As a child I was told that anything said or done within the household was to remain in the household. To put it more bluntly and in my aunt's words, "we do not air our dirty laundry in public". I'll admit the statement confused me for awhile, but as I grew older and wiser, I learned exactly what it meant. The beating I got after seeking help from the parish priest (who then called my aunt) taught me a very important lesson - keep your mouth shut!!
As you can see, my clothesline is up. I've found that even the dirtiest of laundry must eventually be aired in public if we are to attempt any form of normalcy within our lives. For me, that meant crawling out of my hole and regaining at least some of my self-esteem. It wasn't going to be easy, especially since I had been told, from the time I was a small child, that I would never amount to anything. What I thought would be an escape from a hostile environment turned out to be a case of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. During the first six months of marriage, I had actually begun to feel as though someone loved me, that maybe I wasn't ugly and that I definitely was not stupid. But that all ended the first time he hit me and for the next thirteen years I was reminded almost daily that I had not amounted to anything, that I was fat and ugly, and stupidity was written all over my face!! If I wanted a new and better life for me and my kids, I would have to make an abrupt U-turn and begin building a new me.
I won't go into detail - most of those who know me already know the ups and downs of rebuilding my life. I will say that I faced countless barriers in my journey toward a better life. Along the way, there were forks in the road and I had to decide which fork would take me where I wanted to go. If I chose the wrong fork, time and energy was lost - but only until I retraced my steps and was again headed down the right path.
Sometimes I feel that life just isn't fair. I had managed to get over enormous hurdles, tear down barriers, and choose the right fork in the road. My life was going somewhere for a change. But the backlash from years of physical abuse by my aunt and then my husband had finally built a barrier so dense I couldn't move it, a hurdle so high I couldn't get over it, and forks in the road that no longer led down the correct path. Years of trauma to my body had led to an illness that would limit my abilities in many ways, and for a while I allowed the illness to run my life. However, I am a survivor and I wouldn't be here today if I had not pulled myself up by my bootstraps, looked at myself in the mirror and said "LIFE MUST GO ON!"
So how does a woman begin a new life - one without the threats of abuse? Or better yet, one that allows her to regain her self-esteem? Experts say the first step toward a better life is to talk about the abuse, possibly with a relative you can trust, a friend, or a counselor. You must also talk to yourself. Tell yourself you are not all those things your husband shouted at you when he was angry. Remind yourself daily that you are not a whipping post!! Think positively about yourself and your situation: leaving doesn't have to be the end of the road!!
Jennifer Baker Fleming, in her book Stopping wife abuse, says that abused women need to develop better feelings about themselves - that is, to change their self-image. The following is a list of positive attitudes Fleming suggests you repeat in order to change your self-image.
I am not to blame for being beaten and abused.
I am not the cause of another's violent behavior.
I do not like it or want it.
I do not have to take it.
I am an important human being.
I am a worthwhile woman.
I deserve to be treated with respect.
I do have power over my own life.
I can use my power to take good care of myself.
I can decide for myself what is best for me.
I can make changes in my life if I want to.
I am not alone, I can ask others to help.
I am worth working for and changing for.
I deserve to make my own life safe and happy.
I cannot say this too often. If you are being abused physically, mentally or sexually, the most important step is to get yourself out of the situation. Go to the nearest hospital, the police station, the fire station!!! If you have bruises, make sure these are documented. The law is on your side and by law, doctors MUST report any signs of abuse. Police can arrest the abuser if signs of abuse are present, even if you refuse to press charges. Stick to your guns. Get out and stay out.
One final point: Abuse is abuse whether it is to a child, an adult, an animal. There are laws to cover all areas of abuse. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! Am I coming on a bit too strong? I hope so.
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