Jedi Go Home
Part 14
Obi-Wan opened his eyes, glanced around, then shut them again."Obi-Wan?�
He blinked, still incapable of coherant thought, and managed to focus on the face that was bending over him.
"Obi-Wan?�
Thought and memory returned, and he croaked,�Master?�
Suddenly panicking, he reached out, and was relieved when Qui-Gon caught his searching arm and held it. His master�s hand felt strong and warm and reassuringly real, and comfort flowed to him through their bond.
"I�m alive,�he stated.
Qui-Gon smiled.�Yes, Obi-Wan, you�re alive. You had another hallucination.�
"And Rixi�s still alive.�
"She was never in danger, Obi-Wan.�
"It was just a hallucination. She�s still on Theosne.�
"That�s right. How are you feeling otherwise?�
He tried to sit up, but pain exploded through his ribcage. Putting up his other hand to explore it, he said,�My chest hurts.�
"You�ll be fine.�
Feeling electrodes and cables and seeing the machine that they were attached to, Obi-Wan realised,�I�m in the infirmary again.�
"Yes.�
"I hate it here. I want to go home.�
"I know. I�ll see what An-Paj has to say. Will you be all right if I just step out for a moment and look for him?�
"I�ll be fine, master. You said so yourself,�Obi-Wan protested, but inwardly he was confused. Qui-Gon hadn�t given him that lecture about hate leading to the Dark Side the way he always did when Obi-Wan said something like that. And as he stood up now, he laid his hand on Obi-Wan�s head for just a minute and smiled down at him, then turned for the door. That was another thing he didn�t ordinarily do. Obi-Wan had that sinking feeling that something serious had happened and that he was going to be in the infirmary for a long, long time.
When Qui-Gon returned at last, both An-Paj and Dr. Ra-sek-mun were with him. The master healer gave him a cheerful smile.�Good afternoon, Obi-Wan. How are you feeling?�
"My chest hurts.�
"Would you like to sit up?�
"Yes, please.�
An-Paj reached for the control and gently raised the end of the bed until Obi-Wan winced a little, then stopped.�All right?�
"Yes, thanks. What�s wrong with me?�
"Obi-Wan, before I tell you that, would you like to tell us about your last hallucination?�
Frowning, Obi-Wan glanced to his master, wondering mentally if he had to, but at Qui-Gon�s encouraging nod, he obediently began to speak.�I, uh, was in the Getter prison, and they took me outside. They said it was--it was execution time. I looked over and saw Rixi there. They were going to execute her, too, even though she hadn�t done anything! I wanted to save her--but I couldn�t. They shot me.�
"Who is Rixi?�asked Dr. Ra-sek-mun.
"The daughter of the family where he lived while he was on Theosne, before he was arrested,�Qui-Gon explained. Dr. Ra-sek-mun nodded, and An-Paj repeated,�They shot you. You distinctly remember that?�
"Yes. I hallucinated my own execution. But I know it was a hallucination. I know it didn�t really happen. Mayor Ech-to-tha pardoned me and Qui-Gon took me off the planet.�Obi-Wan glanced down at his chest.�Did I hallucinate myself a blaster wound?�
"Obi-Wan, you collapsed in the training room. You weren�t breathing and your heart had stopped.�
Obi-Wan stared at him in wonder.�I was dead? Really dead?�
"Not technically, but it was only a matter of seconds, a minute at the most. I used Force lightning to start your heart again, that�s why your chest hurts, and you�re very much alive now. I don�t foresee any complications, but I do want to keep you here to-night for observation.�
"What would happen,�asked Qui-Gon suddenly,�if we stopped the treatment for the amnesia here?�
Everybody turned to look at him in astonishment, and slowly, he explained,�I am not asking you to stop the treatment, I am asking what would happen if you did. Obi-Wan could have died because of this hallucination. Master An-Paj, you said yourself it was only a matter of seconds. I would not like to run the risk of this happening again. Before I make my decision, I would like to gather all the information I can.�
Dr. Ra-sek-mun shrugged.�The hallucinations would stop once the drug has left his body completely. He would not relive any more memories. But not all of the connections in his brain have been opened yet, and those that are still closed would, in all likelihood, remain that way.�
"In all likelihood,�Qui-Gon repeated.
"The chance of a spontaneous recovery without the drug is less than one percent.�
"What are the chances of him having another hallucination similar to this one, one that stops his heart?�
"I�ve never had any patient report two hallucinations that were the same. In fact, I�ve never seen any hallucination like this, and I�d have to say that the odds of it happening even once, let alone twice, would be--�he waved his hands, searching for the right word--�Astronomical.�
"Master, I don�t want to stop the treatment,�Obi-Wan said.�There�s so much I still don�t remember.�
"I know, Obi-Wan. But I don�t want to risk losing you again. I will meditate on this before I make my decision.�
"Master, with all due respect, I�m twenty years old. I think I�m old enough to decide for myself, and I don�t want to stop.�
"Obi-Wan, you�re eighteen,�Qui-Gon said gently.
"Eighteen? No, but Rixi and Uncle Fulk decided--�Even as he spoke, he remembered.�Oh. Yes.�
"It wouldn�t make any difference if you were twenty five, Obi-Wan. As long as I am your master, I am responsible for guiding you, and you have pledged your obedience to me. What is more important, a few memories or your life? I did not get you out of prison, handcuff you to the table to keep you from killing yourself, and endure six days of your sulking just to have you drop dead at my feet. I will meditate on this and you will accept my decision.�
Qui-Gon�s tone was harsh, almost angry-sounding, and Obi-Wan stared at him in surprise as he caught the emotion underlying his master�s words. He�d never felt such fear from Qui-Gon before and the sheer magnitude of it almost overwhelmed him, making it all sink in. Qui-Gon didn�t want him to die, and that was exactly what had almost happened that morning. He�d nearly died!
"I�m sorry, master,�he said, feeling suddenly humble.�I--I�ll stop the treatment if you decide it�s best. I know who you are, I know who I am, I remember the Force and my commitment to becoming a Jedi. That�s all I need, really. I can re-learn everything else.�
"Forgive me, my Padawan,�Qui-Gon sighed, laying a contrite hand on his shoulder.�It is very--difficult--for me at the moment to--distinguish my will from the will of the Force.�
"Qui-Gon, you need a break,�said An-Paj.�You�ve been under a lot of stress for several weeks now. You can see that Obi-Wan is fine and you know he�ll be safe with us. Go home now and relax. Meditate as long as you need to, and don�t come back until you�re ready.�
"Go on, master,�Obi-Wan urged.�I�ll be all right, really.�
Nodding in assent, Qui-Gon left the room.
*****
"I don�t want to lose Obi-Wan again,�said Qui-Gon suddenly. After leaving Obi-Wan, his feelings had been too agitated for successful meditation, and he had gone to Tahl instead. She often had a calming effect on him, and they had been drinking tea in silence for several minutes.�The drug that is helping him regain his memory is also causing hallucinations. This morning, he hallucinated his own execution. His heart stopped, Tahl! He wasn�t breathing! And when I saw him lying there, I thought my own heart was going to stop. I didn�t want him to be dead!�
"But he did not die,�Tahl stated calmly.
"No. An-Paj used Force lightning to get his heart started again. He�s in the infirmary now, under observation. They tell me that there won�t be any complications. They tell me that the odds of this happening again are infinitesimal. But, small as it is, the chance is still there, Tahl. He could hallucinate something else that kills him, and An-Paj might not be around to save him. *I* might not be around to save him.�
"It is very difficult to accept something that you do not want and which you cannot control,�Tahl nodded.
"But I can control it, Tahl. I can tell them to stop the treatment. Once the drug is out of his system, there won�t be any more hallucinations, and the danger will be over.�
"I sense a �but� coming.�
"But Obi-Wan will be left with only the memories that he has now. It would set his training back by years, trying to catch up on everything he�s forgotten. I�ve been wondering all day what I should do. I�ve always followed the will of the Force, Tahl, but now I don�t know what the will of the Force is, and just at the moment, I don�t want to know. For the first time in my life, I�m afraid to find out, because it might not be what I want, and I want so much for Obi-Wan to live.�
There was a pause in which Tahl drank a sip of tea, and then she asked,�Have you spoken to Obi-Wan about this?�
Qui-Gon hesitated before admitting,�I did not handle it well.�
"Tell me?�
Embarrassed, Qui-Gon repeated the conversation, and to his surprise, Tahl began to laugh.�You handcuffed him to a table?�
"He attacked me on board the ship. He couldn�t remember how to fly it, but he wanted to take control. He would have killed himself by taking it out of hyperspace at the wrong time and flying right through a star! I sat on him, then handcuffed him to the table leg and made him promise not to try that again.�
"And then he sulked for six days?�
"He was already sulking when he got on board. He didn�t want to come with me, but I couldn�t just leave him there to be executed.�
"What did the Force tell you then?�
"Bringing him back to Coruscant was the right thing. I remember feeling it strongly. I knew it was for his own good, whether he liked it or not. But now I�m afraid that he�s going to die here. Tahl, my focus determines my reality, and even though they tell me that it probably won�t happen again, I can�t seem to focus on anything else right now. All I can see is him lying there, not moving, not breathing--dying! That�s my focus, that�s my reality. And it could happen again, at any time. I need to meditate, I told Obi-Wan I would, but I don�t want to.�
"You�re afraid.�
"Yes.�Qui-Gon�s voice was little more than a whisper.
"Strength over fear, Qui-Gon. May I give you some of my strength to help you face your fear?�
After a long, long moment of consideration, Qui-Gon nodded. Tahl stood up and made her way to the couch, then seated herself next to him. Reaching out, she took both his hands in hers, and he could sense the Force moving through her towards him, filling him, buoying him up for a moment, and then enclosing him inside it.
*****
When Qui-Gon opened his eyes again, it was morning, and he was lying on Tahl�s couch. She had removed his boots and covered him with one of the quilts from her own bed, and he sat up wonderingly, glancing around.
"Awake at last?�Tahl asked, coming in from the kitchen with a fresh pot of tea. He watched her cross the living room, using the Force to sense any obstacles in her path, and set the pot down on the table between them, then perch on the edge of her favourite chair and lean forward slightly.
"That was a dirty trick,�he said as she poured.
"I could feel the Force telling me it was for your own good, whether you liked it or not,�she replied with a smile, extending the cup to him.
"Tahl--�
"Qui-Gon, be reasonable. You were exhausted, you just didn�t want to admit it. You probably haven�t slept well since Obi-Wan went missing on Theosne. In fact, I�d be surprised if you had slept at all. You probably spent your nights using the Force to revitalise your body while you worried about Obi-Wan. That�s all right for a while, but six weeks will take its toll on you. No wonder you couldn�t focus properly. You�d had enough. I�m surprised An-Paj didn�t suggest admitting you to the infirmary as well, but then, there are other ways to win the battle than outright combat. He was more than willing to come over and put you into a very deep healing trance last night.�
Now that she�d mentioned it, Qui-Gon did feel better, much better, and it humbled him to realise how much he�d needed it and how adamantly he�d refused to acknowledge that need without even realising what he was doing.
"Thank you, Tahl,�he said.
"What are friends for?�she asked.�And don�t you dare start meditating until I get back with some breakfast and you�ve eaten every crumb.�
Leaning back, Qui-Gon smiled.�Yes, master.�
*****
It was mid-morning before he made his way back to the infirmary. Obi-Wan was sitting up in bed, almost exactly like the way he�d left him the day before, and when Qui-Gon came in, he glanced up eagerly.�Master!�
"How are you feeling, Obi-Wan?�
"I�m all right. My chest doesn�t hurt anymore. How was your meditation?�
"It went very well,�said Qui-Gon, looking at his apprentice. His face was serene and he radiated readiness to accept whatever his master would decide. There was no hint of pleading or regret or apprehension, simply a willingness to face the future. It made him proud and he stood there smiling until Obi-Wan asked,�What?�
"I was just thinking that you�ve become a Jedi again.�
Obi-Wan smiled, too.�That�s what Rixi said after you left yesterday. She even called me Obi-Wan, instead of Ben. I know it was just a hallucination, so it was just like me talking to myself, but it made me realise it�s true. I�m me again. I even remembered how to meditate and put myself in a healing trance. I thought it would be hard, because I haven�t done it for so long, but it was easy. It was like I�d never forgotten.�
"That�s wonderful, Obi-Wan. I�ll call Dr. Ra-sek-mun for your next dose, and then we�ll see what else you can remember.�
Obi-Wan looked incredulous for a moment and then his face lit up.�You�re going to let me continue the treatment, master?�
"Yes, Padawan, I am.�Revitalized by the deep healing trance, supported by Tahl, he�d been not only able but also willing to meditate. He had only been somewhat chagrined to realise that there had been nothing to fear at all except his own fears, and the will of the Force had come easily to him, filling him with that unshakeable sense of rightness.
Obi-Wan grinned happily until, quite suddenly, his joyful expression faded into a more stoic one and he said,�I shall also take the bad news like a Jedi, master.�
"What bad news?�
"That I�ll probably have to stay here until it�s over.�
"You might not have to, you know. It just occurred to me on the way here that Dr. Ra-sek-mun said the side effects usually disappeared within three days.�Qui-Gon turned towards the door.�I�ll go find him and then we can discuss this further.�
It didn�t take long to track down the Master Healer and the Get-tro-wen. An-Paj was treating a female Padawan for a dislocated shoulder and assorted light saber burns while Dr. Ra-sek-mun watched, apparantly still astounded over the use of the Force in medicine. After gaining their assurance that they would come as soon as they were finished, Qui-Gon went back to Obi-Wan, and they followed about five minutes later.
"Well, Qui-Gon, how are you feeling this morning?�An-Paj asked as he entered the room.
"Much better, thank you,�Qui-Gon nodded.
"You weren�t feeling well yesterday, master?�Obi-Wan asked.
"Your master was physically and mentally exhausted,�said An-Paj.�Thank the Force that Knight Tahl had the presence of mind to put him to sleep and then call me. A healing trance can work wonders, even for stubborn Jedi like him.�
"I�m sorry, master,�said Obi-Wan, looking crushed as he realised that he was the cause for this near breakdown.�I�m so sorry!�
"Obi-Wan, it is not your fault.�
"But it is, it�s all my fault! I was missing and you had to look for me for five weeks! I�ll bet you didn�t sleep during that time! I wouldn�t have slept, if you�d been missing. And even after you found me, you couldn�t rest. You always had to keep an eye on me, because I tried to attack you, I tried to run away, I kept you awake at night, and--I�m sorry!�
Qui-Gon shook his head firmly at the flood of apologies, but Obi-Wan continued,�You did so much for me, you kept trying to help me and--and I spit on you!�
"You spit on me? When?�Qui-Gon honestly could not recall the incident.
"In the ship, right after you showed me what a Jedi mind trick really felt like. I�m so sorry, master!�
"Obi-Wan, that wasn�t you, that was a very frightened boy named Ben who didn�t know who I was or realise that I was only trying to help him.�
"But I was Ben.�
"You were a baby once, too, but nobody blames you for keeping your caretakers awake in the night and spitting up on them.�Qui-Gon saw his Padawan�s lips form a protest and then stop before making a sound.�Ben was as ignorant as any baby and I can�t blame him--or you--for anything that happened. You�re forgiven. Now stop apologising.�
"Yes, master.�Obi-Wan managed a small smile, but Qui-Gon knew that some guilt remained.
"Oh, come on, Qui-Gon, he was just getting to the good part,�An-Paj put in teasingly. At the Jedi Master�s questioning look, he smiled and added,�Apologising to me.�
"I�m very sorry, Master An-Paj. I hope I didn�t break your nose. Please accept my apology,�Obi-Wan said hastily.
"It�s all right, Obi-Wan. I knew you were frightened, I just didn�t know of what, otherwise I would have avoided that particular situation. And it wasn�t broken, so you�re forgiven. Although Number Four might have had a few things to say to you if I�d come home looking like Qui-Gon here.�Both men smiled at the shared joke.
"Is there anybody else I should apologise to while I�m at it?�Obi-Wan asked.
"Padawan T�kar, but that can wait until after the treatment,�Qui-Gon said.
"Who?�
"The boy who teased you about eating baby meat. He�s one of your best friends.�
Obi-Wan frowned and shook his head.�That boy was a friend of mine? I don�t remember him.�
"You�ve still got a few days of treatment left. Speaking of which, didn�t you say that the side effects, including the hallucinations, generally wore off after the first few days, Dr. Ra-sek-mun?�
"Oh. Yes, I did say that. Though I have observed that the hallucinations generally lasted a bit longer than the physical side effects. Three--four days at the most.�
"So, there�s a very good chance that he won�t be hallucinating any more. To-day is the fifth day.�
The doctor considered this, then asked,�When did you have your last hallucination, Obi-Wan?�
"Yesterday afternoon, just after everybody left. I haven�t had any since then.�
"And his heart?�Qui-Gon turned to An-Paj.
"I�ve been checking the readouts periodically and I�ve never seen anything more normal. No anomalies at all. He�s as strong and healthy as a bantha.�
"So he could come home to-day?�
After some discussion, they agreed that Obi-Wan should receive the next injection and then stay in the infirmary until it had been proved that he had gone a full twenty four hours without a hallucination. Qui-Gon was pleased to see that his apprentice accepted the decision without even a mental pout, even the fact that he would be better off remaining in bed, attached to the heart monitor. When the Healer and the doctor had gone, Qui-Gon lowered himself to the chair and they sat in comfortable silence.
"Master?�asked Obi-Wan after a few minutes.
"Yes?�
"You thought I�d betrayed you again, didn�t you? I heard you mention it to Tahl when she came to visit you the other night.�
Qui-Gon nodded slowly.�And for that, I must apologise to you, Obi-Wan. For a short time, I believed the worst of you, and I was wrong.�
"I wouldn�t have left the Jedi again. Not even knowing what I do now about the Theosnens and the Getters--the Get-tro-wens. I would have used my skills and my knowledge as a Jedi to try and help them, just as you did during the negotiations. It wouldn�t have been like on Melida/Daan.�
"You remember Melida/Daan?�
"Yes. I was thinking about it while you were resting. Even though it helped me become a better Jedi in the end, even though it strengthened my commitment, it was still a hard thing to go through, and I learned my lesson, master. It wouldn�t have happened again.�
"I know, Obi-Wan. I should have continued to believe that. I have no excuse for losing my trust in you, even for that one hour.�
"I forgive you, master. You were exhausted, anyway. Five weeks without proper sleep!�
"It was all circumstantial evidence. When they told me they had arrested you outside the estate and that you had been helping kidnap the Mayor�s son, I should have known you�d never do anything like that of your own free will. But your shields were up so tightly and I didn�t know what was going on in your mind, and, as you say, I was exhausted. I had tried for so long not to believe it, and when all the evidence seemed to point the opposite way, I felt...overwhelmed. I should have trusted my instincts, but I did not.�
"I wish I hadn�t done it, but on the other hand, if I hadn�t, you might never have found me. Was the Mayor�s son all right?�
"Yes, he was fine. After he was arrested, Wylan told the Mayor over and over again that he�d been treating him like one of his own children. They�d played games together. The boy waved good-bye when the guards took Wylan away.�
"Wylan promised me that nobody would get hurt. I thought about the boy every so often. I�m glad he�s all right.�Obi-Wan thought for a moment, then said,�I suppose Wylan�s been executed by now.�
Qui-Gon nodded.�As gentle as he was with Ech-to-tha�s son, however, he was quite ruthless with you, Obi-Wan. He knew you were a Jedi Apprentice. He knew you had skills that he needed, and he was surprised at how easily he was able to convince you to put those skills to work for him.�
Obi-Wan stared at him in shock and consternation.�He knew I was a Jedi all along?�
"Perhaps not all along, but I distinctly recall talking to him on two separate occasions during those five weeks, asking him about you. He had very tight natural shields. I could not determine whether he was lying or not.�
"And he blackmailed me into working for him,�Obi-Wan stated, feeling disgusted with himself.�I was happy to go along, you know! I felt so patriotic!�
"That was not your fault, Obi-Wan. You were like a droid that had had its memory wiped. You could only process the new information that you had been given.�
"I still feel used.�He sat in silence for a moment, mulling it over, then asked,�Do you think I should offer Mayor Ech-to-tha a proper apology?�
"Yes, but I think we should wait until after the treatment has been concluded. If the Get-tro-wens accuse us of undercover operations and tactics to undermine their control of Theosne, we should be in a position where we can offer them impartial proof of your amnesia. Tahl did some research while I was there. She says that Dr. Ra-sek-mun is well-known, even beyond Sceotan, for his work in brain research, and his statements carry a lot of weight. The Get-tro-wens would also tend to believe him solely for the reason that he is one of their species. They tend to be a bit arrogant like that, though they try to hide it. We�ll also have to make a report to the Senate. I know they will be quite interested to hear your point of view about the situation on Theosne.�
"I�m glad Dr. Maethum had one of his feelings, and didn�t go along with Wylan. At least he�s safe.�
"Dr. Maethum was quite strong in the Force. He would have made a very powerful Jedi if he�d been born in the Republic. One, I think, who might have been renowned for his predictions of the future.�
"Really? You never told me that.�
"I didn�t want you to think I was insulting him.�
Obi-Wan smiled.�But if he�d been born in the Republic, he wouldn�t have been on Theosne to rescue me.�
"The Force moves in mysterious ways.�
"I�m starting to recognise that, master.�Obi-Wan paused, then wrinkled his forehead slightly.�Master?�
"Yes?�
"When you were on Theosne, did you really hear a rumour that I was a Getter informer?�
"No, of course not, Obi-Wan. I was trying to get you to think about what you were doing by using an example that you could relate to. It seems that I neglected to inform you that it was only an example.�
"It was so easy for me to believe those rumours, master. I didn�t know anything else, I didn�t have any basis for comparison.�
"I know.�
"I really believed that you were helping the Getters torture me, that you were reading my thoughts so that you could tell them everything I knew. When we went to say good-bye to the Maethum family, I was afraid you�d told them he was part of the Resistance and that you were there to help arrest him.�
"I would not have volunteered that information, Obi-Wan. And because he wasn�t part of the kidnapping attempt, they didn�t ask.�
"I�m sorry I didn�t trust you, and I�m sorry I said I hated you.�
"You weren�t sorry then. You really meant it.�
"Yes, I did. I�m sorry.�
"Didn�t I tell you to stop apologising, Obi-Wan?�
"Sorr--yes, master, you did.�He smiled, and Qui-Gon smiled, too. Obi-Wan was silent for a long moment, and then he asked,�Master?�
"Hmm?�
"I�m never going to see Rixi again, am I?�
Qui-Gon sighed.�Only the Force can tell you that. But I believe it would be next to impossible, at least in the foreseeable future. I understand that the only time Theosnens are allowed to leave the planet is to work on Get-tro-we itself. They�re even forbidden to visit the other colonies. Contact to the rest of the galaxy is kept to an absolute minimum, as you well know, and I refuse to let you try to visit her.�
"I miss her. I won�t forget her. But I won�t let it interfere with my training.�
"That�s the way it should be.�
"Could--could I wear the pullover occasionally? In the evenings, in my room? You wouldn�t have to look at it.�
"You may wear it, but only if you promise not to stay in your room the whole time. I�ve had enough of you hiding in there and sulking.�
Obi-Wan laughed a little.�It was horrible for both of us, wasn�t it?�
"Yes, it was. Actually, I like the pullover. It looks good on you, just not when it�s filthy with ice cream.�