Shinji cried out with ecstasy, clinging tighter to his lover. Kaworu held Shinji against him, pinning himself inside the young Eva pilot. This was a holy union, one shared by only the most intimate of couples. Shinji and Kaworu most certainly qualified for that. They were so in love with each other it was painful.
�K-Kaworu!!!!� Shinji screamed, starting to loose control. Kaworu�s eyes
squinted shut; crimson tinted tears coming out. He moaned like the dying as Shinji
shrieked like he was being reborn.
Kaworu fell against the dark haired boy, his diamond sweat droplets raining down on both of them. Neither of them spoke, only cried. Cried because they were with each other, and both of them held the other as such a perfectly flawed being, that they knew that nothing else in existence mattered.
�Kaworu...I love you so much...� Shinji panted, looking up through his tears at the pale boy.
�Shin-chan...you...you don�t know how much I love you...I�ve never loved anything like I love you...� Kaworu whispered. After a few moments he rolled over, laying beside Shinji.
Shinji woke with a start. He looked around, noticing that he was alone. The awareness of this hit him like a punch to the stomach and he began to cry. He looked around his room. Evidence that he had been dreaming of his lover was painfully obvious on his wet splotched sheets. He pushed them off his bed. Dreaming of his love used to be something sweet, but now all it brought was headaches and wet sheets. He rolled over and went to sleep.
Shinji playfully tussled the hair of the pale boy sleeping next to him. God, he was beautiful. He was so perfect it made Shinji ache. And the fact that the sublime being was his and his alone made everything right. The pain of his life was still there; his father, his mother, Touji. But Kaworu...somehow made everything seem not so bad in the scheme of things.
�Are you really mine?� Shinji smiled to himself. �Forever?� Kaworu�s eyes slowly opened.
�Forever and ever, Shin-chan.� he yawned. Shinji nudged closer.
�I�m happy to hear that.� he whispered. Then he added, to himself, in his head, �Because if I knew otherwise...I�d die...�
Misato creep up to Shinji�s door. Ever since the 17th angel incident, he had been mute. An entire month, and not a word to anyone. So it definitely was a delightful surprise when she heard Shinji�s mumbling inside his room. She quietly slid open his door and slid closer to him. He was calling for a name. He was calling for Kaworu.
�Kaworu-kun?� she whispered to herself, confused. She looked closer at him. The trails of a million tears were imprinted on his face. She picked up his sheet to cover him back up with, and soon realized why he had pushed it off in the first place.
�Kaworu...� he whimpered painfully. She put the pieces together. No wonder he hadn�t been the least bit happy about defeating the last angel. No wonder that he would suddenly burst into tears without warning at any point in the day. She knew exactly what it was like to lose a lover.
Shinji�s eyes flew open and he jolted up, seeing Misato next to him.
�Oh! Shinji-kun...I...you were calling for Kaworu-kun in your sleep...� Misato blundered. Shinji looked away from her, tears coming to his eyes. �Shinji-kun...what did...Kaworu-kun mean to you?� Shinji turned his head to her violently, looking at her with a complete hatred, as if it were forbidden for her to say his name. �I...I�m sorry...I�m just worried...�
His look softened. �What did he mean to me? He meant...everything. He was all I had, Misato.�
�Shinji, I�m here for you, if you need me...� Misato went to touch his arm.
�Don�t even touch me!� he screamed. �You think you can comfort me?! NOW?! Only HE can touch me, and only HE can help me! ! And he�s gone!!�
�Please, Shinji-kun!� Misato cried. �Why was he the only one? Why can�t I ever help you?�
�Because...because he knew me...everything....even the bad...and still loved me...you have to leave now.� Shinji whispered, laying back down. Misato wiped her eyes and hurried out.
This was the first night he had spent time with Kaworu. He had been invited to his living place and wasn�t about to refuse.
�Make yourself comfortable, Shinji-kun.� Kaworu said, sitting down on his bed, running his delicate fingers through his silver dusted hair. Shinji sat down next to him, awkwardly, not knowing how to be comfortable in this sort of situation. Silence went on for several moments, and Shinji, looking down at the floor, still knew that Kaworu was staring at him. He blushed, and hoped the poor lighting in the apartment hid it.
It didn�t, and Kaworu smiled to himself. Shinji looked up.
�Um...so, uh, how are your tests going?� Shinji stuttered in a desperate attempt to make conversation, as the silence had been getting dangerously revealing.
�What�s wrong, Shinji-kun?� Kaworu smiled, ignoring Shinji�s attempt to break the soul staring. �What are you scared of?�
�Nothing!...It�s just...nothing...� Shinji was panicking right now. He couldn�t ask Kaworu to stop staring at him, because deep down inside, he didn�t want him to.
Shinji involuntarily jumped a bit. He realized it was because Kaworu had put his hand on his shoulder.
�Why are you so afraid of touch?� Kaworu asked, a bit startled himself.
�It�s not that...� Shinji started, not knowing why he was even saying anything. �It�s just...I don�t hate touch...well, yes I do, but I don�t want to hate it. Understand?�
�Ah. It is unfortunate that what we find pleasing to the eye and pleasing to the touch are seldom the same, yes? Theoretically, touch looks very nice, loving, kind. But when you are touched in a cold and clinical manner, you are left feeling...cheated. But have you felt any touch other than this pale substitute to actual affection?� Kaworu asked.
�I...don�t know...� Shinji looked back at the floor. Kaworu went on.
�Because once you feel that one touch, that single connection, everything else doesn�t seem so displeasing. Because you have that experience, in your head and in your heart.� Kaworu slowly leaned closer. �And if you never permit a touch, whether cold or warm, you�ll never learn to love...� Shinji suddenly realized that he was feeling one of these connections, because Kaworu was kissing him. The sensation flew through his body as if it were a slow lightning, devouring everything. The part of his mind that hadn�t been warped by negligence enjoyed the moment and screamed for more. However, this part didn�t join the board meetings with his automatic reasoning. He pulled back quickly.
�Kaworu-kun!!� he exclaimed. �What...what are you...!�
�What�s wrong, Shinji?� Kaworu interrupted, asking the question for a second time. �Why don�t you let anyone inside?�
�Don�t you get it?!?� Shinji cried, throwing himself against Kaworu�s chest, much to his own dismay. �Don�t you understand?! I want to let someone in..want to so bad it hurts...but I can�t!! I just can�t!�
Kaworu, extremely hurt by Shinji�s despair, softly wrapped his arms around Shinji�s back.
�Shinji, I know. Shh...it�s alright. It hurts, doesn�t it? When people go away and never come back? I know it hurts. But you have to acknowledge that this is not a omen of isolationism, that, in fact, it should impel you to let more in, because if you don�t, maybe no one will leave, but no one will stay, either.�
Shinji turned his head up, meeting Kaworu�s rose eyes.
�Would you leave me Kaworu?� Shinji asked, the ice inside of him slowly thawing.
�Never. Never on my own will.� Kaworu whispered against Shinji�s quivering lips, stealing a long, welcomed kiss.
Misato lay on her mattress, listening to Shinji talk in his sleep. He hadn�t talked for two more weeks, not since the last time. Now the only time she heard his voice was when he called out for his angel at night. She always listened, because maybe he wasn�t talking to her but at least he was talking.
�Kaworu...please...don�t leave me...please...please!...PLEASE!!!� Shinji woke up from his nightmare, shivering and crying. �Kaworu...� he whispered hoarsely. �Why? Why did you have to leave? I hate this coldness...I can�t get warm again...and I hate these voices...and I hate...I hate...and I hate you! Do you hear me?! I hate you! You said, you PROMISED that you loved me! That you�d never leave me! And you did! Why?!?� Shinji crumbled, sobbing. �God I love you Kaworu! Only you, forever! Everything goes away...even you...it�s not fair...who knows...maybe I won�t be far behind you...�
Misato�s eyes widened. She knew Shinji was despairing, but she never dreamed of suicide. And there was nothing she could do. Not anymore.
Kaworu slowly pushed Shinji down onto the mattress, and began to unbutton his white uniform shirt.
�Is this okay?� he asked softly. Shinji nodded, not able to speak. Kaworu gently took off the white shirt, followed directly by the blue one. When he began to play with his belt buckle, Shinji�s hands flew down, helping him remove the clothing that seemed now like walls between him and his love. Kaworu began to kiss his stomach, gradually working his way down, until he was dangerously low. Shinji suddenly felt Kaworu�s mouth amplified by a million, running slowly up and down his length, and he gasped, not wanting to breath out. He grabbed Kaworu�s hair, needing to touch him in some way, and drowned.
Shinji was drowning by himself. He layed in the bath, not washing or relaxing. He just lay there, going numb.
They had been making love now for at least an hour. Shinji didn�t know anything could ever feel this good. They had created a rhythm; Shinji�s hips would rise to meet Kaworu�s thrusts. Their pounding heartbeats were in syncronitzation. Kaworu felt that they had become poetry in motion. They had.
Misato slipped into Shinji�s room while he was in the bathroom. She just wanted to make sure that he didn�t have anything that he could hurt himself with.
She scanned the room, and saw something on his desk. Pictures, of the other children, and under each picture was a mini disc. There was a torn piece of notebook paper, on which he had scribbled
�Singing brings joy and revitalizes the human soul.� -Kaworu-kun
She stuck the disc under Rei�s picture in his disc player.
�She dreams in digital, because it�s better than nothing
it�s so unreal, she dreams in digital...�*
She popped in the one under Auska.
�Had it in my hand, now where�d it go?
Aurora....
See you up ahead, but I don�t know, if I can go as far as you go..."**
...The one under Kaworu.
�All I do, I can still feel you,
Numb all through, I can still feel you,
Kill my brain, yet you still remain,
Crucified, after all I�ve died,
After all I�ve tried, you are still inside,
All I do, I can still feel you,
You remain...I am stained.�***
She heard the bathroom door open. She quickly turned the player off and hurried out of his room. She bumped into him in the hallway.
�Oh! I�m sorry, Shinji-kun.� She blustered. Shinji just looked at her, blinked, and went on his way. Misato watched him walk away, knowing that she would never see the Shinji she knew again.
Three hours had passed, and Shinji was beginning to go insane. He felt everything at once; birth and death, up and down, flying and falling. He was being torn apart, and yet this was the first time in as long as he could remember that he was actually all together. Kaworu was feeling similar. All Lillim feelings that he thought were never his to have rushed through him. They were both extremely exhausted, and neither of them cared.
�Okay...
It�s just a little pinprick now...
It�ll take away the...
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
but you may feel a little sick...�
It was now Shinji who was listening to the music.
�I have become comfortably numb...�****
He sat there emotionless, beyond crying, beyond hoping, beyond caring. Somewhere inside him, he wondered if this is was Rei felt like.
But the walls he had build inside of his mind were weak ones, and memories pounded at them, threatening to tear them down with or without his help. So he simply let them down, and the rest of his rapidly decaying mind was at the mercy of t of laughter that sounded like music and skin that tasted like sugar.
It had been five hours, and both were on the brink of losing themselves in the other. But just as they began to slip away, Shinji screamed and pulled Kaworu as close as he could get him, while Kaworu sobbed and held Shinji so tight that his arms ached. They layed there, breathing, the room spinning around them. Shinji began to cry.
�Sh-Shinji?� Kaworu whispered. �Did...did I hurt you?�
�No!..No...Kaworu...I love you...I love you so much...I�m losing my mind...�
Shinji sobbed. Kaworu held on to him tighter.
�Shinji...I love you more than I ever thought I could love anything...you don�t have anything to worry about now....� Kaworu coaxed.
Shinji lie on the floor, curled up, all the tears inside of him dried up. Misato and Auska were both gone; he didn�t care. He just lay there, listening to music.
�Everything is quiet since you�re not around,
I live in the numbness now in the background.
I do thing things we did before,
I walk Main Street to the store,
and they say where�s that crazy girl you don�t get drunk on red wine and fight
no more,
I don�t see you anymore since the hospital,
The plans I made still have you in them,
cause you come swimming into view,
and I�m hanging on your words like I always used to do,
the words we used so lightly, I only feel for you,
I only know because I carry you around,
in the background...
Good friends come and memories are repeat,
Lift your head while they change the hospital sheets,
and I would never lie to you ,
I would never lie to you,
I felt you long after we were through...�
Shinji bolted up. He heard someone humming, then singing along with the song.
�Cause you come swimming into view,
and I�m hanging on your words like I always used to do,
the words we used so lightly, I only feel for you,
I only know because I carry you around,
in the background...
I felt you long after we were through...�*****
Shinji knew that voice. He knew those eyes. He knew that smile. He knew exactly how the folds of the shirt lie against that body. He knew how that silver hair fell lazily over that face. He knew what a room felt like when that body was near. He knew the person, through and through. But he still saw him as a stranger.
�Shin-chan, please don�t look at me like that...� the stranger said painfully.
�Who are you?� Shinji asked quietly.
�You know it�s me, Shinji.� Kaworu smiled sadly.
�Please go away. I don�t feel good.� Shinji said, as if he had reverted back to being 6 years old. Tears came to the stranger who wasn�t a stranger�s eyes, but he held them back and smiled again.
�Shin-chan, I came for you. I could have stayed where I was, but I came back to see you. Please talk to me.�
�You�re dead.� Shinji said, his mind fully wrapping around who the stranger was. �I killed you and you�re dead.�
�I remember.� Kaworu said. �But you didn�t kill me, Shinji-kun. I killed myself.�
�Shut up!!! It doesn�t matter!!!� Shinji screamed. �You�re gone!!! You left me here alone!!! You�re dead, and you left me!!!�
Kaworu stopped dead in his tracks. Everything went still, except for the disc player. He stood ridged. Shinji stared at him with complete hate. Kaworu had seen that face when Shinji talked of his father. He knew how much Shinji was aching, but he didn�t want to ever believe it was because of his negligence and lies. This was too much. He dropped to his knees, buried his face in his hands and sobbed.
�I�m so sorry, Shin-chan!� He cried. �I didn�t want it to happen like this...I didn�t want you to end up like this! But you know what I am! I didn�t know what else to do!�
Shinji was stunned. He�d never seen Kaworu cry before; he actually thought it was impossible. But there he was, right in front of him, weeping. And he realized it was because of him. All the anger and contempt he felt for Kaworu melted away as he sat next to the crying angel.
�Kaworu-kun...gomen ne...� Shinji whispered, not wanting to look Kaworu in the eyes. �I...I�m just so lonely...I didn�t mean it...�
�Yes you did...� Kaworu sniffled. �And you�re completely right. I...I messed everything up so bad...with you...with my family...it�s all my fault, Shinji...�
Now Shinji was crying. How could he talk to Kaworu, the only one that loved him, like he did? He suddenly felt warm arms around him. He looked up. Kaworu had stopped crying, but his eyes were still damp. He was trying to be strong for Shinji.
�I...just wanted to come back...to tell you that I love you....remind myself that you love me...� he said quietly.
�How long?� Shinji asked, knowing that Kaworu wouldn�t be there for long. �How long will you stay?�
�Only for tonight, Shin-chan...I am sorry...� Kaworu said.
�No...don�t be...I should have expected it...� Shinji whispered. �But if you�re only here for a night...then I want you to take me...if I can�t see you for a long time...then I want something to remember...�
�We�ll see each other again, I promise. I can�t tell you when or how...but we will. And this promise...I�ll keep this promise...�
They started by slowly removing each other�s clothing. Gently, softly, purposely prolonged. They each stood there, exploring the other with their fingertips, memorizing the contours of the other�s body, until they couldn�t handle the pressure any more and fell on each other with a desperately violent need.
Shinji was sleeping, curled up next to Kaworu. He didn�t want to be awake when he only love was taken away again. Kaworu watched Shinji breath, wishing over and over again that they could be together forever.
�I love you Shin-chan...� he breathed. �You�ll never know how much I hurt for you...�
He got up quietly and got dressed, choking back a sob as he left the apartment. He walked under the moonlight, the moonlight that connects us all, the moonlight than ran through the veins of him, of the First, and now of Shinji.
He walked through the door of the apartment that was once described as �decrepid�. Rei sat on her bed waiting for him. He smiled sadly.
�Thank you, Ayanami-san.� He said quietly. Rei smiled slightly and nodded. She held her hand out. Kaworu hesitated, but then took it, and in a bright flash was absorbed into her.
�So it begins, Ikari.� she whispered slightly. �May our heart be strong, Nagisa-kun.�
*Orgy
**Veruca Salt
***Nine Inch Nails
****Pink Floyd
*****Third Eye Blind
