In Dreams

 

By

 

Jan

 

 

Chapter 5

 

 

Reg looked up as the café door opened and Nikki walked in, her usual cheery smile replaced by a worried frown. She leant on the counter trying not to look him in the eye. “What’s up?” he asked kindly.

 

“Reg, I…,” she began tentatively. “I’ve packed my job in.”

 

“OK,” he replied calmly. She had worked with him in the café for about six months, until he had decided she was spending too much time hanging around the place and needed to get out and meet people her own age. A businessman friend of his had been looking for a junior clerk, so he had told him about Nikki. She had been there a few months and seemed to be enjoying the work but this past week he could tell she had something on her mind.

 

“Don’t you want to know why?” she demanded.

 

“I figured you’d tell me soon enough if you were going to,” he countered.

 

“Cheryl and Laura were trying to fix me up with the new lad from accounts!” she exclaimed in disgust.

 

Reg suppressed a smile. Cheryl and Laura – the two young girls she shared an office with – had been a good influence on Nikki. She had started wearing make-up, her dress sense had improved, there had been nights out but they had obviously gone too far with this latest little venture. “Why didn’t you just tell them you weren’t interested?”

 

“I did, so Cheryl said she’d fix me up with her brother instead.” She looked at him and his heart almost broke at the pain he saw in her eyes. “I couldn’t tell them the truth, Reg. After what happened at school, I just couldn’t, so I ran again.”

 

“Oh, Nikki, love,” he said gently. He came around the counter and put his arms around her. “Don’t worry. One day – when the time is right – you won’t care who knows. Guess I’m the lucky one. I only have to open my mouth and I’m ‘outed’.” Nikki smiled at his words. His voice was higher in pitch than her own. He let her go and pulled at face at her. “Want your old job back?” She nodded. “Good, because I’ve got big plans for this place and I want you to help me.”

 

Her eyes lit up. “What sort of plans?”

 

He smiled secretively. “You go and get your glad rags on and I’ll close up early. We’ll go out on the town and I’ll tell you then.”

 

They went to a gay club he’d reluctantly taken her to a couple of times. Reluctantly, because that was where she wanted to go but as he’d pointed out she still wasn’t legally old enough to drink.

 

Nikki looked around her. It was a mixed club and the one place she felt really comfortable. “When I get older, Reg, I’m going to have a place like this,” she vowed.

 

“I’d better give you a pay rise then so you can start saving your pennies,” he teased.

 

She grinned and looked at him affectionately. “You’ve done so much for me already. I’ll never be able to thank you.”

 

“I don’t need thanks, love. If you’re happy…I’m happy. Now, do you want to hear my plans?”

 

 

Nikki opened her eyes and groaned. Her head was pounding. It had been her night off, so she had gone to a club, drinking and dancing until the early hours. She climbed out of bed and padded along to the bathroom. A hot bath, a black coffee and a cigarette and she felt almost human again.

 

She still lived in the flat above Reg’s only now the café was a thriving restaurant. When the unit next door had become vacant, Reg had bought it and knocked through, giving her extra rooms upstairs. Going out of the flat, she went into the restaurant and through to the kitchen. The door slammed shut behind her and she grimaced as the noise reverberated around head.

 

Reg was in the kitchen preparing vegetables. He gave a knowing grin when he saw the expression on her face. “Rough night, Nikki?”

 

“You could say that. Got a bit legless,” she admitted. “Can I have a coffee?”

 

“Help yourself. The kettle’s just boiled.” He watched fondly as she made herself a black coffee, declining when she asked if he wanted one. “I hope you’ve saved yourself for the party Friday night.”

 

She grimaced. “Reg, you don’t have to throw a party for me, you know how I hate to be the centre of attention.”

 

“It’s all arranged…cake, candles, the works, so stop arguing,” he admonished her gently then he grinned. “And if you don’t stop moaning we’ll sing ‘happy birthday to you’.”

 

“Don’t you dare!” she exclaimed. She shook her head despairingly at him.

 

“I’ve got to go into hospital, Nikki,” he said suddenly.

 

Nikki looked at him worriedly. “There’s nothing wrong, is there?” she asked anxiously. Reg had become everything to her…mother, father, brother. He’d given her driving lessons. Paid for a business management course.

 

“Course not,” he assured her. “The docs just want to do some tests.”

 

She nodded, satisfied. “OK, Reg. You know I’ll do anything I can to help you so don’t worry.”

 

“Nikki, love, I knew I could rely on you.” He patted her hand. “I’ll leave you in sole charge but I’ll make it worth your while.”

 

She shook her head. “There’s no need for that, Reg. You’ve always been good to me. Now it’s my turn to help you.”

 

“You’re a good kid, Nikki,” he said affectionately. “It’s a pity your parents didn’t appreciate what they’d got.”

 

Nikki sipped her coffee absently. Reg’s words about her parents had hit home. After her father had disowned her she hadn’t been in touch with them again but even after all this time, she still missed Beth and found herself making a bee-line for women who bore a startling resemblance to her lost love. She placed her cup in the sink. “I’ll see you later. I’m going out for a bit.”

 

“See you, Nikki, and thanks for putting my mind at ease.” He put his hand on his chest and gave a relieved sigh.

 

She smiled at him warmly. “No need for thanks, Reg. You know that.” She went out of the restaurant and lit a cigarette. She had a few hours free before she started her shift. Normally she went to the library or found a bookshop to browse around but today she wanted to be out in the fresh air, to try and clear her head of some of the crap that was in there. She started to walk and found herself at the river. When she had first arrived in the city, she had spent hours staring into the swirling waters below her. At times the loneliness and desolation at being away from the people she loved was almost too much to bear and she had contemplated climbing over the parapet and ending it all. Meeting Reg had been the one positive thing in her life back then. He was her saviour and it was because of him she was still here at all.

 

She began to stroll, enjoying the breeze from the water blowing through her hair. She liked the anonymity of living in a big city. No one cared who or what you were they were so wrapped up in their own little world. Reg and his partner, Steve, were the only friends she had, although Steve was away so much of the time. She usually saw the same crowd when she went to clubs but she couldn’t bring herself to get too close to any of them. There had been a few girls over the months but no one she contemplated a future with.

 

There was a photographer taking pictures of the river and it idly crossed her mind that it looked like Ros from behind except the hair was cropped short. She lit a cigarette and leant on the railings, deep in thought.

 

“Excuse me,” she heard a voice behind her and started to turn. “Nikki! I thought it was you.”

 

Nikki looked into the face she hadn’t seen in almost three years. “Hello, Ros,” she replied stiffly. “You’ve had you’re hair cut, it suits you.”

 

“Thanks,” she smiled. “You’re looking well.”

 

“I am well,” she replied stonily as she flicked her cigarette into the river. “Are you working?”

 

“Yeah, I’m doing a photo shoot for a magazine.” Ros smiled at her. “By the way, you owe me for a new windscreen.”

 

Nikki grinned. “Take it out of the wages you still owe me.” She turned and again leant on the railings. “I lost everything because of that bitch you live with!” she retorted angrily.

 

Ros came and leant beside her. “Lived with…past tense. We parted last year.”

 

“Don’t expect me to say I’m sorry,” she replied giving Ros a sideways glance. “Was it because of me?”

 

“In a way. After she rang your parents and then your girlfriend, we had a blazing row. A lot of things were said that we’d both bottled up over the years and it was never quite the same after that.” She smiled at Nikki sadly. “I’m really sorry for what happened.”

 

“How did she know about Beth?”

 

Ros looked at her guiltily. “That was my fault. You threw Beth at me in the hotel room and I told Stella you were seeing her. I couldn’t believe it when she rang her and told her about you and me.”

 

“Beth believed it, that’s the main thing,” she said bitterly. “Are you living down here?”

 

“No, I’m just here until the job is completed. A few days probably.” She studied Nikki closely. She seemed so different…confident…self-assured. “What about you?”

 

“What about me?” Nikki asked, non-committal.

 

“Are you happy…settled?”

 

Nikki thought for a while before speaking. “Happy…most of the time. Settled…yes,” she replied honestly. “I have a job and a flat and good friends.”

 

“I’m really pleased for you. You deserve happiness,” Ros said sincerely. She looked at Nikki nervously, unsure of what to say. “Well, I guess I’d better get going. ‘Bye, Nikki.”

 

“See you.” She smiled briefly then watched as the other woman started to walk away. “Ros, wait!” Ros turned and looked at her questioningly. “If you’re still here on Friday, would you like to come to a party? It’s my birthday.”

 

She nodded. “I’d love to, thank you.”

 

 

Nikki dressed carefully for the party. She wanted everything to be perfect…hair, make-up, clothes. She was nervous at the thought of seeing Ros again and was beginning to wish she hadn’t invited her. Reg had arranged everything, including a cab to pick her up on the dot of eight.

 

She went into the club acknowledging the birthday greetings and good-natured banter from the crowd she usually hung around with. The party was in a private function room. As she entered, her eyes scanned the guests already there but she couldn’t see Ros.

 

Reg came up to her, his face beaming and gave her a bear-hug. He was happy because for once Steve was home. “How’s my birthday girl?”

 

“Embarrassed!” she retorted. “Get me a drink and stick me in a corner.”

 

“Come on, I’ll get you a drink but forget the corner.”

 

Whilst Reg ordered the drinks Nikki stood watching the door. She saw Ros come in and her stomach did a somersault. “Back in a minute,” she said over her shoulder.

 

Ros smiled when she saw Nikki approaching. She looked stunning in black trousers and cream silk blouse but still very young. “Happy birthday, Nikki. I got you this.” She held out an envelope and Nikki took it with a muttered ‘thank you’. “It’s only a book token. I know you like to read but I wasn’t sure what your tastes were.”

 

They went to the bar where Steve was now standing with Reg and Nikki quickly introduced Ros to them. Reg gave her a forbidding look when he heard Ros’s name. He’d heard all about what had happened between them and, even though they had never met, the woman wasn’t his favourite person.

 

The music was loud and the drink flowed freely. By the time Reg wheeled Nikki’s birthday cake in, she was past caring about being embarrassed. She blew out the candles then sought out Ros and caught hold of her hand and dragged her onto the dance floor. She slid her arms around Ros’s neck as they danced pressing their bodies tightly together. “I’m glad you came,” Nikki said against her ear, trying to make herself heard above the music. She felt Ros’s lips against her neck and drew back, surprising a look of desire in the older woman’s eyes. They moved together, each touch of their lips becoming more urgent, until Nikki finally said harshly, “Let’s get out of here!”

 

As they reached the door, Ros’s grip on Nikki’s hand tightened and she drew her to a halt. Nikki turned and looked at her. “What’s wrong?”

 

“It won’t work, Nikki. Apart from anything else, I’m too old for you and I’m not just talking in years.” Nikki started to speak but Ros put her fingertips over Nikki’s lips. “Listen to me. You’re young. You have your whole life in front of you and I’ve already hurt you so much.”

 

“Please, Ros…” Nikki began.

 

Ros shook her head. “I’d better go,” she said reluctantly. “Take care and be happy.”

 

Nikki nodded. “It was great to see you.”

 

It took all of Ros’s willpower to walk out of the club without Nikki. Her ex-partner had been able to drive Nikki out of her life but she hadn’t been able to drive her out of her head and her heart quite so easily!

 

Nikki felt an arm go around her shoulders and looked up into Steve’s smiling face.

 

“You OK, Nikki?” he asked considerately. She nodded tearfully. “If it hurts so much, love, why don’t you go after her?”

 

“Not a good idea, Steve,” she remarked bitterly. “Being with her brought me closer to my past for a few hours and it was nice to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there again.” She hugged him to her. “Come on let’s go and find Reg and have a dance.”

 

 

Nikki took the stairs to Reg’s ward. She couldn’t be bothered to wait for one of the lifts. They always took ages getting to the ground floor then everyone packed into them like sardines. Steve was already sitting beside the bed when she got there. She put the bottle of lemon barley and the bag of grapes onto the bedside locker then dropped a kiss onto Reg’s cheek. “Everything OK?” she asked, looking from one to the other. “Have you had your test results yet?” She saw the look that passed between the two men. “What’s happened? Tell me!”

 

Reg felt blindly for Steve’s hand and gripped it hard. “Everything’s going to be alright, love. Nothing to worry about.”

 

“Tell me!” she exclaimed.

 

Steve looked at his partner who smiled at him encouragingly. “He’s got cancer, Nikki,” he said simply.

 

 

Nikki opened her eyes and, as the room started to spin, immediately closed them again. There was an arm across her midriff that felt like a lead weight. She tried to struggle free but a pair of lips covered hers and the stale smell of drunken breath pierced her nostrils. She retched and opened her eyes as she forcefully pushed off her assailant.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” A voice bit into her befuddled brain.

 

“Bathroom?” Nikki managed to get out before what seemed like the contents of her stomach rose up into her mouth. She clamped her hand over her mouth and ran in the direction the woman had indicated with a flick of her wrist.

 

She dropped to her knees in front of the toilet and it seemed as if she parted with every meal she had eaten in the last week. She sank to the floor – her body soaked with sweat and her mouth burning – and lay there until a voice from the other room stirred her senses.

 

“Are you alright, love?”

 

She hauled herself to her feet and leant on the sink as she turned on the tap. There was a plastic beaker on the sink holding a couple of well-used toothbrushes. She grimaced at the splayed out bristles and instead squeezed toothpaste onto her finger and rubbed it across her teeth. Making a cup with her hands, she splashed cold water onto her face and rinsed out her mouth.

 

She went back into the bedroom using the walls and furniture to steady her as she walked. A woman, a good bit older than herself and very attractive, was lying in bed, her dark hair spilling onto the pillow. Nikki groaned and lowered herself onto the edge of the bed. As she started to pull on her trousers, a pair of arms went around her neck like a vice.

 

“Will I see you again?” a sexy voice spoke against her ear.

 

“I’ll call you, darlin’,” she promised knowing full well that she wouldn’t. She called them all ‘darling’, that way she didn’t have to remember their names. She removed the arms from her neck and stood up to fasten her trousers then went around the room, retrieving her clothes from where they had been hastily discarded the night before. A swift kiss to the woman’s mouth – narrowly avoiding the arms going round her again – and downstairs to the front door where she stood dragging on the rest of her clothes, hopping from one leg to the other to put on her shoes. There was a mirror in the hallway. She grimaced at her reflection and combed her hair with her fingers.

 

As the door closed behind her, she reached into her pocket and took out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. Her eyes narrowed as she touched the lighter flame to her cigarette and took a long drag. What a way to celebrate your twenty-first birthday! Yet another in a long line of meaningful one-night relationships, she thought grimly. She’d had a job in a bar for over a year now and she hadn’t spent many nights alone. Only one of the women had lasted more than one night but she had been ditched when she had started going on about them moving in together.

 

Reg had died almost six months to the day after his cancer had been diagnosed. When his will was read, and much to her surprise, he had left her the restaurant and flat. She hadn’t wanted the inheritance, she wanted Reg but Steve had made her see that her future was now financially secure. His band had never made it big in the UK but they were a hit on the Continent and in the Far East and he didn’t need – didn’t want – Reg’s money. Soon after Reg’s funeral, Steve had gone back on the road and for the first time since she had left home, she was alone again. The restaurant was too much to manage on her own, so encouraged by Steve she had sold it and put the money in the bank. Except for the deposit on a one-bedroom flat she was buying she hadn’t touched a penny of it.

 

She wiped away the tears that were running down her cheeks. If she had been a man and had slept with all the women she’d slept with she’d have been a stud. If she’d been a straight woman and all the women she had slept with had been men she would have been a slut. She was a dyke and had slept with all these women so what did that make her? She laughed bitterly to herself. A bloody fool, that’s what! For the past five years, she had never stopped running. Maybe now was the time to stand still and take a good hard look at her life!

 

 

On to Chapter 6

 

Back to Index Page