Jokes
Ever wonder how they get the sour cream in to the burritos?
If _____ Made Toasters... If Kodak made toasters... They would consistently produce high-quality toast, provided you took your bread to the store and waited at least an hour for the results If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80's didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classifiedgovernment documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters... It would be the ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, and could be conveniently attached to your belt. If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread until it pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic reproduction WWI pewter toaster. If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em. And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless, would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but years earlier.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.Idaho: the state where a box of candy cannot be given as a romantic gift unless it weighs more than 50 pounds. In Kalamazoo, Michigan it is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.In Monroe, Utah daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor; in Norfolk, Virginia girls are not allowed to attend public dances unless they are wearing a corset; in St. Croix, Wisconsin women are not allowed to wear anything red in public and in Cleveland, Ohio women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men should see the reflections of their underwear. Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse in Huntington, West Virginia. In Abilene, Texas it is illegal to idle or loiter within the city limits for the purpose of flirting or mashing and in San Antonio it is illegal for either sex to flirt or respond to flirtation by using the eyes and/or hands. Flirting between men and women on the streets of Little Rock, Arkansas can result in a 30-day jail term; men in Norfolk, Virginia may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere and women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains in Seattle, Washington without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term. In Dyersburg, Tennessee a woman cannot call a man for a date. It is against the law for men to "ogle" women from a moving car in Detroit, Michigan. In New York City a fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. Men are specifically prohibited from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." Males who are convicted of this crime twice are subsequently forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" whenever they go outside. In Boston, Massachusetts, two people are not allowed to kiss in front of a church and in Hartford, Connecticut it's illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sundays. In Cedar Rapids, Iowa it's a crime to kiss a stranger and in Wisconsin it is illegal to kiss anyone on a train. In Logan County, Colorado, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. In Indiana, it's illegal for a mustached man to "habitually kiss human beings." In two Eurekas, one in Illinois, the other in Nevada, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women; in the State of Iowa, where kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women in public. They're a little stricter about the time limit in Halethorpe, Maryland, though, where it is illegal to kiss for more than one second, mustache or no. In Arizona, having more than two dildos in a house is against the law; in Dallas, Texas, you can have as many as you want, although it is illegal to possess realistic dildos. THE INANIMATE New Mexico State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material'' to be cut from Romeo and Juliet. In Clinton, Oklahoma it is illegal to molest an automobile; in Daytona Beach, Florida the molestation of trash cans is banned. THE ANIMATE In Clawson, Michigan it is legal (that's right, LEGAL) for a farmer to "sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats and chickens." In Big Pine Key, Florida, those who molest a Key deer are subject to a fine and/or jail time; in all of Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. The citizens of Crete, Illinois commit an offense if they attempt to have sex with their dog, but in West Virginia it's okay for a man to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs. In Tennessee any person who cripples, kills or in any way destroys a proud bitch that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction. Animals in California are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, a school or a place of worship. (Look out, San Francisco Zoo! (Press Back Arrow below for details.).) And, of course, in Missouri it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. GET A ROOM In North Carolina, if a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married. Another state law mandates that all couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds spaced at least two feet apart, and making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden. Oddly enough, in Hornytown, North Carolina massage parlors have been banned. In New Hampshire checking into a hotel under an assumed name is a crime; in Salem, Massachusetts they don't care what name you use, but even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms. Massachusetts taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts. In Detroit, Michigan, making love in a car is illegal unless it is parked on your property. Men over the age of 18 in Indiana may be arrested for statutory rape if a female passenger under the age of 17 is in his car and not wearing her socks and shoes. Police Officers in Coeur d' Alene, Idaho who suspect the occupants of a vehicle are engaging in sex must either honk or flash their lights and wait three minutes before approaching the car. No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance in Utah if it is responding to an emergency call and, in the town of Tremonton, Utah, if you are caught the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper. HOLY MATRIMONY In South Carolina, by law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place. Getting married on a dare in Delaware is grounds for annulment. In North Carolina a marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent. Any marriage in Rhode Island where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. A bridegroom in Truro, Mississippi must "prove himself manly" before the wedding by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows. In Pennsylvania ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. In Texas you can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times. In Lebanon, Virginia it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed. In Utah, when a person reaches the age of 50, he or she can legally marry their cousin. And, quite naturally, in Kentucky, it is illegal to remarry the same man four times. FORNICATION In Mississippi Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison. The age of consent in Tennessee is 16, but 12 if the girl is a virgin. In Oklahoma, where it is illegal to have sex before you are married, it's statutory rape for a man over 18 to have sex with a female under the age of 18 if she's a virgin. If she's not a virgin, it is okay to have sex with her, but only if she is over 16. If the two are both under 18, then the law does not apply. In Auburn, Washington men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. It is illegal in Virginia for those who are not married to have sexual relations. After marriage, couples are allowed to have sex, but only missionary style and only if the lights are not on. In North Carolina it's illegal to have sex in a churchyard. If you're not in a churchyard, it's okay to have sex, but only if you stay in the missionary position and only if the shades are drawn. The missionary position is also the only legal position for having sex in Florida. A woman in Massachusetts is not permitted to be on top during sexual activities. And try to remember not to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's ear during sex in Oregon; that kinda talk is illegal there. ORAL FIXATIONS & "UNNATURAL" SEX In Florida, Indiana, Minnesota and Missouri, oral sex is still illegal. In Maryland, South Carolina, Tennessee and San Diego, California oral sex cannot be either given or received. North Carolina law considers oral sex to be a crime against nature; in Arkansas it is considered sodomy . In Oklahoma oral sex is a misdemeanor, punishable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. In Virginia, you may have neither oral nor anal sex; in Owensboro, Kentucky one may not receive anal sex; in Cincinnati, Ohio anal intercourse is banned. Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and a $10,000 fine in Mississippi. PUBLIC DISPLAYS It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday in Detroit, Michigan. Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker in Oklahoma must have their name and picture shown on TV. Males are not allowed to be sexually aroused in public in Indiana, Mississippi, Allentown, Pennsylvania, Nashville, Tennessee or Kenosha, Wisconsin. DIVORCE In New York City, a marriage cannot be dissolved for irreconcilable differences, unless both parties agree to it. That rarely happens, since one party regularly says "no" to the other, or there wouldn't be a reason to dissolve the marriage. If one of the spouses says "no" to the divorce, the other party has to prove that the spouse saying "no" committed one of four terrible faults. If one spouse abandoned the other, i.e., left the house for a year or if there hasn't been sexual relations for a year, that's a fault. Another oft-cited fault is to assert that one spouse has treated the other with physical or mental cruelty, but for the court's purposes, yelling and screaming is not usually enough, although pictures of bruises taken in an emergency room might do the trick. If a spouse has been imprisoned for two or three years divorce is easy. The last fault, adultery, is much more difficult to prove. Lawyers then, get paid to "prove" fault or, on the other side, to show how lame the opposing side's "fault" claim is.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse. Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself. Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your fucking head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence. Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. In an incident described by local police as a "ship of fools", four young men and two women allegedly attempted to steal a luxury yacht from the local marina this month and embark on a round-the-world cruise. According to police, one of the group dreamed up the idea after borrowing a book called "Navigating By The Stars" from the local library a few weeks earlier. The six then loaded up a $300,000 yacht with 60 cans of baked beans, 1000 condoms and the book and set sail. Unfortunately for the hapless thieves, the boat ran out of wind less than 20 minutes after they left the dock. It then drifted for about 400 metres before crashing into a partially-built pier, after which all six had to be rescued. The six are expected to face court shortly. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. One nervous Newport, R.I. robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
How It All Started In the beginning there was the computer. And God said :Let there be light! #Enter user id. :God #Enter password. :Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. :Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. :Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. :Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create light #Done :Run heaven and earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. :Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create firmament #Done. :Run firmament #And God made the earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. :Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. :Create dry_land #Done. :Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. :Create sun_moon_stars #Done :Run sun_moon_stars #And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. :Create fish #Done :Create fowl #Done :Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. :Create cattle #Done :Create creepy_things #Done :Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. :Create man #Done :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth #Too many command operands. Try again. :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. :Insert breath #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. :Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. :Create Garden.edn #Done :Move man to Garden.edn #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors. :Copy woman from man #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors. :Insert woman into man #Illegal parameters. Try again. :Insert man into woman #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. :Create desire #Done :Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create freewill #Done :Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. :Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create good, evil #Done :Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. :Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. :Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. :Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again :Break :Break :Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. :Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. :Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Please confirm. :Destroy earth confirmed #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
Late For The Exam It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
