THEY'LL NONE OF 'EM BE MISSED: 
THE SOPHOMORE ENABLING SONG
(to the tune of "I've Got A Little List" from "The Mikado" by Gilbert & Sullivan)

TUTOR:
As someday it may happen that a Sophomore must be
picked,
I've got a little list--I've got a little list
Of some prominent examples who could easily be kicked,
And who never would be missed--who never would be
missed!

There's the kid who quotes from Nietzsche fully two
years in advance,
The closet case who always points out every gay
romance,
The outside-source enthusiast who's bound to disagree
With every line that doesn't fit the archaeology,
And all the crewbies who on bringing food to class
insist!
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be
missed!

CHORUS.
He's got 'em on the list--he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em
be missed!

TUTOR:
There's the young Aristotelian who keeps citing _On
The Soul_,
And the "neo-Platonist"--I've got him on the list!
All wristwatch-glancing nervous types for whom the
bell must toll,
They never would be missed--they never would be
missed!

There's the little east-coast feminist, who's always
quick to share
Her opposition to the reading (lest it be _Jane Eyre_)
And the guy who's in his fifties and who acts the part
of sage
Who says "When you get older..." or else "When I was
your age...",
And that singular anomaly, the Deconstructionist!
I don't think he'd be missed--No, I'm *sure* he'd not
be missed!

CHORUS.
He's got him on the list--he's got him on the list;
And we don't think he'll be missed--we're sure he
won't be missed!

TUTOR:
There's the bitter Ayn Rand xenophobe, who now is
rather rife,
The "Illogical Positivist"--I've got him on the list!
All those who sloganeer in class, both pro-choice and
pro-life,
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be
missed.

And paint-by-number Johnnies who will overuse a phrase
Like "chair qua chair" or "eidos of..." in search of
tutor's praise,
And budding young Adler-ians who ought to take a hike,
Or those who think that everything compares to
Hitler's Reich.
But anyway, by now I'm sure you must've got the gist.
They'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be
missed!

CHORUS.
You may put 'em on the list--you may put 'em on the
list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em
be missed!