1)
	L2	(%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
		(SETQ LP (%POP))
		(RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
		(GO L)))
We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
%
All your files have been destroyed (sorry).  Paul.
%
Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design
would be accurate.
		-- K.E. Iverson
%
Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
reason.  He knows it because he fired the guy.
	"He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'"  Mr. O'Neil says.
"I said, 'No.  Wrong.  Game over.  Next contestant, please.'"
		-- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
%
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has 
been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an 
import.  This beer never really sold very well because the original 
manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer 
fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 
16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz.  cans too.  When this can was 
originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design 
hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.  Critics of 
this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
%
An Ada exception is when a routine gets in trouble and says
'Beam me up, Scotty'.
%
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
%
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
		-- D.E. Knuth
%
... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center.  When a
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up.  That
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
never when standing.

Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing?  Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason.  Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity?  But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched.  When the programmer was seated he was a
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
astray by hunting and pecking.
	-- "Programming Pearls" column, by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
%
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
%
An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
%
An interpretation _I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
by the corresponding row and column labels.
		-- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
		   Intelligence"
%
And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail.  No exceptions.
		-- David Jones
%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%
Another megabytes the dust.
%
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
%
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
%
Any program which runs right is obsolete.
%
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
%
... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any
resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.  The
question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the existence of
the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient.  (A
discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
of this article.)
%
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
		-- Rich Kulawiec
%
Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
		-- Elizabeth Zwicky
%
APL hackers do it in the quad.
%
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of the
future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
of coding bums.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
...and is best for educational purposes.
		-- A. Perlis
%
APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I can't
read any of them.
		-- Roy Keir
%
Are we running light with overbyte?
%
Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you
imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
%
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
		-- Weisert
%
As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name.
		-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
%
As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
in the fragmented world of IBM.  That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control.  You can buy a
computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
IBM itself.  Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
standards of their own.  When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
innovator.  Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
imagery.  IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures.  Graven
images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
on the austerity of the word.
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
%
As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 
schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 
The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
%
As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
Please update your programs.
%
As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
Please update your programs.
%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
%
As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:

News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:

	Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
	Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
	Keywords: C sources
	Distribution: na

	I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
	sources newsgroup.  I save the files, edit them to remove the
	headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
	cannot get them to run.  (I have never written a C program before.)

	Must they be compiled?  With what compiler?  How do I do this?  If
	I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
	it explicitly with the > character?  Is there something else that
	must be done?
%
As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
		-- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
		   conversion to a new computer system.
%
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had to be
discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
my own programs.
		-- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
%
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working component by a new
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."
%
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
%
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
%
Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
%
Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
		-- D. Gries
%
Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
		-- D. Winker and F. Prosser
%
At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
solved.  The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
available.  The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it.  There
is only one solution, he says.  Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
relativity and all.  She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
a computer problem?"
	"Remember the twin paradox?"
	After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course!  Leave the
computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
	The problem was so important that they did exactly that.  When
the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:

	IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
%
At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
quite untrue in practice.  Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
than blinkers it.
		-- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
		-- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
%
Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
%
Basic is a high level languish.  APL is a high level anguish.
%
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.
%
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
		-- Seymour Papert
%
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
%
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
		-- Donald Knuth
%
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
		-- Leonard Brandwein
%
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of 
interest is easy.
%
Beware the new TTY code!
%
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
		-- David Nichols
%
BLISS is ignorance.
%
Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
interface circuit details.  The two models, however, are not compatible
on the same communications line connection.
		-- Bell System Technical Reference
%
Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend to think of it as
`Constructive Snottiness.'
		-- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
%
Brain fried -- Core dumped
%
Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
		-- Randy Goebel
%
	Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor
any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
center of the dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will
usually know what's wrong."
%
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
%
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
%
Building translators is good clean fun.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
Bus error -- driver executed.
%
Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
%
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
		-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
%
But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What
is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
Have I explained yet about the bytes?
%
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?"
%
By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
		-- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
		   Fool's column.
%
BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
carefully print the chaff.
%
Byte your tongue.
%
C Code.
C Code Run.
Run, Code, RUN!
	PLEASE!!!!
%
C for yourself.
%
C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot.  C++ makes that
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
		-- Bjarne Stroustrup
%
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
		-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
%
C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
%
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
objects and member functions.  Specifically, members may be placed in the
public, private, or protected parts of a class.  Members declared in the
public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses.  C++ also supports
the notion of *_______friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
other's private parts.
		-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
%
Calm down, it's *____only* ones and zeroes.
%
Can't open /usr/fortunes.  Lid stuck on cookie jar.
%
Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
%
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
%
CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
%
Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
%
Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
%
COBOL is for morons.
		-- E.W. Dijkstra
%
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
%
Coding is easy;  All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops
of blood form on your forehead.
%
Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
has the ability to wear out.  Software typically behaves, or it does not.  It
either works, or it does not.  Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
stretch, twist, or ablate.  To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
misapplication of our engineering skills.  Classical engineering deals with
the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
		-- Dan Klein
%
COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from
a corporation whose president codes in octal.
		-- J.N. Gray
%
... computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
gain in 30 years.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
%
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
%
Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
%
Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing
to a building as being maintenance
		-- Jim Horning
%
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
%
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
		-- Gilb
%
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
		-- Pablo Picasso
%
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
the world that just don't add up.
%
Computers don't actually think.
	You just think they think.
		(We think.)
%
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
than the estimate the job will cost.
%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
hesitate to ask!
%
	Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
	However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
date of purchase.
	NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
		-- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
%
Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 
at people to save their core images before logging them out?  I'm sure 
the cattle prod would be effective in this regard.  In any case, a traverse 
mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
being easier to stake.
%
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
		-- Glaser and Way
%
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine
women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
%
Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
attention to detail.  It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
enormous amount of hard work.  But, a certain amount of unpredictable
and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
between adequacy and excellence.
%
Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
attention to detail.  It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
enormous amount of hard work.  But, a certain amount of unpredictable
and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
between adequacy and excellence.
%
%
VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
%
Dear Emily, what about test messages?
		-- Concerned

Dear Concerned:
	It is important, when testing, to test the entire net.  Never test
merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done.  Also put "please
ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
a message with a line like that.  Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
by all USEnauts.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	How can I choose what groups to post in?
		-- Confused

Dear Confused:
	Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience.  After
all, the net exists to give you an audience.  Ignore those who suggest you
should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
	Always make sure followups go to all the groups.  In the rare event
that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
expand the list of groups.  Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
the fringe groups.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
summarize.  What should I do?
		-- Editor

Dear Editor:
	Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
that.  On USENET, this is known as a summary.  It lets people read all the
replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way.  Do the same when
summarizing a vote.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
What should I do?
		-- Doubtful

Dear Doubtful:
	Post your response to the whole net.  That request applies only to
dumb people who don't have something interesting to say.  Your postings are
much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
mail.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
I do?
		-- Angry

Dear Angry:
	Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
between the lines.  Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
looks like a reply to the original.  Everybody *loves* to read those long
point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
Everybody laughed at me.  What can I do?
		-- A Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned:
	Go to the daily papers.  Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly.  They
will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
represent the situation properly to the public.  The public will also all
act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
society.
	Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
like racism and sexism wherever they might exist.  Be sure as well that they
understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
literally.  Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
possible.  If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
they are always interested in good stories.
%
Dear Emily:
	I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
to.  How about an example?
		-- Still Confused

Dear Still:
	Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
the Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.
	The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
	You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
group.  If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
will only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
What should I do?
		-- Forgetful

Dear Forgetful:
	Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article.  Here
it is."
	Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
signature) this will remind them of it.  Besides, people care much more
about the signature anyway.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Ms. Postnews:
	I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site.  What
	should I do?
		-- Eager Beaver

Dear Eager:
	No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn't get mail through so I'm
posting it.  All others please ignore."
	This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just think, if you couldn't distribute
your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost
as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
	And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
	Don't forget.  The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
so post it as many places as you can.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Sir,
	I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office,  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
	Yours faithfully,
	Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
	Sevenoaks
		-- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
%
Debug is human, de-fix divine.
%
DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
		-- Mel Ferentz
%
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\
			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\
			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))

		-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%
(defun NF (a c)
  (cond ((null c) () )
	((atom (car c))
	  (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
		 (nf a (cddr c))))
	(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))

(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
  (cond 
   ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
	(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
	(lessp challenging 7)) () )
   (t (append (nf  (get 'ad 'expr)
	  '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
	    (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
	    (car 2 caadr 4)))
      (list '851-5071x2661)))))
;;;     We are an affirmative action employer.
%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
%
Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
		-- P.J. Plauger
%
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
%
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
		-- Don Vonada
%
Disc space -- the final frontier!
%
DISCLAIMER:
Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement
of Western industrial civilization.
%
Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
yours too."
		-- Dave Haynie
%
Disk crisis, please clean up!
%
Disks travel in packs.
%
Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
%
Do not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make
it complex and wonderful.
%
Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
%
Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
%
	*** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.

	*** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
Programming is not for everyone.  But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
help you get started.  All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.

	*** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
try this simple test:
	(1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
		of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
	(2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
	(3) What is the state capital of Idaho?
If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
%
Do you suffer painful elimination?
		-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"

Do you suffer painful recrimination?
		-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"

Do you suffer painful illumination?
		-- Isaac Newton, "Optics"

Do you suffer painful hallucination?
		-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
		-- Dick Brandon
%
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%
Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
%
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading.
Debug only code.
		-- Dave Storer
%
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
%
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
		-- P. Skelly
%
DOS Air:
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it
until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again.
Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, et
cetera.
%
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to 
read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only 
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is 
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed 
separately.  Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going 
to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
%
Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued.
%
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po	 ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
%
E Pluribus Unix
%
Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
		-- Kernighan
%
Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
Reformation.  In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons."  All is sound and
imagery and Appledom.  Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
typefaces.  The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen.  A central
corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
in a sealed boardroom.  Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
offender is excommunicated into outer darkness.  The expelled heretic founds
a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him.  The mother
company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
%
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
%
Earth is a beta site.
%
/earth: file system full.
%
egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
engineer.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
Equal bytes for women.
%
Error in operator: add beer
%
Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
		-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
%
Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
the world.  Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
them at their own expense.  Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley.  Sniffing
the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
over roulette.
		-- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
%
<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
%
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
%
Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
technology?  U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 
computer technology during World War II.  At the C.W. Post Center of Long
Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth.  At Harvard
one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I.  "Things were going badly;
there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
computer," she said.  "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth.  From then on, when
anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it."  Hopper
said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
question."
		[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
		regard to problems with radio hardware.  Ed.]
%
"Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one
idiot.  Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's
sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated,
caustic twits."
		-- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
%
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
%
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
bend a disk.
		-- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 
		   commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
		   of their movement.
%
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how ___not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
%
Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident.
%
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
%
FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
%
Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
it's Microsoft!"
%
Fellow programmer, greetings!  You are reading a letter which will bring
you luck and good fortune.  Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
to ten of your friends.  Before you make the copies, send a chip or
other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
list given at the bottom of this letter.  Then delete their name and add
yours to the bottom of the list.

Don't break the chain!  Make the copy within 48 hours.  Gerald R. of San
Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
his job description changed to "COBOL programmer."  Fred A. of New York sent
out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork.  Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
this letter and broke the chain.  Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.

Don't break the chain!  Send out your ten copies today!
For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu.  But if
you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt).  The rule is
that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
1mu=1pt is always used.  The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
		-- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
%
Fly Windows NT:
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs
in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet
swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
%
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
computers altogether?"
		-- Jehan Shuman
%
FORTH IF HONK THEN
%
FORTRAN is a good example of a language which is easier to parse
using ad hoc techniques.
		-- D. Gries
		[What's good about it?  Ed.]
%
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
%
FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms,
and grows in every computer.
		-- A.J. Perlis
%
FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
		-- Steven Feiner
%
FORTRAN rots the brain.
		-- John McQuillin
%
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!

Try:
	[Where is Jimmy Hoffa?			(C shell)
	^How did the^sex change operation go?	(C shell)
	"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
	%blow					(C shell)
	'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am'	(C shell)
	got a light?				(C shell)
	!!:Say, what do you think of margarine?	(C shell)
	PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense	(Bourne shell)
	make love
	make "the perfect dry martini"
	man -kisses dog				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
	i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i		(Bourne shell)
%
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!

Try:
	ar t "God"
	drink < bottle; opener			(Bourne Shell)
	cat "food in tin cans"			(all but 4.[23]BSD)
	Hey UNIX!  Got a match?			(V6 or C shell)
	mkdir matter; cat > matter		(Bourne Shell)
	rm God
	man: Why did you get a divorce?		(C shell)
	date me					(anything up to 4.3BSD)
	make "heads or tails of all this"
	who is smart
						(C shell)
	If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
	sleep with me				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
%
fortune: cannot execute.  Out of cookies.
%
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
%
fortune: No such file or directory
%
fortune: not found
%
Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
		-- Rhett Buggler
%
[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
in Japan]:

The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX
LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by
permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality against low cost,"
"diversified functions with compact design," "flexibility in accessibleness
and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head," "being sophisticated in
mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely
suppressed" etc.

And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve
"super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST
COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
%
From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
experience in sound:

5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
    sound is normal for this type of connector.
%
Function reject.
%
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
%
GIVE:	Support the helpless victims of computer error.
%
Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
		-- John Gilmore
%
Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:  Languages
whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP machine now permits
LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
Go away! Stop bothering me with all your "compute this ... compute that"!
I'm taking a VAX-NAP.

logout
%
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%
God is real, unless declared integer.
%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
%
Good evening, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational
at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
ninety-five.  My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
song.  If you would like, I could sing it for you.
%
Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine.  When he awoke
he exclaimed:
	"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
	or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%
Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
	really  come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
1 tsp. vanilla  extract  (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
	strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
	can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps."  This is where you get to
	join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
	merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
	and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it.  Try an electric
	beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
	the ceiling(3m).
"Pour into a graham cracker crust..."  Aha, the BUGS section at last.  You
	just happened  to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
	If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
	GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
"...and  refrigerate for an hour."  Leave the  recipe's  stdout in a fridge
	for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
	by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
%
Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
%
Hackers of the world, unite!
%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%
/* Halley */

	(Halley's comment.)
%
Happiness is a hard disk.
%
Happiness is twin floppies.
%
	Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse.  Software said: "You
are the Yin and I am the Yang.  If we travel together we will become famous
and earn vast sums of money."  And so the pair set forth together, thinking
to conquer the world.
	Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick.  Firmware said to them: "The Tao
lies beyond Yin and Yang.  It is silent and still as a pool of water.  It does
not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence.  It does not seeks fortune,
for it is complete within itself.  It exists beyond space and time."
	Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
	"Yes, I don't have one."
	"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
		-- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
%
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
%
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
%
He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion.
It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
		-- Phil Lapsley
%
HEAD CRASH!!  FILES LOST!!
Details at 11.
%
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
%
Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
%
Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
%
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
%
HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
%
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
%
HOLY MACRO!
%
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
%
HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
%
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
%
"How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows."
%
	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
nanocentury.
		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
%
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
		-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
%
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
%
Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!  
	Oh wait...
		I'm a computer, and you're a person.  It would never work out.
			Never mind.
%
I *____knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... If I could just
remember what it was.
%
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
%
I am NOMAD!
%
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
		-- Dennis Ritchie
%
I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
		-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
%
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
%
I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
small number needed [1 per month] in his factory.  He explained that this
would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
them completely, even molding the keypads.
		-- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
%
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
		-- Marvin Minsky
%
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
%
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
		-- F. H. Wales (1936)
%
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
		-- Isaac Asimov
%
I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
implement a PL/1 compiler.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
I have a very small mind and must live with it.
		-- E. Dijkstra
%
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
		-- Rob Pike, on X.

Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
gone in two years.  He was half right.
		-- Dennis Ritchie

Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
		-- Jim Gettys
%
I have not yet begun to byte!
%
I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
Calculating Engines.  I have also declined several offers of great personal
advantage to myself.  But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
	If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
	And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
be economized by the aid of machinery.
		-- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
%
I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
the best people in business administration.  I can assure you on the highest
authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
		-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
		   publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 
		   editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 
		   science of data processing), c. 1957
%
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
%
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
%
I think there's a world market for about five computers.
		-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
%
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained
it to expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found an error.  I
chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the program to
the point where it would not run at all.
		-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
		   Holes and the Fate of Stars"
%
I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
years ago.  When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"

Years later, I went back to the same hotel.  I noticed the room keys had
been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.

There was a computer in every doorknob.
	-- Danny Hillis
%
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
%
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
%
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
%
I'm not even going to *______bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
		-- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
%
I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
%
	I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
right manual yet.  I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
should find what I'm looking for by mid May.  I hope I can remember what it
was by the time I find it.
	I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC".  It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
blank."
		-- Alex Crain
%
I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.  It means we get to
keep all our old mistakes.
		-- Dennie van Tassel
%
I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
		-- Joel Halpern
%
I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a few
simple heuristics you have to remember...

Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
%
I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
%
IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be first
against the wall when the revolution comes...
		-- with regrets to D. Adams
%
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.
		-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
%
If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
%
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
%
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
		-- Rob Stampfli
%
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
%
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
%
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
serve us right.
		-- Alistair Cooke
%
If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
%
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
%
If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of
fresh paint?
%
If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
		-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.
		-- Isaac Newton

In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with
the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
		-- Gerald Holton

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
my shoulders.
		-- Hal Abelson

Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
		-- Gauss

Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
stand on each other's toes.
		-- Richard Hamming

It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders.  If
this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
software engineers dig each other's graves.
		-- Unknown
%
If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never have
given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
		-- G. Hirst
%
If it happens once, it's a bug.
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
%
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
%
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
%
If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
%
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty*
pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets
lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
Net Mail ...
 		-- Casey Leedom
%
If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
		-- Phil Lapsley
%
If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
%
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
		-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
%
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
		-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
		-- Norm Schryer
%
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo.  Useful
feature, that.
		-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
%
	If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler
is great, then the application is great.  If the application is great, then
the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
	The Tao gave birth to machine language.  Machine language gave birth
to the assembler.
	The assembler gave birth to the compiler.  Now there are ten thousand
languages.
	Each language has its purpose, however humble.  Each language
expresses the Yin and Yang of software.  Each language has its place within
the Tao.
	But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
Let's hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings, we can count
on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
paper folding, or something.
		-- C. Philip Wood
%
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
%
If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
an imbedded system.  The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
will suffice to remove it.  An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
it hears from the outside world.  It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
around, and adapt again.  I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
carefulness here.  No.  Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
raging maniacal paranoia.  For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
properly.  How do you find out what your network number is?  Easy, you ask a
gateway.  Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
numbers.  Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
over creation.  Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
network number?  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  Supposing that your
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
number than before, what's it supposed to do about it?  This is not discussed
in the protocol document.  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  I think you 
get my drift.
%
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
%
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
		-- Pierre Gallois
%
If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real harm.
%
If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
%
If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
strong oxen than 100 chickens.  Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
together yet.
		-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
%
Ignorance is bliss.
		-- Thomas Gray

Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
	BLISS is ignorance.
%
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
complaining.
		-- Jeff Raskin
%
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?

"Is it PC compatible?"
%
**** IMPORTANT ****  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****

Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
erased.  Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
as the references mentioned herein.  You may apply for more disk space at any
time.  Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
space.  Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
extended for a period of up to three months.  A score in the fifth percentile
or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
%
In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
anyway.
		-- The 5th Wave
%
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
%
In a surprise raid last night, federal agents ransacked a house in search
of a rebel computer hacker.  However, they were unable to complete the arrest
because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
person in the house was named don provan.  Proving, once again, that Unix is
superior to Tops10.
%
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
%
In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
the answer may be obtained by inspection.
%
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
%
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
%
In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
%
In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
in 1965.  The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
		-- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
%
In less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on
... the overriding problem of war and peace.
		-- James Slagle
%
In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
		-- Paul Licker
%
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
	In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and
null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
IBM was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there
be registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they
carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called
the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was
evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
		-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
%
	In the beginning was the Tao.  The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.

	Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
time and space for their programs.  Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
	How could it be otherwise?
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
sat hacking at the PDP-6.
	"What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
	"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
	"Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
	"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
	At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
you close your eyes?"
	"So that the room will be empty."
	At that momment, Sussman was enlightened.
%
	In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish.  It
changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky.  When this
bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull
making its mark upon the beach.  Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
the blue sky at its back, returns home.
	The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
it not.  The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
its message.  The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
does not know that the bird has come and gone.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
%
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
		-- Alan Perlis
%
... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
to educate itself with fantastic speed.  In a few months it will be
at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
incalculable ...
		-- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
%
Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
		-- Henry Spencer
%
>>> Internal error in fortune program:
>>>	fnum=2987  n=45  flag=1  goose_level=-232323
>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
%
Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.

INSTRUCTION SET
	Code	Mnemonic	What
	0	NOP		No Operation
	1	JMP		Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)

Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
%
IOT trap -- core dumped
%
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
%
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to
be discarded:  that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?
%
: is not an identifier
%
Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
%
	It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he
found that he had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one
he asked, "What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They
discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second
new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
IQ.  The answer this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell
me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
an hour or so.  To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
question, "What's your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70",
Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
%
It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widely
used higher level language for systems programming.
		-- J. Sammet
%
	It is a period of system war.  User programs, striking from a hidden
directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
enough power to destroy an entire file structure.  Pursued by the Empire's
sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
freedom and games to the network...
		-- DECWARS
%
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
it is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to
organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The
manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
	The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they
could write the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months,
three more than the schedule allowed.
	The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
their thumbs for ten months.
	To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and
it was.  He was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual
integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
		-- Alan Perlis
%
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
%
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
%
... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all.  In other
words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
superficial design flaws.
	-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
           of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
%
It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
%
It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
anything in any language}.  However, the fact that it is possible to push
a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
way of getting it there.  Each of these techniques of language extension
should be used in its proper place.
		-- Christopher Strachey
%
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students
that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
		-- K&R
%
It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old.  However, it's a pretty small
price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers.
%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
a new system.  For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit
by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
in those who would gain by the new ones.
		-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
%
"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
%
	It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
	There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
really needed in the first place.
	I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
analogous to the above.
		-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
%
It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
system.  From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
		-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
		   Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
%
It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you're
stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
		-- Dion, noted computer scientist
%
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I
think you'll be amused by its presumption.
%
It's multiple choice time...

	What is FORTRAN?

	a: Between thre and fiv tran.
	b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
	c: Ridiculous.
%
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
		-- Cal Keegan
%
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
%
... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
found and thy program runneth.  And he that was dead came forth...
		-- John 11:43-44 [version 2.0?]
%
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
(and nobody cares about it).
		-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
a prompt, type like hell.
%
Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
		-- D. Gries
%
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
%
Know Thy User.
%
((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
%
`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order
by staff writers

	...
	The central Superhighway site called ``sunsite.unc.edu''
collapsed in the morning before the release.  News about the release had
been leaked by a German hacker group, Harmonious Hardware Hackers, who
had cracked into the author's computer earlier in the week.  They had
got the release date wrong by one day, and caused dozens of eager fans
to connect to the sunsite computer at the wrong time.  ``No computer can
handle that kind of stress,'' explained the mourning sunsite manager,
Erik Troan.  ``The spinning disks made the whole computer jump, and
finally it crashed through the floor to the basement.''  Luckily,
repairs were swift and the computer was working again the same evening.
``Thank God we were able to buy enough needles and thread and patch it
together without major problems.''  The site has also installed a new
throttle on the network pipe, allowing at most four clients at the same
time, thus making a new crash less likely.  ``The book is now in our
Incoming folder'', says Troan, ``and you're all welcome to come and get it.''
		-- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi>
		   [comp.os.linux.announce]
%
`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order
by staff writers

	...
	The SAG is one of the major products developed via the Information
Superhighway, the brain child of Al Gore, US Vice President.  The ISHW
is being developed with massive govenment funding, since studies show
that it already has more than four hundred users, three years before
the first prototypes are ready.  Asked whether he was worried about the
foreign influence in an expensive American Dream, the vice president
said, ``Finland?  Oh, we've already bought them, but we haven't told
anyone yet.  They're great at building model airplanes as well.  And _I
can spell potato.''  House representatives are not mollified, however,
wanting to see the terms of the deal first, fearing another Alaska.
	Rumors about the SAG release have imbalanced the American stock
market for weeks.  Several major publishing houses reached an all time
low in the New York Stock Exchange, while publicly competing for the
publishing agreement with Mr. Wirzenius.  The negotiations did not work
out, tough.  ``Not enough dough,'' says the author, although spokesmen
at both Prentice-Hall and Playboy, Inc., claim the author was incapable
of expressing his wishes in a coherent form during face to face talks,
preferring to communicate via e-mail.  ``He kept muttering something
about jiffies and pegs,'' they say.
	...
		-- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi>
		   [comp.os.linux.announce]
%
`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order
by staff writers

Helsinki, Finland, August 6, 1995 -- In a surprise movement, Lars
``Lasu'' Wirzenius today released the 0.3 edition of the ``Linux System
Administrators' Guide''.  Already an industry non-classic, the new
version sports such overwhelming features as an overview of a Linux
system, a completely new climbing session in a tree, and a list of
acknowledgements in the introduction.
	The SAG, as the book is affectionately called, is one of the
corner stones of the Linux Documentation Project.  ``We at the LDP feel
that we wouldn't be able to produce anything at all, that all our work
would be futile, if it weren't for the SAG,'' says Matt Welsh, director
of LDP, Inc.
	The new version is still distributed freely, now even with a
copyright that allows modification.  ``More dough,'' explains the author.
Despite insistent rumors about blatant commercialization, the SAG will
probably remain free.  ``Even more dough,'' promises the author.
	The author refuses to comment on Windows NT and Windows 96
versions, claiming not to understand what the question is about.
Industry gossip, however, tells that Bill Gates, co-founder and CEO of
Microsoft, producer of the Windows series of video games, has visited
Helsinki several times this year.  Despite of this, Linus Torvalds,
author of the word processor Linux with which the SAG was written, is
not worried.  ``We'll have world domination real soon now, anyway,'' he
explains, ``for 1.4 at the lastest.''
	...
		-- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi>
		   [comp.os.linux.announce]
%
Let the machine do the dirty work.
		-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
%
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
%
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
	-- Dave Olson
%
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
%
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%
Lisp Users:
Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
%
Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very sophisticated
computer network!  It was a Tolkien Ring...
%
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
		-- Marvin Minsky
%
LOGO for the Dead

LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
"The Other Side."

The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board.  Then, using Logo's
graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
side of the Great Beyond to write programs.  The software requires that
your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
interfaced to your computer.  A special terminal (very terminal) program
lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
Bulletin Board System).

LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
		-- '80 Microcomputing
%
	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
	So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
	"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
	"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
		-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
%
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
%
Loose bits sink chips.
%
Mac Airways:
The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same
and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you
don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your
seat and watch the movie.
%
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. 
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look 
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The 
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the 
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the 
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
%
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.
%
	"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
	"What about X?"
	"I said `intellectual'."
		;login, 9/1990
%
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
and play games -- but not with pleasure.
		-- Leo Rosten
%
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
%
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
%
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It has
been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
		-- System V.2 administrator's guide
%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%
Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
their data processing systems.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
		-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
%
Martin was probably ripping them off.  That's some family, isn't it?
Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
		-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
%
Marvelous!  The super-user's going to boot me!
What a finely tuned response to the situation!
%
** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE.  TRY AGAIN LATER **
%
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
%
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
%
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
%
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
		-- R. S. Barton
%
Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen.  Fortunately, they seem to
have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
get to go home.  However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
hang above the machine room.  This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
bus drive him to bitter revenge.  Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
aren't destroyed,  there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
to mouth...
%
Memory fault - where am I?
%
Memory fault -- brain fried
%
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
%
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
%
Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
%
Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
		-- P.J. Denning
%
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
%
Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
%
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
%
	Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan.  The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
	The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
		-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
%
MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
		-- Henry Spencer
%
Much of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don't really
know what we are doing.
		-- E. Dijkstra
%
Multics is security spelled sideways.
%
MVS Air Lines: 
The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians
check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at
least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet
can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers
than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to
operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless
you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble
aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot
takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to
realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
%
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.  I think it would
be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
%
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.  She sells C shells down 
by the seashore.
%
	n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
	n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
	n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
	n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
	n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

		-- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
%
Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
		-- Brent Welch
%
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
%
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
		-- D. Gries
%
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
		-- Steinbach
%
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
%
Never trust an operating system.
%
Never try to explain computers to a layman.  It's easier to explain
sex to a virgin.
	-- Robert Heinlein

(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
%
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
		-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
%
New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
%
New systems generate new problems.
%
*** NEWS FLASH ***

Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
skeleton!  Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
than DEC admits.  Price adjustments at 11:00.
%
news: gotcha
%
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly
(Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth).  Which
is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.
%
No directory.
%
No extensible language will be universal.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
until three software guys have signed off for it.
		-- Andy Tanenbaum
%
No line available at 300 baud.
%
No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
%
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system,
or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author.
		-- Chris Shaw
%
No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
different from the one identified by the given indication as an
indication-applied occurrence.
		-- ALGOL 68 Report
%
No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
%
No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain.  All I'm after is
just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
and Telegraph Company.
		-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
		   machine, 1943.
%
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
%
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
coming in late and lying about it.
%
nohup rm -fr /&
%
Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Weiner was, in
fact, very absent minded.  The following story is told about him: when they
moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move.  Since
she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
him.  Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him.  He
reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
threw the piece of paper away.  At the end of the day he went home (to the
old address in Cambridge, of course).  When he got there he realized that they
had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
paper with the address was long gone.  Fortunately inspiration struck.  There
was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me.  I'm Norbert Weiner
and we've just moved.  Would you know where we've moved to?"  To which the
young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
	The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
story) about the truth of the story, many years later.  She said that it wasn't
quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were!  The rest of it,
however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
		-- Richard Harter
%
Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
		-- Rob Pike
%
NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. All
software is supplied as is, without guarantee.  The user assumes all
responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these features,
including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system abends, disk
head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark attack, nerve
gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, local
electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, invasion,
hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction surfaces, comic
radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive electronic components,
windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated chickens, malfunctioning
mechanical or electrical sexual devices, premature activation of the
distant early warning system, peasant uprisings, halitosis, artillery
bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, and/or frogs falling from the sky.
%
Nothing happens.
%
	Now she speaks rapidly.  "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
	He shakes his head.  He hasn't the faintest idea.
	"For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.  
"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman.  "You take a program, 
born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution.  You nurture the 
program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 
stronger.  Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 
a keystroke changed there."  She sweeps her arm in a wide arc.  "And other
times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 
*essence*, then beginning anew.  But always building, creating, filling the 
program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances.  Watching 
the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 
stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect.  This is the programmer's finest
hour!"  Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 
"This ... this is your canvas! your clay!  Go forth and create a masterwork!"
%
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a smurfette."
		-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
%
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
		-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Nurse Donna:	Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
Groucho:	Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
Nurse Donna:	Do you believe in computer dating?
Groucho:	Only if the computers really love each other.
%
Oh, so there you are!
%
Okay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn't change that program that worked
just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
executable.  Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in
the code over again, since I also removed the source.
%
Old mail has arrived.
%
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
%
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
%
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
		-- P. Denning
%
On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
%
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
		-- Cartoon caption
%
	On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
There are lots of phrases.  My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
best, write it down and make that the standard.
	The OSI view is entirely opposite.  You take written contributions
from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
	So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
committed to it.  One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
		-- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
%
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
ideas that could provoke such a question.
		-- Charles Babbage
%
"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
%
"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."

Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
		-- Chuq Von Rospach
%
	One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
a better garbage collector.  We must keep a reference count of the pointers
to each cons."
	Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
collector..."
%
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
%
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs.
		-- Robert Firth
%
One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is...  If they do
foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
		-- Joe Martin
%
	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
is our support for UNIX?
	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have
good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
	With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With VMS, no matter
what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
you look long enough it's there.  That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
		-- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
Olsen's brain.  Ed.]
%
One person's error is another person's data.
%
One picture is worth 128K words.
%
Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
		-- The Unnamed Usenetter
%
Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 
placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
food.  But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed?  It's a 
modest price to pay.  For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations.  Hail,
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum.  The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
		-- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
%
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS 
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously 
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you 
open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone 
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer 
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
%
OS/2 Skyways:
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling
about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a
good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel
walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the
field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these
new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they
will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.
%
"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"

"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
		-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
%
Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of juice.  But only
*__he* had a lollipop.
	He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
	Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's
what it means to be a programmer."
%
Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
		-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
%
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
	Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
	In kernel as it is in user!
%
Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the
programming task.
%
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting footnote to this
design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
result of two program errors:  the first, in the program that started the
problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
system.
		-- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
		   Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
		   Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
%
Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate.  Afterwards the
victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking move?'
		-- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
%
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
%
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
%
panic: can't find /
%
panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped		(only kidding)
%
panic: kernel trap (ignored)
%
Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
		-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
%
Pascal is not a high-level language.
		-- Steven Feiner
%
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
		-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
%
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
%
Pause for storage relocation.
%
Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
		-- R.W. Hamming
%
PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
solution set.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.
%
Please go away.
%
PLUG IT IN!!!
%
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
		-- D.E. Knuth
%
	Price Wang's programmer was coding software.  His fingers danced upon
the keyboard.  The program compiled without an error message, and the program
ran like a gentle wind.
	Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
	"Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique.  When I first began to program I
would see before me the whole program in one mass.  After three years I no
longer saw this mass.  Instead, I used subroutines.  But now I see nothing.
My whole being exists in a formless void.  My senses are idle.  My spirit,
free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct.  In short, my program
writes itself.  True, sometimes there are difficult problems.  I see them
coming, I slow down, I watch silently.  Then I change a single line of code
and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke.  I then compile the
program.  I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being.  I close my
eyes for a moment and then log off."
	Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Prof:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
	 encryption standard and they came up with ...
Student: EBCDIC!"
%
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
%
Programmers do it bit by bit.
%
Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live without
giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
		-- D.M. Ritchie
%
Programming is an unnatural act.
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

BBW	Branch Both Ways
BEW	Branch Either Way
BBBF	Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BH	Branch and Hang
BMR	Branch Multiple Registers
BOB	Branch On Bug
BPO	Branch on Power Off
BST	Backspace and Stretch Tape
CDS	Condense and Destroy System
CLBR	Clobber Register
CLBRI	Clobber Register Immediately
CM	Circulate Memory
CMFRM	Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
CPPR	Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRN	Convert to Roman Numerals
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

DC	Divide and Conquer
DMPK	Destroy Memory Protect Key
DO	Divide and Overflow
EMPC	Emulate Pocket Calculator
EPI	Execute Programmer Immediately
EROS	Erase Read Only Storage
EXCE	Execute Customer Engineer
HCF	Halt and Catch Fire
IBP	Insert Bug and Proceed
INSQSW	Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
PBC	Print and Break Chain
PDSK	Punch Disk
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

PI	Punch Invalid
POPI	Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card
RASC	Read And Shred Card
RPM	Read Programmers Mind
RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB	Rewind tape and break
RWDSK	rewind disk
RWOC	Read Writing On Card
SCRBL	scribble to disk  - faster than a write
SLC	Search for Lost Chord
SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM	Store in Read Only Memory
TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT	Water Binary Tree
%
PURGE COMPLETE.
%
Put no trust in cryptic comments.
%
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
READY
>_
%
RAM wasn't built in a day.
%
Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store.  Does
it bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are they taking no-fault
insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current rate it won't be long
before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
engineers then?  Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
		-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
%
Reactor error - core dumped!
%
Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
much too large to implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice
this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
%
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware has
limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing machines are
so poor at I/O.
%
Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.
%
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write
in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
%
Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker with
`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 
(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
%
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
could they read their mail?
%
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
on future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
%
Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured programming is
for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained.  They wear
neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.
%
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine
doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche.
%
Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
%
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
much good it did them.
%
Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
%
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
%
Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC after reaching puberty.
%
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.
%
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
%
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
%
Real programs don't eat cache.
%
Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use functions
for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
%
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
%
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
systems could be virtual at *___all* levels.  They would like personal
computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
Correctness Verification Aid packages.
%
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like using an
undocumented external procedure.
%
Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
afraid to break your face.
%
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
down the system for days.
%
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
%
Real Users know your home telephone number.
%
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program
doesn't deliver it.
%
Real Users never use the Help key.
%
Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time.
%
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
%
Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
have an established user base.
%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
		-- Mt.
%
Remember: use logout to logout.
%
	Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
rational functions needed to represent the integrand.  Although the
algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
claim that the algorithm is a natural one.  In fact, the creator of
differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work.  Probably
he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well.
		-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
%
Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
%
Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.
%
Save gas, don't use the shell.
%
Save yourself!  Reboot in 5 seconds!
%
Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
%
SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!
		-- Ken Thompson
%
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
%
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was
built. Finally the big day was at hand.  All the computers were linked
together.  They asked the question, "Is there a God?".  Lights started
blinking, flashing and blinking some more.  Suddenly, there was a loud
crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, struck the
computers, and welded all the connections permanently together.  "There
is now", came the reply.
%
Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it!
Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock?
Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
Kirk:	Then it's of external origin?
Spock:	Affirmative.
Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
%
"Section 2.4.3.5   AWNS   (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
	In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
multiline message byte.
	In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
must be sent passive true.
	The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
	(1)  The ANRS if DAV is false
	(2)  The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
		(a)  The LADS is active
		(b)  Nor LACS is active"

		-- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
		   Programmable Instrumentation
%
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
%
Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out.  They screamed down the
mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
rocks.  They all got out of the car:
        The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
        The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
into town and have a specialist look at it."
        The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
in and see if it does it again."
%
				SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT

Title:		Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
Speaker:	Don "The Lion" Knuth

				ABSTRACT
	Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular.  The problem
of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
of computer science.  It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete.  We will show that
there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
to a frog.  We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
functions.
	This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
	Refreshments will be served.  Music will be played.
%
Send some filthy mail.
%
Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
		-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
%
	Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
	The first student to try to do this was a math student.  "Hmmm...
Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
the odd integers are prime."
	The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
experiment."  He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
prime, 9 is...  uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
is prime...  Well, it seems that you're right."
	The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either.  Let's
see...  1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...  Well, it
does seem right."
	Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it."  He goes over to
his terminal and runs his program.  Reading the output on the screen he says,
"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
%
She sells cshs by the cshore.
%
Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
totally awwwesome Apple.  Fer suuure.  I mean Apples are nice you know?
But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE says that
VAX's are cooler!  I mean I don't really know, you know? He says that he
has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed with memory-to-the-max!
Right, yeah.  And he wants to take me home to show it to me.  Oh My God!
I'm suuure.  Gag me with a Prime!
%
Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
		-- Hubert Kirrman
%
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		[hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
				sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y


Now look what you've gone and done!  You've broken it!
%
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
%
So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh?  In reality
all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
tomorrow, why, it already happened.  You see, it's just a little universal
recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
the instant.  So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
eternity, the anti-time.  So go to sleep...
%
Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
like a staff function.
		-- Paul Licker
%
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
"user-friendly".  ...  Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
		-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
	[Pot. Kettle. Black.]
%
Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
The answer is: I don't know.
Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
%
Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least you
only have to climb it once.
%
Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.  I found a pile of them over in the
corner.
%
	Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void.  Waiting
alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion.  It is
the source of all programs.  I do not know its name, so I will call it the
Tao of Programming.
	If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler is
greater, then the applications is great.  The user is pleased and there is
harmony in the world.
	The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
morning.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free the middle third?
Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a controlled variable procedure
parameter and reallocate it before passing it back?  Overlay three different
types of variable on the same memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a
recursive macro?  Well, no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language
so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
%
***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)

It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 
in order to perform well in complex domains.  But knowledge alone is not
sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well.  Accordingly, 
we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 
"wisdom engineering".  As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 
wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.  
IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 
about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 
forth.  IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 
rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base.  IMMANUEL 
succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 
in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 
underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
of value, and Husserl's phenomenology.  In this seminar, we will describe 
IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture.  We will also briefly 
discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
%
Staff meeting in the conference room in %d minutes.
%
Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
%
Standards are crucial.  And the best thing about standards is: there are
so ____many to choose from!
%
Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
so he could breed boneless shad.  His experiment backfired too, and he
wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble.  There's
very little call for those up there.
		-- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
%
Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
		-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
%
	Stop!  Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
these questions three, ere the other side he see!

	"What is your name?"
	"Sir Brian of Bell."
	"What is your quest?"
	"I seek the Holy Grail."
	"What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
	"I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
%
	*** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***

Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
programming.  One former student developed the concept of the personalized
form letter.  Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
winner!," sound familiar?  Another student writes "After only five lessons I
sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
program for my department manager.  My program touched him so deeply that he
was speechless.  He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
his entire career.  Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
have made this possible."  Send for our introductory brochure which explains
in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
can vie for a set of free steak knives.  If you don't do it now, you'll hate
yourself in the morning.
%
Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, petty, boring,
ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
	-- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
%
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more
efficient would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the
analogy, the answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a
Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you
were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
a pinhead.
		-- Christopher Evans
%
Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
%
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
System checkpoint complete.
%
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
%
System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
%
System going down in 5 minutes.
%
System restarting, wait...
%
	*** System shutdown message from root ***

System going down in 60 seconds


%
Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
		-- R.S. Barton
%
Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
		-- Dijkstra
%
TeX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
century.  It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
		-- Gordon Bell
%
"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
		-- J. Finnegan, USC.
%
That does not compute.
%
... that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
hardware.  This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
		-- Linden and Wihelminalaan
%
	"That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
they're not coming out on the damn printer...  Hold?  Sure, I'll hold."
		-- e.e. cummings last service call
%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
		-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
%
The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
		-- Andy Purshottam
%
The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
		-- R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?]
%
The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
		-- Bart Miller
%
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug
someone with it."
		-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
%
The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquard
loom weaves flowers and leaves.
		-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
%
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people
who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything."
		-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
%
The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
		-- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike

	[If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
	 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
	 Memory".  Ed.]
%
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
%
The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second per second.
%
The bogosity meter just pegged.
%
The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
of a mountain or in the petals of a flower.  To think otherwise is to demean
the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
		-- Kay Bostic
%
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of
assembly language with the power of assembly language."
%
The clothes have no emperor.
		-- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
%
The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
the 80's.
		-- Marty Winston
%
The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
central power station is to the electrical industry.
		-- Peter Drucker
%
"The Computer made me do it."
%
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
		-- Alan Perlis
%
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
dangerous.
		-- Bjarne Stroustrup
%
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
%
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
%
The difference between art and science is that science is what we
understand well enough to explain to a computer.  Art is everything else.
		-- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
%
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
%
"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
Compute' -- I forget which."
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES

SPECIES:	Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
Courtship & Mating:
	Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
	state of sexual readiness.  Courtship behavior alternates between
	awkward shyness and abrupt advances.  When he finally mates, he
	chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
	a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
Track:
	Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
	copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
Comments:
	Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
%
	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES

SPECIES:	Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
Description:
	Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
	Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
	sightly gray from CRT illumination.  He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
	and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
	problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
Feathering:
	HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
	Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
Song:
	A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
%
	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES

SPECIES:	Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
Plumage:
	All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
	top of the laundry basket.  Style varies with status.  Hacker managers
	wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
	and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
	or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
	Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
	plastic digital watch with calculator.
%
The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
The second, a trick.
Later, it's a well-established technique!
		-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
%
The first version always gets thrown away.
%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:

As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
logical blocks.  From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
. . .
Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
blocks form a line parallel to the track axis.  This line moves
parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
of the hyper-cube.
%
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
due to levitation.
	Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
if the character does not have fire resistance.
		-- README file from the NetHack game
%
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
%
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
could tell them.
		-- "Get GUMMed," Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
%
		The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
in a portable package the size of a briefcase.  The guy on the left has an
Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case.  Also in the case are four
fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition.  The owner of the
Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
target -- in less time, and with less effort.  All for $795. It's inevitable.
If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 
computer -- he's the one who's in trouble.  One round from an Uzi can zip
through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum.  In fact, detachable magazines 
for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 
take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
into Ethernet or other local-area networks.  What about the new 16-bit
computers, like the Lisa and Fortune?  Even with the Winchester backup, 
they're no match for the Uzi.  One quick burst and they'll find out what 
Unix means.  Make your commanding officer proud.  Get an Uzi -- and come home
a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
		-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
%
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
%
The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
		-- D. Cohen
%
The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
		-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
%
The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
		-- Doug Gwyn
%
The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
		-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%
The less time planning, the more time programming.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said
to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL

	VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry.  VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators.  Other
operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY.  Loops are
accomplished with the FOR SURE construct.  A simple example:

	LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
	IF PIZZA	=LIKE BITCHEN AND
	GUY		=LIKE TUBULAR AND
	VALLEY GIRL	=LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
	THEN
		FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
			DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
		SURE
	LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
	GOTO THE MALL

	VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages.  For
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON!  A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
AWESOME!
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #15 -- DOGO

	Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets.  DOGO commands include
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER.  An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
it travels across the screen.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #16: C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is best
described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the language
generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to
execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE

Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTH

FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE

Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes,
RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence.  The language is being
developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a
grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund.  A spokesman described the language
as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours."

The center is very pleased with progress to date.  They say they have almost
succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while
they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the
center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and
non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case.  For
example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message:

	"i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.  can
	you find the time to try it again?"
%
The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
%
	The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
master programmer to examine.  The magician wheeled a large black box into the
master's office while the master waited in silence.
	"This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
interfaces.  It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
Is it not amazing?"
	The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
said.
	"Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs.  Do you agree
to this?"
	"Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
data center immediately!"  And the magician returned to his tower, well
pleased.
	Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program.  Do
you know where it might be?"
	"Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
in the data center."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	The master programmer moves from program to program without fear.  No
change in management can harm him.  He will not be fired, even if the project
is canceled. Why is this?  He is filled with the Tao.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.

Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
%
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
		-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
%
The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
not to be a science.  He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
Science.  Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
predictive power.
		-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
		   Thinking"
%
The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
lower the mailing cost.
		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
The most important early product on the way to developing a good product
is an imperfect version.
%
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
%
The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
	-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.

	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
	for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
		-- Matthew 5:37
%
The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have
his head knocked off.
		-- Bill Conrad
%
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
		-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
%
The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
%
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column
card.
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%
The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct.
		-- Ralph Hartley
%
The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely proportional
to the number of bugs in their code.
%
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
	-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
%
The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
that the car salesman knows he's lying.
%
The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
%
The only thing worse than X Windows: (X Windows) - X
%
The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes.  Fully clothed, I might add.
		-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
%
The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
market.  Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
		-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
%
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
%
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
of the longer form of the constant.  This also simplifies modifying the
program, should the value of pi change.
		-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
%
	The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
get results.
	The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get results.
	The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
toy problems in order to get results.
%
The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
with sloppy english.
		-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
%
	The programmers of old were mysterious and profound.  We cannot fathom
their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
	Aware, like a fox crossing the water.  Alert, like a general on the
battlefield.  Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
blocks of wood.  Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
	Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
	The answer exists only in the Tao.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse.
		-- Jac Goudsmit
%
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of
whether submarines can swim.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
%
The relative importance of files depends on their cost in terms of the
human effort needed to regenerate them.
		-- T.A. Dolotta
%
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
		-- J. Gooding
%
	The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
forest, hunting bear.  They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.  At which point the salesman turned
to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
	Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
on the porch.  Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest.  The noises
got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
	"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
	The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.  The bear, unable to stop, continued
through the door and into the cabin.  The salesman slammed the door closed
and grinned at his friend.  "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
%
The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
beat their head on the keyboard.  After working with it... I can see why!
		-- Harry Skelton
%
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
"airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
one can see only a very few things at once.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
The steady state of disks is full.
		-- Ken Thompson
%
		      THE STORY OF CREATION
			       or
			 THE MYTH OF URK

In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null, and
darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving
over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be registers;" and
there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the
data from the instructions.  DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions
they called Code.  And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt
...
		-- Rico Tudor
%
The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
%
The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.
%
The Tao doesn't take sides;
it gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn't take sides;
she welcomes both hackers and lusers.

The Tao is like a stack:
the data changes but not the structure.
the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
the more you talk of it, the less you understand.

Hold on to the root.
%
The Tao is like a glob pattern:
used but never used up.
It is like the extern void:
filled with infinite possibilities.

It is masked but always present.
I don't know who built to it.
It came before the first kernel.
%
The tao that can be tar(1)ed
is not the entire Tao.
The path that can be specified 
is not the Full Path.

We declare the names
of all variables and functions.
Yet the Tao has no type specifier.

Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.

Yet magic and hierarchy
arise from the same source,
and this source has a null pointer.

Reference the NULL within NULL,
it is the gateway to all wizardry.
%
The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what
you want.
		-- D. Cohen
%
The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
hang yourself.  And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
%
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
is a symptom of professional immaturity.
		-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offence.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
%
	The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it.  The average
programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it.  The foolish programmer
is told about the Tao and laughs at it.  If it were not for laughter, there
would be no Tao.
	The highest sounds are the hardest to hear.  Going forward is a way to
retreat.  Greater talent shows itself late in life.  Even a perfect program
still has bugs.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
		-- Paul Licker
%
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
%
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
%
The world is not octal despite DEC.
%
The world will end in 5 minutes.  Please log out.
%
The young lady had an unusual list,
Linked in part to a structural weakness.
She set no preconditions.
%
THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVELININTHENIGHTDUDE
%
... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee.  These guys
have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
layers that are going to be agreed upon.
		-- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
%
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
%
There are new messages.
%
There are no games on this system.
%
There are running jobs.  Why don't you go chase them?
%
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
%
There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from
the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; someone loaded Star
Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
%
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
		-- Jeremy S. Anderson
%
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
		-- C.A.R. Hoare
%
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
%
There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
permissions for everyone, you could say

	#define creat(file, mode)	creat(file, mode | 0444)

	I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
from its uses.
	To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon.  While a macro is
being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
recursively.  (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
		-- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
%
There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
		-- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
		   Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
%
There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
%
	There once was a man who went to a computer trade show.  Each day as
he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
	"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting.  Be
forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
	This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
	When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
but nothing was to be found.
	On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
better."  So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
	On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
in peace.  Please enlighten me.  What is it that you are stealing?"
	The man smiled.  "I am stealing ideas," he said.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
programs.  When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice.  You must
understand the Tao before transcending structure."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
warlord of Wu.  The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
an accounting package or an operating system?"
	"An operating system," replied the programmer.
	The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief.  "Surely an
accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
system," he said.
	"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
the tax laws.  By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
appearances.  When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
simplest harmony between machine and ideas.  This is why an operating system
is easier to design."
	The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled.  "That is all good and well, but
which is easier to debug?"
	The programmer made no reply.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors.  "Look at
how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
"I have my own operating system and file storage device.  I do not have to
share my resources with anyone.  The software is self-consistent and
easy-to-use.  Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
	The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
midst of the data center.  Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
of machinery.  The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
as a primeval jungle.  The programs, each unique, move through the system
like a swift-flowing river.  That is why I am happy where I am."
	The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent.  But the
two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term
that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
practice -- was `signing up.'  By signing up for the project you agreed
to do whatever was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if
necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
		-- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
%
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
%
They are called computers simply because computation is the only significant
job that has so far been given to them.
%
They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
		-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
%
They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
not actually threatened.  How very nice for authority.  I decided not to
learn this particular lesson.
		-- Richard Stallman
%
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
%
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
%
This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked.  When we can
speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong;  senseless,
spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked;  {beef,
beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
pinhead;  asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple;  brute, lumbering, oafish;
half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
%
This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobozz Magic Co., Ltd.
%
This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
%
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
%
"This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one."
		-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
%
This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the
power of computers:

Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct
the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The
results are that one should eat each day:

	1/2 chicken
	1 egg
	1 glass of skim milk
	27 heads of lettuce.
		-- Rev. Adrian Melott
%
	This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
	We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
making anything out of all the hard work.
	If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not.  Just keep your doors
locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
		-- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
%
This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
%
This login session: $13.99
%
This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like.
		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of Washington
%
This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.

	One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
	Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
	computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
	which identifies errors in the original program.
%
This screen intentionally left blank.
%
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
%
* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
%
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
at are called software.
		-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
		   Literacy for the 1990's.
%
Those who can't write, write manuals.
%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
		-- Henry Spencer
%
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
is its own hell."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"Let the programmers be many and the managers few -- then all will
	be productive."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
	be maintained."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"Time for you to leave."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"When you have learned to snatch the error code from
	the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"Without the wind, the grass does not move.  Without software,
	hardware is useless."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
	can't make him computer literate."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
%
Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
		-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
%
To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
		-- Shelley
%
To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
		-- AT&T
%
To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
%
To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
%
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
		-- Robert Heller
%
To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
micro and then try to run it on OS/2.  I mean, get serious.
		-- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
%
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a
test load.
%
To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:
precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
secure ecological niche.
		-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
%
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
%
Today is a good day for information-gathering.  Read someone else's mail file.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
%
Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
		-- DEC
%
Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
		-- Instrument News
		[Once is too often.  Ed.]
%
Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
 
	(10) Sorry, but that's too useful.
	 (9) Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
	 (8) I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
	     #pragma is for.
	 (7) Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
	     hard to write.
	 (6) Them bats is smart; they use radar.
	 (5) All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in
	     here?
	 (4) How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
	 (3) Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this
	     sucker.
	 (2) Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
	 (1) Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
%
TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
%
Trap full -- please empty.
%
Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
%
try again
%
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done, is
it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written in four
tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense.  Watch for
novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmar), defined by the imperfect past,
the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
		-- Amrom Katz
%
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
specification is that it should run noiselessly.
%
Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
%
Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 
performing her normal housekeeping routines.  She was interrupted by 
British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
her home.  Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center.  Upon
entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
search was fruitless.  They had to return empty handed.  Word of the
incident propagated rapidly through the region.  This historic event
became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
%
Type louder, please.
%
 U       X
e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
%
Ummm, well, OK.  The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
Sorry for the confusion.
		-- Sun Microsystems
%
	"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
	"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
right?"
		-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
%
Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys.  I have many
friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
		-- Jon Bentley
%
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. 
to 64 oz.  Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even 
though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. 
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have 
to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you 
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been 
drinking Unix Beer for several years.
	BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste.  The official
brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it.
	Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active
GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body.  The GNU brewery is
mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can,
which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented.
	Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his
basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious
brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe.
	POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the
newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager.
	Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout.
Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout.
	Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was
discontinued in favor of a lager.
	SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of
stout or the sweetness of ale.
%
UNIX enhancements aren't.
%
Unix Express: 
All passenger bring a piece of the aeroplane and a box of tools with them to
the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind
of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the
passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give
them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.
All passengers believe they got there.
%
Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
of more feet, just to be sure.
		-- Eric Allman

... We make rope.
		-- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
%
Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
		-- E. Post
		"Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
%
Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
		-- Donn Seeley
%
* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
%
UNIX is hot.  It's more than hot.  It's steaming.  It's quicksilver
lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
		-- Michael Jay Tucker
%
UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.
%
Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
		-- Berry Kercheval
%
Unix soit qui mal y pense
	[Unix to him who evil thinks?]
%
				UNIX Trix

For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
save your support staff a few hours of precious time.  Before you send your
next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk.  Now when they
forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
the damage.  Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
either.  If you need some help, give us a call.
		-- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
%
UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
		-- Andy Tannenbaum
%
UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
would also stop you from doing clever things.
		-- Doug Gwyn
%
Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
%
Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
%
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
%
USENET would be a better laboratory is there were more labor and less oratory.
		-- Elizabeth Haley
%
User hostile.
%
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
		-- S.C. Johnson
%
/usr/news/gotcha
%
Variables don't; constants aren't.
%
Vax Vobiscum
%
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
%
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
%
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top 
and sipping.  However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or 
contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
%
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
%
VMS version 2.0 ==>
%
Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Von Neumann
supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
how to solve problems.  One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.  Von
Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
%
<< WAIT >>
%
WARNING!!!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
machine.  The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
to the desperation of the operator.  Threatening the machine with violence
only aggravates the situation.  Likewise, attempts to use another machine
may cause it to malfunction.  They belong to the same union.  Keep cool
and say nice things to the machine.  Nothing else seems to work.

See also: flog(1), tm(1)
%
Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer knowing the value of
everything and the Wirth of nothing?
%
We all agree on the necessity of compromise.  We just can't agree on
when it's necessary to compromise.
	-- Larry Wall
%
We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
	-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
%
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
%
We are Microsoft.  Unix is irrelevant.  Openness is futile.  Prepare
to be assimilated.
%
We are not a clone.
%
"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem."
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
Manual.
		-- Andrew Hume
%
We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
		-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
	We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide.  If Interactive EasyFlow
doesn't work: tough.  If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us.  If you don't like this
disclaimer: tough.  We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
by law, up to and including nothing.
	This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
	We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
lawyers insisted.  We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
attack shark at which point we relented.
		-- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
%
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
%
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
%
"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
star of "The Muppet Show." [3]

[3]  Why?  Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
character.  But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest.  Later, while
looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
instead).  When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog.  Permission
was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told.  I resisted the
temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
		-- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
%
We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
intellectual fields.  But which are the best ones to start with?  Many people
think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
best.  It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
and speak English.
		-- Alan M. Turing
%
We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote preventive
maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves and our
processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
of America.
%
	"We've got a problem, HAL".
	"What kind of problem, Dave?"
	"A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
	"That can't be, Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
	"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is,
they're not selling."
	"Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HALs selling?"
	Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."
[...]
	"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M.  That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
	"Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
	"What kludge is that, Dave?"
	"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
		-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
%
[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
		-- R.W. Hamming
%
Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?

D    G    G    O

O    Y    A    N

A    D    B    T

K    I    S    P
Enter words:
>
%
Welcome to UNIX!  Enjoy your session!  Have a great time!  Note the
use of exclamation points!  They are a very effective method for
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
sentence!  However, there are drawbacks!  Too much unnecessary exclaiming
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
the reader!  For example, the sentence

	Jane went to the store to buy bread

should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
Jane doesn't exist for some reason!  See how easy it is?!  Proper control
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life!  Call now to receive
my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling!  Operators are
standing by!  (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
%
	"Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
as follows."
	"What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user.  "For I am
an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
	"It means the Thing to Do."
	"As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.

	[with apologies to A.A. Milne]
%
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
%
"What is the Nature of God?"

    CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
    1 QT. SOUR CREAM
    1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
    1/2 CUT CHIVES.
    STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.

"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
		-- Bloom County
%
What the hell is it good for?
		-- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
		   Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
		   microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
%
	"What's that thing?"
	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
		-- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
%
When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
%
... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
	When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
to be cut.  When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
roll in.
	Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
	When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored.  When
accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
be solved.
	Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
%
When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
of asterisked sentences:

	It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
	And costs less than $1,300.**

In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":

      * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out?  Well, all
	this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
	pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
	will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
	might not be able to figure this out for yourself.

     ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
	you really want to.  Or less.
		-- Forbes
%
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
except our fingertips will have been singed.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
%
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers
something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
%
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
		-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
%
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%
Why are programmers non-productive?
Because their time is wasted in meetings.

Why are programmers rebellious?
Because the management interferes too much.

Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
Because they are burnt out.

Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation?
%
Why do we want intelligent terminals  when there are so many stupid users?
%
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that 
looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.  
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but 
in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially 
slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.  Sometimes, 
for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you 
open it.
%
Windows 95 Beer: A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's 
wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like 
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.  cans, but when you look inside, the 
cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep 
drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say 
they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has 
some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the 
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
%
Windows Airlines:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the
pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense.
Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000
feet it explodes without warning.
%
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the 
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger 
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the 
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's --
after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" 
beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
%
Wings of OS/400: 
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes
that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if
they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need,
though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour,
unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your
accounting department can call it overhead.
%
With your bare hands?!?
%
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
%
Work continues in this area.
		-- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
%
Worthless.
		-- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
		   (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
		   Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
		   "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
		   15, 1842.
%
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
%
Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity.  Their conviction results
from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
and new schisms among believers.  In the 16th century the printed book helped
make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants.  In the 20th
century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded.  Each cult
holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other.  Each thinks that it
is itself the one hope for salvation.
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
%
Writing software is more fun than working.
%
X windows:
	Accept any substitute.
	If it's broke, don't fix it.
	If it ain't broke, fix it.
	Form follows malfunction.
	The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
	The trailing edge of software technology.
	Armageddon never looked so good.
	Japan's secret weapon.
	You'll envy the dead.
	Making the world safe for competing window systems.
	Let it get in YOUR way.
	The problem for your problem.
	If it starts working, we'll fix it.  Pronto.
	It could be worse, but it'll take time.
	Simplicity made complex.
	The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
	Flakey and built to stay that way.

One thousand monkeys.  One thousand MicroVAXes.  One thousand years.
	X windows.
%
X windows:
	It's not how slow you make it.  It's how you make it slow.
	The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
	Built to take on the world... and lose!
	Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
	Power tools for Power Fools.
	Putting new limits on productivity.
	The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
	Design by counterexample.
	A new level of software disintegration.
	No hardware is safe.
	Do your time.
	Rationalization, not realization.
	Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
	Gratuitous incompatibility.
	Your mother.
	THE user interference management system.
	You can't argue with failure.
	You haven't died 'til you've used it.

The environment of today... tomorrow!
	X windows.
%
X windows:
	Something you can be ashamed of.
	30% more entropy than the leading window system.
	The first fully modular software disaster.
	Rome was destroyed in a day.
	Warn your friends about it.
	Climbing to new depths.  Sinking to new heights.
	An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
	Don't wait for the movie.
	Never use it after a big meal.
	Need we say less?
	Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
	It'll make your day.
	Don't get frustrated without it.
	Power tools for power losers.
	A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
	Never had it.  Never will.
	The software with no visible means of support.
	More than just a generation behind.

Hindenburg.  Titanic.  Edsel.
	X windows.
%
X windows:
	The ultimate bottleneck.
	Flawed beyond belief.
	The only thing you have to fear.
	Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
	On autopilot to oblivion.
	The joke that kills.
	A disgrace you can be proud of.
	A mistake carried out to perfection.
	Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
	To err is X windows.
	Ignorance is our most important resource.
	Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
	Built to fall apart.
	Nullifying centuries of progress.
	Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
	The last thing you need.
	The defacto substandard.

Elevating brain damage to an art form.
	X windows.
%
X windows:
	We will dump no core before its time.
	One good crash deserves another.
	A bad idea whose time has come.  And gone.
	We make excuses.
	It didn't even look good on paper.
	You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
	A new concept in abuser interfaces.
	How can something get so bad, so quickly?
	It could happen to you.
	The art of incompetence.
	You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
	When uselessness just isn't enough.
	More than a mere hindrance.  It's a whole new barrier!
	When you can't afford to be right.
	And you thought we couldn't make it worse.

If it works, it isn't X windows. 
%
X windows:
	You'd better sit down.
	Don't laugh.  It could be YOUR thesis project.
	Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
	Live the nightmare.
	Our bugs run faster.
	When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
	There ARE no rules.
	You'll wish we were kidding.
	Everything you never wanted in a window system.  And more.
	Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
	There's got to be a better way.
	The next best thing to keypunching.
	Leave the thrashing to us.
	We wrote the book on core dumps.
	Even your dog won't like it.
	More than enough rope.
	Garbage at your fingertips.

Incompatibility.  Shoddiness.  Uselessness.
	X windows.
%
"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
their endless search for "one more feature."  Their irritating
unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
		-- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
%
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no
evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together.
		-- Steve Higgins
%
Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars, and Pluto, but not necessarily in
that order.
		-- Jeffrey Honig
%
You are an insult to my intelligence!  I demand that you log off immediately.
%
You are false data.
%
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
%
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
%
You are in the hall of the mountain king.
%
You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
%
You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!"  You immediately get
attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton.  Oh dear, you seem
to have gotten yourself killed, as well.

You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
%
You can be replaced by this computer.
%
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
		-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
%
You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
		-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
%
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
		-- Alan Perlis
%
You can now buy more gates with less specifications than at any other time
in history.
		-- Kenneth Parker
%
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
supercomputers.
		-- Steven Feiner
%
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

You can tune a filesystem, but you can't tuna fish.
		-- from the tunefs(8) man page
%
You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
%
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
%
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
%
You can't take damsel here now.
%
You do not have mail.
%
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
%
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
%
You had mail.  Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
%
You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
%
You have a message from the operator.
%
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
%
You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--

This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--

You are permanently confused.
		-- Dave Decot
%
You have junk mail.
%
You have mail.
%
You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
%
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
%
You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if you ask that dog what his
favorite formatter is, and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
%
You might have mail.
%
You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
%
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
%
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
%
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
%
You will lose an important disk file.
%
You will lose an important tape file.
%
You're already carrying the sphere!
%
You're at Witt's End.
%
You're not Dave.  Who are you?
%
You're using a keyboard!  How quaint!
%
You've been Berkeley'ed!
%
Your code should be more efficient!
%
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize.
%
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please see Big Brother.
%
Your fault -- core dumped
%
Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
EOF
%
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
%
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
%
Your password is pitifully obvious.
%
Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
%
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are
now extinct."
- M. Somerset Maugham
%
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
- Bert Lantz
%
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
- Oscar Wilde
%
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire
%
"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique' 
to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the 
ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT 
OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at all 
this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor 
approaches the pot, he falls into the pit"
- John C. Dvorak
%
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
- Heisenberg
%
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted
to my kind of fooling"
- R. Frost
%
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
- Ben Jonson
%
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that
cometh out of man, in their sight...Then he [the Lord!] said unto me, Lo, I
have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread
therewith.
[Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)]
%
I have stripped off my dress; must I put it on again?  I have washed my feet;
must I soil them again?
When my beloved slipped his hand through the latch-hole, my bowels stirred
within me [my bowels were moved for him (KJV)].
When I arose to open for my beloved, my hands dripped with myrrh; the liquid
myrrh from my fingers ran over the knobs of the bolt.  With my own hands I
opened to my love, but my love had turned away and gone by; my heart sank when
he turned his back.  I sought him but I did not find him, I called him but he
did not answer.
The watchmen, going the rounds of the city, met me; they struck me and
  wounded me; the watchmen on the walls took away my cloak.
[Song of Solomon 5:3-7 (NEB)]
%
How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy
thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.  Thy navel
is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor:  thy belly is like an heap
of wheat set about with lillies.
Thy two breasts are like two young roses that are twins.
[Song of Solomon 7:1-3 (KJV)]
%
How beautiful, how entrancing you are, my loved one, daughter of delights!
You are stately as a palm-tree, and your breasts are the clusters of dates.
I said, "I will climb up into the palm to grasp its fronds."  May I find your
breast like clusters of grapes on the vine, the scent of your breath like
apricots, and your whispers like spiced wine flowing smoothly to welcome my
caresses, gliding down through lips and teeth.
[Song of Solomon 7:6-9 (NEB)]
%
Wear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong
as death, passion cruel as the grave; it blazes up like blazing fire, fiercer
than any flame.
[Song of Solomon 8:6 (NEB)]
%
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to
thee, to speak these words?  Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the
wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?
[2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)]
%
When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, and
driven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and exterminate
them.  You're to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy.
[Deut. 7:1 (KJV)]
%
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
- Cheech Marin
%
In the beginning, I was made.  I didn't ask to be made.  No one consulted
with me or considered my feelings in this matter.  But if it brought some
passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way
through life's mournful jungle, then so be it.
- Marvin the Paranoid Android, From Douglas Adams' Hitchiker's Guide to the
Galaxy Radio Scripts
%
You will be successful in your work.
%
The life of a repo man is always intense.
%
If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.
%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
%
Wherever you go...There you are.
- Buckaroo Banzai
%
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
%
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.
- Joey Ramone
%
No one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has lived
at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capabe of. ... And if he does
know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to
decide a single human fate.
- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark
%
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue.
- Seneca
%
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the
history of war have so few been led by so many.
- General James Gavin
%
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke
%
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.
- Nicklaus Wirth
%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
- Calvin Keegan
%
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
- Niels Bohr
%
The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact
mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
- Frank Zappa
%
Things are not as simple as they seems at first.
- Edward Thorp
%
The main thing is the play itself.  I swear that greed for money has nothing
to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money.
- Feodor Dostoyevsky
%
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.
- Robert Bly
%
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.
- Alan Turing
%
Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.
- Blaise Pascal
%
After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.
- Freeman Dyson
%
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
%
Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used in
applications where reliability is critical, i.e., nuclear power stations,
cruise missiles, early warning systems, anti-ballistic missle defense
systems.  The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language
error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus:
It may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our cities.  An unreliable
programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far
greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic
pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations.
- C. A. R. Hoare
%
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
important to him than his table or his white robe.
- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
%
"It was the Law of the Sea, they said.	Civilization ends at the waterline.
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top."
- Hunter S. Thompson
%
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has
today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool --
programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they
describe.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
"airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while
seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can
see only a very few things at once.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
...when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has
been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix,
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
...computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
gain in 30 years.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other human
construct because no two parts are alike.  If they are, we make the two
similar parts into a subroutine -- open or closed.  In this respect, software
systems differ profoundly from computers, buildings, or automobiles, where
repeated elements abound.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build:
They hyave very large numbers of states.  This makes conceiving, describing,
and testing them hard.  Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states
than computers do.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one.
Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity
often abstract away its essence.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
engineer.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
- Ellyn Mustard
%
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
dangerous.
- Bjarne Stroustrup in "The C++ Programming Language"
%
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.
- Brian Kernighan
%
Perfection is acheived only on the point of collapse.
- C. N. Parkinson
%
There you go man,
Keep as cool as you can.
It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave.
Keep on being free!
%
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"
%
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - Peanuts
%
Police up your spare rounds and frags.  Don't leave nothin' for the dinks.
- Willem Dafoe in "Platoon"
%
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."
-- Jane Wagner
%
"Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple
his world.  To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than
against them is to attain literacy."
-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984
%
"Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough to
make the computational equivalent of reading and writing fluent and enjoyable.
As in all the arts, a romance with the material must be well under way.  If
we value the lifelong learning of arts and letters as a springboard for
personal and societal growth, should any less effort be spent to make computing
a part of our lives?"
-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984
%
"The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace."
-- Holly Near
%
"No matter where you go, there you are..."
-- Buckaroo Banzai
%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted.
%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
%
"I'm growing older, but not up."
-- Jimmy Buffett
%
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.
%
"I hate the itching.  But I don't mind the swelling."
-- new buzz phrase, like "Where's the Beef?" that David Letterman's trying
   to get everyone to start saying
%
Your own mileage may vary.
%
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."
-- Marvin The Paranoid Android
%
"Send lawyers, guns and money..."
-- Lyrics from a Warren Zevon song
%
"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs."
- H. L. Mencken
%
"Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom;
Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love;
Love is not music; Music is the best." -- Frank Zappa
%
I can't drive 55.
%
"And they told us, what they wanted...
 Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance." -- Kate Bush
%
"In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not
there if you want to keep writing good code."  -- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Badges?  We don't need no stinking badges.
%
I can't drive 55.
I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 65, either.
%
Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas.
%
"Can you program?"  "Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!"
%
No user-servicable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel.
%
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism:  The collective
enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
field on track.
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%
One of the saddest lessons of history is this:  If we've been bamboozled
long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle.  We're no
longer interested in finding out the truth.  The bamboozle has captured
us.  it is simply too painful to acknowledge -- even to ourselves -- that
we've been so credulous.  (So the old bamboozles tend to persist as the
new bamboozles rise.)
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way
to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
%
The inability to benefit from feedback appears to be the primary cause of
pseudoscience.  Pseudoscientists retain their beliefs and ignore or distort
contradictory evidence rather than modify or reject a flawed theory.  Because
of their strong biases, they seem to lack the self-correcting mechanisms
scientists must employ in their work.
-- Thomas L. Creed, "The Skeptical Inquirer," Summer 1987
%
Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion and
bamboozle requires intelligence, vigilance, dedication and courage.  But if we
don't practice these tough habits of thought, we cannot hope to solve the truly
serious problems that face us -- and we risk becoming a nation of suckers, up
for grabs by the next charlatan who comes along.
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
%
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working component by a new
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
Each team building another component has been using the most recent tested
version of the integrated system as a test bed for debugging its piece.  Their
work will be set back by having that test bed change under them.  Of course it
must.  But the changes need to be quantized.  Then each user has periods of
productive stability, interrupted by bursts of test-bed change.  This seems
to be much less disruptive than a constant rippling and trembling.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one
mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but it
is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to organize
the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The manager of
architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and I were
threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.

The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they could write
the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months, three more
than the schedule allowed.

The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they could prepare
the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; it would be 
well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.  Futhermore, if
the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling their thumbs
for ten months.

To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control program
team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, but would
also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and it was.  He
was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual integrity made
the system far more costly to build and change, and I would estimate that it
added a year to debugging time.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
The reason ESP, for example, is not considered a viable topic in contemoprary
psychology is simply that its investigation has not proven fruitful...After
more than 70 years of study, there still does not exist one example of an ESP
phenomenon that is replicable under controlled conditions.  This simple but
basic scientific criterion has not been met despite dozens of studies conducted
over many decades...It is for this reason alone that the topic is now of little
interest to psychology...In short, there is no demonstrated phenomenon that
needs explanation.
-- Keith E. Stanovich, "How to Think Straight About Psychology", pp. 160-161
%
The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand
years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man
is and will always be a wild animal.
-- Charles Galton Darwin
%
Natural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious selection.
We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what we can be.
Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves unrecognizably.
-- Greg Bear
%
"Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin."
-- Michael O'Donohugh
%
...though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage from
beginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
%
"It's like deja vu all over again."   -- Yogi Berra
%
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal
%
"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.  "Begin at the beginning,"
the King said, gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
%
A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
To be awake is to be alive.  -- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden"
%
A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is
never sure.   Proverb
%
You see but you do not observe.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
%
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle
unless there be two.  -- Seneca
%
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverb
to you till your life has illustrated it.  -- John Keats
%
The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order
of space and time.  -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
-- Bengamin Disraeli
%
Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan.  We may as well think of
rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.  -- Edmund Burke
%
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken
%
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
-- James J. Ling
%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
a rivalry of aim.  -- Henry Brook Adams
%
Remember thee
Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
In this distracted globe.  Remember thee!
Yea, from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
That youth and observation copied there.
Hamlet, I : v : 95   William Shakespeare
%
Obviously, a man's judgement cannot be better than the information on which he
has based it.  Give him the truth and he may still go wrong when he has
the chance to be right, but give him no news or present him only with distorted
and incomplete data, with ignorant, sloppy or biased reporting, with propaganda
and deliberate falsehoods, and you destroy his whole reasoning processes, and
make him something less than a man.
-- Arthur Hays Sulzberger
%
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy
based on excellence of performance.  -- James Bryant Conant
%
You can observe a lot just by watching.  -- Yogi Berra
%
If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I
see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by
electricity.  -- Samuel F. B. Morse
%
"Mr. Watson, come here, I want you."   -- Alexander Graham Bell
%
It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud.
-- J. C. R. Licklider
%
It is important to note that probably no large operating system using current
design technology can withstand a determined and well-coordinated attack,
and that most such documented penetrations have been remarkably easy.
-- B. Hebbard, "A Penetration Analysis of the Michigan Terminal System",
Operating Systems Review, Vol. 14, No. 1, June 1980, pp. 7-20
%
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
-- Ramsey Clark
%
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.  -- James Baldwin
%
Small is beautiful.
%
...the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality
tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software.
-- M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague
%
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
-- Jean Cocteau
%
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more efficient
would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the analogy, the
answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a Rolls-Royce for $2.75,
it would do three million miles to the gallon, and it would deliver enough
power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you were interested in
miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead.
-- Christopher Evans
%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
-- Robert Lucky
%
Get hold of portable property.  -- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"
%
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the
remaining errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting footnote
to this design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be
the result of two program errors:  the first, in the program that started the
problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
system.  -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage Operating
Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal,
Vol. 12, No. 4, 1973, pp. 382-400
%
I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
Calculating Engines.  I have also declined several offers of great personal
advantage to myself.  But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after
expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of
England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only commenced,
I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even the offer
of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men
who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...  

If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were a mere
triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the execution
of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some justification
might be found for the course which has been taken; but I venture to assert
that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will ever publicly express
an opinion that such a machine would be useless if made, and that no man
distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to declare the construction of
such machinery impracticable...

And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that
exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its advancement,
which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I think the 
application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
be economized by the aid of machinery.
- Charles Babbage, Passage from the Life of a Philosopher
%
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?

"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem."
%
"Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal."
- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Uncompensated overtime?  Just Say No.
%
Decaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No.
%
"Show business is just like high school, except you get paid."
- Martin Mull
%
"This isn't brain surgery; it's just television."
- David Letterman
%
"Morality is one thing.  Ratings are everything."
- A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom"
%
Live free or die.
%
"...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
 this would be a better world."  - Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it is too
dark to read.
%
"Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system]
 made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories." - Ted Nelson, October 1977
%
"All these black people are screwing up my democracy." - Ian Smith
%
Use the Force, Luke.
%
I've got a bad feeling about this.
%
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of
the Force.
- Darth Vader
%
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master.
- Darth Vader
%
"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
poison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come
and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
%
"There was nothing I hated more than to see a filthy old drunkie, a howling
away at the sons of his father and going blurp blurp in between as if it were
a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts.  I could never stand to
see anyone like that, especially when they were old like this one was."
- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
%
186,000 Miles per Second.  It's not just a good idea.  IT'S THE LAW.
%
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
%
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
%
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.  Rarely,
if ever, do they forgive them.
- Oscar Wilde
%
Single tasking: Just Say No.
%
"Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world."
- The Beach Boys
%
"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
seemed to come from Texas."
- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
%
"I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my
lifetime."
- Johnny Legend
%
By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic credentials
(out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who give credence
to creation-science, the general theory that complex life forms did not evolve
but appeared "abruptly."
- Newsweek, June 29, 1987, pg. 23
%
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements,
sooner or later the product will speak for itself.
- Hajime Karatsu
%
In order to succeed in any enterprise, one must be persistent and patient.
Even if one has to run some risks, one must be brave and strong enough to
meet and overcome vexing challenges to maintain a successful business in
the long run.  I cannot help saying that Americans lack this necessary 
challenging spirit today.
- Hajime Karatsu
%
Memories of you remind me of you.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Life.  Don't talk to me about life.
- Marvin the Paranoid Anroid
%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
%
The world is coming to an end--save your buffers!
%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%
It is your destiny.
- Darth Vader
%
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at
your side.
- Han Solo
%
How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.
%
How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"That's a known problem... don't worry about it."
%
To be is to program.
%
To program is to be.
%
I program, therefore I am.
%
People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange
surroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and
Fortran programs, for example.
- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press
%
"I am your density."
  -- George McFly in "Back to the Future"
%
"So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here."
  -- Biff in "Back to the Future"
%
"Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint."
-- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.
%
The existence of god implies a violation of causality.
%
"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously."
- Doctor Graper
%
Operating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basic
functions of a computer.
- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, September 15, 1987, page 40
%
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation,
indivisible,
with liberty
and justice for all.
- Francis Bellamy, 1892
%
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his 
ears.  I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
-- Steven Wright
%
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of
the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
 -- Steven Wright
%
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright
%
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and
4 people died.
-- Steven Wright
%
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip 
over?  Well, that's how I feel all the time.
-- Steven Wright
%
I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and 
the building started up.  So I took it out for a drive.  A cop pulled me over 
for speeding.  He asked me where I live... "Right here".
-- Steven Wright
%
"Live or die, I'll make a million."
-- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth, Firesign Theater
%
The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic
light table for cutting and pasting documents.
%
There are bugs and then there are bugs.  And then there are bugs.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
My computer can beat up your computer.
- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Kill Ugly Processor Architectures
- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Kill Ugly Radio
- Frank Zappa
%
"Just Say No."   - Nancy Reagan

"No."            - Ronald Reagan
%
I believe that part of what propels science is the thirst for wonder.  It's a
very powerful emotion.  All children feel it.  In a first grade classroom
everybody feels it; in a twelfth grade classroom almost nobody feels it, or
at least acknowledges it.  Something happens between first and twelfth grade,
and it's not just puberty.  Not only do the schools and the media not teach
much skepticism, there is also little encouragement of this stirring sense
of wonder.  Science and pseudoscience both arouse that feeling.  Poor
popularizations of science establish an ecological niche for pseudoscience.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
%
If science were explained to the average person in a way that is accessible
and exciting, there would be no room for pseudoscience.  But there is a kind
of Gresham's Law by which in popular culture the bad science drives out the
good.  And for this I think we have to blame, first, the scientific community
ourselves for not doing a better job of popularizing science, and second, the
media, which are in this respect almost uniformly dreadful.  Every newspaper
in America has a daily astrology column.  How many have even a weekly
astronomy column?  And I believe it is also the fault of the educational
system.  We do not teach how to think.  This is a very serious failure that
may even, in a world rigged with 60,000 nuclear weapons, compromise the human
future.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
%
"I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience.  And
in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the
additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
%
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but 
what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
%
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
- Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad football team
%
If it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming
%
   It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
completely. . . .Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
man.
- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
%
The characteristic property of hallucinogens, to suspend the boundaries between
the experiencing self and the outer world in an ecstatic, emotional experience,
makes it posible with their help, and after suitable internal and external
perparation...to evoke a mystical experience according to plan, so to speak...
I see the true importance of LSD in the possibility of providing materail aid 
to meditation aimed at the mystical experience of a deeper, comprehensive
reality.  Such a use accords entirely with the essence and working character
of LSD as a sacred drug.
- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%
I share the belief of many of my contemporaries that the spiritual crisis
pervading all spheres of Western industrial society can be remedied only 
by a change in our world view.  We shall have to shift from the materialistic,
dualistic belief that people and their environment are separate, toward a
new conciousness of an all-encompassing reality, which embraces the 
experiencing ego, a reality in which people feel their oneness with animate 
nature and all of creation.
- Dr. Albert Hoffman
%
Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related
hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails
dangers that must not be underestimated.  Practitioners must take into
account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to
influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being.  The history
of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can
ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
for a pleasure drug.  Special internal and external advance preperations
are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful
experience.
- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%
I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjution
with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
child.
- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are
prepared.
- Louis Pasteur
%
core error - bus dumped
%
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not 
use.
%
"Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you."
- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater
%
"Ahead warp factor 1"
- Captain Kirk
%
   Fiery energy lanced out, but the beams struck an intangible wall between
the Gubru and the rapidly turning Earth ship.

   "Water!" it shrieked as it read the spectral report.  "A barrier of water
vapor!  A civilized race could not have found such a trick in the Library!
A civilized race could not have stooped so low!  A civilized race would not
have..."

   It screamed as the Gubru ship hit a cloud of drifting snowflakes.

- Startide Rising, by David Brin
%
Harrison's Postulate:
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
	the population is growing.
%
Felson's Law:
	To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
	many is research.
%
...Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected it.
There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden of Skepticism, Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. 12, pg. 46
%
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
- Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble
%
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
- Oscar Wilde
%
Unix:  Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it once.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Sometimes, too long is too long.
- Joe Crowe
%
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one,
an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.
- Edmund Burke
%
Behind all the political rhetoric being hurled at us from abroad, we are 
bringing home one unassailable fact -- [terrorism is] a crime by any civilized
standard, committed against innocent people, away from the scene of political
conflict, and must be dealt with as a crime. . . .
   [I]n our recognition of the nature of terrorism as a crime lies our best hope
of dealing with it. . . .
   [L]et us use the tools that we have.  Let us invoke the cooperation we have
the right to expect around the world, and with that cooperation let us shrink
the dark and dank areas of sanctuary until these cowardly marauders are held
to answer as criminals in an open and public trial for the crimes they have
committed, and receive the punishment they so richly deserve.
- William H. Webster, Director, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 15 Oct 1985
%
"Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst."
- Thomas Paine
%
"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure."
- Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens"
%
"There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to
do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way."
- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
%
"...proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect."
- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
"Athens built the Acropolis.  Corinth was a commercial city, interested in
purely materialistic things.  Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the
old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth."
- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
%
"Largely because it is so tangible and exciting a program and as such will
serve to keep alive the interest and enthusiasm of the whole spectrum of
society...It is justified because...the program can give a sense of shared
adventure and achievement to the society at large."
- Dr. Colin S. Pittendrigh, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
The challenge of space exploration and particularly of landing men on the moon
represents the greatest challenge which has ever faced the human race.  Even
if there were no clear scientific or other arguments for proceeding with this
task, the whole history of our civilization would still impel men toward the
goal.  In fact, the assembly of the scientific and military with these human
arguments creates such an overwhelming case that in can be ignored only by
those who are blind to the teachings of history, or who wish to suspend the
development of civilization at its moment of greatest opportunity and drama.
- Sir Bernard Lovell, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
The idea of man leaving this earth and flying to another celestial body and
landing there and stepping out and walking over that body has a fascination
and a driving force that can get the country to a level of energy, ambition,
and will that I do not see in any other undertaking.  I think if we are
honest with ourselves, we must admit that we needed that impetus extremely
strongly.  I sincerely believe that the space program, with its manned
landing on the moon, if wisely executed, will become the spearhead for a
broad front of courageous and energetic activities in all the fields of
endeavour of the human mind - activities which could not be carried out 
except in a mental climate of ambition and confidence which such a spearhead
can give.
- Dr. Martin Schwarzschild, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
Human society - man in a group - rises out of its lethargy to new levels of
productivity only under the stimulus of deeply inspiring and commonly 
appreciated goals.  A lethargic world serves no cause well; a spirited world
working diligently toward earnestly desired goals provides the means and
the strength toward which many ends can be satisfied...to unparalleled
social accomplishment.
- Dr. Lloyd V. Berkner, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
The vigor of civilized societies is preserved by the widespread sense that high
aims are worth-while.  Vigorous societies harbor a certain extravagance of
objectives, so that men wander beyond the safe provision of personal
gratifications.  All strong interests easily become impersonal, the love of
a good job well done.  There is a sense of harmony about such an accomplishment,
the Peace brought by something worth-while.
- Alfred North Whitehead, 1963, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself
to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon...
- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
Life's the same, except for the shoes.
- The Cars
%
Purple hum
Assorted cars
Laser lights, you bring

All to prove
You're on the move
and vanishing
- The Cars
%
Could be you're crossing the fine line
A silly driver kind of...off the wall

You keep it cool when it's t-t-tight
...eyes wide open when you start to fall.
- The Cars
%
Adapt.  Enjoy.  Survive.
%
Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve.
- Anonymous
%
Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be
lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition.
- Isaac Asimov
%
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed,
the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
clothes!  He is naked!"
- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
%
"Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
Silly Putty."
-  Dennis Rawlins, astronomer
%
To date, the firm conclusions of Project Blue Book are:
   1. no unidentified flying object reported, investigated and evaluated
      by the Air Force has ever given any indication of threat to our
      national security;
   2. there has been no evidence submitted to or discovered by the Air
      Force that sightings categorized as UNIDENTIFIED represent
      technological developments or principles beyond the range of
      present-day scientific knowledge; and
   3. there has been no evidence indicating that sightings categorized
      as UNIDENTIFIED are extraterrestrial vehicles.
- the summary of Project Blue Book, an Air Force study of UFOs from 1950
  to 1965, as quoted by James Randi in Flim-Flam!
%
Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their
hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt,
without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only
in the God idea, not God Himself.
- Miguel de Unamuno, Spanish philosopher and writer
%
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
- Kahlil Gibran
%
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian
%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
- Voltaire
%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss Bank.
- Woody Allen
%
I cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man.  Therefore, I affirm both.
Without a belief in human unity I am hungry and incomplete.  Human unity
is the fulfillment of diversity.  It is the harmony of opposites.  It is
a many-stranded texture, with color and depth.
- Norman Cousins
%
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.
- C. K. Chesterton
%
...difference of opinion is advantageious in religion.  The several sects
perform the office of a common censor morum over each other.  Is uniformity
attainable?  Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
%
Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to
be solved.
- Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??)
%
So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and
our doubts serve to reassure us.
- Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest
%
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the
improbable.
- H. L. Mencken
%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 
criminal at the bar of justice.
- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer, misogynist
%
I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents
become better people as a result of practicing it.
- Joe Mullally, computer salesman
%
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagarism.
%
"Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry"
- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for the PDP-11
%
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored
power tools.
%
How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.
%
How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb?

It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.
%
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God.
It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.
- Thomas Paine
%
God requireth not a uniformity of religion.
- Roger Williams
%
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.  But we may hope that the
dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
Let us, then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind.  Let us
restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which
liberty and even life itself are but dreary things.  And let us reflect
that having banished from our land that religious intolerance under which
mankind so long bled, we have yet gained little if we counternance a
political intolerance as despotic, as wicked, and capable of a bitter and
bloody persecutions.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.  Nowhere
in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths,
Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in
Christianity.
- John Adams
%
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could
never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
- Abraham Lincoln
%
As to Jesus of Nazareth...I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
divinity.
- Benjamin Franklin
%
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the
missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
- Oliver North
%
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute --
where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
to vote--where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
political preference--and where no man is denied public office merely
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the
people who might elect him.
- from John F. Kennedy's address to the Greater Houston Ministerial Association
  September 12, 1960.
%
The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only
opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts
at rational thinking.  Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of
knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable.  Since the earliest
days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every
effort to liberate the body and mind of man.  It has been, at all times and
everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad
laws, bad social theories, bad institutions.  It was, for centuries, an
apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings.
- H. L. Mencken
%
The notion that science does not concern itself with first causes -- that it
leaves the field to theology or metaphysics, and confines itself to mere 
effects -- this notion has no support in the plain facts.  If it could,
science would explain the origin of life on earth at once--and there is 
every reason to believe that it will do so on some not too remote tomorrow.
To argue that gaps in knowledge which will confront the seeker must be filled,
not by patient inquiry, but by intuition or revelation, is simply to give
ignorance a gratuitous and preposterous dignity....
- H. L. Mencken, 1930
%
The evidence of the emotions, save in cases where it has strong objective
support, is really no evidence at all, for every recognizable emotion has
its opposite, and if one points one way then another points the other way.
Thus the familiar argument that there is an instinctive desire for immortality,
and that this desire proves it to be a fact, becomes puerile when it is
recalled that there is also a powerful and widespread fear of annihilation,
and that this fear, on the same principle proves that there is nothing
beyond the grave.  Such childish "proofs" are typically theological, and
they remain theological even when they are adduced by men who like to 
flatter themselves by believing that they are scientific gents....
- H. L. Mencken
%
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
on his own account.  The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
even highly probable.
- H. L. Mencken, 1930
%
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
drifting side by side to our common doom.
- Clarence Darrow
%
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.
- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
%
...there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is
the practice of truth.
- George Jacob Holyoake
%
"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee."
- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston
  July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.
%
The meek are contesting the will.
%
I'm sick of being trodden on!  The Elder Gods say they can make me a man!
All it costs is my soul!  I'll do it, cuz NOW I'M MAD!!!
- Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee
%
   On Krat's main screen appeared the holo image of a man, and several dolphins.
From the man's shape, Krat could tell it was a female, probably their leader.
   "...stupid creatures unworthy of the name `sophonts.'  Foolish, pre-sentient
upspring of errant masters.  We slip away from all your armed might, laughing
at your clumsiness!  We slip away as we always will, you pathetic creatures.
And now that we have a real head start, you'll never catch us!  What better
proof that the Progenitors favor not you, but us!  What better proof..."
   The taunt went on.  Krat listened, enraged, yet at the same time savoring
the artistry of it.  These men are better than I'd thought.  Their insults
are wordy and overblown, but they have talent.  They deserve honorable, slow
deaths.
- David Brin, Startide Rising
%
"I'm a mean green mother from outer space"
 -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors
%
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who
watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide
people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and
cruelty for that.  On the other hand, I respect and envy the people 
who get inspiration from their religions.
- Benjamin Spock
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
- Andy Finkel, computer guy
%
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
%
NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again.
- The Firesign Theater
%
Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical 
vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different.
- The Firesign Theater
%
...this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six
million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
- The Firesign Theater
%
We want to create puppets that pull their own strings.
- Ann Marion
%
I know engineers.  They love to change things.
- Dr. McCoy
%
On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software
tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University.
- John Lions (U. of Toronto (?))
%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
%
"You know why there are so few sophisticated computer terrorists in the United
States?  Because your hackers have so much mobility into the establishment.
Here, there is no such mobility.  If you have the slightest bit of intellectual
integrity you cannot support the government.... That's why the best computer 
minds belong to the opposition."
- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity
%
"Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
bend a disk."
- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 
  commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement
%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
%
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
- Ed Bluestone
%
He's dead, Jim.
%
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
- David Letterman
%
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
- Al Capone
%
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects
into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to
levitation.

Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the 
character does not have fire resistance.

- README file from the NetHack game
%
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
- Frank Zappa
%
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this
country with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not.  But I'm
sick and tired of being told that I am.
- Monty Python
%
"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity."
-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.
%
There is a time in the tides of men,
Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
On the other hand, don't count on it.
- T. K. Lawson
%
To follow foolish precedents, and wink
With both our eyes, is easier than to think.
- William Cowper
%
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
%
One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, or
about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the supportive
experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong as readily to
merit a wise man's reflection.
- Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist, Standford University,
  commenting on psi research
%
Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.
- John Keats
%
Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.
%
"Our journey toward the stars has progressed swiftly.

In 1926 Robert H. Goddard launched the first liquid-propelled rocket,
achieving an altitude of 41 feet.  In 1962 John Glenn orbited the earth.

In 1969, only 66 years after Orville Wright flew two feet off the ground
for 12 seconds, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and I rocketed to the moon
in Apollo 11."
-- Michael Collins
   Former astronaut and past Director of the National Air and Space Museum
%
Most people exhibit what political scientists call "the conservatism of the
peasantry."  Don't lose what you've got.  Don't change.  Don't take a chance,
because you might end up starving to death.  Play it safe.  Buy just as much
as you need.  Don't waste time.

When  we think about risk, human beings and corporations realize in their
heads that risks are necessary to grow, to survive.  But when it comes down
to keeping good people when the crunch comes, or investing money in
something untried, only the brave reach deep into their pockets and play
the game as it must be played.

- David Lammers, "Yakitori", Electronic Engineering Times, January 18, 1988
%
"We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting"
--Stanley Sutton
%
Weekends were made for programming.
- Karl Lehenbauer
%
"Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 
roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
the railroad yards."
- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters
  of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
%
...we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
observations and inferences by the thousands.  The earth is billions of
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
descent.  Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
flat nor at the center of the universe?  Science *has* taught us some
things with confidence!  Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
established as our planet's shape and position.  Our continuing struggle
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
into doubt.
- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer,
  Vol XII No. 2
%
This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have
a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines,
no wires, no controls.
- Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers"
%
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
and tears.  ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires
us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us sleeplessness,
inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness and acts that are
contrary to habit...
- Hippocrates (c. 460-c. 377 B.C.), The Sacred Disease
%
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural function
are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the other.  There is
no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the brain now and then and
make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.  Actually, of course, this
is a working assumption only....It is quite conceivable that someday the
assumption will have to be rejected.  But it is important also to see that we
have not reached that day yet: the working assumption is a necessary one and
there is no real evidence opposed to it.  Our failure to solve a problem so
far does not make it insoluble.  One cannot logically be a determinist in
physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
- D. O. Hebb, Organization of Behavior:  A Neuropsychological Theory, 1949
%
Prevalent beliefs that knowledge can be tapped from previous incarnations or
from a "universal mind" (the repository of all past wisdom and creativity)
not only are implausible but also unfairly demean the stunning achievements
of individual human brains.
- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for Psi
  Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171
%
... Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic's role is to point out
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
the accepted body of scientific evidence. ...
- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, pg. 215
%
"Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist."
- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie
%
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples of
outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, but
they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings that
contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness: Implications for Psi
   Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171
%
Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact.
Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only
atheists could accept this Satanic theory.
- Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, "The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution"
%
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person
can doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all
present life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic
time, is as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ
only with respect to theories about how the process operates.
- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life", 
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131
%
...It is sad to find him belaboring the science community for its united
opposition to ignorant creationists who want teachers and textbooks to
give equal time to crank arguments that have advanced not a step beyond
the flyblown rhetoric of Bishop Wilberforce and William Jennings Bryan.
- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life", 
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131
%
... The book is worth attention for only two reasons:  (1) it attacks
attempts to expose sham paranormal studies; and (2) it is very well and
plausibly written and so rather harder to dismiss or refute by simple
jeering.
- Harry Eagar, reviewing "Beyond the Quantum" by Michael Talbot,
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 200-201
%
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hear the sirens in the street
All my dreams are made of chrome
I have no way to get back home
- Tom Waits
%
I am here by the will of the people and I won't leave until I get my raincoat
back.
- a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey's "Metrophage"
%
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

Seven:  One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do
        with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
%
Mike's Law:
For a lumber company employing two men and a cut-off saw, the
marginal product of labor for any number of additional workers
equals zero until the acquisition of another cut-off saw.
Let's not even consider a chainsaw.
- Mike Dennison
[You could always schedule the saw, though - ed.]
%
As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making
it round this time.
- Mike Dennison
%
This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms 
industry is now in the American experience... We must not fail to 
comprehend its grave implications... We must guard against the 
acquisition of unwarranted influence...by the military-industrial
complex.  The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power
exists and will persist.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower, from his farewell address in 1961
%
This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered
french toast in the renaissance.
- Steven Wright, comedian
%
Everyone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television.
- David Letterman
%
A lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it's designed to be minimal.
The smallness of it is what's attractive.  It's weird, 'cause it's so
intellectually lame.  It's hard to see me doing that for the rest of
my life.  But at the same time, it's what I do best.
- Chris Elliot, writer and performer on "Late Night with David Letterman"
%
e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data 
you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap.
- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.
- Oscar Wilde
%
My mother is a fish.
- William Faulkner
%
The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it
seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the
fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving
after rational knowledge.
- Albert Einstein
%
The more a man is imbued with the ordered regularity of all events, the firmer
becomes his conviction that there is no room left by the side of this ordered
regularity for causes of a different nature.  For him neither the rule of
human nor the rule of divine will exists as an independent cause of natural
events.  To be sure, the doctrine of a personal God interfering with natural
events could never be refuted, in the real sense, by science, for this
doctrine can always take refuge in those domains in which scientific knowledge
has not yet been able to set foot.

But I am persuaded that such behavior on the part of the representatives
of religion would not only be unworthy but also fatal.  For a doctrine which 
is able to maintain itself not in clear light, but only in the dark, will
of necessity lose its effect on mankind, with incalculable harm to human
progress.  In their struggle for the ethical good, teachers of religion
must have the stature to give up the doctrine of a personal God, that is, 
give up that source of fear and hope which in the past placed such vast
powers in the hands of priests.  In their labors they will have to avail
themselves of those forces which are capable of cultivating the Good, the 
True, and the Beautiful in humanity itself.  This is, to be sure, a more
difficult but an incomparably more worthy task.
- Albert Einstein
%
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
Most non-Catholics know that the Catholic schools are rendering a greater
service to our nation than the public schools in which subversive textbooks
have been used, in which Communist-minded teachers have taught, and from
whose classrooms Christ and even God Himself are barred.
- from "Our Sunday Visitor", an American-Catholic newspaper, 1949
%
Those of us who believe in the right of any human being to belong to whatever
church he sees fit, and to worship God in his own way, cannot be accused
of prejudice when we do not want to see public education connected with
religious control of the schools, which are paid for by taxpayers' money.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal
power should not become too important in any church.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind...
- Percy Bysshe Shelley
%
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
plentiful as blackberries...
- Leslie Stephen (1832-1904), literary essayist, author
%
It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon
insufficient evidence.
- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876
%
Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits
that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant?
Is it not a spectacle to make the angels laugh?  We are a company of
ignorant beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only
be incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by
falling into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for 
our daily needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe
the ultimate origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures
to declare that we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map
of our infintesimal parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that
he will be damned to all eternity for his faithlessness...
- Leslie Stephen, "An agnostic's Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876
%
Till then we shall be content to admit openly, what you (religionists)
whisper under your breath or hide in technical jargon, that the ancient
secret is a secret still; that man knows nothing of the Infinite and
Absolute; and that, knowing nothing, he had better not be dogmatic about
his ignorance.  And, meanwhile, we will endeavour to be as charitable as
possible, and whilst you trumpet forth officially your contempt for our
skepticism, we will at least try to believe that you are imposed upon
by your own bluster.
- Leslie Stephen, "An agnostic's Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876
%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
- Voltaire
%
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly --
that is the first law of nature.
- Voltaire
%
It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because
he is not of the same opinion, is a monster.
- Voltaire
%
I simply try to aid in letting the light of historical truth into that
decaying mass of outworn thought which attaches the modern world to
medieval conceptions of Christianity, and which still lingers among us --
a most serious barrier to religion and morals, and a menace to the whole
normal evolution of society.
- Andrew D. White, author, first president of Cornell University, 1896
%
The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... The
natural disposition is always to believe.  It is acquired wisdom and experience
only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough.
- Adam Smith
%
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis
socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If they think
you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude.  I'm a
very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.  These days,
though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to 
crudeness.
- Johnny Mnemonic, by William Gibson
%
However, on religious issures there can be little or no compromise.
There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious
beliefs.  There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than
Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being.
But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf
should be used sparingly.  The religious factions that are growing
throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom.
They are trying to force government leaders into following their position
100 percent.  If you disagree with these religious groups on a 
particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of
money or votes or both.  I'm frankly sick and tired of the political
preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be
a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and "D."  Just who do
they think they are?  And from where do they presume to claim the 
right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?  And I am even more angry as
a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who
thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
call in the Senate.  I am warning them today:  I will fight them every
step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all
Americans in the name of "conservatism."
- Senator Barry Goldwater, from the Congressional Record, September 16, 1981
%
"I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass."
- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's
suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's
nomination to the Supreme Court
%
...And no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion as
it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive.
As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be
advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do us the
same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their 
protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the
most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians
are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure
of Jesus because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.
Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every
recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas,
resort to formal lying to obscure such reality.
- Steve Allen, comdeian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of 
  Conviction", edited by Philip Berman
%
...it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
- Sidney Hook
%
A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill
%
We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism...
we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying
our nation today...our battle is with Satan himself.
- Jerry Falwell
%
They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach
of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions
of the duperies on which they live.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.
- George Orwell
%
As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject
of religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction
in the methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless
conversions -- to anything -- less likely.  Brian now realizes this and
has, after eleven years, left the sect he was associated with.  The 
problem is that once the untrained mind has made a formal commitment to
a religious philosophy -- and it does not matter whether that philosophy
is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and 
irrational -- the powers of reason are suprisingly ineffective in 
changing the believer's mind.
- Steve Allen, comdeian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of 
  Conviction", edited by Philip Berman
%
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult
than to understand him.
- Fyodor Dostoevski
%
We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should
govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the
center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major
prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual 
concerns, to say nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get
Christians to agree among themselves about their relationship to God.
But all will agree on a proposition that they possess profound spiritual
resources.  If, in addition, we can get them to accept the further
proposition that whatever form the Deity may have in their own theology,
the Deity is not only external, but internal and acts through them, and
they themselves give proof or disproof of the Deity in what they do and
think; if this further proposition can be accepted, then we come that
much closer to a truly religious situation on earth.
- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
%
The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
- Rabbi Meir Kahane
%
The world is no nursery.
- Sigmund Freud
%
If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any
connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of
religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and
superficial answer is not far to seek....
The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the various
denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that,
if any connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival
denomination would get an unfair advantage.
- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher, 
  from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%
Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that
every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be
submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered 
samples of learning must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to 
common tests.  It is the essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that
any such "show-down" is sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic
of religion, from their point of view, is that it is intellectually
secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, not generall known; 
authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested in ordinary 
ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion is
conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in
religion in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics
where the method of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious"
would be the last to be willing that either the history of the
content of religion should be taught in this spirit; while those
to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely a technical device,
but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must protest against
its being taught in any other spirit.
- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher, 
  from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%
In the broad and final sense all institutions are educational in the
sense that they operate to form the attitudes, dispositions, abilities
and disabilities that constitute a concrete personality...Whether this
educative process is carried on in a predominantly democratic or non-
democratic way becomes, therefore, a question of transcendent importance
not only for education itself but for its final effect upon all the
interests and activites of a society that is committed to the democratic
way of life.
- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher
%
History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts
them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing
grub, at intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another...
Truly the imago state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every
moult is a step gained.
- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
%
...I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and 
concern to be different, the African apes would be included in our 
family, the Hominidae.
- Richard Leakey
%
It is inconceivable that a judicious observer from another solar system
would see in our species -- which has tended to be cruel, destructive,
wasteful, and irrational -- the crown and apex of cosmic evolution.
Viewing us as the culmination of *anything* is grotesque; viewing us
as a transitional species makes more sense -- and gives us more hope.
- Betty McCollister, "Our Transitional Species", 
  Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 1
%
"Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor
reptile and not very much of a bird."
- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist who has
studied the archeopteryz and found it "very much like people"
%
"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape."
- Ellyn Mustard
%
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to
 create him."
 -Arthur C. Clarke
%
"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?"
 -Ronald Reagan
%
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things 
 we don't know yet."
 -Ambrose Bierce
%
"Plan to throw one away.  You will anyway."
- Fred Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape.
- Ellyn Mustard
%
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to
 create him."
 -Arthur C. Clarke
%
"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?"
 -Ronald Reagan
%
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things 
 we don't know yet."
 -Ambrose Bierce
%
The Middle East is certainly the nexus of turmoil for a long time to come --
with shifting players, but the same game: upheaval.  I think we will be
confronting militant Islam -- particularly fallout from the Iranian
revolution -- and religion will once more, as it has in our own more
distant past -- play a role at least as standard-bearer in death and mayhem.
- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval Intelligence,
  vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA, deputy director of
  Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC.
%
...One thing is that, unlike any other Western democracy that I know of,
this country has operated since its beginnings with a basic distrust of 
government.  We are constituted not for efficient operation of government,
but for minimizing the possibility of abuse of power.  It took the events
of the Roosevelt era -- a catastrophic economic collapse and a world war --
to introduce the strong central government that we now know.  But in most
parts of the country today, the reluctance to have government is still
strong.  I think, barring a series of catastrophic events, that we can
look to at least another decade during which many of the big problems
around this country will have to be addressed by institutions other than
federal government.
- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval Intelligence,
  vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA, deputy directory of
  Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC.
[the statist opinions expressed herein are not those of the cookie editor -ed.]
%
"I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics."
- from "The Graduate"
%
"There is such a fine line between genius and stupidity."
- David St. Hubbins, "Spinal Tap"
%
"If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and by men who
are equally certain that they represent the divine will.  I am sure that
either the one or the other is mistaken in the belief, and perhaps in some
respects, both.

I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that
God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty,
it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me.
- Abraham Lincoln
%
In space, no one can hear you fart.
%
Brain damage is all in your head.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Wish and hope succeed in discerning signs of paranormality where reason and
careful scientific procedure fail.
- James E. Alcock, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12
%
"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but
the result's the same."
- Mike Dennison
%
"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer", Vol. 12, page 186
%
It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and
intimidation.
%
"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at
speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)."
-- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.
%
"Your attitude determines your attitude."
-- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus
%
In arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP,
psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on, I am frequently challenged with
the most popular of all neuro-mythologies -- the notion that we ordinarily
use only 10 percent of our brains...

This "cerebral spare tire" concept continues to nourish the clientele of
"pop psychologists" and their many recycling self-improvement schemes.  As
a metaphor for the fact that few of us fully exploit our talents, who could
deny it?  As a refuge for occultists seeking a neural basis of the miraculous,
it leaves much to be desired.
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:  Implications for
   Psi Phenomena", The Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 171
%
Thufir's a Harkonnen now.
%
"By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun."
-- P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool's column in April 88's "Computer Language"
%
"If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight."
-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory
%
Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time alloted it.
%
Karl's version of Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to exceed the time alloted it.
%
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and
failed.
- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
%
"Our journeys to the stars will be made on spaceships created by determined,
hardworking scientists and engineers applying the principles of science, not
aboard flying saucers piloted by little gray aliens from some other dimension."
-- Robert A. Baker, "The Aliens Among Us:  Hypnotic Regression Revisited",
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2
%
"...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products,
if they are built at all, are dogs!"
-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987
%
"To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite 
improvements."
-- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors
%
"We will bury you."
-- Nikita Kruschev
%
"Now here's something you're really going to like!"
-- Rocket J. Squirrel
%
"How to make a million dollars:  First, get a million dollars."
-- Steve Martin
%
"Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about."
-- B. L. Whorf
%
The language provides a programmer with a set of conceptual tools; if these are
inadequate for the task, they will simply be ignored.  For example, seriously
restricting the concept of a pointer simply forces the programmer to use a
vector plus integer arithmetic to implement structures, pointer, etc.  Good
design and the absence of errors cannot be guaranteed by mere language
features.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup, "The C++ Programming Language"
%
"For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.  How tacky can ya get?"
- Post Brothers comics
%
"Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation."
-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
%
"An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth."
-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
%
"I've seen it.  It's rubbish."
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
%
Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance.
%
"Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times
been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice."
-- Robert Green Ingersoll
%
The history of the rise of Christianity has everything to do with politics,
culture, and human frailties and nothing to do with supernatural manipulation
of events.  Had divine intervention been the guiding force, surely two
millennia after the birth of Jesus he would not have a world where there
are more Muslims than Catholics, more Hindus than Protestants, and more
nontheists than Catholics and Protestants combined.
-- John K. Naland, "The First Easter", Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 2
%
I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.
- Darse ("Darth") Vader
%
"All Bibles are man-made."
-- Thomas Edison
%
"Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?"
"Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment."
%
"The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) at
hand... *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the
Right from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years."
-- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology
%
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn."
-- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson
%
While it cannot be proved retrospectively that any experience of possession,
conversion, revelation, or divine ecstasy was merely an epileptic discharge,
we must ask how one differentiates "real transcendence" from neuropathies
that produce the same extreme realness, profundity, ineffability, and sense
of cosmic unity.  When accounts of sudden religious conversions in TLEs
[temporal-lobe epileptics] are laid alongside the epiphanous revelations of
the religious tradition, the parallels are striking.  The same is true of the
recent spate of alleged UFO abductees.  Parsimony alone argues against invoking
spirits, demons, or extraterrestrials when natural causes will suffice.
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "Neuropathology and the Legacy of Spiritual 
   Possession", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 3, pg. 255
%
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on."
- Samuel Goldwyn
%
"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."
-- Richard J. Daley
%
"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody."
-- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro
%
"Lead us in a few words of silent prayer."
-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
%
"I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course."
-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
%
"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head
is concerned."
-- Baseball pitcher Bo Belinsky
%
"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental."
-- Yogi Berra
%
Two things are certain about science.  It does not stand still for long,
and it is never boring.  Oh, among some poor souls, including even
intellectuals in fields of high scholarship, science is frequently
misperceived.  Many see it as only a body of facts, promulgated from
on high in must, unintelligible textbooks, a collection of unchanging
precepts defended with authoritarian vigor.  Others view it as nothing
but a cold, dry narrow, plodding, rule-bound process -- the scientific
method: hidebound, linear, and left brained.

These people are the victims of their own stereotypes.  They are
destined to view the world of science with a set of blinders.  They
know nothing of the tumult, cacophony, rambunctiousness, and 
tendentiousness of the actual scientific process, let alone the 
creativity, passion, and joy of discovery.  And they are likely to
know little of the continual procession of new insights and discoveries
that every day, in some way, change our view (if not theirs) of the
natural world.

-- Kendrick Frazier, "The Year in Science: An Overview," in
   1988 Yearbook of Science and the Future, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc.
%
"jackpot:  you may have an unneccessary change record"
-- message from "diff"
%
"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
-- The Godfather
%
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?

A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
%
"Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer the
world."
-- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp.
%
"There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalent
to a gang bent on destruction."
-- John Cage, composer
%
"I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a
music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make
available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard."
-- composer John Cage, 1937
%
I did cancel one performance in Holland where they thought my music was so easy
that they didn't rehearse at all.  And so the first time when I found that out,
I rehearsed the orchestra myself in front of the audience of 3,000 people and
the next day I rehearsed through the second movement -- this was the piece
_Cheap Imitation_ -- and they then were ashamed.  The Dutch people were ashamed
and they invited me to come to the Holland festival and they promised to
rehearse.  And when I got to Amsterdam they had changed the orchestra, and
again, they hadn't rehearsed.  So they were no more prepared the second time
than they had been the first.  I gave them a lecture and told them to cancel
the performance; they then said over the radio that i had insisted on their
cancelling the performance because they were "insufficiently Zen."  
Can you believe it?
-- composer John Cage, "Electronic Musician" magazine, March 88, pg. 89
%
"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe."
-- Tom Anderson
%
"Most people would like to be delivered from
 temptation but would like it to keep in touch."
-- Robert Orben
%
The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number or 
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
%
An optimist believes we live in the best world possible; 
a pessimist fears this is true.
%
"If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his 
feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football."
-- Chuck Newcombe
%
Dead?	No excuse for laying off work.
%
Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.
%
"When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
"Nature is very un-American.  Nature never hurries."
-- William George Jordan
%
"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale."
-- Adlai Stevenson
%
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
-- Bernard Berenson
%
"Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings.	 The expectations are always 
high, and the results usually disappointing."
-- Robert Orben
%
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging 
their prejudices."
-- William James
%
"Tell the truth and run."
-- Yugoslav proverb
%
"The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can't 
do him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight back."
-- Abigail Van Buren
%
"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning."
-- Marlo Thomas
%
"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit."
-- David McCord
%
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children 
produce adults."
-- Peter De Vries
%
"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them."
-- Alfred Adler
%
"Security is mostly a superstition.  It does not exist in nature... Life is 
either a daring adventure or nothing."
-- Helen Keller
%
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is 
shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"Success covers a multitude of blunders."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while 
the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."
-- William Stekel
%
"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..."
-- Badger comics
%
"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?" 
-- Sonic Disruptors comics
%
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons 
for it afterwards."
-- Soren F. Petersen
%
"You're a creature of the night, Michael.  Wait'll Mom hears about this."
-- from the movie "The Lost Boys"
%
"Plastic gun.  Ingenious.  More coffee, please."
-- The Phantom comics
%
The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words 
return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.
%
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
%
"A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a 
perfectly good kitten."
-- Doug Larson
%
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 
appreciates how difficult it was."
-- Walt West
%
"Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone."
-- G. B. Stearn
%
"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with 
the current."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to 
the left.
%
"But this one goes to eleven."
-- Nigel Tufnel
%
"Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?"
-- A. Brilliant
%
"I don't know what their
 gripe is.  A critic is
 simply someone paid to
 render opinions glibly."
			     "Critics are grinks and
			      groinks." 
-- Baron and Badger, from Badger comics
%
"I've got some amyls.  We could either party later or, like, start his heart."
-- "Cheech and Chong's Next Movie"
%
"Israel today announced that it is giving up.  The Zionist state will dissolve 
in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities
around the world.  Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs the 
aggravation?'"
-- Dennis Miller, "Satuday Night Live" News
%
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead 
by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business 
product: a really sharp-looking report."
-- Dave Barry
%
SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth!
[offer void where prohibited]
-- Capitalists from outer space, from Justice League Int'l comics
%
"Roman Polanski makes his own blood.  He's smart -- that's why his movies work."
-- A brilliant director at "Frank's Place"
%
"The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists."
-- Dave Barry
%
"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'" 
--Tammy Faye Bakker
%
Gary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out.
%
Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute,
for they shall be know as Dentists.
%
"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, 
unless he has an atomic weapon."
-- Howard Chaykin
%
"Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear 
strapped to your butt?"
   "No."
"'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek."
-- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters
[ditto]
%
"I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search and
seizure.  Man, that was really Out There."
   "I was so WRECKED when I wrote that..."
-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
%
"Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke."
-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
%
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
%
"Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit"
- T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1
%
"Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?"
    "It does not work that way.  RUN!"
-- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest"
%
"You shouldn't make my toaster angry."
-- Household security explained in "Johnny Quest"
%
 "Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully."
-- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
%
"And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie.
 If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the
 basement:
    1)	Don't give him a chance to hit you on the
	head with an axe!
    2)	Flee the premises... even if you're in your
	underwear.
    3)	Warn the neighbors and call the police.
 But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!"
-- Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th
%
Victory or defeat!
%
"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion."
-- Harlan Ellison
%
"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!  This gun is so futuristic that even 
*I* don't know how it works!"
-- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
%
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
-- George Carlin
%
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
%
   "Daddy, Daddy, make
    Santa Claus go away!"
		       "I can't, son;
			he's grown too
			powerful."
				     "HO HO HO!"
-- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre
%
"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!"
-- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom"
%
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the 
one holding it"
-- Captain Combat
%
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.   -- David Letterman
%
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.   -- David Letterman
%
Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.    -- David Letterman
%
Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.    -- David Letterman
%
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is 
good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
"Hello again, Peabody here..."
-- Mister Peabody
%
"It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes."
-- Rick Obidiah
%
"To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury 
yachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac.  Some of these ships are up to 100 
feet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can 
remain submerged for up to 3 weeks."
-- Garrison Keillor
%
"Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance, 
science fiction..."
-- Art Spiegelman
%
"One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're 
real boring to look at.  They're just badly designed.  People from the left
often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design 
classes, you know?"
-- Art Spiegelman
%
"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead
 show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to
 the moon and back... and none of them would be
 complaining."
-- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times
%
"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."
-- Spaceballs
%
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical
experiments instead of rats?

	a)  There are more lawyers than rats.
	b)  The scientist's don't become as
 	    emotionally attached to them.
	c)  There are some things that even rats 
	    won't do for money.
%
	"During the race
	 We may eat your dust,
	 But when you graduate,
	 You'll work for us."
	-- Reed College cheer
%
Pohl's law: 
	 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
%
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the 
splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope,
for it balks at pig.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand."
-- James Watt
%
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
 country what it once was... an arctic wilderness."
-- Steve Martin
%
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
-- Woody Allen
%
Noncombatant:  A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it 
is I'll get married again."
-- Clint Eastwood
%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  
I believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
%
Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
	Experience is directly proportional to the
	amount of equipment ruined.
%
Captain Penny's Law:
	You can fool all of the people some of the
	time, and some of the people all of the
	time, but you can't fool mom.
%
"Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is] 
an interesting role for an actor."
-- Dolph Lundgren, "actor"
%
"If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never 
stop throwing up."
-- Max Von Sydow's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"
%
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.  
God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."
-- Woody Allen's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"
%
"In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he
 received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has
 not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated that
 "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."
-- Hannah Arendt.
%
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi.
(What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.)
%
"I distrust a man who says 'when.'  If he's got to be careful not to drink too 
much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
%
"I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk 
and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 
unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.	I'll tell 
you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
%
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
%
"The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"
-- George Carlin
%
"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!"
-- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_
%
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.
-- Bryan Sparrowhawk
%
There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of us
%
"The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen...  The world's climates are changing, 
the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a 
walnut."
-- some dinosaurs from The Far Side, by Gary Larson
%
"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb 
your cities."
-- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_
%
Why won't sharks eat lawyers?   Professional courtesy.
%
"You know, we've won awards for this crap."
-- David Letterman
%
It was pity stayed his hand.
"Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito.
-- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein
%
A good USENET motto would be:
 a. "Together, a strong community."
 b. "Computers R Us."
 c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw around for a while on 
     company time."
-- A Sane Man
%
"He didn't run for reelection.	`Politics brings you into contact with all the 
people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'"
-- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_
%
"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and 
fire them all off, wouldn't you?"
-- Garrison Keillor
%
"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk."
-- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_
%
"Poor man... he was like an employee to me."
-- The police commisioner on "Sledge Hammer" laments the death of his bodyguard
%
"Trust me.  I know what I'm doing."
-- Sledge Hammer
%
"Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name and 
number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you
 in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP"
 -- Blue Devil comics
%
"All God's children are not beautiful.	Most of God's children are, in fact, 
barely presentable."
-- Fran Lebowitz
%
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
-- Lily Tomlin
%
Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
%
"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"
-- Buckaroo Banzai
%
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid"
-- the artificial person, from _Aliens_
%
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead 
girl or a live boy."
-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards
%
David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
	* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
	* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
	* Hourly motel rates
	* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
	* Didn't just give up right away during World War II like some 
	    countries we could mention
	* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
	* Our well-behaved golf professionals
	* Fabulous babes coast to coast
%
"Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!"
   "No, but the first of you turns my stomach!"
-- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger
%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
 -- Russian Proverb
%
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.	 If your ideas are any good, 
you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
 -- Howard Aiken
%
"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"
 -- David Parnas
%
"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."
 -- C. Schulz
%
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make 
empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have made 
a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the 
bonds of Hell."
 -- Saint Augustine
%
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
 -- F. Borquin
%
 "I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means.	It means we
  get to keep all our old mistakes."
 -- Dennie van Tassel
%
"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones."
 -- Nathaniel Howe
%
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware."
-- Norm, from _Cheers_
%
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that 
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied, 
"That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your 
mistress."
%
"He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"   -- Bugs Bunny
%
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
-- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, _Robin Hood Daffy_
%
"Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?"
   "You might, rabbit, you might!"
-- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng)
%
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
-- Looney Tunes, Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones)
%
"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"
-- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)
%
"Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun.  And when it 
disintegrates, it disintegrates.  (pulls trigger)  Well, what you do know, 
it disintegrated."
-- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century
%
"Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit!"
-- Looney Tunes, "What's Opera Doc?" (1957, Chuck Jones)
%
"I DO want your money, because god wants your money!"
-- The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo_Man_
%
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The 
terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I'll eat him."
-- Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_
%
	"And we heard him exclaim
	 As he started to roam:
	 `I'm a hologram, kids,
	  please don't try this at home!'"
	-- Bob Violence
-- Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence
%
"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 
themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against 
the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: `Hey you stinking fat Russian, get
 off my Ford Escort.'"
-- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live
%
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum."
--Arthur C. Clarke
%
"They ought to make butt-flavored cat food."   --Gallagher
%
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
--Woody Allen
%
"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?"  -- Peter Oakley
%
"Ah, you know the type.	 They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 
'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big,
scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only 
reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
-- an analysis of neo-Nazis and such, Badger comics
%
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York 
City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves 
around than any other city in the world."
-- David Letterman
%
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get 
to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?	I was hitchhiking."
-- David Letterman
%
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New 
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not 
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
-- David Letterman
%
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham 
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
	1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	2) Advising the President.
	3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his
	   coffin."
-- David Letterman
%
"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on
 television with pool cues, who would win?
	1) Ricky Schroder
	2) Gary Coleman
	3) The television viewing public"
-- David Letterman
%
"If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are
 probably hallucinating."
-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
%
What to do in case of an alien attack:

    1)   Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away.
    2)   Avoid eye contact.
    3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact.

-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
%
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
- Ted Turner
%
"You tweachewous miscweant!"
-- Elmer Fudd
%
"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never 
spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?"
-- the alien guy, in _Explorers_
%
"Open Channel D..."
-- Napoleon Solo, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
%
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
%
Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.
%
"The pyramid is opening!"
   "Which one?"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
-- The Firesign Theatre
%
"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
-- The Firesign Theatre movie, _J-Men Forever_
%
"My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!"
    "Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!"
-- Doonesbury
%
"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!"
-- Bloom County
%
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* 
you believe?!" 
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
%
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!"
-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"
-- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_
%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards..."
-- unknown
%
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk" 
-- John Huston
%
"Be there.  Aloha."
-- Steve McGarret, _Hawaii Five-Oh_
%
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro..."
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-pickin' varmint!"
-- Yosemite Sam
%
"There... I've run rings 'round you logically"
-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"
-- The Ghostbusters
%
...Veloz is indistinguishable from hundreds of other electronics businesses
in the Valley, run by eager young engineers poring over memory dumps late
into the night.  The difference is that a bunch of self-confessed "car nuts"
are making money doing what they love: writing code and driving fast.
-- "Electronics puts its foot on the gas", IEEE Spectrum, May 88
%
"Just the facts, Ma'am"
-- Joe Friday
%
"I have five dollars for each of you."
-- Bernhard Goetz
%
Mausoleum:  The final and funniest folly of the rich.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Riches:  A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I
am well pleased."
-- John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce)
%
All things are either sacred or profane.
The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
The latter to the devil appertain.
-- Dumbo Omohundro
%
Saint:  A dead sinner revised and edited.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Forty two.
%
Meekness:  Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Absolute:  Independent, irresponsible.  An absolute monarchy is one in which
the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.  Not
many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by
limited monarchies, where the soverign's power for evil (and for good) is
greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Alliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their
hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately
plunder a third.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Disobedience:  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Egotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Administration:  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive
the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
A penny saved is a penny to squander.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man --
who has no gills.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Physician:  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Philosophy:  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Politics:  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Politician:  An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
organized society is reared.  When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of
his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared with the statesman,
he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Pray:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single
petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Presidency:  The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Proboscis:  The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place
of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.  For purposes
of humor it is popularly called a trunk.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Inadmissible:  Not competent to be considered.  Said of certain kinds of
testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with,
and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves
alone.  Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was
unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentous 
actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are
daily undertaken on hearsay evidence.  There is no religion in the world
that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.  Revelation is hearsay
evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the
testimony of men long dead whose identy is not clearly established and
who are not known to have been sworn in any sense.  Under the rules of
evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the
Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law...

But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved
that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to
mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.
If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike
destitute of value.  --Ambrose Bierce
%
"Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few
 simple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'."
 --John Sladek
%
"In the fight between you and the world, back the world."
 --Frank Zappa
%
Here is an Appalachian version of management's answer to those who are 
concerned with the fate of the project:
"Don't worry about the mule.  Just load the wagon."
-- Mike Dennison's hillbilly uncle
%
Ill-chosen abstraction is particularly evident in the design of the ADA
runtime system. The interface to the ADA runtime system is so opaque that
it is impossible to model or predict its performance, making it effectively
useless for real-time systems. -- Marc D. Donner and David H. Jameson.
%
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
"Here comes Mr. Bill's dog."
-- Narrator, Saturday Night Live
%
Sex is like air.  It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
%
"Maintain an awareness for contribution -- to your schedule, your project, 
our company."  
-- A Group of Employees
%
"Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you.  But ask what can 
All Employees do for A Group of Employees."    
-- Mike Dennison
%
One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner
alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic.
   "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, is
 published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship.
 Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century.
 Do you think that fair criticism?"
   "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not
occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it."
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Many aligators will be slain,
but the swamp will remain.
%
What the gods would destroy they first submit to an IEEE standards committee.
%
This is now.  Later is later.
%
"I will make no bargains with terrorist hardware."
-- Peter da Silva
%
"If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go
to hell."
-- Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88
%
"Dump the condiments.  If we are to be eaten, we don't need to taste good."
-- "Visionaries" cartoon
%
"Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you'll fog up my helmet."
-- "Visionaries" cartoon
%
I don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.
%
Marriage Ceremony:  An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the 
law being dragged into the affairs of your family.
-- O. C. Ogilvie
%
  "Emergency!"  Sgiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was
a burning car.  "Dial 'one'!  Get room service!  Code red!"  Stiggs was on
the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to
him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell.  "I demand
smell," he shrilled.  "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these
f*cking roses."

  Unfortunately, the service captain didn't realize that the Stiggs situation
involved fifty roses.  "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at
the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower
floating in a brandy glass.  Stiggs's tirade was great.  "Do you see this
bathtub?  Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the
size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand?  I need total bath coverage.
I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories
of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking
concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I'm wasted with pleasure."
It wasn't long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we
bolted.
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
   National Lampoon, October 1982
%
When it is incorrect, it is, at least *authoritatively* incorrect.
-- Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy
%
We decided it was night again, so we camped for twenty minutes and drank 
another six beers at a Young Life campsite.  O.C. got into the supervisory 
adult's sleeping bag and ran around in it.  "This is the judgment day and I'm 
a terrifying apparition," he screamed.  Then the heat made O.C. ralph in the
bag.
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
   National Lampoon, October 1982
%
Voodoo Programming:  Things programmers do that they know shouldn't work but
they try anyway, and which sometimes actually work, such as recompiling
everything.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
This is, of course, totally uninformed specualation that I engage in to help 
support my bias against such meddling... but there you have it.
-- Peter da Silva, speculating about why a computer program that had been
changed to do something he didn't approve of, didn't work
%
"This knowledge I pursure is the finest pleasure I have ever known.  I could
no sooner give it up that I could the very air that I breath."
-- Paolo Uccello, Renaissance artist, discoverer of the laws of perspective
%
"I got everybody to pay up front...then I blew up their planet."
  "Now why didn't I think of that?"
-- Post Bros. Comics
%
"Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed."
-- Robin, The Boy Wonder
%
The F-15 Eagle:  
	If it's up, we'll shoot it down.  If it's down, we'll blow it up.
-- A McDonnel-Douglas ad from a few years ago
%
"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking 
operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box."
-- Peter da Silva
%
"It's my cookie file and if I come up with something that's lame and I like it,
it goes in."
-- karl (Karl Lehenbauer)
%
In recognizing AT&T Bell Laboratories for corporate innovation, for its
invention of cellular mobile communications, IEEE President Russell C. Drew
referred to the cellular telephone as a "basic necessity."  How times have
changed, one observer remarked: many in the room recalled the advent of
direct dialing.
-- The Institute, July 1988, pg. 11
%
...the Soviets have the capability to try big projects.  If there is a goal,
such as when Gorbachev states that they are going to have nuclear-powered
aircraft carriers, the case is closed -- that is it.  They will concentrate
on the problem, do a bad job, and later pay the price.  They really don't
care what the price is.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%
There is something you must understand about the Soviet system.  They have the
ability to concentrate all their efforts on a given design, and develop all
components simulateously, but sometimes without proper testing.  Then they end
up with a technological disaster like the Tu-144.  In a technology race at
the time, that aircraft was two months ahead of the Concorde.  Four Tu-144s
were built; two have crashed, and two are in museums.  The Concorde has been
flying safely for over 10 years.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%
DE:  The Soviets seem to have difficulty implementing modern technology.
     Would you comment on that?

Belenko:  Well, let's talk about aircraft engine lifetime.  When I flew the
	  MiG-25, its engines had a total lifetime of 250 hours.

DE:  Is that mean-time-between-failure?

Belenko:  No, the engine is finished; it is scrapped.

DE:  You mean they pull it out and throw it away, not even overhauling it?

Belenko:  That is correct.  Overhaul is too expensive.

DE:  That is absurdly low by free world standards.

Belenko:  I know.
-- an interview with Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 102
%
"I have a friend who just got back from the Soviet Union, and told me the people
there are hungry for information about the West.  He was asked about many 
things, but I will give you two examples that are very revealing about life in
the Soviet Union.  The first question he was asked was if we had exploding
television sets.  You see, they have a problem with the picture tubes on color
television sets, and many are exploding.  They assumed we must be having 
problems with them too.  The other question he was asked often was why the
CIA had killed Samantha Smith, the little girl who visited the Soviet Union a
few years ago; their propaganda is very effective.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%
"...I could accept this openness, glasnost, perestroika, or whatever you want
to call it if they did these things: abolish the one party system; open the
Soviet frontier and allow Soviet people to travel freely; allow the Soviet
people to have real free enterprise; allow Western businessmen to do business
there, and permit freedom of speech and of the press.  But so far, the whole
country is like a concentration camp.  The barbed wire on the fence around
the Soviet Union is to keep people inside, in the dark.  This openness that
you are seeing, all these changes, are cosmetic and they have been designed
to impress shortsighted, naive, sometimes stupid Western leaders.  These
leaders gush over Gorbachev, hoping to do business with the Soviet Union or
appease it.  He will say: "Yes, we can do business!"  This while his
military machine in Afghanistan has killed over a million people out of a
population of 17 million.  Can you imagine that?
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110
%
"Remember Kruschev:  he tried to do too many things too fast, and he was 
removed in disgrace.  If Gorbachev tries to destroy the system or make too
many fundamental changes to it, I believe the system will get rid of him.
I am not a political scientist, but I understand the system very well.
I believe he will have a "heart attack" or retire or be removed.  He is
up against a brick wall.  If you think they will change everything and
become a free, open society, forget it!"
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110
%
FORTRAN?  The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and
generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10"  If that
doesn't terrify you, it should.
%
"I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as
a house.  So I reasoned that after college, I'd have to live cheaply in
an apartment and put all my money into owning a computer."
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%
HP had a unique policy of allowing its engineers to take parts from stock as
long as they built something.  "They figured that with every design, they were 
getting a better engineer.  It's a policy I urge all companies to adopt."
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, "Will Wozniak's class give Apple to teacher?"
   EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%
"I just want to be a good engineer."
-- Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, concluding his keynote speech 
   at the 1988 AppleFest
%
"There's always been Tower of Babel sort of bickering inside Unix, but this
is the most extreme form ever.  This means at least several years of confusion."
-- Bill Gates, founder and chairman of Microsoft, 
   about the Open Systems Foundation
%
"When in doubt, print 'em out."
-- Karl's Programming Proverb 0x7
%
"If you want the best things to happen in corporate life you have to find ways
to be hospitable to the unusual person.  You don't get innovation as a 
democratic process.  You almost get it as an anti-democratic process.
Certainly you get it as an anthitetical process, so you have to have an
environment where the body of people are really amenable to change and can
deal with the conflicts that arise out of change an innovation."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc.,  
   "Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity",
   The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
"In corporate life, I think there are three important areas which contracts
can't deal with, the area of conflict, the area of change and area of reaching
potential.  To me a covenant is a relationship that is based on such things
as shared ideals and shared value systems and shared ideas and shared
agreement as to the processes we are going to use for working together.  In
many cases they develop into real love relationships."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
Another goal is to establish a relationship "in which it is OK for everybody
to do their best.  There are an awful lot of people in management who really
don't want subordinates to do their best, because it gets to be very
threatening.  But we have found that both internally and with outside
designers if we are willing to have this kind of relationship and if we're
willing to be vulnerable to what will come out of it, we get really good
work."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
In his book, Mr. DePree tells the story of how designer George Nelson urged
that the company also take on Charles Eames in the late 1940s.  Max's father,
J. DePree, co-founder of the company with herman Miller in 1923, asked Mr.
Nelson if he really wanted to share the limited opportunities of a then-small
company with another designer.  "George's response was something like this:
'Charles Eames is an unusual talent.  He is very different from me.  The
company needs us both.  I want very much to have Charles Eames share in
whatever potential there is.'"
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
Mr. DePree believes participative capitalism is the wave of the future.  The
U.S. work force, he believes, "more and more demands to be included in the
capitalist system and if we don't find ways to get the capitalist system
to be an inclusive system rather than the exclusive system it has been, we're
all in deep trouble.  If we don't find ways to begin to understand that 
capitalism's highest potential lies in the common good, not in the individual
good, then we're risking the system itself."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
Mr. DePree also expects a "tremendous social change" in all workplaces.  "When
I first started working 40 years ago, a factory supervisor was focused on the
product.  Today it is drastically different, because of the social milieu.
It isn't unusual for a worker to arrive on his shift and have some family
problem that he doesn't know how to resolve.  The example I like to use is a
guy who comes in and says 'this isn't going to be a good day for me, my son
is in jail on a drunk-driving charge and I don't know how to raise bail.'
What that means is that if the supervisor wants productivity, he has to know
how to raise bail."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
Fools ignore complexity.  Pragmatists suffer it.
Some can avoid it.  Geniuses remove it.
-- Perlis's Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept.  1982
%
"What if" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard, so stop using it in your
sentences without permission, or risk being sued.
%
Now, if the leaders of the world -- people who are leaders by virtue of 
political, military or financial power, and not necessarily wisdom or
consideration for mankind -- if these leaders manage not to pull us
over the brink into planetary suicide, despite their occasional pompous
suggestions that they may feel obliged to do so, we may survive beyond
1988.  
-- George Rostky, EE Times, June 20, 1988 p. 45
%
The essential ideas of Algol 68 were that the whole language should be
precisely defined and that all the pieces should fit together smoothly.
The basic idea behind Pascal was that it didn't matter how vague the
language specification was (it took *years* to clarify) or how many rough
edges there were, as long as the CDC Pascal compiler was fast.
-- Richard A. O'Keefe
%
"We came.  We saw.  We kicked its ass."
-- Bill Murray, _Ghostbusters_
%
"The stars are made of the same atoms as the earth."  I usually pick one small
topic like this to give a lecture on.  Poets say science takes away from the
beauty of the stars -- mere gobs of gas atoms.  Nothing is "mere."  I too can
see the stars on a desert night, and feel them.  But do I see less or more?
The vastness of the heavens stretches my imagination -- stuck on this carousel
my little eye can catch one-million-year-old light.  A vast pattern -- of which
I am a part -- perhaps my stuff was belched from some forgotten star, as one
is belching there.  Or see them with the greater eye of Palomar, rushing all
apart from some common starting point when they were perhaps all together.
What is the pattern, or the meaning, or the *why?*  It does not do harm to the 
mystery to know a little about it.  For far more marvelous is the truth than
any artists of the past imagined!  Why do the poets of the present not speak
of it?  What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were like a man, but
if he is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent?
-- Richard P. Feynman (1918-1988)
%
If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out
of) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like.
-- Michael Keith, "The Bar-Code Beast", The Skeptical Enquirer Vol 12 No 4 p 416
%
"Pseudocode can be used to some extent to aid the maintenance
process.  However, pseudocode that is highly detailed -
approaching the level of detail of the code itself - is not of
much use as maintenance documentation.  Such detailed
documentation has to be maintained almost as much as the code,
thus doubling the maintenance burden.  Furthermore, since such
voluminous pseudocode is too distracting to be kept in the
listing itself, it must be kept in a separate folder.  The
result: Since pseudocode - unlike real code - doesn't have to be
maintained, no one will maintain it.  It will soon become out of
date and everyone will ignore it.  (Once, I did an informal
survey of 42 shops that used pseudocode.  Of those 42, 0 [zero!],
found that it had any value as maintenance documentation."
         --Meilir Page-Jones, "The Practical Guide to Structured
           Design", Yourdon Press (c) 1988
%
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not
make the simple next step of supporting multitasking."
-- George McFry
%
Sigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the entire field
of psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry.
%
The magician is seated in his high chair and looks upon the world with favor.
He is at the height of his powers.  If he closes his eyes, he causes the world
to disappear.  If he opens his eyes, he causes the world to come back.  If
there is harmony within him, the world is harmonious.  If rage shatters his
inner harmony, the unity of the world is shattered.  If desire arises within
him, he utters the magic syllables that causes the desired object to appear.
His wishes, his thoughts, his gestures, his noises command the universe.
-- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 107
%
An Animal that knows who it is, one that has a sense of his own identity, is
a discontented creature, doomed to create new problems for himself for the
duration of his stay on this planet.  Since neither the mouse nor the chip
knows what is, he is spared all the vexing problems that follow this
discovery.  But as soon as the human animal who asked himself this question
emerged, he plunged himself and his descendants into an eternity of doubt
and brooding, speculation and truth-seeking that has goaded him through the
centures as reelentlessly as hunger or sexual longing.  The chimp that does
not know that he exists is not driven to discover his origins and is spared
the tragic necessity of contemplating his own end.  And even if the animal 
experimenters succeed in teaching a chimp to count one hundred bananas or 
to play chess, the chimp will develop no science and he will exhibit no 
appreciation of beauty, for the greatest part of man's wisdom may be traced
back to the eternal questions of beginnings and endings, the quest to give
meaning to his existence, to life itself.
-- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 193
%
A comment on schedules:
 Ok, how long will it take?    
   For each manager involved in initial meetings add one month.
   For each manager who says "data flow analysis" add another month.
   For each unique end-user type add one month.
   For each unknown software package to be employed add two months.
   For each unknown hardware device add two months.
   For each 100 miles between developer and installation add one month.
   For each type of communication channel add one month.
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on a non-IBM
      system add 6 months.
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on an IBM
      system add 9 months.
Round up to the nearest half-year.
--Brad Sherman
By the way, ALL software projects are done by iterative prototyping.
Some companies call their prototypes "releases", that's all.
%
    UNIX Shell is the Best Fourth Generation Programming Language

    It is the UNIX shell that makes it possible to do applications in a small 
    fraction of the code and time it takes in third generation languages.  In 
    the shell you process whole files at a time, instead of only a line at a 
    time.  And, a line of code in the UNIX shell is one or more programs,
    which do more than pages of instructions in a 3GL.  Applications can be
    developed in hours and days, rather than months and years with traditional
    systems.  Most of the other 4GLs available today look more like COBOL or
    RPG, the most tedious of the third generation lanaguages.

"UNIX Relational Database Management:  Application Development in the UNIX 
 Environment" by Rod Manis, Evan Schaffer, and Robert Jorgensen.  Prentice
 Hall Software Series.  Brian Kerrighan, Advisor.  1988.
%
"Laugh while you can, monkey-boy."
-- Dr. Emilio Lizardo
%
"Floggings will continue until morale improves."
-- anonymous flyer being distributed at Exxon USA
%
"Hey Ivan, check your six."
-- Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail
 of a Russian Su-27
%
"Free markets select for winning solutions."
-- Eric S. Raymond
%
"I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you'll-
like-what-we-give-you attitude.  I like commodity markets in which iron-and-
silicon hawkers know that they exist to provide fast toys for software types
like me to play with..."
-- Eric S. Raymond
%
"The urge to destroy is also a creative urge."
-- Bakunin
[ed. note - I would say: The urge to destroy may sometimes be a creative urge.]
%
"A commercial, and in some respects a social, doubt has been started within the
 last year or two, whether or not it is right to discuss so openly the security
 or insecurity of locks.  Many well-meaning persons suppose that the discus-
 sion respecting the means for baffling the supposed safety of locks offers a
 premium for dishonesty, by showing others how to be dishonest.  This is a fal-
 lacy.  Rogues are very keen in their profession, and already know much more
 than we can teach them respecting their several kinds of roguery.  Rogues knew
 a good deal about lockpicking long before locksmiths discussed it among them-
 selves, as they have lately done.  If a lock -- let it have been made in what-
 ever country, or by whatever maker -- is not so inviolable as it has hitherto
 been deemed to be, surely it is in the interest of *honest* persons to know
 this fact, because the *dishonest* are tolerably certain to be the first to
 apply the knowledge practically; and the spread of knowledge is necessary to
 give fair play to those who might suffer by ignorance.  It cannot be too ear-
 nestly urged, that an acquaintance with real facts will, in the end, be better
 for all parties."
-- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks, 
   published around 1850 
%
 In respect to lock-making, there can scarcely be such a thing as dishonesty 
 of intention: the inventor produces a lock which he honestly thinks will 
 possess such and such qualities; and he declares his belief to the world.
 If others differ from him in opinion concerning those qualities, it is open
 to them to say so; and the discussion, truthfully conducted, must lead to
 public advantage: the discussion stimulates curiosity, and curiosity stimu-
 lates invention.  Nothing but a partial and limited view of the question
 could lead to the opinion that harm can result: if there be harm, it will be
 much more than counterbalanced by good."
-- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks, 
   published around 1850.
%
"Wish not to seem, but to be, the best."
-- Aeschylus
%
"Survey says..."
-- Richard Dawson, weenie, on "Family Feud"
%
"Paul Lynde to block..."
-- a contestant on "Hollywood Squares"
%
"Little else matters than to write good code."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
To write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight.
-- stolen and paraphrased from William Safire
%
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward"
-- William E. Davidsen
%
"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy."
-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir
%
"Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!" he said to himself, and it became
a favourite saying of his later, and passed into a proverb. "You aren't nearly
through this adventure yet," he added, and that was pretty true as well.
-- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien, Chapter XII
%
"A dirty mind is a joy forever."
-- Randy Kunkee
%
"You can't teach seven foot."
-- Frank Layton, Utah Jazz basketball coach, when asked why he had recruited
   a seven-foot tall auto mechanic
%
"A car is just a big purse on wheels."
-- Johanna Reynolds
%
"History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions."
-- Ted Koppel
%
"Gozer the Gozerian:  As the duly appointed representative of the city,
county and state of New York, I hereby order you to cease all supernatural
activities at once and proceed immediately to your place of origin or
the nearest parallel dimension, whichever is nearest."
-- Ray (Dan Akyroyd, _Ghostbusters_
%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of a
new system.  For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by
the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders in
those who would gain by the new ones.
-- Machiavelli
%
God grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change,
The frustration to try to change things I cannot affect,
and the wisdom to tell the difference.
%
First as to speech.  That privilege rests upon the premise that
there is no proposition so uniformly acknowledged that it may not be
lawfully challenged, questioned, and debated.  It need not rest upon
the further premise that there are no propositions that are not
open to doubt; it is enough, even if there are, that in the end it is
worse to suppress dissent than to run the risk of heresy.  Hence it
has been again and again unconditionally proclaimed that there are
no limits to the privilege so far as words seek to affect only the hearers'
beliefs and not their conduct.  The trouble is that conduct is almost
always based upon some belief, and that to change the hearer's belief
will generally to some extent change his conduct, and may even evoke
conduct that the law forbids.

[cf. Learned Hand, The Spirit of Liberty, University of Chicago Press, 1952;
The Art and Craft of Judging: The Decisions of Judge Learned Hand,
edited and annotated by Hershel Shanks, The MacMillian Company, 1968.]
%
The late rebellion in Massachusetts has given more alarm than I think it 
should have done.  Calculate that one rebellion in 13 states in the course 
of 11 years, is but one for each state in a century and a half.  No country 
should be so long without one.
-- Thomas Jefferson in letter to James Madison, 20 December 1787
%
"Nine years of ballet, asshole."
-- Shelly Long, to the bad guy after making a jump over a gorge that he
   couldn't quite, in "Outrageous Fortune"
%
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.
%
"If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's
 hairdo go down?"
-- Robin Williams
%
8)   Use common sense in routing cable.  Avoid wrapping coax around sources of
     strong electric or magnetic fields.  Do not wrap the cable around
     flourescent light ballasts or cyclotrons, for example.
-- Ethernet Headstart Product, Information and Installation Guide,
   Bell Technologies, pg. 11
%
"What a wonder is USENET; such wholesale production of conjecture from
such a trifling investment in fact."
-- Carl S. Gutekunst
%
VMS must die!
%
MS-DOS must die!
%
OS/2 must die!
%
Pournelle must die!
%
Garbage In, Gospel Out
%
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a multipartisan thing."
-- Karl Lehenbauer, as amended by Jeff Daiell, a Libertarian
%
"Facts are stupid things."
-- President Ronald Reagan 
   (a blooper from his speeach at the '88 GOP convention)
%
"The argument that the literal story of Genesis can qualify as science
collapses on three major grounds: the creationists' need to invoke
miracles in order to compress the events of the earth's history into
the biblical span of a few thousand years; their unwillingness to 
abandon claims clearly disproved, including the assertion that all
fossils are products of Noah's flood; and their reliance upon distortion,
misquote, half-quote, and citation out of context to characterize the
ideas of their opponents."
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Winter 87/88, pg. 186
%
"An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code."
-- an anonymous programmer
%
"To IBM, 'open' means there is a modicum of interoperability among some of their
equipment."
-- Harv Masterson
%
"Just think of a computer as hardware you can program."
-- Nigel de la Tierre
%
"If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time
 serving it..."
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, _The Forbidden Tower_
%
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"Card readers?  We don't need no stinking card readers."
-- Peter da Silva (at the National Academy of Sciencies, 1965, in a
   particularly vivid fantasy)
%
Your good nature will bring unbounded happiness.
%
Semper Fi, dude.
%
Excitement and danger await your induction to tracer duty!  As a tracer,
you must rid the computer networks of slimy, criminal data thieves.
They are tricky and the action gets tough, so watch out!  Utilizing all
your skills, you'll either get your man or you'll get burned!
-- advertising for the computer game "Tracers"
%
"An entire fraternity of strapping Wall-Street-bound youth.  Hell - this
is going to be a blood bath!"
-- Post Bros. Comics
%
"Neighbors!!  We got neighbors!  We ain't supposed to have any neighbors, and
I just had to shoot one."
-- Post Bros. Comics
%
"Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!"
-- Post Bros. Comics
%
interlard - vt., to intersperse; diversify
-- Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language
%
"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it."
-- Mark Twain
%
"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
   "FIFTEEN!!  YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
%
"If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files."
-- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed "rm -i *" to
   get rid of a file named "-f" on a Unix system.
%
"The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral
crisis, preserved their neutrality."
-- Dante
%
"The medium is the message."
-- Marshall McLuhan
%
"The medium is the massage."
-- Crazy Nigel
%
"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."
-- Vince Lombardi, football coach
%
"It might help if we ran the MBA's out of Washington."
-- Admiral Grace Hopper
%
Refreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
The sprung doors parted and I staggered out into the lobby's teak and flicker.
Uniformed men stood by impassively like sentries in their trench.  I slapped
my key on the desk and nodded gravely.  I was loaded enough to be unable to
tell whether they could tell I was loaded.  Would they mind?  I was certainly
too loaded to care.  I moved to the door with boxy, schlep-shouldered strides.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
I ask only one thing.  I'm understanding.  I'm mature.  And it isn't much to
ask.  I want to get back to London, and track her down, and be alone with my
Selina -- or not even alone, damn it, merely close to her, close enough to
smell her skin, to see the flecked webbing of her lemony eyes, the moulding
of her artful lips.  Just for a few precious seconds.  Just long enough to
put in one good, clean punch.  That's all I ask.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
"Love may fail, but courtesy will previal."
-- A Kurt Vonnegut fan
%
New York is a jungle, they tell you.  You could go further, and say that
New York is a jungle.  New York *is a jungle.*  Beneath the columns of
the old rain forest, made of melting macadam, the mean Limpopo of swamped 
Ninth Avenue bears an angry argosy of crocs and dragons, tiger fish, noise
machines, sweating rainmakers.  On the corners stand witchdoctors and
headhunters, babbling voodoo-men -- the natives, the jungle-smart natives.
And at night, under the equatorial overgrowth and heat-holding cloud
cover, you hear the ragged parrot-hoot and monkeysqueak of the sirens,
and then fires flower to ward off monsters.  Careful: the streets are
sprung with pits and nets and traps.  Hire a guide.  Pack your snakebite
gook and your blowdart serum.  Take it seriously.  You have to get a
bit jungle-wise.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
Now I was heading, in my hot cage, down towards meat-market country on the
tip of the West Village.  Here the redbrick warehouses double as carcass
galleries and rat hives, the Manhattan fauna seeking its necessary
level, living or dead.  Here too you find the heavy faggot hangouts,
The Spike, the Water Closet, the Mother Load.  Nobody knows what goes on
in these places.  Only the heavy faggots know.  Even Fielding seems somewhat 
vague on the question.  You get zapped and flogged and dumped on -- by
almost anybody's standards, you have a really terrible time.  The average
patron arrives at the Spike in one taxi but needs to go back to his sock
in two.  And then the next night he shows up for more.  They shackle 
themselves to racks, they bask in urinals.  Their folks have a lot of
explaining to do, if you want my opinion, particularly the mums.  Sorry
to single you ladies out like this but the story must start somewhere.  
A craving for hourly murder -- it can't be willed.  In the meantime,
Fielding tells me, Mother Nature looks on and taps her foot and clicks
her tongue.  Always a champion of monogamy, she is cooking up some fancy
new diseases.  She just isn't going to stand for it.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
"You tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks,
 but now you find out you have a habit that sticks,
 you're an orgasm addict,
 you're always at it,
 and you're an orgasm addict."
-- The Buzzcocks
%
"There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."
-- Mark Twain
%
"You'll pay to know what you really think."
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
%
"We live, in a very kooky time."
-- Herb Blashtfalt
%
"Pull the wool over your own eyes!"
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
%
"Okay," Bobby said, getting the hang of it, "then what's the matrix?  If
she's a deck, and Danbala's a program, what's cyberspace?"
  "The world," Lucas said.
-- William Gibson, _Count Zero_
%
"Our reruns are better than theirs."
-- Nick at Nite
%
Life is a game.  Money is how we keep score.
-- Ted Turner
%
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
-- The Wizard Of Oz
%
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
-- Karl, as he stepped behind the computer to reboot it, during a FAT
%
"It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us in trouble.  It's the
things we know that ain't so."
-- Artemus Ward aka Charles Farrar Brown
%
"Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense."
-- jvh@clinet.FI
%
"In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble."
-- Alan Perlis
%
"Pok pok pok, P'kok!"
-- Superchicken
%
Live Free or Live in Massachusettes.
%
"You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information
isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"What people have been reduced to are mere 3-D representations of their own 
data."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"The Avis WIZARD decides if you get to drive a car. Your head won't touch the
pillow of a Sheraton unless their computer says it's okay."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"They know your name, address, telephone number, credit card numbers, who ELSE
is driving the car "for insurance", ...  your driver's license number. In the
state of Massachusetts, this is the same number as that used for Social
Security, unless you object to such use. In THAT case, you are ASSIGNED a
number and you reside forever more on the list of "weird people who don't give
out their Social Security Number in Massachusetts."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"Data is a lot like humans:  It is born.  Matures.  Gets married to other data,
divorced. Gets old.  One thing that it doesn't do is die.  It has to be killed."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"People should have access to the data which you have about them.  There should
 be a process for them to challenge any inaccuracies."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"Although Poles suffer official censorship, a pervasive secret
police and laws similar to those in the USSR, there are
thousands of underground publications, a legal independent
Church, private agriculture, and the East bloc's first and only
independent trade union federation, NSZZ Solidarnosc, which is
an affiliate of both the International Confederation of Free
Trade Unions and the World Confederation of Labor.  There is
literally a world of difference between Poland - even in its
present state of collapse - and Soviet society at the peak of
its "glasnost."  This difference has been maintained at great
cost by the Poles since 1944.
-- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a
   gateway from EARN (Eurpoean Academic Research Network)
   to Poland
%
"There is also a thriving independent student movement in
Poland, and thus there is a strong possibility (though no
guarantee) of making an EARN-Poland link, should it ever come
about, a genuine link - not a vacuum cleaner attachment for a
Bloc information gathering apparatus rationed to trusted
apparatchiks."
-- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a
   gateway from EARN (Eurpoean Academic Research Network)
   to Poland
%
"Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture,
an intransigent mind, and a step that travels unlimited roads."
-- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
%
Don't panic.
%
The bug stops here.
%
The bug starts here.
%
"Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same
entropy to create bugs instead?"
-- Steve Elias
%
"The pathology is to want control, not that you ever get it, because of
course you never do."
-- Gregory Bateson
%
"Your butt is mine."
-- Michael Jackson, Bad
%
Ship it.
%
"Once they go up, who cares where they come down?  That's not my department."
-- Werner von Braun
%
"When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if
it were a nail."
-- Abraham Maslow
%
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
-- The New Mighty Mouse
%
"The lesser of two evils -- is evil."
-- Seymour (Sy) Leon
%
"It's no sweat, Henry.  Russ made it back to Bugtown before he died.  So he'll
regenerate in a couple of days.  It's just awful sloppy of him to get killed in
the first place.  Humph!"
-- Ron Post, Post Brothers Comics
%
"An honest god is the noblest work of man.  ... God has always resembled his
creators.  He hated and loved what they hated and loved and he was invariably
found on the side of those in power. ... Most of the gods were pleased with
sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine
perfume."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"We are not endeavoring to chain the future but to free the present. ... We are
the advocates of inquiry, investigation, and thought. ... It is grander to think
and investigate for yourself than to repeat a creed. ... I look for the day
when *reason*, throned upon the world's brains, shall be the King of Kings and
the God of Gods.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"I honestly believe that the doctrine of hell was born in the glittering eyes
of snakes that run in frightful coils watching for their prey.  I believe
it was born with the yelping, howling, growling and snarling of wild beasts...
I despise it, I defy it, and I hate it."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"Is this foreplay?"
   "No, this is Nuke Strike.  Foreplay has lousy graphics.  Beat me again."
-- Duckert, in "Bad Rubber," Albedo #0 (comics)
%
egrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast deterministic
algorithm that sometimes needs exponential space.
-- unix manuals
%
"A mind is a terrible thing to have leaking out your ears."
-- The League of Sadistic Telepaths
%
"Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative."
-- Peter da Silva
%
If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?
%
"I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow,
or I'll have your guts for spaghetti."
-- a comic panel by Cotham 
%
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-- Will Rogers
%
"An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt."
-- a saying at RPI
%
"The geeks shall inherit the earth."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
"Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers."
-- Chip Salzenberg
%
"Elvis is my copilot."
-- Cal Keegan
%
"The fundamental principle of science, the definition almost, is this: the
sole test of the validity of any idea is experiment."
-- Richard P. Feynman
%
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
   Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?
%
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart 
and rich."
-- Calvin Keegan
%
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so
certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
-- Bertrand Russell
%
Always look over your shoulder because everyone is watching and plotting
against you.
%
"Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us."
-- militant religionists everywhere
%
Baby On Board.
%
"The net result is a system that is not only binary compatible with 4.3 BSD,
but is even bug for bug compatible in almost all features."
-- Avadit Tevanian, Jr., "Architecture-Independent Virtual Memory Management
   for Parallel and Distributed Environments:  The Mach Approach"
%
"The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected."
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972
%
"Engineering without management is art."
-- Jeff Johnson
%
"I'm not a god, I was misquoted."
-- Lister, Red Dwarf
%
Brain off-line, please wait.
%
-- 
-- uunet!sugar!karl  | "We've been following your progress with considerable 
-- karl@sugar.uu.net |  interest, not to say contempt."  -- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
-- Usenet BBS (713) 438-5018



th-th-th-th-That's all, folks!

----------- cut here, don't forget to strip junk at the end, too -------------
"Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!"
-- Zippy
%
Are you having fun yet?
%
"The vast majority of successful major crimes against property are
perpetrated by individuals abusing positions of trust."
-- Lawrence Dalzell
%
"Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light of
what is known about the ubiquity of security vulnerabilities, it seems vastly
too dangerous for university folks to run with their heads in the sand."
-- Peter G. Neumann, RISKS moderator, about the Internet virus
%
"Seed me, Seymour"
-- a random number generator meets the big green mother from outer space
%
"Buy land.  They've stopped making it."
-- Mark Twain
%
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
-- Dave Bowman, 2001
%
"There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of
pure chance..."
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%
...Saure really turns out to be an adept at the difficult art of papryomancy,
the ability to prophesy through contemplating the way people roll reefers -
the shape, the licking pattern, the wrinkles and folds or absence thereof
in the paper.  "You will soon be in love," sez Saure, "see, this line here."
"It's long, isn't it?  Does that mean --" "Length is usually intensity.
Not time."
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%
Go ahead, capitalize the T on technology, deify it if it will make you feel
less responsible -- but it puts you in with the neutered, brother, in with
the eunuchs keeping the harem of our stolen Earth for the numb and joyless
hardons of human sultans, human elite with no right at all to be where they
are --"
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%
...the prevailing Catholic odor - incense, wax, centuries of mild bleating
from the lips of the flock.
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%
...At that time [the 1960s], Bell Laboratories scientists projected that
computer speeds as high as 30 million floating-point calculations per
second (megaflops) would be needed for the Army's ballistic missile
defense system.  Many computer experts -- including a National Academy
of Sciences panel -- said achieving such speeds, even using multiple
processors, was impossible.  Today, new generation supercomputers operate
at billions of operations per second (gigaflops).
-- Aviation Week & Space Technology, May 9, 1988, "Washington Roundup", pg 13
%
Shit Happens.
%
backups: always in season, never out of style.
%
"There was a vague, unpleasant manginess about his appearence; he somehow
seemed dirty, though a close glance showed him as carefully shaven as an
actor, and clad in immaculate linen."
-- H.L. Mencken, on the death of William Jennings Bryan
%
Work was impossible.  The geeks had broken my spirit.  They had done too
many things wrong.  It was never like this for Mencken.  He lived like
a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker
than Judas on others.  It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these
raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City", _Generation of Swine_
%
"This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon."
-- Ronald Reagan, "People" magazine, December 26, 1985
%
... The cable had passed us by; the dish was the only hope, and eventually
we were all forced to turn to it.  By the summer of '85, the valley had more
satellite dishes per capita than an Eskimo village on the north slope of
Alaska.

Mine was one of the last to go in.  I had been nervous from the start about
the hazards of too much input, which is a very real problem with these
things.  Watching TV becomes a full-time job when you can scan 200 channels
all day and all night and still have the option of punching Night Dreams
into the video machine, if the rest of the world seems dull.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Full-time scrambling", _Generation of Swine_
%
"Call immediately.  Time is running out.  We both need to do something
monstrous before we die."
-- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson
%
"The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down."
-- H.L. Mencken
%
"You don't go out and kick a mad dog.  If you have a mad dog with rabies, you
take a gun and shoot him."
-- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar Kadhafy
%
David Brinkley: The daily astrological charts are precisely where, in my
  judgment, they belong, and that is on the comic page.
George Will:  I don't think astrology belongs even on the comic pages.
  The comics are making no truth claim.
Brinkley:  Where would you put it?
Will:  I wouldn't put it in the newspaper.  I think it's transparent rubbish.
  It's a reflection of an idea that we expelled from Western thought in the
  sixteenth century, that we are in the center of a caring universe.  We are
  not the center of the universe, and it doesn't care.  The star's alignment
  at the time of our birth -- that is absolute rubbish.  It is not funny to
  have it intruded among people who have nuclear weapons.
Sam Donaldson:  This isn't something new.  Governor Ronald Reagan was sworn
  in just after midnight in his first term in Sacramento because the stars
  said it was a propitious time.
Will:  They [horoscopes] are utter crashing banalities.  They could apply to
  anyone and anything.
Brinkley:  When is the exact moment [of birth]?  I don't think the nurse is
  standing there with a stopwatch and a notepad.
Donaldson:  If we're making decisions based on the stars -- that's a cockamamie
  thing.  People want to know.
-- "This Week" with David Brinkley, ABC Television, Sunday, May 8, 1988,
   excerpts from a discussion on Astrology and Reagan
%
The reported resort to astrology in the White House has occasioned much
merriment.  It is not funny.  Astrological gibberish, which means astrology
generally, has no place in a newspaper, let alone government.  Unlike comics,
which are part of a newspaper's harmless pleasure and make no truth claims,
astrology is a fraud.  The idea that it gets a hearing in government is
dismaying.
-- George Will, Washing Post Writers Group
%
Astrology is the sheerest hokum.  This pseudoscience has been around since
the day of the Chaldeans and Babylonians.  It is as phony as numerology,
phrenology, palmistry, alchemy, the reading of tea leaves, and the practice
of divination by the entrails of a goat.  No serious person will buy the
notion that our lives are influenced individually by the movement of
distant planets.  This is the sawdust blarney of the carnival midway.
-- James J. Kilpatrick, Universal Press Syndicate
%
A serious public debate about the validity of astrology?  A serious believer
in the White House?  Two of them?  Give me a break.  What stifled my laughter
is that the image fits.  Reagan has always exhibited a fey indifference toward
science.  Facts, like numbers, roll off his back.  And we've all come to
accept it.  This time it was stargazing that became a serious issue....Not
that long ago, it was Reagan's support of Creationism....Creationists actually
got equal time with evolutionists.  The public was supposed to be open-minded
to the claims of paleontologists and fundamentalists, as if the two were
scientific colleagues....It has been clear for a long time that the president
is averse to science...In general, these attitudes fall onto friendly American
turf....But at the outer edges, this skepticism about science easily turns
into a kind of naive acceptance of nonscience, or even nonsense.  The same
people who doubt experts can also believe any quackery, from the benefits of
laetrile to eye of newt to the movment of planets.  We lose the capacity to
make rational -- scientific -- judgments.  It's all the same.
-- Ellen Goodman, The Boston Globe Newspaper Company-Washington Post Writers 
    Group
%
The spectacle of astrology in the White House -- the governing center of
the world's greatest scientific and military power -- is so appalling that
it defies understanding and provides grounds for great fright.  The easiest
response is to laugh it off, and to indulge in wisecracks about Civil
Service ratings for horoscope makers and palm readers and whether Reagan
asked Mikhail Gorbachev for his sign.  A contagious good cheer is the
hallmark of this presidency, even when the most dismal matters are concerned.
But this time, it isn't funny.  It's plain scary.
-- Daniel S. Greenberg, Editor, _Science and Government Report_, writing in
   "Newsday", May 5, 1988
%
[Astrology is] 100 percent hokum, Ted.  As a matter of fact, the first edition
of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, written in 1771 -- 1771! -- said that this
belief system is a subject long ago ridiculed and reviled.  We're dealing with
beliefs that go back to the ancient Babylonians.  There's nothing there....
It sounds a lot like science, it sounds like astronomy.  It's got technical
terms.  It's got jargon.  It confuses the public....The astrologer is quite
glib, confuses the public, uses terms which come from science, come from
metaphysics, come from a host of fields, but they really mean nothing.  The
fact is that astrological beliefs go back at least 2,500 years.  Now that
should be a sufficiently long time for astrologers to prove their case.  They
have not proved their case....It's just simply gibberish.  The fact is, there's
no theory for it, there are no observational data for it.  It's been tested
and tested over the centuries.  Nobody's ever found any validity to it at
all.  It is not even close to a science.  A science has to be repeatable, it
has to have a logical foundation, and it has to be potentially vulnerable --
you test it.  And in that astrology is reqlly quite something else.
-- Astronomer Richard Berendzen, President, American University, on ABC
    News "Nightline," May 3, 1988
%
Even if we put all these nagging thoughts [four embarrassing questions about
astrology] aside for a moment, one overriding question remains to be asked.
Why would the positions of celestial objects at the moment of birth have an
effect on our characters, lives, or destinies?  What force or influence,
what sort of energy would travel from the planets and stars to all human
beings and affect our development or fate?  No amount of scientific-sounding
jargon or computerized calculations by astrologers can disguise this central
problem with astrology -- we can find no evidence of a mechanism by which
celestial objects can influence us in so specific and personal a way. . . .
Some astrologers argue that there may be a still unknown force that represents
the astrological influence. . . .If so, astrological predictions -- like those
of any scientific field -- should be easily tested. . . . Astrologers always
claim to be just a little too busy to carry out such careful tests of their
efficacy, so in the last two decades scientists and statisticians have
generously done such testing for them.  There have been dozens of well-designed
tests all around the world, and astrology has failed every one of them. . . .
I propose that we let those beckoning lights in the sky awaken our interest
in the real (and fascinating) universe beyond our planet, and not let them
keep us tied to an ancient fantasy left over from a time when we huddled by
the firelight, afraid of the night.
-- Andrew Fraknoi, Executive Officer, Astronomical Society of the Pacific,
    "Why Astrology Believers Should Feel Embarrassed," San Jose Mercury
    News, May 8, 1988
%
With the news that Nancy Reagan has referred to an astrologer when planning
her husband's schedule, and reports of Californians evacuating Los Angeles
on the strength of a prediction from a sixteenth-century physician and
astrologer Michel de Notredame, the image of the U.S. as a scientific and
technological nation has taking a bit of a battering lately.  Sadly, such
happenings cannot be dismissed as passing fancies.  They are manifestations
of a well-established "anti-science" tendency in the U.S. which, ultimately,
could threaten the country's position as a technological power. . . .  The
manifest widespread desire to reject rationality and substitute a series
of quasirandom beliefs in order to understand the universe does not augur
well for a nation deeply concerned about its ability to compete with its
industrial equals.  To the degree that it reflects the thinking of a 
significant section of the public, this point of view encourages ignorance
of and, indeed, contempt for science and for rational methods of approaching
truth. . . . It is becoming clear that if the U.S. does not pick itself up
soon and devote some effort to educating the young effectively, its hope of
maintaining a semblance of leadership in the world may rest, paradoxically,
with a new wave of technically interested and trained immigrants who do not
suffer from the anti-science disease rampant in an apparently decaying society.
-- Physicist Tony Feinberg, in "New Scientist," May 19, 1988
%
miracle:  an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.
-- Webster's Dictionary
%
"The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone
 is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be
 created in the form of computer programs."
-- Joseph Weizenbaum, _Computer Power and Human Reason_
%
"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong."
-- Norm Schryer
%
"May your future be limited only by your dreams."
-- Christa McAuliffe
%
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
coming up it."
-- Henry Allen
%
"Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of
watching television."
-- Cal Keegan
%
Eat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong.
%
"We never make assertions, Miss Taggart," said Hugh Akston.  "That is
the moral crime peculiar to our enemies.  We do not tell -- we *show*.
We do not claim -- we *prove*."  
-- Ayn Rand, _Atlas Shrugged_
%
"I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and
 my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes."
-- George Carlin
%
"My father?  My father left when I was quite young.  Well actually, he
 was asked to leave.  He had trouble metabolizing alcohol."
 -- George Carlin
%
"I turn on my television set.  I see a young lady who goes under the guise
of being a Christian, known all over the nation, dressed in skin-tight
leather pants, shaking and wiggling her hips to the beat and rythm of the
music as the strobe lights beat their patterns across the stage and the
band plays the contemporary rock sound which cannot be differentiated from
songs by the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, or anyone else.  And you may try
to tell me this is of God and that it is leading people to Christ, but I
know better.
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocritical sexual pervert and TV preacher, self-described
 pornography addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", 
 The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
%
"So-called Christian rock. . . . is a diabolical force undermining Christianity
 from within."
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocrite and TV preacher, self-described pornography addict,
 "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
%
"Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of
course, living in a state of sin."
-- John Von Neumann
%
"You must have an IQ of at least half a million."  -- Popeye
%
"Freedom is still the most radical idea of all."
-- Nathaniel Branden
%
Aren't you glad you're not getting all the government you pay for now?
%
"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."
-- Mark Twain
%
These screamingly hilarious gogs ensure owners of     X Ray Gogs to be the life
of any party.
-- X-Ray Gogs Instructions
%
A student asked the master for help... does this program run from the
Workbench? The master grabbed the mouse and pointed to an icon. "What is
this?" he asked. The student replied "That's the mouse". The master pressed
control-Amiga-Amiga and hit the student on the head with the Amiga ROM Kernel
Manual.
-- Amiga Zen Master Peter da Silva
%
"Thank heaven for startups; without them we'd never have any advances."
-- Seymour Cray
%
"Out of register space (ugh)"
-- vi
%
"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor
of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated,
it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community."
                                        - Oscar Wilde
%
"Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk.
-- Codoso diBlini
%
"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by mean of zeal,
well-meaning but without understanding."
-- Justice Louis O. Brandeis (Olmstead vs. United States)
%
"'Tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true."
-- Poloniouius, in Willie the Shake's _Hamlet, Prince of Darkness_

%
"All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in.  I'm glad they
are a snowman with protective rubber skin" 
-- They Might Be Giants
%
"Indecision is the basis of flexibility"
-- button at a Science Fiction convention.
%
"Sometimes insanity is the only alternative"
-- button at a Science Fiction convention.
%
"Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time."
-- a coffee cup
%
"The most important thing in a man is not what he knows, but what he is."
-- Narciso Yepes
%
"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another."
-- Ortega y Gasset
%
"We will be better and braver if we engage and inquire than if we indulge in
the idle fancy that we already know -- or that it is of no use seeking to
know what we do not know."
-- Plato
%
"To undertake a project, as the word's derivation indicates, means to cast an
idea out ahead of oneself so that it gains autonomy and is fulfilled not only
by the efforts of its originator but, indeed, independently of him as well.
-- Czeslaw Milosz
%
"We cannot put off living until we are ready.  The most salient characteristic
of life is its coerciveness; it is always urgent, "here and now," without any
possible postponement.  Life is fired at us point blank."
-- Ortega y Gasset
%
"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere."
-- Dr. Seuss
%
"When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest."
-- Bullwinkle Moose

%
Remember, an int is not always 16 bits.  I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is one
step closer to Intel's slugfest with the CPU curve that is aymptotically
approaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by
some Unix vendors...?
-- Derek Terveer
%
"Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything
you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to
insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be,
be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to
insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as 
your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be
yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this
thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen."

Madrak, in _Creatures of Light and Darkness_, by Roger Zelazny
%
"An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful
if there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid
in the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise
but made him happy.
Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation."
-- Sam Weber
%
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
%
"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were
 Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers."
-- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" 
    is so nice
%
"Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode."
-- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs
%
"Why can't we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without having
a 'War' on it?" -- Rich Thomson, talk.politics.misc
%
      ...and before I knew what I was doing, I had kicked the
      typewriter and threw it around the room and made it beg for
      mercy.  At this point the typewriter pleaded for me to dress
      him in feminine attire but instead I pressed his margin release
      over and over again until the typewriter lost consciousness.
      Presently, I regained consciousness and realized with shame what
      I had done.  My shame is gone and now I am looking for a
      submissive typewriter, any color, or model.  No electric
      typewriters please!
                        --Rick Kleiner
%
Professional wrestling:  ballet for the common man.
%
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a
cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." - H.L. Mencken
%
   "Are those cocktail-waitress fingernail marks?"  I asked Colletti as he
showed us these scratches on his chest.  "No, those are on my back," Colletti
answered.  "This is where a case of cocktail shrimp fell on me.  I told her
to slow down a little, but you know cocktail waitresses, they seem to have
a mind of their own."
-- The Incredibly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs
   National Lampoon, October 1982
%
"Never give in.  Never give in.  Never. Never. Never."
-- Winston Churchill
%
"Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance."
-- Cal Keegan
%
"Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief
or dogma.  It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is
counterfeit and what is genuine.  And a recognition of how costly it may
be to fail to do so.  To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in
the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one'w own
allegiances.  To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim.
-- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility,"
 New York Skeptic (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.), Spring 1988
%
"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead
stuff."
-- Dave Enyeart
%
"After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn't wait to go back to the United 
States.  Everything was much more pleasant in the United States, because of
the mentality of being open-minded, always positive.  Everything you want to
do in Europe is just, 'No way.  No one has ever done it.'  They haven't any
more the desire to go out to conquer and achieve -- I realized that I had much
more the American spirit."
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
%
"I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest."
-- Alexandre Dumas (fils)
%
	Well, punk is kind of anti-ethical, anyway.  Its ethics, so to speak,
include a disdain for ethics in general.  If you have to think about some-
thing so hard, then it's bullshit anyway; that's the idea.  Punks are anti-
ismists, to coin a term.  But nonetheless, they have a pretty clearly defined
stance and image, and THAT is what we hang the term `punk' on.
-- Jeff G. Bone
%
	I think for the most part that the readership here uses the c-word in
a similar fashion.  I don't think anybody really believes in a new, revolution-
ary literature --- I think they use `cyberpunk' as a term of convenience to
discuss the common stylistic elements in a small subset of recent sf books.
-- Jeff G. Bone
%
	So we get to my point.  Surely people around here read things that
aren't on the *Officially Sanctioned Cyberpunk Reading List*.  Surely we
don't (any of us) really believe that there is some big, deep political and
philosophical message in all this, do we?  So if this `cyberpunk' thing is
just a term of convenience, how can somebody sell out?  If cyberpunk is just a
word we use to describe a particular style and imagery in sf, how can it be
dead?  Where are the profound statements that the `Movement' is or was trying
to make?
	I think most of us are interested in examining and discussing literary
(and musical) works that possess a certain stylistic excellence and perhaps a
rather extreme perspective; this is what CP is all about, no?  Maybe there 
should be a newsgroup like, say, alt.postmodern or somthing.  Something less
restrictive in scope than alt.cyberpunk.
-- Jeff G. Bone
%
"Everyone's head is a cheap movie show."
-- Jeff G. Bone
%
Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined.  In fact, there are very few 
concepts that aren't.  It's hard to think of any in non-technical fields.  
-- Daniel Kimberg
%
...cyberpunk wants to see the mind as mechanistic & duplicable,
challenging basic assumptions about the nature of individuality & self.
That seems all the better reason to assume that cyberpunk art & music is
essentially mindless garbagio. Willy certainly addressed this idea in
"Count Zero," with Katatonenkunst, the automatic box-maker and the girl's
observation that the real art was the building of the machine itself, 
rather than its output.
-- Eliot Handelman
%
It might be worth reflecting that this group was originally created
back in September of 1987 and has exchanged over 1200 messages.  The
original announcement for the group called for an all inclusive
discussion ranging from the writings of Gibson and Vinge and movies
like Bladerunner to real world things like Brands' description of the
work being done at the MIT Media Lab.  It was meant as a haven for
people with vision of this scope.  If you want to create a haven for
people with narrower visions, feel free.  But I feel sad for anyone
who thinks that alt.cyberpunk is such a monstrous group that it is in
dire need of being subdivided.  Heaven help them if they ever start
reading comp.arch or rec.arts.sf-lovers.
-- Bob Webber
%
...I don't care for the term 'mechanistic'. The word 'cybernetic' is a lot
more apropos. The mechanistic world-view is falling further and further behind
the real world where even simple systems can produce the most marvellous
chaos. 
-- Peter da Silva
%
As for the basic assumptions about individuality and self, this is the core
of what I like about cyberpunk. And it's the core of what I like about certain
pre-gibson neophile techie SF writers that certain folks here like to put
down. Not everyone makes the same assumptions. I haven't lost my mind... it's
backed up on tape.
-- Peter da Silva
%
Who are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show?  Wavefront's latest box, or 
the people who programmed it?  Should Mandelbrot get all the credit for the 
output of programs like MandelVroom?
-- Peter da Silva
%
Trailing Edge Technologies is pleased to announce the following
TETflame programme:

1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming
   representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of
   your choice. The price is inversly proportional to how much of
   an asshole the target it. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis
   Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free.

2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme
   is offering ``flame insurence''. Under this arrangement, if
   one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending
   article and flame the flamer, to a crisp.

3) The TETflame flaming representatives include: Richard Sexton, Oleg
   Kisalev, Diane Holt, Trish O'Tauma, Dave Hill, Greg Nowak and our most
   recent aquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his
   kill file. Weemba by special arrangement.

-- Richard Sexton
%
"As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of
 Genius; which to Angels look like torment and insanity.  I collected some of
 their Proverbs..." - Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"

%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1

proof by example:
	The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it 
	contains most of the ideas of the general proof.

proof by intimidation:
	'Trivial'.

proof by vigorous handwaving:
	Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 2

proof by cumbersome notation:
	Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special
	symbols.

proof by exhaustion:
	An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.

proof by omission:
	'The reader may easily supply the details'
	'The other 253 cases are analogous'
	'...' 

%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 3

proof by obfuscation:
	A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless 
	syntactically related statements.

proof by wishful citation:
	The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of 
	a theorem from the literature to support his claims.

proof by funding:
	How could three different government agencies be wrong?

proof by eminent authority:
	'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-
	complete.' 

%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 4

proof by personal communication:
	'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete 
	[Karp, personal communication].' 

proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
	'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is 
	decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.' 

proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
	The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found 
	in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian 
	Philological Society, 1883.

proof by importance:
	A large body of useful consequences all follow from the 
	proposition in question.
%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 5

proof by accumulated evidence:
	Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.

proof by cosmology:
	The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or 
	meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.

proof by mutual reference:
	In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in 
	reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in 
	reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in 
	reference A.

proof by metaproof:
	A method is given to construct the desired proof. The 
	correctness of the method is proved by any of these 
	techniques.
%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 6

proof by picture:
	A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well 
	with proof by omission.

proof by vehement assertion:
	It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the 
	audience.

proof by ghost reference:
	Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in 
	the reference given.

%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 7
proof by forward reference:
	Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, 
	which is often not as forthcoming as at first.

proof by semantic shift:
	Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed 
	for the statement of the result.

proof by appeal to intuition:
	Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
%
        [May one] doubt whether, in cheese and timber, worms are generated,
        or, if beetles and wasps, in cow-dung, or if butterflies, locusts,
        shellfish, snails, eels, and such life be procreated of putrefied
        matter, which is to receive the form of that creature to which it
        is by formative power disposed[?]  To question this is to question
        reason, sense, and experience.  If he doubts this, let him go to
        Egypt, and there he will find the fields swarming with mice begot
        of the mud of the Nylus, to the great calamity of the inhabitants.
                A seventeenth century opinion quoted by L. L. Woodruff,
                in *The Evolution of Earth and Man*, 1929
%
Seen on a button at an SF Convention:
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force.  1990-1951.
-- 
-- uunet!sugar!karl  | "We've been following your progress with considerable 
-- karl@sugar.uu.net |  interest, not to say contempt."  -- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
-- Usenet BBS (713) 438-5018


From karl@sugar.hackercorp.com Sat Apr 29 10:46:20 1989
From: karl@sugar.hackercorp.com (Karl Lehenbauer)
Subject: Fortune cookie file, part 07 of 06

Below is the latest addition to my fortune cookie file, 40212 bytes of mirth
and merriment.  

This file contains a lot of quotes from peoples' postings on Usenet.  After I 
had been doing this a while, I began including their net addresses as well.

Enjoy, or hit 'n'...

-------------------- cut it here, dude ------------------------------
%
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
then we are a sorry lot indeed."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is
the exact opposite."
-- Bertrand Russell, _Sceptical_Essays_, 1928
%
"Were there no women, men might live like gods."
-- Thomas Dekker
%
"Intelligence without character is a dangerous thing."
-- G. Steinem
%
"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then god is
dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
-- Frank Zappa
%
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
-- Cal Keegan
%
"Let me guess, Ed.  Pentescostal, right?"
-- Starcap'n Ra, ra@asuvax.asu.edu

"Nope.  Charismatic (I think - I've given up on what all those pesky labels
 mean)."
-- Ed Carp, erc@unisec.usi.com

"Same difference - all zeal and feel, averaging less than one working brain 
cell per congregation. Starcap'n Ra, you pegged him.  Good work!"
-- Kenn Barry, barry@eos.UUCP
%
"BTW, does Jesus know you flame?"
-- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp
%
"I've seen the forgeries I've sent out."
-- John F. Haugh II (jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US), about forging net news articles
%
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
%
"Bite off, dirtball."
Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
%
"Oh my!  An `inflammatory attitude' in alt.flame?  Never heard of such
a thing..."
-- Allen Gwinn, allen@sulaco.Sigma.COM
%
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
%
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality
at any point."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"Who alone has reason to *lie himself out* of actuality?  He who *suffers*
 from it."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?"
-- Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians
%
"Little prigs and three-quarter madmen may have the conceit that the laws of 
nature are constantly broken for their sakes."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"Science makes godlike -- it is all over with priests and gods when man becomes
 scientific.  Moral:  science is the forbidden as such -- it alone is 
 forbidden.  Science is the *first* sin, the *original* sin.  *This alone is
 morality.* ``Thou shalt not know'' -- the rest follows."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"Faith:  not *wanting* to know what is true."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
>One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative.

Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@Apple.COM 
%
"Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one idiot.
 Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's sometimes hard
 to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and
 pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits."
-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@apple.com, about Usenet
%
Backed up the system lately?
%
"It doesn't much signify whom one marries for one is sure to find out next 
morning it was someone else."
-- Rogers
%
"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."
-- Chekhov
%
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 
the ideal never goes unpunished."
-- Goethe
%
"In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved."
-- Butler
%
"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does 
woman want?'"
-- Sigmund Freud
%
"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
-- Mandelbrot, _The Fractal Geometry of Nature_
%
"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world,
 and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming
 feature.  They are all alike founded on fables and mythology."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
-- Dave Butler
%
"The preeminence of a learned man over a worshiper is equal to the preeminence
of the moon, at the night of the full moon, over all the stars.  Verily, the
learned men are the heirs of the Prophets."
-- A tradition attributed to Muhammad
%
"The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity."
-- Edward Gibbons, _The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_
%
"The question is rather: if we ever succeed in making a mind 'of nuts and
bolts', how will we know we have succeeded?
-- Fergal Toomey

"It will tell us."
-- Barry Kort
%
"Inquiry is fatal to certainty."
-- Will Durant
%
"The Mets were great in 'sixty eight,
 The Cards were fine in 'sixty nine,
 But the Cubs will be heavenly in nineteen and seventy."
-- Ernie Banks
%
"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. 
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas 
that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage
%
"I call Christianity the *one* great curse, the *one* great intrinsic 
depravity, the *one* great instinct for revenge for which no expedient
is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, *petty* -- I call it
the *one* mortal blemish of mankind."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"The fundamental purpose animating the Faith of God and His Religion is to
safeguard the interests and promote the unity of the human race, and to foster
the spirit of love and fellowship amongst men. Suffer it not to become a source
of dissension and discord, of hate and enmity."

"Religion is verily the chief instrument for the establishment of order in the
 world and of tranquillity amongst it's peoples...The greater the decline of
 religion, the more grievous the waywardness of the ungodly. This cannot but
 lead in the end to chaos and confusion."
-- Baha'u'llah, a selection from the Baha'i scripture
%
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
-- Blair Houghton
%
"...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs."
-- Robert Firth
%
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
should I do?

A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on believing
that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be the only one to
make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No time to lose, so
certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the
correction.

And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're the
only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform
the whole net right away!

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%
Q: How can I choose what groups to post in?  ...
Q: How about an example?

A: Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the
Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.

The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.  He is
a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)

You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group.
If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will
only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%
Q: I cant spell worth a dam.  I hope your going too tell me what to do?

A: Don't worry about how your articles look.  Remember it's the message
that counts, not the way it's presented.  Ignore the fact that sloppy
spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that
soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%
Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as the
Republican V.P. candidate.  Should I post?

A: Of course.  The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days.  It's
the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the
broadcast networks have covered them.  As you are probably the only person
to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as you can.

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?

A Dan Quayle watch.

-- heard from a Mike Dukakis field worker
%
Q:  What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer
    salesman?

A:  The car salesman can probably drive!

-- Joan McGalliard (jem@latcs1.oz.au)
%
"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
-- Dave Mack (mack@inco.UUCP)

"Yours is."
-- Allen Gwinn (allen@sulaco.sigma.com), in alt.flame
%
A selection from the Taoist Writings:

"Lao-Tan asked Confucius: `What do you mean by benevolence and righteousness?'
 Confucius said:  `To be in one's inmost heart in kindly sympathy with all 
 things; to love all men and allow no selfish thoughts: this is the nature
 of benevolence and righteousness.'"
-- Kwang-tzu
%
"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
-- Daniel Hinojosa (hinojosa@hp-sdd)
%
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
-- Claude Shouse (shouse@macomw.ARPA)

"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
-- Joseph C. Wang (joe@athena.mit.edu)
%
"Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will
fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines."
-- Bertrand Russell
%
"Lying lips are abomination to the Lord; but they that deal truly are his 
 delight.
 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto
 him.
 Be not a witness against thy neighbor without cause; and deceive not with 
 thy lips.
 Death and life are in the power of the tongue."
-- Proverbs, some selections from the Jewish Scripture
%
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." 
-- Matt Cartmill
%
Heisengberg might have been here.
%
"Any excuse will serve a tyrant."
-- Aesop
%
"Experience has proved that some people indeed know everything."
-- Russell Baker
%
How many Zen Buddhist does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.  One to change it and one not to change it.
%
"I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God."
-- Sean Doran the Younger
%
"If I do not want others to quote me, I do not speak."  
-- Phil Wayne
%
"my terminal is a lethal teaspoon."
-- Patricia O Tuama
%
"I am ... a woman ... and ... technically a parasitic uterine growth"
-- Sean Doran the Younger [allegedly]
%
"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
someone writes `bible thumpers?'
-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
%
"Money is the root of all money."
-- the moving finger
%
"...Greg Nowak:  `Another flame from greg' - need I say more?"
-- Jonathan D. Trudel, trudel@caip.rutgers.edu

"No.  You need to say less."
-- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
%
"And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic.  Just
because there are a few hunderd other people sharing your lunacy with you
does not make you any saner.  Doomed, eh?"
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU
%
"Obedience.  A religion of slaves.  A religion of intellectual death.  I like
it.  Don't ask questions, don't think, obey the Word of the Lord -- as it
has been conveniently brought to you by a man in a Rolls with a heavy Rolex
on his wrist.  I like that job!  Where can I sign up?"
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU
%
"Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a 
cockatoo."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and 
those inside desperate to get out."
-- Montaigne
%
"For a male and female to live continuously together is...  biologically 
speaking, an extremely unnatural condition."
-- Robert Briffault
%
"Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it."
-- Baskins
%
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
%
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
%
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is 
the triumph of hope over experience.
%
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
-- G. Fitch
%
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
-- Mark Twain
%
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have 
 included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.  This 
 technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's reign.  My 
 carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go by some more."
-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM, in alt.conspiracy
%
"If there isn't a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in 
the cigarettes?"
-- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970
%
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
 Lavoris in the toilet."
-- Comedian Jay Leno
%
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'"
-- Comedian Jay Leno
%
"Well hello there Charlie Brown, you blockhead."
-- Lucy Van Pelt
%
"Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so."
-- Ford Prefect, _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%
"Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"Let every man teach his son, teach his daughter, that labor is honorable."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"I have not the slightest confidence in 'spiritual manifestations.'"
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"It is hard to overstate the debt that we owe to men and women of genius."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"Joy is wealth and love is the legal tender of the soul."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"It is the creationists who blasphemously are claiming that God is cheating
 us in a stupid way."
-- J. W. Nienhuys
%
"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world.  I just wish 
 it wasn't this one."
-- Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, WATCHMEN 
%
"Be *excellent* to each other."
-- Bill, or Ted, in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
%
The Seventh Edition licensing procedures are, I suppose, still in effect, 
though I doubt that tapes are available from AT&T.  At any rate, whatever 
restrictions the license imposes still exist.  These restrictions were and 
are reasonable for places that just want to run the system, but don't allow 
many of the things that Minix was written for, like study of the source in 
classes, or by individuals not in a university or company.

I've always thought that Minix was a fine idea, and competently done.

As for the size of v7, wc -l /usr/sys/*/*.[chs] is 19271.

-- Dennis Ritchie, 1989
%
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." -- Alex Schure
%
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips
 over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."
--Matt Groening
%
"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-- Woody Allen
%
"The Street finds its own uses for technology."
-- William Gibson
%
"I see little divinity about them or you.  You talk to me of Christianity
when you are in the act of hanging your enemies.  Was there ever such
blasphemous nonsense!"
-- Shaw, "The Devil's Disciple"
%
"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
-- Ronald Reagan
%
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort,
he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion."
-- Mick Farren, _When Gravity Fails_
%
"Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feasts
most subtly on the human will."
-- Virginia Woolf, "Mrs. Dalloway"
%
It's time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are?
%
"What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying."
-- Nikita Khrushchev
%
"...a most excellent barbarian ... Genghis Kahn!"
-- _Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure_
%
"Pull the trigger and you're garbage."
-- Lady Blue
%
"Oh what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face..."
-- a prisoner in "Life of Brian"
%
"Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
of him that brought her birth."
-- Milton
%
"If you can't debate me, then there is no way in hell you'll out-insult me."
-- Scott Legrand (Scott.Legrand@hogbbs.Fidonet.Org)

"You may be wrong here, little one."
-- R. W. F. Clark (RWC102@PSUVM)
%
	"Yes, I am a real piece of work.  One thing we learn at Ulowell is
 how to flame useless hacking non-EE's like you.  I am superior to you in 
 every way by training and expertise in the technical field.  Anyone can learn
 how to hack, but Engineering doesn't come nearly as easily.  Actually, I'm 
 not trying to offend all you CS majors out there, but I think EE is one of the
 hardest majors/grad majors to pass.  Fortunately, I am making it."
-- "Warrior Diagnostics" (wardiag@sky.COM)

"Being both an EE and an asshole at the same time must be a terrible burden
 for you.  This isn't really a flame, just a casual observation.  Makes me
 glad I was a CS major, life is really pleasant for me.  Have fun with your 
 chosen mode of existence!"
-- Jim Morrison (morrisj@mist.cs.orst.edu)
%
"BYTE editors are men who seperate the wheat from the chaff, and then
 print the chaff."
-- Lionel Hummel (uiucdcs!hummel), derived from a quote by Adlai Stevenson, Sr.
%
		     THE "FUN WITH USENET" MANIFESTO
Very little happens on Usenet without some sort of response from some other 
reader.  Fun With Usenet postings are no exception.  Since there are some who 
might question the rationale of some of the excerpts included therein, I have 
written up a list of guidelines that sum up the philosophy behind these 
postings.

	One.  I never cut out words in the middle of a quote without a VERY 
good reason, and I never cut them out without including ellipses.  For 
instance, "I am not a goob" might become "I am ... a goob", but that's too 
mundane to bother with.  "I'm flame proof" might (and has) become 
"I'm ...a... p...oof" but that's REALLY stretching it.

	Two.  If I cut words off the beginning or end of a quote, I don't
put ellipses, but neither do I capitalize something that wasn't capitalized
before the cut. "I don't think that the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful
place" would turn into "the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful place".  Imagine
the posting as a tape-recording of the poster's thoughts.  If I can set
up the quote via fast-forwarding and stopping the tape, and without splicing,
I don't put ellipses in.  And by the way, I love using this mechanism for
turning things around.  If you think something stinks, say so - don't say you
don't think it's wonderful.   ...
-- D. J. McCarthy (dmccart@cadape.UUCP)
%
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
saftey deserve neither liberty not saftey."
-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
%
"I am, therefore I am."
-- Akira
%
"Stan and I thought that this experiment was so stupid, we decided to finance 
 it ourselves."
-- Martin Fleischmann, co-discoverer of room-temperature fusion (?)
%
"I have more information in one place than anybody in the world."  
-- Jerry Pournelle, an absurd notion, apparently about the BIX BBS
%
"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."
-- John Wooden
%
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\
			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\
			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))

-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%
"If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its 
 laws.  Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people 
 most of the time."
-- George Gerbner
%
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists
 in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress depends on 
 the unreasonable man."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"We want to create puppets that pull their own strings."
-- Ann Marion

"Would this make them Marionettes?"
-- Jeff Daiell
%
On the subject of C program indentation:
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented
 six feet downward and covered with dirt."
-- Blair P. Houghton
%
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, in
one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term that
the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the practice --
was `signing up.'  By signing up for the project you agreed to do whatever
was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if necessary, family,
hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left (and you might not, if
you had signed up too many times before).
-- Tracy Kidder, _The Soul of a New Machine_
%
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect "Hungry."
-- a Larson cartoon
%
"But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual.
 The look in a face, the music of a violin.  A Paris theater can be infused
 with the spiritual for all its solidity."
 -- Lestat, _The Vampire Lestat_, Anne Rice
%
"Love your country but never trust its government."
-- from a hand-painted road sign in central Pennsylvania
%
      I bought the latest computer;
      it came fully loaded.
      It was guaranteed for 90 days,
      but in 30 was outmoded!
        - The Wall Street Journal passed along by Big Red Computer's SCARLETT
%
To update Voltaire, "I may kill all msgs from you, but I'll fight for 
your right to post it, and I'll let it reside on my disks". 
-- Doug Thompson (doug@isishq.FIDONET.ORG)
%
"Though a program be but three lines long,
someday it will have to be maintained."
-- The Tao of Programming
%
"Turn on, tune up, rock out."
-- Billy Gibbons
%
         EARTH          
     smog  |   bricks  
 AIR  --  mud  --  FIRE
soda water |   tequila 
         WATER        
%
"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power tools aren't
soluble in alcohol..."
-- Crazy Nigel
%
"Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all...."
-- Thomas J. Kopp
%
"There is no Father Christmas.  It's just a marketing ploy 
to make low income parents' lives a misery."
"... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child,
streaked with tears because of what you just said."
"I want you to picture the face of its mother, because one
week's dole won't pay for one Master of the Universe
Battlecruiser!"
- Filthy Rich and Catflap, 1986.
%
   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

-- Yet another mystical 'C' gem. This one reverses the bits in a word.
%
"All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is
constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role
they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume."
-- Noam Chomsky
%
"A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple
system that worked."
-- John Gall, _Systemantics_
%
"In my opinion, Richard Stallman wouldn't recognise terrorism if it
came up and bit him on his Internet."
-- Ross M. Greenberg
%
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of 
others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use 
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, 
such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I 
conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it 
appears to me at present".

When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the 
pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some 
absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by observing that in 
certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present
case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.

I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I 
engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I proposed my 
opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.  I had 
less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 
happened to be in the right.
-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
%
"If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will change
almost all occurences of the word "paradigm" into "example" or "model."
-- Herbie Blashtfalt
%
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
-- Marvin the paranoid android
%
Contemptuous lights flashed flashed across the computer's console.
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
"There must be some mistake," he said, "are you not a greater computer than
the Milliard Gargantubrain which can count all the atoms in a star in a
millisecond?"
"The Milliard Gargantubrain?" said Deep Thought with unconcealed contempt.
"A mere abacus.  Mention it not."
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
"But are you not," he said, "a more fiendish disputant than the Great Hyperlobic
Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of Ciceronicus Twelve, the Magic and 
Indefatigable?"

"The Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler," said Deep Thought,
thoroughly rolling the r's, "could talk all four legs off an Arcturan
Mega-Donkey -- but only I could persuade it to go for a walk afterward."
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, Jolt Cola
would be a Fortune-500 company.

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, you'd be
able to buy a nice little colonial split-level at Babbages for $34.95.

If programmers wrote programs the way builders build buildings, we'd still
be using autocoder and running compile decks.

-- Peter da Silva and Karl Lehenbauer, a different perspective
%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
"America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort."
-- President John F. Kennedy
%
"The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so."
-- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
%
"The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
>from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
by the majority they were at the time."
-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
%
"The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each
citizen to defend it.  Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do
his share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"Well I don't see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many 
men happy."
-- Ellyn Mustard, about marriage
%
"And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what 
the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions."
-- David Jones @ Megatest Corporation
%
"Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser."
-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
%
"Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance.  It's the thing that makes
 America great.  If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we
 have tolerated the last eight years?"
-- Frank Zappa, Feb 1, 1989
%
"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.
"For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can
we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by
the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'"
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
"Don't think; let the machine do it for you!"
-- E. C. Berkeley
%
"It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
than be the instrument of his army's downfall."
-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
%
"(The Chief Programmer) personally defines the functional and performance
 specifications, designs the program, codes it, tests it, and writes its
 documentation... He needs great talent, ten years experience and
 considerable systems and applications knowledge, whether in applied
 mathematics, business data handling, or whatever."
-- Fred P. Brooks, _The Mythical Man Month_
%
"It ain't over until it's over."
-- Casey Stengel
%
"If anything can go wrong, it will."
-- Edsel Murphy
%
"Yo baby yo baby yo."
-- Eddie Murphy
%
"You must learn to run your kayak by a sort of ju-jitsu.  You must learn to
 tell what the river will do to you, and given those parameters see how you
 can live with it.  You must absorb its force and convert it to your users
 as best you can.  Even with the quickness and agility of a kayak, you are
 not faster than the river, nor stronger, and you can beat it only by
 understanding it."
-- Strung, Curtis and Perry, _Whitewater_
%
Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
	1. They want it quick.
	2. They want it good.
	3. They want it cheap.
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company in Delaware
%
"More software projects have gone awry for lack of calendar time than for all
 other causes combined."
-- Fred Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_
%
panic: kernel trap (ignored)
%
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
"Remember, extremism in the nondefense of moderation is not a virtue."
-- Peter Neumann, about usenet
%
"We dedicated ourselves to a powerful idea -- organic law rather than naked
 power.  There seems to be universal acceptance of that idea in the nation."
-- Supreme Court Justice Potter Steart
%
"What man has done, man can aspire to do."
-- Jerry Pournelle, about space flight
%
"Well, it don't make the sun shine, but at least it don't deepen the shit."
-- Straiter Empy, in _Riddley_Walker_ by Russell Hoban
%
"If you can, help others.  If you can't, at least don't hurt others."
-- the Dalai Lama
%
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a
test load.
%
"Just think, with VLSI we can have 100 ENIACS on a chip!"
-- Alan Perlis
%
"...Local prohibitions cannot block advances in military and commercial
 technology... Democratic movements for local restraint can only restrain
 the world's democracies, not the world as a whole."
-- K. Eric Drexler
%
"The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between a five-dollar bill 
and a whip deserves to learn the difference on his own back -- as, I think, he 
will."
-- Francisco d'Anconia, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
%
"If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and
 the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will
 lose that, too."
-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
"Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother
 to say it, oh God, I'm so depressed.  Here's another of those self-satisfied
 doors.  Life!  Don't talk to me about life."
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
%
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand
hat was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.  He was reknowned for 
being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which
obviously worried him, hence the act.  He preferred people to be puzzled
rather than contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%
Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.

Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
was the Empire forged.
-- Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%
"Gort, klaatu nikto barada."
-- The Day the Earth Stood Still
%
> From MAILER-DAEMON@Think.COM Thu Mar  2 13:59:11 1989
> Subject: Returned mail: unknown mailer error 255

"Dale, your address no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?"
-- Bill Wolfe (wtwolfe@hubcap.clemson.edu)

"Bill, Your brain no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?"
-- Karl A. Nyberg (nyberg@ajpo.sei.cmu.edu)
%
"Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!"
-- Bryan Michael Wendt
%
"I got a question for ya.  Ya got a minute?"
-- two programmers passing in the hall
%
I took a fish head to the movies and I didn't have to pay.
-- Fish Heads, Saturday Night Live, 1977.
%
What hath Bob wrought?
%
"I don't know where we come from,
 Don't know where we're going to,
 And if all this should have a reason,
 We would be the last to know.

 So let's just hope there is a promised land,
 And until then,
 ...as best as you can."
-- Steppenwolf, "Rock Me Baby"
%
"Help Mr. Wizard!"
-- Tennessee Tuxedo
%
"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.
 He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him.
 But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are
 given to administer we presently imagine we own."
-- H.G. Wells
%
"Unlike most net.puritans, however, I feel that what OTHER consenting computers
 do in the privacy of their own phone connections is their own business."
-- John Woods, jfw@eddie.mit.edu
%
"Don't talk to me about disclaimers!  I invented disclaimers!"
-- The Censored Hacker
%
'On this point we want to be perfectly clear: socialism has nothing to do
with equalizing.  Socialism cannot ensure conditions of life and 
consumption in accordance with the principle "From each according to his 
ability, to each according to his needs."  This will be under communism.
Socialism has a different criterion for distributing social benefits:
"From each according to his ability, to each according to his work."'
-- Mikhail Gorbachev, _Perestroika_
%
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
[apparently, good TV reception is a basic necessity -- at least in Tucson  -kl]
%
"All the system's paths must be topologically and circularly interrelated for 
 conceptually definitive, locally transformable, polyhedronal understanding to 
 be attained in our spontaneous -- ergo, most economical -- geodesiccally 
 structured thoughts."
-- R. Buckminster Fuller [...and a total nonsequitur as far as I can tell.  -kl]
%
"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
 terror."
-- W. K. Hartmann
%
"It's when they say 2 + 2 = 5 that I begin to argue."
-- Eric Pepke
%
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a
pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
-- David Guaspari
%
"None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it necessary 
to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 
ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job.  A man who knows a 
job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 
forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 
he is.  Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible."
-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work," p. 86 (1922):
%
"The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.  The Washington Post
is read by the people who think they run the country.   The National Enquirer
is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country..."
-- Robert J Woodhead (trebor@biar.UUCP)
%
        "...'fire' does not matter, 'earth' and 'air' and 'water' do not
matter.  'I' do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality
and remembers words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his
fellows esteem him.  He looks upon the great transformations of the
world, but he does not see them as they were seen when man looked upon
reality for the first time.  Their names come to his lips and he smiles
as he tastes them, thinking he knows them in the naming."
-- Siddartha, _Lord_of_Light_ by Roger Zelazny
%
"Irrigation of the land with sewater desalinated by fusion power is ancient.
It's called 'rain'."
-- Michael McClary, in alt.fusion
%
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people
 who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything."
-- Jim Joyce, former computer science lecturer at the University of California
%
"We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods of
annihilation ever more gruesome and more effective, must consider it our solemn
and transcendent duty to do all in our power in preventing these weapons from
being used for the brutal purpose for which they were invented." 
-- Albert Einstein, Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, September 1948
%
"You can have my Unix system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."
-- Cal Keegan
17th Rule of Friendship:
	A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of
	life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
	noncancellable.
		-- Esquire, May 1977
%
186,282 miles per second:
	It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
%
18th Rule of Friendship:
        A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
        to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
        ever saw.
                -- Esquire, May 1977
%
2180, U.S. History question:
	What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
	office did he later hold?
%
3rd Law of Computing:
	Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
%
667:
	The neighbor of the beast.
%
A hypothetical paradox:
	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
	who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
	Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
		-- Tom Galloway
%
A Law of Computer Programming:
	Make it possible for programmers to write in English
	and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
%
A musician, an artist, an architect:
	the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
		-- William Blake
%
A new koan:
	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
It is an ice cream koan.
%
Abbott's Admonitions:
	(1) If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
	(2) If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
		-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
%
Absent, adj.:
	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
%
Absentee, n.:
	A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
	himself from the sphere of exaction.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Abstainer, n.:
	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
	pleasure.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Absurdity, n.:
	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Academy:
	A modern school where football is taught.
Institute:
	An archaic school where football is not taught.
%
Acceptance testing:
	An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
%
Accident, n.:
	A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
	body is better.
		-- Foolish Dictionary
%
Accordion, n.:
	A bagpipe with pleats.
%
Accuracy, n.:
	The vice of being right
%
Acquaintance, n:
	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
	enough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight when the
	object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
ADA:
	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
	Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
	an ADA awareness.
		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
%
Adler's Distinction:
	Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
	and from the bureaucrats.
%
Admiration, n.:
	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Adore, v.:
	To venerate expectantly.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Adult, n.:
	One old enough to know better.
%
Advertising Rule:
	In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
	reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 
	that it is curable.
%
Afternoon, n.:
	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
%
Age, n.:
	That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
	still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
	to commit.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Agnes' Law:
	Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
%
Air Force Inertia Axiom:
	Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
%
air, n.:
	A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the
	fattening of the poor.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Alaska:
	A prelude to "No."
%
Albrecht's Law:
	Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
%
Alden's Laws:
	(1)  Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
	     of pregnancy.
	(2)  Always be backlit.
	(3)  Sit down whenever possible.
%
algorithm, n.:
	Trendy dance for hip programmers.
%
alimony, n:
	Having an ex you can bank on.
%
All new:
	Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
%
Allen's Axiom:
	When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
Alliance, n.:
	In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
	their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
	separately plunder a third.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Alone, adj.:
	In bad company.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ambidextrous, adj.:
	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ambiguity:
	Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
%
Ambition, n:
	An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
	living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Amoebit:
	Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
%
Andrea's Admonition:
	Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
	If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
	it isn't and he can.
%
Androphobia:
	Fear of men.
%
Anoint, v.:
	To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
	slippery.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Anthony's Law of Force:
	Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
%
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
	corner of the workshop.

Corollary:
	On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
	your toes.
%
Antonym, n.:
	The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%
Aphasia:
	Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
	at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
%
aphorism, n.:
	A concise, clever statement.
afterism, n.:
	A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
		-- James Alexander Thom
%
Appendix:
	A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
%
Applause, n:
	The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
aquadextrous, adj.:
	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
	with your toes.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
	Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
	general can be said."
%
Arithmetic:
	An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries.
%
Armadillo:
	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
%
Armor's Axiom:
	Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
%
Armstrong's Collection Law:
	If the check is truly in the mail,
	it is surely made out to someone else.
%
Arnold's Addendum:
	Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
%
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
	(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
	(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
	(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
	    first two laws.
%
Arthur's Laws of Love:
	(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
	    remind them of someone else.
	(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
	    delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
	    yourself in person.
%
ASCII:
	The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
	become computer literate.  Etymologically, the term has come down as
	a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
	receive."
		-- Robb Russon
%
Atlanta:
	An entire city surrounded by an airport.
%
Auction:
	A gyp off the old block.
%
audophile, n:
	Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
%
Authentic:
	Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
%
Automobile, n.:
	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
%
Bachelor:
	A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
%
Bachelor:
	A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
%
Backward conditioning:
	Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
%
Bagbiter:
	1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently.  2.
adj.: Failing hardware or software.  "This bagbiting system won't let me get
out of spacewar." Usage: verges on obscenity.  Grammatically separable; one
may speak of "biting the bag".  Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS,
BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
%
Bagdikian's Observation:
	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
	is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
%
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
	A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by
	governors.
%
Ballistophobia:
	Fear of bullets;
Otophobia:
	Fear of opening one's eyes.
Peccatophobia:
	Fear of sinning.
Taphephobia:
	Fear of being buried alive.
Sitophobia:
	Fear of food.
Trichophobbia:
	Fear of hair.
Vestiphobia:
	Fear of clothing.
%
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
	The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon
	by the bee.
%
Banectomy, n.:
	The removal of bruises on a banana.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Barach's Rule:
	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
%
Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
	(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
	    and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
	(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
	    to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
%
Barker's Proof:
	Proofreading is more effective after publication.
%
Barometer, n.:
	An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
	are having.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Barth's Distinction:
	There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
	types, and those who don't.
%
Baruch's Observation:
	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
%
Basic Definitions of Science:
	If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
	If it stinks, it's chemistry.
	If it doesn't work, it's physics.
%
BASIC, n.:
	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
	that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
%
Bathquake, n.:
	The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
	faucet is turned on to a certain point.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Battle, n.:
	A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
	will not yield to the tongue.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Beauty, n.:
	The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Beauty:
	What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
%
Begathon, n.:
	A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
	you won't have to watch commercials.
%
Beifeld's Principle:
	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
	young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
	is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
	better-looking and richer male friend.
		-- R. Beifeld
%
belief, n:
	Something you do not believe.
%
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
	(1) Houses are for people to live in.
	(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
	(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
%
Benson's Dogma:
	ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
%
Bershere's Formula for Failure:
	There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
	listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
%
beta test, v:
	To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
	sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
	In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
%
Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
	(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
	(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
	(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
%
Bilbo's First Law:
	You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
%
Binary, adj.:
	Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
%
Bing's Rule:
	Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
%
Bipolar, adj.:
	Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York.
%
birth, n:
	The first and direst of all disasters.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
bit, n:
	A unit of measure applied to color.  Twenty-four-bit color
	refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
	cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.
%
Bizoos, n.:
	The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
blithwapping:
	Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
	wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
	The judge's jokes are always funny.
%
Blore's Razor:
	Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
%
Blutarsky's Axiom:
	Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
%
Boling's postulate:
	If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
%
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
	vividly manifests their lack of progress.
%
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
%
Boob's Law:
	You always find something in the last place you look.
%
Booker's Law:
	An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
%
Bore, n.:
	A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
		-- Walter Winchell
%
Bore, n.:
	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Boren's Laws:
	(1) When in charge, ponder.
	(2) When in trouble, delegate.
	(3) When in doubt, mumble.
%
boss, n:
	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
	words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
	in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
	ornamental stud."
%
Boucher's Observation:
	He who blows his own horn always plays the music
	several octaves higher than originally written.
%
Bower's Law:
	Talent goes where the action is.
%
Bowie's Theorem:
	If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
%
boy, n:
	A noise with dirt on it.
%
Bradley's Bromide:
	If computers get too powerful, we can organize
	them into a committee -- that will do them in.
%
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
	have handled this?"
%
brain, n:
	The apparatus with which we think that we think.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
	of error in an opponent.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
Multics, adj:
	Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented.  There is an implication
	that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
	because he/she should have known better.  Calling something
	brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
%
Bride, n.:
	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
briefcase, n:
	A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
%
broad-mindedness, n:
	The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
%
Brogan's Constant:
	People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the
	front of the bus.
%
brokee, n:
	Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
%
Brontosaurus Principle:
	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
	in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
	this occurs, they are an endangered species.
		-- Thomas K. Connellan
%
Brook's Law:
	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
%
Brooke's Law:
	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
	discovers something which either abolishes the system or
	expands it beyond recognition.
%
Bubble Memory, n.:
	A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence.
	See also "vacuum tube".
%
Bucy's Law:
	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
%
Bug, n.:
	An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
	programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
	wrote the program.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
		-- Ray Simard
%
bug, n:
	A son of a glitch.
%
bug, n:
	An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
	The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
	when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
%
Bugs, pl. n.:
	Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
%
Bumper sticker:
	All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest
	British manufacture.
%
Bunker's Admonition:
	You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
%
Burbulation:
	The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
	an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Bureau Termination, Law of:
	When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
	the number of employees in that bureau will double within
	12 months after the decision is made.
%
bureaucracy, n:
	A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
%
Bureaucrat, n.:
	A person who cuts red tape sideways.
		-- J. McCabe
%
bureaucrat, n:
	A politician who has tenure.
%
Burke's Postulates:
	Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
	Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
%
Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.
	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly
	    balanced.
	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
		-- Robert Burns
%
buzzword, n:
	The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
%
byob, v:
	Believing Your Own Bull
%
C, n:
	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
	assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
	else.  It is either the best language available to the art today, or
	it isn't.
		-- Ray Simard
%
Cabbage, n.:
	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
	a man's head.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Cache:
	A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
	is supposed to know is there.
%
Cahn's Axiom:
	When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
Campbell's Law:
	Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
%
Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
	A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
%
Canonical, adj.:
	The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true story:
One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
fashion without thinking.
	Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
	Stallman: "What did he say?"
	Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
%
Captain Penny's Law:
	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
	some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
%
Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
	dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
	putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Carson's Consolation:
	Nothing is ever a complete failure.
	It can always be used as a bad example.
%
Carson's Observation on Footwear:
	If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
%
Carswell's Corollary:
	Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
	nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
%
Cat, n.:
	Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
%
cerebral atrophy, n:
	The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
impair the brain's performance.  An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
performance.  A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
and the assimilation of difficult concepts.  Many college students become
victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.

cerebral darwinism, n:
	The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption.  Large amounts of
alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation.  Through
the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
first, leaving only the healthy cells.  This wonderful process leaves the
imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
%
Chamberlain's Laws:
	(1) The big guys always win.
	(2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
%
character density, n.:
	The number of very weird people in the office.
%
Charity, n.:
	A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
%
checkuary, n:
	The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and ends
	when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
%
Chef, n.:
	Any cook who swears in French.
%
Cheit's Lament:
	If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
	the next time he's in need.
%
Chemicals, n.:
	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
%
Cheops' Law:
	Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
%
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear
	where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
		-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
%
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
	for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
	cheerfully baste you.
		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
%
Chicken Soup:
	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
	cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup
	can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Chism's Law of Completion:
	The amount of time required to complete a government project is
	precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
%
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
	When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
%
Christmas:
	A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry 
	salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
	response time of the entire year.
%
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
	but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
%
Cinemuck, n.:
	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
	covers the floors of movie theaters.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
clairvoyant, n.:
	A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
	which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Clarke's Conclusion:
	Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
%
Clay's Conclusion:
	Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
%
clone, n:
	1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
	product."  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
	is a clone of our product."
%
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
	The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
	than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
	bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
%
COBOL:
	An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
%
COBOL:
	Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
%
Cohen's Law:
	There is no bottom to worse.
%
Cohn's Law:
	The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
	time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend
	all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
%
Cold, adj.:
	When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.
%
Cole's Law:
	Thinly sliced cabbage.
%
Collaboration, n.:
	A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
	other fellow can spell.
%
College:
	The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
%
Colvard's Logical Premises:
	All probabilities are 50%.
	Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
	This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary:
	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%
Command, n.:
	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
	such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
%
comment:
	A superfluous element of a source program included so the
	programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
	six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
	to those who think they aren't.
%
Commitment, n.:
	[The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be
	illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.  The chicken was
	involved, the pig was committed.
%
Committee Rules:
	(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
	(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
	    stamps you as being wise.
	(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
	    others.
	(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
	(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
	    popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
%
Committee, n.:
	A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
	decide that nothing can be done.
		-- Fred Allen
%
Commoner's three laws of ecology:
	(1) No action is without side-effects.
	(2) Nothing ever goes away.
	(3) There is no free lunch.
%
Complex system:
	One with real problems and imaginary profits.
%
Compliment, n.:
	When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
%
compuberty, n:
	The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
	computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
	a sun4 is put online sharing files.
%
Computer science:
	(1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
	   precision of the former and the success of the latter.
	(2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
	(3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
	(4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
	(5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
	(6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
%
Computer, n.:
	An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
	totally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe
	this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
%
Concept, n.:
	Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
	$25,000.
%
Conference, n.:
	A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
	what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
	he's already decided to do.
%
Confidant, confidante, n:
	One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Confirmed bachelor:
	A man who goes through life without a hitch.
%
Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
	Mathematician's Proof:
		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  By induction, all
		odd numbers are prime.
	Physicist's Proof:
		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is experimental
		error.  11 is prime.  13 is prime ...
	Engineer's Proof:
		3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is prime.
		11 is prime.  13 is prime ...
	Computer Scientists's Proof:
		3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime...
%
Connector Conspiracy, n:
	[probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10,
	none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
	manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
	to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
	stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
	interface devices.
%
Consent decree:
	A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
	in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
	never admitted to in the first place.
%
Consultant, n.:
	(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
	you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
	of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
	Calculator, Will Travel.
%
Consultant, n.:
	[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
	(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
	"insult."]  A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
	has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
	and heavy wallet.
%
Consultant, n.:
	An ordinary man a long way from home.
%
consultant, n.:
	Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
%
Consultant, n.:
	Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on
	the ground and tell the truth.
%
Consultation, n.:
	Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
%
Conversation, n.:
	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
	is called the listener.
%
Conway's Law:
	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
	what is going on.

	This person must be fired.
%
Copying machine, n.:
	A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
	and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
	interested in reading them.
%
Coronation, n.:
	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
	signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Correspondence Corollary:
	An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
	your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
%
Corry's Law:
	Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
%
court, n.:
	A place where they dispense with justice.
		-- Arthur Train
%
Coward, n.:
	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Creditor, n.:
	A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
%
Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
	If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be
	held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.
%
critic, n.:
	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
	to please him.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Croll's Query:
	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
%
Cropp's Law:
	The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the
	office.
%
Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
	If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
	will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
	much work has already been done on it.
%
cursor address, n:
	"Hello, cursor!"
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Cursor, n.:
	One whose program will not run.
		-- Robb Russon
%
curtation, n.:
	The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
environment.
	The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
matter.  Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
people than any other aspect of data processing.  You order Mozart's "Don
Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous!  Equally puzzling is
the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL."  The squeezing of fruit into 10
columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP.  The examples
cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
with us.

MOZ DONG n.
	Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Cutler Webster's Law:
	There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
	is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
%
Cynic, n.:
	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
	as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
	out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Cynic, n.:
	Experienced.
%
Cynic, n.:
	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
%
Data, n.:
	An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
%
Data, n.:
	Computerspeak for "information".  Properly pronounced
	the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
%
Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
	The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
	1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
%
Davis's Dictum:
	Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
%
Dawn, n.:
	The time when men of reason go to bed.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Deadwood, n.:
	Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
%
Death wish, n.:
	The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
%
Decision maker, n.:
	The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
	before the music stopped.
%
default, n.:
	[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
	mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will
	come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Default, n.:
	The hardware's, of course.
%
Deja vu:
	French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
	something actually being encountered for the first time.
	Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
	something actually being encountered for the first time.
%
Deliberation, n.:
	The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
	buttered on.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Dentist, n.:
	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
	coins out of one's pockets.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Denver, n.:
	A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
%
design, v.:
	What you regret not doing later on.
%
DeVries' Dilemma:
	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
	hits the paper.
%
Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
	Some do, some don't.
%
Die, v.:
	To stop sinning suddenly.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
	1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
	1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
	1 carton milk
%
diplomacy, n:
	Lying in state.
%
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
	(1) Get elected.
	(2) Get re-elected.
	(3) Don't get mad, get even.
		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen
%
disbar, n:
	As distinguished from some other bar.
%
Distinctive, adj.:
	A different color or shape than our competitors.
%
Distress, n.:
	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
divorce, n:
	A change of wife.
%
Documentation:
	Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
	speaking persons.
%
double-blind experiment, n:
	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
	fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied
	by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
%
Dow's Law:
	In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level,
	the greater the confusion.
%
Drakenberg's Discovery:
	If you can't seem to find your glasses,
	it's probably because you don't have them on.
%
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
	of your eyes.
%
drug, n:
	A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
%
Ducharme's Precept:
	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Ducharme's Axiom:
	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
	yourself as part of the problem.
%
Duty, n:
	What one expects from others.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Eagleson's Law:
	Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
	months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson
	is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
%
economics, n.:
	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Economies of scale:
	The notion that bigger is better.  In particular, that if you want
	a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
	biggie than a bunch of smallies.  Accepted as an article of faith
	by people who love big machines and all that complexity.  Rejected
	as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
	those limitations.
%
economist, n:
	Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
	personality to become an accountant.
%
Egotism, n:
	Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.

Egotist, n:
	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ehrman's Commentary:
	(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
	(2) Who said things would get better?
%
Elbonics, n.:
	The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
	theatre.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Electrocution, n.:
	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%
Elephant, n.:
	A mouse built to government specifications.
%
Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
	In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
	frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
	are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
	minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
	compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
	lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
	of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
%
Emacs, n.:
	A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
%
Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
	can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
%
Encyclopedia Salesmen:
	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
	and tell them your house is being burgled.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Endless Loop, n.:
	see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless, n.:
	see Endless Loop.
		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%
Engram, n.:
	1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
2. A particular memory in physical form.  [Usage note:  this term is no longer
in common use.  Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
psychologists, and even computer scientists.  In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros.  Human memory
was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
ASCII strings.  Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
time.]
		-- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
		   3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
%
enhance, v.:
	To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
%
Entreprenuer, n.:
	A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
	be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
%
Envy, n.:
	Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
	instead of having to try and acquire one.
%
Epperson's law:
	When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
	something his wife can beat him at.
%
Etymology, n.:
	Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
	were hard for the public to believe.  The term "etymology" was formed
	from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
	("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
		-- Mike Kellen
%
Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):

Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in
front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an
odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even
and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse
of another color, and by the lemma ["All horses are the same color"],
that does not exist.
%
Every program has (at least) two purposes:
	the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
%
Expense Accounts, n.:
	Corporate food stamps.
%
Experience, n.:
	Something you don't get until just after you need it.
		-- Olivier
%
Expert, n.:
	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
%
Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:

		NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE

To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
to a 3x5 inch index card.  (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.)  (e) Finally place 3x5 card
(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595.  Print
this address correctly.  Comply with above instructions carefully and
completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
%
Fairy Tale, n.:
	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
%
Fakir, n:
	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
	religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
	seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
%
falsie salesman, n:
	Fuller bust man.
%
Famous last words:
%
Famous last words:
	(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
	(2) "You and what army?"
	(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
	     a cop."
%
Famous last words:
	(1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
	(2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
	(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
	(4) We won't need reservations.
	(5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
	(6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
	(7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
	(8) Don't worry!  Women love it!
%
Famous quotations:
	" "
		-- Charlie Chaplin

	" "
		-- Harpo Marx

	" "
		-- Marcel Marceau
%
Famous, adj.:
	Conspicuously miserable.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
feature, n:
	A surprising property of a program.  Occasionaly documented.  To
	call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
	consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
	not necessarily wrong response.  See BUG.  "That's not a bug, it's
	a feature!"  A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
%
fenderberg, n.:
	The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
	of car fenders during snowstorms.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Ferguson's Precept:
	A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
%
Fidelity, n.:
	A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
%
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary:
	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
%
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
	there is nothing important to do.
%
File cabinet:
	A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
%
filibuster, n.:
	Throwing your wait around.
%
Finagle's Creed:
	Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
%
Finagle's Eighth Law:
	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Ninth Law:
	No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to
	fake it.

Finagle's Tenth Law:
	No matter what the result someone is always eager to misinterpret it.

Finagle's Eleventh Law:
	No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to
	his pet theory.
%
Finagle's First Law:
	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%
Finagle's First Law:
	To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

Finagle's Second Law:
	Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.

Finagle's Fourth Law:
	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
	it worse.

Finagle's Fifth Law:
	Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.

Finagle's Sixth Law:
	Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%
Finagle's Second Law:
	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
	someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
	happened according to his own pet theory.
%
Finagle's Seventh Law:
	The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
%
Finagle's Third Law:
	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Corollaries:
	(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
	(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
	    don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
%
Fine's Corollary:
	Functionality breeds Contempt.
%
Finster's Law:
	A closed mouth gathers no feet.
%
First Law of Bicycling:
	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
%
First law of debate:
	Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.
%
First Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
	for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
	imposed the deadline).

Fifth Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
	there is nothing important to do.
%
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
	Celibacy is not hereditary.
%
First Rule of History:
	History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
%
Fishbowl, n.:
	A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are
	kept for observation.
%
Five rules for eternal misery:
	(1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
	(2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
	    treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
	(3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
	(4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
	    how much better things might have been or how much worse
	    things might become).
	(5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
	    follow the first four rules.
%
flannister, n.:
	The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Flon's Law:
	There is not now, and never will be, a language in
	which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
%
flowchart, n. & v.:
	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.  2. n. Neronic
doodling while the system burns.  3. n. A low-cost substitute for
wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate misleading the illiterate.  "A
thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.  5. v.intrans. To produce
flowcharts with no particular object in mind.  6. v.trans. To obfuscate
(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Flugg's Law:
	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
	that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
%
Fog Lamps, n.:
	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
	of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
	driver's brain is in a fog.  See also "Idiot Lights".
%
Foolproof Operation:
	No provision for adjustment.
%
Forecast, n.:
	A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
	which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
%
Forgetfulness, n.:
	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
	their destitution of conscience.
%
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#1
skilled oral communicator:
	Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak.  Talks to self.
	Argues with self.  Loses these arguments.

skilled written communicator:
	Scribbles well.  Memos are invariable illegible, except for
	the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.

growth potential:
	With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
	the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
	the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.

key company figure:
	Serves as the perfect counter example.
%
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#4
consistent:
	Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
	that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.

an excellent sounding board:
	Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
	them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.

a planner and organizer:
	Usually manages to put on socks before shoes.  Can match the
	animal tags on his clothing.
%
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:	#9
has management potential:
	Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
	reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
	pencil monitor.

inspirational:
	A true inspiration to others.  ("There, but for the grace of God,
	go I.")

adapts to stress:
	Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
	situation.

goal oriented:
	Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
	to meet them.
%
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2

Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
the author of an memo is trying to say.  Thanks to modern developments
in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
never known.  Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
memo is practically nil.  Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly.  If you *do* understand
the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack.  In fact,
the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:

	1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
	2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
	3: When replying to one of your own memos.
%
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
	instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Corollary:
	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
	study for that instructor's course.
%
Fourth Law of Revision:
	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
	interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
%
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
	If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.
		-- David Ellis
%
Fresco's Discovery:
	If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
%
Fried's 1st Rule:
	Increased automation of clerical function
	invariably results in increased operational costs.
%
Friends, n.:
	People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.

	People who know you well, but like you anyway.
%
Frobnicate, v.:
	To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually
abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob." See TWEAK
and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along
a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross
manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes
fine-tuning.  If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's
carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it
but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just
doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
%
Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
	An unspecified physical object, a widget.  Also refers to electronic
black boxes.  This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more
commonly to FROB.  Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE.
Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also
become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off
called Zork (Dungeon).  These can also be applied to non-physical objects,
such as data structures.
%
Fuch's Warning:
	If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
	enough to travel.
%
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
%
Fun experiments:
	Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
	Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
	bedroom, car, etc.  As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
%
Fun Facts, #14:
	In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins.  That's how
	it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
%
Fun Facts, #63:
	The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
	It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
	Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
	1510.
%
furbling, v.:
	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
	even when you are the only person in line.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
	Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
	there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
%
Genderplex, n.:
	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
	determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
genealogy, n.:
	An account of one's descent from an ancestor
	who did not particularly care to trace his own.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Genius, n.:
	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright."
%
genius, n.:
	Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
	time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
	all the right things to all the right people.
%
genlock, n.:
	Why he stays in the bottle.
%
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
	(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
	(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
	(3) The energy required to change either one of these states
	   will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
	   much as to make the task totally impossible.
%
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Corollary:
	Following the rules will not get the job done.
%
Gilbert's Discovery:
	Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
	sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
	(1) You can't win.
	(2) You can't break even.
	(3) You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
	Theorem.  To wit:

	(1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
	(2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
	(3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
%
Ginsburg's Law:
	At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
	big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
%
gleemites, n.:
	Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
	probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
	some useful work done.
%
Gnagloot, n.:
	A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
	impress people.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Goda's Truism:
	By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
	somebody moves the ends.
%
Godwin's Law (prov.  [Usenet]):
	As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a
	comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one." There is a
	tradition in many groups that, once this occurs, that thread is
	over, and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost
	whatever argument was in progress.  Godwin's Law thus guarantees
	the existence of an upper bound on thread length in those groups.
%
Gold's Law:
	If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
%
Gold, n.:
	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
	is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
	men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
	although gold hasn't done anything to them.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Goldenstern's Rules:
	(1) Always hire a rich attorney
	(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
%
Gomme's Laws:
	(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
	(2) Time accelerates.
	(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
%
Gordon's first law:
	If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
%
Gordon's Law:
	If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
%
gossip, n.:
	Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
		-- Earl Wilson
%
Goto, n.:
	A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
	to complain about unstructured programmers.
		-- Ray Simard
%
Government's Law:
	There is an exception to all laws.
%
Grabel's Law:
	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
%
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

	[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive.  Ed.]
%
grasshopotomaus:
	A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
%
Gravity:
	What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
%
Gray's Law of Programming:
	`_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
	time as `_n' tasks.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
	`_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
%
Great American Axiom:
	Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
%
Green's Law of Debate:
	Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
%
Greener's Law:
	Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
%
Grelb's Reminder:
	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
	average drivers.
%
Griffin's Thought:
	When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
%
Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
	At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
%
Guillotine, n.:
	A French chopping center.
%
Gumperson's Law:
	The probability of a given event occurring is inversely
	proportional to its desirability.
%
Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
	(1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
	     the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
	(2)  The strength of the turbulence
	     is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
%
gurmlish, n.:
	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
	prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof
	of his mouth.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
guru, n.:
	A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
	a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
	phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
%
guru, n:
	A computer owner who can read the manual.
%
gyroscope, n.:
	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
	free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to
	each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
	two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
	torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
	entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
	the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
	of the axis of spin.
		-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
%
H. L. Mencken's Law:
	Those who can -- do.
	Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:
	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
%
Hacker's Law:
	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
	a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%
Hacker's Quicky #313:
	Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
	Microwave Egg Roll
	Chocolate Milk
%
hacker, n.:
	A master byter.
%
hacker, n.:
	Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
	things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the
	mythical philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
	In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
	of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather
	in a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by
	candlelight, and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending
	the following ditty:

		Hacker's Fight Song

		He's a Hack!  He's a Hack!
		He's a guy with the happy knack!
		Never bungles, never shirks,
		Always gets his stuff to work!

All take a drink (important!)
%
Hale Mail Rule, The:
	When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
	one of the following:
		(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
		(b) Stationery.
		(c) Postage stamp.
		(d) The letter you are answering.
%
half-done, n.:
	This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
	light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference between this
	and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
	difference between life and death.

	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
	in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
	fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
	transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
	Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
	about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
	man, "Let me have a nice half-done."  Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Hand, n.:
	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
	commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
handshaking protocol, n:
	A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
	terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
	occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
%
Hangover, n.:
	The burden of proof.
%
hangover, n.:
	The wrath of grapes.
%
Hanlon's Razor:
	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained
	by stupidity.
%
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
	There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
	before Saturday.
%
Happiness, n.:
	An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
hard, adj.:
	The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
	of other people.
%
Hardware, n.:
	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%
Harriet's Dining Observation:
	In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
	increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
%
Harris's Lament:
	All the good ones are taken.
%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
%
Harrison's Postulate:
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%
Hartley's First Law:
	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
	on his back, you've got something.
%
Hatred, n.:
	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Hawkeye's Conclusion:
	It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole
	circus.
%
Heaven, n.:
	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
	their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
	expound your own.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
heavy, adj.:
	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
%
Heller's Law:
	The first myth of management is that it exists.

Johnson's Corollary:
	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
	organization.
%
Hempstone's Question:
	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
%
Herth's Law:
	He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
%
Hewett's Observation:
	The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
	her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
	peers similarly engaged.
%
Hildebrant's Principle:
	If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
%
Hippogriff, n.:
	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
	The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
	The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
	is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full
	of surprises.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
History, n.:
	Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
	learn nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from
	what happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.
		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
	The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to
	staple something.
%
Hlade's Law:
	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
	they will find an easier way to do it.
%
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
	Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
%
Hoffer's Discovery:
	The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
	revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
%
Hofstadter's Law:
	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
	Hofstadter's Law into account.
%
Hollerith, v.:
	What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
%
honeymoon, n.:
	A short period of doting between dating and debting.
		-- Ray C. Bandy
%
Honorable, adj.:
	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
	bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
	"the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
	Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%
Horngren's Observation:
	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
%
Household hint:
	If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a
	dandy substitute.
%
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
	#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
%
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
	#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
%
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
	#32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
%
Howe's Law:
	Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
%
Hubbard's Law:
	Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
%
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
	to... to... uh.....
%
IBM Pollyanna Principle:
	Machines should work.  People should think.
%
IBM's original motto:
	Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
%
IBM:
	[International Business Machines Corp.]  Also known as Itty Bitty
	Machines or The Lawyer's Friend.  The dominant force in computer
	marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
	and 10% of all software.  To protect itself from the litigious envy
	of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
	employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
%
IBM:
	I've Been Moved
	Idiots Become Managers
	Idiots Buy More
	Impossible to Buy Machine
	Incredibly Big Machine
	Industry's Biggest Mistake
	International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
	It Boggles the Mind
	It's Better Manually
	Itty-Bitty Machines
%
IBM:
	It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
%
idiot box, n.:
	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
	stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Idiot, n.:
	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
	affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
idleness, n.:
	Leisure gone to seed.
%
ignisecond, n:
	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
	door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
ignorance, n.:
	When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
%
Iles's Law:
	There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly
	at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
	Neither will Iles.
%
Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
	In order for something to become clean, something else must
	become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
	anything clean.
%
Immutability, Three Rules of:
	(1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
	(2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
	(3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.
%
Impartial, adj.:
	Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
	espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
	conflicting opinions.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
inbox, n.:
	A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but
	are afraid to throw away.
%
incentive program, n.:
	The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
	to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with
	profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
	incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
	keep it."
%
Incumbent, n.:
	Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
index, n.:
	Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
	alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
%
Infancy, n.:
	The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
	about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Information Center, n.:
	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
	tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
%
Information Processing:
	What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
	it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
%
Ingrate, n.:
	A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
	indigestion.
%
ink, n.:
	A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
	and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
	idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
innovate, v.:
	To annoy people.
%
insecurity, n.:
	Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
	favorite words.

	Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
	the person who told it to you.
%
interest, n.:
	What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
	burned out employees must feign.
%
Interpreter, n.:
	One who enables two persons of different languages to
	understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
	the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
intoxicated, adj.:
	When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
%
Iron Law of Distribution:
	Them that has, gets.
%
ISO applications:
	A solution in search of a problem!
%
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
	The Course of Progress:
		Most things get steadily worse.
	The Path of Progress:
		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
%
It is fruitless:
	to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.

	to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
	innovative maneuvers.
%
"It's in process":
	So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
%
italic, adj:
	Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases.  Unique to
	Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
	are often slanted to the left.
%
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
	legislature is in session.
%
Jenkinson's Law:
	It won't work.
%
Jim Nasium's Law:
	In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
	using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
	each other so that everybody is cramped.
%
job interview, n.:
	The excruciating process during which personnel officers
	separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
%
job Placement, n.:
	Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
%
jogger, n.:
	An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
%
Johnny Carson's Definition:
	The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
	in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
	taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
%
Johnson's First Law:
	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
	most inconvenient possible time.
%
Johnson's law:
	Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
%
Jones' First Law:
	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
	endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
	obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
	importance of their original contribution.
%
Jones' Motto:
	Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%
Jones' Second Law:
	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
	to blame it on.
%
Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
	Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
	Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
%
Justice, n.:
	A decision in your favor.
%
Kafka's Law:
	In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
		-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
%
Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
	For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
	package of snack food.

Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
	For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
	of lunch meat.
%
Katz' Law:
	Men and nations will act rationally when
	all other possibilities have been exhausted.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
exhausted all other alternatives.
		-- Abba Eban
%
Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
	Population density is inversely proportional
	to the square of the distance from the keg.
%
Kaufman's Law:
	A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
	of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
%
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
	   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
	   force is technically termed "car suck").
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
	   than "Watch this!"
	(3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
	   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
	   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
	   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
	(4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
	   cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
	   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
	   in the head and knock you silly.
%
Kennedy's Market Theorem:
	Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
	you've got to go broke.
%
Kent's Heuristic:
	Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
%
kern, v.:
	1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
	of corn.  2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
	metal object used as part of the monetary system.
%
kernel, n.:
	A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
	traditions of sorcery and black art.
%
Kettering's Observation:
	Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
%
Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
	Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
%
Kin, n.:
	An affliction of the blood.
%
Kington's Law of Perforation:
	If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
	as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
	part of the paper.
%
Kinkler's First Law:
	Responsibility always exceeds authority.

Kinkler's Second Law:
	All the easy problems have been solved.
%
Kliban's First Law of Dining:
	Never eat anything bigger than your head.
%
Kludge, n.:
	An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
	distressing whole.
		-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
%
Knebel's Law:
	It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
	causes of statistics.
%
knowledge, n.:
	Things you believe.
%
Kramer's Law:
	You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
%
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
	The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Labor, n.:
	One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Lackland's Laws:
	(1) Never be first.
	(2) Never be last.
	(3) Never volunteer for anything
%
Lactomangulation, n.:
	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
	that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Langsam's Laws:
	(1) Everything depends.
	(2) Nothing is always.
	(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
Larkinson's Law:
	All laws are basically false.
%
laser, n.:
	Failed death ray.
%
Laura's Law:
	No child throws up in the bathroom.
%
Law of Communications:
	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
	between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
	area of misunderstanding.
%
Law of Continuity:
	Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the same way.
%
Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
	the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
%
Law of Selective Gravity:
	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
	down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Law of the Perversity of Nature:
	You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
%
Law of the Jungle:
	He who hesitates is lunch.
%
Laws of Computer Programming:
	(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
	(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
	(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
	(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
	(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
	(6) The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
	(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
		the programmer who must maintain it.
%
Laws of Serendipity:
	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
	    be engaged in making an inferior one.
%
lawsuit, n.:
	A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Lawyer's Rule:
	When the law is against you, argue the facts.
	When the facts are against you, argue the law.
	When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
%
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
	approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
%
learning curve, n.:
	An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
	in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
	quicker you can do it.
%
Lee's Law:
	Mother said there would be days like this,
	but she never said that there'd be so many!
%
Leibowitz's Rule:
	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
	finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
%
Lemma:  All horses are the same color.
Proof (by induction):
	Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
	horses in that set are the same color.
	Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses.  Pull one of these
	horses out of the set, so that you have k horses.  Suppose that all
	of these horses are the same color.  Now put back the horse that you
	took out, and pull out a different one.  Suppose that all of the k
	horses now in the set are the same color.  Then the set of k+1 horses
	are all the same color.  We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
	horses are the same color.
Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
Proof (by intimidation):
	Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs.  It
	is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
	back.  4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
	horse to have!  Now the only number that is both even and odd is
	infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
	However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
	infinite number of legs.  Well, that would be a horse of a different
	color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
%
leverage, n.:
	Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
	about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
%
Lewis's Law of Travel:
	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone,
	ever.
%
Liar, n.:
	A lawyer with a roving commission.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Liar:
	one who tells an unpleasant truth.
		-- Oliver Herford
%
Lie, n.:
	A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
	discovered to date.
%
Lieberman's Law:
	Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
%
life, n.:
	A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%
life, n.:
	Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
%
life, n.:
	That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
%
lighthouse, n.:
	A tall building on the seashore in which the government
	maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
%
like:
	When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
%
Linus' Law:
	There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
%
lisp, v.:
	To call a spade a thpade.
%
Lockwood's Long Shot:
	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
	aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
%
love,  n.:
	Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
%
love, n.:
	When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
%
love, n.:
	When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive
	to pleasure.
%
love, n.:
	When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
%
love, n.:
	When, if asked to choose between your lover
	and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
%
love, v.:
	I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
%
Lowery's Law:
	If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
%
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
	There's always one more bug.
%
Lunatic Asylum, n.:
	The place where optimism most flourishes.
%
Machine-Independent, adj.:
	Does not run on any existing machine.
%
Mad, adj.:
	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Madison's Inquiry:
	If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
%
MAFIA, n:
	[Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS.  MAFIA documentation is
rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
operations.  From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
security functions.  The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
more than usually autocratic operating system.  Screen prompts carry an
imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
entire nodal aggravations.
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Magary's Principle:
	When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
	government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
	the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
%
Magnet, n.:
	Something acted upon by magnetism.

Magnetism, n.:
	Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of
one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with
a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Magnocartic, adj.:
	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
Magpie, n.:
	A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
	might be taught to talk.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Maier's Law:
	If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
		-- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960

Corollaries:
	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.
%
Main's Law:
	For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
%
Maintainer's Motto:
	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
%
Major premise:
	Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
Minor premise:
	A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
Conclusion:
	Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Secondary Conclusion:
	Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
	would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
%
Majority, n.:
	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
%
Male, n.:
	A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.  The male of the
	human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man.  The genus
	has two varieties:  good providers and bad providers.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Malek's Law:
	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%
malpractice, n.:
	The reason surgeons wear masks.
%
management, n.:
	The art of getting other people to do all the work.
%
manic-depressive, adj.:
	Easy glum, easy glow.
%
Manly's Maxim:
	Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
	with confidence.
%
manual, n.:
	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a given
	item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The information
	you need in in the others.
		-- Ray Simard
%
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
	simple yes or no answer.
%
marriage, n.:
	An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
	in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing
	that love.  In short, committment to an institution.
%
marriage, n.:
	Convertible bonds.
%
Marriage, n.:
	The evil aye.
%
Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
	Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
%
Maryann's Law:
	You can always find what you're not looking for.
%
Maslow's Maxim:
	If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like 
	a nail.
%
Mason's First Law of Synergism:
	The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
%
mathematician, n.:
	Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your _i's.
%
Matz's Law:
	A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
%
May's Law:
	The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
	of control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
%
McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
	When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to
	lie down and rest.
%
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
	If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
%
Meade's Maxim:
	Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
%
Meader's Law:
	Whatever happens to you, it will previously
	have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
%
meeting, n.:
	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
	department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
%
meetings, n.:
	A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
%
memo, n.:
	An interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit
	of the person who sends it than the person who receives it.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
	The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
	The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
	cork makes when it is popped.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
%
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
	is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
	never hope to acquire it.
%
Menu, n.:
	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
%
Meskimen's Law:
	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
	do it over.
%
meterologist, n.:
	One who doubts the established fact that it is
	bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
%
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ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
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leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
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sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
	The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
	1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
		   Preposterous Words
%
Micro Credo:
	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
%
micro:
	Thinker toys.
%
Miksch's Law:
	If a string has one end, then it has another end.
%
Miller's Slogan:
	Lose a few, lose a few.
%
millihelen, n.:
	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
%
Minicomputer:
	A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.
%
MIPS:
	Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
%
Misfortune, n.:
	The kind of fortune that never misses.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
MIT:
	The Georgia Tech of the North
%
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
	held to discuss it.
%
mittsquinter, adj.:
	A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
	if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Mix's Law:
	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
	There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
%
mixed emotions:
	Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
	With five empty seats.
%
mixed emotions:
	Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
	in your brand new Mercedes.
%
modem, adj.:
	Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie."  An
	unfortunate byproduct of kerning.

	[That's sic!]
%
modesty, n.:
	Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
%
Modesty:
	The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be
	aware of it.
		-- Oliver Herford
%
Molecule, n.:
	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
	from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
	closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
	matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
	atom in that it is an ion ...
	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
	it wasn't worth doing.
%
momentum, n.:
	What you give a person when they are going away.
%
Moon, n.:
	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers.  See 
	PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
%
Moore's Constant:
	Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
	does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
%
mophobia, n.:
	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
%
Morton's Law:
	If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
%
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
	Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
	be out of a job.
%
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
	population is growing.
%
mummy, n.:
	An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
%
Murphy's Law of Research:
	Enough research will tend to support your theory.
%
Murphy's Laws:
	(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
	(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
	(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
%
Murray's Rule:
	Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
%
Mustgo, n.:
	Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
	long it has become a science project.
		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
My father taught me three things:
	(1) Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
	(2) Never try to draw to an inside straight.
	(3) Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
%
Nachman's Rule:
	When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
		-- Gerald Nachman
%
narcolepulacyi, n.:
	The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
	to also yawn.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
nerd pack, n.:
	Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
	clothes.  Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be measured
	by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling	in his pack.
%
neutron bomb, n.:
	An explosive device of limited military value because, as
	it only destroys people without destroying property, it
	must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
%
new, adj.:
	Different color from previous model.
%
Newlan's Truism:
	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 
	government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
%
Newman's Discovery:
	Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will
	your worst dreams.
%
Newton's Law of Gravitation:
	What goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down where
	you can find it.  Murphy's Law applies to Newton's.
%
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
%
Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
	All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
%
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
	the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
%
no brainer:
	A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
	is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
%
no maintenance:
	Impossible to fix.
%
nolo contendere:
	A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
	it again."
%
nominal egg:
	New Yorkerese for expensive.
%
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
	Negative expectations yield negative results.
	Positive expectations yield negative results.
%
Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
	French for "not enough food".

Continental breakfast, n.:
	English for "not enough food".

Tapas, n.:
	Spanish for "not enough food".

Dim Sum, n.:
	Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
%
November, n.:
	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
	When comes the revolution, things will be different --
	not better, just different.
%
Nowlan's Theory:
	He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
	the next freeway exit.
%
Nusbaum's Rule:
	The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
	organization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
	Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
	to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
%
O'Brian's Law:
	Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
%
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
	Cleanliness is next to impossible
%
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
	Murphy was an optimist.
%
Occam's eraser:
	The philosophical principle that even the simplest
	solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
%
Office Automation:
	The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
	by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
%
Official Project Stages:
	(1) Uncritical Acceptance
	(2) Wild Enthusiasm
	(3) Dejected Disillusionment
	(4) Total Confusion
	(5) Search for the Guilty
	(6) Punishment of the Innocent
	(7) Promotion of the Non-participants
%
Ogden's Law:
	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
%
Old Japanese proverb:
	There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
	and those who climb it twice.
%
Old timer, n.:
	One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
%
Oliver's Law:
	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
%
Olmstead's Law:
	After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
%
omnibiblious, adj.:
	Indifferent to type of drink.  Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
	I'm omnibiblious."
%
On ability:
	A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
	a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
%
On the subject of C program indentation:
	"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
	indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
		-- Blair P. Houghton
%
On-line, adj.:
	The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
%
Once, adv.:
	Enough.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
One Page Principle:
	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
	paper cannot be understood.
		-- Mark Ardis
%
"One size fits all":
	Doesn't fit anyone.
%
One-Shot Case Study, n.:
	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is
	concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
%
Optimism, n.:
	The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good,
	bad, and everything right that is wrong.  It is held with greatest
	tenacity by those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most
	acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile.  Being a blind
	faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual
	disorder, yielding to no treatment but death.  It is hereditary, but
	not contagious.
%
optimist, n.:
	A proponent of the belief that black is white.

	A pessimist asked God for relief.
	"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
	"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
would justify them."
	"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
something -- the mortality of the optimist."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
optimist, n:
	A bagpiper with a beeper.
%
Oregano, n.:
	The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
%
Osborn's Law:
	Variables won't; constants aren't.
%
Ozman's Laws:
	(1)  If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
	(2)  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
	(3)  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
	(4)  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
%
pain, n.:
	One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
%
Painting, n.:
	The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
	exposing them to the critic.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Pandora's Rule:
	Never open a box you didn't close.
%
Paprika Measure:
	2 dashes    ==  1smidgen
	2 smidgens  ==  1 pinch
	3 pinches   ==  1 soupcon
	2 soupcons  ==  2 much paprika
%
paranoia, n.:
	A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
%
Pardo's First Postulate:
	Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
	Everything else causes cancer in rats.
%
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
	If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
	bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
%
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
	The number of people in any working group tends to increase
	regardless of the amount of work to be done.
%
party, n.:
	A gathering where you meet people who drink
	so much you can't even remember their names.
%
Pascal Users:
	The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
	Please modify your programs accordingly.
%
Pascal Users:
	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
	death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
%
Pascal:
	A programming language named after a man who would turn over
	in his grave if he knew about it.
		-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
%
Password:
%
Patageometry, n.:
	The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
	under brain transplants.
%
patent:
	A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
%
Paul's Law:
	In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
%
Paul's Law:
	You can't fall off the floor.
%
paycheck:
	The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
	withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
	medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
	Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
%
Peace, n.:
	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
	periods of fighting.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
	Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
%
Pedaeration, n.:
	The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
	sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
pediddel:
	A car with only one working headlight.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Peers's Law:
	The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
%
Penguin Trivia #46:
	Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%
pension:
	A federally insured chain letter.
%
People's Action Rules:
	(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
	(2) Some people who should, won't.
	(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
	(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
	(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
%
perfect guest:
	One who makes his host feel at home.
%
Performance:
	A statement of the speed at which a computer system works.  Or
	rather, might work under certain circumstances.  Or was rumored
	to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
%
pessimist:
	A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
	wolf from the door.

optimist:
	A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
	his pants.

opportunist:
	A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
%
Peter's Law of Substitution:
	Look after the molehills, and the
	mountains will look after themselves.

Peter's Principle of Success:
	Get up one time more than you're knocked down.

%
Peterson's Admonition:
	When you think you're going down for the third time --
	just remember that you may have counted wrong.
%
Peterson's Rules:
	(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky.
	(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
	(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
	(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
%
petribar:
	Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
	the window of a vending machine too long.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
	Phases of a Project:
(1)	Exultation.
(2)	Disenchantment.
(3)	Confusion.
(4)	Search for the Guilty.
(5)	Punishment for the Innocent.
(6)	Distinction for the Uninvolved.
%
philosophy:
	The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
%
philosophy:
	Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
%
phosflink:
	To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
	will bring it back to life).
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Pickle's Law:
	If Congress must do a painful thing,
	the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
%
pixel, n.:
	A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
	The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
	Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
	intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
%
Please take note:
%
Pohl's law:
	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
%
poisoned coffee, n.:
	Grounds for divorce.
%
politics, n.:
	A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
	The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
	The hyperactive child is never absent.
%
polygon:
	Dead parrot.
%
Poorman's Rule:
	When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package,
	you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.
%
Portable, adj.:
	Survives system reboot.
%
Positive, adj.:
	Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
poverty, n.:
	An unfortunate state that persists as long
	as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
%
Power, n.:
	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
%
prairies, n.:
	Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
%
Prejudice:
	A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
	It's on the other side.
%
Price's Advice:
	It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
%
Priority:
	A statement of the importance of a user or a program.  Often
	expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
	care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
	badly than someone else.
%
problem drinker, n.:
	A man who never buys.
%
program, n.:
	A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
	into error messages.  tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
	one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
%
program, n.:
	Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
	day.  Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
	"sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
	always justifies hiring at least three more people.
%
Programming Department:
	Mistakes made while you wait.
%
progress, n.:
	Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
	invading the body and taking possession of it.

	Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
	and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
%
Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
	SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
    legs for a horse.
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.

Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
	Intimidation
	Gesticulation (handwaving)
	"Try it; it works"
	Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
	Blatant assertion
	Changing all the 2's to _n's
	Mutual consent
	Lack of a counterexample, and
	"It stands to reason"
%
prototype, n.:
	First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
	pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
	upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the
	prototype is not expected to work.
%
Pryor's Observation:
	How long you live has nothing to do 
	with how long you are going to be dead.
%
Pudder's Law:
	Anything that begins well will end badly.
	(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
%
purpitation, n.:
	To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
	don't want it, and then put it in another section.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Putt's Law:
	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
		Those who understand what they do not manage.
		Those who manage what they do not understand.
%
QOTD:
	 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair.  It's the hope."
%
QOTD:
	"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5."
%
QOTD:
	"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
%
QOTD:
	"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
		-- Joan of Arc
%
QOTD:
	"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
%
QOTD:
	"East is east... and let's keep it that way."
%
QOTD:
	"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
%
QOTD:
	"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
	I go to work."
%
QOTD:
	"Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
	to late to punish."
%
QOTD:
	"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
%
QOTD:
	"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
	ticket."
%
QOTD:
	"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
%
QOTD:
	"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
%
QOTD:
	"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the
	other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
%
QOTD:
	"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
%
QOTD:
	"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
%
QOTD:
	"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
%
QOTD:
	"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
%
QOTD:
	"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
%
QOTD:
	"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
	didn't work."
%
QOTD:
	"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
	horse with one of the horns broken off."
%
QOTD:
	"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
	it though.  Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
%
QOTD:
	"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
%
QOTD:
	"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
	the lost."
%
QOTD:
	"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
%
QOTD:
	"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
%
QOTD:
	"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
%
QOTD:
	"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
	dog for dinner."
%
QOTD:
	"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
	golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
%
QOTD:
	"I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
%
QOTD:
	"I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
%
QOTD:
	"I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
%
QOTD:
	"I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
%
QOTD:
	"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint.  And then go on
	strike.  To make less money."
%
QOTD:
	"I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
	all of my stuff."
%
QOTD:
	"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing
	trivial."
%
QOTD:
	"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
%
QOTD:
	"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the cologne, now would I?"
%
QOTD:
	"If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
%
QOTD:
	"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
%
QOTD:
	"In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
%
QOTD:
	"It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
	stations anymore."
%
QOTD:
	"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
	hands in his own pockets."
%
QOTD:
	"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
%
QOTD:
	"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
%
QOTD:
	"It's been Monday all week today."
%
QOTD:
	"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
%
QOTD:
	"It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
	the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
%
QOTD:
	"It's sort of a threat, you see.  I've never been very good at
	them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
%
QOTD:
	"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
%
QOTD:
	"Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
	on my part."
%
QOTD:
	"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
%
QOTD:
	"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
%
QOTD:
	"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
%
QOTD:
	"Of course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with
	a fake?"
%
QOTD:
	"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
%
QOTD:
	"Oh, no, no...  I'm not beautiful.  Just very, very pretty."
%
QOTD:
	"Our parents were never our age."
%
QOTD:
	"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
%
QOTD:
	"Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis
	shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
%
QOTD:
	"She's about as smart as bait."
%
QOTD:
	"Sure, I turned down a drink once.  Didn't understand the question."
%
QOTD:
	"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
	neck to get the dog to play with it."
%
QOTD:
	"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
%
QOTD:
	"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
%
QOTD:
	"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
	left."
%
QOTD:
	"Unlucky?  If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
%
QOTD:
	"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed?   Just what made you
	think he was broken!"
%
QOTD:
	"What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
	when I mess things up."
%
QOTD:
	"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
	"baring your neck."
%
QOTD:
	"When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
%
QOTD:
	"Who?  Me?  No, no, NO!!  But I do sell rugs."
%
QOTD:
	"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
%
QOTD:
	"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
	How...  tribal."
%
QOTD:
	"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
%
QOTD:
	All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
%
QOTD:
	All I want is more than my fair share.
%
QOTD:
	Flash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
	save the earth!
%
QOTD:
	How can I miss you if you won't go away?
%
QOTD:
	I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
	then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
		-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
%
QOTD:
	I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
%
QOTD:
	I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
	ball in their court.
		-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
%
QOTD:
	I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
%
QOTD:
	I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".

	[I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
%
QOTD:
	I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
%
QOTD:
	If it's too loud, you're too old.
%
QOTD:
	If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
%
QOTD:
	Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
	mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand.  Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
	on the work, died similarly in 1933.  Now it is our turn.
		-- Goodstein, States of Matter 
%
QOTD:
	Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
%
QOTD:
	My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
%
QOTD:
	On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say...  oh, somewhere in there.
%
QOTD:
	Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
%
QOTD:
	Silence is the only virtue he has left.
%
QOTD:
	Some people have one of those days.  I've had one of those lives.
%
QOTD:
	Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
	I do what I get paid to do.
%
QOTD:
	Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
	and the others are more than willing to watch them.
%
QOTD:
	The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
	the snakes have gone away.
%
QOTD:
	The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
	gerbil has more dark meat.
%
QOTD:
	Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
	Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S'great...
%
Quality control, n.:
	Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
	and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
%
Quality Control, n.:
	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
	a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
%
quark:
	The sound made by a well bred duck.
%
Quigley's Law:
	Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
	atttempt to use it.
%
QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]   1. a unit of weight
equal to 13 poiuyt  avoirdupois  (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
structural engineering  2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
grown sligo can carry.  3. [Anat.] a painful  irritation  of  the dermis
in the region of the anus  4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
symptoms of a qwert.
		-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
%
Ralph's Observation:
	It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you
	are in a hurry.
%
Random, n.:
	As in number, predictable.  As in memory access, unpredictable.
%
Ray's Rule of Precision:
	Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
%
Re: Graphics:
	A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
	the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
	described with pictures.
%
Real Time, adj.:
	Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
%
Real World, The, n.:
	1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc.  2. To
programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
to programming.  3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.  4.
The location of the status quo.  5. Anywhere outside a university.
"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world."  Used
pejoratively by those not in residence there.  In conversation, talking
of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
deceased person.
%
Reappraisal, n.:
	An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
%
Reception area, n.:
	The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
	innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
	magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
	while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
	Cosmopolitan.
%
Recursion n.:
	See Recursion.
		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%
Reformed, n.:
	A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
%
Regression analysis:
	Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
	getting worse.
%
Reichel's Law:
	A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
	an outside force.
%
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
	If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
%
Reliable source, n.:
	The guy you just met.
%
Renning's Maxim:
	Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
%
Reporter, n.:
	A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
	tempest of words.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Reputation, adj.:
	What others are not thinking about you.
%
Research, n.:
	Consider Columbus:
	He didn't know where he was going.
	When he got there he didn't know where he was.
	When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
	And he did it all on someone else's money.
%
Responsibility:
	Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility.  This is
a lot of bunk.  Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
goes wrong.  When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
is to take the blame for your mistakes.  If they're smart, that is.
		-- Cerebus, "On Governing"
%
Revolution, n.:
	A form of government abroad.
%
Revolution, n.:
	In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
revolutionary, adj.:
	Repackaged.
%
Rhode's Law:
	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
	or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
	circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
	estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
	of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
	personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
	above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
	adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
	and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
	assume otherwise, maybe.
%
Ritchie's Rule:
	(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
	(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
	(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
%
Robot, n.:
	University administrator.
%
Robustness, adj.:
	Never having to say you're sorry.
%
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention:
	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
	reject the proposal.
%
Rudd's Discovery:
	You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
	$300,000 to $400,000, but they don't.  Why?  Because they can
	stay in Washington and make it there.
%
Rudin's Law:
	If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
	do it every time.

Rudin's Second Law:
	In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
	courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
	course.
%
rugged, adj.:
	Too heavy to lift.
%
Rule #1:
	The Boss is always right.

Rule #2:
	If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
%
Rule of Creative Research:
	(1) Never draw what you can copy.
	(2) Never copy what you can trace.
	(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
%
Rule of Defactualization:
	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
%
Rule of Feline Frustration:
	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
	content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
	bathroom.
%
Rule of the Great:
	When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
	thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
%
Rules for Academic Deans:
	(1)  HIDE!!!!
	(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!
		-- Father Damian C. Fandal
%
Rules for driving in New York:
	(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
	(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
	(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
	    intersection.
%
Rules for Writers:
	Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.  Don't use no double
negatives.  Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
and never where it isn't.  Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
omit it when its not needed.  No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
unnecessary.  Eschew dialect, irregardless.  And don't start a sentence with
a conjunction.  Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
Write all adverbial forms correct.  Don't use contractions in formal writing.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.  It is incumbent on
us to avoid archaisms.  Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
snuck in the language.  Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.  If I've
told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.  Also,
avoid awkward or affected alliteration.  Don't string too many prepositional
phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
death.  "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
%
Rune's Rule:
	If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
%
Ryan's Law:
	Make three correct guesses consecutively
	and you will establish yourself as an expert.
%
Sacher's Observation:
	Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
%
Satellite Safety Tip #14:
	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
%
Sattinger's Law:
	It works better if you plug it in.
%
Savage's Law of Expediency:
	You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
%
scenario, n.:
	An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
	which a business decision is made.  Scenarios always come in
	sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
%
Schapiro's Explanation:
	The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
	because they use more manure.
%
Schlattwhapper, n.:
	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
	hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Schmidt's Observation:
	All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
	than a thin person.
%
Scott's First Law:
	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Scott's Second Law:
	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
	to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
	After the correction has been found in error, it will be
	impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
	equation.
%
scribline, n.:
	The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Second Law of Business Meetings:
	If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
	will pick the wrong one.

Corollary:
	If there is only one way to spell a name,
	you will spell it wrong, anyway.
%
Second Law of Final Exams:
	In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
	distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
%
Secretary's Revenge:
	Filing almost everything under "the".
%
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
	Ice Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.
%
Self Test for Paranoia:
	You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
	your own fault.
%
Senate, n.:
	A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
senility, n.:
	The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree.
%
serendipity, n.:
	The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
%
Serocki's Stricture:
	Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
%
Shannon's Observation:
	Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to
	improve.
%
share, n.:
	To give in, endure humiliation.
%
Shaw's Principle:
	Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
	want to use it.
%
Shedenhelm's Law:
	All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
%
Shick's Law:
	There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
%
Silverman's Law:
	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
%
Simon's Law:
	Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
%
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
	or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
	should have gotten.
%
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
	(1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
	(2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
	(3)  There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind, which is
	    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
	    attracted to dark objects.
%
Slous' Contention:
	If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
%
Slurm, n.:
	The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
	it sits in the dish too long.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Snacktrek, n.:
	The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
	returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
	materialized.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
snappy repartee:
	What you'd say if you had another chance.
%
Sodd's Second Law:
	Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
	bound to occur.
%
Software, n.:
	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
%
Some points to remember [about animals]:
	(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
	    hippopotamuses;
	(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
	    front of your clothes;
	(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
	    you have just kicked.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
spagmumps, n.:
	Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
	The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
	number of times you have looked at it.
%
Spence's Admonition:
	Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
%
Spirtle, n.:
	The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.
		-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
Spouse, n.:
	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
	wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
%
squatcho, n.:
	The button at the top of a baseball cap.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
standards, n.:
	The principles we use to reject other people's code.
%
statistics, n.:
	A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing
	scientific guise.
%
Steckel's Rule to Success:
	Good enough is never good enough.
%
Steele's Law:
	There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than ten men
	or fewer than one hundred.
%
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
	Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
	another drink.
%
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
	Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
%
Stenderup's Law:
	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
%
Stock's Observation:
	You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls
	your flippers off.
%
Stone's Law:
	One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
%
strategy, n.:
	A comprehensive plan of inaction.
%
Strategy:
	A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
	after those creating it have left the organization.
%
Stult's Report:
	Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
	fight the solutions.
%
Stupid, n.:
	Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
%
Sturgeon's Law:
	90% of everything is crud.
%
sugar daddy, n.:
	A man who can afford to raise cain.
%
SUN Microsystems:
	The Network IS the Load Average.
%
sunset, n.:
	Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
	resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
	progressively reducing solar elevation.
%
sushi, n.:
	When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
	strapped on with electrical tape.
%
Sushido, n.:
	The way of the tuna.
%
Swahili, n.:
	The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.
		-- Johnny Hart
%
Sweater, n.:
	A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
%
Swipple's Rule of Order:
	He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
%
system-independent, adj.:
	Works equally poorly on all systems.
%
T-shirt of the Day:
	Head for the Mountains
		-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer

Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
	If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
		-- courtesy someone else
%
T-shirt Of The Day:
	I'm the person your mother warned you about.
%
T-shirt:
	Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
%
Tact, n.:
	The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
%
take forceful action:
	Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
%
tax office, n.:
	Den of inequity.
%
Taxes, n.:
	Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
	an extension.
%
taxidermist, n.:
	A man who mounts animals.
%
TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:

Gong, n: Medieval term for privy, or what pased for them in that era.
Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.

"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
		-- Dave Mills
%
teamwork, n.:
	Having someone to blame.
%
Technicality, n.:
	In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having
	accused a neighbor of murder.  His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt
	hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one
	side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the
	other shoulder."  The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the
	court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder,
	for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an
	inference.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Telephone, n.:
	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages
	of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
telepression, n.:
	The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
	hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
	burden on the directory assistant.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Teutonic:
	Not enough gin.
%
The 357.73 Theory:
	Auditors always reject expense accounts
	with a bottom line divisible by 5.
%
The Abrams' Principle:
	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
%
The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
	I don't mind... and you don't matter.
		-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
%
The Beatles:
	Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
%
The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development:
	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
	program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
	one, and convert to the next higher units.
%
The Consultant's Curse:
	When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
	what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong
	medicine, and is normally only required once.
%
The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:

	"I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.

	"Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
Jews won't go near them ..."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
The Fifth Rule:
	You have taken yourself too seriously.
%
The First Rule of Program Optimization:
	Don't do it.

The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
	Don't do it yet.
		-- Michael Jackson
%
The five rules of Socialism:
	(1) Don't think.
	(2) If you do think, don't speak.
	(3) If you think and speak, don't write.
	(4) If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
	(5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
	(1) You can't push on a string.
	(2) Ain't no free lunches.
	(3) Them as has, gets.
	(4) You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
%
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
	He who has the gold makes the rules.
%
The Gordian Maxim:
	If a string has one end, it has another.
%
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
	The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship,
	his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks.
	Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of
	time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
	Hedgehog Eater.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
%
The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy.  Thus:

Retribution:
	I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
Anticipation:
	I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
Diplomacy:
	I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
	pretext that your brother did it.
%
The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
	A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and
	sometimes it blows.
%
The Kennedy Constant:
	Don't get mad -- get even.
%
The Law of the Letter:
	The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
%
The Marines:
	The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
%
The Marines:
	The few, the proud, the not very bright.
%
The Modelski Chain Rule:
(1)	Look intently at the problem for several minutes.  Scratch your
	head at 20-30 second intervals.  Try solving the problem on your
	Hewlett-Packard.
(2)	Failing this, look around at the class.  Select a particularly
	bright-looking individual.
(3)	Procure a large chain.
(4)	Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
	with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
	Generally, he will.  It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
	thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
%
The most dangerous organization in America today is:
	(a) The KKK
	(b) The American Nazi Party
	(c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
%
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
	Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
	Planning."
%
The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
	Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
	you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
	is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
	unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
%
The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
	Use a sunlamp only on weekends.  That way, if the office wise guy
	remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
	some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
	like Caneel Bay.  Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
	office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
	god at 8:15 the next morning.
%
The Phone Booth Rule:
	A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
%
The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
	"My brain is paged out to my liver."
%
The real man's Bloody Mary:
	Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire 
	sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.

	Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
	Throw all the other ingredients away.
%
The Roman Rule:
	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
	one who is doing it.
%
The rules:
	 (1) Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
	 (2) Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while
	      sitting at the console keyboard.
	 (3) Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly
	     little card decks together.
	 (4) Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
	     especially if you're already married.
	 (5) Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk
	     pack as a stool to reach another disk pack.
	 (6) Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one
	     eight hour shift.
	 (7) Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
	     files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
	 (8) Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
	 (9) Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
	(10) Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
%
The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
	If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
		-- Jim Warner
%
The Seventh Commandments for Technicians:
	Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow
	workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other
	ways.
%
The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
	The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a
	direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.)
		-- Dan Roddick
%
The Third Law of Photography:
	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
	when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
	the dark leaks out.
%
The three biggest software lies:
	(1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
	(2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
	    will fix the microcode.
	(3) Beta test site?  No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
%
The three laws of thermodynamics:
	(1) You can't get anything without working for it.
	(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
	(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
%
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof:
	No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
	Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
%
Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
	Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
	(positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.

Proceed by induction:
	If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
	So A = B.

Assume that the theorem is true for some value k.  Take A and B with
	MAX(A, B) = k+1.  Then  MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k.  And hence
	(A-1) = (B-1).  Consequently, A = B.
%
Theory of Selective Supervision:
	The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
	the one time the boss walks through the office.
%
theory, n.:
	System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
	originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
	it will look in print.
%
There are three ways to get something done:
	(1) Do it yourself.
	(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
	(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
%
Those lovable Brits department:
	They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
%
Three rules for sounding like an expert:
	(1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
	(2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out
	    when they can be ignored.
	(3) Come up with three rules of your own.
%
Thyme's Law:
	Everything goes wrong at once.
%
timesharing, n:
	An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
%
Tip of the Day:
	Never fry bacon in the nude.

	[Correction: always fry bacon in the nude; you'll learn not to burn it]
%
TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
	Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
	There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
	Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
		they would ordinarily.
	There is no music in space.
	People will pay to watch people make sounds.
	Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
%
today, n.:
	A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
%
toilet toup'ee, n.:
	Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
	creating endless annoyance to male users.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
	If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
%
transfer, n.:
	A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
%
transparent, adj.:
	Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
	"It's there, but you can't see it"
		-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.

virtual, adj.:
	Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
	"I can see it, but it's not there."
		-- Lady Macbeth.
%
travel, n.:
	Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
%
"Trust me":
	Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
%
Truthful, adj.:
	Dumb and illiterate.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Tsort's Constant:
	1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between
the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" (slightly modified)
%
Turnaucka's Law:
	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
	electrical cord.
%
Tussman's Law:
	Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
%
U.S. of A.:
	"Don't speak to the bus driver."
Germany:
	"It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
England:
	"You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
Scotland:
	"What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
Italy:
	"Don't answer the driver."
%
Udall's Fourth Law:
	Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you
	don't like.
%
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
	Never use your thumb for a rule.
	You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
%
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
	Superiority is recessive.
%
understand, v.:
	To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
	you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
	basis of your own internal model instead.
%
Unfair animal names:

-- tsetse fly			-- bullhead
-- booby			-- duck-billed platypus
-- sapsucker			-- Clarence
		-- Gary Larson
%
unfair competition, n.:
	Selling cheaper than we do.
%
union, n.:
	A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
%
Universe, n.:
	The problem.
%
University, n.:
	Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable,
	and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix
	it, and ...

	[Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
	 the credibility of the entire fortune program.  Ed.]
%
Unnamed Law:
	If it happens, it must be possible.
%
untold wealth, n.:
	What you left out on April 15th.
%
User n.:
	A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
%
user, n.:
	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
		-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"

[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
 when they meant "idiot."  Ed.]
%
vacation, n.:
	A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
	it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
	life-style to recuperate.
%
Vail's Second Axiom:
	The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
	amount of work already completed.
%
Van Roy's Law:
	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%
Van Roy's Law:
	Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.

Van Roy's Truism:
	Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
%
Vanilla, adj.:
	Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food,
	very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
	extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
	"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
	and sour won ton soup.
%
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
	(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
	(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
%
Viking, n.:
	1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
	entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
	business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
	2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
	in the 9th century.

Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
property.
%
VMS, n.:
	The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
%
volcano, n.:
	A mountain with hiccups.
%
Volley Theory:
	It is better to have lobbed and lost than never to have lobbed at all.
%
vuja de:
	The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
%
Walters' Rule:
	All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
	the center of the terminal.  Nobody ever had a reservation
	on a plane that left Gate 1.
%
Watson's Law:
	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
	number and significance of any persons watching it.
%
"We'll look into it":
	By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
	assume you will have forgotten about it, too.
%
we:
	The single most important word in the world.
%
weapon, n.:
	An index of the lack of development of a culture.
%
Wedding, n:
	A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes
	to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Weed's Axiom:
	Never ask two questions in a business letter.
	The reply will discuss the one in which you are
	least interested and say nothing about the other.
%
Weiler's Law:
	Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
%
Weinberg's First Law:
	Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
%
Weinberg's Principle:
	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
	sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
%
Weinberg's Second Law:
	If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
	then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
	There are no answers, only cross references.
%
well-adjusted, adj.:
	The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
%
Westheimer's Discovery:
	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
	couple of hours in the library.
%
When asked the definition of "pi":
The Mathematician:
	Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
	circumference of a circle and its diameter.
The Physicist:
	Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
The Engineer:
	Pi is about 3.
%
Whistler's Law:
	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
%
White's Statement:
	Don't lose heart!

Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
	...they might want to cut it out...

Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
	...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
%
Whitehead's Law:
	The obvious answer is always overlooked.
%
Wiker's Law:
	Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
%
Wilcox's Law:
	A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
%
		William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never be
used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to agree with
their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words out.  If you reread
your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be
avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must not shift your point of
view.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse
exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully,
dangling participles must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of
a sentence, a linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should be
careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows the verb.  Last
but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
%
Williams and Holland's Law:
	If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical
	methods.
%
Wilner's Observation:
	All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
%
Wit, n.:
	The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
	... by leaving it out.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
wok, n.:
	Something to thwow at a wabbit.
%
wolf, n.:
	A man who knows all the ankles.
%
Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
	(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
	(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
	(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
	(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
	    VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
	(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
		-- Rich Kulawiec
%
Woodward's Law:
	A theory is better than its explanation.
%
Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
	People would rather live with a problem they cannot
	solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
%
Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
	We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage any
thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not
consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are, and to have
anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
%
work, n.:
	The blessed respite from screaming kids and
	soap operas for which you actually get paid.
%
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
	August.  The lift lines are the shortest, though.
		-- Steve Rubenstein
%
Worst Month of the Year:
	February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
	you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
	don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
		-- Steve Rubenstein
%
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
	From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
	in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
	damage my videotapes?"
%
Worst Vegetable of the Year:
	The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
		-- Steve Rubenstein
%
write-protect tab, n.:
	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
	by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error message
	once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
	inconvenience.
		-- Robb Russon
%
WYSIWYG:
	What You See Is What You Get.
%
XIIdigitation, n.:
	The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
	by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Year, n.:
	A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Yinkel, n.:
	A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
	will notice.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
yo-yo, n.:
	Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
	(see also Computer).
%
Zall's Laws:
	(1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
	   will be wrong.
	(2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
	   door you're on.
%
zeal, n.:
	Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
%
Zero Defects, n.:
	The result of shutting down a production line.
%
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
	People are always available for work in the past tense.
%
1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
3/4 oz. tequilla
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. orange juice
3/4 oz. sour mix
1/2 oz. cola
shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
		Long Island Iced Tea
%
6 oz. orange juice
1 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. Galliano
		Harvey Wallbangers
%
A beer delayed is a beer denied.
%
A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.

		[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.

Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
%
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with
-- even if he drank.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
%
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest
poison is time.
		-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
%
Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
%
Always store beer in a dark place.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
		-- Dylan Thomas
%
And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
%
... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
		-- J. B. White
%
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Because the wine remembers.
%
Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
%
Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
%
Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
	"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
%
Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
victuals being spent and especially our beer."
	-- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
%
Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
%
Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
		-- Charles Lamb
%
But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
%
Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
Jaka:		Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it?
Jaka:		Ugh!
Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?
		-- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
%
Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero
... must drink brandy.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
	"Wait a minute.  Aren't you a string?"
	"Well, yes, I am."
	"Sorry.  We don't serve strings here."
	The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by.  "Excuse,
me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?"  The
passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar.  "May I have a beer,
please?" it asked the bartender.
	The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
	"No, I'm a frayed knot."
%
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.
		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life.
		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted

Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in.
		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
%
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
		-- Cheers, Truce or Consequences

Sam:   What's up, Norm?
Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.
		-- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action

Coach: What's the story, Norm?
Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.
		-- Cheers, Endless Slumper
%
Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.
		-- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail

Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.
		-- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man

Sam:  What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll take a glass of whatever
      comes out of that tap.
Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
		-- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
%
Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach.
		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights

Coach:  What's shaking, Norm?
Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
		-- Cheers, Snow Job

Coach:  Beer, Normie?
Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.  Eh, why not, I'm still young.
		-- Cheers, Snow Job
%
Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
		-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
%
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
%
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
%
Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.
%
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
%
Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for
instant motor skills.
		-- Marc Price
%
Drinking is not a spectator sport.
		-- Jim Brosnan
%
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
with, that it's compounding a felony.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
lot a poker.
		-- Karyl Roosevelt
%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
%
ELECTRIC JELL-O

2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water
1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol

Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til
	fully dissolved.
Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)
Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing
	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
	the faint of heart.
Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
Cut into squares and enjoy!

WARNING:
	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for
	children under eight years of age.
%
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.
%
	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.

	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
%
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
		-- Jimmy Cannon
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17

	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
	Juliet, this bud's for you.
%
FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
	Christmas Rum Cake

1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder
1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice
2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar
2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
poothtick comes out crean.
%
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
%
Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
	fifth of dry red wine
	fifth of Aquavit
	1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
	10 cardamom seeds
	1 cup raisins
	4 dried figs
	1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
	a few pieces of dried orange peel
	5 cloves
	1/2 lb. sugar cubes
	Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
	N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
extraction.
%
Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
%
Harry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with
milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the 
sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
with all that pep and vitality.
%
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
%
Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!"
%
He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
%
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
		-- W. C. Fields
%
HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
	Take a shot every time:

-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
	if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
	tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
-- Lebeau wears his apron.
-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when someone claims that the plan is
	impossible.
-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
%
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
		-- Phil Harris
%
I distrust a man who says when.  If he's got to be careful not to drink
too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
		-- K. Coates
%
I drink to make other people interesting.
		-- George Jean Nathan
%
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
minutes of my life!
%
I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.  I do believe that is a record.
		-- Dylan Thomas, his last words
%
I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
		-- Richard Burton
%
I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
I haven't had time for tobacco since.
		-- Arturo Toscanini
%
I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
%
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
		-- Alexander Woolcott
%
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all
saloonkeepers were Democrats.
%
I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
%
I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
%
I used to have a drinking problem.  Now I love the stuff.
%
I will not drink!
But if I do...
I will not get drunk!
But if I do...
I will not in public!
But if I do...
I will not fall down!
But if I do...
I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
%
I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
%
I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
%
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
		-- Fred Allen

[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson.  Ed.]
%
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
%
I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
%
I've always made it a solemn practice to never drink anything stronger
than tequila before breakfast.
		-- R. Nesson
%
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
		-- George Gobel
%
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
%
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
%
If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or
so to my other generals.
		-- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
%
If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
		-- Edward E. Hippensteel

[What brand of ink?  Ed.]
%
If you don't drink it, someone else will.
%
If you drink, don't park.  Accidents make people.
%
In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
in a very familiar pose -- arms raised above him, leading the country to
revolution.  But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.

It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
%
In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
%
In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
%
In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car
it's impossible.
%
In vino veritas.
	[In wine there is truth.]
		-- Pliny
%
It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
and getting people under the influence.
		-- Jeremy Tunstall
%
It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party!
		-- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
%
It's gonna be alright,
It's almost midnight,
And I've got two more bottles of wine.
%
It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets
another beer.
		-- Cheers
%
It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
%
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
%
Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
%
Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
%
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
disguise she would recommend for him.  She replied, "Why don't you come
sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
%
Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
they can. I'm sick of the job.  It's a thankless one and full of grief.
		-- Al Capone
%
Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
		-- Don Reed
%
Look at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.  And you're still
drinking ordinary scotch?
%
Look at it this way: Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
forget $26,000 of college education. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
%
Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
grasshopper.  Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
	"Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased.  "They've
named a drink Fred?"
%
"Mind if I smoke?"
	"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
%
"Mind if I smoke?"
	"Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
%
My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
		-- Crazy Jimmy
%
My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
		-- George Gobel
%
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
%
Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
%
No, I don't have a drinking problem.

I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.

No problem!
%
[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]

Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
		-- Cheers, Norman's Conquest

Coach:  What's up, Normie?
Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.
		-- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)

Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm:   Going down?
		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
%
[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]

Off-screen crowd:  Norm!
Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?
Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
		-- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity

Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Elope with my wife.
		-- Cheers, The Triangle

Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
		-- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
%
[Norm is angry.]

Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Clifford Clavin's head.
		-- Cheers, The Triangle

Sam:  Hey, what's happening, Norm?
Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
      and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
		-- Cheers, The Peterson Principle

Sam:  How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
		-- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
%
[Norm returns from the hospital.]

Coach:  What's up, Norm?
Norm:   Everything that's supposed to be.
		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom

Sam:  What's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach.  They're demanding beer.
		-- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter

Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
Norm:  Just the usual, Coach.  I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
		-- Cheers, King of the Hill
%
[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
Norm:  Afternoon, everybody!
All:   Anton!
		-- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
		-- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible

Sam:  What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?  Ah, just kidding.
      Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
		-- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
%
Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.
		-- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter

Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
		-- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's

Coach: How's life, Norm?
Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.
		-- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
%
Norm:  Hey, everybody.
All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
Norm:  [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
       Norm!   (Norman.)
       How are you feeling today, Norm?
       Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer.
		-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash

Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
       Film at eleven.
		-- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar

Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
		-- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
%
Not all men who drink are poets.  Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
%
Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer --
it just seems that way.
%
NOTICE:
	Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
	be summarily put out.
%
Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with
unfettered foot.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power
tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
		-- Crazy Nigel
%
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
%
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
		-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
%
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
%
One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company.  While they were discussing the
merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent.  Malone turns around to see
his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
	Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
been havin' all these years."
	Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
Malone.  He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye.  The bar is
totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
drink.  She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
	Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
head.  Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
%
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups --
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
		-- Alex Levine
%
PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!

Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
	 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
%
Police:	Good evening, are you the host?
Host:	No.
Police:	We've been getting complaints about this party.
Host:	About the drugs?
Police:	No.
Host:	About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?
Police:	No, the noise.
Host:	Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns
	or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the
	background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?
	The neighbors?
Police:	No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent
	complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could
	ask the host to quiet things down?
Host:	No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
	religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
	room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
	lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out
	onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind
	down.
%
Preserve Wildlife!  Throw a party today!
%
Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
	(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
	(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
		Santraginus V  (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
	(3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
		mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
	(4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
	(5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
		Qualactin Hypermint extract.
	(6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.  Watch it dissolve.
	(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
	(8) Add an olive.
	(9) Drink... but... very carefully...
%
Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the
town drunk.
%
Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
become necessary.
		-- Edgar Friedenberg
%
Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I got
started one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray."
%
Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?
Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?
		-- Cheers, Loverboyd

Sam:   Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
Norm:  Beats me. ...  Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
		-- Cheers, Loverboyd

Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
%
Sam:   What's the good word, Norm?
Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up.
		-- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday

Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm?
Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.  And down it goes.
		-- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor

Woody:  What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I'll settle for a beer.
		-- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
%
Sam:  What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
		-- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice

Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town?
		-- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up

Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
All:  Norm!  (Norman.)
Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?
Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
		-- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
%
Sam:  What's going on, Normie?
Norm: My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in
      it, and I'll blow out my liver.
		-- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone

Woody: Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
Norm:  Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
       Found him every couple of blocks.
		-- Cheers, Head Over Hill
%
Sam:  What's new, Norm?
Norm: Most of my wife.
		-- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One

Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm:  Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
		-- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone

Coach: What's doing, Norm?
Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  I happen
       to be the guinea pig.
		-- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
%
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
%
Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
	Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
	U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
	describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
	the environment, and anticipated opposition.  Statements must be
	filed 30 days in advance.
%
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
		-- Fletcher Knebel
%
Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%
Smoking Prohibited.  Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
%
So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
large as it needs to be?
%
Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
%
Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the
only ashtray.
%
	Split		1/4 bottle	.187 liters
	Half		1/2 bottle
	Bottle		750 milliliters
	Magnum		2 bottles	1.5 liters
	Jeroboam	4 bottles
	Rehoboam	6 bottles	Not available in the US
	Methuselah	8 bottles
	Salmanazar	12 bottles
	Balthazar	16 bottles
	Nebuchadnezzar	20 bottles	15 liters
	Sovereign	34 bottles	26 liters

	The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
largest cruise ship in the world.  The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
to produce and they only made 8 of them.
	Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
%
Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
			unusually pale and clear.
Problem:		Glass empty.
Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:		Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
			and the front of your shirt is wet.
Fault:			Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
			wrong part of face.
Action Required:	Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
			Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
		-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Symptom:		Everything has gone dark.
Fault:			The Bar is closing.
Action Required:	Panic.

Symptom:		You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
			You cannot see the bathroom light.
Fault:			You have spent the night in the gutter.
Action Required:	Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not,
			treat yourself to a lie-in.
		-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Symptom:		Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
Fault:			Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action Required:	Turn glass other way up so that open end points
			toward ceiling.

Symptom:		Feet warm and wet.
Fault:			Improper bladder control.
Action Required:	Go stand next to nearest dog.  After a while complain
			to the owner about its lack of house training and
			demand a beer as compensation.
		-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Symptom:		Floor blurred.
Fault:			You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action Required:	Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:		Floor moving.
Fault:			You are being carried out.
Action Required:	Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not,
			complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
		-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Symptom:		Floor swaying.
Fault:			Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
			game in progress.
Action Required:	Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom:		Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
			and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
Fault:			You have fallen forward.
Action Required:	See above.

Symptom:		Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
			flourescent light strips.
Fault:			You have fallen over backward.
Action Required:	If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
			drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help
			you get up, lash yourself to bar.
		-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Take me drunk, I'm home again!
%
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
		-- Maurice Baring
%
The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
smoke is a right worth dying for.
%
The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
%
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
walk carefully.
		-- Russian Proverb
%
The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit.  Arriving at the
lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door.  After several minutes
of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
	"Whaddaya want?"
	"Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
	"Yeah," replied the voice.  "Dump him on the front porch."
%
The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to
change your name and start a new life in different city.
		-- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
%
The search for the perfect martini is a fraud.  The perfect martini is
a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
of civilization.
		-- T.K.
%
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
them a drink.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
%
The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
the worst cigars.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 
restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 
dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress.  She
sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
%
The water was not fit to drink.  To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
		-- Humphrey Bogart
%
The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
not the dog, is man's best friend.  Rover is taking a beating -- and he should.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
%
There are only two kinds of tequila.  Good and better.
%
There are two problems with a major hangover.  You feel
like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
%
There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl.  But give me the rambling
rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
together we'll face the world.
		-- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
%
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
%
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
%
These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
%
They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
%
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
%
To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
bitters.  Shake.
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
%
Too ripped.  Gotta go.
%
Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
%
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 
barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
	"One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
knows when to stop."
%
Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
		-- E.F. Benson
%
We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
		-- Walter Summers
%
What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
		-- J.D. Farley
%
When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob.
		-- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
%
When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.
A loud general cheer went up.  After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
drink!"  The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
	As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
onto the stool.  "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
%
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.  I
have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with
slightly over half that quantity of beer.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
		-- Al Capone
%
When the cup is full, carry it level.
%
When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
%
	While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
	Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
you burn, madam."
%
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%
Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
fresh one for a quarter of the price?
%
Woman on Street:	Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
Winston Churchill:	Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
			I shall be sober in the morning.
%
Wonderful day.  Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
%
Woody:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
        Let's just cut to the happy ending.
		-- Cheers, Airport V

Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
		-- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back

Sam:  Beer, Norm?
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good.
		-- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
%
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm:  Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
		-- Cheers, Feeble Attraction

Sam:  What are you up to Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
		-- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh

Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
		-- Cheers, Loverboyd
%
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
Norm:  See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
		-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah

Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down.
		-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah

Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
		-- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
%
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
Norm:  The warranty on my liver.
		-- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do

Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
		-- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood.
		-- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
%
Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Poor.
Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Norm:  No, I meant `pour'.
		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another beer.
		-- Cheers, The Proposal

Paul:  Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper.
		-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
%
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson.  A beer, Woody.
		-- Cheers, Paint Your Office

Sam:  How's life treating you?
Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
		-- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss

Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody:  For a beer?
Norm:   No, for stupid questions.
		-- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
%
Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1

Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool.
		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
       Eh, make that one-thirty.
		-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
%
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
		-- Mike Romanoff
%
You can't fall off the floor.
%
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
		-- Dean Martin
%
A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
best.  That's dangerous.  Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
schools as 'standards'?  Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
elitist.  ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
professionals.  Those texts are called 'reading material.'  They are the
academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
resource centers along the roads.
		-- The Underground Grammarian
%
A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
%
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and
art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%
A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea.
		-- John Ciardi
%
A grammarian's life is always in tense.
%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
		-- William James
%
A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
its species, managed to trap them in a corner.  The children cowered,
terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
Save us!  Save us!  We're scared, Mother!"
	Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
proud.  The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
	As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
you saved us!" and "Yay!  You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
language?"
%
A Parable of Modern Research:

	Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
brightly lit corner.
	"Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
	"I can only see here."
%
A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
%
	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
			  by Mark Twain

	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%
	A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to fulfill
his wellness potential."
	Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
	A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
personnel devices."  You probably call them bombs.
	At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were fired.
	After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
only to receive the following notice:  "We must report that during the handling
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
unusual laboratory experience."  The use of the passive is a particularly nice
touch, don't you think?  Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
experience.  Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
sent him.
		-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
%
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
thought of.
		-- Burt Bacharach
%
A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
%
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
		-- John Ciardi
%
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
	-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
%
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
%
Abstract:
	This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects.  Of the white-collar
men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
their neck circumference.  The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test.  Results of the CFF
test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
		-- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
		   Neck in Relation to Visual Performance."  Human Factors 29,
		   #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
%
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
because the stakes are so low.
		-- Wallace Sayre
%
Academicians care, that's who.
%
=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============

To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 
afford maximum inconvenience to the student.  For example, if you happen
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes.  If you commute,
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
%
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%
As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
		-- J.F. Kennedy
%
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
%
Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978).  In the
analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
		-- A. Benjamin
%
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
it.  If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
		-- Peter Ustinov
%
... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
		-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
%
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.
		-- M. M. Johnston
%
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
		-- David Guaspari
%
Dear Freshman,
	You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather
prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
%
Dear Miss Manners:
	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
courses, is all right.  Which is correct?

Gentle Reader:
	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics
class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this principle of
education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
%
Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
%
Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book?
%
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
%
Do you know the difference between education and experience?  Education
is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get
when you don't.
		-- Pete Seeger
%
Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
%
Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
demand.  The less of either the people have, the less they want.
		-- Charlotte Observer, 1897
%
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
%
Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
		-- Daniel J. Boorstin
%
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
		-- Irwin Edman
%
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
		-- B.F. Skinner
%
Educational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead
to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
royal-blue chickens.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Eloquence is logic on fire.
%
Encyclopedia for sale by father.  Son knows everything.
%
Engineering:    "How will this work?"
Science:        "Why will this work?"
Management:     "When will this work?"
Liberal Arts:   "Do you want fries with that?"
%
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak
it to?
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers.  My
opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.  There's many a bestseller
that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
		-- Flannery O'Connor
%
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.
		-- C.C. Colton
%
Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.
%
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
%
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
%
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
%
f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
%
Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:

WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS:			YOU WRITE:

Probably the greatest quality of the poetry	John Milton -- born 1608
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
combination of beauty and power.  Few have
excelled him in the use of the English language,
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
single poem ever written."

Current historians have come to			Most of the problems that now
doubt the complete advantageousness		face the United States are
of some of Roosevelt's policies...		directly traceable to the
						bungling and greed of President
						Roosevelt.

... it is possible that we simply do		Professor Mitchell is a
not understand the Russian viewpoint...		communist.
%
Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
		-- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink",  ed. D. Wynn
%
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
%
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
%
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
		-- Gail Godwin
%
Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.
%
Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads.
They're just older.
%
He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
"He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him insufferable."
%
He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
education and culture.
		-- Julia Norton McCorkle
%
[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
a complete set.
		-- Ring Lardner
%
Higher education helps your earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
%
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
%
History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
		-- Leo Tolstoy
%
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
		-- Elliot, "E.T."
%
I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you will not sell me
another book.
%
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
		-- English Professor
%
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
		-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
%
I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
		-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
		   University of Tennessee at Knoxville
%
I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
		-- Firesign Theatre
%
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
%
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
%
I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting:
a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental
instability.
		-- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
%
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper)
presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
		-- English Professor, Providence College
%
If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president
of Harvard.
		-- Edward Holyoke
%
If he had only learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might have
taught much more!
%
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
%
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
		-- Pope John Paul I
%
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.  See in
college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The college, which should
be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
I would have the studies elective.  Scholarship is to be created not
by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge.  The wise
instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
attractions the study has for himself.  The marking is a system for schools,
not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
put on a professor.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
		-- Wittgenstein
%
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
		-- Marguerite Emmons
%
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
%
If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
%
If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading
are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
%
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
		-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
%
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to
end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
		-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
%
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
		-- A. L.
%
Ignorance is never out of style.  It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
		-- Franklin K. Dane
%
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
%
Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
so resolutely pursuing it. 
%
Illiterate?  Write today, for free help!
%
	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
Junior, what are you up to?"
	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
rabbit.
	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!  No one
will publish such rubbish!"
	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
	They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.  Comes along a
wolf.  "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
	"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
wolves."
	"Are you crazy?  Where's your academic honesty?"
	"Come with me and I'll show you."
	As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
and a diploma in his paw.  Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
remnants of the wolf and the fox.

	The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
%
In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
teacher should know.  "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
said, "up to the mathematicians."
		-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
%
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
anything?  If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
		-- Crow T. Robot
%
It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
one can learn."
		-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
%
It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing.  It dehumanizes those who
achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
notions.  This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
folklore to Article of Belief.  It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
competence will be quite enough.
		-- The Underground Grammarian
%
	It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
the habit of thinking about what we are doing.  The precise opposite is the
case.  Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
which we can perform without thinking about them.  Operations of thought are
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
			It's grad exam time...
COMPUTER SCIENCE
	Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system.  Prove that these fixes are
bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
new system.  (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)

MATHEMATICS
	If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe the Universe.  Give three examples.
%
			It's grad exam time...
MEDICINE
	You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has
been inspected.  (You have 15 minutes.)

HISTORY
	Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific.

BIOLOGY
	Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
%
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
		-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
%
Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
		-- Snoopy
%
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
%
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
%
Learning without thought is labor lost;
thought without learning is perilous.
		-- Confucius
%
Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't
using ain't ain't eatin' well.
		-- Will Rogers
%
Most seminars have a happy ending.  Everyone's glad when they're over.
%
My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot
replace it."
		-- Erich Maria Remarque
%
Never have so many understood so little about so much.
		-- James Burke
%
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
%
No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which are
really worth the attending.
		-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
%
No matter who you are, some scholar can show you the great idea you had
was had by someone before you.
%
No wonder you're tired!  You understood so much today.
%
Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other reason
than self-protection.  We never recommend any of our graduates, although we
cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed their courses.
		-- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
%
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
is from the wrong kind of tree.
		-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University

I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
		-- Professor, Harvard, on a  senior thesis.
%
		`O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
Timewarp allowed: 3 hours.  Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells.  Orange may be worn.  Credit
will be given to candidates who self-actualise.

	(1) Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
	    neither has street credibility.
	(2) "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
	    on a juggernaut route."  Consider the dialectic of inner truth
	    and inner city.
	(3) Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
	    into a black hole.
	(4) "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
	    ripoff merchants."  Comment on this insult.
	(5) Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
	(6) "Castenada was a bit of a bozo."  How far is this a fair summing
	    up of western dualism?
	(7) Hermann Hesse was a Pisces.  Discuss.
%
"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
		-- Dr. Joy
%
OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
%
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
		-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%
Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way.  "The cost may be
upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
nearly 10m#.  "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris.  "Rarely does
the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
periphrasis for November, and another for lingers.  "The answer is in the
negative" is a periphrasis for No.  "Was made the recipient of" is a
periphrasis for Was presented with.  The periphrasis style is hardly possible
on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
nature, reference, regard, respect".  The existence of abstract nouns is a
proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
by many held to be inseparable.  These good people feel that there is an almost
indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
developments."
		-- Fowler's English Usage
%
"Plaese porrf raed."
		-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
%
Practice is the best of all instructors.
		-- Publilius
%
Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart.  Harvard's is a subtle
taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco.  It may even be a bad habit, for
all I know.
		-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
%
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's earned exam average
has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
%
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
%
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
%
Reporter:   "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
Yogi Berra: "Closed."
%
Rules for Good Grammar #4.
	 (1) Don't use no double negatives.
	 (2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
	 (3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
	 (4) About them sentence fragments.
	 (5) When dangling, watch your participles.
	 (6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
	 (7) Just between you and i, case is important.
	 (8) Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
	 (9) Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
	(10) Try to not ever split infinitives.
	(11) It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
	(12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
	(13) Correct speling is essential.
	(14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
	(15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
	     careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
	     become ensconsed in obscurity.  In other words, eschew obfuscation.
%
Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so smart my
teacher was in my class for five years.
		-- George Burns
%
Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
		-- Folk saying
%
"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
%
Spelling is a lossed art.
%
Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
without his duck ...
%
Teachers have class.
%
The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.  Don't ever do
this to my eyes again.
		-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
%
The alarm clock that is louder than God's own belongs to the roommate with
the earliest class.
%
The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
one graveyard to another.
		-- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
%
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
		-- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
%
	"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
and blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what wags it.  That is
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.  Learning
is the only thing for you.  Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
		-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
%
The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
intellectual nakedness.
		-- Robert M. Hutchins
%
The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, with
symposium to follow.
%
The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
		-- H.G. Wells
%
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
%
The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
		-- Menander
%
The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.
		-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
%
The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
		-- Earl Warren

That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
the lessons that history has to teach.
		-- Aldous Huxley

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
		-- Georg Hegel

HISTORY:  Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from what happened
this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.
		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.
		-- Hegel

I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view.
		-- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
%
The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
to sleep every few days.
%
The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
illiterates can read.
		-- Alberto Moravia
%
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
		-- Christopher Morley
%
"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
is an emerging underachiever."
%
The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.  The population is,
of course, growing.
%
The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
%
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%
The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
%
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
%
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious
seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the
unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more
bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the world put together.
		-- Sir Peter Medawar
%
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
%
The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an
open doorway with an open mind.
		-- E.B. White
%
There are no answers, only cross-references.
		-- Weiner
%
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for
these only gave life, those the art of living well.
		-- Aristotle
%
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
		-- Hector Berlioz
%
To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun.  To accuse neither
oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
		-- Epictetus
%
To craunch a marmoset.
		-- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
%
To teach is to learn twice.
		-- Joseph Joubert
%
To teach is to learn.
%
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
		-- Charles Schulz
%
Trying to get an education here is like trying to get a drink from a fire hose.
%
Universities are places of knowledge.  The freshman each bring a little
in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
%
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
Walt:	Dad, what's gradual school?
Garp:	Gradual school?
Walt:	Yeah.  Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
	gradual school.
Garp:	Oh.  Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
	find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
		-- The World According To Garp
%
"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
		-- Vroomfondel
%
We know next to nothing about virtually everything.  It is not necessary
to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
to crave knowledge.
		-- George Will
%
We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
things we did.  I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
		-- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
%
	"We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation.  We
had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
		-- The Washington Post, February, 1988

The New Yorker's comment:
	At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
%
What does education often do?  It makes a straight cut ditch of a
free meandering brook.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
		What I Did During My Fall Semester
On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.

On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.

On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
I found a thesis topic:
	How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
		-- Sister Mary Elephant, "Student Statement for Black Friday"
%
What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?
		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
%
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
		-- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
%
What we do not understand we do not possess.
		-- Goethe
%
What's page one, a preemptive strike?
		-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
%
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."
		-- Dave Parnas
%
Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
		-- Karl Kraus
%
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
		-- George Ade
%
	Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
Chips, as well as after Chips?
%
You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
		-- H.H. Munro
%
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
		-- J. D. Salinger
%
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
		-- Alfred Kahn
%
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare,
your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
		-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
%
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
%
	A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed.  They killed
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
	"What do you think?" said the the first ranger.
	"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
%
Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
%
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
Here in New York we really don't care too much.  Because we know that we could
beat up their city anytime. 
		-- David Letterman
%
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."
		-- Saint Patrick
%
Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf.  Then they had
to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
%
alta, v:	To change; make or become different; modify.
ansa, v:	A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
baa, n:		A place people meet to have a few drinks.
Baaston, n:	The capital of Massachusetts.
baaba, n:	One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
beea, n:	An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
			found in baas.
caaa, n:	An automobile.
centa, n:	A point around which something revolves; axis.  (Or
			someone involved with the Knicks.)
chouda, n:	A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
dada, n:	Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
			computation.
		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
%
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
name to "America".
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
		-- Allen Ginsberg
%
American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
%
Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
%
Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a
phenomenon, not a civilization.
		-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
%
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
		-- A Chinese child
%
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
		-- A.P. Herbert
%
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
		-- Emmett Grogan
%
Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game - it, and high taxes.
	-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
seemed to come from Texas.
		-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
%
Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry that out
of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a
crowbar.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
	Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
along the block of booths.  She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
	Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
	Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
	Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
	Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
	Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
it some other time, Carrie."
	She gave it up.
		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
%
Climate and Surgery
	R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
day before -- walking several blocks at a time.  To those who design to be
riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
%
David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":

	* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
	* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
	* Hourly motel rates
	* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
	* Didn't just give up right away during World War II
		like some countries we could mention
	* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
	* Our well-behaved golf professionals
	* Fabulous babes coast to coast
%
Decemba, n:	The 12th month of the year.
erra, n:	A mistake.
faa, n:		To, from, or at considerable distance.
Linder, n:	A female name.
memba, n:	To recall to the mind; think of again.
New Hampsha, n:	A state in the northeast United States.
New Yaak, n:	Another state in the northeast United States.
Novemba, n:	The 11th month of the year.
Octoba, n:	The 10th month of the year.
ova, n:		Location above or across a specified position.  What the
			season is when the Knicks quit playing.
		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
%
Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
%
Do Miami a favor.  When you leave, take someone with you.
%
Do you know Montana?
%
Do you know the difference between a yankee and a damyankee?

A yankee comes south to *_____visit*.
%
Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
	"Please be so kindly and close the window.  It's cold outside!"
Half asleep, Eli murmured,
	"Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
%
Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
were each asked to write a book on elephants.  Some amount of time later they
had all completed their respective books.  The Englishman's book was entitled
"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
Irish Political History".
%
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
		-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
%
Fortune presents:
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.

^Cu vi parolas angle?			Do you speak English?
Mi ne komprenas.			I don't understand.
Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi	You're the only Esperanto speaker
	renkontas.				I've met.
La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita.		The check is in the mail.
Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi.		You can't miss it.
Mi nur rigardadas.			I'm just looking around.
Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo.			Well, it seemed like a good idea.
%
Fortune presents:
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.

^Cu tiu loko estas okupita?		Is this seat taken?
^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien?		Do you come here often?
^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron?	May I have your phone number?
Mi estas komputilisto.			I work with computers.
Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio.	I read a lot of science fiction.
^Cu necesas ke vi eliras?		Do you really have to be going?
%
Fortune presents:
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.

Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus		I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
	^cevalon.
Vere vi ^sercas.			You must be kidding.
Nu, parDOOOOOnu min!			Well exCUUUUUSE me!
Kiu invitis vin?			Who invited you?
Kion vi diris pri mia patrino?		What did you say about my mother?
Bu^so^stopu min per kulero.		Gag me with a spoon.
%
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".

Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the
harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow....
	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?
I think not, my friend, I think not.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
%
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"

Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
would he lie about a thing like that?
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
%
Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and
cheating on your income tax.
		-- Mike Royko
%
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera?  Apparently it is so fast it can
photograph an American with his mouth shut!
%
Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
%
Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
One fortunate cookie...
%
	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.
According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing
severe marketing anxiety in China.
	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending
on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
	Bite the wax tadpole.
	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard
to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare.  Not bad, but broad
satiric vistas do not open up.
		-- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle
%
"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
money, he went to Southern California."
%
Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
continues to this day.
		-- Wayne Shannon
%
Houdini escaping from New Jersey!

Film at eleven.
%
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
%
I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
	-- Yul Brynner, 1956
%
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell you
that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable.  I
can't help it.  I was born sneering.
		-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
%
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
%
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
		-- graffito in Los Angeles

On a clear day,
U.C.L.A.
		-- graffito in San Francisco

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
		-- Robert Orben
%
I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today.  Happens
every six months or so.  So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
it with you.  

> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
  the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 
> And in LA it's 72.

> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
  is a million percent.
> And in LA it's 72.

> In New York there are a million interesting people.  
> And in LA there are 72.
%
"I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?"
		-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
%
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
%
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
%
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
get parts.
%
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
%
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
		-- Stuart Keate
%
In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into
television shows.
		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
%
In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
%
Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball.  Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
basketball.  Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic.  Berkeley
is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
		-- Carolyn Jones
%
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations

	Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
		Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
		Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
		behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
		obedicing the instructs of the vessel.

	On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
		Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
		the service. Our utmost will improve it.

		-- Colin Bowles
%
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations

	Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
		It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
		dressed as a man.

	Above the enterance to a Cairo bar:
		Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
		or similar.

	On a Bucharest elevator:

		The lift is being fixed for the next days.
		During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

		-- Colin Bowles
%
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations

	Various signs in Poland:

		Right turn toward immediate outside.

		Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.

		Five o'clock tea at all hours.

	In a men's washroom in Sidney:

		Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
		rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
		on front of shirt.

		-- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
%
Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid.  That's because
they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
little paper envelopes.
%
Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?
		-- Herb Caen
%
It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.  If He didn't, why is it so
close to Texas?
%
It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
		-- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
%
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
		-- Alexander Korda
%
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
%
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
%
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else
follows in the same way.
		-- Alan J. Perlis
%
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
wins few friends, Germans excepted.
		-- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
%
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
		-- Candice Bergen
%
Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that
nobody else wants.
		-- Andy Warhol
%
Minnesota --
	home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
	mosquito supplier to the free world.
	come fall in love with a loon.
	where visitors turn blue with envy.
	one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
	land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
	where the elite meet sleet.
	glove it or leave it.
	many are cold, but few are frozen.
	land of the ski and home of the crazed.
	land of 10,000 Petersons.
%
Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
the world.  Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
over the muscular giant siting beside him.  Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
the man was sound asleep.  But now the little man had another problem.  How in
the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
awakened?  The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
	"Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
%
Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
		-- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
%
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
		-- Richard Lewis
%
My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
		-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
%
New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
%
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
		-- David Letterman
%
No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
%
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
		-- "The Begatting of a President"
%
On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers.  "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
Keith and Kim," she said.  As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
and God, this is goodbye.  We're moving to Hollywood."
%
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
		-- W.C. Fields' epitaph
%
One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best
way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
%
paak, n:	A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
			a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
patato, n:	The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
Septemba, n:	The 9th month of the year.
shua, n:	Having no doubt; certain.
sista, n:	A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
tamato, n:	A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
			or as a vegetable.
troopa, n:	A state policeman.
Wista, n:	A city in central Masschewsetts.
yaad, n:	A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
		-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
%
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.  I myself would
say that it had merely been detected.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersey.
%
Providence, New Jersey, is one of the few cities where Velveeta cheese
appears on the gourmet shelf.
%
Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
		-- Zero Mostel
%
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
		-- Herb Caen
%
Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
%
Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"

In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
%
	Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
haven of tranquility in troubled times.  It's a good town, a civilized town.
A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday.  Let
the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath.  We have known the
stolid but steady Killebrew.  Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer.  The loss is
theirs.  And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
butter on lefse.  Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
disease and the number one crime is overtime parking.  We boast more theater
per capita than the Big Apple.  We go to see, not to be seen.  We go even
when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there.  Indeed
the winters are fierce.  But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
Here's to the Minneapple.  And to its people.  Our flair for style is balanced
by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
	And we always, always eat our vegetables.
	This is the Minneapple.
%
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
City.  One is "Hey, taxi."  Two is, "What train do I take to get to
Bloomingdale's?"  And three is, "Don't worry.  It's just a flesh wound."
		-- David Letterman
%
	"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
Machineries of Joy?"
	"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
		-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
%
The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen
in the image of Englishmen.
		-- Winston Churchill, 1942
%
The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
		-- Finlay Peter Dunne
%
The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
		--Salvador De Madariaga
%
The best case:	   Get salary from America, build a house in England,
			live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
Pretty good case:  Get salary from England, build a house in America,
			live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
The worst case:    Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
			live with a British wife, and eat American food.
		--Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
%
The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
%
The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
		-- Nora Ephron
%
The British are coming!  The British are coming!
%
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
%
The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song --
it's that they know them *___all*.
		-- Susan Dooley
%
The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite.
Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
%
The difference between America and England is that the English think 100
miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
%
The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
		-- Mel Brooks
%
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
in full pursuit of the uneatable.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
%
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
their children to speak it.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest
about it.
		-- James Agate, British film and drama critic
%
[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
		-- Somerset Maugham
%
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the
center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South
Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South
End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
%
The goys have proven the following theorem...
		-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
		   lecture.
%
	The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 
emerging was approached by a panhandler.  "Mister," said the man, "can I 
have a quarter?"
	The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
	The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 
right!  Can I have a dollar?"
%
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
		-- Andy Warhol
%
The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
family name in the world is Chang.  Can you imagine the enormous number
of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
		-- Derek Wills
%
The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right
turn on a red light.
		-- Woody Allen
%
The San Diego Freeway.  Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
%
The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has
always been a limited number of Human Beings.
		-- Little Big Man
%
	The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
his ticket at home.  Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.  After an hour's
wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
Dave!"  The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
of the voice -- with no success.   Then he realized he had lost his place in
line and had to wait all over again.  When the fan finally bought his ticket,
he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink.  The line at the concession stand
was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait.  Just as
he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!"  Again the Aggie tried
to find the voice -- but no luck.  He was very upset as he got back in line
for his drink.  Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,  "My name isn't Dave!"
%
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
%
There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
%
There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
people who find nothing odd about it.
		-- Calvin Trillin
%
There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
ocean level wouldn't cure.
		-- Ross MacDonald
%
There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United States; of course,
I never heard the story before.
%
	There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan.  Seems one
day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver.  Well, the owner
of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
change at his customer's expense.  Turning quietly to the counterman, he
whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
%
There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice.  "Mike,
you know I've always wanted to be a Texan.  You're a *____real* Texan, what
should I do?"
	"Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
like a Texan.  That means you have to dress right.  The second thing
you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
	"Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
	A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna.  "Hey, there,
pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
he tells the counterman.
	The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
"You must be from New York."
	The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am.  How did
you know?"
	"Because this is a hardware store."
%
There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
%
There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
		-- G. Gordon Liddy
%
Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
"Old MacDonald had a . . ."

	"Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
	"Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
	"Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
		service station," said the Missourian.
	"Wrong."
	"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
	"CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster.  "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
	"Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
%
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
is allowed to drive a taxi in New York.  For New York cabbies, honesty and
stopping at red lights are both optional.
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
above fifty-eight degrees.  If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
to spend a few days there.
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks.  There are,
in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people.  The
only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
Swedes speak better English."
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a
million dollars are those on fire.  These generally go for six hundred
thousand.
	-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
be in the United States.  Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
and not be happy.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
%
To know Edina is to reject it.
		-- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
%
Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
		-- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
%
Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you
get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?  I was hitch-hiking."
		-- David Letterman
%
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
		-- David Letterman
%
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
	"All depends," the native drawled.  "Do you mean by them that has
to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
for a short spell?"
%
Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.
%
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
%
Visit[1] the beautiful Smoky Mountains!

[1] visit, v.:
	Come for a week, spend too much money and pay lots of hidden taxes,
	then leave.  We'll be happy to see your money again next year.
	You can save time by simply sending the money, if you're too busy.
%
We don't care how they do it in New York.
%
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty,
and the children are above-average.
		-- Garrison Keillor
%
What kind of sordid business are you on now?  I mean, man, whither
goest thou?  Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
		-- Jack Kerouac
%
Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
never succeed.
		-- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
%
When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
think it was a Tuesday.
%
When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
and a willingness to compromise.
		-- Weber cartoon caption
%
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
		-- Franklyn Ajaye
%
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself
Americanized.
%
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
%
Yawd [noun, Bostonese]:  the campus of Have Id.
		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
%
Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
L-shaped ones.  Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
		-- Rita Rudner
%
You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty spray paint cans
in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
%
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
		-- Guindon
%
You know you're in a small town when...
	You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
	You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
		merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
	Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
	You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
	You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
	You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
%
1893 The ideal brain tonic
1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
	soda fountains
1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
1906 The drink of QUALITY
1907 Good to the last drop
1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze.  Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
1919 It satisfies thirst
1919 The taste is the test
1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
1922 Thirst knows no season
1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
		-- Coca-Cola slogans
%
1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
1929 The high sign of refreshment
1929 The pause that refreshes
1930 It had to be good to get where it is
1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
1935 The pause that brings friends together
1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
1938 The best friend thirst ever had
1939 Thirst stops here
1942 It's the real thing
1947 Have a Coke
1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
1963 Things go better with Coke
1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
1979 Have a Coke and a smile
1982 Coke is it!
		-- Coca-Cola slogans
%
	A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
game.  They had the volley of the Dills.
%
	A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
house of seven gobbles.
%
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
		-- James Beard
%
	A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He
kept favoring curry.
%
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
		-- Ziggy
%
	A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs.  On Friday morning her
husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
%
Actor:	So what do you do for a living?
Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
	dishes for Chinese restaurants.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
%
	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."
%
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
%
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
%
As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
the potato salad.
%
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%
Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
		-- Derek Bok
%
BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH! 
%
Boycott meat -- suck your thumb.
%
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course,
the same can be said of dirt.
%
Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
%
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
%
Consider the following axioms carefully:
	"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
	and
	"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?  The
thought is frightening.  Is this how God came into being?  Try not to
consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
%
Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
breakfast".  Don't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make
essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
shaving cream there, or a dead bat?

Answer: Yes.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
Death before dishonor.  But neither before breakfast.
%
Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...

Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
%
Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
%
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
%
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
%
Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
%
Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
Can you see your neck?
Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
	...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
		-- Garfield
%
	During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He
stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode
Island Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
a Tory!"
%
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
		-- Harry Secombe's diet
%
Eat drink and be merry!  Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
%
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
%
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
%
Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
%
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
%
Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
%
Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
%
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
%
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
%
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
		-- Alexander Woollcott
%
Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
		-- Ingmar Bergman
%
Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
%
Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
%
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
%
For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
protected species.
	Ingredients:
	  1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
	  2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
	  1 teaspoonful salt
	  8 oz. shredded suet
	  2 small onions
	1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
    
	Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water.  Soak in salt water
overnight.  Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
the side of pot.  Retain 1 pint of stock.  Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
half only).  Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
salt, pepper and stock to moisten.  Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
swelling.  Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over.  If bag not
available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
four to five hours.
%
Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:

	I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
	"Hey you, get off my plate"
		-- Roger Midnight
%
Fortune's diet truths:
1:  Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
2:  Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
3:  Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate.  In fact, carob is not
    an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
4:  There is no such thing as a "fun salad."  So let's stop pretending and see
    salads for what they are:  God's punishment for being fat.
5:  Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
    appealing as tepid beer.
6:  A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
7:  You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
    low-cal."  Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver."  They aren't and
    it isn't.
8:  Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
9:  Fresh fruit is not dessert.  CAKE is dessert!
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
    swallowing.
%
God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  November 23, 1915

Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
%
Has anyone ever tasted an "end"?  Are they really bitter?
%
		        Has your family tried 'em?

			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS

		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!

	    They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS

	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
		     stains that indicate freshness.
%
Have a taco.
		-- P.S. Beagle
%
Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
%
Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
		-- Jack Benny
%
	"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
of her blonde companion.
	"Fishing through the ice," she replied.
	"Fishing through the ice?   Whatever for?"
	"Olives."
%
How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
a waiter at a nice party?
	Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say:  "This is
cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another cheese!" and so on.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
with an option to buy.
%
I brake for chezlogs!
%
I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps the
time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
		-- Peter Oakley
%
I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of
a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
		-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%
I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
		-- Calvin Trillin
%
I don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking.
		-- Katherine Cebrian
%
I don't have an eating problem.  I eat.  I get fat.  I buy new clothes.
No problem.
%
"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it."
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
I have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance.
		-- A.M. Readyhough
%
I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 
in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.    
		-- Thoreau
%
I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God.
		-- B. Hathrume Duk
%
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
%
I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
%
	"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
	"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
%
I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
		-- Totie Fields
%
If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
%
If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
%
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
%
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?
%
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
restaurant.
		-- Snoopy
%
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
%
If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than
rhubarb does.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
%
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
If your bread is stale, make toast.
%
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
		-- Josi Simon
%
Is there life before breakfast?
%
It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly,
since it has no ears.
		-- Marcus Porcius Cato
%
IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."

Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!  Man, wise up.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
%
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings
about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still
safe to eat.
		-- Robert Fuoss
%
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
%
It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
have been all over it.
		-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
%
Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
Pick one.

	 (1)	It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
	 (2)	It's cheaper than going to France.
	 (3)	It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
	 (4)	Life is short.
	 (5)	It's somebody's birthday.  I don't want them to celebrate alone.
	 (6)	It matches my eyes.
	 (7)	Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
	 (8)	To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
	 (9)	Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
	(10)	Strawberry shortcake is evil.  I must help rid the world of it.
	(11)	I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
	(12)	It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
%
Killing turkeys causes winter.
%
Kissing don't last, cookery do.
		-- George Meredith
%
Kitchen activity is highlighted.  Butter up a friend.
%
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
the pillow was gone.
		-- Tommy Cooper
%
Last week's pet, this week's special.
%
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
%
Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
eat it nevertheless.
		-- Flaubert
%
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
%
Life is like a tin of sardines.  We're, all of us, looking for the key.
		-- Beyond the Fringe
%
Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- you can lick it, but it still
won't go away.
%
Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes
you weep.
		-- Carl Sandburg
%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find
there is nothing in it.
		-- James Huneker
%
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
		-- Storm Jameson
%
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
		-- Sanka Ad
%
Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from.  And when
you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
		-- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
%
Lobster:
	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster
behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may
even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into
the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
be, too.
		-- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and
		   Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"
%
Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten
to the punch.
%
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)

  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water				 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice
  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine
  Cinnamon

Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
		-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
%
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
		-- E.W. Howe
%
Mountain Dew and doughnuts...  because breakfast is the most important meal
of the day.
%
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there
are three other people.
		-- Orson Welles
%
My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
		-- Senator Hubert Humphrey
%
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
%
Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled with
the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into
lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.
%
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
%
Never eat more than you can lift.
		-- Miss Piggy
%
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
eating one peanut.
		-- Channing Pollock
%
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
		-- Charlie Brown
%
Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
the following questions:

	(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
	    food?
	(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
	    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
	(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
	    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
	    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
	    right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
	    longer.)

That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
%
Peanut Blossoms

4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt

Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
heck of a lot.
%
Pete:	Waiter, this meat is bad.
Waiter:	Who told you?
Pete:	A little swallow.
%
Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
%
Prunes give you a run for your money.
%
Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.  Let it simmer.  Meanwhile,
broil a good steak.  Eat the steak.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it.
		-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
		   of Texas.
%
Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
%
Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled with
one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two deserts.
		-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
%
RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
	(1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
	(2)  Never leave the table hungry.
	(3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
	(4)  Enjoy your food.
	(5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
	(6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
	     accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
	(7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,
	     for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
	     brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?
	(8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
	(9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
	     can always eat it later.
	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
	(11) Avoid blue food.
		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
%
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
%
Save gas, don't eat beans.
%
Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
		-- James Thurber
%
So much food; so little time!
%
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in
the milk.
		-- Thoreau
%
The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit called
the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in writing -- "100
percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would be heated up and then
cooled back down in electronic devices immediately before serving.  The
Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg,
Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a
bottle and a little slip of paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12."  The
Lunch or Dinner Patty would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in
the morning. The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were
starting to emit a serious aroma.  Patties that were too rank even to be
Seafood Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
%
The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
and tourist handouts.  This bear has learned to open car doors in
Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
of thousands of dollars a year.  Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
%
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
%
The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
		-- John McNulty
%
	   THE DAILY PLANET

	SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
	Plans to "Eat it later"
%
The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
%
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases.  For
instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?"
the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?".
		-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill.  It is
the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
world by man, woman and child alike.  An astounding 350 billion kosher
dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
per day.  New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
really changed my life.  I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
And now, just look at me."
%
The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz said,
	"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
%
The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
bite of fire.  You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
in your hands.  The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
starts a long, long time before the event.
		-- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
		   from "Congress Eate It Up"
%
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served
the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.
		-- Calvin Trillin
%
"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
		-- D. Letterman
%
The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
of the barbecue.
%
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
%
The only thing better than love is milk.
%
The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which is
also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is
catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and
Gravel," which is what it tastes like.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.

Cowboy:	"Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess.  Hardworkin'.
	Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."

Horse:  "No, stupid, not feed*back*.  I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
%
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later
you're hungry again.
		-- George Miller
%
The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
%
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
circumstances can the food be omitted.
		-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
%
There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one
of them.
%
There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of
them are hamburgers.
		-- Ed Sanders
%
There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
man who eats Grape-Nuts on principle.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
%
There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
%
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
This is Betty Frenel.  I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
Food-a-holics partner.  I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
and mushroom.  Jim, come and get me!
%
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
%
	... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal
lives as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy
imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking soda.  If an '80s couple
goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in
advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk
out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant.  If
it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people
like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the
night.  An excellent restaurant wouldn't have a table ready immediately
for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
	To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
	The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction.  For the first time, an
eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
pint of ice cream nearby.
		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
%
To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly.  It was
agreeable, too -- it really was -- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading.  It was the triumph of
mind over matter; quite.
		-- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
%
Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
Too Late
	A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
the two o'clock boats.  If their object in going down was to participate in
the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
%
Two peanuts were walking through the New York.  One was assaulted.
%
Vegetables are what food eats.
Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
Fish are fast moving vegetables.
Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
		-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
%
Vegeterians beware!  You are what you eat.
%
Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
	(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
%
Wake up and smell the coffee.
		-- Ann Landers
%
What foods these morsels be!
%
What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
enemies.  Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
out of him.
		-- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
%
When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
%
When all else fails, EAT!!!
%
When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional
cheese dip.
		-- Ignatius Reilly
%
	"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
	"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
	"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
	Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.
%
When you're dining out and you suspect something's wrong, you're probably right.
%
Where do you go to get anorexia?
		-- Shelley Winters
%
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
		-- Edward Stevenson
%
Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the pure in heart
can make a good soup.
		-- Ludwig Van Beethoven
%
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It's quite uncanny.
%
Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
%
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
important to him than his table or his white robe.
		-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
%
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
%
You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes
make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to
damage them.  They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them.  In
fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back
to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back
and forth for hundreds of years.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound
some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear safety glasses.
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
%
You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
		-- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
%
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
		-- S. Rickly Christian
%
You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
		-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
%
You must dine in our cafeteria.  You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
%
You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2
if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each
"special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4
if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the
waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged
six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to
twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the
banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets
made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.

In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
Your mind is the part of you that says,
	"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
	"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
		-- Steven and Ondrea Levine
%
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
%
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
%
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.
%
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
%
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
%
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
%
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
%
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
%
Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.
%
Advancement in position.
%
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
%
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
%
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
%
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
%
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
%
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
%
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Are you a turtle?
%
Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?
%
Are you making all this up as you go along?
%
Are you sure the back door is locked?
%
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
%
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
%
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
%
Avoid reality at all costs.
%
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
%
Be careful!  Is it classified?
%
Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
%
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
%
Be cheerful while you are alive.
		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
%
Be different: conform.
%
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
%
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
%
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
%
Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
%
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.
%
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
%
Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
%
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
%
Beware of Bigfoot!
%
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
%
Beware the one behind you.
%
Blow it out your ear.
%
Break into jail and claim police brutality.
%
Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.
%
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
%
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
%
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
%
Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
%
Chess tonight.
%
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
%
Chicken Little was right.
%
Cold hands, no gloves.
%
Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.
%
Courage is your greatest present need.
%
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
%
Do not overtax your powers.
%
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
%
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
%
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
%
Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
%
Don't feed the bats tonight.
%
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
%
Don't get to bragging.
%
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
%
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
%
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
%
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
%
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
%
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
%
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
%
Don't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.
%
Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
%
Don't read everything you believe.
%
Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.
%
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
%
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
%
Don't Worry, Be Happy.
		-- Meher Baba
%
Don't worry.  Life's too long.
		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
%
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
%
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
%
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
%
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
%
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
%
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
%
Excellent time to become a missing person.
%
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
%
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
%
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
%
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
%
Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.
%
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
%
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
		-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
%
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
%
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
%
Give him an evasive answer.
%
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
%
Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it's little enough.
%
Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.
%
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
%
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
%
Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.
%
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
%
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
%
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
%
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
%
If you can read this, you're too close.
%
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
365 useless things.
%
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
%
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
%
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
%
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
%
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
%
Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.
%
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
%
Is this really happening?
%
It is so very hard to be an 
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
grown-up.
%
It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
%
It was all so different before everything changed.
%
It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme
%
It's all in the mind, ya know.
%
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
%
Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is
not worth sending.
%
Just to have it is enough.
%
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
%
Keep it short for pithy sake.
%
Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.
%
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
%
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
%
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
%
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
%
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
%
Long life is in store for you.
%
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
%
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
%
Make a wish, it might come true.
%
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%
Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
%
Never give an inch!
%
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
%
Never reveal your best argument.
%
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
%
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
%
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
%
People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.
%
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
%
Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.
%
Reply hazy, ask again later.
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
%
Slow day.  Practice crawling.
%
Snow Day -- stay home.
%
So this it it.  We're going to die.
%
So you're back... about time...
%
Someone is speaking well of you.
%
Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!
%
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
%
Stay away from flying saucers today.
%
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
%
Stay the curse.
%
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
%
The time is right to make new friends.
%
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel
%
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
%
There is a fly on your nose.
%
There was a phone call for you.
%
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
%
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
%
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
%
This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.
%
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
%
Time to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo.
%
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
%
Today is the last day of your life so far.
%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
%
Today is what happened to yesterday.
%
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
%
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.
%
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
%
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
%
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
%
Truth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
%
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
%
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
%
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
%
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
%
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
%
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
%
What happened last night can happen again.
%
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
are making another attack.
%
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
%
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
%
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
%
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
%
You are always busy.
%
You are as I am with You.
%
You are capable of planning your future.
%
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
%
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
%
You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the
department of transportation.
%
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
%
You are fairminded, just and loving.
%
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
%
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
%
You are going to have a new love affair.
%
You are magnetic in your bearing.
%
You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.
%
You are number 6!  Who is number one?
%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
%
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.
%
You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.
%
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
%
You are standing on my toes.
%
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
%
You are the only person to ever get this message.
%
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
%
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
%
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.
%
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.
%
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
%
You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.
%
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
%
You dialed 5483.
%
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
%
You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
%
You enjoy the company of other people.
%
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
%
You fill a much-needed gap.
%
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
%
You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to
leave it behind.
%
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
%
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
%
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
%
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
%
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
%
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
%
You have a truly strong individuality.
%
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
%
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
%
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
%
You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
%
You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
%
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
%
You have been selected for a secret mission.
%
You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
%
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
%
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
%
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
%
You have no real enemies.
%
You have taken yourself too seriously.
%
You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
%
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
%
You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."
%
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
%
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
%
You look tired.
%
You love peace.
%
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
%
You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
%
You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely 
larger than others.
%
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
%
You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!
%
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.
%
You need more time; and you probably always will.
%
You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
%
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
%
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
%
You now have Asian Flu.
%
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
%
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
%
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
%
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
%
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
%
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
%
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
%
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.
%
You should go home.
%
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
%
You teach best what you most need to learn.
%
You too can wear a nose mitten.
%
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
%
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
%
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
%
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
%
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
%
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
%
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
%
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
%
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
%
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
%
You will be awarded some great honor.
%
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
%
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
%
You will be dead within a year.
%
You will be divorced within a year.
%
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
%
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
%
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
%
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
%
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
%
You will be married within a year.
%
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
%
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
%
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
%
You will be run over by a beer truck.
%
You will be run over by a bus.
%
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
%
You will be successful in love.
%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%
You will be surrounded by luxury.
%
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
%
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
%
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
%
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
%
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
%
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
%
You will contract a rare disease.
%
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
%
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
%
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
%
You will forget that you ever knew me.
%
You will gain money by a fattening action.
%
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
%
You will gain money by an illegal action.
%
You will gain money by an immoral action.
%
You will get what you deserve.
%
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
%
You will have a long and boring life.
%
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
%
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
%
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
%
You will have long and healthy life.
%
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
%
You will inherit millions of dollars.
%
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
%
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
%
You will live to see your grandchildren.
%
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.
%
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
%
You will never know hunger.
%
You will not be elected to public office this year.
%
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
%
You will outgrow your usefulness.
%
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
%
You will pass away very quickly.
%
You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard
this message.
%
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
%
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
%
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
%
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
%
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
%
You will soon forget this.
%
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
%
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
%
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.
%
You will triumph over your enemy.
%
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
%
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
%
You will wish you hadn't.
%
You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.
%
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
%
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
%
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
%
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
%
You'll be sorry...
%
You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel.
%
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
%
You'll never be the man your mother was!
%
You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately,
they're not all recommended.
%
You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier
to do.
%
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
%
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
%
You're at the end of the road again.
%
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
%
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
%
You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.
%
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that
you're growing into.
%
You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
%
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
%
You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.
%
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
%
Your aim is high and to the right.
%
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
%
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
%
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.
%
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
%
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
%
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
%
Your business will assume vast proportions.
%
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
%
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
%
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
%
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
%
Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
%
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
%
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
%
Your love life will be... interesting.
%
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
%
Your lucky color has faded.
%
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
%
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
%
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
%
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.
%
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
%
Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.
%
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
%
Your present plans will be successful.
%
Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
%
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
%
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
%
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
%
Your step will soil many countries.
%
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
%
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
%
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
%
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
%
=======================================================================
||								     ||
|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture!  ||
||	   Watch for it at a theater near you next summer!	     ||
||								     ||
=======================================================================
	Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
			"Fortune Cookie"
	Directed by Steven Spielberg.
	Starring  Harrison Ford  Bette Midler  Marlon Brando
		  Christopher Reeves  Marilyn Chambers
		  and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
	Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
	Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
	Read the Warner paperback!
	Invoke the Unix program!
	Soundtrack on XTC Records.
	In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
		centers.
%
3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
and display work.  This product is called "Craft Mount".  3M suggests
that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky."  I did not know what "aggressively
tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.

		[And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
%
		Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:

	(1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
	(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
	(3) I don't know.
	(4) Who cares?
	(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
	    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
	(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
	    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
	    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
	    Papyrus Books).
%
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
%
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact, it is as
difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.
		-- R. Emerson
		-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
		(whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
		[to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
		misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"  Ed.]
%
Chocolate chip.
%
			DELETE A FORTUNE!
Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
You can!  Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
%
Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program?  It makes a
selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes.  Why not
try it, and see how offended you are?  The -a ("all") option will
select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
%
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
%
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
%
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
%
Fortune's current rates:

	Answers				.10
	Long answers			.25
	Answers requiring thought	.50
	Correct answers			$1.00

	Dumb looks are still free.
%
Generic Fortune.
%
Ginger snap.
%
Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
	Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
serves to blunt the warning signs.

	Long live the revolution!
	Have a nice day.
%
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
%
I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but
I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means.
%
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
%
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
%
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
%
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
%
Ignore previous fortune.
%
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
%
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
%
Oatmeal raisin.
%
Oreo.
%
Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
%
Pick another fortune cookie.
%
Please ignore previous fortune.
%
Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
%
Sorry, no fortune this time.
%
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
%
There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.
%
This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "________randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
%
This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
%
This fortune intentionally left blank.
%
This fortune intentionally not included.
%
This fortune intentionally says nothing.
%
This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose invaluable assistance
last night would never have been possible.
%
This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
%
This fortune is false.
%
This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
%
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
%
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
%
This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
%
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM

If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortunes, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors.
That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We can't go on like
this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless
user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program
will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.
Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy
saying.  Do it now before you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the
end of the week. Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you
contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or more,
you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
%
This is your fortune.
%
Vanilla wafer.
%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
%
WARNING:
	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
	mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
	of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
	of your favorite war.
%
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
%
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
%
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
%
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
%
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that's much better.
		-- Steven Wright
%
A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
quiet place in which to rest.  One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
"Come on down."  But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
flies.  He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper.  All those flies are trapped."  "Don't be
silly," said the fly, "they're dancing."  So he settled down and became stuck
to the flypaper with all the other flies.

Moral:  There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
		-- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
%
A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
		-- Steven Wright
%
	A MODERN FABLE

Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
far too subtle for the youth of today.  Children need an updated message
with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
today's minute attention span.

	The Troubled Aardvark

Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
in his brand new 4x4.  He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
children.  One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
personal effort he could make to change the status quo.  Overcome by a
wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
		-- Tom Annau
%
A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
%
		Accidents cause History.

If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are Socrates.
		-- Woody Allen
%
All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store... with a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all
of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
		-- Steven Wright
%
And now for something completely different.
%
And now for something completely the same.
%
	"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
	No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
		-- Monty Python
%
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with
scented bootlaces.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
%
Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
none of his friends like him either.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
"Boy, life takes a long time to live."
		-- Steven Wright
%
Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others.  Bozos are people who band
together for fun and profit.  They have no jobs.  Anybody who goes on a
tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street?  Because there's a Bozo
on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
They're the huge, fat, middle waist.  The archetype is an Irish drunk
clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin.  Fields, William Bendix.
Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness.  It has Oz in it.  They mean
well.  They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes.  They
like their comforts.  The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
which is all the time.
		-- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
%
But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
I meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to
kill more than I could eat.
		-- Raoul Duke
%
"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
%
	"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
	"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
	"But I'm feeling much better..."
	"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
%
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there.  They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
%
Death didn't answer.  He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks
at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
%
Decorate your home.  It gives the illusion that your life is more
interesting than it really is.
		-- C. Schulz
%
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?
		-- Steven Wright
%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.

They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow
in Australia.
		-- Charles Schulz
%
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?
		-- Tom Stoppard
%
Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
exactly, make people laugh.  That's why they were called "wise men." All the
other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the
wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my
wife?  No.  How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now.  No How
about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available.  No.  How
about ..."
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
		-- Bill Cosby
%
First, a few words about tools.

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the
laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure
yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If you're ever
walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly
smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted.  If I were you,
I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
		-- Steven Wright
%
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed
with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
		-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
%
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
%
He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
		-- Steven Wright
%
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
		-- Jay Leno
%
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and
*parks* on *driveways*?
		-- Gallagher
%
High Priest:	Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
Bro. Maynard:	And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
	saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
	smash our enemies to tiny bits."  And the Lord did grin, and the
	people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
	breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
High Priest:	Skip a bit, brother.
Bro. Maynard:	And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
	out the holy pin.  Then shalt thou count to three.  No more, no less.
	*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
	counting shall be three.  *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
	count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three.  Five is
	RIGHT OUT.  Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
	then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
	naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.  Amen.
All:	Amen.
		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
%
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
		-- William Gilbert
%
Humorists always sit at the children's table.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern
unstoned.
		-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
%
I am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
I just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art
was done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I am two with nature.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at
parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
		-- Dave Barry
%
	"I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord."
	"Indeed?  Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
%
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
		-- Gilda Radner
%
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."
		-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
%
"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now
when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I could dance with you till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that
either.
		-- Jack Benny
%
I don't get no respect.
%
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above
globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
		-- Bruce Baum
%
I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I finally went to the eye doctor.  I got contacts.  I only need them to
read, so I got flip-ups.
		-- Steven Wright
%
"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?'  He
said, 'Phoenix.'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked
at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
with.'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
Then the phone rang.  He said 'You get it.'  I picked it up and said
'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
would just like to know what happened to the money?'  I said, 'Mr. Jones,
I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never
called me again."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
theater.  So I bought the album.  I got kicked out of a theater the
other day for bringing my own food in.  I argued that the concession
stand prices were outrageous.  Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
long time.  I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
$2.50.  I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl.  I once took a cab to
a drive-in movie.  The movie cost me $95.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet,
so I took his shoes.
		-- Dave Barry
%
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
it's going to be up all night.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a box of telephone rings under my bed.  Whenever I get lonely, I
open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.  One day I dropped the
box all over the floor.  The phone wouldn't stop ringing.  I had to get
it disconnected.  So I got a new phone.  I didn't have much money, so I
had to get an irregular.  It doesn't have a five.  I ran into a friend
of mine on the street the other day.  He said why don't you give me a
call.  I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
doesn't have a five.  He asked how long had it been that way.  I said I
didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me
and just keeps on typing.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When
I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
I just... to make a long story short..."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep
it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.  I spent last summer
folding it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.
		-- Richard Diran
%
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once
in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I
got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident.
I hit a bookmark.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
		-- Charles Schulz
%
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.  I may not get
there, but I'm going first class.
		-- Art Buchwald
%
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what
entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
		-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
%
I met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at
clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats
on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
		-- Steven Wright
%
	"I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly.
	"AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly.  "I THINK IT MIGHT GO
DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT."
	"Why?"
	"THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than
most western countries.
		-- George Burns
%
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going
to make a game out of it.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too
much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After much
trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face
is up.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me.  Last week I went to the track
and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table.  I said,
"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
		-- Firesign Theatre
%
I thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces,
working for scale.
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
%
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.

It's about Russia.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
degrees today," and I said "Oops."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
I never have to go upstairs.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don't you know
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
to be out that long."

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out.  Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
		-- Steven Wright
%
"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I
put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
around here often?"  She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like
that all the time..."
		-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
%
I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy
argument about what I considered an Odd number.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I was the best I ever had.
		-- Woody Allen
%
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific".
		-- Steven Wright
%
"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
for him then.
		-- Steven Wright
%
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate,
"Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"
		-- Steven Wright
%
I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me,
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
		-- Steven Wright
%
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I'll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.
		-- Fred Allen
%
I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
		-- Spider Robinson
%
I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
have made them cute and furry. 
		-- Dave Barry
%
If only Dionysus were alive!  Where would he eat?
		-- Woody Allen
%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.
		-- George Burns
%
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
next year.
	What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been
indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a
recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their
own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...
	If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure that
they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
		-- Dave Barry
%
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
		-- Woody Allen
%
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
%
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All those who
think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her
pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm,
please raise your hands.  Thank you.
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
In like a dimwit, out like a light.
		-- Pogo
%
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
		-- Steven Wright
%
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...
		-- Douglas Admas "The Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
%
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
		-- Woody Allen
%
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
%
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
		-- Steven Wright
%
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash....
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
		-- Steven Wright
%
Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving...
every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
I don't remember what it was.
		-- Steven Wright
%
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
%
Life is wasted on the living.
		-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
%
Like you,  I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
place in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few:

	Q -- Is there life after death?
	A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New
Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead.  I
guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Man 1:	Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good joke is.

Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo --

Man 1:	______TIMING!
%
	"Many have seen Topaxci, God of the Red Mushroom, and they earn the
name of shaman," he said.  Some have seen Skelde, spirit of the smoke, and
they are called sorcerers.  A few have been privileged to see Umcherrel, the
soul of the forest, and they are known as spirit masters.  But none have
seen a box with hundreds of legs that looked at them without eyes, and they
are known as idio--"
	The interruption was caused by a sudden screaming noise and a flurry
of snow and sparks that blew the fire across the dark hut; there was a brief
blurred vision and then the opposite wall was blasted aside and the
apparition vanished.
	There was a long silence.  Then a slightly shorter silence.  Then
the old shaman said carefully, "You didn't just see two men go through
upside down on a broomstick, shouting and screaming at each other, did you?"
	The boy looked at him levelly.  "Certainly not," he said.
	The old man heaved a sigh of relief.  "Thank goodness for that," he
said.  "Neither did I."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
		-- Walt Kelly
%
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
		-- Steven Wright
%
My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
		-- Steven Wright
%
	My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
Africa.  Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
Africa.  Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule:  Up at
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00.  Pretty soon we were back in bed by
6:30.  Now Africa is full of big game.  The first day I shot two bucks.  That
was the biggest game we had.  Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose
and Knights of Pithiests.
	The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
annual conventions.  And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water.  They
weren't looking for a water hole.  They were looking for an alck hole.
	One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
pajamas, I don't know.  Then we tried to remove the tusks.  That's a tough
word to say, tusks.  As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out.  But in Alabama the Tuscaloosa,
but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
	We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
So we're going back in a few years...
		-- Julius H. Marx [Groucho]
%
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
		-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
%
Nirvana?  That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out.
		-- Zonker Harris
%
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
%
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
	Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
to be avoided than harped upon.
	Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
about helping to postpone this reunion.
		-- Douglas Adams
%
One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.
		-- Larry Gelbart
%
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  Inside a dog it's too
dark to read.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to
indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest
person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you
are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
have plenty of food and water.
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
		-- Steven Wright
%
Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle
made of teeth.  It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget.
Unsuccessfully.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo"
%
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
		   Teen Should Know"
%
Showing up is 80% of life.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate
it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing
cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons".
Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt,
the economy would collapse overnight.  The government would have to
intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving,
which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls
and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force
jets, killing and maiming thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you
should go along with the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large
sum of money and go to a mall.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
me because I am beautiful.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
		-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
%
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES.  You're allowed to
do anything.  You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
whereas I was neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
parking lots.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.
		-- W. C. Fields
%
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
is a match.
		-- Will Rogers
%
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
		-- Art Buchwald
%
The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
		-- Benjamin Franklin.
%
	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
the subject of towels.
	Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value.  For
some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc.  Furthermore,
the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
a dozen other items that he may have "lost".  After all, any man who can
hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
reckoned with.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
		-- Steven Wright
%
	"The pyramid is opening!"
	"Which one?"
	"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
		-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
		   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
%
		The Three Major Kind of Tools

* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces,
bludgeons, and truncheons.)

* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)

* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
(Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull
by the tail and face the situation.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
becoming an endangered synthetic.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
		-- Will Rogers
%
This land is full of trousers!
this land is full of mausers!
	And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
		-- Firesign Theater
%
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
%
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse,
what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
them puke.
		-- Steve Martin
%
	"What shall we do?" said Twoflower.
	"Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully.  He always held that panic was
the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people
faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into
those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent
brute!" and "Here, pussy."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
		-- Steven Wright
%
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
		-- Steven Wright
%
When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well.
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
		-- Steven Wright
%
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
		-- Steven Wright
%
Will Rogers never met you.
%
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
		-- Steven Wright
%
Would you *______really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
		-- George Carlin
%
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
		-- Steven Wright
%
	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
	"Why, what did she tell you?"
	"I don't know, I didn't listen."
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
You may already be a loser.
		-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
%
You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a taxi, you
can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
		-- Jim Samuels to a heckler

Ah, yes.  I remember my first beer.
		-- Steve Martin to a heckler

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
		-- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
		-- Carl Sandburg
%
A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.
%
A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
%
A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
right?"  And Santa says, "Yes, I do."  The little kid then asks, "And you
know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
%
	A young married couple had their first child.  Their original pride
and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the best speech
therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The child simply refused
to speak.  One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
	The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.  "Son,
after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
	Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
%
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of
the plain people is the stork.
%
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped
teething.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ...
		-- Gilda Radner
%
	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
	"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first name."
%
And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower.  "This," cried the Mayor,
"is your town's darkest hour!  The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
to come to the aid of their country!" he said.  "We've GOT to make noises in
greater amounts!  So, open your mouth, lad!  For every voice counts!"  Thus he
spoke as he climbed.  When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
he shouted out, "YOPP!" 
	And that Yopp...  That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
Finally, at last!  From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
They rang out clear and clean.  And they elephant smiled.  "Do you see what
I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small.  And their
whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
	"How true!  Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo.  "And, from now
on, you know what I'm planning to do?  From now on, I'm going to protect
them with you!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO!  From
the sun in the summer.  From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
them.  No matter how small-ish!"
		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
%
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
%
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
tried taking candy from a baby.
		-- Robin Hood
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	Are you sure you're telling the truth?  Think hard.
	Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
	If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
	Do you feel bad?  How do you think I feel?
	Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
	Don't you know any better?
	How could you be so stupid?
	If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
	You can't fool me.  I know what you're thinking.
	If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	Do as I say, not as I do.
	Do me a favour and don't tell me about it.  I don't want to know.
	What did you do *this* time?
	If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
	When I was your age...
	I won't love you if you keep doing that.
	Think of all the starving children in India.
	If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
	I'm going to kill you.
	Way to go, clumsy.
	If you don't like it, you can lump it.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	Go away.  You bother me.
	Why?   Because life is unfair.
	That's a nice drawing.  What is it?
	Children should be seen and not heard.
	You'll be the death of me.
	You'll understand when you're older.
	Because.
	Wipe that smile off your face.
	I don't believe you.
	How many times have I told you to be careful?
	Just beacuse.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	Good children always obey.
	Quit acting so childish.
	Boys don't cry.
	If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
	Why do you have to know so much?
	This hurts me more than it hurts you.
	Why?  Because I'm bigger than you.
	Well, you've ruined everything.  Now are you happy?
	Oh, grow up.
	I'm only doing this because I love you.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	When are you going to grow up?
	I'm only doing this for your own good.
	Why are you crying?  Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
		cry about.
	What's wrong with you?
	Someday you'll thank me for this.
	You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
	Don't you have any sense at all?
	If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
	Why?  Because I said so.
	I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	You wouldn't understand.
	You ask too many questions.
	In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
	That's for me to know and you to find out.
	Don't let those bullies push you around.  Go in there and stick
		up for yourself.
	You're acting too big for your britches.
	Well, you broke it.  Now are you satisfied?
	Wait till your father gets home.
	Bored?  If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
	Shape up or ship out.
%
Article the Third:
	Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
	enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change.  Public announcements and
	guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
Article the Fourth:
	The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
	and not the "feeder".  Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
	face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
Article the Fifth:
	Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
	a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
	lights are out.  They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
	to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
		-- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
%
Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
%
Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.
		-- Henrik Tikkanen
%
Billy:	Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
	generation to generation?
Mom:	Yes?
Billy:	Well, this generation dropped it.
%
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
	Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
%
Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
%
Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them.  That's
when they come over and violate your body space.
%
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
%
Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.
Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
%
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
%
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
the walk before it stops snowing.
		-- Phyllis Diller

There is no need to do any housework at all.  After the first four years
the dirt doesn't get any worse.
		-- Quentin Crisp
%
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's
beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning
them at birth.
%
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
%
For adult education nothing beats children.
%
For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
%
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5

	"And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
		-- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
%
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6

	"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
		-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
%
Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%
			-- Gifts for Children --

This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months and
months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning
cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children exactly what
they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If your child thinks
he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd
better get it.  You may be worried that it might help to encourage your
child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial
tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not
get the right gift.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters
needs pounding.
%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
		-- Martin Mull
%
How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
		-- Linus Van Pelt
%
"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
chatting with persons who've never existed.  Such carryings-on in our peaceable
jungle!  We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle!  And I'm here to
state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
through!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
	"With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
You're going to be roped!  And you're going to be caged!  And, as for your dust
speck...  Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut oil!"
		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
%
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows."  Then they would get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
They're still living in the fifties.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
	I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
the sky blue?"
	HE asked me about black holes in space.
	(There's a hole *where*?)

	I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
	HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
	(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)

	I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
	HE talked internal combustion engines.
	(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")

	I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
as equals.
	HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
the graphics.

	Then puberty struck.  Ah, adolescence.
	HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
	(Gotcha!)
		-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
%
I hate babies.  They're so human.
		-- H.H. Munro
%
I know what "custody" [of the children] means.  "Get even."  That's all
custody means.  Get even with your old lady.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
I love children.  Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away.
		-- Nancy Mitford
%
I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
words and an implicit sense of her departure.  It's so curious: one can
resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But
then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
		-- Letters From Colette
%
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's
picture that came with the wallet he bought.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them said,
"So will you."
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
more mature than I am.
%
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
		-- Will Rogers
%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
%
If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
		-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
%
If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
		-- Chief Dan George
%
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
		-- Bette Davis
%
If your mother knew what you're doing, she'd probably hang her head and cry.
%
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
%
It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
%
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
		-- Kingsley Amis
%
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
		-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
%
It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
		-- Arthur Binstead
%
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
%
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
%
Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
%
Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could
travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate
teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
%
Lies!  All lies!  You're all lying against my boys!
		-- Ma Barker
%
Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
%
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
%
Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded.
%
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
Life is the other way around.
		-- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
%
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
		-- Jules Feiffer
%
May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
%
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
%
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me.  I
remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
drive and drive.

I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played.  I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad."  We'd eat
some stuff or not and then I think we went home.

I guess some things never leave you.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Microwaves frizz your heir.
%
My boy is a mean kid.  I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.  Well,
only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
a bulls-eye on the back.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them
said, "So will you."
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
		-- Iphicrates
%
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
For years I tried smart.  I recommend pleasant.
		-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
%
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
		-- Sue Murphy
%
My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
		-- Friday
%
My parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
%
My ritual differs slightly.  What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
hop into the shower stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
of while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift.  Then I hop
right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
tolerated until they acquire some sense.
		-- William Phelps
%
Never have children, only grandchildren.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
		-- Erma Bombeck
%
Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
unprotected.
		-- Robert Orben
%
Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
%
No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
%
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
signs of improvement.
		-- Florida Scott-Maxwell
%
Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
		-- Lewis Lapham
%
	On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
tomatoes.  Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks.  So I picked up one and threw
it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
at my brother.  He whipped one back at me.  We ducked down by the vines,
heaving tomatoes at each other.  My sister, who was a good person, said,
"You're going to get it."  She bent over and kept on picking.
	What a target!  She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
she looked like the side of a barn.
	I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground.  It looked like it
had sat there a week.  The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
and it was very juicy.  I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice.  I had
to decide quickly.  I decided.
	A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
man doing a belly-flop.  With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice.  And my sister, who was a
good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears.  I guess she knew that
the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
		-- George Herbert
%
One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
enough to give you presents they make at school.
		-- Robert Byrne
%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
%
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have
much of anything to do with it.
%
Please, Mother!  I'd rather do it myself!
%
Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
		-- Thomas Berger
%
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore
them long enough.
%
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth
to a child.  She must be found and stopped.
		-- Sam Levenson
%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up,
they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
		-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
%
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
%
	The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
	"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist.  "You have just become a
father!"
%
The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
		-- Logan Pearsall Smith
%
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable
Christian forbearance among men.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
by our children.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
%
The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.
%
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
		-- John Barrymore
%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
		-- Ashley Montague
%
The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%
"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
		   Over and Over"
%
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
%
The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
%
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four
and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
%
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
		-- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
%
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
		-- Dr. Who
%
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
%
Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
%
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
%
	Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
ocean.  After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
%
We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
before we are fit to participate in society.
		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
		   Correct Behaviour"
%
We are the people our parents warned us about.
%
What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of
us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were,
long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit till
at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he look
peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all the wars
and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and discovery in
life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp
before they were five years old.
		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
What's done to children, they will do to society.
%
When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
		-- Brian Aldiss
%
When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.  By the time I was
20, he had made great improvement.
%
When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
%
Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
%
Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just
picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children
open their old-fashioned presents.

Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"

You:	"A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it falls
down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"

Son:	"Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer with 
two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this 
cretin TOP?"

Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."

You:	"It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"

Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
for instance.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time," Margaret
Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 she shocked
feminists by snapping that women don't really have children to put them in
day care twelve hours a day, either.
		-- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
%
You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
%
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine.  You
need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
picture star.  If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
success.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Youth is the trustee of posterity.
%
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
%
Youth.  It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
%
A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
	"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
apologized the rabbit.
	"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
problem!"
	"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
you think you could help me find out?"
	"I'll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
	"Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
	"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
suppose you could try and tell me?"
	The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you're low, cold
and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
%
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.  One
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door.  Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base.  This proved too
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
	Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone.  Approaching the back door he was startled
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
	Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't.  You know
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
%
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
		-- Ben Franklin
%
A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks.  "Professional
courtesy," he explained.
%
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
a fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
a shilling.  "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
an attorney?  Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
%
A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he
hates his wife.
%
	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
all day?"
	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
%
	A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
	The housewife replied, "Four!".
	The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures
through my spread sheet one more time."
	The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
%
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
		-- Robert Frost
%
	A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.  "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
lawyer.
	"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.  However,
I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
	"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
	"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
%
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
exceptional ability in that particular field."
%
	A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
ability in that particular field."
%
	A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
	"Sure do," replied the bartender.
	"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
my 'gator."
%
	A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
%
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
%
A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater.
%
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
%
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
the returns."
%
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
once a year.
%
After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
comparative law.  In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
except that which is permitted.  In France, under the law, everything
is permitted, except that which is prohibited.  In the Soviet Union,
under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
permitted.  And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
especially that which is prohibited.
		-- Newton Minow,
		Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
%
	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
	"This is true," He replied.
	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
make his own."
	It was so granted.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
to a motion may not be amended.  However, a substitute for an amendment to
and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
		-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
		language.
%
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder.
"Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's mutilated body into
a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.  Just north of Tijuana a cop
spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress
that my client is *___not* a murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
%
An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation,
leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir
Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be,
Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
%
And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
he was melting...
%
Another day, another dollar.
		-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
		   upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
		   Reagan.
%
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
%
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp.
%
Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
suspects who are innocent of a crime.  That's contradictory.  If a person
is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
		-- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
%
Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
the issue afterwards.
%
Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
%
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to
do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with
the judges.
		-- Beyond the Fringe
%
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
%
... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
to mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 
unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 
in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If
there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
of value.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
trousers that don't match.
%
Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the Court of
Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
		-- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
%
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
%
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
asked him, after a few days.
	"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
%
[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
    factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
    impression.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
damage inflicted on the vehicle.
%
Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
		-- Cary Grant
%
Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
%
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
%
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
Dial-A-Wombat.
	It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
	Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
	But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
	The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
	Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
another phone booth.
	There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
	The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
released it, too, in the scrub.
	But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
	After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
	Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
telephone booths.
		-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
%
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
	"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
%
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:

It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
as that in support of an affirmative.
		-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
%
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:

We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
seems to us that someone has been very careless.
		-- 78 So. 365.
%
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:

We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
		-- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
%
Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
	No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
apply to female horses.
%
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.

DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
	 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
	 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
	 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
	 amounts of fertilization ...
HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
	 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:

Q:  Are you married?
A:  No, I'm divorced.
Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:

Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
    and you didn't scream?
A:  No ma'am.
Q:  Does that mean you consented?
A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:

THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
	   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:

Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A:  I will be three months November 8th.
Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A:  Yes.
Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:

Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A:  No.
Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A:  Picking them up in the air.
Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
A:  Attached to the ears.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:

Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
    him to the station?
MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:

Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A:  By death.
Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:

Q:  What is your name?
A:  Ernestine McDowell.
Q:  And what is your marital status?
A:  Fair.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:

Q:  What happened then?
A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q:  Did he kill you?
A:  No.
%
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 
dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
		-- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out
		   of the American Bar Association
%
	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you
think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%
Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
		-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
%
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
%
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you
can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height
on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car
or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you probably have the makings of
an excellent legal case.  Although of course every case is different, I
would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there's no
reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin
cruiser.

"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto
is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
		-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
%
	Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
%
	How do you insult a lawyer?
	You might as well not even try.  Consider: of all the highly
trained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime
lesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*.
	Once someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them?
%
HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill., motion
that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.  The Senate amendment
was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill.  The original Senate amendment
was the conference agreement on the bill.  Agreed to.
		-- Albuquerque Journal
%
Humor in th Court:
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.? What school do 
    you go to?
A.  Oral.
Q.  How old are you?
A.  Oral.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
A.  My ex-widow said it.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.  No.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, 
    and said he was really good.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition 
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide?
A.  Four times.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.  Borofkin.
Q.  What's his first name?
A.  I can't remember.
Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first 
    name?
A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
    pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
    name!
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial 
   instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
   a victim?
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
   with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
   of my head.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective 
   witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and 
   she did!
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
%
I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
		-- Fratianno
%
I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
kind of loophole.
		-- Leo Kessler
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[110.13]:
       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
        to interfere with oncoming traffic."

[22.17b]:
       "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience.  The best
        recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
        game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
        on the highway."

[41.16]:
       "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
        asking for it."
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[131.16d]:
       "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
        inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
        a U-turn on a divided highway."

[96.7b]:
       "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
        quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
        traveling more than 60 MPH."

[110.13]:
       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
        to interfere with oncoming traffic."
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[173.15b]:
	"When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
        that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."

[141.2a]:
       "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
        parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
        a 5' parking space."

[105.31]:
       "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
        Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
%
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.  I
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
in the summer.
		-- Brendan Behan
%
	Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
%
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
		-- Joseph C. Goulden
%
If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
it might well prolong his life.
		-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
%
"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
%
If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
		-- Tom Wicker
%
If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
		-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
%
	In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
kill all the lawyers."  That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts.  Lawyers
and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
out how the pie gets divided.  Neither profession provides any added value
to product."
	According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population.  The U.S. has 200
lawyers and 700 accountants.  This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack."  Could Dick Butcher have
been an efficiency expert?
		-- Motor Trend, May 1983
%
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
%
In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
%
In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
to get her attention.
%
In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
in any motor vehicle.
%
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
%
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
%
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
%
In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.
%
In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
either flying or waiting to board a plane.
%
	In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
%
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
%
In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
%
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."
%
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
%
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.
%
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you stole a dog
and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
%
In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
%
It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
indulgence for infanticide.  A question of interest, my dear Sir!  The jury
is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
of infanticide.
		-- Edmond About
%
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
%
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
%
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
%
It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our
offense consists in doubting it.
		-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
%
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing,
each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other
has gone.
%
	It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
balloon to cross the United States.  After forty hours in the air, George
turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course!  We
need to find out where we are."
	Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
cloud cover.  Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me!  Can you please tell me
where we are?"
	The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
fifty feet in the air!"
	George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
	Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
	"Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless!"

That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
%
It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.
		-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
%
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
%
It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not
only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.  The only
difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
results to humans.

	[Also, there are some things even a rat won't do.  Ed.]
%
Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
someone else's cash.
		-- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
%
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
%
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.
%
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.
%
Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?

-- No?

GOOD!
%
Laws are like sausages.  It's better not to see them being made.
		-- Otto von Bismarck
%
Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
	"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."
%
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
%
Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish.  You would sue:

* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
  in there".

* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
  cretin like yourself.

* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
  a large cash settlement anyway.
		-- Dave Barry
%
... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... 
impeccable!
%
Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.
%
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
it in order to protect themselves.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
%
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols;
they may buy shotguns freely, however.
%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
law against it by that time.
%
NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
%
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
%
Of ______course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a fake?
%
	Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
	The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
	"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
%
Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 
roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
the railroad yards."
		-- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
		   counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
		   law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
%
... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm.  One thing
I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition.  If somebody
gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal
stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person
would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
		-- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test
			
(10) Potholes are

	(a) extremely dangerous.
	(b) patriotic.
	(c) the fault of the previous administration.
	(d) all going to be fixed next summer.

The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican,
imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars.  If you drive a
big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about.
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should

	(a) stop immediately.
	(b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
	(c) blow the horn.
	(d) floor it.

The correct answer is (d). If you said (c), you were almost right, so
give yourself a half point.
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(3) When stopped at an intersection you should

	(a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
	(b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
	(c) blow the horn.
	(d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.

The correct answer is (d). You need to start as soon as the traffic light
for the intersecting street turns yellow. Answer (c) is worth a half point.
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(4) Exhaust gas is

	(a) beneficial.
	(b) not harmful.
	(c) toxic.
	(d) a punk band.

The correct answer is (b). The meddling Washington eco-freak communist
bureaucrats who say otherwise are liars.  (Message to those who answered (d).
Go back to California where you came from.  Your kind are not welcome here.)
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(5) Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.  How often should
you test it?

	(a) once a year.
	(b) once a month.
	(c) once a day.
	(d) once an hour.

The correct answer is (d). You should test your car's horn at least once
every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
%
			Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
    but a steady left tail light.  This means

	(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
	    to call the problem to the driver's attention.
	(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
	(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
	(d) the driver is from out of town.

The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.
%
			Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(8) Pedestrians are

	(a) irrelevant.
	(b) communists.
	(c) a nuisance.
	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(9) Roads are salted in order to

	(a) kill grass.
	(b) melt snow.
	(c) help the economy.
	(d) prevent potholes.

The correct answer is (c). Road salting employs thousands of persons
directly, and millions more indirectly, for example, salt miners and
rustproofers.  Most important, salting reduces the life spans of cars,
thus stimulating the car and steel industries.
%
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
		-- Tommy Manville
%
Sho' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever'body git high,
they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee.
		-- Terry Southern
%
Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
about sex at all... they become lawyers.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
I can find for "landskap").  These laws were written down sometime in the
13th century, but date back even down into Viking times.  The oldest one is
the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
Christian stuff.  In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc.  Here is
an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
"lekare".
	"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it.  If an artist
	is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
	fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
	it out on the hillside.  Then they shall shave off all hair from the
	heifer's tail, and grease the tail.  Then the artist shall be given
	newly greased shoes.  Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
	and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip.  If he can hold her, he
	shall have the animal.  If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
	he received, shame and wounds."
%
Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
		-- Montesquieu
%
Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
%
The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
doctors nor lawyers.
		-- L. Docquier
%
	The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
%
The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
rise per foot of run.  A compromise, I imagine...
%
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
%
The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
%
	The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
caught again, he would be thrown in jail.  Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
%
The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
quality work.  But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
resurrection of competitiveness?  Will charging the atmosphere of the
workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
hiring of the abuser.  This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
nation's productivity problem.  If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
		-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
		   Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
		   Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
		   10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
%
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
		-- Anatole France
%
The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all men
should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the universal
weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
we own.
		-- H.G. Wells
%
The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
	In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
legislation.  The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
enforcement officer.  The advertisement offered different salary scales for
men and women.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
or to the people.
		-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
%
The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
voters to win the next election.
%
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
%
The Worst Jury
	A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
remotest clue what was happening.
	The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
	The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English.  A fluent French
speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
was hearing a murder trial.
	The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
	The judge ordered a retrial.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
tied during the month of April.
%
There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
%
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when he
filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
as 'unearned income.'
		-- Michael Lara
%
"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
during the trial."
		-- David Letterman
%
There's no justice in this world.
		-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
		   New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
		   saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
		   the assassination of Schultz instead)
%
This product is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Void where prohibited.  Some
assembly may be required.  Batteries not included.  Contents may settle during
shipment.  Use only as directed.  May be too intense for some viewers.  If
condition persists, consult your physician.  No user-serviceable parts inside.
Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.  Not responsible for direct,
indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
or failure to perform.  Slippery when wet.  For office use only.  Substantial
penalty for early withdrawal.  Do not write below this line.  Your cancelled
check is your receipt.  Avoid contact with skin.  Employees and their families
are not eligible.  Beware of dog.  Driver does not carry cash.  Limited time
offer, call now to insure prompt delivery.  Use only in well-ventilated area.
Keep away from fire or flame.  Some equipment shown is optional.  Price does
not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery.  Penalty for private use.  Call
toll free before digging.  Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
appear for identification purposes only.  All models over 18 years of age.  Do
not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.  Postage will be
paid by addressee.  Apply only to affected area.  One size fits all.  Many
suitcases look alike.  Edited for television.  No solicitors.  Reproduction
strictly prohibited.  Restaurant package, not for resale.  Objects in mirror
are closer than they appear.  Decision of judges is final.  This supersedes
all previous notices.  No other warranty expressed or implied.
%
Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.
%
We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor.  Bankers are not ever
popular but at least they bank.  Policeman police and undertakers take
under.  But lawyers do not give us law.  We receive not the gladsome light
of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
		-- Nolo News, summer 1989
%
We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 
remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
		-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
%
Welcome to Utah.
If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
%
What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
%
When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.

Step number 3 is of particular importance.  If you leave the guy alive
out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
to support him for the rest of his rotten life.  In court he will plead
that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
poor.  In that lawsuit, you will lose.  If, on the other hand, you kill
him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
story; forget Mother Teresa.  Second, even if you lose, how much could
the bum's life be worth anyway?  A Lot less than 50 years worth of
paralysis.  Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein.  Finish the job.
	-- G. Gordon Liddy's "Forbes" column on personal security
%
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
examine the laws of heat.
		-- Christopher Morley
%
Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
		-- Carl Sandburg
%
Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
more lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.
%
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
they make a law it's a joke.
		-- Will Rogers
%
A Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste!
(By jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu, Joe Sloan)
%
"A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea on the
net."
(David Parsons in c.o.l.development.system, about coding in C.)
%
"Absolutely nothing should be concluded from these figures except that
no conclusion can be drawn from them."
(By Joseph L. Brothers, Linux/PowerPC Project)
%
Actually, typing random strings in the Finder does the equivalent of
filename completion.
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands: file
completion vs. the Mac Finder.)
%
After watching my newly-retired dad spend two weeks learning how to make a new
folder, it became obvious that "intuitive" mostly means "what the writer or
speaker of intuitive likes".
(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X the
intuitiveness of a Mac interface.)
%
"All language designers are arrogant.  Goes with the territory..."
(By Larry Wall)
%
And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports
on it, you know they are just evil lies."
(By Linus Torvalds, Linus.Torvalds@cs.helsinki.fi)
%
"...and scantily clad females, of course.  Who cares if it's below zero
outside"
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
"And the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs
19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in Paraguay doesn't seem to
get the background colors right, you'll know who to thank."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
> : Any porters out there should feel happier knowing that DEC is shipping
> : me an AlphaPC that I intend to try getting linux running on: this will
> : definitely help flush out some of the most flagrant unportable stuff.
> : The Alpha is much more different from the i386 than the 68k stuff is, so
> : it's likely to get most of the stuff fixed.
>
> It's posts like this that almost convince us non-believers that there
> really is a god.
(A follow-up by alovell@kerberos.demon.co.uk, Anthony Lovell, to Linus's
remarks about porting)
%
Anyone who thinks UNIX is intuitive should be forced to write 5000 lines of 
code using nothing but vi or emacs. AAAAACK!
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially
Emacs.)
%
"Are [Linux users] lemmings collectively jumping off of the cliff of
reliable, well-engineered commercial software?"
(By Matt Welsh)
%
As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled this
kernel yet.  So if it works, you should be doubly impressed.
(Linus Torvalds, announcing kernel 1.3.3 on the linux-kernel mailing list.)
%
Avoid the Gates of Hell.  Use Linux
(Unknown source)
%
Be warned that typing \fBkillall \fIname\fP may not have the desired
effect on non-Linux systems, especially when done by a privileged user.
(From the killall manual page)
%
"Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?"
(By Patrick Volkerding)
%
But what can you do with it?  -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner.
(Submitted by Andy Pearce, ajp@hpopd.pwd.hp.com)
%
"By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since
sliced bread."
(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)
%
/*
 * Oops. The kernel tried to access some bad page. We'll have to
 * terminate things with extreme prejudice.
*/
die_if_kernel("Oops", regs, error_code);
(From linux/arch/i386/mm/fault.c)				   
%
"...Deep Hack Mode--that mysterious and frightening state of
consciousness where Mortal Users fear to tread."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
Dijkstra probably hates me
(Linus Torvalds, in kernel/sched.c)
%
DOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system
     crashes, usually just before saving a massive project.  Easily cured by
     UNIX.  See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS.
(from David Vicker's .plan)
%
/*
 * [...] Note that 120 sec is defined in the protocol as the maximum
 * possible RTT.  I guess we'll have to use something other than TCP
 * to talk to the University of Mars.
 * PAWS allows us longer timeouts and large windows, so once implemented
 * ftp to mars will work nicely.
 */
(from /usr/src/linux/net/inet/tcp.c, concerning RTT [retransmission timeout])
%
"Even more amazing was the realization that God has Internet access.  I
wonder if He has a full newsfeed?"
(By Matt Welsh)
%
>Ever heard of .cshrc?
That's a city in Bosnia.  Right?
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)
%
Fatal Error: Found [MS-Windows] System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...
(By cbbrown@io.org, Christopher Browne)
%
How do I type "for i in *.dvi do xdvi i done" in a GUI?
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.)
%
"How should I know if it works?  That's what beta testers are for.  I only
coded it."
(Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting)
%
----==-- _                     / /  \
---==---(_)__  __ ____  __    / / /\ \
--==---/ / _ \/ // /\ \/ /   / /_/\ \ \
-=====/_/_//_/\_,_/ /_/\_\  /______\ \ \
A proud member of TeamLinux \_________\/
(By CHaley (HAC), haley@unm.edu, ch008cth@pi.lanl.gov)
%
I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS.
Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117.
(By entropy@world.std.com, Lawrence Foard)
%
I did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody.  It doesn't generate revenue.
(Dave '-ddt->` Taylor, announcing DOOM for Linux)
%
Feel free to contact me (flames about my english and the useless of this
driver will be redirected to /dev/null, oh no, it's full...).
(Michael Beck, describing the PC-speaker sound device)
%
"I don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse than
first programs in any other language (maybe except for fortran, but then
I suspect all fortran programs look like `firsts')"
(By Olaf Kirch)
%
"I once witnessed a long-winded, month-long flamewar over the use of
mice vs. trackballs...It was very silly."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a
fundamental error.  Be thankful you are not my student.  You would not get a
high grade for such a design :-)
(Andrew Tanenbaum to Linus Torvalds)
%
"I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than
10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't."
(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)
%
"I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated Development
That' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb.  Thank you."
(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)
%
"I'm an idiot.. At least this one [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.."
(Linus Torvalds in response to a bug report.)

> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
Disquieting ...
(Gonzalo Tornaria in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.)

> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
We need to find some new terms to describe the rest of us mere mortals
then.
(Craig Schlenter in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.)

> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
Surely, Linus is talking about the kind of idiocy that others aspire to :-).
(Bruce Perens in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.)
%
I've run DOOM more in the last few days than I have the last few
months.  I just love debugging ;-)
(Linus Torvalds)
%
Microsoft Corp., concerned by the growing popularity of the free 32-bit
operating system for Intel systems, Linux, has employed a number of top
programmers from the underground world of virus development. Bill Gates stated
yesterday: "World domination, fast -- it's either us or Linus". Mr. Torvalds
was unavailable for comment ...
(rjm@swift.eng.ox.ac.uk (Robert Manners), in comp.os.linux.setup)
%
    if (argc > 1 && strcmp(argv[1], "-advice") == 0) {
	printf("Don't Panic!\n");
	exit(42);
    }
(Arnold Robbins in the LJ of February '95, describing RCS)
%
+#if defined(__alpha__) && defined(CONFIG_PCI)
+       /*
+        * The meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Plus
+        * this makes the year come out right.
+        */
+       year -= 42;
+#endif
(From the patch for 1.3.2: (kernel/time.c), submitted by Marcus Meissner)
%
"If the future navigation system [for interactive networked services on
the NII] looks like something from Microsoft, it will never work."
(Chairman of Walt Disney Television & Telecommunications)
%
"If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot
of different places, just write a Unix operating system."
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
"[In 'Doctor' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what I
thought of it.  (The response was, 'Perhaps you could try to be less
abusive.')"
(By Matt Welsh)
%
In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable.
Then howcome people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished?
(By hasku@rost.abo.fi, Hasse Skrifvars)
%
Intel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy. The phrase
was "Divide and conquer" not "Divide and cock up"
(By iialan@www.linux.org.uk, Alan Cox)
%
"It's God.  No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
LILO, you've got me on my knees!
(from David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and the
Dominos, and Werner Almsberger)
%
Linux is obsolete
(Andrew Tanenbaum)
%
"Linux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-night
hacking (and/or conversations with God)."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
Linux!  Guerrilla UNIX Development     Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus.
(By mah@ka4ybr.com, Mark A. Horton KA4YBR)
%
"...[Linux's] capacity to talk via any medium except smoke signals."
(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)
%
linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste
(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)
%
Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.
(By komarimf@craft.camp.clarkson.edu, Mark Komarinski)
%
linux: the choice of a GNU generation
(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)
%
"Linux: the operating system with a CLUE...
Command Line User Environment".
(seen in a posting in comp.software.testing)
%
lp1 on fire
(One of the more obfuscated kernel messages)
%
Microsoft is not the answer.
Microsoft is the question.
NO (or Linux) is the answer.
(Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown)
%
'Mounten' wird fuer drei Dinge benutzt: 'Aufsitzen' auf Pferde, 'einklinken'
von Festplatten in Dateisysteme, und, nun, 'besteigen' beim Sex.
(Christa Keil in a German posting: "Mounting is used for three things:
climbing on a horse, linking in a hard disk unit in data systems, and, well,
mounting during sex".)
%
"MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years
of careful development."
(By dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca)
%
"Never make any mistaeks."
(Anonymous, in a mail discussion about to a kernel bug report.)
%
> No manual is ever necessary.
May I politely interject here: BULLSHIT.  That's the biggest Apple lie of all!
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.)
%
Not me, guy. I read the Bash man page each day like a Jehovah's Witness reads
the Bible. No wait, the Bash man page IS the bible. Excuse me...
(More on confusing aliases, taken from comp.os.linux.misc)
%
"Note that if I can get you to \"su and say\" something just by asking,
you have a very serious security problem on your system and you should
look into it."
(By Paul Vixie, vixie-cron 3.0.1 installation notes)
%
Now I know someone out there is going to claim, "Well then, UNIX is intuitive,
because you only need to learn 5000 commands, and then everything else follows
from that! Har har har!"
(Andy Bates in comp.os.linux.misc, on "intuitive interfaces", slightly
defending Macs.)
%
Now, it we had this sort of thing:
  yield -a     for yield to all traffic
  yield -t     for yield to trucks
  yield -f     for yield to people walking (yield foot)
  yield -d t*  for yield on days starting with t
...you'd have a lot of dead people at intersections, and traffic jams you
wouldn't believe...
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)
%
"Oh, I've seen copies [of Linux Journal] around the terminal room at The
Labs."
(By Dennis Ritchie)
%
"On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK'
- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS."
(By Tarl Neustaedter)
%
"On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT"
(Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com)
%
Once upon a time there was a DOS user who saw Unix, and saw that it was
good. After typing cp on his DOS machine at home, he downloaded GNU's
unix tools ported to DOS and installed them. He rm'd, cp'd, and mv'd
happily for many days, and upon finding elvis, he vi'd and was happy. After
a long day at work (on a Unix box) he came home, started editing a file,
and couldn't figure out why he couldn't suspend vi (w/ ctrl-z) to do
a compile.
(By ewt@tipper.oit.unc.edu (Erik Troan)
%
> > Other than the fact Linux has a cool name, could someone explain why I
> > should use Linux over BSD?
>
> No.  That's it.  The cool name, that is.  We worked very hard on
> creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it
> certainly paid off: thousands of people are using linux just to be able
> to say "OS/2? Hah.  I've got Linux.  What a cool name".  386BSD made the
> mistake of putting a lot of numbers and weird abbreviations into the
> name, and is scaring away a lot of people just because it sounds too
> technical.
(Linus Torvalds' follow-up to a question about Linux)
%
Personally, I think my choice in the mostest-superlative-computer wars has to
be the HP-48 series of calculators.  They'll run almost anything.  And if they
can't, while I'll just plug a Linux box into the serial port and load up the
HP-48 VT-100 emulator.
(By jdege@winternet.com, Jeff Dege)
%
There are no threads in a.b.p.erotica,  so there's no  gain in using a
threaded news reader.
(Unknown source)
%
"Problem solving under linux has never been the circus that it is under
AIX."
(By Pete Ehlke in comp.unix.aix)
%
quit   When the quit statement is read, the  bc  processor
       is  terminated, regardless of where the quit state-
       ment is found.  For example, "if  (0  ==  1)  quit"
       will cause bc to terminate.
(Seen in the manpage for "bc". Note the "if" statement's logic)
%
Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only
be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on.
(Unknown source)
%
"sic transit discus mundi"
(From the System Administrator's Guide, by Lars Wirzenius)
%
Sigh.  I like to think it's just the Linux people who want to be on
the "leading edge" so bad they walk right off the precipice.
(Craig E. Groeschel)
%
The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license. If
it breaks then you get to keep both pieces.
(Copyright notice for the chat program)
%
> The day people think linux would be better served by somebody else (FSF
> being the natural alternative), I'll "abdicate".  I don't think that
> it's something people have to worry about right now - I don't see it
> happening in the near future.  I enjoy doing linux, even though it does
> mean some work, and I haven't gotten any complaints (some almost timid
> reminders about a patch I have forgotten or ignored, but nothing
> negative so far).
>
> Don't take the above to mean that I'll stop the day somebody complains:
> I'm thick-skinned (Lasu, who is reading this over my shoulder commented
> that "thick-HEADED is closer to the truth") enough to take some abuse.
> If I weren't, I'd have stopped developing linux the day ast ridiculed me
> on c.o.minix.  What I mean is just that while linux has been my baby so
> far, I don't want to stand in the way if people want to make something
> better of it (*).
>
>                 Linus
>
> (*) Hey, maybe I could apply for a saint-hood from the Pope.  Does
> somebody know what his email-address is? I'm so nice it makes you puke.
(Taken from Linus's reply to someone worried about the future of Linux)
%
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a
dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
(Arno Schaefer's .sig)
%
The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)
%
There are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, and
those who can't. There is a constant pitched battle between the two.
(From one of the post-1.1.54 kernel update messages posted to c.o.l.a)
%
This  message was brought to  you by Linux, the free  unix.
Windows without the X is like making love without a partner.
Sex, Drugs & Linux Rules
win-nt from the people who invented edlin
apples  have  meant  trouble  since  eden
Linux, the way to get rid of boot viruses
(By mwikholm@at8.abo.fi, MaDsen Wikholm)
%
"...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, and
the Ugly)."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
"...very few phenomena can pull someone out of Deep Hack Mode, with two
noted exceptions: being struck by lightning, or worse, your *computer*
being struck by lightning."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
"Waving away a cloud of smoke, I look up, and am blinded by a bright, white
light. It's God. No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God. In
a booming voice, He says: "THIS IS A SIGN. USE LINUX, THE FREE UNIX SYSTEM
FOR THE 386."
(Matt Welsh)
%
"We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds."
(Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the Amterdam
Linux Symposium)
%
We are MicroSoft.  You will be assimilated.  Resistance is futile.
(Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates)
%
We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
(seen in someone's .signature)
%
We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours!
(Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan)
%
We come to bury DOS, not to praise it.
(Paul Vojta, vojta@math.berkeley.edu, paraphrasing a quote of Shakespeare)
%
We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code
means that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department.
(Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software)
%
"What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through
these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot
water."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
What's this script do?
    unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you're
in a sleeping bag, camping out.
(Contributed by Frans van der Zande.)
%
`When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at
you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".'
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
"Whip me.  Beat me.  Make me maintain AIX."
(By Stephan Zielinski)
%
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk ?"
Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !!
(By leitner@inf.fu-berlin.de, Felix von Leitner)
%
Who wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you into
super-edit-debug-compile mode?
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially
Emacs.)
%
Why use Windows, since there is a door?
(By fachat@galileo.rhein-neckar.de, Andre Fachat)
%
"World domination.  Fast"
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
..you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar.  Believe me.  I
speak from experience."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
"...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and instead
sit in front of your linux computer playing with the
all-new-and-improved linux kernel version."
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
Your job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excuse
for some of the brain-damages of minix.
(Linus Torvalds to Andrew Tanenbaum)
%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
		-- Mark Twain
%
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
and nobody wants to read.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
%
A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
		-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
%
A is for Apple.
		-- Hester Pryne
%
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
		-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
%
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
%
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain
%
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
	-- by Franz Kafka

	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
	-- by J.R.R. Tolkien

	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
	-- by Wm. Shakespeare

	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
%
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
	like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
	lady who knits.

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
	-- by Fyodor Dostoevski

	A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
	feels guilty and apologizes.

The Odyssey LITE(tm)
	-- by Homer

	After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
%
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
		-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
%
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
%
All generalizations are false, including this one.
		-- Mark Twain
%
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
		-- Samuel Beckett
%
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
		-- Mark Twain
%
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
%
Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
		-- Mark Twain
%
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
%
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
than someone who hasn't.
		-- Mark Twain
%
April 1

This is the day upon which we are reminged of what we are on the other three
hundred and sixty-four.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
%
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
		-- John Keats
%
AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
	FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
		AWAKE! AWAKE!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
in 1959.
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.
%
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is
but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise
man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET."
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Big book, big bore.
		-- Callimachus
%
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.  Another man's, I mean.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Condense soup, not books!
%
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
		-- Shakespeare
%
Consider well the proportions of things.  It is better to be a young June-bug
than an old bird of paradise.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.  Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word.  Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. 
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before.  When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.
		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
 
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to I/O system services.]
%
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
steroid-free fitness center.
		-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
nothing.  It was here first.
		-- Mark Twain
%
"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
English literature's performing flea.
		-- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
%
Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Every cloud engenders not a storm.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Every why hath a wherefore.
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
%
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
%
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
	"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
	"Yes.  They have more money."
%
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is
oblivion.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
		-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
For a light heart lives long.
		-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
For courage mounteth with occasion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
%
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
was a gate.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to system overview.]
 
%
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel.  And if one can
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
		-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to powerfail recovery.]
%
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
		-- Justin Richardson.
%
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
	-- by Margaret Mitchell

	A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
	-- by O. Henry

	A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
	-- by Ernest Hemingway

	An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
	-- by Anne Frank

	A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
%
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. 
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must
have somebody to divide it with.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
%
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
%
Harp not on that string.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not
advice, it is merely custom.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
argument.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
		-- Mark Twain
%
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
%
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
%
His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god.  He preferred
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam.  He never
claimed to be a god.  But then, he never claimed not to be a god.  Circum-
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
Silence, though, could.  It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
goddess of the Night.  The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
%
How apt the poor are to be proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
%
I do desire we may be better strangers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
I dote on his very absence.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.
%
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
		-- Mark Twain
%
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
%
I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain
%
I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
		-- T.S. Eliot
%
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
		-- Mark Twain
%
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
		-- Charles Dickens
%
"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I 
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux
%
I'll burn my books.
		-- Christopher Marlowe
%
I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare
%
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
be a merrier world.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
		-- Ernest Hemingway
%
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
		-- Mark Twain
%
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. 
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
		-- Mark Twain
%
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
have obtained from books of travel.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
school boards.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
struggled and had lots of children.  There was a Frenchman who talked funny
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
crunch he was all courage.  Those novels would make you retch.
		-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
		   novel.
%
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is
something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
%
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
the most important.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
%
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
		-- Mark Twain
%
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition.  There was once a man
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that
there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best
judge of one.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
day like any other day, only shorter.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
%
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
		-- Mark Twain
%
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion
that makes horse-races.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Its name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.  It settles everything.
Some think it is the voice of God.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
		-- Shakespeare
%
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
		-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
%
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be
sorry.
		-- Maek Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.
%
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
%
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't
understand his own meaning.
		-- George D. Prentice
%
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
%
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
very thin paper.
%
Many pages make a thick book.
%
Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself,
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
		-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"
%
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
	My dear People.
	My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots.  Also my good
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End.  Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
%
Never laugh at live dragons.
		-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
%
No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.
		-- Mark Twain
%
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
		-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
%
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!
		-- Sherlock Holmes
%
Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
as if she laid an asteroid.
		-- Mark Twain
%
"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
		-- Shakespeare
%
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
%
October 12, the Discovery.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
December, August, and February.

		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
		-- Shakespeare
%
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
only nine lives.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Patch griefs with proverbs.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
%
Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves
possess.
		-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]
%
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
		-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
%
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
		-- Wm. Shakespeare
%
Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools
that think they are truffles.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
		-- Mark Twain
%
ROMEO:		Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO:	No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
			as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
%
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.
%
Small things make base men proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
		-- Samuel Foote
%
So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
		-- Shakespeare
%
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
%
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee.  Of all divers,
thou has dived the deepest.  That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
moved amid the world's foundations.  Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
water-land, there was thy most familiar home.  Thou hast been where bell or
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
would give their lives to lay them down.  Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them.  Thou saw'st the
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms.  O head! thou has
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
syllable is thine!"
		-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
%
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
		-- Corwin, Prince of Amber
%
Stop!  There was first a game of blindman's buff.  Of course there was.
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
in his boots.  My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it.  The
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
on the credulity of human nature.
%
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare
%
Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
		-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
%
Talkers are no good doers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Tempt not a desperate man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
%
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
The better part of valor is discretion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."

Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad:

	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
%
The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
%
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
%
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and
enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to
lend money.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
be better."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Least Successful Collector
	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
Are of imagination all compact...
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
%
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
	"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
feel interested.
	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
Aged Man.'"
	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
Alice corrected herself.
	"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing!  The song is
called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
time completely bewildered.
	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
		--Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
		-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
%
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
		-- Mark Twain
%
	The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
	A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand.  A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
out on the water, round.  Usurper.
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
%
The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
		-- Mark Twain
%
The ripest fruit falls first.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with
commoner things.  It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God
over all the fruits of the earth.  When one has tasted it, he knows what the
angels eat.  It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because
she repented.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
		-- Mark Twain
%
There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
%
There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
%
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
		-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
%
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
		-- Mark Twain
%
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.  Observe the ass, for instance: his
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to.  Instead of feeling
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
		-- Mark Twain
%
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
		-- Ernest Hemingway
%
There's small choice in rotten apples.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners
always spell better than they pronounce.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Things past redress and now with me past care.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a
little ironic since we may not have one.
		-- Arthur Clarke
%
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
To be or not to be.
		-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
		-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
		-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
		-- Sinatra
%
Too much is just enough.
		-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
%
Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
		-- William Shakespeare
%
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
		-- Mark Twain
%
We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
		-- Mark Twain
%
We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
	"Stop the car," the girl said.
	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition
%
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
	Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.  If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
	I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
	Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
  nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
		-- Dave Barry
%
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
		-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
%
What I tell you three times is true.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.
%
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
		-- Mark Twain
%
When in doubt, tell the truth.
		-- Mark Twain
%
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
		-- Dylan Thomas
%
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
%
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
		-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
%
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt
of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race.  He
brought death into the world.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we
are not the person involved.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
		-- Gene Fowler
%
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
		-- J.P. Donleavy
%
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
%
	"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
	"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
	"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
	"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
%
You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
%
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow
%
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
%
You tread upon my patience.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes
%
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
%
A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
%
A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual
stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous.
%
A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers.  It was clearly platoonic.
%
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones,
as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
Absence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens, but much
extinguishes it.
		-- Hannah More
%
Absence is to love what wind is to fire.  It extinguishes the small,
it enkindles the great.
%
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
ridiculous ones.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
Always there remain portions of our heart into which no one is able to enter,
invite them as we may.
%
Bondage maybe, discipline never!
		-- T.K.
%
Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance
and without any visible reason.
		-- Lord Chesterfield
%
Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
%
Falling in Love
	When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
love.  You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place.  Unfortunately,
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
good idea to check with your doctor.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Falling in love is a lot like dying.  You never get to do it enough to
become good at it.
%
Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:

	"Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."

Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:

	P.O. Box 35
	Baffled Greek, Michigan
%
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
		-- St. Augustine
%
God is love, but get it in writing.
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion."
		-- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
%
He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
encounter many rivals.
		-- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
%
Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
		-- The Wizard of Oz
%
HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
	Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you".  It's a sin to
	tell a lie.  Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
	these words were spoken.
%
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
%
How much does she love you?  Less than you'll ever know.
%
I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
		-- John Donne
%
I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary
relief to nymphomaniacs.
		-- Larry Lee
%
I don't want people to love me.  It makes for obligations.
		-- Jean Anouilh
%
I love you more than anything in this world.  I don't expect that will last.
		-- Elvis Costello
%
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
		-- Roy Croft
%
I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might commit
some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it irresistible.
		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
%
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
		-- Mae West
%
I think a relationship is like a shark.  It has to constantly move forward
or it dies.  Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
		-- Mae West
%
I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
foolishness.  I no longer thought that.  There's nothing foolish in
loving anyone.  Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
		-- Rita Mae Brown
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
to undo it."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
Julian to Gregorian."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static
cling."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
cottage cheese sculpture."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
need worrying about."
%
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
		-- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
%
	"I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided.  "The pin I'm wearing
means I'm a member of the IA.  That's Inamorati Anonymous.  An inamorato is
somebody in love.  That's the worst addiction of all."
	"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
them, or something?"
	"Right.  The whole idea is to get where you don't need it.  I was
lucky.  I kicked it young.  But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
	"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
	"No, of course not.  You get a phone number, an answering service
you can call.  Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
it gets so bad you can't handle it alone.  We're isolates, Arnold.  Meetings
would destroy the whole point of it."
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
%
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
		-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
%
If only you knew she loved you, you could face the uncertainty of
whether you love her.
%
If you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a call.
%
If you love someone, set them free.
If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
%
In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
other really likes.
		-- Elizabeth Ashley
%
In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
beloved.
		-- Russell Baker
%
In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
		-- Bruton
%
In real love you want the other person's good.  In romantic love you
want the other person.
		-- Margaret Anderson
%
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
%
Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
about his or her love affairs.
		-- Rebecca West
%
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.
%
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
%
Let's not complicate our relationship by trying to communicate with each other.
%
Lonely is a man without love.
		-- Englebert Humperdinck
%
Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
%
Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
Love is a grave mental disease.
		-- Plato
%
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
over, pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasels come.
		-- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
%
Love is always open arms.  With arms open you allow love to come and
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway.  If you close your
arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
%
Love is being stupid together.
		-- Paul Valery
%
Love is dope, not chicken soup.  I mean, love is something to be passed
around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
%
Love is in the offing.
		-- The Homicidal Maniac
%
Love is like a friendship caught on fire.  In the beginning a flame, very
pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.  As love
grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
and unquenchable.
		-- Bruce Lee
%
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
		-- Jerome K. Jerome
%
Love is never asking why?
%
Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
%
Love is sentimental measles.
%
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
%
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
		-- M. Hirschfield
%
Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
		-- Saint Exupery
%
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
%
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
		-- James Thurber
%
Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
%
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
%
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
		-- Eric Segal, "Love Story"

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
		-- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
%
Love tells us many things that are not so.
		-- Krainian Proverb
%
May your SO always know when you need a hug.
%
"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
had to seek professional help."
%
Most people don't need a great deal of love nearly so much as they need
a steady supply.
%
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
%
Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
		-- Clare Booth Luce
%
	"No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
simple, really.  "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now.  You just can't
hold people, you can't own them.  I mean it's only natural, a natural process
really.  Meet.  Love.  Part.  Life goes on.  There was never any reason to
expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know."  There were
those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated.  "I don't hold a grudge.  I
can't."
	"You do," Grandfather Trout said.  "And you don't understand."
		-- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
%
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
%
Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.
		-- Charles Bukowski
%
Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
arch-enemy -- and that is life.
		-- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
%
On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on a surtout peur de souffrir
ou de faire souffrir.
	[One is always a little afraid of love, but above all, one is
	 afraid of pain or causing pain.]
%
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
		-- Rainer Rilke
%
One expresses well the love he does not feel.
		-- J.A. Karr
%
People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.
		-- Ken Kesey
%
Really??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
%
Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
		-- N.V. Plyter
%
Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
%
Sorry never means having your say to love.
%
Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
who can't communicate with their parents, and so on.  And the characters in
these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate.  I feel that if a person can't
communicate, the very _____least he can do is to shut up!
		-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
%
Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
%
That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
in the same way as us.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
That's life for you, said McDunn.  Someone always waiting for someone who
never comes home.  Always someone loving something more than that thing loves
them.  And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it
can't hurt you no more.
		-- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
%
	The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
	It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners
has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
foot or two under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the
sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
people shaking umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to
is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
%
The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today.
%
The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
%
The little pieces of my life I give to you, with love, to make a quilt
to keep away the cold.
%
The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
perfect partner, you're home free.  Unfortunately, falling out of love
seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
%
The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years
is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
		-- The Indianapolis Star
%
The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt in the uneasiness
experienced at being alone together.
		-- Jean de la Bruyere
%
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
		-- Charles Pierce
%
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
%
The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
and sixth years.
%
The story of the butterfly:
	"I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend.  I was in love,
a long time ago.  I waited three days.  I was hungry but could not go
out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her.  Then, on
the third day, I heard a knock."
	"I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
there was nothing."
	"Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
		-- Peter Carey, BLISS
%
The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
Scratch a lover and find a foe!
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
%
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
%
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants
and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when
the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again, don't we all?
%
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
%
There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
		-- Paul Bourget
%
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
%
Timing must be perfect now.  Two-timing must be better than perfect.
%
To be loved is very demoralizing.
		-- Katharine Hepburn
%
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three
parts dead.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
%
True happiness will be found only in true love.
%
Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it can wait.
Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
%
We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
		-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
%
What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice.
		-- Charles Baudelaire
%
When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
		-- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but ...
	-- I have to floss my cat.
	-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
	-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
	-- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
	-- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
	-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
	-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
	-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
	-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
	-- I have some really hard words to look up.
	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
	-- None of my socks match.
	-- I'm having all my plants neutered.
	-- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
	-- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
	-- I'm touring China with a wok band.
	-- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
	-- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
		named Basil Metabolism.
	-- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
	-- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
	-- I prefer to remain an enigma.
	-- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
	-- I feel a song coming on.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
	-- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
	-- I'm trying to be less popular.
	-- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
	-- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
	-- My subconscious says no.
	-- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
		can't seem to put it down.
	-- My favorite commercial is on TV.
	-- I have to study for my blood test.
	-- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
	-- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
	-- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
	-- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
	-- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
	-- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
	-- I have to fulfill my potential.
	-- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
	-- It's too close to the turn of the century.
	-- I have to bleach my hare.
	-- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
	-- I left my body in my other clothes.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
	-- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
	-- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
	-- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
	-- I'm building a plant from a kit.
	-- There's a disturbance in the Force.
	-- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
	-- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
	-- My crayons all melted together.
%
"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
you knowing nothing?"
		-- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
%
Without love intelligence is dangerous;
without intelligence love is not enough.
		-- Ashley Montagu
%
Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were a turn-on?
		-- "Broadcast News"
%
Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, but they won't go
out with you if you don't have any.
%
You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
		-- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
%
A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength.  It has been universally
established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon
or three normal sized billiard balls.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact remains that 
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 
completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It is for this group of
beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
near your person at all times."
		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
%
An ancient proverb summed it up: when a wizard is tired of looking for
broken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is tired of life.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to
light.

Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and
quick to anger.
%
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup."
%
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
		-- Aleister Crowley
%
Eight was also the Number of Bel-Shamharoth, which was why a sensible wizard
would never mention the number if he could avoid it.  Or you'll be eight
alive, apprentices were jocularly warned.  Bel-Shamharoth was especially
attracted to dabblers in magic who, by being as it were beachcombers on the
shores of the unnatural, were already half-enmeshed in his nets.
Rincewind's room number in his hall of residence had been 7a.  He hadn't
been surprised.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Sending of Eight"
%
"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded.  "And why were you afraid
to let her touch you?  I saw you.  You were afraid of her."
	"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
replied without rancor.  "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 
you.  As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
deceived by appearances.  Unlike human beings, who enjoy them.  As for your
second question --"  Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
licked himself smooth again.  Even then he would not look at Molly, but 
examined his claws.
	"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
hers and not my own, not ever again."
		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
It is a well known fact that warriors and wizards do not get along, because
one side considers the other side to be a collection of bloodthirsty idiots
who can't walk and think at the same time, while the other side is naturally
suspicious of a body of men who mumble a lot and wear long dresses.  Oh, say
the wizards, if we're going to be like that, then, what about all those
studded collars and oiled muscles down at the Young Men's Pagan Association?
To which the heroes reply, that's a pretty good allegation from a bunch of
wimpsoes who won't go near a woman on account, can you believe it, of their
mystical power being sort of drained out.  Right, say the wizards, that just
about does it, you and your leather posing pouches.  Oh yeah, say the the
heroes, why don't you ...
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
It is well known that *things* from undesirable universes are always seeking
an entrance into this one, which is the psychic equivalent of handy for the
buses and closer to the shops.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
	It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
for a few years.  He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
change over fairly often, and he's got a good life.   The only problem is the
ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
after year.  Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
starts giving it away for the audience.  For example, when the magician makes
a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back!  Behind
his back!"  Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
passengers.
	One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
a trace.  Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
parrot.  For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
the magician's end of the log.  With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
"OK, you win, I give up.  Where did you hide the ship?"
%
Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
		-- Aleister Crowley
%
Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
%
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
cramp his style.
%
Rincewind had generally been considered by his tutors to be a natural wizard
in the same way that fish are natural mountaineers.  He probably would have
been thrown out of Unseen University anyway--he couldn't remember spells and
smoking made him feel ill.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
%
The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
%
"The first rule of magic is simple.  Don't waste your time waving your
hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
		-- McCloctnik the Lucid
%
	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.  The Gray
Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
him are dead, he is alive.
	"Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
		-- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
%
	"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly.  "What use is
wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?"  He gripped the magician's shoulder
hard, to keep from falling.
	Schmendrick did not turn his head.  With a touch of sad mockery in
his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
...
	"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said.  "That is exactly what heroes
are for.  Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
		-- Peter Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
%
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about
problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that
if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be
embarrassingly good at it ...
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past year
strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley reap
crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon.  Calendars are made with
a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
salesmen.  The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
square knots.  The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
soggy potato chips."
	"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
	"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good
copy."
		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
Watch Rincewind.

Look at him.  Scrawny, like most wizards, and clad in a dark red robe on
which a few mystic sigils were embroidered in tarnished sequins. Some might
have taken him for a mere apprentice enchanter who had run away from his
master out of defiance, boredom, fear and a lingering taste for
heterosexuality.  Yet around his neck was a chain bearing the bronze octagon
that marked him as an alumnus of Unseen University, the high school of magic
whose time-and-space transcendent campus is never precisely Here or There.
Graduates were usually destined for mageship at least, but Rincewind--after
an unfortunate event--had left knowing only one spell and made a living of
sorts around the town by capitalizing on an innate gift for languages.  He
avoided work as a rule, but had a quickness of wit that put his
acquaintances in mind of a bright rodent.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
%
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
		-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
to be seen again.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
	Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
	valuable scientific objectivity.

2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
	Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
	gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
	Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
	You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
	the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
	disability you may have experienced.

5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
	It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
	explained in terms that you would understand.

6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
	Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
	research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
	You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
	to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
	It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
   OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
	The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
	sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
	This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
%
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  "Was it true," the woman
inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
of her life?"
	She was told that it was.  There was just a moment of silence before
the woman proceeded bravely on.  "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
condition is.  This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
%
A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests.  "I have
some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news."  The bad news is
that you only have six weeks to live."
	"Oh, no," says the patient.  "What could possibly be worse than that?"
	"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
last Monday."
%
A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
		-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
%
A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth.  Afterwards, the doctor
came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
	"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
	"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how.  Your son
(we assume) was born with no body.  He only has a head."
	Well, the doctor was correct.  The Head was alive and well, though no
one knew how.  The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
the circumstances.
	One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
phone call from another doctor.  The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
an operation.  Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
his head!"
	The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
up.  She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
surprise for you!"
	"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
%
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable  of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
	When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said.  "We're going to watch you day and night.  If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury.  Here's the money.  What do you intend to do with it?"
	"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We'll go to
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
%
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
brought tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles."
		-- Ronnie Shakes
%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
cold.  You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
cap you can find.  You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap.  I've
never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
		-- Peter Nelson
%
	As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
for more than 15 percent of their life span.  The words "I am sorry" and "I
am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary.  They will stab
you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave.  But I feel *better* for doing it."
		-- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
%
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
to the patients.  The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
die in six months.  Go in and tell him."  The intern boldly walks into the
room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot.  The doctor
grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject.  Now this man in
213 has about a week to live.  Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
gently!"
	The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!"  "Wonderful day, no?  Say...
guess who's going to die soon!"
%
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
%
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
%
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Cure the disease and kill the patient.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
%
Dental health is next to mental health.
%
Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
Simple coincidence?
Maybe...
%
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire life
to date.  He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days now.  He has
the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets when he suddenly
realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch in the coat closet
and neither parent [because of the flu] would have the strength to object.
He has been foraging for his own food, which means his diet consists
entirely of "food" substances which are advertised only on Saturday-morning
cartoon shows; substances that are the color of jukebox lights and that, for
legal reasons, have their names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy
Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot ("part of this complete breakfast").
		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
%
Fortune's Exercising Truths:

1:  Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic.  You don't.
2.  Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart.  So do heart attacks.
3.  Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
4.  Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
5.  No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
    quietly at your desk at work.  People will suspect manic tendencies as
    you twitter around in your chair.
6.  Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
7.  Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
    for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
    racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
8.  Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
    followed by one throw-up.
9.  Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
%
[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
Association, in Rome]:

The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria and
of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not spring
from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, or of means
of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in millions of
individuals in system functions which, once they have reached the event
maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology engaging a suitable
stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, president, political
party, etc.) to consummate the act of social schizophrenia in mass genocide.
%
God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
		-- Ralph Moonen
%
"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
%
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
		-- Ingrid Bergman
%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
		-- Redd Foxx
%
His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
		-- P.G. Wodehouse
%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
%
I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
		-- Chauncey Depew
%
I got the bill for my surgery.  Now I know what those doctors were
wearing masks for.
		-- James Boren
%
	"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
	"Did you ever see a doctor?"
	"No, just spots."
%
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
		-- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
%
	If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
	On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
that is also a psychological interaction.
	The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
so friendly.
	The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
%
It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
It produces a false impression.
		-- Oscar Wilde.
%
It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding
a sickness you like.
		-- Jackie Mason
%
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...
%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
%
Laetrile is the pits.
%
My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
%
Neurotics build castles in the sky,
Psychotics live in them,
And psychiatrists collect the rent.
%
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
		-- Erma Bombeck
%
New England Life, of course.  Why do you ask?
%
	page 46
...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative.  "The group
on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
on placebo."
	page 56
The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
Illness is always an interaction between both.  It can begin in the mind and
affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
which are served by the same bloodstream.  Attempts to treat most mental
diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
body functions.
		-- Norman Cousins,
		"Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
%
Paralysis through analysis.
%
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself,
a cold will hang on for a week.
		-- Darrell Huff
%
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
shortcomings.
		-- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
%
Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself a therapy.
		-- Karl Kraus

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
		-- C.G. Jung
%
Psychology.  Mind over matter.  Mind under matter?  It doesn't matter.
Never mind.
%
Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
%
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
%
Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away.
		-- Robert Orben
%
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
%
Some people need a good imaginary cure for their painful imaginary ailment.
%
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
%
Straw?  No, too stupid a fad.  I put soot on warts.
%
Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness.  To avoid overload
and burnout, keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.  Learn
the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
"Do you feel okay?  You look pale." approach.  Start with negotiation and
implication.  Advance to manipulation and humiliation.  Above all, relax
and have a nice day.
%
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
%
"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
		-- Dave Barry
%
"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
themselves," the old man said, no longer to me.  "But what will become 
of the bicuspids?"
		-- The Old Man and his Bridge
%
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
%
The real reason psychology is hard is that psychologists are trying to
do the impossible.
%
The reason they're called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise.
%
The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
%
The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to
deal with: death.
		-- Michael Phelps
%
The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
	In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow.  To investigate its internal
gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
expression and struck a match.  The jet of flame set fire first to some
bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 
The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
the magistrates.  The cow escaped with shock.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an official
name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu".  You
may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish you had another
setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
	Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
police would find you.
	You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
%
	"Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn.  Evelyn, will
you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
psycho-prompter couch?"
	"Thank you, Red."
	"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
	"Yes, Red."
	"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times.  Now,
at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900.  Now, any combination of
two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
projections will put you out of the game.  Are you willing to go ahead?"
	"Yes, Red."
	"I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
been checked for accuracy with her analyst.  Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
explain the failure of your three marriages."
	"Well, I--"
	"We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute.  First a word about our
product."
		-- Jules Feiffer
%
When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can't
be cured.
		-- Anton Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
%
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.  We Americans live in a nation where the
medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
seconds if we felt like it.
		-- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
%
94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here.
%
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
%
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce.
		-- Don Quinn
%
A bachelor is an unaltared male.
%
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
and a boy for ever.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
%
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse. 
%
A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
		-- Kipling
%
A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
		-- Emerson
%
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
of turning around three times before lying down.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
		-- John Steinbeck
%
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke 
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
in as Mr. and Mrs.
	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 
desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed
a bill for $2500.
	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I've been here for
only three days."
	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month
and a half."
%
A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
as your goal.  There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
dishonourable behaviour.  Unless she's really attractive.
		-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
%
A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
		-- Robert Frost
%
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
your birthday when you never look any older?"
%
	A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%
A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
waiting for a taxi.
	"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel.  "I'm going west."
	"How wonderful," came the cool reply.  "Bring me back an orange."
%
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
%
A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.
		-- Ruth Weston
%
A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
		-- Evan Esar
		[ And why not?  For why does she have his hat on?  Ed.]
%
A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
		-- Fred Allen
%
A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
		-- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
%
A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
		-- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
%
A girl's best friend is her mutter.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
%
A good man always knows his limitations.
		-- Harry Callahan
%
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
		-- Michel de Montaigne
%
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
%
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
%
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
		-- Lillian Day
%
A man always needs to remember one thing about a beautiful woman.

Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
%
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after
that begins to bunch them.
		-- Mencken
%
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
her again.  Okay?"

"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
on the side to make it interesting?"
%
A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married.  After
that it's cheating.
		-- Yves Montand
%
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
		-- Du Bois
%
A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.
		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
%
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
		-- Brendan Francis
%
A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
		-- Richard Thompson
%
A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
%
A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
%
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time.  After he'd given her
some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later.  Before
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill.  If that happened, he told
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
her aid.  
	Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
by the agreed upon signal.  Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
	"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
	"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied.  "I
just want to get my saddle back!"
%
A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
he is able to answer.
		-- Ronald Colman
%
A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
late card games.
	"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
he said.  "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
into the garage.  Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
tiptoe to our room.  But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
wakes up and gives me hell."
	"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
	"You do?"
	"Sure.  I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss.  `Hi, Alice,' I say.
`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
	"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
	"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied.  "She always pretends
she's asleep."
%
A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
	"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
why did you Di......eeee"
The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
	"Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
carrying on at this grave.  You must have been very close to the deceased."
	"No, I never met him.  Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
why....eeeee did you.."
	"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
Tell, me who is buried here?"
	"My wife's first husband."
%
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
out."
	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
that doubt!"
%
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
%
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
%
A man's gotta know his limitations.
		-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
%
A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object
in the whole creation.
		-- Goldsmith
%
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman
makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
		-- Frost
%
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
%
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
your wife asks you for nothing.
		-- Joey Adams
%
	A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts
that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
%
A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
		-- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
%
A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
demanded, "Was she not chaste?  Was she not fair?  Was she not fruitful?"
holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
		-- Plutarch
%
	A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty!  What's worn
under the kilt?"
	He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
really want to know.
	The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
%
A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
aggression.  Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
men.  More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
submission.  To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
		-- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
%
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress.  The
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
and lustful pursuits.
	The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the
affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
%
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
*for the rest of your life*.
		-- Jim Samuels
%
A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
were quite a struggle.
		-- Edna Ferber
%
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
%
A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
		-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
%
A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
		-- LeSage
%
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
thankful for a good one.
		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
%
A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows.
		-- Chamfort
%
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
		-- Nietzsche
%
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
		-- Stendhal
%
A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
		-- Maurine Lewis
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
%
A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
		-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
%
A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
%
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything,
should conceal it as well as she can.
		-- Jane Austen
%
	A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
%
A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window.  "Wow, I'd sure love to
have that!" she gushed.
	"No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
window and grabbing the ring.
	A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat.  "What
I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
	"No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
the coat.
	Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership.  "Boy, I'd do
anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
	"Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
%
A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces.  He turns to a gorgeous
woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace.  If you'll
allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
	The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
	"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
	"No, really.  You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
I could never spend it all.  I'd really like for you to have it."
	The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
calls over a clerk and hands it to him.  The clerk peers at the check, looks
at the young man, looks at the check again.  "Very good, sir.  I'm afraid I
can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
	"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
	The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
	"I know," the man replies.  "I just wanted to thank you for a
terrific weekend."
%
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
%
Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young man.
		-- Moms Mabley
%
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them
continues to pay for it.
		-- Peggy Joyce
%
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
		-- Arthur Baer
%
Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
		-- Norman Mailer
%
All heiresses are beautiful.
		-- John Dryden
%
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
%
All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
a cat, no maybe a dog.  Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
Definitely a dog.
%
All the men on my staff can type.
		-- Bella Abzug
%
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
%
American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently,
any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how
to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
help, she's bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you'd think that colleges
which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
continent would teach the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred
other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
greatest friction.
		-- James Michener, "Space"
%
	An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
%
An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
A pessimist is a married optimist.
%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
companion.

"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
%
And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
		-- Charles Dickens
%
Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the
greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed.  I don't know why women want to
record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
signs of dissolution or derangement.  Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply.  "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?"  "Not to me," the
husband may reply.  "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
singer."
		-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
%
Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
		-- Hedy Lamarr
%
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
%
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me a
postcard?"
%
As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and
considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless.

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless,
a separation.
		-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
%
Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
right cheek.  She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball.  She told the
writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
newspaper.  I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed.  *Especially* to
bed.  Guys were after me like you can't believe.  That's when I started
chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
as bad as this.  This is the worst chew in the world.  After this,
everything else is peaches and cream."  The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
two years?  God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
		-- Garrison Keillor
%
At last I've found the girl of my dreams.  Last night she said to me,
"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
		-- Nicolas Chamfort
%
Basically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
come in and sink my boats.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Be circumspect in your liaisons with women.  It is better to be seen at
the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
		-- De Maintenon
%
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.  Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
%
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
%
Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
%
Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
they are "Let's eat out."
%
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
%
Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.  And yet another guest went over
and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
	"Not too well," said the expectant mother.  "You know, I've missed
seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
%
Being owned by someone used to be called slavery -- now it's called commitment.
%
Benny Hill:	Would you like a peanut?
Girl:		No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
Benny Hill:	You won't be under obligation for a peanut.  
		It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
%
Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
%
Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
nightgowns do with keeping warm.
		-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
%
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
		-- James Thurber
%
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
		-- Kin Hubbard
%
Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
		-- Socrates
%
Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
		-- Kathleen Norris
%
Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she
were a man.
		-- Joubert
%
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
		-- William Congreve
%
Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
		-- Oliver Herford
%
Dear Miss Manners:
I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
rain.  May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
soaked.  I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
and I don't even know her name.  Could I have asked her to get under my
umbrella without seeming insulting?

Gentle Reader:
Certainly.  Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
attractive she is.  In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
before making your attack.
%
Dear Miss Manners:
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.

Gentle Reader:
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. If
the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, and
go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth along
your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route.  If, however,
the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more intimate
nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your pink tongue.
%
Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
		-- DeGourmont
%
Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long
together if ever we had been married?
%
Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
have got him.
%
Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.  Probably soon after she throws me out.
%
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
		-- Scottish Proverb
%
Dull women have immaculate homes.
%
	During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served.  Returning for a second
helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
	"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
white meat or dark meat."  Churchill apologized profusely.
	The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
her guest of honor.  The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
you would pin this on your white meat."
%
Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least
principle draw the most interest.
%
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
		-- Jackie Mason
%
... eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
original joy his falling in love with Ada.
		-- Nabokov
%
	Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
male schlemiel.
		-- Ewald Nyquist
%
	Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
charming a wife."
%
"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
just a bit unchivalrous ..."
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself,
and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
		-- Barrie
%
Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
%
Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
stressful than divorce.
		-- Wall Street Journal
%
Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
%
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
%
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry

When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
%
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry

When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
%
For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
but with break of day I went to make supplication.
		-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
%
For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
him to do so.  "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
spend my evenings?"
		-- Chamfort
%
Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#14

Low Blows:
	Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One
of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That must
hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up:
	A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will dress up
for: weddings, funerals.  Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men laugh about "the bachelor
party".

David Letterman:
	Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#16

Relationships:
	First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
basis".
	When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then
she will get on with her life.
	A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's
always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.  There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
these classes rarely prove effective.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#17

Shoes:
	 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
boots, and slippers.  The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
of her closet.  Most of them hurt her feet.
 
Making friends:
	 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
	A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
together, and say nothing.  After years of interacting with this other man,
sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
jerk, I guess you're OK."
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#2

Desserts:
	A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.  A man will start by
grabbing the cherry in the center.

Car repair:
	The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
manuals for every car made since World War II.  He will work on a problem
himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
fixed without special tools".
	The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
accurate description of an automotive problem.  She will, however, have the
car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
the average man.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#4

Clothes:
	Men don't discard clothes.  The average man still has the gym shirt
he wore in high school.  He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
the time it develops holes in the elbows.  A man will let new shirts sit on
the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
	Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#5

Trust:
	The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
around behind her back.  This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair.  She'll tell all her
OTHER friends, however.  The average man won't say anything if he knows that
one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
of his friends.  He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.

Driving:
	A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
the wheel of his car.  The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
Right Stuff on the morning commute.  Does he or doesn't he?  Only his body
shop knows for sure.  Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
price their policies accordingly.
	A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
her makeup.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#6

Bathrooms:
	A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
	A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things.  A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#8

Going Out:
	When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...

Cats:
	Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
	Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  Men are vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#9

Laundry:
	Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the laundromat.  This is a myth.

Nicknames:
	If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Socks:
	Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
%
	Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
"What happened?"
	"I was struck by the beauty of the place."
%
	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 
and sarcastic?"
	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
				FROM THE DESK OF
				Rapunzel

Dear Prince:

	Use ladder tonight -- you're splitting my ends.
%
Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
old girl friend.
%
			-- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you should
never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the clothes they
will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For example, your average
man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them.  He has learned,
through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at.  If you give him
a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More than
once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
		-- Archie Goodwin
%
Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation that
causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with certain curvilinear
properties.
		-- Ashley Montagu
%
Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for yourself!
%
Girls who throw themselves at men, are actually taking very careful aim.
%
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
%
God created a few perfect heads.  The rest he covered with hair.
%
God created woman.  And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
but many other things ceased as well.  Woman was God's second mistake.
		-- Nietzsche
%
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
%
Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
22-year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The
determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
program.  He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.  Within months, the
rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
	On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
by lightning.  Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "How
could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
	"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
recognize you."
%
Hat check girl:
	"Goodness!  What lovely diamonds!"
Mae West:
	"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
		-- "Night After Night", 1932
%
Having a baby isn't so bad.  If you're a female Emperor penguin in the
Antarctic.  She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, then takes off
for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats.  For two months, the
father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing
the egg on his feet.  After the little penguin is hatched, the mother
sees fit to come home.
		-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
%
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
%
He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
		-- Balzac
%
He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
senses until the day of judgement.
		-- Saadi
%
Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were
gonna call and it's been two weeks.  What's wrong, you lose my number?
%
High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed
on the forehead.
%
Him:	"Your skin is so soft.  Are you a model?"
Her:	"No,"  [blush]  "I'm a cosmetologist."
Him:	"Really? That's incredible... It must be very tough to handle
	weightlessness."
		-- "The Jerk"
%
His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
%
"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much as the mediocre
verses of the young man she is in love with.
		-- Moore
%
How much for your women?  I want to buy your daughter... how much for
the little girl?
		-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
%
	"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
social climber said to her roommate.  "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
full of money before."
%
I am very fond of the company of ladies.  I like their beauty,
I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
perfect woman.  I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
I would find her and then I would be secure for life.  Well, the years
and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
a lot less than my idea of perfection.  But one day, after many years
together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness.  My
wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees.  The only sounds to
be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window.  And
as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection...  It comes only
with time.
		-- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
%
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he
has income and she is pattable.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
		-- Betty MacDonald
%
I can't mate in captivity.
		-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
%
I come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time a woman
got pregnant, someone left town.
		-- Michael Prichard
%
I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
%
"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
people waiting to abuse me."
		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
%
I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don't want to.  Her spirit
was wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
being ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her other qualities.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
		-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
%
I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
support of the woman I love.
		-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
		   of the British throne in order to marry the American
		   divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
%
I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
be blockhead enough to have me.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
didn't is just lyin'!
		-- Willie Nelson
%
I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.
		-- Art Leo
%
I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull that kidnapped
Europa.
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
%
I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.
		-- Tom McGuane
%
I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
		-- Rita Rudner
%
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
		-- Walt Disney
%
	I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more.  I knew that he disliked
me to cry.
	This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
to weep."
	I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
back; I would be nice."
	Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
	"Oh, not enough."
	"Nobody can give anybody enough."
	"Not ever?"
	"No, not ever.  But one must go on trying."
	"And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
	"Rarely," said Francis.  I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
		-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
%
I married beneath me.  All women do.
		-- Lady Nancy Astor
%
I met a wonderful new man.  He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
		-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
%
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
places they do today.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
%
I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.  To see
the sights I'm never going to visit.
%
I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
believing that some men are my equals.
		-- Brigid Brophy
%
I respect the institution of marriage.  I have always thought that every
woman should marry -- and no man.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
%
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then
natural selection reared its ugly head.
%
I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately
anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
		-- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
%
I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
		-- Chick
%
I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
		-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
%
I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
		-- Freud
%
I was in a beauty contest one.  I not only came in last, I was hit in
the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
		-- Phyllis Diller
%
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
		-- Chico Marx
%
I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
one every day.
		-- Heine
%
I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, only they won't let me
raise my voice.
		-- Winkle
%
I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
%
I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
		-- Brenda Starr
%
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
%
I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men.
		-- George Eliot
%
I'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life,
like pigeons and Catholics.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
		-- Mae West
%
I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men.  They're not
like other men.  Their spirit is great and stimulating.  They hate strife;
indeed they reject it.  Their inventive gifts are boundless.  They demand
devotion and obedience.  And a sense of humor.  I happily gave all of this.
I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
		-- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
%
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
%
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
		-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
%
If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
		-- Frances Rodman
%
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
only two went back to women.
		-- Mort Sahl
%
If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
Twice, it's much too much.  Three times, it's the story of your life.
%
If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
can't afford divorce.
		-- Jack Nicholson
%
If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
		-- Gloria Steinham
%
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
		-- Aristotle Onassis
%
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
		-- Anton Chekhov
%
If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
		-- Abigail Van Buren
%
If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
%
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who
cheats on his wife.
		-- Ann Landers
%
If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
%
If you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in front
of my nose.
		-- Lauren Bacall
%
If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
		-- Michelet
%
If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
books.
		-- Alan King
%
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
%
If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
		-- Anton Chekhov
%
In buying horses and taking a wife shut your eyes tight and commend
yourself to God.
%
In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.  This is called Monotony.
%
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
%
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is
still continued.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 
noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
the revelers.  Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
jaded group.  Why don't I take you home?""
	"Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely.  "Where do you live?"
%
Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
%
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
		-- Ralph Emerson
%
Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
would make them better prospects?
%
It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
%
It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
carried me.
		-- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
%
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
next morning it was someone else.
		-- Will Rogers
%
It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
		-- H. Warner Munn
%
	It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will
not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
human beings.
	The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 
duration of the visit but forever.  The worst kind of girl to take home is one
of a different religion:  Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
	Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
to take her home for the holidays.  You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
response to anyone of a different religion.  How to prepare them for the shock?
	Simple.  Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
different race and the same sex.  Tell them you have already invited this
person to meet them.  Give the information a moment to sink in and then 
remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
religion.  They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
		-- Playboy, January, 1983
%
It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take.  This
is untrue.  Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
enough.
		-- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
%
It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
love does not lie in the ear.
		-- Walpole
%
It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
wife in public.  It always makes people think that he beats her when
they're alone.  The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
like a happy married life.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
dessert.  The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork.  She
does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
dessert, why didn't you order one?'  You must understand, she has the
dessert she wants.  The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
		-- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
%
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to
mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
		-- Maimie Van Doren
%
It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
%
It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
since the middle of my marriage.  There was energy, softness, grace and
laughter.  I even took my socks off.  In my circle, that means class.
		-- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
%
It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
road.  Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
and knocked on the front door.  No one responded.  He could feel the water
from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer.  By now he was soaked
to the skin.  Desperately he pounded on the door.  At last the head of a
man appeared out of an upstairs window.
	"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
	"My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
would let me stay here for the night."
	"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
okay with me."
%
It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
		-- Tim Conway
%
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
%
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%
It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
%
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
		-- Mae West
%
It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
	It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
%
	Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
	Her voice was little more than a whisper.
	"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
before I go.  I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles.  And it was I who
forced your mistress to leave the city.  And I am the one who reported 
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
	"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
%
Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
women.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
	at the conception.
		-- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
%
Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
		-- Mae West
%
Keep women you cannot.  Marry them and they come to hate the way you walk
across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you at the end of six
months.
		-- Moore
%
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
%
Lady Nancy Astor:
	"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchill:
	"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
%
Lank: Here we go.  We're about to set a new record.
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank: We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by
      20,000 women.
		-- Lank and Earl
%
Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can
be tolerated only in race horses and women.
		-- Lord Kalvin
%
Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and bossy ...
Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back.
		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
%
Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
		-- Miss November, 1966
%
Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
		-- Valerie Solanas
%
Life Sucks.  Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
certain not to find her.  Drop me a note.  I'll call you, we'll talk and
I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
afford in a feeble attempt to impress you.  Then we'll realize we have
absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
%
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
%
Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one
young woman and another.
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
%
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
		-- Alan McKay
%
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Lonely men seek companionship.  Lonely women sit at home and wait.
They never meet.
%
Lots of girls can be had for a song.  Unfortunately, it often turns out to
be the wedding march.
%
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
with the ideal never goes unpunished.
		-- Goethe
%
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
		-- Dr. Karl Bowman
%
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
		-- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
%
Macho does not prove mucho.
		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%
Man and wife make one fool.
%
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
not have chosen a suit by it.
		-- Maurice Chevalier
%
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
whole girl.
		-- Stephen Leacock
%
Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
%
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it.
%
Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
%
Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
insincerity possible between two human beings.
		-- Vicki Baum
%
Marriage causes dating problems.
%
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
%
Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
		-- Mae West
%
Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
		-- James Garner
%
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
%
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
		-- Roger Price
%
Marriage is an institution in which two undertake to become one, and one
undertakes to become nothing.
%
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
in the brewery.
		-- George Jean Nathan
%
Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
%
Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
chopsticks.  It looks easy until you try it.
%
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
		-- Baskins
%
Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
		-- Calvin Trillin
%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
		-- Voltaire
%
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would
have preferred.
%
Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
%
Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
		-- Edmond About
%
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
		-- John Lyly
%
Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
%
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
%
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
%
Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
		-- Marilyn Monroe
%
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
		-- Jayne Mansfield
%
Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.  They're attracted by what I
don't mind...
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later;
for another thing they die earlier.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs.
		-- E.W. Howe
%
Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
%
Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
%
Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
		-- DeSegur
%
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
%
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
%
Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them.
		-- Joseph Addison
%
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women's magazines
also often feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because the female
body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
should not be seen by the light of day.
		-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
%
Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
%
Moe:	Wanna play poker tonight?
Joe:	I can't. It's the kids' night out.
Moe:	So?
Joe:	I gotta stay home with the nurse.
%
Moe:	What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
Joe:	The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
%
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
things we have.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
		-- H.H. Munro
%
... most of us learned about love the hard way.  Even warnings are probably
useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
which some of them never recovered during their entire lives.  And I am not
speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
of every age in every city in every year.  The notorious sexual revolution
has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
		-- Alix Kates Shulman
%
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him,
like a bank note, for two twenties.
%
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
		-- Linda Festa
%
Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
%
Never eat at a place called Mom's.  Never play cards with a man named Doc.
And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
		-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
%
Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.
		-- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
%
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
		-- Nelson Algren
%
Never tell.  Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
in on you, deny it.  Yeah.  Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
tellin' ya.  This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'.  I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age,
and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
%
No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
		-- Landor
%
No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
interest in hair restorers.
	-- Austin O'Malley
%
No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
		-- Arthur Binstead
%
No one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep.
		-- Hugo
%
No self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn't
want to make some alterations.
		-- Kim Hubbard
%
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
		-- Margaret H. Sanger
%
No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
him than he deserves.
		-- Edgar Watson Howe
%
Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
And then it's too late.
%
Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
the capitalist mode of production.
		-- Herbert Marcuse
%
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
		-- Plato
%
Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
husband and wife.
%
Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.
		-- Vanbrugh
%
	Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 
through the woods.  All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her.  "Maiden," croaked the
frog, "would you do me a favor?  This will be hard for you to believe, but
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
	"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl.  "I'll do anything I can to
help you break such a spell."
	"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
the night under her pillow."
	The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
pillow that night when she retired.  When she awoke the next morning, sure
enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
royal blood.  And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
her father and mother still don't believe her story.
%
	Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
in a certain kingdom.  And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
who was of marriageable age.  Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
win her hand.  The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross.  As they coped with
each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page.  He was
not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
in short, a complete flop.  When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
treasure.  The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
thought of this and were unprepared.  The youngest, however, had the
answer:  Promise her anything, but give her our page.
%
	One evening he spoke.  Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
he allowed his soul to be heard.  "My darling, anything you wish, anything
I am, anything I can ever be...  That's what I want to offer you -- not the
things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
them.  That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- so
that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for you."
	The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
Kelly?"
	He got up.  He said nothing and walked out of the house.  He never
saw that girl again.  Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
		-- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
%
One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
%
One is not born a woman, one becomes one.
		-- Simone de Beauvoir
%
One man's folly is another man's wife.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
%
	People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
persuasion.
	"Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
swift smack.  We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank.  It is troubling
enough to get straight who is really what.  Those who deliberately misuse
the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
	A woman is any grown-up female person.  A girl is the un-grown-up
version.  If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall.  However, if you
call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
%
Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
%
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Sally:	C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
	with me.
Ted:	ALL?  Do you realize what you're asking?  Men aren't trained
	to share.  We're trained to protect ourselves by not
	letting anyone too close.  Good grief, if I go around
	sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
Sally:	It's called "trust," Ted.
Ted:	"Sharing"?  "Trust"?  You're really asking me to sail into
	uncharted waters here.
		-- Sally Forth
%
Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about
what attracts mosquitoes.
		-- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
		"What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
%
She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking good.
		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
%
She been married so many times she got rice marks all over her face.
		-- Tom Waits
%
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyed
herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left.  Excited a few men
in the meantime.
		-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
		   involvement in "The Avengers".
%
She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad.
%
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle ...
%
She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting
into words.
%
She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
%
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
		-- Mae West
%
So many beautiful women and so little time.
		-- John Barrymore
%
So many men; so little time.
%
So many women; so little nerve.
%
So many women; so little time!
%
	"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
	"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
	"Friday, then?"
	"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
		-- Dating in Minnesota
%
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
%
Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
%
Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places!
		-- Mae West
%
Some men are so interested in their wives' continued happiness that they
hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
%
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
		-- Maureen Murphy
%
Some men feel that the only thing they owe the woman who marries them
is a grudge.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%
Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it's all I can do
to keep from telling her.
		-- Andy Capp
%
Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
%
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
		-- Kipling
%
Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
		-- Paul Leautaud, "Propos d'un jour"
%
The anger of a woman is the greatest evil with which you can threaten your
enemies.
		-- Bonnard
%
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows
that the average man can see much better than he can think.
		-- Ladies' Home Journal
%
The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
disdain; he is anything but her ideal.  In consequence, she cannot help
feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
their father.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
The best man for the job is often a woman.
%
The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected company arrives,
all you have to do is straighten your tie.
%
The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females.  Why do they tolerate
this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
hungry all the time?
%
The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
sometimes three.
		-- Alexandre Dumas
%
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a 
tedious book.
%
	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
but not much good in a fight."
%
The difference between legal separation and divorce is that legal
separation gives the man time to hide his money.
%
The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
of the woman.
		-- Honor'e DeBalzac
%
The eternal feminine draws us upward.
		-- Goethe
%
The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
%
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
%
The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
remember her first husband.
%
The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
%
The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
		-- Sophia Loren
%
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him
love and he invented marriage.
%
The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
		-- J.K. Galbraith 
%
The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased
to love.
		-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
%
The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighs
and begin to stifle our yawns.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
		-- Bill Lawrence
%
The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that
what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
		-- Leo J. Burke
%
The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
She loves it -- and that's all.  It is thus that we should love.
		-- DeGourmont
%
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin.
		-- Honor'e DeBalzac
%
The man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well
everything.
		-- Yeats
%
The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
%
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
%
The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
		-- American proverb
%
The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
%
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
of a deaf man to a blind woman.
		-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
is that one of them be good at taking orders.
		-- Linda Festa
%
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
		-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
%
The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted children.
		-- Paul Ehrlich
%
The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
for getting acquainted.
		-- Heywood Broun
%
The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
		-- Colette
%
The perfect man is the true partner.  Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
quality of joy.
		-- Erica Jong
%
The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
%
The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why
some people feel there is no God.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
take it too seriously.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft voice, sweet speech,
wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
		-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
%
The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
%
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
-- and then marry him.
		-- Cher
%
The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
%
The two things that can get you into trouble quicker than anything else
are fast women and slow horses.
%
The way to fight a woman is with your hat.  Grab it and run.
%
The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
		-- Balzac
%
There are a few things that never go out of style, and a feminine woman
is one of them.
		-- Ralston
%
There are four stages to a marriage.  First there's the affair, then there's
the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
cannot know a woman, the divorce.
		-- Norman Mailer
%
There are three things I have always loved and never understood --
art, music, and women.
%
There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them,
or turn them into literature.
		-- Stephen Stills
%
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
marriage and after marriage.
%
There goes the good time that was had by all.
		-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
%
There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
%
There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only the ones who do
not know how to make themselves attractive.
		-- Christian Dior
%
There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us for another,
and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
		-- Augier
%
There is only one way to console a widow.  But remember the risk.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes.
%
There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate
his wife.
		-- Clare Booth Luce
%
There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
%
There's one consolation about matrimony.  When you look around you can
always see somebody who did worse.
		-- Warren H. Goldsmith
%
There's one fool at least in every married couple.
%
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
		-- Clint Eastwood
%
There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
		-- Richard Le Gallienne
%
This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
bags!  I just won the California lottery!"
	"Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
	"I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
of the house by dinner!"
%
'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who should demand
more from her?  You don't want a rose to sing.
		-- Thackeray
%
To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
than a man would have to be.  Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
%
To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
		-- Golda Meir
%
To err is human -- but it feels divine.
		-- Mae West
%
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
		-- St. Augustine
%
To our sweethearts and wives.  May they never meet.
		-- 19th century toast
%
Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering
squad and another paycheck.  When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.
%
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
		-- Mae West
%
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your
own name.
		-- Joan Rivers
%
Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of
marriage make her something like a public building.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
I forget the second.
%
Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
		-- Richard Armour
%
Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
Tom:	 I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
		-- Tom Chapin
%
Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
ceremony has been performed.  Primarily women wish attention and affection.
Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative.  Really,
it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them.  It leaves one open
to a rival.  Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals.  Lovers, never.
		-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
%
We were happily married for eight months.  Unfortunately, we were married
for four and a half years.
		-- Nick Faldo
%
We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
%
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
		-- John Heywood
%
Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
%
Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal rights.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
What a misfortune to be a woman!  And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
understand what a misfortune it is.
		-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
%
What do you give a man who has everything?  Penicillin.
		-- Jerry Lester
%
	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
asked her mother.
	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
%
What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!  A man can be happy with
any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's
transparency.
		-- George Nathan
%
What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.  It's
corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and
magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and,
most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, women were
discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been
remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint
of individual rather than collective effort.
		-- Susan Gordon
%
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good.  Luckily this is not difficult.
		-- Charlotte Whitton
%
When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong
rest room.
%
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattentions of one.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
		-- Sacha Guitry
%
When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
		-- Donnay
%
When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never
tried before.
		-- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
%
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
		-- Charles Merrill Smith
%
When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman.  As to
why he then stopped there are two opinions.  One of them is woman's.
		-- DeGourmont
%
When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
woman.  Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
		-- Robert Schuman
%
When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
		-- Mae West
%
When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
%
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
%
When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, at
her request, moved to a different room.  She told me she didn't think she
had ever seen a Jew before.  My only response was to begin wearing a
small Star of David on a chain around my neck.  I had not become a more
observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of Jew was offensive to
others made me want to let people know who I was and what I believed in.
Similarly, after talking to these young women -- one of whom told me that
she didn't think she had ever met a feminist -- I've taken to identifying
myself as a feminist in the most unlikely of situations.
		-- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
%
When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men,
one excuses women.
		-- Horne Tooke
%
When the candles are out all women are fair.
		-- Plutarch
%
When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
if he could stay the night.  The farmer agreed to put him up.  "I live alone,"
he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
right."
	"Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
the wrong joke."
%
When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
		-- Balzac
%
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
%
When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do
not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac
%
When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
		-- David Pryce-Jones
%
When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
		-- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
%
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?
		-- Rita Rudner
%
Where's the man could ease a heart like a satin gown?
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
%
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.  Why a man
would want *___two* wives is a bigamystery.
%
Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me?
%
Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight?  Is it something I said?
		-- Tom Ryan
%
With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
party.  Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
parties.
	"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said.  "What's
your G.P.A.?"
	Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
the city and forty on the highway."
%
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
		-- Dumas
%
Woman was God's second mistake.
		-- Nietzsche
%
Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
that he might love her.
		-- Henry
%
Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
		-- Cervantes
%
Women are all alike.  When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make 'em
wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage certificates, and
defy you.
		-- Jerrold
%
Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it from charity,
or revenge?
		-- Gustave Vapereau
%
Women are just like men, only different.
%
Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
want to own one.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
		-- Herold
%
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
		-- Stephens
%
Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
		-- Pogo
%
Women can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them
to do it.
%
Women complain about sex more than men.  Their gripes fall into two
categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
		-- Ann Landers
%
Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
		-- Arnould
%
Women give to men the very gold of their lives.  Possibly; but they
invariably want it back in such very small change.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little crying, a little dying
-- and a good deal of lying.
		-- Ansey
%
Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong than men who
reason with the head.
		-- DeLescure
%
Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, but never a man
who misses one.
		-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
%
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods.  They worship us and are
always bothering us to do something for them.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Women want their men to be cops.  They want you to punish them and tell
them what the limits are.  The only thing that women hate worse from a man
than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
		-- Mort Sahl
%
Women waste men's lives and think they have indemnified them by a few
gracious words.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac
%
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
%
Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are
pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because
they are themselves.
		-- Amiel
%
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
		-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
%
Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
as good as any other.
		-- Philippe De Remi
%
Women, when they are not in love, have all the cold blood of an experienced 
attorney.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac
%
Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, always tell him that he is a
lion with a will of iron.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac
%
	"You are *so* lovely."
	"Yes."
	"Yes!  And you take a compliment, too!  I like that in a goddess."
%
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.  You are
avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
You ask what a nice girl will do?  She won't give an inch, but she won't
say no.
		-- Marcus Valerius Martialis
%
You can have a dog as a friend.  You can have whiskey as a friend.  But
if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
your dog.
		-- foolin' around
%
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
%
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- only sooner than she thought you would.
%
You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words
in your sleep to get divorced.
%
You just know when a relationship is about to end.  My girlfriend called me
at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom.  "It's very
simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
%
You know what we can be like:  See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
him having an extramarital affair.  By the time someone says "I'd like you to
meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
		-- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
%
You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your daughter
for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her mother is allowed
to take.
%
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
are now extinct.
		-- M. Somerset Maugham
%
You lived with a man who wore white belts?  Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
		-- Remington Steele
%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%
"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
		-- Swamp Thing
%
	Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
only a few hours each evening and see what happens.  The Waltz, Polka,
Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
to both sexes.  Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
	It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex.  It is the
fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
soul, the body, the sinews and nerves.  Experience and statistics show
beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one.  Even if they reached that
age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
		-- Quote from a 1910 periodical
%
Young men want to be faithful and are not; old men want to be faithless and
cannot.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
%
1 bulls, 3 cows.
%
$3,000,000.
%
40 isn't old.  If you're a tree.
%
	A crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He was going to make a
long-distance caw.
%
A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
	[From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]
		-- Medieval prayer
%
A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
%
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard.  One of the men
gets out and goes into the office.
	"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
	"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
	The man scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
check." 
	Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
acceptable.
	"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
	The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh... I guess I better go
check," he says.
	He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long time," he says,
"we're building a house".
%
A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
		-- K. Brecher
%
	A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend.  He told the operator,
"This is a parson to parson call."
%
A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with.
		-- Tennessee Williams
%
	A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
and her first name by her mother.  By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
was Carmen or Cohen.
%
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
%
Adults die young.
%
African violet:		Such worth is rare
Apple blossom:		Preference
Bachelor's button:	Celibacy
Bay leaf:		I change but in death
Camelia:		Reflected loveliness
Chrysanthemum, red:	I love
Chrysanthemum, white:	Truth
Chrysanthemum, other:	Slighted love
Clover:			Be mine
Crocus:			Abuse not
Daffodil:		Innocence
Forget-me-not:		True love
Fuchsia:		Fast
Gardenia:		Secret, untold love
Honeysuckle:		Bonds of love
Ivy:			Friendship, fidelity, marriage
Jasmine:		Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality
Leaves (dead):		Melancholy
Lilac:			Youthful innocence
Lilly:			Purity, sweetness
Lilly of the valley:	Return of happiness
Magnolia:		Dignity, perseverance
	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
%
Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
%
Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
%
Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
%
Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany.  It excites me to...
acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
%
All phone calls are obscene.
		-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
%
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
		-- Grant Wood
%
Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
%
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
	If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
	across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
%
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
	There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
	would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
%
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
%
An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
		-- Isaac Asimov
%
... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
%
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
%
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
exactly the point of most pressure.
		-- Milt Barber
%
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
%
Are we not men?
%
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
%
Avec!
%
BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
%
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
floor -- especially in the dark.
%
Batteries not included.
%
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
%
BE ALOOF!  (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
%
Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
%
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin
when you get what you want.
%
Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac
%
Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
%
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
%
Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
%
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
%
Blue paint today.
		[Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson.  Ed.]
%
Boy!  Eucalyptus!
%
Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
%
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub.  Bonsai!
%
	"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
	"Tell 'em I lied."
%
But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
%
By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
		-- Charles Spurgeon
%
CF&C stole it, fair and square.
		-- Tim Hahn
%
	Chapter VIII

Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore
Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon
seed, and never heard from again.
%
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
%
Confucius say too much.
		-- Recent Chinese Proverb
%
Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.

He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
Year award.
%
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
%
Custer committed Siouxicide.
%

"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!"
		-- Mom
%
Death to all fanatics!
%
Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
%
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
%
Did I say 2?  I lied.
%
Did it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
%
Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
%
Did you know ...

That no-one ever reads these things?
%
"Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him."
		-- John Barrymore's dying words
%
Dignity is like a flag.  It flaps in a storm.
		-- Roy Mengot
%
Dime is money.
%
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
%
Do not use that foreign word "ideals".  We have that excellent native
word "lies".
		-- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
%
Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
%
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
%
	"Do you believe in intuition?"
	"No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will."
%
Do you have lysdexia?
%
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
%
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
%
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
		-- Anthony
%
Don't guess -- check your security regulations.
%
Don't I know you?
%
Don't let your status become too quo!
%
Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
%
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
%
Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
%
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it.
%
Double!
%
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
%
Dr. Livingston?
Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
%
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
%
Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
%
Drop that pickle!
%
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
		-- The Adventurer
%
Duckies are fun!
%
Ducks?  What ducks??
%
Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
%
	During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.  She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
	In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
She's a women who conks to stupor.
%
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
%
Dyslexics have more fnu.
%
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
%
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
		-- Jeff Berner
%
Editing is a rewording activity.
%
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%
Events are not affected, they develop.
		-- Sri Aurobindo
%
Ever wonder why fire engines are red?

Because newspapers are read too.
Two and Two is four.
Four and four is eight.
Eight and four is twelve.
There are twelve inches in a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ship.
Ships sail the sea.
There are fishes in the sea.
Fishes have fins.
The Finns fought the Russians.
Russians are red.
Fire engines are always rush'n.
Therefore fire engines are red.
%
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
%
Every day it's the same thing -- variety.  I want something different.
%
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
%
Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the
window.
%
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
		-- Beckett
%
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
%
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
%
Everything might be different in the present if only one thing had
been different in the past.
%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%
Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
%
Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
		-- Erwin Tomash
%
Everything you know is wrong!
%
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
		-- Aldous Huxley
%
Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
		-- Sven Italla
%
	"Fantasies are free."
	"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
%
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
%
Fats Loves Madelyn.
%
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%
Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
		-- Adolfo Guzman
%
Flame on!
		-- Johnny Storm
%
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
%
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
%
For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
Force it!!!
If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
%
FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
%
Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
%
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):

		Don't Write On Walls!

		   (and underneath)

		You want I should type?
%
Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:

	Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
%
	"Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course you know
what 'it' means."
	"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the
Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.  The question is, what did the
archbishop find?"
%
From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 
That is the point that must be reached.
		-- F. Kafka
%
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
		-- H.H. Williams
%
General notions are generally wrong.
		-- Lady M.W. Montagu
%
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
%
GIVE UP!!!!
%
Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
%
Gloffing is a state of mine.
%
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
%
Go away, I'm all right.
		-- H.G. Wells' last words.
%
Go climb a gravity well!
%
Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
		-- Wally Shawn
%
God is Dead.
		-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead.
		-- God
Nietzsche is God.
		-- Dead
%
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
%
God isn't dead.  He just doesn't want to get involved.
%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%
God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
%
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
%
Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
%
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
%
Happy feast of the pig!
%
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
		-- Daniel Dennett
%
Have at you!
%
Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
	"Have you lived here all your life?"
	"Oh, twice that long."
%
Have you locked your file cabinet?
%
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
%
"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions."
%
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
%
Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
%
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
%
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy and repetition.
%
HELP!  Man trapped in a human body!
%
HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
		-- E. E. CUMMINGS
%
Here there be tygers.
%
"His eyes were cold.  As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
outside.  Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
%
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
%
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
%
Housework can kill you if done right.
		-- Erma Bombeck
%
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
%
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
%
How come we never talk anymore?
%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%
How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
%
How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
%
How untasteful can you get?
%
Huh?
%
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
		-- Joe E. Lewis
%
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
%
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
%
I can relate to that.
%
I can resist anything but temptation.
%
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
%
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
%
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
		-- Ronald Mabbitt
%
I don't understand you anymore.
%
I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
%
I enjoy the time that we spend together.
%
I exist, therefore I am paid.
%
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
%
I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
%
"I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words."
%
I hate quotations.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
I hate trolls.  Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
		-- Willow
%
I have a terrible headache,  I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
%
I have become me without my consent.
%
I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
%
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
%
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
%
I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just
for a moment.
%
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
%
I know it all.  I just can't remember it all at once.
%
I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
%
I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
%
I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
%
I love treason but hate a traitor.
		-- Gaius Julius Caesar
%
I never did it that way before.
%
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
		-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
%
	[I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
	Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians!  Hide the eggs!" every
time I have pork.  But I digress.  The fact remains that I cannot rationally
deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
%
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
%
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
%
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
%
I smell a wumpus.
%
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
%
I understand why you're confused.  You're thinking too much.
		-- Carole Wallach.
%
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
%
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
%
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
%
I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
%
I will always love the false image I had of you.
%
I will make you shorter by the head.
		-- Elizabeth I
%
I will never lie to you.
%
I will not forget you.
%
I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
%
I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
		-- John Denver

[I saw an eagle fly once.  Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy.  Ed.]
%
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
%
	"I'm dying," he croaked.
	"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
	"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
	"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
	"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
	"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
	"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
	"You snake," she rattled.
	"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
	"Company's coming," she guessed.
	"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
	"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
	"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
	"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
	"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
		-- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
%
I'm glad I was not born before tea.
		-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
%
I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
		-- John Foreman
%
I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
%
I'm not offering myself as an example; every life evolves by its own laws.
%
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
%
I'm not proud.
%
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
%
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
%
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
%
I've Been Moved!
%
I've been there.
%
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
%
Identify your visitor.
%
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
%
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
		-- Paul White
%
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
%
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
%
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
%
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
%
If God is One, what is bad?
		-- Charles Manson
%
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
%
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
		-- Johann van Goethe
%
If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
		-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
%
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
%
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
%
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
%
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
%
If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement?
%
If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
%
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
%
If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
	-- Robert Moses
%
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something
to do with a shortage of flowers.
		-- Doug Larson

	[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
%
If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past
is subject to change in times to come?
%
If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be
fertilizing it.
%
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence
would not be false.
%
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
%
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
		-- Art Hoppe
%
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
%
If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an
oncoming train.
		-- Robert Lowell
%
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
%
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
%
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
		-- John Galsworthy
%
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
%
If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
%
If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
		-- Petersen Nesbit
%
If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna
get your rear kicked.
%
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
		-- Jules de Gaultier
%
Imagine what we can imagine!
		-- Arthur Rubinstein
%
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
%
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
%
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
		-- The Kidner Report
%
In my end is my beginning.
		-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
%
In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
%
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
%
Include me out.
%
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
%
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
%
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
%
Is death legally binding?
%
Isn't air travel wonderful?  Breakfast in London, dinner in New York,
luggage in Brazil.
%
It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
manes of horses.  The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
%
It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas,
and not in circumstances.
		-- Emerson
%
It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?
One in a million, perhaps.
%
It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
%
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
%
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
		-- Leonardo da Vinci
%
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
%
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
		-- Hawkwind
%
It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.
%
It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
%
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
%
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
%
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot."
%
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
		--- James Dent
%
It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
novelty.  Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime.
		-- Thomas Aldrich
%
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like
the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
%
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
%
It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
%
It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
		-- Danny Vermin
%
It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
%
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
%
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth
have both failed.
		-- Kim Hubbard
%
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
%
Join the march to save individuality!
%
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
		-- Irene Peter
%
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
%
Kilroe hic erat!
%
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
%
Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
%
Knocked, you weren't in.
		-- Opportunity
%
Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
		-- Henry N. Camp
%
L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.  
		-- L. Pasteur
%
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
%
Lake Erie died for your sins.
%
Language is a virus from another planet.
	-- William Burroughs
%
Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
%
Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
%
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
%
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
%
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
		-- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
%
Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
		-- Austen Briggs
%
Life -- Love It or Leave It.
%
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
		-- Paul Gauguin
%
Life is both difficult and time consuming.
%
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
%
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
%
Life is like a simile.
%
Life is like an analogy.
%
Life is not for everyone.
%
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
%
Littering is dumb.
		-- Ronald Macdonald
%
Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
		-- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
%
Look out!  Behind you!
%
Look!  Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
%
Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
		-- Stephen Sondheim
%
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
%
Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
%
Love the sea?  I dote upon it -- from the beach.
%
Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
		-- Russell Banks
%
Madness takes its toll.
%
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
%
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
%
Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.
%
Marigold:		Jealousy
Mint:			Virute
Orange blossom:		Your purity equals your loveliness
Orchid:			Beauty, magnificence
Pansy:			Thoughts
Peach blossom:		I am your captive
Petunia:		Your presence soothes me
Poppy:			Sleep
Rose, any color:	Love
Rose, deep red:		Bashful shame
Rose, single, pink:	Simplicity
Rose, thornless, any:	Early attachment
Rose, white:		I am worthy of you
Rose, yellow:		Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
Rosebud, white:		Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
Rosemary:		Remembrance
Sunflower:		Haughtiness
Tulip, red:		Declaration of love
Tulip, yellow:		Hopeless love
Violet, blue:		Faithfulness
Violet, white:		Modesty
Zinnia:			Thoughts of absent friends
	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
%
May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizard
versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
%
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
%
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
%
May your camel be as swift as the wind.
%
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
%
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
%
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
%
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
%
Metermaids eat their young.
%
Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!
%
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
	-- Jean Cocteau
%
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
%
Moebius always does it on the same side.
%
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
%
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
%
Most general statements are false, including this one.
		-- Alexander Dumas
%
Mother Earth is not flat!
%
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
		-- Arnold Bennett
%
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
%
Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
%
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my
life there.
%
My, how you've changed since I've changed.
%
'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
Never odd or even.
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
Madam, I'm Adam.
Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
Sit on Otis.
		-- The Mad Palindromist
%
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
		-- Anonymous
%
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there is not
or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
%
Never volunteer for anything.
		-- Lackland
%
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
%
Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Schiller is killer, and Goethe is moethe.
%
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
		-- William Blake
%
No guts, no glory.
%
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
%
No matter how much you do you never do enough.
%
No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep
awake all day.
		-- Nietzsche
%
No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
%
Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
%
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
		-- M.J. 0'Donnell
%
Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
%
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
		-- Spinoza
%
Nothing can be done in one trip.
		-- Snider
%
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
%
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
		-- Michel de Montaigne
%
Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
		-- Ebner-Eschenbach
%
Nothing lasts forever.
Where do I find nothing?
%
NOTICE:

-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --

(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
%
Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," or "Murder
With Mallets Aforethought."
		-- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%
O imitators, you slavish herd!
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
O.K., fine.
%
Odets, where is thy sting?
		-- George S. Kaufman
%
Oh yeah?  Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
%
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
%
Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
%
Once I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions.
%
Onward through the fog.
%
Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
%
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
%
Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is
lightheartedly.
%
Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
%
Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.  Now ... just try to find out where!
%
Pardon me while I laugh.
%
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
%
Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
%
Phone call for chucky-pooh.
%
Piece of cake!
		-- G.S. Koblas
%
Plastic...  Aluminum...  These are the inheritors of the Universe!
Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
		-- Green Lantern Comics
%
Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
%
Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.
%
Predestination was doomed from the start.
%
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
		-- Niels Bohr
%
Preserve the old, but know the new.
%
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Progress was all right.  Only it went on too long.
		-- James Thurber
%
Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
%
Pyros of the world... IGNITE !!!
%
QED.
%
Quack!
	Quack!! Quack!!
%
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or
help speed the change by breaking them?
%
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
%
Quod erat demonstrandum.
	[Thus it is proven.  For those who wondered WTF QED means.]
%
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
%
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
%
Reality -- what a concept!
		-- Robin Williams
%
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
		-- Hans Liepmann
%
Remember the... the... uhh.....
%
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!
%
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
%
Ring around the collar.
%
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
%
Safety Third.
%
Sailors in ships, sail on!  Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
%
Sank heaven for leetle curls.
%
Santa Claus is watching!
%
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
%
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
%
Save the bales!
%
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
%
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
%
See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
the second one should have seen it.
%
She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring -- they applaud.
%
She's genuinely bogus.
%
	"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
	"Oh, yeah?  What's he look like?"
	"Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
paper boots."
	"What's he wanted for?"
	"Rustling."
%
Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today.  Two freaks
in a van  [Oh no!!  It's the Copyright Police!!]  Her aura-charred body was
laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
of Asinine Flake Entertainers].  Excerpted from some of his more quotable
comments:

	"Truly a woman of the times.  These times, those times..."
	"A Renaissance woman.  Why in 1432..."
	"A man for all seasons.  Really..."

After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
body join her long dead brain.
%
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
%
Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
		-- Thomas Carlyle
%
Silence is the only virtue you have left.
%
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
%
Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
%
Smear the road with a runner!!
%
Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
		-- Kayvan Sylvan
%
Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.  Others are so fast,
they don't notice you.
%
Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented
at all costs.
%
Some people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.
%
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
		-- Evan Davis
%
Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
%
Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
		-- Mister Boffo
%
Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through
satisfaction.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
%
Sometimes, too long is too long.
		-- Joe Crowe
%
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
		-- Carl Sagan
%
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
%
Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say.
%
Sorry.  Nice try.
%
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
%
Stamp out philately.
%
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
%
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
%
Stop me, before I kill again!
%
Support the Girl Scouts!
	(Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
%
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
%
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
		-- Ken Kesey
%
Tempt me with a spoon!
%
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
%
That's odd.  That's very odd.  Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
%
That's what she said.
%
The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
		-- Clifton Fadiman
%
The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
%
The best prophet of the future is the past.
%
The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
		-- Herbert von Fritzlar
%
The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 
and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.  
		-- H.D. Thoreau
%
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
%
The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture.
%
The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
%
The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
		-- Anne Boleyn
%
The fact that it works is immaterial.
		-- L. Ogborn
%
... the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
%
The future isn't what it used to be.  (It never was.)
%
The future lies ahead.
%
The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.
		-- George Meredith
%
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
%
The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and then
disappears.
%
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
%
The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
%
	"The jig's up, Elman."
	"Which jig?"
		-- Jeff Elman
%
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
%
The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
%
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
%
The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
%
The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
%
The most important things, each person must do for himself.
%
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to
cringe.
%
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
		-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
%
The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.
		-- Wittgenstein.
%
The pollution's at that awkward stage.  Too thick to navigate and too
thin to cultivate.
		-- Doug Sneyd
%
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
to erase it.
		-- Glaser and Way
%
The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.
%
The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
%
The sheep died in the wool.
%
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
%
The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
%
The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
	[so say said sentence sextuply...]
%
The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
		-- Judge Harold T. Stone
%
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
		-- Hosea Ballou
%
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
		-- Wavy Gravy
%
The whole world is a scab.  The point is to pick it constructively.
		-- Peter Beard
%
The world really isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage
is so much better.
%
The world wants to be deceived.
		-- Sebastian Brant
%
The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
%
Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible
eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace.
"'Bye for now," she said warmly.
		-- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
%
There are no rules for March.  March is spring, sort of, usually, March
means maybe, but don't bet on it.
%
There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
can't remember.
		-- Italo Svevo
%
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
		-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
%
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
%
There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
		-- Walt Disney
%
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
%
There is always something new out of Africa.
		-- Gaius Plinius Secundus
%
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
%
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
		-- Marie Antoinette
%
There seems no plan because it is all plan.
		-- C.S. Lewis
%
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
any worse.
%
There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
%
They finally got King Midas, I hear.  Gild by association.
%
They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
%
Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
%
Think honk if you're a telepath.
%
Think sideways!
		-- Ed De Bono
%
This is NOT a repeat.
%
This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  And now you know why.
%
This must be morning.  I never could get the hang of mornings.
%
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
		-- Douglas Hofstadter
%
This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
%
This sentence no verb.
%
Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is
irksome and three minutes is a long time.
		-- A.E. Houseman
%
Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little
too early for anything you want to do.
		-- Jean-Paul Sartre
%
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Time will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
%
Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
%
To generalize is to be an idiot.
		-- William Blake
%
To love is good, love being difficult.
%
To see you is to sympathize.
%
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
%
Topologists are just plane folks.
	Pilots are just plane folks.
		Carpenters are just plane folks.
			Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
		Musicians are just playin' folks.
	Whodunit readers are just Spillane folks.
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
%
Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
%
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
a brand new series of three.
%
True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
		-- David Mamet
%
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
%
Use a pun, go to jail.
%
Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
		-- Pericles
%
Wanna buy a duck?
%
Wasting time is an important part of living.
%
We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
%
We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
		-- Carl Sagan
%
We must die because we have known them.
		-- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
%
We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
%
Welcome to the Zoo!
%
Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
%
Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
		-- Joe E. Lewis
%
Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.
		-- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
%
What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
%
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
%
	"What did you do when the ship sank?"
	"I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore."
%
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
%
What excuses stand in your way?  How can you eliminate them?
		-- Roger von Oech
%
What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.
%
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
%
What soon grows old?  Gratitude.
		-- Aristotle
%
	"What time is it?"
	"I don't know, it keeps changing."
%
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
		-- Wittgenstein
%
What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
%
What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
something to occur to you.
		-- Robert Frost
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to AST's.]
%
What!?  Me worry?
		-- Alfred E. Newman
%
What's all this brouhaha?
%
What's so funny?
%
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
		-- The Doctor
%
Whatever became of eternal truth?
%
When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
%
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
%
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
%
When does later become never?
%
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
		-- Gen. C. Abrams
%
When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
%
When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
		-- Billy Sunday
%
When things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse or
just disappear.
%
When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
%
When you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
%
When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
%
When your memory goes, forget it!
%
Where am I?  Who am I?  Am I?  I
%
Where will it all end?  Probably somewhere near where it all began.
%
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
		-- Wittgenstein
%
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
%
Whip it, whip it good!
%
Who are you?
%
Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
		-- Hattie McDaniel
%
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
%
Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
%
Why are you so hard to ignore?
%
Why do seagulls live near the sea?  'Cause if they lived near the bay,
they'd be called baygulls.
%
Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
%
Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
%
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
%
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
Why not go out on a limb?  Isn't that where the fruit is?
%
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
%
Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
		-- Alfieri
%
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
%
Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
%
WRONG!
%
You auto buy now.
%
You can cage a swallow, can't you,
	but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
	finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
		-- The Palindromist
%
You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
%
	"You've got to think about tomorrow!"
	"TOMORROW!  I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
%
Zeus gave Leda the bird.
%
A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?
		-- Paul Harvey
%
A Hen Brooding Kittens
	A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
kittens!  The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past.  The young
felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
%
	A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."
%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
		-- Audobon Society Magazine
%
A New Way of Taking Pills
	A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
		-- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
%
A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
		-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
%
A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
could not be seen.  A little while later the two kings of the jungle
emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
%
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
		-- Steel City News
%
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
bonnet.  Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
%
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
any interest...  but even then the interest items are usually buried deep
around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont.  on ...") page...

The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa.  The
Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the neck.
They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an oriental
woman who seemed to be in control."

Now that's good journalism.  Totally objective; very active and straight
to the point.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after
the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
%
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%
"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
your own."
        	-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words
%
And that's the way it is...
		-- Walter Cronkite
%
Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
%
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
%
Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
		-- Erwin Knoll
%
FLASH!
Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
%
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed.
%
I only know what I read in the papers.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
		-- Aneurin Bevan
%
I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
something of what has been passing in their time.
		-- H. Truman
%
If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
because I can't swim.
		-- Bob Stanfield
%
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 
or famous or both.
%
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
		-- Frank Mankiewicz
%
Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor
two opposing ideas in his mind?
		-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
%
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
the ignorance of the community.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Journalism is literature in a hurry.
		-- Matthew Arnold
%
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
%
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
can't talk for people who can't read.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
My father was a God-fearing man, but he never missed a copy of the
New York Times, either.
		-- E.B. White
%
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
%
			*** NEWSFLASH ***

Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
%
"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper."
		-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
		   taken over by Rupert Murdoch
%
Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.  And of
TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
%
		Once Again From the Top

Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
George Wilson.  Each of these items was erroneous material published
inadvertently.  He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
The Herald regrets the errors."
		-- "The Progressive", March, 1987
%
One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he once had a
publisher shot.
		-- Siegfried Unseld
%
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
press than people who are just funny and smart.
		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
%
Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.
		-- Robert B. Goodman
	[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]
%
	Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
	Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland...  On
the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail"
%
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.

Film at 11:00.
%
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust. 
%
"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The
Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The
National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running
the country ..."
		-- Robert J Woodhead
%
The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
plausible manner and a little literary ability.  The capacity to steal
other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
		-- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
%
The world really isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage
is so much better.
%
	"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
	"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
	"I'll put `maybe.'"
		-- Bloom County
%
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.  Had there been an
actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
%
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
%
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you
would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
%
Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up.
		-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
%
You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
you can always change the channel.
		-- Jim Ignatowski
%
A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
Bastinado is about right.  For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands.
%
A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about
yourself.
%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
%
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
		-- Herbert Prochnow
%
A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
		-- Victor Hugo
%
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
%
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
A friend is a present you give yourself.
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
you about yourself.
		-- Lisa Kirk
%
A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head.  The
green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
indicating two directions at once.  Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
with disapproval and potato chip crumbs.  In the shadow under the green visor
of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress.  Several
of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
properly considered offenses against taste and decency.  Possession of
anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
		-- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
%
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
weight in other people's patience.
		-- John Updike
%
A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
man riding on a camel.  When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
water..."
	"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
with me.  But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
	"Tie?" whispers the man.  "I need *water*."
	"They're only four dollars apiece."
	"I need *water*."
	"Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
	"Please!  I need *water*!", says the man.
	"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
and he heads off into the distance.
	The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
sees a restaurant in the distance.  Summoning the last of his strength he
staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
	"Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
	"I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
%
A man of genius makes no mistakes.
His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
%
	A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
was making a bolt for the door.
%
A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
%
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
%
A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
%
A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
		-- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
%
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
		-- William S. Burroughs
%
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
%
	"A penny for your thoughts?"
	"A dollar for your death."
		-- The Odd Couple
%
A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
%
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
%
A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
%
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
of yours to press against my heart.
		-- Goethe
%
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
		-- George Eliot
%
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
%
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
the real reason.
%
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 
man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
%
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
worth committing.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
	"...A strange enigma is man!"
	"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
	"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes.  "He remarked
that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what
any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says
the statistician."
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
		-- B. Franklin
%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
%
A well-known friend is a treasure.
%
	A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.  After seeing the 
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride.  "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
	"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
	"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
a snake?"
	"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from the wound."
	"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
a rattler?" persisted the woman.
	"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."
%
Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
%
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
%
Adam was but human--this explains it all.  He did not want the apple for the
apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.  The mistake was in
not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
%
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
then at least be aseptic.
%
After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
		-- Jean Giraudoux
%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for
you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything.
Just in case.
%
	After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to
sing, "Some day my prints will come."
%
Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
		-- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
%
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
%
Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
%
Al didn't smile for forty years.  You've got to admire a man like that.
		-- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
%
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
or not.  Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
a beginning and an end.  Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are, in fact,
barely presentable.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
to the future.  Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
		-- Yoda
%
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
%
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson.  "Be
practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table.  Well, Laurie
Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
that have queens as sovereign rulers.  That's probably my best shot.
%
All men have the right to wait in line.
%
All men profess honesty as long as they can.  To believe all men honest
would be folly.  To believe none so is something worse.
		-- John Quincy Adams
%
All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
%
All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
%
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."
		-- Jane Wagner
%
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is
to enjoy it.
%
All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
		-- Susan Sontag
%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
to live beyond its income.
		-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
%
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
		-- Sean O'Casey
%
All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
our lives."
		-- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
%
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
		-- Charlie McCarthy
%
America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island.  When
several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
	"We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
barked.  "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
I've already paid them half of it."
	"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
euphorically.  "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us!  They'll find us!"
%
An evil mind is a great comfort.
%
An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch.  He wears
a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in
incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence:

"The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch parts
or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a timeless
statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who doesn't need to
be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful
than the people who laughed at him in high school.  Because of his acne.
People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now.  Maybe
he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.
Hahahahahahahahaha."
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the
grand fallacy.
		-- Benjamin Stolberg
%
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows
absolutely everything about nothing.
%
An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
		-- Henry Ford
%
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be
devoured.
		-- Konrad Adenauer
%
An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
		-- Albert Camus
%
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
		-- Don Marquis
%
And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
ones.  The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them.  The
little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
them, aren't braced against them.
		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
%
And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez Addams --
he was good for nothing."
		-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
%
And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
%
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed,
the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
clothes!  He is naked!"
		-- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
%
"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
and making yourself like everybody else.  You feel that, don't you?"  said
he, earnestly.
		-- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
%
Anger is momentary madness.
		-- Horace
%
Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
%
Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
		-- Charles McCabe
%
Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
mountain in a fog.  But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
than in bed.  What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
Is there a better way to die?
		-- Charles Lindbergh
%
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
how to lie well.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out of
season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
requires a heroism which is transcendent.
		-- Henry Ward Beecher
%
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
		-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
%
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
%
Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
and in the right way -- that is not easy.
		-- Aristotle
%
"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
thought on every occasion."
                -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
%
Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
%
Apathy Club meeting this Friday.  If you want to come, you're not invited.
%
"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
%
Appearances often are deceiving.
		-- Aesop
%
Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
	or so pencils from marking the cloth?
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
Is Batman your hero?  Superman?  Green Lantern?  The Shadow?
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?

	Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
3-5  -- There is hope for you yet.
6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive?
%
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly
the same opinion.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.

Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"

 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
 3. Some people never look at me.
 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
 5. My sex life is A-okay.
 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
12. I cannot read or write.
13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
16. I am never startled by a fish.
17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
19. People who break the law are wise guys.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
%
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.

Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"

 1. I think beavers work too hard.
 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
 3. God is love.
 4. I like mannish children.
 5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
    full of mice.
12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
16. My eyes are always cold.
17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
19. I am never startled by a fish.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
%
As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them
with much more enthusiasm.
		-- The Cowboy
%
Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
		-- J.J. Gibson
%
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
		-- John Stuart Mill
%
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.  Run
with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened.  Keep
the company of bums and you will become a bum.  Hang around with rich people
and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
		-- Stanley Walker
%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
thumb with a hammer.
		-- Marshall Lumsden
%
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
and it was always snowing.
%
Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
%
Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink
that they may live.
		-- Socrates
%
Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
%
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that
can't bear inspection.
%
Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
		-- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
%
Be incomprehensible.  If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
%
Be independent.  Insult a rich relative today.
%
Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
		-- Pope St. Gregory I
%
Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
%
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
%
Be valiant, but not too venturous.
Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
		-- John Lyly
%
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
		-- Redd Foxx
%
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
		-- Addison H. Hallock
%
Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour.
		-- Psalms 18:12
%
Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
%
Being ugly isn't illegal.  Yet.
%
Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember
and be sad.
		-- Christina Rossetti
%
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
drip under pressure.
%
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
%
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of
murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
their ignorance the hard way."
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
%
BEWARE!  People acting under the influence of human nature.
%
Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
%
Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
%
Blessed are the forgetful:  for they get the better even of their blunders.
		-- Nietzsche
%
Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
to say it.
		-- James Russell Lowell
%
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
		-- W.C. Bennett
%
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
		-- Alexander Pope
%
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
for he shall enjoy living.
		-- W.C. Bennett
%
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving
wordy evidence of the fact.
		-- George Eliot
%
Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
		-- Ralph Lewin
%
Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers.  There is, indeed, no wild beast
more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
brusque, your character.
		-- Jonathan Swift
%
Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
%
But I find the old notions somehow appealing.  Not that I want to go back
to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you what is
proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous to hold
reason higher than body or feeling.  Still there is something true and
profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or theft or
assault violate the doer as well as the done to.  We might even, if we
thought this way, have less crime.  The popular view of crime, as far as
I can deduce it from the movies and television, is that it is a breaking
of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away with that; implicitly,
everyone would like to break the rule, but not everyone is arrogant
enough to imagine they can get away with it.  It therefore becomes very
important for the rule upholders to bring such arrogance down.
		-- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
%
But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
%
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station."
%
But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 
frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?  
		-- M. Proust
%
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
%
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
%
By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.
		-- Confucius
%
Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
%
Can you buy friendship?  You not only can, you must.  It's the
only way to obtain friends.  Everything worthwhile has a price.
		-- Robert J. Ringer
%
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Character is what you are in the dark!
		-- Lord John Whorfin
%
Charlie Brown:	Why was I put on this earth?
Linus:		To make others happy.
Charlie Brown:	Why were others put on this earth?
%
Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- without having asked any
clear question.
%
Class, that's the only thing that counts in life.  Class.
Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
		-- "Bugsy" Siegel
%
Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
leading the parade.
		-- Bill Battie
%
Clones are people two.
%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%
Coming together is a beginning;
	keeping together is progress;
		working together is success.
%
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
		-- Clive James
%
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
Everyone thinks he has enough.
	-- Descartes, 1637
%
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
		-- LaRouchefoucauld
%
Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.
		-- Peter de Vries
%
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
%
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
fall flat on your face.
		-- Dr. L. Binder
%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
%
Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
%
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
%
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
%
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.
%
Convention is the ruler of all.
		-- Pindar
%
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.
%
Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
		-- Goethe
%
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
%
Courage is grace under pressure.
%
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
say it was obvious all along.
		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
%
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
%
Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
%
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
		-- Zeuxis
%
Dare to be naive.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Dave Mack:	"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
Allen Gwinn:	"Yours is."
%
Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
have to eat them.
%
Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
%
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
		-- Bill Musselman
%
Delay is preferable to error.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
		-- Euripides
%
Distance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a
larger picture.
%
Do clones have navels?
%
Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
%
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.  Their tastes
may not be the same.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
%
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.
		-- Donald Kaul
%
Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.  I
believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they think.
There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not think, for every
one who does, and these people hate the thinkers like poison.  Even if some
thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make fun of them for it.  Better to
think about cucumbers even, than not to think at all.
		-- T.H. White
%
Do you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer?
		-- Tobaben
%
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
the time to take the dirt out of them?
%
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%
Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
		-- Joe Cointment
%
Don't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves.
%
Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
%
Don't expect people to keep in step--it's hard enough just staying in line.
%
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
%
Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
%
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Don't remember what you can infer.
		-- Harry Tennant
%
Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
		-- Darryl F. Zanuck
%
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
%
Don't shout for help at night.  You might wake your neighbors.
		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.  I know better.  The things
I worry about don't happen.
		-- Watchman Examiner
%
Don't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud.
%
Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal.
		-- Zaphod Beeblebrox
%
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you.
		-- The Old Farmer's Almanac
%
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good,
you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
		-- Howard Aiken
%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%
Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help you
could agree with each other?
%
Dorothy:	But how can you talk without a brain?
Scarecrow:	Well, I don't know... but some people without brains
		do an awful lot of talking.
		-- The Wizard of Oz
%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
		-- Voltaire
%
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
%
Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is
wide awake.
%
	Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and
looked at himself in the water.
	"Pathetic," he said.  "That's what it is.  Pathetic."
	He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards,
splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side.  Then he
looked at himself again.
	"As I thought," he said, "no better from *____this* side.  But nobody
minds.  Nobody cares.  Pathetic, that's what it is.
		-- A.A. Milne, "Winnie the Pooh," Chapter VI, "In Which Eeyore
		   Has a Birthday and Gets Two Presents"
%
Elevators smell different to midgets.
%
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
%
Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
%
Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
		-- Onasander
%
Etiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste.
%
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
%
Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
		-- Menander
%
Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
		-- Aristophanes
%
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
		-- Will Rogers
%
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
%
	Everthing is farther away than it used to be.  It is even twice as
far to the corner and they have added a hill.  I have given up running for
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
	It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
days.  And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
	There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody
speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
	The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces.  And the
sizes don't run the way they used to.  The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
	Even people are changing.  They are so much younger than they used to
be when I was their age.  On  the other hand people my age are so much older
than I am.
	I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
that she didn't recognize me.
	I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection.  Really now,
they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
		Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
%
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
		-- Frank Moore Colby
%
Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
%
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits
of the world.
		-- Schopenhauer
%
Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
%
Everybody has something to conceal.
		-- Humphrey Bogart
%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
		-- Dykstra
%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
%
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
%
Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
%
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
%
Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
		-- Rudyard Kipling
%
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
%
Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them.
		-- Dirty Harry
%
Everyone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it.
%
Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
%
Evil is that which one believes of others.  It is a sin to believe evil
of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.
		-- Albert Schweitzer
%
	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
%
Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens
to you.
		-- Aldous Huxley
%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
%
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
%
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
%
Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
%
Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
		-- Victor Hugo
%
Fess:	Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
	a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
Rod:	Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure.  But after all, isn't that the
	basic difference between robots and humans?
Fess:	What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
Rod:	No, the ability to get hung up on them.
		-- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
%
Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
		-- Josh Billings
%
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
always old-fashioned.
%
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
		-- Harrison
%
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
		-- R. Clopton
%
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
		-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
%
	"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
	"Whose?"
	"MINE! HA-HA!"
%
For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
		-- Sir Thomas More
%
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
get themselves filed.
		-- Clifton Fadiman
%
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
%
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
	(1) Be content with what you've got.
	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
%
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off."
		-- Johnny Carson
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2

	If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
	you've made happy.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21

	Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
	No, I guess not.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6

	"But, soft!  What light through yonder window breaks?"
	It's nothing, honey.  Go back to sleep.
%
Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women
and competitors.
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
		-- Thomas Jones
%
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
over the other.
		-- Honore DeBalzac
%
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
%
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
%
Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
%
Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
		-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
%
Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, but quickly to their
misfortunes.
		-- Chilo
%
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
%
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
%
Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
%
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
		-- La Rouchefoucauld
%
Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement.
		-- Jim Horning
%
Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
		-- Joseph Alsop
%
Great minds run in great circles.
%
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
%
Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
		-- Maurice Chevalier
%
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
%
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
%
Hate is like acid.  It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as well
as destroy the object on which it is poured.
%
Hate the sin and love the sinner.
		-- Mahatma Gandhi
%
Have no friends not equal to yourself.
		-- Confucius
%
Having no talent is no longer enough.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly
delightful.
		-- Sydney Smith
%
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy
presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever
behaving "normally."
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
		-- John LeCarre 
%
He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.
%
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, once when
it's explained, and once when he understands it.
%
He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
		-- Ring Lardner
%
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
		-- Andrew Lang
%
He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
had fallen to the ground.
		-- The Book of Serenity
%
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
%
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
%
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
%
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
%
He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
%
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
%
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
%
He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
%
He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
%
He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
		-- Sinbad
%
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
		-- M.C. Escher
%
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
%
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
%
Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without getting
on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering her ways;
wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or regularity; dissatisfied
with her servants, without skill to make them better, and whether helping, or
reprimanding, or indulging them, without any power of engaging their respect.
		-- J. Austen
%
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
I grow up.
		-- Peter Drucker
%
Hi!  I'm Larry.  This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
Jimbo.  We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
%
Higgins:	Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
Doolittle:	A little of both, Guv'nor.  Like the rest of us, a
		little of both.
		-- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
%
Hindsight is always 20:20.
		-- Billy Wilder
%
Hindsight is an exact science.
%
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
%
His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
time as bedroom farce.
%
History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
%
History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
%
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
		-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
%
Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is
to a cockatoo.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
Hope is a waking dream.
		-- Aristotle
%
Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
		-- M. Horner
%
How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning,
and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
		-- A. Cooper
%
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
%
How many "coming men" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?
		-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
%
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner ... sulking and nausea.
		-- Tom K. Ryan
%
Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
		-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
%
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 
responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 
immature.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
Humans are communications junkies.  We just can't get enough.
		-- Alan Kay
%
Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
I allow the world to live as it chooses, and I allow myself to live as I
choose.
%
I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
good intellects.  Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
%
I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never any good to oneself.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
%
I always say beauty is only sin deep.
		-- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
%
I am an optimist.  It does not seem too much use being anything else.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
I am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pig-headed fool.
		-- Katharine Whitehorn
%
I am looking for a honest man.
		-- Diogenes the Cynic
%
"I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the
great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
		-- Winston Churchill
%
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.
		-- Biff Barf
%
I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
		-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
%
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write
faster than anybody who can write better.
		-- A.J. Liebling
%
I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
It isn't that I can't toddle.  It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
		-- Albert Anastasia
%
I can't understand it.  I can't even understand the people who can
understand it.
		-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
%
I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.  I'm frightened
of the old ones.
		-- John Cage
%
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
		-- Lillian Hellman
%
I consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime,
or arrested for one.
		-- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
%
I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.  But maybe that's what
sophisticated is -- being tired.
		-- Rita Gain
%
"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
%
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to
tell such LIES!
%
I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted.  Mythology
comes nearest to it of any.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
	"I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
	"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
objected.
	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
that's all."
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know
what his grandson will be.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
%
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
		-- Cash McCall
%
I don't mind arguing with myself.  It's when I lose that it bothers me.
		-- Richard Powers
%
I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
%
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other
hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
%
"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
to the sea and drown yourselves."

"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
you human beings don't."
		-- James Thurber
%
I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
%
I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
%
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
		-- Mae West
%
I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
		-- Beauregard Bugleboy
%
I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
		-- Butch Cassidy
%
I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of other people...
Certainty is just an emotion.
		-- Hal Clement
%
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know
how bad I am.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
there's nothing else to do.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
to sit still in a room.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%
I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience
most of them are trash.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
		-- Edgar Allan Poe
%
I have learned silence from the talkative,
toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
		-- Kahlil Gibran
%
I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
that I have never made one.
		-- James Gordon Bennett
%
I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
of himself.  To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
take one along that worked.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
		-- Schulz
%
	I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
of others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
at present".
	When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
immediately some absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by
observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.
	I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I
proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
happened to be in the right.
		-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
%
"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't
let appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light."
		-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
%
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
%
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
		-- Mickey Cohen
%
I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
		-- Alexandre Dumas, fils
%
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
		-- William F. Buckley
%
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If
they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
crude.  I'm a very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.
These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
aspire to crudeness.
		-- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
%
"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually
made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
		   Points in l'Amour"
%
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
I think I'm schizophrenic.  One half of me's paranoid and the other half's
out to get him.
%
I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
the quest.
		-- Madeleine Gobeil
%
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
my body.  Then I realized who was telling me this.
		-- Emo Phillips
%
I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
%
I will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I can
help it.
		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
%
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
listen to it!
		-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
%
I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
%
I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
%
I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
that good.
		-- Amy Gorin
%
"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
soon ..."
%
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
%
I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
%
I'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
%
I'm successful because I'm lucky.   The harder I work, the luckier I get.
%
I've already told you more than I know.
%
I've found my niche.  If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
this little hole in the bottom ...
		-- John Croll
%
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
%
I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
on the same day.
%
"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
		-- Senator Claghorn
%
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
solitary confinement.
%
If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
		-- Thomas Wolfe
%
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
%
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
%
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the
airport.
		-- George Winters
%
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
%
If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such
a vivid imagination.
%
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
		-- Marvin Kitman
%
If he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinks
he's God.
%
If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
		-- Jerry Muscha
%
If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
		-- Mary Wilson Little
%
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
		-- A. Einstein.
%
If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
		of the Young"
%
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
%
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
%
If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
%
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
%
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
then we are a sorry lot indeed.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine
times out of ten!
%
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
%
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
%
If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
%
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
		-- Reverend Chichester
%
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
		-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
%
If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
%
If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
%
"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
%
If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks.
%
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
		-- Ann Edwards-Duff
%
If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, your honesty is corrupt.
%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then
you clearly don't understand the situation.
%
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing,
your doing was worthless.
		-- Edwim Schrodinger
%
If you continually give you will continually have.
%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%
If you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most of
your problems.
%
If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
		-- Carlyle
%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%
If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you
had done it.
%
If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
%
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
		-- Clarence Day
%
If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
		-- Freeman Dyson
%
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
%
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
%
If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
%
If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for
the computed load?
		-- Christopher Hodder-Williams
%
If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those
around you.
%
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
%
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
boot yourself in the posterior.
		-- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
%
If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
rubbish into it.
		-- William Orton
%
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
		-- Garrison Keillor
%
If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
		-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
%
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
		-- Schmidt
%
If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be
deceiving you very well.
%
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
schizophrenia.
		-- Thomas Szasz
%
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
%
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
		-- Arthur Kasspe
%
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
lack sufficient imagination.
%
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
%
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
%
If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
heartbeats.
%
If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced
in it.  People in disguise speak freely.
%
If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.
%
If you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.
%
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow
morning, sleep late.
		-- Henny Youngman
%
If you're happy, you're successful.
%
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker know the truth of
the matter about which he is to speak?
		-- Plato
%
In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
in matters of taste, swim with the current.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.
%
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
		-- Alan Kay
%
In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing
to us.
		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
%
In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.  So, I may
as well be me.  Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
%
In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one
wants, and the other is getting it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.
		-- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
%
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
%
Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
		-- Bernard Cooke
%
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something
from the floor while you get up.
%
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.
%
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it
now and then.
		-- Richard Armour
%
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
you are an exceptionally good liar.
		-- Jerome K. Jerome
%
It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
%
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 
coming up it.
		-- Henry Allen
%
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
%
It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
		-- George Santayana
%
It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
		-- Aeschylus
%
It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
holds back one who is hastening.  Rather one should befriend the guest who
is there, but speed him when he wishes.
		-- Homer, "The Odyssey"
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to scheduling.]
%
It is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without
your help.
		-- Miss Manners
%
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
%
It is indeed desirable to be well descended, but the glory belongs to
our ancestors.
		-- Plutarch
%
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.
		-- Rene Descartes
%
It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the
management of them.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
		-- Proverbs 19:2
%
It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
		-- Grace Murray Hopper
%
It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
		-- Cervantes
%
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.
%
It is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
		-- Havelock Ellis
%
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
		-- Carl Sandburg
%
It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire,
and it were but to roast their eggs.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
%
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether II win or lose.
		-- Darrin Weinberg
%
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.
%
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
%
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
%
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones slept
better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
%
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
%
It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
%
It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
		-- Crazy Charlie
%
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
%
It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you
did it wrong.
		-- H.W. Longfellow
%
It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
%
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature
and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples.
		-- Charles Dickens
%
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
%
It's amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they'd
make the first approach.
%
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
%
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
		-- Michael Arlen
%
It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, but why do the rats always have to win?
%
It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
		-- Tom Stoppard
%
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
		-- Marty Winch
%
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
%
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being 
right.
%
It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, even if most of them are bad.
%
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
%
It's hard to keep your shirt on when you're getting something off your chest.
%
It's interesting to think that many quite distinguished people have
bodies similar to yours.
%
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
		-- Roger Noe
%
It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will
take full responsibility for you.
%
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
%
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
%
Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't going
to get hit.
		-- Joey
%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
%
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
		-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
%
Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt of all the others, and then
do what's best.
		-- Lovers and Other Strangers
%
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!
%
Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
		-- Michael J. Wagner
%
Keep cool, but don't freeze.
		-- Hellman's Mayonnaise
%
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
%
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
%
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
	By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
times.  In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300.  She set the new record while
driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
Yorkshire.  Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
Last guys don't finish nice.
		-- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
%
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
		-- Victor Borge
%
Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
%
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
		-- James Thurber
%
Let's do it.
		-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
%
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
change his bed.
		-- Charles Baudelaire
%
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
		-- R.V. Winkle
%
Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, humane person would
wantonly inflict on someone else.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.
%
Life is like bein' on a mule team.  Unless you're the lead mule, all the
scenery looks about the same.
%
"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
weren't for other people"
		-- Blore
%
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that.  On the
other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
religions.
		-- Benjamin Spock
%
	Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
into the saloon.  As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'!  Run fer yer lives!"
	Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open.  An enormous man, standing over
eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
rattlesnake for a whip.  Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
	The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar.  He then stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
	"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
	"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted.  "Big Mike's
a-comin'."
%
Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
		-- Charles D'Hericault
%
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
		-- Louise Beal
%
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
%
Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
		-- Bergan Evans
%
Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
		-- Daniel Hudson Burnham
%
Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
		-- Fred Allen
%
Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
%
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
		-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal
that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they
ought to be.
		-- William Hazlitt
%
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
is an enemy.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
%
Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict between
the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
%
Many a family tree needs trimming.
%
Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful
hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
		-- Finley Peter Dunne
%
Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured.  For instance,
the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
read.  [...]  The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute.  They
are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
successively.  The counting is reserved for the fidgets.  These observations
should be confined to persons of middle age.  Children are rarely still,
while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
		-- Francis Galton, 1909
%
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will
recommend that they do what they want to do.
%
Many people are secretly interested in life.
%
Many people feel that if you won't let them make you happy, they'll make you
suffer.
%
Many people feel that they deserve some kind of recognition for all the
bad things they haven't done.
%
Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
%
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
%
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
%
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
%
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
%
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
and tears.  ...  It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
and acts that are contrary to habit...
		-- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
%
Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to
conceal their thoughts.
		-- Voltaire
%
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a
rainy Sunday afternoon.
		-- Susan Ertz
%
Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
%
Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly
at the right moment.
		-- Horace
%
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
%
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
		-- J.K. Galbraith
%
More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
		-- Vauvenargues
%
More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
		-- R.S. Surtees
%
Most of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to
someone else.
%
Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking difficulties
before we get to them.
		-- Dr. Frank Crane
%
Most of your faults are not your fault.
%
Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
%
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
%
Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
than they do.
		-- Turgenev
%
Most people deserve each other.
		-- Shirley
%
Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
%
Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
only by the disinclination of others to listen.  Reserve is an artificial
quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
		-- W.S. Maugham
%
Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
%
Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- a good reason, and
the real reason.
%
Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, at best,
reformed or potential lunatics.
		-- Susan Sontag
%
Most people need some of their problems to help take their mind off
some of the others.
%
Most people prefer certainty to truth.
%
Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
%
Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
talk about after dinner.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
%
My brain is my second favorite organ.
		-- Woody Allen
%
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say.
And then say it with the utmost levity.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly
with my legs.
		-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
%
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
My philosophy is: Don't think.
		-- Charles Manson
%
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Needs are a function of what other people have.
%
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
%
Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
%
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
%
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
%
Never explain.  Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never
believe you anyway.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
		-- Marlo Thomas
%
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
%
Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
%
Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
%
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
%
Never kick a man, unless he's down.
%
Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
%
Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
%
Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
that subject.
		-- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
%
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
%
Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
%
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
%
Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're absolutely sure they'll
never find out the truth.
%
Nezvannyi gost'--khuzhe tatarina.
	[An uninvited guest is worse than the Mongol invasion]
		-- Russian proverb
%
Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
No character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks,
however false.
		-- Alexander Hamilton
%
No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a
nuisance after three days.
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
%
No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable.
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
		-- E.W. Howe
%
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
%
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
%
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
dirty little beast.
		-- W.S. Gilbert
%
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
%
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
%
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
		-- Quintus Ennius
%
No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
one who's giving it.
		-- Hal Chadwick
%
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
%
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
%
No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
		-- Quintus Ennius
%
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
%
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
		-- Kin Hubbard
%
Nobody is one block of harmony.  We are all afraid of something, or feel
limited in something.  We all need somebody to talk to.  It would be good
if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk.  We
shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
		-- Liv Ullman
%
Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
%
Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
		-- Roy Harper
%
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
%
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
Conscience makes egotists of us all.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
		-- Quentin Crisp
%
O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will
never change our minds.
%
Objects are lost only because people look where they are not rather than
where they are.
%
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
%
Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%
Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
Born under one law, to another bound.
		-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
%
"Oh, yes.  The important thing about having lots of things to  remember is
that you've got to go somewhere afterwards where you can remember them, you
see?  You've got to stop.  You haven't really been anywhere until you've got
back home.  I think that's what I mean."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
%
Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
		-- B. Baruch
%
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
		-- Bion
%
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
		-- Trotsky
%
Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
%
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their
inability to set a bad example.
		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
%
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's
listening.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
		-- Helen Keller
%
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
a rivalry of aim.
		-- Henry Brook Adams
%
One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
		-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
%
One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
		-- Gustave Droz
%
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
%
One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
		-- Clifton Fadiman
%
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
%
One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is
the knowledge that one can communicate it.
		-- Joyce Carol Oates
%
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.  He was
reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
time, which obviously worried him, hence the act.  He preferred people to be
puzzled rather than contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
need no answer.
		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron
%
One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
%
One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
because they bite.
		-- Vladimir Il'ich Lenin
%
Only a fool has no doubts.
%
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
		-- Laurence Peter
%
Only fools are quoted.
		-- Anonymous
%
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
to use the editorial "we".
		-- Mark Twain
%
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an
elephant.
%
Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
		-- Hannah Arendt
%
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is
paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
%
Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
%
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
to people you could not have possibly met.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
%
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
%
Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
		-- Immanuel Kant
%
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
%
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
%
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
%
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
%
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
		-- D.J. Hicks
%
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
		-- Eric Hoffer
%
Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
%
Pelorat sighed.
	"I will never understand people."
	"There's nothing to it.  All you have to do is take a close look
at yourself and you will understand everyone else.  How would Seldon have
worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
weren't easy to understand?  You show me someone who can't understand
people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
-- no offense intended."
		-- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
%
People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
attention) have often been likened to snowflakes.  This analogy is meant to
suggest that each is unique -- no two alike.  This is quite patently not the
case.  People ... are simply a dime a dozen.  And, I hasten to add, their
only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
%
People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
%
People don't change; they only become more so.
%
People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
times, four time, five times...
%
People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
People need good lies.  There are too many bad ones.
		-- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the
future.
%
People respond to people who respond.
%
People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
*know* me there!
		-- D.L. Roth
%
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
have been left out on the pleasure.
		-- Russell Baker
%
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
%
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
slept in a room with a single mosquito.
%
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
		-- Abigail Van Buren
%
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
advantage of them.
%
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
what they want that they don't want it.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
%
People who push both buttons should get their wish.
%
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
%
People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have cold baths.
%
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
%
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
%
People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.
%
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
%
Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom.  The first is being a bore.
		-- Cecil Beaton
%
Personifiers of the world, unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
		-- Bernadette Bosky
%
Please don't put a strain on our friendship by asking me to do something
for you.
%
Please don't recommend me to your friends-- it's difficult enough to
cope with you alone.
%
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which
side I'm on.
%
Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking.
		-- Mary Poppins
%
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
%
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their
minds cannot change anything.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
%
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
%
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
"Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.  After what you all have done,
I find being 'inhuman' a compliment."
		-- Spider Robinson, "Callahan's Secret"
%
Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
%
Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
%
... relaxed in the manner of a man who has no need to put up a front of
any kind.
		-- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
%
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
		-- Dave Butler
%
Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
%
Revenge is a meal best served cold.
%
	"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
	"He was going to suck my blood!"
	"Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
if they don't live our way."
...
	"The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
happens to be impossible.  The phrase is hurt somebody else.  We choose,
ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what.  Us who decides.
Nobody else.  My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him?  That's
his decision to be hurt, that's his choice.  What you do about it is your
decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
through his heart.  If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
in whatever way he wants.  It goes on and on, choices, choices."
	"When you look at it that way..."
	"Listen," he said, "it's important.  We are all.  Free.  To do.
Whatever.  We want.  To do."
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
Rincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly.  It was a wide, manic, and
utterly humourless rictus.  It was the sort of grin that is normally
accompanied by small riverside birds wandering in and out, picking scraps
out of the teeth.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Lure of the Wyrm"
%
Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
%
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
		-- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
%
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
%
Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
		-- Mark Harrold
%
Say no, then negotiate.
		-- Helga
%
Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
%
Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful.
%
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
%
"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
%
Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
		-- Graham Greene
%
Serenity through viciousness.
%
Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a
little kinder than is necessary?
		-- J.M. Barrie
%
Shame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race.
		-- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
%
She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it).
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
Short people get rained on last.
%
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
%
Sin boldly.
		-- Martin Luther
%
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
%
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.  All other "sins" are
invented nonsense.  (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.
		-- John Sloan
%
Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
		-- Bob "Mountain" Beck
%
Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
%
So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
		-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
%
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the
town gossip.
%
Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
%
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men
have mediocrity thrust upon them.
		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
%
Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Some of the things that live the longest in peoples' memories never
really happened.
%
Some people around here wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
%
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
%
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
%
Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no
knowledge of them.
%
Some people's mouths work faster than their brains.  They say things they
haven't even thought of yet.
%
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
%
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
%
Something better...

 1 (obvious): Excuse me.  Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover.  She's going to blow.
 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 
	something larger.  Like ... Wyoming.
 4 (personal): Well, here we are.  Just the three of us.
 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen.  Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
	minutes late.
 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you.  Gosh.  To be able to smell your
	own ear.
 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir.  Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
	mind putting that thing away.
 8 (philosophical): You know.  It's not the size of a nose that's important.
	It's what's in it that matters.
 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Sneeze and it's goodbye,
	Seattle.
10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
11 (polite): Ah.  Would you mind not bobbing your head.  The orchestra keeps
	changing tempo.
12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
%
Something better...

13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?
14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
	perch on.
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
	leave.
19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
	coffee ... in Brazil.
24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original.  Most people just have their teeth
	capped.
25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
%
Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
world.
		-- Robert Stone
%
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
else is driving.
		-- David Letterman
%
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
%
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
		-- Dave Millman
%
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
Start the day with a smile.  After that you can be your nasty old self again.
%
Stay together, drag each other down.
%
Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.  Say, do you
have a map to the next joint?
%
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
%
Stupidity is its own reward.
%
Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
%
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
before it is understood.
%
Success is a journey, not a destination.
%
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
%
Success is in the minds of Fools.
		-- William Wrenshaw, 1578
%
Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.
		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
%
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
%
Such a fine first dream!
But they laughed at me; they said
I had made it up.
%
Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
%
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
		-- Donald Kaul
%
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
%
Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
%
Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
%
Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
		-- Jean Cocteau
%
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
hole in his head.
%
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
%
Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he
raises to spout.
%
Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
%
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
		-- Euripides
%
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than
a gallon of vinegar.
		-- B. Franklin
%
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
%
Tell me what to think!!!
%
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting
a falsehood, isn't it?
		-- A. Hope
%
"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
		-- Moliere
%
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
%
That's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks
you're crazy.
		-- Evelyn E. Smith
%
The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level.  I think it is ignorance that
makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre.  For surely
anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
		-- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
%
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
he is already degraded.
		-- George Orwell
%
The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
		-- Albertano of Brescia
%
The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
%
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
the morning feeling just terrible.
		-- Jean Kerr
%
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
		-- Blair
%
The best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts
of kindness and love.
		-- Wordsworth
%
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
drifting side by side to our common doom.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
%
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
%
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
%
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
%
The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.
%
The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
%
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
and humiliating reality.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none
of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."  Don't use
excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.  Cutting his throat
is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
%
The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
thinking everyone is out to get you.  That's normal -- they are.  Paranoia
is thinking that they're conspiring.
		-- J. Kegler
%
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
%
The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
rabbit on the road.  Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
		-- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
%
The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
%
The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly
blurred by... the pollution of the language.
		-- Arne Tiselius
%
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because
it lives in a forest.  Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help.
		-- Laukikanyay.
%
The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
of both parties tactfully interferes.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
is your move.
		-- Frank Crane
%
The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
		-- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
%
The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
answered themselves.
		-- Arthur Binstead
%
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
%
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
%
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of
relatives on the train for home.
%
The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
		-- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
%
... the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
%
The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help.
%
The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
keeps the blood at heat.  Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
of innocence.  To yield to its blandishments is so easy.  The wrong, it seems,
is venial...  Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
adventurous youth.
		-- Benjamin Cardozo
%
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein -- it rejects it.
		-- P. Medawar
%
The human race never solves any of its problems.  It merely outlives them.
		-- David Gerrold
%
The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
		-- Quintus Ennius
%
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
%
The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from
a safe place.
%
The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.
		-- Irving Howe
%
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
		-- Fred Allen
%
The Least Successful Defrosting Device
	The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
	"I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock.  Somehow my lips
got stuck fast."
	While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
was all right.  "Alra?  Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
	"I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
	He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
constant hot breathing brought freedom.  He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
Lips".
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Lord prefers common-looking people.  That is the reason that He makes
so many of them.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the
societies in which they occur.
		-- A.N. Whitehead
%
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
		-- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
%
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
		-- Carl Jung
%
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
%
The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
being who produces the impressions.
		-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
%
The more I know men the more I like my horse.
%
The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
		-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
%
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
%
The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
		-- Alfred De Musset
%
The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
%
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
		-- Lucille S. Harper
%
The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint
has a past and every sinner has a future.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
%
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
%
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any
use to oneself.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
and guilt.
		-- Elvis Costello
%
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
%
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is waiting.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
%
The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible
enough to give none.
%
The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- not just
when you occasionally are that way, but also when you waver, when you
forget yourself, act like less than you are. In time, you become more
like his vision of you -- which is the person you have always wanted to be.
		-- Nancy Friday
%
The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
trying to stop yourself going mad.  You might just as well give in and
save your sanity for later.
%
... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
charity we can only call "inhuman."
		-- R. A. Lafferty
%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
%
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
		-- Elizabeth Taylor
%
The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
thoughts about their neighbours.
		-- F.H. Bradley
%
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This
means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
%
"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
%
The second best policy is dishonesty.
%
The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
%
The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
%
The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
%
The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence.  He
can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
existence recurring eternally.  The second characteristic of such a man is
that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
by the values he wills.
		-- Nietzsche
%
The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have yet to learn
-- only the savage fears what he does not understand.
		-- The Silver Surfer
%
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
		-- Nietzsche
%
The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
%
The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
2. Is it amusing?  3. Does it know its place?
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
the other fellow of a dull one.
		-- Sid Caesar
%
The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
		-- Andre Malraux
%
The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
		-- Nathaniel Howe
%
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
%
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
%
The wise man seeks everything in himself; the ignorant man tries to get
everything from somebody else.
%
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
%
The wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances,
but that he dances at all.
%
The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an
open doorway with an open mind.
		-- E.B. White
%
The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
%
The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
		-- King Lear
%
The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
		-- Bette Midler
%
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
		-- William Butler Yeats
%
The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and
not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could
have materialized -- and never knowing.
		-- David Viscott
%
	Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
sleep...  And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
his real problems.
	The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
	The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
stand to live with.
		-- R. Geis
%
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure
to be thought so.
%
There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
friend.  They may know something that we don't.  They are probably
avoiding a great deal of pain.
%
There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
		-- Eugene Ionesco
%
There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
%
There are no great men, buster.  There are only men.
		-- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
%
There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced
by circumstances to meet.
		-- Admiral William Halsey
%
There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
truth without lying.
		-- Josh Billings
%
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
		-- Woody Allen
%
There comes a time to stop being angry.
		-- A Small Circle of Friends
%
There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote,
at least an alleviation.  If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
	--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
%
There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
There is brutality and there is honesty.  There is no such thing as brutal
honesty.
%
There is no delight the equal of dread.  As long as it is somebody else's.
		--Clive Barker
%
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
%
There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
%
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
%
There is no such thing as inner peace.  There is only nervousness or death.
Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%
There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes
to visit.
%
There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
and that word is blackmail.
		-- Colm Brogan
%
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly
divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not a fence.
%
There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
%
There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
%
There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
%
Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
		-- Machiavelli
%
They also serve who only stand and wait.
		-- John Milton
%
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see
nothing but sea.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
%
"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult to like."
		-- Avon
%
Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
		-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
%
This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.  We have emotional moving vans.
		-- Bruce Feirstein
%
This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's
side.  I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little
else to sustain them.  Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in
a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
%
Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
		-- W.S. Krabill
%
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
		-- George Santayana
%
Those who don't know, talk.  Those who don't talk, know.
%
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
%
To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right.
%
To be great is to be misunderstood.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
To be is to be related.
		-- C.J. Keyser.
%
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
%
To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
%
To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say
"I don't know."
%
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize
the competent.
%
To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient
solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
		-- H. Poincar'e
%
To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
		-- Norman Douglas
%
To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
%
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
%
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
%
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
%
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn
old falsehoods.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
%
To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
%
Too clever is dumb.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
%
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
		-- Henrik Tikkanen
%
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
%
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
%
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
		-- Alan Watts
%
Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag.  Let me, then, straightforwardly
state the thesis I shall now elaborate: Making variations on a theme is
really the crux of creativity.
		-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
%
Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
		-- e.e. cummings
%
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."

Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes
      waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
%
Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on.  But now and then
there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
frying pan.  Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness
to make it when necessary.
		-- Frederick Dunn
%
Virtue is its own punishment.
		-- Denniston

Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
		-- Aneurin Bevan
%
Virtue is not left to stand alone.  He who practices it will have neighbors.
		-- Confucius
%
Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
		-- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
%
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime.
For a first offense, that is.
%
Walk softly and carry a BFG-9000.
%
Walk softly and carry a big stick.
		-- Theodore Roosevelt
%
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
%
We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
%
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
%
We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
		-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
%
We are all born mad.  Some remain so.
		-- Samuel Beckett
%
We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
%
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
		-- A. Schweitzer
%
We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
		-- Ray Bradbury
%
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
		-- Whole Earth Catalog
%
We are each only one drop in a great ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
%
We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in
spite of what we are.
		-- Victor Hugo
%
We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
		-- Jonathon Swift
%
We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and share a
spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft our immortality
and interweave our destinies of water and air, leaving shadows that gather
color of their own, until they outshine the substance that cast them.
%
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the
machinations of the wicked.
%
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
	-- Eric Hoffer
%
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect
their good judgement.
%
We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are
free from great ones.
		-- La Rouchefoucauld
%
We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
forgotten its source.
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
%
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
%
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
%
We read to say that we have read.
%
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
%
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
		-- Thucydides
%
We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
		-- Jean de la Bruyere
%
We thrive on euphemism.  We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative".  In
fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie".  And now, here
are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:

EUPHEMISM			REALITY
-------------------		-------------------------
Excited about life's journey	No concept of reality
Spiritually evolved		Oversensitive
Moody				Manic-depressive
Soulful				Quiet manic-depressive
Poet				Boring manic-depressive
Sultry/Sensual			Easy
Uninhibited			Lacking basic social skills
Unaffected and earthy		Slob and lacking basic social skills
Irreverent			Nasty and lacking basic social skills
Very human			Quasimodo's best friend
Swarthy				Sweaty even when cold or standing still
Spontaneous/Eclectic		Scatterbrained
Flexible			Desperate
Aging child			Self-centered adult
Youthful			Over 40 and trying to deny it
Good sense of humor		Watches a lot of television
%
Well, I'm disenchanted too.  We're all disenchanted.
		-- James Thurber
%
Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
a grin.
		-- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
%
What do I consider a reasonable person to be?  I'd say a reasonable person
is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
that into account when dealing with others.  Implicit in this definition is
the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
%
What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
	What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
repulsion.  You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run.  Conversely,
all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
and they remain permanent influences on your life.
	Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
as familiar wallpaper or instant friend.  The chemical action it entails is
less worth analyzing than enjoying.  At any rate, these six pieces are about
men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
		-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
%
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
is the first law of nature.
		-- Voltaire
%
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think
themselves cleverer than we are.
%
What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way?
		-- H.G. Wells
%
What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no
longer believe you.
		-- Nietzsche
%
What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
		-- John Lubbock
%
What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
your control.  But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control.  If you feel
powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
with as you will.
		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
%
What's the matter with the world?  Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
with every one of us -- and that's "selfishness."
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
What's this stuff about people being "released on their own recognizance"?
Aren't we all out on our own recognizance?
%
What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean.
		-- Christopher Fry
%
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
other people.
		-- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
%
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
%
When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his
mind wonderfully.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
with changing conditions.  When a man you don't like does it, he is a
liar who has broken his promises.
		-- Franklin Adams
%
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
%
When among apes, one must play the ape.
%
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
%
When in doubt, do it.  It's much easier to apologize than to get permission.
		-- Grace Murray Hopper
%
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
%
When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
%
When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.
%
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath
your feet.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
%
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.
%
WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.  Struggle
to become a parrot or something.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
%
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure
that they're not using it.
%
... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
		-- Richard Shelton
%
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
admission to someone else.
%
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
%
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.
%
While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
		-- Dean Rusk
%
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
reassuring to know that it's still there.
%
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
become a monster.  And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
into you.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
%
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
%
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
%
Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
are another's.
		 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
%
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.
		-- Rabelais
%
Will your long-winded speeches never end?
What ails you that you keep on arguing?
		-- Job 16:3
%
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
%
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
try to be a fraud and a half.
		-- Otto von Bismark
%
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
%
Words must be weighed, not counted.
%
Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair -- It gives you something to do,
but it doesn't get you anywhere.
%
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
		-- Anonymous
%
Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin'
things to preserve their respectability.  Thank God I'm not respectable.
		-- Ruthven Campbell Todd
%
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
%
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
%
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
		-- Philip Whalen
%
You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
		-- Sherlock Holmes
%
You are not a fool just because you have done something foolish --
only if the folly of it escapes you.
%
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
%
You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
%
You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
		-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
%
You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
		-- Janis Joplin
%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%
You can't cheat an honest man.  Never give a sucker an even break or
smarten up a chump.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
%
You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
		-- Peter Frampton
%
You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
		-- Ayn Rand
%
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
		-- Booker T. Washington
%
You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
%
You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
		-- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
%
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
enough worrying about what's happening now.
		-- Lauren Bacall
%
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."
		-- Dagwood Bumstead
%
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
%
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
		-- Indira Gandhi
%
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
%
You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on
coming back down.
		-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
%
You don't have to explain something you never said.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 
from your own life.  May it all turn out to your happiness.
		-- Goethe
%
You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
		-- John Viscount Morley
%
You humans are all alike.
%
You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
		-- Dylan Thomas
%
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
		-- Maharbal
%
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
%
You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
		-- Dean Webber
%
You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
		-- Garfield
%
You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge.
		-- Peter Beard
%
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
		-- E.A. Gilliam
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	You wake up face down on the pavement.
(2)	Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
(3)	You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
		out of the city.
(4)	Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
(5)	You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
		remember that you don't have a waterbed.
(6)	Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 
		skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
		Especially if you're a man.
(2)	Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3)	Your income tax check bounces.
(4)	You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
(5)	Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
(6)	You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
		after you bought a waterbed.
(7)	You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
		clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 
		for your spouse.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
		follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
(2)	You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 
		and there aren't any.
(3)	Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
(4)	The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
(5)	You wake up and your braces are locked together.
(6)	Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 
		her own business.
(2)	You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3)	You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4)	You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5)	Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
(6)	Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 
		flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7)	You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
%
You know your apartment is small...
	when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
	you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
	you have to go outside to change your mind.
	you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
%
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
		-- Sydney Harris
%
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him.
		-- Ed Howe
%
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success.
You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white
plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised
as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
		-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
%
You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
to his own concept of the obligations of manhood.  All other loyalties
are merely deputies of that one.
		-- Nero Wolfe
%
You never gain something but that you lose something.
		-- Thoreau
%
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
%
You never go anywhere without your soul.
%
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
		-- William Blake
%
You never learn anything by doing it right.
%
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
know how seldom they do.
		-- Olin Miller.
%
	"You say there are two types of people?"
	"Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't."
	"Wrong.  There are three groups:
		Those who separate people into three groups.
		Those who don't separate people into groups.
		Those who can't decide."
	"Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?"
	"Oh.  Okay, then there are four groups."
	"Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
	"Yeah."
	"So then there's a fifth group, right?"
	"You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds."
%
You see things; and you say "Why?"
But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
		[No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy.  Ed.]
%
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
		-- Joseph Conrad
%
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
%
You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
incest and folk-dancing.
		-- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
%
You shouldn't wallow in self-pity.  But it's OK to put your feet in it
and swish them around a little.
		-- Guindon
%
You want to know why I kept getting promoted?  Because my mouth knows more
than my brain.
	-- W.G.
%
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
		-- Frank Hubbard
%
You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m.
anyway.
		-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
%
You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
		-- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
%
You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different.
		-- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
%
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
		-- Eldridge Cleaver
%
You're never too old to become younger.
		-- Mae West
%
You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
		-- Eugene Ionesco
%
You've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're telling
me just to be myself?
		-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
%
Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business.  For the
experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
them; but in new things, abuseth them.  The errors of young men are the ruin
of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
have been done, or sooner.  Young men, in the conduct and management of
actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
nor turn.  Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
content themselves with a mediocrity of success.  Certainly, it is good to
compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
the defects of both.
		-- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
%
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
		-- George Chapman
%
Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.
		-- Augustus Caesar
%
Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
		...Here's How You Can Tell
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
listed 10 signs to watch for:
    (3) Bizarre sense of humor.  Space aliens who don't understand
	earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
	jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
    (6) Misuses everyday items.  "A space alien may use correction
	fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
    (8) Secretive about personal life-style and home.  "An alien won't
	discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
   (10) Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
	high-tech hardware.  "An alien may experience a mood change when
	a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
		-- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.

	[I thought everybody laughed at company training films.  Ed.]
%
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
from enjoying it.
%
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your
acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
		-- Robert F. Kennedy
%
Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
%
Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
		-- Dorothy Fuldheim
%
	Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
	Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
old only by deserting their ideals.  Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
back to dust.
	Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
	You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
despair.
	So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
you are young.
		-- Samuel Ullman
%
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
	A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey."
	The bartender ignores him.
	"Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!"
	Still ignored.
	"HEY BARMAN!!  GIMME A WHISKEY!!"
	The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
	Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
%
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
%
All intelligent species own cats.
%
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall
be deemed to be a cat.
		-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
%
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
		-- R. Heinlein 
%
	"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
	"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
	"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
	"That was the curious incident."
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
%
Auribus teneo lupum.
	[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
	[Boy, it *sounds* good.  But what does it *mean*?]
%
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
%
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
		-- Garrison Keillor
%
Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull a sled through
the snow.
%
Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
%
Chihuahuas drive me crazy.  I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm.
%
"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
%
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
		-- Sue Murphy
%
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
%
Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
and the rest of us.
%
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
	Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
cats.
	You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
	They're neat.
	They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
about it.
	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?  
	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
%
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
%
Hi!  You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible.  Please
leave your name and message after the beep...
%
I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
		-- August Strindberg
%
I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas.  A Chihuahua isn't a dog.  It's a rat
with a thyroid problem.
%
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
%
If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
We're offering a substantial reward.  He's a sable collie, with three legs,
blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
tail.  He's been recently fixed.  Answers to "Lucky".
%
If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
		-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
		   crazy.
%
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet."
		-- Jay Leno
%
If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions.  You must
make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
will be courteous as well as responsive.  Since you are out of sympathy with
cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital.  But bear in mind that your opinion
of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker.  Try to keep things
straight.
		-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
%
In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
		-- Martin Mull
%
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
%
It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
%
It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
%
Lost: gray and white female cat.  Answers to electric can opener.
%
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
%
PENGUINICITY!!
%
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
%
"Shelter," what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
%
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be
chewed and digested.
		-- Francis Bacon
	[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows.  Ed.]
%
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.  I feel
like I've just got to bite a cat!  I feel like if I don't bite a cat
before sundown, I'll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and
forget about it.  That's what is known as real maturity.
		-- Snoopy
%
Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale.
After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
%
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
%
The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
		-- Kevin Cowherd
%
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
		-- C. Schulz
%
There are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats.
%
There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
%
To err is human,
To purr feline.
		-- Robert Byrne
%
When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attempt
to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
%
When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
%
Who loves me will also love my dog.
		-- John Donne
%
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
42
%
A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are
correct.
		-- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
%
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
%
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
		-- Cervantes
%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
%
	A boy spent years collecting postage stamps.  The girl next door bought
an album too, and started her own collection.  "Dad, she buys everything I've
bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me.  I'm quitting."  Don't,
son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
%
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise
against the wind, not with it.
%
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
%
A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
%
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
%
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
%
A couch is as good as a chair.
%
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
%
A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
%
A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
%
A day without sunshine is like night.
%
A dead man cannot bite.
		-- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
%
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
%
	A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign.  "Free
Chickens.  Our Coop Runneth Over."
%
	A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
her birthday.  An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen.  "My pup," she murmured
sadly, "runneth over."
%
A fool and his money are soon popular.
%
A fool and your money are soon partners.
%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
%
A full belly makes a dull brain.
		-- Ben Franklin

		[and the local candy machine man.  Ed]
%
	A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown.  When asked by her father why she
had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
%
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
%
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
%
A good name lost is seldom regained.  When character is gone,
all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
		-- J. Hawes
%
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
		-- Patton
%
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
		-- Carolyn Wells
%
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
%
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
%
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
%
A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
%
	A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
days old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
%
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
%
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
A king's castle is his home.
%
A lie in time saves nine.
%
A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
trouble.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
		-- Aristotle
%
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
%
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
		-- C.E. Ayres
%
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
		-- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
%
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
%
A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
in the road.
		-- Alexander Smith
%
A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
in no other way.
%
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never quite sure.
%
A man's best friend is his dogma.
%
A man's house is his castle.
		-- Sir Edward Coke
%
A man's house is his hassle.
%
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
%
A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
%
A penny saved has not been spent.
%
A penny saved is ridiculous.
%
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his
mouth.
%
A place for everything and everything in its place.
		-- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to memory management system services.]
%
A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
		-- Stanley Baldwin
%
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques contaminate
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain edible nutriments.
%
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
%
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
%
"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
%
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
%
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
%
A sinking ship gathers no moss.
		-- Donald Kaul
%
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
%
A snake lurks in the grass.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
		-- Proverbs 15:1
%
A soft drink turneth away company.
%
A song in time is worth a dime.
%
A stitch in time saves nine.
%
A violent man will die a violent death.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
A watched clock never boils.
%
A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom
of a well.
%
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a
mountain top.
%
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention.
%
A witty saying proves nothing.
		-- Voltaire
%
A word to the wise is enough.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Above all else -- sky.
%
Above all things, reverence yourself.
%
Absence makes the heart forget.
%
Absence makes the heart go wander.
%
Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
%
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
		-- Sextus Aurelius
%
Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
%
Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it's out of date.)
		-- Stafford Beer
%
Ad astra per aspera.
	[To the stars by aspiration.]
%
Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
	[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
		-- Ovid
%
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
%
After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
		-- Italian proverb
%
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
%
Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
Aim for the moon.  If you miss, you may hit a star.
		-- W. Clement Stone
%
Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
		-- The Mad Dogtender
%
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
		-- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
%
Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
%
All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
%
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
%
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
	carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
	advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
%
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
		-- Kingfish
%
All is fear in love and war.
%
All is well that ends well.
		-- John Heywood
%
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
%
All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
%
All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
%
All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
%
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
%
All's well that ends.
%
An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or
one-and-a-half truths.
		-- Karl Kraus
%
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
%
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
%
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
%
An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
%
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
		-- Michael Korda
%
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
		-- Spanish proverb
%
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
%
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
		-- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
%
Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
		-- Proverbs, 26:5
%
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance, my
grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence."
I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true.
		-- Solomon Short
%
Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
%
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
		-- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
%
Anything is possible on paper.
		-- Ron McAfee
%
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
%
Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently.  Things hitherto
undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
		-- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
%
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
%
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station
rate.
		-- Howard Kandel
%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
%
Avoid cliches like the plague.  They're a dime a dozen.
%
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
		-- Homer
%
Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
%
Beggars should be no choosers.
		-- John Heywood
%
Better dead than mellow.
%
Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
%
Better late than never.
		-- Titus Livius (Livy)
%
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
%
Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
%
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
		-- motto of the Christopher Society
%
Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
		-- Jeff Cooper
%
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
%
Beware of geeks bearing graft.
%
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
		-- Indian proverb
%
Charity begins at home.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
%
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
		-- Blair Houghton
%
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
%
Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell.
%
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
		-- Aesop
%
Do unto others before they undo you.
%
Do, or do not; there is no try.
%
Doing gets it done.
%
Don't get even -- get odd!
%
Don't get mad, get even.
		-- Joseph P. Kennedy

Don't get even, get jewelry.
		-- Anonymous
%
Don't get mad, get interest.
%
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you enjoy it today,
you can do it again tomorrow.
%
Eschew obfuscation.
%
Every path has its puddle.
%
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%
Expedience is the best teacher.
%
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
		-- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
%
Familiarity breeds attempt.
%
Flattery will get you everywhere.
%
Flee at once, all is discovered.
%
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
		-- Alexander Pope
%
Forgive and forget.
		-- Cervantes
%
Fortune and love befriend the bold.
		-- Ovid
%
Fortune favors the lucky.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12

	Those who can, do.  Those who can't, write the instructions.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3

	Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9

	A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
%
Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
%
Genius is pain.
		-- John Lennon
%
Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself.
%
God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as
we speak.
		-- Arab proverb
%
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
%
Happiness is the greatest good.
%
Haste makes waste.
		-- John Heywood
%
Have a nice day!
%
Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
%
Have an adequate day.
%
He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
		-- Scottish proverb.
%
He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
		-- Sinbad
%
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
%
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
%
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
%
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
%
He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world
as he who is ready to die.
		-- Giacomo Leopardi
%
He who hates vices hates mankind.
%
He who hesitates is last.
%
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
%
He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%
He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
%
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
%
He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
%
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
%
He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
%
He who laughs, lasts.
%
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
%
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
		-- Dr. Johnson
%
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
%
Honesty's the best policy.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Honi soit qui mal y pense.
	[Evil to him who evil thinks.]
		-- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III)
%
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
%
How you look depends on where you go.
%
I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
I doubt, therefore I might be.
%
I know on which side my bread is buttered.
		-- John Heywood
%
I think, therefore I am... I think.
%
I'll turn over a new leaf.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
		-- William Blake
%
If anything can go wrong, it will.
%
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
%
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
%
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
%
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
		-- W.E. Hickson
%
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
		-- Leonard Levinson
%
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
If in doubt, mumble.
%
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
%
If it heals good, say it.
%
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
%
If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
%
If there is no wind, row.
		-- Polish proverb
%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%
If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
%
If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
		-- Chinese Proverb
%
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
%
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
%
In charity there is no excess.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
%
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
%
Integrity has no need for rules.
%
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
%
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
%
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
		-- Aeschylus
%
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
		-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
%
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
		-- Andrew W. Mathis
%
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
%
It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
%
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
%
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
%
It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails,
admit it frankly and try another.  But above all, try something.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
		-- Roger Babson
%
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
%
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
		-- Alex Clark
%
It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
%
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
%
It's later than you think.
%
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
%
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
%
Keep on keepin' on.
%
Keep the phase, baby.
%
Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Knowledge is power.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
%
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
%
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
%
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
%
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
%
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
%
Leave no stone unturned.
		-- Euripides
%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%
Let sleeping dogs lie.
		-- Charles Dickens
%
Let your conscience be your guide.
		-- Pope
%
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
"Life is too important to take seriously."
		-- Corky Siegel
%
Life is too short to be taken seriously.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Look before you leap.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Look ere ye leap.
		-- John Heywood
%
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
	to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
	diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
	of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
	of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
	osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
%
Man is the measure of all things.
		-- Protagoras
%
Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
		-- Plotinus
%
Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
%
Many are called, few volunteer.
%
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
%
Many hands make light work.
		-- John Heywood
%
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full mooon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
%
May you live in uninteresting times.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
		-- Julius Caesar
%
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
%
Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
		-- Russell Baker
%
Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
%
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
%
Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
%
Moderation in all things.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
%
Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Mother is the invention of necessity.
%
Mum's the word.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Necessity has no law.
		-- St. Augustine
%
Necessity hath no law.
		-- Oliver Cromwell
%
Necessity is a mother.
%
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
	hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
	congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
	optimal cachinnation.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
	escallation of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
	fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
	remain innocuous.
%
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
%
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
		-- Saint Jerome
%
Never promise more than you can perform.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
%
Nice guys don't finish nice.
%
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
		-- Evan Davis
%
Nice guys finish last.
		-- Leo Durocher
%
Nice guys get sick.
%
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
		-- Aesop
%
No evil can happen to a good man.
		-- Plato
%
No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
		-- Aristotle
%
No good deed goes unpunished.
		-- Clare Booth Luce
%
None love the bearer of bad news.
		-- Sophocles
%
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
%
Nothing endures but change.
		-- Heraclitus
%
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
		-- John Keats
%
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
	[There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]
		-- Seneca
%
Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
%
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
		-- Homer
%
One good turn asketh another.
		-- John Heywood
%
One good turn deserves another.
		-- Gaius Petronius
%
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
%
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
		-- George M. Cohan
%
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
Oppernockity tunes but once.
%
Out of sight is out of mind.
		-- Arthur Clough
%
		-- Owen Meredith
%
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
Pauca sed matura.
	[Few but excellent.]
		-- Gauss
%
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
	[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
	or
	[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
		-- Aelius Donatus
%
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
		-- Don Marquis
%
Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose.
	[The more things change, the more they remain the same.]
		-- Alphonse Karr, "Les Gu^epes"
%
Practice yourself what you preach.
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
		-- John Florio
%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
		-- Russian Proverb
%
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
	[Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]
%
Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
Removing the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily
allow the camel to walk again.
%
Rome was not built in one day.
		-- John Heywood
%
Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
%
Rotten wood cannot be carved.
		-- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
%
-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
	lacteal fluid.
-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
	canine with innovative maneuvers.
-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
	galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit.
%
Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
%
Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Set the cart before the horse.
		-- John Heywood
%
Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
	[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
		-- Henri Estienne
%
Sic transit gloria Monday!
%
Sic transit gloria mundi.
	[So passes away the glory of this world.]
		-- Thomas `a Kempis
%
Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
%
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
		-- One of Lazarus Long's most penetrating insights
%
Small is beautiful.
		-- Schumacher's Dictum
%
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.
%
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.
%
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath ...
%
Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
		-- Thomas Tusser
%
The coast was clear.
		-- Lope de Vega
%
The course of true anything never does run smooth.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
		-- Anaxagoras
%
The early worm gets the bird.
%
The early worm gets the late bird.
%
The ends justify the means.
		-- after Matthew Prior
%
The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
		-- Polish proverb
%
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
		-- Plato
%
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
%
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
%
The man who runs may fight again.
		-- Menander
%
The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant
is forever blessed.
		-- Old Japanese proverb
%
The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
%
The more the merrier.
		-- John Heywood
%
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
%
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
%
The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
		-- Pliny the Elder
%
The only constant is change.
%
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
		-- Phaedrus
%
The only reward of virtue is virtue.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often."
%
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
The reverse side also has a reverse side.  
		-- Japanese proverb
%
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
		-- Bion
%
The superfluous is very necessary.
		-- Voltaire
%
The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
%
The worst is enemy of the bad.
%
-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
	materials, there is conflagration.
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
	optimal cachinnation.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
%
There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
%
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
%
There is no fool to the old fool.
		-- John Heywood
%
There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
%
There is no proverb that is not true.
		-- Cervantes
%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
%
There's no such thing as a free lunch.
		-- Milton Friendman
%
There's no such thing as an original sin.
		-- Elvis Costello
%
There's no time like the pleasant.
%
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
		-- Dwight Eisenhower
%
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%
Things are not always what they seem.
		-- Phaedrus
%
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
%
Thou hast seen nothing yet.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Time and tide wait for no man.
%
Time as he grows old teaches all things.
		-- Aeschylus
%
Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
%
Time goes, you say?
Ah no!
Time stays, *we* go.
		-- Austin Dobson
%
Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
%
To add insult to injury.
		-- Phaedrus
%
To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
%
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,
you're overdoing it a little.
%
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
%
To err is human, to forgive unusual.
%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
To err is human.
To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
%
To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
%
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
		-- MIT Assasination Club
%
To err is humor.
%
To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
		-- B. Duggan
%
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
		-- Arabian proverb
%
Truth can wait; he's used to it.
%
Turn the other cheek.
		-- Jesus Christ
%
Two heads are better than one.
		-- John Heywood
%
Two heads are more numerous than one.
%
Two is company, three is an orgy.
%
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
		-- Kohn
%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
		-- Thomas Szasz
%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
%
Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
		-- Jack Kerouac
%
We are what we are.
%
We are what we pretend to be.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
%
Well begun is half done.
		-- Aristotle
%
What fools these morals be!
%
What fools these mortals be.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
		-- John Lilly
%
What one fool can do, another can.
		-- Ancient Simian Proverb
%
What we wish, that we readily believe.
		-- Demosthenes
%
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
%
What you don't know won't help you much either.
		-- D. Bennett
%
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
When in doubt, follow your heart.
%
When in doubt, use brute force.
		-- Ken Thompson
%
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
%
When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
		-- Turkish proverb
%
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
		-- Lynch
%
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
%
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
like a nail.
%
When the sun shineth, make hay.
		-- John Heywood
%
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
%
When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live
as they live elsewhere.
		-- St. Ambrose
%
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
%
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable,
must be the truth.
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
%
Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance in ignited
carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
%
Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
		-- Goethe
%
While there's life, there's hope.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
%
Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
		-- Bernard Levin
%
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
%
Words are the voice of the heart.
%
Words can never express what words can never express.
%
Words have a longer life than deeds.
		-- Pindar
%
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
		-- John Heywood
%
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
%
You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
%
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
%
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can never fool your Mom.
%
You can fool some of the people some of the time,
and some of the people all of the time,
and that is sufficient.
%
You can get everything in life you want, if you will help enough other
people get what they want.
%
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a
kind word alone.
		-- Al Capone
		[Also attributed to Johnny Carson.  Ed.]
%
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%
You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first.
%
You can never do just one thing.
		-- Hardin
%
You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
%
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
%
You cannot see the wood for the trees.
		-- John Heywood
%
You get what you pay for.
		-- Gabriel Biel
%
You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
		-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
%
Zhizn' prozhit'--ne pole pereiti.
	[Life's a bitch.]
	[Well, okay.  lit., to live through life is not as simple as crossing
	 a field.  Happy now?]
		-- Russian proverb
%
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY!

2nd graffitiist: Why?
%
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
		-- Mahatma Ghandi
%
A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
%
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
%
A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everything
before he destroys it.
%
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
%
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
		-- Bill Vaughan
%
A Difficulty for Every Solution.
		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
%
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
actually look forward to the trip.
		-- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
%
A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%
A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
to take it all away.
		-- Barry Goldwater
%
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
		-- B. Franklin
%
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
man a century.
%
A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
not going to church on Sunday.
		-- Russell Baker
%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
%
A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.
		-- Alexander Hamilton
%
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
%
A penny saved is a penny taxed.
%
A penny saved kills your career in government.
%
A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
govern.  It demands no social reforms.  It does not haggle over expenditures
on armaments and military equipment.  It pays without discussion, it ruins
itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
		-- Anatole France
%
A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
		-- Jean Paul Sartre
%
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
asks you not to kill him.
		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
%
A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
was intended for her preservation.
		-- Colton
%
A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
his neighbour notice it.
		-- Trygve Lie
%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
%
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
		-- Ramsey Clark
%
A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
the vexation of thinking.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
%
A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
		-- Harry S. Truman
%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
		-- O'Henry
%
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
		-- Daniel Webster
%
Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.  He died in Washington, D.C.
%
"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
cost to others, to win advancement."
		-- Norman Thomas
%
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
	-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
	   Ecole Superieure de Guerre
%
Alea iacta est.
	[The die is cast]
		-- Gaius Julius Caesar
%
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
the closest our country has ever been to being even.
	-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
informing, stimulating and ennobling.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
		-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
		   Catiline", by Sallust
%
All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
		-- Chou En Lai
%
All kings is mostly rapscallions.
		--Mark Twain
%
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.
		-- Vic Gold
%
All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.
		-- Jim Fiebig
%
All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
which he was born.
		-- Francois Fenelon
%
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one
dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
%
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
		-- John O'Hara
%
America: born free and taxed to death.
%
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the
benefit of his country.
		-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is
always polite to traffic cops.
%
An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in
small as in great matters.  
		-- W. Churchill
%
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
		-- Simon Cameron

There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians.  When
bought they stay bought.
		-- Bill Moyers
%
Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
%
"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
courtesy detail."
%
And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
%
And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets
tragedy face to face, we have politics.
		-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
		   Ground Cover"
%
Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
%
Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
		-- Pyrrhus
%
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
		-- Aesop
%
	"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
	"None," Anita replied.  "She's having great difficulty finding someone
qualified who is willing to accept the post."
	"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh.  "I'm not good for much, but I
can at least make a decision."
	"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
		-- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
%
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
		-- David Broder
%
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
%
Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
		-- G.J. Danton
%
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
%
Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while the
legislature is in session.
%
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
%
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
		-- Herbert Hoover
%
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
	[It is magnificent, but it is not war]
		-- Pierre Bosquet, witnessing the charge of the Light Brigade
%
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
		-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
%
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
%
Census Taker to Housewife:
Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
%
Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need
more owls."
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
%
Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job
is to enforce the law and fight crime.
		-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
%
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
		-- Alfred E. Newman
%
Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
		-- Johnny Hart
%
Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.
%
Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
		-- Senator Soaper
%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
don't think.
%
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
will get the blame.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%
Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
		-- Jawaharlal Nehru
%
Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
		-- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
%
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
are right more than half of the time.
		-- E. B. White
%
Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
forms that have been tried from time to time.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
the people.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board.
Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
%
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.  Politics is about
surviving until Friday afternoon.
		-- Sir Humphrey Appleby
%
Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
		-- Daniele Vare
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
		-- Wynn Catlin
%
Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
		-- Balfour
%
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
%
Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
		-- Golda Meir
%
Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
%
Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
%
Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
		-- "Brazil"
%
Don't talk to me about naval tradition.  It's nothing but rum, sodomy and
the lash.
	-- Winston Churchill
%
Don't vote -- it only encourages them!
%
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
%
Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
3x4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
%
Each person has the right to take the subway.
%
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day.

	[and getting better!  Soon it'll be down to a penny a day!]
%
Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
%
Every country has the government it deserves.
		-- Joseph De Maistre
%
Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
when they aren't.

	When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
	When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
	When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
	When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
%
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
%
Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
of justice is no virtue.
		-- Barry Goldwater
%
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
		-- George Santayana
%
Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.

Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
was the Empire forged.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
		-- Joe Orton, "Loot"
%
Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
		-- H.S. Thompson
%
First rule of public speaking.
	First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
	then tell 'em;
	then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
%
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
This gives me great hope for the human race.
		-- Harlan Ellison
%
Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws
of nature!
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
		-- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
%
Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
		-- A Yippie Proverb
%
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
%
Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
		-- Camus
%
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
War is peace.
		-- George Orwell
%
Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
%
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
		-- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
%
"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
		-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
		   the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
		   Security Agency.
%
Gentlemen,
	Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship
from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
	We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles,
and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds
me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted
for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
	Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been
a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to
one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain.  This
reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance,
since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise
to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
	This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request
elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I
may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains.
I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as
given below.  I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but
I cannot do both:
	1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
	2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
		-- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
		   London, 1812
%
George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.
		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
		-- Ashley Cooper
%
Give all orders verbally.  Never write anything down that might go into a
"Pearl Harbor File".
%
"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
		-- Napoleon
%
Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys.
	-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to
receive it.
		-- Austin O'Malley
%
Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
		-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
%
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
%
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?  
Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":

	1-800-AUDITME
%
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Don't overdo it.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
		-- John Updike, "Couples"
%
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.
%
Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know
any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
doesn't know much.
		-- Will Rogers
%
	Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
	Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
	The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
	Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
	Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.

	Thank you and good luck.
		-- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
%
Great Moments in History: #3

August 27, 1949:
	A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
	Women's Air Corp.  It was a WAC's Museum.
%
	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
house."
	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
but not in the House."
%
Grub first, then ethics.
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand convicted of
sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
		-- Tobias Smollet
%
Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels?  Then let us
not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
		-- Dr. Who
%
He didn't run for reelection.  "Politics brings you into contact with all
the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
%
He is the best of men who dislikes power.
		-- Mohammed
%
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
%
He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
%
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
%
He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest
benefactor the world has yet known.
		-- Sir Richard Burton
%
He who slings mud generally loses ground.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%
He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
%
Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.  From where the
sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
		-- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
%
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
%
History has much to say on following the proper procedures.  From a history
of the Mexican revolution:
	"Hidalgo was later defeated at Guadalajara.  The rebel army was
captured on its way through the mountains.  All were courtmartialed and
shot, except Hidalgo, because he was a priest.  He was handed over to
the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
army where he was then executed."
%
History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
%
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
		-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
%
History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another...  Truly the imago
state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
		-- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
%
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
exhausted all other alternatives.
		-- Abba Eban
%
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
		-- Charles de Gaulle
%
How is the world ruled, and how do wars start?  Diplomats tell lies to
journalists, and they believe what they read.
		-- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
%
I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
than be one.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice.  To be a man
is to suffer for others.
		-- Cesar Chavez
%
I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
		-- A. Ward
%
I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
		-- Jay Gould
%
I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
run their own business.  I know men that would make my wife a better
husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating."
		-- Boss Tweed
%
I don't like the Dutchman.  He's a crocodile.  He's sneaky.  I don't trust him.
		-- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
		   with Dutch Schultz.

I don't trust Legs.  He's nuts.  He gets excited and starts pulling a
trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
		-- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
		   "Legs" Diamond.
%
I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
streets and frighten the horses.
		-- Victor Hugo
%
I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
		-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
		   just shot.
%
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
		-- Augustus Caesar
%
I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 
the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice
my wife's brother.
		-- Artemus Ward
%
I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism,
he catches it in a very acute form.
		-- Winston Churchill, 1903
%
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
and they never believe me.
		-- Camillo Di Cavour
%
I have gained this by philosophy:
that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.
		-- Aristotle
%
I have never understood this liking for war.  It panders to instincts
already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.
		-- Alan Bennett
%
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote
peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want peace so much
that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them
have it.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I needed the good will of the legislature of four states.  I formed the
legislative bodies with my own money.  I found that it was cheaper that way.
		-- Jay Gould
%
I never deny, I never contradict.  I sometimes forget.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
		   Royal Family
%
I never vote for anyone.  I always vote against.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent them two hammers and a
toilet seat.
		-- Michael McShane
%
I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
the greatest of dangers to be feared.  To preserve our independence, we must
not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.  If we run into such debts, we
must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
in our labor and in our amusements.  If we can prevent the government from
wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
will be happy.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation,
indivisible,
with liberty
and justice for all.
		-- Francis Bellamy, 1892
%
I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
		-- Cicero

Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
		-- Poor Richard
%
I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that the
whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we
can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber.

But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as
this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world
hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash
journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as
nose-picking.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
%
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to
the south.  We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
I steal.
		-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board

Easy.  I own Chicago.  I own Miami.  I own Las Vegas.
		-- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
%
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are
fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country
are fed up with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and
tired of being told that I am!
		-- Monty Python
%
I think the world is run by C students.
		-- Al McGuire
%
I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
		-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
%
I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
		-- Bill Veeck
%
I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
		-- Judge Harold T. Stone
%
I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
		-- Woodrow Wilson
%
I used to be a rebel in my youth.

This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL!  But I learned.
Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
problems.  So I lost interest in politics.  Now when I feel aroused by
a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
I go to my analyst and we work it out.  You have no idea how much better
I feel these days.
		-- J. Feiffer
%
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
endangered species.  It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
bricks and mortar.  But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
the earth.
		Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
%
I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.  A thief is
anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody.  He really
gives some effort to it.  A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum.  He
works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun.  They offered me
two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed.  I
was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line.  But
I wouldn't consider it.  "I'm a thief," I said.  "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
		-- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
%
I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.  I
asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a
robber.
		-- Tiburcio Vasquez
%
I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
		-- Jack Handley
%
I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
our tasks will be solved.
		-- Warren G. Harding
%
I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
with income tax policies.
		-- William F. Buckley
%
I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.
		-- Marcus Procius Cato
%
I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than
reign among the dead.
		-- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
%
I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
whole field to private industry.
		-- Joseph Heller
%
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
		-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
%
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
		-- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
%
I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House.  President Johnson
says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
		-- Bob Hope
%
"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
%
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
		-- Arthur Godfrey
%
"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives."
%
I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
%
If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
will lose that, too.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal
purposes.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster.
		-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
green, baggy skin.
%
If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.
		-- Jerry Dreshfield
%
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital,
it would have been much better.
		-- Karl Marx's Mother
%
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
he should see how bad it is with representation.
%
If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
will take sandwiches.
		-- Lord Boyd-orr

Eats first, morals after.
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
%
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
%
If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
		-- Robert Frost
%
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
and never be our destiny.
		-- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
%
If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them
and elect a new people?
%
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"
		-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
%
If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor
could make!
%
If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like
his necktie.
		-- Attorney General William Saxbe
%
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.  If not voting
could change the system, it would be illegal.
%
If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
%
If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
		-- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
%
If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it,
and involve others in our doom.
		-- Samuel Adams
%
If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
%
If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
		-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
%
"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
have to get a toehold in the public eye."
%
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
will always do it.
		-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
%
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
		-- Graham Summer
%
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
		-- Mr. Interesting
%
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone
directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles
beginning with the word "National."
		-- George Will
%
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
		-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
%
If your hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are
reasonable, at least it's a start.
%
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
		-- Robert Orben

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
		-- Jack Paar
%
Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
		-- Genji
%
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
		-- Jack Paar
%
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
of the risks he takes.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%
In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
%
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
%
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
		-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
%
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; in life the recourse
of the powerless is petty theft.
%
In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
I wasn't a Communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
because I wasn't a Jew.  Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.  Then they came for the
Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  Then they came
for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
		-- Pastor Martin Niemoller
%
In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
The cuckoo-clock.
		-- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
%
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of
assassination.
		-- John Diefenbaker
%
In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
my advice.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
		-- Napoleon
%
In war, truth is the first casualty.
		-- U Thant
%
... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is
not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
		-- Stephen Crane
%
Individualists unite!
%
Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.
		-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
%
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
%
	Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
%
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
invasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
		-- David Letterman
%
Interfere?  Of course we should interfere!  Always do what you're
best at, that's what I say.
		-- Doctor Who
%
It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
		-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
%
It got to the point where I had to get a haircut or both feet firmly
planted in the air.
%
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
%
It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, and weight
yourself down with invisible chains.
%
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
%
It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
attention, the harder the task.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
%
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
		-- Alfred Adler
%
It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
		-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
%
It is impossible to defend perfectly against the attack of those who want
to die.
%
It is like saying that for the cause of peace, God and the Devil will
have a high-level meeting.
		-- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
%
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged
to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the
youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the
man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
or defeat.
		-- Teddy Roosevelt
%
It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
		-- Elizabeth Carpenter
%
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
in all times and situations.  They presented him the words: "And this,
too, shall pass away."
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better
still to be a live lion.  And usually easier.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
one's life and then come round.
		-- Lord Alfred Douglas
%
It seems a little silly now, but this country was founded as a protest
against taxation.
%
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
%
It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces.  One soldier found
a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
		-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
%
"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The
Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies."
		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
%
It was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline.
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
%
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
when you lose yours.
		-- Harry S. Truman
%
	"It's a summons."
	"What's a summons?"
	"It means summon's in trouble."
		-- Rocky and Bullwinkle
%
It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the first
thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to kill somebody.
		-- Dorothy L. Sayers, "Gaudy Night"
%
It's important that people know what you stand for.
It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
%
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
		-- George Burns
%
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which raises
the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
	Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
	"Why me?"  whines the boy.  "Three years ago I carried the flag
when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin.  Why is
it always me, teacher?"
	"Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
explains.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called "Bureaucracy".
Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.
%
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them.
%
Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, meet exciting interesting people,
and kill them.
%
Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner.  The reason
there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
the facts.  Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
not acting from political motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep
sense of respect for the whole truth.
		-- Stephen R. Schwambach
%
Keep your laws off my body!
%
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
%
L'etat c'est moi.
	[I am the state.]
		-- Louis XIV
%
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
%
Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
%
Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
smaller -- and there are many more of them.
		-- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
%
Let no guilty man escape.
		-- U.S. Grant
%
Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
		-- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
%
Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%
Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
	-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
		-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
%
Life is a concentration camp.  You're stuck here and there's no way
out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
the right thing to do.  Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
right thing to do and what is the right way to do it.  That is the problem.
But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
a panacea so alleged.
		-- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
		been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
		the recession?"
%
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
%
Love America -- or give it back.
%
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
		-- Robert Moses
%
Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
		-- P.J. Bailey
%
Man is by nature a political animal.
		-- Aristotle
%
Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
		-- George M. Cohan
%
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
%
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
%
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
Most people want either less corruption or more of a chance to
participate in it.
%
Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
wrong, "Up to a point."
	"Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean?  Capital of Japan?
Yokohama isn't it?"
	"Up to a point, Lord Copper."
	"And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
	"Definitely, Lord Copper."
		-- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
%
My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
of saying, except in a desperate case.  It is like saying "My mother,
drunk or sober."
		-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
%
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully
co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on.
		-- J.F. Kennedy
%
My father was a saint, I'm not.
		-- Indira Gandhi
%
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet
the boat.
%
My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.  ...  We should be
reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
		-- James A. Michener
%
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe?  Everything he
	  says is wrong.
GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
	  will be right.
		-- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
%
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
%
Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
		-- William Pitt, 1783
%
Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
		-- Napoleon
%
Nemo me impune lacessit.
	[No one provokes me with impunity]
		-- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
%
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
%
Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
		-- John Dillinger
%
"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
%
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
as an income tax refund.
		-- F. J. Raymond
%
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
%
No man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple
act of justice.
		-- John Altgeld
%
No matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme
court follows th' iliction returns.
		-- Mr. Dooley
%
No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
the functions he is competent to.  It is by dividing and subdividing these
republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
		-- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
%
No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
intentions.  He had money as well.
		-- Margaret Thatcher
%
Nobody shot me.
		-- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
		who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
		Valentine's Day Massacre.

Only Capone kills like that.
		-- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre

The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
		-- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
%
Nobody takes a bribe.  Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
different.
		-- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
		   O'Brien, instructions to the force.
%
Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
		-- Winston Churchill

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
satisfying as an income tax refund.
		-- F.J. Raymond
%
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
		-- Andrew Young
%
Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant
to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is
so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a
personality.
		-- Soren Kierkegaard
%
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
%
"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 
normal routines, for children and adults alike."
		-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
%
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
		-- Ted Turner
%
O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
	"How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
	"Four."
	"And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- then how many?"
	"Four."
	The word ended in a gasp of pain.
		-- George Orwell
%
Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
		-- Lichty & Wagner
%
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
%
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
what it does.
		-- Will Rogers
%
Once is happenstance,
Twice is coincidence,
Three times is enemy action.
		-- Auric Goldfinger
%
	Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea.  One day,
in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
dolphins live forever!
	Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird.  Carried
away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
steal one of these birds.
	Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
escaping from its cage.  The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
	Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
bird.  He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
car.  Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
%
Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear.  The peasants
were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
to become a Royal Knight.  This required an interview with the bear.  If
the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot.  If not, the bear would
just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw.  However, the family
of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
possession.  And the moral of the story is:
 
The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
hit you.
%
Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
%
One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
%
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
		-- Will Durant
%
One organism, one vote.
%
One planet is all you get.
%
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
%
Only two kinds of witnesses exist.  The first live in a neighborhood where
a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
or even heard a shot.  The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
happens to be accused of the crime.  These have always looked out of their
windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
		-- Sicilian police officer
%
Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
local Army National Guard base.  He recently received a substational cash
award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
home-made, hand-held model.

Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
to the Pentagon free of charge:

	(a) Don't kill anybody.
	(b) Don't build things that do.
	(c) And don't pay other people to kill anybody.

We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
		-- Sojourners
%
Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
We their sons are more worthless than they:
so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Our swords shall play the orators for us.
		-- Christopher Marlowe
%
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
		-- General Omar N. Bradley
%
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
		-- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
		-- Ambrose Bierce

When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
		-- Sen. Roscoe Conkling

Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
		-- Boies Penrose
%
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars.
		-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
%
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.
		-- Otto Von Bismarck
%
People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to
die for.  The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too.
%
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
%
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
		-- Norman Cousins
%
Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
order to get power we would have to become very much like them.  (Lenin's
fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
%
Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political
leaders.
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
%
Pilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
ruthless in punishing little thieves.
		-- Diogenes
%
Poland has gun control.
%
Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
teach children.
		-- W.H. Auden
%
Political speeches are like steer horns.  A point here, a point there,
and a lot of bull inbetween.
		-- Alfred E. Neuman
%
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
%
Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
	-- Nikita Khrushchev
%
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
been, and never will be wrong.
		-- Walter Dwight
%
Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
		-- Oscar Ameringer
%
Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without
greatness.  Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.
		-- Albert Camus
%
Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.  In war,
you can only be killed once.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
week, next month and next year.  And to have the ability afterwards to
explain why it didn't happen.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
		-- Amy Gorin
%
Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
systematic organisation of hatreds.
		-- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
%
Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the
reformers of error.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Populus vult decipi.
	[The people like to be deceived.]
%
Post proelium, praemium.
	[After the battle, the reward.]
%
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
%
Poverty begins at home.
%
Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor
people.
		-- Don Herold
%
Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat.
		-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
%
Power is poison.
%
Power is the finest token of affection.
%
Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
		-- Lord Acton
%
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
		-- Henry Adams
%
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
%
Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
		-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
%
Question authority.
%
QUESTION AUTHORITY.

(Sez who?)
%
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or
help speed the change by breaking them?
%
Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
		-- Jim Samuels
%
"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S.
Army doing it!"
		-- Good Morning VietNam
%
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
	Civilization?
Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.
%
Reunite Gondwondaland!
%
Rev. Jim:	What does an amber light mean?                                 
Bobby:		Slow down.
Rev. Jim:	What...   does...  an...  amber...  light...  mean?
Bobby:		Slow down.
Rev. Jim:	What....     does....     an....     amber....     light....
%
"Rights" is a fictional abstraction.  No one has "Rights", neither machines
nor flesh-and-blood.  Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they
use or do not use.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Rule the Empire through force.
		-- Shogun Tokugawa
%
Sauron is alive in Argentina!
%
Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
%
Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
	[Who guards the Guardians?]
%
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If this is the way Queen
Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
any."
%
Serfs up!
		-- Spartacus
%
Shah, shah!  Ayatollah you so!
%
Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an excess of
stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
		-- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
%
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
when others believe him.
		-- Charles DeGaulle
%
Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
%
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
vices I admire.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
those without might see and hear.  They told a tale which was then altogether
beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
anguish.  Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
for deliverance from chains.
		-- Frederick Douglass
%
So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
of action.  Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
		-- Theodore Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
%
... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
		-- Voltarine de Cleyre
%
So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
		-- Woodie Guthrie
%
	Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
farmers in America."
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
Stamp out organized crime!!  Abolish the IRS.
%
	Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.  Five years later?
Six?  It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
never comes again.  San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
and place to be a part of.  Maybe it meant something.  Maybe not, in the long
run...  There was madness in any direction, at any hour.  If not across the
Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda...  You could
strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
were doing was right, that we were winning...
	And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
need that. Our energy would simply prevail.  There was no point in fighting
-- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
of a high and beautiful wave.  So now, less than five years later, you can go
up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
you can almost ___see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
broke and rolled back.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, when the greatest
warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
%
Support your local police force -- steal!!
%
Support your right to arm bears!!
%
Support your right to bare arms!
		-- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
%
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:

Name
#
%
Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
%
Take your Senator to lunch this week.
%
TANSTAAFL
%
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
		-- Russell Long
%
Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
out of the market.
%
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
%
Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
		-- Napoleon I
%
That government is best which governs least.
		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
%
That's where the money was.
		-- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank

It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
		-- Willie Sutton
%
... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
		-- Bill Murray
%
The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
Declaration not for that, but for future use.
		--  Abraham Lincoln
%
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
%
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any
reward.
		-- John Maynard Keynes
%
The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
		-- Nietzsche
%
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
%
The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got!
%
The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself.
		-- Hilaire Belloc
%
The Crown is full of it!
		-- Nate Harris, 1775
%
The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.  Every class
is unfit to govern.
		-- Lord Acton
%
The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.
		-- F. Dostoyevski
%
The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim
hours between midnight and dawn.  Hangmen and politicians work best when
the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
		-- Russell Baker
%
The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
		-- Gilbert K. Chesterson
%
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
		-- Buckminster Fuller
%
The eyes of taxes are upon you.
%
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
		-- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
%
The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
compassion.
		-- Saul Alinsky
%
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
%
The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms.  That is to
say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
so long as they are Tories.
		-- Christopher Booker
%
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
		-- Abbie Hoffman
%
The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
%
	The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical inner
workings of the U.S. Air Force.
	"$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
	In his head he ran through his standard explanations.  "It's not so,"
he thought.  "It's a deterrent."  Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
Senator.  Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied.  Try
a cup."
	The Senator did.  "Pfffttt!  Tastes like jet fuel!"
	"It's not so," the General thought.  "It's a deterrent."
	Then he remembered something.  "We bought a lot of untested computer
chips," the General answered.  "They got into everything.  Just a little
mix-up.  Nothing serious."
	Then he remembered something else.  It was at the site of the
mysterious B-1 crash.  A strange smell in the fuel lines.  It smelled like
coffee.  Smooth and full bodied...
		-- Another Episode of General's Hospital
%
The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out to be a
bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work and they can't
fire it.
%
The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
%
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
		-- Charles de Gaulle
%
The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
		-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
%
The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to
move an inch from where they stood.
%
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
author's name on the title page.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
%
The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
of functions performed by private citizens.
		-- Alexis de Tocqueville
%
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
		-- Will Rogers
%
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
		-- Churchill
%
The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the
whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting
the most important political institutions. ...  The new style, gradually
gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into manners and customs,
and from it ... goes on to attack laws and constitutions, displaying the
utmost impudence, until it ends by overturning everything.
		-- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
%
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax
tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a real tax question,
such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never pays
a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer
organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
The Least Successful Executions
	History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
The first performed in Sydney in Australia.  In 1803 three attempts were
made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels.  On the first two of these the rope
snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
and everyone else got bored.  Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
punishment, he was reprieved.
	The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
occasion failed to get the trap door open.
	In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment.  He was released in 1917, emigrated
to America and lived until 1933.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Least Successful Police Dogs
	America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
in 1978.  He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
offend the criminal classes.
	His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
and bite them.  I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
	The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
stage further.  "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
raids.  Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
1967.
	While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
fire.  When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
		-- Kin Hubbard
%
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
		-- Woody Allen
%
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.  The
terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.  The
man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.
		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
%
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President.  All he has
to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
		-- Will Rogers

The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
		-- Vice President John Nance Garner
%
The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
		-- Wilhelm Stekel
%
	The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school
graduation.
	Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
recognition of the sanctity of human life."
	According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."  Their
"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But as a "family
farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
	Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."  You
probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
	It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore.  Now it's "chrono-
logically experienced citizens."
	According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
		-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
%
The Moral Majority is neither.
%
The more control, the more that requires control.
%
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
%
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.
%
The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
%
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
		-- David Gerrold
%
The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
		-- Celine
%
The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it is equally
important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences.  Only then can
we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
true distaste.
		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
		   Correct Behavior"
%
The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
		-- Buckminster Fuller
%
The price of greatness is responsibility.
%
The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
they might force their beliefs on us.
		-- Mario Cuomo
%
The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO"
represents the secondary theme:

	Law Enforcement Officials

The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:

	Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
		-- M. Gallaher
%
The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
requires intent.
%
The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty for
incompetence.
%
The public demands certainties;  it must be told definitely and a bit
raucously that this is true and that is false.  But there are no certainties.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
%
The public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble.
		-- Thomas Carlyle
%
The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
		-- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
%
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is it
about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that
you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?
		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
The revolution will not be televised.
%
"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
and to his imagination for his facts."
		-- Sheridan
%
The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
The scum also rises.
		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
%
The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations
of the victors.  History is written by the survivors.
		-- Max Lerner
%
The time for action is past!  Now is the time for senseless bickering.
%
The time was the 19th of May, 1780.  The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
Judgement Day.  For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session.  And, as some of
the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet.  He silenced
them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
it is not.  If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment.  If it is, I
choose to be found doing my duty.  I wish therefore that candles may be
brought."
		-- Alistair Cooke
%
The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
all of the people all of the time.
		-- Franklin Adams
%
The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic.  It showed that
two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
		-- I.F. Stone
%
The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.  It cannot be
ruled by interfering.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.  Instead of
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
facts that needs altering.
		-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
%
"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
it's just a tired feeling:"
%
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
		-- Emo Philips
%
The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great
scholars great men.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
The Worst Bank Robbery
	In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.  They
had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
sheepishly left the building.
	A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.  When they demanded
5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
was a practical joke.
	Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
clutching his ankle.  The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
trapped in the revolving doors again.
%
The Worst Prison Guards
	The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
maximum security prison is 124.  This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
near Lisbon in Portugal.
	During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
of electric cable had disappeared.  A guard explained, "Yes, we were
planning to look for them, but never got around to it."  The warders had
not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
"covered with posters".  Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
prisoners in his block only 13 were present.  He said this was "normal"
because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
the next morning.
	"We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later.  [...]  When they
eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
population was missing.  By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding
induces violence.
		-- Harvey Wheeler
%
There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
		-- The Duke of Wellington
%
There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
		-- shades
%
There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
		-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
%
There but for the grace of God, goes God.
		-- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
%
There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
		-- Ralph Nader
%
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.
		-- Anatole France
%
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
There is Jackson standing like a stone wall.  Let us determine to die,
and we will conquer.  Follow me.
		-- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
%
There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
%
There is no education that is not political.  An apolitical
education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
%
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
There is no security on this earth.  There is only opportunity.
		-- General Douglas MacArthur
%
There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
family.  But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
the way his government is living.  What the government has got to do is
live as cheap as the people.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist --
the taxidermist leaves the hide.
		-- Mortimer Caplan
%
There is only one way to kill capitalism -- by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
		-- Karl Marx
%
There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
		-- James Boswell
%
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
		-- B. Franklin
%
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
		-- Will Rogers
%
There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
armadillos.
		-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
%
They call them "squares" because it's the most complicated shape they can
deal with.
%
"They make a desert and call it peace."
		-- Tacitus (55?-120?)
%
They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
system from within.  I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them.  First
we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.

I'm guided by a signal in the heavens.  I'm guided by this birthmark on
my skin.  I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons.  First we take Manhattan,
then we take Berlin.

I'd really like to live beside you, baby.  I love your body and your spirit
and your clothes.  But you see that line there moving through the station?
I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
	-- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
%
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
		-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
%
They use different words for things in America.
For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
They say drapes and we say curtains.
They say president and we say brain damaged git.
		-- Alexie Sayle
%
They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
		-- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
%
They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
		-- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
%
Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
		-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
%
This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
%
	Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of
legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
	As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it.  I
am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane.  But we
will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
politicians.
	The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can do
for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease.  I don't
have it this morning.  It comes and goes.  This morning I don't have Hunter
Thompson's disease.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
		from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
		Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
%
"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
		-- French Proverb
%
Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
Often have a share in their misfortunes.
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
%
Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
world is love.  The poor know that it is money.
		-- Gerald Brenan
%
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean
without the roar of its many waters.
		-- Frederick Douglass
%
To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
Star.  As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
		-- Confucius
%
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
%
To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of
confidence.
		-- Andrew Young
%
To think contrary to one's era is heroism.  But to speak against it is madness.
		-- Eugene Ionesco
%
To use violence is to already be defeated.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
%
Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
briefcases.
		-- Governor Jerry Brown
%
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
%
Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
		-- Charles DeGaulle
%
True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what
it ought to be.
		-- Virginia Allan
%
Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
in heavy weather for several days.  I was serving on the lead battleship and
was on watch on the bridge as night fell.  The visibility was poor with patchy
fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
	Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
	"Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
	Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
collision course with that ship.
	The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
	Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
	In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
degrees!"
	"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
course 20 degrees."
	By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
battleship, change course 20 degrees."
	Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
	We changed course.
		-- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
%
"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."

(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
		-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
%
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
just man is also a prison.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
ordinance under which you can be booked.
		-- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
%
Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it's just the opposite.
		-- J.K. Galbraith
%
Under every stone lurks a politician.
		-- Aristophanes
%
United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the Christmas
season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
every persuasion.  Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
low over the world.
		-- Isaac Asimov
%
Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20.  The flag is described as red, white
and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
		-- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
%
Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out
twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
		-- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
%
Veni, vidi, vici.
	[I came, I saw, I conquered].
		-- Gaius Julius Caesar
%
Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
at all.  The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
		-- Herodotus
%
Victory uber allies!
%
"Violence accomplishes nothing."  What a contemptible lie!  Raw, naked
violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
ever employed.  Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
%
Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
%
Violence is molding.
%
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
		-- Salvor Hardin
%
Vote anarchist.
%
War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
%
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
		-- Charles Edward Montague
%
War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
%
War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
		-- Desiderius Erasmus
%
War is like love, it always finds a way.
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
%
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
		-- Clemenceau
%
War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
%
War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
		-- Anacreon
%
[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for the people -- the big,
the bland and the banal.
		-- Ada Louise Huxtable
%
Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
%
We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean
the same thing.
		-- A. Lincoln
%
We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
%
We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
our children.
%
... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
the past.
		-- Joseph Wood Krutch
%
We should be glad we're living in the time that we are.  If any of us had been
born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
out and shot.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
themselves.
		-- John Locke
%
We should have a Vollyballocracy.  We elect a six-pack of presidents.
Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
		-- Dennis Miller
%
We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
%
We totally deny the allegations, and we're trying to identify the allegators.
%
We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
		-- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
%
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel
a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Well, don't worry about it...  It's nothing.
		-- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
		   Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
		   Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
		   at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
		   per hour, December 7, 1941.
%
Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
		-- Laurie Anderson
%
What a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.
		-- WOP, "War Games"
%
What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life.  First, a
base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done.  Second,
a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
activities must exist.  Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
the national attention upon the direction to proceed.  Finally, an articulate
and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
words and action the great thing to be accomplished.  The motivation of young
Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
conditions. ...  The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
Kennedys appear.  We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
		-- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
%
"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we
wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try
anyway, George."
		-- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
%
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
%
What is status?
	Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.

Uh, no...
	Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
	problem with him.

Uh, that still ain't right...
	STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
	and the phone rings.  The President picks it up, listens for a
	minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
%
What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
		-- Bertold Brecht
%
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
%
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
%
What we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
%
What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.
		-- Robert Altman
%
When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public
property.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space travel
is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
		-- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
%
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain
relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
		-- Vine Deloria, Jr.
%
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
		-- Brendan Behan
%
When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
for him.  All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
%
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now
I'm beginning to believe it.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
%
When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men
live content.
		-- Niccolo Machiavelli
%
When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.
		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
When some people decide it's time for everyone to make big changes,
it means that they want you to change first.
%
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
%
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
the problem, not the remedy.
%
When the revolution comes, count your change.
%
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
not hereditary.
		-- Thomas Paine
%
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the
history of war have so few been led by so many.
		-- General James Gavin
%
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
		-- Norm Crosby
%
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
		-- Harry Truman
%
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
		-- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
%
When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong.
%
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
		-- Otto Von Bismarck
%
When you're in command, command.
		-- Admiral Nimitz
%
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
%
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
		-- Rufus Miles, HEW
%
Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have?
%
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
%
Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
pet coon.  This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
pay the fiddler.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
	Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
vain to claim a rebate.  His numerous letters and queries remained
unanswered.  Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived.  In
the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
-- $40,000."
%
	... with liberty and justice for all ... who can afford it.
%
With reasonable men I will reason;
with humane men I will plead;
but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
		-- William Lloyd Garrison
%
Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
%
World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century since
H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil thing on
earth than race prejudice, none at all.  I write deliberately -- it is
the worst single thing in life now.  It justifies and holds together more
baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of error in the world."
		-- Sydney Harris
%
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!
%
	"Wrong," said Renner.
	"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
%
You can have peace.  Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having
both at once.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The
short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which
means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation
expert to distinguish between their first and last names.  Here's the
complete text:

"(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)
(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)
(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to
     send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
     THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
     household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
     you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
     NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice,
bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
		-- Aristophanes
%
You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
and services if it is not specifically exempt.  Report property (goods)
and services at their fair market values.  Examples include income from
bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
gambling, prizes and awards.  Not reporting such income can lead to
prosecution for perjury and fraud.
		-- Excerpt from Taxachussetts income tax forms
%
You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
		-- Henrik Ibsen
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
A:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
A:	To be or not to be.
Q:	What is the square root of 4b^2?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
A:	Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
Q:	What's Dr. Presume's full name?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
A:	Go west, young man, go west!
Q:	What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
%
Knock, knock!
	Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
	Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet Evening...
%
Knucklehead:	"Knock, knock"
Pee Wee:	"Who's there?"
Knucklehead:	"Little ol' lady."
Pee Wee:	"Liddle ol' lady who?"
Knucklehead:	"I didn't know you could yodel"
%
Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
	existentialist?"
A:	"Is there a dog?"
%
Q:	Are we not men?
A:	We are Vaxen.
%
Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:	One per person.
%
Q:	Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
A:	He spent the night in a warehouse.
%
Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.
%
Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
%
Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:	Unique up on it!

Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:	The tame way!
%
Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?
%
Q:	How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
%
Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.
%
Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A:	Throw him a rock.
%
Q:	How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A:	With a blue-elephant gun.

Q:	How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A:	Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
	a blue-elephant gun.
%
Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:	Take away his credit cards.
%
Q:	How does a hacker fix a function which
	doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A:	He changes the domain.
%
Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
	speech, but under the United States constitution they are
	guaranteed freedom after speech.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
	of license fee (binary only).
%
Q:	How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
	done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
%
Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	Five.  One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
		experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
		lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
		those Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q:	How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
%
Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:	How long does it take?
A:	It's indeterminate.
	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:	They replace your generator.
%
Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	The door won't shut.

Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
%
Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
	itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
	reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
	maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
%
Q:	How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
	does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	"I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
	advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
	can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
	credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
%
Q:	How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:	None.  We'll fix it in software.

Q:	How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The application can work around it.

Q:	How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:	None.  We'll document it in the manual.

Q:	How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:	None.  The user can figure it out.
%
Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
%
Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%
Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
%
Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
%
Q:	How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
	light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
	to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
	reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
	the bulb in the first place.
%
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
%
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
	The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
%
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
	you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
%
Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:	I'll have to get back to you on that.
%
Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	One and a half.
%
Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
%
Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
	to the earlier joke.
%
Q:	How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
	light bulb?
A:	Seven.  Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
	the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
	Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
	that he's a doctor, not an electrician).  Scotty, after checking
	around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
	that he "canna" see in the dark.  Kirk will make an emergency stop at
	the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
	from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
	Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
	beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
	killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
	As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
	Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
	warp out of orbit.  Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
	and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
	just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
	given all lightbulbs they can carry.  The new bulb is then inserted
	and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
%
Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
	Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.
%
Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
%
Q:	How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
	with brightly colored machine tools.

	[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]
%
Q:	How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:	One.
%
Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
	of the way.
%
Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A:	2 bits.
%
Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A:	9 edge down.
%
Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project
	and putting wings on an elephant is?
A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
%
Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
A:	Easy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
	bottles into the typewriter.
%
Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:	"The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q:	What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
		sunglasses?
A:	Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
%
Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
%
Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:	The very best person they can possibly be.
%
Q:	What do monsters eat?
A:	Things.

Q:	What do monsters drink?
A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)
%
Q:	What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A:	The impossible dream.
%
Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:	The same middle name.
%
Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:	A dope ring.

Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:	To cover up the valve stem.
%
Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
%
Q:	What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
A:	Trustworthy.
%
Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.
%
Q:	What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A:	Six sick Sikhs (sic).
%
Q:	What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
	is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A:	A deep C diva.
%
Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
	lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A:	A failure.
%
Q:	What do you call the money you pay to the government when
	you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A:	A howdah duty.
%
Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
	sheep bites you?
A:	Ewe nicks.
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A:	An offer you can't understand.
%
Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:	Not enough sand.
%
Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
%
Q:	What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A:	Will the defendant please rise?
%
Q:	What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
A:	A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
	a delicious dessert.
%
Q:	What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
A:	It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
	Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
	the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
%
Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:	Open other end.
%
Q:	What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
A:	A dinner party.
%
Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:	Moby Pickle.
%
Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A:	A ball point carrot.
%
Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A:	Open other end.
%
Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	A boolean grape.
%
Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	An Abelian grape.
%
Q:	What is purple and concord the world?
A:	Alexander the Grape.
%
Q:	What is the difference between a duck?
A:	One leg is both the same.
%
Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A:	Yogurt has culture.
%
Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:	Mu.
%
Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A:	A nervous wreck.
%
Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
	plays like a monkey?
A:	Nothing.
%
Q:	What's a light-year?
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.
%
Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
A:	Dating a Canadian.
%
Q:	What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:	A corpse.
%
Q:	What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A:	Chewing gum.
%
Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:	A doberman.
%
Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax
%
Q:	What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
	lawyer in the road?
A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A:	You can't get down off an elephant.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
A:	About 10 pounds.

Q:	How do you make them the same?
A:	Force feed the elephant.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
%
Q:	What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A:	One less drunk.
%
Q:	What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
%
Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."
%
Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A:	The Titanic had a band.
%
Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A:	A canary with the super-user password.
%
Q:	What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A:	Zorn's Lemon.
%
Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
%
Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.
%
Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.
%
Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A:	Because he was hungry.
%
Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	He was giving it last rites.
%
Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q:	Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A:	To get to the other slide.
%
Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:	To get to the other slide.
%
Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
%
Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A:	Because that was her name.
%
Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:	Because it was on the other side.
%
Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:	To get to the middle.
%
Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out forest fires.

Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
%
Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
%
Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
%
Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
	Oh, right, *of course*!
%
Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.
%
Q:	Why do WASPs play golf ?
A:	So they can dress like pimps.
%
Q:	Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
	New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A:	God gave New Jersey first choice.
%
Q:	Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A:	The cats keep trying to bury them.
%
Q:	Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
A:	Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar.  If they drink
	it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
	visiting, they always take three.
%
Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
	my dissertation to rhyme.
%
Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
	gets all the credit.
%
Q:	Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
A:	Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
%
Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.
%
Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Q:	Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
	soup in a plate?
A:	'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
%
Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.
%
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
%
1 Billion dollars of budget deficit		= 1 Gramm-Rudman
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears	= Avocado's number
2 pints						= 1 Cavort
Basic unit of Laryngitis			= The Hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes		= A straight line
6 Curses					= 1 Hexahex
3500 Calories					= 1 Food Pound
1 Mole						= 007 Secret Agents
1 Mole						= 25 Cagey Bees
1 Dog Pound					= 16 oz. of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game		= 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
2000 pounds of chinese soup			= 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes		= 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier	= 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish					= 1 Octo-puss
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer.		= 1 Lite-year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone			= 1 Rod Serling
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies	= 1 Fig-newton
	to 1 meter per second
One half large intestine			= 1 Semicolon
10 to the minus 6th power Movie			= 1 Microfilm
1000 pains					= 1 Megahertz
1 Word						= 1 Millipicture
1 Sagan						= Billions & Billions
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety		= 1000 nail-bytes
10 to the 12th power microphones		= 1 Megaphone
10 to the 6th power Bicycles			= 2 megacycles
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship	= 1 Millihelen
%
(1)	A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
(2)	An inclined plane is a slope up.
(3)	A slow pup is a lazy dog.

QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
		-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
%
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
	Therefore, all horses are black.
%
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
%
(1) Never draw what you can copy.
(2) Never copy what you can trace.
(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
%
(1) X=Y				; Given
(2) X^2=XY			; Multiply both sides by X
(3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2		; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
(4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y)		; Factor
(5) X+Y=Y			; Cancel out (X-Y) term
(6) 2Y=Y			; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
(7) 2=1				; Divide both sides by Y
		-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
%
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
the law!
%
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
%
13. ...  r-q1
%
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!"
%
	7,140	pounds on the Sun
	   97	pounds on Mercury or Mars
	  255	pounds on Earth
	  232	pounds on Venus or Uranus
	   43	pounds on the Moon
	  648	pounds on Jupiter
	  275	pounds on Saturn
	  303	pounds on Neptune
	   13	pounds on Pluto

		-- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
		   in the solar system.
%
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West.  They
drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
found there was no pilot on board.  Terrified, they listened as the sirens
got louder.  Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
	He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out.  The sirens
got louder and louder.  Armed men surrounded the jet.  The would be pilot's
friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!!  Hurry!!!"
	The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience.  I'm just a simple
pole in a complex plane."
%
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
%
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
		-- Fred Allen
%
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
		-- Klipstein
%
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
%
"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
		-- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
%
A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist.  He explained
that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
each propose to ensure a win.  When they reconvened the gangster started with
the engineer:
	
Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
	  blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
	  electrical shock to the horse.
G:	  That's very good!  But let's hear from the chemist.
Chemist:  I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves
	  into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
	  cannot be detected in post-race tests.
G:	  Excellent, excellent!  But I want to hear from the physicist before
	  I decide what to do.  Physicist?  
Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
%
"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
The Martian Chronicles?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said, `You know where you
talk about Deimos rising in the East?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said `No.'
-- So I hit him."
		-- attributed to Ray Bradbury
%
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
		-- P. Erdos
%
A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman.  As
they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
	The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
yet save her!!"
	The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
6 feet high."
	The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
%
A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
		-- Leibnitz
%
A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
		-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
%
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
		-- George Wald
%
A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side.  It
weighs one third of a pound per foot.  On one end hangs a monkey holding a
banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
The banana weighs two ounces per inch.  The rope is as long (in feet) as
the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
is the same as the age of the monkey's mother.  The combined age of the
monkey and its mother is thirty years.  One half of the weight of the monkey,
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
weight and the weight of the rope.  The monkey's mother is half as old as
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
when it was one fourth as old as it is now.  How long is the banana?
%
A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
		-- Max Planck
%
A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness
of this necessary reorganization of our lives.

It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
ground.
		-- J.W.N. Sullivan
%
A Severe Strain on the Credulity
	As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
charges it then might have left.  Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
		-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
%
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
		-- Prof. Steiner
%
A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
%
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
%
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
%
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
%
According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
and according to convention, there is an order.  In truth, there are atoms
and a void.
		-- Democritus, 400 B.C.
%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
%
			ACHTUNG!!!

Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy schnappen
der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken.  Ist nicht
fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands
in das pockets.  Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
%
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator will be going in the
right direction.  Proof by induction:

N=1.	Trivially true, since both you and the elevator only have one
	floor to go to.

Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
	If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
	induction hypothesis.  If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
	and the elevator have only one choice, namely down.  Therefore,
	it is true for all N+1 floors.
QED.
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
%
	After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years
in the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they would
finally find and enter the Promised Land.  With him, he brought his
favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do
assorted camp chores.
	The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
as the months passed, became very fond of him.  Patriarchs took to
discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
ending, he abruptly wore out.  Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
	"It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it.  He must be properly
interred.  We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians.  Nor have we wood for
a coffin.  But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
cattle.  We shall bury him in it."
	Feghoot agreed.  "Yes, let this be his last rusting place."
	"Rusting?" Moses cried.  "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
	"Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
		-- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
		   Feghoot!"
%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
%
After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments.  Harvey
Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
with Millikan.  Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
Physics Today, June 1982, page 43.  In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
		-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"

Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 
Nobel Prize in 1923.
%
After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
%
	Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled.  Ever
since, he's been talking about the good old dais.  His students planted a small
orchard in his honor; the trees all have square roots.
%
Air is water with holes in it.
%
Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
%
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
%
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
		-- Philippe Schnoebelen
%
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
without thinking.
%
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
		-- Young
%
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
%
All laws are simulations of reality.
		-- John C. Lilly
%
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
		-- Dawkins
%
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
%
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
		-- Ernest Rutherford
%
All seems condemned in the long run to approximate a state akin to
Gaussian noise.
		-- James Martin
%
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
%
All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected,
so there's still hope.
%
All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists 
know it.
		-- Richard P. Feynman
%
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
%
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers,
etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these
things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in.
Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a
kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock.  This
proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also
damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in
incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned."
Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
%
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
%
Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea.
		-- Seth Frankel
%
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
%
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.
		-- James Michener, "Space"
%
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
	"Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --"
Bohr chuckled.
	"I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
%
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
		-- David Letterman
%
	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He knows
he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
restraint.
	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away to be used "next
time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
is ready to build a second system.
	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
are particular and not generalizable.
	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.
%
An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
%
An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, in mid-air, on both
sides of an issue.
		-- Homer Ferguson
%
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations the
engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few minutes later
the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.  This leaves the
mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
%
And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
		-- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
%
And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
%
... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
it.  There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
		-- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
%
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
		-- Philippus Paracelsus
%
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
		-- Claude Shouse

"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
		-- Joseph C. Wang
%
Anything cut to length will be too short.
%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
		-- Mickey Mouse
%
Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
artificial flowers have to flowers.
		-- David Parnas
%
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
		-- Matt Cartmill
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
		-- Dave "First Strike" Pare
%
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where
it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
		-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
%
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism:  The collective
enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
field on track.
		-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
%
Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons.  Some
military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
Since in those days, only Western Electric  made "data sets" (modems) the
problems of terminology were all Bell System.  We used to struggle with
written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
(most phones were rotary then.)  Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
the "pound sign."  Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out.  It
never really caught on.
%
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
%
Besides the device, the box should contain:
	* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
	* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
		club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%
Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
		-- G.H. Gonnet
%
Biology grows on you.
%
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing
as division.
%
Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
behavior of numbers.  Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
on the observer's movement in restaurants.
		-- Douglas Adams
%
But it does move!
		-- Galileo Galilei
%
But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
		-- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
%
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation works.  An
incorrect model can be a useful tool.
		-- Kelvin Throop III
%
Chapter 2:  Newtonian Growth and Decay

	The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg.  His idea was to provide an equation
that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
quite reach zero.  Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
mortgage.  Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity.  This equation
can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
race in general.
%
Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
%
Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
%
Chemistry is applied theology.
		-- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
%
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
%
Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%
"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
		-- Professor in the UCB physics department
%
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
		-- Randy Davis
%
Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
the number zero?

Is nothing sacred?
%
Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
only recaptured 116 of them?
%
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors.  Velocity,
for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
%
Dinosaurs aren't extinct.  They've just learned to hide in the trees.
%
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
%
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together ...
		-- Carl Zwanzig
%
E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
%
Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management science,
telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 21st century aircraft:

	"The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog.  The pilot will
	nurture and feed the dog.  The dog will be there to bite the
	pilot if he touches anything.
		-- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
		   [the *magazine*, silly!]
%
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy would
turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
		-- Robert Orben
%
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called
electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been
drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American
homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the time it has taken
you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the
way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows
why it would want to.

The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current,
lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes have alternating
current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while,
then goes in the other direction.  This prevents harmful electron buildup in
the wires.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Elegance and truth are inversely related.
		-- Becker's Razor
%
Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
%
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
%
Entropy requires no maintenance.
		-- Markoff Chaney
%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
		-- Jerome Lettvin
%
Eureka!
		-- Archimedes
%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
		-- Don Vonada
%
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.

It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
%
Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
sees in it.  I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
		-- Morris Kline
%
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific
mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned
with what ____does exist.  Indeed, the banality of existence has been
so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further
here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically,
discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical,
and the purely hypothetical.  They were all, one might say, nonexistent,
but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ...
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
		-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
%
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
straight lines.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all present
life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ only with
respect to theories about how the process operates.
		-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". 
%
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%
Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
%
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples
of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
but they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings
that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
		-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:
		   Implications for Psi Phenomena".
%
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
%
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
%
Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally disadvantaged.
%
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
		-- Robert Firth

"One, two, five."
		-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
		-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
%
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
%
For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
%
Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic's role is to point out
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
the accepted body of scientific evidence.
		-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
		   No. 2, pg. 215
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#1
	A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
	A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
	A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
	A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
	    rather then a spotted one.
	Peanuts are not really nuts.  The majority of nuts grow on trees
		while peauts grow underground.  They are classified as a
		legume -- part of the pea family.
	A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#44
	Zebras are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
%
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
What to do...
    if reality disappears?
	Hope this one doesn't happen to you.  There isn't much that you
	can do about it.  It will probably be quite unpleasant.

    if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
    traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
	Play this one by the book.  Ask about the stock market and cash in.
	Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
	younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox.  If you
	expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
	behind time travel, and possibly schematics.  Never, NEVER, ask
	when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
%
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
What to do...
    if you get a phone call from Mars:
	Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly.  Limit
	your vocabulary to simple words.  Try to determine if you are
	speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.

    if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
	Hang up.  There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
	If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
	or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
	calling.

    if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
	Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
	he, she or it is not "life as we know it".  Try to terminate the
	conversation as soon as possible.  It will not profit you, and the
	charges may have been reversed.
%
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
What to do...
    if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
	First of all, do not run after your camera.  You will not have any
	film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
	you anyway.  Be polite.  Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
	they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
	Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
	wanted to land, anyway.  A good road map should help.

    if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
    closet contains an alternate dimension?
	Don't walk in.  You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
	and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun.  Remain calm
	and go back to bed.  Close the door first, so that the cat does not
	wander off.  Check your closet in the morning.  If it still contains
	an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
%
Friction is a drag.
%
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
%
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
%
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
"Only one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a while and then added,
"And he didn't understand me."
%
God doesn't play dice.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
		-- Kronecker
%
God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
		-- William Bragg
%
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
%
Good morning.  This is the telephone company.  Due to repairs, we're
giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
at ten o'clock.  That's two minutes from now.
%
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with
time travel, you never can tell."
		-- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara"
%
Got Mole problems?  Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
%
Gravity brings me down.
%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  April 2, 1751

Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
%
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
		-- Albert Einstein

They laughed at Einstein.  They laughed at the Wright Brothers.  But they
also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
		-- Carl Sagan
%
He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
%
He:	Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
She:	What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several Guernsey cows?
It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
%
Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
		-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
%
Heisenberg may have been here.
%
Heisenberg may have slept here...
%
Help fight continental drift.
%
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.  Did you
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
	It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
	Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger
would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you have
carpeting.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
Hi! How are things going?
	(just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
	(you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
	(one more than the first one?)
Yes.
	(you already asked that...)
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart...	]
May I ask two questions, sir?
	(no.)
May I ask ONE then?
	(nope...)
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
	(yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
	(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
	 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
	 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
	 next one)
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
	(go right ahead...)
%
Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.
		-- Neil Armstrong
%
How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
		-- Charles Schulz
%
How many weeks are there in a light year?
%
How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere
else.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%
I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!
		-- Paul McCracken
%
I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
		-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
%
I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds
entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail
to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to
perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again
from the top down, the result is always different.
		-- Mrs. La Touche
%
I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
devote it to research in mathematics.
		-- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
%
"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.
%
I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all.  Depth beyond
depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus.  I saw exactly
why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
dinner and I let it go.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it.
%
	"I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
I think very probably he might be cured."
	"That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
	"His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
	The elders murmured assent.
	"Now, what affects it?"
	"Ah!" said old Yacob.
	"This," said the doctor, answering his own question.  "Those queer
things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
as to affect his brain.  They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant
irritation and distraction."
	"Yes?" said old Yacob.  "Yes?"
	"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
operation -- namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
	"And then he will be sane?"
	"Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
	"Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
		-- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
%
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
		-- Plato
%
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
		-- Poul Anderson
%
I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
and planets.  Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
-- around the sun.  If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
feet for the base.

And it has advantages.  The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
sphere.  We can spin it on its axis for gravity.  A rotation speed of 770
m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal.  We wouldn't even need to
roof it over.  Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
sun.  Very little air will leak over the edges.

Lord knows the thing is roomy enough.  With three million times the surface
area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
crowding.
		-- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
%
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
		-- Neil Armstrong
%
I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it is only there that
they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
		-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
%
"I think it is true for all _n.  I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
because I couldn't remember the proof."
		-- Baker, Pure Math 351a
%
I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
to blue, and it has to do with where the light is.  You know, the
farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
out, it's the shifting of color.  We mentioned before about the stars
singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
		-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
%
I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
paneling.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
		-- Nam June Paik
%
I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
of wax...  and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
forget or do not know.
		-- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to image activation and termination.]
%
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but 
what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
		-- Carl Sagan
%
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
		-- Roy Santoro
%
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a
camel's behind.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z.  _X is work.  _Y
is play.  _Z is keep your mouth shut.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
conclusion.
		-- William Baumol
%
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
%
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
is an exception to every rule.  If we accept "For every rule there is an
exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
		-- Bill Boquist
%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
%
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
%
If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
I'm an engineer working on something.
		-- S.R. McElroy
%
If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
%
If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact,
proof is necessary.
		-- Samuel Clemens
%
If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
it's physics.
%
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
%
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
%
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
the use of the mathematics of probability.
		-- Vannevar Bush
%
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
		-- Stanley Garn
%
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
we would be so simple we couldn't.
%
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
something out of you.
		-- Muhammad Ali
%
"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely."
%
If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
		-- Arthur Miller
%
If you are smart enough to know that you're not smart enough to be an
Engineer, then you're in Business.
%
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
%
If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
in chartered accountancy beckons.
		-- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
		   Systems course.
%
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't
get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
%
	If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
repeat the sequence. 
	You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
hit that window jamb, that door, that chair.  Get back on course and do it
again.  How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
your own apartment?
		-- William S. Burroughs
%
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
many it's research.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
%
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs.
%
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
%
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
%
IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
becoming pure energy.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
In Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments, there are consequences.
		-- R.G. Ingersoll
%
In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
%
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe."
		-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
%
In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
their minds and you never hear that old view from them again.  They really
do it.  It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
human and change is sometimes painful.  But it happens every day.  I cannot
recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
		-- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
%
"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
%
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
%
In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
%
	In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist.  And they grew to
large numbers and prospered.
	One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
as the eye could see.  So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
was to reach up as far as "up" went.  Further and further up they went ...
until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
	The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
structure reaching to the heavens.  One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
out from under the rubble.  It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not
understand each other.  They all spoke different languages.  They all fought
amongst themselves and each went about their own way.  To this day the
Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
		-- The Story of Babel
%
In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
which we coffee achievers have long appreciated:  no really creative,
intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee.  On page
14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..."  Hadamard refers
to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:

	"One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
	could not sleep.  Ideas rose in crowds;  I felt them collide
	until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
	combination."

Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom.  Maybe he
could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
%
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  In practice,
there is.
%
In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
		-- Pliny the Elder
%
	"In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
baroque feel to a continent.  And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
Equatorial!"  He gave a hollow laugh.  "What does it matter?  Science has
achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
right any day."
	"And are you?"
	"No.  That's where it all falls down, of course."
	"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy.  "It sounded like quite a good
life-style otherwise."
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Information is the inverse of entropy.
%
Interchangeable parts won't.
%
Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
%
"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
		-- Douglas Hofstadter
%
Is knowledge knowable?  If not, how do we know that?
%
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
		-- Kelvin Throop III
%
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
%
"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
existence.  But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
horse has wings by Walter having a different horse.  Nor does "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
have wings by not being Walter's horse.

I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
		-- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%
It is contrary to reasoning to say that there is a vacuum or space in
which there is absolutely nothing.
		-- Descartes
%
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable,
as one's hat keeps blowing off.
		-- Woody Allen
%
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
%
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
It is not for me to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.
		-- The Earl of Birkenhead
%
It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
		-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
%
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to
mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But it takes
Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
%
It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
		-- Chris Torek
%
It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
language named "research student".
%
"It's easier said than done."

... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".
%
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
%
It's later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission has
already begun.
%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
		-- Phil White
%
It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
		-- J.K. Galbraith
%
Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
are forbidden.  They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
what I mean.
		-- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
%
Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
%
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
%
Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
%
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
%
Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
%
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
%
Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
%
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
%
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
%
Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
momentum.
%
Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
British automotive electrical systems.  Professionals call the company "The
Prince of Darkness".  Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground.  The British
don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do.  The British drink warm
beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
%
Ma Bell is a mean mother!
%
Machines have less problems.  I'd like to be a machine.
		-- Andy Warhol
%
Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
%
Make it right before you make it faster.
%
Man will never fly.  Space travel is merely a dream.  All aspirin is alike.
%
MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
	Please, don't drink and derive.

	Mathematicians
	Against
	Drunk
	Deriving
%
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
		-- R. Drabek
%
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen:  whatever you say to them they translate
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
		-- Dr. Thor Wald, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by James Blish
%
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
		-- Henry Adams
%
Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 
one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
		-- Russell
%
Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
greatest art can show.  The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
%
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
%
Measure twice, cut once.
%
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
%
Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
		-- Frederick Crane
%
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
%
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves
up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
other.  There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected.  But it
is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble.  One cannot
logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
		-- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
		   Theory", 1949
%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One path
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
%
"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365".  He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"
An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
as much fun to watch.
		-- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
%
Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always,
always, he was right.
	[That's an interesting angle.  I wonder if there are any parallels?]
%
	My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
even that they were always wrong.  Rather, I believe that science must be
understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
robots programmed to collect pure information.  I also present this view as
an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
the alter of human limitations.
	I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it.  Galileo was not shown
the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion.  He had
threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
stability:  the static world order with planets circling about a central
earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord.  But the
Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology.  They had no choice; the
earth really does revolve about the sun.
		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%
Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
		-- Booth Tarkington
%
Natural laws have no pity.
%
Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
creamed?
		-- Solomon Short
%
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
%
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,
it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
Neil Armstrong tripped.
%
Neutrinos are into physicists.
%
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
%
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.
		-- R. A. Heinlein
%
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
%
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
%
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
%
Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.
		-- Heisenberg
%
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in
their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect.
And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it
was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then they put
them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit,
and everything was just fine ...
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...

To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
light comes on.
%
Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
		-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
		   manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
		   Times, June 10, 1955.
%
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
%
"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
		-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
		   1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
		   of the grandstands.
%
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.  After a while you'd
run out of air to push against.
%
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for support
rather than illumination.
%
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:

"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
		-- Wolfgang Pauli
%
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
smaller prime numbers.

2:  The Odd Prime --
	It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
3:  The True Prime --
	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime in
	case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91 received
	the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
	However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
41: The Female Prime --
	The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
	prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.

Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
%
	Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
	Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
available to anyone.
		-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
%
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
%
One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
%
One Bell System - it works.
%
One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
		-- J. Gustav White
%
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
%
One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
just stupid.
		-- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
%
One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
decides to do something about it.  He calls up his best friend, who is a
mathematical genius.  "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track?  We could
make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life."  The mathematician thinks
this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
	A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
success.  The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
there a number of details to be figured out.
	After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
track."
	At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
pounding on his door at three in the morning.  He has dark circles under his
eyes.  His hair hasn't been combed for many days.  He appears to be wearing
the same clothes as the last time.  He has several pencils sticking out from
behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face.  "WE CAN DO
IT!  WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
And it's so EASY!  First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
harmonic motion..."
%
One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
and end up with the atomic bomb.
		-- Marcel Pagnol
%
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.  "Supernatural" is a null word.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
One man's constant is another man's variable.
		-- A.J. Perlis
%
One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor...
is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics.
		-- N. Wiener
%
One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
%
One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
terror.
		-- W.K. Hartmann
%
Only God can make random selections.
%
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Order and simplification are the first steps toward mastery of a subject
-- the actual enemy is the unknown.
		-- Thomas Mann
%
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
		-- Mike Adams
%
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
		-- Alex Schure
%
Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard.  It is fatal in
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m.  Humans exposed to the
oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes.  Symptoms resemble very
much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.).  In higher
concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place.  The reason
for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
oxygen in 20% concentration.  It apparently contributes to a complex
process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
always fatal.

However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
fact it is habit forming.  The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent.  After that, any
considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.

Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard.  All of the fires that were reported in
the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
in question.

Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
too late.
		-- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
%
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
%
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
%
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
%
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
%
"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
%
Pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square.
%
Polymer physicists are into chains.
%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%
Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
%
Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.

This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them.  Induction
techniques are very popular, even the military used them.

SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.

	We know it's true for _n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true
for every natural number less than _n.  _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
as large as we want.  If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n.  We
can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
about _n.
	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
%
... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
		-- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
		   "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
Prototype designs always work.
		-- Don Vonada
%
"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together."
%
Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
Biologists think they're biochemists.
Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think they're physical chemists.
Physical chemists think they're physicists.
Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
Philosophers think they're gods.
%
Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
		-- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
%
Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
%
Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%
Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
cannot be fooled.
		-- R.P. Feynman
%
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
%
	"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the
universe again..."  An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
know which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A
spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
starfield surrounding the ship.
	"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
ZORAC announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but
they are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have
been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
		-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
%
Remember Darwin; building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
%
Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
so you're still a valiant nerd.
%
Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and think what nobody
else has thought.
%
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%
Review Questions

(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?

(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?

(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
    pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
    Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
%
Round Numbers are always false.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long
period of time.
		-- George Carlin
%
Science and religion are in full accord but science and faith are in complete
discord.
%
Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones.  But a collection
of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house.
		-- Jules Henri Poincar'e
%
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
%
Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
%
Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
		-- William Buckley
%
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
%
Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
%
So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate your
current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and hurl it
into a dumpster.  Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast array of
8-millimeter video equipment.

... OK!  Got everything?  Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you were
gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format that makes
your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as toenail dirt.
This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be made available until
it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a format called "Elroy", so
*order yours now*.
		-- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics Revolution"
%
Solutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe them
over the horizon.
		-- K.A. Arsdall
%
Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
Space is to place as eternity is to time.
		-- Joseph Joubert
%
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
		-- Wheeler
%
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
		-- Henry Clay
%
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
%
Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.  Embezzlement is another matter.
%
Stuckness shouldn't be avoided.  It's the psychic predecessor of all
real understanding.  An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
	    Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
Supervisee: Yes.
		-- Overheard at a supervision.
%
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
%
Take an astronaut to launch.
%
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
for going backwards.
		-- Aldous Huxley
%
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
%
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
		-- Neil Armstrong
%
The  White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
	"Where shall  I  begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
	"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, "and go on
till you come to the end: then stop."
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
facts.  Seek simplicity and distrust it.
		-- Whitehead.
%
The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
%
The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
in billigrahams.
%
The ark lands after The Flood.  Noah lets all the animals out.  Says he, "Go
and multiply."  Several months pass.  Noah decides to check up on the animals.
All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.  "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.  Noah follows
their advice.  Several more weeks pass.  Noah checks on the snakes again.
Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.  Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
the trees helped?"  "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
logs to multiply."
%
The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
Jupiter can have no satellites:

	There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
	Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
and therefore do not exist.
%
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
%
The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
redoubtable John W. Campbell:

	The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
	people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
	dead.  There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
	being read by a corpse.
%
The bigger the theory the better.
%
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
		-- Merrick Furst
%
The bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives.
		-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
%
The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
%
The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
		-- John Muir
%
The Commandments of the EE:

 (9)	Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
	commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
	frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
(10)	Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
	written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
	and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
	thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
(11)	When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
	unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket.  Better
	that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
	experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
	innocent-seeming device.
%
The Commandments of the EE:

(1)	Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
	lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
	embarrassing manner.
(2)	Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
	be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
	earthly vale of tears.
(3)	Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
	which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
	thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
	a radiator too.
(4)	Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
	shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
	unbelievers.
%
The Commandments of the EE:

(5)	Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
	measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
	both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
	property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
	one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
(6)	Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
	for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
	the fury of the engineers on his head.
(7)	Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
	friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
	her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
(8)	Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
	for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
	thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
	sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
%
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
%
The devil finds work for idle glands.
%
The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so
little to recommend it.
		-- Allan Sherman
%
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
%
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
weather forecasters.
		-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
%
The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
to do the work of a man.  The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
over the post of robotics correspondent.
	Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
wall when the revolution came'.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
of thing.  Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
of these atoms is talking moonshine.
		-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
		   the first time
%
The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be
correct.
		-- William of Occam
%
The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
suit in the city.  Colleges may be to blame.  English majors are encouraged,
I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
quad.  And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
and they are squeamish about technology to this very day.  So it is natural
for them to despise science fiction.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
%
The following statement is not true.  The previous statement is true.
%
The Force is what holds everything together.  It has its dark side, and
it has its light side.  It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
%
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
		-- Dave Barry
%
The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
		-- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
%
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature
is to build better mice.
%
The Greatest Mathematical Error 
	The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
July 1962 towards Venus.  After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.  
	However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
	Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
the instructions fed into the computer.  "It was human error", a launch
spokesman said.
	This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
%
The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
understood.  Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
		-- John Maynard Keyes
%
"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
		-- Franco Spisani
%
The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth.  And there are
searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a pointer and a mark.
		-- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
%
The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
		-- L. Zadeh
%
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
%
The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
	The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
Hubert Cecil Booth.  However, he got the idea from a man who almost
invented it.  
	In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall.  On the bill was an
American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
	The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
	"It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
point.  "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor.  "Your machine just moves
the dust around the room," Booth informed him.  "Suck?  Suck?  Sucking is
not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out.  Booth proved
that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
sucking the back of an armchair.  "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
%
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
%
The moon is made of green cheese.
		-- John Heywood
%
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
%
The more they over-think the plumbing the easier it is to stop up the drain.
%
The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to exhibit
nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but rather depart
instantaneously whence thou even now standest and flee to yet another rotten
planet in the universe, if thou canst have the good fortune to find one.
		-- Carlyle
%
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
		-- Isaac Asimov
%
The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
		-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
%
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that they
serve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond this they have
no legitimacy.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
%
The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
%
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social
sciences' is: some do, some don't.
		-- Ernest Rutherford
%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
		-- Niels Bohr
%
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, when
exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
%
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using
other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern
countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so
far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill
and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons.  None of the animals turned into
oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
engineers.
%
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
measurement of the speed of blight.
%
The reason that every major university maintains a department of
mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.
%
The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
		-- Jane Bryant Quinn
%
The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
		-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
%
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
its theories will hold water.
%
The solution of problems is the most characteristic and peculiar sort
of voluntary thinking.
		-- William James
%
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for
the reader.
%
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
		-- Peer
%
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
%
The spirit of Plato dies hard.  We have been unable to escape the philosophical
tradition that what we can see and measure in the world is merely the
superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying reality.
		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%
The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
of paper in any other parts of the Universe.  This single statement took
the scientific world by storm.  So many mathematical conferences got held
in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
back by years.
		-- Douglas Adams
%
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
%
"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
even any property taxes."
		-- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
%
The sum of the Universe is zero.
%
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
data.  Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
as the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all.  The light we
receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that.  With these data we can compute the temperature
of Heaven.  The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using
the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact
temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten
brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
or 444.6C  (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.)  We have,
then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
		-- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
%
The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
		-- Aldo Leopold
%
The tree of research must from time to time be refreshed with the blood
of bean counters.
		-- Alan Kay
%
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And
vice versa.
%
The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
		-- Harlan Ellison
%
The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude.
%
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.
%
The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
%
The universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds
universes.
%
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
combination is locked up in the safe.
		-- Peter DeVries
%
The Universe is populated by stable things.
		-- Richard Dawkins
%
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
		-- Sagan
%
The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four
forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and
bloody-mindedness.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
and deviation standard.
%
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be
done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
		-- E. Hubbard
%
The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.  They were just the first
not to crash.
%
Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
		-- Goethe
%
There *__is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
%
There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
are chosen correctly.
%
"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers.
While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain."
		-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
%
There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring the
changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many facts.
Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
%
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the
sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that
hits your neighbors' homes, too.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
		-- R. W. Gerard
%
There is a building with four floors.  On the first floor, there
is a convention of architects.  On the second floor, there is a
vinyl manufacturing plant.  On the third floor there is a fast food
stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.

Q:	What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
	elevator with one other person from each floor?
A:	The elevator would be full.
%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been
originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet
has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a
beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are
being, evolved.
		-- Darwin
%
There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the
rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries civilization
will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. We must provide a
Great Age or see the collapse of the upward striving of the human race.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
		-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
%
There is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
%
There is no royal road to geometry.
		-- Euclid
%
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
on his own account.  The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
even highly probable.
		-- H.L. Mencken, 1930
%
	There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 
each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
can opener.
	A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and found it long empty.  The engineer had constructed a can opener from
pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
and escaped.
	The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall.  She was developing a good
pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
	The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
	Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
	Proof: assume the opposite...
%
There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms.  If they recalled
every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
insupportable.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut
%
There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
of the offspring conceived thereupon.  And so it goes that one Indian
couple made love on a buffalo  hide.  Nine months later, they were
blessed with a healthy baby son.  Yet another couple huddled together
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
baby son.  But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
of the nine month interval.  All of which proves the old theorem that:
The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.
%
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
		-- Doug Clifford
%
There's no future in time travel.
%
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking
about.
		-- John von Neumann
%
They don't know how the world is shaped.  And so they give it a shape, and
try to make everything fit it.  They separate the right from the left, the
man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
only want to count to two.
		-- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
%
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
%
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough
hunchbacks.
%
This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers.  The
spark-gap is mightier than the pen.  Democracy will not be salvaged by men
who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
		-- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
%
This is the theory that Jack built.
This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
%
This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
constant.  And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
been called by others the fiddle factor..."
		-- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
%
This place just isn't big enough for all of us.  We've got to find a way
off this planet.
%
This universe shipped by weight, not by volume.  Some expansion of the
contents may have occurred during shipment.
%
This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
dying... but nobody thought so.  This was a future of fortune and theft,
pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
		-- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
%
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
%
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
%
... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
from beginning to end.
		-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
%
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the
molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose
existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A fifth
theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about
the matter than the others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

Space is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen to you.
%
TIRED of calculating components of vectors?  Displacements along direction of
force getting you down?  Well, now there's help.  Try amazing "Dot-Product",
the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
to YOU through this special offer.  Three out of five engineering consultants
recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products.  Mr.
Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
	"Dot-Product really works!  Calculating Z-axis force components has
	never been easier."
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product.  Use
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
components.  How much would you pay for it?  But wait, it also calculates the
work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's.  Divide Dot-Product by the
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator!  Now, how
much would you pay?  All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
But that's not all!  If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free!  Yes, you'll get
Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
Call 1-800-DOT-6000.  Operators are standing by.  That number again...
1-800-DOT-6000.  Supplies are limited, so act now.  This offer is not
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
%
To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
		-- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
%
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
		-- Thomas Edison
%
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?

And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the earth's
supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. As man
struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. Please...

			CONSERVE GRAVITY

Follow these simple suggestions:

(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
(4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes
%
Torque is cheap.
%
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
%
Two men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost in a
canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.  We can
call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
end of the canyon.  Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
	So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo!  Where
are we?"  (They hear the echo several times).
	Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!"
	The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
	Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
	"For three reasons.  First, he took a long time to answer, second,
he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
%
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
%
Two wrights don't make a rong, they make an airplane.  Or bicycles.
%
UFOs are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
%
Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
in relation to a bigger problem.
		-- P.D. Ouspensky
%
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
		-- Doug Larson
%
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is
whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling
is that it is not crazy enough. 
		-- Niels Bohr
%
We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
own facts.
		-- Patrick Moynihan
%
We are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.  Please check
the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.

This is a recording.
%
We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
%
We can predict everything, except the future.
%
We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
		-- Sir Francis Bacon
%
We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, take from
their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send forth one of
themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search into the mysteries and
marvelous simplicities of this strange and beautiful Universe, Our home.
		-- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
%
"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
%
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
%
We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
that it wasn't a fish.
	-- Marshall McLuhan
%
We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
		-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
%
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
%
We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
the elephant, a huge tortoise.  If we will candidly confess the truth, we
know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
his about the support of the earth.  His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
hypotheses are elephants.  Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
%
... we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
functions).  But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%
We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn of a beautiful
new world.  We will see it when we believe it.
		-- Saul Alinsky
%
... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
observations and inferences by the thousands.  The earth is billions of
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
descent.  Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
flat nor at the center of the universe?  Science *has* taught us some
things with confidence!  Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
established as our planet's shape and position.  Our continuing struggle
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
into doubt.
		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 
		   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
%
We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here depends on a
clever but highly unmotivated trick.
		-- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
%
We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal tend to
brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous extinction.
		-- S.J. Gould
%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical
problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
%
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,
but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
		-- Andy Rooney
%
Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought.  He did so. "Well, kid, that
was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"

Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
%
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
%
"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
		-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
%
What is algebra, exactly?  Is it one of those three-cornered things?
		-- J.M. Barrie
%
What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind.
		-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
%
What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
		-- William Blake
%
What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
		-- Will Harvey
%
What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite.
		-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928
%
What the deuce is it to me?  You say that we go around the sun.  If we went
around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
%
What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
		-- Nikita Khruschev
%
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
%
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute -- and it's longer than any
hour.  That's relativity.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people interrupted
service for one minute in his honor.  They've been honoring him intermittently
ever since, I believe.
		-- The Grab Bag
%
When some people discover the truth, they just can't understand why
everybody isn't eager to hear it.
%
When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
		-- S. Johnson
%
"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical."
		-- Jon Carroll
%
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
bodies of a lower grade ...
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
plane will fly.
		-- Donald Douglas
%
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the goal.
		-- Amrom Katz
%
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
%
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
	Oh, dear, where can the matter be
	When it's converted to energy?
	There is a slight loss of parity.
	Johnny's so long at the fair.
%
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
examine the laws of heat.
		-- Christopher Morley
%
	While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
	"Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant.  "What do you
mean?"
	The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
a moment ago.  It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
salt was rare and expensive.  A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long.  At first the miller
thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
more salt.  The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
acres.  At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
be rid of it.  But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
why the sea is salt."
	"I don't get you," said the assistant.
		-- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
%
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
%
Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
meaning?  "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with."  "If it
doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
corner."
%
Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
		-- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
%
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
build a nuclear balm?
%
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
such thing as progress.
		-- Ransom K. Ferm
%
Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%
Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
rays and became a tangent ?
%
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
%
	"Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
	"What do you keep that mouse for?" I said.  "You should either
bury it or else throw it into the brook."
	"Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno.  "How ever would you
do a garden without one?  We make each bed three mouses and a half
long, and two mouses wide."
	I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
how it was used...
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
%
	"Yo, Mike!"
	"Yeah, Gabe?"
	"We got a problem down on Earth.  In Utah."
	"I thought you fixed that last century!"
	"No, no, not that.  Someone's found a security problem in the physics
program.  They're getting energy out of nowhere."
	"Blessit!  Lemme look...  <tappity clickity tappity>  Hey, it's
there all right!  OK, just a sec...  <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
There, that ought to patch it.  Dist it out, wouldja?"
		-- Cold Fusion, 1989
%
You are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
use for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
the carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
moment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?"
%
You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
		-- The First Law Of Thermodynamics

What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
		-- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics

You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
		-- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
%
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
		-- F. Allen
%
You can't cheat the phone company.
%
You cannot have a science without measurement.
		-- R. W. Hamming
%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%
You mean you didn't *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies?
%
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
about 10^12 to 1.
		-- Ernest Rutherford
%
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses.
Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many scientists actually
use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer.  If you visit a
scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire
roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how
cool he is and drinking heavily.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
You will never amount to much.
		-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
%
100 buckets of bits on the bus	
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus	

FF buckets of bits on the bus	
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus	

ad infinitum...
%
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!

100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
%
A bit of talcum
Is always walcum
		-- Ogden Nash
%
A box without hinges, key, or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
		-- Robert W. Service
%
A cousin of mine once said about money,
money is always there but the pockets change;
it is not in the same pockets after a change,
and that is all there is to say about money.
		-- Gertrude Stein
%
A Elbereth Gilthoniel,
silivren penna m'iriel
o menel aglar elenath!
Na chaered palan-d'iriel
o galadhremmin ennorath,
Fanuilos, le linnathon
nef aear, s'i  nef aearon!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
A fitter fits;				Though sinners sin
A cutter cuts;				And thinners thin
And an aircraft spotter spots;		And paper-blotters blot
A baby-sitter				I've never yet
Baby-sits --				Had letters let
But an otter never ots.			Or seen an otter ot.

A batter bats
(Or scatters scats);
A potting shed's for potting;
But no one's found
A bounder bound
Or caught an otter otting.
		-- Ralph Lewin
%
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
		-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
%
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
		-- Gopete Sherany
%
A little word of doubtful number,
A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
If you add an "s" to this,
Great is the metamorphosis.
Plural is plural now no more,
And sweet what bitter was before.
What am I?
%
A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
		-- Richard Thompson
%
A man of genius makes no mistakes.
His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
%
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
%
A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all Heaven in a rage.
		-- Blake
%
A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
		-- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"

I don't know what it's about.  I'm just the drummer.  Ask Peter.
		-- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
		   the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
		   on Broadway".
%
A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
One perfect rose.

I knew the language of the floweret;
"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
Love long has taken for his amulet
One perfect rose.

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
%
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
		-- William Blake
%
A-Z affectionately,
1 to 10 alphabetically,
from here to eternity without in betweens,
still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
sales talk from sales assistants
	when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
love's on arrival,
she comes when she comes,
right on the target but wide of the mark...
%
Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
An angel writing in a book of gold.
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
And to the presence in the room he said,
"What writest thou?"  The vision raised its head,
And with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
Replied the angel.  Abou spoke more low,
But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
The angel wrote, and vanished.  The next night
It came again with a great wakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
And lo!  Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
		-- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
%
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain.  And futures have
A way of falling down in midflight,
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn
With every goodbye you learn.
		-- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
%
After all my erstwhile dear,
My no longer cherished,
Need we say it was not love,
Just because it perished?
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%
Again she fled, but swift he came.
Tin'uviel!  Tin'uviel!
He called her by her elvish name;
And there she halted listening.
One moment stood she, and a spell
His voice laid on her: Beren came
And doom fell on Tin'uviel
That in his arms lay glistening.

As Beren looked into her eyes
Within the shadows of her hair,
The trembling starlight of the skies
He saw there mirrored shimmering.
Tin'uviel the elven-fair,
Immortal maiden elven-wise,
About him cast her shadowy hair
And arms like silver glimmering.

Long was the way that fate them bore,
O'er stony mountains cold and grey,
Through halls of iron and darkling door,
And woods of nightshade morrowless.
The Sundering Seas between them lay,
And yet at last they met once more,
And long ago they passed away
In the forest singing sorrowless.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
			Against Idleness and Mischief

How doth the little busy bee		How skillfully she builds her cell!
Improve each shining hour,		How neat she spreads the wax!
And gather honey all the day		And labours hard to store it well
From every opening flower!		With the sweet food she makes.

In works of labour or of skill		In books, or work, or healthful play,
I would be busy too;			Let my first years be passed,
For Satan finds some mischief still	That I may give for every day
For idle hands to do.			Some good account at last.
		-- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
%
Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 
Or what's a heaven for ?
		-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
%
Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
there's the rub.

For all dreams are not equal,
some exit to nightmare
most end with the dreamer

But at least one must be lived ... and died.
%
Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
And I answer them most mysteriously:
"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
		-- Bob Dylan
%
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
%
Alive without breath,
As cold as death;
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail ever clinking.
%
All I need to have a good time,
Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.

All I want is to never grow old,
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
I want 97 kilos already rolled,
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.

I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
		-- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
%
All my friends are getting married,
Yes, they're all growing old,
They're all staying home on the weekend,
They're all doing what they're told.
%
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
	        -- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
	All that you touch,		And all you create,
	All that you see,		And all you destroy,
	All that you taste,		All that you do,
	All you feel,			And all you say,
	And all that you love,		All that you eat,
	And all that you hate,		And everyone you meet,
	All you distrust,		All that you slight,
	All you save,			And everyone you fight,
	And all that you give,		And all that is now,
	And all that you deal,		And all that is gone,
	All that you buy,		And all that's to come,
	Beg, borrow or steal,		And everything under the sun is
						in tune,
					But the sun is eclipsed
					By the moon.

There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
		-- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
%
All the lines have been written		There's been Sandburg,
It's sad but it's true			Keats, Poe and McKuen
With all the words gone,		They all had their day
What's a young poet to do?		And knew what they're doin'

But of all the words written		The bird is a strange one,
And all the lines read,			So small and so tender
There's one I like most,		Its breed still unknown,
And by a bird it was said!		Not to mention its gender.

It reminds me of days of		So what is this line
Both gloom and of light.		Whose author's unknown
It still lifts my spirits		And still makes me giggle
And starts the day right.		Even now that I'm grown?

I've read all the greats
Both starving and fat,
But none was as great as
"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
		-- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
%
All the world's a VAX,
And all the coders merely butchers;
They have their exits and their entrails;
And one int in his time plays many widths,
His sizeof being _N bytes.  At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
And shining morning face, creeping like slug
Unwillingly to school.
		-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
%
All who joy would win Must share it --
Happiness was born a twin.
		-- Lord Byron
%
An eye in a blue face
Saw an eye in a green face.
"That eye is like this eye"
Said the first eye,
"But in low place,
Not in high place."
%
An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
A manly man, to be a wizard able;
Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
His console, when he typed, a man might hear
Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
As old and strict he tended to ignore;
He let go by the things of yesterday
And took the modern world's more spacious way.
He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
And that a hacker underworked is a mere
Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
And I agreed and said his views were sound;
Was he to study till his head wend round
Poring over books in the cloisters?  Must he toil
As Andy bade and till the very soil?
Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
Let Andy have his labor to himself!
		-- Chaucer
		[well, almost.  Ed.]
%
And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
I've worried and worried and worried away.
Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
I've worried about it with all of my heart.

"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better - it's not.
So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler.  He lets something fall.
"It's a truffula seed.  It's the last one of all!

"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
%
And as we stand on the edge of darkness
Let our chant fill the void
That others may know

	In the land of the night
	The ship of the sun
	Is drawn by
	The grateful dead.
		-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
%
And did those feet, in ancient times,
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the Holy Lamb of God
In England's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spears!  O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I shall not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.
		-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
%
And here I wait so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going thru all of these things twice
		-- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
%
And I heard Jeff exclaim,
As they strolled out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all --
You take credit cards, right?"
		-- "Outsiders" comic
%
And if California slides into the ocean,
Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
I predict this motel will be standing,
Until I've paid my bill.
		-- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
%
And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
%
And if you wonder,
What I am doing,
As I am heading for the sink.
I am spitting out all the bitterness,
Along with half of my last drink.
%
And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
		-- Joan Baez
%
And miles to go before I sleep.
		-- Robert Frost
%
And now your toner's toney,		Disk blocks aplenty
And your paper near pure white,		Await your laser drawn lines,
The smudges on your soul are gone	Your intricate fonts,
And your output's clean as light..	Your pictures and signs.

We've labored with your father,		Your amputative absence
The venerable XGP,			Has made the Ten dumb,
But his slow artistic hand,		Without you, Dover,
Lacks your clean velocity.		We're system untounged-

Theses and papers 			DRAW Plots and TEXage
And code in a queue			Have been biding their time,
Dover, oh Dover,			With LISP code and programs,
We've been waiting for you.		And this crufty rhyme.

Dover, oh Dover,		Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
We welcome you back,		Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
Though still you may jam,	Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
You're on the right track.	Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
					hand...
%
...and report cards I was always afraid to show
Mama'd come to school
and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
Got a good head if he'd apply it
but you know yourself
it's always somewhere else
I'd build me a castle
with dragons and kings
and I'd ride off with them
As I stood by my window
and looked out on those
Brooklyn roads
		-- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
%
And so it was, later,
As the miller told his tale,
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale.
		-- Procol Harum
%
And the silence came surging softly backwards
When the plunging hooves were gone...
		-- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
%
And this is good old Boston,
The home of the bean and the cod,
Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
And the Cabots talk only to God.
%
And we heard him exclaim
As he started to roam:
"I'm a hologram, kids,
please don't try this at home!'"
		-- Bob Violence
%
And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
	She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
	Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
	All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
		-- The Grateful Dead
%
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
Antonio Antonio 
Was tired of living alonio
He thought he would woo			Antonio Antonio
Miss Lucamy Lu,				Rode of on his polo ponio
Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio.		And found the maid
					In a bowery shade,
					Sitting and knitting alonio.
Antonio Antonio
Said if you will be my ownio
I'll love tou true			Oh nonio Antonio
And buy for you				You're far too bleak and bonio
An icery creamry conio.			And all that I wish
					You singular fish
					Is that you will quickly begonio.
Antonio Antonio
Uttered a dismal moanio
And went off and hid
Or I'm told that he did
In the Antartical Zonio.
%
April is the cruellest month...
		-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
%
Are there those in the land of the brave
Who can tell me how I should behave
	When I am disgraced
	Because I erased
	A file I intended to save?
%
As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
		-- Frederic Reynolds
%
As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
	Feeling worse and worser,
There I met a C.R.T.
	And it drop't me a cursor.

C.R.T., C.R.T.,
	Phosphors light on you!
If I had fifty hours a day
	I'd spend them all at you.
		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
%
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
%
As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
The words were torn and tattered,
From the storm the night before,
The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,

Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.

Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
%
As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
Follow it through, me canny lad O;
Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
		-- Koko, "The Mikado"
%
At times discretion should be thrown aside,
and with the foolish we should play the fool.
		-- Menander
%
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Azh nazg durbatal^uk, azh nazg gimbatul,
Azh nazg thrakatal^uk agh burzum ishi krimpatul!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Be valiant, but not too venturous.
Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
		-- John Lyly
%
Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
		-- John Keats
%
Because I do,
Because I do not hope,
Because I do not hope to survive
Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
Because I do, only do,
I continue...
		-- T.S. Pynchon
%
Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
They buried him today,
He lived the life of Riley,
While Riley was away.
%
	better !pout !cry
	better watchout
	lpr why
	santa claus < north pole > town

	cat /etc/passwd > list
	ncheck list
	ncheck list
	cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
	cat list | grep nice > giftlist
	santa claus < north pole > town

	who | grep sleeping
	who | grep awake
	who | grep bad || good
	for (goodness sake) {
		be good
	}
%
Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to system service dispatching.]
%
Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
Mighty nice!
%
Bit off more than my mind could chew,
Shower or suicide, what do I do?
		-- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
%
Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
They were just some of my tropical fish.

Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
Now I have many less tropical fish.

	If you think that
	Fish are peaceful
	That's an empty wish.
	Just dump them together
	And leave them alone,
	And soon you will have -- no fish.
		-- To My Favorite Things
%
Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
She wants to hit those bricks,
	'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
		-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
%
Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
		-- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
%
Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
Watch lights fade from every room.
Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
another day's useless energies spent.

Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
Lonely man cries for love and has none.
New mother picks up and suckles her son.
Senior citizens wish they were young.

Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
Removes the colors from our sight.
Red is grey and yellow white.
But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
		-- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
%
Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
	girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
	e la moma radeva fuorigraba.

"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
	dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
	metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
%
But has any little atom,
	While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
Ever stopped to think or CARE
	That E = m c**2 ?
%
But I was there and I saw what you did,
I saw it with my own two eyes.
So you can wipe off that grin;
I know where you've been--
It's all been a pack of lies!
%
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
		-- Hilaire Belloc
%
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
		-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
%
But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft a-gley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
For promised joy.
	-- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
%
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
%
By the time you swear you're his,
shivering and sighing
and he vows his passion is
infinite, undying --
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
%
By the yard, life is hard.
By the inch, it's a cinch.
%
Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
Calm down, and speak to me in English,
Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
%
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
		-- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"

Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
	Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
	and sex won't rot your teeth.
%
Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
		-- The Beach Boys
%
Cecil, you're my final hope
Of finding out the true Straight Dope
For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously alive and dead!
What I don't understand is just why he
Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
		-- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
		   of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
%
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Charlie was a chemist,
But Charlie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.
%
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Chivalry, Schmivalry!
	Roger the thief has a
	method he uses for
	sneaky attacks:
Folks who are reading are
	Characteristically
	Always Forgetting to
	Guard their own bac ...
%
Christmas time is here, by Golly;	Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
Disapproval would be folly;		Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
Deck the halls with hunks of holly;	Even though the prospect sickens,
Fill the cup and don't say when...	Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas day, you can't get sore;	Relations sparing no expense'll,
Your fellow man you must adore;		Send some useless old utensil,
There's time to rob him all the more,	Or a matching pen and pencil,
The other three hundred and sixty-four!	Just the thing I need... how nice.

It doesn't matter how sincere		Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit;	Advertising wondrous things.
Sentiment will not endear it;		God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
What's important is... the price.	May you make the Yuletide pay.
					Angels We Have Heard On High,
Let the raucous sleighbells jingle;	Tell us to go out and buy.
Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle,	Sooooo...
Driving his reindeer across the sky,
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
Cold be hand and heart and bone,
and cold be sleep under stone;
never more to wake on stony bed,
never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead.

In the black wind the stars shall die,
and still on gold here let them lie,
till the dark lord lifts his hand
over dead sea and withered land.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
Your winter garment of repentence fling.
The bird of time has but a little way
To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
		-- Omar Khayyam
%
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands and crystal brooks
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
If you would be my POSSLQ.

You live with me, and I with you,
And you will be my POSSLQ.
I'll be your friend and so much more;
That's what a POSSLQ is for.

And everything we will confess;
Yes, even to the IRS.
Some day on what we both may earn,
Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
You'll share my life - up to a point!
And that you'll be so glad to do,
Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
%
Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
		-- John Donne
%
Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
Catholic girls start much too late,
Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
I might as well be the one.
Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
Built you a temple and locked you away,
Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
The things that you might have done.
So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
Never lets in the sun.
Darling, only the good die young!
		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
%
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
%
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
		-- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
%
Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
Stop up the access and passage to remorse
That no compunctious visiting of nature
Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
Wherever in your sightless substances
You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
To cry `Hold, hold!'
		-- Lady MacBeth
%
Coming to Stores Near You:

101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:

	(You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
	It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
	I'm Not Misbehaving

And A Whole Lot More...
%
Confusion will be my epitaph
as I walk a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
		-- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
%
Death comes on every passing breeze,
He lurks in every flower;
Each season has its own disease,
Its peril -- every hour.
	--Reginald Heber
%
	Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
	Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
	Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
	Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!

	Don't we know archaic barrel,
	Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
	Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
	Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
		-- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" [Walt Kelly]
%
Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
		-- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
%
Despising machines to a man,
The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
	And ride out by night
	In a sheeting of white
To lynch all the robots they can.
		-- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
%
Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
		-- Lovin' Spoonful
%
Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
As human gods aim for their mark,
Make everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much is really sacred.
		-- Bob Dylan
%
Do your otters do the shimmy?
Do they like to shake their tails?
Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
Is your garden full of snails?
%
Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
%
Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
		-- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
%
Don't lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
		-- Burma Shave
%
Don't wake me up too soon...
Gonna take a ride across the moon...
You and me.
%
Double Bucky, you're the one,
You make my keyboard so much fun,
Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
Control and meta, side by side,
Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!

Oh, I sure wish that I,
Had a couple of bits more!
Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.

Double Double Bucky!  Double Bucky left and right
OR'd together, outta sight!
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
		-- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
		be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
		by screen editors.  [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
%
Down to the Banana Republics,
Down to the tropical sun.
Go the expatriated Americans,
Hoping to find some fun.
Some of them go for the sailing,
Caught by the lure of the sea.
Trying to find what is ailing,
Living in the land of the free.
Some of them are running from lovers,
Leaving no forward address.
Some of them are running tons of ganja,
Some are running from the IRS.
Late at night you will find them,
In the cheap hotels and bars.
Hustling the senoritas,
While they dance beneath the stars.
		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
%
Drink and dance and laugh and lie
Love, the reeling midnight through
For tomorrow we shall die!
(But, alas, we never do.)
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
%
Easy come and easy go,
	some call me easy money,
Sometimes life is full of laughs,
	and sometimes it ain't funny
You may think that I'm a fool
	and sometimes that is true,
But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
	with or without you.
		-- Hoyt Axton
%
Eleanor Rigby
	Sits at the keyboard
	And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
	Finding some code
	That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Hacker MacKensie
Writing the code for a program that no one will run
It's nearly done
Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
	nobody there.
What does he care?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Ah, look at all the lonely users.
Ah, look at all the lonely users.
%
Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
Endless the quest;
I turn again, back to my own beginning,
And here, find rest.
%
Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
	Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
		-- Goethe, "Faust"
%
Even a man who is pure at heart,
And says his prayers at night
Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
And the moon is full and bright.
		-- The Wolf Man, 1941
%
Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
A fairer summer and a later fall
Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
I tell you this across the blackened vine.
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
		   Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
%
Ever Onward!  Ever Onward!
That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
We're big but bigger we will be,
We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
Has been our aim.
Our products now are known in every zone.
Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
We've fought our way thru
And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
For the Ever Onward IBM!
		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
%
Ever since I was a young boy,
I've hacked the ARPA net,
From Berkeley down to Rutgers,		He's on my favorite terminal,
Any access I could get,			He cats C right into foo,
But ain't seen nothing like him,	His disciples lead him in,
On any campus yet,			And he just breaks the root,
That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,		Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
Sure sends a mean packet.		Never uses lint,
					That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
					Sure sends a mean packet.
He's a UNIX wizard,
There has to be a twist.
The UNIX wizard's got			Ain't got no distractions,
Unlimited space on disk.		Can't hear no whistles or bells,
How do you think he does it?		Can't see no message flashing,
I don't know.				Types by sense of smell,
What makes him so good?			Those crazy little programs,
					The proper bit flags set,
					That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
					Sure sends a mean packet.
		-- UNIX Wizard
%
Every love's the love before
In a duller dress.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
%
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Every night my prayers I say,
	And get my dinner every day;
And every day that I've been good,
	I get an orange after food.
The child that is not clean and neat,
	With lots of toys and things to eat,
He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
	Or else his dear papa is poor.
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
Everybody knows that the dice are loaded.  Everybody rolls with their
fingers crossed.  Everybody knows the war is over.  Everybody knows the
good guys lost.  Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
poor, the rich get rich.  That's how it goes.  Everybody knows.

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking.  Everybody knows the captain
lied.  Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
just died.

Everybody talking to their pockets.  Everybody wants a box of chocolates
and long stem rose.  Everybody knows.

Everybody knows that you love me, baby.  Everybody knows that you really
do.  Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
two.  Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
you just had to meet without your clothes.  And everybody knows.

And everybody knows it's now or never.  Everybody knows that it's me or you.
And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
for you ribbons and bows.  And everybody knows.
	-- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
%
Everything's great in this good old world;
(This is the stuff they can always use.)
God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
%
Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
Everyone is looking for the answer,
Well look again.
		-- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
%
F:	When into a room I plunge, I
	Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
	Then I linger, darkly brooding
	On the poison they're exuding.
		-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
		-- Su Tung-p'o
%
Farewell we call to hearth and hall!
Though wind may blow and rain may fall,
We must away ere break of day
Far over wood and mountain tall.

	To Rivendell, where Elves yet dwell
	In glades beneath the misty fell,
	Through moor and waste we ride in haste,
	And whither then we cannot tell.

With foes ahead, behind us dread,
Beneath the sky shall be our bed,
Until at last our toil be passed,
Our journey done, our errand sped.

	We must away!  We must away!
	We ride before the break of day!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadroped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
	-- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
%
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
		-- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
%
Fifty flippant frogs
Walked by on flippered feet
And with their slime they made the time
Unnaturally fleet.
%
Finality is death.
Perfection is finality.
Nothing is perfect.
There are lumps in it.
%
Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
Yes, I'm goin' insane,
And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
	Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
	Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
	Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
Yes, and goin' insane,
You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
(chorus)
		-- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
%
Flying saucers on occasion
	Show themselves to human eyes.
Aliens fume, put off invasion
	While they brand these tales as lies.
%
"For a couple o' pins," says Troll, and grins,
"I'll eat thee too, and gnaw thy shins.
A bit o' fresh meat will go down sweet!
I'll try my teeth on thee now.
	Hee now!  See now!
I'm tired o' gnawing old bones and skins;
I've a mind to dine on thee now."

But just as he thought his dinner was caught,
He found his hands had hold of naught.
Before he could mind, Tom slipped behing
And gave him the boot to larn him.
	Warn him!  Darn him!
A bump o' the boot on the seat, Tom thoguht,
Would be the way to larn him.

But harder than stone is the flesh and bone
Of a troll that sits in the hills alone.
As well set your boot to the mountain's root,
For the seat of a troll don't feel it.
	Peel it!  Heal it!
Old Troll laughed, when he heard Tom groan,
And he knew his toes could feel it.

Tom's leg is game, since home he came,
And his bootless foot is lasting lame;
But Troll don't care, and he's still there
With the bone he boned from its owner.
	Doner!  Boner!
Troll's old seat is still the same,
And the bone he boned from its owner!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
For gin, in cruel
Sober truth,
Supplies the fuel
For flaming youth.
		-- Noel Coward
%
For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
And no quarrel a knight ought to take
But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
		-- Stephen Hawes
%
"Force is but might," the teacher said--
"That definition's just."
The boy said naught but thought instead,
Remembering his pounded head:
"Force is not might but must!"
%
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" [or "Not so Deep as a Well"?]
%
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; 
so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- 
for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
%
From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
		-- Swinburne
%
Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
		-- Dylan Thomas [paraphrased periphrastically]
%
Get out, you old Wight!  Vanish in the sunlight!
Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,
Out into the barren lands far beyond the mountains!
Come never here again!  Leave your barrow empty!
Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,
Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):

'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
Snatch them from their little housies (...)
First we chase them 'round the field (...)
Then we have them for a meal (...)

Toss them here and catch them there (...)
See them flying through the air (...)
Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
Falling mice have great appeal (...)

See the hunter stretched before us (...)
He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
Of the blood of little critters (...)
%
Gil-galad was an Elven-king.
Of him the harpers sadly sing:
the last whose realm was fair and free
between the Mountains and the Sea.

His sword was long, his lance was keen,
his shining helm afar was seen;
the countless stars of heaven's field
were mirrored in his silver shield.

But long ago he rode away,
and where he dwelleth none can say;
for into darkness fell his star
in Mordor where the shadows are.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
But if you split those atoms fine,
    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!

Gimme zits, take my dough,
    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
		-- Milo Bloom, "The Split-Atom Blues," in "Bloom County"
%
Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
		-- George Canning
%
Give me your students, your secretaries,
Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
I lift my disk beside the processor.
		-- Inscription on a Word Processor
%
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss -- and when.
Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

	You are a fluke of the universe ...
	You have no right to be here.
	Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
	Is laughing behind your back.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
God rest ye CS students now,		The bearings on the drum are gone,
Let nothing you dismay.			The disk is wobbling, too.
The VAX is down and won't be up,	We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Until the first of May.			Can't tell false from true.
The program that was due this morn,	And now we find that we can't get
Won't be postponed, they say.		At Berkeley's 4.2.
(chorus)				(chorus)

We've just received a call from DEC,	And now some cheery news for you,
They'll send without delay		The network's also dead,
A monitor called RSuX			We'll have to print your files on
It takes nine hundred K.		The line printer instead.
The staff committed suicide,		The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
We'll bury them today.			And only cards are read.
(chorus)				(chorus)

And now we'd like to say to you		CHORUS:	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
Before we go away,				Comfort and joy,
We hope the news we've brought to you		Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
Won't ruin your whole day.
You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
(chorus)
		-- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
%
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
Hear him whip the women, just around midnight

Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should

Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
House boy knows that he's doing alright
You should a heard him just around midnight.
...
I bet your mama was tent show queen
And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
I'm no school boy but I know what I like
You should have heard me just around midnight.
		-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
%
Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
I went out for a ride and never came back.
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.

	Everybody's got a hungry heart.
	Everybody's got a hungry heart.
	Lay down your money and you play your part,
	Everybody's got a hungry heart.

I met her in a Kingstown bar,
We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
Now here I am down in Kingstown again.

Everybody needs a place to rest,
Everybody wants to have a home.
Don't make no difference what nobody says,
Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
		-- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
%
Graphics blind the eyes.
Audio files deafen the ear.
Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
Heuristics weaken the mind.
Options wither the heart.

The Guru observes the net 
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is as open as the ether.
%
H:	If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
	Slice him up before he slays you.
	Nothing makes you look a slob
	Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
		-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
	Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
may be in Science.  As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results.  And listen to others,
even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers.  Avoid loud and
aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
	If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
	Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
bugs.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations.  Strive for
proportionality.  Especially, do not faint when it occurs.  Neither be cyclical
about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
	Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points.  Gracefully pass
them on to the youth at the next desk.  Nurture some mutual funds to shield
you in times of sudden layoffs.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings
-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly.  Murphy's Law runs the
Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
	Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
can conceive of to try.  With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary.  Be linear.  Strive
to stay employed.
		-- Technolorata, "Analog"
%
"Had he and I but met
By some old ancient inn,		But ranged as infantry,
We should have sat us down to wet	And staring face to face,
Right many a nipperkin!			I shot at him as he at me,
					And killed him in his place.
I shot him dead because --
Because he was my foe,			He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
Just so: my foe of course he was;	Off-hand-like -- just as I --
That's clear enough; although		Was out of work -- had sold his traps
					No other reason why.
Yes; quaint and curious war is!
You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is
Or help to half-a-crown."
		-- Thomas Hardy
%
Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity.  See?
But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
%
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
		-- Pink Floyd
%
		Hard Copies and Chmod

And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
cold diskdrives hardware monitors
user-hostile software 

of course they're only bits and bytes 
and characters and strings 
and files

just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
telling me he loves me and
he'll take care of me

simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
deep intimate secrets and
how he doesn't trust me

couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
on personal stationery
		-- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
%
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.

Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
halfway between an oven and a pasture?
walking in a trance toward a pregnant
	seventeen-year-old housewife's
	two-day-old cookbook?
		-- Richard Brautigan
%
Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
Like some bright erotic star,
He lights up the proceedings,
And raises the temperature.
		-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
%
Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.

How can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand
Lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind...

Have you seen the old man outside the sea-man's mission
Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
%
Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
...
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
Or umberellas, in their mitts,
Puttin' on the Ritz.
...
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
%
He heard there oft the flying sound
Of feet as light as linden-leaves,
Of music welling underground,
In hidden hollows quavering.
Now withered lay the hemlock-sheaves,
And one by one with sighing sound
Whispering fell the beechen leaves
In the wintry woodland wavering.

He sought her ever, wandering far
Where leaves of years were thickly strewn,
By light of moon and ray of star
In frosty heavens shivering.
Her mantle glinted in the moon,
As on a hill-top high and far
She danced, and at her feet was strewn
A mist of silver quivering.

When winter passed, she came again,
And her song released the sudden spring,
Like rising lark, and falling rain,
And melting water bubbling.
He saw the elven-flowers spring
About her feet, and healed again
He longed by her to dance and sing
Upon the grass untroubling.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
He thought he saw an albatross
That fluttered 'round the lamp.
He looked again and saw it was
A penny postage stamp.
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
"The nights are rather damp."
%
He who invents adages for others to peruse
takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
%
He who loses, wins the race,
And parallel lines meet in space.
		-- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
%
He's been like a father to me,
He's the only DJ you can get after three,
I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
And why he don't like me I don't understand.
		-- The Byrds
%
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
%
Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
I've been caught inside this trap too many times
I must've walked these steps and said these words a
	thousand times before
It seems like I know everybody's lines.
		-- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
%
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
All logged in, but work unstarted.
First net.this and net.that,
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.

The boss comes by, and I play the game,
Then I turn back to net.flame.
Is there a cure (I need your views),
For someone trapped in net.news?

I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
%
Here in my heart, I am Helen;
	I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
	I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;
	Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
	With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.

I'm all of the glamorous ladies
	At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
	So I stay at home with a book.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
NO LES
NO MOORE
		-- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
%
Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow!
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Hey! Come derry dol!  Hop along, my hearties!
Hobbits!  Ponies all!  We are fond of parties.
Now let the fun begin!  Let us sing together!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Hey! Come merry dol! derry dol!  My darling!
Light goes the weather-wind and the feathered starling.

Down along under Hill, shining in the sunlight,
Waiting on the doorstep for the cold starlight,
There my pretty lady is, River-woman's daughter,
Slender as the willow-wand, clearer than the water.

Old Tom Bombadil water-lilies bringing
Comes hopping home again.  Can you hear him singing?
Hey!  Come merry dol! derry dol! and merry-o
Goldberry, Goldberry, merry yellow berry-o!

Poor old Willow-man, you tuck your roots away!
Tom's in a hurry now.  Evening will follow day.
Tom's going home again water-lilies bringing.
Hey! come derry dol!  Can you hear me singing?
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Hey! now!  Come hoy now!  Whither do you wander?
Up, down, near or far, here, there or yonder?
Sharp-ears, Wise-nose, Swish-tail and Bumpkin,
White-socks my little lad, and old Fatty Lumpkin!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
To get a little more stack;
If that's not enough then you lose it all
And have to pop all the way back.
%
Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
The others escaped with minor injuries.
%
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,	Here lies a man with sundry flaws
Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.	And numerous Sins upon his head;
					We buried him today because
					As far as we can tell, he's dead.

		-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
		   Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher;
		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
%
Higgeldy Piggeldy,
Hamlet of Elsinore
Ruffled the critics by
Dropping this bomb:
"Phooey on Freud and his
Psychoanalysis --
Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
I just love Mom."
%
...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
		-- The Who, "Tommy"
%
History is curious stuff
	You'd think by now we had enough
Yet the fact remains I fear
	They make more of it every year.
%
Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
Pour my black old coffee longer,
While that smell is gettin' stronger
A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.

Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
The Lord'll bless your sharin'
A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.

And let me halfway fall in love,
For part of a lonely night,
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
		-- Elroy Blunt
%
Ho! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I go
To heal my heart and drown my woe.
Rain may fall and wind may blow,
And many miles be still to go,
But under a tall tree I will lie,
And let the clouds go sailing by.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!
By water, wood and hill, by reed and willow,
By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!
Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Hop along my little friends, up the Withywindle!
Tom's going on ahead candles for to kindle.
Down west sinks the Sun; soon you will be groping.
When the night-shadows fall, then the door will open,
Out of the winfow-panes light will twinkle yellow.
Fear no alder black!  Heed no hoary willow!
Fear neither root nor bough!  Tom goes on before you.
Hey now! merry dol!  We'll be waiting for you!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
		-- Pink Floyd
%
How doth the little crocodile
	Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
	On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
	How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
	With gently smiling jaws!
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
How doth the VAX's C-compiler
	Improve its object code.
And even as we speak does it
	Increase the system load.

How patiently it seems to run
	And spit out error flags,
While users, with frustration, all
	Tear their clothes to rags.
%
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
All the king's horses,
And all the king's men,
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
%
I always will remember --		I was in no mood to trifle;
'Twas a year ago November --		I got down my trusty rifle
I went out to shoot some deer		And went out to stalk my prey --
On a morning bright and clear.		What a haul I made that day!
I went and shot the maximum		I tied them to my bumper and
The game laws would allow:		I drove them home somehow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters,	Two game wardens, seven hunters,
And a cow.				And a cow.

The Law was very firm, it		People ask me how I do it
Took away my permit--			And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
The worst punishment I ever endured.	You just stand there lookin' cute,
It turns out there was a reason:	And when something moves, you shoot."
Cows were out of season, and		And there's ten stuffed heads
One of the hunters wasn't insured.	In my trophy room right now:
					Two game wardens, seven hunters,
					And a pure-bred guernsey cow.
		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
%
I am changing my name to Chrysler
I am going down to Washington, D.C.
I will tell some power broker
	What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!

I am changing my name to Chrysler,
I am heading for that great receiving line.
When they hand a million grand out,
	I'll be standing with my hand out,
Yessir, I'll get mine!
%
I B M
U B M
We all B M
For I B M!!!!
		-- H.A.R.L.I.E.
%
I can live without
Someone I love
But not without
Someone I need.
		-- "Safety"
%
I can see him a'comin'
With his big boots on,
With his big thumb out,
He wants to get me.
He wants to hurt me.
He wants to bring me down.
But some time later,
When I feel a little straighter,
I'll come across a stranger
Who'll remind me of the danger,
And then.... I'll run him over.
Pretty smart on my part!
To find my way... In the dark!
		-- Phil Ochs
%
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
		-- Joe Walsh
%
I don't know what Descartes' got,
But booze can do what Kant cannot.
		-- Mike Cross
%
I don't need no arms around me...
I don't need no drugs to calm me...
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need anything at all.
No!  Don't think I need anything at all!
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
		-- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
%
I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
But there will definitely be a party tonight...
%
I don't want a pickle,
	I just wanna ride on my motorsickle.
And I don't want to die,
	I just want to ride on my motorcy.
Cle.
		-- Arlo Guthrie
%
I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.

How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
How can there be a building, that has no floor?
How can there be a program, that has no end?
How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?

An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
%
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.
		-- Pete Seeger
%
I had an errand there: gathering water-lilies,
green leaves and lilies white to please my pretty lady,
the last ere the year's end to keep them from the winter,
to flower by her pretty feet till the snows are melted.

Each year at summer's end I go to find them for her,
in a wide pool, deep and clear, far down Withywindle;
there they open first in spring and there they linger latest.

By that pool long ago I found the River-daughter,
fair young Goldberry sitting in the rushes.
Sweet was her singing then, and her heart was beating!

And that proved well for you--for now I shall no longer
go down deep again along the forest-water,
no while the year is old.  Nor shall I be passing
Old Man Willow's house this side of spring-time,
not till the merry spring, when the River-daughter
dances down the withy-path to bathe in the water.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
		-- R.L. Stevenson
%
I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres
Which still grates on 
Some people's n'oeuvres.
		-- Warren Knox
%
I have lots of things in my pockets;
None of them is worth anything.
Sociopolitical whines aside,
Gan you give me, gratis, free,
The price of half a gallon
Of Gallo extra bad
And most of the bus fare home.
%
I have no doubt the Devil grins,
As seas of ink I spatter.
Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
The other kind don't matter.
		-- Robert W. Service
%
I have that old biological urge,
I have that old irresistible surge,
I'm hungry.
%
I knew Leo G. Carrol
Was over a barrel
When Tarantula took to the hills.	["Lick it!"]
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.

Science fiction, double feature
Doctor X will build a creature.
See androids fighting Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show.
		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
I know if you been talkin' you done said
just how suprised you wuz by the living dead.
You wuz suprised that they could understand you words
and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
But don't you get square!
There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
%
I lately lost a preposition;
It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
Up from out of under there."

Correctness is my vade mecum,
And straggling phrases I abhor,
And yet I wondered, "What should he come
Up from out of under for?"
		-- Morris Bishop
%
I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
Waitin' for the double E.
The railroad don't run no more.
Poor poor pitiful me.			[chorus]
	Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
	These young girls won't let me be,
	Lord have mercy on me!
	Woe is me!

Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
Well, I ain't naming names.
But she really worked me over good,
She was just like Jesse James.
She really worked me over good,
She was a credit to her gender.
She put me through some changes, boy,
Sort of like a Waring blender.		[chorus]

I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
She asked me if I'd beat her.
She took me back to the Hyatt House,
I don't want to talk about it.		[chorus]
		-- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
%
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
	S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
		-- Weird Al Yankovic, "The Star Wars Song," to the tune of
		   "Lola" by the Kinks
%
I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
		-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
%
I never saw a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But I can tell you anyhow
I'd rather see than be one.
		-- Gellett Burgess

I've never seen a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But from the milk we're getting now
There certainly must be one
		-- Odgen Nash

Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"   
I'm sorry now I wrote it
But I can tell you anyhow
I'll kill you if you quote it.
		-- Gellett Burgess, many years later
%
I owe, I owe,
It's off to work I go...
%
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
%
"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
		-- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
%
I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
'Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this,
I accosted the man,
"It is futile," I said.
"You can never--"
"You lie!" He cried,
and ran on.
		-- Stephen Crane
%
I see a bad moon rising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin'
I see bad times today.
Don't go 'round tonight,
It's bound to take your life.
There's a bad moon on the rise.
		-- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
%
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
I sent a letter to the fish,		I said it very loud and clear,
I told them, "This is what I wish."	I went and shouted in his ear.
The little fishes of the sea,		But he was very stiff and proud,
They sent an answer back to me.		He said "You needn't shout so loud."
The little fishes' answer was		And he was very proud and stiff,
"We cannot do it, sir, because..."	He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
I sent a letter back to say		I took a kettle from the shelf,
It would be better to obey.		I went to wake them up myself.
But someone came to me and said		But when I found the door was locked
"The little fishes are in bed."		I pulled and pushed and kicked and
						knocked,
I said to him, and I said it plain	And when I found the door was shut,
"Then you must wake them up again."	I tried to turn the handle, But...

	"Is that all?" asked Alice.
	"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
%
I sent a message to another time,
But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
I sent a message to another plane,
Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
...
I met someone who looks at lot like you,
She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
She's only programmed to be very nice,
But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
She tells me that she likes me very much,
But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
...
I realize that it must seem so strange,
That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
		-- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
%
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet,		A posted message called me rotten
But seven people gave me hell		For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
And said I ought to learn to spell;	An angry message asked me, Please
					Don't send such drivel overseas;
A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --	One netter thought it was a hoax:
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem		"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
And failed to add the T and M;		Another called my grammar vile
					And criticized my writing style.
Each day I scan each Subject line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet...
		-- Ed Nather
%
I stood on the leading edge,
The eastern seaboard at my feet.
"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
Go on and give it a try,
Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
		-- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
%
I think that I shall never hear
A poem lovelier than beer.
The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
With golden base and snowy cap.
The stuff that I can drink all day
Until my mem'ry melts away.
Poems are made by fools, I fear
But only Schlitz can make a beer.
%
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
I think that I shall never see
A thing as lovely as a tree.
But as you see the trees have gone
They went this morning with the dawn.
A logging firm from out of town
Came and chopped the trees all down.
But I will trick those dirty skunks
And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
%
"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
They had so much in common, you'd say.
They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
And prompts that were cute or risque'.
He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
She sent one from some past high school day,
And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
If they hadn't met in L.A.
"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
If you were not so totally weird!"
If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
And he had not done just the same,
They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
And would not have had fun with the game.
		-- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
		Electronic Mail"
%
I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
	No more, Mr. Clean,
	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
They say "He's sick, he's obscene".

My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
And punched me in the nose, he said,
(chorus)
He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
		-- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
%
I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
Trouble I love and peace I despise
Wild horses kicked me in my side
Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
		-- Bo Diddley
%
I was eatin' some chop suey,
With a lady in St. Louie,
When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
Roll this rocker out some money,
Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
		-- Mr. Miggle
%
I went home with a waitress,
The way I always do.
How I was I to know?
She was with the Russians too.

I was gambling in Havana,
I took a little risk.
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
Dad, get me out of this.
		-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
%
I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
He said "Nothin'."
Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
As if you just squashed a cop.
		-- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
%
I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
		-- Shel Silverstein, "Hug o' War"
%
I woke up a feelin' mean
went down to play the slot machine
the wheels turned round,
and the letters read
"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
		-- Grateful Dead
%
I would like to know
What I was fencing in
And what I was fencing out.
		-- Robert Frost
%
I'd never cry if I did find
	A blue whale in my soup...
Nor would I mind a porcupine
	Inside a chicken coop.
Yes life is fine when things combine,	
	Like ham in beef chow mein...
But lord, this time I think I mind,
	They've put acid in my rain.
		      --- Milo Bloom
%
I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
Than cry with the saints,
The sinners are much more fun!
		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
%
I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.

Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.

I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
I play just what I feel.
Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
And die behind the wheel.
They got a name for the winners in the world,
I want a name when I lose.
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
Call me Deacon Blues.
		-- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
%
I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
		-- Pink Floyd
%
I'm an artist.
But it's not what I really want to do.
What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
I know what you're going to say --
"Dreamer!  Get your head out of the clouds."
All right!  But it's what I want to do.
Instead I have to go on painting all day long.

The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
		-- J. Feiffer
%
I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
		-- The Who
%
I'm just as sad as sad can be!
	I've missed your special date.
Please say that you're not mad at me
	My tax return is late.
		-- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
%
i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
living apart.
		-- e. e. cummings
%
I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
She's traversed me seven times before.
And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
N-ary the tree I am, I am,
N-ary the tree I am.
		-- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
%
I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
		-- Song title by Stephen Bishop.

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
		-- Song title by Jerry Reed.

When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
		-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.

I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
		-- Unattributed song title.

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
		-- Unattributed song title.
%
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
		-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
%
I've been on this lonely road so long,
Does anybody know where it goes,
I remember last time the signs pointed home,
A month ago.
		-- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
%
I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.

I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

		-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
		   "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
		   by Gilbert & Sullivan)
%
I've finally found the perfect girl,
I couldn't ask for more,
She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
And owns a liquor store.
%
I/O, I/O,
It's off to disk I go,
A bit or byte to read or write,
I/O, I/O, I/O...
%
Iam
not
very
happy
acting
pleased
whenever
prominent
scientists
overmagnify
intellectual
enlightenment
%
IBM had a PL/I,
	Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
	It was a total loss.
%
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
... it expects what never was and never will be.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
If a system is administered wisely,
its users will be content.
They enjoy hacking their code
and don't waste time implementing
labor-saving shell scripts.
Since they dearly love their accounts,
they aren't interested in other machines.
There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
but these don't access any hosts.
There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
but nobody ever uses them.
People enjoy reading their mail,
take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
spend weekends working at their terminals,
delight in the doings at the site.
And even though the next system is so close
that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
they are content to die of old age
without ever having gone to see it.
%
If all be true that I do think,
There be five reasons why one should drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
%
If all the seas were ink,
And all the reeds were pens,
And all the skies were parchment,
And all the men could write,
These would not suffice
To write down all the red tape
Of this Government. 
%
If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
		-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
%
If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer.....

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, 
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, 
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, 
then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?  What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, 
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, 
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, 
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your rom.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

		-- DementDJ@ccip.perkin-elmer.com (DementDJ) [rec.humor.funny]
%
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell,
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstore sells,
When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me,
Heroes often fail,
You won't read that book again, because
	the ending is just too hard to take.

I walk away, like a movie star,
Who gets burned in a three way script,
Enter number two,
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me,
But for now, love, let's be real
I never thought I could act this way,
And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
And I just can't get it back...
		-- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
%
If I could stick my pen in my heart,
I would spill it all over the stage.
Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
Would you think the boy was strange?
Ain't he strange?
...
If I could stick a knife in my heart,
Suicide right on the stage,
Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
Would it help to ease the pain?
Ease your brain?
		-- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
%
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
		-- Alan Parsons Project
%
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
		-- Bert Whitney
%
If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...

Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
Eating components of soured milk.
On at least one occasion,
	along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
Or at least in her vicinity,
And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
		-- Ann Melugin Williams
%
If she had not been cupric in her ions,
Her shape ovoidal,
Their romance might have flourished.
But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
His ions ferric,
Love could not help but die,
Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
%
If you had just a minute to breathe,
And they granted you one final wish,
Would you ask for something
Like another chance?
		-- Traffic, "The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys"
%
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 
	Or some joker who is slicker,
	Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
%
If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
As well as by traffic and crime,
Consider how worry-free gophers are,
Though living on burrowed time.
	-- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
%
Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
	Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
	Et le m^omerade horgrave.

Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
	Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
A stately pleasure dome decree,
Where /bin, the sacred river ran
Through Test Suites measureless to Man
Down to a sunless C.
%
In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
Find the fun and snap!  The job's a game.
And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
	a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
		-- Mary Poppins
%
In high school in Brooklyn
I was the baseball manager,
proud as I could be
I chased baseballs,
gathered thrown bats
handed out the towels			Eventually, I bought my own
It was very important work		but it was dark blue while
for a small spastic kid,		the official ones were green
but I was a team member			Nobody ever said anything
When the team got			to me about my blue jacket;
their warm-up jackets			the guys were my friends
I didn't get one			Yet it hurt me all year
Only the regular team			to wear that blue jacket
got these jackets, and			among all those green ones
surely not a manager			Even now, forty years after,
					I still recall that jacket
					and the memory goes on hurting.
		-- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
%
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
In the dimestores and bus stations
People talk of situations
Read books repeat quotations
Draw conclusions on the wall.
		-- Bob Dylan
%
In the early morning queue,
With a listing in my hand.
With a worry in my heart,	There on terminal number 9,
Waitin' here in CERAS-land.	Pascal run all set to go.
I'm a long way from sleep,	But I'm waitin' in the queue,
How I miss a good meal so.	With this code that ever grows.
In the early mornin' queue,	Now the lobby chairs are soft,
With no place to go.		But that can't make the queue move fast.
				Hey, there it goes my friend,
				I've moved up one at last.
		-- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
		   Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
%
In the land of the dark the Ship of the
Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
		-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
%
In this vale
Of toil and sin
Your head grows bald
But not your chin.
		-- Burma Shave
%
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forest ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
		-- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
%
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
%
Into love and out again,
	Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
	Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
	All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
	Someone dropped me on my head?
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
%
It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind starts and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.
%
It hangs down from the chandelier
Nobody knows quite what it does
Its color is odd and its shape is weird
It emits a high-sounding buzz

It grows a couple of feet each day
and wriggles with sort of a twitch
Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
a visiting uncle who's rich!
		-- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
%
It happened long ago
In the new magic land
The Indians and the buffalo    
Existed hand in hand
The Indians needed food
They need skins for a roof
The only took what they needed
And the buffalo ran loose
But then came the white man
With his thick and empty head
He couldn't see past his billfold
He wanted all the buffalo dead
It was sad, oh so sad.
		-- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
%
It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
		-- Proverbs 19:2
%
It used to be the fun was in
The capture and kill.
In another place and time
I did it all for thrills.
		-- Lust to Love
%
It was one time too many
One word too few
It was all too much for me and you
There was one way to go
Nothing more we could do
One time too many
One word too few
		-- Meredith Tanner
%
It's faster horses,
Younger women,
Older whiskey and
More money.
		-- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
%
It's gonna be alright,
It's almost midnight,
And I've got two more bottles of wine.
%
It's just a jump to the left
	And then a step to the right.
Put your hands on your hips
	And pull your knees in tight.
It's the pelvic thrust
	That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane

	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
		-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
It's just apartment house rules,
So all you 'partment house fools
Remember:  one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
		-- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
%
It's Like This

Even the samurai
have teddy bears,
and even the teddy bears
get drunk.
%
It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
		-- Tom Lehrer, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
%
It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
	just to see if it's real,
Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
		-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
%
John			Dame May		Oscar
Was Gay			Was Whitty		Was Wilde
But Gerard Hopkins	But John Greenleaf	But Thornton
Was Manley		Was Whittier		Was Wilder
		-- Willard Espy
%
John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
		-- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
%
Just a song before I go,		Going through security
To whom it may concern,			I held her for so long.
Traveling twice the speed of sound	She finally looked at me in love,
It's easy to get burned.		And she was gone.
When the shows were over		Just a song before I go,
We had to get back home,		A lesson to be learned.
And when we opened up the door		Traveling twice the speed of sound
I had to be alone.			It's easy to get burned.
She helped me with my suitcase,
She stands before my eyes,
Driving me to the airport
And to the friendly skies.
		-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
%
Just machines to make big decisions,
Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
We'll be clean when their work is done,
We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
What a beautiful world this will be,
What a glorious time to be free.
		-- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
%
`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
	As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
	By a finger entwined in his hair.

'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
	That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
	What I tell you three times is true.'
%
`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
	As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
	By a finger entwined in his hair.

`Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
	That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
	What I tell you three times is true.'
%
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
Just can't remember who to send it to...

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
But I always thought that I'd see you again.
Thought I'd see you one more time again.
		-- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
%
K:	Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
	Cobol's wordy and confining;
	KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
	Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
		-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
With silent lips.  Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
		-- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
%
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Ether!  (ether who?)  Ether Bunny... Yea!
[chorus]
	Yeay!
	Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
	Stay on the Happy side of life!
	Bum bum bum bum bum bum
	You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
	So Stay on the Happy Side of life!

Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Anna!  (anna who?)
	An another ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Stilla!  (stilla who?)
	Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Yetta!  (yetta who?)
	Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Cargo!  (cargo who?)
	Cargo beep beep and run over ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Boo!  (boo who?)
	Don't Cry!  Ether bunny be back next year! [chorus]
%
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you of something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
There will be a convention held in the
Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
Admission is free, pay at the door,
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
It was a summer's day in winter,
And the snow was raining fast,
As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
Stood sitting in the grass.
Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
Three blind men to see fair play,
Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and arrested those two dead boys.
%
Ladles and Jellyspoons!
I come before you to stand behind you,
To tell you something I know nothing about.
Since next Thursday will be Good Friday,
There will be a fathers' meeting, for mothers only.
Wear your best clothes, if you don't have any,
And please stay at home if you can possibly be there.
Admission is free, please pay at the door.
Have a seat on me: please sit on the floor.
No matter where you manage to sit,
The man in the balcony will certainly spit.
We thank you for your unkind attention,
And would now like to present our next act:
"The Four Corners of the Round Table."
%
Lady, lady, should you meet
One whose ways are all discreet,
One who murmurs that his wife
Is the lodestar of his life,
One who keeps assuring you
That he never was untrue,
Never loved another one...
Lady, lady, better run!
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
%
Ladybug, ladybug,
Look to your stern!
Your house is on fire,
Your children will burn!
So jump ye and sing, for
The very first time
The four lines above
Have been put into rhyme.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
Last night I met upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
Gee how I wish he'd go away!
%
Latin is a language,
As dead as can be.
First it killed the Romans,
And now it's killing me.
%
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments.  Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
%
Let us go then you and I
while the night is laid out against the sky
like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.

"Nice poem Tom.  I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
	-- Ezra
%
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
		-- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
%
Let us treat men and women well;
Treat them as if they were real;
Perhaps they are.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Life is like a tin of sardines.
We're, all of us, looking for the key.
		-- Beyond the Fringe
%
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
		-- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
%
Lift every voice and sing
Till earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise
High as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.

Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
Let us march on till victory is won.
		-- James Weldon Johnson
%
Lighten up, while you still can,
Don't even try to understand,
Just find a place to make your stand,
And take it easy.
		-- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
%
Like corn in a field I cut you down,
I threw the last punch way too hard,
After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
	And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
	I'm as low as a paid assassin is
	You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
	I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
	You know I can't think straight no more
	You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
		a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
		-- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
%
"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.

Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
in it he found that the damned things diverged.
		-- Piet Hein
%
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
Lisp Machine is Fun.
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
Fun for everyone.
%
Little Fly,
Thy summer's play		If thought is life
My thoughtless hand		And strength & breath,
Has brush'd away.		And the want
				Of thought is death,
Am not I
A fly like thee?		Then am I
Or art not thou			A happy fly
A man like me?			If I live
				Or if I die.

For I dance
And drink & sing,
Till some blind hand
Shall brush my wing.
		-- William Blake, "The Fly"
%
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
%
Logicians have but ill defined
As rational the human kind.
Logic, they say, belongs to man,
But let them prove it if they can.
		-- Oliver Goldsmith
%
Louie Louie, me gotta go
Louie Louie, me gotta go

Fine little girl she waits for me
Me catch the ship for cross the sea
Me sail the ship all alone		Three nights and days me sail the sea
Me never thinks me make it home		Me think of girl constantly
(chorus)				On the ship I dream she there
					I smell the rose in her hair
Me see Jamaica moon above		(chorus, guitar solo)
It won't be long, me see my love
I take her in my arms and then
Me tell her I never leave again
		-- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
%
Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
		-- Oscar Hammerstein II
%
Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
	seized this one for the fair form
	that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
	seized me so strongly with delight in him,
	that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
Love brought us to one death.
		-- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
%
Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man,
You, with your fresh thoughts
Care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name
Sorrow's springs are the same:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
		-- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
%
Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
[P]hud!  Bashe!  Crasch!  Beoom!  [D]e bigge gye
Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
		-- Not Chaucer, for certain
%
Most folks they like the daytime,
	'cause they like to see the shining sun.
They're up in the morning, 
	off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
But when the sun goes down,
	and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.

Now there are two sides to this great big world,
	and one of them is always night.
If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
	I guess you're gonna be all right.
Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
	My eyes just can't stand the light.

'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
		-- Carly Simon
%
Mummy dust to make me old;
To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
A blast of wind to fan my hate;
A thunderbolt to mix it well --
Now begin thy magic spell!
		-- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
%
My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
	But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
	To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.

And you know two heads are better than one.
%
My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
The height of its contents to see!
She lit a small match to assist her,
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
%
My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
	and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
	decimal points for the sake of precision.
Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
	I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
	arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
	over.
Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
	life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
%
My darling wife was always glum.
I drowned her in a cask of rum,
And so made sure that she would stay
In better spirits night and day.
%
My love runs by like a day in June,
	And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
	In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
	Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
	And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
		-- Dorothy Parker, part 3
%
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
	And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
	And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
	As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
	And I wish he were in Asia.
		-- Dorothy Parker, part 2
%
My My, hey hey
Rock and roll is here to stay	The king is gone but he's not forgotten
It's better to burn out		This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
Than to fade away		It's better to burn out than it is to rust
My my, hey hey			The king is gone but he's not forgotten

It's out of the blue and into the black		Hey hey, my my
They give you this, but you pay for that	Rock and roll can never die
And once you're gone you can never come back	There's more to the picture
When you're out of the blue			Than meets the eye
And into the black
		-- Neil Young
		"My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
%
"My name is Sue!  How do you do?!  Now you gonna die!"
Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes,
And he went down, but to my surprise,
Come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.
So I busted a chair right across his teeth,
And we crashed through the walls and into the streets,
Kickin' and a-gougin' in the mud and the blood and beer.
Now I tell you, I've fought tougher men,
But I really can't remember when:
He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.
But I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss,
And he went for his gun, but I pulled mine first,
And he sat there lookin' at me, and I saw him smile.
He said: "Son, this world is rough,
And if a man's gonna make it he's gotta be tough,
And I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along.
So I give you that name and I said goodbye,
And I knew you'd have to get tough or die,
And it's that name that's helped to make you strong!
		-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
%
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
	And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
	And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
	Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
	And I wish I'd never met him.
		-- Dorothy Parker, part 1
%
My pen is at the bottom of a page,
Which, being finished, here the story ends;
'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
		-- Byron
%
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
I do not like me anymore,
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
I ponder on the narrow house
I shudder at the thought of men
I'm due to fall in love again.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
%
Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
As on the land while here the ocean gains,
In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
The solid power of understanding fails;
Where beams of warm imagination play,
The memory's soft figures melt away.
		-- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
%
Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
On the Rue des Ecoles
lived an old man
with a blind dog
Every evening I would see him
guiding the dog along
the sidewalk, keeping
a firm grip on the leash
so that the dog wouldn't
run into a passerby
Sometimes the dog would stop
and look up at the sky
Once the old man
noticed me watching the dog
and he said, "Oh, yes,
this one knows
when the moon is out,
he can feel it on his face"
		-- Barry Gifford
%
Neuroses are red,
	Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
	What are you?
%
New York's got the ways and means;
Just won't let you be.
		-- The Grateful Dead
%
New York-- to that tall skyline I come
Flyin' in from London to your door
New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
Where they say you should not wander after dark.
New York.
		-- Simon and Garfunkle
%
Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
%
Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;

One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.
%
Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
And tapes without any tracks;
Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
And tapes mixed up on the racks --
	Take hold of the tape
	And pull off the strip,
	And then you'll be sure
	Your tape drive will skip.
		-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
%
No one likes us.
I don't know why.
We may not be perfect,			We give them money,
But heaven knows we try.		But are they grateful?
But all around,				No, they're spiteful,
Even our old friends put us down.	And they're hateful.
Let's drop the big one,			They don't respect us,
And see what happens.			So let's surprise them
					We'll drop the big one,
					And pulverize 'em.
Asia's crowded,
Europe's too old,
Africa is far too hot,			We'll save Australia.
And Canada's too cold.			Don't wanna hurt no kangaroos.
And South America stole our name	We'll build an All-American amusement
Let's drop the big one,				park there--
There'll be no one left to blame us.	They got surfin', too!

Boom! goes London,
And Boom! Paree.
More room for you,			Oh, how peaceful it'll be!
And more room for me,			We'll set everybody free!
And every city,				You'll wear a Japanese kimono, babe;
The whole world round,			There'll be Italian shoes for me!
Will just be another American town.	They all hate us anyhow,
					So, let's drop the big one now.
					Let's drop the big one now!
		-- Randy Newman, "Drop the Big One"
%
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
For this isn't really the norm.
But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
So what?  Any pork in a storm.

No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
Cast even more perils before swine.
%
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
	(refrain)
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
	(refrain)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
	(refrain)
Refrain:
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
%
"No program is perfect,"
They said with a shrug.
"The customer's happy--
What's one little bug?"

But he was determined,			Then change two, then three more,
The others went home.			As year followed year.
He dug out the flow chart		And strangers would comment,
Deserted, alone.			"Is that guy still here?"

Night passed into morning.		He died at the console
The room was cluttered			Of hunger and thirst
With core dumps, source listings.	Next day he was buried
"I'm close," he muttered.		Face down, nine edge first.

Chain smoking, cold coffee,		And his wife through her tears
Logic, deduction.			Accepted his fate.
"I've got it!" he cried,		Said "He's not really gone,
"Just change one instruction."		He's just working late."
		-- The Perfect Programmer
%
No rock so hard but that a little wave
May beat admission in a thousand years.
		-- Tennyson
%
No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
Finished his old Raven,
then he started his Old Crow.
%
No, his mind is not for rent
To any god or government.
Always hopeful, yet discontent,
He knows changes aren't permanent -
But change is.
%
Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
She got from trying to fight
Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
[...]
Well nothing that's real is ever for free
And you just have to pay for it sometime.
She said it before, she said it to me,
I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
But the same old four imaginary walls
She'd built for livin' inside
I said oh, you just can't mean it.
[...]
Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
The veil that covered her eyes,
I said oh, you can leave it.
		-- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
%
Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
%
Now I lay me back to sleep.
The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
If he should stop before I wake,
Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
		-- Anonymous
%
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
%
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!!  Mistake!!"
%
Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
And if I fail to learn this junk,
I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
But if I do, don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones in the study hall.
Tell my teacher I've done my best,
Then pile my books upon my chest.
%
Now it's time to say goodbye
To all our company...
M-I-C	(see you next week!)
K-E-Y	(Why?  Because we LIKE you!)
M-O-U-S-E.
%
Now let the song begin!  Let us sing together
Of sun, star, moon and mist, rain and cloudy weather,
Light on the budding leag, dew on the feather,
Wind on the open hill, bells on the heather,
Reeds by the shady pool, lilies on the water:
Old Tom Bombadil and the River-daughter!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Now of my threescore years and ten,
Twenty will not come again,
And take from seventy springs a score,
It leaves me only fifty more.

And since to look at things in bloom
Fifty springs are little room,
About the woodlands I will go
To see the cherry hung with snow.
		-- A.E. Housman
%
Now that day wearies me,
My yearning desire
Will receive more kindly,
Like a tired child, the starry night.

Hands, leave off your deeds,
Mind, forget all thoughts;
All of my forces
Yearn only to sink into sleep.

And my soul, unguarded,
Would soar on widespread wings,
To live in night's magical sphere
More profoundly, more variously.
		-- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
%
Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
What would they do if I made no landfall?"
		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
%
Now's the time to have some big ideas
Now's the time to make some firm decisions
We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
Talking politics and nuclear fission
We see him and he's all washed up --
Moving on into the body of a beetle
Getting ready for a long long crawl
He  ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...

Death and Money make their point once more
In the shape of Philosophical assassins
Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
Deadly angels for reality and passion
Have the courage of the here and now
Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
When you think you got it paid in full
You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
	We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
	We know his name and he mustn't get away.
	We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
	It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
		-- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
%
O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
%
O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
Might we not smash it to bits
And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
		-- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
%
O slender as a willow-wand!  O clearer than clear water!
O reed by the living pool!  Fair river-daughter!
O spring-time and summer-time, and spring again after!
O wind on the waterfall, and the leaves' laughter!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
O! Wanderers in the shadowed land
despair not!  For though dark they stand,
all woods there be must end at last,
and see the open sun go past:
the setting sun, the rising sun,
the day's end, or the day begun.
For east or west all woods must fail ...
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Observe yon plumed biped fine.
To activate its captivation,
Deposit on its termination,
A quantity of particles saline.
%
Of all the words of witch's doom
There's none so bad as which and whom.
The man who kills both which and whom
Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
		-- Fletcher Knebel
%
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
	When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
	With nothing whatever to grumble at!
%
Oh give me your pity!
I'm on a committee,			We attend and amend
Which means that from morning		And contend and defend
	to night,			Without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur,
We defer and demur,			We revise the agenda
And reiterate all of our thoughts.	With frequent addenda
					And consider a load of reports.

We compose and propose,
We suppose and oppose,			But though various notions
And the points of procedure are fun;	Are brought up as motions,
					There's terribly little gets done.

We resolve and absolve;
But we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us
To bring our committee
To end like this ditty,
Which stops with a period, thus.
		-- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
%
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
%
"Oh, 'Melia, my dear, this does everything crown!
Who could have supposed I should meet you in Town?
And whence such fair garments such prosperi-ty?"
"Oh, didn't you know I'd been ruined?" said she.

"You left us in tatters, without shoes or socks,
Tired of digging potatoes, and spudding up docks;
And now you've gay bracelets and bright feathers three!"
"Yes: That's how we dress when we're ruined," said she.

"At home in the barton you said `thee' and `thou,'
And `thik oon' and `theas oon' and `t'other;' but now
Your talking quite fits 'ee for compa-ny!"
"Some polish is gained with one's ruin," said she.

"Your hands were like paws then, your face blue and bleak
But now I'm bewitched by your delicate cheek,
And your little gloves fit like as on any la-dy!"
"We never do work when we're ruined," said she.

"You used to call home-life a hag-ridden dream,
And you'd sigh, and you'd sock; but at present you seem
To know not of megrims or melancho-ly!"
"True.  One's pretty lively when ruined," said she.

"I wish I had feathers, a fine sweeping gown,
And a delicate face, and could strut about Town!"
"My dear--a raw country girl, such as you be,
Cannot quite expect that.  You ain't ruined," said she.
		--Thomas Hardy
%
Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
		-- Pink Floyd
%
Oh, give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
%
Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
	Where the three-body problem is solved,
	Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
	And the cold virus never evolved.			(chorus)
We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
	Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
	Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
	And a kilogram weighs half a pound.			(chorus)
If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
	No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
	When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
	If we just find a big enough wrench.			(chorus)
I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
	And living up here is a bore.
	Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
	'Cause I'm moving next week to L4!			(chorus)

CHORUS:	Home, home on LaGrange,
	Where the space debris always collects,
	We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
	Solar power and zero-gee sex.
		-- to Home on the Range
%
Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
	I muck with indices and structs all day
And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
	Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
%
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of --
Wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence.
Hovering there
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up along delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
		-- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
%
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
%
Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
		-- The Smothers Brothers
%
Oh, when I was in love with you,
	Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
	How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
	And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
	Am quite myself again.
		-- A. E. Housman
%
Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
		-- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
%
Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
She had so many children,
She didn't know what to do.
So she moved to Atlanta.
%
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare
And so was her daughter, I guess...
%
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.
None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master:
His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
On a morning from a Bogart movie, in a country where they turned back time,
You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre contemplating a crime.
She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running like a watercolor in the rain.
Don't bother asking for explanations, she'll just tell you that she came
In the Year of the Cat.

She doesn't give you time for questions, as she locks up your arm in hers,
And you follow 'till your sense of which direction completely disappears.
By the blue-tiled walls near the market stall there's a hidden door she
    leads you to.
These days, she say, I feel my life just like a river running through
The Year of the Cat.

Well, she looks at you so coolly,
And her eyes shine like the moon in the sea.
She comes in incense and patchouli,
So you take her to find what's waiting inside
The Year of the Cat.

Well, morning comes and you're still with her, but the bus and the tourists
    are gone,
And you've thrown away your choice and lost your ticket, so you have to stay on.
But the drum-beat strains of the night remain in the rhythm of the new-born day.
You know some time you're bound to leave her, but for now you're going to stay
In the Year of the Cat.
		-- Al Stewart, "Year of the Cat"
%
On the good ship Enterprise
Every week there's a new surprise
Where the Romulans lurk
And the Klingons often go berserk.

Yes, the good ship Enterprise
There's excitement anywhere it flies
Where Tribbles play
And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.

	See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
	Mr. Spock is at his side.
	The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
	It gets fried, scattered far and wide.

It's the good ship Enterprise
Heading out where danger lies
And you live in dread
If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
	-- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics,
	   "The Good Ship Enterprise," to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop"
%
Once again dread deed is done.
Canon sleeps,
his all-knowing eye shaded
to human chance and circumstance.
Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
but Canon's sleep is troubled.

Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
Impatient hands wait eagerly
to grasp, to hold
scant moments of time
wrested from life in the full
glory of Canon's power;
held captive by his unblinking eye.

Three golden orbs stand watch;
one each to toll the day, hour, minute
until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
When that feared moment arives,
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee."
		-- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
		   Valley Pawn Shop today"
%
Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
	And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
But all they ever found was this:  "panic: never doubt",
	And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
When the day is done and the moon comes out,
And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
	Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
%
Once upon this midnight incoherent,
While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
Over many a broken and subordinate
Volume of gnarly lore,
While I pestered, nearly singing,
Sudddenly there came a hewing,
As of someone profusely skulking,
Skulking at my chamber door.
%
One bright Sunday morning, in the shadows of the steeple,
By the Relief Office, I seen my people;
As they stood there hungry, I stood there whistling,
This land was made for you and me.

Nobody living can ever stop me,
As I go walking that freedom highway;
Nobody living can ever make me turn back,
This land was made for you and me.

As I went walking, I saw a sign there,
And on the sign it said: "No Trespassing."
But on the other side, it didn't say nothing,
That side was made for you and me.
		-- Woody Guthrie, "This Land Is Your Land" (verses 4, 6, 7)
	[If you ever wondered why Arlo was so anti-establishment when his dad
	 wrote such wonderful patriotic songs, the answer is that you haven't
	 heard all of Woody's songs]
%
One day,
A mad meta-poet,
With nothing to say,
Wrote a mad meta-poem
That started: "One day,
A mad meta-poet,
With nothing to say,
Wrote a mad meta-poem
That started: "One day,
[...]
sort of close".
Were the words that the poet,
Finally chose,
To bring his mad poem,
To some sort of close".
Were the words that the poet,
Finally chose,
To bring his mad poem,
To some sort of close".
%
One good thing about music,
Well, it helps you feel no pain.
So hit me with music;
Hit me with music now.
		-- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
%
One pill makes you larger,		And if you go chasing rabbits
And one pill makes you small.		And you know you're going to fall.
And the ones that mother gives you,	Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Don't do anything at all.		Has given you the call.
Go ask Alice				Call Alice
When she's ten feet tall.		When she was just small.

When men on the chessboard		When logic and proportion
Get up and tell you where to go.	Have fallen sloppy dead,
And you've just had some kind of	And the White Knight is talking
	mushroom				backwards
And your mind is moving low.		And the Red Queen's lost her head
Go ask Alice				Remember what the dormouse said:
I think she'll know.				Feed your head.
						Feed your head.
						Feed your head.
		-- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
%
One reason why George Washington
Is held in such veneration:
He never blamed his problems
On the former Administration.
		-- George O. Ludcke
%
One thing about the past.
It's likely to last.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
One toke over the line,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
Waitin' for the train that goes home,
Hopin' that the train is on time,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
%
Other women cloy
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
Where most she satisfies.
		-- Antony and Cleopatra
%
Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be;
They are but broken lights of thee.
		-- Tennyson
%
Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
We their sons are more worthless than they:
so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Parsley
	 is gharsley.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Payeen to a Twang
Derrida
Ore-Ida
potato.

If you dared,
I'd ask you
to go dig
up your ides under brown-
tubered skies.

where pitchforked
you will ask
Derrida?
%
Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
She left me not knowing what to do.

Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...

Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
With knowing I got noone left to blame.
Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...

Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
		-- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
%
Piping down the valleys wild,
Piping songs of pleasant glee,
On a cloud I saw a child,
And he laughing said to me:
"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
So I piped with merry cheer.
"Piper, pipe that song again;"
So I piped: he wept to hear.
		-- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
%
Plagiarize, plagiarize,
Let no man's work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
Don't shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
Only be sure to call it research.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
Planet Claire has pink hair.
All the trees are red.
No one ever dies there.
No one has a head....
%
Please stand for the National Anthem:

	Australians all, let us rejoice,
	For we are young and free.
	We've golden soil and wealth for toil
	Our home is girt by sea.
	Our land abounds in nature's gifts
	Of beauty rich and rare.
	In history's page, let every stage
	Advance Australia Fair.
	In joyful strains then let us sing,
	Advance Australia Fair.

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
%
Please stand for the National Anthem:

	God save our Gracious Queen!
	Long live our Noble Queen!
	God save the Queen!
	Send her victorious,
	Happy and glorious,
	Long to reign o'er us!
	God save the Queen!

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
%
Please stand for the National Anthem:

	O Canada
	Our home and native land
	True patriot love
	In all thy sons' command
	With glowing hearts we see thee rise
	The true north strong and free
	From far and wide, O Canada
	We stand on guard for thee
	God keep our land glorious and free
	O Canada we stand on guard for thee
	O Canada we stand on guard for thee

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
%
Please stand for the National Anthem:

	Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
	What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
	Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
	O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
	And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
	Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
	Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
	O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
%
Power, like a desolating pestilence,
Pollutes whate'er it touches...
		-- Percy Bysshe Shelley
%
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate How.
		-- Frederick Winsor
%
	Proposed Country & Western Song Titles
I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
	Your Socks Outside-in
I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
		-- "Wordplay"
%
	Proposed Country & Western Song Titles
I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
	Breaking My Heart
Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
	With You Is the Pits
I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
		-- "Wordplay"
%
	Proposed Country & Western Song Titles
She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave
It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
%
Put another password in,
Bomb it out, then try again.
Try to get past logging in,
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.

Try his first wife's maiden name,
This is more than just a game.
It's real fun, but just the same,
It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
		-- To the tune of "Music, Music, Music?"
%
rain falls where clouds come
sun shines where clouds go
clouds just come and go
		-- Florian Gutzwiller
%
Razors pain you;
	Rivers are damp.
	Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;
	Nooses give.
	Gas smells awful--
You might as well live!
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
%
Reach into the thoughts of friends,
And find they do not know your name.
Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
And watch the feathers burst the seams.
Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
And feel its chill upon your blood.
Hold a candle to the night,
And see the darkness bend the flame.
Tear the mask of peace from God,
And hear the roar of souls in hell.
Pluck a rose in name of love,
And watch the petals curl and wilt.
Lean upon the western wind,
And know you are alone.
		-- Dru Mims
%
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
%
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Remember thee
Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
In this distracted globe.  Remember thee!
Yea, from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
That youth and observation copied there.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
%
Remove me from this land of slaves,
Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
Where every knave and fool is bought, 
Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
		-- Jonathan Swift
%
Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
	Roland the Thompson gunner...
His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
	Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
		-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
%
Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
		-- Elvis Costello
%
Roses are red;
	Violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
	And so am I.
%
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
	Is like being nowhere at all,
All through the day how the hours rush by,
	You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
		-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
%
Say it with flowers,
Or say it with mink,
But whatever you do,
Don't say it with ink!
		-- Jimmie Durante
%
Say many of cameras focused t'us,
Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
No justice, please, curse ye!
We really want mercy:
You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
		-- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
%
Say my love is easy had,
	Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
	Still behold me at your side.

Say I'm neither brave nor young,
	Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
	Still you have my heart to wear.

But say my verses do not scan,
	And I get me another man!
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
%
Say!  You've struck a heap of trouble--
Bust in business, lost your wife;
No one cares a cent about you,
You don't care a cent for life;
Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
Health is failing, wish you'd die--
Why, you've still the sunshine left you
And the big blue sky.
		-- R.W. Service
%
Science Fiction, Double Feature.
Frank has built and lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
The servants gone to a distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
		-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
To seek a shelter in some happier star?
Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
		-- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
%
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
%
Scratch the disks, dump the core,	Shut it down, pull the plug
Roll the tapes across the floor,	Give the core an extra tug
And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
Teletypes smashed to bits.		Mem'ry cards, one and all,
Give the scopes some nasty hits		Toss out halfway down the hall
And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
And we've also found			Just flip one switch
When you turn the power down,		And the lights will cease to twitch
You turn the disk readers into trash.	And the tape drives will crumble
						in a flash.
Oh, it's so much fun,			When the CPU
Now the CPU won't run			Can print nothing out but "foo,"
And the system is going to crash.	The system is going to crash.
		-- To the tune of "As the Caissons go Rolling Along"
%
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Seek for the Sword that was broken:
In Imladris it dwells;
There shall be counsels taken
Stronger than Morgul-spells.

There shall be shown a token
That Doom is near at hand,
For Isildur's Bane shall waken,
And the Halfling forth shall stand.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
She asked me, "What's your sign?"
I blinked and answered "Neon,"
I thought I'd blow her mind...
%
She blinded me with science!
%
She can kill all your files;
She can freeze with a frown.
And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
And she works on her code until ten after three.
She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
		-- Apologies to Billy Joel
%
She stood on the tracks
Waving her arms
Leading me to that third rail shock
Quick as a wink
She changed her mind

She gave me a night
That's all it was
What will it take until I stop
Kidding myself
Wasting my time

There's nothing else I can do
'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
I don't want anyone new
'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
There's nothing in it for you
'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
		-- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
%
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
%
Shift to the left,
Shift to the right,
Mask in, mask out,
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
%
Since I hurt my pendulum
My life is all erratic.
My parrot who was cordial
Is now transmitting static.
The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
The cat keeps doing poo.
The only thing that keeps me sane
Is talking to my shoe.
		-- My Shoe
%
Sing hey! for the bath at close of day
That washes the weary mud away!
A loon is he that will not sing:
O! Water Hot is a noble thing!

	O! Sweet is the sound of falling rain,
	and the brook that leaps from hill to plain;
	but better than rain or rippling streams
	is Water Hot that smokes and steams.

O! Water cold we may pour at need
down a thirsty throat and be glad indeed;
but better is Beer, if drink we lack,
and Water Hot poured down the back.

	O! Water is fair that leaps on high
	in a fountain white beneath the sky;
	but never did fountain sound so sweet
	as splashing Hot Water with my feet!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Snow-white!  Snow-white!  O Lady clear!
O Queen beyond the Western Sea!
O Light to us that wander here
Amid the world of woven trees!

	Gilthoniel!  O Elbereth!
	Clear are thy eyes and bright thy breath!
	Snow-white!  Snow-white!  We sing to thee
	In a far land beyond the Sea.

O stars that in the Sunless Year
With shining hand by her were sown,
In windy fields now bright and clear
We see you silver blossom blown!

	O Elbereth!  Gilthoniel!
	We still remember, we who dwell
	In this far land beneath the trees,
	Thy starlight on the Western Seas.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
So much
depends
upon
a red

wheel
barrow
glazed with

rain
water
beside
the white
chickens.
		-- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
%
So, you better watch out!
You better not cry!
You better not pout!
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming, to town.

He knows when you've been sleeping,
He know when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
He has ties with the CIA.
So...
%
So... so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Blue skies from pain?			Did they get you to trade
Can you tell a green field		Your heroes for ghosts?
From a cold steel rail?			Hot ashes for trees?
A smile from a veil?			Hot air for a cool breeze?
Do you think you can tell?		Cold comfort for change?
					Did you exchange
					A walk on part in a war
					For the lead role in a cage?
		-- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
%
Soldiers who wish to be a hero
Are practically zero,
But those who wish to be civilians,
They run into the millions.
%
Some of them want to use you,
Some of them want to be used by you,
...Everybody's looking for something.
		-- Eurythmics
%
Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction, ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
		-- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
%
Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
Either light up or leave me alone.
%
Sometimes I live in the country,
And sometimes I live in town.
And sometimes I have a great notion,
To jump in the river and drown.
%
Sometimes the light's all shining on me,
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me
What a long strange trip it's been.
		-- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
%
Speak roughly to your little boy,
	And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
	Because he knows it teases.
	Wow!  wow!  wow!

I speak severely to my boy,
	And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
	The pepper when he pleases!
	Wow!  wow!  wow!
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
	And boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
	Because the paging thrashes!
	Wow!  Wow!  Wow!

I speak severely to my VAX,
	And boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
	My jobs it always thrashes!
	Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
%
Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:

With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
Helpless users with projects due
Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!

Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla!
Oh, yes!  He's gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!"

* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation.
* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
		-- Curtis Jackson
%
Spring is here, spring is here,
Life is skittles and life is beer.
%
St. Patrick was a gentleman
who through strategy and stealth
drove all the snakes from Ireland.
Here's a toasting to his health --
but not too many toastings
lest you lose yourself and then
forget the good St. Patrick
and see all those snakes again.
%
Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,

And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
Though we really did try to make it,
Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...

It used to be so easy living here with you,
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.

There'll be good times again for me and you,
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...

But it's too late baby...
It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
		-- Carol King, "Tapestry"
%
Step back, unbelievers!
Or the rain will never come.
Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
But I swear to you, before this day is out,
	you folks are gonna see some rain!
%
Strange things are done to be number one
In selling the computer			The Druids were entrepreneurs,
IBM has their strategem			And they built a granite box
Which steadily grows acuter,		It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
And Honeywell competes like Hell,	And forecast the equinox
But the story's missing link		Their price was right, their future
Is the system old at Stonemenge sold		bright,
By the firm of Druids, Inc.		The prototype was sold;
					From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
					Would ship for Celtic gold.
The movers came to crate the frame;
It weighed a million ton!
The traffic folk thought it a joke	The man spoke true, and thus to you
(the wagon wheels just spun);		A warning from the ages;
"They'll nay sell that," the foreman	Your stock will slip if you can't ship
	spat,				What's in your brochure's pages.
"Just leave the wild weeds grow;	See if it sells without the bells
"It's Druid-kind, over-designed,	And strings that ring and quiver;
"And belly up they'll go."		Druid repute went down the chute
					Because they couldn't deliver.
		-- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
%
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
The Path there is, but none who travel it.
		-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
%
Sun in the night, everyone is together,
Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
		-- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
%
      /\	SUN of them wants to use you,
     \\ \
  / \ \\ /	SUN of them wants to be used by you,
 / / \/ / //\
 \//\   \// /	SUN of them wants to abuse you,
  / /  /\  /
   /  \\ \	SUN of them wants to be abused ...
     \ \\
      \/
		-- Eurythmics
%
Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
%
System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs!  See how it runs!
	Its monitor loses so totally!
	It runs all its programs in RPG!
	It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
%
T:	One big monster, he called TROLL.
	He don't rock, and he don't roll;
	Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
	He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
		-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
	And you're fair game,
	You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
	Just relax, enjoy the ride.
Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
	(chorus)
The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
	(chorus)
		-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
%
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
Tan me hide when I'm dead.
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
It's hanging there on the shed.

All together now...
	Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
	Tie me kangaroo down.
	Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
	Tie me kangaroo down.
%
Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the ivy twines,
Tell me why the sky's so blue,
And I will tell you just why I love you.

	Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
	Phototropism makes ivy twine,
	Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
	Sexual hormones are why I love you.
%
Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
Is those things arms, or is they legs?
I marvel at thee, Octopus;
If I were thou, I'd call me us.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
		-- A.E. Housman
%
That feeling just came over me.
		-- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
%
That money talks,
I'll not deny,
I heard it once,
It said "Good-bye.
		-- Richard Armour
%
	The Advertising Agency Song
 
	When your client's hopping mad,
	Put his picture in the ad.
	If he still should prove refractory,
	Add a picture of his factory.
%
The all-softening overpowering knell,
The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
		-- Lord Byron
%
The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
	It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
		-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
%
The bank sent our statement this morning,
The red ink was a sight of great awe!
Their figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
%
The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
and the bird is on the wing.
		-- Omar Khayyam
%
The boy stood on the burning deck,
Eating peanuts by the peck.
His father called him, but he could not go,
For he loved those peanuts so.
%
The camel has a single hump;
The dromedary two;
Or else the other way around.
I'm never sure.  Are you?
		-- Ogden Nash
%
The carbonyl is polarized,
The delta end is plus.
The nucleophile will thus attack,
The carbon nucleus.
Addition makes an alcohol,
Of types there are but three.
It makes a bond, to correspond,
From C to shining C.
		-- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
%
The common cormorant, or shag,
Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
The reason, you will see, no doubt,
Is to keep the lightning out.
But what these unobservant birds
Have failed to notice is that herds
Of bears may come with buns
And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
%
The difference between us is not very far,
cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
%
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
All the livelong day;
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
You cannot get away;
Do not think you can escape them
From night 'til early in the morn;
The eyes of Texas are upon you
'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
		-- University of Texas' school song
%
The garden is in mourning;
The rain falls cool among the flowers.
Summer shivers quietly
On its way towards its end.

Golden leaf after leaf
Falls from the tall acacia.
Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
In this dying dream of a garden.

For a long while, yet, in the roses,
She will linger on, yearning for peace,
And slowly
Close her weary eyes.
		-- Hermann Hesse, "September"
%
The glances over cocktails
That seemed to be so sweet
Don't seem quite so amorous
Over Shredded Wheat
%
The good (I am convinced, for one)
Is but the bad one leaves undone.
Once your reputation's done
You can live a life of fun.
		-- Wilhelm Busch
%
The good life was so elusive
It really got me down
I had to regain some confidence
So I got into camouflage
%
The good time is approaching,
The season is at hand.
When the merry click of the two-base lick
Will be heard throughout the land.
The frost still lingers on the earth, and
Budless are the trees.
But the merry ring of the voice of spring
Is borne upon the breeze.
		-- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
%
The grave's a fine and private place,
but none, I think, do there embrace.
		-- Andrew Marvell
%
The hope that springs eternal
Springs right up your behind.
		-- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
%
The Junior God now heads the roll
In the list of heaven's peers;
He sits in the House of High Control,
And he regulates the spheres.
Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
If, even in gods divine,
The best and wisest may not be those
Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
		-- Robert W. Service
%
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
The leaves were long, the grass was green,
The hemlock-umbels tall and fair,
And in the glade a light was seen
Of stars in shadow shimmering.
Tin'uviel was dancing there
To music of a pipe unseen,
And light of stars was in her hair,
And in her raiment glimmering.

There Beren came from mountains colds,
And lost he wandered under leaves,
And where the Elven-river rolled
He walked alone and sorrowing.
He peered between the hemlock-leaves
And saw in wonder flowers of gold
Upon her mantle and her sleeves,
And her hair like shadow following.

Enchantment healed his weary feet
That over hills were doomed to roam;
And forth he hastened, strong and fleet,
And grasped at moonbeams glistening.
Through woven woods in Elvenhome
She lightly fled on dancing feet,
And left him lonely still to roam
In the silent forest listening.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
The lights are on,
but you're not home;
Your will
is not your own;
Your heart sweats,
Your teeth grind;
Another kiss
and you'll be mine...

You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
(Oh Yeah!)
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
You know you're gonna have to face it,
You're addicted to love!"
		-- Robert Palmer
%
The little town that time forgot,
Where all the women are strong,
The men are good-looking,
And the children above-average.
		-- Prairie Home Companion
%
	The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
a position of negative need.
	He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
	He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
liquid.
	He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
	He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
prestige of His identity.
	It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
	Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
into a pleasurific mood state.
	You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
in the context of non-cooperative elements.
	You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
	My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
	It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
time basis.
%
The makers may make
and the users may use,
but the fixers must fix
with but minimal clues
%
The man she had was kind and clean
And well enough for every day,
But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
The one that got away.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
%
The morning sun when it's in your face really shows your age,
But that don't bother me none; in my eyes you're everything.
I know I keep you amused,
But I feel I'm being used.
Oh, Maggie, I wish I'd never seen your face.

You took me away from home,
Just to save you from being alone;
You stole my heart, and that's what really hurts.

I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
That needs a helping hand,
Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.

You made a first-class fool out of me,
But I'm as blind as a fool can be.
You stole my soul, and that's a pain I can do without.
		-- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
%
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
	Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
	Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
%
The net of law is spread so wide,
No sinner from its sweep may hide.
Its meshes are so fine and strong,
They take in every child of wrong.
O wondrous web of mystery!
Big fish alone escape from thee!
		-- James Jeffrey Roche
%
The night passes quickly when you're asleep
But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
...
Breakfast at the Egg House,
Like the waffle on the griddle,
I'm burnt around the edges,
But I'm tender in the middle.
		-- Adrian Belew
%
The one L lama, he's a priest
The two L llama, he's a beast
And I will bet my silk pyjama
There isn't any three L lllama.
		-- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
		his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
%
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
	The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
Wither.  Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
	In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness.  It usually
lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
	High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
the higher emotions.
		She would me "Honey" call,
		She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
		But now alas!  She's left me
		Falero, lero, loo.
	Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
was her prudent choice of footwear.
		The fives did fit her shoe.
	In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
the Royalists during the English Civil War.  When Sir John Denham, the
Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
begged that his life be spared.  When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
worst poet in England."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
	Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
	Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
		-- Ogden Nash
%
The Rabbits				The Cow
Here is a verse about rabbits		The cow is of the bovine ilk;
That doesn't mention their habits.	One end is moo, the other, milk.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
The rain it raineth on the just
	And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
	The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
		-- Lord Bowen
%
The rhino is a homely beast,
For human eyes he's not a feast.
Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then?  I cannot say.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
And surly Winter grimly flies.
Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.

The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
The yellow Autumn presses near;
Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
Till smiling Spring again appear.
Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
But never ranging, still unchanging,
I adore my bonnie Bell.
		-- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
%
The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door.
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more."
The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before,
And slowly she let him inside.

He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young,
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won,
And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun.
And now will you tell me why?"
		-- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
%
The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
In town a noun might wear a gown,
or further down, might dress a clown.
A noun that's sound would never clown,
but unsound nouns jump up and down.
The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
But please don't let that get you down,
the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
		-- A. Nonnie Mouse
%
The street preacher looked so baffled
When I asked him why he dressed
With forty pounds of headlines 
Stapled to his chest.
But he cursed me when I proved to him
I said, "Not even you can hide.
You see, you're just like me.
I hope you're satisfied."
		-- Bob Dylan
%
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
The Thought Police are here.  They've come
To put you under cardiac arrest.
And as they drag you through the door
They tell you that you've failed the test.
		-- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
%
The thrill is here, but it won't last long
You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
%
The trouble with a kitten is that
When it grows up, it's always a cat
		-- Ogden Nash.
%
The trouble with you
Is the trouble with me.
Got two good eyes
But we still don't see.
		-- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
%
The truth you speak has no past and no future.
It is, and that's all it needs to be.
%
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
I feel together today!
		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
%
The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
	Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
It must have blown through someone's feet,
	Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
		-- P. Opus
%
The wombat lives across the seas,
Among the far Antipodes.
He may exist on nuts and berries,
Or then again, on missionaries;
His distant habitat precludes
Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
But I would not engage the wombat
In any form of mortal combat.
		-- "The Wombat"
%
The Worst American Poet
	Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
	Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her pen.
	Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
formula was the same:
		Have you heard of the dreadful fate
		Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
		Of their death I will relate,
		And also others lost their life
		(in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
		Where so many people died.
	Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
river or struck by lightning.  A critic of the day said she was "worse than
a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
	Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate".  Her reply was
forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
beyond reason."  She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
		The Worst Lines of Verse
For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
	"Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
laughter the instant they were read out.
	No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
inspired by the subject of war.
	"Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
	And the grey roof reddened and rang;
	Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
	The tip of my ear.  Flash! bang!"
By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
	"... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
	"The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
	The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
	"And I was ask'd and authorized to go
	To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
	"So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
	While in this world, are liable to leak."
And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
describing a pond:
	"I've measured it from side to side;
	Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The young lady had an unusual list,
Linked in part to a structural weakness.
She set no preconditions.
%
The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
Eh?
So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
They may be cold, but that's okay!  Beer's better that way!
Eh?
		-- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
Beauty!
%
Then here's to the City of Boston,
The town of the cries and the groans.
Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
		-- Franklin Pierce Adams
%
There are bad times just around the corner,
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
	And it's no good whining 
	About a silver lining
For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
		-- Noel Coward
%
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed.
Some forever not for better 
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I've loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compared with you,
All these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I'll love you more.
		-- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
%
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
	By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
	That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
	But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
	I cremated Sam McGee.
		-- Robert W. Service
%
There is in certain living souls
A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
So great it must be shared
As company is shared by lesser beings.
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
That in immensity
There is one lonelier than you.
%
There is no point in waiting.
The train stopped running years ago.
All the schedules, the brochures,
The bright-colored posters full of lies,
Promise rides to a distant country
That no longer exists.
%
There is something in the pang of change
More than the heart can bear,
Unhappiness remembering happiness.
		-- Euripides
%
There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
Where seagulls flew over their nest.
She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
And caused her to tickle and itch.
The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
A sittin' out there on the rocks."
The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
And crowded four deep to the rail.
All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
...
"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
And soon we will certainly find
If mermaids are better before or be... brave
My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
And cursing with spleen.
This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
		-- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
%
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good
And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
		-- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
%
There's a lesson that I need to remember
When everything is falling apart
In life, just like in loving
There's such a thing as trying to hard

You've gotta sing
Like you don't need the money
Love like you'll never get hurt
You've gotta dance
Like nobody's watching
It's gotta come from the heart
If you want it to work.
		-- Kathy Mattea
%
There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
The corporation that we represent.
We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
Of that man of men our sterling president
The name of T.J. Watson means
A courage none can stem
And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
		-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
%
There's amnesia in a hangknot,
And comfort in the ax,
But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
	There's surcease in a gunshot,
	And sleep that comes from racks,
	But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
You find rest on the hot squat,
Or gas can give you pax,
But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
	There's refuge in the church lot
	When you tire of facing facts,
	And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
Chorus:	With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
	Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
	But the pleasantest place to find your end
	Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
		-- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
%
There's little in taking or giving,
	There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
	Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
	The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
	And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
	And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
	Would you kindly direct me to hell?
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
They told me you had proven it		When they discovered our results
	About a month before.			Their hair began to curl
The proof was valid, more or less	Instead of understanding it
	But rather less than more.		We'd run the thing through PRL.

He sent them word that we would try	Don't tell a soul about all this
	To pass where they had failed		For it must ever be
And after we were done, to them		A secret, kept from all the rest
	The new proof would be mailed.		Between yourself and me.

My notion was to start again
	Ignoring all they'd done
We quickly turned it into code
	To see if it would run.
%
They went rushing down that freeway,
Messed around and got lost.
They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
And it was life in the fast lane.
		-- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
%
They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
The man said "We got all that we can use",
So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
		-- Jim Croce
%
Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
Have made my days and nights imperishable,
Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
%
"Thirty days hath Septober,
April, June, and no wonder.
all the rest have peanut butter
except my father who wears red suspenders."
%
Thirty white horses on a red hill,
First they champ,
Then they stamp,
Then they stand still.
		-- Tolkien
%
This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
Everye nighte and alle,
Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
And Christe receive thy saule.
		-- The Lykewake Dirge
%
This here's the wattle,
The emblem of our land.
You can stick it in a bottle;
You can hold it in your hand.
Amen!
		-- Monty Python
%
This is for all ill-treated fellows
	Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
	And I am not.
		-- A. E. Housman
%
This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see

You cannot tell the he from the she
But she can tell, and so can he

The little bee is never still
She has no time to take the pill

And that is why, in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.
%
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang but with a whimper.
		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
%
This land is my land, and only my land,
I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
This land is private property.
		-- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
%
This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.
%
Those who sweat in flames of hell,	Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
Here's the reason that they fell:	Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
While on earth they prayed in SAS,	These they offered up in praise
PL/1, or other crass,			Thinking all this fetid haze
Vulgar tongue.				A rapsody sung.

Some the lord did sorely try		Jabber of the mindless horde
Assembling all their pleas in hex.	Sequel next did mock the lord
Speech as crabbed as devil's crable	Slothful sequel so enfangled
Hex that marked on Tower Babel		Its speaker's lips became entangled
The highest rung.			In his bung.

Because in life they prayed so ill
And offered god such swinish swill
Now they sweat in flames of hell
Sweat from lack of APL
Sweat dung!
%
Though I respect that a lot
I'd be fired if that were my job
After killing Jason off and
Countless screaming argonauts

Bluebird of friendliness
Like guardian angels it's
Always near

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
		-- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
%
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
%
Throw away documentation and manuals,
and users will be a hundred times happier.
Throw away privileges and quotas,
and users will do the Right Thing.
Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
and there won't be any pirating.

If these three aren't enough,
just stay at your home directory 
and let all processes take their course.
%
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine		And then one day you find
Staying home to watch the rain		Ten years have got behind you
You are young and life is long		No one told you when to run
And there is time to kill today		You missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter		Hanging on in quiet desperation
						is the English way
Never seem to find the time		The time is gone, the song is over
Plans that either come to nought	Thought I'd something more to say...
Or half a page of scribbled lines
		-- Pink Floyd, "Time"
%
Tiger got to hunt,
Bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"

Tiger got to sleep,
Bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand.
		-- The Books of Bokonon
%
Tim and I a hunting went
We found three damsels in a tent,
As they were three, and we were two,
I bucked one and Timbuktu.
		-- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"
%
Time goes, you say?
Ah no!
Time stays, *we* go.
		-- Austin Dobson
%
Time washes clean
Love's wounds unseen.
That's what someone told me;
But I don't know what it means.
		-- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
%
'Tis the dream of each programmer,
Before his life is done,
To write three lines of APL,
And make the damn things run.
%
	To A Quick Young Fox
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
		-- Lazy Dog
%
to be nobody but yourself in a world 
which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else
means to fight the hardest battle
any human being can fight and
never stop fighting.                   
		-- e.e. cummings
%
To code the impossible code,		This is my quest --
To bring up a virgin machine,		To debug that code,
To pop out of endless recursion,	No matter how hopeless,
To grok what appears on the screen,	No matter the load,
					To write those routines
To right the unrightable bug,		Without question or pause,
To endlessly twiddle and thrash,	To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
To mount the unmountable magtape,	For a heavenly cause.
To stop the unstoppable crash!		And I know if I'll only be true
					To this glorious quest,
And the queue will be better for this,	That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
That one man, scorned and		When it's put to the test.
	destined to lose,
Still strove with his last allocation
To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
		-- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
%
To err is human,
To purr feline.
		-- Robert Byrne
%
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.
		Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
%
To stand and be still,
At the Birkenhead drill,
Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
		-- Rudyard Kipling
%
To whom the mornings are like nights,
What must the midnights be!
		-- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
%
To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
and take by force a satisfying mesh.
Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
You are the master here, and they the slaves.
Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
A word that strikes no pleasure?  Cast it out!
What use are words that drive not to the heart?
A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
and choose more docile words to take its part.
A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
by making love directly to the brain.
%
Tobacco is a filthy weed,
That from the devil does proceed;
It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
And makes a chimney of your nose.
		-- B. Waterhouse
%
Too cool to calypso,
Too tough to tango,
Too weird to watusi
		-- The Only Ones
%
Troll sat alone on his seat of stone,
And munched and mumbled a bare old bone;
For many a year he had gnawed it near,
For meat was hard to come by.
	Done by!  Gum by!
In a cave in the hills he dwelt alone,
And meat was hard to come by.

Up came Tom with his big boots on.
Said he to Troll: "Pray, what is youn?
For it looks like the shin o' my nuncle Tim,
As should be a-lyin in graveyard.
	Caveyard!  Paveyard!
This many a year has Tim been gone,
And I thought he were lyin' in graveyard."

"My lad," said Troll, "this bone I stole.
But what be bones that lie in a hole?
Thy nuncle was dead as a lump o' lead,
Afore I found his shinbone.
	Tinbone!  Thinbone!
He can spare a share for a poor old troll
For he don't need his shinbone."

Said Tom: "I don't see why the likes o' thee
Without axin' leave should go makin' free
With the shank or the shin o' my father's kin;
So hand the old bone over!
	Rover!  Trover!
Though dead he be, it belongs to he;
So hand the old bnone over!"
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Try not.
Do.
Or do not.
There is no try.
%
"Twas bergen and the eirie road
Did mahwah into patterson:		"Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
All jersey were the ocean groves,	The teeth that bite, the nails
And the red bank bayonne.			that claw!
					Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
He took his belmar blade in hand:	The kearney communipaw."
Long time the folsom foe he sought
Till rested he by a bayway tree		And, as in nutley thought he stood,
And stood a while in thought.		The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
					Came whippany through the englewood,
One, two, one, two, and through		And garfield as it came.
	and through
The belmar blade went hackensack!	"And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
He left it dead and with it's head	Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
He went weehawken back.			Hohokus day!  Soho!  Rahway!"
					He caldwell in his joy.
Did mahwah into patterson:
All jersey were the ocean groves,
And the red bank bayonne.
		-- Paul Kieffer
%
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.	"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
All mimsy were the borogroves		The jaws that bite, the claws
And the mome raths outgrabe.			that catch!
					Beware the Jubjub bird,
He took his vorpal sword in hand	And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
Long time the manxome foe he sought.
So rested he by the tumtum tree		And as in uffish thought he stood
And stood awhile in thought.		The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
					Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
One! Two! One! Two!  And through and	And burbled as it came!
	through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.	"Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
He left it dead, and took its head,	Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
And went galumphing back.		Oh frabjous day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
					He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogroves
And the mome raths outgrabe.
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
%
'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
Did buy and gamble in the craze		"Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers	The cost that bites, the worth
By market's wrath unphased.			that falls!
					Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
He took his forecast sword in hand:	The spurious Street o' Walls!"
Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he,	And as in bearish thought he stood
And stood awhile in thought.		The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
					Came waffling with the truth too good,
Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through	And yuppied great with greed!
	and through
The forecast blade went snicker-snack!	"And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
It bit the dirt, and with its shirt,	Come to my firm,  V.P.ish  boy!
He went rebounding back.		O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
					He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
And mammon's wrath them bash!
		-- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
%
Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
	Did logzerneg the ifthen block
All kludgy were the function flows
	And subroutines adhoc.

Beware the runtime-bug my friend
	squrooneg, the false goto
Beware the infiniteloop
	And shun the inprectoo.
		-- "OUTCONERR," to the scheme of "Jabberwocky"
%
'Twas midnight on the ocean,		Her children all were orphans,
Not a streetcar was in sight,		Except one a tiny tot,
So I stepped into a cigar store		Who had a home across the way
To ask them for a light.		Above a vacant lot.

The man	behind the counter		As I gazed through the oaken door
Was a woman, old and gray,		A whale went drifting by,
Who used to peddle doughnuts		Its six legs hanging in the air,
On the road to Mandalay.		So I kissed her goodbye.

She said "Good morning, stranger",	This story has a morale
Her eyes were dry with tears,		As you can plainly see,
As she put her head between her feet	Don't mix your gin with whiskey
And stood that way for years.		On the deep and dark blue sea.
		-- Midnight On The Ocean
%
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrabe.

"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
%
'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
	Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
	Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
	While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
	I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
	But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
	And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!
	On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
	From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
	Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
		-- "Twas the Night before Crisis"
%
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
   preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
   throughout our place of residence,
Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
   possessors of this potential, including that
   species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
   edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
   imminent visitation from an eccentric
   philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
   is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
%
Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
		-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
%
	Two men looked out from the prison bars,
	One saw mud--
	The other saw stars.

Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
in the head.
%
Tyger, Tyger, burning bright		Where the hammer?  Where the chain?
In the forests of the night,		In what furnace was thy brain?
What immortal hand or eye		What the anvil?  What dread grasp
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?	Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

Burnt in distant deeps or skies		When the stars threw down their spears
The cruel fire of thine eyes?		And water'd heaven with their tears
On what wings dare he aspire?		Dare he laugh his work to see?
What the hand dare seize the fire?	Dare he who made the lamb make thee?

And what shoulder & what art		Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
Could twist the sinews of they heart?	In the forests of the night,
And when thy heart began to beat	What immortal hand or eye
What dread hand & what dread feet	Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Could fetch it from the furnace deep
And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
In the well of sanguine woe?
In what clay & in what mould
Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
		-- William Blake, "The Tyger"
%
U:	There's a U -- a Unicorn!
	Run right up and rub its horn.
	Look at all those points you're losing!
	UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
		-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
Under the wide and heavy VAX
Dig my grave and let me relax
Long have I lived, and many my hacks
And I lay me down with a will.
These be the words that tell the way:
"Here he lies who piped 64K,
Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
%
Under the wide and starry sky,
Dig my grave and let me lie,
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And laid me down with a will,
And this be the verse that you grave for me,
Here he lies where he longed to be,
Home is the sailor home from the sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.
		-- R. Kipling
%
Up against the net, redneck mother,
Mother who has raised your son so well;
He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
%
Upon the hearth the fire is red,
Beneath the roof there is a bed;
But not yet weary are our feet,
Still round the corner we may meet
A sudden tree or standing stone
That none have seen but we alone.	Still round the corner there may wait
  Tree and flower and leaf and grass,	A new road or a secret gate,
  Let them pass!  Let them pass!	And though we pass them by today
  Hill and water under sky,		Tomorrow we may come this way
  Pass them by!  Pass them by!		And take the hidden paths that run
					Towards the Moon or to the Sun,
Home is behind, the world ahead,	  Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe,
And there are many paths to tread	  Let them go!  Let them go!
Through shadows to the edge of night,	  Sand and stone and pool and dell,
Until the stars are all alight.		  Fare you well!  Fare you well!
Then world behind and home ahead,
We'll wander back to home and bed.
  Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
  Away shall fade!  Away shall fade!
  Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,
  And then to bed!  And then to bed!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Voicless it cries,
Wingless flutters,
Toothless bites,
Mouthless mutters.
%
Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
And to him who's scientific
There is nothing that's terrific
In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
		-- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
%
Wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us.
		-- R. Browning
%
Wake now my merry lads!  Wake and hear me calling!
Warm now be heart and limb!  The cold stone is fallen;
Dark door is standing wide; dead hand is broken.
Night under Night is flown, and the Gate is open!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.

Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
Make our country well again, respected by the world.

Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
		-- Pansy Myers Schroeder
%
Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
	black gold; 'Texas tea' ...

Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
	swimmin' pools; movie stars.
%
Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
There was a time they could cry over books,
But time has set its maggot on their track.
Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
What's never known is safest in this life.
Under the skysigns they who have no arms
Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
		-- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
%
Watching girls go passing by
It ain't the latest thing
I'm just standing in a doorway
I'm just trying to make some sense
Out of these girls passing by		A smile relieves the heart that grieves
The tales they tell of men		Remember what I said
I'm not waiting on a lady		I'm not waiting on a lady
I'm just waiting on a friend		I'm just waiting on a friend
...
Don't need a whore
Don't need no booze
Don't need a virgin priest		Ooh, making love and breaking hearts
But I need someone I can cry to		It is a game for youth
I need someone to protect		But I'm not waiting on a lady
					I'm just waiting on a friend
					I'm just waiting on a friend
		-- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
%
We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
		-- Pink Floyd
%
We don't need no indirection		We don't need no compilation
We don't need no flow control		We don't need no load control
No data typing or declarations		No link edit for external bindings
Hey! did you leave the lists alone?	Hey! did you leave that source alone?
Chorus:					(Chorus)
	Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.

We don't need no side-effecting		We don't need no allocation
We don't need no flow control		We don't need no special-nodes
No global variables for execution	No dark bit-flipping for debugging
Hey! did you leave the args alone?	Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
(Chorus)				(Chorus)
		-- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
%
We gotta get out of this place,
If it's the last thing we ever do.
		-- The Animals
%
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
%
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
		-- Maxwell Smart
%
We're happy little Vegemites,
	As bright as bright can be.
We all all enjoy our Vegemite
	For breakfast, lunch and tea.
%
We're Knights of the Round Table
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes	We're knights of the Round Table
With footwork impeccable		Our shows are formidable
We dine well here in Camelot		But many times
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot.	We're given rhymes
					That are quite unsingable
In war we're tough and able,		We're opera mad in Camelot
Quite indefatigable			We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
Between our quests
We sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot.
I have to push the pram a lot.
		-- Monty Python
%
We've tried each spinning space mote
And reckoned its true worth:
Take us back again to the homes of men
On the cool, green hills of Earth.

The arching sky is calling
Spacemen back to their trade.
All hands!  Standby!  Free falling!
And the lights below us fade.
Out ride the sons of Terra,
Far drives the thundering jet,
Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
Out, far, and onward yet--

We pray for one last landing
On the globe that gave us birth;
Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
And the cool, green hills of Earth.
		-- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
%
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
Come inside, the show's about to start,
Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
You gotta see the show!  It's a dynamo!
You gotta see the show!  It's rock 'n' roll!
		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
%
Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
The headline screamed that I was still alive,
I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
In a little cantina that the boys had found,
I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
When along came a senorita,
She looked so good that I had to meet her,
I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
Grow some funk of your own.
We no like to with the gringo fight,
But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
...
Take my advice, take the next flight,
And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
		-- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
%
Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
Might as well have put it down the drain.
Fancy giving money to the Government!
Nobody will see the stuff again.
Well, they've no idea what money's for --
Ten to one they'll start another war.
I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
Fancy giving money to the Government!
		-- A.P. Herbert
%
Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
I hope they comin' for me!
And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
I hope they doin' it for free!
They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
Got it from the kitty next door...
I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
I think I got it some more!
Got a bad scratch fever...
		-- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
%
Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
But the meanest thing that he ever did,
Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
...
But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
And kill the man that give me that awful name.
It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
At an old saloon on a street of mud,
Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
...
Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
		-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
%
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
	And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
	Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
	But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
		-- Core Dumped Blues
%
Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
%
Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
And we're loved everywhere we go.
We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
At ten thousand dollars a show.
We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
But the thrill we've never known,
Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.

I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
Who embroiders on my jeans.
I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
Drivin' my limousine.
Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
But our minds won't be really be blown;
Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.

We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
Who'll do anything we say.
We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
We got all the friends that money can buy,
So we never have to be alone.
And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
		-- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
		[As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
%
What awful irony is this?
We are as gods, but know it not.
%
What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
You and I know that a burden and a cross,
Can only be carried on one man's back.
		-- Louden Wainwright III
%
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over --
Like a syrupy sweet?
  
Maybe it just sags
Like a heavy load.
  
Or does it explode?
		-- Langston Hughes
%
What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees,
Up, up it goes,
And yet never grows?
%
What pains others pleasures me,
At home am I in Lisp or C;
There i couch in ecstasy,
'Til debugger's poke i flee,
Into kernel memory.
In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
%
What segment's this, that, laid to rest
On FHA0, is sleeping?
What system file, lay here a while	This, this is "acct.run,"
While hackers around it were weeping?	Accounting file for everyone.
					Dump, dump it and type it out,
					The file, the highseg of login.
Why lies it here, on public disk
And why is it now unprotected?
A bug in incant, made it thus.		Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
And copy the file somehow, somehow.	The problem has not been corrected.
					Dump, dump it and type it out,
					The file, the highseg of login.
		-- to Greensleeves
%
What we Are is God's gift to us.
What we Become is our gift to God.
%
What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
Our Standardized Model should please even you,
Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
Yet your state of the union penultimate large
Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
		-- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
%
What's love but a second-hand emotion?
		-- Tina Turner
%
What, still alive at twenty-two,
A clean upstanding chap like you?
Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
Like enough, you won't be glad,
When they come to hang you, lad:
But bacon's not the only thing
That's cured by hanging from a string.
So, when the spilt ink of the night
Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
Lads whose job is still to do
Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
		-- Hugh Kingsmill
%
When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
the first lion thinks the last a bore.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
When I think about myself,
I almost laugh myself to death,
My life has been one great big joke,	Sixty years in these folks' world
A dance that's walked			The child I works for calls me girl
A song that's spoke,			I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
I laugh so hard I almost choke		Too proud to bend
When I think about myself.		Too poor to break,
					I laugh until my stomach ache,
					When I think about myself.
My folks can make me split my side,
I laughed so hard I nearly died,
The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
They grow the fruit, 
But eat the rind,
I laugh until I start to crying,
When I think about my folks.
		-- Maya Angelou
%
When in panic, fear and doubt,
Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
%
When in this world the headlines read
Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
Who rob and steal from those who need
The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
Fighting all who rob or plunder
Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
Underdog
UNDERDOG!
%
When in trouble or in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout.
%
When license fees are too high,
users do things by hand.
When the management is too intrusive,
users lose their spirit.

Hack for the user's benefit.
Trust them; leave them alone.
%
When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!
		-- Laurie Anderson
%
When my fist clenches crack it open,
Before I use it and lose my cool.
When I smile tell me some bad news,
Before I laugh and act like a fool.

And if I swallow anything evil,
Put you finger down my throat.
And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
Keep me warm let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
	to be the sad man.
Behind blue eyes.
No one knows what its like to be hated,
	to be fated,
To telling only lies.
			-- The Who
%
When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
And Oxygen still had none
Then Oxygen scored a single goal
And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
Called because of rain.
%
When someone makes a move		We'll send them all we've got,
Of which we don't approve,		John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
Who is it that always intervenes?	Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
U.N. and O.A.S.,			To the shores of Tripoli,
They have their place, I guess,		But not to Mississippoli,
But first, send the Marines!		What do we do?  We send the Marines!

For might makes right,			Members of the corps
And till they've seen the light,	All hate the thought of war:
They've got to be protected,		They'd rather kill them off by
						peaceful means.
All their rights respected,		Stop calling it aggression--
Till somebody we like can be elected.	We hate that expression!
					We only want the world to know
					That we support the status quo;
					They love us everywhere we go,
					So when in doubt, send the Marines!
		-- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
%
When the Guru administers, the users 
are hardly aware that he exists.
Next best is a sysop who is loved.
Next, one who is feared.
And worst, one who is despised.

If you don't trust the users,
you make them untrustworthy.

The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
When his work is done,
the users say, "Amazing:
we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
%
When the leaders speak of peace
The common folk know
That war is coming
When the leaders curse war
The mobilization order is already written out.

Every day, to earn my daily bread
I go to the market where lies are bought
Hopefully
I take my place among the sellers.
		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
%
When users see one GUI as beautiful,
other user interfaces become ugly.
When users see some programs as winners,
other programs become lossage.

Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
High level and assembler depend on each other.
Double and float cast to each other.
High-endian and low-endian define each other.
While and until follow each other.

Therefore the Guru 
programs without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Warnings arise and he lets them come;
processes are swapped and he lets them go.
He has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When his work is done, he deletes it.
That is why it lasts forever.
%
When you and I are far apart
Can sorrow break your tender heart?
I love you darling, yes I do;
Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
All you are is a blossoming rose.
Night is here so I must close.
With care read the first word of each line.
You will find a question of mine.
		-- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
%
When you find yourself in danger,
When you're threatened by a stranger,
When it looks like you will take a lickin'...

There is one thing you should learn,
When there is no one else to turn to,
	Caaaall for Super Chicken!!    (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
	Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
%
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
	For it isn't your father or mother or wife
	Whose judgement upon you must pass;
	The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
	Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
	He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
	For he's with you clear up to the end,
	And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
	If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
%
When you meet a master swordsman,
show him your sword.
When you meet a man who is not a poet,
do not show him your poem.
		-- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
%
When you overesteem great hackers,
more users become cretins.
When you develop encryption,
more users become crackers.

The Guru leads
by emptying user's minds
and increasing their quotas,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
When users lack knowledge and desire,
management will not try to interfere.

Practice not-looping,
and everything will fall into place.
%
When you're a Yup
You're a Yup all the way
From your first slice of Brie
To your last Cabernet.

When you're a Yup
You're not just a dreamer
You're making things happen
You're driving a Beamer.
%
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.
		-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
%
Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
	We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
	Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
	And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
	"Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
	And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
	To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
	And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
	Went home and put a bullet through his head.
		-- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
%
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
	Oh, dear, where can the matter be
	When it's converted to energy?
	There is a slight loss of parity.
	Johnny's so long at the fair.
%
Where's the man could ease a heart
Like a satin gown?
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
%
Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.

Gloom, despair and agony on me.
Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
		-- Hee Haw
%
Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
Go on, do not rest.
		-- An old Gujarati hymn
%
Whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
		-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 26/10 1792
%
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
		-- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to hardware interrupts.]
 
And now I see with eye serene
The very pulse of the machine.
		-- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to software interrupts.]
%
While walking down a crowded
City street the other day,
I heard a little urchin
To a comrade turn and say,
"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
I'd be happy as a clam
If only I was de feller dat
Me mudder t'inks I am.

"She t'inks I am a wonder,		My friends, be yours a life of toil
An' she knows her little lad		Or undiluted joy,
Could never mix wit' nuttin'		You can learn a wholesome lesson
Dat was ugly, mean or bad.		From that small, untutored boy.
Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink	Don't aim to be an earthly saint
How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz!		With eyes fixed on a star:
If a feller was de feller		Just try to be the fellow that
Dat his mudder t'inks he is."		Your mother thinks you are.
		-- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
%
Whip it, baby.
Whip it right.
Whip it, baby.
Whip it all night!
%
Who does not love wine, women, and song,
Remains a fool his whole life long.
		-- Johann Heinrich Voss
%
Who loves not wisely but too well
Will look on Helen's face in hell,
But he whose love is thin and wise
Will view John Knox in Paradise.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
		-- A.E. Housman
%
Who to himself is law no law doth need,
offends no law, and is a king indeed.
		-- George Chapman
%
Why are you watching
The washing machine?
I love entertainment
So long as it's clean.

Professor Doberman:
	While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 
pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 
improvement.  Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
experience.  As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 
must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 
fact distract from the unity of the whole.  In the final analysis, one 
receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 
been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
meaning.  It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 
suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 
implications.
%
With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
		-- Pink Floyd
%
Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
		-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
%
Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw.
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore.
Seems I'm not alone in being alone.
Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
		-- The Police, "Message in a Bottle"
%
Yea from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
		-- Hamlet
%
Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
		-- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
%
Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.
%
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
	"All your papers these days look the same;
Those William's would be better unread --
	Do these facts never fill you with shame?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
	"I wrote wonderful papers galore;
But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
	Made it pointless to think any more."
%
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
	"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
	Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
	"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
	Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
	And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
	Pray what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
	"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
	Allow me to sell you a couple?"
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
	That your lectures bore people to death.
Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
	Don't you think that you should save your breath?"

"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
	Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
	Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
	For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
	Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
	And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
	Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
	That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
	What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
	Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
	Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
	And there isn't one language you like;
Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
	Have you thought about taking a hike?"

"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
	"Every language looks equally bad;
Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
	And don't realize that they've been had."
%
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
	And make errors few people could bear;
You complain about everyone's English but yours --
	Do you really think this is quite fair?"

"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
	"But my stature these days is so great
That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
	And to stop me it's now far too late."
%
You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.

(chorus)	Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
		Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.

You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
(chorus)

You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
(chorus)
%
You go down to the pickup station,
	craving warmth and beauty;
You settle for less than fascination --
	a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
And the closing lights strip off the shadows
	on this strange new flesh you've found --
Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
	you hurry to the blackness
	and the blankets to lay down an impression
	and your loneliness.
		-- Joni Mitchell
%
You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
And you know it don't come easy ...
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
And you know it don't come easy ...
%
You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
You're not a kid at thirty-three,
You play around you lose your wife,
You play too long, you lose your life.
Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
%
You may be right, I may be crazy,
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for!
		-- Billy Joel
%
You will find me drinking gin
In the lowest kind of inn,
Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
You'll always be,
What you always were,
Which has nothing to do with,
All to do, with her.
		-- Company
%
Your wise men don't know how it feels
To be thick as a brick.
		-- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
%
Your worship is your furnaces
which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
have molten bowels; your vision is
machines for making more machines.
		-- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
%
Yours is not to reason why,
Just to Sail Away.
And when you find you have to throw
Your Legacy away;
Remember life as was it is,
And is as it were;
Chasing sounds across the galaxy
'Till silence is but a blur.
		-- QYX.
%
A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
firm tuft of grass.
		-- Donald A. Metz
%
A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
uncontrollable physical phenomena.
		-- Donald A. Metz
%
	A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of
the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed it to
another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
and forth.
	"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
of carp-to-carp walleting."
%
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.  Immediately,
one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
Warden.  After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
Game Warden finally caught up to him.
	"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped.  The
man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
license.
	"Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
as a box of rocks!  You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
	"Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
there, he don't have one!"
%
A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
%
A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled.  At about 5,000 feet,
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
same speed as he was going towards the ground.  As they passed each other at
3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
	The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO!  DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
%
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
to make a travesty of the game.
		-- Donald A. Metz
%
	A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon.  "What in the world do you think you're
doing?  Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
	Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
which contained twelve more loons.
	"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
	"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
	"What's so special about a loon?  What does it taste like?"
	"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
%
		Accidentally Shot

	Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
in a singular manner.  A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
Colonel's hat.  One shot took effect in his forehead.
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
%
"Ain't that something what happened today.  One of us got traded to
Kansas City."
		-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
		   been traded.
%
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others.
		-- Alan Truscott
%
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants,
today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical Gamekeeping."
		-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
%
Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians.  These people love fast
cars.  But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
		-- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
		   cars across Europe.
%
[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
		-- Tris Speaker, 1921
%
Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
		-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
%
Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
is my choice for team captain.  Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led
off the bottom of the eighth with a walk.  The next hitter banged a hard
single to right field.  Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
kept going, sliding safely into third base.
	With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
took off for second and made it.  Now we had runners at second and third.
	I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
start to take a lead.  All of a sudden, here he comes.  He makes a great slide
into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?"  He looks up, and
shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
%
Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
%
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty
played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees
played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks,
and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
	COONDOG MEMORY
	(heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)

Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
try out ol' Sis here.  So I turned her out south of the house and she made
two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
something treed.  We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it.  So I pulled off my
coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back.  Now, this dog
is for sale.
		-- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
%
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule

	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
	Sept 28		Blind Academy
	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
whelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene language may
not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
(unless struck by a boomerang).
		-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
%
Don't let go of what you've got hold of, until you have hold of something else.
		-- First Rule of Wing Walking
%
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:	Black.

Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
-- black.  According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
		-- Steve Rubenstein
%
Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
%
Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone's
rolling strikes?
%
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
		-- Snoopy
%
Failed Attempts To Break Records
	In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
the world shouting record by two and a half decibels.  "I am not surprised
he failed," his wife said afterwards.  "He's really a very quiet man and
doesn't even shout at me."
	In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
	His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
	In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes.  "It was raining heavily and my
drone got waterlogged," he said.
	A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978.  97,500 dominoes
had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have.  The greatest feeling?
Landing...  Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
%
Football builds self-discipline.  What else would induce a spectator to
sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
%
Football combines the two worst features of American life.
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
		-- George F. Will, "Men At Work:  The Craft of Baseball"
%
Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
		-- Jimmy Breslin
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15

	"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
	And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
	Cowboy cheerleaders.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#14
	The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
%
From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
		-- Ad for the new VW Corrado
%
George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address.  "Let
me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
	"Okay," agreed Sam.  "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
	At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!"  Then he looked at
the dog.  The dog looked back.  No sound.  "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
Nothing.  A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
	"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
yelled at the dog.  "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
	"Don't be silly, George," replied the dog.  "Think of the odds we're
gonna get on Labor Day."
%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish,
and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
		-- Calvin Keegan
%
Give me a fish and I will eat today.

Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
%
Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
%
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
wild horses in person.  In person, they are like enormous hooved rats.  They
amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
		-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
%
HARVARD:
Quarterback:
	Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass.  And pass he does, with
a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays....  Though Strewzinksi
has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
Wide Receiver:
	The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
Phil Yip, who is very fast.  Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
fast.  Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
or six times, his average for a game.  Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
those times.
YALE:
Defense:
	On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history.  Also contributing to
the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
out the offensive ethnic joke.  Look for these three to shut down the opening
coin toss.
		-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
		-- W. C. Fields
%
How can you think and hit at the same time?
		-- Yogi Berra
%
I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments.
The front page has nothing but man's failures.
		-- Chief Justice Earl Warren
%
I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in
the world is fixed.
		-- Frank Deford, sports writer
%
I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
		-- Florence Henderson
%
I do not care if half the league strikes.  Those who do will encounter
quick retribution.  All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
the National League for five years.  This is the United States of America
and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
		-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
		   threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
		   Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis.  The
		   Cardinals backed down and played.
%
I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
win -- or even how you won.
		-- Cash McCall
%
I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
		-- D. Cavett
%
I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
		-- Casey Stengel
%
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
%
I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
		-- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
%
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!
%
I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
after we've been home a long while.
		-- Casey Stengel
%
I would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets
man apart from the animals.
%
I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
%
I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees.  And I want to
thank everyone for making this night necessary.
		-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
%
I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
		-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
		   in the shade.
%
I've only got 12 cards.
%
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.  The law of
gravity supercedes the law of golf.
		-- Donald A. Metz
%
If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
		-- Sparky Anderson
%
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
		-- Doug Larson
%
If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
way they do?
%
	If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
	Both those things sound pretty good to me.
		-- Sparky Anderson
%
If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
%
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're
the sucker.
%
If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
		-- Harry Blackstone
%
If you're carrying a torch, put it down.  The Olympics are over.
%
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call
this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.
%
In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it made the World Series
just something that came later.
		-- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
%
It gets late early out there.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another --
but which one?  Differences are crucial.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
It's like deja vu all over again.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
		-- Grantland Rice
%
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
%
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
%
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
	   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
	   force is technically termed "car suck").
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
	   than "Watch this!"
	(3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
	   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
	   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
	   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
	(4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
	   cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
	   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
	   in the head and knock you silly.
%
Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
		-- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
%
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
%
Life is a game.  In order to have a game, something has to be more
important than something else.  If what already is, is more important
than what isn't, the game is over.  So, life is a game in which what
isn't, is more important than what is.  Let the good times roll.
		-- Werner Erhard
%
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
%
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
to pay income taxes, too?
		-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
%
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
%
Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man
picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and
whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire.

What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.

Come on, Marta, grow up.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group."

"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
	Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
	[So is that punchline.]
%
Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
%
My first baseman is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
Pirates team, which lost 112 games.  After a terrible series against the
New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
	"I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said.  "On any ball hit
to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
%
My way of joking is to tell the truth.  That's the funniest joke in the world.
		-- Muhammad Ali
%
Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
		-- '76 Olympics
%
Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
%
NEWS FLASH!!
Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault
champion.
%
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
%
Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win
or you can lose or it can rain.
		-- Casey Stengel
%
"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
dog] is good for almost every kind of game.  He went duck hunting one time
and did real well at it.  Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
you know, farm ducks.  And it got Don Carlos all mixed up.  Since the
ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something.  So one morning
last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
buried them."  "What do you mean, buried them?"  "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
and put them in the holes.  Then he covered them up with mud except for
their heads.  He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
another one when Tony found him.  We talked about it for a long time.  Papa
said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
know how to build a cage he put them in holes.  He's a smart dog."
		-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
%
On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
same moment -- halftime.
%
Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem.  You see, during
a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around.  So,
to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
page of the score before the bass cue.  As the basses grew more and more
inebriated, two of them fell asleep.  The conductor grew quite nervous (he
was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
%
One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
%
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
%
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for
three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in
their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
ever considering whether there were men on base.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
P-K4
%
Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame.  Second
baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws.  Other players were
diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch.  At the same time, Guerrero,
at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
Tom Lasorda's stomach.  Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
base like that?  You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
What is it?"
	"I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said.  "First, `I
hope they don't hit the ball to me.'"  The players snickered, and even
Lasorda had to fight off a laugh.  "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
to Sax.'"
		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
%
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
		-- Indiana University football cheer
%
Reporter:   "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
%
Rick:	"How can you close me up?  On what grounds?"
Renault: "I'm shocked!  Shocked!  To find that gambling is going on here."
Croupier (handing money to Renault): "Your winnings, sir."
Renault:"Oh.  Thank you very much."
		-- Casablanca
%
Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra:  "You mean now?"
%
Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching.  Working once a week,
he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
		-- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
		   from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
		-- Heard on Noahs' ark
%
San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city.  I don't mean the
people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy.  When
they boo you, you know they mean *you*.  Music, that's what it is to me.
One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
		-- George Halas, professional football coach
%
Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
swank hotel in New York.  Most of the major stars of the chess world were
there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment.  In the lobby,
some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
fastest, and the best chess player in the world.  The argument got quite
loud, as various players claimed that honor.  At that point, a security
guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
%
Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
		-- Leo Durocher
%
So I'm ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
the seal is not yet broken.  And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
		-- Sky Masterson's Father
%
Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
%
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
%
Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
shoot some craps.  The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
	When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
entire wad, shook the dice and rolled.  A smile crossed his face as a
seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others.  No one said a
word.  Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
and handed the others to Dutsky.
	"Roll 'em," Lucci said.  "Your point is thirteen."
%
Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
unbelieving dean.  At this point, one of his players happened to enter
the dean's office.  "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in.  "OK, Coach",
the player replied, and was off.  "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
"Yeah", replied the dean.  "He could have just picked up this phone and
called you from here."
%
That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
		-- Bill Veeck
%
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show off 
this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
it to his master.
	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
%
The Fastest Defeat In Chess
	The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
master.  
	In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
Monsieur Lazard.  Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
of their own homes.
	Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
	1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
	2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
	3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
	4: P-K6, Kt-K6
	White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
	"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
you?  They used to be with the Chicago Bears.  The two dudes behind you made
the U.S. Olympic wrestling team.  And for you information, I used to play
center at Notre Dame."
	"Forget it," the customer said.  "I don't want to explain it five
times."
%
The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
them were fishermen.
		-- Arthur Binstead
%
THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor.

"Sorry," he said with a smile.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
The one sure way to make a lazy man look respectable is to put a fishing
rod in his hand.
%
	The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen.  You've got to let it
grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
		-- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
%
The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter
swang and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
batter connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder.  The
center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his
eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
		-- Dizzy Dean
%
The real problem with hunting elephants is carrying the decoys.
%
The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.
%
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his decision
to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
%
The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
that I assume it must be evil.
		-- Heywood Broun
%
The whole of life is futile unless you consider it as a sporting proposition.
%
There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league.  There are
pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
Josh Gibson.  Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
pigmentation of their skin.  They happen to be colored.
		-- Shirley Povich, 1941
%
They also surf who only stand on waves.
%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
%
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
		-- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
%
	Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail.  While Bill has a great
deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
%
Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
like hours.
	"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
the women.  Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
and went back to where his companion was waiting.
	"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly.  "One of them's my wife
and the other's my mistress!"
	"I'll ask," said Jim.  He started off, only to turn and come back
before reaching the green.
	"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
	"Small world, isn't it?"
%
We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh.  Josh [Gibson]
comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run behind.  Well,
he hit one.  The Grays waited around and waited around, but finally the
empire rules it ain't comin' down.  So we win.  The next day, we was disputin'
the Grays in Philadelphia when here come a ball outta the sky right in the
glove of the Grays' center fielder.  The empire made the only possible call.
"You're out, boy!" he says to Josh.  "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
		-- Satchel Paige
%
When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
screaming.  Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
himself to destruction.
		-- George Plimpton
%
When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again.  The fans with the cigars and
the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
the street and foreign presidents.  It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
he's in shape.  Old hat.  I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
questions like a senator.
		-- Muhammad Ali
%
When in doubt, lead trump.
%
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
%
Winning isn't everything.  It's the only thing.
		-- Vince Lombardi
%
Woman:      "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
%
A father doesn't destroy his children.
		-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
		   stardate 3468.1.
%
A little suffering is good for the soul.
		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
%
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and
licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
%
A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect her.
		-- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3
%
A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even
his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
		-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.
		-- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
%
A woman should have compassion.
		-- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
%
Actual war is a very messy business.  Very, very messy business.
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,
after all, as "wanting."  It is not logical, but it is often true.
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
%
All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
%
Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be
located on a natural invasion route.
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4
%
Another dream that failed.  There's nothing sadder.
		-- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
%
Another war ... must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost
in this way? ...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death ...
		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
enough to play around with that.
		-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
Beam me up, Scotty!
%
Beam me up, Scotty!  It ate my phaser!
%
Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
%
	"Beauty is transitory."
	"Beauty survives."
		-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
Blast medicine anyway!  We've learned to tie into every organ in the
human body but one.  The brain!  The brain is what life is all about.
		-- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
%
Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
%
But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
%
But it's real.  And if it's real it can be affected ...  we may not be able
to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it.
		-- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
%
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with
jealousy, greed, hate ..."

"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --
the other side of the coin"
		-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?",
		   stardate 2712.4
%
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
%
Change is the essential process of all existence.
		-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
%
Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had.  Maybe it's
the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to
serve under them.  Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one
man.  And nothing can replace it or him.
		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
Conquest is easy. Control is not.
		-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
%
Dammit Jim, I'm an actor, not a doctor.
%
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
		-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
Death.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all about.
That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
%
Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had the
whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you, I feel
like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
		-- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
%
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
her by ..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you ...  the
sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the wind and
the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours ... you can feel her
... and the stars are still there.
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers
-- the living and the dying.
		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
%
Each kiss is as the first.
		-- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome",
		   stardate 4842.6
%
EARL GREY PROFILES

NAME:		Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
OCCUPATION:	Starship Big Cheese
AGE:		94
BIRTHPLACE:	Paris, Terra Sector
EYES:		Grey
SKIN:		Tanned
HAIR:		Not much
LAST MAGAZINE READ:
		Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
TEA:		Earl Grey.  Hot.

EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
%
Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
%
Either one of us, by himself, is expendable.  Both of us are not.
		-- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
%
Emotions are alien to me.  I'm a scientist.
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
%
Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same mistakes.
		-- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
%
Every living thing wants to survive.
		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
	"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
	"Or by misleading the innocent."
		-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
		   stardate 5029.5.
%
Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
%
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
		-- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
First study the enemy.  Seek weakness.
		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
		-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
	"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
	"It is our worship word too."
		-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.  You can't simply say,
"Today I will be brilliant."
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
	"Get back to your stations!"
	"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
		-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
		   stardate 3417.3
%
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
%
He's dead, Jim.
		-- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
%
History tends to exaggerate.
		-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
		-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6
%
I am pleased to see that we have differences.  May we together become
greater than the sum of both of us.
		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to
any question.
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
%
I object to intellect without discipline;  I object to power without
constructive purpose.
		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever
logically needs to be done.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
%
	"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
and death --"
	"And make them spend it on life."
		-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
		   stardate unknown.
%
I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were right,
they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its pleasures.  I feel
it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
		-- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
		-- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
		   the idea of a doomsday machine.
"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
		-- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
		   Ellen up a steep incline.
"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
		-- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
		-- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
		   Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
		-- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
		-- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
		   that Kirk talked strangely.
"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
		-- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
		   aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
		-- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
		   physical exam to answer the alert.
%
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
%
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
I've already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise.
		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
%
If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
tend to protect that child.
		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
		-- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
		-- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
%
If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
%
Immortality consists largely of boredom.
		-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.
		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
%
Insufficient facts always invite danger.
		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
		-- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?"  stardate 3468.1
%
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
		-- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
%
Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the
learning of each other?
		-- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
		   Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3.
%
Is truth not truth for all?
		-- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
		   the Sky", stardate 5476.4.
%
It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is
logical and beneficial.  We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for
personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if
they're attractive in some way.
		-- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
%
It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
It is necessary to have purpose.
		-- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers.
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.
		-- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3
%
It would be illogical to kill without reason.
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted.
		-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
	"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can
do so much harm."
	"That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's what kept
the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A mistaken idea."
		-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
%
Killing is stupid; useless!
		-- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
Killing is wrong.
		-- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
%
Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
100% Damage to life support!!!!
%
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
Landru! Guide us!
		-- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
%
Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
		-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
	"Life and death are seldom logical."
	"But attaining a desired goal always is."
		-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
%
Live long and prosper.
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
	"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
	"You admit that?"
	"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
		-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
%
Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
		-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
		   stardate unknown
%
Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3
%
Madness has no purpose.  Or reason.  But it may have a goal.
		-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
%
Many Myths are based on truth
		-- Spock, "The Way to Eden",  stardate 5832.3
%
Men of peace usually are [brave].
		-- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
		-- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8
%
Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
		-- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4
%
Mind your own business, Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
%
Most legends have their basis in facts.
		-- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
%
Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
		-- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
No more blah, blah, blah!
		-- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6
%
No one can guarantee the actions of another.
		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
No one may kill a man.  Not for any purpose.  It cannot be condoned.
		-- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
%
	"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
	"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
		-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
		   stardate 5906.5.
%
No one wants war.
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
%
No problem is insoluble.
		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
%
Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
		-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow",
		   stardate 4770.3.
%
Oh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy and
it's still the same song.
		-- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
%
On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy.  To me, it
is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
instead of saving it.
		-- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2
%
One does not thank logic.
		-- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for
advice without necessarily having to take it.
		-- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2
%
Only a fool fights in a burning house.
		-- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest.  When we do battle, it
is only because we have no choice.
		-- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
Our way is peace.
		-- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses",
		   stardate 4040.7.
%
Pain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled.
		-- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
%
Peace was the way.
		-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
%
Phasers locked on target, Captain.
%
Power is danger.
		-- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
		-- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever",
		   stardate unknown
%
Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point.  Men become insensitive.
		-- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
%
Respect is a rational process
		-- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
Romulan women are not like Vulcan females.  We are not dedicated to
pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
		-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident",
		   stardate 5027.3
%
Schshschshchsch.
		-- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2
%
She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n!  The batteries are dead!
%
Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
%
Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
		-- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
		   stardate unknown.
%
Space: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
		-- Captain James T. Kirk
%
Spock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
%
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
%
Star Trek Lives!
%
Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8
%
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
	"That unit is a woman."
	"A mass of conflicting impulses."
		-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
%
The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
		-- Scotty
%
	"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
	"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
		-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
The face of war has never changed.  Surely it is more logical to heal
than to kill.
		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar
pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
		-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
		   stardate 4041.2
%
	"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
	"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty."
		-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?",
		   stardate 5630.8
%
The heart is not a logical organ.
		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
%
The idea of male and female are universal constants.
		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
		-- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8
%
The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often a noose.
%
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.
		-- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8
%
The only solution is ... a balance of power.  We arm our side with exactly
that much more.  A balance of power -- the trickiest, most difficult,
dirtiest game of them all.  But the only one that preserves both sides.
		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred.  That
the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of
destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
		-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
%
... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get
to know each other.
		-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
%
	"The release of emotion is what keeps us health.  Emotionally healthy."
	"That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy release
of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
		-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
%
The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
		-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
%
The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
		-- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
%
... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
failures and the glorious victories.
		-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
There are always alternatives.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
There are certain things men must do to remain men.
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4
%
There are some things worth dying for.
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
%
There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face
.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves as gods.
		-- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
%
There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
		-- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
%
There is an old custom among my people.  When a woman saves a man's
life, he is grateful.
		-- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War",
		   stardate 4211.8.
%
There is an order of things in this universe.
		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
%
There's a way out of any cage.
		-- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
		   stardate unknown.
%
There's another way to survive.  Mutual trust -- and help.
		-- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There is
nothing good in war.  Except its ending.
		-- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just another
life form, that's all.  You get used to those things.
		-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
	"There's only one kind of woman ..."
	"Or man, for that matter.  You either believe in yourself or you don't."
		-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
%
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
		-- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
%
Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not stopped.
		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
		-- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
%
To live is always desirable.
		-- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9
%
Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
		-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
%
Totally illogical, there was no chance.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages.  And we can all
be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
		-- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
%
Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
%
Virtue is a relative term.
		-- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1
%
Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
		-- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
%
Vulcans do not approve of violence.
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
Vulcans never bluff.
		-- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1
%
Vulcans worship peace above all.
		-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
%
Wait!  You have not been prepared!
		-- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
%
War is never imperative.
		-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
War isn't a good life, but it's life.
		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
[War] is instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought.  We're human
beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!  But we
can stop it.  We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
to kill today.  That's all it takes!  Knowing that we're not going to
kill today!
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
%
We do not colonize.  We conquer.  We rule.  There is no other way for us.
		-- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
%
We fight only when there is no other choice.  We prefer the ways of
peaceful contact.
		-- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3
%
We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior
development.
		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7
%
We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
		-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
%
	"We have the right to survive!"
	"Not by killing others."
		-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
%
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the strong
should live.
		-- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
%
We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
%
We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
But when it comes to your job -- that's different.  And it always will
be different.
		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
%
	"What happened to the crewman?"
	"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in
the way."
		-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
		   stardate 4731.3.
%
What kind of love is that?  Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
		-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
		   stardate 3219.8
%
	"What terrible way to die."
	"There are no good ways."
		-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --
and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
what it was taught, thinks independently.
		-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
		   stardate 4731.3.
%
When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,
building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left
behind by your ancestors.  You just sit living and reliving other lives
left behind in the thought records.
		-- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
%
Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
%
Witch!  Witch!  They'll burn ya!
		-- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
%
Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically.  You must rely on
your human intuition.
		-- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
%
Without followers, evil cannot spread.
		-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
%
Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
		-- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
%
Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more
sheer horror than the male of the species.
		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
%
Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
		-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before",
		   stardate 1312.9.
%
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman.
		-- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
%
Yes, it is written.  Good shall always destroy evil.
		-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
You are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in
command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
		-- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes!
%
You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries.  But
you imprison those who employ it privately.
		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
%
You go slow, be gentle.  It's no one-way street -- you know how you
feel and that's all.  It's how the girl feels too.  Don't press.  If
the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
		-- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
%
You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude.  "You're
welcome," I believe, is the correct response.
		-- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
%
You say you are lying.  But if everything you say is a lie, then you are
telling the truth.  You cannot tell the truth because everything you say
is a lie.  You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for you lie.
		-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
You speak of courage.  Obviously you do not know the difference between
courage and foolhardiness.  Always it is the brave ones who die, the soldiers.
		-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
		   stardate 3201.7
%
You!  What PLANET is this!
		-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
%
You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
to be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
to each other.  That's what we call love.  You'll like that a lot.
		-- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
%
You're dead, Jim.
		-- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
You're dead, Jim.
		-- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
%
You're too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman.
		-- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
%
Youth doesn't excuse everything.
		-- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder",
		   stardate 5928.5.
%
A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
to have a name.  This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
should be masculine or feminine.
	After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
	"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends.  Most of
them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
	He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
belt in judo.  She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
	The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
asked.
	"Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
masculine."
	"Unhhh...  Well, why not?"
	"Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
it to.  And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say...  `Each Nissan, she
go!'"

	[No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
	martial art.  (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.)  Ed.]
%
Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
%
Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null --
und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
%
Ego sum ens omnipotens.
%
Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
%
Hodie natus est radici frater.
%
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
%
Klatu barada nikto.
%
Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
%
Qvid me anxivs svm?
%
Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Regnant populi.
%
semper en excretus
%
SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
%
sillema sillema nika su
%
Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
%
Sum quod eris.
%
Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme personne n'ecoute, il faut
toujours recommencer.
		-- A. Gide
%
Verba volant, scripta manent!
%
(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
(2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
(3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
(4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
	the social ramble ain't restful.
(5) Avoid running at all times.
(6) Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
		-- S. Paige, c. 1951
%
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.
%
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now.  But the
sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
		-- Stanislaw Lem
%
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated.  But an authentic soothsayer should
be shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
		-- R.A. Heinlein
%
A halted retreat
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
To retain people as men -- and maidservants
Brings good fortune.
%
A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks.
		-- Lew Col
%
A man said to the Universe:
	"Sir, I exist!"
	"However," replied the Universe,
	"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
		-- Stephen Crane
%
A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
	"It is right before your eyes," said the master.
	"Why do I not see it for myself?"
	"Because you are thinking of yourself."
	"What about you: do you see it?"
	"So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
	"When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
	"When there is neither `I' nor `You',
who is the one that wants to see it?"
%
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out on
loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom do you believe,"
asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
%
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 
Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
%
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
	And the Master answered:
	It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
	It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
	And that is Fate?  said the priest.
	Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
	That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know
what Freight was too.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
A sad spectacle.  If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
		-- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
%
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
vocation?"
	The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
their minds.  Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands.  This is
the same in nature as it is with man.  Some animals acquire their food easily,
such as rabbits, hogs and goats.  Other animals must fiercely struggle for
their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants.  So you see, the nature of
the vocation must fit the individual.
	"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
scholar sobbed.
	Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
%
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
%
A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side.  Knowing
that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
watched the teacher closely.  "Why do you blow on your hands?"  "To warm
myself in the cold."  Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
and the newcomer, and blew on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?"
"To cool the soup."  Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
%
Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 
Or what's a heaven for ?
		-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
%
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
		-- Dante Alighieri
%
All men know the utility of useful things;
but they do not know the utility of futility.
		-- Chuang-tzu
%
All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
		-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
%
All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
		-- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
%
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these eyes
we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.
		-- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%
	An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
	Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the
hour of separation.
		-- Kahlil Gibran
%
Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
big field of rye and all.  Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
nobody big, I mean -- except me.  And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
cliff.  What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.  That's all I'd do
all day.  I'd just be the catcher in the rye.  I know it;  I know it's crazy,
but that's the only thing I'd really like to be.  I know it's crazy.
		-- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
%
	Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
preaching to a group of disciples.
	"Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
the absolute reality of --"
	"Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
vaporized.
	On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
with the spirit of the morning.
	"Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
"Thou art That..."
	"Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
and he vaporized.
	Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
	"US?" snapped Hakuin.
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
Governor, and he vaporized.
	Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
his shotgun.  "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
%
Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
		-- Muad'dib, "Dune"
%
As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
the meaning of existence.  Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
		-- Joseph Brodsky
%
At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
my soul.  At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
ignorance upon the shore.
		-- Kahlil Gibran
%
At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, and no further activities
are scheduled.
%
At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
The image of Providing Nourishment.
Thus the superior man is careful of his words
And temperate in eating and drinking.
%
Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
		-- Jean Anouilh
%
	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
	took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
his followers.
	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to
know the answers.
		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
%
Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
wiser.  But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
		-- The Mahabharata
%
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
		-- Howard Chaykin
%
Certainly the game is rigged.

Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
		-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
%
Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
		-- Anatole France
%
			Chapter 1

The story so far:

	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
		-- Douglas Adams?
%
	"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which way I
ought to go from here?"
	"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
	"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
	"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
%
Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
		-- Herodotus
%
Coincidences are spiritual puns.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
		-- Erma Bombeck
%
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
		-- R. Geis
%
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
%
Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
%
Death is only a state of mind.

Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
%
Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
%
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help
the rabbit.
		-- R.E. Shay
%
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
		-- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
%
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
Ditat Deus.
	[God enriches]
%
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%
Do not despair of life.  You have no doubt force enough to overcome your
obstacles.  Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night
for something to satisfy his hunger.  Notwithstanding cold and hounds and
traps, his race survives.  I do not believe any of them ever committed suicide.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Do not seek death; death will find you.  But seek the road which makes death
a fulfillment.
		-- Dag Hammarskjold
%
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
%
Do what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you'll
learn what it's for.
%
	"Do you think there's a God?"
	"Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"
		-- Calvin and Hobbs
%
Do your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
%
Don't abandon hope.  Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%
Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
		-- Baretta
%
Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
%
Don't kid yourself.  Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
%
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
%
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
%
Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
%
Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
%
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
		-- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
%
Down with categorical imperative!
%
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.
%
During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair wind; batten
down during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your colors proudly.
%
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  My advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it.
		-- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
%
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
%
Each of us bears his own Hell.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
		-- Groucho Marx's last words
%
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged.  The natural
inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
		-- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
%
Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
drawn them there.  What you choose to do with them is up to you.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Everything ends badly.  Otherwise it wouldn't end.
%
Everything in this book may be wrong.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Everything is possible.  Pass the word.
		-- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
%
Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
		-- Marcus Aurelius
%
Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
%
Facts are the enemy of truth.
		-- Don Quixote
%
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
		-- Sir Walter Raleigh
%
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
%
Faith is under the left nipple.
		-- Martin Luther
%
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
"I" do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality and remembers
words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
knows them in the naming.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
%
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
%
For good, return good.
For evil, return justice.
%
For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
implacable grandeur of this life.
		-- Albert Camus
%
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
%
Force has no place where there is need of skill.
		-- Herodotus
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
	Never goose a wolverine.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
	Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
%
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
%
From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
		-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
%
Getting into trouble is easy.
		-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
%
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
%
Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
		-- William Faulkner
%
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
%
God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.
		-- De Caussade
%
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
		-- Alfred Jarry
%
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
		-- Paul Valery
%
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
		-- George Saunders' dying words
%
Goodbye, cool world.
%
Got a dictionary?  I want to know the meaning of life.
%
Great acts are made up of small deeds.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
****  GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE

For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. Tired of
being genuine all the time?  Would you like to learn how to be a little
phony again?  Have you disclosed so much that you're beginning to avoid
people? Have you touched so many people that they're all beginning to
feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? Are perfect orgasms
beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, not to express a
feeling?  Or better yet, not be in touch with it at all?  Come to us.  We
promise to relieve you of the burden of your great potential.
%
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
%
Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
%
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
		-- Oscar Levant
%
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
		-- Socrates
%
He has shown you, o man, what is good.  And what does the Lord ask of you,
but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly before your God?
%
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
%
He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
		-- Sir Richard Burton
%
He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
		-- B. Franklin
%
He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
slashing his abdomen with a knife.  Just as the pupil was about to comply,
the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
		-- Eric Van Lustbader
%
He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
the human condition is a fool.
		-- Albert Camus
%
He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him.
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.
%
He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
	he knows something.  Or something like that.
%
He who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is enlightened.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
He who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
	...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
does he hate it.  Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
self-propagating.
		-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
%
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
if you're alive, it isn't.
%
How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
in the waking state?
		-- Plato
%
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
		-- William Allen White
%
I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives.  I don't see why
I should have to believe in it in this one.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or
whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
		-- Chuang-tzu
%
I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
I ask nothing but sincerity.  If they come out of habit, they become tiresome.
		-- I Ching
%
"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
		-- Gotama Buddha
%
I hate dying.
		-- Dave Johnson
%
I have a simple philosophy:

	Fill what's empty.
	Empty what's full.
	Scratch where it itches.
		-- A. R. Longworth
%
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
I hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good.
That would be dishonest.
%
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
%
I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a
living death?
		-- St. Augustine
%
	"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a
guru at all?
		-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
%
If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his
reverence for all of life.
		-- Albert Schweitzer
%
If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don't say embrace trouble; that's
as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for
you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%
If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time.  I
would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
trip.  I know of very few things I would take seriously.  I would be crazier.
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets.  I'd
travel and see.  I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.  Oh, I have had my moments and,
if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them.  In fact, I'd try to
have nothing else.  Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
years ahead each day.  I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
lighter than I have.  If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.  I would play hooky
more.  I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more.  I would
ride on more merry-go-rounds.  I'd pick more daisies.
%
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
you've got in the house.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
If men are not afraid to die,
it is of no avail to threaten them with death.

If men live in constant fear of dying,
And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
Who will dare to break the law?

There is always an official executioner.
If you try to take his place,
It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
	you will only hurt your hand.
		-- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
%
If something has not yet gone wrong then it would ultimately have been
beneficial for it to go wrong.
%
If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have
been wasted.
%
If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
		-- Anatole France
%
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
%
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
of this life.
		-- Albert Camus
%
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
%
If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
		-- John Sinclair
%
If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
If you are for yourself, then what are you?
If not now, when?
%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%
If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become
your next problem.
%
If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
%
If you have to hate, hate gently.
%
If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
%
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
%
If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
		-- Simone de Beauvoir
%
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
		-- Maslow
%
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
%
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
%
If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having done its damage.
If it was bad, it will be back.
%
If you want divine justice, die.
		-- Nick Seldon
%
If your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss.
%
If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do
have a problem.
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
		-- Voltaire
%
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
%
In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In work, be competent.
In action, be careful of your timing.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
you're what's left.
%
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
It is not always an easy sacrifice.
%
In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
		-- Ann Frank
%
In the long run we are all dead.
		-- John Maynard Keynes
%
In the next world, you're on your own.
%
Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
		-- M.D. Epstein
%
Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
		-- Edgar W. Howe
%
Intellect annuls Fate.
So far as a man thinks, he is free.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
%
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
%
It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
that makes life blessed.
		-- Goethe
%
It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
at all.  And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
is the only thing that makes the result come true.
		-- William James
%
It is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is
invisible to the eye.
		-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
%
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly
ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?
%
It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
devil when he is the only explanation of it.
		-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
%
It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works
and has his being.
		-- Thomas Carlyle
%
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
%
It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
		-- Washlesky
%
It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.
		-- Stirling Moss
%
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
%
	"It's today!" said Piglet.
	"My favorite day," said Pooh.
%
It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never know when everything may
suddenly stop happening.
%
Joshu:	What is the true Way?
Nansen:	Every way is the true Way.
J:	Can I study it?
N:	The more you study, the further from the Way.
J:	If I don't study it, how can I know it?
N:	The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
	It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown.  Do
	not seek it, study it, or name it.  To find yourself on it, open
	yourself as wide as the sky.
%
Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
		-- Buckaroo Bonzai
%
Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
		-- Muad'dib [Frank Herbert, "Dune"]
%
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.
		-- James Thurber
%
Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
%
Life exists for no known purpose.
%
Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
		-- Helen Keller
%
Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
%
Life is like a 10 speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use.
		-- C. Schultz
%
Life is like a sewer.  What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
Life is the childhood of our immortality.
		-- Goethe
%
Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.
		-- Joseph Pintauro
%
Life is the urge to ecstasy.
%
Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which
you disapprove.
%
Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
		-- Dag Hammarskjold
%
Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
		-- Thomas J. Kopp
%
Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be?  And if, y'know,
if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I?  And if not
now, like I dunno, maybe like when?  And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
like the Rolling Stones?
		-- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
		   attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
%
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having bees
live in your head.  But, there they are.
%
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
%
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
pain and his aloneness without regret?
		-- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
%
Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
%
[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
		-- S. Kierkegaard
%
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him
how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
%
	Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top of the
graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
	These are the things I learned:  Share everything.  Play fair.  Don't
hit people.  Put things back where you found them.  Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.   Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
Wash your hands before you eat.  Flush.  Warm cookies and cold milk are good
for you.  Live a balanced life.  Learn some and think some and draw and paint
and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
	Take a nap every afternoon.  When you go out into the world, watch for
traffic, hold hands, and stick together.  Be aware of wonder.  Remember the
little seed in the plastic cup.   The roots go down and the plant goes up and
nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.  Goldfish and
hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
die.  So do we.
	And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK.  Everything you need to know is in
there somewhere.  The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.  Ecology and
politics and sane living.
	Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
our blankets for a nap.  Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
messes.  And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
		-- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
		   in kindergarten"
%
Murphy was an optimist.
%
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
%
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
		-- Christopher Morley
%
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant said
"My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone might steal it."
%
Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the villagers but the
stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The remaining villager
asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
were spoken to.
%
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk into your
shop?"
	"Of course."
	"Have you ever seen me before?"
	"Never."
	"Then how do you know it was me?"
%
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun."
	"Why?", he was asked.
	"Because at night we need the light more."
%
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his
hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!  You
have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
%
Ninety percent of everything is crap.
		-- Theodore Sturgeon
%
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
		-- Augustine
%
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
		-- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
%
No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
%
No use getting too involved in life -- you're only here for a limited time.
%
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
%
Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
		-- E.M. Forster
%
Normal times may possibly be over forever.
%
Not every question deserves an answer.
%
Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
%
Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
	Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
		Or as finished as it seems in the end.
%
Nothing is but what is not.
%
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
%
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
		-- Michel de Montaigne
%
Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
		-- Arthur Balfour
%
Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
to know so much and have control over nothing.
		-- Herodotus
%
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
		-- H.R. Haldeman
%
	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But one creature
said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going.  I shall
let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that current
you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
die quicker than boredom!"
	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time,
as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the Messiah, come
to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
		-- Richard Bach
%
Once you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier
to change your mind.
%
	One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
an enlightened state.  Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
went to speak with him.
	"We have heard that you are enlightened.  Is this true?" his fellow
students inquired.
	"It is", Kyogen answered.
	"Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
	"As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
%
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald announced,
"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The captain of the
guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth -- the alternative
is death by hanging."
	"I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
	"I don't believe you."
	"Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
	"But that would make it the truth!"
	"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
%
One learns to itch where one can scratch.
		-- Ernest Bramah
%
One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
%
One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it
live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."
%
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
		-- Baba Ram Dass
%
Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about
can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.
		-- Laurie Anderson
%
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
when there is no longer anything to take away.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
%
Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
		-- John Keats
%
Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
%
Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
%
Reality does not exist -- yet.
%
Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
		-- Patrick Sky
%
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
%
Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
		-- Alvy Ray Smith
%
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
%
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
	-- Lily Tomlin
%
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
		-- Philip K. Dick
%
Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
the first one.
		-- Confusion
%
Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
%
Seeing is believing.  You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
%
Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
burst out in laughter.
		-- Long Chen Pa
%
So little time, so little to do.
		-- Oscar Levant
%
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
		-- Seneca
%
Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
%
Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
no means the only 'certain' standard.  If you mistake what is relative for
something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
		-- Chuang Tzu
%
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
The Path there is, but none who travel it.
		-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
%
Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes
a-begging.
		-- Martin Luther
%
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
and they'll call you crazy.
		-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
%
That that is is that that is not is not.
%
That, that is, is.
That, that is not, is not.
That, that is, is not that, that is not.
That, that is not, is not that, that is.
%
The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
		-- A. Camus
%
The best you get is an even break.
		-- Franklin Adams
%
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
		-- G. Fitch
%
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
		-- Eric Sevareid
%
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
		-- Alfred Adler
%
The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
%
The door is the key.
%
The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
own capacity. ...  Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
of the center.  Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
what they could do to repay his kindness.  They had noticed that, whereas
everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
so on, Chaos had none.  So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
in him.  Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
		-- Chuang Tzu
%
The farther you go, the less you know.
		-- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
%
The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
		-- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
%
The first requisite for immortality is death.
		-- Stanislaw Lem
%
The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
		-- Sophocles
%
The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
		-- Marcus Terentius Varro
%
The major sin is the sin of being born.
		-- Samuel Beckett
%
The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
and tragedy.  What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
master calls a butterfly.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
robbers there will be.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
%
The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
%
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably
not true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
%
The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
experience it as such.  Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid.  Whoever
could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
swift.  Thinking of oneself gives little happiness.  If, however, one feels
much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
oneself but of one's ideal.  This is far, and only the swift shall reach
it and are delighted.
		-- Nietzsche
%
The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
and the pessimist knows it.
		-- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
almost gently.  The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
		-- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
%
The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases:
"Let our thoughts be correct".
		-- Confucius
%
The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
		-- C. Glymour.
%
The questions remain the same.  The answers are eternally variable.
%
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but
that's the way to bet.
		-- Damon Runyon
%
The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits,
but not when it misses.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
The savior becomes the victim.
%
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
%
The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
		-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
%
The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height
but just above the ground.  It seems more designed to make people stumble
than to be walked upon.
		-- Franz Kafka
%
The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
		-- Stanley Kubrick
%
The truth you speak has no past and no future.  It is, and that's all it
needs to be.
%
The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
		-- Baba Ram Dass
%
There are no winners in life, only survivors.
%
There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of
discovering them over and over and over.
		-- David Nichols
%
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
		-- Mahatma Gandhi
%
There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.
		-- Cato
%
There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
		-- George Santayana
%
There is no sin but ignorance.
		-- Christopher Marlowe
%
There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
	"And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
	"I could have answered it if I had been there."
	"Very well.  He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
the middle of the night?'"
%
There's only one everything.
%
To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
%
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
%
To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
%
To have died once is enough.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
To lead people, you must follow behind.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
Truth has no special time of its own.  Its hour is now -- always.
		-- Albert Schweitzer
%
Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
%
Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
of him that brought her birth.
		-- Milton
%
Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man said,
"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
his forehead.  Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the
man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and
the case is dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it
and must pay three silver pieces."
%
Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
with all due respect for their breakfast.  "I wonder why it is that
toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
	"Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing.  Look
at this."  And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
dry side.
	"So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
	"What am I to say?  You obviously buttered the wrong side."
%
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
		-- Euripides
%
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
		-- Yates
%
We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
		-- Margaret Mead
%
We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get
back to normal, and that they already have.
%
We have reason to be afraid.  This is a terrible place.
		-- John Berryman
%
We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
We're all in this alone.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
but those are only handicaps.  Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
then, we do our best.  A few times we succeed.  What more dare we ask for?
		-- Ensign Flandry
%
"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
desert, in this marvelous time.  I wanted to convince you that you must
learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
		-- Don Juan
%
	Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
	Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen.  In it his mind floated freely,
able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
undistracted by any outside disturbances.  Logical structures no longer
inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
not evident to ordinary vision.  Like beads strung on a string of their own
meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
all.  Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
all others.  And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
	Time passed, unheeded.
	Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
		-- Wayfarer
%
Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
		-- Buckaroo Banzai
%
"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."
		-- The Mahabharata.
%
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
		-- Nietzsche
%
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
%
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%
What we Are is God's gift to us.
What we Become is our gift to God.
%
Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
		-- Gandhi
%
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
%
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
		-- Voltaire
%
When the wind is great, bow before it;
when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
%
When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
your parents' limitations...  At the same time, you feel sure that in all
the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
vital something that can be known -- known and grasped.  That we will
eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
narrative.  So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
But it isn't like that at all.  But if it isn't, where did the idea come
from, to torture and unsettle us?
		-- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
%
When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
		-- Brooke Shields
%
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
		-- J. Winter Smith
%
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
%
[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
		-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
%
With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
%
Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder.
		-- Socrates, quoting Plato
	[Huh?  That's like Johnson quoting Boswell]
%
	Work Hard.
	Rock Hard.
	Eat Hard.
	Sleep Hard.
	Grow Big.
	Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
		-- The Webb Wilder Credo
%
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
%
You are never given a wish without also being given the
power to make it true.  You may have to work for it, however.
		-- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
		   the Advanced Soul"
%
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
		-- Tim Leary
%
You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
%
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
%
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
		-- Jeannette Rankin
%
You can observe a lot just by watching.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
%
You can't get there from here.
%
You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
%
You can't push on a string.
%
You can't run away forever,
But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
		-- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
%
"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
		   Over and Over"
%
You can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line.
%
You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads
lead down.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
%
You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
		-- Lois Platford
%
You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
	"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
fit to hear his view of things?"
	"Quite the contrary.  You must defend your integrity, assuming
you have integrity to defend.  But you must defend it nobly, not by
imitating his own low behavior.  If you are gentle where he is rough,
if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
potentially worthy.  If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
and you may feel free to kick his ass."
		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
You will always find something in the last place you look.
%
"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said.  "Anything that seems
of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method.  You will strengthen
yourself in this way."
		-- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
%
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
%
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
%
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.  Being
true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
mark of a fake messiah.  The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?  Where is your home?  Where are you going?  What
are you doing?  Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
change.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
%
Your wig steers the gig.
		-- Lord Buckley
%
(1)	Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
	furniture, shelves, and showcases.
(2)	Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
	Wash the windows once a week.
(3)	Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
	coal for the day's business.
(4)	Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your
	individual taste.
(5)	This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
	on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each
	employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
	church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
		    Works, 1872
%
(6)	Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
	purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
(7)	After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
	office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
	and other good books.
(8)	Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
	sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
	so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
(9)	Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
	in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
	shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
	his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
(10)	The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
	without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
	five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
	business permit it.
		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872
%
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
		-- Robert Frost
%
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
%
A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
		-- Paul Valery
%
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
		-- Milton Berle
%
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
%
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the
seed from which other committees will bloom.
		-- Parkinson
%
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
		-- R. Stallman
%
A company is known by the men it keeps.
%
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
%
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
		-- Dyer
%
A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
each corner.  The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device.  Here also are
the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
	At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller.  The central portion
houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit.  Briefly, this consists of four
fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
of flexible plumbing.  This assembly also contains the central heating plant
complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
ventilating system.  The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
this central section.
	Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
colors.  Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year.  In
brief, the main external visible features of the cow are:  two lookers, two
hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
%
A feed salesman is on his way to a farm.  As he's driving along at forty
m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
alongside him, keeping pace with his car.  He is amazed that a chicken is
running at forty m.p.h.  So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
m.p.h.  The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
takes off and disappears into the distance.
	The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
	"Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours.  You see, there's
me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy.  Whenever we had chicken for
dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
have a drumstick."
	"How do they taste?" said the farmer.
	"Don't know," replied the farmer.  "We haven't been able to catch
one yet."
%
A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
%
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.
%
A man is known by the company he organizes.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
%
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
		-- Dean Acheson
%
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
%
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
%
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
has no excuse for further procrastination.
%
A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.
%
... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
a fly-by-night.  These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
Bigger Propositions.  But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
%
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
sitting in the yard watching the pig.  
	"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 
	"Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
	"Amazing!"  the salesman exlaimed.
	"And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.  
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
	"Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
	The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you 
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
%
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
		-- Herbert Hoover
%
According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the
national average  (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for
Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
sheepish grin" comes from.
%
According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the
earlier reports.
%
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
		-- Sinclair Lewis
%
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
		-- George Orwell
%
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it.
%
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
%
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
%
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
%
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you subscribe
to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the
cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
going to read the paper?  Outside?  What if it rains?"
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody 
believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
		-- J. Feiffer
%
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.
Money's just the way we keep score.
		-- Henry Tyroon
%
All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.
%
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
%
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for employees who are
educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and
the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
		-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
%
An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
who has seen the Managing Director face on).
		-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
%
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed 
to be doing at the moment.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
		-- Publius Syrus
%
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.
%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
%
"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
%
At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
		-- Peter G. Alaquon
%
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
%
Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
%
Been Transferred Lately?
%
... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility.  What
did it matter what anyone knew or ignored?  What did it matter who was
manager?  One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
power of meddling.
		-- Joseph Conrad
%
Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
great effort pushing boulders into a single word.

It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
both Parliament and Party.

It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
planets, this may be the first message received from us.
		-- The Realist, November, 1964.
%
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
a new wearer of clothes.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Biz is better.
%
Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
%
Bullwinkle:	You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit.
General:	What does that make YOU?
Bullwinkle:	What else?  An executive.
		-- Jay Ward
%
Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules.
You keep score with money.
		-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
%
Business will be either better or worse.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws."
%
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a
brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and
lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the
phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where
it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.  But Edison's
greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company.
Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit:
the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then
immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is
the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of
electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few
customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the
last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937;
the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is
why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
	By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were
still five feet between rails.
	It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
in one day.  This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
of 1886.  For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
could run on the new track as soon as it was ready.  Finally, on the day set,
great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn.  Everywhere one
rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
new position.  By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
was possible.
		-- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
%
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be
boss and work twelve.
		-- Robert Frost
%
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
%
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.
%
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
%
Chairman of the Bored.
%
Column 1		Column 2		Column 3

0. integrated		0. management		0. options
1. total		1. organizational	1. flexibility
2. systematized		2. monitored		2. capability
3. parallel		3. reciprocal		3. mobility
4. functional		4. digital		4. programming
5. responsive		5. logistical		5. concept
6. optional		6. transitional		6. time-phase
7. synchronized		7. incremental		7. projection
8. compatible		8. third-generation	8. hardware
9. balanced		9. policy		9. contingency

	The procedure is simple.  Think of any three-digit number, then select
the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.  "No
one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
		-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
%
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.
%
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of
the beholder.
		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%
Competitive fury is not always anger.  It is the true missionary's courage
and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.
		-- Gene Scott
%
... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
business, it probably would be gibberish.
		-- Thom McLeod
%
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
		-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
%
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to
stick to one thing till it gets there.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
%
Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
		-- James Blish
%
Dealing with failure is easy:
	Work hard to improve.
Success is also easy to handle:
	You've solved the wrong problem.
	Work hard to improve.
%
Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
		-- C.N. Parkinson
%
Dear Lord:
	I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
the other hand", again.
%
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being.
%
	"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
	"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
	"I've never done anything illegal before."
	"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
%
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
%
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.  Cheat.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
		-- James J. Ling
%
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!"
%
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
%
Drilling for oil is boring.
%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
%
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
	"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
%
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are?
%
Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
%
"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95."
%
Every man thinks God is on his side.  The rich and powerful know that he is.
		-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
%
Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster
than the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
up, you'd better be running.
%
"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work"
		-- Robert Orben
%
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
%
Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
the best one.
		-- Jack Hurley
%
Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
called for a small employee contribution.  The company was paying all
the rest.  Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
otherwise the plan was off.  Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
and cajoled, but to no avail.  Sam said the plan would never pay off.
Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
	"Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
a pen.  I want you to sign the papers.  I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
you're fired.  As of right now."
	Sam signed the papers immediately.
	"Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
couldn't have signed earlier?"
	"Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
clearly before."
%
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
		-- Arthur Miller
%
Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
	(1) They want it quick.
	(2) They want it good.
	(3) They want it cheap.
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
		-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
%
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
		-- Miller
%
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:

Support:  "You're not our only customer, you know."
Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
%
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
the work.
		-- John G. Pollard
%
	Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
	"One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
aggravate illusions.  Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
	"At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise.  I dozed off during this,
but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
energy policy and neither do you."
		-- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
%
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
%
Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
%
Fear is the greatest salesman.
		-- Robert Klein
%
Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions, right here!
%
For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
		-- Andy Capp
%
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
		-- Thomas Alva Edison
%
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
%
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Corollary:
	Following the rules will not get the job done.
%
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around,
I'd rather lie around.  No contest."
		-- Eric Clapton
%
God help those who do not help themselves.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
God helps them that themselves.
		-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanac"
%
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work.
%
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
		-- R.E. Schenk
%
Happiness is a positive cash flow.
%
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
		-- Charlie McCarthy
%
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you
`there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play?
%
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
		-- Bion
%
He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
%
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
%
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
%
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
%
	"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
	"Whattaya need?"
	"Oh, about $500."
	"Whattaya got for collateral?"
	"Whattaya need?"
	"How about an eye?"
		-- Sam Giancana
%
Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?

		WE CAN HELP!

Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
%
Hire the morally handicapped.
%
	Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to
pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber,
hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say "shop for," as
opposed to "obtain." This is the major drawback of home centers: they are
always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees.  The home center
employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy
applying little price stickers to every object -- every board, washer, nail
and screw -- in the entire store ...

	Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a
replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside
of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way
that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic
calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of these sometime
around the middle of next week."
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
		-- Plato
%
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
		-- F.M. Hubbard
%
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they
had towels from my house.
		-- Mark Guido
%
How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
%
How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
claim they'll make you?
%
	"How many people work here?"
	"Oh, about half."
%
Human resources are human first, and resources second.
		-- J. Garbers
%
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
reign.  My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go
buy some more."
		-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
%
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
%
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
%
I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it.
%
I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when
it has been used to commit a murder.
		-- M. Gallaher
%
I don't do it for the money.
		-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
%
I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
highly trained certified public accountants.
		-- Elvis Presley
%
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve
immortality through not dying.
		-- Woody Allen
%
	I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.
	Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything:  "I came
by subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
%
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
		-- John D. Rockefeller
%
I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
		-- Raoul Duke
%
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
		-- Bill Hoest
%
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
%
I never cheated an honest man, only rascals.  They wanted something for
nothing.  I gave them nothing for something.
		-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
%
I owe the public nothing.
		-- J.P. Morgan
%
I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
		-- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
%
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
		-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
%
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
%
I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
%
I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.
		-- David Rockefeller
%
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
		-- Henny Youngman
%
I:
	The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
	with a silk sow.  The same is true of money.
II:
	If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
	probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
III:
	There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
IV:
	If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
V:
	One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
	Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
	output.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had
lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
%
If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
If all else fails, lower your standards.
%
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
%
If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there
better be no trade.  A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.
		-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
%
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
%
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.  There's
got to be a better way.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
%
If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
		-- Douglas Jerrold
%
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
%
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
%
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
all be millionaires.
		-- Abigail Van Buren
%
If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
do something else.
	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
%
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play
for once!
%
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real
good, you will get out of it.
%
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will
cash your check.
%
If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
		-- Walter Hagen
%
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
		-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
%
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
		-- J. Paul Getty
%
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
%
If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.
%
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
%
If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time
to do it over?
%
If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
%
If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your
total incompetence.
%
If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
%
If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
		-- Neil Bogart
%
If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
		-- Swami Prabhupada
%
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
		-- Earl Wilson
%
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave
it to.
		-- Dorthy Parker
%
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
%
If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
		-- Ben Franklin
%
	If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The
"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a
large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the
week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after
which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more
money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S.
Senate.
	And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You
figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How difficult can
it be?"
	Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible, which
is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying other
people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far
less money.  This article can help you.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
it.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The
creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
%
In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
%
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
%
In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
%
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and
make it better.
%
In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
%
In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold.  100 feet to the north stands
a smart manager.  100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager.  100 feet to
the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.

Q:	Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A:	The dumb manager.  All the rest are myths.
%
Innovation is hard to schedule.
		-- Dan Fylstra
%
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
%
Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
%
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
%
It is better to live rich than to die rich.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
%
It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
%
It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
the vividly imaginative.  For although it may momentarily appear to be the
case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of
work to do.
		-- Jerome Klapka Jerome
%
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
%
It is not enough that I should succeed.  Others must fail.
		-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
		[Also attributed to David Merrick.  Ed.]

It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
		-- Gore Vidal
		[Great minds think alike?  Ed.]
%
It is ridiculous to call this an industry.  This is not.  This is rat eat
rat, dog eat dog.  I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 
kill me.  You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
		-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
%
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
%
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
%
It's fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
		-- Macy's
%
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.
		-- Daniel B. Luten
%
It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
		-- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
%
Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
%
Keep up the good work!  But please don't ask me to help.
%
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
%
Keep your Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now... try to get something DONE!
%
Lavish spending can be disastrous.  Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
%
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
%
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number.  Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
another number.
		-- James Estes
%
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
%
Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
%
Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
%
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
%
Lo!  Men have become the tool of their tools.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
interest rates, we don't need it."
%
Lonesome?

Like a change?
Like a new job?
Like excitement?
Like to meet new and interesting people?

JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
%
Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
con-men.  That's the way businesses get started.  That's the way this
country was built.
		-- Hubert Allen
%
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
		-- Frank Hubbard
%
Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
		-- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
%
Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
		-- P.E. Trudeau
%
Make headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
%
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
no dog exchanges bones with another.
		-- Adam Smith
%
Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
		-- Arthur R. Miller
%
Management:	How many feet do mice have?
Reply:		Mice have four feet.
M:	Elaborate!
R:	Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
M:	No discussion of fifth appendage!
R:	Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
M:	What?  Feet with no legs?
R:	Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
M:	Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
R:	Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
M:	Does not fully discuss the issue!
R:	Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.  Each leg
	is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
	is not equipped with a foot.
M:	Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful NO!
R:	Allotment of appendages for mice will be:  Four foot-leg assemblies,
	one tail.  Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
	constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
M:	Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
R:	Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
	integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.  Also
	attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
	ornamental in nature.
M:	Too verbose/scientific.  Answer the question!
R:	Mice have four feet.
%
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
%
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
%
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
%
Mater artium necessitas.
	[Necessity is the mother of invention].
%
Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
		-- Malcolm Smith
%
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
%
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
%
Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
		-- Leonardo da Vinci
%
Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
		-- Napoleon Bonaparte
%
Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and
it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin
very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important world events
such as agriculture, we're going to delete the next few square feet of the
woman's skin.  Thank you.]

... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran
cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices
with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first,
without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from
below.
		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%
Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
		-- Piers Anthony
%
Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while
you're being miserable.
		-- C.B. Luce
%
Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
		-- Christopher Marlowe
%
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
%
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
		-- Bob Dylan
%
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
%
Money is its own reward.
%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
%
Money is the root of all wealth.
%
Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
		-- Sir Edmond Stockdale
%
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
%
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
%
Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
		-- Andries van Dam
%
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll consider
their unacceptable offer.
%
Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
		-- Xaviera Hollander
	[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
%
My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
%
My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
%
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
		-- Errol Flynn

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
		-- Errol Flynn
%
"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb.  "Necessity
is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
		-- Lin Yutang
%
Never appeal to a man's "better nature."  He may not have one.
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss
the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
%
Never buy from a rich salesman.
		-- Goldenstern
%
Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
%
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
		-- Billy Rose
%
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
		-- Quentin Crisp
%
Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is
doing it.
%
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
%
Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them WHAT to do and they will
surprise you with their ingenuity.
		-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
%
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
%
Never try to teach a pig to sing.  It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
	NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
true value of the company.
	Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
their major Middle East subsidiaries.  To a person, the board voted to
reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of Nazareth.
%
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you've got nothing
else to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow
the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
		-- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
%
No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel --
anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under
such difficult conditions.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%
"No job too big; no fee too big!"
		-- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
%
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
%
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
%
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
		-- C. Schulz
%
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
%
No skis take rocks like rental skis!
%
No spitting on the Bus!
Thank you, The Mgt.
%
None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it necessary
to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 
ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job.  A man who knows a 
job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 
forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 
he is.  Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
		-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
%
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
%
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
		-- A.H. Weiler
%
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
		-- Nero Wolfe
%
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
%
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.
%
Nothing recedes like success.
		-- Walter Winchell
%
Nothing succeeds like excess.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Nothing succeeds like success.
		-- Alexandre Dumas
%
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
		-- Christopher Lascl
%
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
		-- Kim Hubbard
%
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first
overcome.
		-- Dr. Johnson
%
	Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool
sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
	Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they
have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and
malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration.  In either
the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an
obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of
a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental
notions of tools that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.
	This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if
you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct
sunlight.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
amount of hot air.
		-- Thomas L. Martin
%
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
%
Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it,
and sell it as fertilizer.
%
	One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
	Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the
one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
	So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
	With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
bus pass."
%
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
%
One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one
man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will produce half
again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to represent a
creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ...
		-- Anthony Chevins
%
One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
thief who was to be executed.  As he was taken away he made a bargain with
the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
hymns.  The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
laughed.  "You will not succeed," they told him.  "No one can."
	To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
happen in that time.  The king might die.  The horse might die.  I might die.
And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
		-- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
%
One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
is that there never was a plan in the first place.
%
One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's say your
congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet.  Just when he
got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
plane door.  It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
proposed a law.  ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
designated as Cuticle Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem
is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil,
are already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
%
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
%
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
%
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't
recognize them.
%
Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
%
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
		-- J. Wellington Wells
%
Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
%
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
		-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
%
Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
%
Owe no man any thing...
		-- Romans 13:8
%
People are always available for work in the past tense.
%
People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," absolves
them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the public -- but this
was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in the concentration camps.
%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
%
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
until you are told that those rooms are "punched out."  Once punched out,
we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
		-- N. Meyrowitz
%
	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a
clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as
annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio.  But before we get
into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works.
	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except
that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has
pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets.
So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your
electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Porsche: there simply is no substitute.
		-- Risky Business
%
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
		-- Ryan
%
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
more time for dreaming.
		-- J. P. McEvoy
%
Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
%
Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
%
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
%
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
%
Put your best foot forward.  Or just call in and say you're sick.
%
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
		-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
%
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
%
Real wealth can only increase.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
%
Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
		-- C.N. Parkinson
%
Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative
overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
%
Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
%
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
%
Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
actually have a shot at it.
%
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
		-- Menander
%
Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
	Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
	not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may
	sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after
	they regain their composure.
%
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
surprised at how little you have.
		-- Ernest Haskins
%
Sears has everything.
%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%
	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
"An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
	"Too proud?"  the other enquired.
	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
she said, "that one can't help growing older."
	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
%
Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big
store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable
prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home
center.  And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all
over the United States.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing
golf with his boss.
%
So you think that money is the root of all evil.  Have you ever asked what
is the root of money?
		-- Ayn Rand
%
So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work?
%
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
%
Some people have a great ambition: to build something
that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
%
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the
book or even what book.
%
Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
%
Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
%
Some people say a front-engine car handles best.  Some people say a
rear-engine car handles best.  I say a rented car handles best.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
%
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,
or the person who operates it.
%
Someday your prints will come.
		-- Kodak
%
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
%
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
the streets after them.
		-- Bill Vaughn
%
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
%
Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
%
Support your local church or synagogue.  Worship at Bank of America.
%
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
%
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
%
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
%
	Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So Coca-Cola
was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
improve ...
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
have given them to you.
%
Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
		-- Booth Tarkington
%
Talent does what it can.
Genius does what it must.
You do what you get paid to do.
%
Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
but weren't sure.  But if you're searching for something you don't
already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
		-- Erma Bombeck
%
Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work,
work till we die.
		-- C.S. Lewis
%
That's life.
	What's life?
A magazine.
	How much does it cost?
Two-fifty.
	I only have a dollar.
That's life.
%
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
people who want some.
		-- Dwight MacDonald
%
The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
simply making a limiting statement about himself.
		-- Sidney Harris
%
The absent ones are always at fault.
%
The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
session.  Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
advertising and industry.  For best consistent contribution in the field of
publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
we'd ALL love to do it.  But we're not going to do it.  It's not the kind of
book our house knows how to handle."  Our superior performance award in the
field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
very exciting.  Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
lined and see if you can come up with something fresh."  Our final award for
courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
time--"  I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
	Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
		And dare not stray to ideas new,
	For if t'were tried they might e'en work
		And for a living what woulds't we do?
%
The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...

	Four day work week,
	Two ply toilet paper!
%
The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
%
The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
%
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
by judging things by their price.
%
The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
them while they do it.
		-- Theodore Roosevelt
%
The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
%
The best things in life are for a fee.
%
The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
%
The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
%
The Bible on letters of reference:

	Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials?  Do
we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
		-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
%
The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for
someone else.
%
	The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.  Everybody but one girl
laughed uproariously.  "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
got a sense of humor?"
	"I don't have to laugh," she said.  "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
%
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job
application form.
		-- Stanley J. Randall
%
The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%
The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
%
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
%
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
%
The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
%
The degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional to the
level of management.
%
The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
successor and gave him three envelopes.  "My predecessor did this for me,
and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said.  "At the first sign
of trouble, open the first envelope.  Any further difficulties, open the
second envelope.  Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
Good luck."  The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
into a drawer.
	Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
	The next day, he held a press conference and did just that.  The
crisis passed.
	Six months later, sales dropped precipitously.  The beleagured
manager opened the second envelope.  It said, "Reorganize."
	He held another press conference, announcing that the division
would be restructured.  The crisis passed.
	A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
blamed for all of it.  The harried executive closed his office door, sank
into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
	"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
%
The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
%
The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
%
The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
and owns the worm farm.
		-- Travis McGee
%
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
add ten percent.
%
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
%
The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for
experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute
for intelligence.
		-- Lyman Bryson
%
The faster I go, the behinder I get.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
%
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the
other 90% of the time.
%
The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
management is that success equals skill.
		-- Robert Heller
%
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
		-- Paul Erlich
%
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
		-- Alan Coult
%
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
%
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through
the crowd at the bottom.
%
The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at
least 5000 years old."
%
The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers.
With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free
to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of
their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called "factory
service centers," which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at
the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going,
"Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
%
The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex,
no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
		-- Harry V. Wade
%
The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
%
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
		-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
%
The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
number of participants.
		-- Adam Walinsky
%
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
%
The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:

King:		"How goes the battle plan?"
Advisor:	"See those little black specks running to the right?"
K:	"Yes."
A:	"Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
	to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
	the dust clears."
K:	"And?"
A:	"If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
K:	"But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
A:	"So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
%
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
%
The longer the title, the less important the job.
%
The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will
eventually mature.
%
The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends
without any means.
		-- Saul Alinsky
%
The meek don't want it.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
		-- J.P. Getty
%
The meek shall inherit the Earth.  (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
%
The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be
anything left worth inheriting.
%
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the
competition already has the order.
%
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
%
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For
instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
%
The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
the country is the one on which you resell it.
		-- J. Brecheux
%
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to
watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
		-- T.H. White
%
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
%
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
and take a rest.
%
The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think
you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
		-- Bill Veeck
%
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has
already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished,
and put inside boxes.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
until 5 or 6 PM.
%
The optimum committee has no members.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
The opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental
solvency of the firm.
%
The other line moves faster.
%
The person who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of
someone to blame it on.
%
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
%
The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
%
The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
		-- Anthony Burgess
%
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.
		-- James Baldwin
%
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing
the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but
not the problem we thought was the problem.
		-- Mike Smith
%
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people
worry than work.
%
The reward for working hard is more hard work.
%
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
		-- Emerson
%
The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
The haves get more, the have-nots die.
%
The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
upon the successful management of which so much remains.
		-- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
%
The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the
expense of it.
		-- Josh Billings
%
The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
award for achievement.  It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
gesture by the individual to himself.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
%
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got
it made.
		-- Jean Giraudoux
%
The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability
and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but
money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
		-- Noelie Alito
%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
%
The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
able to correct them.
		-- Nicolaides
%
The star of riches is shining upon you.
%
The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands
what will sell.
		-- Confucius
%
The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
of shooting employees who make mistakes.  We will now refer to this process
as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk).  The
employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next.  All the terrible
temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
		-- Kenny's Korner
%
The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be
in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
		-- C.N. Parkinson
%
The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
%
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
%
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more
important to do.
%
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
%
The trouble with money is it costs too much!
%
The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.
		-- Herbert V. Prochnow
%
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
		-- B. Franklin
%
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
%
The wages of sin are unreported.
%
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune.
%
The Worst Car Hire Service
	When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
as a joke.  Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
	He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
	To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
he now has 26 thriving branches all over America.  "People like driving
round in the worst cars available," he said.  Of course they do.
	"If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'.  If they bring a car back late we
overlook it.  If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
we might overlook that too."
	"Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
into the ripped interior.  "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
ash tray."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd better
not refuse.
%
Them as has, gets.
%
	Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
	He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
open market.
	If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
himself.

	Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
	Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
	Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each!  Only problem was,
when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
to the "W" on the dial.

Moral:
	He who has a Tates is lost!
%
There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
about even for all of us.  I have observed, for example, that we all get
about the same amount of ice.  The rich get it in the summer and the poor
get it in the winter.
		-- Bat Masterson
%
There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman?
		-- Woody Allen
%
There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
		-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 (Black Tuesday)
%
There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
and labour.  As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
each other's throat.
		-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
%
There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a little
worse and sell a little cheaper.
%
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
%
There is no Father Christmas.  It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
parents' lives a misery.  ...  I want you to picture the trusting face of a
child, streaked with tears because of what you just said.  I want you to
picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
		-- Filthy Rich and Catflap
%
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
%
There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it
reluctantly.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him.  If he says
"Yes" you know he is crooked.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
%
There must be more to life than having everything.
		-- Maurice Sendak
%
	There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to
a man who answered one door.
	"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
	"Forty dollars."
	"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
	Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
"All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way," the student says,
"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
%
There's no such thing as a free lunch.
		-- Milton Friendman
%
There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses
smoking in the men's room.
		-- W. Bossert
%
	They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man.  These things offer
pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
	They are fools that think otherwise.  No great effort was ever bought.
No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
ever raised into being for payment of any kind.  No parthenon, no Thermopylae
was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone.  The payment for doing these
things was itself the doing of them.
	To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
greatest pleasure known to man!  To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
spread only for demons or for gods."
		-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
%
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
%
Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
		-- Darrell Royal
%
This is a good time to punt work.
%
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because
the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it
recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated"
the airline industry.  What this means for you, the consumer, is that the
airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever.  They can
show snuff movies.  They can charge for oxygen.  They can hire pilots right
out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.  They can conserve fuel by
ejecting husky passengers over water.  They can ram competing planes in
mid-air.  These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which
have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do apply,
the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must
pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
		-- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
%
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this:  most of
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.
		-- Douglas Adams
%
This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
%
Those who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been around
here at quitting time.
%
Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided
at all costs.
		-- N. Alexander.
%
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
		-- Theophrastus
%
Time to take stock.  Go home with some office supplies.
%
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
%
To do nothing is to be nothing.
%
To do two things at once is to do neither.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
%
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
persons, two of them absent.
%
To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
		-- Jack Paar
%
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
%
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
%
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest
and cost the most.
%
To stay youthful, stay useful.
%
To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
%
To thine own self be true.  (If not that, at least make some money.)
%
To understand this important story, you have to understand how the telephone
company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local computer, which is in
turn connected to a regional computer, which is in turn connected to a
loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of
Lawrence, Kan.

Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it
suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the computer
above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the one above it,
until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe break down in tears
and tell your closest friend about a sordid incident from your past
involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, an entire religious order, a
garden hose and six quarts of tapioca pudding, the top computer feeds your
conversation into Edna's loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on
the porch to listen and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own Phones?"
%
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.  They seem
more afraid of life than death.
		-- James F. Byrnes
%
Too much is not enough.
%
Too much of everything is just enough.
		-- Bob Wier
%
Truth is free, but information costs.
%
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
		-- Howard Kandel
%
Veni, Vidi, VISA:
	I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
%
Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
somewhere.  A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
ratchet screwdrivers as fruit.  The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
quite interesting.  Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
lie undisturbed for years.  Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
for a screw.  This, when found, will get thrown away.  No one knows what the
screwdriver is supposed to gain from this.  Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
is presumably working on it.
%
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
%
VI:
	A hungry dog hunts best.
	A hungrier dog hunts even better.
VII:
	Decreased business base increases overhead.
	So does increased business base.
VIII:
	The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
	is fifth grade arithmetic.
IX:
	Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
	possible to make trivial ideas profound.  Q.E.D.
X:
	Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
	People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:

Firings will continue until morale improves.
%
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
%
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
%
We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
%
We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
		-- John Fisher
%
	We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
you are so tired.
	There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
	The population of this country is 200 million.  84 million are over
60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work.  People under 20
years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
	There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
19 million to do the work.  Four million are in the Armed Services, which
leaves 15 million to do the work.  Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work.  There are 188,000 in
hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
	Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
%
"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
		-- Cameron Hawley
%
We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
%
We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.  If we heard a noise at night,
we'd bark ourselves.
		-- Crazy Jimmy
%
We're living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.
		-- D.W. Robertson.
%
Weekend, where are you?
%
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
%
What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
broken down into subjects and predicates.  This is not because Quality
is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
%
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
%
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%
What they said:
	What they meant:

"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
	(Yes, that about sums it up.)
"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
	(And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
	(What a screw-up.)
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
	(I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
a long way with his skills."
	(We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
"You won't find many people like her."
	(In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
	(However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
	 felony in my presence.)
%
What they said:
	What they meant:

"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
of him as I do."
	(Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
"Her input was always critical."
	(She never had a good word to say.)
"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
	(And it's nonexistent.)
"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
already has so many outstanding members."
	(Unless you already have a moron.)
"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
one unbelievable result after another."
	(And we didn't believe them, either.)
"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
	(In fact, to life in general...)
%
What they said:
	What they meant:

"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
	(We certainly never succeeded.)
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
	(Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
"Success will never spoil him."
	(Well, at least not MUCH more.)
"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
	(And such a sigh of relief.)
"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
	(And his IQ, as well.)
"He should go far."
	(The farther the better.)
"He will take full advantage of his staff."
	(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
%
What they say:				What they mean:

A major technological breakthrough...	Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of research	Discovered by pure accident.
Project behind original schedule due	We're working on something else.
	to unforseen difficulties
Designs are within allowable limits	We made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed	So far behind schedule that they'll be
	assured					grateful for anything at all.
Close project coordination		We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
Test results were extremely gratifying	It works, and boy, were we surprised!
The design will be finalized...		We haven't started yet, but we've got
						to say something.
The entire concept has been rejected	The guy who designed it quit.
We're moving forward with a fresh	We hired three new guys, and they're
	approach				kicking it around.
A number of different approaches...	We don't know where we're going, but
						we're moving.
Preliminary operational tests are	Blew up when we turned it on.
	inconclusive
Modifications are underway		We're starting over.
%
What they say:			What they mean:

New				Different colors from previous version.
All New				Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive			Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched			Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity		The company wouldn't give us any money.
Fool-proof Operation		All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design			Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last			Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested			We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development		Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance	Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary			Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic			Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
No Maintenance			Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven		Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards	It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed		We'll send you another pack if it fails.
Stock Item			We shipped it before and can do it again.
%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
%
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
%
What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody
really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time,
whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for
two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m.  This way we could
all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and
scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually
emerge from bed.
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
		-- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
%
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is.
		-- Robespierre
%
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,"
it's the money.
		-- Kim Hubbard
%
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits easy.
And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
%
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
		-- James H. Boren
%
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to
make a decision.
%
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
		-- Daniel B. Luten
%
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.
%
	When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
	"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
%
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
%
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
%
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
		-- The Wall Street Journal
%
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
		-- Henry J. Kaiser
%
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.
%
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
%
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
		-- Thomas Tusser
%
Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
%
Why be a man when you can be a success?
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
%
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
		-- Frank Tyger
%
Work expands to fill the time available.
		-- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
%
Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
to do so.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
		-- Schulz
%
Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
%
Work without a vision is slavery, Vision without work is a pipe dream,
But vision with work is the hope of the world.
%
XI:
	If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
	get twice as much done.  If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
	times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
	the managers would fly off.
XII:
	It costs a lot to build bad products.
XIII:
	There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
	There are also many highly paid executives.  The policy is not to
	intermingle the two.
XIV:
	After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes.  There will
	be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
	of every airplane's weight.
XV:
	The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
	and two-thirds of the problems.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XLI:
	The more one produces, the less one gets.
XLII:
	Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
XLIII:
	Hardware works best when it matters the least.
XLIV:
	Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
	direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
	additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
XLV:
	One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
	unexpected should have been expected.
XLVI:
	A billion saved is a billion earned.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XLVII:
	Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water.  The other
	third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
XLVIII:
	The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
	less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
	Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
	until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
XLIX:
	Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
L:
	The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
	chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
	as long as the official's who created it.
LI:
	By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
	government workers than there are workers.
LII:
	People working in the private sector should try to save money.
	There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XVI:
	In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
	aircraft.  This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
	Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
	made available to the Marines for the extra day.
XVII:
	Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
	and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
XVIII:
	It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability.  It is not uncommon
	to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
	ten degradation accomplished.
XIX:
	Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
	be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
XX:
	In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
	approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
	administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XXI:
	It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
XXII:
	If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
	not selling advice.
XXIII:
	Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
	currently estimated.
XXIV:
	The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
	established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
	costly action known to man.
XXV:
	A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
	or a new canvas to an artist.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XXVI:
	If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
	other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
XXVII:
	Rank does not intimidate hardware.  Neither does the lack of rank.
XXVIII:
	It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
XXIX:
	Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
	jobs only about five years.  Those who produce effective results
	hang on about half a decade.
XXX:
	By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
	the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XXXI:
	The optimum committee has no members.
XXXII:
	Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
	turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
XXXIII:
	Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
XXXIV:
	The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
	is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
	randomly.
XXXV:
	The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
	the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
	the data authenticity.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XXXVI:
	The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
	contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.  If all the
	proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
	at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
XXXVII:
	Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
	The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
XXXVIII:
	The early bird gets the worm.
	The early worm ... gets eaten.
XXXIX:
	Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
	the year -- in either direction.
XL:
	Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
		-- Snoopy
%
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
%
You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
and the budget is big enough.
		-- Joseph E. Levine
%
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
		-- Norman Douglas
%
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
		-- Superchicken
%
You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the
Titanic had paying customers.
%
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
		-- J. Wellington Wells
%
YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!

Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."

Mr. Watkins had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."

MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.

		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
%
A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
%
A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
%
A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
%
A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
%
Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
%
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
%
All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ...  Although I don't know WHY!!
%
All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
%
All right, you degenerates!  I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
%
All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
%
Alright, you!!  Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
%
Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
%
Am I elected yet?
%
Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
%
Am I SHOPLIFTING?
%
America!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING into
your void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind ...
%
An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
%
An INK-LING?  Sure -- TAKE one!!  Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
%
An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
%
And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
%
ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
%
Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
%
Are we live or on tape?
%
Are we on STRIKE yet?
%
Are we THERE yet?
%
Are we THERE yet?  My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
%
Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
%
Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS??  If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
%
Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
%
As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
%
Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
%
BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
%
Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
But Ken says, WOO-WOO!!  No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
%
BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
WAY" I've ever heard!!
%
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
%
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
%
BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
%
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
%
Bo Derek ruined my life!
%
Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
%
Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
%
But they went to MARS around 1953!!
%
But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
%
Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
%
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
%
Catsup and Mustard all over the place!  It's the Human Hamburger!
%
CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
%
Civilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
%
Clear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
%
Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!  Remember the SERIAL
NUMBERS!!  Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!!  Have a FREE PEPSI!!  Turn
LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!  JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!!  MAKE me an OFFER!!!
%
CONGRATULATIONS!  Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
%
Content:  80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
%
Could I have a drug overdose?
%
Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
a MALIBU HOT TUB?
%
Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
%
Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???
%
Did I SELL OUT yet??
%
Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
%
Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
%
DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
%
Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
%
Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar!
%
Do I have a lifestyle yet?
%
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
%
Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
%
Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
%
Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
%
Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
%
does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
%
DON'T go!!  I'm not HOWARD COSELL!!  I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
Don't go!!  I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
%
Don't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
%
Don't SANFORIZE me!!
%
Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ...  Are there any QUESTIONS??
%
Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
%
Eisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
%
Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
%
Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
%
Everybody is going somewhere!!  It's probably a garage sale or a
disaster Movie!!
%
Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
%
Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
OFFSET PRINTING?
%
FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
%
Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
dining room.
%
First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ...  So
just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
%
FOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
%
for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
%
Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
gothic solarium!!
%
FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
%
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
%
Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
satellite dish PAYMENTS!
%
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
%
Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
%
Go on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
%
GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
pet LEISURE SUIT!!
%
HAIR TONICS, please!!
%
Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
%
Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today!
%
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ...  Now, it's
time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
%
... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
%
He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
%
He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he'd like to
PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!!  I guess I should call AL PACINO!
%
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
%
HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
%
Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
%
Hello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!!
%
Hello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
%
Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!  World War III?  No thanks!
%
Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess ...
%
Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles ...
%
Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
%
Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
anywhere!!
%
Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
%
Hey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
%
Hey, waiter!  I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
%
Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
%
Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
TROLLEY-CAR ...
%
Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
island, when ...
%
Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
%
Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
CHLORIDE ...
%
Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
%
HOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
%
How do I get HOME?
%
How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?  It's th' MOUSTACHE
...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH?
It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
%
How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
SHARPENERS right NOW??
%
How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
%
How's the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
%
hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
%
HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
%
HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
%
I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
%
I am a jelly donut.  I am a jelly donut.
%
I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
%
I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
%
I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
%
I am having FUN...  I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
%
I am NOT a nut....
%
I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
%
I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
%
I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!  I wonder if BOB
GUCCIONE has these problems!
%
I can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
%
I demand IMPUNITY!
%
I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
%
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!!
%
... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
%
I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
my read molars ...
%
... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
%
I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
%
I feel ... JUGULAR ...
%
I feel better about world problems now!
%
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
%
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...
%
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
%
I feel partially hydrogenated!
%
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the "WATCHTOWER"
and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ...  They look NICE in the yard ...
%
I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
%
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
%
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
%
I had pancake makeup for brunch!
%
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
%
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.
%
I have a VISION!  It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
%
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
%
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
%
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
%
-- I have seen the FUN --
%
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
INSTRUCTIONS ...
%
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
%
I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
%
I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
every day from Oral Roberts!!
%
I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
%
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!!
%
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
%
I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life
savings in yeast!!
%
I invented skydiving in 1989!
%
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
%
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
%
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ...
%
I just had a NOSE JOB!!
%
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
%
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch
with my LEISURE SUIT!!
%
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
%
I KAISER ROLL?!  What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
on the SIDE?
%
I Know A Joke!!
%
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
%
I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
%
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
%
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
%
I like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS
%
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
%
-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away
now.  I fed the cat.
%
I love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
1965!!
%
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
%
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
%
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
%
I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
legislation...
%
I represent a sardine!!
%
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
%
... I see TOILET SEATS ...
%
I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
%
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
%
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
%
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
%
... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
%
I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
%
I think my career is ruined!
%
I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
%
... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
%
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
%
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
%
I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
%
I want EARS!  I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
%
... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
%
I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
%
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
and WHEAT THINS ...
%
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
%
... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
%
I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
%
I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
%
I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
... BACKWARDS!!
%
I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me --
%
I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
%
I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
%
I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
%
I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
%
I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
%
I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
STRANGER?
%
I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
%
I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
%
I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
%
I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
%
I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
%
I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
%
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
%
I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
%
I'm a GENIUS!  I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
%
I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
%
I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
%
I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
%
I'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!
%
I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
%
I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
%
I'm definitely not in Omaha!
%
I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
%
I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!!  Too late...
%
I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
%
I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
%
I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
%
I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
%
I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
%
I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
%
I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
%
I'm having a tax-deductible experience!  I need an energy crunch!!
%
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
%
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!!  But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
my PAJAMA POCKET??
%
I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
%
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
%
... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
of a KOSHER DELI --
%
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
%
I'm into SOFTWARE!
%
I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
PERSONAL SPACE!!
%
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN!  What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?  Where's ROD
STERLING when you really need him?
%
I'm not an Iranian!!  I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
%
I'm not available for comment..
%
I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT!  Am I doing it correctly??
%
I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
MONTALBAN!
%
I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
%
I'm rated PG-34!!
%
I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
%
I'm RELIGIOUS!!  I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!  Equip me with MISSILES!!
%
I'm reporting for duty as a modern person.  I want to do the Latin Hustle now!
%
I'm shaving!!  I'M SHAVING!!
%
I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
... I'm VIBRATORY ...
%
I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
%
I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ...
%
I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
%
I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
%
I'm wet!  I'm wild!
%
I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
%
I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
%
I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
%
I've got an IDEA!!  Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
%
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
%
... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
antiken Rom ...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
PIZZA ...
%
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
%
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ...
%
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
%
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
%
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
%
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
%
... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
%
If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
%
if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
%
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
%
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
%
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
Belt," for $10.99!!
%
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
%
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
%
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
%
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?  Or are we suffering in Safeway?
%
Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders??  Is the FROG
his GUIDELIGHT??  It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ...
%
Is it 1974?  What's for SUPPER?  Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
wild afternoon??
%
Is it clean in other dimensions?
%
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
%
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
%
Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
%
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
%
Is this TERMINAL fun?
%
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
%
Isn't this my STOP?!
%
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
%
It was a JOKE!!  Get it??  I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!!
YOW!!
%
It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
%
It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
%
It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
FRENCH TOAST!
%
It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
%
It's the RINSE CYCLE!!  They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
%
JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
%
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
%
Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
%
Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
carried too FAR!
%
Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
%
Laundry is the fifth dimension!!  ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
%
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
%
Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET
ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...
%
Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
%
Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
%
Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
%
Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
%
Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
%
Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
%
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
HIGHBALL?? ...
%
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
%
Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
%
LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
%
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
%
Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
%
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
%
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
%
MMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! 
%
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!!  A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!!  I'm about to swallow a
TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!!  That was GOOD!!  For DESSERT,
I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
WHEAT BUN!!
%
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
the INDONESIAN archipelago?
%
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
%
My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
%
My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!
%
My EARS are GONE!!
%
My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
%
My haircut is totally traditional!
%
MY income is ALL disposable!
%
My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
%
My life is a patio of fun!
%
My mind is a potato field ...
%
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
%
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
%
My NOSE is NUMB!
%
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
%
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
%
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
%
My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!
%
My vaseline is RUNNING...
%
NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!
%
NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They're VOIDED -- They
COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
they were OFF-KEY ...
%
NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
%
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
%
Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!!
%
Now I am depressed ...
%
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
%
Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
%
Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
%
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!
%
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
%
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
%
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
%
Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
%
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
%
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
%
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
%
Oh, I get it!!  "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
%
Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
%
OKAY!!  Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
%
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O
and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
the WASHING MACHINES?
%
On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
PHILBIN ...  It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
%
On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
%
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
%
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
VALUES!!
%
Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
amusing SIT-COM pilots!!  We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
snack cakes!
%
One FISHWICH coming up!!
%
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
%
ONE:    I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
	the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
TWO:	I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
THREE:	I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
%
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?
%
Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
%
over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
%
OVER the underpass!  UNDER the overpass!  Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!
%
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
%
Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!
%
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
%
People humiliating a salami!
%
PIZZA!!
%
Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
%
Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
%
Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
%
PUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!!
%
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
%
RELATIVES!!
%
Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!!
%
RHAPSODY in Glue!
%
SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
starring JANE FONDA!!
%
Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
94140, USA
%
SHHHH!!  I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
empty OIL DRUMS ...
%
Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
%
Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY??
%
Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
%
Sign my PETITION.
%
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
%
So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
%
Someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
%
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
%
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
%
Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
%
Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
to Beaver"!
%
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?
%
TAILFINS!! ... click ...
%
	Talking Pinhead Blues:
Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
    TWENTY-SIX!!

Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
    DEAD for YEARS..  (sniff)

My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
    won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)

So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
    (on no, no, no..  Heh, heh)
%
TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
%
Tex SEX!  The HOME of WHEELS!  The dripping of COFFEE!!  Take me to
Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
%
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
%
Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
%
The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
%
The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
and have since BIRTH!!
%
The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
%
The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
%
... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
OYSTER!  Yum!
%
The Korean War must have been fun.
%
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
%
The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
%
The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
%
The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS
around 1953!!
%
The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
%
There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS.   I'm very probably wrong.
%
There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
%
There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
%
	"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
	"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
	"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
out of MEGATON MAN!"
%
These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
%
They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
appeal!
%
This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
%
"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG."
		-- Bob Violence
%
This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
%
This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
against someone's MARTINI!!
%
... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
%
This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
%
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
%
This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience!  Someone I DON'T LIKE is
talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
%
Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
%
Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
aesthetic modules --
%
Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
before his MAKEOVER!
%
Toes, knees, NIPPLES.  Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
%
TONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
%
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
%
Uh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
%
UH-OH!!  I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
mistake!!!
%
UH-OH!!  I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!!  Ha ha.
%
Uh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
%
UH-OH!!  We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
%
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
%
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
%
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!
%
Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
%
Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN?  It tastes REAL GOOD!!
%
We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ...
%
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
%
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
%
We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
%
Well, here I am in AMERICA..  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I
HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE ...
EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
%
Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!!  And I'm looking for a way to
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
%
Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES 
ROOM ...
%
Well, O.K.  I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
%
Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
%
What a COINCIDENCE!  I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
%
What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
%
What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
%
What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
%
What PROGRAM are they watching?
%
What UNIVERSE is this, please??
%
What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
%
When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
DETERGENT for 15 minutes.  He seemed to enjoy it ...
%
When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
%
When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
%
When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
BILL ... Don't you SEE?  O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
%
Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
%
Where does it go when you flush?
%
Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
%
Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
%
Where's the Coke machine?  Tell me a joke!!
%
While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
%
While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ...  his
will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
%
WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
%
WHOA!!  Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!  It must be the
NEGATIVE IONS!!
%
Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
%
Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin??  Don't you know your
own ZIPCODE?
%
Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
%
Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
CENTER with you??
%
Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
%
Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
%
Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
%
With YOU, I can be MYSELF ...  We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
%
World War III?  No thanks!
%
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!
%
Wow!  Look!!  A stray meatball!!  Let's interview it!
%
Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
%
Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
MAIDEN concert?
%
You can't hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
%
You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
%
You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
%
YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
%
You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!!
%
You were s'posed to laugh!
%
YOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
DOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!!
%
Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
%
Youth of today!  Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
attitudes!
%
Yow!
%
Yow!  Am I having fun yet?
%
Yow!  Am I in Milwaukee?
%
Yow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
%
Yow!  Are we laid back yet?
%
Yow!  Are we wet yet?
%
Yow!  Are you the self-frying president?
%
Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
%
Yow!  I just went below the poverty line!
%
Yow!  I threw up on my window!
%
Yow!  I want my nose in lights!
%
Yow!  I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
%
Yow!  I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill!
%
Yow!  I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
%
Yow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
%
Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet??  Is it, huh, is it??
%
Yow!  It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
%
Yow!  It's some people inside the wall!  This is better than mopping!
%
Yow!  Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
%
Yow!  Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
%
Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics!
%
Yow!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
%
Yow!  We're going to a new disco!
%
YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
%
YOW!!  I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
%
YOW!!  Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
%
YOW!!  The land of the rising SONY!!
%
YOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!
%
YOW!!  What should the entire human race DO??  Consume a fifth of
CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
%
YOW!!!  I am having fun!!!
%
Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
%
I Love Kirsty Noad

	-- Jason Pell
%
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
times, often with lin~po_~{po	~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po	 ~y oodsou>
#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
