Chapter 1
With
each passing mile that brought her closer to Larkhall, Helen Stewart felt her
stomach start to churn. It wasn’t dissimilar to the feeling she had of old,
when she knew each passing mile brought her closer to the woman who filled most
of her waking moments, Nikki Wade. Now, just a few short days later, the
feeling was one of dread and she wished the miles to Larkhall were endless.
Today
would be Nikki’s first day off the block. It had been a week since she last saw
Nikki and the woman had laid into her and effectively ended both their dreams
of a future together on the outside. As far as Nikki was concerned, she was the
villain of the piece, a back-stabbing bitch who had betrayed her to the police
to save her own skin.
As
she crossed the yard, her eyes automatically sought out the window where she
knew Nikki used to stand and watch for her arrival. She had never actually been
able to see Nikki but the knowledge that eyes filled with so much love were
just hoping for a glimpse of her used to make her shiver with anticipation. It
saddened her to realise that if Nikki really had meant what she had said, this
small gesture of love would never be repeated.
She
went into her office and sat down behind her desk, at a loss as to what she
should do. She had the authority to demand Nikki see her whether she wanted to
or not but she knew that attitude would inflame Nikki’s resentment of her
position even more. The only sensible thing to do was wait and see if she
appeared at the lifers’ meeting scheduled for ten-thirty and then take it from
there. As it was now only nine o’clock, these were going to be the longest
ninety minutes of her life!
Nikki
walked slowly down G-Wing ignoring the good-natured banter hurled at her. It was
obvious everyone knew about her escape. You couldn’t keep anything secret in
this place. She was surprised she and Helen had got away with it for so long.
She momentarily closed her eyes because she didn’t want to think about Helen
Stewart. Thinking about Helen made her care and she didn’t want to care about
anyone anymore.
“Welcome
home, Nikki,” she muttered to herself as she went into the cell that would be
her home for the foreseeable future. She was back on basic again having
forfeited her right to a cell on enhanced by escaping. According to Karen
Betts, the Wing Governor, she was lucky to still be in Larkhall. Bloody Helen
Stewart interfering again! Why hadn’t she just let them ship her out? At least
that way they wouldn’t have to see each other.
“Glad
to see you’re back where you belong, Wade,” a voice spoke from the doorway.
“Go
away, Shell, I’m not in the mood,” Nikki said over her shoulder.
“What
I can’t understand, Nikki, is why you gave yourself up,” Shell Dockley
continued. “Once I was outside those gates, you wouldn’t ‘ave seen my arse for
dust! What was it? Didn’t your pet screw fancy a big butch con in ‘er bed,
after all?”
“Look,
Dockley!” Nikki exclaimed as she whirled round with her fist raised. Her mouth
fell open at the sight of Dockley’s face…her bottom lip was split, there was an
ugly bruise on her cheek and her right eye was so red and swollen it was almost
closed. “Jesus Christ, what the bloody hell happened to you?”
“I
walked into a door.”
“Yeah,
I do know,” Nikki replied disbelievingly. “A brick shithouse door called
Fenner, no doubt! Do yourself a favour, Shell, and stay away from that bastard
because one day he’ll kill you and they won’t do a thing to stop him.”
Shell
opened her mouth to reply then thought better of it and turned and walked out
of Nikki’s cell. She wasn’t in the mood for winding Nikki Wade up because for
once they were in agreement. Jim Fenner would kill her if she didn’t get to him
first. She almost succeeded the night of Bodybag’s party. Another six inches
and the broken bottle would have been in his neck but he’d realised what she
intended to do and almost broke her arm trying to get the bottle out of her
hand. Her shoulder was still bruised and aching where he’d forced her arm up
her back. When he’d got the bottle, he’d waved it at her threatening to carve
up her face. She’d gone down on her knees, begging him not to do it but he’d
just laughed at her then started laying into her with his fists. She touched
her right eye gingerly with her fingertips, where he’d kicked her, as she lay
semi-conscious on the cell floor. They’d found her like that the following
morning but she daren’t grass him up, he’d threatened to kill her if she did
but, one way or another, he was going to pay for this!
“Miss
Stewart said to remind you about the lifers’ meeting, Wade.”
Nikki
was stretched out on her bunk, arms tucked behind her head and she looked at
the speaker with disinterest.
“Shake
yourself, Wade. I haven’t got all day,” Sylvia Hollamby told her tartly.
“Although, Miss Stewart obviously thinks I’ve nothing better to do than act as
your PA.”
Nikki
surveyed the stocky PO hovering in the doorway and smiled mischievously as she
stood up. “Well, so long as you promise not to sit on my knee, Sylvia.”
“I’m
having none of your cheek, Wade! Either you come with me now or I’ll put you on
report and you’ll be back down on the block.”
Nikki
sighed. This was the day she had been dreading, when she would have to come face
to face with Helen again but she knew if she refused, Bodybag would be true to
her word and she would be back where she had just come from. Without another
word, she followed Hollamby from the cell and they walked in silence – both of
them lost in their thoughts – to the room Helen used for the lifers’ meetings.
Hollamby left her at the door and she momentarily stood, hands in pockets, and
looked at the scene before her.
On
the surface, nothing seemed to have changed since the last meeting she had attended.
Dockley, Shaz Wiley, three or four other women all still there, all sitting in
the same places even and the woman chairing the meeting, still the same
beautiful, intelligent woman she had held in her arms and made love to. She
swallowed the lump in her throat. How could anything that had been so
incredibly right have gone so horribly wrong in such a short space of time?
Helen
looked up and saw her standing in the doorway and a smile lit up her face until
she saw the way Nikki was regarding her so contemptuously. She looked away as
she spoke. “Come in, Nikki and take a seat.”
Nikki
walked across the room to a vacant chair and moved it slightly away from the
group before sitting down.
Sylvia
Hollamby walked slowly back to the wing after leaving Nikki. She was in
desperate need of a cup of tea, in fact she was in desperate need of something
stronger but she didn’t agree with drinking on duty. She hated women like Nikki
Wade. Oh, not because she was a lesbian, although that was bad enough but she
was attractive, slim, self-confident – the total opposite to herself in fact.
Wade could have any man, or rather, any woman she wanted, whereas she couldn’t
even hold on to the man she had married. She’d seen the way she looked at Miss
Stewart and it looked as if her feelings were reciprocated or why would Miss
Stewart’s fiancé set fire to his wedding suit in the prison garden? If only she
hadn’t decided to throw a party to celebrate her thirtieth wedding anniversary.
All she wanted to do was show everyone how happy she was with Bobby but because
she’d had a little too much to drink they had argued and he had gone home
without her, packed his bags and she hadn’t seen him since. She didn’t know
where he had gone or if he was coming back and, if she was totally honest, she
didn’t really care but she would miss
his meatballs!
“So,
what you’re trying to say is, you’re not going to do a thing about Dockley’s
beating?” Nikki demanded.
“Nikki,
I didn’t say that. If Michelle wants to make a complaint then I will take it up
with Miss Betts,” Helen replied, trying to control her anger. Ever since she
had come into the room, Nikki had been disrupting the meeting by making
niggling comments, both under her breath and loud enough for the whole room to
hear. She turned to the blond lifer. “Michelle, do you want to make an official
complaint against either an officer or an inmate?”
Dockley
hesitated momentarily before replying. “No, Miss Stewart. I told you before, I
tripped and fell.”
“For
Christ’s sake, Dockley, why don’t you tell the truth?” Nikki demanded angrily.
“If you let Fenner get away with it, there’s no telling what he’ll do next!”
“I
told you, Nikki, I tripped and fell,” Dockley repeated stubbornly. Nikki shook
her head in disbelief but said nothing.
“Right,
now can we, please, move on?” Helen snapped impatiently.
“Nikki,
I’d like a word, please,” Helen said softly as the lifer rose from her seat
when the meeting was over. Nikki ignored her and started to follow the other
women out of the room. Helen’s lips pursed angrily. “So, help me, Wade,” she
ground out. “If you leave this room, I will call an officer and have you
forcibly returned. I don’t give a damn what you think about me personally but
you will treat my position with respect. Have you go that?”
Nikki
turned to face her, not even attempting to hide the contempt she felt. “Got it…Miss. Will that be all…Miss?”
“No,
it will not be bloody all!” Helen snapped. “Your behaviour in the meeting was
disgusting and I hope you’re bloody ashamed of yourself.”
“Well,
why don’t you report me to the Governor?” Nikki exclaimed. “Go on, I want you
to then she might ship me out of this shithole!”
“I’m
not reporting you, Nikki. I wouldn’t let you run away before and I won’t let
you run away now.” Helen stared at her defiantly. “But you’ve always hated
Dockley’s guts and now your championing her cause.”
Nikki’s
face contorted angrily. “Fenner beat Dockley up and you know it!”
“I
cannot go making accusations against an officer without proof,” Helen said
patiently. “Nikki, unless Dockley makes an official complaint, my hands are
tied.”
“So,
the bastard has got to kill someone before anyone does anything about it? We’ll
see about that.”
“Don’t
wind Fenner up, please, Nikki,” Helen begged fearfully. “We both know he’s
capable of anything and I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you.”
Nikki
looked at her then laughed bitterly. “Don’t worry about me, Helen. I can take
care of myself.”
“If
that’s the way you feel,” Helen said flatly then sighed as Nikki nodded. “OK
then. I want to discuss your application to the Criminal Cases Review
Commission.”
“Forget
it!” Nikki retorted. “No appeal…No CCRC…No release…No way!”
“What
do you mean?” Helen looked at her blankly.
“You’re
supposed to have got a degree, so which part of ‘no’ didn’t you understand?”
Nikki asked sarcastically.
“You
mean, you’re not going through with your appeal?” Helen asked incredulously
“Give
the lady a coconut!” Nikki remarked bitterly.
“Stop
being so bloody childish, Nikki!” Helen snapped, then her voice softened. “You
can’t give up now, not when we’ve come so far. Nikki, I love you.”
“Oh,
so you love me. Well, that makes everything alright then, doesn’t it?” Came the
scornful reply. “It’s funny, Helen, how ‘I love you’ slips so easily off your
tongue now, when it would have taken a herd of wild horses to get it out of you
before.”
“Are
you saying you don’t care about me anymore?” she asked quietly.
“I
told you how I felt about you that day on the block and nothing has happened to
change my mind,” Nikki told her coldly.
“Well,
I can’t turn my feelings off so
easily. What was it, Nikki? Was the thrill of the chase more exciting than the
capture? Now you’ve had me, you’re not interested anymore, is that it?”
The
hurt look on Helen’s face almost broke her heart but this time she wasn’t going
to buckle. She didn’t need anyone; in fact she was better off on her own. “And
you were well worth having but, yeah, I guess the novelty has worn off now.”
“Why
are you being so cold?” Helen demanded tearfully.
“Because
that’s the only way I’ll get through this.”
“Nikki,
we can get through it together,” she persisted. “If you really want to.”
“But
that’s just it, Helen. I don’t want to,” Nikki replied unemotionally. “I had
time to think whilst I was down on the block. Every time I start to care about
somebody it screws my life up. I’m sick of being bloody head prefect, so I’m
just going to look after number one for a change.”
“Then
you’ll be very lonely,” Helen said dully.
“No
more lonely than I feel at this minute,” she replied pointedly.
“You
won’t be able to do it, Nikki. You have too much heart and you’re too
self-less.”
“Watch
me!” she sneered. “Now, will that be all, Miss Stewart.”
“Yes,
you can go,” Helen murmured. Sadly, she watched Nikki leave. On the night of
her escape, she had told Nikki not to give up and she wouldn’t either but it was
obvious Nikki had given up on
everything and everyone, including her. Whilst her love for Nikki was stronger
than it had ever been she didn’t know how long she would be able to cope with
the woman’s coldness towards her. She was hoping to make a difference to the
women lifers and she wasn’t prepared to let her feelings for Nikki stand in the
way of her commitment to them. If her attitude continued then she would have no
option but to speak to Karen Betts and recommend that Nikki be shipped out of
Larkhall!