I held tightly to the mast of the ship. There really wasn�t a point to it. Most of the crew had already fallen off the deck, and into the tossing waves of the ocean. It didn�t matter to me whether we survived or not. I had gotten on this ship to leave my past behind. I had to leave. I was 26 when Molly, my wife, had died in a car wreck. My daughter was critically injured, and for the next 2 months, she was on life support. She died four months later. From that point, I saw little reason to continue living. After a suicide attempt, and a full year in the San Diego Mental Institution and Correctional Hospital, I returned to my house, where I was welcomed by all my old neighbors, and friends. My therapist claimed that being around my friends and neighbors would be good for my recovery.
But it wasn�t, at least, in my eyes it was quite painful. I couldn�t handle it. My therapist told me that things would get better if I felt like things were back to normal. But they could never be back to normal. Something as small as an earring would bring tears to my eyes. I decided that the only thing that I could do was to move on, move out of San Diego, to somewhere where I could start anew.
I went to the cemetery where my family lay resting in the ground. I spoke softly to my wife, telling her that I wasn�t going to forget her, and that I would always love her. To my daughter, I wished my love, and my longing to see her again. Then to both, I said that I was leaving, and I didn�t intend on returning. I hoped that they would understand my reasons for leaving. I touched the ground where they rest, left flowers, pink for Molly, and blue for Sarah. I had planned to leave the pocket watch that Molly gave me, but at the last minute, I decided to keep. I then left the cemetery, looking back only once.
The sea had interested me as a child, so I sought out work at the shipyards in Imperial Beach, thinking that it might be good for me. My time spent there was of no importance. Few things happened worth mentioning. I worked loading and unloading small ships, fishing boats, and the occasional ocean liner. The only reason I bring it up is because that�s how I ended up on that ship, gripping the mast, and holding on to the life that I had �re-built.�
The storm had lasted over an hour, and it looked like it had no intentions of letting up. I gripped the mast, watching the waves crash on the deck, and wash away all the cargo that had been tied down. There were three of us left. Paul and Captain Jimmy held onto a steal reinforcement, terrified of the storm. I actually was calm throughout the climax of the storm. Soon I will be with Molly and Sarah, I thought.
I heard a horn blaring from the distance. Because the waves were so tall, we couldn�t see it coming. A small fishing boat was being carried by a wave, heading straight for us. I looked over to Jimmy and Paul. Their faces were white, and their eyes were closed, trying to endure the pounding rain. The horn grew louder until the wave hit us. At first, the water just rushed over the boat like all the other waves. But seconds later, the other boat crashed on the deck. This was a very important moment in my life. This is the moment that I claim to this day, that I died.
I wasn�t killed, not like Jimmy and Paul were killed. The boat landed right on top of them. The difference between me and them was that I got a second chance.
1.
I woke up, my lips chapped from the salt, and my muscles aching from the strain they had endured. I was lying on a bed all hunched together, my legs against my chest, and my arms holding them tightly together. I opened my eyes. I was in a room, not a hospital, or clinic. It was a bedroom. I looked around, still lying on the bed. There was a small mirror on the dark blue plaster wall, and photographs of an older man, with along grey beard, and of children of all ages. There was a dresser against the wall, its drawers open, and empty. Next to the bed was a small nightstand with a lamp on it, as well as my pocket watch and wallet. I grabbed the watch off the table, and held it tight. I was amazed that they stayed with me throughout the storm, and to wherever I was. I opened it up; it was still. I held it in my fingertips. It was cold, and smooth to the touch. I noticed that the knob had been pulled out. I pushed it back in, hoping that the watch would restart. I could feel the ticking in my hand, second by second. Amazing, I thought. I closed it, and held it. Amazing.
I turned to my other side, still lying on the bed. On the other wall was an open window facing the sea. It was dark outside, but I could hear the water washing up against some rocks, and a few birds flying overhead, squawking loudly. I could also hear the ticking of my watch. My face filled with color as I thought of Molly. I had been so close to being together with her again; all I had to do was let go of that mast, and I would be dead. I closed my eyes, and pictured Molly and Sarah in my head. My grip grew tight on the chain of my watch to the point where my fingers started to hurt. I loosened my grip, and the white faded from my fingers. As I stretched out on the bed, and lay on my back, the door to the room opened, and two men walked in.
The men had darker skin, worn down by the sun. One of the men was carrying shirts, pants, and socks. He placed them in the open drawer. The other man just stood in the doorway, waiting. He looked for me to the other man often, and smiled. The man who had just put the clothes away talked first. He had a deep, yet very calming voice. �I�m glad to see you awake. Can you speak?�
I cleared my throat before trying. �Yes,� I replied.
�Good,� he said with a big smile. �For some time, we didn�t think that you were going to survive.
�Where am I,� I asked. I had always hated having to ask that. It made me feel lost, and helpless. I didn�t like the feeling of being lost, not knowing where I belong. That was how I felt when Molly had died.
�You are on the island of Sheeme, in the city of Providence. You are very lucky to be alive.
Am I, I thought.
He continued, �There are fresh clothes here for you, and there is food in the kitchen.� He pointed out the door. �There is a shower out there around the corner. Get cleaned up, eat something, and get some rest. We can talk tomorrow.�
�Hey wait.� I tried to sit up. I winced with the slight pain in my side. �I need.�
�Some rest is what you need,� he said, as he headed to the door. The other man walked out. �I�ll see you in the morning.�
I trusted his smile, and gave up my persistence. The man walked out, and shut the door quietly behind him. I swung my body around to the side of the bed, set the watch on the nightstand, and headed for the shower.
The next morning while eating breakfast (I found eggs in the fridge, and bread on the counter) the man came back and introduced himself to me.
�My name is Donn.� We shook hands. �I�m the governor of this city. I welcome all the newcomers to this city. I am sorry for the circumstances of you arrival, but I am glad to say that you�re alright. The doctor had a look at you last night before you woke. He said it doesn�t look like you have any broken bones or any deep scratches that need attention. He just suggests that you drink a lot of water.� He had a scar on is face, but it was mostly covered by his beard. His eyes were a dark brown, and his smile was whiter than mine. He was very active when he talked, moving his hands around with the emphasis of his voice. I also noticed that he wore a ring on his right ring finger, much like my wedding band. He was an older man than me, probably in his fifties. He had lines around his eyes, and grey in his hair. Nevertheless, he came off to me like a man in his twenties, very full of energy.
I continued eating breakfast while he talked. �Like I said last night, this is the city of Providence. It�s a small city on the south side of Sheeme Island.� I tried to picture where that was in the Pacific Ocean, but couldn�t come up with it. Donn could tell I was a little confused. �Its about 400 miles southwest of Southern California. Anyway, we found you floating on part of the deck of the ship you were on. I am guessing that the rest of the crew is dead. We haven�t gotten any reports of finding anyone else. I�m sorry.�
We ended up talking for over two hours, about my past life, what I did, and how I got on that ship. It was the first time in over a year that I had just sat with someone and talked about my past. I poured my history out in waves of words, some fast, some slow. I had a hard time speaking at times, pausing a lot when I spoke of Molly, and Sarah. I kept the watch in my hand while we spoke, feeling it�s pulsing in my palm, and rotating it with my fingertips. Donn informed me of the city, the way it worked, the way people lived together, everything. The man loved to talk. And he was always cheery when he spoke. After talking in the house, he insisted that we walk around the city, introduce me to a few people, and show me around.
We walked around the city. It was a small town, seven to eight thousand people. It wasn�t at all like all the other island cities I had been to, though. There wasn�t a hint of tourism anywhere, just a community trying to live out there lives. I found it to be quite peaceful. The streets were paved with stone, lined with black light poles. The buildings were all made of wood, with stone bases. It was a pleasant difference. I had always hated the conformity found in southern California when it came to real estate. This was about as opposite as you could get. I noticed that there were no cars. Not LA indeed.
After my tour, I asked Donn about getting back to the states. He said that there was a ship leaving for Los Angeles in a few days, and if I wanted to leave, I could go back then.
�If I want to leave,� I asked. �How am I going to stay here, I don�t have any money?�
He laughed loudly. �You don�t need money to start a life here. That house you are staying in, that can be yours if you want it. Things here are very different than where you�re from.� He paused and slapped me on the back. �Money isn�t important here. We all share what we have, and live together. I know it seems like such a place could never exist, but here you are, here I am, and here is Sheeme. It�s your choice if you stay or not.�
�The house is mine? You�ll just give it to me?�
�If not you, then the next person who chooses to stay here. People will move in when others move out. It all works out.�
I didn�t understand how something like this could ever work.
I stood on the dock three days later. The ship, the Serendipity, was preparing to leave. I stood there, staring at the black hull of the massive ship. I had my hands in my pockets, my wallet in one hand, and my watch in the other. I watched people get on and off the ship. I placed my hands on the rail of the dock, and leaned over, looking down into the water. My reflection stared me back. I hadn�t shaved in a few weeks, and my eyes looked worn out. Ripples in the water brushed over my reflection, and it soon faded. I could feel the ticking of my watch in my pocket. I looked up at the ship. I hated it. I stared at it, despising the very sight of it. I wasn�t sure why, but it brought an awful feeling to my stomach when I looked at it. I straightened up, and started walking towards the bridge to the deck. In front of me were a man, his wife, and his son. They, too, were heading to the boat. I could hear them talking.
�I�ll miss you too,� she said.
�Here,� he said, as he handed her a locket. I couldn�t see what shape it was. The woman pocketed it to fast. He leaned down, and whispered something to his son. They embraced, and then he embraced his wife. The woman and son walked across the bridge, and onto the ship. I sat down, my legs against my chest as I leaned against the railing post. The man walked past me. I looked back at the ship. My hands fished around in my pockets, playing with the pocket watch in one hand, and with my wallet in the other. Fuck this, I thought. I got up, and walked away from the dock. The horn of the massive ship blew, and the engines started.
2.
I sat at the table on my deck, and watched the sun set with Alysonn. It was my 40th birthday, and marked my 14th year of residence on the island of Sheeme. I had lost some of my hair to age, my skin had darkened from the hours in the sun, and wrinkles appeared near my eyes. The air was cool in the summer night, and very quiet.
I felt a lump in my throat as the sun hit the water. I wiped away an oncoming tear. �I remember once, years ago, when Molly and I went to Catalina Island. It�s an island off the coast of LA. We went there for our honeymoon. It was beautiful there.� I could tell that I was rambling, but it didn�t matter. She would listen to anything I had to say. I just stared off into the sun as it set. I knew that Alysonn was looking right at me. I couldn�t look back. I didn�t have the courage to. �We walked along the shore. She was in her blue dress, and I was in my suit, and the sun, the sun looked just like that.�
I met Alysonn shortly after I had decided to stay in Providence. When I told Donn that I planned on staying, she was the first person he took me to meet. Both of them had been friends. When Donn first introduced me, I was amazed. She looked so much like Molly, it was frightening. For a time, I had avoided her because of that. She reminded me so much of her that it hurt. Her eyes, her hands, even her movements were the same. I found myself sometimes wishing that somehow it was her, and that things were normal again. But they never would be. I felt guilty for wanting her to be Molly. I would never be able to move on, never be able to let her go.
It took some time at first, but eventually I was able to be around her without feeling overwhelmed. Over the years, Alysonn, and I became friends, and more. We spent countless hours on the shores, telling stories, and learning about each other. We would have dinner together, and talk until the sun came up the next morning. She would sometimes come down to the dock, where I worked loading small fishing boats, and eat lunch with me. She had never been married, nor had much of a family life. I guess that�s why she was around me so much. She needed me as much as I needed her. We had learned to count on each other when we needed to talk.
When she asked me to marry her, my heart almost exploded in my chest. As much as I had come to love her, I told her no. I was afraid that she wouldn�t understand, but somehow she did.
And now, she was sitting right across from me, staring at me as I rambled. I sat back in my seat and rubbed my eyes. I could feel her hands on my shoulder as she came close to me. She got close to my ear to whisper, but she said nothing. I could feel her breath on my neck. She would never know how much I wanted to be with her, how much I loved her.
On the table, I had my only picture of Molly and Sarah. They had survived the trip in my wallet, and now were watching over me, watching my movements. The sun had gone down, and the stars were starting to show in the sky. Alysonn got up and lit a few candles around the deck. She returned to my side. I just held her close. I couldn�t think of anything to say that would explain how I felt.
�Are you cold,� she asked, �You�re shivering.�
�Yeah, a bit,� I said, even though it wasn�t the cold that made my hands shake. She rubbed her hands together and placed them on mine. I smiled as I let her warm my hands.
The next day, she left of a trip up north. I spent those several days trying to work up the courage to tell her how I felt. I felt really stupid, considering our past history. She had asked me to marry her and I had said no. And now I was going to tell her that I had changed my mind? What kinda grade A bullshit was that, I thought. I paced in my house, waiting for her to come over. I went over to the dining room, and sat down, placing my hands out on the table. I sat there for a few minutes, trying to think of what I was going to do. The doorbell rang. I got up and wiped away the sweat marks my hands had left on the surface of the table. I walked to the door, trying to keep calm. But when I opened the door, I felt a rush surge through my head. The last time I felt like this was years ago, when I had asked Molly to marry me.
Alysonn was wearing a dark blue dress. I�m sure that from the moment that she stepped into the house, she knew that I was nervous about something. We walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. I asked her about her few days away, not only to listen to what happened, but so I could calm down. She told me of her trip with Donn to Meeleel, the next largest town north of Sheeme. She kept her eyes on me. I tried to keep my eyes on her, but I couldn�t. She didn�t seem distracted by my wandering eyes, so she continued. She talked about her trip for twenty minutes before asking getting me into the conversation.
�So, how �bout you? What�ve you been up to lately?�
�Oh, not a lot I guess. Working, doing a lot of thinking, you know, stuff like that.� Damn it, I thought.
�Thinking? About what,� she asked.
�My past life, you know. I�m forty now. Guess I�m going through a tough time or something.� She scooted over close to me. My eyes caught hers. There was a moment of silence, but before she could say anything, I jumped back into what I was saying. �You�re my best friend. I guess I just need someone to listen to me. I know that I�ve talked about Molly and Sarah a lot to you, and I�m sure you�re sick of hearing about them, but they�ve been on my mind a lot lately.�
She just sat there. �You can tell me anything.�
Here I go, I thought. �I sometimes feel like my past life is dead. It no longer exists. If I didn�t have these pictures, I probably wouldn�t even remember what they looked like. I miss them so much. I feel like I need to think about them, like they expect me to think about them. When I go a few days without thinking about them, I feel guilty, like I�ve done something horrible. But when I do.�
�I know,� she said, cutting in. �You feel like you have a commitment to them, and that you can never break that commitment in any way, shape or form.�
�Exactly. I feel guilty for wanting other things in my life. I know that Molly would�ve wanted me to be happy, but I feel like if I move on,� I trailed off.
She placed her hand on my face, and forced me to look into her eyes. �You know that�s not true! You know it.� I wanted to tell her right there, but something kept me from it. She got closer, and cuddled into me. �You are loved. By her and by me.�
�I love you too.� I said it, but it brushed over like the wind over a wave. Or maybe it didn�t. I was so unsure of myself that I couldn�t tell. �I don�t know what I would do without you, without Donn, without this city. This place is my salvation. I wanted to die on that ship, years ago. I wanted to just let go, let everything go. She gripped tighter. �This life that I have now, it was the best that I could have hoped for. You�re the best I could�ve hoped for.�
The room was silent for a moment, until it was broken by the grumbling of my stomach. Alysonn sat up, and let out that cute laugh that I always loved. I just covered my eyes with my hand. The heat off my face could have fried an egg.
�Let�s get something for you to eat,� she said. She got up, and headed into the kitchen.
�I�ll be in in a sec.� I leaned forward, sitting alone on the couch, my head in my hands.
A few nights later, Alysonn and I attended the formal dance held by the city in honor of Elder and Mayor Donn. Donn, Alysonn, and I talked all night while the other residents danced the night away. Alysonn was particularly close to me that evening, even though nothing had happened the nights before. I felt like she never did get the point that I was trying to make a few nights previous. But it didn�t matter. I was stuck in a rut, unable to get anything across to anyone. I hid my doubt in Alysonn as hard as I could.
�You know,� Donn put his hand on Alysonn�s, �You look absolutely beautiful tonight.� I just sat there. I pulled out my watch, its pulse still alive. I could see my reflection in the glass face. The image blurred as I moved it back and forth in my palm. The reflection jumped back and forth between Donn, and Alysonn. I stopped paying attention to their speaking. I concentrated on their images, there eyes, there lips. I moved the watch faster and faster, back and forth. I moved it so fast that it was hard to see who was in the reflection. At one point, I thought I saw Molly when it was facing Alysonn. I moved it over to Donn, and kept it there. I could hear the ticking.
�You two, you�re like my kids. My kids. My only regret is that I won�t be able to see you two together after I�m gone.�
My face immediately flushed as I froze, the watch�s reflection now showing Alysonn. Alysonn just kept looking towards Donn. Donn started to fall backwards, but caught himself. He had had a little too much to drink. �I�m gonna get my coat. I think its past my bed time,� he said. He stumbled on his feet, and headed across the room. Both Alysonn and I stood up. The music was still playing. There were four couples still on the dance floor. I pointed towards them. Alysonn agreed, and we went over for one last dance for the night. As I wrapped my hands around her, she pressed her lips against my cheek, kissing me softly. She pulled tightly together as we danced to that last song. I buried my head in her shoulder, feeling the watch�s ticking in my pocket.
3.
It was two years later that things started to change again. Donn was in the hospital. He had a violent stroke, and was no longer able to walk. He had hit his head on his fall to the ground, bruising his forehead. He was unconscious for a week. When he came out of his coma, Alysonn and I visited him on a daily basis. The hospital was nearby, so it only took a few minutes to get there. I would make dinner, and we would meet him at 7 or so, and all eat together. I could tell that this hit Alysonn pretty hard. She cried sometimes while visiting, and would hold my hand tightly as I walked her home. It was this night, though, that Donn had asked me to come alone. Alysonn was confused, and frustrated by this.
�Why wouldn�t he want to talk to me too?� She asked.
�I don�t know.�
�What could he have to say that he couldn�t say in front of me? Maybe I should come anyway. I mean, the doctor said that he wasn�t in a good condition. What if something happens? What if he,�
�I�m sure that things will be alright. You can stay here. It�s close to the hospital. I�ll call if something happens. I promise.� She sat down on the couch in my living room. The blue walls had faded over the many years, and now had a sky blue tint to them. Outside, the birds flew overhead, but didn�t call out. The room was quiet. I didn�t know if I needed to say anything, or just go. She was upset, that was for sure. I sat down next to her. She didn�t scoot up next to me like she always had.
�Things will be alright. Donn�s a strong man. He can get through this.� She started to cry. I pulled her close, and held her until her short breaths and crying had stopped. I hugged her tight, then walked towards the door. I noticed my watch on the table near the door. I grabbed it, and pocketed it. �I�ll be back soon. Don�t worry.�
A few minutes later, I was in Donn�s private room on the second floor of the hospital. He was looking well for his condition. Better than most days. I took a seat near his bed.
�Why�d you wanna see me alone? Alysonn�s all worked up about it.�
�I just needed to talk to you alone about some things. I�ll talk to her later tonight.� There was a slight pause. �I�m dying, you know that?�
�Your fine Donn. The doctors said that you would be outta here in a while.� At first I thought he was just joking, so I played with it. �Come on man, your never gonna die. You�re like, a million years old.�
�I�m bleeding internally. I asked the doctors not to tell you.� He sighed. I was speechless. �They can�t operate on it, it�s too deep. They can�t fix it.�
�Why. Why would you have the doctor�s lie like that? I mean, come on Donn, it�s not something easy to get over, especially like this.� My palms were white as I clenched them into fists. I put my hands in my pocket. �Jesus. I, I don�t know what the hell to tell Alysonn. Hell, I have no idea how she�s gonna deal with this.�
�She�ll understand.�
�Like hell she will. I don�t even understand.� I could hear my voice getting louder. I pushed my watch hard against my pocket. I suddenly felt terrible. Like I had let him down, like I had betrayed his trust. �Donn, I�m...I�m sorry.�
He just laid there in his bed, looking up at me with his worn eyes. I knew he understood. He always had. I took my hands out of my pockets, placed the watch on the table, and then held Donn�s hand. It was cold, and dry. We sat there, in the hospital room, listening to the people walk by the room. We sat together, as father and son often do. The only sound that could be heard was the ticking of my watch. Its methodic ticking calmed me, made me feel peaceful.
�Why aren�t you with her?� Donn asked.
�You know why.�
�I know why you think you can�t be with her.�
�It�s the same thing.�
�No its not, one is real, the other is just in your head.�
�I chose not to remarry. Is that such a bad choice?�
�It is when you desperately want to.�
I drew my hand back. �How would you know what I want?�
�I�ve been around you for years. We�ve had 16 years of friendship. I think I know just a bit about what you really want in life. I think I know a little about what�s going on in that head of yours.�
�Hey,� I shouted.
�She�s not Molly!� He talked in the loudest voice he could muster. �You�re right, she�s not Molly. She�ll never be Molly. And nothing you can do will ever make her Molly.� I leaned back in my chair. Donn kept his gaze on me. �You haven�t given up on her. Over all these years, you�ve never given up on her. Nothing you could ever do would betray what she would have wanted for you. Time�s wearin� down on us all.� He looked over to the table, and picked up my watch. �Just like this little piece of metal. Years and years have gone by. Its surface has changed, but in the end, it�s just the same watch. You chose to stay here in Sheeme. You chose to leave your past behind you. But in the end, it all was an illusion that you could live by. You didn�t have to go back, because you brought the past with you. You won�t let it go, and now it has become a part of you as well as her. Alysonn loves you. She loves you.� He tossed the watch to me. I caught it in my lap. �Time�s wearin� down on us all.�
I was shocked. I didn�t know what to say. I stood up, and headed for the door.
�Do the right thing,� he said.
I turned around, and looked back at him. I held the watch in my hand, its pulsing pushing at my palm. �What is the right thing to do?� I was almost in tears. �Give up? Forget?�
�No. Don�t forget.� He wiped his forehead. The bruise was dark over his eye. �Just do the right thing.� He closed his eyes. I walked back over to him, and picked up his hand. It was warmer than before. I bent down, and kissed his forehead, my lips pressing against his dry, old skin. I stood up, and backed away. He didn�t open his eyes. �I just wanted to tell you that. I hope Alysonn isn�t too upset.�
�She�ll be fine. She�ll understand. She always has.� I slid out of the room, and headed back to the house.
I met back up with Alysonn at my house, and told her that Donn wanted to talk to her. She had changed her clothes while I was gone. What once was a blue shirt, and skirt, now was a red dress, red as the sun when it hit the water. I hugged her, and told her that I�d meet up with her.
�Where�re you going? Why don�t you just come with me,� she asked.
�Don�t worry; I�ve just got something I gotta do. I won�t be long.�
�Something for Donn?�
I smiled. I held the watch in my hand. �Something for Donn. Something for me.�
I walked to the dock, only a few blocks from my house. The sun was just about to set on the water as I saw it. The ship, Serendipity, was docked again, scheduled for departure tomorrow. I walked up the bridge to the deck, and walked halfway across its black floor. The breeze was cool on my skin, and the light made the wooden deck shine. I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and opened it. My driver�s license and a few other random cards from my past were all that occupied the old leather. My picture of Molly and Sarah was the only thing missing. I looked down into the water, seeing my reflection staring back at me. I dropped the wallet into the water, splashing into my reflection. I pulled out my watch, its chain hanging down. I opened it, seeing the seconds go by, and feeling the pulse. I pulled at the knob, stopping time. I closed it up, and dropped it in. It splashed, then faded as it sank into the water.
I headed back down the bridge to shore. I was startled to see that Alysonn was standing at the base of the bridge. Her red dress glowed in the dimming light. She didn�t say anything. She didn�t have to. She had always understood. I walked up to her, and wrapped my arms around her waist. We walked together to Donn�s room in silence, as the sun set on the water. She never asked about the watch, or what Donn had said.