From: Stacy Barrington <[email protected]>
Date: Tue Jul 23, 2002 3:08 pm
Subject: Gnome Improvement



Title: Gnome Improvement

Author: Little Magpie

Rating: PG

Summary: To impress Sarah, Jareth gets Hoggle to
persuade a celebrity home renovator to come and fix up
the castle: Bob Vila.


--


(*Jareth is flopped back on the bed in his royal
bedchamber. Sarah is lying beside him. Jareth is
wearing white silk pajamas, and Sarah has on her
favorite blue nightshirt.*)

JARETH: (*He plants a kiss on Sarah's brow as she
snuggles up to him.*) You know, I'd really like to
get things started.

SARAH: (*Returning Jareth's kiss.*) Can't we just
take things slowly?

JARETH: (*Pouting.*) But Sarah, I want to
consummate our relationship.

SARAH: (*Smiling sweetly.*) I know you do. Look,
we have plenty of time for that.

(*As they embrace and start kissing, there's a knock
on the door.*)

JARETH: (*Looking up.*) This had better be
important. (*He gets up to open the door. Hoggle is
standing there.*) Well, what is it?

HOGGLE: (*Nervous because he knows Jareth is
annoyed.*) Um, I took that bag of gold coins to that
human you wanted to come and fix the castle up.

JARETH: (*Pleased.*) Good, Hedgehog. Will he come
in the morning?

HOGGLE: Yeah. First thing.

JARETH: Fine. Now get lost, I've got Sarah with
me.

HOGGLE: (*Winking.*) Good luck.

JARETH: Whatever. (*He slams the door in Hoggle's
face.*)

HOGGLE: (*Through closed door.*) She left ya
danglin' again, eh?

JARETH: (*Under his breath.*) I'll dangle you, you
little...

SARAH: (*Calling to Jareth.*) Are you coming back?

JARETH: (*Calling back.*) Yes, my dearest. It was
just one of my servants wasting my time. I'll be with
you in a moment.

--

(*The next day, Bob Vila and his TV camera crew are
in the throne room. Bob looks in horror at the filthy
state of the castle.*)

BOB VILA: (*To camera.*) Hi, I'm Bob Vila. This
week I'm in Faeryland to renovate a faerie lord's
castle. (*He scrutinizes the throne room again.*)
Mother Mary, this will be a challenge. The first thing
to do is clean out this main room. Live chickens and
rotten food on the floor will have to go.

(*Jareth enters the room, wearing his black cloak
and looking regal.*)

JARETH: Hello, Mr. Vila. Do you think you can put
a rush on fixing up my palace?

BOB VILA: Oh, hello, Your Highness. Well, I think
your castle will require quite a bit of renovation.

JARETH: Such as?

BOB VILA: Well, cleaning it for a start. I hate to
be blunt, but is there any particular reason you let
this place go to hell?

JARETH: (*Smirking.*) Is there any particular
reason I shouldn't break you in half for being so
blunt?

BOB VILA: Fair enough. Now, why are you interested
in giving the castle a makeover?

JARETH: I want to impress my mortal girlfriend.

(*Hoggle enters.*)

HOGGLE: (*To Jareth.*) Do you need me for
anything, Sire?

JARETH: Yes, Boggle. Fetch Mr. Vila a chalice of
mead.

BOB VILA: (*To Jareth.*) Oh, no, Your Majesty. I
don't think I should drink mead while I'm doing a
show. Just some vodka will do.

JARETH: (*To Hoggle.*) You heard the man, Hognut.
Get him some vodka. (*He looks at Bob.*) I really
don't like vodka. I only keep it for the goblins in
my castle.

BOB VILA: Um, that's very thoughtful. Before we
proceed with renovation, what would you like to be
done with this room?

JARETH: Any suggestions?

BOB VILA: How about something practical, like
cabinets and shelves?

JARETH: Oh. I hadn't thought of that. Any other
ideas you could offer?

BOB VILA: (*Watching chickens run around the
room.*) A chicken coop?

(*Hoggle returns and hands a glass of vodka to Bob,
who gulps it down in one swig.*)

HOGGLE: Would you like a bottle?

--

(*Later, Jareth is upstairs in his bedroom. Bob and
two of his carpenters are putting in shelves.*)

JARETH: Why the hell do you keep putting shelves
everywhere?

BOB VILA: (*Turning to face Jareth.*) Well,
shelves are very useful. You can put books and
knicknacks in them.

JARETH: I already had some shelving in the throne
room for my goblins to sit on before you arrived. I
don't keep a lot of books out in the open, and I
certainly don't keep 'knicknacks' around.

BOB VILA: Oh, but they're great. My neighbor uses
shelving units in his living room to hold his Beanie
Babies.

JARETH: (*Annoyed.*) I paid you handsomely for
coming here, Vila. I expect more than shelves.

BOB VILA: Well, can't you use some of your magic to
touch things up?

JARETH: If I were omnipotent your services wouldn't
be necessary. Look, my girlfriend has finally agreed
to a very romantic night with me, so you'd better make
this place presentable as soon as possible.

--

(*That night, Sarah returns to the castle, wearing
her favorite white costume gown to look good for
Jareth. She notices the new shelves in the throne
room, and that it's now clean.*)

JARETH: So, what do you think, Sarah?

SARAH: (*Surprised.*) It's actually clean! But,
why are there shelves and cabinets everywhere?

JARETH: Oh, they're just for more storage space. I
had Bob Vila come to fix up the castle, especially for
you. (*He smiles proudly.*)

SARAH: (*Annoyed.*) Bob Vila? I hate his show!
It bores the hell out of me! What in God's name made
you think I'd like him to remodel your castle?

JARETH: But baby...

SARAH: (*Miffed.*) Don't 'but baby' me, Jareth.
You told me you'd have a beautiful makeover done for
the castle when I came back, complete with ornamental
decorations.

JARETH: Well, the shelves and cabinets have a
special patina varnish.

SARAH: Which is tacky! Oh, I can't believe this.

JARETH: (*Gulping.*) Um, the bedroom is even
better. There's more patina varnish shelving in
there. It looks lovely in the candlelight. (*He
pulls Sarah close.*) It'll make our first time
special.

SARAH: (*Pulling away roughly.*) Honey, there
won't be a first time, or any time! (*She starts to
head for home.*)

JARETH: (*He futilely calls out to Sarah.*) Can't
we kiss at least?

(*Sarah vanishes without another word. Hoggle
enters the room.*)

HOGGLE: What did Sarah think of your new decor?

JARETH: (*Looking down his nose at Hoggle.*) Tell
me, gnome. Whose idea was it to get Bob Vila?

HOGGLE: Why, it was mine.

JARETH: (*Getting angry.*) And why was that?

HOGGLE: Well, you told me to ask Sarah who had a
popular home improvement show in her world, and she
said Bob Vila.

JARETH: Did you bother to ask Sarah if she actually
liked Vila's program?

HOGGLE: Why, uh, no. I mean, I thought you wanted
the castle renovation to be a surprise.

JARETH: (*Grabbing Hoggle by the back of the shirt
collar and lifting him up.*) Well, guess what,
Hoghead? Sarah hates Bob Vila! You should have asked
her what her favorite home improvement show was!

HOGGLE: (*Trembling.*) I'm sorry!

JARETH: What the hell am I supposed to do with all
these bloody shelves and cabinets?!

HOGGLE: (*Shaking more violently.*) I-I don't
know!

JARETH: (*He drops Hoggle on the floor.*) Perhaps
I should collect something to fill the shelves.

(*The next day, Jareth goes to the mortal world and
stocks up on Beanie Babies, with emphasis on the owl
ones.*)


*the end*