I’ve Been Missing You

 

By

 

Jan

 

“Nikki Wade.”

 

Helen Stewart’s heart almost stopped when her boyfriend, Thomas, said the name of the woman who for so long had made her pulses race. “What about her?” she asked keeping her eyes firmly fixed on the menu and trying not to sound as guilty as hell. “I think I might have the fish. What about you?” she continued trying to change the subject but Thomas was having none of it.

 

“Yes, what about me, Helen?” he asked harshly. “Where do I fit into all this?” He was hurt. He loved Helen and Jim Fenner’s insinuation that she had been having an affair had knocked him for six, especially when he had revealed her erstwhile lover’s name…Nikki Wade!

 

“I don’t know what you mean, into all what?”

 

“For god’s sake, stop trying to come the innocent!” he retorted. “Jim Fenner told me…”

 

“Oh, Fenner’s been stirring it, has he?” she replied trying to keep her voice calm even though she felt panic rising inside her. Whatever Fenner had said had obviously planted a seed of doubt in Thomas’s head or he wouldn’t be questioning her.

 

“Jim Fenner,” he repeated. “Told me to ask you the real reason you were leaving Larkhall.”

 

“I told you, I’ve had enough.”

 

“Now tell me the real reason.”

 

She laughed shakily. “That is the real reason. I can’t be bothered to play Fenner’s little games anymore.”

 

“The sort of little game where he says ‘resign or I’ll throw a spanner in the works for Nikki Wade’s appeal’?” Her head jerked up and her eyes met his flinty gaze. “You must really care about her to give up your career for her.”

 

“It’s not like that,” she protested but it was like that. Fenner had found out about Nikki’s escape and had threatened to put paid to her appeal unless she, Helen, resigned from Larkhall. She had taken the inmate back but Fenner still had damning evidence that could put her behind bars as well so she hadn’t had any option but to succumb to his threats. “Yes, we were friends but…”

 

“Give it up, Helen,” he interrupted sharply. “And stop lying to me!”

 

She glanced around her, acutely aware that their heated exchange was attracting the attention of the other patrons in the restaurant. Her eyes met the pitying glance of the woman at the table opposite and she forced a weak smile before dropping her head to look once more at the menu, this time unseeingly.

 

Thomas pushed back his chair and stood up. “I’ll pay the bill on the way out,” he said matter-of-factly. “I was going to say ‘be happy, Helen’ but you won’t ever be happy until you stop lying to yourself.”

 

She didn’t know how long she sat there after Thomas had gone, too embarrassed to make a move. A young waiter stopped by her table and asked her if she wanted anything else. She shook her head then used him as a shield to make good her escape.

 

    

As she closed the front door behind her the telephone started to ring. She picked up the receiver hoping it was Thomas and at the same time hoping it wasn’t him. “Hello?” she said dully.

 

“You sound cheerful,” Claire Walker’s sarcastic tones greeted her. She was an old university friend and the lawyer handling Nikki’s appeal.

 

“Thomas and I had a row,” she explained. “We’ve finished.”

 

“I’m really sorry, Helen,” Claire said sincerely.

 

“So am I.”

 

 “Is there anything I can do?”

 

“There’s nothing anyone can do,” she replied bleakly.    

 

“Look, call me if you need anything. I’ll speak to you soon.”

 

Helen replaced the receiver then realised Claire hadn’t said why she had phoned. No doubt she would ring back later if it was anything important. She went into the living room where she sank down onto the settee. She had lost everything she cared about…Nikki, her job, Thomas. She frowned; why had she put them in that order? She realised then that Thomas was right; she had been lying to herself. Making love with Nikki the night she had escaped had made her realise how much she wanted her, desired her. She put her arms around herself protectively. Breaking up with Nikki had been the hardest thing she had ever done but while ever she was in Larkhall she couldn’t handle the depth of her feeling for her.

 

 

The day of Nikki’s hearing arrived. She wanted to go to court but what was the point in re-opening old wounds? After all, they had already said their ‘goodbyes’. She mooched around the flat feeling bored and restless and unable to settle to do anything until it finally all became too much for her and she grabbed her coat and bag and dashed out.

 

She sat in a pub staring up at the TV screen in the corner and watched Nikki’s first interview as a free woman. She couldn’t hear what was being said…the pub was too noisy…but, as was to be expected, Nikki looked ecstatic. Without realising it, tears started to stream down her face. If only she hadn’t been such an idiot, she would be the one by Nikki’s side now and not Trisha. Someone blocked her view of the screen and by the time she had craned her neck to see round him the news item had finished. She drained her glass and ordered another. Maybe if she got drunk she would get the picture of Nikki and Trisha together out of her head. She had tried to convince herself she had stopped loving Nikki but Thomas was right, she had been lying to herself. Even though Thomas was everything a woman could want in a man, she still wanted Nikki.

 

The barman brought her drink and placed it in front of her. She thanked him absently as she handed over the money then sat staring at the glass as if it was a crystal ball and could give her all the answers. Eventually she pushed the glass away, untouched, and went over to the payphone and dialled Claire’s mobile.

 

“I saw the news. Isn’t it fantastic?” she said with forced cheerfulness when Claire answered.

 

“It is,” Claire agreed. “And as she said, she owes it all to you.”

 

“She said that?” Helen asked in amazement then added by way of an explanation, “I only saw she had been freed, I couldn’t hear what was being said.”

 

“Are you going to the party? I’m sure she would like to see you.”

 

“Party?”

 

“At the club. I had a meeting or I would have gone.”

 

“No, I don’t think so. Look, I’ll ring you later.” She replaced the receiver thoughtfully then hurried outside and hailed a passing taxi. As she climbed inside she gave the address of the club. She had never been before but Nikki had told her where it was.

 

In the back of the taxi she took out her compact and checked her face in the mirror, nipping her cheeks when she saw how pale she looked. A comb through her hair and a fresh coat of lipstick and she felt more satisfied with her appearance.

 

Outside the club she paid off the taxi and watched anxiously as it pulled away. She still didn’t know if she had done the right thing by coming here. She took a deep breath knowing she couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer and went inside.

 

It was still only mid-afternoon but the club was quite crowded; probably Nikki’s and Trisha’s friends she surmised. She threaded her way through the couples on the dancefloor until she saw Nikki, resplendent in a black trouser suit, leaning on the bar. Her courage nearly failed her when she saw Trisha beside her and she would have fled if Trisha hadn’t chosen that moment to turn round. She saw recognition in the woman’s face then she leaned over to Nikki and whispered something in her ear. Nikki turned round and her face lit up when she Helen.

 

Helen felt almost breathless as Nikki walked across to her; she looked so beautiful.

 

“Hi,” Nikki said softly.

 

“Hi,” Helen responded huskily. “I had to come and tell you how pleased I was for you.”

 

“I owe it all to you, Helen,” Nikki replied sincerely. “If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t even have tried to get an appeal. You were always there for me.”

 

“Glad I could be of help.” She smiled then took a deep breath. She had to let Nikki know she cared about her and find out if there was still a chance for them. “Nikki, I…” She stopped when she caught sight of Trisha over Nikki’s shoulder and saw the woman was watching them jealously. This was crazy! Nikki had moved on with her life and she should do the same. “I’d better go.”

 

“You’ve got to be somewhere?” Nikki asked disappointedly.

 

Helen nodded agreement. “I had to congratulate you though. Have a wonderful party. Bye, Nikki.” She turned away before Nikki could see the misery in her eyes and hurried out of the club.

 

She couldn’t resist hanging around outside, just to be close to Nikki for a little while longer and she almost had a fit when Nikki suddenly came dashing out of the club. She seemed to be looking for someone and she hoped against hope that it was her. Her heart was pounding in her ears as she spoke. “Hello again.”

 

Nikki whirled round, disbelief showing on her face then she smiled. “I was hoping I’d catch you. I realised I hadn’t offered you a celebratory drink. Do you have time to come back inside?”

 

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

 

They looked at each other for a long moment until Helen couldn’t stand it any longer.

 

“Oh, Nikki, I’ve been such a fool.”

 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”

 

“Please, let me finish. Thomas and I broke up. We had a row over you.”

 

“Me? I’m sorry, I seem to cause you no end of trouble don’t I?”

 

Helen smiled. “You do but if I hadn’t been such an idiot in the first place…Thomas made me stop lying to myself.”

 

“He was a nice guy,” Nikki admitted albeit reluctantly.

 

“He was everything you could want in a man.” She hesitated and looked nervously at Nikki. “But I want a woman.”

 

Nikki sucked in her breath. She couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. “We don’t have to rush into anything.”

 

“Yes, we’ll take things slowly,” Helen agreed, although the desire she was feeling for Nikki made her want to do anything but take things slowly.

 

They kissed tentatively then drew back. Helen looked around her; conscious of the fact that she was kissing another woman in broad daylight then she looked back at Nikki’s smiling face and none of that mattered anymore.

 

Nikki took her hand and led her into the semi-privacy of a shop doorway where she slid her arms around her and drew her close. “I’ve dreamt of this moment for so long,” she said softly. “I used to lay awake night after night thinking about us being together. I almost went insane when you finished with me.”

 

“I couldn’t handle my feelings for you but I’ve missed you so much,” Helen replied harshly as she slid her arms around Nikki’s neck. “And if you don’t kiss me soon I think I’ll die on the spot.”

 

“We can’t have that, can we?” Nikki asked, laughing exultantly then her arms tightened around Helen and her face became serious. “I’m free to say this to you now…I love you, Helen.”

 

“I love you too. I never stopped loving you even when I was acting so stupidly,” Helen replied honestly.

 

Nikki whispered her name as she bent her head and their lips met, hurried and hungry. As their passion grew her hands slipped down and cupped Helen’s buttocks, pulling her closer. She drew back breathing heavily. “Making love to you all night long in a shop doorway wasn’t quite what I had in mind,” she said teasingly.

 

“Anywhere, as long as it’s with you.”

 

“Why don’t we go back inside and have that drink then you can take me home?” She raised her eyebrows suggestively.

 

Helen pulled back and looked at her worriedly. “Trisha?”

 

“She’s okay. She’s the one who sent me after you.” She saw Helen’s worried look change to one of surprise. “I thought you weren’t interested in me anymore and she convinced me you were.”

 

“I should thank her,” Helen replied with a smile then added as she ground her hips against Nikki. “Did you say something about me taking you home?”

 

“You will let me in this time?”

 

“Only if you’re a good…or should that be bad…girl.”

 

They joined hands and went out of the sunshine into the gloom of the club knowing that from now on their whole lives would be filled with sunshine.

 

THE END

 

 

 

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