THE ENGLISH AND THE
FRENCH
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The English say that the French ...
The French say that the English ...
The English say that the French ...
talk too fast;
do not love animals, unless cooked;
live in controlled tipsiness from the age of five;
employ laughably small policemen;
habe something called haute cuisine, which is a
system of disguising flavour with garlic and sauces;
provide superb excuses for poor performances;
are demon lovers;
have a tendency to leave dismembered waitresses in luggage
lockers in the Gare de Lyon;
drive their cars with deliberate intention to cause
accidents;
are money-grubbing people;
have based their cultural supremacy entirely on a few
Impressionists and some unreadable poetry;
have based the myth of their fighting forces entirely on
Napoleon (a Corsican), lost all their Battles since then, and
always called in the British to rescue them;
are Catholics and not really to be trusted;
only stop waving their arms to go to sleep.
The French say that the English ...
are arrogant (who else calls it English Channel?);
have an obsession about dogs;
make poor racing cyclists;
are blundering lovers, while their women are frigid;
think they are still masters of the world, which is absurd -
the top nation is, of course, France;
speak O-level French, a language unknown across the Channel;
are exploiters of au pair girls;
are calm at all times, not so much because of courage as an
inability to become enthusiastic;
love processions;
never talk in railway carriages, in the street, or even at
home;
have no artistic talent, their only geniuses are a few
writers who have been hailed in France and ignored in
England;
expect all foreigners to speak English English, and not
American English;
will gamble on anything;
hunt what they cannot eat;
have humour but no wit.
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