Shinji-kun....
You needn�t miss me.
I, too, often reflect on our time together on earth. The way you looked at the water�s edge, so sad and lonely, just like the city you�re protecting. Your cloudy blue eyes. Some say the eyes are the window to the soul. Your soul must be the most perfect and beautiful that has ever existed.
As we were walking back to NERV. You walked so carefully. Taking slightly uneven steps, like you forgot your way every few minutes, but then remembered again. I did see you staring at me, and to tell you the truth, I was a little embarrassed. No one had looked at me like that before. But I desperately wanted to look at you the same way.
And our kiss. In the bath. It had been silent for some time. I think I scared you when I said that I loved you. I expected that. No one in your recollection had said those words to you, except maybe your mother. And I meant it. I watched the lights in the bath water dance in your eyes, kind of like stars in the sky. You hadn�t lifted your up head for quite some time. I reached out and held your face in my hand, and before you could protest, stole a kiss from you. You jumped back, panicing. At first I thought I had hurt you. I had never touched a Lillim before. Were they more delicate than I thought?
�Kaworu-kun?!� you exclaimed.
�Y-yes?� I stuttered.
�What was that?� I was confused. Didn�t you know?
�I mean....why?� Didn�t you know that, too?
�You don�t kiss people like that!� Oh.......what?
�How....how should I do it then?� I asked.
�Well....I don�t.....I should want it too, first of all.� you replied. I frowned, cocking my head to one side, trying to understand what was going on.
�Didn�t you?� I inquired. You blushed, reaching for the right words.
�Well....I....I just can�t...do that sort of thing....um...� I smiled. Now I understood. I touched your face, putting a finger to your lips, silencing you.
�Shinji-kun, what do you feel?� I asked.
�Oh....um....well, I think that....� you started.
�No, Shinji-kun. What do you FEEL?� I interrupted. You stared at me, confused. Then your eyes cleared, and something seemed to come to you. Tears came. I kissed you again.
�There. Was that right?� I asked. You nodded. I grinned and kissed you again. I was beginning to enjoy this Lillim game.
I can still feel your chest heave in and out in deep, world wrecking sobs, when you cried all those tears that you�ve ever held inside you to me. The water in the bath rippled as you trembled in my arms, creating perfect circles around us. My poor, poor Shin-chan. You�re so fragile. You feel that you are undeserving of love. I believe you learned that from your father. I wanted to show you that it wasn�t true. I wanted to show you how deep love can go and beyond that. I wanted....wanted....I.....I wanted you, Shin-chan.
The memory of a tiny, useless apartment, and how you turned it into the most vivid room in this reality. You laid nearly next to me, spilling out hopes and fears and memories, and I drank them in, ecstatic to simply hear you talk. Then you stopped. You were finished. I looked at you. So fragile and scarred. I wanted to reach out and touch you, to heal you from all the pain. I leaned down to kiss you, which you accepted with a smile. When I moved to be closer to you, however, you pulled back once more. I could hear your heart call out to mine, that you wanted unify as much as I did. But you held still.
�N-no...Kuru-kun, I....I don�t think.....�
�Shhh, Shinji-kun. What makes you so afraid of me? Why won�t you let go?�
�I�m...not afraid of you.....it�s just that if I let go.....I might fall...and...� You turned away from me. I gently pushed your face to look at me again. Is this what you were led to believe? That if you were to fall, no one will be there?
�I�ll catch you, Shin-chan.� I said, the seriousness of my voice raised to a level that I had only used one other time: when I told you that I loved you. I kissed you softly, and you simply looked at me, and cried, wrapping your legs around me. I wiped your tears off your flushed face, asking whatever was listening to take your pain away, because you didn�t deserve it.
�Please....don�t let go of me, Kaworu....� you begged. I clutched to you all the tighter. �You�re all I have...�
***
�Mmm...� I heard you sigh as you buried your head into my side. I stared at the ceiling, completely exhausted for the first time ever, slowly stroking your hair. I let my glance drift to the window, then down to you. Your eyes were half shut, and you had a sated smile on your face. I wondered about what you wanted out of life. I wanted to give you anything you desired. But what was that?
�Shin-chan?� I asked.
�Hmm? Yes?�
�Um. Did you ever want to have children?� You stirred slightly, looking up at me.
�What brought that up all of a sudden?� you asked. I blushed and smiled.
�I don�t know. I think....I just want to give you anything you want, and I....can�t give you that.�
�You�ve given me enough...� you whispered, kissing me. I shivered slightly as your lips touched mine, trapped within my own ecstasy.
�No.� I said instantaneously. �No, I haven�t. But someday, I�ll give you everything, itooshi.�
You sighed patiently. �I don�t want everything, Kuru-chan.�
I looked at you. You looked very tired. �What do you want, then, Shinji-kun?� I asked. You shifted uncomfortably, resting your head on my chest.
�I just want you, Kaworu.� you muttered. I grinned, and felt my eyes fly open with elation.
�Yes. That�s what I want, too, Shin-chan.�
***
I was sleeping better than I ever had in my short time with you Lillim. I was slowly drowning in you; in everything about you. Your slow, warm breaths against my neck had drifted me into sleeping, while your legs wrapped around me kept me warm. I dreamed of your soft hair and your warm lips and your cool skin.
�Kaworu-kun.....�
I heard your voice. My eyes fluttered, and I felt the familiar feeling of your hand resting on my face. I turned my body so that I was as close as possible.
�Kuru-chan?�
�Hai. Hello. Why aren�t you sleeping, Shin-chan?� I yawned.
�I�m too tired to sleep. I was just watching you.� you replied. I smiled and rubbed my face against your chest, Your breathing was abnormal, which I observed to happen when you were upset. �Why are you up, Kuru-chan?�
�Oh. I heard you calling me. Don�t say you didn�t, yes you did. I heard you. Did you need me?� I asked.
�Kaworu....if I had.....had to....leave....� you started shakily. Leave? Surely you didn�t mean......
�Leave? What....don�t leave, Shin-chan.� I tightened my grip around you, but you eased out of it, sitting up and pulling the now cumbersome covers off us. You looked down at me, not making eye contact, and then looked down in front of you. I saw an incredible amount of pain in your eyes. You seemed reluctant to touch me. I concentrated hard on you. You were staring at a broken class cup that had accidentally fallen off a table we rolled into while we were on the floor with one another. I made the connection. Maybe you thought that doing things you loved eventually led to......I got up and hugged your shoulders.
�Shin-chan, I don�t need you to protect me from you. I�ll follow you wherever you go, but leaving won�t help me at all. Now....� I slowly pushed you back on the floor. �Go to sleep.� You hugged me tightly.
�I�m...sorry.�
�Don�t ever be sorry. Being in love.....hurts at times.�
�Is this what this is?� you asked, more directed at me than you.
�Isn�t it?� I said, resting my body on yours, closing my eyes. You yawned and rested your hands softly on my back.
�Yes. Of course it is.�
***
When I was sure that you were asleep, I walked over to my window, looking at the night sky that I had enjoyed so much. All my dead brothers and sisters called to me, screaming, echoing in my ears.
�Tabris...� I squeezed my eyes shut and put my hands over my ears. I didn�t want to hear them. But I still did. They cried that I was on a mission. I was meant to do what I was supposed to do, and not get attached to the Lillim. How very like Shinji-kun I was.
�Stoppit stoppit stoppit stoppit stoppit....� Tears spilled down my face. Why couldn�t they leave me alone? Didn�t they know how hard it was? No, of course they didn�t. I was the only one who craved touch and affection. I was the Angel of Free Will. They had no idea what pain I felt.
�Kuru-chan?�
That tiny little murmur dulled their screams so I couldn�t even hear them. I spun around, and saw you propped up on your elbow, looking extremely concerned. When I asked if you were okay, you answered with an unconvincing yes. You gently demanded that I come back to bed; a request that I gladly fulfilled. Your concerned face only deepened when you realized that I was upset, and tried to wipe my tears away. I pressed against your hand, cherishing your touch. I didn�t think that my feelings hurt you so deeply. When you started to cry, I couldn�t bear to know that it was because of me. I wanted you to be happy. So I gave you my everything to replace that sadness imprinted in your eyes. I gave you my love, and I gave you my body. And it wasn�t just for you. It was to help me as well. Being with you.....was the peek of my existence. I can�t even describe what it was like, because words are such clumsy things, not at all proper for explaining feeling of that extent.
When we were finished, all my senses were on edge. Smells were more attractive, sounds were sharper, everything I saw had an inner beauty that I had failed to notice before. To know that we�d have no more nights together, that I�d never feel you from the inside after the next day.....I hoped you would sleep. I didn�t want you to see me cry again.
I considered all options that night, Shinji-kun. I really did. I knew that whatever I could undo the next day, the First Child could easily redo, if the circumstances permitted it. And in the end....well, in the end, I had the feeling that I know that you have had so many times. The feeling of obligation, the fear of punishment. I told myself that this was the Lillim�s fate. But...............
***
The next morning I awoke as the sun came forth, screaming for me to go forward. I ignored it and stepped quietly to the shower. This morning was not to be rushed. In fact, I was going to take it as slow as it could go.
I lowered my head, letting the water run over my body, trying to warm the coldness that was slowly overcoming my heart. Tabris would have to do his duty soon. Slight tremors of sadness would run through me, making me shake with pain. Tears ran down my cheeks.
�This is the last. There will be no more nights of love. There will be no more mornings, waking up and seeing his face, right next to yours. No more stroking his hair, no more tasting his skin, no more sleeping entangled with each other. This is your last.�
Tap, tap, tap. I looked up, and saw you gently rapping on the shower doors. Eager to see your face, I opened them, ready to do whatever you came to request of me.
�Can......can I....um....come in with you?�
I grinned. Yes! Yes, of course you could. I wanted that more than anything. You were to take what you wanted when with me. You could have anything. Everything. I pulled you in with me, and held on to you, because you were all I had to hold on to. People probably think that I was powerful enough to take advantage of all that I saw. That�s not true. You were all I had, Shinji-kun. But you were all I wanted, and that want amplified the more time I spent with you. I pressed my face against your hair. You smelt like roses and blood.
***
The closer we became to NERV headquarters, the more I could feel THEM. All of them. Smiling, waiting. I went to open the door, and found that I couldn�t. I wanted to grab your arm and run, run far away from everything that held us here. Your hand gripped mine tightly. Concern spilled from your eyes. I needed to get away from that place. At least for a little while.
We walked to the water site. After a bit of comfortable silence, you started to hum. You started to hum our song. I grabbed you, lifting you up to eye level, and swung you around. I felt so happy. Nothing had ever made me as happy as you did. I looked at the water. I had never swam before, except in LCL. I wondered...
�Shin-chan? Have you ever swam?�
Yes, you have.
�Would you like to go swimming?�
Yes, you would. I eagerly took off my clothes and jumped in. It felt fantastic. I dived under, going as deep as I could go. I felt peaceful, like the water was welcoming me into it. I heard you call my name above water, so I grabbed your leg, inviting you to the tranquil realm I had found. As we both surfaced, you didn�t seem to like swimming as much as you informed me.
�What�s the matter, Shinji-kun?� I asked. You couldn�t swim. I smiled. That wasn�t a problem. I wanted you to feel the peace that I felt way out in the deep. I pulled you out with me. Why didn�t you swim? Fear. Ah. Okay. This must be slightly frightning for you, then. I pulled you back to shore, laying beside you. I wanted to tell you everything. I wanted to tell you about Tabris, and Adam, and run away with you. Would you still want me if you knew the truth?
�Shinji?�
�Hmm?� I accidentally looked into your clear and innocent eyes, and I couldn�t bear to hurt you. Not then.
�Nothing.� I kissed you before you inquired further, and immediately felt guilt tug at my heart. How could I lie to you like that? �I�m sorry.�
�Sorry for what?� I wanted you to be silent. I couldn�t tell you what I was sorry for. I just wanted you to know that I was sorry. I carried you to the protection of the shadows under some high rocks. I think I was trying to hide you.
�Kaworu-kun?� you looked at me with those sad, blue eyes, and I couldn�t take it anymore. My breathing became faster and shallow. I wanted you just one more time. I knew it would only hurt more later, but I didn�t care. Not anymore. I kissed you as softly as I could, inviting you. An invitation that you seemed to take well, because you wrapped your arms around me and deepened the kiss.
�My Shin-chan.......�
Desperate passion flared in us. Maybe you knew that this would be the last time, as well. Every touch I gave you was as gentle as possible. I treated you as fragile as you were. I started to cry again, and whispered in your ear,
�Tabris won�t have you....�
�What?� I realized that I just involuntarily told you everything.
�I love you......� I craved saying that to you, because no one else would.
�Tell ......again....� you tried to say, out of breath, clutching to me tighter.
�I love you Shh....Shin-chan......I�ll never let you go.....no....no matter what....�
�Ahhh....!.....thank...thank you.....� You didn�t need to thank me.
***
We walked through NERV hallways, you clinging to my arm, smiling. Once in a while my hand would reach up to rustle your hair. We walked by personnel, all who knew us, and all who seemed surprised to see us together. Your smile faded as we passed one door.
LANGLY SOURU, AUSKA
What was wrong? I wanted to see who this person was. You seemed frozen, not wanting to go in. I led you in with me, holding your hand to let you know that I was right there with you. Then I saw her. The Second Child. Auska.
�Is this the child I am to replace?� I asked, still looking at her. Her eyes followed me like I was an intruder, but she was too weak to say or do anything.
�Yeah.� you muttered. I brushed her face, wishing her well.
�Poor thing.�
�That�s not Auska.� you said sternly. �The Auska I know wouldn�t be caught dead lying in a bed when she could be up. She would be up and yelling at me and telling me what to do and...she....� you put a hand to your face, shivering. I immediately held you, letting you cry into my shoulder.
�Shhh....it�s okay. I�m sorry.� I kissed your forehead. �Come on. Let�s go.� I looked back at Auska one more time. Anger flared in her eyes. What did you mean to her to cause a reaction like that? I felt her eyes burning in me. It was like she knew. She knew everything, and was silently judging me.
***
We walked hand in hand through the hallways. I still felt Auska�s eyes on me, watching me. They were replaced with a pair of red eyes across the hall. Her presence made me uncomfortable and serene at the same time.
�Hello, Ayanami-san.� I treated her with the upmost respect. She looked at me blankly, and looked at you with a hint of sympathy.
�Hello, Nagisa-kun.� I heard you gasp quietly. I knew Rei very well, so I also knew that her use of words was quite a surprise. It seemed we talked silently for hours before she turned and said,
�Hello, Ikari-kun.�
�Oh! Hello, Rei.� you replied shakily. I knew that she harbored at least some sort of compassion for you. I pulled you a little closer and smiled, letting her know that I had no voluntary intentions of hurting you in any way. She looked me up and down with reluctant trust, and left.
�Do you two know each other?� you asked after a bit of silence.
�Yes, a little. Sort of. Why?� I said, still thinking about her.
�She doesn�t usually talk to people like that. Especially ones who haven�t been around her much.�
�Mmm-hmm. I know.�
�You two kinda look alike.� you said. I grinned, laughing silently at my own private joke.
�Do you think so? We are very much alike, you know.� You looked at me with disbelief.
�Ikari Shinji, please report to section 333. Ikari Shinji.�
�Oh! Kaworu, I have to....� you started.
�Yes, I know. I�ll....I�ll see you later, Shin-chan.� I said, my voice breaking slightly. You stood on your toes to kiss me slightly, but I trapped you in my arms and kept you there. Tears came to my eyes. I knew that this was our last kiss. Our lips tightened slightly, and opened again, over and over, constantly changing posistions. The sound of our clothes rustling together was louder that anything in the building. Your hands combed in my hair, and I didn�t ever want to let you go. Our lips parted, and I looked up at the clock. We had been embraced in the kiss for two whole minutes. But why did it only seem like a few seconds? I held back a sob tearing at my chest and hugged you goodbye. I watched you run off, sighing sadly, and slid my hands back into my pockets. I turned my direction toward the Cage.
***
That day. That day that was probably just recorded in a document in some government file, but it was the end of the world for us. It�s funny how something can be just a fact to one Lillim, but the worst thing that could possibly happen to another. I heard what you said, about betrayal. It.......it hurt. But I knew it was true. And even though you may have heard my words as daggers into the heart of everything you know, I was really only trying to teach you, to help you understand. And in the end, I took the only way out to spare you. It was the only thing I could do, even though I denied it up to that point. And I felt so.....so at peace. It felt so right. I embraced death, took its hand, welcomed its touch.
What I found after death.......well, that is something that everyone must experience only for themselves. But I had a choice. And I chose to stay with you, my Shin-chan. In you, around you. It was where I was the happiest. You could feel it. I know you could. Even when you gripped that blade, so completely ready to end everything, it was a part of me that stopped you from cutting.
When I saw what conspiracy that I/she/we, in a round-about sort of way, played a part in, I knew it was our chance. Our chance to be together again, forever this time. So I warned you. You did so well, Shinji. I knew that you would. Can you feel it? It�s so close now. I�m right here, Shinji. I�m right here with you, like I said I�d be. Take my hand, my Shin-chan.
It�s time.
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