Kaworu-kun...
I miss you so much.
I still remember your eyes. Those beautiful, crimson eyes. The way they shone the first time you smiled at me. I remember thinking they were the most beautiful things I ever saw. I still think that. I remember their....familiarity.
I remember walking with you to NERV. Your confident stride. Your hands casually kept in your pockets. Your silver hair as it lightly fell over your eyes, reflecting the orange glow of the sunset. And when you caught me staring at you, you simply smiled and returned my gaze.
I remember our first kiss. In the bath. After you told me of the heart�s reaction to pain. After you told me that you loved me. I wasn�t sure what to say to that. You slowly ebbed closer to me, cupped my face in your hand, and kissed me. I pulled back.
�K-Kaworu-kun...!� I sputtered. You looked confused.
�Y-yes, Shinji-kun?�
�What....why.....what are you doing?!� Your confusion only amplified.
�What�s wrong?�
�You just don�t.....kiss people like that!�
�Then....then how am I to kiss you?�
�I don�t know! I mean....both people should want it, I guess.� You frowned. I think I hurt your feelings.
�Did you not want it?� I opened my mouth to say something, then shut it, because I had nothing to say. Did I want it?
�I....I don�t....I can�t DO those things......I mean....� I stuttered. After listening to me try to find something to say for a bit, you just smiled.
�Shinji-kun, what do you feel?� What do I feel? I didn�t understand.
�Well....I....I think that I....� I started. Your smile faded slightly, but not so much that I didn�t know it was there.
�No. What do you FEEL, Shinji-kun?� I didn�t know. Wasn�t thought and feeling the same? No, it wasn�t. And the voice that spoke for my heart, the voice that I ignored for so long while I built walls around it to keep from being hurt, screamed at top volume. My eyes threatened to cry. You kissed me.
�How was that? Is that how I should kiss you?� I looked at you, my bottom lip shaking, and nodded. You kissed me again, and this one I welcomed, falling into your arms. I wasn�t going to spend all my time questioning sexuality and formality, not when I had what I wanted right there with me. Because what I found in that kiss....it wasn�t the kiss that scared me. It was what I felt in you. It was like my life, my soul, my heart, were all poured into you, then returned, washed, mended, renewed. My heart was not longer frozen, my soul no longer jaded. And that frightened me. How could someone just do that to me? How could someone crack open what was left of my heart, leaving me tired and vunerable, and NOT hurt me? How....how could you want me after you saw what I really was? It seemed that whenever someone touched me, it was only pain that was given. But not with you. Never with you.
It was in the bath where I finally learned to trust someone wholly and without restraint. And I needed it. I needed you. I cried harder and more than I ever had there, while you held me, keeping me safe. I let go all the chains I kept on myself, weeping like I had never felt tears before. It released something in me. Everything inside me that I never let show. The pain for my mother. For Touji. For myself.
�I should really sleep on the floor.� You had told me that a thousand times since I asked to spend the night. I had nothing special in mind for us to do. Just talk, get to know each other better. I laid on the floor, just slightly lower than your thin mattress, and told you of my life, and my work, and my father. You sat there, listening sympathetically , smiling sadly. When I had nothing else to say, and you had nothing else to ask, you leaned down and kissed me. With the sleekness that you do everything with, you slid off your mattress, and before I was aware of what was going on, you were on top of me, kissing me, one of your hands slowly moving up my shirt, the other caressing the inside of my thigh. My heart screamed how right this was, but I ignored it again.
�Mmm....No!...no....� I pushed you up, pulling your hand out from under my clothes. �I....I don�t think.....just.....no.� I stuttered.
�Why?� you asked, kissing me lightly, making me giddy.
�We....just.....I don�t....�
�Shin-chan, what makes you so afraid? Why don�t you let yourself go sometimes?�
�I don�t know.....I think....maybe....if I let go.....I�ll fall....and....� I looked away. You turned my head back up, forcing me to look in your eyes.
�I�ll catch you.� You kissed me again, and it was so full of truth and simplicity that tears spilled down my cheeks even before your lips lifted off mine. You wiped them away, and pulled me closer.
�Itooshi....� you murmured. �Why? Why do you hurt so much? It�s not right....�
I buried my face in the folds of your shirt. �Don�t let go of me, Kaworu.� You held on to me tighter. �You�re all I have...�
The next thing I know I�m no longer me, but you, and us, at the same time. I always thought that sex was something that would be scary, and something that I thought no one would care about me enough to share in. But it wasn�t either. I found out that I actually liked it. I liked not being a single person with a single person, but a collective mind where the most extreem satisfaction and the most pure love could come from.
I remember the feeling of the cool breeze coming from your window, as we laid with our legs entwined, your arms surrounding me. The tiny droplets of sweat on your pale-perfect skin, and how clear and crystline they looked.
�Shinji-kun?� you asked, fingers entangled in my hair.
�Hmm?�
�Did you ever want to have children?�
�What brought that up?� I asked, shifting my head from its resting place on your chest till we were eye to eye.
�I don�t know.� you smiled shyly. �I guess...I was just thinking of all those things I can�t give you.�
�You�ve given me enough...� I whispered, kissing you softly.
�No.� you said abruptly. �No. But someday I will. Someday, I�ll give you everything.� You kissed me swiftly. I smiled, pressing my ear against your chest, listening to your heart beat.
�I don�t want everything, Kuru-chan.� I sighed.
�What do you want, Shinji-kun?� you asked. My eyes widened. That question had seemed to be asked a lot lately, and I never had an answer to it.
What do you want, Shinji?
I don�t know.
What do you want, Shinji?
....Happiness? Do I want happiness?
What do you want, Shinji?
No....I want...I....want.....
�I want you, Kaworu-kun....� I whispered into your ear.
�Hmm.� you smiled at me. �Yeah, that�s what I want, too.�
You were sleeping. The sharp, clear smile that was always on your face was dulled at the corners, your mouth slightly open, taking in slow, deep breaths. I traced a finger from your navel to your neck, then rested my hand on your cheek.
�Kaworu....� I thought to myself. �How....how could you want me? I�m not anything special.� Tears came down my cheeks, running into the smile that was spreading across my face. �You�re everything I want. I can�t believe that you love me as much as you do.� I invisioned lovely red eyes, smiles, words. �I�ll love you forever.�
My eyes flew open, and the hand that rested softly on your face yanked itself away. I laid there, shaking. I couldn�t love you. I did, but I couldn�t. Everything I touched, I broke. I wouldn�t let that happen to you. Not you. Even if it meant giving you up....
�Hmmmm.....� I heard you sigh. You�re body turned onto its side, and your arms wrapped around me, tightening until we were as close as possible. Your head rested under my chin.
�Kuru-chan?� I whispered.
�Hai. I�m awake.� you answered, looking into my eyes. �Why are you still up? It�s very late.�
�I was just watching you.� I said, stroking your hair. �Why are you up?�
�I heard you call out to me.� you yawned.
�I didn�t....� I started.
�Yes, you did. I heard you.� you insisted. �Maybe not out loud, but you did. Did you need me for something?�
�I....I just....Kaworu, if.....� I couldn�t say it. I couldn�t tell you that I might have to leave you to protect you. �If I had to....to leave....� Your expression held confusion, seriousness, and even panic.
�Don�t....what do you mean, leave? Don�t leave.� Your arms tightened around me. I gently eased out of your grip and sat up. I realized how hot the room had gotten, and then pulled the covers to the side of us. I saw the moonlight hit your soft, pale skin, then be absorbed by it, and for a split second, you looked almost as fragile as I felt. I turned away from you, and stared at a broken glass we had knocked off a table when we were on the floor. I saw your reflection in every piece. You smiled, sat up, and looked me directly in my eyes. You no longer looked fragile.
�You�re not leaving. I�ll follow you to the ends of the earth if I have to, but you�re not leaving to protect me. I don�t need you to do that. Now...� you said, gently pushing me back down to the floor. �Go to sleep.�
�Gomen ne....� I whispered, wrapping my arms around you. You rested your body on top of mine, so we were eye to eye.
�No. Don�t be. Love is quite a tricky thing, Shin-chan.�
�Is this what this is?�
�Isn�t it?� You asked, closing your eyes. I smiled.
�Yes. Of course it is.� Of course it is.
When I woke up later that night and found that you weren�t beside me, I surprised myself by whispering, �No, not yet....� but was relieved upon finding you standing by the window, looking at the sky.
�Kuru?� I mumbled sleepily.
�Oh!� I must have taken you off guard. �Shin-chan! Are...are you alright?�
Now THERE was a question.
�Yeah, of course. Come back to bed.�
You stretched, yawned, and strolled over to the bed. I felt your skin rub against mine as you slid under the covers, and I felt drowned in warmth and peacefulness. You smiled and pulled me closer. Our lips touched affectionately. Not quite kissing, just lightly brushing. And then I saw it. A slight glimmer on your face. I narrowed my eyes and.....a tear streak. You�d been crying.
�Kaworu-kun...?� I whispered, moving my hand to wipe it away. You pressed your palm against the back of my hand, slowly rubbing up and down your face. Then you sighed. A deep, sad, melancholic sigh, and it broke my heart. Tears rolled down my cheeks. It hurt me to see you so sullen.
�Shin-chan? Oh...oh no, Shin-chan. Don�t cry. Please. It�s okay.� You kissed my face, drinking my spilt tears at the same time. �Everything�s fine tonight. Don�t worry.�
I wiped my eyes and smiled. You had a way of making me feel better, no matter what. You knew so much about me. Maybe you knew about what happened to Auska, or about Rei, or...or even about Mother...
�Kaworu, I....� I started, groping for the right words.
As if you sensed my distress, you sighed and put a single finger softly to my lips.
�Shh, Shin-chan. Not tonight. Don�t think of things that hurt you. Perhaps some other time.�
Before I could say anything else, you kissed me, physically reassuring me that tonight was our night. Soon after, we were joined as one again, a mass of legs and arms, a blur of sweat and kisses. I moaned and screamed and whimpered, clutching to you like my life depended on it, as you whispered promises of unrestrained and eternal love into my ear. I caught your finger in my mouth, and realized that you tasted like LCL and sugar. Even though I felt better then than I ever did or ever would in my life, I still peered up at you through a veil of tears. Somehow, deep in my heart, I knew that nothing this perfect, this loving, this right, could last for very long.
Sometime later, our bodies reluctantly relinquished hold of each other, and we were two separate beings again. Although, I never thought we were anything less than one being. Not really. Even now, when you�re gone, I can still feel you inside me. I clung to you tightly, wrapping my arms and legs around your torso, tucking my head underneath your chin. I breathed in your aroma, and concentrated on memorizing the feeling of your soft, porceline-like skin. I wanted to stay awake. I didn�t want to drop my guard, because I had a horrible feeling that if I slept, you�d be taken away from me. But I was so tired. Each blink threatened to be the last, and I couldn�t keep my eyes opened for much longer.
�Kaworu-kun?� I whispered, finding my words very clumsy and hard to handle. �I....I can�t stay awake.�
�Yes, I know. Rest, Shin-chan. I�ll be here when you awake. And tomorrow.....� you trailed off.
�Tomorrow?� I yawned.
�Yes. Well. Unfortunately, tomorrow shall find us.�
Unfortunately? What did you mean? I wanted to ask these questions, but I was rapidly slipping into unconsciousness. Besides, deep down, I already knew. I already knew that we would both die the next day, in one way or another.
In the morning afterwards, I woke up with the sun shining in my eyes, filtering through your curtains. You were gone, but I heard the shower running quietly, so I got up and shuffled into the bathroom. Curls of steam slipped through the doorway as I entered, only to die soon after their escape. I don�t know why they struck me so profoundly at that time. Maybe I saw myself in their struggle. Maybe I saw you. I watched your silhouette through the blurred glass shower doors for a moment, then softly tapped on the barrier. You opened them, wet and silvery hair falling in your eyes, and smiled.
�Can....can I come in with you?� I asked, looking at the floor, blushing. You just smiled and pulled me gently in.
�Of course. You�re welcome to do anything you like here, Shin-chan.�
We didn�t even make love. You just held me as we stood under the running water, slowly rubbing your hands up and down my back, your face buried in my hair, descending your head every once in a while to kiss me. I kept my face in the crook between your chin and neck, breathing when it occurred to me to do so. Everything was so perfect. Nothing was wrong. Absolutely nothing.
We got dressed, and walked to NERV headquarters, holding hands the entire time. People pointed and whispered to each other, but I couldn�t make myself care. You were all that mattered.
As your hand reached to swipe your ID card, you hesitated, and pulled back. My grip on your other hand tightened, as if I was asking what was wrong. You smiled and said,
�Shin-chan, let�s do something else before we report in.�
Okay, that sounded good. Your eyes that held slight panic were full of relief, and we left. We ended up walking along the water�s edge where I first saw you. I couldn�t help myself, and started humming �Ode to Joy.� Your eyes lit up, and you started laughing, picking me up and twirling me around.
�My song! OUR song! I didn�t think you remembered!�
�Of course I remembered.� I said, slight disappointment in my voice as you let me down. �Pick me up again.�
�Would you like to go swimming?� you smiled. �It would be easier to pick you up in water.�
Yeah, that sounded good, too. Before I even got my white overshirt off, you had already dived in, shaking the excess water out of your hair. As I watched the drops fall around you, you flexed your back, and in the reflection of the sunlight in the mist surrounding you, I swore that I could see wings. I shook the image out of my head as you dived toward the bottom. When you didn�t surface, I hurried in.
�Kaworu?� I called. Suddenly I felt a tug at my ankle, and I was pulled underwater. I clawed for the surface, gasping for air as I broke the water, and saw you come up right after me, grinning with amusement. You started to head out to the center, but stopped when you saw that I wasn�t following.
�Shin-chan? What�s wrong?�
�Um. I...I can�t really swim all that well...� I said
�Ah. Well then.� you said, swimming back to me. You reached your arms around me, holding on tightly. �Here.� You started to swim to the deeper part again, pulling me with you. I held on to you as we treaded water in the center. After a bit of silence you asked �Why didn�t you ever learn to swim?�
�I don�t know. Humans aren�t made to float, I guess.� I answered.
�Are you sure?� you asked, not expecting an answer, and not receiving one. We slowly headed to the shore. We laid side by side on the sand, letting the water lap over us.
�Shinji-kun?� you whispered.
�Yeah?�
�.....nothing. Nevermind.� You kissed me. �I�m...I�m sorry.�
�Sorry for what, Kaworu-kun?�
�Shh....� You picked me up carried me to the rocks I saw you sitting on days earlier, laying me under their protection, and kissed me again. I felt so delicate the way you treated me, like I was about to shatter if you touched me too hard or said something too loud. You didn�t do either. Even as we made love under the shadows, my hands pulling at your crystal hair, your touches were like being caressed with feathers. No one had ever taken care of me the way that you did. Toward the end, you whispered something inaudible into my ear.
�W-what?� I whispered, opening my clenched eyes to look up at you.
�I love you, Shinji-kun...� you breathed against my lips. But that wasn�t what you had said. I didn�t care.
�Tell...tell me....again...� I whimpered.
�I love you more than anything......I�ll never leave you.....� you repeated. I tasted a tear that fell on my lips.
�Thank you......� Only two people have ever said those words to me. One of them.....she�s dead. You were the only person on earth that loved me.
We walked into NERV. You seemed nervous. As we passed through the hallways, we came to a door.
LANGLY SOURYU, AUSKA
A familiar pang of sadness came to me.
�I HATE YOU SHINJI! I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYONE!!�
Before I knew what happened, you were already in the doorway of her room, gently yanking my arm to follow. We walked to the bed of the shell that used to be Auska. The only way I knew that she was alive was that she followed us with her eyes.
�Is this the child I replaced?� you asked. �Is this the Second Child?�
�Yeah.� I said. You brushed some loose strands of bronze hair out of her eyes.
�Poor girl.� you mumbled.
�This...this isn�t the Auska I know. The Auska I know would be up, telling me what an idiot I am. She�d be challenging me and contradicting me and calling me a wimp and....and....� I started shaking, holding back tears. I didn�t want Auska to see me cry.
�Oh...Shin-chan...shhh....� you held me. �It�s okay. I�m sorry. We shouldn�t have come here. Come on.� As we walked out of the room, I thought I saw out of the corner of my eye Auska mouth the word
�Stupid.�
A figure was coming down the hallway toward us. Your grip on my hand tightened, and your smile faded, then returned with a new, mysterious quality about it.
�Hello, Ayanami-san.�
Rei looked at us holding hands, totally void of visible shock, unlike all the others who passed us.
�Hello, Nagisa-kun.� It was I who was shocked. Rei talked to someone whom had only been around her for a few days, something I had not come to expect from her. Your eyes held some sort of wordless conversation with her. She turned to me.
�Hello, Ikari-kun.�
�Oh! Hi, Rei.�
You smiled brightly at Rei, pulling me slightly nearer to you. Rei looked at you, as if warning you against something, and walked away. We resumed our trip down the hallway. You seemed to be amused by something.
�Um. Do you two know each other?� I asked.
�After a fashion. Why?� you replied, still musing to yourself.
�I dunno. She usually doesn�t talk to people all that much.�
�Yes, I know.�
�You two kind of look alike.�
You grinned and looked at me. �Do you think so? We�re very much alike, you know.� No, I had no clue, actually. Other than the fact that you looked just like each other, there was nothing about Rei that reminded me of you. While she seemed to shun touch, you strived for it. You were almost complete opposites in every way that I could think of.
�Ikari Shinji. Please report to Section 333. Ikari Shinji.�
�Oh! Kaworu, I have....�
�I know. I�ll see you soon.� you smiled sadly. I went to kiss you quickly before I left, but you wrapped your arms around me and deepened the kiss until we were both out of breath and clutching to each other tightly. I felt shaken down to my soul, and you seemed like you were about to cry. Whatever pain you were in, I felt it. I wanted to stay and comfort you, but my name was anounced over the anouncements again, less patient sounding then before. I hugged you tightly and ran off. I wish I would have stayed, because it was the last time I ever touched you.
The day after....after EVERYTHING. God. I could still hear myself screaming after my fist clenched around you, screaming all the things I never got a chance to tell you. I could still see them dragging me out of the entry plug, mentally paralyzed, too scared to stay in the Eva, but too scared to leave it. I walked to the water site where we first met, seriously contemplating walking in, breathing deep the liquid, ending the pain. But cowardice overcame my sorrows at that moment. I went home, only to take a kitchen knife to my room and contemplate there. In the facets of the blade I saw your face, your sad smile, your blood-red eyes. I could hear your laughing, your breathing, your whispering, your cries in the heat of our night. I pressed the cold metal against my skin, breathing deeply.
�No.�
I started sobbing uncontrollably, and threw the knife at the wall. If Misato were there to care, she probably would have. No, you gave your life to me so I could live, not act so childish. But I didn�t and don�t want to live without you. Why?! Why did you have to leave?! I curled up in my bed, hoping that my sleep would be mercifully void of dreams.
But it wasn�t. I dreamed about you that night. We were in the same bed we slept together in, only instead of whispering words of loving adoration, you were speaking in an urgent tone about unexpected opportunities, and that we�d be together again soon, and just to trust you and wait.
I believe you, Kaworu.
I woke up alone, again. I hated the pain. I hated the loneliness. I almost gave up so many times, Kaworu. I wanted to die. I would�ve let that man shoot me, release me. He told me not to hate him. I wouldn�t have. I almost didn�t get into my Eva. I can�t believe that you�re made of the same material as these monsters.
�Momma.....Mother.....�
I remembered. The time I saw my mother, in the Eva. I was ready to give up then, too. But as she came toward me, in the background, I saw....crimson eyes, and a smile.
So here I am. Misato and Auska are dead, along with countless others. I�m inside my Eva, which is quite ironic considering this is the last place I would want to be when I die. I�m bleeding terribly from wounds that go through my hands. And I�m still waiting for you, my Kaworu.
Ayanami? What.....why are you so big? What happened? No.......no, don�t come any closer, Rei.........wait, that�s not Rei, that�s...................oh, god..........................KAWORU?
Links to other sites on the Web
Back for mo' Fanfics!
Back to Kawaii Boys.
Main Site
All Evangelion characters are property of Gainax. There is no profit being made.