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How to Get Free Office Supplies

7 March 2005

Are there days on which for no apparent reason you sweat way more than usual? I had one of those days yesterday. It was so extreme that I'm temporarily breaking my writing hiatus to report about it here.

Yesterday was our first spring-like day of the year. It dawned mild and the weather guys said temps would be near 70. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Janet, the warm weather made you sweat more." I don't think that's it because I was indoors most of the day where the heat was turned off.

I decided to celebrate the spring by wearing a pretty lavender silk blouse over which I pulled on a coordinating sweater. Yes, I know, not the best thing for someone with HH to wear, but I'm determined not to let my sweating control my life and tell me what I can and cannot do.

As I prepared to leave the house for work I saw the temperature was already near 60, so I realized the sweater had to go. After taking it off, I checked my hair in the mirror and saw I had already sprouted large wet stains under my arms.

That should have been a warning sign. It's not uncommon that my pits are damp before I even get out of the house, but usually it's only a little. I should have donned my comfywear undershirt, or worn something else, but I didn't. Instead I used the ol' blow drier trick as the girls in this picture seem happy to demonstrate, and headed out the door. But when I got to the office, I had soaked through again, and now the dark wet circles were even larger.

By lunchtime I had some serious perspiration stains showing, the kind visible front and back even with my arms down, but I wasn't going to let them prevent me from going out for lunch on such a nice day. The sweating seemed to increase and checking myself in a mirror I saw my blouse had dinner plate sized wet areas under each arm. _sigh_

After lunch I stopped to play toner cartridge bingo at the office supply store. I couldn't find the one for my printer and finally someone offered help. I saw his gaze flick rapidly between my armpits. Usually if people notice they look once then stop, but this guy was looking more at my armpits than at my eyes. I knew the sweating must have been bad.

He managed to find the toner I needed and I thanked him and walked around the store for a few other items. The girl at the register also glanced at my pit stains, but then went about her task. As I walked out of the store with my items, the silly theft alarm sounded and the guard stopped me. He looked suspiciously at my soaking pits then called for the manager. I was sweating, ergo I was automatically guilty of shoplifting. "Put her in jail and throw away the key!"

As I'm waiting near the exit, the alarm continues to sound for a few moments, and it seems like everyone at the register lines is staring at me. Well, that was enough to unleash an incredible downburst of sweat from my pits. I could literally feel it dripping and trickling down my sides. Drip, a few seconds later, drip from the other arm, then a tickle down my side, then a cold feeling at my waistline. It was unreal!

The manager shows up and he sees me sweating and I could see the suspcious look on his face. He checks my purchases and compares them with the receipt and all looks OK, so he lets me go. As soon as I walk through the exit doorway, the alarm sounds again!

They stop me again, and of course now they think I must be hiding something under my clothes. The manager asks me if I will raise my arms and hold them up, and I reluctantly comply. He looks me over, stopping to stare at the wet stains and tells the guard to get Amy. I glance down and see what all the customers and staff have a great view of: dark purple stripes of wetness extend from each armpit all the way down to my waistline.

Fortunately Amy, an older woman, arrives quickly and the manager asks her to check if I'm hiding anything. It looks like she is about to pat me down but is reluctant to touch me, so instead asks me to turn around. She whispers, "Dear, why are you perspiring so much?"

"I wish I knew," I reply. Amy quickly sees the cause of all the commotion. I had been carrying the toner box under my arm, and the wetness had actually damped the cardboard enough that the theft id tag had come off and attached itself under a fold of my blouse!

The manager was very apologetic, and on the spot decided to credit my charge card, making my entire purchase free. It was one of the more embarassing HH incidents I've had, and probably the first time my sweating has ever netted me free merchandise.

For prior stories, see the archives.